"Toxic" is starting to lose it's meaning. When I hear someone talking about "toxic" people these days, they're probably talking about people who have different opinions, make different life choices, or hold them accountable for their actions and their statements.
Have to be careful with this one bc everyone’s situation is different. Being “annoyed“ is one thing but flat out and repeated betrayal and smack talk behind ones back is another thing again. THAT is toxic.
She said it's OK to unfriend family backstabbers, etc. But, every case is a bit different and the consequences of our action/ inaction need to be considered.
Exactly! This is what it really means to be toxic. Abusing ppl is completely different from annoying people. Bullying, threatening your life, fighting, and constant putdowns and lying are all forms of being a truly toxic person. The truth is everyone has bad days and struggles with so much but nobody is willing to talk or listen to any of that...everyone is stuck in their sunshines and rainbows and the minute you snap someone into reality you're labeled as "negative" or "toxic".
@@MagickalMermaid Thats so true- if I snap Spotlights on me like what’s the matter with you it’s like their idea of emotionally controlling someone else simply through words its a trap
I cut ties with my mother 10 years ago. She is toxic, manipulating and has narcissistic tendencies. It was completely the right decision for me with regards to my own mental health.
My only question with instances like this is if you know she's all these things why can't you be around her when you know what to expect. For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your mom grew up around to make her that way.
Good on you. 👏👏 Sometimes we have to let some people go. Even if it is a family member. Some people can truly drain your energy. I just called them "mental vampire".
And sometimes, you DO have to unfriend in real life when you DO point out the behavior and they keep doing it. My peace is way more important than a friend who does not respect the friendship after trying to communicate with them.
Honest question. Was friends with someone and I spoke how I keep kindness around me because I grew up with abuse and I won’t be cursed at or belittled (getting mad is one thing but personally attacking is another) and then one day she “didn’t feel good and was stressed” and cussed at me multiple times and wouldn’t let me drive when it wasn’t medically safe for her to and I was terrified. when I brought up that she hurt me and She knows I’m not ok with what she did and the only time she said the word sorry was 10 mins after by walking up hugging me without my consent and said it and walked away without me being able to respond and when I wanted to talk about it after that when she pretended like nothing happened she attacked me in numerous ways because I brought it up. That’s valid to cut off right?
I stopped talking to my sisters and brothers for more than 10 years because they were not my friends but constantly lord over me and told me how I don’t mount up to anything. During the years alone I felt so happy and improved myself. Now we talked again and they realised how much I have transformed and they respect me. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
Sometimes cutting someone out is the best way. A sad reality, however I always try to self-reflect on my own behaviors to see what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes ur biggest mistake is tolerating toxicity. I know it was for me.
I feel like we shouldn’t only talk about how to deal with „toxic“ people but we should also look at ourselves and try to be less toxic because it isn’t always the other person, sometimes we are the toxic one.
I got a good piece of advice from my therapist once: before you say something ask yourself 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? Good thing to remember
Wonderful Mel 🙌. The phrase ‘toxic person’ is being branded about constantly these days. It’s too easy to hit the ‘block’ button rather than giving it some thought and turning the attention onto ourselves. I spoke up in a workshop that had booklets labelling people ‘energy vampires’ etc. Friendships are not easy to come by and our friends may be going through hard times and in need of support rather than rejection.
This is very good advise. Because our future has been changed by young people just dumping family and friends . It's possible our future will be no family or community. Thanks
My name is Amol, from India. And in my experience, people becomes toxic towards you when 1. You are making progress, going ahead in life, earning more. 2. When you are below them financially at beginning but now going ahead of them. 3. You are not giving attention to them they deserve (because they are self-pity). 4. You are not gossiping with them about other people. 5. You are making new friends. 6. You dont allow them to make fun of you. 7. They never heard about "mind your own business" and your life has become their life now. 8. You are not picking their calls in 5 seconds (cause you are busy in household work) 9. Their life sucks. 10. And last but not the least, they prefer sugarcoated lie instead of unpleasant truth.
Wow! Straightforward and honest. Found this by accident while scrolling, bored in hospital with a MS relapse, and am so glad I did! This topic has been on my find for the past month. Bless you.
Omg!!! Thank you for this. This is what I've exerperienced since this toxic stuff was flung. The funniest part is, they're usually toxic aiming at those that have their own opinions, and calling those strong minded or opinionated toxic. Just because they want it all their way or the highway. Thank you.
Hey Mel, I wanted to thank you for making a video like this. You're 100% right. Everyone and their mother is talking about how we need to cut people out of our lives as if a human life is something we could so easily cancel. Where is the love in that?. My respect for you has just gone through the roof. Once again you deliver the truth in spectacular clarity
Sometimes “unfriend” isn’t possible, especially when that person comes in a package with someone you do care about and want to have a relationship with. At that point it’ll come down to minimising their negative impact
Mel, if you read comments, I just want to say, PLEASE do more videos on this topic! The struggle is real! In regard to whether or not someone is toxic, I am inclined to judge that based on patterns. We all have days when we may act toxic, and for SURE, we all need some extra kindness from our friends on our bad days. But whether someone deserves to be labeled as toxic has to do with whether it is a pattern you see repeatedly with them. It really takes alot of abuse for me to be willing to end a friendship, but when someone is continually disrespectful and manipulative, and I have enough history with the person to the point I've realized there is a long-standing pattern of toxic behavior and not just a rough patch here or there, then I know the problem is not me. I've had a few friendships where I realized that this was the case, and that every time I tried to smooth things over and let something hurtful go, I was only prolonging my own misery because they have a pattern of being toxic. Unfortunately, it takes time to figure out whether certain behavior is someone's pattern or just a rough patch...
This pandemic changed my life. I lost my job, I was lost, then I started this RUclips channel and I'm slowly growing. And it totally changed my life already. If you're watching this, you'll get there at the top one day. Don't give up.
This message could be dangerous advice to someone who is being manipulated and abused in a relationship. Someone being abused usually isn't aware they are. They usually carry the blame and shame of the relationship's troubles. They are confused and vulnerable. Encouraging them to fight further for the relationship or to "self reflect"..only keeps them in the cycle of the abuse.
Yes! It is important to address the situation directly. It's very easy to make assumptions, but we never really no what is going on behind closed doors. Getting to the root of the problem and looking within is key. This video is invaluable!
I dont agree. I feel like this needs to be approached with caution. In my situation the toxic person was verbally abusive and neglecting my basic needs. When they start damaging you and taking away your light it’s time to walk away. You can’t be there for someone who abuses you and DOESNT want to change. Put yourself first always.
Wow. This is an amazing message, Mel. I’ve struggled so much with toxic people, and it causes me so much distress and depression that I don’t even understand why. It’s good to take a step back and reflect, this way you build a better and stronger character.
Its a fantastic and a responsible advice Mel. I loved it. In today's world people are so triggered by their own emotions and boundaries that everything that comes for their good they take it as if it's hitting their weak spot even when it's in good taste. People have learned this word 'toxic person' , 'toxicity' have to be cut out, but what about questioning self if I am really the reason the other person became toxic. I am a firm believer that good person are understood may be a little late, but they are understood.
