Enneagram: "Never Do This" To Each Type
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- Опубликовано: 25 сен 2019
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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Shortcuts
Type 1 - 0:50
Type 2 - 2:32
Type 3 - 4:36
Type 4 - 7:36
Type 5 - 9:53
Type 6 - 12:59
Type 7 - 16:46
Type 8 - 19:30
Type 9 - 24:28
Thank you!🙏
My 7 thanks you 🙏
Bless you
My 3 needed this 😂😅
Thank you :)
shoutout to all the 9s that typed out comments and then deleted them because they decided their opinion didn’t matter 😂
I'm not a 9, but your comment made me LOL :)
Omg that was me right now 😂
Omg I did this on several of these videos and finally hitting enter here!!
So true!
Oh my gosh I felt that on a personal level.... may delete this later.
I'm a 9. Nothing irritates me more then being interrupted and spoken over. It's equivalent to saying I don't give a damn about you or what your thinking. What you have to say isn't really important. You hit the nail on the head.
I hear you but I'm the kind of person who, when someone meanders on and on and takes too long to say something, I feel disrespected, like my time isn't important or I'm being lectured to. People... haha
mandyinseattle true I get that if my response happens to be long winded. That’s not what grinds my gears. I mean, when there is a two way conversation and I can’t even get a thought out or answer question in a reasonable time frame. Especially if I have been patiently listening to the other side. I get silently infuriated if it’s consistent.
It kinda sucks, too, when you muster up the courage to point out that you have something to say, and you hope it’s well accepted, and then you get to say it, but during and afterwards there aren’t any validating body language gestures or verbal responses like smiles or nods or, “Oh that’s neat.” or something, but instead they just keep talking about what they were saying before, as though you didn’t even say anything at all.
I don't know. I am polite and try to be respectful when other people talk (and more of a listener by nature anyway), but I've been accused of these things by some who talk slowly and/or take 3 to 5 'dramatic pause' breaks each sentence. Not trying to 'steal spotlight', highjack the conversation, disrespect the other person, always wait for a lul and when it seems they've finished with this thought, its implied that he or she is more than welcome to swerve to the new fork and explore the opportunity, or carry along with their flow. And if I just patiently wait until it reaches dead end naturally, all those things would be many subjects ago and no longer relevant, its awkward and I'm again accused of things((( Those same people rudely interrupt and talk over all the time without even trying to be considerate.
FlamesAndShadows well that's a different matter all together. I would not be annoyed by what you describe. Sometimes is natural to misjudge normal pauses that would be a natural space to replay. To be clear for me, the behaviour that drives me crazy looks more like being interrupted mid-sentence or thought, and repeatedly. I don't mean something long winded or unreasonably long. To be clear what I think is really rude is when there is a back and forth conversation but the other party is constantly unwilling to hear you out or let you complete your response in a reasonable timeframes and sometimes even changing the subject mid response. Most people don't do this. When it does Happen it's maddening.
OMG the Nine SAGA. I had no idea you were gonna go THERE. My mom has been telling me her sagas 1000s of times over the 6 decades of knowing her. I can't help but talk over her bc she won't stop talking. All those freaking details. What she had on her salad. Every time. And she never remembers she's already told you. I've tried everything (and she DOES have useful important things to say. We call her for political and financial advice!). But my brain has got the conclusion and she's still EXPLAINING. I feel so guilty sometimes for how often I cut her off, or try to... She IS a great human being and a great mom. I think no one truly listened to her as a child. Great video.
Another 9 here. I seem to attract people who like to talk-a lot! I’ve been told I’m a good listener but if only they could hear my inner voice!
You were spot on! As an 8, when someone betrays my trust, I rip them out of my life as fast as I can because I just cannot stand to allow them to kind of 'exist' in my space, within my castle like you described it, any longer! So infuriating!
I’m a 9 and I have ALWAYS said my biggest pet peeve is interrupting. Not just interrupting me, but anyone. Now I know why. Thanks!!
(I interrupt a LOT and it’s something I dislike about myself and am always working on. It’s an adhd issue 🤦🏻♀️. Not even close to disrespect - just awful impulse control and it’s way worse if I’m exhausted.)
My husband is a nine and I’ve had to discipline myself to sit quietly and allow him to articulate his thoughts. It can be hard to not want to interrupt because he’s slower to get things out.
I'm a 6. Just to add to not do with sixes... don't be inconsistent. It adds suspicion. And sixes hate being thrown out of the loop.
Totally
For me, as a Type Six, don't ever NOT take my concerns seriously. Don't laugh at my worries. Don't try to tell me that "probabilities" are more important than "possibilities."
And yeah, don't lie to me.
As a 5w6, I think one of the most infuriating behaviors I exhibited growing up was my tendency to sweep in and be like, "Actually..." I seriously wasn't trying to be a pain, but instead trying to provide information you may not have been aware of, that might be advantageous to you or just plain interesting. Honestly, I was just trying to help. Unfortunately, it only earned me a reputation as an obnoxiously precocious know-it-all butting in where literally NO ONE asked me. But I just wanted you to KNOW!
