My amazing logically-minded partner has at times been the best support I could have when I am unravelling. As long as it’s not him I angry at, he seems to be able to talk me down from my panic moments. He thinks he’s so terrible at relationships and a bad partner (and sometimes it’s extremely difficult) but when he’s there - he’s ALL IN ❤️
“As long as it’s not him I’m angry at.” SAME here. Except it’s my wife who has ASD. She’s wonderful to have on my side in every other situation though. But she can’t tolerate the slightest implication that she could be causing a problem.
Mark, when I say this I mean it: You're incredible at what you do, and helping many who have lost a lot of hope. Well, as you've said... giving up hope is the first step to meaningful change.
My Asperger’s guy can become super-critical on any of my flaws; although I do my best to be hypervigilant of my idiocyncacies. This can hurt me to the core of my being & only pray for his relational empathy to my responses. Thanks so much for your wisdom regarding this under rated issue. Love, Sara. 💜
Your words are my strength in this marriage. I've put into practice many of your suggestions, and I love him more, I understand him, and I repeat, love him more now. Thank you from the bottom of my NT heart, Doc.
Just to appreciate how a regular day for me is so much more complicated -with potential land mines- for him- really helps me remember to be supportive and not judge
Admitting this is huge, as a person who is very intuitive about others, if someone tells me he or she is at a loss, I don’t mind explaining and helping others with these social nuances. Yes, social situations are complex specially in some contexts. Opening up to explaining, expressing and being honest with others about difficulties helps all of us.
@@silviacachia7537 I think with the right person who the aspie feels they can trust we are generally very open and honest about our weaknesses.The problem is we often suffer from a form of PTSD as a result of the stress of living in this nt dominated world which is very cruel to us when we are young and vulnerable.This trauma never completely goes away.
I had a very difficult breakup in the past with someone that has been late diagnosed autistic and adhd. I never got closure on that relationship because every time I tried to bring it up I was always made to feel like everything was my fault. She never talked about her feelings on it but just implied I was wrong. I regretted that breakup for years, still do on some level, and while the diagnoses helps me understand that part of this is probably down to ASD it still caused a lot of heartache. Interestingly, I now suspect my father is ASD for similar reasons. We are no longer on speaking terms because he was impossible to deal with. My brother also thinks he's autistic because my nephew, his son, is diagnosed ASD. I read it can be genetic.
I never tell him. He would be mad to think of himself in the AT way. I just use Mark's suggestions in my own day to day, and boy howdy it is working! I don't care as much, I don't work so hard. And I forgive him always for he knows not what he is.
Thanks. We broke up an stayed best friends an back together right. You are a big blessing in it. And we are both spectrum but way better humble together.
Because of the deficiencies mentioned in this video, conflict with an ASD is a real ordeal for all involved!!! When my attempts to resolve conflict fail, I distance myself physically and I write a prayer, which I share with my beloved husband via WhatsApp. Prayer allows me to be VULNERABLE--obviously NOT accussatory nor defensive. Shortly after reading my prayer, my beloved husband invariably comes through for me. Of course, it takes a tremendous amount of HUMILITY from my behalf! As always, thank you, Mark ☺
Since this is a growing marriage problem you may want to consider writing a little book for NT wives using these prayers so more can benefit! Just an idea!!
How do the ASD 1 person ( regardless of gender, I would think) fall in love or just recognize that they have special feelings that leads them towards marriage or establishing a romantic relationship if the ASD 1 person is unaware or is lacking in the emotional domain??????
Probably because that's the one part of most people that doesn't always have to do with neurological functions but it's a function of the heart coupled with choice and hope.
I reflected further and realized, either rightly or wrongly and please give me your feedback if you can. Is it not correct to say that the emotional expression of an ASD person is biologically affected as in stunted in an early age. Would not this condition disable a person from recognizing love feelings towards another? This is one thought. Another thought is that, maybe there is self-awareness that allows the ASD that there is love in his/her heart and this knowledge bypasses the neurological conduit and rather taps into his spirit?
