I have to have less expectation of people and just enjoy them as humans. We are all humans, none of us our perfect but all of us have something to offer!
His New Life yeah, I go back and forth. I will spend even a year just not trusting people and being my fake self 100% of interactions. Then I meet somebody I think I can be real with... and stupidly let it all go :( It’s like I’m still on the search for someone who can handle the real me. Not satisfied with just being fake to keep people around. Ready to fail again when strong enough haha or far enough away from the previous disappointment. I feel like I need to get it tattoo’d by this point.lll DO NOT BE YOURSELF I don’t care what the world preaches... you can tell a basic b* to be themselves coz they’re just like everyone else and will be mostly liked for it. We cannot take this same advice.
I get that. I'm in a similar boat, but I am glad to see that you know "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother". :) I hope you get some friends, bud. P.S. There are clubs, groups, and organizations for autism, college students, christians, artists, musicians, basket Weaver's, athletes, writers, etc. P.S.S. I made some good friends this last year by going to a small church that has a lot of fellowship time. It was scary at first, but everyone was really nice and accepting. And guess what? The first person I met there has Asperger's too! And he greeted me in the first 2 minutes of walking in.
Lol ouch.. "how do I make friends? I know! I'll be a good friend!" This rings so true in my experience. I ended up just accepting that I'm the type of friend that shows up when someone needs me, and "I" disappear when I'm no longer needed.
This is so relatable for me. I disappear or withdraw when I feel like I have no input in a relationship because I’m afraid I will be seen as worthless if I have nothing to give. Luckily my friends are understanding and allow me to have space to “work on myself”. I made sure to tell them that it’s something I’m going through before I block them out because I don’t want them to feel like they’re to blame.
I learned as a child that my needs were too much, so I tend to pull back when I’m in shutdown mode. I don’t want to burden people but it makes it hard to maintain relationships because I am MIA so frequently.
Yes!!! This was my experience too. I was always told that I was too much. Too intense. Too emotional. I was told I expect too much from people. So I’m terrified of bothering people.
Finally my people! I work in healthcare so my clients have also become some of my closest friends. It's easier for them to understand when I'm not there it's my time and for me to have a good reason to have a set schedule that benefits everybody.
I think a lot of us are taught to sacrifice and be selfless so we think we shouldn't ask for reciprocity. But we need to remember it''s ok to ask for it.
Mia Mantri when I find myself in these situations now, I make it clear that friendship is a two way street. If they’re not going to reciprocate, i make the decision to walk away. I think the key is understanding you deserve to be respected and supported as much as the next person. My life has improved greatly since.
Yes, and if you never ask for anything, to a NT it seems like you don't want to be close friends. And then suddenly there's a huge request, which is startling, because that's only something that a close friend would ask, and this whole time the NT has been getting the message "we're friends, but not close friends". Because asking for something is showing vulnerability, need for the other person, personality, and that's endearing and relationship-strengthening.(bit by bit, not all at once) The muscle analogy is so good!
"remember it"s okay" actually you need to "learn it's vital" and set boundaries. When my efforts to make friends didn't work, I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I saw others who behaved selfishly yet still made friends and I was so confused and exhausted trying to understand it all.
I usually can't believe that anybody would not be ill intended, or at least strictly utilitarian, or indifferent, towards me, as I have so seldom experience such behaviours in my lifetime.
I've never asked a friend or family member besides my parents for anything in my entire life. Now that i think about it. Not even for someone to pass a bag of chips so I can have some. I never borrow anything or ask for favors. I never complain to people and accept them for who they are. This actually makes a lot of sense now. They just get used to it and don't even think I might need help.
If im working by myself and need help, I'll design a contraption to help me do it alone before I'll ask for help. I feel like I'm bothering someone if I ask for help. But I will gladly help someone else do literally anything and it doesn't bother me... I'm actually happy someone needed my help.
People avoid me when they realize I can see NT manipulation techniques and logical fallacies as if they had a blinking red arrow pointing at them. When I point out what they are doing it makes them mad. I realized a while ago that most normal people don’t even realize they’re being manipulative or that they’re using lies to get what they want. The more I care about a person the more likely I am to point out when they’re being deceitful, if they are low self-esteem they go away. The friends that stick around are the ones who are secure enough to tell the truth. I’d rather have five really good friends than dozens of manipulators.
My experience: A close friend in my elementary school years evaporated when we both went to high school. It was as if a switch flipped in his head at age 13 and mine did not. A close friendship in early years of high school evaporated in senior years and despite attending the same college we never spoke. A close friendship that I had for three years in college evaporated in the final year. Three years of daily friendship, shared notes, shared projects, shared interests...... gone. The final year we acted as if we barely knew each other. I was practically ghosted. The worst of all. A friendship from high school which lasted 20 years. The brother I never had. My best man if I should ever need one. A fellow lost soul who also was never comfortable in the world. That same switch flipped. I was surplus to requirements. Ghosted. I envy people who skip through life oblivious to this kind of life experience.
I can empathize with you. I’ve had many close friendships evaporate as well. It’s really heartbreaking, but all I can do is resign myself to the lessons I’ve learned along the way and move forward.
I feel you there. I currently share a house with a friend I’ve known for almost 15 years now, a friend I’ve down more for than anyone should reasonably expect, who I’ve made personal sacrifices for and given up happiness for, and in the last 8 or 10 months he started sneaking out of the house so he doesn’t have to invite me to hang out with mutual friends. Said Mutual friends are indeed friends, they’re some of the only people to actually text me first, want me to be included as an adopted Uncle to their toddler, and so on, so its not them. Its my roommate and supposed best friend of 15 years. When I confronted him about it he basically blamed me, said that I “never participate” and “never want to go anywhere.” (Both lies)
@@scragjonezv4843 bullcrap. & Don't be so Nasty. Narcs self actualize in a Much Different way than working on themselves...Truth is they Don't work on Themselves..they work on Others..i was Raised by 0ne & married a few so..i know em inside out pretty well.....
Yes..but, i get where he's at..it can Feel selfish since we spend so much time trying to interact with others..taking time out just to interact with ourselves feels a little..alien..lol..but..You are So Right, if we Need to, we have Every Right to, & Really Should.
I find reading recovery material and books on codependency and boundaries help with this issue a lot. I also have learned to treat friends like cats; let them come to you, then pet.
@@t-man5196 this being posted *a year ago* aside, at the time i commented it was listed as a premiering within 24 hours, so I couldn't have watched the video because it wasn't out yet.
While "rejection is the story of my life" massively hit home with me, this video doesn't. Nothing against this video, i'm very glad it's here for those who need it. The problem i run into that causes my rejection cycle isn't the same one; i never even get to any relationship to test. Whenever i reach out to someone, want to make an appointment for something to get to know them, want to connect in some way, i just....get no response. Calls don't get returned, appointments not made, conversations aren't reprochiated, single events don't get followed up on. Doesn't seem to matter how much i try, or what angle i take, i get no response or connection from the other side to build anything. The whole school of fish metaphore in the first stages of contact and connection.
I guess the initial move of "being a good friend" to make people like you is not as bad, as it sounds here. I did this at first and I experienced the same frustration, BUT I learned how to please people and make out their needs. Now that I am able to do this and able to give them not too little and not too much (which demands incredible focus :-D ), I can move on to the next task. Now I can learn to ask for my needs. Not too much at a time, but regularly a little bit, always balancing, always focused. In those few sentences, it looks easy...but it was a 15 year journey of making it my special interest and making very slow progress. So don't be dishearted. Congratulate yourself on every single event. Even getting a smile from a stranger. And than slowly raise the bar.
I'm NT and this has been the story of my life too. Difficulty making real friends not just superficial fair weather ones. I've heard that true friendship is rare and the average person can count themselves lucky if we have one or two genuine friends. If you also have a condition that interferes with your ability to socially engage then it's going to be even more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say that it's a reality of life that sucks. One of the people who I consider a genuine friend is on the spectrum. Atm he's withdrawn. I know this is normal for him but he's been MIA for longer than usual and I'm worried. True friends are difficult to come by and I treasure mine and do whatever I can to keep them close. I hope over time you'll find some genuine friends. Some of the videos on this channel are great at helping both sides (NTs and NDs) understand what's going on so they can improve communication. Remember that the people who are worth your time and effort will be the ones who are willing to hang in there with you through the difficulties. Sending you encouragement.
I find that normies (my term) seem to just avoid contact with me. I just can't seem to connect with them. It's only becoming worse as I get older. I have given up the whole idea of finding a romantic partner, I've been broken too often.. I conclude it's karmic, and therefor unfixable. It must have been part of the plan all along
Thats how i feel ad well. It dosent matter what approach i take. Many on the spectum dont care and l8ve their lives in their own interests, but others want a connection they cant seem to achieve. It stinks.@davidhill5684
I am at the spectrum. Two years ago I lost my partner from ten years, this week I lost my sister. Now being alone feels like hell. Just want to say your words make a LOT of sense to me right now. So thank you.
i also lostmy best friend fromc ancer all i have left is my african girlfriend precious chasowa in malawi thankfullyi know the maputo protocol andhow to use it i have to go tthe africanc ommission/court ofhuman and peoples rightsand give them a piece of their mind i spent time in extreme isolation i did a doublemajor in political sciene and human rightsin Canada so I know sand i learned how to defend and protect myself the various human rights commisisons and hte charter of rights and freedoms i survived it
There is one dating site called Spectrum Singles but it's strictly dating oriented and has the paywall for messaging (at least for me, maybe not for the women since many dating sites do that) and the "dating pool" per se is severely limited, plus they try that same bullshit of "we won't let you use your email for protection and privacy purposes in a message" meaning "we want your money for our messaging paywall therefore you aren't allowed to communicate freely." Other than that, I only ever found one site I forget its name, maybe WrongPlanet I think, but it turned out much like the facebook groups on the subject; full of sociopathic admins whom "controlled the narrative" on every topic for their own and their lackeys benefit and kicked out anyone whom dared disagree on much of anything. Unfortunately, the whole concept of "social media" has become so cancerous over the years it's made me long for the days of simple forums because you could have interesting conversations on topics like the nature of time that lasted years potentially even spanning beyond a decade, whereas nowadays most of what you see all the time are memes, cat videos, "here is my dinner and kids and they are amazing" posts and other drivel.
Yeah, this isn’t it. I would do nice things for people I liked but it always felt awkward. So I never did that much. My mom was always telling me not to bother people, so I didn’t. I tried to just be friendly. That really didn’t work either. People would seem to be friendly with me for a while and as soon as I started to relax a little they started avoiding me. So it’s clear that I’m not the kind of person people like to talk to. I have my family and I’m okay being alone. Once in a while I manage a conversation. I just don’t have the energy to try and read the minds of every person I meet. I’m tired.
People are very different,you just haven't found people that do appreciate you.It can be very hard to find friends who will like you when you relax a bit but being friends with autistic has really helped me,it may not help you but maybe just people who are non neuro typical in general since they are more likely to understand why your behavior is different.
Hmm perhaps, adult female friendships are different. I’ve paced it with new friendships, invited a friend over for coffee, I had not seen in a long time. I was polite, my house was clean, we seemed to have a good conversation. She said she would love to catch up with me again. All I did was msg her a few days later saying how nice it was to see her and we should catch up again soon, she never replied back. So I left it as didn’t want to be needy. Being needy has cost me friendships but being aloof also doesn’t seem to work 🤷♀️.
I’m sorry to hear that. As someone who just learned more in depth about what Autism is, I am emotional because I now feel it is my failing in not truly understanding several people in my life that I love but had trouble or distance with. Understanding autism really needs to be more highlighted in society.
But how can they get invested, if we never ask investments from them? If we don't, they don't know what or how much to invest in the relationship, they have no clue and they probably won't incest anything. It makes perfect sense now. The small favors we ask, are like little investments, that strengthen the relationship little by little.
