The Surprising Link Between People Pleasing & Your Health: MD’s Recommendation on How to Say “No”
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- Опубликовано: 7 авг 2024
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Does this doctor have the health secret you’ve been looking for? Does people-pleasing really make you sick?
Dr. Neha Sangwan (@Doctorneha) is an internal medicine physician, bestselling author, and accomplished researcher.
Today, Mel sits down with Dr. Sangwan to learn the truth about people-pleasing.
Topics discussed include:
People-pleasing: what it is
Are you a “yes” person?
The difference between “going with the flow” and people pleasing
Why avoiding conflict makes you a people-pleaser
What your “childhood blueprint” is and how it shapes adulthood
People pleasing and the link to illness
What your parents did or said to turn you into a people-pleaser
Why people-pleasing is a coping mechanism
Why you can’t deal with other people’s discomfort
How to trace your people pleasing back to a single moment in time
Why being stressed, irritated, and tired is a sign that you are a people-pleaser
Why being a control freak may be a sign of people pleasing
How to unlearn people pleasing
How every conflict in your life traces back to childhood trauma
What happens, from a medical perspective, when you have an unresolved conflict?
The secret reason you’re an overachiever
How to stop your people-pleasing behavior at work and set better boundaries
What it really means when you resent the people you love
Why people-pleasing is a “protection tool” you learn to use in childhood
The link between chronic worry and people pleasing
The simple 3-part framework Dr. Sangwan uses to say “no” when you mean "no"
How 80% of all illnesses are caused by stress
The 5 questions you should ask yourself to understand what your body is really trying to signal to you
You can purchase Dr. Sangwan’s book, ‘TalkRx: Five Steps to Honest Conversations That Create Connection, Health, and Happiness’, here: a.co/d/iaVNwiL
Download a FREE audio chapter from ‘TalkRx: Five Steps to Honest Conversations That Create Connection, Health, and Happiness’, here: intuitiveintelligenceinc.com/...
Follow Dr. Sangwan:
Instagram: doctorneha
Webpage: intuitiveintelligenceinc.com
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I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode.
In this episode:
00:00 Intro
03:21 Mel’s jaw hit the floor when she heard this.
03:58 If you struggle with people-pleasing, you are not alone.
04:49 Are you a “yes” person?
06:54 People-pleasing: what is it?
09:07 What your parents did or said to turn you into a people-pleaser
11:58 What your “childhood blueprint” is and how it shapes adulthood
14:14 Why people-pleasing is a coping mechanism
15:52 Why you can’t deal with other people’s discomfort
20:32 The simple 3-part framework Dr. Sangwan uses to say “no” when you mean "no”
24:54 Is everyone on the planet a people-pleaser?
28:37 What are the 2 functions of the brain?
29:48 What it really means when you resent the people you love
33:47 When Dr. Sangwan connected her people-pleasing with overwhelm
36:08 Dr. Sangwan received this shocking diagnosis from an MD.
39:57 The secret reason you’re an overachiever
44:03 How 80% of all illness is caused by stress
45:17 The 5 questions you should ask yourself to understand what your body is really trying to signal to you
47:12 Wow, this might be the root cause of your anxiety.
50:02 How to stop your people-pleasing at work and set better boundaries
Listen to the podcast episode 'The Surprising Link Between People Pleasing & Your Health: A Medical Doctor’s Recommendation on How to Say “No”' - link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=e...
#peoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #boundaries #childhoodtrauma
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Yup I feel the resentment. I treat others like I want to be treated so I expect the same from others and then I get disappointed and stressed every, single time....
Me too
This is my problem exactly!!
After a number of years of marriage, I went to my doctor with anxiety, depression and sleep issues. I also explained that I was in a toxic marriage. I was given prescriptions to medicate ALL of my symptoms. I eventually divorced, and all of my health issues went away.
As I asked for anti anxiety medications, I mentioned that I really just need a “husband-ectomy”.
I’m in the same situation 😢 I want to divorce I feel like that’s my main issue for all my problems
Why are u a people pleasing 🔁? The problems are secondary they make it worse so u solve for me is codependent 🔁 isolation.
@@cristinarosales6183 I finally got the courage to leave, with my two young children, and figure it out. I was able to stop taking the medicine that I had been taking for heart palpitations. I was scared, so afraid, of how I was going to pull this off and keep me and two kids out of poverty and not have to go back to the awful situation. I was so determined that there has to be a better life for me and my kids, there just has to be peace somewhere else, or at least not toxic and controlling. Whew. I got to be me, actually just be me. He hated me for leaving. I hated him for wasting so much time of my life. My life. Not his to take. Mine. I took My Life back. You can too.
You need Jesus Christ you'll go through life empty no one can fill that void but the Lord God Almighty Jesus Christ!
And when you do put those healthy boundaries up, suddenly, the same people (takers) that you’re always pleasing accuse you of “selfishness” or the endearing “you’ve changed”
So true! We teach people how to treat us. And they don't often like it when we develop our own personal power.
This is so so true. Just on point!
Omg this is so true!!
