Overcoming Obstacles in the ASD + NT Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
ASD+NT Couples resources:
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Parenting resources:
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
The problem is, few know they are getting an ASD partner. They treat you so well while dating because they hyper focus on you (proof that they can have excellent social skills when they WANT to) and then when you’re married he no longer wants to focus on you-he’s off to other things to focus on. Trying to get him into any kind of diagnostic help increases his anxiety to the point of cancelling or just not showing up. It’s pretty much hopeless. I do ALL the researching, adapting, changing, accommodating, going to counseling. I’m continually exhausted while he lives in his mind blindness, perfectly content. Just telling the truth for those considering such a difficult relationship.
I get it.
I love my husband of 20 years....but if I would have see the signs sooner I definitely would have made different choices..
Not that I wouldn't have married him..but I would have probably considered our differences a little more fully.
As he says, I can be quite abrasive and aggressive. These parts of me really make him shut down.
@GGrace. You hit the nail on the head. ON POINT💯 I already know my hus will not seek a diagnosis. I'm praying his Dr may can pinpoint it. He shared with me his Dr had him fill out a questionnaire regarding stress..something along those lines. I told him I wish he took a picture of it...he said he should have.
@Leah Compton I definitely understand. I love my hus of almost 40 yrs. If I had known sooner, I could have saved myself and him a lot of heartache and pain. Looking back..I ask myself how the heck our marriage lasted sooo long..
I hear you all💖 and I'm so glad I'm not alone. I thought I was going mad!
I feel exactly as you do.
The hard part is that the NT partner care enough to seek out info like this and try to see things from our partners perspective. The Aspie partner, with Alexithemia is just going to…never even think of this.
Not true. I’m here. But I’m a woman and psychology is one of my interests.
And yet you will see comments on this channel from ASDs saying that they are the ones that are expected to understand NTs all the time and that we never try to understand.
@@jemiller226 Let me educate you on a little old Greek philosophy called Stoicism that will dramatically improve your outlook on life and reduce anxiety.
Life's not fair.
The sooner you accept that, the easier living becomes. You drew the short straw. Accept it. Embrace it.
and the possibly have resistance to it. It's like it feeds my narrative, my worth is not recognised or understood. The depths of my efforts and time investment to learning to make things work is not seen and that is so lonely. it's like a one way street.
@@jemiller226 Where did I say that?
This explained my dissolved relationship with a fiancee, she was NT. And hearing/reading this years later, I understand her side more. Thank you
Hey Guys, I am married to a man who was never diagnosed, but our problems are identical to those described on the video. We're just six months married and I am already on the edge of a serious nervous break down... ☹️ What makes it worse, I am highly sensitive person. I might be neurodiverse too, but just in the very opposite way than my beloved. His periods of meltdown and avoidance make me suffer so much that my death seems to be the only relief. I am really devastated inside. I usually try to convey to him how much I suffer, but he seems to always deny my feelings and gaslight me. But I do know how I feel. I am starting my individual therapy soon, but he still avoids seeking any counseling. I am dying inside 🙁
I am sorry that you are in so much pain. Don’t give up. There is HOPE….Seek God. Ask Him to comfort you.
@@alisonharper6322 Thank you dear! Praying is difficult, as I know I am not perfect too and I easily get angry. But I do pray, it helps!
I am so sorry you are in the place you are, at this time. Hopefully through therapy, they'll be able to guide you in the decisions on how to move forward. I would almost say the first year was the hardest, but also there were happy times in there.. it's been nearly 9 years and for me, I don't think staying was the right decision.. I feel like a different person, the loneliness is a pool. I am also highly sensitive and neurodivergent (dyslexic, which adds more sensitivity, I think?!). If you live near close friends who care for you and have hobbies yourself or pets, that bring some comfort, maybe you could endure it. But do you want to be happy? It may mean bigger changes are needed. 😟 💚
You feel pretty deeply. Probably you are also neurodiverse, as you said
Honey, as a daughter watching such situation for 30+ years, may I suggest finding support for you outside of marriage. Make many female friendships to have someone to talk to and have social needs met outside of marriage context. Marriage will feel more like an agreement of shared space. Be very careful with any male friendships as NT males will seem VERY attractive at times.