Ha, my ex messaged me after 2 years, to do her taxes for free. After I trained her to work at my last job, and then she beat me up at work, and ever since I haven't been able to work in the entire industry or really go outside at all because she might beat me up again. But I totally owe her one with the taxes. I said I was too busy, I should have said die in a fire
I think the key that might be missing for me is the ability to identify which people are just naturally takers. I’m talking about people who are for whatever reason unable to give much in nearly all situations. I managed purely by chance to meet and marry a giver, and we do things for each other all the time. In times of great stress, he has never let me down! I believe this is rare in the world of relationships no matter how your brain works. But your advice in this video is spot on! Gentle testing will help identify people who can give as well as take.
The thing is - if you're a giver (it seems like a lot of people in the comments think that being a giver is the way to make friends) you're going to attract people who are takers. What you really need to do is befriend givers. People who speak your love language naturally. I learned this recently and it's already worked wonders. These people make an effort, and that's why I became friends with them vs befriending someone and then hoping they make the effort.
I'm in my 30s and still have no clue how to have a romantic relationship 🤔 I feel like you're supposed to say all the right things and act a specific way and it just confuses me like somehow i missed out on knowing all of this. A part of me wants a relationship but the other part of me just gets way too scared and overwhelmed
To be fair, this is exactly how I feel. I often think about seeking/pursuing a romantic relationship, but know I would probably not be able to handle all of the social pressures that come with it. I do experience a lot of loneliness, but the stress I feel when in a relationship is far greater. Also I have been alone for a long time so have the tools to deal with it. I had a relationship a couple of years ago. My girlfriend at the time, had absolutely loads of friends and wanted to go and see them all the time. I remember constantly meeting new people and being in high pressure social situations. Myself being very quiet at first, I would struggle to make conversations and form new relationships. This would inevitably result in all of her friends being standoffish towards me and then it felt impossible to repair with the social skill set I have.
@@Big_Old_Bondy social situations are the worst, especially with groups of people you don't know :( Its so hard to know when to talk and what to say. I still think its possible the right person for all of us is out there, who would understand our weirdness and accept us for who we are. But it seems too hard to do all the dating stuff with different people, trying so hard and dealing with people that aren't right for us. Too much hassle :) My relationship with my cat is sooooo much easier. :)
I have no idea either. I missed the entire memo on how to approach and proceed with a romantic relationship. I've watched guys hitting on girls, and girls hitting on guys... amid the most banal and boring small talk (that would make me cringe) and.... they'd end up together. Complete mystery to me. Utterly baffling.
I have been a hermit for about 7 years... got through 6 years in the army and a little civilian work after, but eventually couldn't take it. So many doctors and pills and people telling me I just needed to go outside and do yoga and try harder. Gave up a long time ago. Every attempt at reaching out for help seemed to end with people getting mad at me and assuming I was just lazy. Then one of your videos popped up in my recommended 6 months ago, and I realized what was wrong with me. I ran into issues not being believed at first, and nearly gave up again, but I managed to break through my own denial enough to finally describe what my life has been like in the kind of detail needed to really be understood. Last week I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder by a psychiatrist at age 32. Such a validating feeling. Thanks for that video that gave me the motivation to try reaching out again. My life might actually turn out to be worth living.
Your life is definitely worth living. Aspies are priceless, especially to other ASD folk. Just don't listen to NT advice and you can get what you need elsewhere
Believe in yourself, and be proud. People (mostly) don't understand. Who cares what they think anyway? Live your life as much as possible like you want it to be. Believe in you, miracles happen and all desires come true, you ve proved you are VERY STRONG nothing can touch you, u can handle it, because of ur strong bright soul.
Wow this has been really eye-opening. I’ve always been the people-pleaser (‘fully accepting’) giving everything but receiving very little. Risking rejection more regularly is a completely new concept to me (and I’m 53)! Thank you so much Paul 👍👍
This method is called the Ben Franklin Effect. I had to Google it, because I remember hearing that getting others do small favors for you makes people like you more. I also want to say thank you. Your videos have helped me understand my sons thought process a bit better.
I am just so bamboozled. I have been thinking that I am not doing enough for people and that’s why they just vanish when I need them. I need to ask more from people, even though it is super hard. Not like anything too much, just things they actually can help with without too much trouble. And to all of you here in the comment section who feel rejected or all alone; I hope from the bottom of my heart everything will turn out okay for you. Please remember that you deserve love and friendships and that you are not alone, even though it might feel like that. I certainly feel so bottomlessly lonely sometimes, and I hope that even one person reads this and maybe can feel like they are not so alone in this world :)
Yep, always there for others, others are rarely there for me. Such is life. I drive my family mad with my meltdowns but they are the ones to pick me up, I don't think a future partner would be able to
Yeah I had men calling me retarded growing up and women laughing about my looks. Don't want anything to do with them anymore. So glad I grew to 6'6 and they were afraid to physically hurt me.
My husband just told me he wants to separate. I feel so lost on what to do to strengthen this. It seems like everytime I try to get people to understand me, they run
It's a two way street; I'd suggest asking him to try couple's therapy first - they can help you more specifically - I can't tell if you're both working on it, but having difficulty finding the right way to do so, or if one is putting in all the work, since I do not know you. All the best!!
@@psychiccrocodile3679 Can this be part of the problem? Have you tried the reverse, to listen more to your own perspective/feelings/needs/ideas if your thoughts about him get inconclusive? After all, your thoughts always reflect your perspective, even your view of his perspective of you :D Stay healthy!
Honestly I’ve never thought of testing a relationship because I’ve thought that seemed inauthentic and manipulative. But to be really real that’s a really good idea, and it doesn’t even need to be in an inauthentic way because it’s not like there aren’t small things to ask for help with in your day to day that aren’t going to just destroy you if they turn you down if trey aren’t able to be there for you... (read: me haha). I think I will definitely try this, that’s a really solid idea! 💡 THANK YOU! 🙏
This just blew my mind. During my assessment last week I told them that I don't have friends because I get tired of doing all the work 🤦🏻♀️ Next time I'll test the relationship 😊
You see, I haven't formed strong relationships because I have yet to find someone that really interests me, but I still crave that connection. It was easier to ignore my loneliness before the covid, as I went out everyday to college and I was surrounded by a lot of people, with whom I had formed "relationships" but without being all that interested in them. Just like I was a tool for them, me being helpful all the time, somehow it feels like I was using them too? To make me feel less of a friendless loser. But now I feel lonely all the time. I see pictures of people I know enjoying time with their family, I read the messages on the group chats I'm in and how everyone gets along so well and compare it to how my messages get ignored. I am so lonely it's physically painful, and it gets harded at night when it's all calm and there's no sound so I'm alone with my thoughts. I can't even mantain an online friendship.
as always, youre on the nose. every friendship ive ever had i pour my whole glass into theirs and hardly get a drop back. when i complain that im dehydrated, im immediately treated like im too needy and annoying. its so exhausting. ive never had someone return my same energy. guess its time to stop overcompensating?
In those cases you eventually get tired of dealing with people all together and just wanna move to a little cabin in the woods far away from all civilization.
We also need to call people on their bs / dismissal. I think of it as training other people (and culling the die-hard jerks) to treat me the way I want. If I'm thirsty and ask for a drink and I get whining, I call them out on it. "Dude, it's just a glass of water. So please?" with some slightly heavy eye contact and a
@@BliffleSplick i agree with you that, idealistically, this is how those interactions should go. unfortunately thats never been my experience; every time i ask for a sip, my empty glass is slapped out of my hand.
@@lightinthedusk Possibly, but it could be that you're projecting based on your own bad relationship, assuming all Aspies / Autist are like this. We're not.
This way also sorts the people who genuinely care about you from the people who are just users. The greatest gift you can give yourself is a voice and being able to speak up for what you need.
This is brilliant! I am a speech & language therapist (pathologist is the equivalent in Australia and USA) and I have studies social communication and friendship in Autism. I haven’t come across anything so insightful or useful before. I feel you must be heaven-sent with your resources for people on the spectrum. It’s probably going to help a lot of people who are not as well: for many neuro-typicals relationships are instinctive and there is little understanding of why we do it or or why it breaks-down. Thankyou, you are doing brilliant work.
I soooooo can relate to this!! I genuinely for years believe that by being a good person to him, my then-partner would “learn” how to be a good person in return 🤦♀️little big info I was missing : he honestly did not care one bit about being a good person!!! He was being exactly who he wanted to be!
lil word of advice cos it might save you from real heartache...Never Ever enter into a relationship with anyone you feel "needs work" & lots of patience..cos..it aint happening..Go into relationships with people you are Already Friends with, that you can Accept As they Are. First..become friends..cos then..it has an actual Chance of Working :)
For me, relationship building is exactly that - building. I learn what they like, they learn what I like. I learn what they don’t like, they learn what I don’t like. For me, interactions I like solving problems. Tell me where you are? Here’s where I am. Where are we going from here? How are we going to get there? Takes time and patience to communicate four and five dimensional concepts (emotions) in a two dimensional manner (verbiage). Since no one is wrong, we’re just looking for solutions that are inclusive, it’s time consuming, but it’s rewarding.
I am neurotypical, and I met a man who has Asperger ( he has not been diagonized) 1 1/2 years ago. We have an romantic relationship and we really like eatch other but we don´t live together because we think that is best for the momenth. We are both 60 years "young" and we both have relationship behind us. I have learned so much by watching your videos, and we´ve also seen some together. I want to show him that iI understand and it helps me not to feel rejected or less loved. He says he never met anyone who has understood him as much as I do and therefore he can relax with me and be himself. I live in southern sweden so sorry if my english is not quite accurate ;)
I started suspecting I might be on the spectrum and within 3 days I have the answer to an issue that has plagued me for years and destroyed myself esteem. I feel like people were trying to tell me this, but I didn't understand before now.
OMG. Recently discovered and assessed for being autism as an adult. And this video is exactly like me and my life. Exactly! I didnt know other autistics go through the same thing.
As an older person officially undiagnosed being in the autism spectrum (self diagnosed by helpful RUclipsrs like you) I think many times the other person thinks WE are the “bye-bye” person and they look around thinking ‘where’d they go?’ because it is SOO energy draining to be there like a “bestie” should all day, every day, etc. So the other person who may be used to neuro-typical people as friends may think we are not really committed and then NOW we need them…what?! Yes I can be an extrovert and be social going to karaoke with friends then I have to stay home for like 3 weekends in a row because it exhausted me, I can see where the other people would have an attitude about me like I am the “gone girl” here today then MIA for a while. Perhaps they get feelings hurt that I am there only when it is ‘convenient’ for me. The key is talking and letting the neuro-typical peeps know what the deal is and open that door of communication??
How I feel as well. I think some of my friends think that I'm "ignoring them" as I have only answered their texts and ignored their last few phone calls. I feel like they are demanding of my time than I am of theirs which is fine. I think bringing up the Asperger's issue to my close friends and family may be what I do. In a sincere way. I believe a lot of unanswered questions on what people think of us will be looked at differently and possibly accepted. If they are not willing to understand us and the space and time we need for ourselves, then they may not be s good friend anyway. I liked the idea of asking close ones for small favors, as we do favors for them to strengthen the friendship. Then the next time I don't answer my phone for two days, they won't take it personal. This is why I love the idea of being transparent about my ASD condition, because in the end, even neurotypicals have personality disorders they know or don't know about. Having the real conversations are important.
I am the same. I can go out with friends on a Friday night and enjoy it but then I need weeks to recover and during those weeks I don’t beed(or want) much communication with them aside from occasional texts. This simply is not enough for most NTs as they want us to go out more often - they stop by our house unannounced(hell on earth) and just tend to not respect my social boundaries. the friendship ends
I always found that i tended to find friends when i helped people who were in a sort of crisis. I would be there for them and be the best friend i can be and then if i made any new friends i would introduce my friends to start to make a new group of friends. Every single time i did this within a few months i would find that this group of friends would leave me out more and more without any explanation until that new group would eventually cut me off. This happened 3 times and eventually i just accepted i was always just the guy who people turned to when they had nobody else and as soon as they had a less boring person to hang around with i got thrown to the curb. For the past few years i’ve just decided not to bother because i no longer want to deal with the pain of being ditched again. Therefore i have no friends anymore and although im incredibly lonely and depressed by this, its still better than the repeating cycle of rejection
I'm a pro at burning bridges. That's likely because of a lack of ability on my part to strengthen a relationship and it didn't seem salvageable. There have been times that I felt the other person was not loyal, but the relationship was not tested on smaller levels and strengthened. I've felt that sense of evaporation. You never want to make a huge risk in a relationship, and it isn't about putting in all the work yourself- great takeaways in this vid.