Agree with this to a certain point, but there exists different levels of toxicity; from mildly toxic, to some people that are so toxic (eg. full blown narcissists/ sociopaths) that it can be to the point of them being dangerous. If someone is mildly annoying, but I know they have a good heart, I will keep them in my life, but if they are cruel, abusive, mean, or continually push over my boundaries, then I will distance myself from them; my emotional well being is worth too much.
I agree with you completely. If someone is intentionally hurtful towards you because that is what they need to feel good about themselves, that goes beyond annoying. We all have quirks and flaws. That is annoying but often many things are tolerable and we should have patience for one another. Cruelty should not be tolerated or overlooked. It’s a burning house--get out!
Deep that was deep very deep, makes me want to reed the Bible and go even deeper because the resentment of someone goes far deeper than just emotions and triggering, it's very spiritual aswell.
It isn't so much of the other person being toxic it's our own denial of not wanting to accept our own bad behavior. ""There's always something going on with Self"!!!! Powerful message
Had a long term friend, been on off over 45 years. This time I know it's gone, no phone call needed. 7 months on I've grown so much, on a spiritual journey. Didn't realize how toxic the relationship had become despite having had conversations about the content. Big weight gone. No guilt. Good advice though re looking at oneself.
Personally, the people in my life that found ANY chance to call basically EVERYONE they ran into toxic or annoying...they themselves were some of the MOST toxic, shallow, and closed-minded people. Those are the people that lacked empathy compared to everyone around them. Those are the people who others kept getting mad at, not for no reason, but because they wouldn't stop talking sh*t. Those were the people that would ghost or leave or not give a chance to the people that were closest or kindest to them. If someone leaves you cold and you don't understand why or you did nothing wrong, realize that it probably had nothing to do with you. They most likely had too many internal issues they couldn't deal with and also guilt from all the times they hurt you that they didn't wanna admit to. We don't always leave toxic ppl; sometimes they leave us because they can't handle kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. They're basically allergic to those things, until they learn how to introspect and grow as a human being. So let them leave you, and if they choose to come back, don't let them until they've really really really proven they've changed. And if you get the chance, say you're piece while they're leaving in the most rational way possible. Tell them why they hurt you and if they don't answer back or say sorry, leave it at that but know that you did nothing wrong.
Spot on as always Mel! I check in and I rarely unfriend or block etc. However, if I find I’m always the one checking in, I distance myself/step back. No drama. Just, ok, I see what this is and I’m only going to want what wants me. I’m only going to pursue what pursues me. It’s hard to do but it’s the only way I’ve found peace with it...
I can really relate to what you are saying. BOTH people need to be invested in a relationship for that relationship to weather a difficult time and repair damage or mistrust. It can’t just be one side doing all the heavy lifting. If both sides don’t feel value in one another, it is sometimes better to move on, hopefully not with anger or resentment but just the final acknowledgment that something that didn’t feel right, sometimes for years or decades, wasn’t right. Sometimes our own self awareness and the better we come to understand ourselves can make it hard to pretend anymore. You can try and try to discuss something with someone and it’s just not going to make a dent. Some people are not reflective about themselves. Stop beating the dead horse. I think in our hearts we know when it’s time to wish them well and move on.
I am “so glad” , that SOMEONE FINALLY STEPPED UP , to shed light of a “different perspective “ on this subject. It seems so many people are on the toxic, cut people out of their lives , band wagon. It’s so sad. We all go through highs and lows in life. Everyone is not a narcissistic toxic person. Sometimes people do need a little more at one time or other, or loose their way. Sometimes people experience droughts in their lives. Things can go very wrong for people sometimes that can bring about questionable behavior. Sometimes we need to weather the storms with them. A little, patience, understanding and forgiveness are the true attributes of remembering that we are all just human beings trying to make our way through. None are perfect, especially all of the time. I don’t think this message is in reference to someone who is truly being abused. Abuse should never be tolerated. I think this message hits home to bring awareness that we should be careful how we evaluate people and judge them. Not to be to quick. To realize that there are exceptions to the rule that do require a little more reflection. Everyone’s situation can be different. I think this is an important cautionary bit of advice to help all of us to be more Careful when discerning our relationships. To not only, as she stated, to look at them, but to also look inside ourselves. There are truly those that are clearly messed up an unchanging and you should avoid. However, there are cases that should require a closer look. It all depends on circumstances I guess.
It’s worth trying to figure out what the real problem is. 9/10, it can be sorted and true, it’s a learning curve. But... when you the situation doesn’t change... move on.
Great advice!! Reminded me of a great friend's advice 30 yrs ago: Just about everyone you interact/communicate with reflects something about your past, present or future/potential self. Those who annoy or anger us most sometimes reflect a past or present quality we're not fond of within ourselves. So, yeah, excellent idea to go within and do a little soul searching about why that person pushes your buttons... no doubt that search will reveal new perspectives/understanding of that person. ☯️🐬☮️
Love this message! I never felt comfortable just cutting off family and friends. So important to examine our thoughts and feelings and learn from why we feel the way that we do and learn to be more empathetic.
Just had this moment yesterday when I realized how subconsciously ungrateful I was during this pandemic. I hated this, I hated that, but when I got reminded how other people live nowadays, I still have a better situation. No, I'm not taking other people's sufferings as a way to feel good, it just brings a better perspective. I admitted to myself I was a complainer (the toxic one) and it was also hard to accept that. Self-shaming came in, it was uncomfortable, but then I said to myself "This is the time I should realize this, it's okay and now I'm aware, I will do better." It calmed me down. The time we are in is different, people are more bothered, need jobs, food on the table, their life back. For those who still have resources, be grateful, and do your best to help others by not complaining, but be a part of the solution.
I’ve “checked in” for years now and it’s why I’m still sane. The irony is that the more we grow, the less “old” friends we may have. That is because TRUE friends, who accept you for having boundaries and limits and respect them and stick around. Instead of unfriending (the old friends) or having a toe to toe or ugly showdown, I leave them alone, leaving the door open for their future growth and possible reconnection. One has held a grudge against me for 2 years (by her own admission) and she texted me something ugly, once again, showed her true colors. It’s worth it to me to keep the door open because it sets a compassionate example for them to learn from, if they want to. So far, that one is stuck. I have another one who is working on herself and is slowly coming around to better wholeness and it’s a joy to behold. Leading with love, Jesus set the perfect example
My life has never been a circle. Whenever I cut a toxic person off, a better friend comes in to my life. I have experienced it! We don't have to doubt ourselves because we had been treated in a specific way. We don't have to play down to make other people comfortable! But after all mabe it's because of the society I live in, where people compete for survival. Hello from middle east🖐
Ended a real toxic relationship. He hit me, threatened, was always teasing my weight, if I didn’t behave or dress how he wanted he would tease. I did it all for him invested too much time and myself I would go to him and it was my fault because I allowed it. Finally I was done with him I let him think it was his idea for the break up he called me toxic just cause I didn’t allow him to do as he wished. He still wanted to be friends and for my understanding I know I did a lot and I was kind but I did it all he wanted me around as an option to use cause he does have narcissistic qualities. I firmly believe he should go to jail or worse I pray no one should go through what I’ve been through.
