Not always. Some toxic people will interpret your silence as green light to continue abuse. This can work in situation where we do not depend on them and when we can leave. It starts to be problem when we cannot leave due to any reason: finances, security, help, third party, obligations, contract, safety etc. Then staying silent is enabling abuse and it is enabling abuser in their abuse. Enabling is the word here. Evil thrives when good men are silent.
This video is so helpful! At the age of 51, I am literally trying to educate myself.... inorder to protect myself from so many toxic and narcissistic people I seem to attract! I need to work on my boundaries and mindfulness. Thankyou Steph 💚❤
Juile Kinsella I'm in my 60s now and I'm still having trouble not reacting! It does take practice though. I've had huge issues with highly narcissistic, or worse, individuals since I was a child as well and wish you all the very best with your recovery. 😊
I was raised in a cult, and I want you to know psychos and other predatory type people TARGET the kind, the generous, and the essentially kind-hearted. So steel your judgement of others, you may have accidentally been being too selfless in the presence of leeches!
Always think b4 you respond/ think. These are horrible/ evil and manipulate monsters, and an emotional response usually will just shoot you in the foot..
Great video. Recognizing the hard truth that toxic people "just do not care" is great advice. Letting go of people who do not care or want to change is essential.
"I matter because I'm able to change your emotional state." YES! This is what my ex-husband does to everyone to boost his ego. Its awful. Oh gosh! "They get a high off of it." OMG you're amazing!
Sweet Jesus....I'm battling undiagnosed health issues for last 3yrs and on top of that, dealing with narcissistic abuse relationship......I NEEDED this this morning
@@itskeagan3004 I am sooooo angry at Dr's and this guy's abusive behavior towards me.....I feel so lost😔 Thank you Jesus I'm still standing....HE'S not done with me yet I know🙏🏼🙏🏼 Thank you for responding ❤
@@itskeagan3004 100% truth. Jesus is the one who leads me to wisdom on how to navigate the “land mines in life.” He also shows me the areas where I need healing inside and out and where I need to humble myself and make changes. He is my filter and source for everything. I know he led me to Stephanie’s channel. 🤍✝️🕊
@@aliciawolff1546 I understand you’re suffering and I’m so sorry that you’re living through this. My heart breaks for those living in turmoil and trauma. I did for 20 years and I nearly died from a 10 year fight with opiate addiction. Thank Jesus I’m 2 years sober and the anger, resentment, depression (diagnosed manic depressive,PTSD, anxiety) were ALL taken away from me. I’ll tell you how. I was desperate in April this year. I had quit drugs, my life was okay but I was so depressed and angry/resentful that it consumed me. I replayed traumatic situations like another addiction asking why it had to be that way, why couldn’t my parents see my pain. The devil was working on me hard and I would have relapsed if I didn’t do SOMETHING. Problem was, I tried everything but seeking God with my whole heart. I got on my knees in my office that day. I started pleading with God HARD. I begged him to take my anger, suffering and brokenness from me. I told Him He could have my heart, that I would surrender my sinful ways and seek Him daily. Next thing I knew I was shaking and crying like a child, I felt SO humbled. BUT more importantly I felt a peace in my heart I’ve NEVER known. He removed my heart of stone, I felt a “shell” break off my encased heart. It was nothing short of God’s Grace and Mercy, He wrapped me in His and poured His Holy Spirit out onto me. I’m sorry for the long response! I just want to share this free love God offers to ALL. I pray that you find peace, I’m praying for you as soon as I finish this comment. God Bless those who follow Him. Thank you too, Shout It!
@@itskeagan3004 I appreciate this message so much, long and ALL lol❤ Thank God my faith is STRONG.....HE is the reason I'm still going THANK YOU JESUS🙏🏼🙏🏼 God BLESS you to keep sharing HOPE & LOVE and pour an UNCONTAINABLE amount of BLESSINGS over your life in JESUS'S MIGHTY NAME AMEN❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼
In a sense yes you are right every single one of us should control our own personal emotions. However with that said, when we bottle things up and the bottle overflows it becomes an ugly sight of drama. Whatever one should do, is to keep yourselves grounded! And choose your battles wisely.
I have always expressed my feelings of hurt to my mum when I've felt hurt by her. She gets all dramatic and it never ends well. Recently I started to keep my feelings to myself and not show her. It works. I deal with my hurt feelings by myself and in the end life always gives me what I need.
Thank you Nicky. I am having a hard time dealing with my Mom. I get so frustrated and angry. I just rather not talk to her at all but she's in her eighties. I need to practice remaining calm.
I know how you feel. Whenever I expressed how her decisions affected my life, she gets defensive, cold and doesn’t take accountability- classic narcissistic traits. I just stopped trying to get her to understand and apologize as it will never happen. I have a very surface level relationship with her.
It's the difference between Taking Action, and Reacting... Tanking Action is about what you decide to do in response... Reacting is about letting them control your response...
That’s the word - practice!!! With my boss who’s a narc i don’t share what’s important or sensitive bcz she’s on the one up so dont open the door. I let her talk about herself & i sometimes share trivial things that don’t matter to me.
work front desk at a big hotel. you will learn quickly give you 2 - 3 months and stuff will slide right off, eventually. maybe more numb to others' nasty, projecting ways. I have to armor up emotionally, daily.
Toxic people always use everything against you that you hate or do not like. My curator said to me today. You are strong. I said thank you. It has not been easy to be stressed out and deal with the past at the same time. I made it through. They say that a person grows most when you go through difficulties. Thank you for you are good empath person. Stephanie you and Aaron, Victor, Andrew, Ramani, Klara, Matthew, and Mantius you are all good empath people.
