Good info on the audio and visual. My only suggestion would be to have the info separate. It was really hard to focus on the message while reading that much. Thanks for all you do.
Fantastic, spot on description of how I’m feeling now and the last 30 years in my marriage. I’m crying listening to this. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not crazy.
Meet an austic man was the worst mistake of my life. Never again and I would never allow my children to date a non NT. It's like dating yourself and meeting your own needs.
I understand you had a bad experience, but it is not the same for everybody. Many people on the spectrum are willing to learn to meet their partner’s needs because they genuinely want to be a good partner. And the same goes for any NT partner who’ll need to learn about how ASD works. Nowadays information is more available and you don’t have to figure it out later in life after many relationship struggles.
Well, it’s seems Im already doomed. I got married before autism was something everybody knew and before Internet. I just noticed like a year after the marriage how his behavior changed and I had no idea of what were happening. I tried talking I tried bickering I tried writing notes, everything and nothing worked. I did everything that I knew then, everything that everybody did in similar situations but didn’t work so I thought he was an alien, not a human. Now that I know, is late, I am already sick, very sick, some of the damage is irreversible according to the doctors so to recover my physical health I will need a miracle
@@51elephantchang he changed a lot. He stopped chatting, wanted to be alone assembling computers (hobby), stopped watching comedy movies (that I really love) and other changes of behavior.
The only way to watch this video: mute the audio and watch it, then put headphones in and listen to it while not looking at it. You can't do both at the same time.
What sucks, is knowing your whole life that something is wrong, and getting all the wrong help - family forcing you to build a life and a marriage I can’t actually handle but desperately want.
This is so thorough, but the relationship is so exhausting. I am NT and fell in love with someone who wasn't sure they were ND but it's been brought up a lot and to me it's obvious. The communication can be so hard as I am ultra extroverted, but they were so incredibly present and caring for me during the deaths of two cats in a way I will always be grateful for and cried on the phone with me. It allowed me to realize how deeply he feels, just so often doesn't show it. Unfortunately I fell quickly for him and he cares about me but isn't in love back, but we still talk daily and have dates as we try and go from lovers to friends, something not successful yet. But I find when he asks how I am I tell him about my feelings and say, and I don't get much back. He will be vulnerable about childhood or past hurt, but it's hard to get current emotions from him. I do bring this up. I'm trying to give him the space he needs to isolate which is something I know he needs because he told me, and also be more concrete with plans and questions and skip nuances. The connection in some ways is so deep and we have incredible fun together and deep intimacy. But then other times it's like we are sailing two different planets.
Could you do a video on the struggles of wives with autism. I feel like the majority of these videos are on Asperger’s husbands and NT wives. I’m a woman with HFA and it feels like I’m under represented.
I love my husband with all my heart, but he is my number 1 source of anxiety. He doesn't feel respected. He feels that I give all my family equal attention, and that frustrates him. He then wants to "talk," and raises my anxiety...BUT being a man, he won't back down, and give me a break from the talking. He keeps pushing until I shut down or melt down. If I walk away, he feels unloved.
If Mark or anybody who's familiar with ASD can help us to find an answer to this situation please. A man with ASD tells his NT girlfriend every day that she means so much to him, that he will do anything for her and he loves her so much in a really trustful way. But she has been in very difficult situations.. she had to leave her house on few occasions, when father of her daughter came to visit her and been abusive to her to that level, that she had to leave the house and sleep in her car overnight. She phoned her ASD boyfriend and all what he could offer her is a supportive talk on the phone, he even did not think to invite her to spend a night in his house. It feels so strange, because she was welcome to his house when visit was planned. Is it an autistic trait or just his personal character?
I thought it was his personal character but in fact it's the autistic trait. I can so imagine my ASH does that for not inviting me over when I am in crisis. That also makes me think so much. My thinking process would be like...does he have something to hide? (since he let me in when we scheduled the visit)....later I would dismiss that maybe his place is too messy/dirty so he didn't want me to see it. Then, I wondered if he truly cares about me but I do feel his love and support. This loop can go on & on (and drive me crazy!). Basically, if you keep on this relationship, you will forever guess why, why, why.... When my husband (then boyfriend) were dating, he was very supportive on the phone while we were having a long distance courtship. I also felt the love but he couldn't commit for 3 years (I asked for a plan of our future but he kept telling me we were doing well together so we kept seeing each other) until I stopped taking phone call from him for a month. Then, he suddenly proposed in his crappy apartment (that we can never go back to celebrate any anniversary! BAD MOVE!) With so much practice, now I can almost detect the AS traits rather quickly by interacting with the person briefly. Honestly, so many guys out there are like that these days. It's like a pandemic.