I totally agree on that
But when you realize the dynamics and your (former) role in it, you can take it as a compliment... 😂
After years of people pleasing and feeling bad because others always wanted more than I could give - I decided to make myself the priority instead. Still kind - but to myself first - hallelujah! 🎉
I wrote this down and put on my refrigerator. Well said. Spoke multitudes to me. Thanks. ❤
@@tressatressa 💕
Same here with me. Starting /learning to say NO. As African they’ve already tagged me “evil spirit possessed” . But I don’t really care knowing it’s coming from their ignorance. I’m doing more of ME, MY KIDS AND ME again. Call it selfish? It’s worth it.
This video is highly recommended 👍🏻👍🏻
Huge thanks@@NgSpace84 ! It was an honor to connect with Mel and now all of you 💜
Fabulous stuff,at 61 ,I'm finally getting there.
I am really a big people pleaser but now that I've gotten older I've started to swing the opposite way. Lost a lot of friends because of it. Its hard when we're trying to change for the better, for ourselves, but lose people we love in the meantime :(
when we initially change, we can sometimes swing pretty far on the pendulum. It just takes time to adjust our tone & emotional delivery of our boundaries so that we can both keep our relationships & be clear abt what works & doesn’t work for us. As we get more comfortable in knowing whats right for us, so too do we become more comfortable in our own skin advocating for it! You’re doing great. And yes, change sometimes has us outgrowing certain relationships, communities, jobs & experiences. While it can be hard & painful, in the longer run its usually less painful than being out of alignment with ourselves
Those people were not your friend, they were takers.
100 true
It’s not sad! It’s liberating and empowering! You finally see your worth now and those that abused your generosity aren’t happy about this change. Let them go.
I grew up in a violent home. I was an only child, and my way of surviving was to stay quiet and to be the perfect child. When I was about 5 or 6, my mother kept admonishing me for talking "baby talk". I now realize that I was talking "baby talk" as a way to keep myself smaĺl and under the radar. It worked for the most part. When I was about 11 years old and earning money to buy my own clothing, which I was told was the expectation when I was 10 1/2 years old, I calculated that the random beatings had reduced to "only" 3-4 times a year. People Pleasing gave me a feeling that I had some sense of control over my circumstances. I dreamed of a better life and for a way out of the violence, but there were no real solutions for my circumstances. What make me angry now, is when people on the internet say demeaning things about People Pleasers, accusing us of simply being somehow manipulative, weak and/or severely disfuctional. The reality is that I did what I NEEDED to do in order to survive in an incredibly toxic environment.
Thank you for addressing this sensitive topic with compassion and understanding. ❤
I’m sorry …..my husband experienced same
So very sorry for what you went through. I totally understand your situation because I went through this also. I am 71 and still dealing with a lot of issues caused by this kind of upbringing. Wishing you ongoing healing ❤️🩹
I became very physically ill during my abusive marriage. I don't know how, looking back, the doctors didn't think why is this 30 something woman this poorly. My health improved massively after we split. Things like high cortisol and blood pressure, diabetes, liver disease, Fibromyalgia etc
So impressive that you connected the dots and had the courage to heal. #keepgoing
@@Doctorneha it was only through hearing content like this that I realised that the stress was causing the physical symptoms too. I'm 20 months free and still healing, physically and emotionally, but getting there. Thank you!
I understand. Wonderful healing integration of insights ‼️
@@Doctorneha @the.toxic.phoenix - thank you both and Mel!
Working in an Integrative Medicine health as a Nurse Practitioner and as a health coach, I collaborate with our patients/clients to , find the root cause and a remind them that 70%or more chronic illnesses are related to unmitigated stress. Having worked with a therapist a coach myself, I had to do own healing from decades of people pleasing and to realize that communicating my own needs and boundaries helped me be more authentic and compassionate.
I am so grateful for this topic since it is a great reminder to continue to establish clear boundaries and speak my truth.
I went into my 22 year marriage healthy and came out with diabetes, heart disease and chronic pain. Here’s to better days ahead for those of us that absorb abuse stress so physically.
This episode should have three hundred BILLION likes this is powerful and extremely necessary
This episode was SENT to me via email after awakening with lots of muscle tension everywhere and what feels like a knife in my shoulder… resentment, stress, pain, fear- we must deal with our shit.
I am so grateful for these two beautiful souls.
This episode should be shared all over!!❤
It will in time, not immediate as you're looking for. God Bless
So revealing! It revealed an aspect of what I was so unaware about since it happen to me as an seven year old!! Wow!! What a unaware people pleaser I have become?
'We become driftwood in the ocean, like we are going in the wind whatever direction it takes us' and 'the goal is to become a sailboat with a rudder that is influenced by the wind, but charts its own course'. I love this and I loved this interview! GREAT JOB Mel and Md!
Thanks @Channyl252 -this is really about developing your own personal power! So glad you enjoyed it. Neha
The reason that we people please… and the fact that I will never achieve the desired result from people pleasing… trying to avoid confrontation causes stress, resentment , and ultimately a worse confrontation! Wow!! 🎉
#truthbomb #unresolvedconflictgetsbigger
As soon as I mention something hurt me or I feel under appreciated my grown daughter tells me I overreact & get hurt to easily. When my very challenging 9 year old granddaughter doesn’t like something she needs to do, she too says I over react and need to just let it go ..She’s been becoming more and more resistant to anything I say, no matter how trivial. This morning she said mommy said you just over react..
I’ve been caring for them since birth and I feel devastated when I see the lack of appreciation, especially at such a young age.
