I did this yesterday when my ex tried to trigger me in court .. just giving a pokerface works well . He tried so hard to get me to react to his so called new life , I didn't even flinch because I have my happiness.
@@dsmusicbird when you’re truly “cured” and free, you will literally not care whether they change or not. You will just get away from everyone like this from now on.
If you let them, they surely will. Arming oneself with knowledge about their ways, is one of the best things a person can do. I’ve learned so much about the narcs in my life, and I promise, I have become a great enemy to them. Now, they’ve been avoiding me.😂😂😂
My best defense against narcissists is an “I don’t care” attitude. If they are doing something hurtful and antagonizing I tell myself in my head “I don’t care what you say, think or feel”. And then act or speak accordingly. I am DONE reacting to this toxic world. I really do wish they would stop though but since they won’t and can’t , keyword CANT, I have to change myself.
@@jencaragia 😆 That’s a great way to imagine it! I guess if we can’t change it, it’s best to make light of it! I’m sorry you have a sis who deals with that, I empathize! Why does this to have to exist.. why can’t people just be nice and caring!
@@cianajames55 I’m sorry you deal with this 😞 I have cut ties with many including my ex husband and bf and the ones that I can’t get away from cuz I live with them I have learned that they can’t help themselves. Deep down they are unhappy and empty. They need you to fill themselves up. Keep your focus on God (if you believe). Keep growing and getting stronger and wiser :) Get what you need elsewhere! There are caring and giving people in the world we just have to do a lot of digging to find them.
@@cianajames55 I’m sorry you deal with this 😞 I have cut ties with many including my ex husband and bf and the ones that I can’t get away from cuz I live with them I have learned that they can’t help themselves. Deep down they are unhappy and empty. They need you to fill themselves up. Keep your focus on God (if you believe). Keep growing and getting stronger and wiser :) Get what you need elsewhere! There are caring and giving people in the world we just have to do a lot of digging to find them.
Nope. They will never change. Sad reality. I just have to stay away from them. They are horrible . My therapist kept saying that to me......"none of the attacks are actually about you". To depersonalize and respond don't react. I am just exhausted from being their punching bag. I had to step away from their toxicity.
Good for you stepping back. Strong move. -@Diane continue to react might mean you are wounded and not able to get into the observer mode. Hope you have been able to take time to heal and realize folks aren't making personal attacks against you. Be gentle w you ✨️ 💕 May you heal and be happy!
It’s so funny …anyone who knew me, prior to narc abuse and education about them, knew I was the nicest person anyone could meet. I’ve been told so on many occasions, and people always wanted to be around me. Post narc abuse and education about them, I have one simple rule, if I have ANY red flags about an individual, I don’t care who they are, they will become invisible to me. I ignore and act like they don’t exist. I’m almost 40, and I’ve learned enough about people to trust my instincts. If it’s meant for them to be in my life, God will have them reappear, until then, it’s like they were never born!
Yes! I know this transformation. I was a people-pleaser, but not a push-over. My gut had told me something was off with the Narcissist/OCPD colleague soon after they were hired, but I shrugged it off to maintain peace. Their aloof overstepping of boundaries gradually increased to abusive, entitled interpersonal control issues about my individual rights as a freaking human. Once I learned it might be a personality disorder, I learned to Grey Rock and I haven't stopped. I trust my gut now with every other person that seems off and entitled to my time, and I aloofly ignore them as aloofly as they don't understand normal boundaries.
My favorite quote from Jordan B Peterson: “If people aren’t listening to you stop talking to them because if you stop talking to them and start watching them instead, they will tell you what they’re up to. With the ones that aren’t listening pull back because you’re devaluing what you have to say by offering it to an audience that does nothing but reject it. So pull back.” I tried this just yesterday and it worked. Along with “remembering their pain” as Stephanie said, and with Peterson’s “Pull back” it helped me to recognize a toxic person is a person in pain who was trying to pull me in, so then I was able to pull back and disengage w/o resentment. In that moment, thank GOD, I felt in control of myself and I could feel there was a quiet-confidence that began to grow inside of me.😊
I pray that will happen for me tomorrow. I have mediation with a narc neighbour tomorrow. I am so Shakey inside, cause I know how they lie and twist everything back onto you. 🙏
The Gray Rock Method/Technique👍 A Bruce Lee quote: "One of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm. Calm is a Superpower."💪👍
I called the police on my brother fours months ago, best thing l ever did! Now l have some peace, he don't bother me as much any more. Now l wish l had of done it 20 years ago!
This lady preys on, violates, steals from, exploits, defames, and enslaves strangers for years to build and maintain her platform. It's definitely hypocrisy, definitely narcissism, definitely fraudulent, abusive, and psychopathy.
If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, then you’re probably giving it to the wrong person. 💙RUclipsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
This is exactly right!!!!! When I realized the narcissist in my life was deliberately attempting to get a reaction out of me it helped to not react. But we have to be on our toes, because they will use the sweet/mean cycle we become off guard thinking they have changed when they have not and the toxic mess comes out all over again. The narcissist is causing their own hurt by being so selfish. I have seen the more we cry or react in hurt the worse the narcissist becomes. When we cry, the silent treatment will last a few days longer than if we don't cry. They love the power of hurt and fear over us.
Yep i am experiencing this for past half year. All of it tipping on my toes and expecting next battle. At the point of asking my self why would I continue doing this … 🙄 It’s just - the person is hurting so much inside… but i just think that and do not react.
It’s true. I’ve become calmer and know even before hand what tactic they’re gonna use. They can’t get me to lower my boundaries anymore. I’m not allowing myself to be guilt tripped or manipulated anymore. They like drama and reactions! Yup!
Being non reactive is a super power and you definitely can get good at it... I don't react anymore and don't even feel anything, ever since I realized my partner yells and sounds crabby when he's stressed. It used to bother me. Now it doesn't at all. It's as common as a little suns-hower or even a thunderstorm, and it has nothing to do with me, and it's not personal. His venting is stress related.
Easier said than done...Thanks Stephanie. It just means "having to be on your guard at all times so you are not caught 'off guard' when dealing with these people..."
I think that it is about getting better at doing it over time. I am facing similar challenge in my life. What I see is to reflect on what did go well and what did not go well and get better at it. It is challenging and sometimes I want to give up. However, it is worthwhile effort to get what I want, which is healthier relationship I have with myself and the other person, which leaving the other person is very costly for me and I am not willing to choose that path yet.
It's over the top exspectations & removing them from our lives in every way possible makes more sense. No way can I stop each harm and attack from them, no matter who you are. Identity theft. Reputation, family & romantic relationships, children being abused, parents, friends, neighbors, doctor & career harm, credit harm ect.... They never end. Them not knowing where or how to show you they can keep it going for their destructive evil trip power is best. Unless legal actions & law suite and serious trust worthy exsposure in writing & video & legal records or criminal records on them delivered to & showed to their job, school, housing management, business, family, friends, neighbors, doctors ect ,is important to help squash their being stable or trustworthy to others & realize they can lose the most from continued attacks & harm toward you. Them going off to another supply to victimize hopefully who will wake up & deliver them a serious cost & results to their evil Narcissist job on them next 👀👁️.
I have learned that the most powerful responses from me to a toxic person are the natural spontaneous ones. They come forth from a deep true essence in me. It doesn't come from my thinking or emotions at all. Sometimes they are said in a calm way, sometimes humorous, sometimes extremely angry. But, they always are effective in deeply throwing a wrench in the others spinning wheel of nonsense. It literally stops them in their tracks. The more I meditate regularly the more that occurs, because obviously I am more grounded in that deeper energy. When I don't experience those spontaneous responses, and dealing with a toxic co-worker for example, I just ignore the comment entirely. Like it wasn't even said. I have no desire to even validate their verbal insecurity vomitting with a response. They are on their own in their self-inflicted sickness. We all have the capacity to grow-up in ourselves. It is an inside job entirely. Anymore, I have zero time for any personal relationship with a person who refuses to do any inner work, and grow-up.
I found what works best for me is realistic expectations, limited access to me, and boundaries. I’ll never forget when I was venting to my cousin about my mom and how she will antagonize you until you respond and she was like you need to stand your ground and have a conversation woman to woman. Then a few months later some drama happened within our family and she was involved and my mom targeted her she was so triggered she called my brother crying to defend her. I was sitting there thinking to myself what happened to all that woman to woman conversation you were talking about. It’s impossible to have an adult conversation with someone that behaves that way.
