I love my husband, but when the grandkids are around he sometimes becomes a child and not the fun side of a child, and other times he’s great with kids because he is on their childish level.
I left my husband three years ago at age 74. Though it was hard to admit defeat I just couldnt go on. We are both so much happier and at peace living alone instead of constantly trying to fix that impossible relationship. Your video is very honest.
Ugh. I’m bawling my wires out again because he melted-down yesterday complete with an onslaught of verbal abuse. I think I have to leave because it’s never going to improve. Because everything is my fault at all times. I can’t be in a relationship of any kind with someone who acts like he hates me.
Thank you. As your words entered my ears, I immediately felt seen and understood. I have 46 years with my ASD husband. He was in his higher functioning self when we dated; brilliant, funny, mentally available. I did not realize what would happen once we married and started living together in the privacy of a home. He is a very different person at home; vacant, needy, immature, anxious. I am his biggest anxiety; I am his biggest stim. I am used as his energy source. I love him, but I’m exhausted. Your words lifted me up from the shadows, and I am extremely grateful. Thank you.
Hi debbieengles16357. I’m in my 49th year of marriage so I really relate to what you said. The difference is that my husband never acted differently before we were married. I thought he had “quirks”. As the years went by and we added four children to our family, I became depressed to the point that I couldn’t function. I blamed myself for every problem, lecture, and criticism he had. Worse, the kids were affected by his lack of attention and encouragement. All of them have had problems from alcohol abuse to OCD. My life changed drastically for the better when I found out that he was ASD1. This was only 5 years ago. When I learned how to communicate in his language, he started behaving differently. We still have challenges, and I still grieve for the marriage I’ll never have, but like the song says “It’s to late to turn back now. “ All my best wishes as you navigate the rough waters of being married to your ASD1 guy.
Thank you Mark. I’m really struggling. We’ve been married 20 years and my husband has severely stonewalled me all 20 years. I always blamed myself because I’d get angry at him because he wouldn’t talk and then I’d blame myself for getting angry and then I’d go apologize. He appears to be such a nice guy to everyone else. I’m the one who suffers for lack of a relationship, he just immerses himself deeper in his work. I discovered your you tube videos a few weeks ago and discovered he has aspergers. Just knowing this has taken off a huge load and it’s the first time I feel validated for my suffering. But I’m afraid our marriage has been suffocated for too long. We have very little left to salvage. I am glad you left a door opened for leaving. I don’t know if I have the courage to leave but I have done all I can and things have only gotten worse. It is so sad...😢. I am a Christian and believe in forgiveness but he is not really sorry for anything he’s done. He doesn’t get it. And you helped me realize that he never will. I have also had some major health problems because of the added stress. I don’t think I can handle any more. Leaving is hard but staying may be even harder. 😢
I'm more depressed currently than at any point in my life. I came from a 15 year physically abusive relationship and I thought I found my Prince. He was so attentive, talkative, nurturing, etc. 10 years together now...he won't touch me, we don't do anything together, he thinks I'm arguing with him when I bring these things up (even when just speaking calmly). I honestly don't know what to do but I am broken.
I had also come from an abusive marriage, And my current husband is so drastically different and I thought that was what I needed. He was kind and attentive and constantly sent me nice messages.. When we got married the nice messages stopped in an instant.. I had no idea that it was a mask.. I had never heard these things before in my life... It would be 6 years into the marriage before I discovered that he has ASD. At least up until that point I held on to hope that he would understand me and love me enough to try to do the things needed in a marriage... He can't do it... He refuses to try.. So all hope is completely gone and I need peace desperately. I have to leave. It hurts so deep down.. But I have to leave. I feel less lonely by myself than I do when he's in the room.
@@Wirewrap This sounds crazy but at least in my abusive relationship, he was touching me. He at least cared enough to engage in a conversation,an argument, whatever. It was something. Now I get zero. I have to leave too but I don't know how to do that financially at the moment. It's hell.
Those are the same thoughts I've had as well and that's why I have to leave. At least in my abusive relationship There were moments of good where we could actually talk and engage and he would come to me and apologize.. Strangely.. There were moments where he would take responsibility and admit he was wrong.. That has never happened in this current marriage not even one time without some coercion for an apology. I totally know where you're coming from.
@@Wirewrap Glad to know someone understands...because as I said, I'm well aware it sounds crazy. I wish this was a different platform so we could connect! I'm in WI.
I had not long ended a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship when I met my now Asperger’s partner. The stability, security and kindness he seemed to offer was exactly what I thought I needed. Until the mask dropped and silent evenings, silent car rides and being rejected when I try to connect on any level other than general superficial small talk and feeling deeply unheard and unseen became the norm. I do wonder if the trauma from previous relationships leads to being draw to someone with Asperger’s initially in some way.
Hi Mark. Thanks for all your posts. You’ve helped me repeatedly over the past few years. You’ll never know how much difference you make to so many people. I agree that there’s many thousands of undiagnosed ASD adults. My husband was 67 years old and we’d been married 40 years before we finally realised what was actually our reality. Truly, I thank you for what you so freely give to people who are in despair and don’t know where to get help. 🙏
So what’s the point in staying? 20 years. I’m absolutely done. I’m spent. I want out. As a Christian, they tell me I’m doomed to this, and it feels like hell on earth!
Then leave sis! If you’re miserable, leave. You gave it 20 years. Not being happy in this relationship doesn’t make you a failure. Do not stay with someone out of guilt
If he is a Christian too, he has a duty to be your husband. It's always the Christian wives that beat themselves up for not being a 'good Christian ' when it's our husbands refusal/ inability to honour their side of god's contract .
Thank you Mark. 🙏🏻 You are an absolute Godsend! 🙌🏻 Newbie 4mths into a relationship with an Aspie man. I got 1 mth of good behaviour before the Narc behaviours started. 😳🥺 I knew he was Aspie 4 yrs ago when we became friends. I had NO IDEA what that meant in a relationship. Once I stood up his behaviours the push back was full on. 3mths of brutal projection, gaslighting all in every conversation everyday!! 😢 Now everything is my fault and I'm a ball breaker. I've tried breaking up with him but the guilt trip is the worst. I think this is worse than Narc abuse as they are just so unaware of anything they do. I can't do much more than this my mental health has declined so much in 3 mths!! Thanks to everyone who shares their story. It helps to know I'm not alone. 🙏🏻 I feel like I'm going insane.
Oh my god, I feel like you described everything that is happening in my relationship. In addition to that, my partner has PTSD and his heart is failing. I love him so much but I don’t even know how to maintain stable. He is blaming me for everything bad that has happened to him in our relationship and lectures me about my wrongdoings when all I do is trying to defend myself from his guilt trip. He used to start fights when I triggered him and when he was so angry at me that he wouldn’t be able to stop, then broke up with me all of a sudden. Then acted as if it was a normal fight afterwards. My abandonment anxiety has kept me in that loop. I have come to a point when I can’t go on like that anymore, but I can’t leave him because he is in such a bad physical shape. At the same time I am guilted for everything I do, except if I am there at his side 24/7. I am so exhausted and I feel like I am going crazy. Literally my mental health is deteriorating and I developed anxiety.
My hubby was clinically diagnosed with ADD and bipolar 25 years ago. After researching to help me figure out my son, I have come to the realization my hubby was incorrectly diagnosed. He has ASD and Alexithymia. We will be married 10 years next month. I am learning to love him where he is, set my expectations so clear. He thrives when I let him know exactly what I need. I laugh often in lieu of being let down and hurt. I am learning to just make light of things. Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you.
My best friend also has an ND spouse and they've been married for 30 some years. I'm learing through watching them and seeing what works and is basically the only way I can hold my 20 year marriage together. The ND spouse is completely unplugged and uncommunicative. My friend has learned to leave it alone and not expect or need from him at all. This then takes the pressure off of him so that she's not his main source of stress. Then she builds her own happiness in her life and just accepts that she has to do everything herself. This is a sad truth that I've been in the process of mourning. Unless I walk away, this is my life as well. Dr. Mark speaks much about the combative, argumentative, melt down ASD spouse but there are those of us who live with ASD partners where be barely get any interaction at all. I've stopped pushing for activity just in hopes of a good conversation, I've stopped hoping for any real contact with depth. It's the only way I can survive and do him a favor of letting go, and realizing that whatever I feel I wish he'd do or say, doesn't live there and never will.
He doesn't try to fix it, he blames me, laughs and moves on. You're right, clueless. I can't raise a perpetual 12 year old anymore, I'm too old and tired and beat up and heartbroken. I want whatever little bit of my own life is left, BACK. I appreciate your perspective, it is helpful.
Thankyou so much for this it explains the last 15 years of my life. I am going to leave because not only does he do all the things you said here but he also lies cheats and is violent, and blames me for those things too. That is not workable and I can’t keep writing those things off as developmental delay and mental instability 😢 I’ve given my all to this man, and you’re so accurate he still openly says to me ‘you are the biggest source of stress in my life’. Your exact words. Nailed it 💯 and that was the nail in the coffin for me. Because I deserve to be the biggest source of joy in somebody’s life, not stress 💔
Trying to be with someone with asd and having past trauma and childhood wounds, makes it very difficult. It feels like I’m being triggered it brings me back to my childhood. I have secure relationships with everyone else and feel that im a pretty mentally healthy person but when I try a relationship with my sons father it makes it diff to not feel triggered and neglected and mental abuse makes me feel sick . I tried being with him and understanding him it only makes my life stressful and he does not help with anything . So being with someone and doing everything is so draining I can’t even be there for myself or Kid !
I was so happy until mine came back into my life. We’ve known each other for almost 30 years, and dated for a few years when we were in our 30s. I just sold everything I owned and moved across the country to be with him in January, thinking I knew him well. The second I was in the truck packed with everything I owned including my dog and 2 horses, everything changed. Now I’m stuck with him with no means to escape (I sold my car and we’re very rural, so there’s no chance to even make a friend here). His special interest is CONSPIRACY THEORIES, FML. He can’t be challenged on any data, and he can’t help but try to convert me. Every 4th day or so, there’s a massive meltdown with some vicious verbal abuse, usually over some crazy RUclips conspiracy video. I have a marriage with DV in my past, so I’m really dealing with so many ptsd triggers. I can barely get out of bed, let alone try to figure out how to escape this situation.
Thank you so much for your understanding!!! I have given up on sharing my emotional with my ASD a long time ago..learning more and more about the fact that I was a scapegoat in my family growing up...which has given insight into perhaps why I married my ASD and why he married me...seeing the "s" and "nurturer" printed on my head.... Thank you!!??
Actually, because I don't share my emotional self with ASD because his lack of ability is very hurtful to me..I have a lot of emotional exhaustion......there is no win in this relationship....my ASD is always saying how normal he is and how he thinks things are OK.... I do not have the energy to dispute, confront or discuss his reality....too much trauma has happened...I do my best to understand, be aware, care for myself and my grandchildren...
At the same time that he can't see your emotional needs and calls himself the "normal one" (meaning you are not normal which is very hurtful), he can be very dependent on his NT wife for emotional regulation that he doesn't even know he needs. He wont admit he depends on her for predictable caregiving. The same way a baby doesn't know she needs help getting to sleep when she's tired, an emotionally immature adult will not be aware of their own needs but will organize their wife's day so that his need for structure gets met. Specifically - She is tasked with lowering his anxiety without any sort of appreciation for her emotional labour. My advice is to find the moments where you can unplug from him for a while and rest. For some nt wives, we may be in marriages where we need to rest every few hours just to cope with the demands on us. Emotionally immature people organize us into their system of needs. They are pros at ignoring our needs. Simply because that part of the brain didnt develop fully. Or adequately. Check out info from Dr. Lindsay gibson. She talks about how the empathy is lacking with emotionally immature people. It isn't fully online the way it is for a more emotionally matured person. Without rest I think NT wives can end up really depleted which can lead to health issues.