I’ve done therapy all my life so I’m very cautious about boundaries or undermining. I’m wound up so tight. I’ve got nothing left to give to please anymore.. I have a job interview on Monday & they will all have to learn to live without me being there with my overreacting 😢
I really hope you get the job.
You definitely need to establish firm boundaries with all of them. And you're a grandmother. You've done your job.focus more on yourself, especially with people who don't appreciate you.
I hope you get the job!
Did you get the job? 😊 Hope so - everyone deserves validation, respect and appreciation!
I think once I got the confidence & self esteem to ask for what I want & set boundaries I no longer fear the push back I am receiving. I see that as a good sign that others are finally listening to me & acknowledged I am changing.
Ugh I wish they taught this shit in school. I didn't realize this until my mid-40's but I'm so glad to be seeing it's starting to show up in the western medical model!!!
I wish it were in the western medical model. For me, it took a burnout breakdown to create the breakthrough. My dream is that we taught this in schools. It would be such an advantage for the leaders of tomorrow!
I feel like I'm going to need to rewatch this over and over
Such a great interesting subject... This little “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -Saint Augustine
#powerful
Wow!!! Perfect timing. I just told my landlord that he couldn't speak to me in a belligerent demeaning manner. It was scary but I didn't back down. I now feel better. I have been afraid to speak up for myself and have swallowed my anger until it was making me sick and sleepless. I'm so glad I did it, and seeing this video a few hours later is just what I needed.
Don't you love the universe's timing and sense humor?
If you are a good tenant, you have the power. Its hard to find good tenants. So do not ever again let him/her disrespect you. You’re just a tenant to him, you do not have any other duty to him/her. But to yourself, you are everything!
I had a psycho land lord like that in Fort Lauderdale. He almost bullied the wrong tenant and broke into units when he felt like it and the resident wanted to shoot him
Good for you. 😊
Once more, your timing is impeccable. I needed this episode so much this week after getting passed over for a promotion I totally deserved. When the department director called giving me a song and dance about how much they appreciate me but it came down to experience, then asked me a favor beyond my normal job duties/scope I jumped to say yes and be the good/dependable/go-to employee. I can see it now, I’m burning myself out and I have made myself physically unhealthy trying to be the perfect employee because being the go-to person makes me feel important and needed. The energy I’ve wasted on them, ouch. Thank you once again Mel, amazing content as always. I love you and your message!
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
jessicadelauderwoodward5923, How about getting a pay "bonus" for the extra work?!
As a woman, I find we have to work 3 times as hard to get half the credit...
I hope you quit. The boss doesn't deserve you.
You probably can work for yourself.
I have been a people pleaser all my life and honestly it is so tiring. Also now at 50 I do feel resentment for running after everyone’s needs. I don’t know how I can change after a lifetime of this. Next year resolution will be not to be a people pleaser 😊
I am literally the same. I too have spent most of my 50 years people pleasing. I’m forever putting people first at the detriment of my own mental and physical health. Still doing it now, trying to help my parents (mum has Alzheimer’s). I can never say no to people even though no one does anything for me!
Yay you!! Fabulous ❤ in addition, I would offer phrasing your new resolution in terns of what you WANT ( rather than what you DONT WANT - I don’t want to be a people pleaser). If you weren’t a people-pleaser, what would you be? Someone who values yourself and includes yourself in the equation along with those you love and lead? Would you be someone who listens to your body, mind & heart’s communication? Or something else?
Ugh same here!! I have become extremely irritable as a result and I am working on just saying no! It is hard bc I feel like it’s disappointing people but I have to just be like oh well not my problem.
@@beckys2075 my mom is on the last stages of Alzheimer’s too. I am really sorry that you are going through this also but it’s something that needs to be done. This is stressful too. I look at my husband and he is so different….he just Carrie’s on with his priorities I think it’s really a female problem too.
@@melsfabfinds yeah me too and if I do say no there is like a hundred sorties after. Need to improve big time
This was right on time for me. I didn't realize I was a people-pleaser until very recently. I just considered what I was doing as "treating others better than I treat myself". But it wasn't that most of the time, it was people-pleasing. I learned a lot about myself from watching this episode and it's been life-changing! Thank you!
What a game change when you include yourself in the equation, making yourself just as important as others! Exciting!
I absolutely love this!! Most of my clients anxiety can come from the inability to say no to others but stay uncomfortable doing everything. Im learning this and its difficult but so worth it.
This coming from a woman who is a South Asian background! Kudos Doctor.. we the people from the subcontinent are taught to people please since we are children especially women.
Wading through cultural norms and trying to find your authentic self #bigdeal and it requires turning the sound of your own heart up slightly louder than you can hear the voices of others! I hear you sister!
Hi my name is People Pleasing! Thank you Mel and Dr. Neha. This is very informative and applicable. The body does hold the impact of our behaviors. I’m sick mentally, physically, and emotionally from being a people pleaser. NO MORE!
Fabulous to hear!! #yougotthis
Well done @Kimbula186 🙌👏👏
Wow!! Such a powerful and needed message…my middle name since I can remember is people pleaser. I am now 51 and extremely irritated with everyone and everything because I just want to do what I want!!!! Working on this and this helped a ton!
