Enneagram: Blind Spots of Type 9
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- Опубликовано: 5 авг 2024
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,
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Being roasted for 22 min but too polite to switch it off....
Hahahaha
Yassss!! Ouch!!
Heard 😂
Laughter a little too hard at this! So busted.
Hi, Dr. LaHue . We are "new" to Enneagram ....My husband is a 9w1 and I am a 2w3 . When we were 23 yrs. old we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl . ..profoundly deaf and having Mixed CP (all 4 types of cerebral palsy ) . I have thanked God everyday for my kind , patient husband who has always been there helping and supporting us. People have commented , "I don't know how y'all do it " .....Now , I realize our Enneagram type ( and a lot of praying ) led toward us being able to "do what we do " . Our "baby gjrl:" will be 52 yrs old this Saturday ( Oct. 3rd) . ... gifted artist and has her workshop here at home . From looking at our childhoods I can see how my husband and I each developed the way we did . It actually prepared us for the days to come as adults and I'm thankful for it. I'm glad our little 9w8 granddaughter inroduced us to you and Enneagram . She is only 13....had us take the quiz and "coaches".. Granny and Papa . You gotta love it : }
Awesome, thanks for sharing this.
"Why get angry at yourself for feeling angry?" LOL IDK. That one got me because of how true it is. Learning how to lean on my 8 more recently, though. After realizing I tend to build resentments/passive aggressive behavior. I'd rather prevent all of that, because that ends up feeling way worse than just addressing what's upsetting me in the first place. It's really hard though!!
1ww
1ww
Maybe 9s don't have an agenda because contentment comes easily. This can be a positive because acceptance come easily and we can take or leave many things --- not because we are afraid to disrupt harmony but because many 9s are calm and know that another glass of water is around the corner and we're not anxious about it. Of course desires and priorities are evident when you're a healthy 9. A healthy 9 can decide where they want their kids to go to school and such. As a 9 my priorities are clearer when I am fully engaged in an activity, such as working at my job. 9s can forget what they wanted to do over the weekend and "remember" when they are back on work on Monday. I believe it is important to set goals. I'm not good at it. I find it useful to write them down - and have other ways to remind yourself and be in tune of your desires and goals. It's a gift not to be angry. I acknowledge my anger and I have boundaries, however 9s (and other personalities) have an understanding of human behavior. I think 9s have an understanding that nothing is personal, so why get ruffled when others are behaving badly? Speak up tactfully and move on. My stress level is near zero because I am content and I can be happy with the status quo which isn't bad at all. I think there is a huge misunderstanding with 9s that other people are more important. WE matter most because we're ultimately trying to bring harmony to ourselves. We are selfish in that way and are not prioritizing others over ourselves. It's easy to say no to the musical on Saturday night. 9s can see both sides and they know opinions are a dime a dozen.
I recognize my anger. I think it through before I express it, but I know I can only have healthy relationships if I talk to the person involved. Kindly. Or in one of those soft but intense tones of voice so the other person knows I'm not kidding around here. Oh, did I mention that I'm 84 years old & had to work on it.
I have to tell you that I can see your confidence, understanding and ability to communicate in these videos is really moving forward. Some others talking on these topics are basically short look good click baits reading short notes from a book. Others I truly enjoy and are in depth, but are a bit more straight intellectual. Your videos are a good combination of intellectual and real life connection with a presentation from somebody that obviously cares on a person to person level. Thanks and God bless.
We deal with human animals driven by money where all logic and rational fits into as calling as reality. Instincts control them. That’s why. Finally I understand I deal with human animals not human beings for sure. Handful people are out there to live life as who they are as whole 😅.
Far away from instincts but with high conscience is 👽 for them.
All humans is broken at some degree.
I cried several times because of how true this has been for me. I am processing this information knowing that I became a 9 because I came from a dysfunctional, abusive family. I'm almost 65 and trying to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, Dr. Tom!
Glad to help.