From my own experience I did succeed to be calm and collective with toxic people and their temper tantrums - and I ended up with people pleasing and fawning - since I would suppress my emotions that would make boundaries. Toxic people see us being calm and not reactive against us - they cross boundaries and they make even more drama, more hysteria, more screaming, more temper tantrums, more accusations, more cursing - they see we do not react - they become more and more aggressive and toxic - and us not reacting we become more pushovers and people pleasers and fawning. I see that I lacked concept called Retort - for example to actually say to this person "I disagree with you". Instead my focus would be to be calm and collective - not to react to their aggression - while in reality not being reactive is still reaction. I would react to their abuse by not reacting - paradoxically this is still reaction. Non-reaction is reaction. And toxic people break norms, they break boundaries and thus they get away with their abuse, we do not hold them accountable for their abuse. This gives them green light to continue abuse. I would cut contact with toxic people - wherever there is no obligation to stay with them. And I would use Retort , healthy functional response to their abuse as way of coping with toxic people - not reacting at all will be taken advantage of and they will react in the same way as if we are directly confronting them. These people are abnormal, they are predators, they do not care for other people, they only want to destroy and eat other people.
This happened to me too. I used to be reactive, then I realized people were using it against me. Then I “overcorrected” by practicing calmness and non response which manifested into people-pleasing. So now I am practicing the enforcement of my boundaries while being mindful of which interactions deserve my energy.
@@xoMrsWentzxo "Can you explain Retort?" Self advocacy - is short answer. Like in a court, when you are being brought to trial and you need a lawyer to present your case. Long answer: I have noticed that when someone is toxic, unreasonable, angry - due to Rejection Sensitivity and Complex Trauma and exposure to criticism while growing up - I shut up. I freeze and fawn. I do not tell my story. Literally I had been accused of things I did not do - and I would do nothing, I would not tell my story, my side, my defense. I have discovered this happens due to set of complex reasons all of which links to Retort: ability to speak up my story, my side, my defense. 1) Trauma bonding - it is automatic link with anyone who is loud, angry, violent - that I see them as competent and I take anything they say as absolute truth, and them as a god which must be obeyed. 2) Negative Politeness - it is aspiration to not hurt someone's feelings, so you decide to shut up and not to rock the boat, believing that the other person is too fragile to hear the truth which would compromise their character, honesty, integrity, making someone look stupid, but you respect them even though they cross boundaries and they are rude to you. 3) Pollyanna Syndrome - similar concept where one has desire to see good in everyone even at the cost of being swindled by crooks. 4) Toxic empathy - where we rationalize and intellectualize someone's abuse When these four elements mix - the result is panic and blockage and inability to speak up. It appears as if being a coward, a pushover - but in fact it is trauma, experience from past when we were punished for expressing oneself, being honest and authentic over and over again. After all - it is mission impossible to make narcissists and abusers admit their faults and aggression - they have Actor Observer Bias where they will blame the target for anything wrong that happens and they use skillful dualism and double binding to place the blame on the target of their bullying. Then we end up voiceless and we shut up. Retort would be ability to speak back - not only our defense but also idioms and phrases as a shield. I even started to collect a list of retort words and I put them on my blog.
@@MF-pk2gf 5 months later - and I learned that people pleasing is not really problem. The true problem are abusers. They choose to abuse. They choose consciously to be pathological liars, to withhold partial information, to present distorted reality, they have hidden agenda, they use coercive control (which is criminal act and violation of human rights) - and as HealthyGamer said in his video about unfavorable Power Dynamics - in situations where we cannot leave, when we cannot quit our job, when we cannot simply run away (due to money, shelter, third party) - we are forced to people please in order to survive and to save our sanity. I also learned that toxic society places harsh explanation about our image about who we suppose to be and what is moral and ethical. Like, CBT is doing this insidious and dangerous mistake: to equate our trauma and pain and being abused as a sign of "cowardice" and equates our panic and fears with our character and persona, in form of quick bias explanations and instructions like "be strong" and be "courageous" - as if we are the ones who initiate abuse by our thinking. This explanation by CBT leads to personality disorder - because now we are convinced that our thoughts are outside of our control and we must artificially govern them by trying to be god, narcissists, grandiose figure of uber-mensch god like figure without any mistakes or flaws. I also learned the concept of neurodiversity - which CBT bans - and it means that our way of thinking may be different than dumb people with lower IQ who label our ability to over think as sickness and abnormality - while it is normal and ok. I also learned that agreeableness is character trait, it is part of personality, it even belongs to Big 5 persona traits - so people pleasing is not sickness nor disorder - and in fact it is even found in genes! (CLOCK and CNR1) In normal healthy ambient - it is normal to people please - to care for other people. There is no other way to form romantic, friendship or business contact - if we are not open and friendly. If we are antagonistic and selfish - we will destroy it. We need to have certain level of people pleasing - so it turns into disease only when there is narcissists toxic people on the other side who exploit and mock our kindness.
This video reminds me when my ex bf said negative comments to me. His apology was "I did it because I knew you'd feel bad" and when I told him I really felt terrible, he said "I'm glad to hear that". I cut that relationship immediately.
I have BPD and empathy and remorse is a huge thing for us. It’s not that we don’t feel bad. We Have no emotional literacy and cannot control our emotions. And we may not even realize we’re being manipulative. As we develop our emotional literacy, our ability to regulate becomes easier. So, we do care. Probably too a fault. We just don’t know how to control ourselves. But trust me, borderlines are good at internalizing a lot of that anger. Which is easy to do when you feel like you arnt worth much. We are reacting out of childhood wounds and behaving how we had to as children to survive. Some of us are trying to be better 😊
Thank you for the message! This is something I’ve been doing inner work to work on this. The struggle is real when they are intentionally trying to rattle your cage and ruffle your feathers. These intentional chaos and conflict starters that thrive in it enjoy scapegoating you. I appreciate your video.❤
Well said. The chaos and heartache. Evaluating it in my head (as we speak) after a bad conversation with a guy I dated very shortly. I hope I am able to renew myself bc my responsiveness is to much for sure.