I've learned to be more chill about it and instead quietly developed a reputation over time to be a font of information and advice for others. Which, on one hand, I hate the responsibility of possibly giving them bad info/advice but also want them to be empowered with knowledge or a new perspective.
Thanks so much for the input. Sounds like you have grown. Blessings.
@@twlahue I hope I have. Blessings to you, too.
You could have been writing about me. Exact same experience.
I'm very much a 9 but I've noticed that I've definitely got a lot of 5 characteristics in me, if for different reasons. I used to do this all the time (still do to an extent, but not nearly as much and in more socially acceptable ways), but rather than trying to provide additional information I'm trying to provide additional context.
@Transplanted1 Aww, that sounds like a really sweet bonding experience. I'm glad they have that memory.
When listening to a 9, the operative word is listen. If I (a 9) start to talk about something, even something brief & upbeat, they'll make bored sounds (distant "uh huh" like their minds are a million miles away), shuffle papers or whatever, & the moment I pause for breath, they jump in and immediately ramble on and on and on in minute detail (especially the sixes in my life.). They never see the irony, let alone the hurt they cause.
I'm a 6 and my boyfriend is a 9. I'm awful with interrupting and these videos have made me so mindful to just let my bf talk and talk and not interrupt and it's probably not something he notices but this little change has opened my mind so much.
So true! I'm a 9, I listen to people, really take in their experiences on many levels and layers, and they feel valued, heard, and safe since I'm not judgemental. However I expect to also be listened to when I talk and express myself. People cut me off and ignore what I say a lot of times, not only when I tell a detailed "story" but anytime! I think people are just very needy for an ear, and so used to me being such a great listener they think that I love doing that and that's my role. And I do love to listen and connect, but you have to also let me express myself equally and take in who I am. 9s want to be seen and heard, we usually became nines because we felt ignored, so this is a deep scar. If you cut me off or just use what I have to say as a jumping off point for you to talk, I've gotten to the point where I will always hold you at arms length. I may not tell you and may even still act like we are close, but I will never let you that close to me on the inside. Then people may wonder why I seem to be a little aloof, but I'm not aloof as a person, I've just partially checked out of this particular relationship.
Yes! Sometimes I feel like I listen too much to people while they don't do the same, which results in a lot of reservedness from me, in general.
I am very accomodating, but few are the friendships that I consider to be real.
Omgggggg this is so true and this hits soooo haaarrrrddd
Boom 💥
So well said, and very true :-)
I am a type 4. Most of my friends are 9's. I will remember this and listen to them more!
I’m a 5 but I jive with “never tell them what to do” and “never try to control them.” I can’t stand it when people meddle. I want to be left alone to figure things out for myself!
My sister is a nine and her storytelling has ALWAYS stretched my patience as far as it'll go. Now I understand why a little better, thank you for that
9 here! I agree with everything you said. I have a huge pet peeve when people say anything like "Right!" and "Yeah!" while I'm in the middle of sharing and their intentions are "I know what you're saying, but--" or wanting to just say THEIR opinion without actually pausing to listen to my whole thought. I can tell the difference between someone gently affirming me and agreeing with me while I'm talking vs. when someone just wants to rush to share their opinions.
4 one is spot on. I almost yelled “YEAAAAHHH,” In a pizzeria when you said “don’t tell a 4 what to do” great content!
Glad you liked the video.
,I little
I knew exactly what the never ever behavior is for a 4 before he even said it. 🤣🤣🤣
@theinquirer13 As a 4w5, I felt this way, too, when I was in college. I was a commuter student bcs the uni was just within the city I lived in. My mom is a 2w3 and can smother you without her meaning to. But when I went away for grad school, I missed her reaally bad bcs she was my best buddy and it was my first time living alone.
Totally agree. At work, whenever we were told how to do a certain new task, I'd do it the prescribed way for the first few times but when I get the hang of it, I always think of ways to make the process more efficient. As a daughter of an ISTP, I've been trained to think of ways to make any task way easier to do by creating a more efficient and effective way of doing it. This idea speaks to the NeSi of my INFP self and the 4-ness of my 4w5 on a spiritual level. 😁 So, when I'm told what to do by my bosses, I'd be like, Yeah, sure. But in the back of my mind, I'm already drawing a revised version of the task flow. 😅😂😂
Oh my god this video hit me so much. As a 9 I definitely tell stories like a saga and my ex-best friend would not only talk over me, but she would up front tell me "Lene, when you tell a story it's always boring and I constantly zone in and out and when I get back in I can't believe you're still talking." It's safe to say I think I have become even more self conscious about telling a story and although she "tried" to "help" me learn how to shorten and summarize before talking, I honestly just couldn't be bothered to tell her stories anymore. And she'd talk about how great she was at telling stories and what a great friend she was for helping me realize I need to improve my stories. It's safe to say that every enneagram video I have watched on Dr. LaHue's channel has helped me realize that I felt resentful for more things than the "cherry on top" that caused me to end that friendship.
When my 9 husband tells a story, I sometimes joke, "Once upon a time, there was a little boy named.....", because MY LORD does he get into the weeds and extraneous details!
