It’s actually stressing me out to think about having a career or trying to pursue a certain thing. I feel pressured to “decide” a choice for my life, but I’m only 21, and most 21s don’t know what they want in life yet. I hate when people put expectations on you for what you’re suppose to want.
I’ve def felt that. I’m 24 and just decided to pursue a certain career path. Forget “supposed” to want. Ask what it is you actually do want and maybe accept that. 🤍
I'm new to the Enneagram and my eyes have been opened to my patterns of behavior in ways that have blown my mind. Your videos have been so helpful, and I've also loved the ones that include your family members. Your combination of kindness, insight, honesty, humor and practicality is exactly the best approach for me to learn on this path. Thank you for all you do to help others live their best lives.
I'm a 9w1 who is desperately trying to discover their 8 wing. I have found that having a strong 8 wing is great for nines to be able to value themselves, set their own boundaries, and discover their own needs.
I wouldn't say that I want to see all sides. I already see and know all sides. This is where the conflict lies within myself because in knowing all sides, my own is difficult to discern and it is why I am often considered a devil's advocate because I can justify anyone's choice/stance/mindset.
I have no idea what my purpose is - I’m at a total loss and drawing a blank. I do see the strength you pointed out being turned into a weakness. I was very loyal and supportive towards my boss and helped him succeed, and I was very encouraging of my staff and helped them succeed. Then, when a reorg came and my boss was out, I found myself hanging and pushed out because I had essentially helped everyone but myself. I look back now and still don’t know what I could’ve done differently, and that is a source of tremendous frustration for me.
My husband is a 9, and wow. It breaks my heart during certain points of the 9 video series. But most of all, it’s been incredibly enlightening. So now I talk to and receive my husband in a better light. I am more present to his consideration, and actively return it to him. Now I understand that yes my husband is a person that just “goes with the flow” all the time, but he also needs the opportunity to create his own flow. So now I’m more appreciative, empathetic and encouraging to my soulmate in ways I’ve never been before, and it’s been great (and still challenging at times cause we’re not perfect). Thank you Dr. Tom LaHue for your time and effort in these videos. They change lives
My peacemaking attempts create conflict. I don't have any qualms trying to analyze and talk about conflict. My partner seems to get triggered by my analysis and communication which creates more conflict. There seems to be a desire of my partner to not self reflect and own the present but take my words and bring up unrelated events from the past and say that is what I do. I feel like we're stuck 😕. My peacemaking seems to be misinterpreted.
I'm new (ish) to the enneagram. I've delved pretty deep into my type, wing, and subtype (9w1, sexual/fusion). It's been a great, though at times painful, way to understand myself better. Still, I'm having a hard time finding good resources on using all of this information specifically for self improvement. Does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks in advance for anyone who replies, and happy Thursday (or whatever day it is when you see this). Edit: Also, it seems like most of the information I *am* hearing about 9 is negative. Not just here, but everywhere. "They have this strength, but really it's a weakness because...", Kind of just makes me feel shitty about myself, you know? My wife is a solid 2, and she comes with all kinds of useful strengths.
@@twlahue Coming back to it, I never said I was looking for ways for it to tell me how "gifted" I am. My original question asked for ways to use this for self improvement.
Hi! I’m a 9 and only a few weeks into my enneagram journey. For self-improvement I recommend selfauthoring.com the future authoring section particularly ...to help you get to know what you want both now and long term. It would have been even better if they had made it a bit more structured but it is a really good start. I had to do it over a couple of weeks with loads of thinking. I also found a panel of 9’s discusssion v helpful and encouraging...they had all got to good places and talked about how they did it. I will find link and put it here for you.
You made so many great points in this video. I've taken the enneagram a couple of times and I've gotten either the 9 or the 4 every single time. I believe I consciously act like a 9 in public because I think it can be beneficial to appeal to others. However, ever since I realized my tendency.. I've become strongly aware of how much I've lost myself and my identity, ironically, in a process that I created to assist ME. The paradox.. am I right? Anyway.. now I'm coming out fours and I couldn't be more angry and ashamed of myself when I catch myself "acting" more like a nine out of habit. It's hard to understand who I am when I can't seem to stop pleasing and molding my identity to each person I meet... it can be quite detrimental behind the scenes. I know I've been guilty of abandoning myself in favor of others.. jumping at the chance to appreciate pain, so that when it's inflicted it's more tolerable, but how do you undo old habits like those? I want to be myself.. my own authentic self.. but how do I learn to do that now?