This is a gem of a video, totally priceless information that helps even for all types of relationships. I can't believe it doesn't have more views, it would hwlp so many people!Thank you very very much 🙏🏽🙏🏽
That quiz was a summary of my marriage problems with my husband. Wow mind blown.
Wish I heard this a couple weeks ago. I have been talking/seeing a guy who I suspect as ASD for a few months... after our last date he was acting really cold and I freaked out... I needed some emotional response/validation that he liked me and I guess I pressured him for a reaction. He then said he was "tired of my attitude" and has gone completely silent. 😞 I am absolutely heartbroken and really lost here. Missing him terribly 😞
He probably saw through ur bs.
@@thenativist3564 Bs? That is not a very kind comment... I make mistakes, but it was a misunderstanding and I apologised. When you like someone it is hard to never get any signals back, but I doubt you get what We are talking about here. ASD is tough.
At least I have respect and I am not an online bully.
@@madwoman4864 I'd ignore that comment... you were expecting some degree of two way communication / emotional response. Seems legit to me, and I am suspecting I'm undiagnosed on the AS. But he could be more extreme on alexithymia than I am.
Sandra- I really want to give you some very serious advice from someone who has been with someone who has been dedicated to me for almost 20 years and has ASD- I think you should leave and find someone else. I wouldn’t wish this situation on my worst enemy.
These relationships are more often than not extremely challenging (to put it politely) for both partners but essentially the NT.... I think it was for the best for each of you that things didn't go so well early on... as it gives you insight into the confusion and communication clashes and misaligned needs which are lifelong. Been with my man 8yrs, they have not been good for either of us, it's a battle and challenge best avoided. I'm being as diplomatic as I can. Love is merely the glue that keeps disfunction together.
I’m recently diagnosed. I find that I don’t take comments negatively at all. As I never really know what’s meant I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and ask people for further clarification on how they meant things. Unfortunately people don’t like being questioned though.
Very well said. I tell you what happens in my opinion.
They don't like being questioned because mostly when they attack you...or criticise you with pretext of "correcting" you.
..they do it all as a reactive way..they will attack..they will make a projection(subconscious reaction where a person get triggered...they start imagining their suppressed issues manifested in others.. they attack their own demons through attacking others) ...etc ..
the moment you ask them to clarify..you are asking them to put words on something thats a weakness in them..hidden and abstract and theyre unaware of.....or...on an insecurity they have suppressed..which they deal with it through being rude...offensive...accusing you of disrespect...
Often the reasons to their reactions are not conscious ...they just know you are wrong and they have the right to be mad....
when you calmly ask them to explain...you're forcing them to talk about a side they are not conscious of...and they get extremely uncomfortable...Because "projections" is mainly a defense mechanism ppl use to create distance between oneself and the deoms inside..they are protective mechanism..i have hidden demons ....i attack them in 'you' instead...to alleviate their impact....through judging you..correcting you...using the fact that u seem vulnerable socially so i bombard you with criticism...etc......now you ask me to explain all that.... and you put the light on me..
its a vulnerable state as they about to discover that its them who have an unresolved issue...and in response to it..they either deal with it by blaming you..or exaggerating a faux pas you've done to use you further as "punch bag."..
then u innocently ask them to explain..and they are faced with the truth that definitely their reaction is a sign of a problem they have..not you..
they don't like questions because questions reveal to them that their problem is way bigger then yours.
@@AspieMoonWoman thankyou, that’s pretty much how I read it too. I’ve tried suggesting that to my nt wife( the person I know who reacts the worst to questions) and she couldn’t actually deny it, although she didn’t admit it either. Her reaction did confirm the theory for me though. What complicates it further is they assume you are doing the same as them and no amount of talk gets them to understand that there is zero subtext with me and the only meaning I’m trying to communicate is the one that is the literal meaning of the words I’ve chosen, they always say ‘but you are having a go at me’ or something similarly when actually I’m only making an observation with no judgement implied.
It's not unusual or not unheard of for many male aspies to be 30-year-old virgins or more
Well, my aspie husband had paid sex before. It's fairly common in Asia, because pre marital sex is still a taboo and men have to release their desire else where. Also, his social skill with female is just below the average...