Hi Mark, my ASD-1 husband and I have been listening to your videos, and they have already helped me understand a lot. ☺️ We have been married 20 years, and he was diagnosed 8 years into our marriage with bipolar disorder. In more recent years, he was diagnosed with Asperger‘s or as it's known now ASD1. He has been in therapy for years for his bipolar disorder, but in recent years, we have begun to wonder how much of his bipolar disorder symptoms were actually coming from his ASD diagnosis instead. He grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic father who had bipolar disorder as well. Like you mentioned, I am an empath, so all I know is emotions and feelings. He has told me before he doesn't understand emotions, but he tries. He wrote me a poem once because I told him I love poetry. He is such a good husband in many ways, but he has hurt me emotionally quite a lot through the years. I understand now that his ASD affects his thinking and actions and it's not just him being a jerk, but it's still hard as you said. I am overly emotional and he is non-emotional, which at times makes me feel like he doesn’t love me, even though he says that I am his world. I wonder the reason you find that ASD men many times are married to emotional or empathic women? Is it just a matter of opposites attract?
Hugs. I think the poem is like bread crumb which is very common scenario for ASP’s wives. That d dudes do nothing for so long. Any mini effort is like the “big event”. As human we bond thru : crisis(illness, lose family member, someone got fired at work….accidents, etc) Validation: When someone tried something new, someone. Got thru a hard week of work, finished doing chores when no time to eat, making sure kids are fed First before everyhing else. Trauma, Like if gotten insulted by Karen/ unfair treatment at work, bad family member cause pain, childhood pain, etc. . achievement (entire team go celebrate when finishing project before deadline), He is not doing any of that. LET ME WRITE her a poem. Its like missing the point . He wrote u a poem because he chose what u want n actually ---EXPECT u lik e”wow..beautiful”. If u act Stoney face he will actually hold it by yr neck(emotionally ) to be resentful. Just like my dude--WAS severly OBESE for a few yrs d days he was NOT with me back then. After he lost 70 lb, HIS MOM--would go to grocery store to buy PACK of 12 Coke sugar coke…..ALWAYS making sure stocked in d fridge. The dude always thinking :”I do NOT drink that stuff any more i spent so much time losing that frigin 70 lb took over a yr n half consistent work thousands hours. I do NOT NEED constant coke in d fridge when i open the fridge daily n see coke --he has coke addiction. D mom always “I thought u like coke, i just get it for u when ever i am at store.” That lasted YEARS,,,,before the guy moved out. In psychology. Ppl with certain traits. They are selfish. They buy something do something to that person…to fill THEIR own 😮need to feel good. Once a while, they spike this “lovey dovey emotion” that last a few hrs, they do something --as release . So they go back to their own world. Yet if at critical time u REALLY need arms n legs for help even just 5 -10 min…they are like :”i am exhausted. I dont do that….I TOLD U….” N guilt trip u. Thats manipulation n mental abuse. 😢😮 Just like my dude’s mom who actually knowing my dude’s been losing weight, 3 hr workout daily 5X a week for years. It is so selfish to be like ;”ITs your favorate drink , i am gonna get it for u cuz I care about 1 thing U like, its up to u if u drink it . But if when u do drink it, u know I bought it for u. I make sure I always STAKE of Coke int he fridge.” They treat the human like pet. Pets dont get to choose what they get. Owners choose what they buy , cute squeeky toy, yummy treats. Expect the pet goes crazy for like 20 min, then owner goes off for days doing their own thing before getting another new treat/new toy. In pet owner brain:”i am doing good. I am offering something once a while. D pet/dog seems extremely excited. So i am VERY good dog owner” meanwhile the dog owner doesnt take care of dog, just watch tv , no dog walking, let the dog run at back yard on its own. No taking dog to dog park, no going to the neighborhood nothing.
@@everybreakingwave hey,,,thx for the caring comments. I hope send u tons hugs. I think ASP guys are d most innocent loof because they are neglected by their own parents. So they do NOT have good role model to formulate things as guidance so they Invent strategy in simple way to cope with things that NO ONE prepared for them. Yet they can be very helpful in TASKS. Cooking , taking care of chores, taking care of ppl in crisis. Thats the utter things keeps ASP wifes UNABLE to break off tho. The thing is NT guys do the SAME they can be kind also they do all the other. The ASP guys will --pick n choose- n they WILL actually SELF sooth/claim credits for the things they GO OUT OF WAY to help. Cuz I went thru STAGE 4 anger n stage 1 cancer 2x. I know exactly how they are looking after thru the cancer treatments. D difference is WHAT do they do OUT of that? In human psychology ,,,when others in crisis, it BOOST dopamine to HELP. So its a premimitive function --reaction , it’s NOT really a “self decided choice”. Like when loved ones in crisis, they feel themselves in crisis ,,,when death in the pic”. So often they can jump OUT of way to help. N as empathy we often seen that as “hedonic,” “well no one else would ever do that”. The hardest thing is to look pass those….”dont all HUMAN do that? “ beyond that, if we did NOT have those , what do they have to offer beside tasks. So when met with my crisis psychologist in my huge cancer hospital, d first thing she did when I bought up the “CANCER” is “ STOP talking about CANCER, everyone will do that when loved on in crisis. When we are in crisis, we see others efforts our brain will empify n glamorize it. We will exaggerate it. In fact anyone who marry/ or with u should be doing that. DO U NOT think U WOULD DO THE SAME for HIM IF HE HAD CANCER??????? What matters --if someone care of u, they will NOT bring u down, they will not make excuses, they will Make sure that yr emotional needs are met, and they will try even if the end result might not match. The lack of trying, or pick n choose is Telling by the action. We need to NOT use bread crumb to falsify those not too bad. Cuz it get us thru the day/week/years. It matters to at LEAST Aknoledge what is OKAY what’s NOT. Because Squeeky wheels get grease. U choose the guy u choose the traits. They already learnt how to manipulate u, so u can come here to talk to me, u are smart u Already know…. But they are NOT going to do anything as LONG as u are still thinking “but but but….they look after me. They did this they did that. Cuz d end of day. U go back to that environment n u have to face that person. Bundaries is set starting NOT making excuses for him just cuz he “helped” here n there. U need emotional support cuz u are a HUMAN. U are NOT a pet. They are selfish, they wil use every ‘Effort” to throw on yr face to GUILT TRIP u to Cave in on yr demands. They know how to work ur psyche. U might be helpless but u need to see thru that. Remember u are a human. U ar someone’s child, u are their loves ones. U are born mean to be loved. YOUR priority is YOU. U need to be made to feel important, and Happy. U are NOT being born to fill the gap. “ Stern n best genuine, clean , accurate, msg i ever received to this date.Thats long ago. Never looking back.
Hey Mark, thank you for your empathy and wisdom. I have been watching your videos for many years now, and they are very helpful. What you are doing for the NT partners is truly amazing, and really for any of us who are either NT or ND … if you were to be paid in gold for it you and your wife would be living in a castle and dining from gold plates! Anyway … now into my 23rd year of being with my ND husband type1 ASD. I have chosen option 3, I did try option 2 in our 11th year of marriage. The separation lasted 1 year, but with a young son still to raise at age 51, for practical reasons and also with hope in my heart that he might have became more caring we got back together. It’s now 5 years since I understood the level 1 autistic disorder and he also agrees this is the case. What I wanted to say is the biggest hurt, and the hardest element as a mother is our son having a father on the spectrum, and how I see it affecting the man our son is becoming. Our son is NT he’s now 20. Over the many years I have wondered why his dad couldn’t /wouldn’t be playful with him, and so many other, what I would consider normal parenting behaviours. He is still a very good person and a great role model in many other ways. Our son is a really good young person and he doesn’t know what he has missed out on. I feel sadness for him over that, but he has a good relationship with his father, he has a loving Dad who shows it in practical ways, and our son also loves him, and more recently he has started to see the things that his father is incapable of. Look for the positives as nothing is perfect in this life. Once again, thank you for all the help you have given me Mark. Also you’re looking pretty darn good for someone pushing 70! Kia Kaha (keep a strong heart) and sending aroha (love) to you and your wife, from Aotearoa/NZ
Thank you so much for this. The mask is off in my marriage and my being the empathic NT wife - this explains soooooo much. Thank you for being up front and to the point. Works for me. Tying to figure out my place in this marriage and rolling from there. Keep getting the information out there. You ARE helping.
First of all THANK YOU from the deepest part of my being. I do believe that you taking the time to share your knowledge, experience and quite frankly your skill to communicate it so concisely has quite possibly saved my marriage and the future of my family ❤ Theres no words to express the gratitude I feel for coming accross the information you've taken the time to put out there. I cant help but think you need a MUCH larger following. Luckily I believe due to a combination of both learned and innate factors I'll be able to improve both our lives with regards to my husband's anxiety and my level of frustration and resentment, with this information alone. It's such an AHA! moment! Sadly from experience I know the ability to not take things personally is a very difficult task for many, maybe most. My heart goes out to those strong enough to find the strength to give more of themselves when they're likely already so depleted ❤ I'm going to be sharing your info far and wide albeit in ways that wont violate my husband's privacy. I have know doubt that it will change MANY peoples lives for the better ❤
Thanks Mark! I think avoidance is a better way to state his reaction, as to fix it. But I really get your point. It is a very tough situation. The positive is that, without running across your videos several months ago, I would still not understand what is going on with him and why I am so unwell. A sincere thank you. ~J
You're videos are very helpful because I thought that he was narcissistic but it didn't completely make sense I could tell that he has high functioning autism his mother called it a behavioral problem since he was a child she said he would get angry and then he would be normal again and feel guilty...but she never got him help and she blames herself...his father has the same but hw is more cruel to her
I have a guidebook I created over the last 5 years. If anyone is dealing with frustration I’ll add a chapter from my book to possibly use. I hope this helps ! 4. Frustration - the burden I feel is due to the unresolved issues as a result of his avoidance of conflict and confrontation. I can list priorities that I feel I need to resolve asap and give him a time period to revisit. This way I won't get buried in a pile of unresolved issues that may be harmful if unaddressed. An example is credit , financial debts, heart issues that are worsened by stress. These are priority conversations needed to find a resolution! I can't control the way he reacts to anything he perceived as a personal attack. He often feels this way, he can't discern social ques which is why he can’t sense my distress, it’s not personal so will remind myself of this when he over reacts to neutral statements! This is a reflex for him , expecting him to control this practiced behavior is unrealistic considering his possible or actual diagnosis! I’ll save myself from a lot of emotional pain by shifting my attention to what I can control which is accomplished when I do not ask why are you looking at me that way or what did you say that in that tone? This question is a trap made of quicksand. If it bothers me beyond our ability to address and resolve I will journal how sick I am of his shit without judging myself because I am entitled to my feelings ! I will not hold on to anger . Music soothes my soul so I will use my playlist " to shift into my creative mind which is more Flexible then my logic ! Do not try to make his behavior make sense. After asking myself once or twice and journaling, I must drop it! Play nostalgic music , set the intention to be as happy as I can all on my own! CODEPENDENT WHO? NOT ME! Research codependency, listen to Louise Hay and read Melody’s book codependent no more to gather insights on why codependency attracts partners with emotional dysregulation often as a result of trauma. May love empower us all. One thing we all have to be grateful for is the opportunity to be the generation that breaks dysfunctional relationship patterns by using our experiences as catalyst for healing ❤️🩹
I just really appreciate these videos. Yes an asd individual struggles so much and in so many different ways, negative experiences that have crushed their spirit, etc.. but those of us trying to be there as a wife, as the one providing the support needs that our spouses have, it's nice to have that acknowledged every so often too😅 I'm happy to be there for my husband, to provide those additional support needs according to his "brand" of autism, and I feel quite satisfied and fulfilled with my life.. but sometimes that occasional acknowledgement of my efforts is the breath of fresh air that keeps me going y'know?