@Alex Atkins I understand what you're saying about your mom. It was just me and my brother in my he was the Golden boy I was the black sheep of the even to this day. I don't know why but everybody always went along with my mom no matter how wrong she was or how bad she acted they always went along with her and treated me the same way she did all because they knew it made her happy. My mom is a narcissist and she would get everybody in the family to follow behind her and treat me the way she did. 55 years later I me to stay in and started standing up for myself and oh gosh things went from really bad to disastrous. I couldn't take it anymore. She's very evil very spiteful I could see this woman literally destroying my name and my reputation and I still allowed her to come around seeing her do that. She never wanted people to like me or have anything to do with me she wanted people to have nothing but bad thoughts of me. She always had the support of my brother. As long as she's alive she'll never let my name rest. I don't understand people that will go along with somebody and be against and mean to another person who doesn't deserve itthe whole family had eyes they could see all these years even as a child they could see but still went along with her outsiders could too. Now I'm trying to recover from it all I'm really angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated this way by her and my family I'm mad at myself for continuing as an adult to be around her when I could see the lies she was telling on me and how she destroyed my name and reputation from the lies she spoke on me. Sorry didn't mean for this to be this long I just wanted to let you know I understand I really do. In my experience I would say distance depending how bad it is permanent distance and go and live your life and don't allow her to destroy it like I let my mom do before I finally stood up. Good luck to you and best wishes
Alex, I'm so sorry but I loled at "what happened to the woman to woman conversation" bit. Advice is so easy to dish out when others don't truly understand till they experience it. Narcissists are soul destroying. It's just a question of how much of you is left when you get out. Narcissistic parents are the absolute worst, because they start on you at your most vulnerable and trusting: childhood. I'm so glad you're handling this. No contact works for me. I ignore their existence. Once I know what you are I don't care about being agreeable to an evil person.
@@butterflies1675I think we must have had the same mom. I understand, more than I can say, what you went through. They are evil beyond belief. It's unreal. Mine is very religious too. Few people can see her for what she is: how poisonous she is. She tried to isolate me back then, trying to destroy my name and reputation to anyone who showed me even a little love, kindness or respect. She wanted darkness in my life. I put a stop to it by leaving, cutting her off for years. I resumed the relationship, but on my terms. I rarely see her. I was eaten up by rage and bitterness, especially since no one really understood what she had done. But I healed. I'm mostly healed but not entirely. I still seek validation and approval from people, the love she denied me. But I'm working on it. I know how much you've been hurt, believe me. I know the evil that was in your life for so long, trying to destroy you, to make you useless to the world. You're strong. She and others like her won't win. I love you. I hope you fully heal.
Butterflies, Horrible people always get everyone else on their side. Other people just Go Along. Put them all on Ignore, and live in happiness and peace. Music! Movies! Decluttering! Reading! Cat!
@@butterflies1675 I am happy for you that you stood up! You did it -well done! Your family must not have known what hit them - it will have registered somewhere in their heads that they misused you & you are not a sheep! Now you are living your life on your terms. Enjoy your life!
Thank you. Remembering to forgive their pain is a big key to overcoming the abuse they inflict. “Love them anyway” but step out of victimhood. Love from afar.
Stephanie has preyed on, violated, stolen from, exploited, defamed, and enslaved strangers for years because she has 24/7 access to their lives. There is no overcoming her abuse until she is stopped and held accountable for her actions. She can't talk about people stepping out of victimhood when she is the abuser.
No, you don't owe sincerity to the insincere or love to those who are incapable of it. They conspire against their own infant children and will expect pity at the funeral of a child that has self cancelled because of the Narcissists behaviour. I watched one go to visit their ex wife dying of liver cancer who they had driven to alcoholism in hospital. As soon as he realised she'd drank all the money and he'd been left nothing he got up and left, as soon as he realised that no one was going to give him sympathy for his dying ex wife it was like she'd never existed. What is it you think you will be loving from afar?
My current husband has narcissistic traits but not full blown and it's very hard. I've learned to ALWAYS be kind even when it's hard, a lot of times they react very negative over small issues and you want to lash back but continue to speak kind words only NECESSARY things, and facts. Don't mention your feelings or emotions. Bring to their attention immediately when they are stepping out your boundaries and make clear they need to calm down and remain respectful if they want the relationship work and proceed talking thru the issue kindly. As women this is where our gentleness and calmness works magic.
I've improved at being non-reactive and not giving away my power, but then toxic people walk away claiming there's no spark as I become less reactive, more easy going, less clingy or emotional and I struggle with that. I should see they want toxic drama as you said. The high highs, low lows. I should be glad not giving them that makes them not like me, but it isn't always easy sometimes to accept they're that messed up
You are so spot on with everything you talk about 👍 I dated a narcissist's for about 7 years & she turned out bat shit crazy, the last year was hell with her, between the cheating, stealing of my money, lying, illegal drug use & constantly intoxicated, & mental & physical abuse, I asked her to leave, that didn't go over very well, I've been free for 3 years now & have got my life back together, keep up the great work on you're podcasts, 👍😊
Perfect. I like to add something. If you taking what others say or do personally it's because you value what others beliefs more than what you believe of yourself. Insecurities that you may have, may be because you think that your own truth is less valuable than the rest or because your feel that you depends on others. If the voice of others ocuppies more time in your head that your own voice its never going to be possible not react. Thanks
Realizing THIS, years ago back, thankfully I'd read enough self help books to understand this one. This is A MAGIC KEY, people. You can ONLY control YOUR REACTION. Best case scenario. What's YOUR response? Its the ONLY thing you have control over. Make friends with it. Oh how it saves you stress in the long run. It's THEIR issue, not yours. BRAVO! 🌺
Wow. I’ve watched so many of your videos but this one really broke it down and made things clear. I’ve realized I’ve been in a relationship with a manipulative person. When we get in disagreements, my partner starts to guilt and shame me, and stonewalling me. He’ll manipulate me to the point where I feel like everything’s my fault, I’m going crazy, and that I’m a bad person. I realized I do want him to change. I take everything personally when really he’s just saying hurtful things cuz he’s hurt inside and isn’t getting what he wants. Good thing is I’m starting to realize this pattern. Thank you for this wisdom 💎
Right, because they’re not Necessarily always going to be there for you see you have to take good care of yourself because you deserve it. I would give away so much energy and it would make me so angry, I’m really going to practice that’s the best I can.
thank you so much for this Stephanie! It's taken me a full YEAR to heal from this EXACT KIND OF ABUSE! literally everything you said 🤯 you have been helping me more than you know! Many blessings to you!
Super huge changer in my situation when I did this. I’m beginning to realize when I get triggered it’s time to walk away, work it out in my mind, clarify the truth, then return detached and refuse to get into his game.
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I am so thankful for this episode. Dr Ramani has literally saved my sanity. I think I’m gonna add this Lady to my listening life also. I have a road trip coming up in a YEAR! Yes, you heard me, a YEAR. And I’m already stressed about it. I’m going to gain this golden knowledge all year long and then I’m going to track her pattern while we are together and I need to learn how to NOT react to her baiting which she is famous for. We got this Scapegoats. And I love and feel for all of us. We are not broken. We are amazing people and thank God we aren’t the Golden children. I was able to escape because I’m the scapegoat. My Sister who I’m going to travel with in a year is the Golden child Narc. And she has been replaced by our Narc Fathers new daughters 🤣🤣 Justice
I was always a gentle person who never thought of mean things to do. You are correct in that it may be fight or flight forever . Get a grip, and thanks for good information. Don’t overreact and be sad.
I'm grateful you came up in my feed. I did this last night and I was met with the tantrum..but I was able to remain calm and aware in the moment. Thank you for explaining how to be assertive within this situation. It's a huge life lesson that's so very valuable.
When a person is RAGING in real time & you the innocent person observing what is happening isn’t as easy as you describe in my experience - the raging can go on for a lot of the time like hour sometimes or more & it’s evil& the narcissist cannot control oneself ; it escalates to physical violence when disengaging & when the innocent person states how we feel they are in their ego and cannot process at all & it’s all reaction ; it’s a RAGE - super calm wont fix it; boundaries out the window -
My experience in talking to a narcissist about my needs, wants and boundaries, etc. (when it has no advantage for them) is equivalent to drawing a smiley face on a wall and talking to it. TOTAL waste of time. I also experience that when I believed I had an agreement with a narcissist, they will let you think they agree with you but at the end they never had intentions to go through with your ideas and abandon it. I now realize my frustrations and anger is not with them as it is actually with myself because of my rose color glasses. But no, it doesn’t mean that I need to stop seeing the good in people, but it does mean I need to pay attention to how I feel and do something about it that will make me feel whole again. I’ve learned so much from this and other podcasts. Thank you for your wonderful information !!!❤
These videos are giving me so much courage to leave my husband. I didn’t realize until now I am living with a narcissist. One time he had me crouched on the ground screaming his head off, on top of me telling me I was so weak and stupid. In public, no one stepped in to help. I was so scared of him. All this stemming from a small argument at the grocery store earlier. I can’t believe I stayed all this time… now it’s harder to leave after 3 years but I’m trying
My mind is blown because the scenario you described is something I experienced this past week. My partner was literally fine one moment and then did a complete 360 degree turn in a matter of moments when he realized something wasn’t going the way he wanted. I realize now that my anger and response was mostly related to my own want for him to recognize his immature, selfish attitude. He is clueless and still thinks he didn’t do anything wrong. I told him straight up he was being an ass hole and I would not stand for his behavior and that if he wanted to leave he should do that. I disengaged and walked away. The negativity is real for me. If I sense his negativity- I’m quickly triggered.
So helpful 🙏thank you Stephanie.... I am 10 years and 2 kids in with a full blown narssacist. Ive been denying myself and what I felt for 9 of those years. I really can't do it no more. Ive felt so low many days, my fears suggested suicide many times.. but I am very informed and very powerfull. I'm working thru my fears of leaving. It is a painful process but I do understand it... to anybody who is going thru this situation. You are not crazy. You are actually beautiful, and that person is unable to see that beauty in you. Thier are a infinite amount of possibilities outside the limits of your fears but don't trust me trust yourself. You are always taken care of in love. :')
This has helped me so much but I still replay it at least once or twice a week to keep myself in check so it will just become second nature to me . 🙏👍🏼❤️
Good explanation of taking something personally. Something I struggled with for so long. Once I understood the concept, my life became so much better. My reactions were so much better and I did feel better about myself.
