he's not saying to tell him first, he's saying to leave first and when he reaches out, after he gets help and IF she wants the marriage to continue, to lay down the expectations before she thinks about coming back.
Exactly!!!! Leave quietly. When the separation happens...that's when the sh** hits the fan! The most dangerous time. Prepare well. Take all the paperwork where is all your details. Harm can be done with your social security number and bank details. Delete your credit card details from phones/apps etc. Often the abuser will try to continue the abuse this way. Mute your phone location. Also in apps. Switch your phone off when you leave if you are not sure how to make it and change phone number immeaditely. Do not do obvious packing, but have a look where everything is that you want to take with you and can pack everything together in a few hours. (Have a friend come over to help you get out of the door.) Book a few nights in the hotel in some other location than your obvious place of escape. And adjust to the situation after that. Keep your relatives on the look out. And depending of your abuser, you might need to be worried for the next few months. But hopefully not longer. If you do not have resources, go to the safehouse or women's shelter. They will help you. (Also, write down his social security number so you can report him correctly to the police if needed. Hope not.)
This is the best advice here and I hope that it would be in the top. It is so dangerous to express your intent to your abusive husband. Get out physically to a distance and from that safe space communicate that you are not going back and file the divorce papers. (This is not an advice how to end normal marriage. This is advice for an abusive relationships!)
I’m an SA/DV trauma therapist and I *cannot explain* how many women have said the exact sentence “I sometimes wish he would just hit me so that I have a real reason to leave.” The verbal abuse is abuse. The financial abuse is abuse. The emotional abuse is abuse. The sexual abuse is abuse. It’s all f*cking abuse and it’s all just as damaging as physical abuse. Maybe more so, because those kinds of abuse are harder to see.
In March 1981 I left my husband the day he was choking me underwater in the bathtub, the way he always threatened to do. My best friend came in the back door and he ran out the front. She took me and our three children home with her. Nobody would believe me in those days you couldn't get help. I knew I felt I had been raped but I kept hearing a husband cannot rape his wife. But I still remember how dirty I felt and the anguish it caused me was almost unbearable. Being held down with his hands around my laying on top of me are making me do oral sex with his hands around my neck. it started off as and just like every textbook will tell you it escalated. No one would believe me not even the police.He told then let me go I'm going to kill her and had my hair in his hands. They made me pack my babies up and leave for the night. I kept insisting I wanted to press charges and they would not do it. I am now 68 years old and the trauma from that time is still with me. Believe me I've done everything therapy medicine at 12 step program. It's frustrating when you can't find a cure for ptsd. It makes me sad looking back over my life and how much that trauma has affected me my mental health as well as any relationship that I had afterwards. For a long time if any man said I love you it would freak me out and make me paranoid thinking he said that to throw me off and was really wanting to kill me. We have one life mine was a broken life even though I did my best throughout the years to be okay. I've never believed that someone love me ever again no matter how much I wanted to. Even today sometimes I don't know where I'd feel my heart hurt and start crying. My life was lived thinking no one ever really loved me. Please believe me when I tell you I've done everything to try to forget and just leave it in my past. I've been waiting for years for him to die thinking that only then will I finally be released. I cannot tell you how horrible it was without writing two or three pages. It's just not fair that that man got away with the things he got away with. By the time I believed in myself and got my mental strength I wanted to press charges but the statue of limitation was up. That's why I partly believe that when it comes to rate there shouldn't be a statue of a limitation. It takes years to heal
Only in your weak and soft heart. I mean as an actual victim of rape as a child and physical abuse I have to stop and mock all you verbal abuse pussies. Csnt take much can ya? Weakness
Thank you for your message. It's the fact we can't validate what we are experiencing. We have distorted perception of what is acceptable. People raised by abusers, end up with usually multiple abusers. We are blind to red flags. Until we heal the invalidation wound and trust our own perception we can not be free from these people. And we are usually stunted by our original care givers, so become dependant on the abuser. We have to grow a part of ourselves up to become fully independent and free. That is our part ❤
@@paulaqueirosz I know that she wasn’t like another caller that was in more danger that they helped, but I was hoping John said that someone would get her information and maybe help her get that information in her area
Yup I agree with her voice she won't leave. She will let this sit with her and even if he does hit her I have a feeling she will still stay. Denial is addictive
I was this woman. My "Christian" husband would threaten, intimidate me, call me names like "b****" .and finally put his hands on me. I went to my church, and my woman mentor told me I needed to be more forgiving :O When I finally decided to leave my husband, my church cut me loose and I literally was on my own the entire time. But truly I had the One who I could count on and God lead me through it all. It was so hard! But I'm free, happy, and don't live in fear anymore. Get out Brittney, it's hard. You can do it!
Some churches overlook the husband's responsibility to Love his wife as Christ Loves the church. If the church chooses an abuser over the wife or husband, then they choose sin over Christ. It's not forgiveness they're peddling, but enabling.
I'm a Christian and it makes me angry when people use that as an excuse for things that shouldn't be excused, like turning their backs on someone in need. Even if they thought you did something wrong, Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.
Even if her husband never would actually hit her, the fact that she’s scared in her marriage is enough for me. No one should have to live in fear of their spouse. I agree with John that she needs to find somewhere safe while her husband works through his issues.
Actions count. If she sticks around he doesn't care what words she says. She has to change her behavior. Get out! Emotional abuse leads to physical abuse
Christian husbands are called to not only love their wives but to love them like Jesus loved the church. Making your wife feel like you might hit her is the polar opposite of that. GET OUT yesterday.
@@blahblahblah4544 I'm really sorry your community refused to protect you. I don't participate in a church because of this as well, I won't sit down and let children and women be abused, I will not support it in any way ever.
If women are allowed to immediately divorce their husbands over the husband not following Ephesians 5. Are you also prepared to defend husbands that divorce their wives because the wives refuse to submit to their husband's leadership? This is a tricky topic and John is definitely wrong here.
@@ashastings92 we are not talking about divorce... we are talking about leaving because she's not safe. I don't care what she does long term (never divorces and stays separates, tell figure crap out, or she divorces immediately... whatever) but she HAS to leave and no good Christian would tell her not to.
I wish I had you to talk to when I was married. Lease no matter wht. I WAS delusional and that was in the 80's. This is the 2023 and people still are abusive in every which way, see my comment about my property manage in Phx., AZ.
Wow, I hope you never council anyone experiencing DV. She's not delusional. She's a victim of DV and likely she's been gaslit so many times. She needs support from a professional in women's services to make a safety plan.
The most dangerous moment for a battered woman is when she tries to leave. If she leaves, she cannot look back. The moment she goes back, she’ll have a target.
I live near a church that houses women that escaped abusive homes. You are NOT alone and you MUST LEAVE. You will never regret it and help is available.
Yes if you tell him, he will stop you. If you are an American citizen and these days even if you’re not, you have a right on these grounds to come and go as you please. You do not need his permission. It does not have to look polite. You don’t have to protect him. You are responsible for protecting you, though.
Any mature guy isn’t gonna even pretend to hit you. Some of these callers are so used to what they’ve been getting and don’t see how crazy it actually is. You WILL be fine on your own…you’re ALREADY on your own.
Ugh, I've been in this woman's shoes. I got out before he hit me because I, too, knew it was coming. Honestly, I didn't know that I was already being abused until a good counselor opened my eyes
If your scared he will hit you …he will. I had an ex who threatened me. “If you don’t stop cursing I’m going to hit you” …he tried to say it was a joke. I’m so glad I left him. Dude was a complete loser …it’s so embarrassing I was with him. There were so many red flags before. I wish I could go back in time AND NEVER GIVEN HIM THE TIME OF DAY.
A boy at school that wanted me to date him. Said "If you don't don what I say I'm going to do something." Tell me why the people around me kept saying to just talk to him. Talk about what? He said right there with that statement that its his way or the highway. I'm not talking to him.
I wasted 12 years with a man who would not allow me to own a cellphone. I left after I awoke to find him pouring garbage on top of me. It took years to heal. Get out .NOW !
Oooh he was insecure of losing u because he knew he was doing u wrong and he was scared of u moving on, possibly with another!!! Men act that way when they know they wrong it's that guilty conscious if they have one!
@@Orophile_303unless that’s your genuine personal choice he’s trying to isolate you and keep you from having your own money/freedom/independence. Pls get out if you can, would be best if you leave when he’s not there, then you can see the true reaction from afar without being at risk of physical violence or him trapping you somehow. Sending you strength my friend
I’ve been there. It’s VERY hard to leave, but I’m grateful for a call just like with my sister. She was the first person I told the 1/2 truth and her reaction was so intense it surprised me. I didn’t realize how much danger I was in. A man that can punch a wall right next to you is a man that can kill you. You will never be able to get it right enough for him. The first book I listened to, “Why Does He Do That” gave me strength. I also got a dog while living alone. He rescued me in so many ways. He alerted me when anyone was outside the house, including my ex and he helped mend my broken heart. ❤ You CAN be in a relationship where you feel safe, secure, loved, nurtured, beautiful, sexy, and adored with a kind, sweet, generous Christian man.
This was my experience too. When I finally told my friends and family their responses saved me. I saw their faces and how they cared about my well being and it hit hard how much abuse I had gotten used to.
I was in this EXACT position. I approached him gently telling him I feared this year would be the one he put his hands on me as things had slowly escalated that way for several years. He acted like I was insane and he would never do that. I see now that I opened the door for him to be ok with assaulting me because I had accepted it would probably happen and he convinced me he would never do that which introduced the idea that if he ever did do it, it would be because of me pushing him to do something that just wasn’t him. And 4 months after that he did it. My arms were badly bruised and I still didn’t call the police. A month later he pushed my head into the wall hard enough to leave a dent and I secretly filed a report with the police and got a temporary restraining order. He was escorted off the property. My sick mind thought that this was the time he would want to change and see I was serious. But he considered my action against him a major betrayal and made my life hell. We divorced and I’m at peace now. These men don’t change unless they want to and it’s best they change alone, not while married to you. Choose safety like he said.
