It’s so sad how the HFA brain kills love over time. I watch my son who started out with the “task” to get his wife to fall in love with him. He hyper-focused on her like he does any project. But as the years have gone by he’s given less and less as she’s tried to address her need to connect more and more like you’ve said here in the video. She feels if he could do all the things he did while they dated, he should be able to keep doing them at some level on a consistent basis. They’ve made it 9 years, but she’s looking more and more despondent and has developed vague heath issues, just like you said. She also has a low-burning anger that he didn’t tell her he was HFA before they married. He feels she boxes him into corners trying to get him to think and feel things he doesn’t. So they cycle over and over with build up to a meltdown crescendo when chaos fills the house (3 kids), and then a fairly long period of retreating to their own corners of silent, guarded co-existence. They cycle about 3-4 times a year. Yes, they’ve been to counseling, but they don’t stick with it and neither one seems willing/able to change patterns of thinking/behaving. They just justify themselves and blame the other. We had our son in counseling from age twelve until he married at age 31. He says he was in counseling my whole life and has worked on himself till he feels he’s done more than his share of changing…he wants her to work on herself at least as long as he’s worked on himself. Indeed, he’s come a long way over the years and he’s tired of feeling “flawed.” But needs are not wants-they’re essential to some level. If her need for emotional intimacy was water, she’s dying of thirst. He thinks she shouldn’t need water because he doesn’t, or can be just fine on a couple swallows every now and then. He understands empathy logically, but cringes at trying to apply something he “forces” himself to express-he feels he’s lying and being fake. So it’s definitely not an easy road for either one to have a rewarding relationship. I know my daughter-in-law has stayed this long only because of the kids and the security from above-average income. I’m proud of her and I feel for her. I feel for both of them. I feel for the little ones most of all. Thanks for your insights. Thank you for helping.
Grace, thank you for this. It perfectly describes my relationship with my Aspie husband, especially the thought of your DIL staying for their kids (we have 2 boys). It was so comforting to hear I'm not alone in my experience.
@@ncmamabear7380 you’re welcome. It’s a sacred journey if you let God go with you. It isn’t easy, and it’s long. But I’ve learned so much about vows and about deep, deep levels of love that can be found even when you aren’t IN love any more. I’ve learned how to look inward at myself, applying research that helps my husband and to not give into the gratification of button-pushing that made me feel empowered for a moment but was selfish and mean. For me, staying has made me a better me, and I’m really enjoying watching the butterfly emerging in my husband now. I glad I held on, but I admit that I could not have done so without God walking beside me.
Thank you for sharing this in a way that is caring and thoughtful for both your son and daughter in law. They are lucky to have you understand this so well and not forcing them to do one way that just favours your son.
Met and married in 3 months.....whew, it's been a ride for the past year. The meltdowns are difficult for me. As a mental health therapist, I still feel like I'm at work even when I'm off. Ive been exhausted all year, but God is keeping me and helping me to apply a lot of grace, a lot!
Relationship was great in beginning, been together for a few years got married, noticed something was wrong, couldn't put my finger on it. Then it clicked, its Aspergers. Males sense but still a nightmare, he shuts me out when I discuss unresolved issues & try to show wro g ways of thinking. He doesnt share with me emotionally, I'm tired of being married to a big kid. I need alot of grace cause I've told God I dont know of I can deal with this for the rest of my life, it's very lonely.
I can relate to the tittle of this video. My past relationships were with narcissists NEUROTYPICAL men, those were VERY SAD and challenging relationships. Thank goodness, my fiancé is autistic as I am and we understand each other very well. I’ve never felt so understood, loved, respected, and much more. There lots of sex, affection, and communication. Weird? Not at all, we are in the same page and we both have ups and down like human beings do.
As an asby I have a really hard time with this being a “disorder” instead of a different way of being. I think these assessments are accurate but also make me feel very hopeless and exhausted.
Speaking as the man on the spectrum...I love my wife more than anything under God. We are going on 13 years married, and I can say definitively that numbers confound me and I despise calculus...however there is no greater cause to me under the sun than learning to arithmitate, so I can be what my wife deserves...but man its so hard. I find myself in tears when I'm by myself because I can see myself acting in such a manner, and being a man of strong conviction I feel so powerless to stop it...every tear I see my wife cry convicts me in ways that words fail in describing. She is my queen...my wife...my lover and my soul mate...I'd do anything for her...including learning math which I absolutely despise...
@@Omar-gr7km it has been a while since I watched this video, but I believe if I'm not mistaken that the comparison was made as calculus. I think it had to do something with the neurospicy neurotypical relationship. It was more of a euphemism than literal.
@@Omar-gr7km he’s saying HE needs to learn “math” to a calculus level as a metaphor for trying to learn the complexities of a happy relationship for his wife. He hates the whole subject of relationship needs and adjustments, and feels it’s very difficult to comprehend…just like calculus is for him. His brain can’t wrap itself around seemingly incomprehensible complexities regarding her needs and their conflict resolutions.
