Hard Truth about the Dilemma for Couples in ND Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
These kinds cannot be married. I have been married to mine for 30 years and no matter how hard you try save praying fo a miracle, nothing works. I wanted to be a wife and not a psychiatrist. I’m stuck with mine, but put him another room. I know I sound like a bad person, but the emotional and verbal abuse my children and I have endured and still endure has zapped every bit of energy I have left except for prayer alone.
Praying. 🙏 I surely understand. With God All things are possible.
Sadly I do understand this feeling. It is incredibly difficult and I've had many similar experiences. I know it's hard for both sides. Being able to cut the emotion off is something NTs cannot do and we do suffer greatly as well. More needs to be done to diagnose early and treat ASD better. If I didn't now have children on the spectrum to see their struggle I would likely feel less empathy for my spouse. I still very often want to run. It's not the NTs fault either. Unfortunately many with undiagnosed ASD early on learned abusive tactics to cope. We happen to be the punching bags for the abuse. People with ASD feel very similar out in the world but that doesn't make us feel better or sorry for them if we are recipients of their meltdown abuse. It is unintentional abuse but it still burns the house down.
@@ElfieAoefe that was a very empathetic response. Thank you, Alice. There needs to be so much more education in ASD. There is too much suffering on both sides.
@@Onelove858 No. No it is not. Please do not spout this religious knee-jerk statement especially regarding this topic. All it does is guilt trip NTs who are already guilt-tripped that they are not logical, brief and to the point enough to get something to live on in this desert of a relationship, now they have to worry about praying enough, leaning on god enough - because if they did, well then, All Things Would be Possible, right? If you just pray enough, in just the exact right way or whatever - in addition to speaking exactly in the "correct" tone of voice and amount of content to suit your ASD husband, then god will magically make it so your husband will hear you, see you, recognize you and you will suddenly have a nurturing, reciprocal relationship with him. It's. Not. Going. to. Happen. No matter what you do, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And that includes praying. If you want to make this about god, well, god made Aspergers. What do you say to that? I was not born to serve endlessly and live on emotional crumbs and endure endless invalidation with a smile on my face just because I "understand" the disorder - and I don't think god made me with that expectation.
This is why I’m leaving asap
Thanks for these videos. I knew there was something like this going on, and the Cassandra Syndrome fit me to a T for the past 14 years - I followed him for every job change, I adapted, I moved our stuff across the country every 6 months to a year, I just couldn't do it anymore. I have a NT friend that I talk to now, and my emotional needs are met through him and other friends and family. I was isolated for a long time, without being able to have a normal conversation and decompress. I would never go back to the isolation and financial dependence on him, but I would like to patch things up for the sake of our daughters and co-parenting. And, I still love him! The way we broke up is that he left for his new job after just 3 months at a job where I worked (I helped him get the job after he complained about the one before). He moved back to his home state and I stayed behind with my daughters and now I raise them alone, and he comes for visits, which is nice for both of us. I don't think I can expect anything more.. No emotional discussions or connections at all! I guess that's the answer for us..
Ohmigoddess you are talking about my life and marriage. We moved 21 times in 30 years. 7 times in the first three years of my #1 daughter's life. All I did was adapt to him over and over and keep trying to make a family life, whereas all he wanted to do was work and do his own solo interests. I ended up severely isolated and ashamed that I was stuck in this state of deprivation with someone who did not appear to need me at all or want me ..but who wanted to keep me around to organize the details and raise his children while giving him endless space.... Since 2005 I have been trying to leave him and become independent. This last year I came across the ASD info and finally was able to see things more objectively. I still enjoy him , am attracted to him but I can not live under the same roof with him anymore . I need to rebuild my life in all areas which is daunting at the age of 69 after 40 years of stress in this marriage. However I now realize it is hopeless and he will never and never could be the husband that he seemed to indicate he was ....so that he could lure me into marriage and children. Although he did not lie consciously ...he wanted to believe he was as he was presenting himself briefly.
Im stunned anyone would continue on with a "relationship" its not a marriage and its not fixable.
Another sign of AS -- unless it's his special interest-- clothing. He will buy what is comfortable and needs only. So if you buy him clothing for fun, he might say, "Why did you buy me that? I don't need it." The neurotypical response is to say thank you and wear the item. He might leave it on the shelf with tags on until it no longer fits because he hasn't worn out his current clothing. That also distinguishes AS from narcissism.
