HOW TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY
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- Опубликовано: 8 мар 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - How to heal
I wish someone would tell me this 10 years ago, but healing from codependency was one of the best thing that happend to me and that I am most proud of. Hard, slow journey but life changing. Thank you for this video, sincereley, ex-people pleaser ❤
🎉🎉🎉 Congratulations! I know it's true but it made me laugh ex-people please, keep going strong!
Love this. Keep growing, keep going, stay healthy and stay happy ❤
It really is life-changing….ever vigilant!💯❤️🩹
She is a good explainer about trauma. However the solution she offers is not good.
Because she ignores the toxic people in power (psychopaths and narcissists). That are is something she ignores and denies since she has BPD.
With BPD people believe that the boundaries are the only tool to make oneself safe - due to trauma in childhood.
BPD person sees the world through black and white lens, called splitting.
Unfortunately - this strategy of scapegoating our brain as being "weak" and "coward" that we heal by being "strong" does not work because:
"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem."
YT kingbee9778
Boundaries will make things worse in toxic ambient - and when we are codependent - this is not because of our inability to set boundaries.
Due to BPD she believes that boundaries are the solution. Yet - boundaries means more of trauma and attack from abnormal sick people who love power and manipulation and harming other people.
I've struggled with codependency my entire 38 years of life. It started with my mother doing everything for me and not allowing me to be independent. I learned to be codependent in all my relationships. But finally, thanks to my spiritual awakening, I began to change and set boundaries. It hasn't been easy, and I'm still struggling, but I have done many things for myself and slowly rediscover who I am 🌈
Becoming independent is another extreme of the same spectrum of codependency.
The solution is interdependence. Not developing attachment styles issues as La Pera proposes in her hidden borderline delusion issues..
I've been healing from codependency for years. Finally getting to a place of codependency no more. Codependency is a childhood survival pattern turned addiction. Perfectionism was also a thing. I took on the task of fixing everything and everyone around me so that I can feel o.k. Extreme childhood abuse & trauma causing a fawn response that has ruled my life until now.
Me too
It’s a common combination. I can relate too ❤
Can I ask what has helped you heal?
@chris-nd7pi I lived the majority of my life in this pattern on autopilot. I didn't understand or know what was wrong. I came from an extremely painful and toxic childhood with 2 narc parents and family with a myriad of personality disorders. I ended up in relationships that was a recreation of that same dynamic. Codependency is a learned survival pattern turned addiction. After so many years of pain, depression, I started going within myself. I started first educating myself, and being more in awareness of my woundings. Second, I used my relationship experiences to explore and observe my behavior. I had to get real with myself to heal. I had to be honest for the real root reason I was overgiving. It wasn't just because I was this good person. It was because I wanted someone to love and accept me. I desperately clutched on to people to beg them to give it to me because I was taught I wasn't worthy of it. I became the very thing that I wanted. Thirdly, I took accountability for my participation in toxic dynamics and wanted to change. I was tired of the same cycle. It was very difficult when I had no healthy modeling in childhood and being this way in my adulthood. Fourth, I used triggers to understand my inner child unhealed trauma. When triggers came up, I fought the urge to distract myself. I forced myself to sit with it. So much grief and pain came up. The old emotional pain was unbearable. But, Everyday I was dedicated to reparenting myself. Fifth, I practiced setting boundaries with people and started self loving daily practices. With small things, like buying myself flowers. The biggest hurdle was letting go of guilt for not taking on other people's baggage and issues. Unlearning that I wasn't responsible for other people's happiness or life. This process isn't like a switch you can flip on. It's alot of letting go of the unhealthy ways of relating to others and yourself. Alot of introspection and quiet time with yourself. Codependency is what you learned and not who you are as a person. So I had to let go of shame, perfectionism, and regret. It requires you to have compassion and understanding toward yourself. I realized I still have to observe myself so I don't default to the default. I have to be mindful, and do a self correct when needed. i.e. say if I get this whim to rush in and help someone, I stop first before acting and ask myself 'Am I in a position to help without sacrificing my needs and wellbeing?' I also ask the person 'Would you like help?" Or if I am personalizing someone else's issues they don't want to change, I work on easing my nervous system and tell myself it's o.k. and they have a right to stay the same. It's not mine.
This is the central problem: "healing from codependency"-
This is where social anxiety coaches are doing incredible psychological damage to us - because they mislead us into wrong alley.