I have suspected HFA due to waiting on mental health services to get back to me about further testing but with a lifetime of these symptoms. After watching a lot of content like this, it's been very helpful realising how much of my life has been affected by this disorder. However, and especially after a two year relationship I was in just ended, hearing so many of the traits I've exhibited and the way they seem to inevitably result in pain, anger, and hurt feelings on both sides, it's hard not to be really depressed. I find it hard not to have a really bleak outlook for the rest of my life when it comes to relationships- how can anyone love me (or other HFA men) given the emotional distance between NT men and women, let alone someone with HFA? It does sound like a curse 😢
My bf thinks I am supposed to be a robot he can just put me on a shelf while he takes space for an indefinite amount of time. I was fine with that until he just stopped texting me, making me worry because he's depressed. He seems to think I'm a robot who doesn't mind going without affection sex or even regular texting for however long he wants to be alone.
This is exactly how my boyfriend is.😔 I always refer to myself as his toy doll… he can play with me when he wants and then he puts me back on the shelf until he’s ready to play with me again. He’s so task oriented and completely absorbed in his work (as he sees this as a means to an end… he’s in the Army and constantly working towards a promotion). The harder he works on tasks, the more financially lucrative it is for him so this creates a drive. But unless he wants someone to hang out with, physical connection, or sex, I am just kind of a burden. Yet, give him a 2 months and he’s ready to invest again. Or if he thinks I’m headed out the door, I’m now his next task and he feels obligated to have a weekend date with me to make sure I don’t leave. I know he loves me because he demonstrates it through acts of service and physical touch (he does not like touch but he does it for me, to meet my need). But when we are at great distance (as we are now during his career school), he acts like I don’t exist until he absolutely needs connection. Otherwise he just sits around by himself, doing school work, pacing his apartment, or camping by himself. He’s so isolated.
I'm an asd guy trying to figure out my marriage and listening to these has helped me a lot. I've had to just stop a lot of things I'm interested in for the time being but it's better than fighting all the time
Spot on! You could be talking about my relationship with my husband! I’d never heard or experienced Asperger’s and was searching online because of the behaviour of his, then, 4 year old granddaughter … it took a very long time but eventually I had that lightbulb moment and realised that it wasn’t just his granddaughter but him too.
I neeeeed an explanation exactly like this, but it n Japanese. My Japanese wife matches this description of a high-functioning ASD. It’s so hard to not forget that her behaviors are not because she doesn’t care about me. She just isn’t able to “see”. But even that’s so hard to accept.
I can empathize with you all. I have just come out of what I believe was a ND relationship. I was really bubbly at the start (probably what attracted him to me). After the usual stuff people find in relationships with ASD - lack of reciprocity, absolutely no flirting, him only being able to converse about his special interests and conversations mainly being lectures/him giving knowledge rather than just conversing over and back, not to mention sooo many communication misinterpretations), my light went off and I almost became a bit like him which can apparently happen, guessing as a coping mechanism. I went to therapy and got my light back mainly by having so much of my own stuff going on, I had zero expectations from the relationship so I couldn’t be disappointed. It sounds depressing but actually, was so freeing and empowering. It didn’t work out in the end because he would not commit to me after 3yrs so I felt I had to walk as I had been so sure about him for a long time. He also wasn’t willing to do anything about his uncertainly so I felt like I didn’t really have a choice. If you choose to stay in the relationship, Try to remember what in your life gave you joy before you met him, maybe try volunteering - that way emotional needs might get met, involve yourself more with friends, again, another Avenue for emotional connection. That sort of stuff helped me.
@@eliz9489 I used to like to volunteer before I met my potentially AS partner. When I told her about what pride I took in it, she scoffed at me and told me how "useless" and "what a waste of time" it was.
Everything fits. Just found out this may be his problem yesterday on one of Mark's videos. 44 years marriage and I wondered why I could barely bring up any topic without him driving me to anger. I believe his calm stubbornness gave him the upper hand he wanted. also teaching me to leave him alone because he would frustrate me anyway. We saw a marriage counselor two different periods in our live and he put on the act of being NT. His concrete thinking makes it hard to talk about projected events, etc. It's a living nightmare. I though he was narcissist but maybe both?? I have bipolar and he doesn't show much respect my deficits.
@@robalexanderhealth7763 I’ve considered it but he’s a really nice person; dependable. We have different friends and interest so we stay out of each other’s way. I’m learning i have to change my behavior to keep the peace. He can’t really help a lot of it. I never dare tell him. So I make it work. God knows what kind of person I might attract 🫤
ANytime he encounters any sort of explanation as to why he behaves the way he does - he sees it as vindication to behave badly. how about doing an episode about that.....
My sentiments, exactly. I don't think we all realise how blessed we are to be able to to have him in our lives, helping us, both ASD and NT partners. Thank you Mark. I truly appreciate you.