You're 💯 on the money... it's text book! 🙄 It's hard when you get to the point that you realize there are no more chances for change & that this person will never change & that they cannot give you what they don't have to give. It's especially hard when it's a family member...it changes the way your world looks - even though I'm more at peace without having them in my life. But yes.. you're so right & I'm thankful to have found your channel... thank you!
If you want to quickly disarm any toxically inclined behavior or truly toxic then the key is self-awareness. Self-awareness in my opinion starts with being brutally honest with yourself about who you are (this excludes any type of generalization and requires specificity of negative character traits). So when a narc starts calling you out or projecting, for example, "you can be vindictive, stubborn and superficial, you can easily say, "yes, that is right. is there anything new about myself that I need to know? (yes I can be even envious but those are not my core traits). He was immediately deflected. This worked for me because I knew myself. I faced my shadow. I admitted to myself the garbage that I have. So if anyone, even my mother or a friend, tries to manipulate me, I WILL BE aware. Because when you own your BS you are at peace and less reactive and more prone to respond. So when they see that you respond, and respond well which takes time and practice, then they give up on you more and more. This is also called authenticity. You gain it thorough self-knowledge. This works even better if you know what your core two or three problems are, like e.g. anger, indecisiveness, impatience. You work with those, try to find reasons why you have those three core problems. That is how the process goes.
So true! You will be shocked how they could seem to be different. They know exactly how to make you feel happy. The abuse gets worst before it’s really over . 😢❤ thanks for this !!
By becoming non-reactive, we disarm the narcissist and create a space for healing and growth within ourselves. It's a journey that requires strength, self-awareness, and self-love, but the rewards are immeasurable. Thank you for sharing this unique perspective and empowering us to take back our power from narcissistic individuals. Let's apply these strategies and continue the path of self-liberation, reclaiming our happiness and well-being.
Spot on... I started focusing on myself first, then ignored, non responsive, non reactive to the ex wife and ex narc father. It's definitely allowed me to forgive them both and myself for allowing it to happen in the past to me. My best advice is focusing on yourself makes you move forward. When you do good for you and have control over your life it's shows you are moving in the positive path forward. Better to sit back at wait and just let it play out on its own.
My narcissist father continues to invalidate me still at the age of 55. His untrue, and bad perceptions of me are really hard to process. He just told me I didn’t go to college, I DID go for two full years, but because I didn’t graduate I “only went for a little while” and he thinks he paid for it! When I paid every dime. Wtf how do I keep this relationship!
I love this , let me listen again . I always over explain and then get frustrated, get angry and lost my cool. Disengage and stop talking will be my next tool .
This video couldn’t have showed up in my suggestions at a better time. My step daughter is getting married Friday and her mother, I truly believe, is not only a narcissist but a sociopath to boot. She doesn’t care about anyone’s feeling but her own and she definitely enjoys watching and living in the chaos she creates. I’ve cried so many times and have essentially given all of my power away. There is no reasoning with her. There is no middle ground. It’s always ALL about her. Not to mention that my step daughter is on the spectrum and I have felt like for the last year and a half I have had to step in and make sure she is being listened to and what she wants is honored. But it’s been so disheartening and difficult having a narcissist trying to bend everyone, including her own daughter, to her will. God I needed to get that out. But thank you thank you for making this video. You’ve helped me slow down, take a deep breath and have given me that little push I needed to take care of my self, my children and the rest of my family. Excellent video. Praying for you and all of you out there who are struggling with a narcissist. It’s horrible and I pray you all take your power back and remember the great advice in this video. Because I know, if you are watching this video, you are having a rough go at it. You are NOT ALONE!!! Love and blessings to all of you!
As someone on the spectrum, thank you for looking out for your stepdaughter. I find that I grew up obviously with difficulty reading people and it made me a greater target for bullies and even narcissistic types. I am now doing my own research (I am good at research!), and it's helping. But thank you for working to help someone who might have been even a little more vulnerable to predatory people. And I think that goes double when you grow up with a really sadistic or cruel parent because that's what is modeled for you! 🫂
This video is spot on. After our breakup my partner became a stranger. The dishonesty, the temper tantrums. He craves my heartbreak acts out seeking sexual attention from others. A problem that existed throughout our relationship. Why did I stay?? The highs were high. I have never loved or been loved like that before. His love was a drug and I wanted it. I was addicted. A roller coaster ride with no seat belt. He is textbook narcissist and I codependent. My biggest surprise?? I became the enemy. He did not care about what we had what I gave all the good times all the love for none of it was real. My self-doubt is now a constant. Listen to this video over and over!! Regain some control and hopefully get one step closer to healing. Love to all of you reading and listening ~~
Yes! I struggled with this a lot. I didn’t know I was in a narcissistic relationship been in one for 15 years, and everytime I would confront the issue that was bothering me , he always try’s to flip the script and shift it over as if it’s me , “oh well if it hurts you so much that I’m looking at other girls why don’t you gain some weight and look your age, do something about your appearance” and that would hurt me so much. Now I’m understanding his ways and not letting it cut so deep
Married to one for 34 years , they never change its like a malfunction of the brain seriously. I deal with mine differently..When he starts his shit I just shut him down immediately.. I just tell him what I and am not gonna do then I stick by it.. He also knows if he keeps on badgering me I leave , he HATES being alone.. I stay gone for hours , whatever plans ( eating out , shopping , whatever ) will be cancelled unless he calls me and apologizes then he knows not to mess with me again.. I have to do it pretty regularly cause they DONT change but it happens less.
Yes to this. If a toxic person would benefit from learning that the world doesn't owe them anything, YOU have to appreciate that the toxic person does not owe you anything not even civility. If you can really buy this you can disempower toxicity completely. I often found myself saying "you have to understand that there are boundaries, things you can't say, rules of the road, acceptable / unacceptable modes of communication". Toxic people don't have to understand any of that. They have no obligation to change to self reflect. They don't owe you any of that. Nor do you owe them anything. Disengage.
I tried this with my narsisistic ex husband. When I gave the silent treatment, he would rev up his actions of making me feel like it wasn't bothering him and that I was invisible or non existent. He would go around the house whistling and dominate interacting with the children. This made me feel even worse.
Love your work😍 After I have been watching your videos and others in youtube for 8 months I am having more control. I observe their street circus, and remain peaceful. Proud of myself. Thanks🌹
Ive learnt about narc abuse for over a year now, and have been healing from my childhood trauma that was by a narc parent for almost 3 in total. Not taking their baits is really important. But by the way, it isnt about control at times. Sometimes its about respecting boundaries in a shared space. For instance, i told 2 girls that where hogging the floor everynight if they could share the time at a meeting i go to which is supposed to be a safe place. After that they have been so passive aggressive, crocodile tears , manipulating and doing the things that my valid request asked them more slily and passively agressively and dogwhistling etc, triangulating too. It never was about contrlling them. Because boundaries aren't about that, but out of claiming peoples rights , like sharing the time to speak in a shared space (virtually). Whats funny is that people agreed with me that night. And thought it was a good idea , and a valid request, to share the space, we're all humans and this was a sort of support group for childhood trauma, so more importantly its a place were we should not only get these boundaries but be mindful of others needs or that we didnt get some of these things growing up and we're trying to heal from that so it would be good to be mindful. It wasnt about controlling. Another person, now they're doing everything on the book to try and get a reaction. And i see it, and the crocodile tears and everything. They're escalating it. Im being careful how not to give them supply. Its getting a little bit heated, and im going to try to disengage maybe as was said here though i have already. Its difficult when there are avid toxic manipulators and they can even gang up in numbers or have flying monkeys. I can disengage, and take care of myself, not take baits. And focus on my self , my boundaries , my inner child and continuous healing.
@@damienwelch9067 learning to respond directly and clearly and to the point and then disengaging, when the world salada comes has been helpful, ans i get to speak my truth and then disengage. We are worth it, and lets keep healing with gentleness humor love and respect.... Take care , God speed everybody wer are worth it. with gentleness humort love respect attunement and integrity to my inner child and taking my space and choosing safe enough connection , we are worth it. Cousins. Let them, keep their toxic gunk, we can speak our truth and then disengage, be gentle on ourselves honor ourselves and inner children with healthy boundaries, when we need them,and keep finding safe enough other people to share with and get connection thats corregulating,we are worth it, cousins.
I do agree with Stephanie in regards to, how to respond to toxic people. They learn that their tactics are no longer effective. They will not change but, modify their conversations a bit.