@@lifeseries7944 @Life Series, @NewGenesisConnection Thank you so much for your replies and words of support. I think you two are very strong women having to deal with this for so many years. I'm currently looking after my friend, who had a stroke after breaking up with that AS man. She loved him, but his words were never connected with his actions and after eighteen months of being with him it was too much. We just worried now that he will do this to other women, causing more damage to peoples lives.
@@sireng3718 I am so sorry about your friend who had a stroke. I hope the physical therapy helps her to recover and gains back what she loses. It's possible! You are such a great friend who looks after your friend.
@@lifeseries7944 Thank you, I'm looking after her, because she's such a lovely person and hasn't deserve that what happened to her and she does not have any family around except her teen daughter. I wish you'll find some peace in your life..
Well, did the women DIRECTLY asked if she can spend a night, or did she just assume that the guy should figure it out on his own? Because for someone with AS it's not that obvious what to say, when, how to appropriately answer to someone's distress, because they can't understand the clues intuitively like the neurotypicals do. Talking with an AD you should be specific, especially if they encounter the *particular* situation for the first time. Don't just assume they will intuitively read between the lines, and when when they don't, hold some kind of resentment. "She phoned her ASD boyfriend and all what he could offer her is a supportive talk on the phone, he even did not think to invite her to spend a night in his house."
This info is great. However it would be great if these examples were for my husband to deal with me who has ASD it seems that our problems have some similarities but manifest themselves quite differently; and from most autistic females I have spoken to as well. I realize that there are many more men diagnosed with ASD, however the numbers are rising as many of us have went undetected or misdiagnosed into our 40’s and 50’s 🙋🏼♀️
I sent this to my husband to watch, and I’m hoping he will. I’m afraid that he will pick out one thing from it and shove it in my face about what he perceives I do And will not want to talk. If he does that Then I will consider there is no hope for our 35 year marriage. Our grown Daughters already want nothing to do with him. His six granddaughters will learn in time what it’s like, but we try to shield them at their young ages. I’m tired of him getting mad for disagreeing with me and calling me a bitch, calling his daughters a bitch, and occasionally the 5 year old
I don't think this is fair. They likely do care - it will vary by person based on their individual capabilities. Every ASD person is different. But Neurotypical people need to understand important concepts like double empathy. They have as much empathy (or even more) than you, but it works differently for ASD people. Exactly as said in the video. If you fail to recognise this and treat them like an NT rather than ASD person you may be playing a role in making the situation worse. It's a shame he didn't cover double empathy in the video as the rest of the content was excellent.
@@AdyXerShe didn’t say uncaring nor unempathetic. She said uninterested. I fully believe my husband cares deeply but he IS completely disinterested to the point that as stated above it almost doesn’t matter if he can help it or not. Maybe it’s as an NT person but I’d like to just talk to my spouse sometimes. So for him to just be annoyed because he doesn’t want to listen to anything outside of his special interests makes life really lonely.
@markhutten I think this is an excellent video with some really great and useful advice. I would add the following though. 1. Please explain double empathy and how autistic people do have empathy but it works differently - this links closely to the snap turtle analogy. 2. The videos I have seen where an NT wife and ASD man have a functioning/ healthy relationship...the NT wife has made (possibly significant) accomodations for their ASD husband. I really like the snap turtle analogy...but I think it's not just about recognising your ASD partner as actually ASD and therefore with different needs. You will need to make some specific (ideally agreed) accommodations to those needs. If you don't you've only gone part way and you are putting too much pressure on the ASD partner to do all the change - which as the video says may work short term but long term they won't be able to do it alone - no matter how much they love you.
Any advice for dating (before the full-on commitment stage)? ie. how long before you can tell if you were just a special interest? Random PSA: Get off the railroad tracks, y’all :(
I don’t think a person could be his/her special interest. The person will be for some time. Then he/her will be back to the special interest and the person will be totally confused thinking “what I did wrong?”
Very good. What if that HFA/ASD make is in denial of the diagnosis and can’t see any of their contribution to the relationship failing? These tips are golden but only if the autistic husband/partner is WILLING. Can you be both ASD and Narcissistic? He assumed that traditional NT-NT therapy would be adequate, and when it wasn’t, projects and tried to diagnose me as the problem, namely that I also have ASD or “borderline personality disorder” - and must be punished by his leaving of the family home. His diagnosing of me has yet to be agreed or confirmed by several psychiatrists. We have a 2 year old son and are managing to coparent at a distance, relatively well. Sad.