"Why do nt partners have to do all the work " As Mark says, you don't. But you might need to be the one to start. Imperfect analogy but imagine your perfectly normal dream husband had a stroke that damaged a part of his brain. It's going to be incredibly difficult for both of you, but you're going to have to make some adaptation while he begins to hopefully recover some functions and pushing him to be what he was will only cause more damage. You'll almost certainly never get to normal but its the best chance of getting you somewhere better than here. And he's going to have to work to understand what's going on with himself and how to manage it better and in ways that aren't as damaging. And if he's convinced it's logical and reasonable, there's a good chance he will. But you're still in a better position to create a stable environment for that to happen in.
Not only does my ASD husband not know what I'm thinking, he decides what I'm thinking for me and then reacts with anger, stone walling, and is critical, All this stuff being said He is a great man! and Like some of the other comments he's there for me with anything that involves others. But when It's him and I I have to be super careful how I answer, With out any accusatory means behind anything. Because he really is a know it all, I have to come into the room and say, Can I ask you a question? and then I will have had to think of how to word stuff carefully when talking with him.
... I'll bite ... feelings are always valid (they indicate an internal degree of stress, contentment, optimism etc) but never "right" in a propositional, logical sense. While they aren't right or wrong, feelings can be more or less well founded. That is, they can be based in both accurate or inaccurate perceptions (and often a mix). When I'm feeling some way or other I mostly just want to know if it's well founded or not. When I tried counseling this mostly just exasperated the counselor.
My Aspergers lady does not do much to reciprocate in our 4 yr romantic relationship. As time passes she does less and less to invite me to do things, stay overnite, give gifts, etc. Seems like she is focused on other things in her life over the past yr. What’s that about.
Makes perfect sense but… what can a mate DO differently while maintaining sense of self? You’re not suggesting the NT spouse drop all beliefs and acquiesce to every thought of the ND spouse… so is this small divide just a permanent rift?
TOTALLY !!!!Right on!!!! This is spot on!!! Well, on top of this I've also come to the conclusion, that my husbands, mother is probably ASD also!!!!! And She is defiantly socially not there. And being raised by her and his father. He's also not super social. also, his sister is also very much like them. the little brother who came along 20 years later. Is not this way, but he also has been raised with my influence, that being said He is sociable, So he is more an NT, But I think he picked a girl, when he got married. That is a little like me, But Shes a know it all and is awkward like his mom. Thats totally crazy!!! I just love it when you explain things, because I think like you, and always have and always felt like I was the crazy one. This all being said, I come a family were. y mom acts like a child and is sarcastic and teases in a way of making fun of you but thinks she's funny and guilts and manipulates people to get what she wants, So, when my sister and I finally figured this out, we understood a lot of why we get defensive with others, and why we have some anger issues. LOL I now not funny, but you have to just learn to deal with this stuff, and I've noticed there are things I'm just used to dealing with, a bit easier than others with Neurodiverse mates. But mine has not be officially diagnosed!! I'm learning so much from these video's., and I am for sure mine is like a level one, or something Because so much fits! anyways. 😳😳😳😳😳 I don't feel alone, but a bit like I really don't know if he'll really follow though to get diagnosed, He says he will, but yeah!!! He does not like to talk about the past or his parents and or our issues. He is one of the people who you say is one that relies on the outcome of the incident. and would probably think my intentions are to ________ I 'm not sure what to put. something (example ) nit pick him and or his family. ???
My husband has super sensitive sensory overload. He is easily triggered when I ate crispy food like french fries. He accused me for chewing my food without closing my mouth and that’s why the noise. When he gets triggered he start argue with me and gets super angry. The worst is he started to chase me out of the house! Very stressful as it’s getting too frequent. Could you suggest how aspie with Sensory overload with anger issues be treated? Does CBT works or he would need medication? Looking forward ti your advice thanks!