AsD’s CAN LEARN BETTER SOCIAL SKILLS. My son has and continues to do so. He does not use anxiety as and excuse, nor his autism. He overcomes. He doesn’t say he can’t do any better.
My son did the same thing. Once he was diagnosed in his teens, we went to the library and got all the books on Asperegers they had. And then he started practicing facial expressions in the mirror. He dove right in and said OK, what can I do to change what I can, so I can succeed in life.
The thing with this is that it is likely he is high masking. He learns the behaviors to imitate, and to his credit is something that a decent chunk of autistic people arent even really capable of doing themselves, but it does not come naturally to him. It will always be below par compared to the NT. It is also likely a falsehood to blend in and when pushed too far he will crack and that threshold is a lower than you or most people. He will lead a better life because of his ability to do this, should he know his limits.
Masking without daily recovery time leads to a lifetime cycle of burnout, where even simple tasks are overwhelming, and meltdowns happen over very trivial things that they had no problem with before. Burnout lasts from a few days to months or years. I’m 53 yo and just now learning to unmask so I can stop the cycle. I mask when appropriate, but will limit my social time, no matter how much I enjoy it. I will look goofy wearing sunglasses at night in stores, but choose not to wear them when with my wife in social situations. If I mask more, I will need more recovery time. It can be anywhere between 1 and 3 hours depending on activity and insufficient downtime in previous days. Downtime cannot be had within 1 hour of sleep, which is used for processing choices and social interaction of the day (what we should have done or said now that we had time to think about it and what we will do next time in a similar situation.) Without this downtime and an early dose of melatonin (many of us have delayed natural release) sleep at a reasonable time is difficult. Without downtime before bed, we will wake up in the morning already in a stressful state.
Quality time at 37 mins… absolutely word for word… sitting on her iPhone in the same room at the other end of the couch, one armed hugs. I would say to her that I might as well be a piece of furniture.
That energy field thing and vibrational energy is real!- for us it has taken YEARS to form but it’s been a back and forth responses occurring or not occurring to make it happen but it
These videos are a God send. I am relieved to finally know that my husband has this. ( he needs to get diagnosed first). I am a very very understanding human but I knew that something was just not right and I know that I deserve much better than the hurtful behavior i was getting. We've been focused on his trauma for all these years, no one has ever suggested hfa. Dr can my husband reach out to you via email as a starting point?
You are so welcome
WowI love my husband , he got an honorable discharge from the Navy in the late 60s for a diagnosis they gave him of schzoid personality. He sure like me always worked loved at work. I didn’t believe the diagnosis until my son was diagnosed with Aspergers which is what my husband thinks he has. We have six kids married 43 years. It was hard on my kids that he didn’t talk to them enough, He’s had 3 concussions on his bike. The strongest trait I’ve seen in him is stubbornness. If I can get him to go to a Neurologist I will write a book. Grace and mercy I have.
Thank you for your videos, very insightful.
More longer vids like this is very helpful in Putting the pieces together
Noted!
@@markhutten have u prepared a vid to help with a way to create space for physical intimacy in an ASD / NT relationship? I feel like I'm searching for a needle in a haystack. No one really talks about this. There has to be some approaches that are useful ! Despite Cassandra Syndrome, I believe wives or husbands want to be intimate physically but one we discover the disconnect, it's difficult to approach the one with ASD. Withholding physical intimacy in resentment or hurt seems counter productive long term. Any tips or stories from others would be vey helpful because the oxytocin and dopamine would possibly benefit both partners❣️
My ASD husband and I over years time have been to 5-6 different marriage counselors and have had no luck!! I now understand why it did not work, he has aspergers and we need a counselor that specializes in this.
Can you/do you have any info on finding one in our area? (Pasadena, Tx) I’ve personally been to two who say they have “training” in this area and low and behold they do not!!! I’m having no luck finding us someone to help in our struggles. I am desperate!!
I do online counseling - and I have groups that start next week - www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
I am also in your area (HTX) and looking for the same. Not married yet just trying to figure out if its something we can work with. Regular counselor is not helping. Let me know if you find or recommend someone. Will do same. Thanks!