You know, since I was a child I had many experiences that reinforced the idea that it was better if I did not voice my opinions or needs. I was afraid that my family, friends and teachers would reject me if I did not agree to what they wanted obediently. It was always as if they knew what was best for me, and would get sulky if I did not follow. The few times where I tried to take back control of my life decisions they would become passive aggressive. They would say things like “why won’t you listen to me” or “why do you have to be so difficult” when I’m unwilling to go along with their plans. And honestly it’s really tough. When you suggested to just take time for ourselves to think about what we want in life, I felt overwhelmed and choked up because it’s as if that concept doesn’t exist. I’m drawing a blank on what I want, I just don’t want the people around me to think I’m a bother because the thought of that would actually kill me.
In order for me to NOT feel sooo much like an unhealthy 9 /I'm a 3/ I went to the 6. I can empathize with you because I take on the unhealthy side of the 9.
@22:00 - Go into nature without music. I had to LOL, as I’m listening to your talk as I walk in nature!😆
In my experience, love is conditional - I always feel like my family (as a child and, now, in my own family) has the attitude that they'll 'love' me if I do something for them. I always have to prove my worth. I'm absolutely floored whenever someone does something for me without some ulterior motive. I've just had to detach from everyone at some level just to persevere. That's why I adore my doggo - such a loving, affectionate, funny, clever girl!
I can really relate to this. I wish I could get a pet myself too if only my family wasn’t against it ;(
As a 9w1 I’ve always found it difficult to voice my opinions but as I’ve gotten older it’s gotten easier...however, right now, with the way things are in the world, I’m actually terrified to express my opinions on the big issues. I feel like I’ve regressed and my stress levels are through the roof.
Interesting the points you make. So much makes sense now. I always wondered "why am I so angry all the time". It's bc I never allowed myself to express it, or voice it, but rather ignored it. It felt odd to feel angry knowing my nature is that of harmony and calmness. It actually makes me VERY uncomfortable to be angry. Now I allow myself to express anger more freely IF only I'm by myself. It takes a lottt to let that side of myself show in front of other people, but when it comes out it's like a volcano erupting and people are shocked! Lol. I'm 9w1.
You have the most helpful enneagram channel for me. Thank you. Your insights help me so much.
Wow, thank you!
Same here....in depth understanding and practical experiences.🙏🏼
Yup..most definitely a 9. Lately I’ve been working on deep rooted shame and guilt, and not judging myself for my own feelings. Working hard to create a renewed value sysytem, and really restoring my self belief. Good stuff ❤️❤️I’m a life coach..go figure 😂
Keep it up
La Petite Rose Self Acceptance is the real work 💪🏽❤️Thank you for sharing that!
Dear Joann, I think I also have deep rooted shame, guilt and anger. How have you been working on these issues if i might ask. Thanks :)
@@lizellevanrooyen4721 I give myself permission to feel the pain and sadness for the issues that make me feel the guilt and shame. Instead of trying to make sense of everything and tell myself why I shouldn’t feel the guilt and shame, I feel the feelings of it not being fair..I feel the frustration and disappointment. I put myself back at that time in my life, and I cry if I need to. In my mind I talk to the person or speak to the situation and express my true feelings about it. I suppose that’s giving my inner child the voice that it needed at that time. Feel it so you can heal it. I hope this helps you. Mymentor.life/JoannCuffee ❤️❤️
I'm definitely 9w1. There was a time (probably all the way into my 30s) when I absolutely would not express anger toward anyone besides a mate or close family member. I am absolutely amazed at how focused I become these days when I do express anger now. My ability to think on my feet and express extremely well what is wrong and exactly the issue with the other person and where they are wrong kind of shocks me. I've done it more than once with people in authority over me. I really wish I could think and express like that in regular circumstances. I used to say that I don't get angry until hours or days later. Now I can get extremely angry almost instantly. It's typically what I perceive to be an injustice or a good amount of disrespect that will trigger it. I actually feel that it's a good thing.
When you were talking about #5, I really identified. I discount myself all the time. I will purposely numb out to my own desires and feelings just to keep peace. I have often wished I could be one of those people who stand up for their needs, desires, opinion, etc. But when the other person starts pushing back I will back down and convince myself that they are right.
I am a nine and I can say that your videos have been so helpful in getting me to understand myself better. I can say that I am looking for peace in my life but it’s hard for sure! I definitely resonate with the part of a nine that tried to find peace in the small things when peace in larger aspects of life is hard to achieve. I also hate conflict and hate being a problem for people.