32 yrs of marriage, less than 5 yrs finding out he has aspergers! I believe he is getting worse as time goes on. Can this be?? Mentally I’m depressed my health is getting bad I’m lonely and he does not think anything is wrong with him!! Our adult children even see it and are losing respect for him because of the way(s) he is acting. He won’t get help!!! Don’t want to leave but honestly don’t see any other way to be happy in life……
I also am in this same situation. I've been married for 34 years and we found out he had AS 10 years ago. I have learned to communicate through books and Dr. Hutten. It's a daily battle to communicate right and speak to him right. It's hard! My brain feels overloaded. I just want you to know your not alone. 💚
@@toska3333 yes I agree. I would never trade my husband for anything in the world. We made a commitment to each other for better or for worse. Learning that I was not alone was important mentally for me. Learning how to work together is important but it starts with Learning in depth what AS is for yourself. Not understanding is a major issue and leads to divorce for alot of couples. My husband is my life and I wouldn't change that for the world. So I say it again. You are not alone. There are many NT wives out there.
My man is the exact same way!!! It’s always EVERYONE ELSE..... and never him, in his mind! He is a downright GENIUS in many areas though and he can literally fix damn near ANYTHING!!! He started a successful marine engine repair business and he takes really good care of me. However, emotionally things are lacking. I don’t want to criticize them or act like something is wrong with him per se, I just want him to admit that he is different than the rest of us and that therefore we have to learn how to do things differently. Instead, I just hear about how everyone else is stupid all the time and whenever things go wrong in the slightest, he freaks and looks for someone to blame. And we live on a boat and travel a lot so even though he can fix anything that happens pretty much, when our boat broke down last night instead of dropping the anchor immediately and then figuring out what to do in a rational manner, he starts yelling at me, yelling at the boaters passing us, blaming the poor girls at the gas dock who filled us up earlier (cuz he told them to stop each tank at exactly 25 gallons each and they did- I was standing right there, he just didn’t hear us and kept going for another 3 gallons and then switched the lines to even them out while we were underway cuz he is a total perfectionist! Then, forgot to switch it back so we ran out of fuel in one of our 2 tanks!), anyway, he was cussing out the people in talking to on the phone and the radio while I’m still asking for help, assuming that they won’t help us and went on and on and on for four hours! Even long after we got the engines started, got home, docked AND had dinner! He was STILL going on!!! And that’s just NOT healthy or safe, so I can’t just ignore it!!! But I’m at a total loss. I have no idea how to speak to him so that he remains calm and understands that I’m not attacking or criticizing him, just trying to find a solution to a very serious issue. He is the captain of this vessel and our lives are in his hands every time we go out. That’s all! It’s important!!! Honestly, I let so much go. I’ve really learned to pick my battles, as I’m sure you have as well! So I completely understand and I just want you to know that it’s not just you, you are not crazy (even though sometimes I’m sure you feel like you are!!! Cuz I do too!!!) I’m on here for the exact same reason you are- just trying to help my marriage and to figure out what to do and how to communicate with what definitely seems like an impossible man at times!!!!
Lmao yeah it's their fault for being normal and not disregulated. Btw the relationship you're hoping for are some of the most violent and abusive relationships you can land in. Good luck with your life
@@bluecasey270 that most autistic people are violent and abusive and when you get a relationship with both being ND it is a volatile situation as neither of them are capable of not being compassionate or see any other options. Autism has a 75 % overlap with narcissism and those relationships are just heavenly... lmao 🤣
@@bluecasey270 I am glad you have found this. Neither is 'better'. It is like a windows and a Mac. It makes sense that your interface with other processing systems more like yours would have more ease and we ALL deserve that, NT and ND alike
Omg @ 18 min that's my husband. It's all me, nothing wrong with him. Not saying anything is "wrong", just that he might have autism and that's why communication is so hard and he gets ulster so quick. Our son and daughter were both diagnosed. I'm willing to get diagnosed as well. 22 min is him too.
So I have high empathy, where does that put me where I base my emotions especially in my relationship by trying to read others emotions. It seems it ls a double edge sword with mind blindness etc.. because alot like you said I read my spouse wrong.. and react or I give in because I want her happy putting aside what I want.. which is dangerous I guess I'm here trying to understand and communicate better and I can see how all this has led her to being depressed, abrasive, etc. Which I am super sensitive to and very emotional
Are there any resources for an NT husband dealing with an AS wife? Some of this is applicable, but there are other unique issues that are radically different and so far all my searching has only found resources or support for NT wives/AS husbands.
It's so hard. I had an AS partner, the relationship fell apart in a horrible way. I have spent years reading trying to understand what on earth happened, and I find it exhausting for the literature to constantly be pitched that the woman is the NT. I feel horribly under represented. If you want someone to talk to about this, please feel free to reply here, I will trade experiences with you.