I've been clean almost 10 years, have done a decade of emotional healing, still learning myself. Its difficult because Im sandwiched between my mom & daughter narcissistic behavior. I used to be one also. Oh boy, they throw a lot of tantrums its pretty sad because its like dealing with a 5 year old. They don't know anything about boundaries at all, I literally say the boundary and walk away instead of letting it provok me....yes its a demon!!!! And they let it live in their heart! they don't think anything is wrong with them, its me because I won't allow it to provoke me...I let go of control
I already have identified their behaviour and I walk away but it's still hard to live with it even walking away, hard when it's a live in family member. Thanks for your help 💜
Hi Stephanie, Thank you , thank you. This video came up on my phone, at the perfect time. I was armed and loaded with the knowledge I needed to reply to an email from my ex. He was trying to draw me back in with the usual , future faking, manipulation, guilting etc. ❤❤❤❤
Thanks!!!!!!! You have been thee only one that has exactly explained it to the Most Highest Level and i’ve practiced this by mistake and it worked so know i know!!!! I have to stop 🛑 react dealing with nieghbor & partner at same time this is extremely difficult
Wow, thank you. Just the video I needed today, Stephanie.❤️ I’m struggling with how to deal with my 85yr mum who is by the book doing everything a narcissist does & is what she has been doing for my life when I look back but didn’t realise until I went to therapy. Basically I completely caved in at Christmas. I’ve gone no contact since. But interacting if I have to is what I am dreading as I didn’t know how to keep my cool when she goes into her evil mode. Your videos really help, but it’s scary & upsetting how you literally quote my mum in what she says and does.
I am not at all trying to discount the harshness that you have experienced through out. However, at least with my own mother, most of her current "ugliness" comes from the affect of alzheimer that she has. Initially when we didn't understand what was going on, she just seemed so much more hateful. Anyway...like I said, I'm not trying to invalidate your experience at all. It's just maybe there is something more of her current state than narcissism, given her age. Good luck to your own healing process. Love and light always.
@@cicinomaden Thank you. Yes , Alzheimer's can bring the worst in some people and I am sorry you had to experience that. Hope you are healing and coping as well. Good luck to you too :)
@@cicinomaden it’s a valid comment and one my wife & I have debated. & so sorry you had to go through this with your family. But when we watch these RUclipss and I have my therapy I can look back at least 25yrs and there is not one thing I have done that she has supported or when I really needed her validation she has put me down. On the contrary to how she treats my brother. I think I switched from golden child to scapegoat when I came out of the Royal Navy & my brother joined the Police (my late Dad’s job) since then she has fitted the Narc brief 100%. To the point where on our last meeting I had to listen to how wonderful & amazing my sister in law was & beautiful grandchildren & the very next thing she was belittling my wife saying how she is a poor dog trainer, calling our dogs (we dont have children) “out of control “. That was my last straw
Good advice and because I have got cptsd from past abuse my limbic system goes into fear mode. I can not react outwardly, but inside my gut is churning. Especially when these narcs break the law, I still need to keep myself safe.
You described and Prescribed the BEST method of dealing w my sister when she calls. Think she ever bothers to come visit me? Once a year if I am "lucky" What she does is call every other month or so and start babbling on about some Political figure or complaining about a work situation. It really hurts bc I have to accept that she doesn't really want to know me, just uses me as a Dumping site. I will NO LONGER accept being treated like dirt! Thank you for this game changer, Stephanie! I have been listening to Jerry Wise and last time she called I tried the tactic of DISENGAGING. I was flatline when she called and didn't play the role of "acting happy" that she called. When I talked, I kept it impersonal and or one word / one sentence answers. I think she pretty much crumbled. Don't know what her next move will be, but I will BE READY!
I know someone who through out their young life were passed from one family member to another and they had to be a parent to their own parents along with be responsible for their siblings. All family members pretty much look to them for advice and now on their job they are over a team of people. This feeds into them. They happened to be very smart and this also feeds into that type of Personality that they have. When I'm in their present sometimes I feel that I am Superior to you attitude and then other times I don't since that. Mind you they call other people narcissist Dealing with someone like that is exhausting. But I don't have a problem with calling them on it because I don't want to have to have that kind of relationship with someone. There's a slickness that is really annoying. I really hope they can see themselves and get well. Great video
Thank you for making this video. This video help me understand how to respond and to react. I used to take things very seriously but I have learned to claim down and really understand what is going on with the people who is making my life crazy.
When a narcissist says something inappropriate, act as though they didn't say what they said or that you are hard-of-hearing or stupid or don't understand irony or sarcasm. Then respond by walking away or saying something that is totally unrelated to what they have just said. Eg. Narc: Why did you buy green towels? No one uses green towels anymore. They look hideous. You:. Oh, about every half an hour this time of day I think. But I haven't caught a train in a long time so you might want to Google it or get a timetable from the railway station. This illogical response will really annoy them and frustrate them and if you keep on doing it over and over again, they will get sick of you and give up.
I wish I knew how to deal with someone who uses my weaknesses against me. I don’t always remember what was said in the last conversation exactly, I only know my intentions so they use my words to paint me in a different light and when I attempt to clarify my position they bring up past shortcomings, particularly times when I was inattentive or in human error to make it as though I have no say in the matter. Because I own my mistakes they take it as a win and tell me that I can’t be trusted and that my opinions don’t matter.
You can’t deal w someone who does this because they’re “undealable”. When this was explained to me I rejected it because I want to get through, I want to fix it. They’re not cooperative.
Personally feels like they’re trying to shine light on ur flaws instead of having any self awareness so they can be able to ignore their own. I hope u can ignore people like that bc if they’re more focused on dragging someone down to their level instead of being a better person, they’re toxic and u should run away from them and grow yourself.
Nothing feels as good as remaining calm when someone expects you to react.
Well said
Cont...like i dont give a crap!!!💩💩💩💩💩 drives him up the freakin wall!! Feels like power!!!💜🙏🏼🤗🙏🏿🎵😁💜💜
I did this yesterday when my ex tried to trigger me in court .. just giving a pokerface works well . He tried so hard to get me to react to his so called new life , I didn't even flinch because I have my happiness.
@@JB-mo8ir it’s called gray 🪨. Be as interesting as a gray rock. No emotions
@@anastasiakemp3430 if he gets a reaction out of you that means he matters in his sick head
“When you react to someone you are wanting them to change”❤
Nothings wrong with wanting them to change, the problem is, they won’t. And there’s nothing you can do. Let it Go 🌬️
@@dsmusicbird when you’re truly “cured” and free, you will literally not care whether they change or not. You will just get away from everyone like this from now on.
People like this will suck your soul dry. I’m exhausted. 🥺
If you let them, they surely will. Arming oneself with knowledge about their ways, is one of the best things a person can do. I’ve learned so much about the narcs in my life, and I promise, I have become a great enemy to them. Now, they’ve been avoiding me.😂😂😂
True
Run
🍀
“It’s not my responsibility to teach someone right or wrong.”
Exactly.
🍀Amen
My best defense against narcissists is an “I don’t care” attitude. If they are doing something hurtful and antagonizing I tell myself in my head “I don’t care what you say, think or feel”. And then act or speak accordingly. I am DONE reacting to this toxic world. I really do wish they would stop though but since they won’t and can’t , keyword CANT, I have to change myself.
I am with you. It is sooooo draining and I feel that I am at my breaking point.
They're like little demons poking at you with a fork lol my sibling my whole life till this day and we're in our fifties 😆
@@jencaragia 😆 That’s a great way to imagine it! I guess if we can’t change it, it’s best to make light of it! I’m sorry you have a sis who deals with that, I empathize! Why does this to have to exist.. why can’t people just be nice and caring!
@@cianajames55 I’m sorry you deal with this 😞 I have cut ties with many including my ex husband and bf and the ones that I can’t get away from cuz I live with them I have learned that they can’t help themselves. Deep down they are unhappy and empty. They need you to fill themselves up. Keep your focus on God (if you believe). Keep growing and getting stronger and wiser :) Get what you need elsewhere! There are caring and giving people in the world we just have to do a lot of digging to find them.
@@cianajames55 I’m sorry you deal with this 😞 I have cut ties with many including my ex husband and bf and the ones that I can’t get away from cuz I live with them I have learned that they can’t help themselves. Deep down they are unhappy and empty. They need you to fill themselves up. Keep your focus on God (if you believe). Keep growing and getting stronger and wiser :) Get what you need elsewhere! There are caring and giving people in the world we just have to do a lot of digging to find them.
Nope. They will never change. Sad reality. I just have to stay away from them. They are horrible . My therapist kept saying that to me......"none of the attacks are actually about you". To depersonalize and respond don't react. I am just exhausted from being their punching bag. I had to step away from their toxicity.
Same here
Same here. Best decision ever.
So true keep away
Has anyone had trouble being non reactive to others once they are out of a narcissistic relationship
Good for you stepping back. Strong move.
-@Diane continue to react might mean you are wounded and not able to get into the observer mode. Hope you have been able to take time to heal and realize folks aren't making personal attacks against you. Be gentle w you ✨️ 💕 May you heal and be happy!
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. ~Prov 4:23
Yes! Amen!
A direct word from God. I so needed that today.
Thank you for sharing those precious words 💕 bless you
Do something special for yourself today x
YES!
AMEN!!! ❤
It’s so funny …anyone who knew me, prior to narc abuse and education about them, knew I was the nicest person anyone could meet. I’ve been told so on many occasions, and people always wanted to be around me. Post narc abuse and education about them, I have one simple rule, if I have ANY red flags about an individual, I don’t care who they are, they will become invisible to me. I ignore and act like they don’t exist. I’m almost 40, and I’ve learned enough about people to trust my instincts. If it’s meant for them to be in my life, God will have them reappear, until then, it’s like they were never born!