This was powerful. As one who has been purging toxicity for a while now, I can really appreciate this. I have come to think of it in terms of toxic connections.
I think we (especially me) are all toxic in some way. And I think the reason why we're all toxic is because of how we're not educated or even have enough knowledge to build healthy relationships but also because of the human culture in this world. and the culture passes onto us by turning our behaviors in a traditional way but we have the choice to continue to be that way or become a better person.
Like many, I have had to drop friends (and extended family) during the course of the last four years. Sadly, we do not share the same basic values... and that has become a deal-breaker. It is incredibly liberating.
It also depends on the situation and to what degree a person offends or hurts you and vis-versa if done with evil intent or not, etc. Some people are able to forgive and others not. The answer usually lies within you IMO.
If we do not have weight and heavy lifting on our relational bar, how will we ever have strong relational muscles? Beware of a culture led by those who are promoting self- centredness and scapegoating who ever doesn't align with the expectations. Thanks for this, Mel. Powerful advice.
Mel, how do you "unfriend" a parent 😧...? I don't know what to do with my dad anymore. I think and feel he truly is a manipulative person. And he refuses to change. I've asked him politely a thousand times to stop behaving this way. I'm hurt, my siblings are hurt, but they have to live with him and mum...
That's my predicament, my dad is settled in his ways and behaviors that will hurt my children emotionally. I've already witnessed his actions on a particular topic with a family friend. Now the family friend is no longer part of the family and I'm terrified he will act the same towards my child, his grandson. A lot of hypocrisy that comes in dealing with my dad and I've given him that chance, but it just all turns to I'm going to hell and I won't be saved. (Father is a pastor)
If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way. Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother.
@@vanessabranch1631 If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way. Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother. Protect your kids of course but don't hate your father.
No contact. I ask you to consider studying narcissistic abuse. If ceasing contact and communication isn't possible.. grey rock technique. Boundaries.. as in learn how to establish and maintain them. My mother is covert narcissistic.. I'm 46, almost 22 years married.. Mom torments my wife and kids, too. It is a tough struggle, and it may be yours, but it's worth the journey, to heal and overcome.
People call toxic those people who criticise them. That what my opinion on this topic was. I still have a very strong feeling that ppl call toxic those who just have a different opinion and dont stay silent when others do things that hurt. The most toxic ppl are using this phrase to blame others, cuz obviously the one who blames others of being toxic cant be actually the most toxic one. Thx for the video.
She is the best n I have lost words how much to thank her for all the facts she delivers n it has change how many people including me. Keep up the good work.
Malignant Cluster Bs often use tactics to illicit worry and concern for them to keep a target of abuse invested and present in their lives. This is terrible advice to give in a blanket form this way Mel.
Dear Mel, have you ever heard about narcissism? If you truly knew about it, you'd be more careful with this type of advice. As a matter of fact ,your advice is great when dealing with decent people. And so this should be stated. This doesn't work with narcissists though. Can you see someone who's suffering narcissistic abuse and dealing with it taking this advice? There are a lot of people like that because there are a lot of narcissists. Do you see how this kind of advice when generalized like that is harmful?
@Jurgita Yes by experience this advice is actually meant for victims of narcissistic abuse and this makes so much sense when you get to a point in your healing journey where you recognize that the abuse made you so sensitive that you cut off people ( even decent) ones for the least humanly mistake ) . I’m glad I’m currently repairing some relationships I marred in my state of confusion because now I can easily distinguish a toxic/narcissistic people from decent human beings who can also make mistakes just like me. I’m so sorry if your life has been touched by these evil personalities. It’s very devastating and I wish you well in your quest for healing and peace. 🙏🏾
Well, gotta agree that if you're cutting people out of your life simply because they're 'annoying,' then they probably aren't the problem. But, toxic people are not simply 'negative' or 'annoying.' They're destructive. And there's no amount of self reflection you can do that will change them.
Great video! I’ve found I don’t need to cut people out of my life, even the ones who don’t change. I just need to stop giving them the power to trigger me. So much more freedom and peace and it leaves the door open in the future for a great relationship, which has happened.
I don't think toxic people watch this because they don't like criticism, so its usually a person who is on a self development path watching and part of self love is to protect themselves first from people trying to waste their time with unnecessary drama
Giving idle response is the best counter to a toxic person during a confrontation. 💜 ...and the realization that there is something you need to change in you, in order to break that pattern of toxic relationship/friendship. That's what I'm working on right now ☺
And know the difference between a trigger from a past wound and a trigger because someone is not respecting you after you have communicated a need clearly. 🙏
Mel you are the real deal. Plus I have so much In common with you. My parents owned a business and I work in television. I have toxic people in my life I can’t get rid of easily because they are parents, coworkers and family members.
It seems like we live a world were mean and inconsiderate people get a pass for their behavior. Lets forgive them a thousand times, while some of them will continue to cause you pain. Only the victims have to examine themselves to make sure that they are not the problem or the reason why the person is being demonic to him or her. Lets continue to make excuses for these evil doers and see if the world becomes a better place to live in.
Mel, you are awesome. I have learned so much from your videos and pissed that ch-11 extended their news from 4am-11am. Ridiculous to hear that much crap. I loved your show followed up by Maury. I have your podcast on spotify. Thank you so much. 😊
Dude, real life and internet are same. Behind every name there is a person. even in the internet. It does not hurt that much when a stranger is unfriending you but it still hurts.
Wow, I'm learning so much from her. I used to try to catch your show when I wasn't working but now that I'm back to work, couldn't watch it anymore. I'm so glad she's out here now.
I don't think that this suits every situation. For example, I get resentful when I think of a particular relative who laughs at my lack of friends, critiques everything that I wear, tells me to not have any piece of junk food or I'll 'end up like I used to be', and laughs at my face whenever I express that I get hurt by those words. Sure, I could 'ignore it', and realize that what she says isn't true, but I HIGHLY disagree when you said that I need to solve this or else it will show up in future relationships. Because, no normal friend should be tearing me a part like that. Ever. It shouldn't happen to anyone. Critique should be constructive, not to tear someone down so that you feel better about your own insecurities. We should not allow others to bring us down just so they can bring themselves up.
Thank Mel...Robbins.. u are definitely an inspiration.. thank u for ur amazing wisdom..n passing this... useful way...on how to deal with Toxic people..Thank u.. 😊🤗😀
When you try & discuss the issues & the person just get mad & nothing changes or they deliberately & defiantly act WORSE ( for MANY YEARS) Since I feel my sanity is line, all I say is CUT N RUN...