I am a daughter and when you said that maybe ASD skips a generation I felt relieved. And also when you speak about this wife as an emotionally intelligent empath I feel relieved because that's probably my mom and me.
Mark, as usual, you hit the nail on the head 💯OMG!!! If my husb was open to it, I would share your videos with him. I feel like I've raised 3 sons instead of 2. I now understand he's not able to give me what I need emotionally. He's a pretty good guy, and he does try. You are correct. We bring stress to each other. As long as things are moving in a way he's comfortable with, non-emotional, we get along well. I couldn't ask for a better roommate 😅 I've learned not to take it personally, but some days are more challenging than others. I will continue to trust and believe things are working out for my good. I haven't given up on him, and that's the last thing I want to do. However, God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Therefore, I'm keeping the faith that things are working out for our good. Im not sure if i would know how to be in a relationship with an NT partner. You are awesome Mark, thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge with us. I appreciate it more than you know 💕
@Mark Hutten M.A. Your kind of explaining is a great relief for me. Your kind of being and way of speaking are sincere & authentic and feel good to me. I really appreciate what you are doing for us by your work. GOAL GOAL GOAL 💯
Hi, thank you for this video. It was hard to watch as my fiance is an Aspie probably, and your words confirm my worst worries. I am on a crossroad now and don't know yet which road to take (leave or stay) but it is definitelly better to know what we are dealing with...
My ex was confirmed he has it . But these videos make perfect sense in our relationship but then I observe him with other people and he seems fine he seems like he can be there for other people . He sells cars so it’s confusing to not think they are purposely doing it
Mark I agree with absolutely everything that you say it describes the lifestyle that my NT wife and I struggle with 150% how in the hell do I reach my NT wife to get her to understand and even pick up one of your videos and watch it to try to gain knowledge of what I'm struggling with that's the question I have . I really need an answer but I don't know how to do any of it😢
My guy is quite emotional- but definitely mind blind often… and when stressed, a narcissistic bent… and totally unaware of how to be a father to his daughter. Suspicious, paranoid… and very emotional. Cries at movies but not for real people…
This is me. ASD male here. I can react emotionally to movies since I am a spectator and not interacting with the movie. My brain can't process information and emotion at the same time. If I try to, I get overwhelmed.
That was my mom and dad. My mom did take us and leave. So as the eldest daughter, I took her place trying to figure him out while visiting with him. He never gave up on his relationship with us though. We had lots of fun together. Now I find myself in love with the same level 1 ASD man. It’s crazy. But I’m CRAZY about him. ❤
Was growing up in a home without your father better for you and the family in the long run? I know I am asking only for personal experience, but it is something I am currently struggling with. Will my children be more affected by living in a house where emotions aren’t dealt with, or in a house without their dad? Hard question
Been with my guy for 12 years, he's in the middle of getting his assessment done. We both know he is asd1. He's not cruel to me but definitely not able to fulfill my emotional/physical needs. I have been trying not to take things personally but there are things that can't help but be personal. Like having my dreams of marriage and a family of my own come true...I'm scared I'm running out of time, I'm 36 this year. My guy still won't talk about a real future together. I fear he'll never want the same as me. I love him deeply and don't want to leave but I don't want to sacrifice even more of my dreams when I've already given up so much for this relationship. I really don't know what to do.
I’ve been with my bf for over a year but I am 34 years old and I’m in the same boat, there is 0 talk about future. I am also worried potentially sacrificing the dream of being married with a family, and he knows, I’ve explained, but he just says he can’t think that far ahead. So it’s like swimming in open water in the middle of the night, not knowing if your moving closer to shore or further away and it’s terrifying 😞
Both of you ladies are young, healthy women give birth well into their 40’s drop these guys and find men that will give you what you want. There are men out here waiting for women like you.
"I'd change if I loved her enough" I love her immensely but have not been able to change and give her the emotional connection she requires. How do I approach this scenario?
Do you have any vids to help Adult Children's relationship with their ASD father? I have been alienated from them due to my ex's ASD tricks & denial. Today my Adult Children' are now coming to me for help/understanding while we repair our new relationship. It is awful / criminal what their father did to my three children and myself. Thank you so very much for this Video! You have no idea how helpful this is for me & will be for my children. Yes I did LEAVE him to save my LIFE literally! He tried to kill me so many times by cutting my gas line, my break line & even my steering column he broke. At the time, I did not know it was "HIM" doing it! He is so dangerous. My fear when I left him was that he would harm my children to hurt me for leaving him. I am still in fear of what he may do even though it has been 12 yrs later he is still very sneaky and dangerous. I am still recovering (if I ever do) from my 18 yrs marriage with my ex. with this disorder.
I’ve concluded autistic individuals, at a certain point of the spectrum. Is very similar to a mound of clay that will not form, despite all the hands on care, explanations of what the condition is contributing to, and desire to aide the individual into developing social and emotional and behavioral skills, it’s not happening because their brain isn’t functioning to grasp it. It is a challenge for the ASP, but the toil on the NT is draining and overwhelming. Despite the NT’s best efforts and contributions, the ASP will not budge beyond a certain level of maturity and understanding. They won’t get it, and the NT will constantly be at the level of frustration and bewilderment as to why the ASP can’t and won’t get it. As I’ve said many times, don’t be unevenly yoked if one is a NT and the other is ASP. It’s misery for both. The ASP is a mound of clay that will not form into the emotional contributions the MT craves. I’m not intending to be mean here, it’s just a fact that many have unfortunately discovered way too late. That spark that attracted you to one another will erupt into an inferno that will consume you both. It’s sad, but true.
Great video, do you happen to have a version of this video but for NT Husbands? Or is everything almost applicable regardless if its a female on the spectrum?
How does labeling people with anything help us improve ourselves? You are the ONLY person you can change in your relationship. Things will NOT improve till you realize this and work on the ONE person in the relationship you can change.....YOU!
Yeahhhhh... but Understanding the other person is important... When the understanding comes with a label that can help you understand more then the label is there 🤷♀️... Once you know what you're dealing with then you can focus on how you react to it. But don't expect the ASD person to ever try to understand you or what your needs are... Unfortunately.
@@Wirewrap must have done a thousand hours of research to try to save our relationship. He read a grand total of zero articles in an attempt to do the same. I learned so much about autism I knew it was never going to work. Such a shame, but I could no longer take the emotional neglect and financial and verbal abuse that came with it. I had to put our child first rather than him.
I believe my mother in law is ASD1. I swear she’s a female Spock. She rarely laughs, talks, and emotionally cold. My ASD husband told me when we got married I would never be able to be close to her. He wasn’t wrong. His father was verbally abusive and an alcoholic.
Why feed their narcissistic ego? That “neurotypical” spouse, which you’re addressing, is 90% of the problem in the relationship. We saw most of her red flags, early on. We chose to ignore them, thinking she would change for the better. She didn’t. (I’m a problem solver, but I can’t resolve the multifaceted problems with by my neurotypical spouse. It feels like “give&take”, where I give, and she takes)
I find my autistic partner does have a good theoretical understanding of other people's emotions, but lacks intuitive understanding in the moment, so he cannot deal with sudden demands.
I say many men have a little ASD. I always thought ASD was like having an extreme male brain. It's a matter of balance, that so many have not attained. Or maybe it's a matter of men not evolving as much as women have, in terms of becoming WHOLE humans being human. Meaning men in general, not men with ASD
I lost it at 6:25-6:37 😂😂😂 My ASD fiancee was diagnosed with Autism after we met, and we've been together for 6.5 years. We're both career driven people, who prioritize work over everything else. I absolutely have emotional needs as an NT, but I know better than to take it personally when I am volunteering to be with someone who cannot meet them. Why resent him for his disability? I'd be totally ablist to expect that from him, and think it would be achievable if he "only tried". If I can't meet him with compassion and accommodation, and creative problem solving, I wouldn't be cut out for an ND relationship. If I wasn't self aware enough about my own limitations, or knew how to get those emotional connection needs met independantly - I would not be cut out for this either. I approach our relationship problems (which truthfully are not related to his ASD at all, but things any NT couple could face) in logical ways - flowcharts, whiteboard diagrams and so on. There is no room for blame, accusation, self-critiism or self-pity or victimization - I demand we focus ONLY on the facts. I acknowledge that this is hard - Oddly, I focus far better on objectivity and data and putting emotions aside than he does when it comes to resolving these problems. I am HIGHLY empathetic, but I do not need for that empathy to be reciprocated in order to understand my validity and not take things personally. My ASD fiancee is not malicious - he lacks self awareness, and he requires patience and accommodation if this relationship is to work at all. I give him breaks, tools to stim with, but that only goes so far if the reason he fails is because he doesn't Value it enough, and thinks he Struggles with participating as a team member to logical, motivated, data-driven problem solving way. A struggling person wants to achieve a goal, believes he can, but doesn't know how. If it's a Mindset that is causing failure, it's a person who wants to succeed, knows the steps required, but doesn't believe himself enough to even try and risk failure. I am approaching our relationship problems logically, with the now questionable belief that this is a person who Struggles and requires accommodation, support, compassion and instruction on how to effectively navigate it - but that only goes so far, if its not a struggle issue at all. If failure is derived from lack of self-awareness in to what he Values, nothing I do can change that, nor would I ever want to! My goal now is to help him achieve that self-awareness to help him understand his values enough to confidently know, not just if he values a relationship (he might), but if he values it Enough. And we all have our threshold when something we value becomes too high of a cost than the benefit is worth, me included. We all have Objective and Perceived capabilities that must be tested and critically evaluated on an ongoing basis. Living inauthentically is a surefire way to be unhappy. I love my ASD fiancee too much to see him unhappy because he is not living congruent with his values because he isn't aware of them in the first place. When I know he isn't aware of them because his whole life, when he has been his authentic self, the world has taught him that its unacceptable. And so that genuine identity is snuffed out to survive. And wether or not this relationship is what he values, my time is well spent if he sincerely values uncovering, accepting and living according to who he is - even at the cost of the relationship ending. But again, I can only help someone who struggles to struggle less. Struggling is okay! We all struggle with things. If this relationship, or achieving self actualization is not valuable *Enough* to him, this relationship simply cannot continue out of fairness to the two of us, because that goal would then be unattainable. I'm not here to change him or fix him. I absolutely embrace him now, and I embrace who he may turn out to be on the other side of this, however unrecognizable. I am here to teach him he is acceptable as he is, and give him permission to learn what he values and to live by it - relationship be damned. THIS is what it means to be an NT wife who loves an ASD husband. But just like an NT husband, a person who isn't self aware about what they value and genuine accept what they value (no matter if the people around him judge him for it) then you cannot possibly trust them when they tell you what they want, especially when their behaviour is incongruant with someone who values something, but is challenged by Struggles or Mindset to achieve success. Does he want to be self-aware enough because he believes it will reduce his anxiety living in a NT world? Or, is it in fact too much effort than it's worth, when those anxiety-reducing results can be achieved short-term with Distraction through special interests? I want to be with someone who wants to be with me - that's realistic, and something I know I deserve. I am spending my life now, with someone who potentially may not, but prioritize his self-actualization and happiness over the relationship itself, so that I can then move on to a relationship with someone self-aware enough that I can trust they value the relationship, because they live authentically in the face of social rejection instead of practicing this Chameleon Compliance so many ASDs need to in order to survive. I agree, Autism is likely underdiagnossd. But the social-emotional problems, the anxiety problems, in my opinion, are all derived from non-malicious, non-narcissistic, non-selfish inauthenticity due to lack of self awareness to their values in fear of the consequences of social rejection, Autistics or not. These indivduals need to know they are acceptable, and to be given permission to be their authentic selves instead of putting this pressure on themselves to "say the right thing" or "appear norrmal". That's exhausting, to both them and the people around them. And it's painful to see someone you love doing that to themselves unknowingly. It's confusing and frustrating to have a partner say one thing but behave in a totally contradictory way. This issue is not unique to ASD. This issue is in, most cases, due to lack of self-awareness and lack of self-acceptance, certainly not narcissism or malice. Occam's Razor - Its unintentional Ignorance. No wonder so many people are anxious without knowing why. Ignorance to their values, and fear of the social consequences of living by them. This is why Transgender suicide rates are high. This is why gay men marry in to heteronormative relationships, start a family, either unaware of their sexual identity, or find the potential social rejection consequences far less tolerable than the consequences of living inauthentically to their identity and values. Adjusting your expectations doesn't mean lowering them, or denying yourself your needs and values. Other NT wives may not be any better than their ASD husband's at being self aware. It's entirely possible un-self aware NT wives are driving themselves crazy in their ND marriage because they THINK they value that relationship, but instead want things to change that are impossible to change. They don't value their ND relationship, nor do they ever have to! Nor does the ASD husband have to! They just need to be self aware enough about their needs, values and limitations to distinguish that cost-benefit threshold on if they value it *enough*. I can confidently say my observable behaviour (offerring accommodation, creative problem solving, looking out for my emotional needs independently by pursuing my passions rather than putting the pressure on him to meet them) proves with consustancy it is reliable to trust I am invested in and value this relationship, and all that comes either it, *enough*, when I say I do. And if that threshold is reached, it does not make me a failure to tap out. It makes me a failure to resent the other person when I'm forcing myself to live inauthentically past that cost-benefit threshold and be miserable because of which. Stop doing that to yourself.