@@ElfieAoefe I try Alice. I'm sorry because I know it's hard for you as well. It just isn't right that anyone suffer so much, NT or ASD.
Oh my...my hubby does that exact thing! I get it now! It just happened yesterday...I love thinking of him when I shop (I am a gift giver!). He has never just thanked me...just makes "comments" about items I buy him. Very disheartening to know simple appreciation will never happen.
@@TopWebProducts I haven’t bought my husand any gift 🎁 for his bday or gift 💝 for last 3 yrs . I just have too many traumas , n throughly blamed for getting him something (that’s nice that he later loved so much but at moment no need ) . Lol 😝 I have issues geting things for him . Cuz he would throughly pick me apart or the stuff I get apart . The later on the stuff I get 💯 becomes his favourites , he end up getting backup or 2nd 3rd one . N sheepishly :” I do like them now ! “ pretend never hated em before . N made sure I am informed how much the stuff I got were truely hated for .
He is changed tho. I got $1000 worth of stuff for Xmas this yr but I couldn’t get him anything . He is somehow happy cuz he prefer getting things he wants on his own . Not being given when didn’t ask for ! So we won’t receive :” I will never use that !”
I have a cupboard full of brand new stuff I'm waiting to open, much of it gifts. But not before I've worn out my old stuff. Some of it is many years old already.
My husband did the same. However he never seemed to have the time to buy clothes so I would buy little things for him because I learnt his taste and every- thing was worn out. I got the same response you did. Like underclothes, socks and T-shirts. At the end he got cranky about it.
So ladies, decide if you want to remain in a relationship with a child, and usually a negative hostile one. Unable to fix, will have to treat him like a child for the remainder of your relationship, you will never have your emotional needs met properly, you will be his emotional punching bag and most of the time he will treat you like an enemy. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living miserably in the special kind of hell these relationships are? Do you want to stay in a relationship with a very self centered, narcissistic man who lacks empathy or understanding of basically everything? Do you want to develop mental and physical illnesses from the stress and mistreatment?
It will take me years to untangle myself from this but I am doing it.
My husband attacks and blames me for everything! So frustrating! Of course I make mistakes but he never ever admits he made a mistake! Always turns everything around and blames me!! This is exhausting! So not only do I need to deal with the life stressor- I need to placate him too!!! 😢
Thanks for sharing!!
I totally get you! I have always wanted to scream, “What’s it like to be perfect!” at my husband. Somehow, everything that goes wrong, or could go wrong, is entirely my fault.
Thank you! 🙏🏽 hit this one out of the park once again! Your videos are incredibly helpful and informative. I believe that some of my children are also on the spectrum but it’s so challenging to get a diagnosis. At least your videos have helped me to understand what I’m dealing with and how to engage with my husband and children.
I’m training to be a psychiatrist. This is exceptional content. Thank you for what you do. It’s evident you’re highly informed and have refined your teaching over time to be high yield, helpful, and transformative for relationships. Thank you so much.
Great to hear!
Thank you for this. Reading some of the responses I have found myself questioning my "stay" choice. I have developed a zero tolerance to damaging behaviour: the rule is remove yourself from company before you flip otherwise I remove myself. Same rule for child. The reason I initially chose "stay" is that until I figure out what it is in me that chose an AS hubby there is no point in doing a trade in... I'll probably just choose the an aspie again
I realized recently that I married an Aspie because my mother is an Aspie. In beginning of my journey I thought both of them were narcissists. Turns out when my husband started therapy he was right away referred to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with autism level 1. And then I went down that path of why I would pick a partner like him and wow did him and my mother have all the traits! It’s helped me to let go of the resentment I had for both of them. Now I’m trying to navigate life. Wish you the best.
Yes. We unconsciously choose what’s familiar. I’ve recreated my parents’ unhappy marriage in my own. I have to forgive that as I didn’t know any better. Inevitable since I learned from them. & have to forgive them (parents & partner) since they’re likely on the same wheel too (didn’t know & repeating patterns). I repeated the pattern of neglect from my childhood. 😢 I’m trying to decide if I stay - so painful. I’m ND as well, an added challenge. Biggest issue is he’s in denial about being ND.
@@sylviamontero6030 ugh - same! I now recognize it in my Mom… and Dad, too. Any recommended materials that helped you with the parents piece?