I'm here reading comments because I'm a NT man in a relationship with a potentially AS woman. She's expressed that she thinks she may be AS but refuses to get dx or look much deeper into it. I've been researching and it's been frustrating to see that there appears to be an emphasis on the difference between AS men and AS women, and then the only neurodiverse relationship advice seems to be geared towards AS men with NT women. At the end of the day though I suppose I feel very similarly to NT wives of AS husbands.
What about aspie-ADHD, aspie-aspie, or aspie-PD (personality disorder) relationships? There doesn't seem to be many accounts of relationships in which both partners are ND.
I am a man who has many traits of aspergers my sister has been diagnosed with it but I don't think I'm as bad with it as she is Could you my give my female partner some advice on how to cope with arguments and daily life and a strategy to help resolve matters thanks
How do you convince your daughters born in this situation that there are men who love their wives and marriage is good and it isn't a disadvantage to be a woman?
I am concerned about this, too. I have kind of gone off the idea of marriage... When the topic comes up, I immediately have a "careful! That's dangerous!" reaction, which isn't great because I'm trying to help three kids get a healthy view of the world.
What to do when children are involved? My husband didn’t know he had ASD, and looking back we now realize he masked for the first three years of our relationship (basically dating until first child). Everything changed then, with more meltdowns, anxiety, and just frankly saying to me “I don’t care about that” when I try to discuss topics of interest to me. There is no affection and his special interests involve the majority of his day, with perhaps 30 minutes spent with family a day. He doesn’t help out with child raising and has to be asked to get up, to do things etc. Gets easily frustrated at our son when he exhibits normal childhood behaviour or emotions, and frankly expects him to have more emotional regulation and maturity than he has as a 30 year old man. I see many women commented here that they stayed for their children, but is this good for them? Emotional neglect can’t not good for the child either.. which is “worse” emotional neglect from a parent sitting right in front of them, or a parent who lives outside the home?
I didn't tell anyone I was autistic, because I didn't know. But I also don't see why I should have to. My traits are my traits; assigning them a label makes no material difference. Why would neurotypicals simply assume each person they meet is like them? That's dehumanizing, and more than a little offensive. It behooves me to get to know you - the individual - and it behooves you to do the same. Neither of us gets to decide that the other's behaviour is somehow incorrect just because it does or doesn't resemble the behaviour of third parties who are not in this relationship. There are two of us in this relationship. Neither of us will ever have a majority position, and thus neither of our opinions should ever be given more weight.
This is why you shouldn't get into relationships, it will be a no brainer for most good women who are neurotypical to be overly considerate, understanding, communicative, loving, and more aware of your faults and how to change them than you are. Your neurodivergence literally means your brain is wired differently and can very well manifest as gaslighting of her feelings, not understanding when she is being literal, dismissing her feelings all in the name of "we're all different" -- we are all different, but neurotypicals brain wiring is the same and neorodivervent brains can be on vastly different frequencies than their spouses -- the only couples who survives are ones that acknowledge that and work with it -- not ones that dismiss the differences.
I would argue it is important for potential partners to know you have ASD so they are not blindsided and wondering what the heck is going on. Your partner will be able to communicate and work with you better knowing your condition. Hiding it is not always a good option either because it is secretive and can certainly cause trust issues.
It’s so sad how the HFA brain kills love over time. I watch my son who started out with the “task” to get his wife to fall in love with him. He hyper-focused on her like he does any project. But as the years have gone by he’s given less and less as she’s tried to address her need to connect more and more like you’ve said here in the video. She feels if he could do all the things he did while they dated, he should be able to keep doing them at some level on a consistent basis. They’ve made it 9 years, but she’s looking more and more despondent and has developed vague heath issues, just like you said. She also has a low-burning anger that he didn’t tell her he was HFA before they married. He feels she boxes him into corners trying to get him to think and feel things he doesn’t. So they cycle over and over with build up to a meltdown crescendo when chaos fills the house (3 kids), and then a fairly long period of retreating to their own corners of silent, guarded co-existence. They cycle about 3-4 times a year. Yes, they’ve been to counseling, but they don’t stick with it and neither one seems willing/able to change patterns of thinking/behaving. They just justify themselves and blame the other. We had our son in counseling from age twelve until he married at age 31. He says he was in counseling my whole life and has worked on himself till he feels he’s done more than his share of changing…he wants her to work on herself at least as long as he’s worked on himself. Indeed, he’s come a long way over the years and he’s tired of feeling “flawed.” But needs are not wants-they’re essential to some level. If her need for emotional intimacy was water, she’s dying of thirst. He thinks she shouldn’t need water because he doesn’t, or can be just fine on a couple swallows every now and then. He understands empathy logically, but cringes at trying to apply something he “forces” himself to express-he feels he’s lying and being fake. So it’s definitely not an easy road for either one to have a rewarding relationship. I know my daughter-in-law has stayed this long only because of the kids and the security from above-average income. I’m proud of her and I feel for her. I feel for both of them. I feel for the little ones most of all. Thanks for your insights. Thank you for helping.