No, Maggie, you didn't open the door to his violence and physical abuse. You told him -- gently -- what your fears were and, as abusers always do, he assured you he'd never physically abuse you. Your mistake was in staying with him despite your well-founded fears, believing his assurances. He was going to turn physically violent whether you spoke to him or kept silent. Nothing you did or said led to what he did, please understand that. We're strangers to each other, but it pains me to read how you're still blaming yourself for "causing" *his* behaviour. Please pay attention and whenever you start thinking this way, stop and reframe your thoughts so that the person who hurt you bears the full and sole responsibility for his actions. You've come such a long way from the time you lived in the shadow of a violent man, and I wish you many years of serenity and happiness.
Her laughter is such a cover for her pain. It is hard to listen to. He’s telling her what she’s been feeling all along, but is afraid to acknowledge she thinks he’s going to change, but he won’t. They never do. They never do.
If a husband causes even just a flicker of fear and doubt, GET TF O-U-T! I've been with my husband for 16 years so I have very much seen him lose his temper plenty of times. Not one second in 16 years have I EVER wondered, "would he ever lose his temper with me or our children?" Much less ever wondered if he would ever put his hands on us. Everything about his tone and behavior softens immediately when it comes to us and that's exactly the way it should be.
@@lala5061that is supposed to be normal. It sounds like she has a wonderful husband, but it’s not luck. @buse should be the outlier not the norm. I hope you and your loved ones are well
Please don’t tell a woman to say “If you show your fist again I’m out”. This infuriates the partner even more. I lived this for 18 years until I could get out. After the first sign of potential hitting I no longer argued until I had a safe plan to leave. I’m 66 with a lot of wisdom of abuse.
I think he meant after she leaves, give him that ultimatum. Not when she’s still living with him you’re right that would be throwing fuel on the fire! But also it depends on how volatile the partner is.
You can't make anyone get help. He won't change because in his eyes you're the problem. Been there done that. Leave while you still have your dignity intact. He won't change and you deserve better. You are in love with who you fell in love with, and that person isn't real.
I was in her situation until 6 weeks ago. It started right when we got married and it got worse over the next year and a half. It started with extreme criticism and it escalated to him breaking things around our home, punching holes on walls and doors and calling me names the more of his secrets I would find (cheating, homosexual online cheating, stealing underwear from clients homes). The day he hit my hand so I wouldn’t call the police, I got a protection order against him and made him leave our home. The trauma bons is real, the pressure from the church to stick it out is real, but abusive men don’t change and the abuse only gets worse with time until you’re so damaged it takes a long time to recover or until he kills you. I am glad I left before any of those things happened, because we for sure were on track for those things to happen. I am sad my marriage failed, but I am glad I left and I know I’ll heal and one day I’ll find a man who’s going to love God, love me and treat me kindly. Because even though my ex husband calls himself a Christian, he really doesn’t act like one.
I have a friend who did this with her boyfriend. “If he was going to hit me, he would have done it already!” Ugh!! I told her get out, my other friend who witnessed how he treats her told her to get out and she would say the above like a mantra. Finally, she broke up with him and sure enough, he punched her, then kicked in the driver’s side car window while she was in the car trying to get away and yes, it broke and he kicked her in the face in the process. She made a stop at the dmv or the grocery store or something and got a LOT of stares not knowing that she had blood dripping down her face. Thank God they did not live together or she might be dead by now! DON’T do this, ladies! C’mon! You friends are telling you “GET OUT!” because they care!😢
I'm glad some people even have friends that care. When I was in school this boy that wanted to go out with me told me that. "If I didn't do what he said that he was going to do something to me." Tell me why people still thought it was a good idea to go out with him. The excuse for him was that I did not communicate that that was an unacceptable behavior to me. Bruh are you serious? The intention when he said that was to A. scare me. B. Have full control over me. Then people say "But did you tell him?" Tell him what? He is controlling. Controlling people just want everything their way. No I'm not fucking talking to him. I might explain to a 4 year old but guess what I can defend myself against a 4 year old if I need to. Not a grown man.
@@Notme811_you: Ugh! Thank you for having good sense and listening to your gut! And I’ll tell you why those losers said it’s a good idea to go out with him; he’s a narcissist and narcissists have the charm and skill to get groups of people on their side even when they are CLEARLY in the wrong. They others who told you go out with him are either blind to the abuser’s ways (which is most common) or they are simply blatant idiots who don’t want to see; I’ve know both kinds of people. Stay away from them too! At the very least, don’t ask the blind people for advice on any such matter.
She needs an organised plan to leave safely because we know from statistics the risk increases when people leave a DV situation. I wish her all the best 🙏🏾🙏🏾
@brendamoon2660 they are also full of those who stayed. Leaving is dangerous, but make a plan, find a safe time and place, and leave. Get all your important documents together, if possible move sentimental items, clothes etc out secretly to a safe place, get whatever you think you will need that you are able to, then GTFO. Been there, done that. Best wishes to Brittany for her future safe and happy life
Start packing your stuff and give it to someone to store away. Make it look like you're spring cleaning. Start with the items you can't live without. But at any moment be ready to leave everything behind. Tell someone what day you're planning to leave. Don't tell your partner anything. And always move in with family and friends. Don't keep his secrets. If you have kids. Plan a vacation for everyone to visit your family. Enjoy your vacation but don't leave with him. Let your family know your plan
I was this woman. The date of my last physical assault was December 2, 2019. He picked me up like a rag doll because I was asking him some questions about his behavior - his excessive drinking, being very late coming home from work, catching him having more alcohol dropped off in the middle of the night by his sister or brother - he picked me up and just body slammed me into the tile floor of the kitchen. I was in shock in the moment. I couldn't believe it was happening like this. Before, it would just be pushing, grabbing (grabbing hard enough that left bruises) or like hitting the area around me or kicking the chair I was sitting in. He stopped after 3 slams. I stupidly tried to get back up and he grabbed my head and slammed it into the tile floor. I felt my teeth get loose. After several head slams, I didn't move. I hoped it would make him stop. He also knocked the breath out of me so I was trying to find my bearings. He than picked up my head, looked into my face - I stupidly opened my eyes and saw his and they were fully black. Just black and like sort of blank. And he did a final, hard smash of my face into the tile. And the next thought I had was "He really means to hurt me". And that was it. He ran out the door and I called the police. He was arrested. He made bail early the next morning. He kept breaking into the house after - even during our divorce proceeding. He tried to tell the court I did all of it to myself. Even after our divorce was granted, he continued to abuse me via the court system. His lawyer would call me at work, home, cellphone. Threaten me for making up false claims and tell me I was going to be arrested. Threaten to come to my home. His own lawyer. Some how, my ex thought I was screwing him out of our divorce agreement so he fired his original attorneys and came after me with that gem of an asshole. He dragged out actions of our divorce agreement for 6 months after the agreement was finalized, forcing me to continue to pay thousands of dollars trying to get him to comply with our divorce agreement per the courts. His new lawyer would call my dad, my sister, my dad's work - I couldn't believe it. My own lawyer's had to file documents with the court to control the harassment and communication - everything had to be in writing and monitored from then on. After two contempt filing by me and seeing that the judge was not going to like his behavior, one day it magically stopped. He did get married shortly after our divorce. I don't know if that is the cause of the stopping. All I can say is I told the truth in court. His new wife was in the courtroom and saw all of the pictures of my injuries blown up on big poster board and heard the testimony. If anything, I feel I gave her complete and fair warning. I am still working on my recovery. I do isolate a great deal and I don't leave the house often but I am working on it and I feel safer now. But I wish I had left sooner. I wish I didn't continue to make up excuses for his behavior and hide it from everyone. If someone ever gives you the idea that they could or would hurt you, get away. Don't chance it. No love is ever worth that kind of pain.
What she's scared of is the upheaval, the financial deprivation, the possible violent retribution. She DESPERATELY needs to GET OUT, get SERIOUS help from the people and agencies that are THERE for her, and there for other women in her situation. DO IT NOW!!!
I agree with Dr. John. My husband and I have been in some HUGE heated fights (having to leave for a night the whole 9 yards) and I have never once worried about my safety during those. I worried about our relationship but never once worried my husband would put his hands on me. I've been in an abusive relationship before, if she feels this she's probably right. never ignore your gut. Those instincts are there to protect ourselves both emotionally and physically.
I hope the caller reads this. You are trauma bonded. Please leave. I was a devout Catholic who wouldn’t leave my abusive ex because of my religion. I finally figured out that I wasn’t going to believe in any dogma that didn’t want me to thrive. I left on my 40th birthday. The only regret I had was not leaving sooner.
Someone once said “…and go where?” It is very easy to tell people to “get out” but there has to be a plan in place and I mean air tight with contingencies. She has to save herself because her church and probably community at large has failed her to have this mentality ingrained so well. I hear it in her nervous/pained laughter. My good sister, I’ll be praying for you. Edit: I am so glad that the folks responding to my comment have safe options. But not everyone does. This callers’ church community has already failed her and it’ll take courage to try again. And what if parents or siblings have passed, don’t have money to help, live in another state, don’t have the space or just don’t want to endanger themselves (maybe again). I could go on. I’m not saying it’s impossible but that “there has to be a plan in place and air tight with contingencies”. Recognize you have good options that others do not.
When it's a matter of life and death there's no asking where to go. She is an adult, she can connect with other humans, she'll find a way. Trust me if he came out with a gun trying to end her , she will definitely find all the places she could go rather than stay there. But it's not urgent enough for her at the moment so those options aren't obvious The women who are eventually unalived by their own husbands , I'm sure when they see the end at that moment they aren't asking themselves....and go where..?
I wish police departments could assist with things like this. you should be able to go to the police, tell the person you’re living with that you’re in danger at home and have no other shelter to go to, and they should be able to call in resources to help you.
Umm… go live with your parents for a bit? until you get back on your feet and can rent a studio apartment or whatever you can afford… go stay with a friend for a couple of weeks while you find a small apartment? Go stay with a sibling for a while? Like use your brain, “and go where?”. Open your eyes… use your brain, you can do it.
@@omgurheadsgonesome of us don’t have parents or family members that will help us. I had to go to a homeless shelter, it took over two months for one to open up because they’re constantly full, once I finally got in it was horrible, the food was literally covered in mold the beds were metal slabs with a quarter inch foam mat on it, it was easier to sleep on the concrete floor than on the “bed” and I had to do it with an infant. By my fourth day I was so sick from food poisoning I ended up in the hospital. It’s so easy to say just leave but rarely that simple.