I feel like the only way I can create a relationship is to mask for a while, knowing inevitably it will end within a few weeks as the mask slips or a tire from it and shut down. The constant invisible barrier I have felt all my life between me and other, never able to form these emotional bonds that seem so normal to everyone else. My desire for a lot of alone time that keeps me on the peripheral of any friendship group I had. It makes any relationship I gain evaporate as you say.
I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and have watched a lot of your videos. I recently have come to realize that I am very likely on the Spectrum. Hearing from other Autistic people about their experiences has given me a lot of peace about mine & other's differences, and new tools to make my life better. Things are starting to make a lot more sense. Truly, Thank You so much.
Thank you , just today I was too stressed thinking about what could I make so someone would appreciate me and see the value in me , really tiring myself for not knowing what did I did wrong, or why some relationships failed, and putting all the work on me, when a relationships is based on two, and i shouldn't just work on trying to be perfect and likeable, and this is really great advice, really thank you Is a little bit silly to feel like crying but I NEEDED this right now
Might sound patronising and cynical, but to the robotic aspies (myself included) the world might seem like a sixth grader trying to connect with third graders while the other way of seeing it is probably as that of a loonie moron who analyses everything. It isn't easy being a cyborg in a world of biobabies.
I never realised how much I avoided relationships until I understood my past and current behaviours as autism and now I'm facing down this minefield I didn't know existed . This content helps . Thanks ☺️
In other words, I need to be braver by lettings people know how their behaviour is affecting me negatively. This is very good advice. I look forward to applying this technique gradually in all areas of my life. I know it will work because whenever I have done so in anger, people start treating me with respect, but this time I won't do it out of anger but as advice and co-operation to work together and build a better team together. It will help all parties.
Yes! I have always managed relationships best from a great distance. I grew up in isolation, which probably disguised my weirdness for a long time. Spent all my life from then until now (my 70s) feeling like a fish out of water. I have recently realised that moving to a different country with another language has been a way to fit in with not fitting in! I will always be the odd one out, yet I no longer care about that. Being myself has certainly reduced the number of people wanting to engage with me. I also understand that I learned how to deal with people through reading vast amounts of anything & everything I could find, much of which was incredibly unsuitable for somebody that age (I could read well very young) which led to some very bizarre behaviours and got me into a lot of trouble later on. Still recovering, and trying to reset!
It’s almost scary how this is like the story of my life when it comes to all my past relationships! Then after YEARS I wanted them to be more accommodating to me they told me I’m a freak who changed my personality and they left me! It happened twice one time after 7 years of friendship and one after 10 years of friendship. I never understood why!! I just had enough and said no and I was assertive just like I read in self help books! Now I know. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm not even autistic, and this was so helpful. I too find that I give too much in friendships and relationships, and find that they evaporate. I realised, watching this, that I never ask for ANYTHING, as I'm such a loner that I never ask for help.
I'm not on the spectrum, but I have dated someone who is. He was the kindest, thoughtful person I had the pleasure of getting to know. He over thought everything but I loved him immensely and genuinely thought he was the one for me. However, he kept "creating" problems that were not really there in order to distance himself from the relationship. Eventually, the relationship ended, 10 days after he spontaneously puts a red rose on my car to show me he loves me. I genuinely don't know how better a person I could have been. I felt he wanted the perfect person who doesn't exist because he was afraid of the rejection and hurt he might cause me. I believe he also had commitment phobia, fed by his anxiety.
Similar situation here. I ended up saying that we should just stay friends also because each time I was ready to take a step closer (he said he wanted a romantic relationship with me) he'd pull back which didn't make me feel safe in trying to steer things in a romantic direction. In addition he also has had difficulty letting go of his ex gf with whom he stayed in a fwb relationship for a while: a situation about which he was not transparent with me about when we first met so this brought about trust issues from the very beginning. He also made it clear, when I first met him, that he doesn't do commitment (another reason I decided we'd just stay friends). Despite these challenges over time I was willing to give him a chance but every time I try to take a step closer he'll retreat. I do consider myself a genuine and caring friend. However, from what I've observed over the years, it seems like the fear of abandonment, rejection and loss is so great that he self sabotages (as that feels safer). This makes any sort of emotional connection very difficult. I'm here and want to give affection, support and connection but don't know how to scale that impenetrable wall that he's built around himself. I realise that it's his self preservation kicking in but it's a tough one.
For those us out there, the interesting good news I found is that the world is moving to our direction...from social distancing, work at home, the biggest companies in the world are run by ppl like us, to all the AI and data stuff all to our advantage...
@@hspinnovators5516 I am old enough to remember a world without a computer in every home. I still don't really "get" tec stuff. I feel like I'm being dragged along, out of control into a world where every aspect of life is ruled by computers, and I don't like it.
This all sounds like "people pleaser" problems. It is realated to CPTSD. Look into "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." by Pete Walker and the work of Richard Grannon.
I personally experience a strong link between my autistic behavior, what stresses me out and how I was raised as a child. My parents would ignore 'bad' behavior and reward 'good' behavior. The thing is, is that bad behavior was often linked to something that was an emotional need that I couldnt express in a way others could understand. So a lot of things were ignored. My needs werent met and I dulled my senses, dulled my interaction with other people and basically became the number one target at school. When I was 14, the diagnose was given but even before then, my parents knew that I was different and they did their best to guide me. But now that I am 28, I am putting the pieces together on what it means. Since the lock down, I journal a lot. I meditate on a daily basis, do yoga and go out for walks. I watch youtube videos, receive a lot of coaching from work and I am finally learning on how to feel. On how to feel my own needs and how to communicate them. I guess I learned to talk to my parents only very recently. My dad got very angry. He got very angry at himself. How could we have failed you the way we did? It is hard to know what goes on in an autistic person. It requires patience. Time. Space. A stable environment. And just like I need to train my brain in order to do better, the same goes for them. And that's... alright I suppose.
I have really bad CPTSD. My so called kin set me up on false charges and let me sit in Jail, innocently, getting beaten, inject with drugs I'm allergic ti and all my human rights and dignity stripped. What little I had to start with . They have no remorse. These creatures are Demonic. Autistics are the chosen ones. The demons don't like our truth.
Paul, your videos have been quite literally saving my life. You’re the first person I’ve felt like I’ve actually looked up to. Thank you for what you do
I get it. I've struggled with how friendships work all my life, and I thought it was just because we moved all the time and I got isolated instead of well socialized, but now I think I really am neurodivergent and I'm exploring that. A thought as I was listening to this video: now and then I've had someone who just came on too strong, trying hard to "be a friend" by following a rule set like "do things for this person, bring them things" and all, and at my end it was overwhelming. They just needed to back off a little. If the rule set they're using is, "I'm doing all these things for you, now you do something for me," and I didn't WANT them to do the things in the first place -- well, at my end that just feels manipulative. Or like trying to buy my friendship. Or clingy. Or intrusive. The worst and most extreme was my abusive ex who'd say, "Hey, look, I did the dishes for you! Now you have to do this freaky thing in bed for me," and I'd be, "Whoa, wait, I never agreed to that."
I'll add that for me, friendships have worked best in small groups. I don't do well in noisy crowds, but I also feel so awkward in one-on-ones over tea. I'm not good at small talk, or even deep talk. In a small group, though, I can talk when I feel like it and be quiet and listen when I feel like it. I'm in a craft group and on a Dragon boat team, and between them and my job, I get to socialize in a way that works for me. The one-on-one "let's get coffee!" thing is still a mysterious ritual for me, but I don't worry about it so much any more.
I am 66, I just don't have the desire or energy anymore to push myself SO hard to try and get people to like me or want to be friends or have a relationship. I might be burnt out by now, or just too scared to keep doing it after a lifetime... Over 60 years... That's a long time
This video was so eye opening, thank you! I have operated with the idea that I'm self reliant and since I get drained easily when other people have a lot of demands from me, I try to do the opposite in my relationships. Even when there are little things I could use help with, I don't ask for help so I don't inconvenience anyone. I've always had the idea in my head that I'm positioning myself as someone who only asks for help when I really need it. (Thinking that would entice a friend to step up if I'm asking, "this must be serious if she's asking for help" kinda thing.) So many times this hasn't worked out, just like you explained in this video. This video is a real game changer, thank you for making it!
This was exactly my thought process too, i would hold off asking for help until I really truly needed it. And then the other person wouldn't help me and it would hurt more, because in my mind, "I so rarely ask for help so she must know that if I'm asking this one time, that automatically means it's a very serious situation and I really need the help. So she knows that and is rejecting me at my weakest. What an awful 'friend'."
Same honestly. I've given up on dating and except for one friend, who also highly suspects he's autistic, I've pretty much accepted that any other friendships I have will be short term friendships.
Same, but like me, i'm sure you're well aware that the giving up phase doesn't last forever. We'll dive right back into it again at some point, only to be damaged once again.
Thank you for mentioning to risk small rejections rather than taking on a large one. It is much too painful to swallow a large rejection in one go and endure all that pain. I agree any type of rejection is difficult; however, if the small risk of rejection results in progress in the relationship, it is worth it.
When Rafael Nadal was a small child, his trainer (his Uncle) made him play tennis with his left hand as well as his right. After years, it became second nature to Nadal. For a “giver” to learn how to have a reciprocal relationship would take years. It's foreign. But the rewards are worth it, many times over. A red letter day for me was when I realized how people who were always there for me, never said no, so anxious to please me ....well they were somewhat annoying. One day I was able to see myself through them. It was life changing
I have no patience for this. I’m so tired. Why can’t this be easy? Why can’t someone in real life understand? Why do I always have to start things? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so upset? I’ve learned to just not play ball the moment I see someone drop theirs, especially when we are in the initial stages. Im just not doing this one sided thing anymore. Either understand, be present, or leave. End of story.
A very, very difficult life lesson that we all learn at some point is this: people treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you. In other words, if you allow people to take advantage of your kindness, many will. Of course, if you're being kind to someone who never indicated that they wanted your kindness, you can't be upset when they don't return your kindness. (Nobody is obligated to be your friend or lover). But if anyone is pretending to be your friend or romantic partner, and they're always taking but rarely giving, they're not really your friend or your romantic partner. Set boundaries for the people in your life, and if they repeatedly violate your boundaries, you absolutely must find the self-confidence to leave them behind. Otherwise, the chances of your being taken advantage of are decent.
The tests alone are not enough. They need to have consequences (for you, not "punishment" for the other). Walking away in graduated way is one consequence. Not needing or enforcing "friendship" is necessary too.
"The Endless Chain Of Evaporating Relationships" long since given up. And. quite frankly, what you are suggesting is beyond me. I have no idea if people want me around, no idea if I am welcome ... so the only way to avoid imposing myself on others (because i will not 'get the hint'), is to only engage with people when they contact me. .... and that eventually stops. The sad thing is I have realized that i really do not get anything from other people. Others register the positive feedback from people when they see their expressions and understand their words, but i talk to people and maybe i see them smile, but I have little to no idea why they are smiling, so it means nothing. I recently had a couple of experiences with colleagues at work, that put it into perspective... Person A is from a county where they are really expressive, and there have been a few times where she has expressed something enough that it actually registered. A small thing, but she has waved hello like she was actually happy to see me ... and it was like if you are in a crowded room with many conversations and then you overhear someone say your name ... you get this 'tickle' of recognition in you brain as you name shines out of the din. Well, the wave was kind of like that .. i guess I had a puzzled look on my face... Is this what everyone else fells all the time? That you see the smile and the wave and it actually registers as 'I am actually happy to see you'. It is a bit weird but even the few instances where she expressed irritation with me, where i could actually 'see it', were very positive, relaxing experiences for me. This gets put into stark relief by having a three hour conversation with another colleague (Person B) about a shared love of music and hobbies. Three hours of discussion. including me reciting poetry, but at no point did I get any emotional feedback at all from her ... she was a complete blank slate. So i have been shown 'this is what you are missing', had it dangled in front of me, and shown absolutely clearly that i have no chance of seeing it ever again. I have given up trying to have friends, given p on trying to have a romantic relationship ... i just have no clue as i simply cannot see any emotional feedback. what makes it all the more galling is that I have spent years studying psychology and have solved the 'theory' of people, I just can't manage the practical reality. sorry for rambling on ... and thanks if you got this far.