I feel for you Isabel. It seems as though if the HFA/ASD partner isn’t willing to acknowledge their part whether it be because of autism itself and the associated lack of theory of mind (ie mindblindness/the ability to step into your shoes & see things from your point of view), you have to decide whether you are able to make changes to your expectations. It kind of seems like it’s up to to the NT partner to decide whether they can/are happy to make changes even if their partner won’t/isn’t able. A mistake I also made was applying NT principles which you can’t do in ND relationships. In saying that, if he can’t/won’t accept that ND might be an issue in your relationship then you could argue, should you give him passes for ASD?!
extremely knowledgable, as i have a partner with Asbergers and i am going through the same problems as you have disgusted . however your video is hard to watch as im reading the writing while trying to listen at the same time, bit difficult to follow.
Both my daughter and her husband have Asperger's, my daughter has realised this but her husband has not and refuses to talk about it. Their life together is not good and their son is paying the consequences. What can they do?
I'm an autistic woman and if my man can't accept my special interest or other autistic traits, I will divorce him on the spot. I dealt with enough of that crap in childhood. I am not going to deal with it as an adult.
Good info on the audio and visual. My only suggestion would be to have the info separate. It was really hard to focus on the message while reading that much. Thanks for all you do.
I agree. The content of both is excellent, but tiring to deal with both at the same time.
No joke. I'm NT and the words don't even match the audio and it makes it awful! The information is MUCH needed but I can't imagine seeing it from ASD!
I am listening to it without looking and will play it again later muted
@@cherylhooper9318 I was thinking the exact thing 🤯😆
@@Julie-cb4cq, me, too!
Fantastic, spot on description of how I’m feeling now and the last 30 years in my marriage. I’m crying listening to this. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not crazy.
Thanks for listening
Meet an austic man was the worst mistake of my life. Never again and I would never allow my children to date a non NT. It's like dating yourself and meeting your own needs.
I understand you had a bad experience, but it is not the same for everybody. Many people on the spectrum are willing to learn to meet their partner’s needs because they genuinely want to be a good partner. And the same goes for any NT partner who’ll need to learn about how ASD works. Nowadays information is more available and you don’t have to figure it out later in life after many relationship struggles.
I understand you so well.. Sadly
Meeting is not the same as dating. The sentiment of this comment seems super discriminatory.
Best comment I've seen in a really long time.
I am always taking care of myself.. in every way. Every. Way.
what do you mean "dating yourself and meeting your own needs" ?
Well, it’s seems Im already doomed. I got married before autism was something everybody knew and before Internet. I just noticed like a year after the marriage how his behavior changed and I had no idea of what were happening. I tried talking I tried bickering I tried writing notes, everything and nothing worked. I did everything that I knew then, everything that everybody did in similar situations but didn’t work so I thought he was an alien, not a human. Now that I know, is late, I am already sick, very sick, some of the damage is irreversible according to the doctors so to recover my physical health I will need a miracle
I know how that feels!
@@heavenswindsong Amen. Thanks
@@NonyaSmith I’m really sorry 😞
Are you sure he changed or did you not see the real him?
@@51elephantchang he changed a lot. He stopped chatting, wanted to be alone assembling computers (hobby), stopped watching comedy movies (that I really love) and other changes of behavior.
The only way to watch this video: mute the audio and watch it, then put headphones in and listen to it while not looking at it. You can't do both at the same time.
What sucks, is knowing your whole life that something is wrong, and getting all the wrong help - family forcing you to build a life and a marriage I can’t actually handle but desperately want.
Totally understand this
This is so thorough, but the relationship is so exhausting. I am NT and fell in love with someone who wasn't sure they were ND but it's been brought up a lot and to me it's obvious. The communication can be so hard as I am ultra extroverted, but they were so incredibly present and caring for me during the deaths of two cats in a way I will always be grateful for and cried on the phone with me. It allowed me to realize how deeply he feels, just so often doesn't show it. Unfortunately I fell quickly for him and he cares about me but isn't in love back, but we still talk daily and have dates as we try and go from lovers to friends, something not successful yet. But I find when he asks how I am I tell him about my feelings and say, and I don't get much back. He will be vulnerable about childhood or past hurt, but it's hard to get current emotions from him. I do bring this up. I'm trying to give him the space he needs to isolate which is something I know he needs because he told me, and also be more concrete with plans and questions and skip nuances. The connection in some ways is so deep and we have incredible fun together and deep intimacy. But then other times it's like we are sailing two different planets.
Listened-now I’m going back, sound off, to read the screen messages.
Thank you! We have been married 14 years and this will help me be a better wife and more understanding. Thank you
Wonderful!