Borderline people believe that the world is giant competition place, like narcissists, they believe in dog-eat-dog world where we must be in constant state of hypervigilance.
In reality - being agreeable is Top5 personality trait - without it, we would become toxic person without empathy.
When we struggle with so-called "codependency" - what is happening actually is that we are being exposed to toxic people and toxic ambient - and our job is to leave and cut contact or minimize contact until we leave , until we have project how and when to exit safely without drama and without hysteria.
This is something that La Pera doesn't explain at all, because she is heavily invested in her borderline fantasy - where she believes that we "heal" only through Crusades and Holy wars and Spanish Inquisition by blaming other people for our own adult responsibilities in life.
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"I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you."
YT gertrudewest4535
oh, this is me, 100%. i have no idea who i am, and i don't think i will ever know. my parents have left me an empty vessel, just created to provide for others' needs, and reflect others. this is why i don't go out any more, i don't meet people. i shun others, and family. i only go to work for 3-4 months per year, save money, and then spend the rest of the time in my bed. this is the least hurting thing i could think about. because communication with others and doing anything outside of my house hurts. a lot.
Sending so much love your way ❤
I'm so sorry to hear that, it has also been my experience with my parents and I've struggled all my life! I find solace and hope and courage for today and tomorrow in Jesus. If it weren't for Him, I would be long gone by now...
Hope you find healing one day! 🤗 ❤ Don't lose hope!
I hear you and understand. This sounds painful and you’re not alone. Have you gone to therapy? Sending you hugs
You have to understand that this is your ego protecting you because of past experiences. Sending you much love to get out of survival. You need to heal the inner children that got hurt.
Oh my Goodness, sweetheart ❤️ I am sending you so much love. A part of me recognizes herself in your story and it hurts.
Yep, that's me. I've been spiritually awakening and doing the work for more than 25 years, and yet I see myself in all your statements. I'm still working on it!
I think it’s a lifetime journey
Solitude heals me. I learned allot about outside validation and sense of security. I now have that within. When my old patterns emerge...l watch myself and stop and breath. I don't go outside to others but in to me.
This is good. It does explain a lot. I’m recovering from my family. They, my siblings are so pissed at me now for not throwing money at them. My parents have passed away and they were extremely dysfunctional and didn’t let us kids grow as individual independent adults. It was a mess
My mom relied on 13 year old me for emotional support when her and my dad were getting divorced and told me all about my dad cheating so I would resent him. Its taken years to undo that resentment. I was also responsible for managing my moms emotions by keeping the house clean so she wouldn't scream at us. I had all the responsibility of managing her emotions, while mine were neglected and it was implied I need to get over any emotions I had.
I still get to hear about how much my parents hate each other.. 50 yrs later and still married. I finally left the state and I'm never going back to any of the toxic abusive people. I really don't care if they tell everyone I'm a shitty selfish daughter.. have at it. Most people can see through their bs. Hard to hide once you hit 70!
I think we had the same Mother.
Sending you love ❤
Same here... I am afraid to be a codependent like her. I feel the self betrayal in my core when i solve her problems. I think we need to learn how to be bad...
@@berivantore9556 not to mention, eliminating the concept that it's bad to stop giving in such unhealthy ways. It's great to help when it's genuine and not to our detriment. But we gave so we would survive in our environments.
Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.
Dr. Bessel can der Kolk
I think maybe my whole house does. I am better at setting boundaries because I just got to a point where I had to say no , I do find it uncomfortable though and can create anxiety for me. I can see it in my kids too 😬 xxx
Thank you, this is one of the best succinct explanations of how codependency develops and what it looks like as an adult.
I love you and thank you for what you do! You are genuine and we feel it.
I'm 51. I have struggled with all of this my whole life. Every single point on that list. I am working to repair myself and learn who I am. This process has been a struggle and then some. Thank you for the advice. Here's to all of us finding ourselves on the other side of this.
Wow this explains a lot. I do struggle with this. I always want to help and be there for others. When I can’t I feel like I’m a terrible person. I get really attached and sometimes clingy. I always seek advice from others. I dont like making decisions for myself because I overthink and everyone around me tells me I need to find myself and love myself.
I struggle with the difference between codependent and true emotional empathy. I lean on intellectual empathy.
Yes!
@theholistictherapist- would love if you can comment on this
I love your way to be an influencer. Humble and vulnerable, loving and authentic, direct and clear. Thank you.
