How to reparent yourself
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - Reparenting
00:24 - Our Needs
01:58 - Becoming our wise inner parent
04:11 - 4 Pillars
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Amen! And remember, as an adult, no matter who you are, where you come from or what has happened to you, you are already (re)parenting yourself every single day by feeding / clothing / cleaning yourself, going to work / school, paying bills, etc. You ARE taking care of yourself in many ways, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. It's just that, by committing to reparenting yourself, you start doing these things in a more conscious, deliberate and self-compassionate way. Self-reparenting isn't something mysterious or complex that you need to spend a lot of time energy and money learning from scratch. It's already built into you. You just need to bring it forward and put it in the center of your life.
This is lovely! 👏👏
Beautiful!! Thank you for the positive affirmation 💜🙏
Thank you for your kind words ❤
It's being an adult and not depending on someone else to meet our needs.
@@dovie2blueThis is the main reason why I'm a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the very source of life and that only an on going relationship with him can truly sustain a person. May the Lord bless you and keep you may he shine his face upon you and give you peace in Jesus name amen.
One thing I want to remind everyone as I need to remind myself every day, that the fact that you keep on going despite all that you face, is a testament to your power, and in the face of inner and outer challenges, just know that you are Brilliant and incredible for being here right now.
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Thank you x
I had a wonderful mother who was so overburdened I had neither quality or quantity care growing up. I was the fourth of five kids in 7 years with a sick, alcoholic father who died at 51.
Dad was a gentle man scarred by the war who contributed nothing at all to me as a parent growing up. My mother also cared for an aging grandmother and disabled aunt, visiting BY BUS twice a week. I barely knew my mother and didn't know my father. No violence or abuse just chronic neglect. Hence the need to re-parent myself. I can say this now 60 odd years later with no shame or guilt. Yes Ma was a saint but she was operating on a different plane than me and we seldom crossed paths.
When I feel upset or have a problem that is overwhelming me I ask myself what would a loving parent say to their child who is upset or having this problem? And I say what that is to myself.
Taming the inner critic by noticing when it pops up, how it’s affecting me and changing my inner dialogue to a more compassionate voice has been a big game changer. Less feelings of inadequacy and self hatred, and a greater feeling of lightness has been the results. I have a long way to go in this constant daily practice, but it’s so important to my wellbeing, and self esteem. 😊
What resources did you use to change your inner dialogue - books, podcasts, etc.?
@@carlindatrenholm6586 through my psychology sessions I have learned to identify my inner critic and why it’s an important part of me, as it helped keep me safe as a child. Through Internal Family Systems I learned about the different parts of me and how they show up under stressful life situations. I have learned to be patient, compassionate and accepting of these parts. Which in turn has made me more accepting and caring towards my whole self.
WOW! The People commenting here are Just Freaking AMAZING! Picking up the Pieces everyday. BIG HUGS! And Blessings! The Kingdom Belongs to You! 🙏❤🤗
Since some months I try to be more aware of what kind of energy I put out there because my roommate told me that it feels like my emotions just spread throughout the flat especially when I’m in a bad mood.
They recently gave me feedback that it isn’t a extreme anymore and I’m proud of that. Really tried to be more self aware.
My parents never talked about emotions with me and before moving in with my roommates, I lived alone for two years so this is the first time I learn to self regulate not just for myself but also to not overwhelm others.
I needed to hear this❤ In the process of reparenting I started being creative a year ago. Sometimes my inner critic just cannot accept that I do it for fun - not for sale, not for somebody else. It is hard to explain to myself that it is OK to have fun with art and not to focus on "being productive". But I understand where this is coming from... so I keep going!! 😉
Good for you!! My inner critic usually wins unfortunately
This hit home... thank you.
Keep going!
I'm working on this as well. I'm just starting to learn how to water color paint and feel the exact same feelings as you. Thank you for sharing
👍👍👍My ability to like isn't working. Yes! Reconnect to those simple little things you enjoyed as a child when you feel lost. Communing with nature is a big one. It's calming and nourishes our soul. Watching a sunrise, gazing at the trees while feeling the grass between our toes, swinging and feeling the gravity and wind... Whatever makes you reconnect w self and puts you in a positive state of mind is great.