I can really relate to what you are saying 👍 I have pretty much given up now, age 66. It's too complicated and I have studied for YEARS trying to get myself "sorted out"... It's just not happening and I guess I am saying now that I don't care anymore. Even people I have known 55+ years, 40, 20, even my brother...😓 I have been through too many traumatic experiences... I HAVE to mask even with my daughter, but I think the only people I can be myself is with my grandchildren. I have a couple female friends but I never get to see them anymore. I have had to adjust to feeling alone which is NOT hard for me because I prefer being alone.
I really appreciate your videos. I have had a small thought in the back of my mind about being on the spectrum for quite some time now. RUclips recommended your video “25 questions to ask yourself.....” and it hit home really hard. I want to pursue an official diagnosis but my executive functions are so poor I haven’t had insurance or a steady job in years which is making that task very difficult. But, I wanted to express gratitude to you for being a voice for the many of us wondering “what is wrong” with me. It’s really awesome knowing there isn’t anything “wrong” we’re just different.
My two cents: it's very easy for me to have people trying to get into my life when they don't interest me at all. I think that not being interested removes all the anxiety you have about your behavior and your desire for the relationship. I still have this problem today. What for should I have people in my life that don't interest me? Well, they are very helpful and also very boring. On the other hand, I never managed to have any one in my life that I really like. I don't think your recipe applies to my case. Doing things for other people is useless in terms of relationship. They have to like you or be attracted to you in some way before hand. Otherwise you will become a kind of a tool to them that they use when they need.
Sometimes. I’ve had that happen to such an extreme that I had nothing left to give; I pull back if I feel either that I’m taking advantage or that there are strings attached to the gifts until I’m healed enough not to become someone I wouldn’t wish to have healed had I known I’d become. I probably hurt myself by not asking those for whom I know there are no strings. I call it growth; though I sometimes think my cycle of reflection/action has some unusual rhythms, though these seem common among those whose company I enjoy most. Many are quite substantive individuals. P.S. Not being interested doesn’t even come close to removing my anxiety. I don’t blot others out just because I don’t want anything from them; though maybe I should... Hrrrrm...
you have very low self esteem , so anyone who shows positive affection to you ( how worthless should they be to waste their time with you )authomatically becomes boring in your eyes. You desire to attract someone above you in your hierarchic mind, but they have to lower themselves to see and show some interest towards to you and that will authomatically loose their value in your eyes. Plase dont think I am boring because of my replay, trust me I will not read anything from you in case write back.
@@telliturna4998 Maybe I have a very high self esteem and can see people for the POS they are. You are a troll and probably you're talking about yourself.
was dating a man with Asperger for 4 months (last weeks we started to see each other two days per week) until I asked him if he was available the next day and I offered to bring him some food. His answer was: I don't like to see people so often and I'm not ready for a relationship. I was shocked and now I'm so sad! I really don't get it, mostly because he was the one who often wrote me to see each other and said to me that he liked to spend time with me. I know that for Asperger's people expressing feeling are complicated. But I have problems to understand the suddenly change. P.S. I excuse for my English, my first language is Spanish.
Ya me imagino tu desconcierto. Al principio se piensa que todo obedece quizás a diferencias culturales, pero al cabo de un tiempo y experiencias se cae en cuenta de que esa persona cercana o especial en realidad es distinta o muy peculiar por otras causas.
Thanks for such an interesting video! I was diagnosed with autism last year and it's great to know myself more. I like your videos a lot. I think that a lot of people who is not autistic is having this problem too nowadays.
I am receiving counseling right now and he say this happens to everyone, I feel like I'm talking to a wall despite him having a degree I want to scream.I have 36 on the aspie test from Cohen I took the test on line and told him about it , they say I'm just ADHD.
Shop around for the right counsellor it usually takes a few times. That’s not good if the counsellor dismisses your perspective, they may have tried to normalise it as a general issue that applies to everyone, but the delivery of this message created that wall. You’ve got options
Yep But when you're so smart you can mask it, they can't know. They don't know how you think or feel, only you do. I know the frustration. I've accepted I will probably be self-diagnosed my whole life and slip through the cracks
I’m having a hard time with the transition of my boyfriend leaving. Then the separation anxiety is so bad to the point I’m thinking about ending it. I don’t connect over text messages. It’s uncomfortable being in a relationship. When physically together, I can express much better & we are fine but apart the texting and separation is literally too much.
Thank you for sharing. You have summed up my failed marriage in this matter - I was also a child of a narcissistic mother, who I tried to please all the time... I brought that behaviour into the marriage, along with occasional rages. ☹
I am an introvert. I have a friend with highfunctioning autism. He is Lonely and Impatient. These traits stand out glaringly. It is a huge turnoff for friendship or dating when one person is constantly asking to talk and hang out. My social needs are less than most people and that adds another level to the issue. I desire to spend a couple of hours one day a week with friends but I don't have a way to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. The Impatience leads to a lot of rudeness. I get asked what I was doing in the bathroom (I was doing what everyone else does in the bathroom), why I stopped walking (to tie my shoe), why I didn't answer the phone (I was doing something) and many other rude questions that can be linked to the Impatience trait of the condition.
This is my life. But also I did speak up when I was hurt by them and told them that I felt ignored. They acted like I was attacking them and continued to ignore me. 😔
I always endeavoured to be the most supportive and trustworthy friend ever! Asking for anything in return never came naturally and holding other people accountable always seemed to have negative consequences, and represented a danger to be avoided. My parents taught me you can’t rely on anyone for anything, if you want something done properly do it yourself. The underlying belief that everyone lets you down sooner or later just made me want to circumvent trusting or relying on people to the highest degree possible.
Ten years ago, at the age of 61, I experienced autistic burnout. I was sick with gastritis. I couldn't work. I came to the end of my savings. I went to live with my younger sister, in another city, ...at her invite. I was hoping to recover from burnout and then go on with my life. Unfortunately, my sister quickly became resentful of my being with her and physically and emotionally abused me. I was all alone in an unfamiliar city. God was with me. I had trust issues before.....now I don't have the capacity to trust anyone....God alone.
Your insight is changing my life! Your words are unique! Now I'm telling myself that I should risk rejections to build a relationship. I repeat with myself each day ''a tiny risk of rejection, a tiny chance of making it stronger'' ''and it makes me ready gradually to leave the relationship if it stays weak''. And this formula is working! and besides, I'm feeling a lot better in my relationships! I'm feeling more valued. Thank you so so much! I needed your advice. I have had a long history of being too nice in relationships and always mistakenly hoping that one day it will work.
Hey man thank u so much for this advice I've dealt with this issue all my life, friends "disappearing" when I need them most and its helpful to know that I've been going about my relationships the wrong way. Not only is it draining to alway be the one who helps and never needs help but but in the end its always ended up with me needing something and not receiving the help I need sending me into an even darker pit so again thank you for helping me realize and keep up the great work man love the channel
wow, it's like he's referring to my life exactly. I've just got done trying hard to be the best friend I know how to be. everything after around the 6-minute mark is what I've needed to move to a better place.
i see what you're saying about pulling on a muscle. I definitely have pulled too much muscles back in the day. and it has caused me not to pull at all for years longer. Thanks for the video. it has helped so much.
I feel like when people approach me (because of course i’m too scared to approach others) they talk to me and realize i’m not as good as they thought i was and so they leave me. It’s like i scare everyone away. The people who do keep talking to me treat me badly. I attract the wrong people and ward off the nice people.
I wonder if this is how my friends feel. My best friend in HS that I'm still friends with is autistic (really two friends I'm still with since HS have autism just one male one female). We clicked and went full throttle friendship when we were young and typically drop off the radar together when we get together now. Very intense. But I don't mind since I hyperfocus with my ADD. I don't know that we constantly test our relationship but we do take breaks? Like, months on months off sort of cyclically. Maybe my relationship with both friends are so long lasting (15ish years) because they are more like siblings in my eyes.
The problem for me often when building relationships with non autistics is this:
Twice the effort, half the result.
You're very lucky then. For me it's rather like 10 times the effort 1/10th the result. :)
@Riksten Well, generally this is only true for women in romantic relationships, according to my experience.
Yup
@@csabascs5913 yup!
I have to have less expectation of people and just enjoy them as humans. We are all humans, none of us our perfect but all of us have something to offer!
I am actually afraid of relationships now, even friendships because of my being hurt all my life.
His New Life yeah, I go back and forth. I will spend even a year just not trusting people and being my fake self 100% of interactions. Then I meet somebody I think I can be real with... and stupidly let it all go :(
It’s like I’m still on the search for someone who can handle the real me. Not satisfied with just being fake to keep people around. Ready to fail again when strong enough haha or far enough away from the previous disappointment. I feel like I need to get it tattoo’d by this point.lll DO NOT BE YOURSELF
I don’t care what the world preaches... you can tell a basic b* to be themselves coz they’re just like everyone else and will be mostly liked for it. We cannot take this same advice.
Love yourself first and people will follow...
Yes^^^^ fear of relationships!!!! I will definitely be hurt. So no more.
Soooo true!
I get that. I'm in a similar boat, but I am glad to see that you know "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother". :)
I hope you get some friends, bud.
P.S. There are clubs, groups, and organizations for autism, college students, christians, artists, musicians, basket Weaver's, athletes, writers, etc.
P.S.S. I made some good friends this last year by going to a small church that has a lot of fellowship time. It was scary at first, but everyone was really nice and accepting. And guess what? The first person I met there has Asperger's too! And he greeted me in the first 2 minutes of walking in.
Lol ouch.. "how do I make friends? I know! I'll be a good friend!" This rings so true in my experience. I ended up just accepting that I'm the type of friend that shows up when someone needs me, and "I" disappear when I'm no longer needed.
This is so relatable for me. I disappear or withdraw when I feel like I have no input in a relationship because I’m afraid I will be seen as worthless if I have nothing to give. Luckily my friends are understanding and allow me to have space to “work on myself”. I made sure to tell them that it’s something I’m going through before I block them out because I don’t want them to feel like they’re to blame.
ditto
This is way to relatable.
Yo that’s me. Turns out I’m only a tool so too bad. :(
I learned as a child that my needs were too much, so I tend to pull back when I’m in shutdown mode. I don’t want to burden people but it makes it hard to maintain relationships because I am MIA so frequently.
Yes!!! This was my experience too. I was always told that I was too much. Too intense. Too emotional. I was told I expect too much from people. So I’m terrified of bothering people.
I can identify with this too
Finally my people! I work in healthcare so my clients have also become some of my closest friends. It's easier for them to understand when I'm not there it's my time and for me to have a good reason to have a set schedule that benefits everybody.
My life so far is summed up here.
I feel this
I understand completely
I think a lot of us are taught to sacrifice and be selfless so we think we shouldn't ask for reciprocity. But we need to remember it''s ok to ask for it.
True!
Mia Mantri when I find myself in these situations now, I make it clear that friendship is a two way street. If they’re not going to reciprocate, i make the decision to walk away. I think the key is understanding you deserve to be respected and supported as much as the next person. My life has improved greatly since.
Yes, and if you never ask for anything, to a NT it seems like you don't want to be close friends. And then suddenly there's a huge request, which is startling, because that's only something that a close friend would ask, and this whole time the NT has been getting the message "we're friends, but not close friends". Because asking for something is showing vulnerability, need for the other person, personality, and that's endearing and relationship-strengthening.(bit by bit, not all at once) The muscle analogy is so good!