I confronted my roommate that she has been controlling and dominant in places where she shouldn't have been. She inflicted her pain on me and blamed me for being absent as her friend when she pushed me away and was rude to me. I sat down and told her that such behaviour can be toxic to a friendship and it made me distance myself from her. And that it was difficult for me to process things when she acted out on others while suffering from her own emotional baggage and made them feel down during stressful times. Now she says that I called her toxic and that I don't want to be friends with someone who has emotional baggage
I went No Contact with an ex three months ago. Broke up with her back in february. We tried staying friends, but she just kept trying to push my buttons, didn't wanna hear about my problems (while I had to hear all about hers) etc. I cared for her deeply and really wanted her to be happy - but the way she treated me after the break-up, talking about her dating life, sending me confusing near nudes, talking trash about me to my face, I just could be in it. I suspect she was a narcisist, I just realized too late, after a lot of damage had been done to me mentally. Now I am trying to collect all the pieces of myself.
I’ve unfriended my childhood pals... got tired of always being the one reaching out,sometimes without response. When my dad passed away this year, they showed up. I felt like they came because they had to rather than wanting to... I also lost my uncle shortly after and had to put both my dogs down without any concern from them. for me, that was the end. Working on finding new people and avenues. Biggest issue, working 2nd shift... I’m so alone right now. Wife, 2 kids I should be happy to be alive but I’m not. God this sucks right now
Thanks Mel, I think I needed to hear this today. There's atleast one close family member I need to have a conversation with before the end of the month.
This is NOT at all like Mel's older talks, which I really like. I disagree with most of this one, including the term "unfriend" for "non-virtual" friendships, and her gesture of pressing an unfriend button. Guess what? Real people communicate😱. Yes indeed!! The C word is missing from this presentation. Communication, as a friend once told me, is key. And, doing it while keeping your emotions in check, enough so that the other person understands you, is an art and a science. Healthy communication is key in almost any relationship, and without it, life can feel alienating and painfully devoid of humanness.
Thank you for this great advise. I think is important to reflect before taking action, but emotions can sometimes take over. Is a great reminder to press pause before taking any action.
You know, I would always go “What should I self-reflect on and learn from this relationship?” Like obsessively. In all honesty when you do it too much you probably don’t feel lovable. And when you don’t feel lovable and always see the negative in yourself - your more likely to see the negatives in others and be less forgiving. So do reflect on yourself and others. Do self-love and see the good in others. And do realize at times sometimes you aren’t the problem and others need to self-reflect more. It’s a balancing act.
Reciprocate.........or bye bye. People in your life should expand you......learn, grow and evolve.........not make you “less than” you were before you met them.
The more I think about this one the more I agree with some of these comments that this is possibly harmful advice in certain circumstances. It seems to be approaching the old reproach, “Oh c’mon, be the bigger person” I think this is good advice for small annoyances, things that trigger you because you probably possess some of these same qualities yourself. For issues of repeated harmful, hostile, aggressive belittling behavior there is sometimes a great need to make other choices about who you surround yourself with and put your energy towards. And usually, you also understand when trying to communicate brings no results and more frustration and hopelessness. Choose yourself and move on. The more self aware we are helps us to understand the difference in checking in or checking out.
What if you're toxic to someone and the moment you realise that you're toxic to them, they already left. What to do next if you cant forget the person, what to do if he/she is only person you loved so much and you miss him/her all day but they are happy precisely happiest without you. What to do with guilt which is killing you from inside.
I agree that we get triggered too but a video like this could make someone feel guilty for decluttering friends and family members that have been verbally abusive towards them. There are a lot of toxic people because we live in a society that encourages narcissism, selfishness, and disrespect. It’s the culture that needs to heal.
These are the values society encourages. Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple." - Jesus Luke 12:51 "Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division." - Jesus "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." - Buddha And here are the values society discourages. "One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns and derives from love. A 'selfless,' 'disinterested' love is a contradiction in terms: it means that one is indifferent to that which one values. Concern for the welfare of those one loves is a rational part of one’s selfish interests. If a man who is passionately in love with his wife spends a fortune to cure her of a dangerous illness, it would be absurd to claim that he does it as a 'sacrifice' for her sake, not his own, and that it makes no difference to him, personally and selfishly, whether she lives or dies." - Ayn Rand Now I ask you is selfishness really the problem?
Lovely video, but unfortunately this won’t work if other person is not willing to take responsibility & accept his/her part..relationships can be healed only when both parties wants it.. otherwise it’s better let go...and heal that part which resonated with their toxicity..(especially if you are dealing with nars..)
I’m tired of trying to put my best foot forward even when depressed and going through hard seasons. I’m over it whoever wants to leave can leave. I’m over drained energy.
I had family members pass and I was grieving... People I thought were my friends suddenly treated me like I was negative even though it was just a few months not a long period of negativity. It was not me I was not negative, they just were not real friends.
"Toxic" is starting to lose it's meaning. When I hear someone talking about "toxic" people these days, they're probably talking about people who have different opinions, make different life choices, or hold them accountable for their actions and their statements.
The importance of self reflection in difficult relationships is important, but not all situations can have a happy ending.
Yes 😵💔😪
💯❤️
Have to be careful with this one bc everyone’s situation is different. Being “annoyed“ is one thing but flat out and repeated betrayal and smack talk behind ones back is another thing again. THAT is toxic.
Exactly, when abuse is involved I don't think you can grow by remaining in it and letting them violate your boundaries x
She, she forgot to. place the contrasts and dfferences.
She said it's OK to unfriend family backstabbers, etc. But, every case is a bit different and the consequences of our action/ inaction need to be considered.
Exactly! This is what it really means to be toxic. Abusing ppl is completely different from annoying people. Bullying, threatening your life, fighting, and constant putdowns and lying are all forms of being a truly toxic person.
The truth is everyone has bad days and struggles with so much but nobody is willing to talk or listen to any of that...everyone is stuck in their sunshines and rainbows and the minute you snap someone into reality you're labeled as "negative" or "toxic".
@@MagickalMermaid Thats so true- if I snap Spotlights on me like what’s the matter with you it’s like their idea of emotionally controlling someone else simply through words its a trap
I cut ties with my mother 10 years ago. She is toxic, manipulating and has narcissistic tendencies. It was completely the right decision for me with regards to my own mental health.
Rachel Gully,So sad to hear that your Mom is that way!
Me too...since 2010
My only question with instances like this is if you know she's all these things why can't you be around her when you know what to expect. For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your mom grew up around to make her that way.
Good on you. 👏👏 Sometimes we have to let some people go. Even if it is a family member. Some people can truly drain your energy. I just called them "mental vampire".
Good in you. I’m still dealing with her.
And sometimes, you DO have to unfriend in real life when you DO point out the behavior and they keep doing it. My peace is way more important than a friend who does not respect the friendship after trying to communicate with them.
Bam! Precisely.
that happened in my life I kindly pointed out their offensive behavior over and over till I had enuff and walked
@@gaylynnsamson5569 I've done the same. After a while it's just not worth the energy it takes.
This.