You have explained my situation in a way I've never heard before and made me feel understood. Both my mother and wife have displayed these toxic behaviours for years which has, and is, still impacting me to this day. My 'go to' was to lose my temper which was the intention by both my mother and wife. Once I lost my temper, it became the focus of all conversations. My wife and mother would then be the victim of the situation and I would end up apologising. I loved what you said about owning my feelings and dealing with them away from the person and knowing that the person doesn't care about I feel. They are very hard things to come to terms with as they are people who love me and in my view, shouldn't be treating me that way. My longing for them to understand how their actions have hurt me and for them to care has been a great source of pain for me. My goal is to be non-reactive to my wife, who I love, and deal with the pain that comes from her denial and lack of empathy. When I feel like I am being gaslit, manipulated or provoked, I am going to remain silent knowing that it's not personal and that if I react I have lost control. Thanks for the video.
I so needed this. I had a guy im dating chastise me for being celebate. I'm so mad I took the bait and tried to defend myself. Damn if you do, damn if u dont. What an ass! I hung up on him because I don't like to argue. I really liked him before that convo. Ughhhhhhh he definitely tried to get me off balance and it worked! Instead of arguing I hung up. I don't know if that was immature or not but im in a space where my peace is not up for debate. PERIOD. That was last night and I feel like crap this morning. I'm done dating.
I love the brick wall technique. I will use that when I get into a situation with someone toxic I will go inwards and not let out my frustration out to the person who does not care because from that moment of Mindfulness I will take responsibility for my emotions by owning it. Thank you 🙏
So so helpful. I’m trying hard to be more mindful and be in control of my emotions and to respond and not react. Recognizing that “if this person did care then they would care how they’re making you feel” Disappointing and hard truth. Thank you.
Establish boundaries. Go to the court and serve him with child support and have a legal agreement about who is going to watch the kid and when. Without this he can kidnap your child or do whatever he wants. You have to set boundaries ASAP, and this is a way u don’t have to tell him what needs to be done, but someone else (mediation)
I have finally mastered my emotional reactions. I just got rid of a toxic girlfriend by not giving into her manipulative behavior. She got so upset she ended the relationship and I accepted it calmly and rationally. It was literally the only card she had left to play and it was a bluff and pure desperation. Check and mate.
Yes this is what I want more of. Help with everything in this video . Help. I will watch again and take notes. I am going to own this habit or die trying. Thank you
Such a brilliant video Stephanie. I found this so helpful. Thank you so much. I have been with my narc husband for 20 years. I have read so many books about narcissism and yet I still remained with him, still reacting and giving my power away. I have been depressed for most of this time. However, since I have been watching your videos I seem to have a deeper understanding of myself and what I continue to do that sabotages my personal growth and freedom. Thank you so so much for the content you provide completely free. I am so grateful.
I really like this topic, I still have a lot of work to do but, I’m have learned to have better boundaries in personal as well as professional! I have learned to have self awareness and to believe in my self and that I do deserve to have a healthy relationships! The hardest thing for me is getting rid of those toxic thoughts and tapes! So changing the way I was programmed, it has been a challenge climbing that mountain and I still am climbing 😮 Have a very blessed day ❤
My biggest mistake while dating a full blown narcissist besides forgiving over and over and over and still loving unconditionally!!! Was me getting angry! Me fighting back. Me arguing back! Then after years of being quiet i tried talking to her family first, then my family. What i found out was that i was alone. It was the most fucked up feeling ever while this Narcissist was still TORTURING ME!!! I became super angry! I still am!!! Then i began to notice how my anger started affecting me everyday in all situations of my life! And it made me angry knowing that this Narcissist has me feeling this way! So hurt!!!! Confused!!! I found myself screaming alone in my car while driving alone and speeding sometimes! I've ran a red light going fast one day, i almost hit a car. I instantly regretted that! This Narcissist took FULL CONTROL OF ME!!!!! Im having a very very hard time taking my power back.. 💔😥 The only thing keeping me alive is my daughter and her love towards me! ❤️
I realised my narc had set up tasks for me to do .These tasks were sort of tests to see if I was compliant to his requests.They were tests if I passed he would reward me with some minor reward .I quickly responded to his requests until I realised he was doing nothing for me ..I pulled right back until one day I failed to respond to a text .Hell hath no fury than a narc denied attention .I was berated for over half an hour because I didn’t jump when he said jump.These people are peacocks who expect everybody to genuflect to them.
Been taking total responsibility for my own emotions and total responsibility for my own decisions since the age of 23. People who have most of the time a set of hidden disabilities experience more difficulty when having to be around a narcissistic person or persons only because their symptoms get worse and so those symptoms become more apparent when the narcissist(s) are using coersion to obtain their narcissistic supply. Maintaining our homeostasis well enough to prevent the symptoms increasing to the signs stage towards a health crisis is for sure healthier than the narcissistic way.
Sometimes I feel personally attacked and taunted, especially when social media comes into play because you cannot escape what toxic people post. I feel intense frustration and anger towards this person, however I always try to practice mindfulness through meditation realizing that this person seeks attention, convincing myself…”it’s not me, it’s them”.
good stuff! it takes being deliberate & very thoughtful. my oldest son and my ex husband I have to seriously force myself to purposely handle myself VERY deliberate & low low emotion & energy. keep it very n controlled. thank you for this great & practical advice.
Wow! I really like your approached i needed to hear this message from you. I can resonate from it. I am struggling with my emotions whenever I am triggered by someone they know I totally lose control of my anger i don't know how to stay calm. I reacted right away since i already know that this person knows to push my buttons. Thank you for sharing this video. I really want to apply what I learned from what you said on this video to makw me feel better and stronger on myself.. It's a learning process butI have to be patient with myself. Spot on love it👍👍
I was in a narc situation over a year during pandemic and I learned this myself out of survival. Respond, don't react...but catch 22 when they don't get reaction sometimes they freak out. My ex narc poured water over my head, dragged me outside by my ankles, would not give me my car keys and through all my stuff in fire pit... They crave that reaction as if it was life itself.