Yes yes yes
That's a path I wanna be on now, thrown myself under the bus too long
This helps me a lot. Thanks!
Yes! I know this transformation. I was a people-pleaser, but not a push-over. My gut had told me something was off with the Narcissist/OCPD colleague soon after they were hired, but I shrugged it off to maintain peace. Their aloof overstepping of boundaries gradually increased to abusive, entitled interpersonal control issues about my individual rights as a freaking human. Once I learned it might be a personality disorder, I learned to Grey Rock and I haven't stopped. I trust my gut now with every other person that seems off and entitled to my time, and I aloofly ignore them as aloofly as they don't understand normal boundaries.
No longer the LOVING person we were, but learned to loving oneself in a painful way.
My favorite quote from Jordan B Peterson:
“If people aren’t listening to you stop talking to them because if you stop talking to them and start watching them instead, they will tell you what they’re up to. With the ones that aren’t listening pull back because you’re devaluing what you have to say by offering it to an audience that does nothing but reject it. So pull back.”
I tried this just yesterday and it worked. Along with “remembering their pain” as Stephanie said, and with Peterson’s “Pull back” it helped me to recognize a toxic person is a person in pain who was trying to pull me in, so then I was able to pull back and disengage w/o resentment. In that moment, thank GOD, I felt in control of myself and I could feel there was a quiet-confidence that began to grow inside of me.😊
WARNING. THE STEPHANIE THAT RESPONDED TO YOUR COMMENT IS A SCAMMER. THAT WASN'T THE REAL STEPHANIE.
@@andreaanonymous5474 TY. It must’ve been removed bcz it’s no longer on this thread except for another annoying spam-scammer. 💟
Can u give me this Jordan Peterson video?
That's amazing. So encouraging. Thank you for sharing 😊
I pray that will happen for me tomorrow. I have mediation with a narc neighbour tomorrow. I am so Shakey inside, cause I know how they lie and twist everything back onto you. 🙏
The Gray Rock Method/Technique👍
A Bruce Lee quote: "One of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm. Calm is a Superpower."💪👍
This woman helped me to overcome my brother. I never knew what I was dealing with. But it’s definitely narcissism
narcissistic personality is just a piece of major issue. BPD or Autism can be the bigger picture to Narcissistic personality
@@stingray9126 I agree
I called the police on my brother fours months ago, best thing l ever did! Now l have some peace, he don't bother me as much any more. Now l wish l had of done it 20 years ago!
This lady preys on, violates, steals from, exploits, defames, and enslaves strangers for years to build and maintain her platform. It's definitely hypocrisy, definitely narcissism, definitely fraudulent, abusive, and psychopathy.
My brother was a narc as well. He died in January this year. Alone.
If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, then you’re probably giving it to the wrong person.
💙RUclipsr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Too bad frauds like Stephanie take it all, exploit it all, destroy it all for years, and have no accountability for any of it.
This is exactly right!!!!! When I realized the narcissist in my life was deliberately attempting to get a reaction out of me it helped to not react. But we have to be on our toes, because they will use the sweet/mean cycle we become off guard thinking they have changed when they have not and the toxic mess comes out all over again. The narcissist is causing their own hurt by being so selfish. I have seen the more we cry or react in hurt the worse the narcissist becomes. When we cry, the silent treatment will last a few days longer than if we don't cry. They love the power of hurt and fear over us.
Yep i am experiencing this for past half year. All of it tipping on my toes and expecting next battle. At the point of asking my self why would I continue doing this … 🙄
It’s just - the person is hurting so much inside… but i just think that and do not react.
Excellent observation! Thank you for sharing. GS
It’s true. I’ve become calmer and know even before hand what tactic they’re gonna use. They can’t get me to lower my boundaries anymore. I’m not allowing myself to be guilt tripped or manipulated anymore.
They like drama and reactions! Yup!
Being non reactive is a super power and you definitely can get good at it... I don't react anymore and don't even feel anything, ever since I realized my partner yells and sounds crabby when he's stressed. It used to bother me. Now it doesn't at all. It's as common as a little suns-hower or even a thunderstorm, and it has nothing to do with me, and it's not personal.
His venting is stress related.
Good stuff..thank you
I have read many of these comments; yours are my favorite! I must always remember, "It's not personal." "It's not about me!" Thank you!
Easier said than done...Thanks Stephanie. It just means "having to be on your guard at all times so you are not caught 'off guard' when dealing with these people..."
Yes and it’s exhausting
It takes alot of energy and self control.
I think that it is about getting better at doing it over time. I am facing similar challenge in my life. What I see is to reflect on what did go well and what did not go well and get better at it. It is challenging and sometimes I want to give up. However, it is worthwhile effort to get what I want, which is healthier relationship I have with myself and the other person, which leaving the other person is very costly for me and I am not willing to choose that path yet.
Yes but i did it to my husband .thank God i am out
It's over the top exspectations & removing them from our lives in every way possible makes more sense. No way can I stop each harm and attack from them, no matter who you are. Identity theft. Reputation, family & romantic relationships, children being abused, parents, friends, neighbors, doctor & career harm, credit harm ect.... They never end.
Them not knowing where or how to show you they can keep it going for their destructive evil trip power is best. Unless legal actions & law suite and serious trust worthy exsposure in writing & video & legal records or criminal records on them delivered to & showed to their job, school, housing management, business, family, friends, neighbors, doctors ect ,is important to help squash their being stable or trustworthy to others & realize they can lose the most from continued attacks & harm toward you. Them going off to another supply to victimize hopefully who will wake up & deliver them a serious cost & results to their evil Narcissist job on them next 👀👁️.
I have learned that the most powerful responses from me to a toxic person are the natural spontaneous ones. They come forth from a deep true essence in me. It doesn't come from my thinking or emotions at all. Sometimes they are said in a calm way, sometimes humorous, sometimes extremely angry. But, they always are effective in deeply throwing a wrench in the others spinning wheel of nonsense. It literally stops them in their tracks. The more I meditate regularly the more that occurs, because obviously I am more grounded in that deeper energy. When I don't experience those spontaneous responses, and dealing with a toxic co-worker for example, I just ignore the comment entirely. Like it wasn't even said. I have no desire to even validate their verbal insecurity vomitting with a response. They are on their own in their self-inflicted sickness. We all have the capacity to grow-up in ourselves. It is an inside job entirely. Anymore, I have zero time for any personal relationship with a person who refuses to do any inner work, and grow-up.
I found what works best for me is realistic expectations, limited access to me, and boundaries. I’ll never forget when I was venting to my cousin about my mom and how she will antagonize you until you respond and she was like you need to stand your ground and have a conversation woman to woman. Then a few months later some drama happened within our family and she was involved and my mom targeted her she was so triggered she called my brother crying to defend her. I was sitting there thinking to myself what happened to all that woman to woman conversation you were talking about. It’s impossible to have an adult conversation with someone that behaves that way.
@Alex Atkins
I understand what you're saying about your mom.
It was just me and my brother in my he was the Golden boy I was the black sheep of the even to this day. I don't know why but everybody always went along with my mom no matter how wrong she was or how bad she acted they always went along with her and treated me the same way she did all because they knew it made her happy. My mom is a narcissist and she would get everybody in the family to follow behind her and treat me the way she did. 55 years later I me to stay in and started standing up for myself and oh gosh things went from really bad to disastrous. I couldn't take it anymore. She's very evil very spiteful I could see this woman literally destroying my name and my reputation and I still allowed her to come around seeing her do that. She never wanted people to like me or have anything to do with me she wanted people to have nothing but bad thoughts of me. She always had the support of my brother. As long as she's alive she'll never let my name rest. I don't understand people that will go along with somebody and be against and mean to another person who doesn't deserve itthe whole family had eyes they could see all these years even as a child they could see but still went along with her outsiders could too. Now I'm trying to recover from it all I'm really angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated this way by her and my family I'm mad at myself for continuing as an adult to be around her when I could see the lies she was telling on me and how she destroyed my name and reputation from the lies she spoke on me. Sorry didn't mean for this to be this long I just wanted to let you know I understand I really do. In my experience I would say distance depending how bad it is permanent distance and go and live your life and don't allow her to destroy it like I let my mom do before I finally stood up. Good luck to you and best wishes
Alex, I'm so sorry but I loled at "what happened to the woman to woman conversation" bit. Advice is so easy to dish out when others don't truly understand till they experience it. Narcissists are soul destroying. It's just a question of how much of you is left when you get out. Narcissistic parents are the absolute worst, because they start on you at your most vulnerable and trusting: childhood. I'm so glad you're handling this. No contact works for me. I ignore their existence. Once I know what you are I don't care about being agreeable to an evil person.
@@butterflies1675I think we must have had the same mom. I understand, more than I can say, what you went through. They are evil beyond belief. It's unreal. Mine is very religious too. Few people can see her for what she is: how poisonous she is. She tried to isolate me back then, trying to destroy my name and reputation to anyone who showed me even a little love, kindness or respect. She wanted darkness in my life. I put a stop to it by leaving, cutting her off for years. I resumed the relationship, but on my terms. I rarely see her. I was eaten up by rage and bitterness, especially since no one really understood what she had done. But I healed. I'm mostly healed but not entirely. I still seek validation and approval from people, the love she denied me. But I'm working on it. I know how much you've been hurt, believe me. I know the evil that was in your life for so long, trying to destroy you, to make you useless to the world. You're strong. She and others like her won't win. I love you. I hope you fully heal.