Absolutely me. I have been working through this for years and I still catch myself engaging in codependent behaviors. I am the best I have been so far but not as good as I will be.
You go doctor you speak this truth. I'm Codependent and I want out of my inner behavior.
It takes time….Lisa A Romano had a fantastic 12-week program too & her videos/book on codependency
@@godzillamanstreb524
Thank you for the feedback 😊
The first 30 years of my life were dominated by my mother... the second 30 years by my daughter... Now at the start of the thirt chapter I am still struggling to not let me guide by emotions and needs of loved ones and let them be. But I am aware now and that's something I guess 😅
I had the same experience, with an overlap of the two😅 just starting to do the work at 60, better late than never!
I went full throttle. It was painful AF, but it was worth it, and in less than one year I have improved quite a lot. I'm no longer the family favorite "Yes" guy, the "always available, he will do it" guy.
I was, but not anymore.
im codepency must problem
Yep, I’m definitely experiencing codependency as a mega challenge on my healing journey. And! Thanks to you & your books, Dr N, I am implementing new ways of being to transform myself:) Boundaries are a biggie!! As are observing myself around others & journaling about it, stories I tell myself, & making time for self care. Sure, I still have work to do, but now I feel empowered through daily practice:) Forever grateful to you for sharing your wisdom!~
My ex broke up with me after 3 years of being together and while it hurts and I still loved them deeply, I know I was codependent and I now need to live my life for myself and work on myself to be the best person I can be, rather than putting all of myself into a relationship. I'm very grateful for your channel
Thank you for explaining this so well which helps people like me become more self aware & able to correct these co-dependent traits which are not beneficial to us!❤
This just helped me feel better about taking another day off of work, in order to heal from my car accident, this past weekend. I was trying to force myself to go in because I feel guilty for taking off. But I have plenty of days to take. I've definitely struggled with boundaries and saying no all throughout my childhood and adulthood. I'm getting better!
Wow listening to your solutions on how to heal codependency shows me how far ive come in my healing since last year
I do struggle with it but notice how I'm on the right path of healing. I nowadays manage to hold back my unasked advice for others, even thoug it's tough sometimes.
I think it's okay though to ask if someone just wants an open ear or feedback on what they shared with me.
I am really good at problem solving. In the past, people got angry at me because I quickly spoke up with solutions. "Let me figure it out for myself!" Next, they got angry because they messed it up and, as I didn't help, it was my fault. Go figure. These days, if someone is genuinely struggling, I will let them know that I am available. All others, no.
I find it helpful to plainly ask the person, "Do you want to vent or do you want help?"
@@jumbolumps666 That's good advice. Thank you.
Thank you soo much for sharing this video. I am loosing out off the codependency bonds and I am much better ❤❤❤
I’ve had a lot of relationships, none of which have lasted more than a year, I had no idea how irritatingly codependent I was … now I’m kind of petrified to even approach a relationship
Massive fixer over here. Never realized this is anxiety/ controlling. Thank you for such a brilliant description and awareness.
I feel like you're talking to me right now, Dr. Lepera. I bought one of your books and will get the others. I find your work complements Dr. Gabor Maté's work very well.
Codependency can be a trauma response and being caught in a constant state of fight or flight. I'm currently on a spiritual journey to cleanse my soul and free myself from the subconscious prison that is my mind.
Wow… just 45 seconds in and I had to stop the video. Just the definition blew me away.
Crazy how I’m so hard on myself for having these traits of codependency, but it wasn’t a choice to be this way it was because we were in a toxic environment
I'm unravelling from this. Hoping to be accepted to a 4 month retreat in yoga and good healthy eating and being of service to the ashram.
I thought i wasnt codependent anymore until now that I saw your short on the topic. Here I am with a guy out of love, two kids and married him bc of his potential but going through hell financially. Regrets regrets but I love my kids how they are.
I just now realized that I was codependent. Now I'm learning what to do about it. Thank you for sharing.
Love this video. I can relate to codependency and I really feel it’s time to change. Thank you, Dr Nicole for sharing your wisdom
This was goal. we never really stop learning. our life is a puzzle, the missing pieces are scattered in each and every one of us.
Thank you so much for this! I could identify codependency in others and had no idea I was codependent myself until I checked off all of the boxes.
I have so much that my anxiety was up the roof to the point where I felt like I was having panic attacks to the point where I would wake up and the stress is just such a heavy burden that now I don’t know how to control it and I can relate to this video so much andI am on the journey of self discovery and I’m starting to love it. I’m happy and I’m making the steps and I just wanna continue to be in my mindset.