Wow , ty soooo much steph, for this vid . Ive been in relationship for almost 7 yrs now . And last 3 my gf started getting addicted to online games an needing $ Woke up to like 5 texts about storys of why she needs money. Im gonna see about a session with you. But tks sooo much. Ithought i was sooo in love, but I was wrong!!!
Thanks for this, I got a lot out of this video :) One thing I didn't resonate with so much is saying that the other person is not going to care about how I feel at all. I know you specialize in dealing with narcissists but not everybody is in relationship with a narcissist. I think labeling people as toxic is not always accurate and in fact can be a bit overly judgemental (unless they are really nasty). Many (most?) of us are in relationship with people who may lack consciousness but do still care about other people, just maybe don't have the tools to deal with others in a healthy way. I like the 'unhealthy' label better, it is more compassionate.
It's hardest with me with customers at work. They are just so rude. And rudeness / disrespect is a trigger of mine. I don't react at work but I let it drain my energy and that's something I'm working on and not being so sensitive or such a people pleaser. I'm getting better at not being a people pleaser but don't know how not to be sensitive. 😢
I have experiences some one in my life that it cause me over welled, My life that I'm dealing with this person that it stressed me, And doesn't live me alone for at least 15 minutes, in the morning time were i can started to a wake up a little bit.
I'm using all of these tactics now on an elderly female ex-board member of mine. When I see her in public, I pretend to see nothing, or look in another direction. I walk right past her in public, and pretend she's not even there. I've blocked her phone number and on social media, so that the only way she can reach me is through email. I hear from people in our circle that it bothers her, and turning the tables only gave me more power to render her completely unimportant. The sad part is that many people in our professional circle know of her nasty and mean ways, but are scared to call her on it: their passive endorsement of her behavior, made her what she is today. As I get stronger, she gets weaker (psychologically and physically, as she's on a cane). Knowing I live rent-free in her mentally-challenged and deluded mind is sad, but she brought it on herself.
In reading about assertiveness the author said sometimes you have to put some emotion into the interaction to get through to the person, especially when it's someone you know well. Where's the line between expressing to the person the seriousness of the situation versus stuffing it down and not showing ?
I live with a communal type narcissist who makes a lot of mess and is sloppy and doesn’t ever pick up or clean up after himself, but then every few weeks he may clean up one thing, then will call me from what I’m doing and demand my immediate presence. Then he’ll go on about all he’s cleaning and all he’s doing, and I’m just having to keep quite and watch my tongue sort of. It’s a very difficult experience but I’m starting to understand that if I’m frustrated that it’s them controlling my emotions.
Idc..i spent my life not being allowed them and trying to feel now and its a great thing so care not how others feel at present im working on me...sometimes im lil out of control and know it..but daily im learning ...
Everything discussed in this video is from Buddhist philosophy for effective control learn Buddhist meditation and you will increase your mindfulness and awareness of your feelings 👍
So when I feel this tremendous hurt or pain from a person and they've done it over and over again, I have gone silent and talk to my husband about it. That's a safe place for me.
The best response is silence. 🥰
I think the best response is assertiveness and if that gets deflected the boundarie of walking away.
Sometimes silence is your only option. Some people will never understand you because they don't want to.
@@realhealing7802 True. And they don't have to understand me. For me the silence usually comes after asserting my boundarie.
Agreed!
Not always. Some toxic people will interpret your silence as green light to continue abuse.
This can work in situation where we do not depend on them and when we can leave.
It starts to be problem when we cannot leave due to any reason: finances, security, help, third party, obligations, contract, safety etc. Then staying silent is enabling abuse and it is enabling abuser in their abuse. Enabling is the word here.
Evil thrives when good men are silent.
Silence and rejection is what destroys these ppl. They can’t handle it
This video is so helpful! At the age of 51, I am literally trying to educate myself.... inorder to protect myself from so many toxic and narcissistic people I seem to attract! I need to work on my boundaries and mindfulness. Thankyou Steph 💚❤
Juile Kinsella I'm in my 60s now and I'm still having trouble not reacting! It does take practice though.
I've had huge issues with highly narcissistic, or worse, individuals since I was a child as well and wish you all the very best with your recovery. 😊
We are blessed today with good guides like Stefanie, back when it was all women trashing and male supremacy, women told, like children, to be quiet.
Me too. And I've noticed that anyone that is available at our age, if they're not aware and avoiding people, they're toxic and grasping at them.
That hasn't changed. Women are still treated badly.
I was raised in a cult, and I want you to know psychos and other predatory type people TARGET the kind, the generous, and the essentially kind-hearted. So steel your judgement of others, you may have accidentally been being too selfless in the presence of leeches!
“Be still and know” is my “go to” place within!
Love this ! I think that’s as well
😊
@@shaniecegullison 🙏🕊🙏
YE$ And I Would Add Forgive Them For They Do Not Know. B/C They Don't Truly Understand Being THAT Way Is Hurting Themselves As Well ❤️🩹🤕
@@KT-sv6jx ❤️🕊❤️
And the joy joy ...
Always think b4 you respond/ think. These are horrible/ evil and manipulate monsters, and an emotional response usually will just shoot you in the foot..
This gets really bad when they’re sadistic and doing it on purpose and even worse when you keep telling them not to do it but they do it more
They are sadists, you're right
Great video. Recognizing the hard truth that toxic people "just do not care" is great advice. Letting go of people who do not care or want to change is essential.
So true!
"I matter because I'm able to change your emotional state." YES! This is what my ex-husband does to everyone to boost his ego. Its awful. Oh gosh! "They get a high off of it." OMG you're amazing!