I agree..she is trying to find excuses not to leave...maybe she is in a situation where she feels she would be a burden on someone else if she leaves...
This is the very reason I delayed marriage for so many years. I was terrified of finding out that I had married a person who would hide the truth while dating and then reveal the dark side after marriage.
This beautiful soul’s situation with her husband was very much like my own and I’m so glad I found this video because it saved me. It helped me to make my decision to put my foot down and say enough is enough, I’m tired of being emotionally abused, manipulated, and treated like my needs and feelings do not matter. I do not deserve to be hit no matter how angry my husband is at me. He had been gaslighting me, breaking and throwing things around, and threatening to hit me for six years but now that I’ve been away from him for two months I am already thriving and much happier. Thank you John.
I was in your shoes, I was Afraid He was going to kill ME! I ran for my life and Never looked back. It’s been 4 yrs, I’m in a safe place now. Thank God!!
It takes 7 times on average for a victim to leave before they leave for good. I was just like her in two relationships. I’m a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, r*pe and attempted m*rder. I ran away on the 7th attempt and barely got away. These are not good people.
@ that’s a great question, thank you for asking. Your mind is psychologically warped when you’re with an abuser, the equivalent of getting high on drugs basically. When you start to figure it all out and want to leave, they love bomb you all over again so you go back and plenty of people do because you believe in the fantasy that isn’t real of being together. Way too many people become afraid to be on their own when leaving an abusive relationship as well so they keep going back to the fantasy. When you’re on a multiple attempt to leave for good is when it gets scary because this is when most victims become assaulted, r*ped or deleted. When I escaped mine, i sadly wanted to keep going back because the addiction was still there. It felt like I was detoxing from drugs when I left for good. Really the best way to stay away from this cycle is to educate yourself and become strong. Know when to walk away at the first red flag.
I worked with the wife of a pastor to leave her husband. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He was a control freak. God does not demand you stay with an abuser.
It actually does command to stay with an abuser with the exception of adultery or death. The christian god didn't seem to account for basic nuance in marriage.
@@blueseptember2174 And I would 100% agree, but if the abusive spouse never commits adultery and doesn't die until much later, the healthy spouse has to stay in that marriage according to christian religion which is just absurd.
She’s like me, Christian woman and afraid to make the wrong move. Husband is abusive and claims to be Christian. I’ve had trouble leaving too. It’s exhausting and she is remembering him for the good times and how he lied her into loving him. Pray and leave. Wish there were more resources for us women in these situations. There are a ton of resources out there but until you are walking in these shoes you don’t realize how little you have in terms of help.
I guarantee you that he's not a Christian. He's using religion as an excuse. A real Christian husband would honour his wife and treat her like gold. Definitely leave if you can get out. You deserve to feel safe and happy.
I was attacked by my brother. I will never, EVER defend him! EVER! He is allowed to be mad ad me. He does not have to like me. But he cannot abuse me, either verbally or psychically.
They always wind up abusing the person closest to them. Please stay away 6 months and see how you feel? You are strong enough to put up with him, so you are strong enough to leave! I promise you that, beautiful. It never gets better unless you leave. Then "maybe" it will?
People many times do not take this kind of thing seriously enough, until one day we hear on the news that there has been a murder/suicide that has happened. That might sound dramatic, but I live in a big city, and on the news several times a month there is a story about someone murdering a family member and then committing suicide, so yes, it does happen quite often in the city that I live in (sadly). People just don't want to believe it could potentially be them that gets murdered (or injured badly) though.
I agree. Also, people can die or get seriously injured from violence accidentally. I know a man who was defending his girlfriend in a pub and the stranger hit him up his nose. He has brain damage. He has lived with his Mum his whole life since. Then there was my friend (male) who moved in with his girlfriend and 8 weeks later he was dead. She stabbed him in a dramatic jealous drunken rage, not meaning to kill him, but it went straight into his heart.
It is devastating, but narcissist and abusers do this. They prey on your genuine goodness, they extort your ability to see their meager good traits and magnify their potential, for which they will never use.
Man this is probably why I was constantly in fight or flight last year. I don't understand why no one sees this but me. Our marriage is much better since we finally got marriage counseling. But man... I wish someone could see what I was so afraid of.
No one should ever fear their partner, no one should ever feel threatened and unsafe on any level with the person that supposedly loves them. The precursors to physical abuse: verbal, mental, emotional abuse, are major and more than enough to destroy one’s spirit before you ever find yourself in a corner with a black eye.
Exactly. This woman is not going to leave. She's making so many excuses for him. She's so afraid of being alone, she would rather be in an abusive relationship than be alone. She's very codependent. You can hear it in the call. She's not leaving him.
Some women on here are given very good at advice that she needs to do. She needs to prepare an out for herself. A lot of women on here saying have a go bag ready for her and kids. Abuse is usually progressive starting with verbal abuse and escalating over time until it will become physical. It's not if it's just when
I wish i could tell this woman myself to get out or have a heart to heart with some of these women that call in. I have stayed single for so long because of past abuse and the changes it created in me. I was left with brain damage because i believed in turning the other cheek but it almost cost me and my childs life one night and that one night over twenty years ago changed me forever everytime i hear a woman going through this i wish i could tell them that they dont owe it to anybody to let someone hurt them like that to show love and if they are hurting you its not going to get better no matter how good you are love yourself enough to walk away before your life is dramatically diminished by someone elses bad actions
I'm not a Christian. That out of of the way, what non Christian's like me do is we get brothers, fathers and friends involved and make sure that this man is clear that violence or threats of violence against a female in our lives = consequences. Basically he threatens you, they threaten him. He hits you, they hit him. All the while helping you to get out and away from this guy. If you don't have those kind of men in your life, call the police and ask them for help and resources that can get you out of this situation. No one should live in fear of violence in their home.
Agreed. If I found out my sister was abused by her husband, I'd grab some friends and pay him a visit... Then pack up his stuff, drag him outside and change the locks to the house.
I mean, the Bible talked about a woman's family that retaliated against a man who violated her. Protecting your sisters and daughters is a Christian thing. But abusers will use religion to manipulate and abuse people.
I was afraid to leave because I was I didn't want to be single or adulterous :( I was afraid I wouldn't be allowed to re-marry. I also didn't want to abandon him. But what helped me realize it was wrong was this show and other RUclipsrs. I was seeking a healthy relationship. So I'd watch RUclips videos about healthy relationships. I did try to convince him to go to counseling with me but he adamantly refused. These videos made me realize my relationship was not healthy. And that if I did care about him, I had to cut things loose. What also helped me was my sister's marriages. Their husbands are soooo sweet. I'd be sitting there like "Dang, is that how marriages can be?" I got out for good but co-parent. I'm happy being single surprisingly :) And I have a lot of friends and family who supported me. Also my state is so nice. Young people, please have a degree and money for yourself saved up. I think that's practical and safe. No woman or man is a saint. People can disagree with me all they want. I don't care. This has been my experience to have a way out. That way you'll never have to be crushed by abuse. And if people ever challenge you on it, then to me? They aren't fit for marriage because a person fit for marriage has to be a person of foresight and wisdom. Dang Christian community has encouraged abuse for far too long.
Also what helped me was I knew if I stayed, I would become a bad person eventually. Something had to change. Because I was getting very angry about the abuse. He tried to blame it all on me. I watched tons of psychology videos though. He tried every which way to discount my stance but I wouldn't let it happen.
That first sentence keeps people in marriages they don’t need to be in. No verse can tell me that I have to stay married to a man beating me and that I can never remarry. That being said I commend the whole have your own and always have a plan B. People change and can be deceptive. It happens all the time
So here's the thing. The bible SHAMES divorce (unless it's sexual immorality). However, realistically there are things that warrant divorce because otherwise the spouse will live in a hellish environment for the rest of their life. I guess the christian god didn't account for the nuances in divorce.
@@LisaLisaCJ Technically, according to the backwards beliefs in the bible, you do "have" to stay married to a man with the exception of sexual immorality. The bible is one wild book.
@@LisaLisaCJ My first sentence is for people to understand why people stay. I didn't stay. I'm out. And I even explained I'm happy being alone. So I don't understand why you're like "That being said" because I didn't indicate it was the right choice. But it's a common issue that people fall into in spiritual abuse. Thankfully there's RUclips channels like this helping people.
She needs to work harder to get out than to stay. SAME thing happened to me. I went to therapy and six months later he hit, actually, attacked me. He was arrested and resented me for the next ten years, abusing me along the way. It took a lot to realize I could not save the mess that he is. If you see him, Scott Allen Rebman, Cedar Creek, Texas, stay clear.
I went through this ,, my son was 5,, he would rage at us , then he hurt my son and the police escorted him out !,, that was 15 years ago and I never looked back !,,,
As a husband who has had anger issues in the past I learned to calmly say, I’m getting angry right now and I need to disengage from this argument and we can talk about this when I (and we) can calmly talk about x,y,z. A lot of work took place and now my wife and I have trust, communication, and disagreement without it escalating. I listen, I ask questions, I don’t believe I’m always right anymore.
The Bible makes it very clear "Do not go with an angry man". An abusive loser will not get help or change, they don't want to. They are addicted to abusing you. They get a hit of dopamine when they hurt you. Please get a plan in place and leave ASAP. Don't tell him you are leaving either. Do it quietly.
Get out. Especially since “nothing has happened yet”. You may not survive the “first” time. I appreciate Dr. John for being a solid man here- zero tolerance, nothing but true compassion
It’s brutal as a woman to have invested so much, to have met a partners’ superficial wellness, devotion to faith, etc. by matching those things (integrity, faith, morals, values, good intentions, enduring love, etc.) genuinely, only to find you’re alone in those ways of existing. To have been fed lies from the beginning and Ben immersed and blinded by smoke screens and potential of the evolving abuser.
6:00 Here is the unequivocal tell: A husband who would never hit his wife would say “I would never”, not “I don’t want to”, on the matter of hurting his wife.
Yes. Same as I can unequivocally say "I would never hit my dog." I have never hit -- or pretended like I was going to hit -- any dog in my entire life, and I never will. People deserve their spouses to treat them at least as well as I treat my dog.
$10 says she won't leave. She's too afraid of being ALONE. She would rather be in an abusive marriage rather than be alone. She's making so many excuses for him. She's not leaving him.