@@marmadukescarlet7791 Amen to that sister...my life has improved greatly since as well. Good on us!!
"remember it"s okay" actually you need to "learn it's vital" and set boundaries. When my efforts to make friends didn't work, I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I saw others who behaved selfishly yet still made friends and I was so confused and exhausted trying to understand it all.
"It seems like I'm surrounded...but as soon as I would reach out they would disappear." Damn... felt that
I felt so much rejection in my school years that in my adult years when I see aprooval I spend a lot of time to convince myself that it isn't a trap.
I usually can't believe that anybody would not be ill intended, or at least strictly utilitarian, or indifferent, towards me, as I have so seldom experience such behaviours in my lifetime.
It is or will turn into a trap.
Omg this. I see approval as a trap or ill-intentioned
I've never asked a friend or family member besides my parents for anything in my entire life. Now that i think about it. Not even for someone to pass a bag of chips so I can have some. I never borrow anything or ask for favors. I never complain to people and accept them for who they are. This actually makes a lot of sense now. They just get used to it and don't even think I might need help.
Yep! Same Here.
My life.
If im working by myself and need help, I'll design a contraption to help me do it alone before I'll ask for help.
I feel like I'm bothering someone if I ask for help. But I will gladly help someone else do literally anything and it doesn't bother me... I'm actually happy someone needed my help.
Same same
@Dill Bill Are you… actually me?! 😂🤔
People avoid me when they realize I can see NT manipulation techniques and logical fallacies as if they had a blinking red arrow pointing at them. When I point out what they are doing it makes them mad. I realized a while ago that most normal people don’t even realize they’re being manipulative or that they’re using lies to get what they want. The more I care about a person the more likely I am to point out when they’re being deceitful, if they are low self-esteem they go away.
The friends that stick around are the ones who are secure enough to tell the truth. I’d rather have five really good friends than dozens of manipulators.
NTs *HATE* being called out and will react unexpectedly. Learned this the hard way :(
Yes, they're lying to themselves on a daily basis.
My experience:
A close friend in my elementary school years evaporated when we both went to high school. It was as if a switch flipped in his head at age 13 and mine did not.
A close friendship in early years of high school evaporated in senior years and despite attending the same college we never spoke.
A close friendship that I had for three years in college evaporated in the final year. Three years of daily friendship, shared notes, shared projects, shared interests...... gone. The final year we acted as if we barely knew each other. I was practically ghosted.
The worst of all. A friendship from high school which lasted 20 years. The brother I never had. My best man if I should ever need one. A fellow lost soul who also was never comfortable in the world. That same switch flipped. I was surplus to requirements. Ghosted.
I envy people who skip through life oblivious to this kind of life experience.
I can empathize with you. I’ve had many close friendships evaporate as well. It’s really heartbreaking, but all I can do is resign myself to the lessons I’ve learned along the way and move forward.
I read that you had friendship's that lasted 20 years.. great man!
The truth is- this happens to everyone
@@lisagfrerer9429 that a thing is common does not make the reactions thereto verbatim
I feel you there. I currently share a house with a friend I’ve known for almost 15 years now, a friend I’ve down more for than anyone should reasonably expect, who I’ve made personal sacrifices for and given up happiness for, and in the last 8 or 10 months he started sneaking out of the house so he doesn’t have to invite me to hang out with mutual friends.
Said Mutual friends are indeed friends, they’re some of the only people to actually text me first, want me to be included as an adopted Uncle to their toddler, and so on, so its not them. Its my roommate and supposed best friend of 15 years. When I confronted him about it he basically blamed me, said that I “never participate” and “never want to go anywhere.” (Both lies)
Prioritising yourself isn't the same as being selfish. If you need to work on you, then you _need_ to work on you
World doesn't work like that. Its not all about you. Alot of that teeters on narcissism...heavily
What?
@@scragjonezv4843 Not even a little bit wtf?
@@scragjonezv4843 bullcrap. & Don't be so Nasty. Narcs self actualize in a Much Different way than working on themselves...Truth is they Don't work on Themselves..they work on Others..i was Raised by 0ne & married a few so..i know em inside out pretty well.....
Yes..but, i get where he's at..it can Feel selfish since we spend so much time trying to interact with others..taking time out just to interact with ourselves feels a little..alien..lol..but..You are So Right, if we Need to, we have Every Right to, & Really Should.
I find reading recovery material and books on codependency and boundaries help with this issue a lot. I also have learned to treat friends like cats; let them come to you, then pet.
🤣😂🥳
I agree!!
Boundaries! ❤️
I got a feeling this video is gonna be the words I've needed to hear for a while now
Yip. He nails them all doesn't he?
@@modbopbeatrewind3283 sure does...
Why don’t you watch the video THEN comment?
@@t-man5196 this being posted *a year ago* aside, at the time i commented it was listed as a premiering within 24 hours, so I couldn't have watched the video because it wasn't out yet.
@@porridgeramen7220 that explains it
While "rejection is the story of my life" massively hit home with me, this video doesn't. Nothing against this video, i'm very glad it's here for those who need it. The problem i run into that causes my rejection cycle isn't the same one; i never even get to any relationship to test. Whenever i reach out to someone, want to make an appointment for something to get to know them, want to connect in some way, i just....get no response. Calls don't get returned, appointments not made, conversations aren't reprochiated, single events don't get followed up on. Doesn't seem to matter how much i try, or what angle i take, i get no response or connection from the other side to build anything. The whole school of fish metaphore in the first stages of contact and connection.
Finding a community of some sort?
I guess the initial move of "being a good friend" to make people like you is not as bad, as it sounds here. I did this at first and I experienced the same frustration, BUT I learned how to please people and make out their needs. Now that I am able to do this and able to give them not too little and not too much (which demands incredible focus :-D ), I can move on to the next task. Now I can learn to ask for my needs. Not too much at a time, but regularly a little bit, always balancing, always focused.
In those few sentences, it looks easy...but it was a 15 year journey of making it my special interest and making very slow progress. So don't be dishearted. Congratulate yourself on every single event. Even getting a smile from a stranger. And than slowly raise the bar.
I'm NT and this has been the story of my life too. Difficulty making real friends not just superficial fair weather ones. I've heard that true friendship is rare and the average person can count themselves lucky if we have one or two genuine friends. If you also have a condition that interferes with your ability to socially engage then it's going to be even more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say that it's a reality of life that sucks. One of the people who I consider a genuine friend is on the spectrum. Atm he's withdrawn. I know this is normal for him but he's been MIA for longer than usual and I'm worried. True friends are difficult to come by and I treasure mine and do whatever I can to keep them close. I hope over time you'll find some genuine friends. Some of the videos on this channel are great at helping both sides (NTs and NDs) understand what's going on so they can improve communication. Remember that the people who are worth your time and effort will be the ones who are willing to hang in there with you through the difficulties. Sending you encouragement.
I find that normies (my term) seem to just avoid contact with me. I just can't seem to connect with them. It's only becoming worse as I get older.
I have given up the whole idea of finding a romantic partner, I've been broken too often..
I conclude it's karmic, and therefor unfixable. It must have been part of the plan all along
Thats how i feel ad well. It dosent matter what approach i take. Many on the spectum dont care and l8ve their lives in their own interests, but others want a connection they cant seem to achieve. It stinks.@davidhill5684
I am at the spectrum. Two years ago I lost my partner from ten years, this week I lost my sister. Now being alone feels like hell. Just want to say your words make a LOT of sense to me right now. So thank you.
That’s very sad, bless you that’s a lot to deal with! Hope you are finding a way through it
Two years later i just read your comment and hope you are ok.
@@katieayoub7842 Two years later I´m keep going, thanks! :)
i also lostmy best friend fromc ancer all i have left is my african girlfriend precious chasowa in malawi thankfullyi know the maputo protocol andhow to use it i have to go tthe africanc ommission/court ofhuman and peoples rightsand give them a piece of their mind i spent time in extreme isolation i did a doublemajor in political sciene and human rightsin Canada so I know sand i learned how to defend and protect myself the various human rights commisisons and hte charter of rights and freedoms i survived it
I wish we had an Aspie social media platform with only Aspies.
Oh that sounds like an amazing idea
There is one dating site called Spectrum Singles but it's strictly dating oriented and has the paywall for messaging (at least for me, maybe not for the women since many dating sites do that) and the "dating pool" per se is severely limited, plus they try that same bullshit of "we won't let you use your email for protection and privacy purposes in a message" meaning "we want your money for our messaging paywall therefore you aren't allowed to communicate freely." Other than that, I only ever found one site I forget its name, maybe WrongPlanet I think, but it turned out much like the facebook groups on the subject; full of sociopathic admins whom "controlled the narrative" on every topic for their own and their lackeys benefit and kicked out anyone whom dared disagree on much of anything. Unfortunately, the whole concept of "social media" has become so cancerous over the years it's made me long for the days of simple forums because you could have interesting conversations on topics like the nature of time that lasted years potentially even spanning beyond a decade, whereas nowadays most of what you see all the time are memes, cat videos, "here is my dinner and kids and they are amazing" posts and other drivel.
It would.be instantly infiltrated with Trolls and hurtful monsters.
@MrTheoryofEverything hahahaha
Aspiebook lol
Yeah, this isn’t it. I would do nice things for people I liked but it always felt awkward. So I never did that much. My mom was always telling me not to bother people, so I didn’t. I tried to just be friendly. That really didn’t work either. People would seem to be friendly with me for a while and as soon as I started to relax a little they started avoiding me. So it’s clear that I’m not the kind of person people like to talk to. I have my family and I’m okay being alone. Once in a while I manage a conversation. I just don’t have the energy to try and read the minds of every person I meet. I’m tired.
Get your energy from God! He fortifies.... fulfilling relationships are not just romantic.....
People are very different,you just haven't found people that do appreciate you.It can be very hard to find friends who will like you when you relax a bit but being friends with autistic has really helped me,it may not help you but maybe just people who are non neuro typical in general since they are more likely to understand why your behavior is different.
A few really good friends and a relationship with God keeps one from seeming needy and easier to keep from taking things personally.
Jesus loves you 😊
@@lisasykes624 amen 😊
@@anonanon2624which honestly is the sad part
I have accepted to be alone, got rid all of the expectations/relationship needs and now I am super happy
Amen, I hope you don’t let your guards down
Hmm perhaps, adult female friendships are different. I’ve paced it with new friendships, invited a friend over for coffee, I had not seen in a long time. I was polite, my house was clean, we seemed to have a good conversation. She said she would love to catch up with me again. All I did was msg her a few days later saying how nice it was to see her and we should catch up again soon, she never replied back. So I left it as didn’t want to be needy. Being needy has cost me friendships but being aloof also doesn’t seem to work 🤷♀️.
Indeed, whatever you do you can't win
I’m sorry to hear that. As someone who just learned more in depth about what Autism is, I am emotional because I now feel it is my failing in not truly understanding several people in my life that I love but had trouble or distance with. Understanding autism really needs to be more highlighted in society.
It's ok to let them move on. Some people need space (like us!) Then come back later
I think the truth is, they were never that invested throughout us.
We had maybe a few things entertaining them and when that goes they go
Blake Place they need us to help them with their homework
Sad but very often true
But how can they get invested, if we never ask investments from them?
If we don't, they don't know what or how much to invest in the relationship, they have no clue and they probably won't incest anything.
It makes perfect sense now.
The small favors we ask, are like little investments, that strengthen the relationship little by little.
Ha, my ex messaged me after 2 years, to do her taxes for free. After I trained her to work at my last job, and then she beat me up at work, and ever since I haven't been able to work in the entire industry or really go outside at all because she might beat me up again. But I totally owe her one with the taxes. I said I was too busy, I should have said die in a fire
This is such a sad thought and occasionally may be true, unfortunately. Thank you for sharing
I think the key that might be missing for me is the ability to identify which people are just naturally takers. I’m talking about people who are for whatever reason unable to give much in nearly all situations. I managed purely by chance to meet and marry a giver, and we do things for each other all the time. In times of great stress, he has never let me down! I believe this is rare in the world of relationships no matter how your brain works. But your advice in this video is spot on! Gentle testing will help identify people who can give as well as take.