Sweet Jesus....I'm battling undiagnosed health issues for last 3yrs and on top of that, dealing with narcissistic abuse relationship......I NEEDED this this morning
Seek God and eternal salvation! He WILL answer you and you WILL find peace. 100% no questions asked.
@@itskeagan3004 I am sooooo angry at Dr's and this guy's abusive behavior towards me.....I feel so lost😔 Thank you Jesus I'm still standing....HE'S not done with me yet I know🙏🏼🙏🏼 Thank you for responding ❤
@@itskeagan3004 100% truth. Jesus is the one who leads me to wisdom on how to navigate the “land mines in life.” He also shows me the areas where I need healing inside and out and where I need to humble myself and make changes. He is my filter and source for everything. I know he led me to Stephanie’s channel. 🤍✝️🕊
@@aliciawolff1546 I understand you’re suffering and I’m so sorry that you’re living through this. My heart breaks for those living in turmoil and trauma. I did for 20 years and I nearly died from a 10 year fight with opiate addiction.
Thank Jesus I’m 2 years sober and the anger, resentment, depression (diagnosed manic depressive,PTSD, anxiety) were ALL taken away from me.
I’ll tell you how. I was desperate in April this year. I had quit drugs, my life was okay but I was so depressed and angry/resentful that it consumed me. I replayed traumatic situations like another addiction asking why it had to be that way, why couldn’t my parents see my pain. The devil was working on me hard and I would have relapsed if I didn’t do SOMETHING. Problem was, I tried everything but seeking God with my whole heart.
I got on my knees in my office that day. I started pleading with God HARD. I begged him to take my anger, suffering and brokenness from me. I told Him He could have my heart, that I would surrender my sinful ways and seek Him daily. Next thing I knew I was shaking and crying like a child, I felt SO humbled. BUT more importantly I felt a peace in my heart I’ve NEVER known. He removed my heart of stone, I felt a “shell” break off my encased heart. It was nothing short of God’s Grace and Mercy, He wrapped me in His and poured His Holy Spirit out onto me.
I’m sorry for the long response! I just want to share this free love God offers to ALL. I pray that you find peace, I’m praying for you as soon as I finish this comment. God Bless those who follow Him. Thank you too, Shout It!
@@itskeagan3004 I appreciate this message so much, long and ALL lol❤ Thank God my faith is STRONG.....HE is the reason I'm still going THANK YOU JESUS🙏🏼🙏🏼 God BLESS you to keep sharing HOPE & LOVE and pour an UNCONTAINABLE amount of BLESSINGS over your life in JESUS'S MIGHTY NAME AMEN❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼❤🙏🏼
In a sense yes you are right every single one of us should control our own personal emotions. However with that said, when we bottle things up and the bottle overflows it becomes an ugly sight of drama. Whatever one should do, is to keep yourselves grounded! And choose your battles wisely.
I have always expressed my feelings of hurt to my mum when I've felt hurt by her. She gets all dramatic and it never ends well.
Recently I started to keep my feelings to myself and not show her. It works. I deal with my hurt feelings by myself and in the end life always gives me what I need.
Thank you Nicky. I am having a hard time dealing with my Mom. I get so frustrated and angry. I just rather not talk to her at all but she's in her eighties. I need to practice remaining calm.
I know how you feel. Whenever I expressed how her decisions affected my life, she gets defensive, cold and doesn’t take accountability- classic narcissistic traits. I just stopped trying to get her to understand and apologize as it will never happen. I have a very surface level relationship with her.
It's the difference between Taking Action, and Reacting...
Tanking Action is about what you decide to do in response...
Reacting is about letting them control your response...
That’s the word - practice!!! With my boss who’s a narc i don’t share what’s important or sensitive bcz she’s on the one up so dont open the door. I let her talk about herself & i sometimes share trivial things that don’t matter to me.
So, it's foolishness to give full vent to my spirit, but wisdom to quietly hold it back. Nice!
it can be so difficult to recognize when the ego is throwing me off course! practicing mindfulness every day, hour, etc. great video ✌❤
I love the using the brick wall imagery when dealing with toxic people
work front desk at a big hotel. you will learn quickly give you 2 - 3 months and stuff will slide right off, eventually. maybe more numb to others' nasty, projecting ways. I have to armor up emotionally, daily.
I’ve been practicing this at work, with friends and everywhere I go.
Toxic people always use everything against you that you hate or do not like. My curator said to me today. You are strong. I said thank you. It has not been easy to be stressed out and deal with the past at the same time. I made it through. They say that a person grows most when you go through difficulties. Thank you for you are good empath person. Stephanie you and Aaron, Victor, Andrew, Ramani, Klara, Matthew, and Mantius you are all good empath people.
From my own experience I did succeed to be calm and collective with toxic people and their temper tantrums - and I ended up with people pleasing and fawning - since I would suppress my emotions that would make boundaries. Toxic people see us being calm and not reactive against us - they cross boundaries and they make even more drama, more hysteria, more screaming, more temper tantrums, more accusations, more cursing - they see we do not react - they become more and more aggressive and toxic - and us not reacting we become more pushovers and people pleasers and fawning.
I see that I lacked concept called Retort - for example
to actually say to this person "I disagree with you". Instead my focus would be to be calm and collective - not to react to their aggression - while in reality not being reactive is still reaction. I would react to their abuse by not reacting - paradoxically this is still reaction. Non-reaction is reaction.
And toxic people break norms, they break boundaries and thus they get away with their abuse, we do not hold them accountable for their abuse. This gives them green light to continue abuse.
I would cut contact with toxic people - wherever there is no obligation to stay with them.
And I would use Retort , healthy functional response to their abuse as way of coping with toxic people - not reacting at all will be taken advantage of and they will react in the same way as if we are directly confronting them. These people are abnormal, they are predators, they do not care for other people, they only want to destroy and eat other people.
Can you explain Retort?