I've spent some time in the 4 camp as well. What made me realize I was in fact a 9 (even though I may not want to admit it) is that whole merging with others you mentioned. The more I've read, it is very 9ish compared to 4s who have a very strong sense of self. Reading about the soul child of each type has also been very helpful!
I relate to this very much, and it is quite difficult. One of the ways that you can begin to be more authentic to yourself is to create true harmony (the people you are with want you, not the version of you that you create for them to 'like'). Invite conflict by having those challenging conversations where you exert your opinion or your desires in the face of a differing one. Start offering your opinion in the small things (where to eat, how you like the laundry done, which program to watch on TV), and slowly as you learn how that feels and you work out what is true to you, then you can begin to do it on the larger things. There will be people who get angry about this, especially if you've been quiet and mirrored them for so long, some people may think now you're being disingenuous when really you were more disingenuous when you weren't using your voice. Let them know what you're going through. Admit that you've struggled, and how and why. Then, ask them to hold you accountable to what you've said, to your own voice, and your own opinions. I hope you are able to get to a place where you feel that your voice is just as integral as anyone else's, and that you are also needed. -Much love from a 9 learning to find my voice too.
Do you have any 9s in your immediate family or as a spouse? They are quite different at home then in public. They are supportive of strangers goals but at home some unhealthy 9s make their family fit in with them. They use anger to shut down any attempts to discuss real problems, they can't keep family secrets but don't share news they have gained with their family, they emotionally cut off family members who refuse to shut up about raising issues that need discussing, they never are wrong and can't say sorry but rest of the family do. DM if you want to find out more.
I'd like to point out another potential weakness of unselfishly supporting others that I've seen play out in my life before: enabling. I find that I have a bad habit of avoiding tough love even when that's exactly what's necessary in the situation.
No no no. Us 9’s are not looking for consensus (that’s a 6). 9’s want respect and respect to others. I’m not looking for compromise rather an attitude of I will listen and respect you but I’m still in charge. I find 9’s to be the most misrepresented type and I know why. Who tbe hell am I to tell anyone anything???
How about you stop hating yourself and fix those things you hate about yourself, just because youre a 9 doesnt mean you have to stay with the weaknesses that you naturally get forever, you can still work on em
9s all the way! You just have to do the work like everybody else to get more balanced. 9s are super powerful. You got to realize that in yourself and do something with that.
I feel this often. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you learn to love yourself, and that you can demonstrate that love of yourself by being authentic with those around you. They want you. Not the version you project, but the real you beneath the surface. I wish you all the best.
This video cuts deep. So I’ve been identifying as a 4 for a long time but a voice in the back of my head has always kept saying “BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE A 9.” It’s tough because learning about 9s REALLY hits at all the things I’m most insecure about-being too passive, not caring enough, being too carefree, not being assertive enough, etc, and especially as a guy all of that stuff really really eats at me. I’m still inclined to say I’m a 4 because at the end of the day I’m SO image-conscious… but also if you were to ask really any of my friends what they thought I was, they’d probably say 9. I do a good job of hiding all of these intense feelings of inferiority and anxiety by just smiling and acting like everything’s alright, so it’s a tough call for me. It’s like I wish that people understood what goes on in my head more than they do. It’s just so hard, nearly impossible, for me to communicate a lot of these harsher realities & feelings I experience without just acting like my normal goofy self. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out but I think I have a long way to go.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
As a 9w1, when I’m under the worse distress imaginable or something, I just wanna be alone and fall asleep until I die.. feeling sad is not fun hehe.
It’s actually stressing me out to think about having a career or trying to pursue a certain thing. I feel pressured to “decide” a choice for my life, but I’m only 21, and most 21s don’t know what they want in life yet. I hate when people put expectations on you for what you’re suppose to want.
I’ve def felt that. I’m 24 and just decided to pursue a certain career path. Forget “supposed” to want. Ask what it is you actually do want and maybe accept that. 🤍
Same I'm 18 and I'm kinda of silently desesperate bc there's so much pressure
bruh I'm 35 and still lost AF.
I'm 24 and still saying that... story of my life
I'm new to the Enneagram and my eyes have been opened to my patterns of behavior in ways that have blown my mind. Your videos have been so helpful, and I've also loved the ones that include your family members. Your combination of kindness, insight, honesty, humor and practicality is exactly the best approach for me to learn on this path. Thank you for all you do to help others live their best lives.