But your exhortation to not talk over them really hit me. Thanks. I needed the reminder.
@@tracybishop7792 I'm pretty conscious of the fact that I check out and stop opening up when that happens. Not that I do it intentionally, I'm just aware that I do it.
Made me laugh when you said 9's tell a saga! My daughter still brings up how I told her a 10 minute story about how I sorted my markers by color.😂true story though.
Right. I get it.
I've told a 30 minute story about a 30 second interaction that I had earlier in the day. Not sure how it happens, it just does.
"Never tell a Four what to do." So true that I don't even like following recipes. Thank you, I'm laughing right now.
Omg 😲 same! I'm a 4w5 and create my own recipes all the time. My new favorite is an easy apple pie. Cut up apples, sprinkle with sugar & cinnamon to your heart's content, & then pour pancake mix over it. Bake in the oven for like 30 or 45 minutes whenever it's done. (Check with a toothpick for doneness.)
As a 9 I think my Story Telling style is saying as little as possible, summing it all up in like 2 sentences. Because most of the time I don't feel like it matters. But if once in a lifetime I feel comfortable enough to share a longer story it truly ends up in a saga and I even lose myself in it and half way through I don't even know anymore where the story goes. It must be a pain in the a** to listen to me 😂
I have two modes:
1) nearly mute because I don't have anything that I feel is worth saying at the time, or
2) talking your ear off about something that interests me or has me emotionally invested.
There's no middle ground.
I'm a barista at Starbucks and I was making drinks and it was pretty busy and stressful. While rushing around I accidentally pinched my finger in the ice container lid and I'm a dramatic 4 so I cursed (quietly), my coworker saw/heard and told me to calm down and laughed at me, which really got my gears going. I turned to her and snapped "don't tell me what to do!" and walked to the back room to get a drink of tea. Don't belittle my feelings, it infuriates me.
Right...People do this all the time to 4's. Sorry.
Rachel I feel you in this. I’m a 4 and was a barista at Starbucks. I don’t know if you’re this way but if I hurt myself or dropped something and I gasp and someone says “what happened?” I need a good 5 minutes before I want to answer.
As a Type 9, I was never aware of how upset being talked over made me until recently where I roomed with a Type 1 who didn't really make an effort to listen to me or understand my point of view because before, I used to be accustomed to it in my family. And now that I think about it, I do feel so much anger towards that, especially when I'm directly asked what I want, and when I finally come to a conclusion, people just tell me what to do anyways regardless of what I asked.
That feeling inside of you...is what others call "anger."
As a 9, I didn't even think before now about how much effort it takes to be so easygoing and accommodating. It's so TRUE; it can be exhausting making everybody happy, and it usually doesn't even fully register how tiring it is. Also talking over me? Absolutely true, it's a knife to my heart. I already feel so small sometimes, and that makes it worse.
Great insight into yourself.
I adore 9s. So fun to be with. I’ll listen to you any time. But I didn’t realize you worked hard to be affable. It seems so naturally easygoing. So I just want to say thanks.
Your part about the 9 on point 🎯
I literally spurted my coffee out when you explained the speaking style of 9🤣 "saga telling? I go ALL over the world before getting to the gist of what I'm trying to explain. Tooo true 👍
Oh my 9 heart is so touched by your description of us! ❤️
I’m a 9 and after a lifetime of being either talked over or watching people’s interest in my narrative wane before I’ve even touched on the crux of my story, I’ve learned to preface everything I say with “to make a short story long...” When I’m talking I can see people’s eyes roll to the back of their heads, I can see them getting agitated and I can hear myself talking incessantly. There is a voice in my head saying “STOP TALKING! Get to the POINT” but I can’t. My need to paint a full and comprehensive picture overrides my need to be snappy and entertaining. The end result is my story is so diluted nobody cares by the end of it. That said, I tell stories how I went them to be told to me. People always joke how I’ll ask a million questions and constantly seek clarification about seemingly innocuous details. But I can’t digest a superficial story - I need a full picture in my mind to appreciate and understand things. It’s an absolute nightmare 😫😫😂😂
Beautiful! The length of your post makes the point perfectly :)
I just discovered the enneagram this week, so I've been looking into my type. I'm a 6. This was SO spot on. I have always hated liars, even people who tell little lies to make you feel better. It doesn't make me feel better. If I find out that you told me something just to make me feel better, then yep...how can I trust you to tell me the truth in hard situations? Why was I asking you the question in the first place? This is something I've actually had to work on getting over a bit. My sister really helped me learn that it's really normal for people to tell each other little lies to make them feel better. I hate it, but knowing that it's normal has at least made it so I don't severely judge someone when I find out they've done that. It's more of an eye roll and a sigh now instead of a full-on, "NOW YOU CAN NOT BE TRUSTED," which is how I was before. Thank you for your videos on this!
My ex part 8 w 9 very loving and kind. But I needed him to show up in our relationship in terms of being prepared to look at his part in our problems. He lied cheated, denied it all and left me homeless and he was a millionaire. Revenge and betrayal was the price I paid for challenging him!!!!! I guess he saw that as some kind of betrayal. And in truth we were probably both trying to change the other but boy was he determined to come out on top regardless of the consequences for me.