Butterflies,
Horrible people always get everyone else on their side. Other people just Go Along.
Put them all on Ignore, and live in happiness and peace.
Music!
Movies!
Decluttering!
Reading!
Cat!
@@butterflies1675 I am happy for you that you stood up! You did it -well done! Your family must not have known what hit them - it will have registered somewhere in their heads that they misused you & you are not a sheep! Now you are living your life on your terms. Enjoy your life!
The best way to react is not to put up with their behavior. Get away from them. Live your life
Thank you. Remembering to forgive their pain is a big key to overcoming the abuse they inflict. “Love them anyway” but step out of victimhood. Love from afar.
Stephanie has preyed on, violated, stolen from, exploited, defamed, and enslaved strangers for years because she has 24/7 access to their lives. There is no overcoming her abuse until she is stopped and held accountable for her actions. She can't talk about people stepping out of victimhood when she is the abuser.
Yes!
I'm hoping to get to a place of engaging from afar. Praying 🙏 for wisdom.
That is a very good way to put it. Remembering to forgive their love them anyway but step out of being a victim. I love that
No, you don't owe sincerity to the insincere or love to those who are incapable of it. They conspire against their own infant children and will expect pity at the funeral of a child that has self cancelled because of the Narcissists behaviour. I watched one go to visit their ex wife dying of liver cancer who they had driven to alcoholism in hospital. As soon as he realised she'd drank all the money and he'd been left nothing he got up and left, as soon as he realised that no one was going to give him sympathy for his dying ex wife it was like she'd never existed. What is it you think you will be loving from afar?
My current husband has narcissistic traits but not full blown and it's very hard. I've learned to ALWAYS be kind even when it's hard, a lot of times they react very negative over small issues and you want to lash back but continue to speak kind words only NECESSARY things, and facts. Don't mention your feelings or emotions. Bring to their attention immediately when they are stepping out your boundaries and make clear they need to calm down and remain respectful if they want the relationship work and proceed talking thru the issue kindly. As women this is where our gentleness and calmness works magic.
Thanks for being a lighthouse for people like me that deal with people that don't care
I've improved at being non-reactive and not giving away my power, but then toxic people walk away claiming there's no spark as I become less reactive, more easy going, less clingy or emotional and I struggle with that. I should see they want toxic drama as you said. The high highs, low lows. I should be glad not giving them that makes them not like me, but it isn't always easy sometimes to accept they're that messed up
GM, the "spark" they like to see as they try to light YOU on fire.
They are losing interest because you're no longer supplying them with the sense of power and control they so desperately want and need to feel alive.
@@lynnebucher6537 preach!!
You are so spot on with everything you talk about 👍 I dated a narcissist's for about 7 years & she turned out bat shit crazy, the last year was hell with her, between the cheating, stealing of my money, lying, illegal drug use & constantly intoxicated, & mental & physical abuse, I asked her to leave, that didn't go over very well, I've been free for 3 years now & have got my life back together, keep up the great work on you're podcasts, 👍😊
I'm truly sorry you had to endure that
Perfect. I like to add something. If you taking what others say or do personally it's because you value what others beliefs more than what you believe of yourself. Insecurities that you may have, may be because you think that your own truth is less valuable than the rest or because your feel that you depends on others. If the voice of others ocuppies more time in your head that your own voice its never going to be possible not react. Thanks
Well said!
Totally, the best explanation, I'm remembering this forever!
💯
Slow down, step back, disengage and see the person as they are and their tactics.
Realizing THIS, years ago back, thankfully I'd read enough self help books to understand this one. This is A MAGIC KEY, people. You can ONLY control YOUR REACTION. Best case scenario. What's YOUR response? Its the ONLY thing you have control over. Make friends with it. Oh how it saves you stress in the long run. It's THEIR issue, not yours. BRAVO! 🌺
I don't like the way it feels when they suck your energy
You can feel them trying to control you .
I hate that feeling
Wow. I’ve watched so many of your videos but this one really broke it down and made things clear. I’ve realized I’ve been in a relationship with a manipulative person. When we get in disagreements, my partner starts to guilt and shame me, and stonewalling me. He’ll manipulate me to the point where I feel like everything’s my fault, I’m going crazy, and that I’m a bad person. I realized I do want him to change. I take everything personally when really he’s just saying hurtful things cuz he’s hurt inside and isn’t getting what he wants. Good thing is I’m starting to realize this pattern. Thank you for this wisdom 💎
Sounds like we dated the same guy. 😳 Fortunately, I left my ex-narc almost a year ago. I'm still recovering from this toxic relationship.
Self preservation comes first.
Right, because they’re not Necessarily always going to be there for you see you have to take good care of yourself because you deserve it. I would give away so much energy and it would make me so angry, I’m really going to practice that’s the best I can.
@@sabrinaszabo9355 without you, there will be no you...
@@hadiitiniguez2393 Who am I and who are you?
Word...
Brilliant! I've never heard this concept spoken so eloquently and impactfully. Thank you, Stephanie!!
Thank you!
🙌🏽
This is definitely a. Brilliant video! So helpful. Thank you! 👍🙌
Spot on.
This could be even more valuable with multiple listens. Truth sinks in with repetition sometimes.
thank you so much for this Stephanie! It's taken me a full YEAR to heal from this EXACT KIND OF ABUSE! literally everything you said 🤯 you have been helping me more than you know! Many blessings to you!
Super huge changer in my situation when I did this. I’m beginning to realize when I get triggered it’s time to walk away, work it out in my mind, clarify the truth, then return detached and refuse to get into his game.
This is the perfect video for me because my divorce is coming up with my narc hub. Wish me luck. He is going to try and push all my buttons
Let him and just agree with him.
Good luck!
I'm so happy I made productive decisions about my finances that changed my life forever,hoping to retire next year... Investment should always be on any creative man's heart for success in life.
the best decision I ever made in my life was investing in financial market. Trust me guys, it pays a lot. I have come to realize that trading bitcoin is more profitable than holding it and waiting for it to skyrocket. If you trade without a expert then you are gambling and have no business in trading..
I have loss severally trying to trade on my own. Can someone tell me the best way to win instead of losing more?
trading with an expert is the best strategy and also profitable, Newbies who are not aware of how crypto truly works and wish to make profits from it, I would advise to invest with a professional like Fergus waylen, It helps secure and minimize the possibilities of losses.
I'm honestly surprised that this name is being mentioned here, I stumbled upon one of his clients testimony last two months in CNBC world news and decided to try him out...I'm Expecting my third cashout in 2days
he's really a professional. For this past months, I keep earning $11,800 weekly profit having invested $4,200 and working with him
I am so thankful for this episode. Dr Ramani has literally saved my sanity. I think I’m gonna add this Lady to my listening life also. I have a road trip coming up in a YEAR! Yes, you heard me, a YEAR. And I’m already stressed about it. I’m going to gain this golden knowledge all year long and then I’m going to track her pattern while we are together and I need to learn how to NOT react to her baiting which she is famous for. We got this Scapegoats. And I love and feel for all of us. We are not broken. We are amazing people and thank God we aren’t the Golden children. I was able to escape because I’m the scapegoat. My Sister who I’m going to travel with in a year is the Golden child Narc. And she has been replaced by our Narc Fathers new daughters 🤣🤣 Justice
I was always a gentle person who never thought of mean things to do. You are correct in that it may be fight or flight forever . Get a grip, and thanks for good information. Don’t overreact and be sad.
I'm grateful you came up in my feed. I did this last night and I was met with the tantrum..but I was able to remain calm and aware in the moment. Thank you for explaining how to be assertive within this situation. It's a huge life lesson that's so very valuable.
When a person is RAGING in real time & you the innocent person observing what is happening isn’t as easy as you describe in my experience - the raging can go on for a lot of the time like hour sometimes or more & it’s evil& the narcissist cannot control oneself ; it escalates to physical violence when disengaging & when the innocent person states how we feel they are in their ego and cannot process at all & it’s all reaction ; it’s a RAGE - super calm wont fix it; boundaries out the window -
My experience in talking to a narcissist about my needs, wants and boundaries, etc. (when it has no advantage for them) is equivalent to drawing a smiley face on a wall and talking to it. TOTAL waste of time.
I also experience that when I believed I had an agreement with a narcissist, they will let you think they agree with you but at the end they never had intentions to go through with your ideas and abandon it.
I now realize my frustrations and anger is not with them as it is actually with myself because of my rose color glasses.
But no, it doesn’t mean that I need to stop seeing the good in people, but it does mean I need to pay attention to how I feel and do something about it that will make me feel whole again. I’ve learned so much from this and other podcasts. Thank you for your wonderful information !!!❤
These videos are giving me so much courage to leave my husband. I didn’t realize until now I am living with a narcissist. One time he had me crouched on the ground screaming his head off, on top of me telling me I was so weak and stupid. In public, no one stepped in to help. I was so scared of him. All this stemming from a small argument at the grocery store earlier. I can’t believe I stayed all this time… now it’s harder to leave after 3 years but I’m trying
Ow that's horrible. I hope you are alright and safe now.
it was when a lady said to me, you haven't had enough yet, that woke me up to say oh yes I did, it can be done,good luck
My mind is blown because the scenario you described is something I experienced this past week. My partner was literally fine one moment and then did a complete 360 degree turn in a matter of moments when he realized something wasn’t going the way he wanted. I realize now that my anger and response was mostly related to my own want for him to recognize his immature, selfish attitude. He is clueless and still thinks he didn’t do anything wrong. I told him straight up he was being an ass hole and I would not stand for his behavior and that if he wanted to leave he should do that. I disengaged and walked away. The negativity is real for me. If I sense his negativity- I’m quickly triggered.