Just talked my son into getting diagnosed The psychiatrist Dr Chan Said asperger syndrome Is a childhood disease You cant diagnose a 37 yr old man I told him that was not true Do you have any suggestions?
I am not a psychiatrist or doctor but here are my thoughts: ASD is not a disease which you acquire sometime in your life, its a different operating system of the brain and its permanent since birth. It therefore doesnt make sense that an adult cant be diagnosed with ASD.
If you watch autistic diagnosis stories on RUclips you'll find that often a Dr or Psychologist not specializing in Autism will make all kinds of fast dismissals and not realize they are out of touch. Basically the general advice I've seen is: you want to find someone who specializes with Autism so they can properly assess whether someone is autistic or not.
See someone else. It doesn’t go away. It’s so sad that there are not a lot of resources out there for adults and it wasn’t really a big “thing” a few decades ago which is why so many are struggling with this. My partner is 44 and has his first appt towards a diagnosis in a couple of weeks. He feels like he was robbed of his whole life and angry that nobody picked it up when he was young 😔 I picture him as a gentle, innocent boy who was deeply misunderstood and then abused as a result. Devastating.
@@Mellyouttaphase Same here. My partner's parents knew and didn't tell him. At 40 we found it out together. He confronted them but that was not satisfying at all.
If you wish for an aspie like me to do a complex list, don't tell me, write me the list. I genuinely do my best to do what is asked of me, but after about the third to fifth word, a word spoken catches my attention, and I uncontrollably track off and don't understand the rest of what you are saying. I truly am thinking of what you were saying, but am totally unable to listen to what you are saying at this point. We mean no disrespect or harm; forgive us for our inability to listen to a 3 step list. We can read and reread a list as often as needed.
I have this too especially on important phone calls which stress me greatly.I also make endless lists about important things to employ 'the memory of the hand'.
I thought this might help my HFASD years ago, it doesn't. I myself function best with written instruction too. I'm glad you found a method for yourself.
I think the term (NT) Neuro Typical should be changed to (OE) Over Emotional. The fact that some of the OEs of this world can't, or won't, control their own emotions is quite scary. OEs often have meltdowns and don't have an ASDs ability to calm down and see things for what it really is. I find that people with HFASD are calmer and more thoughtful, while OEs are more selfish and ego-centric, yet OEs are thought of as 'normal'. If that's the case we need more people with HFASD. ASD is not a mental illness, it is merely a different way of thinking and processing.
When "OEs" or NTs are the majority, it makes them "typical" vs. "atypical" just because something is typical doesn't mean it's preferred, best, better, etc. What it does mean is that the majority of NTs get along by being OE as you'd consider it.
" I find that people with HFASD are calmer and more thoughtful" Until we're not... then whoah. There are plenty of people (and growing) with little to no emotional control and that's deeply unhealthy, but having some 70-30 or 30-70 mix of emotions/logic isn't over-anything.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
I finally left mine! Solves A LOT of issues! 😁💡
My amazing logically-minded partner has at times been the best support I could have when I am unravelling. As long as it’s not him I angry at, he seems to be able to talk me down from my panic moments. He thinks he’s so terrible at relationships and a bad partner (and sometimes it’s extremely difficult) but when he’s there - he’s ALL IN ❤️
😃😃😃💞
“As long as it’s not him I’m angry at.” SAME here. Except it’s my wife who has ASD. She’s wonderful to have on my side in every other situation though. But she can’t tolerate the slightest implication that she could be causing a problem.
Mark, when I say this I mean it: You're incredible at what you do, and helping many who have lost a lot of hope.
Well, as you've said... giving up hope is the first step to meaningful change.
My Asperger’s guy can become super-critical on any of my flaws; although I do my best to be hypervigilant of my idiocyncacies. This can hurt me to the core of my being & only pray for his relational empathy to my responses. Thanks so much for your wisdom regarding this under rated issue. Love, Sara. 💜
Your words are my strength in this marriage. I've put into practice many of your suggestions, and I love him more, I understand him, and I repeat, love him more now. Thank you from the bottom of my NT heart, Doc.