Isn't 50 fab?!?! Finally time to be YOU and let go of what everyone else thinks about it.
@@Doctorneha yessss!!! I just don’t care anymore! It’s whatever I decide lol so refreshing!
As a Christian, in my mid 30s I realized the only one that I need to please is God. Not my parents, siblings, friends, or husband. I was raised just like dr Neha in a Pakistani Christian community. Being the good daughter was so Ingrained in me that I had no identity of my own. I became so sick and developed Rheumatoid Arthritis. I started noticing that stress stemming from taking care of my extended family and meeting their expectations was causing my sudden flare ups & taking a break from those situations brought relief in my RA symptoms. A light bulb went off in my brain. That I needed to stop this nonsense of pleasing everyone around me. First of all it was never enough second of all they weren’t my god!!! I’m not created to worship these individuals. I’m created to worship ONLy the almighty God! I still love all my family but the focus is centered correctly now. And I feel all the better for it physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this deep and profound realization. There's a reason women are the ones with 80%+ autoimmune diseases- literally our own body's defense system turning on us! So when we are so focused on others, we have overridden our own bodies signals by saying yes to others and denying ourselves of what we need to feel well. Really powerful that your lived experience told you this! Kudos to paying such close attention.
@@Doctorneha Thank you so much for replying to my comment! I really enjoyed listening to you.
As CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN C CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN
You’re so right.
Amen! 😃🎊🙏🏻✝️❤️
As a Nurse practitioner, this hits home!!
We teach people how to treat us.Most people don't want to abuse our caring,kindness to start with,but we let them . I've learnt healthy boundaries.👌🥰
I do not take responsibility for other peoples choices and treatment of me or anyone else. Why? Because they know what is right and wrong, they know when they are taking advantage of someone, they know if they are a bully! Boundaries don’t control other people only respectful people will honor them. I have been shocked by people I never would have believed they could be so disrespectful. Maybe you live in a bubble somewhere of extra nice people and thats why you think we can teach people how to treat us. I must be around a bunch of slow learners😂
@@lisareid7043 I certainly don't live in a bubble.You probably couldn't have gone thru all the many things I have & come out as a peaceful person who also takes takes "some" responsibility in life situation's.Which U clearly aren't bcos nobody can do stuff to us unless we allow it. Hence me saying I have healthy boundaries to not even let anyone overstep MY "boundaries" ...you're obviously very angry. I get yr point for sure.
For me though, U have a very unpleasant energy to have to let out yr unresolved issues U clearly have ,in such a negative time toward's some1 u don't know on RUclips & laughing at them .
Hope U at least feel better to get that off yr chest. Maybe now look in the mirror why you're so angry.
I'm not responsible for what u've been through.
Good luck with letting out yr bitterness on complete strangers U don't have to face in real life 🤣
Sabine, what I hear u saying is that how you treat yourself & whether you stand up for what you believe in or not allows other people to know what you will or won’t put up with.
@@Doctorneha yes thank you 🙏🥰
I have spent 34 years trying to make up to my son for some of the things my ex his Dad to him. As thanks for me spoon feeding him every step of his life he walks straight over me. But i finally told him last night when I caught him yet again ordering beer, take away food and cigarettes with my credit card that I am done with pampering him. I will not be giving him money making excuses for him when i dont even so much as receive a birthday or mothers day card or any of the other things I do. It was hard as I love him but I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and still work full time whilst he claims benefit money and sits back saying woe is me. I will not be going back on my word either. There are others that i shall be getting honest with as well so Thank you to Mel and the Dr.
Mel Robbins!!!
You and your lovely guest have hit the ball OUT OF THE PARK!!!
Wow! Such a great episode. You’ve opened my eyes. You’ve forced me not only to ask myself these questions, but to also consider these questions and to be mindful of other people’s, specifically my people pleasing daughters, motives and knee jerk reactions when they offer to help, to give, to do, to fix.
I’m so truly grateful for how you open our eyes and minds and hearts to what is really going on with those of us who engage in people pleasing. I see one daughter in particular becoming mentally and physically I’ll die to people pleasing. She’s smart. She recognized that something was not right and sees a therapist now who is helping her immensely.
Mel, thank you for helping me to recognize the sneaky killer that people pleasing really is.
I just wanna hug you right now. And your doctor guest…such a lovely and intelligent woman. Thank you both! 🙏🏻
Carol, you made my heart smile! Your daughters are so lucky to call you mom!
@@Doctorneha that was *mentally and physically ill, due to people pleasing*.
I loved your story @Doctorneha. It brought back memories of my father’s impatience and how it affected me. You’re brilliant! Thank you so much! My family and I have been talking about this all day, and everyone is so self-aware and forgiving and loving. Oh the things you’ve set in motion today!
YAY!!! So glad to hear this...@@carolpaino
Add Fibromyalgia to the mix of diseases that can be caused by people pleasing. When your mouth can't make your true state of being overwhelmed/exhausted be heard and your body starts with all the pain to protect yourself from the outside and forces you to hide within.
I was currently talking about exactly this topic with my friends ( did you listen in on our chat Mel?) How often we women are the ones being broken because we put our own needs last, trying to be the "good girl/daughter/wife/mum" and then end up with cancer, fibromyalgia, depression, burn out or mental illnesses caused by all the internal battle of giving too much and working against our own true wishes and our health.