I just have a hard time believing aspergers partners don't know what they are doing when they hurt someone.. If he gets up every morning "consistently" goes to work fatefully and grasp that if he does not then the bills won't get paid, then surely he can learn to love and meet your emotional needs consistently as well. I mean seriously think about it, He knows if he doesn't go to work he will lose his job. Marriage is work and if he fails to show up emotionally, then he should know he will lose his spouse. I always say people will prioritize what they feel is important. These people are not babies and I think people give them a pass to be lazy in a relationship. My husband knows I suffering an illness and I use to beg him to look it up to learn more about it and I also talked to him as well about it. When I found out about him having aspergers, Thats same day I was looking up everything cause I wanted to understand him better. He has never looked up my illness but as we speak, he's upstairs studying for a test at work. Hes choosing whats important to him. Im only here so my kids can have a 2 parent home and he loves the boys and im only staying till our 4 boys leave the nest after they leave.....I will be alone the only difference is that the silence will be louder where as the kids filled that space with laughter, crying,whinging, questions, all the great stuff kids do...Im only living for them at this point....🤫🤭
@@puttervids472 " Never feel at home"???.... please explain what you mean by this and im asking you to because a light bulb went off when you made this statement.
@@Blinkgirlsareperfect Trust me, I get it. It's true, my ASD fiancee is a Registered Nurse. He is exceptional at it. I believe medicine became a sort of "specialized interest" to make him feel that sense of human connection he craves - if he can't understand a person on an emotional level, then he compensates by understanding them based on their vital signs. His exceptional talent in this profession, his outstanding performance to save lives, devote energy and commitment to it simply cannot he compared. If you were dealing with an NT husband, sure, wether uts emotional energy or cognitive energy, the consequences of falling short are equally understood. ASDs, in my opinion, retain a sense of control by throwing themselves in to their work where their performance and competence is viewed highly, and like anyone, would be far less motivated in a scenario where he always falls short. So again, distinguish between, as I said above, an ASD husband who Struggles, who has a Sabotaging Mindset, or simply doesn't Value the relationship *enough*. And not valuing it *enough* is something that everyone needs to know how to evaluate for themselves, ASD or not. You need to be okay with confronting that he may not value it *enough* to meet *your expectations* - and know that it's perfectly okay, until you see that as a personal attack. Both you, and him, should live authentically to your values, and honor what each other needs without putting in investment and effort that is, in actual fact, insincere on both your part and his. I have an illness too! But ASD or not, how fair is it to expect an RN who is looking after people all day to then come hone and look after me? It's like the assumption that if you marry a Chef you'll get to enjoy restaurant quality meals at home everyday, and that couldn't be further from the truth. No one owes you (or him) anything. Don't beg someone to take interest in something *enough*, and then simultaneously be offended when they don't. Personally I'd rather genuine interest over for interest or curiosity. Pressuring my ASD fiancee to meet certain unrealistic/impossible criteria to be competent enough of a partner to have a relationship would perpetuate the cycle if withdrawing from the things he doesn't understand and throwing him in to things (like work) that are far easier to understand. Your ASD husband is worthy of accommodation, but only to a point. If his needs surpass what you're able to give, that isn't fair to either of you. And that goes both ways. If YOUR needs surpass what he is able to give, how is that any different? To attribute it to lack of sensitivity is inherently ablist. I know it's a challenge to understand him - it's a challenge for him to understand you too. If you're attributing his negligence from a place of malice, and being resentful at him for it, you are simply not cut out for this, and that does NOT make you a failure, or a bad person, whatsoever.
@@Blinkgirlsareperfect Also... how is his behavior any different from any NT workaholic? If you don't admire the profession your husband has, or his significant impact and unique talents that go way beyond you, it's no wonder you're making it about you! As anyone married to a worlaholic would! You are comparing the value of his work to the value of the marriage.... and inherently that has to do with simply not appreciating the work he does, and making the egocentric assumption that the marriage, in the grand scheme of things, is worth more time and energy. I don't know what your husband does. Mine being an RN, and a damn good one, would rob the health care system of the blessing he truly is to that profession. I'm completely on board with throwing himself in to his work lime he does. I sign up every day to support him, rather than make him feel shitty for it. No... ASD or not, RNs (like Chefs) have to miss birthdays, anniversaries and so on... again, not a uniquely ASD issue at all.
@@puttervids472 You're on point with the ignorant cruelty anyone who discriminates against the disability unknowingly demonstrates. I have emotional needs, but I'd be foolish to expect that from my ASD fiancee - Its not constructive to say who has it worse, all that matters is that you meet each other where you're at, and if that's not to either of your satisfaction, then if perciebed capabilities are not tested for objectivity, then, like and relationship, ASD or NT, it will only make you miserable to feel inadequate and feel your needs are neglected. If the ASD husband articulates he needs time to himself to decompress whwn he promised a date night? Tough, does his needs not matter either? Of course they do. In any relationship you are essentially, by default, required to willingly compromise within your limits - and certainly don't resent the person for their honesty in advocating their needs, or hold it against them later if you agree to honor them.
At least the nt wife can leave her ASD husband.He has to live in the nt world at least until it drives him to desperate measures.Let that sink in and see if you can empathise with that nt's after all you are all sooo empathetic.
I agree that there are countless undiagnosed individuals, past and present. And I'll also guess that many of the "NT wives" you're talking to ALSO have ASD1. It looks very different in women. There's a reason why they ended up together, because we do tend to find one another. Or perhaps she's ADHD. But it's likely that she's also ND to some extent, and she may be having her own social/sensory issues and never had any formal diagnosis or support.
I'd argue the opposite. I think those with ASD seek out the attributes in people they do not have themselves. Over time, we pick up his traits just to keep the peace ( Aspergation it's known as). He cannot meet us in the middle, so we have to travel all the way to his comfort zone. Just as being forced to live as an NT is damaging to the Autist, living as an Autist is damaging to the NT.
@clairhonnor6211 there's quite a bit of literature that supports the idea that ASD Individuals form relationships through shared interests, and that many ASD adults discover themselves on the spectrum after a number of their social circle begin to be diagnosed. There are studies about communication between ND and NT people that show how communication difficulties seem to fall away when the test subjects were placed in homogeneous groups, rather than mixed together. There's tons of anecdotal discussion online about how ND people seem to find one another and form relationships, both platonic and romantic. There's all kinds of new information about how differently ND women present from their male counterparts. Sarah Hendrickx and Tony Attwood describe the ways we find one another, often unknowingly. That the stereotypical undiagnosed ND couple will be the engineer husband and the wife who works in a caregiver profession of some sort. It's totally a thing!
thank you. but dude, please, since you can, please, really, aknowledge some wifes you're talking about are autistic themselves... my mom was actually similar to these husbands you talk about... it was hell ... i think i am even less equipped than the NT wife to cope...
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
I love my husband, but when the grandkids are around he sometimes becomes a child and not the fun side of a child, and other times he’s great with kids because he is on their childish level.
Help so I can pay by credit card rather than PayPal. KK
I left my husband three years ago at age 74. Though it was hard to admit defeat I just couldnt go on. We are both so much happier and at peace living alone instead of constantly trying to fix that impossible relationship. Your video is very honest.
Ugh. I’m bawling my wires out again because he melted-down yesterday complete with an onslaught of verbal abuse. I think I have to leave because it’s never going to improve. Because everything is my fault at all times. I can’t be in a relationship of any kind with someone who acts like he hates me.
Thank you. As your words entered my ears, I immediately felt seen and understood. I have 46 years with my ASD husband. He was in his higher functioning self when we dated; brilliant, funny, mentally available. I did not realize what would happen once we married and started living together in the privacy of a home. He is a very different person at home; vacant, needy, immature, anxious. I am his biggest anxiety; I am his biggest stim. I am used as his energy source. I love him, but I’m exhausted. Your words lifted me up from the shadows, and I am extremely grateful. Thank you.
Hi debbieengles16357. I’m in my 49th year of marriage so I really relate to what you said. The difference is that my husband never acted differently before we were married. I thought he had “quirks”. As the years went by and we added four children to our family, I became depressed to the point that I couldn’t function. I blamed myself for every problem, lecture, and criticism he had. Worse, the kids were affected by his lack of attention and encouragement. All of them have had problems from alcohol abuse to OCD. My life changed drastically for the better when I found out that he was ASD1. This was only 5 years ago. When I learned how to communicate in his language, he started behaving differently. We still have challenges, and I still grieve for the marriage I’ll never have, but like the song says “It’s to late to turn back now. “ All my best wishes as you navigate the rough waters of being married to your ASD1 guy.