I'm a 9w1 who is desperately trying to discover their 8 wing. I have found that having a strong 8 wing is great for nines to be able to value themselves, set their own boundaries, and discover their own needs.
"I want to see all sides" I have heard so many 9s say. It's not just 6s who crave this.
I wouldn't say that I want to see all sides. I already see and know all sides. This is where the conflict lies within myself because in knowing all sides, my own is difficult to discern and it is why I am often considered a devil's advocate because I can justify anyone's choice/stance/mindset.
@@loref4200 Exactly that. The knowing is second nature. I will seek out perspectives but it doesn't take much effort to understand them.
I have no idea what my purpose is - I’m at a total loss and drawing a blank. I do see the strength you pointed out being turned into a weakness. I was very loyal and supportive towards my boss and helped him succeed, and I was very encouraging of my staff and helped them succeed. Then, when a reorg came and my boss was out, I found myself hanging and pushed out because I had essentially helped everyone but myself. I look back now and still don’t know what I could’ve done differently, and that is a source of tremendous frustration for me.
Love this. My husband is a 9w8 and I am a 4w3. We really love your videos and heart in all of this. 💜
My husband and I are the exact same!
Absolutely. I am all about helping others... So much so that I have felt at times that it was my calling. Just to help others achieve.
My husband is a 9, and wow. It breaks my heart during certain points of the 9 video series. But most of all, it’s been incredibly enlightening. So now I talk to and receive my husband in a better light. I am more present to his consideration, and actively return it to him. Now I understand that yes my husband is a person that just “goes with the flow” all the time, but he also needs the opportunity to create his own flow. So now I’m more appreciative, empathetic and encouraging to my soulmate in ways I’ve never been before, and it’s been great (and still challenging at times cause we’re not perfect).
Thank you Dr. Tom LaHue for your time and effort in these videos. They change lives
My peacemaking attempts create conflict. I don't have any qualms trying to analyze and talk about conflict. My partner seems to get triggered by my analysis and communication which creates more conflict. There seems to be a desire of my partner to not self reflect and own the present but take my words and bring up unrelated events from the past and say that is what I do. I feel like we're stuck 😕. My peacemaking seems to be misinterpreted.
You are awesome 😁thank you for all your videos!
Thanks for making these videos!
I'm new (ish) to the enneagram. I've delved pretty deep into my type, wing, and subtype (9w1, sexual/fusion). It's been a great, though at times painful, way to understand myself better. Still, I'm having a hard time finding good resources on using all of this information specifically for self improvement. Does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks in advance for anyone who replies, and happy Thursday (or whatever day it is when you see this).
Edit: Also, it seems like most of the information I *am* hearing about 9 is negative. Not just here, but everywhere. "They have this strength, but really it's a weakness because...", Kind of just makes me feel shitty about myself, you know? My wife is a solid 2, and she comes with all kinds of useful strengths.
Sorry if my videos come across a little harsh, but I think the Enneagram basically shows us how messed up we all are, not how gifted we are.
@@twlahue Coming back to it, I never said I was looking for ways for it to tell me how "gifted" I am. My original question asked for ways to use this for self improvement.
Hi! I’m a 9 and only a few weeks into my enneagram journey. For self-improvement I recommend selfauthoring.com the future authoring section particularly ...to help you get to know what you want both now and long term. It would have been even better if they had made it a bit more structured but it is a really good start. I had to do it over a couple of weeks with loads of thinking. I also found a panel of 9’s discusssion v helpful and encouraging...they had all got to good places and talked about how they did it. I will find link and put it here for you.
ruclips.net/video/VJ3nZIXKvqc/видео.html. The panel I told you about. There is hope for us!
Spot on. I see myself in this. Thank you!!
You made so many great points in this video. I've taken the enneagram a couple of times and I've gotten either the 9 or the 4 every single time. I believe I consciously act like a 9 in public because I think it can be beneficial to appeal to others. However, ever since I realized my tendency.. I've become strongly aware of how much I've lost myself and my identity, ironically, in a process that I created to assist ME. The paradox.. am I right? Anyway.. now I'm coming out fours and I couldn't be more angry and ashamed of myself when I catch myself "acting" more like a nine out of habit. It's hard to understand who I am when I can't seem to stop pleasing and molding my identity to each person I meet... it can be quite detrimental behind the scenes. I know I've been guilty of abandoning myself in favor of others.. jumping at the chance to appreciate pain, so that when it's inflicted it's more tolerable, but how do you undo old habits like those? I want to be myself.. my own authentic self.. but how do I learn to do that now?