This happened to me too. I used to be reactive, then I realized people were using it against me. Then I “overcorrected” by practicing calmness and non response which manifested into people-pleasing. So now I am practicing the enforcement of my boundaries while being mindful of which interactions deserve my energy.
@@xoMrsWentzxo "Can you explain Retort?"
Self advocacy - is short answer.
Like in a court, when you are being brought to trial and you need a lawyer to present your case.
Long answer:
I have noticed that when someone is toxic, unreasonable, angry - due to Rejection Sensitivity and Complex Trauma and exposure to criticism while growing up - I shut up. I freeze and fawn. I do not tell my story.
Literally I had been accused of things I did not do - and I would do nothing, I would not tell my story, my side, my defense.
I have discovered this happens due to set of complex reasons all of which links to Retort: ability to speak up my story, my side, my defense.
1) Trauma bonding - it is automatic link with anyone who is loud, angry, violent - that I see them as competent and I take anything they say as absolute truth, and them as a god which must be obeyed.
2) Negative Politeness - it is aspiration to not hurt someone's feelings, so you decide to shut up and not to rock the boat, believing that the other person is too fragile to hear the truth which would compromise their character, honesty, integrity, making someone look stupid, but you respect them even though they cross boundaries and they are rude to you.
3) Pollyanna Syndrome - similar concept where one has desire to see good in everyone even at the cost of being swindled by crooks.
4) Toxic empathy - where we rationalize and intellectualize someone's abuse
When these four elements mix - the result is panic and blockage and inability to speak up. It appears as if being a coward, a pushover - but in fact it is trauma, experience from past when we were punished for expressing oneself, being honest and authentic over and over again.
After all - it is mission impossible to make narcissists and abusers admit their faults and aggression - they have Actor Observer Bias where they will blame the target for anything wrong that happens and they use skillful dualism and double binding to place the blame on the target of their bullying.
Then we end up voiceless and we shut up.
Retort would be ability to speak back -
not only our defense but also idioms and phrases as a shield.
I even started to collect a list of retort words and I put them on my blog.
@@MF-pk2gf 5 months later - and I learned that people pleasing is not really problem.
The true problem are abusers.
They choose to abuse. They choose consciously to be pathological liars, to withhold partial information, to present distorted reality, they have hidden agenda, they use coercive control (which is criminal act and violation of human rights) -
and as HealthyGamer said in his video about unfavorable Power Dynamics - in situations where we cannot leave, when we cannot quit our job, when we cannot simply run away (due to money, shelter, third party) - we are forced to people please in order to survive and to save our sanity.
I also learned that toxic society places harsh explanation about our image about who we suppose to be and what is moral and ethical.
Like, CBT is doing this insidious and dangerous mistake: to equate our trauma and pain and being abused as a sign of "cowardice" and equates our panic and fears with our character and persona, in form of quick bias explanations and instructions like "be strong" and be "courageous" - as if we are the ones who initiate abuse by our thinking.
This explanation by CBT leads to personality disorder - because now we are convinced that our thoughts are outside of our control and we must artificially govern them by trying to be god, narcissists, grandiose figure of uber-mensch god like figure without any mistakes or flaws.
I also learned the concept of neurodiversity - which CBT bans - and it means that our way of thinking may be different than dumb people with lower IQ who label our ability to over think as sickness and abnormality - while it is normal and ok.
I also learned that agreeableness is character trait, it is part of personality, it even belongs to Big 5 persona traits - so people pleasing is not sickness nor disorder - and in fact it is even found in genes! (CLOCK and CNR1)
In normal healthy ambient - it is normal to people please - to care for other people. There is no other way to form romantic, friendship or business contact - if we are not open and friendly. If we are antagonistic and selfish - we will destroy it. We need to have certain level of people pleasing - so it turns into disease only when there is narcissists toxic people on the other side who exploit and mock our kindness.
This video reminds me when my ex bf said negative comments to me. His apology was "I did it because I knew you'd feel bad" and when I told him I really felt terrible, he said "I'm glad to hear that". I cut that relationship immediately.
Toxic
Thank you! This advice open my way to positive life !
😢😢😢I feel so weak 😢I will absolutely take steps to to protect and heal myself ❤ thank you for this message
I have BPD and empathy and remorse is a huge thing for us. It’s not that we don’t feel bad. We Have no emotional literacy and cannot control our emotions. And we may not even realize we’re being manipulative. As we develop our emotional literacy, our ability to regulate becomes easier. So, we do care. Probably too a fault. We just don’t know how to control ourselves. But trust me, borderlines are good at internalizing a lot of that anger. Which is easy to do when you feel like you arnt worth much. We are reacting out of childhood wounds and behaving how we had to as children to survive. Some of us are trying to be better 😊
Thank you for the message! This is something I’ve been doing inner work to work on this. The struggle is real when they are intentionally trying to rattle your cage and ruffle your feathers. These intentional chaos and conflict starters that thrive in it enjoy scapegoating you. I appreciate your video.❤
Well said. The chaos and heartache. Evaluating it in my head (as we speak) after a bad conversation with a guy I dated very shortly. I hope I am able to renew myself bc my responsiveness is to much for sure.
Yes exactly
This is so spot on
May everyone have a great new year 2023
This advice is gold.
I needed to hear this back in March...better late than never I suppose
You have explained my situation in a way I've never heard before and made me feel understood. Both my mother and wife have displayed these toxic behaviours for years which has, and is, still impacting me to this day. My 'go to' was to lose my temper which was the intention by both my mother and wife. Once I lost my temper, it became the focus of all conversations. My wife and mother would then be the victim of the situation and I would end up apologising. I loved what you said about owning my feelings and dealing with them away from the person and knowing that the person doesn't care about I feel. They are very hard things to come to terms with as they are people who love me and in my view, shouldn't be treating me that way. My longing for them to understand how their actions have hurt me and for them to care has been a great source of pain for me. My goal is to be non-reactive to my wife, who I love, and deal with the pain that comes from her denial and lack of empathy. When I feel like I am being gaslit, manipulated or provoked, I am going to remain silent knowing that it's not personal and that if I react I have lost control.