Thank you Mark. I’m really struggling. We’ve been married 20 years and my husband has severely stonewalled me all 20 years. I always blamed myself because I’d get angry at him because he wouldn’t talk and then I’d blame myself for getting angry and then I’d go apologize. He appears to be such a nice guy to everyone else. I’m the one who suffers for lack of a relationship, he just immerses himself deeper in his work. I discovered your you tube videos a few weeks ago and discovered he has aspergers. Just knowing this has taken off a huge load and it’s the first time I feel validated for my suffering. But I’m afraid our marriage has been suffocated for too long. We have very little left to salvage. I am glad you left a door opened for leaving. I don’t know if I have the courage to leave but I have done all I can and things have only gotten worse. It is so sad...😢. I am a Christian and believe in forgiveness but he is not really sorry for anything he’s done. He doesn’t get it. And you helped me realize that he never will. I have also had some major health problems because of the added stress. I don’t think I can handle any more. Leaving is hard but staying may be even harder. 😢
You’re loved. 🌹
I could have wrote what you wrote except that I am 30 years into marriage. I am a Christian as well. I would love to connect with you.
@@HeartAliveToday Sure let’s connect!!!
@@melodeeandersen5042 I will send you my email address through your YT page. I think that will work. Curious what state you are in. I am in PA.
I’m in Idaho. I’m not too techy and don’t know how to connect on a YT page. 🤷♀️
I'm more depressed currently than at any point in my life. I came from a 15 year physically abusive relationship and I thought I found my Prince. He was so attentive, talkative, nurturing, etc. 10 years together now...he won't touch me, we don't do anything together, he thinks I'm arguing with him when I bring these things up (even when just speaking calmly).
I honestly don't know what to do but I am broken.
I had also come from an abusive marriage, And my current husband is so drastically different and I thought that was what I needed. He was kind and attentive and constantly sent me nice messages.. When we got married the nice messages stopped in an instant.. I had no idea that it was a mask.. I had never heard these things before in my life... It would be 6 years into the marriage before I discovered that he has ASD. At least up until that point I held on to hope that he would understand me and love me enough to try to do the things needed in a marriage... He can't do it... He refuses to try.. So all hope is completely gone and I need peace desperately. I have to leave. It hurts so deep down.. But I have to leave. I feel less lonely by myself than I do when he's in the room.
@@Wirewrap This sounds crazy but at least in my abusive relationship, he was touching me. He at least cared enough to engage in a conversation,an argument, whatever. It was something. Now I get zero. I have to leave too but I don't know how to do that financially at the moment. It's hell.
Those are the same thoughts I've had as well and that's why I have to leave. At least in my abusive relationship There were moments of good where we could actually talk and engage and he would come to me and apologize.. Strangely.. There were moments where he would take responsibility and admit he was wrong.. That has never happened in this current marriage not even one time without some coercion for an apology. I totally know where you're coming from.
@@Wirewrap Glad to know someone understands...because as I said, I'm well aware it sounds crazy. I wish this was a different platform so we could connect! I'm in WI.
I had not long ended a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship when I met my now Asperger’s partner. The stability, security and kindness he seemed to offer was exactly what I thought I needed. Until the mask dropped and silent evenings, silent car rides and being rejected when I try to connect on any level other than general superficial small talk and feeling deeply unheard and unseen became the norm. I do wonder if the trauma from previous relationships leads to being draw to someone with Asperger’s initially in some way.
Hi Mark. Thanks for all your posts. You’ve helped me repeatedly over the past few years. You’ll never know how much difference you make to so many people. I agree that there’s many thousands of undiagnosed ASD adults. My husband was 67 years old and we’d been married 40 years before we finally realised what was actually our reality. Truly, I thank you for what you so freely give to people who are in despair and don’t know where to get help. 🙏
So what’s the point in staying? 20 years. I’m absolutely done. I’m spent. I want out. As a Christian, they tell me I’m doomed to this, and it feels like hell on earth!
Then leave sis! If you’re miserable, leave. You gave it 20 years. Not being happy in this relationship doesn’t make you a failure. Do not stay with someone out of guilt
If he is a Christian too, he has a duty to be your husband. It's always the Christian wives that beat themselves up for not being a 'good Christian ' when it's our husbands refusal/ inability to honour their side of god's contract .
The guilt of nonchristianism will be about 1 percent of your daily life the 99 percent will be bliss
You're not doomed 🤍 Jesus is not condemning you.
I’m a Christian and I had to leave for my sanity. I got out just in time.
Thank you Mark. 🙏🏻 You are an absolute Godsend! 🙌🏻 Newbie 4mths into a relationship with an Aspie man. I got 1 mth of good behaviour before the Narc behaviours started. 😳🥺 I knew he was Aspie 4 yrs ago when we became friends. I had NO IDEA what that meant in a relationship. Once I stood up his behaviours the push back was full on. 3mths of brutal projection, gaslighting all in every conversation everyday!! 😢 Now everything is my fault and I'm a ball breaker. I've tried breaking up with him but the guilt trip is the worst. I think this is worse than Narc abuse as they are just so unaware of anything they do.
I can't do much more than this my mental health has declined so much in 3 mths!!
Thanks to everyone who shares their story. It helps to know I'm not alone. 🙏🏻
I feel like I'm going insane.
Oh my god, I feel like you described everything that is happening in my relationship. In addition to that, my partner has PTSD and his heart is failing. I love him so much but I don’t even know how to maintain stable. He is blaming me for everything bad that has happened to him in our relationship and lectures me about my wrongdoings when all I do is trying to defend myself from his guilt trip. He used to start fights when I triggered him and when he was so angry at me that he wouldn’t be able to stop, then broke up with me all of a sudden. Then acted as if it was a normal fight afterwards. My abandonment anxiety has kept me in that loop. I have come to a point when I can’t go on like that anymore, but I can’t leave him because he is in such a bad physical shape. At the same time I am guilted for everything I do, except if I am there at his side 24/7. I am so exhausted and I feel like I am going crazy. Literally my mental health is deteriorating and I developed anxiety.
My hubby was clinically diagnosed with ADD and bipolar 25 years ago. After researching to help me figure out my son, I have come to the realization my hubby was incorrectly diagnosed. He has ASD and Alexithymia. We will be married 10 years next month.
I am learning to love him where he is, set my expectations so clear. He thrives when I let him know exactly what I need. I laugh often in lieu of being let down and hurt. I am learning to just make light of things. Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you.
My best friend also has an ND spouse and they've been married for 30 some years. I'm learing through watching them and seeing what works and is basically the only way I can hold my 20 year marriage together. The ND spouse is completely unplugged and uncommunicative. My friend has learned to leave it alone and not expect or need from him at all. This then takes the pressure off of him so that she's not his main source of stress. Then she builds her own happiness in her life and just accepts that she has to do everything herself. This is a sad truth that I've been in the process of mourning. Unless I walk away, this is my life as well. Dr. Mark speaks much about the combative, argumentative, melt down ASD spouse but there are those of us who live with ASD partners where be barely get any interaction at all. I've stopped pushing for activity just in hopes of a good conversation, I've stopped hoping for any real contact with depth. It's the only way I can survive and do him a favor of letting go, and realizing that whatever I feel I wish he'd do or say, doesn't live there and never will.
This made me cry, thank you for saying what I couldn’t
You are so spot on! U described me as an empath, right, he's my child I never had, right.
I understand but today is hard so I listen to u.
He doesn't try to fix it, he blames me, laughs and moves on. You're right, clueless. I can't raise a perpetual 12 year old anymore, I'm too old and tired and beat up and heartbroken. I want whatever little bit of my own life is left, BACK.
I appreciate your perspective, it is helpful.
Mark your videos are extremely helpful and helped me understand how a neuro-diverse marriage works. Thank you for the work you doing. God bless you!
I could cry. Although I have hope. Not in changing him but in now what I know. Thank you kindly Mark! You’re a blessing to all! 🌹 It’s gonna be ok.
Thankyou so much for this it explains the last 15 years of my life. I am going to leave because not only does he do all the things you said here but he also lies cheats and is violent, and blames me for those things too. That is not workable and I can’t keep writing those things off as developmental delay and mental instability 😢 I’ve given my all to this man, and you’re so accurate he still openly says to me ‘you are the biggest source of stress in my life’. Your exact words. Nailed it 💯 and that was the nail in the coffin for me. Because I deserve to be the biggest source of joy in somebody’s life, not stress 💔
Trying to be with someone with asd and having past trauma and childhood wounds, makes it very difficult. It feels like I’m being triggered it brings me back to my childhood. I have secure relationships with everyone else and feel that im a pretty mentally healthy person but when I try a relationship with my sons father it makes it diff to not feel triggered and neglected and mental abuse makes me feel sick . I tried being with him and understanding him it only makes my life stressful and he does not help with anything . So being with someone and doing everything is so draining I can’t even be there for myself or
Kid !
I was so happy until mine came back into my life. We’ve known each other for almost 30 years, and dated for a few years when we were in our 30s. I just sold everything I owned and moved across the country to be with him in January, thinking I knew him well. The second I was in the truck packed with everything I owned including my dog and 2 horses, everything changed. Now I’m stuck with him with no means to escape (I sold my car and we’re very rural, so there’s no chance to even make a friend here). His special interest is CONSPIRACY THEORIES, FML. He can’t be challenged on any data, and he can’t help but try to convert me. Every 4th day or so, there’s a massive meltdown with some vicious verbal abuse, usually over some crazy RUclips conspiracy video. I have a marriage with DV in my past, so I’m really dealing with so many ptsd triggers. I can barely get out of bed, let alone try to figure out how to escape this situation.
Thank you Mark for all you do, it makes my journey with my ASD partner easier to understand and manage in a healthier way.
We do have some good points too Viviane, I hope!
Thank you so much for your understanding!!! I have given up on sharing my emotional with my ASD a long time ago..learning more and more about the fact that I was a scapegoat in my family growing up...which has given insight into perhaps why I married my ASD and why he married me...seeing the "s" and "nurturer" printed on my head....
Thank you!!??
Actually, because I don't share my emotional self with ASD because his lack of ability is very hurtful to me..I have a lot of emotional exhaustion......there is no win in this relationship....my ASD is always saying how normal he is and how he thinks things are OK.... I do not have the energy to dispute, confront or discuss his reality....too much trauma has happened...I do my best to understand, be aware, care for myself and my grandchildren...
At the same time that he can't see your emotional needs and calls himself the "normal one" (meaning you are not normal which is very hurtful), he can be very dependent on his NT wife for emotional regulation that he doesn't even know he needs. He wont admit he depends on her for predictable caregiving. The same way a baby doesn't know she needs help getting to sleep when she's tired, an emotionally immature adult will not be aware of their own needs but will organize their wife's day so that his need for structure gets met.
Specifically - She is tasked with lowering his anxiety without any sort of appreciation for her emotional labour. My advice is to find the moments where you can unplug from him for a while and rest. For some nt wives, we may be in marriages where we need to rest every few hours just to cope with the demands on us. Emotionally immature people organize us into their system of needs. They are pros at ignoring our needs. Simply because that part of the brain didnt develop fully. Or adequately. Check out info from Dr. Lindsay gibson. She talks about how the empathy is lacking with emotionally immature people. It isn't fully online the way it is for a more emotionally matured person. Without rest I think NT wives can end up really depleted which can lead to health issues.
Thank you! Of all your videos, this touched me the most!
Same here!