Grace, thank you for this. It perfectly describes my relationship with my Aspie husband, especially the thought of your DIL staying for their kids (we have 2 boys). It was so comforting to hear I'm not alone in my experience.
@@ncmamabear7380 you’re welcome. It’s a sacred journey if you let God go with you. It isn’t easy, and it’s long. But I’ve learned so much about vows and about deep, deep levels of love that can be found even when you aren’t IN love any more. I’ve learned how to look inward at myself, applying research that helps my husband and to not give into the gratification of button-pushing that made me feel empowered for a moment but was selfish and mean. For me, staying has made me a better me, and I’m really enjoying watching the butterfly emerging in my husband now. I glad I held on, but I admit that I could not have done so without God walking beside me.
@@ggrace1133 I’ve become a better friend through this journey.
@@2011hib I’m happy to hear that!
Thank you for sharing this in a way that is caring and thoughtful for both your son and daughter in law. They are lucky to have you understand this so well and not forcing them to do one way that just favours your son.
Met and married in 3 months.....whew, it's been a ride for the past year. The meltdowns are difficult for me. As a mental health therapist, I still feel like I'm at work even when I'm off. Ive been exhausted all year, but God is keeping me and helping me to apply a lot of grace, a lot!
Get out while u can
Girl you better get out before the ptsd sets in. You deserve to be happy
Vanessa, I see why many folks are bitter, but your path of grace will hopefully help bring you more joy in the long run.
Relationship was great in beginning, been together for a few years got married, noticed something was wrong, couldn't put my finger on it. Then it clicked, its Aspergers. Males sense but still a nightmare, he shuts me out when I discuss unresolved issues & try to show wro g ways of thinking. He doesnt share with me emotionally, I'm tired of being married to a big kid. I need alot of grace cause I've told God I dont know of I can deal with this for the rest of my life, it's very lonely.
I hope things work out better for you than most of us. Please take care of yourself first.
I can relate to the tittle of this video. My past relationships were with narcissists NEUROTYPICAL men, those were VERY SAD and challenging relationships. Thank goodness, my fiancé is autistic as I am and we understand each other very well. I’ve never felt so understood, loved, respected, and much more. There lots of sex, affection, and communication. Weird? Not at all, we are in the same page and we both have ups and down like human beings do.
You’re happy because you’re with another person who doesn’t need love. And you’re each other’s cold consistent special interests.
@@user-uv2xf3oy1d Wow. How about being happy for their successful relationship?
@@user-uv2xf3oy1d Are you happy? If not, two bits of advice: assume less, judge less.
I am neurotypical with dismissive attachment disorder my husband is Asperger’s, we get on super well . We know when to give each other space .
@@user-uv2xf3oy1dwhat a discusting comment.
As an asby I have a really hard time with this being a “disorder” instead of a different way of being. I think these assessments are accurate but also make me feel very hopeless and exhausted.
Speaking as the man on the spectrum...I love my wife more than anything under God. We are going on 13 years married, and I can say definitively that numbers confound me and I despise calculus...however there is no greater cause to me under the sun than learning to arithmitate, so I can be what my wife deserves...but man its so hard. I find myself in tears when I'm by myself because I can see myself acting in such a manner, and being a man of strong conviction I feel so powerless to stop it...every tear I see my wife cry convicts me in ways that words fail in describing. She is my queen...my wife...my lover and my soul mate...I'd do anything for her...including learning math which I absolutely despise...
Why does she need you to learn (or rather, be good at?) math? Genuinely curious
@@Omar-gr7km it has been a while since I watched this video, but I believe if I'm not mistaken that the comparison was made as calculus. I think it had to do something with the neurospicy neurotypical relationship. It was more of a euphemism than literal.
@@HouseofDavidonscene 20:42 - He said that the relationship has got so complicated that it's like doing calculus.
@@Omar-gr7km he’s saying HE needs to learn “math” to a calculus level as a metaphor for trying to learn the complexities of a happy relationship for his wife. He hates the whole subject of relationship needs and adjustments, and feels it’s very difficult to comprehend…just like calculus is for him. His brain can’t wrap itself around seemingly incomprehensible complexities regarding her needs and their conflict resolutions.
I have suspected HFA due to waiting on mental health services to get back to me about further testing but with a lifetime of these symptoms.
After watching a lot of content like this, it's been very helpful realising how much of my life has been affected by this disorder.
However, and especially after a two year relationship I was in just ended, hearing so many of the traits I've exhibited and the way they seem to inevitably result in pain, anger, and hurt feelings on both sides, it's hard not to be really depressed. I find it hard not to have a really bleak outlook for the rest of my life when it comes to relationships- how can anyone love me (or other HFA men) given the emotional distance between NT men and women, let alone someone with HFA?
It does sound like a curse 😢
I'm sure you will find grace. The rule of the game in this planet is impermanence.