The thing is - if you're a giver (it seems like a lot of people in the comments think that being a giver is the way to make friends) you're going to attract people who are takers. What you really need to do is befriend givers. People who speak your love language naturally. I learned this recently and it's already worked wonders. These people make an effort, and that's why I became friends with them vs befriending someone and then hoping they make the effort.
I'm in my 30s and still have no clue how to have a romantic relationship 🤔 I feel like you're supposed to say all the right things and act a specific way and it just confuses me like somehow i missed out on knowing all of this. A part of me wants a relationship but the other part of me just gets way too scared and overwhelmed
To be fair, this is exactly how I feel. I often think about seeking/pursuing a romantic relationship, but know I would probably not be able to handle all of the social pressures that come with it. I do experience a lot of loneliness, but the stress I feel when in a relationship is far greater. Also I have been alone for a long time so have the tools to deal with it.
I had a relationship a couple of years ago. My girlfriend at the time, had absolutely loads of friends and wanted to go and see them all the time. I remember constantly meeting new people and being in high pressure social situations. Myself being very quiet at first, I would struggle to make conversations and form new relationships. This would inevitably result in all of her friends being standoffish towards me and then it felt impossible to repair with the social skill set I have.
@@Big_Old_Bondy social situations are the worst, especially with groups of people you don't know :( Its so hard to know when to talk and what to say. I still think its possible the right person for all of us is out there, who would understand our weirdness and accept us for who we are. But it seems too hard to do all the dating stuff with different people, trying so hard and dealing with people that aren't right for us. Too much hassle :)
My relationship with my cat is sooooo much easier. :)
I have no idea either. I missed the entire memo on how to approach and proceed with a romantic relationship.
I've watched guys hitting on girls, and girls hitting on guys... amid the most banal and boring small talk (that would make me cringe) and.... they'd end up together. Complete mystery to me. Utterly baffling.
@@belvederebaileycambodia Attraction is about chemistry and complementing energy interaction.
@@lilac9240 we aren't talking about attraction...we are talking about how to proceed AFTER one becomes aware of the attraction.
I have been a hermit for about 7 years... got through 6 years in the army and a little civilian work after, but eventually couldn't take it. So many doctors and pills and people telling me I just needed to go outside and do yoga and try harder. Gave up a long time ago. Every attempt at reaching out for help seemed to end with people getting mad at me and assuming I was just lazy. Then one of your videos popped up in my recommended 6 months ago, and I realized what was wrong with me. I ran into issues not being believed at first, and nearly gave up again, but I managed to break through my own denial enough to finally describe what my life has been like in the kind of detail needed to really be understood. Last week I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder by a psychiatrist at age 32. Such a validating feeling. Thanks for that video that gave me the motivation to try reaching out again. My life might actually turn out to be worth living.
Your life is definitely worth living. Aspies are priceless, especially to other ASD folk. Just don't listen to NT advice and you can get what you need elsewhere
Believe in yourself, and be proud. People (mostly) don't understand. Who cares what they think anyway? Live your life as much as possible like you want it to be. Believe in you, miracles happen and all desires come true, you ve proved you are VERY STRONG nothing can touch you, u can handle it, because of ur strong bright soul.
I feel you fam
Wow this has been really eye-opening. I’ve always been the people-pleaser (‘fully accepting’) giving everything but receiving very little. Risking rejection more regularly is a completely new concept to me (and I’m 53)! Thank you so much Paul 👍👍
All this friendship stuff is still completely incomprehensible to me, yet I constantly feel a need to have friends. Strange.
It's your goblin brain fighting with your lizard brain.
No one's ever explained this to me. Thank you for making this video.
This method is called the Ben Franklin Effect.
I had to Google it, because I remember hearing that getting others do small favors for you makes people like you more.
I also want to say thank you. Your videos have helped me understand my sons thought process a bit better.
Has the opposite effect on me I don’t want to do favours for anyone
I am just so bamboozled. I have been thinking that I am not doing enough for people and that’s why they just vanish when I need them. I need to ask more from people, even though it is super hard. Not like anything too much, just things they actually can help with without too much trouble.
And to all of you here in the comment section who feel rejected or all alone; I hope from the bottom of my heart everything will turn out okay for you. Please remember that you deserve love and friendships and that you are not alone, even though it might feel like that. I certainly feel so bottomlessly lonely sometimes, and I hope that even one person reads this and maybe can feel like they are not so alone in this world :)
Yep, always there for others, others are rarely there for me. Such is life. I drive my family mad with my meltdowns but they are the ones to pick me up, I don't think a future partner would be able to
Thank you ❤
❤
Thank you so much❤
Yes, it sounds just like my life. I am so lonely it hurts.
Still try to communicate with people. Don't give up. There's somebody for everybody
Im trying to figure out if theres a community or a group somewhere
Yeah I had men calling me retarded growing up and women laughing about my looks. Don't want anything to do with them anymore. So glad I grew to 6'6 and they were afraid to physically hurt me.
I cried instantly when you said, there will be bothering for me to grab on to. There's no support when i needed them.
My husband just told me he wants to separate. I feel so lost on what to do to strengthen this. It seems like everytime I try to get people to understand me, they run
damn... sorry to hear your husband is looking to separate. that's tough.
@@dings215 thanks man. I'm trying to figure out how to see his perspective of me, but it just doesn't make sense to me.
It's a two way street; I'd suggest asking him to try couple's therapy first - they can help you more specifically - I can't tell if you're both working on it, but having difficulty finding the right way to do so, or if one is putting in all the work, since I do not know you. All the best!!
Sorry, I hope you can work it out.
@@psychiccrocodile3679 Can this be part of the problem? Have you tried the reverse, to listen more to your own perspective/feelings/needs/ideas if your thoughts about him get inconclusive? After all, your thoughts always reflect your perspective, even your view of his perspective of you :D
Stay healthy!
Honestly I’ve never thought of testing a relationship because I’ve thought that seemed inauthentic and manipulative. But to be really real that’s a really good idea, and it doesn’t even need to be in an inauthentic way because it’s not like there aren’t small things to ask for help with in your day to day that aren’t going to just destroy you if they turn you down if trey aren’t able to be there for you... (read: me haha). I think I will definitely try this, that’s a really solid idea! 💡 THANK YOU! 🙏
story of my life, easy to make friends, difficult to keep them
This just blew my mind. During my assessment last week I told them that I don't have friends because I get tired of doing all the work 🤦🏻♀️ Next time I'll test the relationship 😊
You see, I haven't formed strong relationships because I have yet to find someone that really interests me, but I still crave that connection. It was easier to ignore my loneliness before the covid, as I went out everyday to college and I was surrounded by a lot of people, with whom I had formed "relationships" but without being all that interested in them. Just like I was a tool for them, me being helpful all the time, somehow it feels like I was using them too? To make me feel less of a friendless loser.
But now I feel lonely all the time. I see pictures of people I know enjoying time with their family, I read the messages on the group chats I'm in and how everyone gets along so well and compare it to how my messages get ignored.
I am so lonely it's physically painful, and it gets harded at night when it's all calm and there's no sound so I'm alone with my thoughts. I can't even mantain an online friendship.
as always, youre on the nose. every friendship ive ever had i pour my whole glass into theirs and hardly get a drop back. when i complain that im dehydrated, im immediately treated like im too needy and annoying. its so exhausting. ive never had someone return my same energy. guess its time to stop overcompensating?
In those cases you eventually get tired of dealing with people all together and just wanna move to a little cabin in the woods far away from all civilization.
We also need to call people on their bs / dismissal. I think of it as training other people (and culling the die-hard jerks) to treat me the way I want.
If I'm thirsty and ask for a drink and I get whining, I call them out on it. "Dude, it's just a glass of water. So please?" with some slightly heavy eye contact and a
@@BliffleSplick i agree with you that, idealistically, this is how those interactions should go. unfortunately thats never been my experience; every time i ask for a sip, my empty glass is slapped out of my hand.
@@BliffleSplick I can't get medicine on my deathbed from the morons that created me.
@@lightinthedusk Possibly, but it could be that you're projecting based on your own bad relationship, assuming all Aspies / Autist are like this. We're not.
This way also sorts the people who genuinely care about you from the people who are just users. The greatest gift you can give yourself is a voice and being able to speak up for what you need.
This is brilliant! I am a speech & language therapist (pathologist is the equivalent in Australia and USA) and I have studies social communication and friendship in Autism. I haven’t come across anything so insightful or useful before. I feel you must be heaven-sent with your resources for people on the spectrum. It’s probably going to help a lot of people who are not as well: for many neuro-typicals relationships are instinctive and there is little understanding of why we do it or or why it breaks-down. Thankyou, you are doing brilliant work.
I soooooo can relate to this!! I genuinely for years believe that by being a good person to him, my then-partner would “learn” how to be a good person in return 🤦♀️little big info I was missing : he honestly did not care one bit about being a good person!!! He was being exactly who he wanted to be!
lil word of advice cos it might save you from real heartache...Never Ever enter into a relationship with anyone you feel "needs work" & lots of patience..cos..it aint happening..Go into relationships with people you are Already Friends with, that you can Accept As they Are. First..become friends..cos then..it has an actual Chance of Working :)
For me, relationship building is exactly that - building. I learn what they like, they learn what I like. I learn what they don’t like, they learn what I don’t like. For me, interactions I like solving problems. Tell me where you are? Here’s where I am. Where are we going from here? How are we going to get there?
Takes time and patience to communicate four and five dimensional concepts (emotions) in a two dimensional manner (verbiage).
Since no one is wrong, we’re just looking for solutions that are inclusive, it’s time consuming, but it’s rewarding.
I am neurotypical, and I met a man who has Asperger ( he has not been diagonized) 1 1/2 years ago. We have an romantic relationship and we really like eatch other but we don´t live together because we think that is best for the momenth. We are both 60 years "young" and we both have relationship behind us. I have learned so much by watching your videos, and we´ve also seen some together. I want to show him that iI understand and it helps me not to feel rejected or less loved. He says he never met anyone who has understood him as much as I do and therefore he can relax with me and be himself. I live in southern sweden so sorry if my english is not quite accurate ;)
that is so nice I hope it works out
I started suspecting I might be on the spectrum and within 3 days I have the answer to an issue that has plagued me for years and destroyed myself esteem. I feel like people were trying to tell me this, but I didn't understand before now.
OMG. Recently discovered and assessed for being autism as an adult. And this video is exactly like me and my life. Exactly! I didnt know other autistics go through the same thing.
As an older person officially undiagnosed being in the autism spectrum (self diagnosed by helpful RUclipsrs like you) I think many times the other person thinks WE are the “bye-bye” person and they look around thinking ‘where’d they go?’ because it is SOO energy draining to be there like a “bestie” should all day, every day, etc. So the other person who may be used to neuro-typical people as friends may think we are not really committed and then NOW we need them…what?! Yes I can be an extrovert and be social going to karaoke with friends then I have to stay home for like 3 weekends in a row because it exhausted me, I can see where the other people would have an attitude about me like I am the “gone girl” here today then MIA for a while. Perhaps they get feelings hurt that I am there only when it is ‘convenient’ for me. The key is talking and letting the neuro-typical peeps know what the deal is and open that door of communication??
How I feel as well. I think some of my friends think that I'm "ignoring them" as I have only answered their texts and ignored their last few phone calls. I feel like they are demanding of my time than I am of theirs which is fine. I think bringing up the Asperger's issue to my close friends and family may be what I do. In a sincere way. I believe a lot of unanswered questions on what people think of us will be looked at differently and possibly accepted. If they are not willing to understand us and the space and time we need for ourselves, then they may not be s good friend anyway. I liked the idea of asking close ones for small favors, as we do favors for them to strengthen the friendship. Then the next time I don't answer my phone for two days, they won't take it personal. This is why I love the idea of being transparent about my ASD condition, because in the end, even neurotypicals have personality disorders they know or don't know about. Having the real conversations are important.