These videos are SO helpful!
Omg I love this!!!!
Absolutely amazing!!! Thank you. I am SO grateful to have seen this. ❤❤❤
I’m healing now and I’m grateful 🙏🏾
I've been following you since the beginning. I've grown more and healed more in the time I found you on IG than being in and out of traditional therapy for 20 years. Kudos to you!
I’ll have to say you finally explained this in an easy way to understand. Thank you.
really cool! thank you, and thank you for the free resource of a future self journal .
This is the best, most pragmatic, helpful definition I've heard in two decades. Thank you❤
Oh ya I been attending coda meeting for 4 years. It’s a journey of recovery and spiritual growth.
I’m gonna google it-coda meeting-hopefully there is one in my area.
Any suggestions?
TY
Thank you for the video. It was so much more informative than 20-30-50 min alternatives out there. No water, no over dramatisation - just facts. 🙏
THP is one of the best channels on youtube.
I grew up in a family where my father was in AA when I was a young adult, and I was taught that codependency was about a partner or child being dependent on the drink/drugs through the other person. I like that it has evolved and encompasses the definition you provide here. I was the only other inhabitant for most years, in my house with a mother who was incredibly mentally ill. Not only her, but extended family told me bluntly that her mental health was a direct result of my behavior. (Excuse me, but I was a g-d child.) But long after she passed and I cut off contact with her family, I am still fighting for my own identity.
Going thru the process of healing from codependency has been soo amazing!
Great video thanks Nicole your the best
I needed to hear this. I was emotionally parentified and am a twin. I think I'm codependent. Thank you
I really wish there were more parenting advice. I work on myself but sometimes I don’t know if what I’m doing with my kids is healthy since I didn’t grow up that way. I want them to feel seems and heard but sometimes I feel like I’m failing.
I am so repelled by co-dependency, I just knew I would likely be codependent, cus thats how life rolls😅. You just hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you. I am going to greet this part of me and slowly integrate.♡ 😊
This is really clear video on it. Do you think that all domestic abuse victims are codependents?
You are the best! ❤
Thank you so much for your Amazing content. Im on this journey. Im excited to discover who I am but also terrifiéd to change thé habit of a lifetime. One moment at a Time and journaling is helping me enormously to get to know myself. I Hope someday to bé able to feel my feelings, désirés spontaneously but for now journaling is helping me understand in retrospect m'y behaviours and helping me to get to know myself for who I really am. Im excited
This is important ❣️🙏
Thanks for putting it so clear. I do srtuggle with codependency, I realized that very recently. I have a narcissistic mother and it's very painf. Now that I discovered both things I started setting more clear and efective boundaries, amd I try to avoid any of her on my emotional world.
Wish I could go live as a monk. Maybe someday.
Thank you!!
Absolutely!
Thanks. Just thanks
❤spiritual journey
Thank you for this insight. When will you and Daniel Mackler have a zoom conversation? That would be really wonderful. And it would be nice if you made a video about 5rytams dance. Greetings from Croatia.❤🙂
Codependency has got to be one of the most frustrating traits. They pick and pick and nag and nothing is ever done right according to the co dependent. I'd rather be alone than around anyone with this trait. They eventually throw you under the bus. I'm a nomad at this point. I'd rather live on the street enjoying planet earth than ever set myself up for a codependent to tell me all the ways I do everything wrong.
I don't like going to the grocery store or out in public because their energies are really intense (most days) and I'm highly sensitive to other people's electromagnetic fields. My spouse does almost all of the external shopping (I arrange online orders), which helps my stress level tremendously.
Is this considered "codependent" or am I misunderstanding what it means?
Sounds like social anxiety which could be many things. CPTSD in my case.
Another perspective is that you could just be a highly sensitive person, which is okay. Sounds like you have a healthy awareness of this and honor your spiritual and emotional needs by setting boundaries in healthy collaboration with your spouse. Well done! 🙏🏾💚
My husband is NOT codependent and he is very indifferent about everyone and everything. He says ´I take care of myself and I expect everyone to take care of themselves ´. Not good for a committed close family bond!
Thinking your family is perfect, and then seeing signs of your codependency, not really sure it's true but you start setting small boundaries, and everyone thinks you're ripping the family apart...Ah...Proof.