I'm a 4, married a 2.
When I'm tuning in, I could see his
"needs" (with my sensitivity) that he never speaks out. I love seeing 2's happy faces when they are appreciated ..and when they are cared for. They are the most caring ones because they wanted to be cared for...
As a 6w5, I already knew what you were gonna say for 6s from the beginning of the video. I laughed when you said the 6s already knew what was coming. Also, great videos!
Thanks...Blessings.
Did the test - I’m a 2w3 and husband is an 8w6 - this is such good stuff! I’ve been watching all of your videos!!
Sitting through the videos is definitely teaching this 7 patience. Truly love these
Great video, it is the 3rd one of your channel I have been watching this week end, I find them loving, intelligent and so helpful. To me, your glance, words and presence feel compassionate. As a type 9 with wing 1 I liked very much the video with your daughter about type 9. Owesome job, thank you so much.
Thanks for your feedback. Blessings.
As a 4 that hit so damn hard in the best way possible. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing your insights. Been deepening my understanding of myself as a 9.
Type 1: Criticise them
Type 2: Take them for granted
Type 3: Ignore them
Type 4: Tell them what to do
Type 5: Never underestimate them
Type 6: Never lie to them
Type 7: Never try to control them
Type 8: Never betray their trust
Type 9: Never talk over them
For referencing purposes. The full video consists of the explanations in a complete and realized form.
A speculation - I imagine the differences concerning the potential mistaking of the similarities between the "never" behaviours of Type 6 and Type 8, are in regards to the direction of their mistrust. While 6s are motivated by an innate FEAR of the environment, collectivity and connectivity with others is crucial for the maintenance of a satisfiable defense against the changing uncertainties of the environment. From this it must irrevocably be considered that this information be trusted such as to correlate to the unpredictable flux of the environment that could as a consequence cause severe personal and familial damage to the given 6 if not in accordance with truth. 8s however, are motivated by an INSTINCTUAL distrust of others, human beings, as those who look in directions opposite and opposed to them, and as such rely only upon the anomalies who exist almost inseparable from themselves as what they may consider to be aligned by the way of lateral intuitions, parallel and alongside in viewing the same things with an avid sincerity.
Thank you for the video. Great stuff!
This post is absolutely great! Thanks for posting -- so helpful and insightful!
You're so welcome!
My Partner is a 9 and my best friend. The meandering.. Laughing my head off. This actually drives me crazy 😂
My Type 3 friend was driving me home, after we just ate with his employees. I said, "I want to just tell you thank you, for always getting dinner." And he's like, "No, no, I'm the Boss." And I said, "Yes, I know, but I still wanted to say thank you, I really appreciate it." And he looked at me, and said dead pan serious, "Actually, I'm a really nice guy." At first I thought he was joking, but he was dead serious. "No, no really. I'm a really nice guy." He does not mind taking credit lol. Very funny.
Love moments like these ❤️
As a 3, as I read that, I was actually thinking he was trying to point out that deep down he is nice, that you just don't normally see it. About how people always think we are selfish and self absorbed, so he was over compensating by saying it out loud to make sure you do see it. Rather than taking credit.
My husband is a 2w1 and I’m an 8w7 so I think you can imagine how much your videos are helping us even 15 years in 😂😂
Thank you. Great video. I love learning about the enneagrams. As a Special needs nanny in the past, I observed all these personality differences just knowing how to raise them.
I had to discipline every child differently. Nature and Nurture, everything connects in a pattern of behavior.
I discovered I was a 2W3, with a very strong 7,8. Plus, I identified both of my sons. Their MBTI types corresponds with the enneagram. One is a INFP, 4 and ESTJ, 8. Im an ENF×.
GREAT INFO. Understanding the enneagram has made me understand the social dynamics of anyone, hence creating more mindfulness in the moment.
La
I’m a 9, and meandering is definitely part of our storytelling and I get called on it by co workers all the time. Mainly because I work with 8 and 3 salespeople. My 8 boss always wants the short version and it just doesn’t exist with me
This was immensely helpful. I think I have a solid read on a few people from this video.
Hahaha - I appreciate your bemused expression when you talk about 9’s. They sure do make you happy. Sweet
I'm a five (5w6) engaged to a seven (7w8). He says he's thankful I'm never controlling and because I've never made demands in the past 7 years he (just now) feels like it's "worth" it to stay in a relationship. Knowing about the enneagram has made me lean into my interest in social dynamics and actually interact with others now with legit confidence. I'm glad information like this is very accessible for people out there. Thank you for your work.
Yeah, I’m a 4 and I HATE being told what to do. I think it comes down to something I heard Jordan Peterson say once about how people offer advice because they want you to shut up about your problem. Like they think they can fix it and if you weren’t so stupid in the first place, and had just done what they say you wouldn’t be having an issue at all. Most people who have ever told me what to do weren’t even close to understanding the complexity of what was going on because they didn’t properly listen. It’s also feels like not being trusted to be able to figure life out if given the space needed to process.