My bf thinks I am supposed to be a robot he can just put me on a shelf while he takes space for an indefinite amount of time. I was fine with that until he just stopped texting me, making me worry because he's depressed. He seems to think I'm a robot who doesn't mind going without affection sex or even regular texting for however long he wants to be alone.
Yep. Exactly
Yup. Run and choose yourself.
Sounds like the wrong relationship for you. Choose yourself, and choose happiness.
My husband exactly. Get out while you can. He won't change
This is exactly how my boyfriend is.😔 I always refer to myself as his toy doll… he can play with me when he wants and then he puts me back on the shelf until he’s ready to play with me again. He’s so task oriented and completely absorbed in his work (as he sees this as a means to an end… he’s in the Army and constantly working towards a promotion). The harder he works on tasks, the more financially lucrative it is for him so this creates a drive. But unless he wants someone to hang out with, physical connection, or sex, I am just kind of a burden. Yet, give him a 2 months and he’s ready to invest again. Or if he thinks I’m headed out the door, I’m now his next task and he feels obligated to have a weekend date with me to make sure I don’t leave. I know he loves me because he demonstrates it through acts of service and physical touch (he does not like touch but he does it for me, to meet my need). But when we are at great distance (as we are now during his career school), he acts like I don’t exist until he absolutely needs connection. Otherwise he just sits around by himself, doing school work, pacing his apartment, or camping by himself. He’s so isolated.
I'm an asd guy trying to figure out my marriage and listening to these has helped me a lot. I've had to just stop a lot of things I'm interested in for the time being but it's better than fighting all the time
Spot on! You could be talking about my relationship with my husband! I’d never heard or experienced Asperger’s and was searching online because of the behaviour of his, then, 4 year old granddaughter … it took a very long time but eventually I had that lightbulb moment and realised that it wasn’t just his granddaughter but him too.
Wow! Bullseye! Thank you, Mark!
My pleasure!
I neeeeed an explanation exactly like this, but it n Japanese. My Japanese wife matches this description of a high-functioning ASD. It’s so hard to not forget that her behaviors are not because she doesn’t care about me. She just isn’t able to “see”. But even that’s so hard to accept.
I used to be outgoing and happy
Me too.
Me too 😢
I can empathize with you all. I have just come out of what I believe was a ND relationship. I was really bubbly at the start (probably what attracted him to me). After the usual stuff people find in relationships with ASD - lack of reciprocity, absolutely no flirting, him only being able to converse about his special interests and conversations mainly being lectures/him giving knowledge rather than just conversing over and back, not to mention sooo many communication misinterpretations), my light went off and I almost became a bit like him which can apparently happen, guessing as a coping mechanism. I went to therapy and got my light back mainly by having so much of my own stuff going on, I had zero expectations from the relationship so I couldn’t be disappointed. It sounds depressing but actually, was so freeing and empowering. It didn’t work out in the end because he would not commit to me after 3yrs so I felt I had to walk as I had been so sure about him for a long time. He also wasn’t willing to do anything about his uncertainly so I felt like I didn’t really have a choice.
If you choose to stay in the relationship, Try to remember what in your life gave you joy before you met him, maybe try volunteering - that way emotional needs might get met, involve yourself more with friends, again, another Avenue for emotional connection. That sort of stuff helped me.
Me too
@@eliz9489 I used to like to volunteer before I met my potentially AS partner. When I told her about what pride I took in it, she scoffed at me and told me how "useless" and "what a waste of time" it was.
Thank the Lord I have found you brother
Your videos are so validating! Thank you!!
Everything fits. Just found out this may be his problem yesterday on one of Mark's videos. 44 years marriage and I wondered why I could barely bring up any topic without him driving me to anger. I believe his calm stubbornness gave him the upper hand he wanted. also teaching me to leave him alone because he would frustrate me anyway. We saw a marriage counselor two different periods in our live and he put on the act of being NT. His concrete thinking makes it hard to talk about projected events, etc. It's a living nightmare. I though he was narcissist but maybe both?? I have bipolar and he doesn't show much respect my deficits.
Scared my wife will say the same about me some day. Would you have been better off ending it?
@@robalexanderhealth7763 I’ve considered it but he’s a really nice person; dependable. We have different friends and interest so we stay out of each other’s way. I’m learning i have to change my behavior to keep the peace. He can’t really help a lot of it. I never dare tell him. So I make it work. God knows what kind of person I might attract 🫤
I sent my husband this video, he does not watch it. Our marriage is a flatline.
As almost all of your videos, also here.. as a female with ASD, this is very relatable for myself too
Hi! Do you experience the same or similar challenges as the ASD men described in these videos?
I was the husband or at least I’m the ND. This sums up my divorce pretty well. Well done. Closure 💚
ANytime he encounters any sort of explanation as to why he behaves the way he does - he sees it as vindication to behave badly. how about doing an episode about that.....
You are genius in this field. Thank you.
Wow, thank you!
My sentiments, exactly. I don't think we all realise how blessed we are to be able to to have him in our lives, helping us, both ASD and NT partners. Thank you Mark. I truly appreciate you.