I hope youre wrong here, but I have to agree that the number of excuses she makes for him in addition to the misplaced obligation she has towards him is very telling. I have known a couple women like this and it is easy to spot.
It's almost like abuse diminishes your self esteem and you don't actually think you deserve or a capable of a better life. And it's almost like religion plays a huge part in these types of marriage issues, he is clearly using her faith against her and that lifelong belief is a hard thing to go against. @@amiblack8294
Dr. John is absolutely right on this one. Get out NOW before it escalates. After he's done work and has SHOWN that he has changed, then she can CONSIDER what guidelines to put in to keep herself safe and possibly but slowly reenter the relationship
I agree. I think there is room for healing in some relationships with real evidence of deep change. There are certainly some who won’t ever change though.
I had a wonderful mother in law. I told her my concerns. She told me to leave. I told him her suggestion… He was shocked! Never bullied me again. Because he knew here was no one to run to or hide with. We’ve been married 30 years now. And we are having a blast!!
Dear sister, please leave.....the moment he actually hit you it can be the last time you live. Love yourself enough Britney and leave,please i beg you to leave NOW!
Britney, please leave and never let him near you. Even if he sincerely wants to change, your husband can only change with a tremendous amount of therapy, but you don't have the time to wait. Even if he says he LOVES you, he cannot control his behavior because he is mentally unable. Get out. I was in a loving, safe marriage for twenties years. I never felt unsafe. My husband was my rock. You DESERVE better!!
She thinks she's surrounded herself with caring people, but she is probably talking about her church. I say this as a devout Christian myself: she is wrong about them. That is the exact church that has made her think it is a crazy idea to leave her abusive husband because they are "followers of Christ". The second she chooses her own safety those people will either not let her alone and chastise her or they will drop her. Usually the former and then the latter when she doesn't "repent". They will not hold him to the same standards of repentance that they will hold her. I wish this wasn't the case over and over again, but I've heard it too many times to trust that it won't be the case. I pray she listened to Dr. John and that she got safe.
Preach! I'm also a devoted born again Christian and I agree with everything you said. Jesus taught to always stand up and speak up for what is right and just and not to lie
I was in this woman's shoes and he took me to church marriage counseling so I could learn to be the "loving and forgiving Godly wife" who "submits to her husband and, through her pure love, heals his heart and ends his need for anger." This is while I was sitting there with bruises and cuts. This "counseling" almost got me killed. I cam hear it in this woman saying "What can I do to make him better?" I know some here will say "but not all churches are like that" but I'm afraid I will never trust one again.
That's incredibly sad that you won't trust church again. It depends where you go. The church where I fellowshipped helped me move and gave me substantial amount of money after abusive marriage ended. I hate to see you out of fellowship. You can't do Jesus solo.
I really hate how often leaving gets simplified as “just get out”. If she chooses to leave, and I really hope she did, she needs to be able to Stay away for a period of time. A quick return makes things even worse. I remember many years ago my best friends mom was hit by her husband and we rushed over to their home and packed her bag and took her and her special needs daughter away. But she wasn’t in a place mentally, emotionally or financially to commit to that and so she returned within a day or two. Even though we assured her we’d support her staying away she was so isolated and had such a dependence on this guy that she wasn’t ready to get out. And to this day she’s still there. It’d important to leave but she needs a place, commitment and the support to truly leave or she’s at serious risk of the harm he will inflict for her daring to leave. It seems simple but it’s anything but simple.
She needs to RUN!!!! He will hurt her more. She needs to get out of there ASAP! I hope she can look at this situation and put her sister or best friend in her place. What would she want her friend or sister to do? This IS NOT LOVE.
Don't give him the chance to hit you. When you know he will be away for a good while, pack your things and leave. Also, him saying "I never want to do that" means nothing. WHEN he hits her, he will blame her for it - the good ol' "Look what you made me do!!" victim blaming. Just leave. You don't have to be explaining his actions to anyone or defend him, he's a grown a** man and can speak for himself. And do not go back until he has proven he's changed, and not just saying it, literally proving it with his behavior over a long time.
Her laughter while receiving real advice to leave this situation is so upsetting. When we try to warn someone about the abuse and they just dismiss us as we were crazy. It's so upsetting.
It's a trauma response. A coping mechanism. An outlet for the intense stress and conflict we are struggling to process. Just like flight or fight, there's laugh or cry.
John is absolutely correct. Get away you can’t change people and it will escalate. You can get killed take this serious. My father used to beat my mother and always promised her that he wouldn’t do it again, but he did it over and over and over again.please get away. You deserve better ❤
I grew up watching my alcoholic father beat my mamas ass flip dinner tables and I remember I promised myself I’d never live in that I met a guy thought I was in love but the first time u lifted his hand to me there were no questions no answers I picked up my dog my bag and I left never looked back
Unfortunately in 20 minutes you can't touch on finances and just not dumping on people who she might not be very close too. She told one person. She's afraid. He gets to keep home/apartment and all the things they have and she's scared. She really needs to do more than leave, she needs emotional and financial help.
@@dearbrave4183 I know that, but I know, especially having a police officer in the family that they do think of everything many times when they haven’t actually been hit yet and even after
I was in a physically abusive relationship with my soon to be ex husband for over 38 years. I was 17 years old when i met him. We were mabey 1 1/2 into our relationship when he would get angry at me and break things in my car because we were always in my car, and one night during our fights i told him to hit me because i was tired of him breaking things in my car, and he did. He hit me in my face and i bled everywhere. He panicked and cleaned me up. I was ony 19 years old. Thats all it took, those 2 words. I along with my 2 boys were abused for many years by this man. I NEVER called the police and reported him for domestic abuse. I was afraid of him and for my kids. I also loved him very much. He would blame me for triggering him. He broke many many things in our home. I had enough of his ways including his infidelity. All it took was him raising a shoe of his as if to hit me with it, and i grabed the shoe and raised it to him as if to hit him and then threw it down and told him, that it was the last time you will raise a shoe to me ever!! And i packed my suitcase and left him for good. I am 8 months out of our relationship and am in the process of a divorce. I put a restraining order on him and living with my sister. I fought back. My husband is a coward. I and my 2 boys are survivors. Save yourself before its to late. Abuse only gets worse. He will never change unless he wants to and gets help for himself.
It Only Get's Worse Once He Feel's Comfortable Disrespecting You..!! She's Definately Not Ready To Leave, probably Have a Few Kid's Befor She Realizes Her Life is Unbearable.
If you have to even ask this question, you already know the answer. Been married for 2.5 years and never asked this question once . I did have an ex that was like that and was asking this question… but I left the situation
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING! JUST LEAVE.
Omg I found Raleigh in the comments! Hay Bish
he's not saying to tell him first, he's saying to leave first and when he reaches out, after he gets help and IF she wants the marriage to continue, to lay down the expectations before she thinks about coming back.
Exactly!!!! Leave quietly.
When the separation happens...that's when the sh** hits the fan! The most dangerous time.
Prepare well. Take all the paperwork where is all your details. Harm can be done with your social security number and bank details. Delete your credit card details from phones/apps etc. Often the abuser will try to continue the abuse this way.
Mute your phone location. Also in apps. Switch your phone off when you leave if you are not sure how to make it and change phone number immeaditely.
Do not do obvious packing, but have a look where everything is that you want to take with you and can pack everything together in a few hours. (Have a friend come over to help you get out of the door.)
Book a few nights in the hotel in some other location than your obvious place of escape. And adjust to the situation after that. Keep your relatives on the look out.
And depending of your abuser, you might need to be worried for the next few months. But hopefully not longer.
If you do not have resources, go to the safehouse or women's shelter. They will help you.
(Also, write down his social security number so you can report him correctly to the police if needed. Hope not.)
This is the best advice here and I hope that it would be in the top. It is so dangerous to express your intent to your abusive husband. Get out physically to a distance and from that safe space communicate that you are not going back and file the divorce papers.
(This is not an advice how to end normal marriage. This is advice for an abusive relationships!)
It's usually the most dangerous time when you leave and directly after.
I’m an SA/DV trauma therapist and I *cannot explain* how many women have said the exact sentence “I sometimes wish he would just hit me so that I have a real reason to leave.” The verbal abuse is abuse. The financial abuse is abuse. The emotional abuse is abuse. The sexual abuse is abuse. It’s all f*cking abuse and it’s all just as damaging as physical abuse. Maybe more so, because those kinds of abuse are harder to see.
In March 1981 I left my husband the day he was choking me underwater in the bathtub, the way he always threatened to do. My best friend came in the back door and he ran out the front. She took me and our three children home with her. Nobody would believe me in those days you couldn't get help. I knew I felt I had been raped but I kept hearing a husband cannot rape his wife. But I still remember how dirty I felt and the anguish it caused me was almost unbearable. Being held down with his hands around my laying on top of me are making me do oral sex with his hands around my neck. it started off as and just like every textbook will tell you it escalated. No one would believe me not even the police.He told then let me go I'm going to kill her and had my hair in his hands. They made me pack my babies up and leave for the night. I kept insisting I wanted to press charges and they would not do it. I am now 68 years old and the trauma from that time is still with me. Believe me I've done everything therapy medicine at 12 step program. It's frustrating when you can't find a cure for ptsd. It makes me sad looking back over my life and how much that trauma has affected me my mental health as well as any relationship that I had afterwards. For a long time if any man said I love you it would freak me out and make me paranoid thinking he said that to throw me off and was really wanting to kill me. We have one life mine was a broken life even though I did my best throughout the years to be okay. I've never believed that someone love me ever again no matter how much I wanted to. Even today sometimes I don't know where I'd feel my heart hurt and start crying. My life was lived thinking no one ever really loved me. Please believe me when I tell you I've done everything to try to forget and just leave it in my past. I've been waiting for years for him to die thinking that only then will I finally be released. I cannot tell you how horrible it was without writing two or three pages. It's just not fair that that man got away with the things he got away with. By the time I believed in myself and got my mental strength I wanted to press charges but the statue of limitation was up. That's why I partly believe that when it comes to rate there shouldn't be a statue of a limitation. It takes years to heal
THIS is the vibe! Thank you!
Only in your weak and soft heart.