Thank you for this podcast ❤.
So true! When we can't say no, the body has to do it for us.
The biggest changes I made to help with my people pleasing were 1) retiring and 2) moving away. Now that I don’t have co-workers and friends to please (I was a REAL pp) I can decide what it is that I want to do -and not want to do!!
So exciting to have a fresh start #newbeginnings #take2 #doover!
Will that help? Seems like it made you run and not deal with it head on ?
@@rachellefromcali It wasn't until after I moved (leaving behind 36 years of relationships and history) that I realized I had been living in a toxic environment relationally. At first, I was really lonely, but over time (and joining CoDA, and working on my codependency) I was able to make healthy friend relationships. I didn't run away-I had no financial choice after retiring.
Wherever you go there you are.
Wow!!! I’m 66, dealing with seizures, now heart issues - and this broadcast finally opened my eyes.
6:45
People pleasing
is the moment
when you
Give up
What matters to you
So that you can belong
OMG 😮 I just realised I much I’m a people pleasure… and how It’s difficult to deal with this inconfort to chose myself and said no! For result back, neck and shoulder pains, because I take to much on myself all this years! Thank you so much Mel 🙏🏽
This is amazing. A few months ago, I would tell people I didn't have a personality because I didn't make my own decisions. I stopped talking, I didn't do anything without my husband's permission. I thought that was the person I was supposed to become and I would feel fulfilled but I've never felt more resentful and empty and lost.
Thx for sharing Maria-sounds like you're on an important journey.
I'm so happy for you. I can't help wonderful what type of person our spouse, friend, partner etc. is when they seem to expect us to behave they way they want & never seem to see how we have lost ourselves trying to people please.
I can't help wonder, not wonderful
I am such a ppl pleaser. Just keep the peace. My sister and I both.
This show came at the perfect time. I've been so sick lately and so stressed. I worry worry worry so much about people and how they'll react, what they'll think or say. If I do wrong I just worry. I want everyone else to be happy I don't think about myself at all. This is perfect thank you so much ❤️ ❤❤❤
I am the same always running after everyone needs and wondering if I offended anyone or hurt anyones feelings if I needed to say no. Seriously what is this about? Is it being too kind a lack of confidence what? Anyways if I figure it out maybe I can change alittle
I’m even more weird.."…
I actually don’t want to be happy until everyone else is happy
Big problem right
I pray all is well with you!! Praying that you’re covered with strength to overcome all obstacles ! Be blessed hunn you got this ❤
It's just someone who wants to be loved, appreciated, seen, and felt.
Omg. This couldn't have came into my life at a better time. I need to watch again. Resentment being bullied. All the things. Thankyou. Stomach issues. I suspected stress as the issue. I'm sure it is😕
So glad it resonated!
I am now completely different after people pleasing. It literally makes me sick to be around people who push their ideas on me. Maybe it’s after two controlling relationships. When I feel pressure from other people today…I want to run from these people so fast. I refused to be controlled by anybody now. Those people make me physically ill.
It’s been a day since I listened & I can’t get over how deeply the sailboat analogy resonates with me. This was part of a life-changing experience for me. A Godsend …
You can not believe how incredible this is!!! Healthcare 3.0 is the new way of life. GO!!!!!!
It’s about time, right!!!
Mel, I can’t tell you how much this episode helped me💎💎💎💎💎 I have so many notes and takeaways 🤭🖐🏾 As I type I’m playing back the conversation and so much of my life makes sense. Thank you for telling me “no one is coming” I’m still doing the work and the podcast are needed! I’m grateful you follow through on your goal! You knocked it out of the park!
What’s the difference between a people pleaser and having to live with a narcissistic personality? Let’s get deep I have been suffering all my life with both. Father abusive, narcissistic, abandoned….mother a pleaser, pleaser, pleaser but never with me, ex-husband narcissistic and I’ve been the pleaser also, I’m in medicine. Thank you Mel and DoctorNeha
There are ways we adjust to our environment as children ( no choice) and then as we get older & we gain awareness & realize we do have choice, we get to strengthen our personal power within, heal those wounds & make v different choices! Just that you are asking the Q’s tells me ur ready to upgrade these relationships that haven’t felt satisfying ( or perhaps you’ve outgrown them?) you will know as you heal them.
I had same circumstances as a child .narcissistic father ,ppl pleasing mother ,mostly for survival. Iv attracted partners and some freinds similar but ,at 60 finally ,I'm setting stronger boundaries and while iv lost some ppl from my life ,iv kept the ones who truly matter.
I Was on disability for two years for back and hip pain and all because of people pleasing and not taking care of myself first I am learning that now as I healed and learning to love myself more and more everyday
This conversation is 100%!!! I feel for husband Mel, I understand and a similar from a child-parent dynamic scenario.
Wow, this is my second time watching this episode, and I just realized at 50 years old, having the same childhood trauma of being taken from one parent to the other without explanation, and feeling like driftwood for many years. Thank you for bringing this awareness to light. 💝
Wowsa!!! You always have the best content and the best experts on your channel, Mel!!!
Thank you doesn’t even begin to describe the gratitude for the education you’re giving us all.
It makes me realize life can be fabulous at any age and that there is a way back to being happy.