Same here... It's not all about me...❤
Just to appreciate how a regular day for me is so much more complicated -with potential land mines- for him- really helps me remember to be supportive and not judge
Well said, I couldn't agree more
The bit about understanding/inferring others intentions really hit home as I really struggle with this.
Admitting this is huge, as a person who is very intuitive about others, if someone tells me he or she is at a loss, I don’t mind explaining and helping others with these social nuances. Yes, social situations are complex specially in some contexts. Opening up to explaining, expressing and being honest with others about difficulties helps all of us.
@@silviacachia7537 I think with the right person who the aspie feels they can trust we are generally very open and honest about our weaknesses.The problem is we often suffer from a form of PTSD as a result of the stress of living in this nt dominated world which is very cruel to us when we are young and vulnerable.This trauma never completely goes away.
Mark is amazing at understand all these issues. Thanks Mark
I had a very difficult breakup in the past with someone that has been late diagnosed autistic and adhd. I never got closure on that relationship because every time I tried to bring it up I was always made to feel like everything was my fault. She never talked about her feelings on it but just implied I was wrong. I regretted that breakup for years, still do on some level, and while the diagnoses helps me understand that part of this is probably down to ASD it still caused a lot of heartache.
Interestingly, I now suspect my father is ASD for similar reasons. We are no longer on speaking terms because he was impossible to deal with. My brother also thinks he's autistic because my nephew, his son, is diagnosed ASD. I read it can be genetic.
Wow dude! You just blew my mind here. Thank you thank you thank you.
This hits home. I'm sure my AS husband will probably disagree he acts this way. Even though we've been told this before.
I never tell him. He would be mad to think of himself in the AT way. I just use Mark's suggestions in my own day to day, and boy howdy it is working! I don't care as much, I don't work so hard. And I forgive him always for he knows not what he is.
@@cactusjenny12 Thank you for this. This is what I am trying to do and your message was sent at the perfect time. I'm glad to hear it's working well.
How do we support our ASD partner when they are blaming other people and help them be aware of the intentions snd not just the outcome?
Thanks. We broke up an stayed best friends an back together right. You are a big blessing in it. And we are both spectrum but way better humble together.
Because of the deficiencies mentioned in this video, conflict with an ASD is a real ordeal for all involved!!! When my attempts to resolve conflict fail, I distance myself physically and I write a prayer, which I share with my beloved husband via WhatsApp. Prayer allows me to be VULNERABLE--obviously NOT accussatory nor defensive. Shortly after reading my prayer, my beloved husband invariably comes through for me. Of course, it takes a tremendous amount of HUMILITY from my behalf! As always, thank you, Mark ☺
Exactly....
Since this is a growing marriage problem you may want to consider writing a little book for NT wives using these prayers so more can benefit! Just an idea!!
Priceless!
Thank you for enlightening me with info on my passion!
You bet!
Yes!!! We discussed this just hours ago!! Thank you Mark 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾📢📢📣📖
Boom!
How do the ASD 1 person ( regardless of gender, I would think) fall in love or just recognize that they have special feelings that leads them towards marriage or establishing a romantic relationship if the ASD 1 person is unaware or is lacking in the emotional domain??????
Probably because that's the one part of most people that doesn't always have to do with neurological functions but it's a function of the heart coupled with choice and hope.
@@madeline982 Thank you Madeline, I had not thought of that in that way.
I reflected further and realized, either rightly or wrongly and please give me your feedback if you can. Is it not correct to say that the emotional expression of an ASD person is biologically affected as in stunted in an early age. Would not this condition disable a person from recognizing love feelings towards another? This is one thought. Another thought is that, maybe there is self-awareness that allows the ASD that there is love in his/her heart and this knowledge bypasses the neurological conduit and rather taps into his spirit?