Thanks Tia for your insight.
If “Joe”
Invited me to his party, I would go even if I didn’t like him because I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings. I realize how crazy this sounds. Any other 9s relate?!
It would depend on the level of dislike....if they don't share similar interests vs they badmouth or has stolen from me, I'ma skip Joe's party with no guilt. Evolved 9 w 1 here.
@@TheMan8719ttv i was going to reply the exact same thing🤣 9w1 here as well
I’m would do the sams
I'd tell him I didn't want to go to his party because I was busy in solitude or that I had plans, or simply that I didn't want to go. However, often when I force myself to enter into a situation that I might not have thought I would like, a party for example, I end up having a good time. Plus, if Joe is my friend or I like him/want friendship with him, then it would likely make him happy if I attended, so this would be considered.
This is only after years of working on exerting my desires and opinions. Still a daily struggle, but I'm learning that I matter too. -9w8
I was just telling my husband last night about the group awards I got at work and how I shouldn’t have been included because I was only doing my job and everyone else worked so hard on the projects. Oddly enough, my main job on both projects was coordinating. I’m always surprised when my supervisor thinks I’ve done such a great job because it feels like just sending emails all day, but apparently not everyone can be so “diplomatic” in the wording of emails😊.
I have my moments, though. I think maybe I don’t know every time I get mad, but I do know pretty often. It’s only occasionally that I am mad enough to really say something, though, and that is usually shocking to coworkers.
20:50 is a perfect description of the biggest mistake I made in my marriage. Trying to get to know myself better and watching videos like this (this one's great, btw) so I don't make the same mistakes over again. But seriously, if you're a 9 and reading this comment, be sure to make it to 20:50
Oh you are so right!
Amazing channel. Am a 3 trying to better understand 9. This makes so much sense. I definitely fall into helplessness when stressed or disempowered, a lower 9 state, and it’s absolutely excruciating. Great to learn more
yaay! finally! btw, dr. Tom, would you consider making a video explaining the relationship between thinking, feeling and acting for each of the 3 triads, there is something about how there is a lack of connection between these, you mentioned it shortly a couple of times here and there, but I don't understand this yet, and it seems very interesting
Thank you so much, again. Your videos always bring me great insight and a feeling of being seen and loved. The enneagram has taught me a lot and you are a fantastic guide through it. I also hope you appreciate what it took for me to "add my voice" to your comments 😉
This makes so much sense. And i really recognise my own thoughts/feelings regarding ordering people. It feels very aggressive, but do now realise that it's not at all aggressive and that I actually need to do it to reach my goals etc.
I just watched your #9 intro. I'm just discovering the Enneagram and have taken two separate Enneagram number identifying quizzes. I've gotten a 9 both times. Two was the other closest but I haven't even looked into that one yet. I think I may have been pegged with the 9. I just told a coworker last week that I don't have a strong desire for much in life, no definite preferences. The ones I do I hold sacred. That makes so much more sense to me now.
Thank you Dr LaHue. Always a help
Good information! Thank you for sharing!
Good stuff!! Thanks for this!
Ok....I haven’t watched it yet, but I know this will be something I need to hear. Onward...😀
So much of this slammed me! I’m the boss of my business. Oh how I struggle. It feels aggressive, yes, to be bossing people around. Sadly, in my biz we call another lady “the boss” because she will step up and and express her opinions. She told me she is a 1. Although, I know my people care about me...there have been times when they’ve said, “Melony, we really need you to tell us what to do! We don’t know what you really want.” (This must be so frustrating for my sweet people, but my default is to give them freedom, as usually that makes people happy, I thought, and don’t have to be overlording, and I know it can all work out just fine.)
I comment before watching videos too!!! LoL
OMG you know us so well! Sometimes it sucks being a 9
Thank you for these btw
Another great video!!
I have read so many self improvement and psychology books that I interpret the ultimate goal to be “aware” of feelings (ego?) but not act on them (react to them). Be the watcher. Master your “self”.... does anger really serve any purpose ? I don’t feel good when I’m angry and I always regret getting angry because it’s irrational and pulls me off my peaceful “Center”
I have the right to show up fully to my life.
Those who avoid conflict will be guaranteed to have it.