Honest question. Was friends with someone and I spoke how I keep kindness around me because I grew up with abuse and I won’t be cursed at or belittled (getting mad is one thing but personally attacking is another) and then one day she “didn’t feel good and was stressed” and cussed at me multiple times and wouldn’t let me drive when it wasn’t medically safe for her to and I was terrified. when I brought up that she hurt me and She knows I’m not ok with what she did and the only time she said the word sorry was 10 mins after by walking up hugging me without my consent and said it and walked away without me being able to respond and when I wanted to talk about it after that when she pretended like nothing happened she attacked me in numerous ways because I brought it up. That’s valid to cut off right?
I stopped talking to my sisters and brothers for more than 10 years because they were not my friends but constantly lord over me and told me how I don’t mount up to anything. During the years alone I felt so happy and improved myself. Now we talked again and they realised how much I have transformed and they respect me. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
I wish I had your strenght..
Sometimes cutting someone out is the best way. A sad reality, however I always try to self-reflect on my own behaviors to see what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes ur biggest mistake is tolerating toxicity. I know it was for me.
I feel like we shouldn’t only talk about how to deal with „toxic“ people but we should also look at ourselves and try to be less toxic because it isn’t always the other person, sometimes we are the toxic one.
i do agree with you -Sometimes the So Called Toxic person is our Reflection
100% agree.
Take guts to accept it. And a lot of awareness to peep in ourselves in the first place
agreed!
What if i am not toxic at all?
Don’t stay where you are not wanted in the name of you don’t want to be alone,being in the circle of toxic people can be killing you gradually
However, if you never get anything back it's time to let go.
Generally people become toxic when they didn't get what they expect from people......
I got a good piece of advice from my therapist once: before you say something ask yourself 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? Good thing to remember
M.C. Blackwell I love this one x
but some people just want so much? trying to use people to the ground and you say no and they become toxic
@@M.C.Blackwell the most people are doing this afterwards...
@@M.C.Blackwell how did you get to practice yourself this?or did you any get any good result on the same?
Wonderful Mel 🙌. The phrase ‘toxic person’ is being branded about constantly these days. It’s too easy to hit the ‘block’ button rather than giving it some thought and turning the attention onto ourselves. I spoke up in a workshop that had booklets labelling people ‘energy vampires’ etc. Friendships are not easy to come by and our friends may be going through hard times and in need of support rather than rejection.
People that you spend time with will surely make or break you...
This is very good advise. Because our future has been changed by young people just dumping family and friends . It's possible our future will be no family or community. Thanks
My name is Amol, from India. And in my experience, people becomes toxic towards you when 1. You are making progress, going ahead in life, earning more. 2. When you are below them financially at beginning but now going ahead of them. 3. You are not giving attention to them they deserve (because they are self-pity). 4. You are not gossiping with them about other people. 5. You are making new friends. 6. You dont allow them to make fun of you. 7. They never heard about "mind your own business" and your life has become their life now. 8. You are not picking their calls in 5 seconds (cause you are busy in household work) 9. Their life sucks. 10. And last but not the least, they prefer sugarcoated lie instead of unpleasant truth.
Wow! Straightforward and honest.
Found this by accident while scrolling, bored in hospital with a MS relapse, and am so glad I did!
This topic has been on my find for the past month. Bless you.
Omg!!! Thank you for this. This is what I've exerperienced since this toxic stuff was flung. The funniest part is, they're usually toxic aiming at those that have their own opinions, and calling those strong minded or opinionated toxic. Just because they want it all their way or the highway. Thank you.
Hey Mel, I wanted to thank you for making a video like this. You're 100% right. Everyone and their mother is talking about how we need to cut people out of our lives as if a human life is something we could so easily cancel. Where is the love in that?. My respect for you has just gone through the roof. Once again you deliver the truth in spectacular clarity
Sometimes “unfriend” isn’t possible, especially when that person comes in a package with someone you do care about and want to have a relationship with. At that point it’ll come down to minimising their negative impact
Set boundaries...it will sometimes require you to do the unthinkable like stand up for yourself and speak out more vs. keeping shit in.
Omg I've been waiting for someone to address this the right way🙏 the toxicity may not be the other person but a bad situation!
What if that it repeats even if there is no situation, then, what should we do?
Mel, if you read comments, I just want to say, PLEASE do more videos on this topic! The struggle is real! In regard to whether or not someone is toxic, I am inclined to judge that based on patterns. We all have days when we may act toxic, and for SURE, we all need some extra kindness from our friends on our bad days. But whether someone deserves to be labeled as toxic has to do with whether it is a pattern you see repeatedly with them. It really takes alot of abuse for me to be willing to end a friendship, but when someone is continually disrespectful and manipulative, and I have enough history with the person to the point I've realized there is a long-standing pattern of toxic behavior and not just a rough patch here or there, then I know the problem is not me. I've had a few friendships where I realized that this was the case, and that every time I tried to smooth things over and let something hurtful go, I was only prolonging my own misery because they have a pattern of being toxic. Unfortunately, it takes time to figure out whether certain behavior is someone's pattern or just a rough patch...
This pandemic changed my life. I lost my job, I was lost, then I started this RUclips channel and I'm slowly growing. And it totally changed my life already. If you're watching this, you'll get there at the top one day. Don't give up.
I am a producer. Thanks for the hope. How much are you making and what is your channel about.
Good for you. Hope God bless you 🙏
This message could be dangerous advice to someone who is being manipulated and abused in a relationship.
Someone being abused usually isn't aware they are. They usually carry the blame and shame of the relationship's troubles. They are confused and vulnerable. Encouraging them to fight further for the relationship or to "self reflect"..only keeps them in the cycle of the abuse.
thank you.
@@ute3349 its crazy because even if you know , those kind of videos can easily retriggers you wondering if you did the right thing
I totally agree
Yes! It is important to address the situation directly. It's very easy to make assumptions, but we never really no what is going on behind closed doors. Getting to the root of the problem and looking within is key. This video is invaluable!
Yes well said.
Juan Seaforth 🙏♥️
Nothing works with narcissists. No kindness or empathy. Just pure evil.
I dont agree. I feel like this needs to be approached with caution. In my situation the toxic person was verbally abusive and neglecting my basic needs. When they start damaging you and taking away your light it’s time to walk away. You can’t be there for someone who abuses you and DOESNT want to change. Put yourself first always.
Wow. This is an amazing message, Mel. I’ve struggled so much with toxic people, and it causes me so much distress and depression that I don’t even understand why. It’s good to take a step back and reflect, this way you build a better and stronger character.
Its a fantastic and a responsible advice Mel. I loved it. In today's world people are so triggered by their own emotions and boundaries that everything that comes for their good they take it as if it's hitting their weak spot even when it's in good taste. People have learned this word 'toxic person' , 'toxicity' have to be cut out, but what about questioning self if I am really the reason the other person became toxic. I am a firm believer that good person are understood may be a little late, but they are understood.