Sounds like you are a very self-aware person. That is a great start. Most people are not self-aware.
Dr. Tom LaHue It's my blessing and my curse. 😊
I've spent some time in the 4 camp as well. What made me realize I was in fact a 9 (even though I may not want to admit it) is that whole merging with others you mentioned. The more I've read, it is very 9ish compared to 4s who have a very strong sense of self. Reading about the soul child of each type has also been very helpful!
I relate to this very much, and it is quite difficult. One of the ways that you can begin to be more authentic to yourself is to create true harmony (the people you are with want you, not the version of you that you create for them to 'like'). Invite conflict by having those challenging conversations where you exert your opinion or your desires in the face of a differing one. Start offering your opinion in the small things (where to eat, how you like the laundry done, which program to watch on TV), and slowly as you learn how that feels and you work out what is true to you, then you can begin to do it on the larger things. There will be people who get angry about this, especially if you've been quiet and mirrored them for so long, some people may think now you're being disingenuous when really you were more disingenuous when you weren't using your voice. Let them know what you're going through. Admit that you've struggled, and how and why. Then, ask them to hold you accountable to what you've said, to your own voice, and your own opinions.
I hope you are able to get to a place where you feel that your voice is just as integral as anyone else's, and that you are also needed.
-Much love from a 9 learning to find my voice too.
@@loref4200 Thank you for your message I feel like this is what I needed yo here as a child
Do you have any 9s in your immediate family or as a spouse? They are quite different at home then in public. They are supportive of strangers goals but at home some unhealthy 9s make their family fit in with them. They use anger to shut down any attempts to discuss real problems, they can't keep family secrets but don't share news they have gained with their family, they emotionally cut off family members who refuse to shut up about raising issues that need discussing, they never are wrong and can't say sorry but rest of the family do. DM if you want to find out more.
How to help those 9s then?
Much to ponder from this one. Thanks.
Thank you for helping me discover myself 😊
Great information! Thank you for sharing.
I'd like to point out another potential weakness of unselfishly supporting others that I've seen play out in my life before: enabling. I find that I have a bad habit of avoiding tough love even when that's exactly what's necessary in the situation.
Very useful
Glad to hear that
U over explain just like my 7w6 bf :) in the nicest way from a 9w8
No no no. Us 9’s are not looking for consensus (that’s a 6). 9’s want respect and respect to others. I’m not looking for compromise rather an attitude of I will listen and respect you but I’m still in charge. I find 9’s to be the most misrepresented type and I know why. Who tbe hell am I to tell anyone anything???
Interesting, thanks for that
I wish I weren’t a 9 god I hate myself
9's are great. Some of my best friends are 9's.
How about you stop hating yourself and fix those things you hate about yourself, just because youre a 9 doesnt mean you have to stay with the weaknesses that you naturally get forever, you can still work on em
9s all the way! You just have to do the work like everybody else to get more balanced. 9s are super powerful. You got to realize that in yourself and do something with that.
I feel this often. I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you learn to love yourself, and that you can demonstrate that love of yourself by being authentic with those around you. They want you. Not the version you project, but the real you beneath the surface. I wish you all the best.
This video cuts deep. So I’ve been identifying as a 4 for a long time but a voice in the back of my head has always kept saying “BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE A 9.” It’s tough because learning about 9s REALLY hits at all the things I’m most insecure about-being too passive, not caring enough, being too carefree, not being assertive enough, etc, and especially as a guy all of that stuff really really eats at me. I’m still inclined to say I’m a 4 because at the end of the day I’m SO image-conscious… but also if you were to ask really any of my friends what they thought I was, they’d probably say 9. I do a good job of hiding all of these intense feelings of inferiority and anxiety by just smiling and acting like everything’s alright, so it’s a tough call for me.
It’s like I wish that people understood what goes on in my head more than they do. It’s just so hard, nearly impossible, for me to communicate a lot of these harsher realities & feelings I experience without just acting like my normal goofy self. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out but I think I have a long way to go.
Your use of the word too much or too little jumped out at me as a fellow 9. I’m constant mitigating the too much/too little thing.