It’s a practice and my life feels so different since I started prioritizing myself and learning to regulate my emotions. I felt so much guilt when being harsh on my son, it felt like I became my mum in that moment and it was terrifying because I felt immediately the pain of my son too. I knew how it felt to me e when my mum was like that. So, learning to regulate myself is the biggest gift, to my son to break the cycle and to myself to not re-live it + the guilt on top. What a journey. Love to all brave and kind souls out there on the re-parenting path ❤
This has been a game changer for me! Instead of looking outward I now look inward.
What currently help me is to work on compassion. When I feel bad I pause (when I can) and I dive in myself asking like "what are you feeling ? *talking to my inner child *" and it really help. My inner child doesn't talk much, she often shows pictures of events that happen, or makes a part of my body hurt. As the adult I'm putting word on what she shows me until I feel good again. I've been doing this for about a month now and I'm already seeing progress.
Your amazing keep going!
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Beautiful! Mines the same, she's shy and not sure she trusts me yet.
Thank you for this guide. I've been practicing some of these concepts after a major life event. I like the "caring for self" and "rediscovering" steps, it's suddenly feels like it's okay to make yourself a priority just like anyone else in your life and that you are deserving of good things coming from you and others.
I realised I needed to reparent myself as I did not get the actual parenting being the second last of six children, my parents were already mentally and physically as well as emotionally exhausted 🙏
Lately I've been being hard on myself because I felt I was not doing enough to reparent myself. So I saw this video and came to watch it and noticed that I am, indeed, working on reparenting myself a lot. Growing up, having fun was something I was shamed about, pausing to breath was being lazy, and as I've been doing that, I had been feeling anxious. But I've been feeling better as I take time to work on a crochet blanket for an hour every day, or that other day that I was out with my friends and I felt the need to sit down inside the park to watch the trees and I even got separeted from them to take this time to cool my head off.
I think that what I struggle most with is that inner critic, since I've grown up without recognition for my rights, but punishment for my wrongs.
I feel like I should celebrate that I've been drawing again, and that I've been cooking things that make me happy when I eat, more than thinking about the times i still struggle.
Thank you for your knowledge, sweetheart. You've been helping me a lot ❤
Oh yes, my inner critic was very loud this morning. I have a cold since Friday and do not feel well. So I called in sick today until Thursday to give my body time to recover. My inner critic was really loud „It is just a cold, it‘s not that bad, you could work.“ „Your employer loses money now and you are not productive“. „You are lazy.“ But I did not give in 🥳 I ignored my inner critic and now I can recover. Something I was never able to do and my parents went often at work with a fever or cold. I am worth to take care of my body 😊
I find it helpful to also thank my inner critic for its concern and input, since it helped me survive as a child and it's just trying to protect me! But I did go through a period of fighting back in the beginning.
I've been on this journey for about 10 months now it's going pretty good. Although I get stuck in my head lots! I don't have many friends or people in my life currently. I've realized I should try feeling more than thinking, but since I find myself very lonely I think lots because I have nobody to talk to. I have 3 of your books and look at them time to time. I've realized I have addictive behaviours that are hard to let go of especially because one of them is love and validation, if I don't hangout with my bf on a weekend I tend to want to go to alcohol instead. Not good at being securely alone yet
This is on a tangent, but still sort of related, since you mentioned addiction, this video I watched recently popped into my head and it's titled "How to Build Willpower | David Goggins & Dr. Andrew Huberman", it's new research and it's pretty cool. This is very different from the video we just viewed, nothing to do with reparenting, but idk I just thought I'd share it. Hope this is okay to share.
But anyway, you got this!
I was a parentified child growing up there was no time for play only work. Go to school 🏫 All day then work 40 hours a week as a 16 year old. Now as my own parent I take time to listen 👂 to my body and rest 😴 when I need to
When we have physical disabilities as well, it can make meeting those needs challenging but I am trying. Starting school at full sail university on March 4th.