Or maybe they genuinely just want to help
This list is more about preparing you for someone’s flaw than what we shouldn’t do
Oh yes, very helpful. As a 9, yes, I find people talk over me all the time. I am diminished by it.
Sorry. We all do it to you guys.
Aw... Don't feel diminished. Can you shorten up the story a little or be alert to cues that somebody is checking out of the conversation. Brevity is the soul of wit, they say.
@@mandyinseattle Hard to shorten a story you never get a chance to tell.
@@mandyinseattle I mean, we _could_ shorten the story, but then we wouldn't be telling the full story, and it's important to have the full story in order to fully understand what's being said. There's a lot of depth that can't always be communicated succinctly, and you miss out on some of that if we try to condense what we're saying into shorter and more manageable bites.
And it's not that we aren't alert to cues that people are checking out - in fact, I would say we're _hyper_-alert to those cues because we see them constantly, and they sting. We want to be seen and heard (not because we crave attention or anything like that, but because we have lots of valuable thoughts to contribute and we want people to see who we are and what we care about), so we're acutely aware of when we're not being seen or heard.
None of that is to say, though, that we aren't ever concise. I say things in as few words as I need to for people to grasp the full scope of what I'm saying. If I can say it in a one-liner or a couple sentences, I will - and those one-liners are absolute bangers. If it's something more complex (even if it's simple on the surface it can be very emotionally complex within my own mind, and I want to convey the full emotional complexity of it), then it will likely turn into a saga. But I usually just don't speak unnecessarily. Long but meaningful is far better than short but meaningless, in my opinion.
@@tyleremery7088 Well said, Tyler. I do understand that my impatience and ADD is my issue :)
I'm a 9, and I despise being interrupted or talked over ! It feels SO disrespectful and insulting. Unfortunately, I feel like it happens all too often. Most people are not good listeners.
I think the saga thing for 9 has to do with gut types wanting the truth of their experience to be seen, so for a 9, all those little details are a part of their experience so it's necessary to include everything to truly see their experience.
Really good way of putting it!
Wow I did not see that coming! I’m a 4 and thank you that is SO accurate 👏👏👏 and I’ll add, don’t ask me what I want you to do either cuz I’m just gonna tell you “do what you want to do.”
Woooooow. Type 3, wing 2 here. I did NOT know how much I lean into that wing 2 until he got to talking about them! Thank you.
You bet!
I am a type 4
This is 100% accurate!
I HATE being told what to do, or how.
I have to be given the space to express myself authentically
Speaking from a 9s perspective... I think when a 9 is in the inner circle of an 8 they are willing participants in an 8's "banter." A 9 would not view that as threatening their peace, coming from an 8. That's part of the beauty of 9s- we're not offended easily and we understand (can even relate to) differing perspectives and can play along. Just my thoughts...
Agreed.
8s are honestly my favorite type because of their directness. As long as they can temper that directness with listening and patience toward me when it's my turn to speak, I'm more than happy to go along with their banter.
You have shed insight into my 2w1 persona. This has kind of set me free and given me some power I didnt even realize I was giving away. God loves me and He is in the details.
Finding you accidentally was a blessing!! Thank you for the way you break it down! This layman can comprehend.
Do you have a compatibility chart between spouses and their enneagrams?
Be blessed.
Glad to help. I may do some compatibility videos in the future...
@@twlahue yes please! 3’s in relationship with 8’s! 😅
I’m a 9 and it’s so true! I’m currently with a person who is a 3 and he absolutely loves to talk over me or cut me off. If I tell him a story about something that had happen at work, he would constantly rush me and tell me to get to the point... it’s extremely annoying and just don’t valued as a person when that continues to happen.
It can be challenging to stand up for yourself. People applaud the qualities in us that we need to change. In other words, they love and admire our unhealth. When a 9 stands up for themselves and their will, people will think you are are unhealthy or there is something wrong with you. Quite the opposite.
As a 6, I apologize and admit fault more than anyone I know, even when I am right. So, I would have to disagree with you a little bit on that part. The way my 6 brain processes it is that if I do something that is wrong or taken poorly, I immediately think worst case scenario. I think, oh no, I did something wrong, this person will never forgive me, I need to immediately own up to it and ask for their forgiveness in an attempt to salvage this support system and friendship. On the other hand, if someone never apologizes or admits fault, usually 8s, 5s, or 3s in my experience, I immediately cross them off of my list of people I can trust. If you can't admit you're wrong about anything, I have no time for you in my life because you are untrustworthy to me. Admission of guilt and seeking forgiveness is huge to me and plays a major role in how I view people.
Thanks for this nuance.
@@twlahue It may have something to do with the fact that my second highest score is a 4 though, so I place a high value on authenticity too. Love your videos though.
I'm a 6 5w self pres. I, too, rarely have a problem about admitting a wrong I've done. It is about being honest and trustworthy, not only to establish and maintain secure relationships, but because it also communicates to others that it is ok for all of us to be a falable human. We all have self-defeating ego defenses, as any student of enneagram knows:) Also, however, being vulnerable helps me test others (a 6 trait). How do they react to my self disclosure? Can I trust them?