Why do nt partners have to do all the work to try and understand what's going on it's exhausting
At some point enough is enough. He had no self awareness and I can't do it anymore
He refuses to see any wrong with him
they don't
"Why do nt partners have to do all the work "
As Mark says, you don't. But you might need to be the one to start.
Imperfect analogy but imagine your perfectly normal dream husband had a stroke that damaged a part of his brain. It's going to be incredibly difficult for both of you, but you're going to have to make some adaptation while he begins to hopefully recover some functions and pushing him to be what he was will only cause more damage. You'll almost certainly never get to normal but its the best chance of getting you somewhere better than here.
And he's going to have to work to understand what's going on with himself and how to manage it better and in ways that aren't as damaging. And if he's convinced it's logical and reasonable, there's a good chance he will. But you're still in a better position to create a stable environment for that to happen in.
The spouse with Aspergers might not be aware of any issues within the relationship due to mind blindness.
Not only does my ASD husband not know what I'm thinking, he decides what I'm thinking for me and then reacts with anger, stone walling, and is critical, All this stuff being said He is a great man! and Like some of the other comments he's there for me with anything that involves others. But when It's him and I I have to be super careful how I answer, With out any accusatory means behind anything. Because he really is a know it all, I have to come into the room and say, Can I ask you a question? and then I will have had to think of how to word stuff carefully when talking with him.
As someone with asd dating someone with asd this is so helpful for looking at myself as well ❤
I'm so glad!
... I'll bite ... feelings are always valid (they indicate an internal degree of stress, contentment, optimism etc) but never "right" in a propositional, logical sense.
While they aren't right or wrong, feelings can be more or less well founded. That is, they can be based in both accurate or inaccurate perceptions (and often a mix).
When I'm feeling some way or other I mostly just want to know if it's well founded or not. When I tried counseling this mostly just exasperated the counselor.
I'm looking for info on when both partners have asd anyone point me in the rite direction, so far some of this info does apply thanks
I have couples' groups...
My Aspergers lady does not do much to reciprocate in our 4 yr romantic relationship. As time passes she does less and less to invite me to do things, stay overnite, give gifts, etc. Seems like she is focused on other things in her life over the past yr. What’s that about.
They're good in the beginning, it's called the honeymoon phase, and then there's what you're talkin about right now ,join the club.
Makes perfect sense but… what can a mate DO differently while maintaining sense of self? You’re not suggesting the NT spouse drop all beliefs and acquiesce to every thought of the ND spouse… so is this small divide just a permanent rift?
16:00 can save your sanity
Well we autism people are not good husband/wife, i better stay single.
TOTALLY !!!!Right on!!!! This is spot on!!! Well, on top of this I've also come to the conclusion, that my husbands, mother is probably ASD also!!!!! And She is defiantly socially not there. And being raised by her and his father. He's also not super social. also, his sister is also very much like them. the little brother who came along 20 years later. Is not this way, but he also has been raised with my influence, that being said He is sociable, So he is more an NT, But I think he picked a girl, when he got married. That is a little like me, But Shes a know it all and is awkward like his mom. Thats totally crazy!!! I just love it when you explain things, because I think like you, and always have and always felt like I was the crazy one. This all being said, I come a family were. y mom acts like a child and is sarcastic and teases in a way of making fun of you but thinks she's funny and guilts and manipulates people to get what she wants, So, when my sister and I finally figured this out, we understood a lot of why we get defensive with others, and why we have some anger issues. LOL I now not funny, but you have to just learn to deal with this stuff, and I've noticed there are things I'm just used to dealing with, a bit easier than others with Neurodiverse mates. But mine has not be officially diagnosed!! I'm learning so much from these video's., and I am for sure mine is like a level one, or something Because so much fits! anyways. 😳😳😳😳😳 I don't feel alone, but a bit like I really don't know if he'll really follow though to get diagnosed, He says he will, but yeah!!! He does not like to talk about the past or his parents and or our issues. He is one of the people who you say is one that relies on the outcome of the incident. and would probably think my intentions are to ________ I 'm not sure what to put. something (example ) nit pick him and or his family. ???