This is my life exactly!!!!!!!!!
32 yrs of marriage, less than 5 yrs finding out he has aspergers! I believe he is getting worse as time goes on. Can this be??
Mentally I’m depressed my health is getting bad I’m lonely and he does not think anything is wrong with him!! Our adult children even see it and are losing respect for him because of the way(s) he is acting. He won’t get help!!! Don’t want to leave but honestly don’t see any other way to be happy in life……
I also am in this same situation. I've been married for 34 years and we found out he had AS 10 years ago. I have learned to communicate through books and Dr. Hutten. It's a daily battle to communicate right and speak to him right. It's hard! My brain feels overloaded. I just want you to know your not alone. 💚
@@toska3333 yes I agree. I would never trade my husband for anything in the world. We made a commitment to each other for better or for worse. Learning that I was not alone was important mentally for me. Learning how to work together is important but it starts with Learning in depth what AS is for yourself. Not understanding is a major issue and leads to divorce for alot of couples. My husband is my life and I wouldn't change that for the world. So I say it again. You are not alone. There are many NT wives out there.
My man is the exact same way!!! It’s always EVERYONE ELSE..... and never him, in his mind! He is a downright GENIUS in many areas though and he can literally fix damn near ANYTHING!!! He started a successful marine engine repair business and he takes really good care of me. However, emotionally things are lacking. I don’t want to criticize them or act like something is wrong with him per se, I just want him to admit that he is different than the rest of us and that therefore we have to learn how to do things differently. Instead, I just hear about how everyone else is stupid all the time and whenever things go wrong in the slightest, he freaks and looks for someone to blame. And we live on a boat and travel a lot so even though he can fix anything that happens pretty much, when our boat broke down last night instead of dropping the anchor immediately and then figuring out what to do in a rational manner, he starts yelling at me, yelling at the boaters passing us, blaming the poor girls at the gas dock who filled us up earlier (cuz he told them to stop each tank at exactly 25 gallons each and they did- I was standing right there, he just didn’t hear us and kept going for another 3 gallons and then switched the lines to even them out while we were underway cuz he is a total perfectionist! Then, forgot to switch it back so we ran out of fuel in one of our 2 tanks!), anyway, he was cussing out the people in talking to on the phone and the radio while I’m still asking for help, assuming that they won’t help us and went on and on and on for four hours! Even long after we got the engines started, got home, docked AND had dinner! He was STILL going on!!! And that’s just NOT healthy or safe, so I can’t just ignore it!!! But I’m at a total loss. I have no idea how to speak to him so that he remains calm and understands that I’m not attacking or criticizing him, just trying to find a solution to a very serious issue. He is the captain of this vessel and our lives are in his hands every time we go out. That’s all! It’s important!!! Honestly, I let so much go. I’ve really learned to pick my battles, as I’m sure you have as well! So I completely understand and I just want you to know that it’s not just you, you are not crazy (even though sometimes I’m sure you feel like you are!!! Cuz I do too!!!) I’m on here for the exact same reason you are- just trying to help my marriage and to figure out what to do and how to communicate with what definitely seems like an impossible man at times!!!!
Thank you for sharing this!
Oh no please, it gets worse? I already feel like I'm in a nightmare.
As an aspie woman, i have found other aspies to be best for me in both friendships and relationships. NTs can be draining and difficult.
Lmao yeah it's their fault for being normal and not disregulated. Btw the relationship you're hoping for are some of the most violent and abusive relationships you can land in. Good luck with your life
@@Nikki-nk8zp normal ? What are you even talking about , that is my point right there.
@@bluecasey270 that most autistic people are violent and abusive and when you get a relationship with both being ND it is a volatile situation as neither of them are capable of not being compassionate or see any other options. Autism has a 75 % overlap with narcissism and those relationships are just heavenly... lmao 🤣
@@bluecasey270 I am glad you have found this. Neither is 'better'. It is like a windows and a Mac. It makes sense that your interface with other processing systems more like yours would have more ease and we ALL deserve that, NT and ND alike
Omg @ 18 min that's my husband. It's all me, nothing wrong with him. Not saying anything is "wrong", just that he might have autism and that's why communication is so hard and he gets ulster so quick. Our son and daughter were both diagnosed. I'm willing to get diagnosed as well.
22 min is him too.
He is not scared to talk about relationship issues I am scared because he uses the blame game.
If he has to resort to blaming you, then hes not doing conflict resolution yet. That's him just talking and not problem solving.
Lol why someone even has “thumb down “ lol on this video ? This is best thing ever !
This is interesting. I’m thinking of the moral reasoning research in reference to men on the spectrum who have affairs.
What do you mean.....