I'm 72 now and have known about enneagram for decades, plus have a spiritual practice and am a retired therapist. My fear of punishment has significantly reduced over time, and I couldn't understand my anxiety until I realized I believed anxiety was keeping me safe.
One of my biggest areas of growth has been my increasing courage to express what I think, feel, know and want. (Pressing send on this comment is still scary, and I just edited out a paragraph lol). I am less people pleasing out of fear of conflict and ultimate abandonment, though. Increasingly and as a result of much work, I can remain diplomatic in order to maintain relationships, but am able to stand more strongly in my truth. This has been iberating beyond belief for me as a self pres 6.
I have been enjoying your work since discovering last week. I'm spreading the word. You are a good man doing a great service. Your self-disclosures are delightful.
CP 6 here - Yes, I agree with you Aaron Janz, after all we are also known as the dutiful/responsible types, so naturally we see it as our duty to accept responsibility for our errors, failures, etc. I also subscribe to the idea that something worse may happen by not owning up to the mistake. However, I think the idea that a six won't admit fault might have developed because of two other components to our type: 1) We fear being targeted or blamed so much that we may opt out of doing things when failure or mistakes are part of the possible end scenario. 2.) Most of us sixes probably admit fault but we may also find a "reason" for the mistake. I think it is common for a six to say "Yes, it was my fault, but it happened because of this_____________." It is very helpful for us sixes to just say "yes, I did it and I'm really sorry it happened" (and end there).
And yes, Dr. LaHue, never, ever, ever lie to a six. No matter how small, no matter how horrible, we'd rather know the truth than believe a lie. It feeds into our lack of trust of ourselves and of the other person and makes us believe all of our worst case scenarios that much more.
I'm a 6 and I'm the opposite. I get almost obnoxious in proving I'm right and almost get enjoyment doing it. Maybe I'm extreme counterphobic, but saying I'm wrong when I'm not or accusing me of saying or doing something I didnt do and you DONT believe me when I say otherwise, there will be a problem. Throw my east coast personality on top of it, and the end result is it doesnt work out well for you.
As a type 5, I concur about knowing lots of random info. Even know the answer to who owns the bit of land between the sidewalk and road 😆
Wish I knew this many years ago especially raising a family
Great information. I can see how this applies to the people I know that I can identify on the enneagram.
On a separate note, I can tell from the comment section that he really knows his 9s. :) His daughter must be a lucky one!
Im a 5, and didnt totally relate to mine, but that six one was absolutely SPOT ON.
So nice to hear some encouragement and understanding for us poor little 9’s! Thank you ☺️
I’m a 9, so, YES. For me it’s about respect. Disrespectfulness is my number 1 pet peeve. I can’t stand it when i fiiiinally get a word in and say, my husband, just jumps in and finishes my own story for me or something like that. It makes me feel like I’m not interesting. They make me feel like that guy with the red stapler on Office Space. Who I am nothing like by the way. Lol 😂 ...😤
Awesome. Thanks for the comment.
"They highlight parts of the story that aren't relevant to the punchline, and maybe there isn't even a punchline..."
If that doesn't perfectly encapsulate my communication style 😭 I'm constantly prefacing my stories with elements that I think are relevant, but don't appear relevant when I first bring them up, because I haven't stated the main point yet.
Please do the speaking styles of each type video :)
So, so spot on!!!
Thank you!
Whatever you do: do not micromanage me...it will backfire. 4w5
9: oh my godddd people always tell me that I suck at telling stories and they don't listen to me because it takes too long and I get sidetracked
i always thought nines were good at telling stories. maybe xnxp in mbti
"I hear a lot of stuff, I learn a lot if stuff; but it just kinda disappears! " That's me to my history teacher.
I find it so interesting how 2's and 7's always end up together! I guess, opposites attract hey?
I‘m an 8w7 and another thing you should not say to an 8 is „Come on, let down your guards for once and relax“, because that will trigger an 8 and make him prepare for an ambush. You made that quote in the other video about what each type needs, and I am having a hard time forgetting that because to some part I realize that it might be true, but also that it is impossible to accept from an outside source.
I’m a 4x3 and i’ve never really felt that “rules don’t apply to me” because I’m such a rule follower especially when it comes to authorities!
And not just in a I follow rules way but I try sooo hard never to break rules
As an ENTP 7w8, freedom is very important; especially freedom of speech. Being handed an extremely rigid routine of schedule for say, a lifetime and no freedom of speech? That right there's my definition of hell.
I don't know what # my husband is (yet), but he is the best listener and I knew I appreciated him, but now I appreciate it even more that he can listen to sagas all day erryday. I still thank him all the time for listening to me. I know I talk a lot, but I have a lot to say! I always loved how Anne of Green Gables said something like, If you only knew how much I wanted to say and didn't, you'd give me some credit (after being chastised for talking too much). Also, run-on sentences are a problem for me, but if I could just add one more thing, and use commas, and you can follow me, you will understand it allll. I always feel like there's a countdown on how much time I have to get all the facts in. Maybe people won't notice how much I say if I use the right vocabulary and talk faster. These videos are so great. I can't believe how many of the deepest mysteries to myself about my personality are explained by being a 9w8.