I feel you. It just feels like he isn't learning and unable to change. So stubborn and keep running his robotic brain like a window's 97
Reading the comments reminds me why I don't associate with NTs -- most of them are just so black-hearted
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I've actually never reacted on any video ever but just felt the need to do so right now. I Just got out of a 3 year long relationship with a wonderful neurodiverse man. He also felt misunderstood and judged by most neutorypicals. But he loved and still loves me and I will allways love him. I Just wanted to tell you this: " Just because the most NT's that react seem black-hearted, it could Just be their way of expressing they were hurt. I agree that it's terrible but Just want to remind you that not even most neurotypicals are black-hearted. Maybe the most outspoken ones in the comment section seem like they are, but i promise you, there are a lot of good-hearted NT's. I don't say this to disregard your feelings. It just breaks my heart to see you turning bitter because other people can act bitter. I wish you all the best and hope you have people who love and understand you in your life.
As an ASD man I am painfully aware of the radical differences between me and nt's but it seems to me that they don't quite believe how very different we are...we somehow must be being awkward or a jerk.
Oh, I believe it! I believe ASD people are different, which is not negative, every human is. I think the awkward or jerk misconceptions by nts imo are based on the appearance of lack of trying to provide clear explanations or helpful insight of those differences that cause miscommunications by the ASD partner. Neither NT or ASD can read minds, but NTs tend to try to understand and explain with words in many cases to figure out where the problem is in order to address it. Over years, I've been met with denial or more misunderstandings from my asd husband when trying to address anything and it is NEVER helpful. Denying what has been observed by the NT only creates more issues and bitter resentment. Also, doesn't help when ASD later realizes that NT was accurate in the observation and it was never a personal attack to begin with. Humble pie served fresh everyday to both NT and ASD is the only thing I've found to help, slightly. It should be OBVIOUS to both that NO ONE knows everything, this is something I say outloud all the time because it is true. There is no shame in admitting I don't know something or if I fall short, but my ASD husband struggles with this. It isn't about being right or wrong to me (NT), but finding solutions without either NT or ASD being a jerk!
@@Alphacentauri819 You are correct and one of the few nt's who seem to get that this is a two way thing.As an ASD man I often find the way nt's behave very rude and offensive.Being part of the 98% confers tremendous advantages on nt's that they just take for granted.
...which is why calling us mind-blind is a double-standard. They expect us to know what they're thinking but not them knowing what we're thinking. Aspies often know best what other aspies are thinking because they're similar minded.
@@timjung640 Yes it is a massive double standard.
@@ckfodel thissss 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I tend to think I'm lucky because I get so much of what my partners experience is because I have ADHD, so the differences in us are not diametrically opposed and I'm finding the accomodations very easy to shift and am enjoying learning how to shift my communication style.
Is there more informatie about this combination? Asd& adhd couple?
Very very helpful vdieo, thank you 🙏🏼
You’re welcome 😊
Hey sir Hutten!
Very interesting videos, especially after having had lessons with autistic students myself.
Maybe you want to talk in one of your next videos about the very subtle difference of a neurotypical asshole man and an AS - man since both behaviors seem quite masculine to me. Both parties don’t care what others think. Both only do their own thing. But why is the asshole much more successful in relationships than the AS man despite very similar emotional let-downs?
Would very much appreciate if you would discuss this one day in one of your very informative videos! 😊
Cheers, sir and thanks for your effort for humanity!
Your sincerely,
Clemens & Jammy
Is there much difference if it was the wife who is Aspie? Are there any presentations on relationship issues for the NT husband?
Do you have videos or playlists for people that are both ND or where female ASD? Because RUclips keeps recommending your video that talks about NT Female with ASD Male to me. Thx.
My 71 Aspergers gf of 4 yrs has many traits that I love. She lives in the present moment so will say little about how she feels about our future together. She is not verbally affectionate and says that the 5 Love Languages is stupid. What can I do to open her up more personally and about what she wants to get out of our relationship? She loves me big time and shows it by her behavior
Can you discuss relationships with a NT male and an Aspie female? I feel like the situation is significantly different.
Not by much !