Hi Mark, my ASD-1 husband and I have been listening to your videos, and they have already helped me understand a lot. ☺️ We have been married 20 years, and he was diagnosed 8 years into our marriage with bipolar disorder. In more recent years, he was diagnosed with Asperger‘s or as it's known now ASD1. He has been in therapy for years for his bipolar disorder, but in recent years, we have begun to wonder how much of his bipolar disorder symptoms were actually coming from his ASD diagnosis instead. He grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic father who had bipolar disorder as well. Like you mentioned, I am an empath, so all I know is emotions and feelings. He has told me before he doesn't understand emotions, but he tries. He wrote me a poem once because I told him I love poetry. He is such a good husband in many ways, but he has hurt me emotionally quite a lot through the years. I understand now that his ASD affects his thinking and actions and it's not just him being a jerk, but it's still hard as you said. I am overly emotional and he is non-emotional, which at times makes me feel like he doesn’t love me, even though he says that I am his world. I wonder the reason you find that ASD men many times are married to emotional or empathic women? Is it just a matter of opposites attract?
Hugs.
I think the poem is like bread crumb which is very common scenario for ASP’s wives. That d dudes do nothing for so long. Any mini effort is like the “big event”.
As human we bond thru :
crisis(illness, lose family member, someone got fired at work….accidents, etc)
Validation:
When someone tried something new, someone. Got thru a hard week of work, finished doing chores when no time to eat, making sure kids are fed First before everyhing else.
Trauma,
Like if gotten insulted by Karen/ unfair treatment at work, bad family member cause pain, childhood pain, etc.
.
achievement (entire team go celebrate when finishing project before deadline),
He is not doing any of that.
LET ME WRITE her a poem. Its like missing the point . He wrote u a poem because he chose what u want n actually ---EXPECT u lik e”wow..beautiful”. If u act Stoney face he will actually hold it by yr neck(emotionally ) to be resentful.
Just like my dude--WAS severly OBESE for a few yrs d days he was NOT with me back then. After he lost 70 lb, HIS MOM--would go to grocery store to buy PACK of 12 Coke sugar coke…..ALWAYS making sure stocked in d fridge. The dude always thinking :”I do NOT drink that stuff any more i spent so much time losing that frigin 70 lb took over a yr n half consistent work thousands hours. I do NOT NEED constant coke in d fridge when i open the fridge daily n see coke --he has coke addiction.
D mom always “I thought u like coke, i just get it for u when ever i am at store.” That lasted YEARS,,,,before the guy moved out.
In psychology. Ppl with certain traits. They are selfish. They buy something do something to that person…to fill THEIR own 😮need to feel good. Once a while, they spike this “lovey dovey emotion” that last a few hrs, they do something --as release . So they go back to their own world. Yet if at critical time u REALLY need arms n legs for help even just 5 -10 min…they are like :”i am exhausted. I dont do that….I TOLD U….” N guilt trip u.
Thats manipulation n mental abuse. 😢😮
Just like my dude’s mom who actually knowing my dude’s been losing weight, 3 hr workout daily 5X a week for years. It is so selfish to be like ;”ITs your favorate drink , i am gonna get it for u cuz I care about 1 thing U like, its up to u if u drink it . But if when u do drink it, u know I bought it for u. I make sure I always STAKE of Coke int he fridge.” They treat the human like pet. Pets dont get to choose what they get. Owners choose what they buy , cute squeeky toy, yummy treats. Expect the pet goes crazy for like 20 min, then owner goes off for days doing their own thing before getting another new treat/new toy.
In pet owner brain:”i am doing good. I am offering something once a while. D pet/dog seems extremely excited. So i am VERY good dog owner” meanwhile the dog owner doesnt take care of dog, just watch tv , no dog walking, let the dog run at back yard on its own. No taking dog to dog park, no going to the neighborhood nothing.
@@everybreakingwave hey,,,thx for the caring comments. I hope send u tons hugs. I think ASP guys are d most innocent loof because they are neglected by their own parents. So they do NOT have good role model to formulate things as guidance so they Invent strategy in simple way to cope with things that NO ONE prepared for them. Yet they can be very helpful in TASKS. Cooking , taking care of chores, taking care of ppl in crisis.
Thats the utter things keeps ASP wifes UNABLE to break off tho. The thing is NT guys do the SAME they can be kind also they do all the other. The ASP guys will --pick n choose- n they WILL actually SELF sooth/claim credits for the things they GO OUT OF WAY to help.
Cuz I went thru STAGE 4 anger n stage 1 cancer 2x. I know exactly how they are looking after thru the cancer treatments. D difference is WHAT do they do OUT of that?
In human psychology ,,,when others in crisis, it BOOST dopamine to HELP. So its a premimitive function --reaction , it’s NOT really a “self decided choice”. Like when loved ones in crisis, they feel themselves in crisis ,,,when death in the pic”. So often they can jump OUT of way to help. N as empathy we often seen that as “hedonic,” “well no one else would ever do that”. The hardest thing is to look pass those….”dont all HUMAN do that? “ beyond that, if we did NOT have those , what do they have to offer beside tasks. So when met with my crisis psychologist in my huge cancer hospital, d first thing she did when I bought up the “CANCER” is “ STOP talking about CANCER, everyone will do that when loved on in crisis. When we are in crisis, we see others efforts our brain will empify n glamorize it. We will exaggerate it. In fact anyone who marry/ or with u should be doing that. DO U NOT think U WOULD DO THE SAME for HIM IF HE HAD CANCER???????
What matters --if someone care of u, they will NOT bring u down, they will not make excuses, they will Make sure that yr emotional needs are met, and they will try even if the end result might not match. The lack of trying, or pick n choose is Telling by the action. We need to NOT use bread crumb to falsify those not too bad. Cuz it get us thru the day/week/years. It matters to at LEAST Aknoledge what is OKAY what’s NOT. Because Squeeky wheels get grease. U choose the guy u choose the traits. They already learnt how to manipulate u, so u can come here to talk to me, u are smart u Already know…. But they are NOT going to do anything as LONG as u are still thinking “but but but….they look after me. They did this they did that. Cuz d end of day. U go back to that environment n u have to face that person. Bundaries is set starting NOT making excuses for him just cuz he “helped” here n there. U need emotional support cuz u are a HUMAN. U are NOT a pet. They are selfish, they wil use every ‘Effort” to throw on yr face to GUILT TRIP u to Cave in on yr demands. They know how to work ur psyche. U might be helpless but u need to see thru that. Remember u are a human. U ar someone’s child, u are their loves ones. U are born mean to be loved. YOUR priority is YOU. U need to be made to feel important, and Happy. U are NOT being born to fill the gap. “
Stern n best genuine, clean , accurate, msg i ever received to this date.Thats long ago. Never looking back.
@@birdtj82🎯🎯🎯
Hey Mark, thank you for your empathy and wisdom. I have been watching your videos for many years now, and they are very helpful. What you are doing for the NT partners is truly amazing, and really for any of us who are either NT or ND … if you were to be paid in gold for it you and your wife would be living in a castle and dining from gold plates! Anyway … now into my 23rd year of being with my ND husband type1 ASD. I have chosen option 3, I did try option 2 in our 11th year of marriage. The separation lasted 1 year, but with a young son still to raise at age 51, for practical reasons and also with hope in my heart that he might have became more caring we got back together. It’s now 5 years since I understood the level 1 autistic disorder and he also agrees this is the case. What I wanted to say is the biggest hurt, and the hardest element as a mother is our son having a father on the spectrum, and how I see it affecting the man our son is becoming. Our son is NT he’s now 20. Over the many years I have wondered why his dad couldn’t /wouldn’t be playful with him, and so many other, what I would consider normal parenting behaviours. He is still a very good person and a great role model in many other ways. Our son is a really good young person and he doesn’t know what he has missed out on. I feel sadness for him over that, but he has a good relationship with his father, he has a loving Dad who shows it in practical ways, and our son also loves him, and more recently he has started to see the things that his father is incapable of. Look for the positives as nothing is perfect in this life. Once again, thank you for all the help you have given me Mark. Also you’re looking pretty darn good for someone pushing 70! Kia Kaha (keep a strong heart) and sending aroha (love) to you and your wife, from Aotearoa/NZ
This was timely. I really needed this from you today, Mark. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this. The mask is off in my marriage and my being the empathic NT wife - this explains soooooo much. Thank you for being up front and to the point. Works for me. Tying to figure out my place in this marriage and rolling from there. Keep getting the information out there. You ARE helping.
You are so welcome
Thank you Mark. New Sub. Extremely helpful video. I’m crying as an NT wife.
67? No way 😳 Well whatever your doing, you're looking good on it Mark 🤣
love this channel so much and the absolute beauty in the truth
The perfect message at the right time!! Thank you, for this❤😢
You are so welcome
First of all THANK YOU from the deepest part of my being. I do believe that you taking the time to share your knowledge, experience and quite frankly your skill to communicate it so concisely has quite possibly saved my marriage and the future of my family ❤ Theres no words to express the gratitude I feel for coming accross the information you've taken the time to put out there.
I cant help but think you need a MUCH larger following.
Luckily I believe due to a combination of both learned and innate factors I'll be able to improve both our lives with regards to my husband's anxiety and my level of frustration and resentment, with this information alone. It's such an AHA! moment!
Sadly from experience I know the ability to not take things personally is a very difficult task for many, maybe most. My heart goes out to those strong enough to find the strength to give more of themselves when they're likely already so depleted ❤
I'm going to be sharing your info far and wide albeit in ways that wont violate my husband's privacy. I have know doubt that it will change MANY peoples lives for the better ❤
Your videos are so important to the world. Thank you for sharing your understanding of Aspergers with all of us. It’s made things easier for me.
Thank you so much!
Thanks Mark! I think avoidance is a better way to state his reaction, as to fix it. But I really get your point. It is a very tough situation. The positive is that, without running across your videos several months ago, I would still not understand what is going on with him and why I am so unwell. A sincere thank you. ~J
I agree about the avoidance. It is soul crushing.
You're videos are very helpful because I thought that he was narcissistic but it didn't completely make sense I could tell that he has high functioning autism his mother called it a behavioral problem since he was a child she said he would get angry and then he would be normal again and feel guilty...but she never got him help and she blames herself...his father has the same but hw is more cruel to her
You're looking great for 67!!! 🎉
Could you make something like this for NT husbands?
i feel for them too.
I have a guidebook I created over the last 5 years. If anyone is dealing with frustration I’ll add a chapter from my book to possibly use. I hope this helps !
4. Frustration - the burden I feel is due to the unresolved issues as a result of his avoidance of conflict and confrontation. I can list priorities that I feel I need to resolve asap and give him a time period to revisit. This way I won't get buried in a pile of unresolved issues that may be harmful if unaddressed. An example is credit , financial debts, heart issues that are worsened by stress. These are priority conversations needed to find a resolution!
I can't control the way he reacts to anything he perceived as a personal attack. He often feels this way, he can't discern social ques which is why he can’t sense my distress, it’s not personal so will remind myself of this when he over reacts to neutral statements! This is a reflex for him , expecting him to control this practiced behavior is unrealistic considering his possible or actual diagnosis!
I’ll save myself from a lot of emotional pain by shifting my attention to what I can control which is accomplished when I do not ask why are you looking at me that way or what did you say that in that tone?
This question is a trap made of quicksand.
If it bothers me beyond our ability to address and resolve I will journal how sick I am of his shit without judging myself because I am entitled to my feelings ! I will not hold on to anger . Music soothes my soul so
I will use my playlist " to shift into my creative mind which is more
Flexible then my logic ! Do
not try to
make his behavior make sense. After asking myself once or twice and journaling, I must drop it! Play nostalgic music , set the intention to be as happy as I can all on my own!