When you said that Sevens tend to need the most control . . . actually Ones occasionally need to be criticized, as well. Maybe not as often, because they try so hard to be right, but everybody deserves criticism sometimes. I once expressed some pretty difficult feelings to a close One friend about our relationship dynamics and how the ways that she treated me affected me, and it caused a little interruption in our friendship that lasted a couple of years. We're doing well now, but I think our relationship is more complicated on both ends than it used to be.
Then, I'm a Four and I sometimes have to be told what to do if what I'm doing is hurting other people . . . but if not, you damn well better not be telling me what to do too much, or just as a reflex like more domineering types of people tend to! Maybe all types have to have their "never-ever" done to them occasionally? I don't know. It would be hard for me to imagine when it would truly be necessary to break someone's trust (Eight) or lie to them (Six). Maybe if the Eight or a Six were making a mistake and had to be stopped but wouldn't listen to anybody. It would be even harder to imagine truly having to talk over anyone (Nine). Unless you have somewhere you need to be in five minutes and we have to wrap this story up.
Us poor 9 and 2 sisters in a house with an 8 brother! 😅 "Bantering" and talking over us are us girl's greatest woes! How we still all love each other at the end of the day, is truly amazing 😅
19:30 (8) challenger
Thankyou
Thank you!!
@@nlehmer it’s crazy legit, 8s observe and then when we open up and show vulnerability and if people take that as my weakness, so done with them. And in hindsight, I’ve witnessed it and I’ve experienced it, they betrayed always apologize!
As a 9, my reaction to being talked over, I feel, depends on who the one talking over me is and how often they do it. If they don't often interrupt me, then I would just let them talk (although some irritation might seep in). They do it enough, and I would become irritated and defensive.
As a 7 - yes! I’ve been in quarantine for 2 weeks!!! Oh so hard to be super strictly controlled!!! I can’t wait for freedom
Me, also a 7
I’m an eight and I can relate to every word you’ve said which also mean I have my work cut out for me 🤣
LOL 11:36 it's owned by the city not the homeowner but the homeowner has a responsibility to maintain it. I'm not even a homeowner yet! (Type 5)
Nice 😆
If you don't own it, you are not responsible (unless you are a slave).
Great information. Thanks.
Wow. I always thought I had an issue with authority where it’s not necessary, but it’s a 4 thing!!!! I absolutely hate being told what to do. I don’t ever get mad often, but that’s one way to make me livid (when it’s not a reasonable order/suggestion). It’s definitely a 4 thing I realize now hahaha I would have never known.
It is good to know this about yourself.
Great video, like all off them. Every sinle one make me smile ;) I'm 9 but in this video I would say 100% i'm 4. Its crazy and I love it.
Thank you. Very interesting and helpful.
I'm pretty sure I'm a 9 (lol, classic). I dislike being interrupted and never want to interrupt others. However, with my closest friends it's often a sign of great conversation! I'm always cool with it as long they make a point to say, "sorry to interrupt, you were saying X" and bring it back to the topic (or vice versa). Interruption while blatantly ignoring anything I say (or vice versa) is totally inappropriate and demeaning.
I also detest lying SOOOO much (6). And being told what to do - outside of work situations I guess (4s). I guess lying violates the respect a 9 wants along the same line of interrupting. And being told what to do means people aren't extending the basic decency 9s extend to others--which is not ASSUMING anything about anyone else and understanding they could experience the same external situation in many different ways and actually be competent and knowledgeable in ways that aren't immediately evident to the other person.
A lot of what you said may be due to a 8w? What do you think? The lying which makes a person in your "fort" seem untrustworthy.
And 8s dont want to be controlled. (Like a 4)
4 is dead on excepts one thing. I am extreme about following every rule and every law. I won’t have a sip of an alcoholic beverage and drive that day. I think this is because I am a 4w5.
This 4w5 bends certain rules...but is hardline about others. I smoke dope, disobey certain petty or oppressive laws, I tell dirty jokes and swear like a sailor and I am messy at home...but I NEVER EVER litter, nor do I butt in when someone is minding their own business - stuff like that. ☺
I am a 6w5. I am a husband, father, and a journeyman in a trade. Whoever I ask a question to I just want the truth. I have emphasized this to them. Even if it isn't the answer I would like to be true at least I know I am working off good info and can trust that person. Improvement can always happen when there is truth and a willingness.
My big dilemma is treating people in a way that the other person is comfortable and safe telling me the truth. This can be difficult for a 6 as we tend to get suspicious.
So true....as a 3, accomplishments seem to pile up because it's where they're sense of worth is buried......but the ones closest to the 3 often ignore the wins since they think the win is accomplishment enough . What a 3 needs was always the encouraging words of honour and admiration that is the real accomplishment
I get talked over often. I don’t get too offended. As 9, one thing that bothers me is when people ask intrusive questions - especially from a 1 because with 1s I can feel like I’m always being judged.