Thank you for providing the tools to help ourselves into fabulosity.
I LOVE YOU 💕!!!
I think I better dance now!💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽🎵🎼🎶
Love you Mel, Dr. Neha and everyone out there. This bumpy life is our journey. But people like you Mel and Dr. Neha make the difference.
I'm very much a victim of stress causing most of my health problems, categoriesd as fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, BP, mytrol valve prolapse 😂 to name a few...
Love and light to one and all 🙏 😘💕
The part of Dr Sangwan’s words that sent an electric shock up my spine comes at 42:28. I have seen a dozen doctors in the last 2 years looking for answers to several health issues. They don’t seem to be aware that they are showing anger when I don’t accept their solutions/medications without question. When I ask WHY? WHY? WHY? do I have this condition??? They can’t get me out of the office fast enough. They do not want me to participate in my health. What I hear is: “take the drug, get out and stop wasting my time.” Dr Sangwan is incredible. Thank you.
I am so like this with my mother who I just spent 10 days with and couldn’t wait to leave!!!!
When you were taken from your grandparents you felt like you must not have been good enough so you tried to become the best child you can be, the root of your becoming a yes person to be the best you could be so that they wouldn't so that no one would send you away again
You got it @tianiemitchell5692 !! Took decades to unravel and stand in my personal power ❤
I recently reflected on how my two children (a boy and a girl, ages 20 and 16) are so different from me. I am a social butterfly and feel very comfortable talking to people and trying to resolve people's problems (I'm a professor and doctorate in nutrition so I do a lot of listening and trying to lift people up). Then it hit me: My children aren't quiet and aloof. They just value themselves and their own privacy, outlook and, well, themselves. How odd is it that for many of us the default is to take care of everyone else and then feel tortured because we don't feel taken care of. This is a great podcast to bring some of this nonsense to life! Thank you, Mel.
This! Wow 🤯
Totally and completely couldn't agree more with you 100% 💜💜💜💜💜💜
Wow like you said Mel, "profound"
Thank You Both.
Blessings
when i realized my dilemma of people-pleasing a few years ago (without knowing the name of this phenomenon at the time - this happened a few months ago when i heard the song of the same name by cat burns), i started saying NO and made the following, most amazing experience: in 99.9 % of the cases !!!!! it is absolutely no problem for my counterpart when i say no !!!!
(babysitting, helping with the move, doing the chores, coming to a party I don't want to go to, looking for something I haven't misplaced, doing last-minute laundry in the night before a party or trip, baking something for the children's party at school, cleaning up after a party I wasn't part of....)
it doesn't take a minute for them to acknowledge it and immediately look for another solution to the problem. ( instead of the hours !!!!! -- it probabably took you, to please this person * read it again!!! )
if the first NO isn't enough, i say something like this: "please think about it for a moment, you're making your problem mine. i can understand that, because it's simply human. but the next time you get the chance, you'll find yourself at the same unsatisfactory point. that will be unpleasant again, or even more unpleasant than it is now. so why don't you just try in your own interest to take responsibility / to rise above yourself and find a solution to help yourself. i had to learn that too but i can promise you it feels absolutely great. let's talk about it afterwards when you've done it, i'm very curious about."
honestly - i never expected that, but that's exactly how it is! try it out!
have fun experiencing how well it works :)
I love #relationshipexperiments that yield surprising & delightful results
and I love you Mel, for making this interview! :)
I needed to listen to this! Wish I'd found you sooner to have found myself sooner because I've been feeling so lost and undermined for 2 decades; It's gotten toxic now.a
I started saying no, and how to deal with life in general. I always was told to do certain things, since I'm starting over, I have had to say no to many things that no longer work for me. I'm suddenly single, have to work pay my bills, but make decisions for myself. Recently men have told me what role they want me in, but if my answer is no, my answer is no. I can decide what I want and don't want. I want to belong, but for being me, for doing what is for me. So I am practicing boundaries and new decisions.
So impressive that you’re first choosing to belong to you! Then you will see who likes the authentic you. Fantastic 🎉
Thank you for the encouragement, I'm willing to bet on myself, and work on my well being. Rebuilding into a better life for myself.
This is my second time listening to this episode. The first time I was so shook by how much it resonated with me that I sent it to my mother, brother and my therapist! Now I’m re-lisenting and taking notes!!!
I wish we could have it in different languages, my boyfriend speaks French and is a serial people pleaser who would benefit soo much from this show!!
Thanks Mel for having such pertinent and diverse topics and specialists on your show! It truly is a treat!!
Try going to settings on this video ⚙️, then ➡️captions ➡️auto translate for subtitles. Shame there isn’t a voiceover in other languages though(correct me if I’m wrong, someone!).
This was so thought provoking. I’m a chronic people pleaser, and my mother’s the queen. She has been living with heart failure despite a healthy lifestyle. I have to wonder if at least in part her condition is due to constantly overextending herself and burying her resentments. I will use that as an example of what not to do.
My only answer to my feeling is my tears I feel better after I cry,hope one day I will get emotional freedom.
When I sacrificed myself in order to help my parents and care for them at time of need , my business partners took it as a sign of weakness.. I limited my work involvement to necessary income level I needed.