My husband has super sensitive sensory overload. He is easily triggered when I ate crispy food like french fries. He accused me for chewing my food without closing my mouth and that’s why the noise. When he gets triggered he start argue with me and gets super angry.
The worst is he started to chase me out of the house! Very stressful as it’s getting too frequent.
Could you suggest how aspie with Sensory overload with anger issues be treated?
Does CBT works or he would need medication?
Looking forward ti your advice thanks!
Just talked my son into getting diagnosed
The psychiatrist Dr Chan
Said asperger syndrome
Is a childhood disease
You cant diagnose a 37 yr old man
I told him that was not true
Do you have any suggestions?
I am not a psychiatrist or doctor but here are my thoughts: ASD is not a disease which you acquire sometime in your life, its a different operating system of the brain and its permanent since birth. It therefore doesnt make sense that an adult cant be diagnosed with ASD.
@@ninam.8315 that was my thought
If you watch autistic diagnosis stories on RUclips you'll find that often a Dr or Psychologist not specializing in Autism will make all kinds of fast dismissals and not realize they are out of touch. Basically the general advice I've seen is: you want to find someone who specializes with Autism so they can properly assess whether someone is autistic or not.
See someone else.
It doesn’t go away.
It’s so sad that there are not a lot of resources out there for adults and it wasn’t really a big “thing” a few decades ago which is why so many are struggling with this. My partner is 44 and has his first appt towards a diagnosis in a couple of weeks. He feels like he was robbed of his whole life and angry that nobody picked it up when he was young 😔 I picture him as a gentle, innocent boy who was deeply misunderstood and then abused as a result. Devastating.
@@Mellyouttaphase Same here. My partner's parents knew and didn't tell him. At 40 we found it out together. He confronted them but that was not satisfying at all.
If ASD losses interest in relationship when time goes by, should ASD marry ASD better than NT?
Good question
If you wish for an aspie like me to do a complex list, don't tell me, write me the list. I genuinely do my best to do what is asked of me, but after about the third to fifth word, a word spoken catches my attention, and I uncontrollably track off and don't understand the rest of what you are saying. I truly am thinking of what you were saying, but am totally unable to listen to what you are saying at this point. We mean no disrespect or harm; forgive us for our inability to listen to a 3 step list. We can read and reread a list as often as needed.
I have this too especially on important phone calls which stress me greatly.I also make endless lists about important things to employ 'the memory of the hand'.
I thought this might help my HFASD years ago, it doesn't. I myself function best with written instruction too. I'm glad you found a method for yourself.
A thoughtful analysis and helpful suggestion is “gold” to us NT partners. Thank you for this.
Thanks. This was a helpful comment.
Does aspergers have varying degrees of severity?
Varying profiles / combinations of symptoms. Various amounts of coping ability. Variations across situations.
I know this,
it doesn't get better
W
I think the term (NT) Neuro Typical should be changed to (OE) Over Emotional. The fact that some of the OEs of this world can't, or won't, control their own emotions is quite scary. OEs often have meltdowns and don't have an ASDs ability to calm down and see things for what it really is. I find that people with HFASD are calmer and more thoughtful, while OEs are more selfish and ego-centric, yet OEs are thought of as 'normal'. If that's the case we need more people with HFASD. ASD is not a mental illness, it is merely a different way of thinking and processing.
When "OEs" or NTs are the majority, it makes them "typical" vs. "atypical" just because something is typical doesn't mean it's preferred, best, better, etc. What it does mean is that the majority of NTs get along by being OE as you'd consider it.
" I find that people with HFASD are calmer and more thoughtful"
Until we're not... then whoah.
There are plenty of people (and growing) with little to no emotional control and that's deeply unhealthy, but having some 70-30 or 30-70 mix of emotions/logic isn't over-anything.