DARVO, Narcissism and Sibling Estrangement
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
- What is DARVO? This acronym -- Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - is a form of gaslighting and a manipulative tactic often used by narcissists to gain power and control. Narcissists use this diverting strategy to invalidate, discard, and minimize a sibling and to safeguard their own fragile egos. When engaging in DARVO, narcissists change the facts and twist the narrative to cast themselves as victims and the sibling as the perpetrator. Brothers and sisters who experience DARVO may begin to doubt themselves and question their own reality. In this episode, we make viewers aware of this confusing, cunning pattern of behavior, and we explore ways to respond to these situations.
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**Ali-John Chaudhary, Psychotherapist**
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Hold on to your sense of self, self worth and the truth...💪
Apparently, once you discover that you are dealing with a full blown narcissistic sibling, you can't keep giving them 'second chances'...every encounter and every piece of information about your life that you share, will, in some way, be used against you. In actuality, you've lost them and must realize that and grieve that loss so they cannot continue to hurt you. The cold and hard truth is that narcissistic siblings are NOT and NEVER AGAIN WILL BE a "loving, caring, compassionate and supporting person in your life...Let go of that ideal.
If they are born that way, is there sympathy for them? How hard is it for you to break life long habits? I understand better if the narcissist was told upfront and straightforward what their behavior does to hurt you. They've been warned. Give them time to learn better methods and acknowledge their bad maladaptive behavior. But just walking away from a human without offering them a chance to redeem themselves is something I cannot understand. Someone or something made them narccistic. Yes they are unlikely to see it in themselves but wouldn't you want an opportunity to try to repair a situation? They are still human
@@kellimihalic116 No, true “narcissists” are not - in the normal way - human. They cannot be restored to humaneness by telling them how their behaviour hurts, in fact, if they find out what really hurts you it super charges them to use that information to really twist the knife when it suits them. That’s why it is never advisable to go to couples therapy with a narcissist because there openness and vulnerability is encouraged and that’s where they learn all the ways to hurt and harm you. If you do not have experience of a diagnosed narcissist you may be equating someone with narcissistic traits with an actual narcissist. I have experience of both. In my experience, the latter can change but it seems to come about if that person has had a major life altering experience happen to them, themselves. Not anything a sibling might explain to them about their hurtful behaviour. And no one is born a narcissist. A child may suppress their true self if emotionally harmed in their relationship with their primary carer if for example that cater is shut down, depressed and rejects them , then they grow into a narcissist. If that happens, it takes years and years of therapy to even slightly alter their responses to others. The narcissistic traits version, can indeed change but their behaviour is usually directed toward individual family members that only changes if their”perfect lives” take an unexpected turn for the worst. I]usually a personal tragedy that is so impactful that they begging to realise that the person they looked down on were the subject of “bad luck” not badness in and of themselves. They may then gain insight into what is valuable in another person is not what they’ve got but who they are. Not so with a diagnosed narcissist. Surface appearance and maintaining it and an inviolable sense of perfection always what matters to them. Become imperfect in any way and you’re done. That is what appears to have happened to the writer above. They cannot tolerate “weakness” so illness makes them flee, discard you and cut you out of their lives. It’s too threatening to them and reminds them of their own, early vulnerability. They never ever want to go there again if they can help it.
Not workable. Sadly. Spent 5 years supporting siblings in the care of elderly narcissist parent. Stepped in on regular rota weekends, their holidays, Christmas, Easter, Bank holidays, birthdays, weddings, wedding anniversary’s, their children’s birthdays, annual leave, to release them from carers roles. That meant leaving my own family and traveling 150 kilometres to stay in their homes with the bedridden narc. Usually alone. No holidays for me during the period. Parent now passed. Siblings immediately in devalue and discard phase. No solution but to walk because to survive all of this, it is essential to get out of harms way. Don’t look back.
Yep - as the scapegoat of a very narcissistic family, I went no-contact with all of them 10 years ago. Never looked back. Now that narcissistic mother is approaching her 90s, my narcissistic siblings can all take turns in caring for her. I’m staying out of harm’s way.
@@elizabethd.2398 Yes it has been 3 yrs happiness
I've been going through all of this with a sibling whose behavior totally changed when I developed severe PTSD from surgical trauma. Overnight we went from having a very close relationship and bond, to her shutting me out and treating me like a massive inconvenience..the contempt she had for the state I was in was soul crushing, as I was so broken and vulnerable. Over time she systematically destroyed my sense of reality, confidence and I blamed myself for wrecking everything. I was left questioning everything, where I shut down altogether as I lost my voice. She didn't care about me at all and implied I was making a big deal out of nothing, turning my family on me and I have been ostracized. All of this has applied, I'm minimised, dismissed and too sensitive. None of my feelings are valid and I'm blamed for how I am feeling. No accountability or responsibility and everything is my fault. It's really hard to admit that I've been subjected to extreme emotional and psychological abuse, by the sibling I trusted more than anyone else. The most recent abuse has been the silent treatment when she blocked my number for no reason at all, when I was trying to help with my Mum who was in hospital. She shut me out from offering any input into my mother's medical care when I have a deeper understanding of her health.
The trauma from this has been much worse than the medical trauma, I've as it's forced me to grieve the losses of each of the family members I love dearly, and accept they don't feel like I'm worth the hassle. Thank you for this video as it's supporting my healing process along with great books.
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 I feel for you. It is truly distressing and frightening to find oneself discarded at a t most vulnerable time in your life. Picking up the pieces and carrying on is never easy but you have to for your own self’s sake. You will survive, I promise you. You will learn to protect yourself from the sibling in future. It feels like a complete tragedy at the time. But now you know, you cannot rely on that sibling so develop relationships that will withstand the knocks of life, you will be better off. Best wishes.
When my siblings turned on me and almost pushed me to suicide, I knew I needed a strong and reliable relationship with someone outside the control of toxic family dynamics. That was when I became a Christian and made a relationship with God. Now, no matter what abuse or neglect comes my way, I have a relationship that is not effected by anyone else. That relationship is always perfectly safe, reliable, dependable : my rock.
Thank you for this.