I mean as an actual victim of rape as a child and physical abuse
I have to stop and mock all you verbal abuse pussies.
Csnt take much can ya?
Weakness
Thank you for your message.
It's the fact we can't validate what we are experiencing.
We have distorted perception of what is acceptable.
People raised by abusers, end up with usually multiple abusers.
We are blind to red flags.
Until we heal the invalidation wound and trust our own perception we can not be free from these people.
And we are usually stunted by our original care givers, so become dependant on the abuser.
We have to grow a part of ourselves up to become fully independent and free.
That is our part ❤
Well explained.
No woman should be scared of her husband. RUN, don't walk
Exactly. RUN. no need to complicate this. GET OUT.
Respect and being scared are 2 different things!!!
@@lala5061 that man doesn't deserve respect if he doesn't give her any.
I'm terrified of mine. I am not afraid he will hit me, I'm afraid of the emotional abuse. He is very mean to me.
@@lala5061wtf are you trying to say?
She won't leave. She's not ready to leave. But thank you Dr. John for telling her the truth.
Her husband is not walking in biblical truth
I'll pray for her and others so scared...she'll let her guard down and that's the scary part.
@@deb9806 she probably has nowhere to go, no one to call... not sure if there are women's shelters in her city..
@@paulaqueirosz I know that she wasn’t like another caller that was in more danger that they helped, but I was hoping John said that someone would get her information and maybe help her get that information in her area
She's not ready to leave, but eventually she will.
Yup I agree with her voice she won't leave. She will let this sit with her and even if he does hit her I have a feeling she will still stay. Denial is addictive
I was this woman. My "Christian" husband would threaten, intimidate me, call me names like "b****" .and finally put his hands on me. I went to my church, and my woman mentor told me I needed to be more forgiving :O When I finally decided to leave my husband, my church cut me loose and I literally was on my own the entire time. But truly I had the One who I could count on and God lead me through it all. It was so hard! But I'm free, happy, and don't live in fear anymore. Get out Brittney, it's hard. You can do it!
What type of church was it? That is horribly wrong.
You went to a bad church. I'm sorry they did that to you. Many churches do victim blaming.
That church was messed up. Hope you found a better one.
Some churches overlook the husband's responsibility to Love his wife as Christ Loves the church. If the church chooses an abuser over the wife or husband, then they choose sin over Christ. It's not forgiveness they're peddling, but enabling.
I'm a Christian and it makes me angry when people use that as an excuse for things that shouldn't be excused, like turning their backs on someone in need. Even if they thought you did something wrong, Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.
Filed for divorce when my husband threw something at my face and missed me but that was enough for me, that scared me enough
Good. I’m glad you are safe. You deserve GOOD
Good job for getting out. If he does it once, he will do it again.
Yup.
This.
So he randomly threw something at your face? What did you say to him?
Even if her husband never would actually hit her, the fact that she’s scared in her marriage is enough for me. No one should have to live in fear of their spouse. I agree with John that she needs to find somewhere safe while her husband works through his issues.
Actions count. If she sticks around he doesn't care what words she says. She has to change her behavior. Get out! Emotional abuse leads to physical abuse
@@patriciaalbertson5183Emotional abuse also leads to medical disease.
Screw that: get out and don’t look back.
Britney he is showing you who he is, Believe Him!
Exactly.
Christian husbands are called to not only love their wives but to love them like Jesus loved the church. Making your wife feel like you might hit her is the polar opposite of that. GET OUT yesterday.
I know. My Christian community is wimpy when it comes to protecting against abuse. It's all sad :/
@@blahblahblah4544 I'm really sorry your community refused to protect you. I don't participate in a church because of this as well, I won't sit down and let children and women be abused, I will not support it in any way ever.
If women are allowed to immediately divorce their husbands over the husband not following Ephesians 5. Are you also prepared to defend husbands that divorce their wives because the wives refuse to submit to their husband's leadership?
This is a tricky topic and John is definitely wrong here.
@@ashastings92 we are not talking about divorce... we are talking about leaving because she's not safe. I don't care what she does long term (never divorces and stays separates, tell figure crap out, or she divorces immediately... whatever) but she HAS to leave and no good Christian would tell her not to.
@@ashastings92
Depends on what the "husband's leadership" is.
I'm a therapist and I agree completely, there is nothing she can do but leave. Right now she's delusional in thinking it's going to get better.
She won’t leave
I wish I had you to talk to when I was married. Lease no matter wht. I WAS delusional and that was in the 80's. This is the 2023 and people still are abusive in every which way, see my comment about my property manage in Phx., AZ.
Wow, I hope you never council anyone experiencing DV.
She's not delusional. She's a victim of DV and likely she's been gaslit so many times.
She needs support from a professional in women's services to make a safety plan.
She's not going to leave him he could tell her reluctance from her whole tone of voice
Mine started verbally and just assaulted me it’s around the corner please leave
The most dangerous moment for a battered woman is when she tries to leave. If she leaves, she cannot look back. The moment she goes back, she’ll have a target.
I live near a church that houses women that escaped abusive homes. You are NOT alone and you MUST LEAVE. You will never regret it and help is available.
Oh wow I'd like to help with that .Great need!❤❤
Pick yourself up and leave.Go to a women's refuge, if you had to.For the love of God, do not tell him you are leaving.
Yes if you tell him, he will stop you.
If you are an American citizen and these days even if you’re not, you have a right on these grounds to come and go as you please. You do not need his permission. It does not have to look polite. You don’t have to protect him.
You are responsible for protecting you, though.
Correct. This is what I did!
Any mature guy isn’t gonna even pretend to hit you. Some of these callers are so used to what they’ve been getting and don’t see how crazy it actually is. You WILL be fine on your own…you’re ALREADY on your own.
Ugh, I've been in this woman's shoes. I got out before he hit me because I, too, knew it was coming. Honestly, I didn't know that I was already being abused until a good counselor opened my eyes
Smart. I'm glad you got out and saw help.
If your scared he will hit you …he will. I had an ex who threatened me. “If you don’t stop cursing I’m going to hit you” …he tried to say it was a joke. I’m so glad I left him. Dude was a complete loser …it’s so embarrassing I was with him. There were so many red flags before. I wish I could go back in time AND NEVER GIVEN HIM THE TIME OF DAY.
A boy at school that wanted me to date him. Said "If you don't don what I say I'm going to do something."
Tell me why the people around me kept saying to just talk to him. Talk about what? He said right there with that statement that its his way or the highway. I'm not talking to him.
@@Notme811_you good
I wasted 12 years with a man who would not allow me to own a cellphone. I left after I awoke to find him pouring garbage on top of me. It took years to heal. Get out .NOW !
Oooh he was insecure of losing u because he knew he was doing u wrong and he was scared of u moving on, possibly with another!!! Men act that way when they know they wrong it's that guilty conscious if they have one!
@@lala5061 What the actual F are you talking about? You sound like an abusive person. Get help.
I'm not allowed to get a job.
@@Orophile_303unless that’s your genuine personal choice he’s trying to isolate you and keep you from having your own money/freedom/independence. Pls get out if you can, would be best if you leave when he’s not there, then you can see the true reaction from afar without being at risk of physical violence or him trapping you somehow. Sending you strength my friend
Wow. That is awful 😖. I hope you are safe now.
I’ve been there. It’s VERY hard to leave, but I’m grateful for a call just like with my sister. She was the first person I told the 1/2 truth and her reaction was so intense it surprised me. I didn’t realize how much danger I was in.
A man that can punch a wall right next to you is a man that can kill you. You will never be able to get it right enough for him.
The first book I listened to, “Why Does He Do That” gave me strength. I also got a dog while living alone. He rescued me in so many ways. He alerted me when anyone was outside the house, including my ex and he helped mend my broken heart. ❤
You CAN be in a relationship where you feel safe, secure, loved, nurtured, beautiful, sexy, and adored with a kind, sweet, generous Christian man.
This was my experience too. When I finally told my friends and family their responses saved me. I saw their faces and how they cared about my well being and it hit hard how much abuse I had gotten used to.
I was in this EXACT position. I approached him gently telling him I feared this year would be the one he put his hands on me as things had slowly escalated that way for several years. He acted like I was insane and he would never do that. I see now that I opened the door for him to be ok with assaulting me because I had accepted it would probably happen and he convinced me he would never do that which introduced the idea that if he ever did do it, it would be because of me pushing him to do something that just wasn’t him. And 4 months after that he did it. My arms were badly bruised and I still didn’t call the police. A month later he pushed my head into the wall hard enough to leave a dent and I secretly filed a report with the police and got a temporary restraining order. He was escorted off the property. My sick mind thought that this was the time he would want to change and see I was serious. But he considered my action against him a major betrayal and made my life hell. We divorced and I’m at peace now. These men don’t change unless they want to and it’s best they change alone, not while married to you. Choose safety like he said.
No, Maggie, you didn't open the door to his violence and physical abuse. You told him -- gently -- what your fears were and, as abusers always do, he assured you he'd never physically abuse you. Your mistake was in staying with him despite your well-founded fears, believing his assurances. He was going to turn physically violent whether you spoke to him or kept silent. Nothing you did or said led to what he did, please understand that.
We're strangers to each other, but it pains me to read how you're still blaming yourself for "causing" *his* behaviour. Please pay attention and whenever you start thinking this way, stop and reframe your thoughts so that the person who hurt you bears the full and sole responsibility for his actions. You've come such a long way from the time you lived in the shadow of a violent man, and I wish you many years of serenity and happiness.
You did not “introduce the idea” to him. That’s just silly. He always had it in ‘em.
Lotuinn 2:28
Her laughter is such a cover for her pain. It is hard to listen to. He’s telling her what she’s been feeling all along, but is afraid to acknowledge she thinks he’s going to change, but he won’t. They never do. They never do.
If a husband causes even just a flicker of fear and doubt, GET TF O-U-T! I've been with my husband for 16 years so I have very much seen him lose his temper plenty of times. Not one second in 16 years have I EVER wondered, "would he ever lose his temper with me or our children?" Much less ever wondered if he would ever put his hands on us. Everything about his tone and behavior softens immediately when it comes to us and that's exactly the way it should be.
Must be nice 😃 continue to be grateful and love on that man oooh u lucky!