10:30 -said no Nine ever! PLEASE leave me out🤪😀😂
This is really good
I am 9w8 I would love to see some videos on having the 8 wing bc I think it effects some of the 9 traits
I’m a 9W8. I think of it as challenging anyone who tries to take my peace!
@@mikemcconville2495 very true !!!
I am also a 9w8. A lot of the descriptions, while familiar, are also more focused on a 9w1 in my opinion. Having the 8 wing allows me to exert my opinion, especially if those I love are being treated in a way that I don't think they deserve. When I see hypocrisy or cruelty, I have to speak no matter how much I desire harmony. If I was eating with a friend and my order was wrong, I might not say anything to the waiter, but if my friend's order or family member's order was wrong, I would defend them and speak up to get it rectified. This is where the 8 wing influences the 9 and makes exceptions to the need for harmony in certain cases.
@@loref4200 agree 10000%
I've questioned anger in my life...more now than before. It was obvious to my mom and sister (they mention my aloofness/sternness)
But nowadays (single dad with daughters) I give them as much love and gentleness that they need even when disciplining. They are the happiest and most obedient girls I've met (insight from other parents praise).
But when my anger shows is alone after girls asleep and I'm playing video games online with other people. And it usually comes out when I execute a task poorly and the results slam in my face lol. I tend to want to do things right the first time around so..I dunno I actually am pretty content and happy with who I am....in Christ that is.
As a nine I relate to everything you say here.....I have always felt that if someone was mad at me they must not love me. I can see have spent a lot of time in my heart point 3.
Barbara Clark, "heart point 3?"
why is this so true
"Maybe you're not at peace as much as you think you are". Ouch! Lol
I've even set up my website with my art....I've just let it go....no expectations to sell, anyone to like it, I've just enjoyed making it, etc....yup, I'm not expecting any recognition, otherwise I'll get sad and stop creating!!
My hubby always says I'm too aggressive when I actually say what I want, planned to do, need help with.... or haven't backed down into how he thinks things need to be done with the vision I've had for our property, gardens and future use of it. It's quite sad, but he works so he earns the money, so he says how we can spend it....(another reason why I'd really like to sell some art, so I have a bargaining chip). He's an entj enn 3....its really hard to even want to show up in our relationship.
Um, no....last point isn't wanted in my home...just my unwavering support, keep the household stuff running so he doesn't have to be bothered.
Olá! Sou um 9 e gostaria de agradecer pelos seus vídeos, eles têm ajudado muito a me conhecer melhor!
"Those that avoid conflict are guaranteed to have it"
Number 4 really hits close to home. While I’m sitting here watching this and thinking back, there are a few situations I’d like a “do over” on…and then I consider the very real possibility that I would handle them the same way the second time around. And there are some where I still have zero idea how I could handle things differently if given another chance. It’s frustrating.
9’s will put strangers ahead of their own spouses just so that the stranger will have a good opinion of them, which causes conflict.
You can say that again. Funny how the spouse gets lumped into their shitty view of themself and the rest of the world gets the star treatment. Kind of a gut punch when you (the spouse) realizes this.
I have a problem with thinking I want to do something that somebody has asked me to do in the moment, but when that moment comes I realize that I don't or didn't want to do it.
Yay!
I can give clear directions as a leader... because i don't to have to deal with want MORE problems and other people's conflicts..
Or look incompetent
Dr Tom please is there any list of professions that number nine would feel best in or book ? It would be so interesting to hear some examples . Why is it so hard for nine to decide and there is some fear to change the profession even if desire is so strong. Love this video thank you
Every once in a while I start thinking I am not a 9, and then I listen to this I am like - "Dang! I am so 9!"
Finally!!! 9!!!
Every single word 100%
As for being a leader, it is more so where I often ask everyone what role they would like to take first, then if there is indecision, I will choose for them based on their skills. This could be the influence of my 8 wing. Though, I could see myself trying to find a fit for 'Jack' in some way, where he didn't have to interact with the team, so sort of mediating that issue on the side without inviting the conflict. I really wouldn't want him to feel left out just due to his personality and other people having a problem with him. I would rather just come up with a solution than have to deal with other conflicts. I'm not sure if this is the correct way to go about it, but I wouldn't feel like it was my place to tell 'Jack' that no-one likes him if he is a co-worker who can contribute to the team in practical ways despite his awful personality. haha.