So true, that adding physical disability to mental health issues makes things so much harder! Which is why it’s especially important, for those of us struggling with both, to be kind to ourselves….best of luck to you!
They are often connected, the physical, mental , emotional and spiritual
I’m an adult with Spina Bifida, depression and anxiety…plus ED, Chronic pain, you name it! A month ago my implant for pain broke. (Spinal Cord Stimulator). I’ve been in physical hell for a month…and it is greatly affecting me mentally…I’m finding myself glued to 3 different YT Psychology channels because the help I’m getting isn’t enough…
My father died unexpectantly from a brain aneurysm when I was twelve. My mother was just overwhelmed on her own in the aftermath. Tough love was her M.O. She did her best, but I never received a hug or was told that she loves me growing up in her house. I left when I was 17. I just thought that was normal and never gave it much thought. I don't know how I was suppose to be treated by a parent. Wondering if I should find a therapist???
Thank you so much for this. I have so many issues keeping promises to myself. I can hear my parents saying that I’m going to be lazy and fail. I will try to make smaller promises and try to trust myself more.
100 % 💕
Firstly, thank you so much for all the videos. The shorts you put out are so helpful in identifying patterns of behavior.
Towards the end of last year I watched your video on secure attachment and started to implement keeping a promise to myself, it was to be more consistent with my nervous system regulation, I now maintain a regular morning routine of breath work. After a month of doing that I started on 15 minutes of yoga a day. I’m now at a stage where it’s also a regular daily practice, and on the days I don’t do it it’s because I might be a little tired, but it’s no longer because I’m feeling lazy or disinterested in my well being. I’m no longer sabotaging my progress. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I’m showing up for myself.
So now I will take it further with the steps in this video. Much gratitude for this channel, it’s been a game changer for me. Kind regards, Niki 🌻
Wow, this hit every nail on the head and is affirmation that I have been reparenting for the past 15 yrs. I've come a long way and thank the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for being my purpose and reason to have made it so far. Thank you for the wonderful video. The Lord led me to the tops of the Colorado mountains to show me how far I've gone with my faith in Him. How low the valleys are and how high the mountains are, WITH JESUS CHRIST, the HOLY SPIRIT..... I MADE IT. AMEN HALLELUJAH
Wow, while watching so many of these videos and reading the comments , I was wondering if anyone found healing through a relationship with the Holy Spirit, I am realizing that practicing Christianity has allowed certain negative things to fall off, being replaced with more positive ones. Certain deep seated things were a fight and Spiritual warfare but watching so many of these videos has made me realize how much Christianity has made a difference and rewrote my story. Thank God for Jesus Christ.
@@TheJCMloveYes, she is secular so she won't speak about spiritual aspects except in secular ways. My faith informs my entire approach to life.
@@dovie2blue She may be secular but I fail to see how that my diminish her relevance. I agree that complete and true healing/deliverance requires Spiritual (Jesus) work. However with that in mind, the level of awareness she brings could be a good place to start when a person is ready to be accountable and transparent about starting their healing journey.
I've been doing my best to figure out the "how" of this process. It is VERY foreign and seemingly unattainable, especially the play aspect. I was basically having to be an adult/parent starting at 5-6yrs old. Everything was also work oriented and this is challenging to allow space for "play" without the inner criticism kicking off about laziness and "control tools" used to keep me acceptable within the sick dynamic belief systems of my parents.
I just love how you have broken down these steps! Thank you so much! 😊
Masterful. This kind of "in a nutshell" video looks easy but it so often descends into word salad, especially with this topic. Thank you so much!
The comments are mostly word salad
Thank you Nicole for this video. I started my healing journey with keeping small self promises until they became self discipline . Doing this made me feel empowered and have self trust and self worth then I started to feel and realise my personal needs bit by bit it’s like small progress towards reconnecting to my inner self that beautiful self that has been wounded and neglected and hurt in the past. I am grateful for this journey towards the greatest self realisation . I appreciate everything you do Nicole . You are amazing ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It's been difficult, i was also parentified when I was a child and I am trying to be my own parent now. It's hard! And sometimes I don't know what I'm doing 😢 but I'm still trying to learn these four pillars.