So I have high empathy, where does that put me where I base my emotions especially in my relationship by trying to read others emotions. It seems it ls a double edge sword with mind blindness etc.. because alot like you said I read my spouse wrong.. and react or I give in because I want her happy putting aside what I want.. which is dangerous
I guess I'm here trying to understand and communicate better and I can see how all this has led her to being depressed, abrasive, etc. Which I am super sensitive to and very emotional
Are there any resources for an NT husband dealing with an AS wife? Some of this is applicable, but there are other unique issues that are radically different and so far all my searching has only found resources or support for NT wives/AS husbands.
It's so hard. I had an AS partner, the relationship fell apart in a horrible way. I have spent years reading trying to understand what on earth happened, and I find it exhausting for the literature to constantly be pitched that the woman is the NT. I feel horribly under represented. If you want someone to talk to about this, please feel free to reply here, I will trade experiences with you.
I really wish there were. I am an AS wife.
What unique issues have you run into? I am an AS wife, with an NT husband. I wish we had more help.
I'm here reading comments because I'm a NT man in a relationship with a potentially AS woman. She's expressed that she thinks she may be AS but refuses to get dx or look much deeper into it. I've been researching and it's been frustrating to see that there appears to be an emphasis on the difference between AS men and AS women, and then the only neurodiverse relationship advice seems to be geared towards AS men with NT women. At the end of the day though I suppose I feel very similarly to NT wives of AS husbands.
What about aspie-ADHD, aspie-aspie, or aspie-PD (personality disorder) relationships? There doesn't seem to be many accounts of relationships in which both partners are ND.
Check out jodi carlton
Aspie-Adhd relationships are common. Still not easy.
Is any relationship easy ?
Any videos when the roles are reversed? ADHD husband, Autistic/Adhd wife????
Thank you!
You bet!
I am a man who has many traits of aspergers my sister has been diagnosed with it but I don't think I'm as bad with it as she is Could you my give my female partner some advice on how to cope with arguments and daily life and a strategy to help resolve matters thanks
Would you do a vid on ADHD wife with ASD hubs?
Thanks ❤🎉❤😊
You're welcome 😊
How do you convince your daughters born in this situation that there are men who love their wives and marriage is good and it isn't a disadvantage to be a woman?
I am concerned about this, too. I have kind of gone off the idea of marriage... When the topic comes up, I immediately have a "careful! That's dangerous!" reaction, which isn't great because I'm trying to help three kids get a healthy view of the world.
What to do when children are involved? My husband didn’t know he had ASD, and looking back we now realize he masked for the first three years of our relationship (basically dating until first child). Everything changed then, with more meltdowns, anxiety, and just frankly saying to me “I don’t care about that” when I try to discuss topics of interest to me. There is no affection and his special interests involve the majority of his day, with perhaps 30 minutes spent with family a day. He doesn’t help out with child raising and has to be asked to get up, to do things etc. Gets easily frustrated at our son when he exhibits normal childhood behaviour or emotions, and frankly expects him to have more emotional regulation and maturity than he has as a 30 year old man. I see many women commented here that they stayed for their children, but is this good for them? Emotional neglect can’t not good for the child either.. which is “worse” emotional neglect from a parent sitting right in front of them, or a parent who lives outside the home?
I have groups...
Do you do couples counseling?
Yes
@@markhutten how do we sign up?
@@ceeez3072 There are links below the video.
I didn't tell anyone I was autistic, because I didn't know. But I also don't see why I should have to. My traits are my traits; assigning them a label makes no material difference. Why would neurotypicals simply assume each person they meet is like them? That's dehumanizing, and more than a little offensive.
It behooves me to get to know you - the individual - and it behooves you to do the same. Neither of us gets to decide that the other's behaviour is somehow incorrect just because it does or doesn't resemble the behaviour of third parties who are not in this relationship. There are two of us in this relationship. Neither of us will ever have a majority position, and thus neither of our opinions should ever be given more weight.
This is why you shouldn't get into relationships, it will be a no brainer for most good women who are neurotypical to be overly considerate, understanding, communicative, loving, and more aware of your faults and how to change them than you are. Your neurodivergence literally means your brain is wired differently and can very well manifest as gaslighting of her feelings, not understanding when she is being literal, dismissing her feelings all in the name of "we're all different" -- we are all different, but neurotypicals brain wiring is the same and neorodivervent brains can be on vastly different frequencies than their spouses -- the only couples who survives are ones that acknowledge that and work with it -- not ones that dismiss the differences.
@@madeline982Those are definitely not no brainers to find in neurotypyical women. Quite the opposite unfortunately
@@dillchives Averagely and societally -- it definitely is. Although I don't argue if you've encountered the opposite.
@@madeline982 "Averagely and societally"? Nonsense.
I would argue it is important for potential partners to know you have ASD so they are not blindsided and wondering what the heck is going on. Your partner will be able to communicate and work with you better knowing your condition. Hiding it is not always a good option either because it is secretive and can certainly cause trust issues.
killer statements here, thanks
21:42
Lol seems like the same format neurotypical men use😔😔
Too many heated…that the past horrible person(s) caused, and I get it all on me….👀🧠👀😳☹️🫠😵💫🥱