But I did what pleased me. I am at ease with myself, this gives me sanity and physical health. My priority is Family, relationships, time spent with the people, etc...., and a good working environment. My decisions are motivated by these principles, avoid internal conflict. 🎉😊 good interview, wonderful lecture
Thx A LOT.
This is my favorite interview. I loved the doctor and how clear she talks
Thank you for ur heartfelt words
I agree with you on that statement seek pleasure and avoid pain but as a child when you have no idea what the world is even about self-preservation just to fit in so whether you become really mean and demanding or kind and loving and people pleasing but these are tools to try to figure out where to fit in and how to get people to respond to you it's all a learning process that's for sure
The older I get I have come to realise that No has to be the answer. I am now 62 years young.
For 50 years of.my life I have been the people pleazer...
Great awareness. Thx for sharing
I grew up a people pleaser as a child and it influenced me as an adult. Now as a parent I want to learn ways to teach my kids not to be people pleaser.
I've been quite a people pleaser myself I love being nice but have to admit it's like an inbuilt behavior I've had a bit of a trauma growing up when I was just past 19 being homeless for a bit I didn't want anyone else to feel sad worthless or miserable learning to say "No" especially now days moving into next year will be a great goal for me to work on I will get their and be better then ever
And all you guys will to never give up hope I'm a spiritual person and Faith is out their always guiding us watching us
Love that!
I too had a dad that was getting mad all the time now I know why I am a people pleaser
Thank you so much Mel and Dr. Neha. I resonated with this podcast so much. When the doctor told Dr. Neha that her efforts were appreciated, it meant a lot. Most of the time I feel invisible. Pleasing others even 24 hrs is still not enough.
Such great insight. Thats often a sign to me that I’m not addressing the root of the problem…when I’m working hard and I still feel empty or disconnected. Then I ask myself, what am I trading of myself in order to belong? And what would belonging to myself first look like? Feel like?
This is so amazing. Thank you Mel and Dr. Sangwan. Mel it hits home so hard. That missing safe space is an issue.
5 years working for one particular client, has left me financially strained, severe anxiety and depression and severe burn out. I became a lawyer to please my parents and my life is a living hell.
Definitely profound ❤ i am inspired. This makes so much sense! And the way Mel so beautifully drew together and articulated the key points really brought it home for me. Learn to embrace the discomfort and act from a place of authenticity. That's the take away i got. Gotta have those hard conversations, it's so worth it!
Learning to communicate with myself and tolerate unease is a brilliant take away
Hi Gail, how's your day going with you?
It’s literally the first & most important step!
I accidentally dropped into this episode ….. it resonates at this particular time as well….. crazy how the universe puts stuff we need into our sphere if we let it .
incredibly insightful! Ive been diving into childhood trauma and learning about how those transform our lives in so many subtle ways. Ive been a conflict avoider all my life. I also felt unheard, especially if i expressed big emotions. I was loud as a kid and it was in order to get someone to hear me.
Hi Julie, how's your day going with you?
Makes total sense Julie. And amazing that its time to heal all that pain & you get to become the adult that young child needed!
My overfunctioning, people pleasing neighbor was smothering! She would not observe my boundaries. She brought food, plants over, offered to walk my dogs, set up a drip system sprinkler system in my front yard without being asked to. Etc. Overwhelming birthday and Christmas gifts. When i asked whatbi couldvdo firbher, she saud " you just have to be my friend" . (Transactional) When I set limits, she'd say, "that fells like a slap in the face!" *resentment)
Sounds incredibly frustrating. It's true that depending on what type of trauma we've had in our lives (and whether we actively work to heal it) - affects our boundaries. For some people they have experienced abandonment and they will do anything not to be left again. For others painful experiences cause them to draw very rigid boundaries that keep out the danger, but also don't let in connection, gratitude or love. So hard when it's one extreme or the other...all in an attempt to avoid pain, but often times ends up as the cause of additional pain.
You nailed it. Next door neighbors at both end of the Needy vs avoiding a
This was perfect timing !! I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed , anxious and stressed. My body has been sending signals for days now !!!
To your parents, it is an act of love, but to a child "why am i being separated?" Or in my experience "what did I do wrong?"
I always apply to my child now that his perspective will always be different from mine. No matter good my intentions are, I am trying to get an opinion from my 6year old. To show him that his voice matter
Resentment that builds after people pleasing not only comes from boundaries being crossed, or from putting yourself last, but also from the lack of gratitude given to the people pleaser after they’ve put in extra energy into pleasing a person or a group of people who didn’t acknowledge or appreciate the efforts that were made on their behalf. Especially if the people pleaser made an unacknowledged beneficial impact for them.
The people pleaser usually wants the people that they are pleasing to be happy but for them to attribute that happiness to them and their efforts. When this doesn’t happen it feels like rejection to the pleaser. That is the part that hurts. That is the part that builds resentment. The lack of gratitude. The pleaser is left feeling like there was no reciprocal benefit, not even the feeling of them doing something good for another.
The people pleaser usually goes above and beyond the norm, so they actually do exert a lot more energy than most people around them because their focus is outward to take care of others while still trying to take care of themself. When they don’t get the fuel they need to keep going they feel burned out, and if their efforts continue to not be acknowledged then that repetitive disappointment festers into bitterness.