@@lala5061that is supposed to be normal. It sounds like she has a wonderful husband, but it’s not luck. @buse should be the outlier not the norm. I hope you and your loved ones are well
I agreee with you!!
Please don’t tell a woman to say “If you show your fist again I’m out”. This infuriates the partner even more. I lived this for 18 years until I could get out. After the first sign of potential hitting I no longer argued until I had a safe plan to leave. I’m 66 with a lot of wisdom of abuse.
And of course he's going to promise he won't... and do it again
You did the smart thing!
It depends on the circumstance.
Not exactly what he said but all of it will, it's just the truth. She has to tell him what she will and won't put up with anymore.
I think he meant after she leaves, give him that ultimatum. Not when she’s still living with him you’re right that would be throwing fuel on the fire! But also it depends on how volatile the partner is.
You can't make anyone get help. He won't change because in his eyes you're the problem. Been there done that. Leave while you still have your dignity intact. He won't change and you deserve better. You are in love with who you fell in love with, and that person isn't real.
..You are in love with who you fell in love with and that person isn't real💔 💯
Bingo in his eyes U ARE THE PROBLEM that is exactly what they say....Exactly 👌🏽
I was in her situation until 6 weeks ago. It started right when we got married and it got worse over the next year and a half. It started with extreme criticism and it escalated to him breaking things around our home, punching holes on walls and doors and calling me names the more of his secrets I would find (cheating, homosexual online cheating, stealing underwear from clients homes). The day he hit my hand so I wouldn’t call the police, I got a protection order against him and made him leave our home. The trauma bons is real, the pressure from the church to stick it out is real, but abusive men don’t change and the abuse only gets worse with time until you’re so damaged it takes a long time to recover or until he kills you. I am glad I left before any of those things happened, because we for sure were on track for those things to happen. I am sad my marriage failed, but I am glad I left and I know I’ll heal and one day I’ll find a man who’s going to love God, love me and treat me kindly. Because even though my ex husband calls himself a Christian, he really doesn’t act like one.
Please leave Britney. Keep yourself safe. Sending hugs
I have a friend who did this with her boyfriend. “If he was going to hit me, he would have done it already!” Ugh!! I told her get out, my other friend who witnessed how he treats her told her to get out and she would say the above like a mantra. Finally, she broke up with him and sure enough, he punched her, then kicked in the driver’s side car window while she was in the car trying to get away and yes, it broke and he kicked her in the face in the process. She made a stop at the dmv or the grocery store or something and got a LOT of stares not knowing that she had blood dripping down her face. Thank God they did not live together or she might be dead by now!
DON’T do this, ladies! C’mon! You friends are telling you “GET OUT!” because they care!😢
I know this may be eleven months late but please tell me someone helped your friend.
@@donnamiller3463: Hi, thank you! She is fine. She is now married to a REALLY nice man and has three children (my three godchildren)!
I'm glad some people even have friends that care. When I was in school this boy that wanted to go out with me told me that. "If I didn't do what he said that he was going to do something to me." Tell me why people still thought it was a good idea to go out with him. The excuse for him was that I did not communicate that that was an unacceptable behavior to me. Bruh are you serious? The intention when he said that was to A. scare me. B. Have full control over me.
Then people say "But did you tell him?" Tell him what? He is controlling. Controlling people just want everything their way. No I'm not fucking talking to him. I might explain to a 4 year old but guess what I can defend myself against a 4 year old if I need to. Not a grown man.
@@donnamiller3463: Yes, she is fine now. She long past ditched the loser and is now married to a beautiful man and they have three kiddos!❤️
@@Notme811_you: Ugh! Thank you for having good sense and listening to your gut! And I’ll tell you why those losers said it’s a good idea to go out with him; he’s a narcissist and narcissists have the charm and skill to get groups of people on their side even when they are CLEARLY in the wrong. They others who told you go out with him are either blind to the abuser’s ways (which is most common) or they are simply blatant idiots who don’t want to see; I’ve know both kinds of people. Stay away from them too! At the very least, don’t ask the blind people for advice on any such matter.
She needs an organised plan to leave safely because we know from statistics the risk increases when people leave a DV situation. I wish her all the best 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Everyone says just leave. The graveyards are full of women who left
@brendamoon2660 they are also full of those who stayed. Leaving is dangerous, but make a plan, find a safe time and place, and leave. Get all your important documents together, if possible move sentimental items, clothes etc out secretly to a safe place, get whatever you think you will need that you are able to, then GTFO. Been there, done that. Best wishes to Brittany for her future safe and happy life
She’s making so many excuses for him. She will not leave him right now.
You cannot get anyone to do anything except yourself.
I feel the same. She does not seem ready to leave him.
Start packing your stuff and give it to someone to store away. Make it look like you're spring cleaning. Start with the items you can't live without. But at any moment be ready to leave everything behind. Tell someone what day you're planning to leave. Don't tell your partner anything. And always move in with family and friends. Don't keep his secrets. If you have kids. Plan a vacation for everyone to visit your family. Enjoy your vacation but don't leave with him. Let your family know your plan
I was this woman. The date of my last physical assault was December 2, 2019. He picked me up like a rag doll because I was asking him some questions about his behavior - his excessive drinking, being very late coming home from work, catching him having more alcohol dropped off in the middle of the night by his sister or brother - he picked me up and just body slammed me into the tile floor of the kitchen. I was in shock in the moment. I couldn't believe it was happening like this. Before, it would just be pushing, grabbing (grabbing hard enough that left bruises) or like hitting the area around me or kicking the chair I was sitting in. He stopped after 3 slams. I stupidly tried to get back up and he grabbed my head and slammed it into the tile floor. I felt my teeth get loose. After several head slams, I didn't move. I hoped it would make him stop. He also knocked the breath out of me so I was trying to find my bearings. He than picked up my head, looked into my face - I stupidly opened my eyes and saw his and they were fully black. Just black and like sort of blank. And he did a final, hard smash of my face into the tile. And the next thought I had was "He really means to hurt me". And that was it. He ran out the door and I called the police. He was arrested. He made bail early the next morning. He kept breaking into the house after - even during our divorce proceeding. He tried to tell the court I did all of it to myself. Even after our divorce was granted, he continued to abuse me via the court system. His lawyer would call me at work, home, cellphone. Threaten me for making up false claims and tell me I was going to be arrested. Threaten to come to my home. His own lawyer. Some how, my ex thought I was screwing him out of our divorce agreement so he fired his original attorneys and came after me with that gem of an asshole. He dragged out actions of our divorce agreement for 6 months after the agreement was finalized, forcing me to continue to pay thousands of dollars trying to get him to comply with our divorce agreement per the courts. His new lawyer would call my dad, my sister, my dad's work - I couldn't believe it. My own lawyer's had to file documents with the court to control the harassment and communication - everything had to be in writing and monitored from then on. After two contempt filing by me and seeing that the judge was not going to like his behavior, one day it magically stopped. He did get married shortly after our divorce. I don't know if that is the cause of the stopping. All I can say is I told the truth in court. His new wife was in the courtroom and saw all of the pictures of my injuries blown up on big poster board and heard the testimony. If anything, I feel I gave her complete and fair warning. I am still working on my recovery. I do isolate a great deal and I don't leave the house often but I am working on it and I feel safer now. But I wish I had left sooner. I wish I didn't continue to make up excuses for his behavior and hide it from everyone. If someone ever gives you the idea that they could or would hurt you, get away. Don't chance it. No love is ever worth that kind of pain.
What she's scared of is the upheaval, the financial deprivation, the possible violent retribution. She DESPERATELY needs to GET OUT, get SERIOUS help from the people and agencies that are THERE for her, and there for other women in her situation. DO IT NOW!!!
"He's using that as cover to do whatever he wants to do in your life." - Dr. John hit the nail on the head!
I agree with Dr. John. My husband and I have been in some HUGE heated fights (having to leave for a night the whole 9 yards) and I have never once worried about my safety during those. I worried about our relationship but never once worried my husband would put his hands on me. I've been in an abusive relationship before, if she feels this she's probably right. never ignore your gut. Those instincts are there to protect ourselves both emotionally and physically.
I hope the caller reads this. You are trauma bonded. Please leave. I was a devout Catholic who wouldn’t leave my abusive ex because of my religion. I finally figured out that I wasn’t going to believe in any dogma that didn’t want me to thrive. I left on my 40th birthday. The only regret I had was not leaving sooner.
The Catholic church has NEVER taught wives should stay with a physically abusive husband.
Someone once said “…and go where?” It is very easy to tell people to “get out” but there has to be a plan in place and I mean air tight with contingencies. She has to save herself because her church and probably community at large has failed her to have this mentality ingrained so well. I hear it in her nervous/pained laughter. My good sister, I’ll be praying for you.
Edit: I am so glad that the folks responding to my comment have safe options. But not everyone does. This callers’ church community has already failed her and it’ll take courage to try again. And what if parents or siblings have passed, don’t have money to help, live in another state, don’t have the space or just don’t want to endanger themselves (maybe again). I could go on. I’m not saying it’s impossible but that “there has to be a plan in place and air tight with contingencies”. Recognize you have good options that others do not.
When it's a matter of life and death there's no asking where to go. She is an adult, she can connect with other humans, she'll find a way.
Trust me if he came out with a gun trying to end her , she will definitely find all the places she could go rather than stay there. But it's not urgent enough for her at the moment so those options aren't obvious
The women who are eventually unalived by their own husbands , I'm sure when they see the end at that moment they aren't asking themselves....and go where..?
I wish police departments could assist with things like this. you should be able to go to the police, tell the person you’re living with that you’re in danger at home and have no other shelter to go to, and they should be able to call in resources to help you.
Umm… go live with your parents for a bit? until you get back on your feet and can rent a studio apartment or whatever you can afford… go stay with a friend for a couple of weeks while you find a small apartment? Go stay with a sibling for a while? Like use your brain, “and go where?”. Open your eyes… use your brain, you can do it.
@@omgurheadsgonesome of us don’t have parents or family members that will help us. I had to go to a homeless shelter, it took over two months for one to open up because they’re constantly full, once I finally got in it was horrible, the food was literally covered in mold the beds were metal slabs with a quarter inch foam mat on it, it was easier to sleep on the concrete floor than on the “bed” and I had to do it with an infant. By my fourth day I was so sick from food poisoning I ended up in the hospital. It’s so easy to say just leave but rarely that simple.