Agree with this to a certain point, but there exists different levels of toxicity; from mildly toxic, to some people that are so toxic (eg. full blown narcissists/ sociopaths) that it can be to the point of them being dangerous. If someone is mildly annoying, but I know they have a good heart, I will keep them in my life, but if they are cruel, abusive, mean, or continually push over my boundaries, then I will distance myself from them; my emotional well being is worth too much.
black cats good or bad omen according to you?^^
@@Noemie291 Black cats are awesome....an absolutely good omen
@@psychicdevelopmentexercise cool :) one crossed my path but was kind of afraid of me when I tend my hand to caress him ahah
I agree with you completely. If someone is intentionally hurtful towards you because that is what they need to feel good about themselves, that goes beyond annoying. We all have quirks and flaws. That is annoying but often many things are tolerable and we should have patience for one another. Cruelty should not be tolerated or overlooked. It’s a burning house--get out!
Deep that was deep very deep, makes me want to reed the Bible and go even deeper because the resentment of someone goes far deeper than just emotions and triggering, it's very spiritual aswell.
It isn't so much of the other person being toxic it's our own denial of not wanting to accept our own bad behavior. ""There's always something going on with Self"!!!! Powerful message
Had a long term friend, been on off over 45 years. This time I know it's gone, no phone call needed. 7 months on I've grown so much, on a spiritual journey. Didn't realize how toxic the relationship had become despite having had conversations about the content. Big weight gone. No guilt. Good advice though re looking at oneself.
Sometimes, it's just time to let that person go. Disagree with the basic message.
💯
Personally, the people in my life that found ANY chance to call basically EVERYONE they ran into toxic or annoying...they themselves were some of the MOST toxic, shallow, and closed-minded people. Those are the people that lacked empathy compared to everyone around them. Those are the people who others kept getting mad at, not for no reason, but because they wouldn't stop talking sh*t. Those were the people that would ghost or leave or not give a chance to the people that were closest or kindest to them. If someone leaves you cold and you don't understand why or you did nothing wrong, realize that it probably had nothing to do with you. They most likely had too many internal issues they couldn't deal with and also guilt from all the times they hurt you that they didn't wanna admit to. We don't always leave toxic ppl; sometimes they leave us because they can't handle kindness, empathy, and vulnerability. They're basically allergic to those things, until they learn how to introspect and grow as a human being. So let them leave you, and if they choose to come back, don't let them until they've really really really proven they've changed. And if you get the chance, say you're piece while they're leaving in the most rational way possible. Tell them why they hurt you and if they don't answer back or say sorry, leave it at that but know that you did nothing wrong.
Thank you! Being introspective is so important.
Spot on as always Mel! I check in and I rarely unfriend or block etc. However, if I find I’m always the one checking in, I distance myself/step back. No drama. Just, ok, I see what this is and I’m only going to want what wants me. I’m only going to pursue what pursues me. It’s hard to do but it’s the only way I’ve found peace with it...
I can really relate to what you are saying. BOTH people need to be invested in a relationship for that relationship to weather a difficult time and repair damage or mistrust. It can’t just be one side doing all the heavy lifting. If both sides don’t feel value in one another, it is sometimes better to move on, hopefully not with anger or resentment but just the final acknowledgment that something that didn’t feel right, sometimes for years or decades, wasn’t right. Sometimes our own self awareness and the better we come to understand ourselves can make it hard to pretend anymore. You can try and try to discuss something with someone and it’s just not going to make a dent. Some people are not reflective about themselves. Stop beating the dead horse. I think in our hearts we know when it’s time to wish them well and move on.
This is dangerous advice for people caught in narcissistic relationships
I am “so glad” , that SOMEONE FINALLY STEPPED UP , to shed light of a “different perspective “ on this subject. It seems so many people are on the toxic, cut people out of their lives , band wagon. It’s so sad. We all go through highs and lows in life. Everyone is not a narcissistic toxic person. Sometimes people do need a little more at one time or other, or loose their way. Sometimes people experience droughts in their lives. Things can go very wrong for people sometimes that can bring about questionable behavior. Sometimes we need to weather the storms with them. A little, patience, understanding and forgiveness are the true attributes of remembering that we are all just human beings trying to make our way through. None are perfect, especially all of the time. I don’t think this message is in reference to someone who is truly being abused. Abuse should never be tolerated. I think this message hits home to bring awareness that we should be careful how we evaluate people and judge them. Not to be to quick. To realize that there are exceptions to the rule that do require a little more reflection. Everyone’s situation can be different. I think this is an important cautionary bit of advice to help all of us to be more Careful when discerning our relationships. To not only, as she stated, to look at them, but to also look inside ourselves. There are truly those that are clearly messed up an unchanging and you should avoid. However, there are cases that should require a closer look. It all depends on circumstances I guess.
@@merrisss No one is disputing anyone’s right to chose . I’m just saying that I am glad someone is taking a different look at this.
It’s worth trying to figure out what the real problem is. 9/10, it can be sorted and true, it’s a learning curve. But... when you the situation doesn’t change... move on.
Great advice!! Reminded me of a great friend's advice 30 yrs ago: Just about everyone you interact/communicate with reflects something about your past, present or future/potential self. Those who annoy or anger us most sometimes reflect a past or present quality we're not fond of within ourselves. So, yeah, excellent idea to go within and do a little soul searching about why that person pushes your buttons... no doubt that search will reveal new perspectives/understanding of that person. ☯️🐬☮️
Love this message! I never felt comfortable just cutting off family and friends. So important to examine our thoughts and feelings and learn from why we feel the way that we do and learn to be more empathetic.
Just had this moment yesterday when I realized how subconsciously ungrateful I was during this pandemic. I hated this, I hated that, but when I got reminded how other people live nowadays, I still have a better situation. No, I'm not taking other people's sufferings as a way to feel good, it just brings a better perspective.
I admitted to myself I was a complainer (the toxic one) and it was also hard to accept that. Self-shaming came in, it was uncomfortable, but then I said to myself "This is the time I should realize this, it's okay and now I'm aware, I will do better." It calmed me down.
The time we are in is different, people are more bothered, need jobs, food on the table, their life back. For those who still have resources, be grateful, and do your best to help others by not complaining, but be a part of the solution.
I usually listen to you and think and feel "yeaahh, she is suuuch a smart and lovely woman". Thank you for you egsistance and you job Mel !! Love.
I’ve “checked in” for years now and it’s why I’m still sane. The irony is that the more we grow, the less “old” friends we may have. That is because TRUE friends, who accept you for having boundaries and limits and respect them and stick around. Instead of unfriending (the old friends) or having a toe to toe or ugly showdown, I leave them alone, leaving the door open for their future growth and possible reconnection. One has held a grudge against me for 2 years (by her own admission) and she texted me something ugly, once again, showed her true colors.
It’s worth it to me to keep the door open because it sets a compassionate example for them to learn from, if they want to. So far, that one is stuck.
I have another one who is working on herself and is slowly coming around to better wholeness and it’s a joy to behold. Leading with love, Jesus set the perfect example
Goodness this is so direct, short but POWERFUL! Thank you so much!
My life has never been a circle. Whenever I cut a toxic person off, a better friend comes in to my life. I have experienced it!
We don't have to doubt ourselves because we had been treated in a specific way. We don't have to play down to make other people comfortable!