0:27 Self Betrayal
1:04
“Using someone else outside ourselves to define our emotional state” not sure that’s the best way to describe codependency. I am codependent AF lol and have been working on it for years. It has shown its ugly head again when I started helping raising my bf’s daughter who has a disability. I don’t think I’d describe it as that I have allowed her to “define my emotional state”. I would say that my obsessing about her and her needs has caused me to loss sleep and caused me undo stress and that codependency can also start with obsessing about another person. Trying to predict their actions and behaviours, like I had to with my mom growing up. She was always in a differing extremes, so I’d be constantly running through situations in my head to try and get home and how to feel safe depending on what state she was in. I don’t identify with the words that codependency is letting someone outside ourselves define our emotional state. Yes the obsessing definitely affects my emotional state. Maybe just semantics over a couple words, just don’t want anyone to get confused. ❤
I might be mistaken, but it sounds like you are allowing your emotional state to be dependent on other people. You are stressed and losing sleep over what other people in your life are doing, trying so hard to please them or be perfect for them because your emotional state is unsettled unless you do that. What drives the obsessing that you find yourself doing? My guess would be a deep feeling of being unsettled, uncomfortable, or even anxious over the actions and reactions of others. It is defining what you do and the driving force of a lot of your feelings.
Um yea, I said I’m codependent that wasn’t the issue here. I’m saying the term “using someone else outside ourselves to define our emotional state” is not a term I would ever identify with. Yes my obsessing affects my emotional state. But I wouldn’t say I’m allowing someone outside of me to define my emotional state. Codependency is not really a choice. It’s a result of growing up in dysfunction or a result of a dysfunctional relationship in adulthood.
Hello, where to get your work book: how to meet myself? Thank you for your videos.
Literally me to a T!! 😮😅❤
I can tick all the boxes for the mother wound. Not that’s it’s an achievement to be proud of but my mother should never have had children as she wasn’t capable of nurturing or caring sadly I had a child myself and failed him as a parent as I couldn’t fill his needs because of my learned emotional detachment.
Guess i’ll be watching 10 hours of fights that day lol these are all too good matchups. Jiri on prelims is unreal 😂
Thank you! Short and good.
My question is, codependency is a form of addiction. Isn't like other addictions, you never become free of the addition, completely recovered, like alcoholics, they have to choose everytime not to drink? They always will be alcoholics? Thank you. Love and life.
Been working on myself for a fair bit now but _this_ hit _SO_ close i've ordered your workbook right away to gauge how far i've come and keep moving authentically. 🙏🏻✨
How is the workbook? Do you like it?
Excellent.
4:59 This seems to call for some further development though: empathy requires feeling what the other person is feeling, doesn't it, and we should all desire to have empathy for others, shouldn't we? (Whereas, sometimes we might actually feel worse than they do, such as when they are suffering pain and we are unable to do anything to relieve it for them; which doesn't really do anything to help anyone feel better.)
For me the key is to feel it intellectually, not embody the other person's feelings and allow them to affect our mood
I've had to practice having more empathy and compassion for myself in order to heal. I used to (and still have a tendency to) diminish my own feelings and needs. Like the airplane oxygen mask analogy, I need to put my own mask on first, otherwise I'm no good to anyone else anyway. I am learning to embrace my feelings and needs as something that is just as important (if not more) as anyone else 's. In turn, I have been able to have more compassion for others as I fill myself up with what I need. When my needs are validated and met, I am more resourced to give out of a place of abundance and peace.
Just say abracadabra and change an external locus of control into an internal locus of control.
Then say abracadabra again and change alexithymia into internal emotional awareness.
Yes it’s a magic act.
How to do this while still living with your parents? Learning so much from your channel alongside therapy but its still really tough til i can financially move out 😓
Is there something specifically like dependency too ? When a fully abled person relies on another example partner as a clutch to do most things such as tasks or activities she is to do herself?
❤❤
♥️
How to cure it?
Oh dang it... Bingo.... again 😩
🌧️ 🌞 🌈
❤️☀️🌙
hlw mam im codepency must problem
Wow. I just realized I am codependent....
I was called codependent by a lot of codependent people. Turns out I’m not.
It’s hilarious (not) that I did not know that my whole way of being was fundamentally incorrect. Sigh.
Haha what a joke please try better
🙄
Thank you, 🤍
Completely accurate for me. Thank you so much for summarizing so well and providing excellent guidance in a gentle way 🙏🏼🤍
I like your video. I am a co-dependent person struggling to become better.