My ex used to accuse me of being too emotionally driven and too impulsive. He often suggested that I was autistic because I didn't do things his way. After watching your videos, I feel like he is more "autistic" than I am, although I don't believe either of us would meet diagnostic criteria.
The NT spouse often is the emotional punching bag for the ASP spouse. Unacceptable. I wanted a partner, not another child or life project. Unless the ASP partner is aware and willing to work, it can never ever work. NT people can't feel human without feeling seen a.d accepted too.
Or...the roles can be reversed.
Mild mannered ASD partners can be taken advantage of by an aggressive or abusive partner, as they are very gullible and believe what their partner tells them from the get go of the relationship, and are often not capable of defending themselves.
Absolutely the best comment I’ve read about these slow witted, harsh ppl.
I think I could be friends with my husband but would rather be alone than deal with someone with kid gloves for the rest of my life
NT wife. Asd husband. After almost 10 years together...we both came to this sobering truth about why nothing is working. We are both hurting. He's scared I'm going to leave. I'm scared I may leave due to stagnation in our life. ( Because he is indecisive) we just found out and we are both unsure how to navigate this. Suggestions and comments welcome. Help.
Focus on his strengths.
Don't live in fear of his meltdowns. Have hard conversations anyway as long as he doesn't beat you. If he does, leave. Conversations are handled as you would a spoiled child. Firm. Concrete. Simple. One topic. If he stonewalls, that's your permission to make a unilateral decision and you will state that and implement the decision.
Let the insults and verbal abuse roll off your back. He's not capable of empathy, affirmation, or good manners. You need to rely on friends and family for healthy interpersonal interactions. He's trapped in the emotional mind of a child, and let that invoke pity from you.
Again, focus on his strengths. He probably has some really cool super powers. My partner has read literally thousands and thousands of books, he can do complicated math, physics, electronics, engineering, and all forms of DIY; he can fix anything.
If you decide to divorce, it's not a bad idea.
Get busy with a job, friends, hobbies, helping older family members and anything else which keeps you happy. Don't depend on him for all your needs
@@JulieGracieThis was so helpful. Thank you
Thank you, this came on the right moment. Your demo's have helped me so much more understanding our relationship.
I’m an NT in a relationship. with sweet. but arrogant Aspie; he also be condescending. I love him but feel so. hurt & undermined for what I’ve accomplished & my diverse interest. Just can’t let him leave my life since I believe we are soul mates. Perhaps making a grand gesture towards him would make him realize how much he means to me & will help him with his mind-blindness. He happens to have a PhD. & seems so worldly, but he thinks I’m a spoiled unsophisticated lady no matter how hard I try to catch up. He is very anxious which drives my anxiety to high levels; leaving me in tears. Thanks Mark for any input. 😢
Why are you even tolerating this abusive behaviour? ASD or not, he has no right to demean you in any way. A soul mate does not hurt his soul mate.
Thank you so much, speaking with him about my needs, in his case in a vulnerable way, really helps. When he is relaxed he will mention his own needs, at least vaguely. "Talking is work to him" very important. I noticed this. We enjoy different ball games, snooker, bowling, boules.
Thanks for sharing!
Mark, I am so excited to have these explanations but where does one go from there. I was married for 50yrs when my husband left me for a woman at my business which we ran together. How can I correct my mistakes when I did everything I could to keep the marriage together. I let him do as he liked but it wasn’t enough. Being old has complicated things as I am now in a Retirement Village and he is now running the business. He is a Shut-Down person and we haven’t had a proper discussion since or about 20yrs before. I know I cannot fix him but what to do? I was once a very emotional, loving person but now I don’t want to be involved with people. I feel like I’m living in the dark. We have been separated about 20 months.
I have groups...
Wow!!! Yes, thank u Mark! This is my spouse. I, we look forward working with u.
Wonderful!
Any resources for ADHD (F) and ASD (M) relationships? Thanks!
Thank you so much for your videos. They are so help my situation. I just wonder who've HFA. Are they feel sad for themself? And are they(HFA) sorry for their partner because they could't understand their partner..
Thank you so much.
I have to learn from you more and more.
My not yet diagnosed bf and I have reversed roles
I work to support us both. He has recently leaned to cook and clean so now helps me with that. He can’t hold down a job.
I am almost 20 years older than he is. We get along very well except that he can not comprehend that working a commission only full time job takes a lot out of me and then to have to meet his needs is too much for me. He functions like a child and it’s all about how I’m controlling him when I’m trying to look after us both and avoid financial trouble. His parents have given up on him now that he is 30. He has been in rehab for alcohol and pot and has a history of getting in fights, car accidents etc … somehow it’s never his fault but the other persons.