Be gentle with yourself.
Once you reach adulthood, what you are or are not no longer depends on how your parents "raised" you because they got too many things wrong. What you are or are not depends on how you re-raise yourself.
I ve been reparenting myself for many years and I m still not done...It s not easy and healing takes time....
God revealed to me that I never felt heard or understood by my Dad (I was neglected and verbally abused by severly mentally ill Mom). After going through a thorough forgivenss process, I imagined myself as a young child at the dinner table saying "it's not fair." Only this time, instead of Dad riduculing me, God held me and validated that life isn't fair - "I can't change that my daughter, but I promise I will never leave you nor forsake you."
❤ I was drugged and stuck in a room to try and figure it out,,,,I like the wholistic approach! 😊
I need to work on all of these but so far I have started with self care.
Thank you for sharing what you do on here. It’s been so helpful for me. I guess I’ve been reparenting myself for several months now. I just didn’t know that that’s what it was called.
Just found you and WOW! Love how you present info! So sharing this clear and concise video with alllll my clients! Thank you!!
Thanks for this very helpful advice and based on your Pillars of reparenting, I've already making good progress.
Doing it now but did not know there was a name for it. Thanks for this video.
8 min 55 of pure gold. Wow.
2:44 Thank You 🙏🏼♥️
I have been practicing repainting myself since August / September. I fell out of process with some work changes in the month of December and finally being able to get back on the journey of emotional regulation, healthy happy habits, and embracing my self worth, self trust, and self love!
Thank you for these helpful tips.
I think examples of how to reframe thoughts / break down each re-parenting steps would be very helpful!!
Just don't paint yourself into a corner
Love this. Super helpful.
I like how neatly you explain the concepts and what to do about it
This was so helpful! Talking about the steps and key points and then putting them into applications and giving examples of what each step could actually look like is something that is rarely done in this type of content yet it is absolutely priceless and at times even more important and helpful than the points itself. Thank you for creating this in this layout 🙏
This was so beautiful 😍 Thank you
This was very insightful. Thanks!
This is excellent advice!
Thank you Dr Nicole ❤❤❤❤❤❤ you help me alot
Thanks for these videos, they are very helpful ❤🎉
I’ve been doing this for awhile & i feel better than i did before i started doing it. It does take some time to form into a habit but i think i may be past that point so i am very glad that i chose to do it & continue my progress. I’m learning to trust myself now. My parents also enjoy your channel & find it very helpful 😊
Thank you Thank you so so much for what you have provided free for us🥺
Thank you so much for this valuable information. Best regards.
Thank you for making this video. I appreciate your content.
Thank you, Nicole. You are my favorite therapist.
Thank you for teaching us practical, real tools to approach this.
Excellent...Thank You
I love this and what I needed to listen to today. I am doing these steps as best has I can I also notice when I have drop off the difference in my morning practice and day. Thanks for the reminder 😊
Thank you. Doing 1 and 2, I need to work on 3 for sure and it was good to hear 4 as though I do do that I come indeed from a goal/work focused upbringing.
Yes, and thank you for your videos. I have watched Richard Grannon's videos since 2016. ❤
This was super helpful. My therapist and I are currently exploring reparenting as part of our work together, and I am finding it to be *extremely* effective. Thank you so much for this! I’m going to discuss this with her.
Thank you.
This is a beautiful guide 🥰🙏🏽 thank you so so much! ❤
It’s not easy to reparent oneself I realized. Especially challenging since I’m a parent myself…
But your educational videos help me a lot.
I sometimes find myself to be a minefield and to have a “trigger day” and constantly being triggered by my partner & my child and by the end of the day I get so overwhelmed I shut down 😵
Yet I know that’s the perfect environment to reparent myself I realized. It’s extremely hard at times.., but I am so proud on myself on the progress I’m making…
I can hold space for myself now if my partner shuts down and avoids conflict 🥳🙌🏽 amazing progress 🙌🏽🙏🏽!