Can anyone offer some advice? I'm a 9w1 and I have a complicated relationship with anger. I refrain from expressing my anger because I see the counter arguments that prove my anger is invalid and assume everyone else will invalidate my anger. But deep down I know I still deserve to be mad.
Ouch
I was typed as a 3w2 but drift to the 9 under stress. I avoid conflict at work and at home and identity with a lot of 9 characteristics. Mostly doing what it takes to get along and keep the peace and not being aggressive or pushing my agenda. Often times when I go along with others agenda I replay the situation in my head and start to resent the other person for their selfish behavior and get angry. What should I do in conflict and lean into my anger?
Great video! On your next series, can you count down from 9-1?
Good Idea!
Me as a 1: 😮
Thanks for advocating for the 9s. 😁
I need
I hate some accolades so mush that as a nurse I didn't go to my own pinning ceremony , nor did I take the traditional nursing photo portrait. Both were just too much attention. I'm still proud to be a nurse, but I just could'nt celebrate in those ways.😂 Typical 9.
The quiet, personal accolades are far more meaningful in my opinion. Such as a note from someone saying how much you helped them during a difficult time or something similar. Those are the things I collect for days when I don't feel like I make a difference. They are good reminders that action, no matter how small, is integral.
Hey Dr. Tom, I have a question about competition and excellence. It's so interesting b/c as a 9, competition and excellence relate a lot to my surrounding wing numbers and my line of integration (8, 1, 3). As a result, I think I often feel these sort of unfulfilled and untapped desires -- to be the best, to excel, to be praised and admired by others, etc. -- in me, but my core 9 simultaneously resists it. I really want those things, but I am also insanely stressed out by competition and comparisons (I don't particularly thrive when I put those things as my primary motivation/goal), and feel that baseline, people should not be defined or valued by their performance. And yet, I still just always have that niggling desire -- to be excellent, to be good, to be praiseworthy. This is just a constant conflict that goes on in me and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to resolve it.
I’m curious about this as well. My husband is a 9 and I believe he also struggles with this.
I totally resonate with this. I think the wings, particularly the eight part of me wants power and and achievement and the nine is terrified of those things. Creates a lot of internal conflict
@@glenharnish Yes. Being a 9w8 is like a walking paradox. The need for harmony, yet willingness to rise to a challenge (especially involving those I care about or someone who is in need or taken advantage of). It's desiring to resist conflict, but calling out someone for their hypocrisy or cruelty that is so ironic that it feels like being torn in two.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
As a 9, I sometimes feel energetically "steamrolled" by people with loud voices and strong opinions.
As a 9, the fear of being abandoned is a constant background static.
Also, I wonder if Hobbits are 9s ?
Love this. I am wondering if you can do a video on the Type 9 Blacklist. I am curious about it and I'm nervous I've done it to someone but I don't really have a clue or idea of what the blacklist in 9s really means. I think you mentioned it once in another video but the video itself was about a different thing with 9s. I would love a full elaboration on it :)
Great suggestion!
'Blacklisting' in my opinion, is similar to the INFJ 'door slam' stereotype. It would be making your mind up about a person and giving up on allowing further chances for them to prove you wrong. Basically, putting them on a list of people that you will no longer associate with, or sometimes cutting them out of your life completely.
This can occur for many reasons, but typically it would be when the 9 sees someone as stirring up conflict and upsetting their need for harmony or peace. For an INFJ it comes after offering several chances, and concluding that the individual is determined to never change. The way to combat this is to recognize that some people have different motivations, needs, and choices and that while harmony is ideal in many ways, it is also the desired outcome and not the means by which you resolve an issue. People don't need to all get along, they need to understand each other, and that understanding is what creates harmony. Blacklisting or door-slamming is an immature response to conflict, and should really only be used in severe cases of abuse or when boundaries have been disrespected.
I'm curious what @Dr. Tom LaHue will say if he does a video on it. Thanks for presenting the idea to him.
9's inadvertently make themselves frenemies because of their lack of authenticity.
This man really has a thing for nines doesn't he?