So helpful 🙏thank you Stephanie.... I am 10 years and 2 kids in with a full blown narssacist. Ive been denying myself and what I felt for 9 of those years. I really can't do it no more. Ive felt so low many days, my fears suggested suicide many times.. but I am very informed and very powerfull. I'm working thru my fears of leaving. It is a painful process but I do understand it... to anybody who is going thru this situation. You are not crazy. You are actually beautiful, and that person is unable to see that beauty in you. Thier are a infinite amount of possibilities outside the limits of your fears but don't trust me trust yourself. You are always taken care of in love. :')
This is a six 🌟 presentation!! ... Very insightful. The narc is always trying to condition you to feel negative and ashamed of yourself.
This has helped me so much but I still replay it at least once or twice a week to keep myself in check so it will just become second nature to me . 🙏👍🏼❤️
Good explanation of taking something personally. Something I struggled with for so long. Once I understood the concept, my life became so much better.
My reactions were so much better and I did feel better about myself.
You're 💯 on the money... it's text book! 🙄 It's hard when you get to the point that you realize there are no more chances for change & that this person will never change & that they cannot give you what they don't have to give. It's especially hard when it's a family member...it changes the way your world looks - even though I'm more at peace without having them in my life. But yes.. you're so right & I'm thankful to have found your channel... thank you!
If you want to quickly disarm any toxically inclined behavior or truly toxic then the key is self-awareness. Self-awareness in my opinion starts with being brutally honest with yourself about who you are (this excludes any type of generalization and requires specificity of negative character traits).
So when a narc starts calling you out or projecting, for example, "you can be vindictive, stubborn and superficial, you can easily say, "yes, that is right. is there anything new about myself that I need to know? (yes I can be even envious but those are not my core traits). He was immediately deflected. This worked for me because I knew myself. I faced my shadow.
I admitted to myself the garbage that I have.
So if anyone, even my mother or a friend, tries to manipulate me, I WILL BE aware. Because when you own your BS you are at peace and less reactive and more prone to respond. So when they see that you respond, and respond well which takes time and practice, then they give up on you more and more. This is also called authenticity. You gain it thorough self-knowledge. This works even better if you know what your core two or three problems are, like e.g. anger, indecisiveness, impatience. You work with those, try to find reasons why you have those three core problems. That is how the process goes.
So true! You will be shocked how they could seem to be different. They know exactly how to make you feel happy. The abuse gets worst before it’s really over . 😢❤ thanks for this !!
Love this, Stephanie. It’s a message from the universe I received just when I needed it 💟✨
Perfect tips! Every word is golden. Thank you so much.
By becoming non-reactive, we disarm the narcissist and create a space for healing and growth within ourselves. It's a journey that requires strength, self-awareness, and self-love, but the rewards are immeasurable. Thank you for sharing this unique perspective and empowering us to take back our power from narcissistic individuals. Let's apply these strategies and continue the path of self-liberation, reclaiming our happiness and well-being.
Spot on... I started focusing on myself first, then ignored, non responsive, non reactive to the ex wife and ex narc father. It's definitely allowed me to forgive them both and myself for allowing it to happen in the past to me. My best advice is focusing on yourself makes you move forward. When you do good for you and have control over your life it's shows you are moving in the positive path forward. Better to sit back at wait and just let it play out on its own.
WARNING. THE STEPHANIE THAT RESPONDED TO YOUR COMMENT IS A SCAMMER. THAT WASN'T THE REAL STEPHANIE.
My narcissist father continues to invalidate me still at the age of 55. His untrue, and bad perceptions of me are really hard to process. He just told me I didn’t go to college, I DID go for two full years, but because I didn’t graduate I “only went for a little while” and he thinks he paid for it! When I paid every dime. Wtf how do I keep this relationship!
Bust out laughing when he tells a whopper of a lie like that. Or say "Oh, really?" with a knowing smile.
This Lady saved my life back in 2018. Thank you very much!
I love this , let me listen again . I always over explain and then get frustrated, get angry and lost my cool. Disengage and stop talking will be my next tool .
First couple of minute of this video actually opened My eyes the last little bit. Wow You are very beautiful and very helpful!!!
This video couldn’t have showed up in my suggestions at a better time. My step daughter is getting married Friday and her mother, I truly believe, is not only a narcissist but a sociopath to boot. She doesn’t care about anyone’s feeling but her own and she definitely enjoys watching and living in the chaos she creates. I’ve cried so many times and have essentially given all of my power away. There is no reasoning with her. There is no middle ground. It’s always ALL about her. Not to mention that my step daughter is on the spectrum and I have felt like for the last year and a half I have had to step in and make sure she is being listened to and what she wants is honored. But it’s been so disheartening and difficult having a narcissist trying to bend everyone, including her own daughter, to her will. God I needed to get that out. But thank you thank you for making this video. You’ve helped me slow down, take a deep breath and have given me that little push I needed to take care of my self, my children and the rest of my family. Excellent video. Praying for you and all of you out there who are struggling with a narcissist. It’s horrible and I pray you all take your power back and remember the great advice in this video. Because I know, if you are watching this video, you are having a rough go at it. You are NOT ALONE!!! Love and blessings to all of you!
As someone on the spectrum, thank you for looking out for your stepdaughter. I find that I grew up obviously with difficulty reading people and it made me a greater target for bullies and even narcissistic types. I am now doing my own research (I am good at research!), and it's helping. But thank you for working to help someone who might have been even a little more vulnerable to predatory people. And I think that goes double when you grow up with a really sadistic or cruel parent because that's what is modeled for you!
🫂
I just wanna compliment your makeup and hair! You’re effortlessly beautiful and stunning 💕
Oh, I love the clean organized uncluttered background.
I found the best way is being surprised at everything what they ate saying making them crashing their delusion, they will run away from you
This video is spot on. After our breakup my partner became a stranger. The dishonesty, the temper tantrums. He craves my heartbreak acts out seeking sexual attention from others. A problem that existed throughout our relationship. Why did I stay?? The highs were high. I have never loved or been loved like that before. His love was a drug and I wanted it. I was addicted. A roller coaster ride with no seat belt. He is textbook narcissist and I codependent. My biggest surprise?? I became the enemy. He did not care about what we had what I gave all the good times all the love for none of it was real. My self-doubt is now a constant. Listen to this video over and over!! Regain some control and hopefully get one step closer to healing. Love to all of you reading and listening ~~
You're amazing Stephanie! Thank you so much for this life-changing information
I agree wholeheartedly. 👍 🙏 💯
Excellent! Exactly what I was dealing with! I kept my calm and was disengaged. Proud of myself.
Yes! I struggled with this a lot. I didn’t know I was in a narcissistic relationship been in one for 15 years, and everytime I would confront the issue that was bothering me , he always try’s to flip the script and shift it over as if it’s me , “oh well if it hurts you so much that I’m looking at other girls why don’t you gain some weight and look your age, do something about your appearance” and that would hurt me so much. Now I’m understanding his ways and not letting it cut so deep
U still gon be with him???
Thank you Stephanie! Your energy inspires me to be my best self!
Married to one for 34 years , they never change its like a malfunction of the brain seriously. I deal with mine differently..When he starts his shit I just shut him down immediately.. I just tell him what I and am not gonna do then I stick by it.. He also knows if he keeps on badgering me I leave , he HATES being alone.. I stay gone for hours , whatever plans ( eating out , shopping , whatever ) will be cancelled unless he calls me and apologizes then he knows not to mess with me again.. I have to do it pretty regularly cause they DONT change but it happens less.
Yes to this. If a toxic person would benefit from learning that the world doesn't owe them anything, YOU have to appreciate that the toxic person does not owe you anything not even civility. If you can really buy this you can disempower toxicity completely. I often found myself saying "you have to understand that there are boundaries, things you can't say, rules of the road, acceptable / unacceptable modes of communication". Toxic people don't have to understand any of that. They have no obligation to change to self reflect. They don't owe you any of that. Nor do you owe them anything. Disengage.
God bless you, Stephanie! You’re gifted. Thank you very much!
Thank you for your kind words!
I tried this with my narsisistic ex husband. When I gave the silent treatment, he would rev up his actions of making me feel like it wasn't bothering him and that I was invisible or non existent. He would go around the house whistling and dominate interacting
with the children. This made me feel even worse.
I could've written this. I live the exact same situation. How he uses the kids is just sick
This was INCREDIBLY eye opening for me, thank you so much for posting
Thank you for this message. The timing and sharing of it is perfect for me!
Wendy Clark,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
BAM! on the money for what I needed to here in this moment
Love your work😍 After I have been watching your videos and others in youtube for 8 months I am having more control. I observe their street circus, and remain peaceful. Proud of myself. Thanks🌹
Excellent advice. I don’t want someone else to control my emotions. Also don’t take it personally.