Have you ever considered a documentary? Or a movie style explaining the overarching issues with ASD relationships.
Could you do a video on the struggles of wives with autism. I feel like the majority of these videos are on Asperger’s husbands and NT wives. I’m a woman with HFA and it feels like I’m under represented.
I love my husband with all my heart, but he is my number 1 source of anxiety. He doesn't feel respected. He feels that I give all my family equal attention, and that frustrates him. He then wants to "talk," and raises my anxiety...BUT being a man, he won't back down, and give me a break from the talking. He keeps pushing until I shut down or melt down. If I walk away, he feels unloved.
If Mark or anybody who's familiar with ASD can help us to find an answer to this situation please. A man with ASD tells his NT girlfriend every day that she means so much to him, that he will do anything for her and he loves her so much in a really trustful way. But she has been in very difficult situations.. she had to leave her house on few occasions, when father of her daughter came to visit her and been abusive to her to that level, that she had to leave the house and sleep in her car overnight. She phoned her ASD boyfriend and all what he could offer her is a supportive talk on the phone, he even did not think to invite her to spend a night in his house. It feels so strange, because she was welcome to his house when visit was planned. Is it an autistic trait or just his personal character?
I thought it was his personal character but in fact it's the autistic trait. I can so imagine my ASH does that for not inviting me over when I am in crisis. That also makes me think so much. My thinking process would be like...does he have something to hide? (since he let me in when we scheduled the visit)....later I would dismiss that maybe his place is too messy/dirty so he didn't want me to see it. Then, I wondered if he truly cares about me but I do feel his love and support. This loop can go on & on (and drive me crazy!). Basically, if you keep on this relationship, you will forever guess why, why, why....
When my husband (then boyfriend) were dating, he was very supportive on the phone while we were having a long distance courtship. I also felt the love but he couldn't commit for 3 years (I asked for a plan of our future but he kept telling me we were doing well together so we kept seeing each other) until I stopped taking phone call from him for a month. Then, he suddenly proposed in his crappy apartment (that we can never go back to celebrate any anniversary! BAD MOVE!)
With so much practice, now I can almost detect the AS traits rather quickly by interacting with the person briefly. Honestly, so many guys out there are like that these days. It's like a pandemic.
@@lifeseries7944 @Life Series, @NewGenesisConnection Thank you so much for your replies and words of support. I think you two are very strong women having to deal with this for so many years. I'm currently looking after my friend, who had a stroke after breaking up with that AS man. She loved him, but his words were never connected with his actions and after eighteen months of being with him it was too much. We just worried now that he will do this to other women, causing more damage to peoples lives.
@@sireng3718 I am so sorry about your friend who had a stroke. I hope the physical therapy helps her to recover and gains back what she loses. It's possible! You are such a great friend who looks after your friend.
@@lifeseries7944 Thank you, I'm looking after her, because she's such a lovely person and hasn't deserve that what happened to her and she does not have any family around except her teen daughter. I wish you'll find some peace in your life..
Well, did the women DIRECTLY asked if she can spend a night, or did she just assume that the guy should figure it out on his own? Because for someone with AS it's not that obvious what to say, when, how to appropriately answer to someone's distress, because they can't understand the clues intuitively like the neurotypicals do.
Talking with an AD you should be specific, especially if they encounter the *particular* situation for the first time. Don't just assume they will intuitively read between the lines, and when when they don't, hold some kind of resentment.
"She phoned her ASD boyfriend and all what he could offer her is a supportive talk on the phone, he even did not think to invite her to spend a night in his house."
This info is great. However it would be great if these examples were for my husband to deal with me who has ASD it seems that our problems have some similarities but manifest themselves quite differently; and from most autistic females I have spoken to as well. I realize that there are many more men diagnosed with ASD, however the numbers are rising as many of us have went undetected or misdiagnosed into our 40’s and 50’s 🙋🏼♀️
I am also an ASD wife, with an NT husband, and finally diagnosed in my 50's.
There are other channels about ASD women like Yo Samdy Sam and Mom on the Spectrum.
change needs to come from both sides
I sent this to my husband to watch, and I’m hoping he will. I’m afraid that he will pick out one thing from it and shove it in my face about what he perceives I do And will not want to talk. If he does that Then I will consider there is no hope for our 35 year marriage.
Our grown Daughters already want nothing to do with him. His six granddaughters will learn in time what it’s like, but we try to shield them at their young ages.
I’m tired of him getting mad for disagreeing with me and calling me a bitch, calling his daughters a bitch, and occasionally the 5 year old
Communication crucial! Certainly don't rush into any marriage with anyone!!