Well said!!!! It is not that easy!!
I never knew my ex punching the wall next to me and throwing furniture was actually abuse until after I left him.
My partner theatened for 18 years to either hit me, stab me or shoot me. He never did, but the emotional effect was very painful. Leave.
Relationships should never be scary or dangerous feeling.
Her voice tells me that she won't leave. She sounds extremely reluctant. Most of these abusers won't ever take the steps needed to change.
I agree..she is trying to find excuses not to leave...maybe she is in a situation where she feels she would be a burden on someone else if she leaves...
This is the very reason I delayed marriage for so many years. I was terrified of finding out that I had married a person who would hide the truth while dating and then reveal the dark side after marriage.
That is exactly what happened to me 😥
And yet even when that happens and it can, society will say that you picked wrong and blame you
@@LisaLisaCJ the people I know in real life dont say that, but the internet trolls surely do 😅, you can't win with them.
I wish I had someone like you in my corner when I was going through it, Dr. John.
This beautiful soul’s situation with her husband was very much like my own and I’m so glad I found this video because it saved me. It helped me to make my decision to put my foot down and say enough is enough, I’m tired of being emotionally abused, manipulated, and treated like my needs and feelings do not matter. I do not deserve to be hit no matter how angry my husband is at me. He had been gaslighting me, breaking and throwing things around, and threatening to hit me for six years but now that I’ve been away from him for two months I am already thriving and much happier. Thank you John.
I was in your shoes, I was
Afraid He was going to kill ME!
I ran for my life and Never looked back.
It’s been 4 yrs, I’m in a safe place now.
Thank God!!
Even that wording “I don’t want to hit you.” Awful for him and heartbreaking for her
It takes 7 times on average for a victim to leave before they leave for good. I was just like her in two relationships. I’m a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, r*pe and attempted m*rder. I ran away on the 7th attempt and barely got away. These are not good people.
What made you return the other 6 times? Just curious about the psychology, not blaming you at all, it’s all on the abuser.
@ that’s a great question, thank you for asking. Your mind is psychologically warped when you’re with an abuser, the equivalent of getting high on drugs basically. When you start to figure it all out and want to leave, they love bomb you all over again so you go back and plenty of people do because you believe in the fantasy that isn’t real of being together. Way too many people become afraid to be on their own when leaving an abusive relationship as well so they keep going back to the fantasy. When you’re on a multiple attempt to leave for good is when it gets scary because this is when most victims become assaulted, r*ped or deleted. When I escaped mine, i sadly wanted to keep going back because the addiction was still there. It felt like I was detoxing from drugs when I left for good. Really the best way to stay away from this cycle is to educate yourself and become strong. Know when to walk away at the first red flag.
I worked with the wife of a pastor to leave her husband. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He was a control freak. God does not demand you stay with an abuser.
It actually does command to stay with an abuser with the exception of adultery or death. The christian god didn't seem to account for basic nuance in marriage.
This is what religion does😢
@@yingyang7448 you can use discernment and live separately to save yourself from an abuser.
@@blueseptember2174
And I would 100% agree, but if the abusive spouse never commits adultery and doesn't die until much later, the healthy spouse has to stay in that marriage according to christian religion which is just absurd.
@@isay207 this is what happens when the husband's mother ran off with another man and he is afraid and will not get the help he needs.
She’s like me, Christian woman and afraid to make the wrong move. Husband is abusive and claims to be Christian. I’ve had trouble leaving too. It’s exhausting and she is remembering him for the good times and how he lied her into loving him.
Pray and leave. Wish there were more resources for us women in these situations. There are a ton of resources out there but until you are walking in these shoes you don’t realize how little you have in terms of help.
I guarantee you that he's not a Christian. He's using religion as an excuse. A real Christian husband would honour his wife and treat her like gold. Definitely leave if you can get out. You deserve to feel safe and happy.
I was attacked by my brother. I will never, EVER defend him! EVER! He is allowed to be mad ad me. He does not have to like me. But he cannot abuse me, either verbally or psychically.
They always wind up abusing the person closest to them. Please stay away 6 months and see how you feel? You are strong enough to put up with him, so you are strong enough to leave! I promise you that, beautiful. It never gets better unless you leave. Then "maybe" it will?
People many times do not take this kind of thing seriously enough, until one day we hear on the news that there has been a murder/suicide that has happened. That might sound dramatic, but I live in a big city, and on the news several times a month there is a story about someone murdering a family member and then committing suicide, so yes, it does happen quite often in the city that I live in (sadly). People just don't want to believe it could potentially be them that gets murdered (or injured badly) though.
I agree. Also, people can die or get seriously injured from violence accidentally. I know a man who was defending his girlfriend in a pub and the stranger hit him up his nose. He has brain damage. He has lived with his Mum his whole life since. Then there was my friend (male) who moved in with his girlfriend and 8 weeks later he was dead. She stabbed him in a dramatic jealous drunken rage, not meaning to kill him, but it went straight into his heart.
@@Coooeee Oh wow that's awful.
It is devastating, but narcissist and abusers do this. They prey on your genuine goodness, they extort your ability to see their meager good traits and magnify their potential, for which they will never use.
Man this is probably why I was constantly in fight or flight last year. I don't understand why no one sees this but me. Our marriage is much better since we finally got marriage counseling. But man... I wish someone could see what I was so afraid of.
No one should ever fear their partner, no one should ever feel threatened and unsafe on any level with the person that supposedly loves them. The precursors to physical abuse: verbal, mental, emotional abuse, are major and more than enough to destroy one’s spirit before you ever find yourself in a corner with a black eye.
Just add financial abuse and you have a full set.
Never give your exit plan. Quiet and just be civil and when it's time. Go.
Leave him now! He will only get worse.❤
She's not going to leave
Sadly you might be right. Many women in this situation don't have the strength to leave and when they decide to leave it will be too late.
Nope, she’s not going anywhere. She’s still making excuses for him.
I love the name “Tequisa” never heard it before❤
Exactly.
This woman is not going to leave. She's making so many excuses for him. She's so afraid of being alone, she would rather be in an abusive relationship than be alone.
She's very codependent. You can hear it in the call. She's not leaving him.
She will eventually. She is strong and brave.
Some women on here are given very good at advice that she needs to do. She needs to prepare an out for herself. A lot of women on here saying have a go bag ready for her and kids. Abuse is usually progressive starting with verbal abuse and escalating over time until it will become physical. It's not if it's just when
I wish i could tell this woman myself to get out or have a heart to heart with some of these women that call in. I have stayed single for so long because of past abuse and the changes it created in me. I was left with brain damage because i believed in turning the other cheek but it almost cost me and my childs life one night and that one night over twenty years ago changed me forever everytime i hear a woman going through this i wish i could tell them that they dont owe it to anybody to let someone hurt them like that to show love and if they are hurting you its not going to get better no matter how good you are love yourself enough to walk away before your life is dramatically diminished by someone elses bad actions
I'm not a Christian. That out of of the way, what non Christian's like me do is we get brothers, fathers and friends involved and make sure that this man is clear that violence or threats of violence against a female in our lives = consequences. Basically he threatens you, they threaten him. He hits you, they hit him. All the while helping you to get out and away from this guy. If you don't have those kind of men in your life, call the police and ask them for help and resources that can get you out of this situation. No one should live in fear of violence in their home.
My sister gave the stone cold stunner to our other sister’s abusive boyfriend. I regret not getting video of it every day.
Agreed. If I found out my sister was abused by her husband, I'd grab some friends and pay him a visit... Then pack up his stuff, drag him outside and change the locks to the house.
I'm a Christian and I approve this message.
I mean, the Bible talked about a woman's family that retaliated against a man who violated her. Protecting your sisters and daughters is a Christian thing. But abusers will use religion to manipulate and abuse people.
Sorry, but the police are no help.
I was afraid to leave because I was I didn't want to be single or adulterous :( I was afraid I wouldn't be allowed to re-marry. I also didn't want to abandon him.
But what helped me realize it was wrong was this show and other RUclipsrs. I was seeking a healthy relationship. So I'd watch RUclips videos about healthy relationships. I did try to convince him to go to counseling with me but he adamantly refused.
These videos made me realize my relationship was not healthy. And that if I did care about him, I had to cut things loose.
What also helped me was my sister's marriages. Their husbands are soooo sweet. I'd be sitting there like "Dang, is that how marriages can be?"
I got out for good but co-parent.
I'm happy being single surprisingly :) And I have a lot of friends and family who supported me.
Also my state is so nice.
Young people, please have a degree and money for yourself saved up. I think that's practical and safe. No woman or man is a saint. People can disagree with me all they want. I don't care. This has been my experience to have a way out. That way you'll never have to be crushed by abuse. And if people ever challenge you on it, then to me? They aren't fit for marriage because a person fit for marriage has to be a person of foresight and wisdom.
Dang Christian community has encouraged abuse for far too long.
Also what helped me was I knew if I stayed, I would become a bad person eventually.
Something had to change.
Because I was getting very angry about the abuse.
He tried to blame it all on me.
I watched tons of psychology videos though. He tried every which way to discount my stance but I wouldn't let it happen.
That first sentence keeps people in marriages they don’t need to be in. No verse can tell me that I have to stay married to a man beating me and that I can never remarry. That being said I commend the whole have your own and always have a plan B. People change and can be deceptive. It happens all the time
So here's the thing. The bible SHAMES divorce (unless it's sexual immorality). However, realistically there are things that warrant divorce because otherwise the spouse will live in a hellish environment for the rest of their life.
I guess the christian god didn't account for the nuances in divorce.
@@LisaLisaCJ
Technically, according to the backwards beliefs in the bible, you do "have" to stay married to a man with the exception of sexual immorality. The bible is one wild book.
@@LisaLisaCJ My first sentence is for people to understand why people stay. I didn't stay. I'm out. And I even explained I'm happy being alone. So I don't understand why you're like "That being said" because I didn't indicate it was the right choice. But it's a common issue that people fall into in spiritual abuse.
Thankfully there's RUclips channels like this helping people.
1. Dump. 2. Move permanently ON! FULL STOP!
She needs to work harder to get out than to stay. SAME thing happened to me. I went to therapy and six months later he hit, actually, attacked me. He was arrested and resented me for the next ten years, abusing me along the way. It took a lot to realize I could not save the mess that he is. If you see him, Scott Allen Rebman, Cedar Creek, Texas, stay clear.