But after all mabe it's because of the society I live in, where people compete for survival. Hello from middle east🖐
Ended a real toxic relationship. He hit me, threatened, was always teasing my weight, if I didn’t behave or dress how he wanted he would tease. I did it all for him invested too much time and myself I would go to him and it was my fault because I allowed it. Finally I was done with him I let him think it was his idea for the break up he called me toxic just cause I didn’t allow him to do as he wished. He still wanted to be friends and for my understanding I know I did a lot and I was kind but I did it all he wanted me around as an option to use cause he does have narcissistic qualities. I firmly believe he should go to jail or worse I pray no one should go through what I’ve been through.
Everyone we meet in life will either be a Blessing or a Lesson 🖖
Thats very meaningful.
Hmm, I seem to have about 20% blessings and 80% lessons....
I took all classes twice, believe me , now i want the blessing
My dad always said....”people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
There is also excessive emotion when dealing with a family member.
This was powerful. As one who has been purging toxicity for a while now, I can really appreciate this. I have come to think of it in terms of toxic connections.
deborah williford,you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀 to be with a narc 🙄!
I think we (especially me) are all toxic in some way. And I think the reason why we're all toxic is because of how we're not educated or even have enough knowledge to build healthy relationships but also because of the human culture in this world. and the culture passes onto us by turning our behaviors in a traditional way but we have the choice to continue to be that way or become a better person.
Mel: Trigger is always an opportunity to heal something.. That hit hard❤
To heal your triggers is to not take things personally all the time...tell yourself that behaviour which triggers you reflect them not you
Like many, I have had to drop friends (and extended family) during the course of the last four years. Sadly, we do not share the same basic values... and that has become a deal-breaker. It is incredibly liberating.
The timing of this video coming into my life is unreal. Thx Mel
It also depends on the situation and to what degree a person offends or hurts you and vis-versa if done with evil intent or not, etc. Some people are able to forgive and others not. The answer usually lies within you IMO.
You are changing lives, Mel Robbins.
If we do not have weight and heavy lifting on our relational bar, how will we ever have strong relational muscles? Beware of a culture led by those who are promoting self- centredness and scapegoating who ever doesn't align with the expectations. Thanks for this, Mel. Powerful advice.
Mel, how do you "unfriend" a parent 😧...?
I don't know what to do with my dad anymore. I think and feel he truly is a manipulative person. And he refuses to change. I've asked him politely a thousand times to stop behaving this way. I'm hurt, my siblings are hurt, but they have to live with him and mum...
That's my predicament, my dad is settled in his ways and behaviors that will hurt my children emotionally. I've already witnessed his actions on a particular topic with a family friend. Now the family friend is no longer part of the family and I'm terrified he will act the same towards my child, his grandson. A lot of hypocrisy that comes in dealing with my dad and I've given him that chance, but it just all turns to I'm going to hell and I won't be saved. (Father is a pastor)
If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way.
Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother.
@@vanessabranch1631 If you know they are all these things why can't you be around them when you know what to expect? For example my sister is a spoiled brat, who thinks the world revolves around her. It could be annoying but I know that about her so when she's around I humble myself and let the world revolve around her... as long as a person isn't physically harming you I think you should try to let love cover the bull. There's so many things that happen to people that we aren't aware of. God knows what your parents grew up around to make them that way.
Without them you literally would not exist. More importantly Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and mother.
Protect your kids of course but don't hate your father.
No contact. I ask you to consider studying narcissistic abuse. If ceasing contact and communication isn't possible.. grey rock technique. Boundaries.. as in learn how to establish and maintain them. My mother is covert narcissistic.. I'm 46, almost 22 years married.. Mom torments my wife and kids, too. It is a tough struggle, and it may be yours, but it's worth the journey, to heal and overcome.
People call toxic those people who criticise them. That what my opinion on this topic was. I still have a very strong feeling that ppl call toxic those who just have a different opinion and dont stay silent when others do things that hurt. The most toxic ppl are using this phrase to blame others, cuz obviously the one who blames others of being toxic cant be actually the most toxic one. Thx for the video.
She is the best n I have lost words how much to thank her for all the facts she delivers n it has change how many people including me. Keep up the good work.
Malignant Cluster Bs often use tactics to illicit worry and concern for them to keep a target of abuse invested and present in their lives.
This is terrible advice to give in a blanket form this way Mel.
Dear Mel, have you ever heard about narcissism?
If you truly knew about it, you'd be more careful with this type of advice. As a matter of fact ,your advice is great when dealing with decent people. And so this should be stated. This doesn't work with narcissists though. Can you see someone who's suffering narcissistic abuse and dealing with it taking this advice? There are a lot of people like that because there are a lot of narcissists. Do you see how this kind of advice when generalized like that is harmful?
I think the advice also works with narcissistic people.
@Jurgita Yes by experience this advice is actually meant for victims of narcissistic abuse and this makes so much sense when you get to a point in your healing journey where you recognize that the abuse made you so sensitive that you cut off people ( even decent) ones for the least humanly mistake ) . I’m glad I’m currently repairing some relationships I marred in my state of confusion because now I can easily distinguish a toxic/narcissistic people from decent human beings who can also make mistakes just like me.
I’m so sorry if your life has been touched by these evil personalities. It’s very devastating and I wish you well in your quest for healing and peace. 🙏🏾
I agree with you on that comment. 🙏🏽
Well, gotta agree that if you're cutting people out of your life simply because they're 'annoying,' then they probably aren't the problem. But, toxic people are not simply 'negative' or 'annoying.' They're destructive. And there's no amount of self reflection you can do that will change them.
So appreciate your straight forwardness.
Great video! I’ve found I don’t need to cut people out of my life, even the ones who don’t change. I just need to stop giving them the power to trigger me. So much more freedom and peace and it leaves the door open in the future for a great relationship, which has happened.
Laura Hanson,you are too precious 🌹 🌹🌷 🌷🥀 to be with a narc 🙄!
I don't think toxic people watch this because they don't like criticism, so its usually a person who is on a self development path watching and part of self love is to protect themselves first from people trying to waste their time with unnecessary drama
Giving idle response is the best counter to a toxic person during a confrontation. 💜
...and the realization that there is something you need to change in you, in order to break that pattern of toxic relationship/friendship.
That's what I'm working on right now ☺
And know the difference between a trigger from a past wound and a trigger because someone is not respecting you after you have communicated a need clearly. 🙏
Mel you are the real deal. Plus I have so much In common with you. My parents owned a business and I work in television. I have toxic people in my life I can’t get rid of easily because they are parents, coworkers and family members.
It seems like we live a world were mean and inconsiderate people get a pass for their behavior. Lets forgive them a thousand times, while some of them will continue to cause you pain. Only the victims have to examine themselves to make sure that they are not the problem or the reason why the person is being demonic to him or her. Lets continue to make excuses for these evil doers and see if the world becomes a better place to live in.
Mel, you are awesome. I have learned so much from your videos and pissed that ch-11 extended their news from 4am-11am. Ridiculous to hear that much crap. I loved your show followed up by Maury. I have your podcast on spotify. Thank you so much. 😊
Thank you so very much for making relevant points!!! As in - It's so obvious when you say it out loud.
