Problems With Praise

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Alex Hickey ©2024 / TMON-33 - The Myth of Normal, Chapter 13, Song 8
This song is based on information in Chapter 13 of The Myth of Normal, a book written by Dr. Gabor Maté with Daniel Maté. You can find more information about this book on Dr. Maté's website: drgabormate.co...
I am writing a series of songs in response to the ideas in this book, sometimes in combination with ideas from other books by Dr. Maté and some of his colleagues. These are my interpretations of these ideas. I acknowledge that I can make mistakes, misunderstand and/or take poetic license when transforming these ideas into songs. I welcome questions in the comments section and refer you to the book itself as the final authority about what it is saying.
Lyrics:
Competition requires
Every child to be the same
As every other child -
Only better
If we mostly praise kids
For the things that they achieve
It can create a sense of inner worthlessness
That festers
Chorus:
If we compare kids,
Against their peers & external standards
They will think
That is all that matters
Can we celebrate kids as they are?
Focus on them; make time
To hold each kid holistically,
Body, spirit, heart and mind.
Warm support and encouragement
For the efforts that kids make
Is important nourishment
That they need to grow well.
Each kid has the potential
To be the best at being themselves
It’s misdirection to expect them
To compete with anybody else
Bridge 1:
Judging kids favourably is still judging them
Putting yourself higher on a hierarchy
If you feel entitled to evaluate
They’ll think they have to hustle to be worthy*
Competition is the enemy
Of creativity
Of collaboration
And of pleasure.
It robs kids of their chance to play
Explore, connect and find their way
If they take it all too seriously
‘Cause they know they’re being measured.
Bridge 2:
Beware if what you want from them is to compensate
For what you did not have at that age
Our culture tells us we should all strive for greatness
But sacrificing selfhood breeds anxiety and rage
Chorus
*I believe it was Dr. Brene Brown who coined the phrase "hustling for worthiness" to describe the people-pleasing and overachieving that some people do to cover and protect their shame and vulnerability.
Here are a couple of links to work by Dr. Brene Brown. First, a TED talk with an overview about shame and vulnerability: • The power of vulnerabi... and here is a link to Brene Brown's web site where you can find books, podcasts and more: brenebrown.com/. Also, you might want to watch this sweet little RSA short about blaming: • Brené Brown on Blame .
I couldn't find the clip of Brene talking about creativity and conformity that was a major inspiration for parts of this song. I think it might have been in a podcast that is no longer available - I heard it a BUNCH of years ago. The best that I can remember is that she spoke of how her research showed that at around age 8 kids seem to stop drawing wildly imaginative things and switch to all drawing the same house, with the sun in the corner. Dr. Brown came to the conclusion that they were drawing the same thing because they realized they were being marked or assessed and that drawing the same thing was the only way to measure who was better at drawing. That's when she made the connection that comparison is the enemy of creativity and imagination.
#praise #parenting #brenebrown #gabormate #overachiever

[@michaelhermiston]

hey Alex, a lovely song....a terrific dive into that complex and dynamic world...intrinsic delight at creating or doing or being, is certainly the biggest self pat on the back ...and to show congratulations to a child or anyone as they try to or achieve success certainly must be tempered with awareness of the issues you poetically mention in your song. i know that i sure juggled effusiveness with reflection as Ethan was growing up in showing my 'praise'..... as with your other Maté inspired tunes, your writing is excellent on challenging subjects... as you know such complex tunes are my faves..thanks and hope you are well 🌻🐝🕊🌈💜🎶🌞☮︎😎

[@alexhickeysings]

Thank you very much for listening, Michael, and for your thoughtful response. I can see what a serious task it is for parents to be mindful of their own choices as parents. I agree that creating for creation's sake and being oneself for that joy of that experience is preferable to competing for accolades. I am doing well (better than I have been for some time, in fact). I hope you are doing well yourself. Take care!

[@JannyBeFree]

Oh, gee. So bang on. Geez, you’d think we’d know “comparisons are odious”-but did we ever learn that praise meant comparing? Ouch.

[@alexhickeysings]

Thank you for listening and for your feedback, Mom. I agree that there has been little consideration about the impact of the common use of praise as a reward for behaviour and the implicit message it gives to young people.