Sadly the nature of the disorder makes them so astonishingly selfish and uninterested in you that it just doesn't matter if they can't help it.
I don't think this is fair. They likely do care - it will vary by person based on their individual capabilities. Every ASD person is different. But Neurotypical people need to understand important concepts like double empathy. They have as much empathy (or even more) than you, but it works differently for ASD people. Exactly as said in the video. If you fail to recognise this and treat them like an NT rather than ASD person you may be playing a role in making the situation worse. It's a shame he didn't cover double empathy in the video as the rest of the content was excellent.
@@AdyXerShe didn’t say uncaring nor unempathetic. She said uninterested. I fully believe my husband cares deeply but he IS completely disinterested to the point that as stated above it almost doesn’t matter if he can help it or not. Maybe it’s as an NT person but I’d like to just talk to my spouse sometimes. So for him to just be annoyed because he doesn’t want to listen to anything outside of his special interests makes life really lonely.
This is very to the point.
@markhutten I think this is an excellent video with some really great and useful advice. I would add the following though.
1. Please explain double empathy and how autistic people do have empathy but it works differently - this links closely to the snap turtle analogy.
2. The videos I have seen where an NT wife and ASD man have a functioning/ healthy relationship...the NT wife has made (possibly significant) accomodations for their ASD husband.
I really like the snap turtle analogy...but I think it's not just about recognising your ASD partner as actually ASD and therefore with different needs. You will need to make some specific (ideally agreed) accommodations to those needs. If you don't you've only gone part way and you are putting too much pressure on the ASD partner to do all the change - which as the video says may work short term but long term they won't be able to do it alone - no matter how much they love you.
Struggling to listen and read at same time. The screen is changing quickly. I have ADD.,
Thank you for your wisdom 💕
Any advice for dating (before the full-on commitment stage)? ie. how long before you can tell if you were just a special interest?
Random PSA: Get off the railroad tracks, y’all :(
I don’t think a person could be his/her special interest. The person will be for some time. Then he/her will be back to the special interest and the person will be totally confused thinking “what I did wrong?”
He will ‘learn’ you & then if you’re no longer as interesting to him, you’ll know.
Very good. What if that HFA/ASD make is in denial of the diagnosis and can’t see any of their contribution to the relationship failing? These tips are golden but only if the autistic husband/partner is WILLING. Can you be both ASD and Narcissistic? He assumed that traditional NT-NT therapy would be adequate, and when it wasn’t, projects and tried to diagnose me as the problem, namely that I also have ASD or “borderline personality disorder” - and must be punished by his leaving of the family home. His diagnosing of me has yet to be agreed or confirmed by several psychiatrists. We have a 2 year old son and are managing to coparent at a distance, relatively well. Sad.
🥺
I feel for you Isabel. It seems as though if the HFA/ASD partner isn’t willing to acknowledge their part whether it be because of autism itself and the associated lack of theory of mind (ie mindblindness/the ability to step into your shoes & see things from your point of view), you have to decide whether you are able to make changes to your expectations. It kind of seems like it’s up to to the NT partner to decide whether they can/are happy to make changes even if their partner won’t/isn’t able.
A mistake I also made was applying NT principles which you can’t do in ND relationships. In saying that, if he can’t/won’t accept that ND might be an issue in your relationship then you could argue, should you give him passes for ASD?!
Remarkable insight.
extremely knowledgable, as i have a partner with Asbergers and i am going through the same problems as you have disgusted . however your video is hard to watch as im reading the writing while trying to listen at the same time, bit difficult to follow.
Hi Mark, thanks so much for helping us with this matter. So you have a podcast?
Yes I do! Private membership though...
Both my daughter and her husband have Asperger's, my daughter has realised this but her husband has not and refuses to talk about it. Their life together is not good and their son is paying the consequences. What can they do?
What if they claim to have this as a partner but seem to not have these traits with their family or friends? I'm male and she's female BTW.
Masking
Very good
Throw in menopause for the nt.....your doomed....just doomed.
Just call me Cassandra. 😩
How interesting, as far as I can tell this talk is about autism sufferers struggling and women becoming selfish.
I'm an autistic woman and if my man can't accept my special interest or other autistic traits, I will divorce him on the spot. I dealt with enough of that crap in childhood. I am not going to deal with it as an adult.
@@TheImapotato Totally agree the nt entitlement is strong here.
I have come to the conclusion that NT should be with NT and Autism for Autism. You have to walk on egg shell all the time. I'm the NT.
@@Akinslynda I think I agree with that too. All of my boyfriends were also on the spectrum. I just could never click with NT men.
“All your boyfriends “? How long your relationships usually last?
You sound err. .. “nice”