I'm a 9 and my sister is a 1 and it's like stay out of my business who cares if I have a Stellar portfolio for life like she always has to ask a million questions, very intrusive..Funny because I don't do it anymore but yes the Saga continues..lol I used to leave long voice mail messages like I was talking to the person on the phone..It was either deleted or they fell asleep..ha ha
I'm a 9 but I don't usually tell stories like that. It really grates on my husband's nerves, a very long-winded 3, that I can be so brief in my descriptions of things. I cut to the chase. I wonder why most 9's are meanderers but I'm not. But if someone talks over me or fades away and is obviously not listening to me after I worked up all that motivation to share myself, I will shut down for a long time.
Type 9 here, months ago and even today I’m kind of sorry for babbling my life events to a person that asked me questions, he was respectful and didn’t stop me to which I’m grateful for. ;;; perhaps I got too excited
Right?!? When someone actually _listens_ for once, you better believe they're getting an earful because they actually care enough to listen to it!
OMG, you just helped my understand my 9 ex-husband's never ending rambling that drove me absolutely crazy! Didn't realize it bothered him so much for me to interrupt him, but how else would the story ever end? I'm sorry but there are only so many hours in a day.
This probably isn't really funny, but when I first read your comment, I thought you had 9 husbands.
😂🤣😂🤣
As a 9 I totally confirm the saga thing!
I’m a 3 and my husband is a 9. I can so relate to what you said about the meandering story telling. In fact, when I am the one telling the story, he will stop me and actually ask for clarification of insignificant details! Now it makes sense!
Wow
I wasn't sure whether I was a six or not. But then I realized that not a month ago I had a whole drama about one of my friends having lied and I literally insisted on wanting to know the truth about who was lying and why, it's ridiculous how accurate it is. I have just a few good friends, and there most certainly is no room for liars in there.
Actually I'm a 4 and I'm one of the most law-abiding people, lol. So i'm gonna have to disagree about 4s not following the law. Following the law is just part of having good morals and values. I would say my "never ever" is actually "don't ignore me" because ignoring a person is to act as if they're not even a human being. It goes back to the whole "treat people how you want to be treated" thing.
Being single, I've found that ghosting is emotionally catastrophic. It doesn't matter how serious or casual the relationship, or the ghoster's motivation; any attempt I make to spark a dialogue only makes me appear desperate and stalkerish. I'm a big girl, I can deal with a lot; please use your words rather than spin me into this endless cycle of devaluation.
Your wing is 5 or 3?
@@etbedtalksAOH Not sure. If I have to choose one I'd say maybe 3, but I don't relate much to either of my wings to be honest. But I can say my instincts are definitely so/sx/sp if that helps.
I’m a 9 and everything you say is so spot on it makes me laugh ( sometimes tear) but it’s great. Learning so much. Thank you. Also, I’m dating a 1, will you be doing any tips on relationships between numbers? Thanks 🙏🏼
That is a good idea. I will think about it.
Earthling those numbers?
End it
- 5/6
I know it's been a while since your comment but I'm married to a 1 and he is amazing at helping me keep strong boundaries and not be a doormat for other people. I think letting him help you and being clear about ways you need or want help and where you don't can be amazing.
Oh cool the genders are flipped. I'm the one and my husband's the nine. We've been married for 5 years but together (basically married, there was no question about, we knew we mesh too well together) for 10 years. In my opinion we are the best couple ever. We work so well together and we just always know what the others thinking. I think that's because we are wings of each other and we talk a lot. The only thing that we have to be careful of is how we communicate. Because I am the one, I can just end up assertively listing things that we need to get done and that can be very overwhelming to my husband to where he ends up getting nothing done and just sits on the couch watching TV and playing on his phone. So I've learned to either pick one thing for the day or one project for the weekend to work on. Also I make sure to always ask Gregory his opinion on things and when he tells me "I don't know" or "I don't care" I double check that he actually has no opinion or if he's trying to push aside his own thoughts/feelings. Those are only a couple small examples that I can think of because we talk so much and never fight. Gregory's a nine, he knows me soooo well like he's in my head. He can do things on my behalf, to my liking, it's perfect. And when he gets home I ask him "how was work" and "how are you feeling" then I say nothing and listen to him speak, the saga. Currently, I know his ankle has been bothering him because he was slightly limping on it yesterday. He probably hasn't even noticed since he usually "powers through" his physical ailments. So I'm going to have a foot soak ready for him when he gets home to relax.
@@Zimoria Hi, wow, you are a much nicer and considerate 1! I wonder I wonder if it’s a gender thing too. Don’t get me wrong, Nick is great! But he can be pushy and I can feel easily feel overwhelmed. He always thinks he has the best way of doing things, well and sometimes he does! I have come a long way since I first watched this video tho, learning to take a moment to really pay attention to my feelings to see what it is I really want/need. It is tricky tho, so much easier to go with what others want. But I’ve gotten better at saying no. And better at listening to my self. I personally hate going to the Doctor (being the center of attention and having to talk about what I’m feeling) it’s so uncomfortable for me, so if something is wrong it has to get pretty bad before I put a foot in his office!! I hope he gets better with all your tender care and love. 💜✌🏼