Thanks for the video.
Practice, Practice, Practice 🧱📏🦺🪖🥾🥽🪜🪚🔧🔨🪛🔩🧰🧲🧱📐🔬🧫🧪🩺🩹🧲☠️☣️🪜🧱🔥🔥🧯☢️🗣️🧲🧱🎧💃🎶☮️☯️🛐💜
I so needed this. I had a guy im dating chastise me for being celebate. I'm so mad I took the bait and tried to defend myself. Damn if you do, damn if u dont. What an ass! I hung up on him because I don't like to argue. I really liked him before that convo. Ughhhhhhh he definitely tried to get me off balance and it worked! Instead of arguing I hung up. I don't know if that was immature or not but im in a space where my peace is not up for debate. PERIOD. That was last night and I feel like crap this morning. I'm done dating.
I hope you stood firm in your choice Kimberly. Your choice of staying away from an argument is noble.
Thank you.. you said I need to mature my emotions are my own.. thanks right on time
I love the brick wall technique. I will use that when I get into a situation with someone toxic I will go inwards and not let out my frustration out to the person who does not care because from that moment of Mindfulness I will take responsibility for my emotions by owning it. Thank you 🙏
this is new for me. that they need to feel important and "matter" by doing things that irritate others. how pitiful to living life like that
Thank you. I really needed to hear it today.
I will listen to this repeatedly. SO important!!!
Well too late. I showed too much emotions but since they left, I have remained silent.
I love how you break everything down. It really helps.😊
So so helpful. I’m trying hard to be more mindful and be in control of my emotions and to respond and not react. Recognizing that “if this person did care then they would care how they’re making you feel” Disappointing and hard truth. Thank you.
I’m literally going through the most toxic breakup with a child involved. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I’m heartbroken
I can totally sympathise with you !! ❤️🙏🏼 keep watching her videos and also audiobooks of Wayne Dyer. Sending you lots of strength!!
Establish boundaries. Go to the court and serve him with child support and have a legal agreement about who is going to watch the kid and when. Without this he can kidnap your child or do whatever he wants. You have to set boundaries ASAP, and this is a way u don’t have to tell him what needs to be done, but someone else (mediation)
Negativity = Negative Energy ➖️😵💫
Positivity = Positive Energy ➕️🙂
I have finally mastered my emotional reactions. I just got rid of a toxic girlfriend by not giving into her manipulative behavior. She got so upset she ended the relationship and I accepted it calmly and rationally. It was literally the only card she had left to play and it was a bluff and pure desperation. Check and mate.
people like you help people like us who struggle in these kinds of situations. Thank you.
I could listen to you 24/7
Yes this is what I want more of. Help with everything in this video . Help. I will watch again and take notes. I am going to own this habit or die trying. Thank you
"i matter if i get you to do what i want you to do" 😢
Keep calm and tell the narcissist ''all that planning and your result is 0''
A new master piece ! Thanks from France for the next level of mastering ourselves !!!
Such a brilliant video Stephanie. I found this so helpful. Thank you so much. I have been with my narc husband for 20 years. I have read so many books about narcissism and yet I still remained with him, still reacting and giving my power away. I have been depressed for most of this time. However, since I have been watching your videos I seem to have a deeper understanding of myself and what I continue to do that sabotages my personal growth and freedom. Thank you so so much for the content you provide completely free. I am so grateful.
I really like this topic, I still have a lot of work to do but, I’m have learned to have better boundaries in personal as well as professional! I have learned to have self awareness and to believe in my self and that I do deserve to have a healthy relationships! The hardest thing for me is getting rid of those toxic thoughts and tapes! So changing the way I was programmed, it has been a challenge climbing that mountain and I still am climbing 😮 Have a very blessed day ❤
14:11 to 14:21
Solid wake-up call! Great takeaway. Thank you 💕
My biggest mistake while dating a full blown narcissist besides forgiving over and over and over and still loving unconditionally!!! Was me getting angry! Me fighting back. Me arguing back! Then after years of being quiet i tried talking to her family first, then my family. What i found out was that i was alone. It was the most fucked up feeling ever while this Narcissist was still TORTURING ME!!! I became super angry! I still am!!! Then i began to notice how my anger started affecting me everyday in all situations of my life! And it made me angry knowing that this Narcissist has me feeling this way! So hurt!!!! Confused!!! I found myself screaming alone in my car while driving alone and speeding sometimes! I've ran a red light going fast one day, i almost hit a car. I instantly regretted that! This Narcissist took FULL CONTROL OF ME!!!!! Im having a very very hard time taking my power back.. 💔😥 The only thing keeping me alive is my daughter and her love towards me! ❤️
I realised my narc had set up tasks for me to do .These tasks were sort of tests to see if I was compliant to his requests.They were tests if I passed he would reward me with some minor reward .I quickly responded to his requests until I realised he was doing nothing for me ..I pulled right back until one day I failed to respond to a text .Hell hath no fury than a narc denied attention .I was berated for over half an hour because I didn’t jump when he said jump.These people are peacocks who expect everybody to genuflect to them.
Covert testing vs joint exercise. Betrays trust.
so true, great video, good stuff
Sending you hugs and positive energy from Florida. You have helped me so much throughout my journey. ❤
I'm so glad!
Been taking total responsibility for my own emotions and total responsibility for my own decisions since the age of 23. People who have most of the time a set of hidden disabilities experience more difficulty when having to be around a narcissistic person or persons only because their symptoms get worse and so those symptoms become more apparent when the narcissist(s) are using coersion to obtain their narcissistic supply. Maintaining our homeostasis well enough to prevent the symptoms increasing to the signs stage towards a health crisis is for sure healthier than the narcissistic way.