CODEPENDENT WHO? NOT ME!
Research codependency, listen to Louise Hay and read Melody’s book codependent no more to gather insights on why codependency attracts partners with emotional dysregulation often as a result of trauma. May love empower us all. One thing we all have to be grateful for is the opportunity to be the generation that breaks dysfunctional relationship patterns by using our experiences as catalyst for healing ❤️🩹
This has helped me immensely. THANK YOU!!!!
I don’t remember watching this but apparently I did.
Even so, I am feeling so encouraged by this.
I just really appreciate these videos. Yes an asd individual struggles so much and in so many different ways, negative experiences that have crushed their spirit, etc.. but those of us trying to be there as a wife, as the one providing the support needs that our spouses have, it's nice to have that acknowledged every so often too😅
I'm happy to be there for my husband, to provide those additional support needs according to his "brand" of autism, and I feel quite satisfied and fulfilled with my life.. but sometimes that occasional acknowledgement of my efforts is the breath of fresh air that keeps me going y'know?
So thankful for you and your videos and this one especially.
I am a daughter and when you said that maybe ASD skips a generation I felt relieved. And also when you speak about this wife as an emotionally intelligent empath I feel relieved because that's probably my mom and me.
Mark, as usual, you hit the nail on the head 💯OMG!!! If my husb was open to it, I would share your videos with him. I feel like I've raised 3 sons instead of 2. I now understand he's not able to give me what I need emotionally. He's a pretty good guy, and he does try. You are correct. We bring stress to each other. As long as things are moving in a way he's comfortable with, non-emotional, we get along well. I couldn't ask for a better roommate 😅 I've learned not to take it personally, but some days are more challenging than others. I will continue to trust and believe things are working out for my good. I haven't given up on him, and that's the last thing I want to do. However, God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Therefore, I'm keeping the faith that things are working out for our good. Im not sure if i would know how to be in a relationship with an NT partner. You are awesome Mark, thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge with us. I appreciate it more than you know 💕
@Mark Hutten M.A. Your kind of explaining is a great relief for me. Your kind of being and way of speaking are sincere & authentic and feel good to me. I really appreciate what you are doing for us by your work. GOAL GOAL GOAL 💯
As the aspie...i need tangable love and connection..using my senses...not magical (you should know) over thin air connection.
Do you mean, words, hugs, time together, love notes? When you say tangible, I wonder what that looks like for you..
Hi, thank you for this video. It was hard to watch as my fiance is an Aspie probably, and your words confirm my worst worries.
I am on a crossroad now and don't know yet which road to take (leave or stay) but it is definitelly better to know what we are dealing with...
@@derekwfrazier thanks for the opinion. Why do you think so?
My ex was confirmed he has it . But these videos make perfect sense in our relationship but then I observe him with other people and he seems fine he seems like he can be there for other people . He sells cars so it’s confusing to not think they are purposely doing it
Its uncomfortable situation all the time ao they explode
Mark I agree with absolutely everything that you say it describes the lifestyle that my NT wife and I struggle with 150% how in the hell do I reach my NT wife to get her to understand and even pick up one of your videos and watch it to try to gain knowledge of what I'm struggling with that's the question I have . I really need an answer but I don't know how to do any of it😢
My guy is quite emotional- but definitely mind blind often… and when stressed, a narcissistic bent… and totally unaware of how to be a father to his daughter. Suspicious, paranoid… and very emotional. Cries at movies but not for real people…
I relate to this so much…
This is me. ASD male here. I can react emotionally to movies since I am a spectator and not interacting with the movie. My brain can't process information and emotion at the same time. If I try to, I get overwhelmed.
That was my mom and dad. My mom did take us and leave. So as the eldest daughter, I took her place trying to figure him out while visiting with him. He never gave up on his relationship with us though. We had lots of fun together. Now I find myself in love with the same level 1 ASD man. It’s crazy. But I’m CRAZY about him. ❤
Was growing up in a home without your father better for you and the family in the long run? I know I am asking only for personal experience, but it is something I am currently struggling with. Will my children be more affected by living in a house where emotions aren’t dealt with, or in a house without their dad? Hard question
Spot on.
Been with my guy for 12 years, he's in the middle of getting his assessment done. We both know he is asd1. He's not cruel to me but definitely not able to fulfill my emotional/physical needs. I have been trying not to take things personally but there are things that can't help but be personal. Like having my dreams of marriage and a family of my own come true...I'm scared I'm running out of time, I'm 36 this year. My guy still won't talk about a real future together. I fear he'll never want the same as me. I love him deeply and don't want to leave but I don't want to sacrifice even more of my dreams when I've already given up so much for this relationship. I really don't know what to do.
I’ve been with my bf for over a year but I am 34 years old and I’m in the same boat, there is 0 talk about future. I am also worried potentially sacrificing the dream of being married with a family, and he knows, I’ve explained, but he just says he can’t think that far ahead. So it’s like swimming in open water in the middle of the night, not knowing if your moving closer to shore or further away and it’s terrifying 😞
Both of you ladies are young, healthy women give birth well into their 40’s drop these guys and find men that will give you what you want. There are men out here waiting for women like you.
Leave him.
Great video Mark...btw...cant believe you're 67...you look very fit & younger than your age
Beautifully said
Thank you kindly
I pray for God to help 🙏 its very difficult.
Like the NT wife has to adapt and change so should the ASD husband. It takes two the tango and put forth effort. It's so very difficult 😢
Thanks!
So basically it's Assburgers. With cheese
"I'd change if I loved her enough"
I love her immensely but have not been able to change and give her the emotional connection she requires. How do I approach this scenario?
I have men's groups...
Do you have any vids to help Adult Children's relationship with their ASD father? I have been alienated from them due to my ex's ASD tricks & denial. Today my Adult Children' are now coming to me for help/understanding while we repair our new relationship. It is awful / criminal what their father did to my three children and myself. Thank you so very much for this Video! You have no idea how helpful this is for me & will be for my children. Yes I did LEAVE him to save my LIFE literally! He tried to kill me so many times by cutting my gas line, my break line & even my steering column he broke. At the time, I did not know it was "HIM" doing it! He is so dangerous. My fear when I left him was that he would harm my children to hurt me for leaving him. I am still in fear of what he may do even though it has been 12 yrs later he is still very sneaky and dangerous. I am still recovering (if I ever do) from my 18 yrs marriage with my ex. with this disorder.
So what do you as an NT do to preserve your sanity?
I’ve concluded autistic individuals, at a certain point of the spectrum. Is very similar to a mound of clay that will not form, despite all the hands on care, explanations of what the condition is contributing to, and desire to aide the individual into developing social and emotional and behavioral skills, it’s not happening because their brain isn’t functioning to grasp it. It is a challenge for the ASP, but the toil on the NT is draining and overwhelming. Despite the NT’s best efforts and contributions, the ASP will not budge beyond a certain level of maturity and understanding. They won’t get it, and the NT will constantly be at the level of frustration and bewilderment as to why the ASP can’t and won’t get it. As I’ve said many times, don’t be unevenly yoked if one is a NT and the other is ASP. It’s misery for both. The ASP is a mound of clay that will not form into the emotional contributions the MT craves. I’m not intending to be mean here, it’s just a fact that many have unfortunately discovered way too late. That spark that attracted you to one another will erupt into an inferno that will consume you both. It’s sad, but true.
Great video, do you happen to have a version of this video but for NT Husbands? Or is everything almost applicable regardless if its a female on the spectrum?
Just switch he with she...
How does labeling people with anything help us improve ourselves? You are the ONLY person you can change in your relationship. Things will NOT improve till you realize this and work on the ONE person in the relationship you can change.....YOU!
Yeahhhhh... but Understanding the other person is important... When the understanding comes with a label that can help you understand more then the label is there 🤷♀️... Once you know what you're dealing with then you can focus on how you react to it. But don't expect the ASD person to ever try to understand you or what your needs are... Unfortunately.
@@Wirewrap must have done a thousand hours of research to try to save our relationship. He read a grand total of zero articles in an attempt to do the same. I learned so much about autism I knew it was never going to work. Such a shame, but I could no longer take the emotional neglect and financial and verbal abuse that came with it. I had to put our child first rather than him.
I believe my mother in law is ASD1. I swear she’s a female Spock. She rarely laughs, talks, and emotionally cold.
My ASD husband told me when we got married I would never be able to be close to her. He wasn’t wrong. His father was verbally abusive and an alcoholic.
Why feed their narcissistic ego? That “neurotypical” spouse, which you’re addressing, is 90% of the problem in the relationship. We saw most of her red flags, early on. We chose to ignore them, thinking she would change for the better. She didn’t. (I’m a problem solver, but I can’t resolve the multifaceted problems with by my neurotypical spouse. It feels like “give&take”, where I give, and she takes)
Mark you look AT LEAST 10yrs younger than your date stamp! What's the secret?
Good video thanks.
Thank you.!
I find my autistic partner does have a good theoretical understanding of other people's emotions, but lacks intuitive understanding in the moment, so he cannot deal with sudden demands.
I say many men have a little ASD. I always thought ASD was like having an extreme male brain. It's a matter of balance, that so many have not attained. Or maybe it's a matter of men not evolving as much as women have, in terms of becoming WHOLE humans being human. Meaning men in general, not men with ASD
New Sub. Do You have ASD? Just wondering? Is that how you understand this so well?
No
He's a therapist specializing in this
@@markhutten Does your wife have it (if you have a wife). Is there support to be found anywhere before your class on 8/3? I am dying.
@@HeartAliveToday She has some of the traits... I have a couples group stating next week. Join: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
@@markhutten thank you.
How do I get my husband to therapy?
My asperger husband doesn't "fix" anything, no matter what!