I'd watch TF outta that. I identify more with female ASD traits
Me too! Having a hard time meeting his expectations. He has no idea how hard I'm shifting self to meet him on his terms.
@@innovationsanonymous8841 YT channel Mom on the Spectrum has a couple videos with her NT husband
I have Asperger’s and ADD and I’ve been talking to a guy who was diagnosed with ADD but I’m sure he’s on the spectrum as well. I feel we’ll be fine cause I need a lot of space and don’t wanna always be around him and I’m sure even tho he’s always wanting to be around me it’ll eventually change which I’m fine with. I like him a lot but I know what I need early on and I know what to expect from him.
I feel like we’re not even in the same book much of the time!
Is there any video similar to this for relationships when the woman is the one with ASD? I took a look but perhaps I missed it.
reverse genders... and you got it.
Oh my gosh! I’m such a data dumper! I find myself to be a very understanding wife but I’ve been approaching this all wrong! He can be very very emotionally abusive. How do I be a loving n understanding wife for someone where life is hard for them as it is- and not loose myself in the process?
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship? Where both are willing to learn n grow?
I'm hf aspergers with a nt wife. I think it is possible. I found a relationship counselor that specializes in aspergers. The channel owner does counseling. It's great that you are both willing to try, I know it will be taking huge effort on your behalf and it's hard on him too. Keep going 👍
How to converse with a non-diagnosed partner/friend about getting diagnosed and therapy. I have been advised not to bring up the subject.
👍
My Northern Territory wife from Australia…
Every male might have ASD…
Jokes aside, great video as usual.
If a ASD man does not like connection, why he marries a NT woman who needs connection?
Because all human beings need and desire connection. However in general, men are not always willing to change their behaviors because of socialization and lack of consequences -- once consequences come into play they're more likely to do inner work to improve themselves
7:54
I like your videos but don't get why the emphasis is on the man there are female ASD partners out there too
Because mostly men have Aspergers.
It’s because masculinity is much more capable in dealing with emotional let-downs than femininity. Also, between 90 and 99,5% of his (URGENT) customers are females feeling emotionally isolated by their AS partner.
NT Wright is a Christian apologist, he’s definitely NT.
I love your videos and find them extremely helpful and informative but why do you always refer to them as female NT and male ASD/Aspie? There's also females ASD in relationships with males NT and plenty LGBTQ relationships too. Why not just refer to them as NT partner and ASD/Aspie partner? I think a lot of people will feel more included/represented that way. Otherwise great job!! And thanks.
As an NT male married to a ASD female I can firmly state that there are a lot of major differences in the relationship dynamic and needs a very different approach. Some of what is presented here is applicable and helpful, much is not applicable to the NT male/ASD female marriage.
@@christophernaujok425 Hi Christopher, thanks for your reply. I understand what you're saying, but I was not just refering to this video I was more referring to all the videos he makes, as he always says NT wife ASD husband. In ALL his videos.
I use the autistic man and the NT wife in my videos because that’s 99% of the people that reach out to me. That’s my client base. NT Husbands seem to do pretty good on their own and rarely reach out for outside assistance. The same is true for autistic women who often fly under the radar because they blend in very well.
@@mayatara1980 you know it wouldn't take much work to generalize and flip the genders around. In other words when you hear my videos, just reverse the gender roles in your mind.
@@markhutten Thanks Mark for your honest reply, and it is the reality of the situation. ASD is about five times as common in men as in women and far fewer women get a diagnosis as the presentation is relatively mild. Unfortunately, that is a huge part of the problem, as without a diagnosis all the NT husband knows is that his marriage turned to a hell-on-earth situation in year two for no apparent reason and all attempts to fix it just make it worse. I would posit that, based on the statistic that 80-90% of NT/ASD marriages end within five years for NT females with ASD males, the divorce rate for NT males with ASD females is probably well above 95%, making any such long term marriages like mine extremely rare. We went 30 years before we stumbled upon her having ASD, 30 years of not knowing what or why things were the way they were nor any clue of how to fix it. Now we have an understanding of the what and why, but also the understanding that there really is no way to "fix" it. I'm honestly not sure which is worse; clueless but with hope, or understanding and hopeless.