Thank you!
Non reactive is freedom when you learn it !
Ive learnt about narc abuse for over a year now, and have been healing from my childhood trauma that was by a narc parent for almost 3 in total. Not taking their baits is really important. But by the way, it isnt about control at times. Sometimes its about respecting boundaries in a shared space. For instance, i told 2 girls that where hogging the floor everynight if they could share the time at a meeting i go to which is supposed to be a safe place. After that they have been so passive aggressive, crocodile tears , manipulating and doing the things that my valid request asked them more slily and passively agressively and dogwhistling etc, triangulating too. It never was about contrlling them. Because boundaries aren't about that, but out of claiming peoples rights , like sharing the time to speak in a shared space (virtually). Whats funny is that people agreed with me that night. And thought it was a good idea , and a valid request, to share the space, we're all humans and this was a sort of support group for childhood trauma, so more importantly its a place were we should not only get these boundaries but be mindful of others needs or that we didnt get some of these things growing up and we're trying to heal from that so it would be good to be mindful. It wasnt about controlling. Another person, now they're doing everything on the book to try and get a reaction. And i see it, and the crocodile tears and everything. They're escalating it. Im being careful how not to give them supply. Its getting a little bit heated, and im going to try to disengage maybe as was said here though i have already. Its difficult when there are avid toxic manipulators and they can even gang up in numbers or have flying monkeys. I can disengage, and take care of myself, not take baits. And focus on my self , my boundaries , my inner child and continuous healing.
Amein
@@damienwelch9067 learning to respond directly and clearly and to the point and then disengaging, when the world salada comes has been helpful, ans i get to speak my truth and then disengage. We are worth it, and lets keep healing with gentleness humor love and respect.... Take care , God speed everybody wer are worth it. with gentleness humort love respect attunement and integrity to my inner child and taking my space and choosing safe enough connection , we are worth it. Cousins. Let them, keep their toxic gunk, we can speak our truth and then disengage, be gentle on ourselves honor ourselves and inner children with healthy boundaries, when we need them,and keep finding safe enough other people to share with and get connection thats corregulating,we are worth it, cousins.
@@franciscoguevara9727 amein true 👍
Wow, a dose of common sense for us folks on the other side of narcissism
You literally break everything down perfect an calmly to a T I absolutely want coaching sessions with you ‼️🤗✅😇
I do agree with Stephanie in regards to, how to respond to toxic people. They learn that their tactics are no longer effective. They will not change but, modify their conversations a bit.
People be knowing what they’re doing/saying. I’ll be non reactive & also leave them alone for my peace.
That’s it!
I've been clean almost 10 years, have done a decade of emotional healing, still learning myself. Its difficult because Im sandwiched between my mom & daughter narcissistic behavior. I used to be one also. Oh boy, they throw a lot of tantrums its pretty sad because its like dealing with a 5 year old. They don't know anything about boundaries at all, I literally say the boundary and walk away instead of letting it provok me....yes its a demon!!!! And they let it live in their heart! they don't think anything is wrong with them, its me because I won't allow it to provoke me...I let go of control
This is helping me so much! Its insane how they falsely accuse for any kind of attention! Attempting to boss and dictate me pfft
I already have identified their behaviour and I walk away but it's still hard to live with it even walking away, hard when it's a live in family member. Thanks for your help 💜
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you , thank you.
This video came up on my phone, at the perfect time.
I was armed and loaded with the knowledge I needed to reply to an email from my ex. He was trying to draw me back in with the usual , future faking, manipulation, guilting etc.
❤❤❤❤
Thanks!!!!!!!
You have been thee only one that has exactly explained it to the Most Highest Level and i’ve practiced this by mistake and it worked so know i know!!!!
I have to stop 🛑 react
dealing with nieghbor & partner at same time
this is extremely difficult
Wow, thank you. Just the video I needed today, Stephanie.❤️ I’m struggling with how to deal with my 85yr mum who is by the book doing everything a narcissist does & is what she has been doing for my life when I look back but didn’t realise until I went to therapy. Basically I completely caved in at Christmas. I’ve gone no contact since. But interacting if I have to is what I am dreading as I didn’t know how to keep my cool when she goes into her evil mode. Your videos really help, but it’s scary & upsetting how you literally quote my mum in what she says and does.
I’m glad it helped!
So sorry you have to go through this with your mom :(
I am not at all trying to discount the harshness that you have experienced through out. However, at least with my own mother, most of her current "ugliness" comes from the affect of alzheimer that she has. Initially when we didn't understand what was going on, she just seemed so much more hateful. Anyway...like I said, I'm not trying to invalidate your experience at all. It's just maybe there is something more of her current state than narcissism, given her age. Good luck to your own healing process. Love and light always.
@@cicinomaden Thank you. Yes , Alzheimer's can bring the worst in some people and I am sorry you had to experience that. Hope you are healing and coping as well. Good luck to you too :)
@@cicinomaden it’s a valid comment and one my wife & I have debated. & so sorry you had to go through this with your family. But when we watch these RUclipss and I have my therapy I can look back at least 25yrs and there is not one thing I have done that she has supported or when I really needed her validation she has put me down. On the contrary to how she treats my brother. I think I switched from golden child to scapegoat when I came out of the Royal Navy & my brother joined the Police (my late Dad’s job) since then she has fitted the Narc brief 100%. To the point where on our last meeting I had to listen to how wonderful & amazing my sister in law was & beautiful grandchildren & the very next thing she was belittling my wife saying how she is a poor dog trainer, calling our dogs (we dont have children) “out of control “. That was my last straw
Good advice and because I have got cptsd from past abuse my limbic system goes into fear mode. I can not react outwardly, but inside my gut is churning. Especially when these narcs break the law, I still need to keep myself safe.
This is the biggest lesson I've learned from you and the most helpful thank you ❣️
You described and Prescribed the BEST method of dealing w my sister when she calls. Think she ever bothers to come visit me? Once a year if I am "lucky" What she does is call every other month or so and start babbling on about some Political figure or complaining about a work situation. It really hurts bc I have to accept that she doesn't really want to know me, just uses me as a Dumping site. I will NO LONGER accept being treated like dirt! Thank you for this game changer, Stephanie! I have been listening to Jerry Wise and last time she called I tried the tactic of DISENGAGING. I was flatline when she called and didn't play the role of "acting happy" that she called. When I talked, I kept it impersonal and or one word / one sentence answers. I think she pretty much crumbled. Don't know what her next move will be, but I will BE READY!
Run!!! It will save you a lot of stress lol these people feed of good souls and nice people …I call out their bs from the start and shut them down …
Thank you so much for the insightful explanation and the wonderful video, Stephanie. Blessings to you 🙏💐🎉
Another thing a narc doesn’t do is… ever give you a compliment outside of aesthetics
I know someone who through out their young life were passed from one family member to another and they had to be a parent to their own parents
along with be responsible for their siblings. All family members pretty much look to them for advice and now on their job they are over a team of people. This feeds into them. They happened to be very smart and this also feeds into that type of Personality that they have. When I'm in their present sometimes I feel that I am Superior to you attitude and then other times I don't since that. Mind you they call other people narcissist
Dealing with someone like that is exhausting. But I don't have a problem with calling them on it because I don't want to have to have that kind of relationship with someone. There's a slickness that is really annoying. I really hope they can see themselves and get well. Great video
Thank you for making this video. This video help me understand how to respond and to react. I used to take things very seriously but I have learned to claim down and really understand what is going on with the people who is making my life crazy.
The best explanation ever for this subject, wow.
WARNING. THE STEPHANIE THAT RESPONDED TO YOUR COMMENT IS A SCAMMER. THAT WASN'T THE REAL STEPHANIE.
You can still tell the person about their misbehavior, and then choose to steer clear of the difficult person.
When a narcissist says something inappropriate, act as though they didn't say what they said or that you are hard-of-hearing or stupid or don't understand irony or sarcasm.
Then respond by walking away or saying something that is totally unrelated to what they have just said.
Eg.
Narc: Why did you buy green towels? No one uses green towels anymore. They look hideous.
You:. Oh, about every half an hour this time of day I think. But I haven't caught a train in a long time so you might want to Google it or get a timetable from the railway station.
This illogical response will really annoy them and frustrate them and if you keep on doing it over and over again, they will get sick of you and give up.
I wish I knew how to deal with someone who uses my weaknesses against me. I don’t always remember what was said in the last conversation exactly, I only know my intentions so they use my words to paint me in a different light and when I attempt to clarify my position they bring up past shortcomings, particularly times when I was inattentive or in human error to make it as though I have no say in the matter. Because I own my mistakes they take it as a win and tell me that I can’t be trusted and that my opinions don’t matter.
WARNING. THE STEPHANIE THAT RESPONDED TO YOUR COMMENT IS A SCAMMER. THAT WASN'T THE REAL STEPHANIE.
You can’t deal w someone who does this because they’re “undealable”. When this was explained to me I rejected it because I want to get through, I want to fix it. They’re not cooperative.
Personally feels like they’re trying to shine light on ur flaws instead of having any self awareness so they can be able to ignore their own. I hope u can ignore people like that bc if they’re more focused on dragging someone down to their level instead of being a better person, they’re toxic and u should run away from them and grow yourself.