I went through this ,, my son was 5,, he would rage at us , then he hurt my son and the police escorted him out !,, that was 15 years ago and I never looked back !,,,
As a husband who has had anger issues in the past I learned to calmly say, I’m getting angry right now and I need to disengage from this argument and we can talk about this when I (and we) can calmly talk about x,y,z. A lot of work took place and now my wife and I have trust, communication, and disagreement without it escalating. I listen, I ask questions, I don’t believe I’m always right anymore.
BE VERY CAREFUL. GO WHILE HE'S GONE SOMEWHERE AND DO NOT GO BACK.
The Bible makes it very clear "Do not go with an angry man". An abusive loser will not get help or change, they don't want to. They are addicted to abusing you. They get a hit of dopamine when they hurt you. Please get a plan in place and leave ASAP. Don't tell him you are leaving either. Do it quietly.
Yes! The bible says to not befriend angry hot tempered men and basically RUN.
Get out. Especially since “nothing has happened yet”. You may not survive the “first” time.
I appreciate Dr. John for being a solid man here- zero tolerance, nothing but true compassion
I would leave like a theif in the night.
It’s brutal as a woman to have invested so much, to have met a partners’ superficial wellness, devotion to faith, etc. by matching those things (integrity, faith, morals, values, good intentions, enduring love, etc.) genuinely, only to find you’re alone in those ways of existing.
To have been fed lies from the beginning and Ben immersed and blinded by smoke screens and potential of the evolving abuser.
6:00 Here is the unequivocal tell: A husband who would never hit his wife would say “I would never”, not “I don’t want to”, on the matter of hurting his wife.
Yes. Same as I can unequivocally say "I would never hit my dog." I have never hit -- or pretended like I was going to hit -- any dog in my entire life, and I never will.
People deserve their spouses to treat them at least as well as I treat my dog.
$10 says she won't leave. She's too afraid of being ALONE. She would rather be in an abusive marriage rather than be alone.
She's making so many excuses for him. She's not leaving him.
Go read a book.
I hope youre wrong here, but I have to agree that the number of excuses she makes for him in addition to the misplaced obligation she has towards him is very telling. I have known a couple women like this and it is easy to spot.
She's afraid to leave. We don't have the whole story.
I didn’t hear her say she’s afraid of being alone.
It's almost like abuse diminishes your self esteem and you don't actually think you deserve or a capable of a better life. And it's almost like religion plays a huge part in these types of marriage issues, he is clearly using her faith against her and that lifelong belief is a hard thing to go against. @@amiblack8294
Poor woman, I feel for her. I hope she finds the strength to leave.
Dr. John is absolutely right on this one. Get out NOW before it escalates. After he's done work and has SHOWN that he has changed, then she can CONSIDER what guidelines to put in to keep herself safe and possibly but slowly reenter the relationship
I’d divorce him and not care about any work he is doing. Those types are manipulative and don’t change
I think the right thing to do is leave and never come back. Same thing goes for cheating, just leave and never come back.
I agree. I think there is room for healing in some relationships with real evidence of deep change. There are certainly some who won’t ever change though.
I had a wonderful mother in law. I told her my concerns. She told me to leave. I told him her suggestion… He was shocked! Never bullied me again. Because he knew here was no one to run to or hide with. We’ve been married 30 years now. And we are having a blast!!
I agree with everything he said except if you cheat on me again… once is enough for me. I wouldn’t give someone a second chance
Dear sister, please leave.....the moment he actually hit you it can be the last time you live. Love yourself enough Britney and leave,please i beg you to leave NOW!
@ALB S Awwe. So sweet. And I totally agree with you. Thank you for saying that to her.
Haven't even listened to the call yet, but If you even have to wonder or ask such a question, then you're in the wrong place
Britney, please leave and never let him near you. Even if he sincerely wants to change, your husband can only change with a tremendous amount of therapy, but you don't have the time to wait. Even if he says he LOVES you, he cannot control his behavior because he is mentally unable. Get out. I was in a loving, safe marriage for twenties years. I never felt unsafe. My husband was my rock. You DESERVE better!!
She thinks she's surrounded herself with caring people, but she is probably talking about her church. I say this as a devout Christian myself: she is wrong about them. That is the exact church that has made her think it is a crazy idea to leave her abusive husband because they are "followers of Christ". The second she chooses her own safety those people will either not let her alone and chastise her or they will drop her. Usually the former and then the latter when she doesn't "repent". They will not hold him to the same standards of repentance that they will hold her. I wish this wasn't the case over and over again, but I've heard it too many times to trust that it won't be the case. I pray she listened to Dr. John and that she got safe.
Preach! I'm also a devoted born again Christian and I agree with everything you said. Jesus taught to always stand up and speak up for what is right and just and not to lie
I was in this woman's shoes and he took me to church marriage counseling so I could learn to be the "loving and forgiving Godly wife" who "submits to her husband and, through her pure love, heals his heart and ends his need for anger." This is while I was sitting there with bruises and cuts. This "counseling" almost got me killed. I cam hear it in this woman saying "What can I do to make him better?"
I know some here will say "but not all churches are like that" but I'm afraid I will never trust one again.
That's incredibly sad that you won't trust church again. It depends where you go. The church where I fellowshipped helped me move and gave me substantial amount of money after abusive marriage ended. I hate to see you out of fellowship. You can't do Jesus solo.
He’s already abusing you if you are scared of him. It’s time to go. It will only get worse.
Please be safe. Leave asap . It can be scary but you will thank yourself .
I really hate how often leaving gets simplified as “just get out”. If she chooses to leave, and I really hope she did, she needs to be able to Stay away for a period of time. A quick return makes things even worse. I remember many years ago my best friends mom was hit by her husband and we rushed over to their home and packed her bag and took her and her special needs daughter away. But she wasn’t in a place mentally, emotionally or financially to commit to that and so she returned within a day or two. Even though we assured her we’d support her staying away she was so isolated and had such a dependence on this guy that she wasn’t ready to get out. And to this day she’s still there. It’d important to leave but she needs a place, commitment and the support to truly leave or she’s at serious risk of the harm he will inflict for her daring to leave. It seems simple but it’s anything but simple.
She needs to RUN!!!! He will hurt her more. She needs to get out of there ASAP! I hope she can look at this situation and put her sister or best friend in her place. What would she want her friend or sister to do? This IS NOT LOVE.
Listen to your intuition above all else! The sense that abusive behavior may accelerate it not an “if”, it is a certainty.
Don't give him the chance to hit you. When you know he will be away for a good while, pack your things and leave.
Also, him saying "I never want to do that" means nothing. WHEN he hits her, he will blame her for it - the good ol' "Look what you made me do!!" victim blaming.
Just leave. You don't have to be explaining his actions to anyone or defend him, he's a grown a** man and can speak for himself. And do not go back until he has proven he's changed, and not just saying it, literally proving it with his behavior over a long time.
The husband should love, respect and be the security of his wife. Not the threatening person of who she needs protection. That's all to say about it 😢
Her laughter while receiving real advice to leave this situation is so upsetting. When we try to warn someone about the abuse and they just dismiss us as we were crazy. It's so upsetting.
It's a trauma response. A coping mechanism. An outlet for the intense stress and conflict we are struggling to process. Just like flight or fight, there's laugh or cry.
God protect this woman at all costs.
Make an exit plan hun - immediately
Some people are beyond saving.
John is absolutely correct. Get away you can’t change people and it will escalate. You can get killed take this serious. My father used to beat my mother and always promised her that he wouldn’t do it again, but he did it over and over and over again.please get away. You deserve better ❤
I grew up watching my alcoholic father beat my mamas ass flip dinner tables and I remember I promised myself I’d never live in that I met a guy thought I was in love but the first time u lifted his hand to me there were no questions no answers I picked up my dog my bag and I left never looked back
What about your mom😢
Instead of talking to Dr John, she needs to be packing!!! Women, snap out of the Disney fantasies and get with reality.
Unfortunately in 20 minutes you can't touch on finances and just not dumping on people who she might not be very close too. She told one person. She's afraid. He gets to keep home/apartment and all the things they have and she's scared. She really needs to do more than leave, she needs emotional and financial help.
She won't leave.
@@deb9806 she won't worry about all that if she's no longer alive. Her priority is to leave , the rest is secondary
@@dearbrave4183 I know that, but I know, especially having a police officer in the family that they do think of everything many times when they haven’t actually been hit yet and even after
I was in a physically abusive relationship with my soon to be ex husband for over 38 years. I was 17 years old when i met him. We were mabey 1 1/2 into our relationship when he would get angry at me and break things in my car because we were always in my car, and one night during our fights i told him to hit me because i was tired of him breaking things in my car, and he did. He hit me in my face and i bled everywhere. He panicked and cleaned me up. I was ony 19 years old. Thats all it took, those 2 words. I along with my 2 boys were abused for many years by this man. I NEVER called the police and reported him for domestic abuse. I was afraid of him and for my kids. I also loved him very much. He would blame me for triggering him. He broke many many things in our home. I had enough of his ways including his infidelity. All it took was him raising a shoe of his as if to hit me with it, and i grabed the shoe and raised it to him as if to hit him and then threw it down and told him, that it was the last time you will raise a shoe to me ever!! And i packed my suitcase and left him for good. I am 8 months out of our relationship and am in the process of a divorce. I put a restraining order on him and living with my sister. I fought back. My husband is a coward. I and my 2 boys are survivors. Save yourself before its to late. Abuse only gets worse. He will never change unless he wants to and gets help for himself.
I had a 20 year marriage with this. Run girl, run.
It Only Get's Worse
Once He Feel's Comfortable Disrespecting You..!!
She's Definately Not Ready To Leave, probably Have a Few Kid's Befor She Realizes Her Life is Unbearable.
If you have to even ask this question, you already know the answer. Been married for 2.5 years and never asked this question once . I did have an ex that was like that and was asking this question… but I left the situation
My partner once said that if he wanted to beat me, I'd be dead. Weeee...i knew then to leave and run for my life.
He doesn’t love you if he scares you.
The moment you think it's your job to fix an abuser, you're already in grave danger.