And of course we are working also together on this pattern 🙌🏽
Thank you
Hu Nicole, I am doing the work. Great video
Boy do I need to work on these pillars…!!!
*Explore
*Rediscovering
I just wish I "Cared" to get better. I want to, but... I don't. I guess I don't have a "Will" to. I don't feel like it's worth it. I think that because I don't see any possibility of being surrounded by people that make me feel loved and supported. I don't see a possibility for a sense of belonging, so my brain doesn't see the "Reward"... so there's no drive... I'm just empty and tired.
I feel similiar for the last few months. I can't find a job, because I wanted to find a better one, and I am constant mental rolercoaster. I slowly wonder what is the sense of living, life sucks and is stupid, you are surrounded by stupid people that are happy to hurt you. Thanks God to the nice people too that make this life even tiny bit better. When you are depressed everything bad in your life sucks 100times more, the same with nice things.
When we don't see way out and feel stuck, it feels even more depressing to continue living, and doing anything.
If you are surrounded by bad people, maybe try to meet new people, because they are out there. This world is not completely covered with jerks, but contains also great people who care and who are kind. I meet them on the bus, so I know that they exist, the nice ones.
I hope you find your joy. I need to start doing yoga, because I have zero will to live thanks to my situation😢 Now I know why old people commit $ui(ide😢 because they feel hopeless and life doesn't make sense anymore, so why bother. I think it might be midlife crisis talking too😢
Good luck to you and hugs and chin up.
Hey just know you are loved and supported, even by people you don't know. It's hard to believe and trust but its there. And wherever you are and whatever you are feeling is valid and you are on your journey. 💚
I personally found a lot of strength and power after realizing that no matter what happens, *I* will always be there for *ME*
I know it sounds sad and lonely at first, and you might think "but how is this a good thing when I'm so pathetic and beaten down?" but once you realize the beauty of this revelation, that no matter what life throws at you, you can always be kind to yourself and treat yourself well, you don't have to wait on other people to start treating you well to feel loved and valued, it will be liberating. Wishing you much love and strength on your journey, we can do this! 💪💖
I love your channel. Thank you. ❤
I basically raised myself the first time, so it is very annoying to have to do it again!
Great video! I wanted to ask if you could make a video on nutrition. I know you have spoken on it in other videos, but it would be nice to have an entire video dedicated to it.
I love the awareness and the tools and examples that you bring to your channel! I’m sure that many people are benefiting!❤
Outstanding advice, Dr. Lepera. The last pilar.
You have such a creative approach. Thank you!
LEGO is one of my ways of childlike play and wonder
I didn't tell anyone outside of my closest ones [my chosen family] about my LEGO passion because I see how many people get judgemental against adults who are LEGO fans. I wish the world could be more loving and accepting
Great video - short & sweet. Love your books as well. ❤
more vids on this topic pleeease
Wonderful and really important video! Thank you so much!
I am at the point where I understand and see some of my problems from the way I was growing up but I have zero understanding what to do with it now, how to deal with all the damage and help myself. Lucky enough I saw your videos. This one definitely seems like a great blueprint to start healing and helping myself. Thank you again! ❤️
👍Thank you for being so authentic!!! ❤
amazing content👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 you are doing great Nicole💖
Really beautifully put, thank you 🥰🥰
Thank You 🫂🥰
Yes. I dont know what my passions are?!
For real. I like some things very much but passion?? Hm. More like perfectionism.
@@Dianaxox3in a many people it is because the inability to feel or reject feelings after trauma. We dont find passion and therefore joy in what we do. Just finding something we 'like' is a big thing already
I've tried to reparent myself , sometimes I see myself get caught up with constantly being triggered from being around my mother especially since she has the same habits that I suffered from. I'm noticing my limit is 30 minutes talking or being around her at the very most but then I feel guilty. How do I overcome this when she constantly messages me or calls me and utilizes me as a potential therapist to her, or even just always being available to her.
Dr. Nicole, do you still do the future self journal and the small daily habits?