Ohhh my God! This is so true! Actually, I like the idea to reflect on my friendship! Thank you, Mel !
I feel this way with everyone of my mother's care taker. We only have 1 at a time. But each one always has something that drive me crazy.
Dude, real life and internet are same. Behind every name there is a person. even in the internet. It does not hurt that much when a stranger is unfriending you but it still hurts.
Wow, I'm learning so much from her. I used to try to catch your show when I wasn't working but now that I'm back to work, couldn't watch it anymore. I'm so glad she's out here now.
I don't think that this suits every situation. For example, I get resentful when I think of a particular relative who laughs at my lack of friends, critiques everything that I wear, tells me to not have any piece of junk food or I'll 'end up like I used to be', and laughs at my face whenever I express that I get hurt by those words. Sure, I could 'ignore it', and realize that what she says isn't true, but I HIGHLY disagree when you said that I need to solve this or else it will show up in future relationships. Because, no normal friend should be tearing me a part like that. Ever. It shouldn't happen to anyone. Critique should be constructive, not to tear someone down so that you feel better about your own insecurities. We should not allow others to bring us down just so they can bring themselves up.
Thank Mel...Robbins.. u are definitely an inspiration.. thank u for ur amazing wisdom..n passing this... useful way...on how to deal with Toxic people..Thank u.. 😊🤗😀
This was amazing Mel
When you try & discuss the issues & the person just get mad & nothing changes or they deliberately & defiantly act WORSE ( for MANY YEARS) Since I feel my sanity is line, all I say is
CUT N RUN...
I confronted my roommate that she has been controlling and dominant in places where she shouldn't have been. She inflicted her pain on me and blamed me for being absent as her friend when she pushed me away and was rude to me. I sat down and told her that such behaviour can be toxic to a friendship and it made me distance myself from her. And that it was difficult for me to process things when she acted out on others while suffering from her own emotional baggage and made them feel down during stressful times.
Now she says that I called her toxic and that I don't want to be friends with someone who has emotional baggage
I went No Contact with an ex three months ago. Broke up with her back in february. We tried staying friends, but she just kept trying to push my buttons, didn't wanna hear about my problems (while I had to hear all about hers) etc. I cared for her deeply and really wanted her to be happy - but the way she treated me after the break-up, talking about her dating life, sending me confusing near nudes, talking trash about me to my face, I just could be in it. I suspect she was a narcisist, I just realized too late, after a lot of damage had been done to me mentally. Now I am trying to collect all the pieces of myself.
I’ve unfriended my childhood pals... got tired of always being the one reaching out,sometimes without response. When my dad passed away this year, they showed up. I felt like they came because they had to rather than wanting to... I also lost my uncle shortly after and had to put both my dogs down without any concern from them. for me, that was the end. Working on finding new people and avenues. Biggest issue, working 2nd shift... I’m so alone right now. Wife, 2 kids I should be happy to be alive but I’m not. God this sucks right now
Thanks Mel, I think I needed to hear this today. There's atleast one close family member I need to have a conversation with before the end of the month.
Wow thank you so much for this! I stumbled on this by accident, it's making me rethink alot.
This is NOT at all like Mel's older talks, which I really like. I disagree with most of this one, including the term "unfriend" for "non-virtual" friendships, and her gesture of pressing an unfriend button. Guess what? Real people communicate😱. Yes indeed!! The C word is missing from this presentation. Communication, as a friend once told me, is key. And, doing it while keeping your emotions in check, enough so that the other person understands you, is an art and a science. Healthy communication is key in almost any relationship, and without it, life can feel alienating and painfully devoid of humanness.
Love this, Especially LEAD WITH KINDNESS!! TY, TY,TY!!♥️♥️♥️
I like how you encourage people to try communicating before ending relationships.
Be careful who you open your heart to! You gotta love yourself first❤️
Thank you for this great advise. I think is important to reflect before taking action, but emotions can sometimes take over. Is a great reminder to press pause before taking any action.
You know, I would always go “What should I self-reflect on and learn from this relationship?” Like obsessively. In all honesty when you do it too much you probably don’t feel lovable. And when you don’t feel lovable and always see the negative in yourself - your more likely to see the negatives in others and be less forgiving.
So do reflect on yourself and others. Do self-love and see the good in others. And do realize at times sometimes you aren’t the problem and others need to self-reflect more. It’s a balancing act.
Reciprocate.........or bye bye. People in your life should expand you......learn, grow and evolve.........not make you “less than” you were before you met them.
The more I think about this one the more I agree with some of these comments that this is possibly harmful advice in certain circumstances. It seems to be approaching the old reproach, “Oh c’mon, be the bigger person”
I think this is good advice for small annoyances, things that trigger you because you probably possess some of these same qualities yourself.
For issues of repeated harmful, hostile, aggressive belittling behavior there is sometimes a great need to make other choices about who you surround yourself with and put your energy towards.
And usually, you also understand when trying to communicate brings no results and more frustration and hopelessness. Choose yourself and move on. The more self aware we are helps us to understand the difference in checking in or checking out.
Thankyou so much for the perfect guidelines! 👏
What if you're toxic to someone and the moment you realise that you're toxic to them, they already left. What to do next if you cant forget the person, what to do if he/she is only person you loved so much and you miss him/her all day but they are happy precisely happiest without you. What to do with guilt which is killing you from inside.
I agree that we get triggered too but a video like this could make someone feel guilty for decluttering friends and family members that have been verbally abusive towards them. There are a lot of toxic people because we live in a society that encourages narcissism, selfishness, and disrespect. It’s the culture that needs to heal.
Right??
These are the values society encourages. Luke 14:26
“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple." - Jesus
Luke 12:51 "Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division." - Jesus
"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." - Buddha
And here are the values society discourages.
"One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns and derives from love.
A 'selfless,' 'disinterested' love is a contradiction in terms: it means that one is indifferent to that which one values.
Concern for the welfare of those one loves is a rational part of one’s selfish interests. If a man who is passionately in love with his wife spends a fortune to cure her of a dangerous illness, it would be absurd to claim that he does it as a 'sacrifice' for her sake, not his own, and that it makes no difference to him, personally and selfishly, whether she lives or dies." - Ayn Rand
Now I ask you is selfishness really the problem?
Positive, hilarious, inspiring... that is the exact opposite of my whole family.
A sincere Thank You, thank you so much❣️
Lovely video, but unfortunately this won’t work if other person is not willing to take responsibility & accept his/her part..relationships can be healed only when both parties wants it.. otherwise it’s better let go...and heal that part which resonated with their toxicity..(especially if you are dealing with nars..)
I’m tired of trying to put my best foot forward even when depressed and going through hard seasons. I’m over it whoever wants to leave can leave. I’m over drained energy.
I had family members pass and I was grieving... People I thought were my friends suddenly treated me like I was negative even though it was just a few months not a long period of negativity. It was not me I was not negative, they just were not real friends.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I wish more people understood grief.