I lost it at 6:25-6:37 😂😂😂 My ASD fiancee was diagnosed with Autism after we met, and we've been together for 6.5 years. We're both career driven people, who prioritize work over everything else. I absolutely have emotional needs as an NT, but I know better than to take it personally when I am volunteering to be with someone who cannot meet them. Why resent him for his disability? I'd be totally ablist to expect that from him, and think it would be achievable if he "only tried". If I can't meet him with compassion and accommodation, and creative problem solving, I wouldn't be cut out for an ND relationship. If I wasn't self aware enough about my own limitations, or knew how to get those emotional connection needs met independantly - I would not be cut out for this either. I approach our relationship problems (which truthfully are not related to his ASD at all, but things any NT couple could face) in logical ways - flowcharts, whiteboard diagrams and so on. There is no room for blame, accusation, self-critiism or self-pity or victimization - I demand we focus ONLY on the facts. I acknowledge that this is hard - Oddly, I focus far better on objectivity and data and putting emotions aside than he does when it comes to resolving these problems. I am HIGHLY empathetic, but I do not need for that empathy to be reciprocated in order to understand my validity and not take things personally. My ASD fiancee is not malicious - he lacks self awareness, and he requires patience and accommodation if this relationship is to work at all. I give him breaks, tools to stim with, but that only goes so far if the reason he fails is because he doesn't Value it enough, and thinks he Struggles with participating as a team member to logical, motivated, data-driven problem solving way. A struggling person wants to achieve a goal, believes he can, but doesn't know how. If it's a Mindset that is causing failure, it's a person who wants to succeed, knows the steps required, but doesn't believe himself enough to even try and risk failure. I am approaching our relationship problems logically, with the now questionable belief that this is a person who Struggles and requires accommodation, support, compassion and instruction on how to effectively navigate it - but that only goes so far, if its not a struggle issue at all. If failure is derived from lack of self-awareness in to what he Values, nothing I do can change that, nor would I ever want to! My goal now is to help him achieve that self-awareness to help him understand his values enough to confidently know, not just if he values a relationship (he might), but if he values it Enough. And we all have our threshold when something we value becomes too high of a cost than the benefit is worth, me included. We all have Objective and Perceived capabilities that must be tested and critically evaluated on an ongoing basis. Living inauthentically is a surefire way to be unhappy. I love my ASD fiancee too much to see him unhappy because he is not living congruent with his values because he isn't aware of them in the first place. When I know he isn't aware of them because his whole life, when he has been his authentic self, the world has taught him that its unacceptable. And so that genuine identity is snuffed out to survive. And wether or not this relationship is what he values, my time is well spent if he sincerely values uncovering, accepting and living according to who he is - even at the cost of the relationship ending. But again, I can only help someone who struggles to struggle less. Struggling is okay! We all struggle with things. If this relationship, or achieving self actualization is not valuable *Enough* to him, this relationship simply cannot continue out of fairness to the two of us, because that goal would then be unattainable. I'm not here to change him or fix him. I absolutely embrace him now, and I embrace who he may turn out to be on the other side of this, however unrecognizable. I am here to teach him he is acceptable as he is, and give him permission to learn what he values and to live by it - relationship be damned. THIS is what it means to be an NT wife who loves an ASD husband. But just like an NT husband, a person who isn't self aware about what they value and genuine accept what they value (no matter if the people around him judge him for it) then you cannot possibly trust them when they tell you what they want, especially when their behaviour is incongruant with someone who values something, but is challenged by Struggles or Mindset to achieve success. Does he want to be self-aware enough because he believes it will reduce his anxiety living in a NT world? Or, is it in fact too much effort than it's worth, when those anxiety-reducing results can be achieved short-term with Distraction through special interests? I want to be with someone who wants to be with me - that's realistic, and something I know I deserve. I am spending my life now, with someone who potentially may not, but prioritize his self-actualization and happiness over the relationship itself, so that I can then move on to a relationship with someone self-aware enough that I can trust they value the relationship, because they live authentically in the face of social rejection instead of practicing this Chameleon Compliance so many ASDs need to in order to survive. I agree, Autism is likely underdiagnossd. But the social-emotional problems, the anxiety problems, in my opinion, are all derived from non-malicious, non-narcissistic, non-selfish inauthenticity due to lack of self awareness to their values in fear of the consequences of social rejection, Autistics or not. These indivduals need to know they are acceptable, and to be given permission to be their authentic selves instead of putting this pressure on themselves to "say the right thing" or "appear norrmal". That's exhausting, to both them and the people around them. And it's painful to see someone you love doing that to themselves unknowingly. It's confusing and frustrating to have a partner say one thing but behave in a totally contradictory way. This issue is not unique to ASD. This issue is in, most cases, due to lack of self-awareness and lack of self-acceptance, certainly not narcissism or malice. Occam's Razor - Its unintentional Ignorance. No wonder so many people are anxious without knowing why. Ignorance to their values, and fear of the social consequences of living by them. This is why Transgender suicide rates are high. This is why gay men marry in to heteronormative relationships, start a family, either unaware of their sexual identity, or find the potential social rejection consequences far less tolerable than the consequences of living inauthentically to their identity and values. Adjusting your expectations doesn't mean lowering them, or denying yourself your needs and values. Other NT wives may not be any better than their ASD husband's at being self aware. It's entirely possible un-self aware NT wives are driving themselves crazy in their ND marriage because they THINK they value that relationship, but instead want things to change that are impossible to change. They don't value their ND relationship, nor do they ever have to! Nor does the ASD husband have to! They just need to be self aware enough about their needs, values and limitations to distinguish that cost-benefit threshold on if they value it *enough*. I can confidently say my observable behaviour (offerring accommodation, creative problem solving, looking out for my emotional needs independently by pursuing my passions rather than putting the pressure on him to meet them) proves with consustancy it is reliable to trust I am invested in and value this relationship, and all that comes either it, *enough*, when I say I do. And if that threshold is reached, it does not make me a failure to tap out. It makes me a failure to resent the other person when I'm forcing myself to live inauthentically past that cost-benefit threshold and be miserable because of which. Stop doing that to yourself.
I just have a hard time believing aspergers partners don't know what they are doing when they hurt someone.. If he gets up every morning "consistently" goes to work fatefully and grasp that if he does not then the bills won't get paid, then surely he can learn to love and meet your emotional needs consistently as well. I mean seriously think about it, He knows if he doesn't go to work he will lose his job. Marriage is work and if he fails to show up emotionally, then he should know he will lose his spouse. I always say people will prioritize what they feel is important. These people are not babies and I think people give them a pass to be lazy in a relationship. My husband knows I suffering an illness and I use to beg him to look it up to learn more about it and I also talked to him as well about it. When I found out about him having aspergers, Thats same day I was looking up everything cause I wanted to understand him better. He has never looked up my illness but as we speak, he's upstairs studying for a test at work. Hes choosing whats important to him. Im only here so my kids can have a 2 parent home and he loves the boys and im only staying till our 4 boys leave the nest after they leave.....I will be alone the only difference is that the silence will be louder where as the kids filled that space with laughter, crying,whinging, questions, all the great stuff kids do...Im only living for them at this point....🤫🤭
@@puttervids472 " Never feel at home"???.... please explain what you mean by this and im asking you to because a light bulb went off when you made this statement.
@@Blinkgirlsareperfect Trust me, I get it. It's true, my ASD fiancee is a Registered Nurse. He is exceptional at it. I believe medicine became a sort of "specialized interest" to make him feel that sense of human connection he craves - if he can't understand a person on an emotional level, then he compensates by understanding them based on their vital signs. His exceptional talent in this profession, his outstanding performance to save lives, devote energy and commitment to it simply cannot he compared. If you were dealing with an NT husband, sure, wether uts emotional energy or cognitive energy, the consequences of falling short are equally understood. ASDs, in my opinion, retain a sense of control by throwing themselves in to their work where their performance and competence is viewed highly, and like anyone, would be far less motivated in a scenario where he always falls short. So again, distinguish between, as I said above, an ASD husband who Struggles, who has a Sabotaging Mindset, or simply doesn't Value the relationship *enough*. And not valuing it *enough* is something that everyone needs to know how to evaluate for themselves, ASD or not. You need to be okay with confronting that he may not value it *enough* to meet *your expectations* - and know that it's perfectly okay, until you see that as a personal attack. Both you, and him, should live authentically to your values, and honor what each other needs without putting in investment and effort that is, in actual fact, insincere on both your part and his. I have an illness too! But ASD or not, how fair is it to expect an RN who is looking after people all day to then come hone and look after me? It's like the assumption that if you marry a Chef you'll get to enjoy restaurant quality meals at home everyday, and that couldn't be further from the truth. No one owes you (or him) anything. Don't beg someone to take interest in something *enough*, and then simultaneously be offended when they don't. Personally I'd rather genuine interest over for interest or curiosity. Pressuring my ASD fiancee to meet certain unrealistic/impossible criteria to be competent enough of a partner to have a relationship would perpetuate the cycle if withdrawing from the things he doesn't understand and throwing him in to things (like work) that are far easier to understand. Your ASD husband is worthy of accommodation, but only to a point. If his needs surpass what you're able to give, that isn't fair to either of you. And that goes both ways. If YOUR needs surpass what he is able to give, how is that any different? To attribute it to lack of sensitivity is inherently ablist. I know it's a challenge to understand him - it's a challenge for him to understand you too. If you're attributing his negligence from a place of malice, and being resentful at him for it, you are simply not cut out for this, and that does NOT make you a failure, or a bad person, whatsoever.
@@Blinkgirlsareperfect Also... how is his behavior any different from any NT workaholic? If you don't admire the profession your husband has, or his significant impact and unique talents that go way beyond you, it's no wonder you're making it about you! As anyone married to a worlaholic would! You are comparing the value of his work to the value of the marriage.... and inherently that has to do with simply not appreciating the work he does, and making the egocentric assumption that the marriage, in the grand scheme of things, is worth more time and energy. I don't know what your husband does. Mine being an RN, and a damn good one, would rob the health care system of the blessing he truly is to that profession. I'm completely on board with throwing himself in to his work lime he does. I sign up every day to support him, rather than make him feel shitty for it. No... ASD or not, RNs (like Chefs) have to miss birthdays, anniversaries and so on... again, not a uniquely ASD issue at all.
@@puttervids472 You're on point with the ignorant cruelty anyone who discriminates against the disability unknowingly demonstrates. I have emotional needs, but I'd be foolish to expect that from my ASD fiancee - Its not constructive to say who has it worse, all that matters is that you meet each other where you're at, and if that's not to either of your satisfaction, then if perciebed capabilities are not tested for objectivity, then, like and relationship, ASD or NT, it will only make you miserable to feel inadequate and feel your needs are neglected. If the ASD husband articulates he needs time to himself to decompress whwn he promised a date night? Tough, does his needs not matter either? Of course they do. In any relationship you are essentially, by default, required to willingly compromise within your limits - and certainly don't resent the person for their honesty in advocating their needs, or hold it against them later if you agree to honor them.
@markhutten does this replie for nt husband
of course
So what do you do about it to survive
At least the nt wife can leave her ASD husband.He has to live in the nt world at least until it drives him to desperate measures.Let that sink in and see if you can empathise with that nt's after all you are all sooo empathetic.
He says he loves me. Does he?
I agree that there are countless undiagnosed individuals, past and present. And I'll also guess that many of the "NT wives" you're talking to ALSO have ASD1. It looks very different in women. There's a reason why they ended up together, because we do tend to find one another. Or perhaps she's ADHD. But it's likely that she's also ND to some extent, and she may be having her own social/sensory issues and never had any formal diagnosis or support.
I'd argue the opposite. I think those with ASD seek out the attributes in people they do not have themselves. Over time, we pick up his traits just to keep the peace ( Aspergation it's known as). He cannot meet us in the middle, so we have to travel all the way to his comfort zone. Just as being forced to live as an NT is damaging to the Autist, living as an Autist is damaging to the NT.
@clairhonnor6211 there's quite a bit of literature that supports the idea that ASD Individuals form relationships through shared interests, and that many ASD adults discover themselves on the spectrum after a number of their social circle begin to be diagnosed. There are studies about communication between ND and NT people that show how communication difficulties seem to fall away when the test subjects were placed in homogeneous groups, rather than mixed together. There's tons of anecdotal discussion online about how ND people seem to find one another and form relationships, both platonic and romantic. There's all kinds of new information about how differently ND women present from their male counterparts. Sarah Hendrickx and Tony Attwood describe the ways we find one another, often unknowingly. That the stereotypical undiagnosed ND couple will be the engineer husband and the wife who works in a caregiver profession of some sort. It's totally a thing!
thank you. but dude, please, since you can, please, really, aknowledge some wifes you're talking about are autistic themselves... my mom was actually similar to these husbands you talk about... it was hell ...
i think i am even less equipped than the NT wife to cope...
I acknowledge that (of course)...
Are you asd mark?
no
@@markhutten ah OK, I hear that comment a lot that you are, and you talk about your dad having asd traits so thought you might be