I am the same. I can go out with friends on a Friday night and enjoy it but then I need weeks to recover and during those weeks I don’t beed(or want) much communication with them aside from occasional texts. This simply is not enough for most NTs as they want us to go out more often - they stop by our house unannounced(hell on earth) and just tend to not respect my social boundaries. the friendship ends
I always found that i tended to find friends when i helped people who were in a sort of crisis. I would be there for them and be the best friend i can be and then if i made any new friends i would introduce my friends to start to make a new group of friends. Every single time i did this within a few months i would find that this group of friends would leave me out more and more without any explanation until that new group would eventually cut me off. This happened 3 times and eventually i just accepted i was always just the guy who people turned to when they had nobody else and as soon as they had a less boring person to hang around with i got thrown to the curb. For the past few years i’ve just decided not to bother because i no longer want to deal with the pain of being ditched again. Therefore i have no friends anymore and although im incredibly lonely and depressed by this, its still better than the repeating cycle of rejection
I wish someone had told me this 40 years ago, Thank you
I was an autistic child in 2006, and even then it was pure hell for me!
i can't imagine what it must've been like for you back then in '79
I'm a pro at burning bridges. That's likely because of a lack of ability on my part to strengthen a relationship and it didn't seem salvageable. There have been times that I felt the other person was not loyal, but the relationship was not tested on smaller levels and strengthened. I've felt that sense of evaporation. You never want to make a huge risk in a relationship, and it isn't about putting in all the work yourself- great takeaways in this vid.
I feel like the only way I can create a relationship is to mask for a while, knowing inevitably it will end within a few weeks as the mask slips or a tire from it and shut down. The constant invisible barrier I have felt all my life between me and other, never able to form these emotional bonds that seem so normal to everyone else. My desire for a lot of alone time that keeps me on the peripheral of any friendship group I had. It makes any relationship I gain evaporate as you say.
I watched this whole thing going "no no no". I realise this is the story of my life. It's hard to hear but comforting to finally understand.
I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and have watched a lot of your videos.
I recently have come to realize that I am very likely on the Spectrum. Hearing from other Autistic people about their experiences has given me a lot of peace about mine & other's differences, and new tools to make my life better. Things are starting to make a lot more sense. Truly, Thank You so much.
Same here. I am happy for you! :)
Same, i came for my daughter because i knew she had the bad diagnostic, then discover that im prolly asperger too at 43 years old
Same here Timothy
Thank you , just today I was too stressed thinking about what could I make so someone would appreciate me and see the value in me , really tiring myself for not knowing what did I did wrong, or why some relationships failed, and putting all the work on me, when a relationships is based on two, and i shouldn't just work on trying to be perfect and likeable, and this is really great advice, really thank you
Is a little bit silly to feel like crying but I NEEDED this right now
NT's must learn what friendship really is, not the other way around.
Yes.
Might sound patronising and cynical, but to the robotic aspies (myself included) the world might seem like a sixth grader trying to connect with third graders while the other way of seeing it is probably as that of a loonie moron who analyses everything.
It isn't easy being a cyborg in a world of biobabies.
Of course you feel that way. Life is all about the aspie and what you want and need. NTs must cater to your every whim. So utterly tiring.
Agreed!!!
Thats your mistake.
I never realised how much I avoided relationships until I understood my past and current behaviours as autism and now I'm facing down this minefield I didn't know existed . This content helps . Thanks ☺️
In other words, I need to be braver by lettings people know how their behaviour is affecting me negatively. This is very good advice. I look forward to applying this technique gradually in all areas of my life. I know it will work because whenever I have done so in anger, people start treating me with respect, but this time I won't do it out of anger but as advice and co-operation to work together and build a better team together. It will help all parties.
Yes! I have always managed relationships best from a great distance. I grew up in isolation, which probably disguised my weirdness for a long time. Spent all my life from then until now (my 70s) feeling like a fish out of water. I have recently realised that moving to a different country with another language has been a way to fit in with not fitting in! I will always be the odd one out, yet I no longer care about that. Being myself has certainly reduced the number of people wanting to engage with me. I also understand that I learned how to deal with people through reading vast amounts of anything & everything I could find, much of which was incredibly unsuitable for somebody that age (I could read well very young) which led to some very bizarre behaviours and got me into a lot of trouble later on. Still recovering, and trying to reset!
I think I just understood what's been going on for the last 50+ years. Thanks!!!!
It’s almost scary how this is like the story of my life when it comes to all my past relationships! Then after YEARS I wanted them to be more accommodating to me they told me I’m a freak who changed my personality and they left me! It happened twice one time after 7 years of friendship and one after 10 years of friendship. I never understood why!! I just had enough and said no and I was assertive just like I read in self help books! Now I know. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm not even autistic, and this was so helpful. I too find that I give too much in friendships and relationships, and find that they evaporate. I realised, watching this, that I never ask for ANYTHING, as I'm such a loner that I never ask for help.
This episode resonates with me 100%, even the inability to end a conversation!
I'm not on the spectrum, but I have dated someone who is. He was the kindest, thoughtful person I had the pleasure of getting to know. He over thought everything but I loved him immensely and genuinely thought he was the one for me. However, he kept "creating" problems that were not really there in order to distance himself from the relationship. Eventually, the relationship ended, 10 days after he spontaneously puts a red rose on my car to show me he loves me. I genuinely don't know how better a person I could have been. I felt he wanted the perfect person who doesn't exist because he was afraid of the rejection and hurt he might cause me. I believe he also had commitment phobia, fed by his anxiety.
Similar situation here. I ended up saying that we should just stay friends also because each time I was ready to take a step closer (he said he wanted a romantic relationship with me) he'd pull back which didn't make me feel safe in trying to steer things in a romantic direction. In addition he also has had difficulty letting go of his ex gf with whom he stayed in a fwb relationship for a while: a situation about which he was not transparent with me about when we first met so this brought about trust issues from the very beginning. He also made it clear, when I first met him, that he doesn't do commitment (another reason I decided we'd just stay friends). Despite these challenges over time I was willing to give him a chance but every time I try to take a step closer he'll retreat. I do consider myself a genuine and caring friend. However, from what I've observed over the years, it seems like the fear of abandonment, rejection and loss is so great that he self sabotages (as that feels safer). This makes any sort of emotional connection very difficult. I'm here and want to give affection, support and connection but don't know how to scale that impenetrable wall that he's built around himself. I realise that it's his self preservation kicking in but it's a tough one.
For those us out there, the interesting good news I found is that the world is moving to our direction...from social distancing, work at home, the biggest companies in the world are run by ppl like us, to all the AI and data stuff all to our advantage...
@bright star completely relate!
Yep! Even our empathy, creativity levels, ability to problem solve and innovate will put us ahead of the AI curve...
@@hspinnovators5516 I am old enough to remember a world without a computer in every home. I still don't really "get" tec stuff. I feel like I'm being dragged along, out of control into a world where every aspect of life is ruled by computers, and I don't like it.
This all sounds like "people pleaser" problems. It is realated to CPTSD. Look into "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." by Pete Walker and the work of Richard Grannon.
M Reese PTSD flashback make you more autistic.
The flashback make you more with drawn more in your own head.
@@garyfrancis5015 Thank you for info. That is hugely helpful for me, I can't even tell you helpful. (I kinda suspected this was true?) 👍👍👍
I personally experience a strong link between my autistic behavior, what stresses me out and how I was raised as a child.
My parents would ignore 'bad' behavior and reward 'good' behavior. The thing is, is that bad behavior was often linked to something that was an emotional need that I couldnt express in a way others could understand. So a lot of things were ignored. My needs werent met and I dulled my senses, dulled my interaction with other people and basically became the number one target at school. When I was 14, the diagnose was given but even before then, my parents knew that I was different and they did their best to guide me.
But now that I am 28, I am putting the pieces together on what it means. Since the lock down, I journal a lot. I meditate on a daily basis, do yoga and go out for walks. I watch youtube videos, receive a lot of coaching from work and I am finally learning on how to feel. On how to feel my own needs and how to communicate them.
I guess I learned to talk to my parents only very recently. My dad got very angry. He got very angry at himself. How could we have failed you the way we did?
It is hard to know what goes on in an autistic person. It requires patience. Time. Space. A stable environment. And just like I need to train my brain in order to do better, the same goes for them.
And that's... alright I suppose.
ElyaEquestus thanks for the pointers. That’ll help me with my son that has autism
I have really bad CPTSD. My so called kin set me up on false charges and let me sit in Jail, innocently, getting beaten, inject with drugs I'm allergic ti and all my human rights and dignity stripped. What little I had to start with .
They have no remorse. These creatures are Demonic. Autistics are the chosen ones. The demons don't like our truth.
Paul, your videos have been quite literally saving my life. You’re the first person I’ve felt like I’ve actually looked up to. Thank you for what you do
I get it. I've struggled with how friendships work all my life, and I thought it was just because we moved all the time and I got isolated instead of well socialized, but now I think I really am neurodivergent and I'm exploring that. A thought as I was listening to this video: now and then I've had someone who just came on too strong, trying hard to "be a friend" by following a rule set like "do things for this person, bring them things" and all, and at my end it was overwhelming. They just needed to back off a little. If the rule set they're using is, "I'm doing all these things for you, now you do something for me," and I didn't WANT them to do the things in the first place -- well, at my end that just feels manipulative. Or like trying to buy my friendship. Or clingy. Or intrusive. The worst and most extreme was my abusive ex who'd say, "Hey, look, I did the dishes for you! Now you have to do this freaky thing in bed for me," and I'd be, "Whoa, wait, I never agreed to that."
I'll add that for me, friendships have worked best in small groups. I don't do well in noisy crowds, but I also feel so awkward in one-on-ones over tea. I'm not good at small talk, or even deep talk. In a small group, though, I can talk when I feel like it and be quiet and listen when I feel like it. I'm in a craft group and on a Dragon boat team, and between them and my job, I get to socialize in a way that works for me. The one-on-one "let's get coffee!" thing is still a mysterious ritual for me, but I don't worry about it so much any more.
I am 66, I just don't have the desire or energy anymore to push myself SO hard to try and get people to like me or want to be friends or have a relationship. I might be burnt out by now, or just too scared to keep doing it after a lifetime... Over 60 years... That's a long time
I’m 22 and already feeling this way
This video was so eye opening, thank you! I have operated with the idea that I'm self reliant and since I get drained easily when other people have a lot of demands from me, I try to do the opposite in my relationships. Even when there are little things I could use help with, I don't ask for help so I don't inconvenience anyone. I've always had the idea in my head that I'm positioning myself as someone who only asks for help when I really need it. (Thinking that would entice a friend to step up if I'm asking, "this must be serious if she's asking for help" kinda thing.) So many times this hasn't worked out, just like you explained in this video. This video is a real game changer, thank you for making it!
This was exactly my thought process too, i would hold off asking for help until I really truly needed it. And then the other person wouldn't help me and it would hurt more, because in my mind, "I so rarely ask for help so she must know that if I'm asking this one time, that automatically means it's a very serious situation and I really need the help. So she knows that and is rejecting me at my weakest. What an awful 'friend'."
I have solved that problem. I just do not have relationships anymore.
Same honestly. I've given up on dating and except for one friend, who also highly suspects he's autistic, I've pretty much accepted that any other friendships I have will be short term friendships.
Same, but like me, i'm sure you're well aware that the giving up phase doesn't last forever. We'll dive right back into it again at some point, only to be damaged once again.
same here.
it ain't good though. somewhere down the line could be likely that will need support. possibly the mutual support will help survive.
No, sudden death😵
Thank you for mentioning to risk small rejections
rather than taking on a large one. It is much too painful to swallow a large rejection in one go and endure all that pain. I agree any type of rejection is difficult; however, if the small risk of rejection results in progress in the relationship, it is worth it.
When Rafael Nadal was a small child, his trainer (his Uncle) made him play tennis with his left hand as well as his right. After years, it became second nature to Nadal.