I've tried this. My "inner child" is a tyrannical little shit who will cause problems and then cry about the consequences. Then he'll blame the pain from his past and just throw it in my lap and say "here 'dad', you want to parent me, you get it all!"
And I have my teenage daughter doing the same thing to me.
I'm so overloaded :(
Going through this now😢
Thank you so much! 👏🏼🙌🏼❤️✨️
Sad right now because my mom just passed away and I'm living on the streets while being gangstalked after being robbed. It has left me very vulnerable to predators.
Sorry about your mom passing.
Why are you living on the streets?
@@babycakes8434 I appreciate your kindness. I miss her and I am angry at myself for making poor decisions when I was younger.
Supposed to love myself but I'm shaped by things I hate.
Reparent myself? Tell the crooked tree to re-grow itself straight.
00:00 - Reparenting
00:24 - Our Needs
01:58 - Becoming our wise inner parent
04:11 - 4 Pillars
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As I look back through my live. I was more connected when I was taking the time to my hobbits/exploring. Just waking up to the truth about CPTSD at 51. I guess I was doing some reparenting, but not aware or in tune with my emotional needs or dissociation.
You lived in Middle Earth??? Did you know Bilbo and Frodo?? LOL
@@dovie2blue lol
I have a difficult time sticking to small daily goal because of adhd. Do you have any suggestions to be accountable? I would like an accountability partner but I don’t know if im ready for a friendship without getting enmeshed
I have the same challenge as well. Only I wouldn't describe myself as having ADHD, but burned out/adrenal fatigued and overwhelmed due to dysregulated nervous system. Some kind of support system (like the gym buddy) is something I'm looking into myself, but at the same time find it difficult to follow through and/or overwhelmed to commit. Wish there were local support groups for this, where people dealing with the same challenges can find each other, connect and work together as a buddy support system.
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Yes, I did. But I didn't know this is what it's called in the world system. I did it G-d way, because new age philosophy, Christianity failed me, but I found my tribe the Jewish way.
What about when you have no friends or family to meet your emotional needs? 😢😢😢 I have no one and feel like dying
If you can attend a church, and find some ministry to participate in, you can make friends that way...or volunteer at a local charity. Don't just sit and pity yourself, get out there and reach out to others!!
I want to go to college and go in to entrepreneurship, game development and environmental engineering. I am just stuck right now because of robbery and lack of understanding of how to handle my current situation.
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It’s hard to re-parent myself when I’m trying to parent my husband. 😢
Oh dear.. Remind yourself that your his wife. He didn't say "I take you as my lawfully wedded mommy" Perhaps therapy or life coaching would be helpful
From my experience not that many people are capable of change. If you need to parent him, maybe ask yourself if you want to continue doing that forever, why do you need to parent him, is he emotionaly immature, so he will never grow up and you will need to parent him forever, instead having a partner.
My ex never got better, never grew up, but progressively was getting worse and more immature. Once an adult is immature, there is no hope that he/she will grow up, but will always be a manchild. And no therapy will fix it.
The best thing I could do for myself was to keep our finances separate, once I realized that he is taking advantage of me financially. I should leave him then though, but I loved him.
Good luck to you, and I feel for you, because it sucks.
You don't have to parent him. You can stop,or just leave.
@@babycakes8434 "Once an adult is immature, there is no hope that he/she will grow up, but will always be a manchild. And no therapy will fix it. "
Could you refrain from generalizing unkind comment like that under a reparenting video ? This is so mean.
People can change but they have to want that change. What is true is that you don't change people, not directly.
Another question could be "who are you to decide that they need to change ?" If they don't fit, you can go.
People don't choose to be immature, we are all doing our best with what we have or didn't had.
It's no excuse to abuse don't make me say what I didn't; it's not fair either, it's life.
You could decide to stop doing that. 'You can't fix others' is the truth. Get curious about why you feel the need to do this? Decide instead to step into the role of loving parent for yourself. You have parenting skills right? Offer them to yourself
This channel is just a merch trauma channel. It’s ridiculous !
Zero heart felt content. It’s empty for all its blah blah blah. Yada yada.
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