The people pleaser needs to please to feel accepted by people. If they aren’t pleasing it messes with them on an internal level. Resentment also persists when the pleasers needs are not met in return because the pleaser is usually pleasing a taker not another pleaser. People pleasers often anticipate the needs of others and it can hurt and feel like they aren’t loved if the people close to them don’t make extra efforts for them in return.
I could be wrong, this is just my perspective on an aspect of this topic …I’m sure there is more that could be added to this but I’ll end it here.
(My comment is based on this part: 29 minutes 41 seconds in)
This is a really great subject. Thanks for this, very insightful.
29:55
This is extremely healing right now. Mel, I’m a big fan of your work. As a Puerto Rican Woman, this is a given, especially for the oldest child in my community. Gracias
She sounds like me!! And her story so close to mine! In tears! Needed to hear that! Thank you Mel and Dr Sangwan
What a great doctor and woman! O God how we need this!❤
Hey Mel, good to actually see you as I usually listen to your podcasts in the car. I found your podcasts after a couple of short videos of yours on Facebook hit me straight across the face…… in a good way. Some of subject matters you choose seem to arrive just at the right time and hit home. Thank you 😊
Totallyyyy relate !! just became aware and working on this , it was my way to be loved and appreciated , over now . thank you for taking care of this unconscious pattern !! love and light
So glad it was helpful
Listened to this podcast today and it literally screamed out to me, I could relate to so much of it. Thank you.
So wonderful to hear it made a positive impact! Thx for letting us know
Jeez Melanie thank you for casting such a beautiful prosperity spell on me!! I think of you with all your love and light sitting there making these recordings for me and the rest of the world and feel so inspired! I believe if you, dear one, believe I can resonate with the energy of prosperity and abundance, then you must be true!! 🙌💖🤗
In work teams there are functional and dysfunctional staff. Several leaders intentionally scope the talent and temperaments and then "exploit the best, who carry the rest". Excellent workers are often strategically groomed to burn out and those employees who "coast" simply watch and laugh. Setting boundaries with an employer is critical - maintaining those boundaries though can be soul sucking.
Most people learn to set boundaries with critical, jealous and unsupportive birth family members but it requires so much therapeutic work. Then people partner up and try to help a loved one deal with the same thing.
Setting boundaries has to be intentional and then sitting with the discomfort to keep reinforcing the boundaries is critical at work, with birth family and with in-laws.
It is so helpful that we can create intimate inner circles of friendships - family that we choose.
If you have to set a boundary with a friend, it might be time to re-evaluate the value of the friendship. If envy, jealousy, or time-stealing drama happens, it is time to bless and release them.
Furthermore, if in any relationship, people intentionally lie to you or about you, it is time to eliminate or limit any time spent in engagement.
I love how clear you are about your values & your absolute lines in the sand. Each person must figure this out for themselves in order to navigate relationships clearly
Thank you so much Mel for this episode “learn to feel the discomfort” 🙏❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Mel and Dr Sangwan! It's perfect timing since I have been dealing with gallbladder issues for a year and just 2 weeks ago had it removed. I wondered if maybe it wasn't JUST diet but also stress. Reason being is that doctors asked if I was on birth control since higher hormone levels affect the gallbladder, but I ALSO learned that cortisol is ALSO a hormone (which cortisol is released when we are stressed). I've also been in therapy in the past for people pleasing but had a feeling that this was affecting my health....stomach cramps, zoning out, ect. These questions that Dr Sangwan asked her patients at the end connected the dots. Before my surgery, I had let go of many people that were manipulative and was feeling relief from stress. But now deal with effects afterwards, I'm centering myself on: Who am I, and my values.
You are so impressive! I love how you're tuning inward and trusting your intuition.
This is right on time, I am a people pleaser and didn't really realize it. Currently reading "Mirror Work", oh my goodness, all this is full circle and now makes sense. I am glad to find this out so I can release and move into a peaceful space. Thank you thank you thank you
I know this all so well I was the Queen of people pleasing going through the healing journey so this is so helpful!
When you're bullied from birth by literally everyone, starting with your family of origin, of course you people please.
I highly recommend Pete Walker's book and work on CPTSD and the Fawn response.
Only now uprooting mine at 56, finally.
I hate appeasing people or saying yes to keep conflict away but yes it's better to be humble to a violent person
Thank you!!! I woke up into the day when something should have been change in case I wanted to feel at least not worth that before.
Wishing you gratefulness from your clients, loads of recovery cases ❤
Thank you so much Mel and Neha. I needed this today as i am right in the middle of deep self reflection and am seeking a solution needing help
This is a wonderful episode. Not only because of the knowledge, but because of the heart that went into it!
Thanks a lot for such a useful and precious work that you realised. I noticed a lot of kindness and sincerity when I was hearing this podcast.
This was one of the best episodes. So much similarities, lessons and learnings. Thank you Mel & Dr. Neha :)
You are so welcome ❤
Tjis episode literally made me cry!! Thank you for bringing us the hard talk. I love you 2!
25:32 ONCE A nurse,always a nurse.Add 20 yrs in ICU,MOM,pta mom ,room mom, team mom,Girl Scouts, volunteer,-- who am I here for !?? TYTY❤ although, I dont mind a good conflict occasionally;)
Thank you so much for this excellent episode! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜💫💫💫
Love ur handle YouAreJoy! Right back atcha!