Thanks I love the title...on point
Wow, this video helped me so much! Honestly gives me so much relief, thank you for this!!
This is a brilliant video. Thanks Steph!
I like a lot of information you speak. You bring a new perspective at times.
Your videos have been walking me through holding my boundaries to my covert bish mother
Sometimes I feel personally attacked and taunted, especially when social media comes into play because you cannot escape what toxic people post. I feel intense frustration and anger towards this person, however I always try to practice mindfulness through meditation realizing that this person seeks attention, convincing myself…”it’s not me, it’s them”.
BLOCK THEM! Why you continue to look at their crap 💩?? Block them access do you and you block their bad energy!
Thank you so mush
good stuff! it takes being deliberate & very thoughtful. my oldest son and my ex husband I have to seriously force myself to purposely handle myself VERY deliberate & low low emotion & energy. keep it very n controlled. thank you for this great & practical advice.
Thank you, Stephanie! 💜
Wow! I really like your approached i needed to hear this message from you. I can resonate from it. I am struggling with my emotions whenever I am triggered by someone they know I totally lose control of my anger i don't know how to stay calm. I reacted right away since i already know that this person knows to push my buttons. Thank you for sharing this video. I really want to apply what I learned from what you said on this video to makw me feel better and stronger on myself.. It's a learning process butI have to be patient with myself. Spot on love it👍👍
Absolutely great video. Thank you so very much.
You are an angel!
Wish I saw this video before today. But thank You for sharing. Moving forward I will be very mindful about expressing myself.
I’m confused… ?
👍You are amazing Stephanie 👍
I was in a narc situation over a year during pandemic and I learned this myself out of survival. Respond, don't react...but catch 22 when they don't get reaction sometimes they freak out. My ex narc poured water over my head, dragged me outside by my ankles, would not give me my car keys and through all my stuff in fire pit... They crave that reaction as if it was life itself.
Highly appreciate your content. Thank you for the therapy. ❤
Listen everyday on repeat
Wow , ty soooo much steph, for this vid . Ive been in relationship for almost 7 yrs now . And last 3 my gf started getting addicted to online games an needing $ Woke up to like 5 texts about storys of why she needs money. Im gonna see about a session with you. But tks sooo much. Ithought i was sooo in love, but I was wrong!!!
I am nobodies doormat. Life is short and almost 45,not good for me to cry so much.....
Wow. Yes, very useful. Will apply asap to my daily dealings with an a**hole colleague.
Thanks for this, I got a lot out of this video :)
One thing I didn't resonate with so much is saying that the other person is not going to care about how I feel at all. I know you specialize in dealing with narcissists but not everybody is in relationship with a narcissist. I think labeling people as toxic is not always accurate and in fact can be a bit overly judgemental (unless they are really nasty). Many (most?) of us are in relationship with people who may lack consciousness but do still care about other people, just maybe don't have the tools to deal with others in a healthy way. I like the 'unhealthy' label better, it is more compassionate.
I appreciate the knowledge and video. Thank you
Love this, thank you Stephanie. 💜
It's hardest with me with customers at work. They are just so rude. And rudeness / disrespect is a trigger of mine. I don't react at work but I let it drain my energy and that's something I'm working on and not being so sensitive or such a people pleaser. I'm getting better at not being a people pleaser but don't know how not to be sensitive. 😢
This was very helpful 🙏🏼
Wow! SO HELPFUL! Thank you so much!
No its is not that I matter, but it is I am right or is always right.
Thank you Lord knows I sure needed this.
Absolute gold. Thanks so much.❤
I have experiences some one in my life that it cause me over welled, My life that I'm dealing with this person that it stressed me, And doesn't live me alone for at least 15 minutes, in the morning time were i can started to a wake up a little bit.
Keep rocking it.
Excellent Ms Thanks Take Care RADHE RADHE JAI JAI RADHE
I'm using all of these tactics now on an elderly female ex-board member of mine. When I see her in public, I pretend to see nothing, or look in another direction. I walk right past her in public, and pretend she's not even there. I've blocked her phone number and on social media, so that the only way she can reach me is through email. I hear from people in our circle that it bothers her, and turning the tables only gave me more power to render her completely unimportant. The sad part is that many people in our professional circle know of her nasty and mean ways, but are scared to call her on it: their passive endorsement of her behavior, made her what she is today. As I get stronger, she gets weaker (psychologically and physically, as she's on a cane). Knowing I live rent-free in her mentally-challenged and deluded mind is sad, but she brought it on herself.
In reading about assertiveness the author said sometimes you have to put some emotion into the interaction to get through to the person, especially when it's someone you know well. Where's the line between expressing to the person the seriousness of the situation versus stuffing it down and not showing ?
I live with a communal type narcissist who makes a lot of mess and is sloppy and doesn’t ever pick up or clean up after himself, but then every few weeks he may clean up one thing, then will call me from what I’m doing and demand my immediate presence. Then he’ll go on about all he’s cleaning and all he’s doing, and I’m just having to keep quite and watch my tongue sort of. It’s a very difficult experience but I’m starting to understand that if I’m frustrated that it’s them controlling my emotions.
Idc..i spent my life not being allowed them and trying to feel now and its a great thing so care not how others feel at present im working on me...sometimes im lil out of control and know it..but daily im learning ...
I give my toxic mother a taste of her own medicine (silent treatment).
Another great video! I appreciate you so much!
Everything discussed in this video is from Buddhist philosophy for effective control learn Buddhist meditation and you will increase your mindfulness and awareness of your feelings 👍
Thank you so much!
I.m not from USA is thac ok?
Thanks for the tips something I’ve always struggled with
Amazing I'm choosing my brother
So when I feel this tremendous hurt or pain from a person and they've done it over and over again, I have gone silent and talk to my husband about it. That's a safe place for me.
Thank you, feel like I am always wrong, empath, that is me😢