I’m at wits end. Feel like I’m losing me. He has cost me more than $70k the last 16 months.
Saving - so I can locate to post later.
Oh Gurl! You should leave! Mothering him wont do him any good in the long run and you will be exhausted. Does he have ASP official diagnosis?
@@lenka8986 he doesn’t have an official diagnosis but his brain for sure functions non neurotypically. I broke up with him in Feb and am putting my life back together.
@@shaynalee Take care ❤️ You will be okay ❤️
So right.
Hi Mark. What is the best way to ask my ASD partner about attending couples therapy ? I overload him with my emotions (I have CPTSD and ADHD) So, after 8 years of trying to 'fix' us, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and although we love each other, I don't know if we can make it. He has been living elsewhere for 3 months and I thought this would give us a chance to work on things but we are still stuck...
That's his work... {to join that is}...
My husband gets so frustrated and angry with exactly this overthinking / over-logic. It is painful being asked to stop talking about my interests, planning, analysis, etc.
I am curious why you refer to the autistic spouse as a male.
I am the neuro typical husband. When I hear neuro typical wife I think to myself, "Oh, that's me!" 😂 I will say this. . .THERE IS A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE when the wife has AS. It's almost as if gender roles are reversed. I feel like BOTH the man and woman in the relationship. Woman in the sense that I do nearly all the cleaning and laundry. My AS wife is a great cook and prepares my lunches. I'm also the emotional spouse that loves deeper conversation (historically a womanly trait). My wife plays the video games, watches the cartoons, and indulges in her special interests. I partake in her interests as well, to show my support. I'm the man in the sense that I am also the protector. She has a tendency to not watch where she's going, and if not for me, would crash into people/things. She also gets many stares due to her awkward movements and I fend people off with my eyes. Look at my thumb pic and I'm an intense looking guy, so it works hehe. I also work hard and take on the majority of the finances, to which I give God all credit. It's an interesting life I lead to say the least.
@@rudyescobar7071 other than being awkward, scattered, and introverted, no one can tell that I am autistic. I do all the house work, with the exception of most of the “handyman” work. I take care of the garden, do the dishes, clean the floors, bathrooms, decorate, do all the laundry, raise our two kids, and work two jobs. I have plenty of capabilities, but I have my challenges, such as poor management of money and having interests that my husband doesn’t appreciate. My husband spends most of his time away from the home and is often cold with us. He puts me down very often.
@@leilap2495 I am sorry to hear that. I hope it'll get better. You really should sit down with him, tell him what bothers you, ask him why he's reacting like this. My Asperger boyfriend never understood me. I'm not saying its your fault, many people do not know how to communicate, you'll have to learn it together. You and your husband. Maybe consider couple counseling, if nothing else works. I wish you the best
It will be better AS marry themselves.its not worth it especially when they don't want professional help. I will rather have them as a patient, a friend or a neighbor.
There is never a link below the video as you speak about. I’ve never seen a link
There's always a link in the description area.....
Simply doesn’t fit and will never work. Why not we aspies date each other?
Because you need the NT to do the things you can’t or don’t want to do.
@@silvergirl7810 We can not change the core belief of NT that they are normal and we are defective. Thus whatever we do is never enough
@@jimmycylon9437 because if you truly love someone you both do your best to make the relationship work. my boyfriend (Aspie) and I work just fine. You just have to talk, sit down and be sympathetic. On both ends. You do not need to understand motivations or feelings. You need to understand how to avoid unnecessary actions that harm your partner. I had to learn that and he had to learn it too.
Best of luck!
@@maryann3532 u sound so kind n loving n patient . Anyone with u is lucky 🍀
@@maryann3532 I think the key is the aspect needs to realize they have this and have to meet their nt partner in middle and work together.
💙
Where is the link I don’t see a link
In the description...
@@markhutten
On an iOS it’s different found out. There’s a tiny arrow on the right below the video you have to click to get the descriptions. Lol. I’m not dumb but I looked it up. Now I’m good
You’re definitely wasting your time trying to change these people. They know they’re not normal and they have no business being married. When they are younger, parents need to explain to them that they aren’t compatible with marriage. It’s extremely irresponsible to not speak up and level with your child when they are moving into their adult years.