For a “giver” to learn how to have a reciprocal relationship would take years. It's foreign. But the rewards are worth it, many times over.
A red letter day for me was when I realized how people who were always there for me, never said no, so anxious to please me ....well they were somewhat annoying. One day I was able to see myself through them. It was life changing
Thanks for this video . I had this illusion about ‘ this give and take ‘ too. Giving too much but not getting much in return
We're told we have to give, otherwise, we are selfish as narcissists.
I have no patience for this. I’m so tired. Why can’t this be easy? Why can’t someone in real life understand? Why do I always have to start things? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so upset?
I’ve learned to just not play ball the moment I see someone drop theirs, especially when we are in the initial stages. Im just not doing this one sided thing anymore. Either understand, be present, or leave. End of story.
A very, very difficult life lesson that we all learn at some point is this: people treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you. In other words, if you allow people to take advantage of your kindness, many will. Of course, if you're being kind to someone who never indicated that they wanted your kindness, you can't be upset when they don't return your kindness. (Nobody is obligated to be your friend or lover). But if anyone is pretending to be your friend or romantic partner, and they're always taking but rarely giving, they're not really your friend or your romantic partner.
Set boundaries for the people in your life, and if they repeatedly violate your boundaries, you absolutely must find the self-confidence to leave them behind.
Otherwise, the chances of your being taken advantage of are decent.
The tests alone are not enough. They need to have consequences (for you, not "punishment" for the other). Walking away in graduated way is one consequence. Not needing or enforcing "friendship" is necessary too.
"The Endless Chain Of Evaporating Relationships" long since given up.
And. quite frankly, what you are suggesting is beyond me. I have no idea if people want me around, no idea if I am welcome ... so the only way to avoid imposing myself on others (because i will not 'get the hint'), is to only engage with people when they contact me. .... and that eventually stops.
The sad thing is I have realized that i really do not get anything from other people. Others register the positive feedback from people when they see their expressions and understand their words, but i talk to people and maybe i see them smile, but I have little to no idea why they are smiling, so it means nothing.
I recently had a couple of experiences with colleagues at work, that put it into perspective...
Person A is from a county where they are really expressive, and there have been a few times where she has expressed something enough that it actually registered. A small thing, but she has waved hello like she was actually happy to see me ... and it was like if you are in a crowded room with many conversations and then you overhear someone say your name ... you get this 'tickle' of recognition in you brain as you name shines out of the din. Well, the wave was kind of like that .. i guess I had a puzzled look on my face... Is this what everyone else fells all the time? That you see the smile and the wave and it actually registers as 'I am actually happy to see you'. It is a bit weird but even the few instances where she expressed irritation with me, where i could actually 'see it', were very positive, relaxing experiences for me.
This gets put into stark relief by having a three hour conversation with another colleague (Person B) about a shared love of music and hobbies. Three hours of discussion. including me reciting poetry, but at no point did I get any emotional feedback at all from her ... she was a complete blank slate.
So i have been shown 'this is what you are missing', had it dangled in front of me, and shown absolutely clearly that i have no chance of seeing it ever again.
I have given up trying to have friends, given p on trying to have a romantic relationship ... i just have no clue as i simply cannot see any emotional feedback. what makes it all the more galling is that I have spent years studying psychology and have solved the 'theory' of people, I just can't manage the practical reality.
sorry for rambling on ... and thanks if you got this far.
I can really relate to what you are saying 👍
I have pretty much given up now, age 66. It's too complicated and I have studied for YEARS trying to get myself "sorted out"... It's just not happening and I guess I am saying now that I don't care anymore. Even people I have known 55+ years, 40, 20, even my brother...😓 I have been through too many traumatic experiences... I HAVE to mask even with my daughter, but I think the only people I can be myself is with my grandchildren. I have a couple female friends but I never get to see them anymore. I have had to adjust to feeling alone which is NOT hard for me because I prefer being alone.
I really appreciate your videos. I have had a small thought in the back of my mind about being on the spectrum for quite some time now. RUclips recommended your video “25 questions to ask yourself.....” and it hit home really hard. I want to pursue an official diagnosis but my executive functions are so poor I haven’t had insurance or a steady job in years which is making that task very difficult. But, I wanted to express gratitude to you for being a voice for the many of us wondering “what is wrong” with me. It’s really awesome knowing there isn’t anything “wrong” we’re just different.
It’s hard to find people nowadays who would even consider doing for you, what they expect you to do for them
My two cents: it's very easy for me to have people trying to get into my life when they don't interest me at all. I think that not being interested removes all the anxiety you have about your behavior and your desire for the relationship. I still have this problem today. What for should I have people in my life that don't interest me? Well, they are very helpful and also very boring. On the other hand, I never managed to have any one in my life that I really like. I don't think your recipe applies to my case. Doing things for other people is useless in terms of relationship. They have to like you or be attracted to you in some way before hand. Otherwise you will become a kind of a tool to them that they use when they need.
Sometimes. I’ve had that happen to such an extreme that I had nothing left to give; I pull back if I feel either that I’m taking advantage or that there are strings attached to the gifts until I’m healed enough not to become someone I wouldn’t wish to have healed had I known I’d become. I probably hurt myself by not asking those for whom I know there are no strings. I call it growth; though I sometimes think my cycle of reflection/action has some unusual rhythms, though these seem common among those whose company I enjoy most. Many are quite substantive individuals.
P.S. Not being interested doesn’t even come close to removing my anxiety. I don’t blot others out just because I don’t want anything from them; though maybe I should... Hrrrrm...
you have very low self esteem , so anyone who shows positive affection to you ( how worthless should they be to waste their time with you )authomatically becomes boring in your eyes. You desire to attract someone above you in your hierarchic mind, but they have to lower themselves to see and show some interest towards to you and that will authomatically loose their value in your eyes. Plase dont think I am boring because of my replay, trust me I will not read anything from you in case write back.
@@telliturna4998 Maybe I have a very high self esteem and can see people for the POS they are. You are a troll and probably you're talking about yourself.
you may be have the Sociopath personality unfortunately. Look into it
@@Hello-zf5lq I don't think so. However, you obviously have a very low IQ. Sorry to break that to you.
was dating a man with Asperger for 4 months (last weeks we started to see each other two days per week) until I asked him if he was available the next day and I offered to bring him some food. His answer was: I don't like to see people so often and I'm not ready for a relationship. I was shocked and now I'm so sad! I really don't get it, mostly because he was the one who often wrote me to see each other and said to me that he liked to spend time with me. I know that for Asperger's people expressing feeling are complicated. But I have problems to understand the suddenly change. P.S. I excuse for my English, my first language is Spanish.
He probably got scared because he wasn’t used to people reciprocating interest.
Ya me imagino tu desconcierto. Al principio se piensa que todo obedece quizás a diferencias culturales, pero al cabo de un tiempo y experiencias se cae en cuenta de que esa persona cercana o especial en realidad es distinta o muy peculiar por otras causas.
Eureka!! WE TRAIN THEM!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Thanks for such an interesting video! I was diagnosed with autism last year and it's great to know myself more. I like your videos a lot. I think that a lot of people who is not autistic is having this problem too nowadays.
Paul listening to you is just relaxing, same ground line, just direct, clear, plain, transparent, you are such a gem
I am receiving counseling right now and he say this happens to everyone, I feel like I'm talking to a wall despite him having a degree I want to scream.I have 36 on the aspie test from Cohen I took the test on line and told him about it , they say I'm just ADHD.
Shop around for the right counsellor it usually takes a few times. That’s not good if the counsellor dismisses your perspective, they may have tried to normalise it as a general issue that applies to everyone, but the delivery of this message created that wall. You’ve got options
Yep But when you're so smart you can mask it, they can't know. They don't know how you think or feel, only you do. I know the frustration. I've accepted I will probably be self-diagnosed my whole life and slip through the cracks
I’m having a hard time with the transition of my boyfriend leaving. Then the separation anxiety is so bad to the point I’m thinking about ending it. I don’t connect over text messages. It’s uncomfortable being in a relationship. When physically together, I can express much better & we are fine but apart the texting and separation is literally too much.
Thank you for sharing.
You have summed up my failed marriage in this matter - I was also a child of a narcissistic mother, who I tried to please all the time... I brought that behaviour into the marriage, along with occasional rages. ☹
I am so interested in this video! Although for me it is in the middle of the night. I will try to be awake and online
Same!!
I am an introvert. I have a friend with highfunctioning autism. He is Lonely and Impatient. These traits stand out glaringly.
It is a huge turnoff for friendship or dating when one person is constantly asking to talk and hang out. My social needs are less than most people and that adds another level to the issue. I desire to spend a couple of hours one day a week with friends but I don't have a way to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. The Impatience leads to a lot of rudeness. I get asked what I was doing in the bathroom (I was doing what everyone else does in the bathroom), why I stopped walking (to tie my shoe), why I didn't answer the phone (I was doing something) and many other rude questions that can be linked to the Impatience trait of the condition.
Um, how did you see inside my head? 😆 Great video, thanks.
This is my life. But also I did speak up when I was hurt by them and told them that I felt ignored. They acted like I was attacking them and continued to ignore me. 😔
I always endeavoured to be the most supportive and trustworthy friend ever!
Asking for anything in return never came naturally and holding other people accountable always seemed to have negative consequences, and represented a danger to be avoided.
My parents taught me you can’t rely on anyone for anything, if you want something done properly do it yourself. The underlying belief that everyone lets you down sooner or later just made me want to circumvent trusting or relying on people to the highest degree possible.
Thank you for your stories. I had a friend that was on a spectrum. And helping such people is what we have to do instead of rejecting them.
Ten years ago, at the age of 61, I experienced autistic burnout. I was sick with gastritis. I couldn't work. I came to the end of my savings. I went to live with my younger sister, in another city, ...at her invite. I was hoping to recover from burnout and then go on with my life. Unfortunately, my sister quickly became resentful of my being with her and physically and emotionally abused me.
I was all alone in an unfamiliar city.
God was with me.
I had trust issues before.....now I don't have the capacity to trust anyone....God alone.
Does that sound a little bit like my life? yes. maybe a lot.
Your insight is changing my life! Your words are unique! Now I'm telling myself that I should risk rejections to build a relationship. I repeat with myself each day ''a tiny risk of rejection, a tiny chance of making it stronger'' ''and it makes me ready gradually to leave the relationship if it stays weak''. And this formula is working! and besides, I'm feeling a lot better in my relationships! I'm feeling more valued. Thank you so so much! I needed your advice. I have had a long history of being too nice in relationships and always mistakenly hoping that one day it will work.
Can you talk about Aspies who lose relationships due to behavior and words that others don't understand, are offended or hurt by?
I lost all trust in people, but this vid gives me hope
Hey man thank u so much for this advice I've dealt with this issue all my life, friends "disappearing" when I need them most and its helpful to know that I've been going about my relationships the wrong way. Not only is it draining to alway be the one who helps and never needs help but but in the end its always ended up with me needing something and not receiving the help I need sending me into an even darker pit so again thank you for helping me realize and keep up the great work man love the channel
wow, it's like he's referring to my life exactly. I've just got done trying hard to be the best friend I know how to be. everything after around the 6-minute mark is what I've needed to move to a better place.
i see what you're saying about pulling on a muscle. I definitely have pulled too much muscles back in the day. and it has caused me not to pull at all for years longer. Thanks for the video. it has helped so much.
Same
I feel like when people approach me (because of course i’m too scared to approach others) they talk to me and realize i’m not as good as they thought i was and so they leave me. It’s like i scare everyone away. The people who do keep talking to me treat me badly. I attract the wrong people and ward off the nice people.
I wonder if this is how my friends feel. My best friend in HS that I'm still friends with is autistic (really two friends I'm still with since HS have autism just one male one female). We clicked and went full throttle friendship when we were young and typically drop off the radar together when we get together now. Very intense. But I don't mind since I hyperfocus with my ADD. I don't know that we constantly test our relationship but we do take breaks? Like, months on months off sort of cyclically. Maybe my relationship with both friends are so long lasting (15ish years) because they are more like siblings in my eyes.