One thing missing from this video is the point that we can be conditioned into feeling shame for things that we really shouldn't, or feeling it way too intensely. Just as the avoidance of shame can become maladaptive, so can the shame itself. So for someone who had toxic parents, who made them feel shame for things that you never should have, that person is going to struggle if they try to use shame as an indicator for when they should change their behaviour. edit: No, the part he briefly talks about at around 5min is not what I'm talking about. That part is just a "and here's an example of how powerful and long-lasting shame can be", not "and that's why you shouldn't always assume that it's a good idea to listen to your shame".
If shame is good then im a winner, the self hatred i have breaks any limit its unbearable. I should have been a miscarriage, i should have been discarded into a trashcan like the worthless waste of space i am. Absolutely hate myself.
Yeah without this crucial piece of context I actually think this is a pretty toxic video. Dr. K needs to either redo this or add a segment to draw a distinction.
Yeah I always feel ashamed. Not about behaviours but about inherent characteristics of myself that I can't change rn. Like, I'm ashamed of my looks, I'm ashamed of having missed out on a lot of important developmental steps in life especially as it pertains to socialisation, I'm ashamed of not dating, of not having friends, I'm ashamed of not having cloud, of not having money, of not feeling in control of my life, of not having my degree yet, of loosing my hair at 26, of not being a blast to be around etc.
My mom already gave me this lesson, might not have to watch this one. Edit: the old title for this video was “why you should be ashamed of yourself” that is what I am referring to in this comment.
Same here man, since I was a kid to now she loves shaming me. One tactic she uses is by making me feel awful for having this behavior or wanting this thing, me wanting to change or not want that only to say “don’t worry about it” or “i’ll get it for you” in a tone of voice that indicates she wants me to feel awful and hurt. Basically reverse psychology guilt trip.
I gotta say I’ve been ashamed of myself almost all my life but I’ve almost never used it in a beneficial way. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life running from shame and allowing it to paralyze me by simply avoiding everything and anything, and in turn I’ve developed agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder… I get why this vid isn’t for everyone but I genuinely find it SO helpful to view shame in the way you’re describing in this video. so thank you 😭
I understand what everyone is saying about toxic shame and it crossed my mind too. I and many other people have the problem of feeling embarrassed for something that should be normal. Still, I find this video very valuable, because using shame to move us forward is the other side of the coin. It's a question of balance, of discerning when to use one approach or another.
@@lunaromance2243 1) Use shame as an incentive to change your life (covered in the video) 2) Don't be ashamed of good things just because society pressures you.
What i think toxic shame actualy means is using it to shame others Feeling shame to improve yourself i find it a good thing but shaming others is messed up thats toxic shame
I think you have to analize your case first. In my case i never had problem with shame when i was a kid, when i did bad i would feel ashame but not because someone pointed their finger to me, but because i by myself realized that i was not happy with the results, example: making a friend cry by playing too rough. And when i made a stupid mistake like saying wrong a word or something that expose my ignorance i would feel very little shame, i would just learn something new and keep going with my life. What made me change all of that behavior was other people pointing their fingers and mocking me for stupid things, i mean at first i would just ignore that or beat them up if they get too annoying, but i couldn't do that at home with my mother or stepfather and after living that way for so long i become fearful of making any mistake in public, not because i thought im stupid by making any mistake but because i did'nt want to get people laughing and mocking me while i look at the ground cause i just feel like is wrong to defend myself. If you were saying me back then that i have to act on my shame i would be miserable by acting on what people want for me, first you have to identify what shame is the valid shame, like being ashame of being such a pathetic person that keeps acting on what other people want, then you act on it. It seems like something obvious but is something that can make people go lower than they already were if not clarified. Edit: Also, being ashamed of myself never worked on me, even with the "valid shame", what worked was just believe in my principles and staying by my side no matter who get angry or laugh.
I've listened to a lot of psychological advice and self-help stuff online for years and this is the first time someone explains the function of shame so succinctly. Thank you, Dr. K!
There needs to be a distinction between feeling shame for something you can work on improving about yourself and feeling shame for something you have no control over. Also, shame can be dangerous for anyone suffering from chronic depression. All it takes is a little nudge and down the spiral they go.
read "Healing the shame that binds you" by Dr. John Bradshaw, it deals exactly with the issue of internalized, toxic shame and how people become so trapped in it, where it comes from and how to eventually overcome it. it gave me a lot of context to things ive been experiencing for years but couldnt really explain.
The point isn't that the shame is right, its that it can motivate you to action. If you're ashamed to, for instance, have a speech impediment, that shame is rarely productive. However, many people's shame motivates them to practice speaking and learn to flow better with it, and with enough practice, many people overcome the shame in the first place whether or not they get rid of the speech impediment. The shame might motivate you to expose yourself to the "problem" enough to where you become stronger at not feeling ashamed of it.
@@timothycalco8089That's an interesting take. Years back I indeed felt shame over "not being able to pull my weight" so to say. I had unrealistic expectations from myself, that I knew on some level were unrealistic, and yet I still felt shame and it prompted me to retreat from stuff. It's trying to get a more balanced look and checking what I can truly improve to get some results, and the appreciation of said results, which helped me if anything to stabilize that depression and even push it back to a degree. I feel like pride and arrogance can really do someone in. Not at all to victim blame but some degree of shame CAN be self-inflicted. The question is whether you accept this fact and learn and grow, or you let it haunt you.
I dunno man, I understand the point and it's a good one (about not running away from things but fixing them), but something bugs me about it all. I mean, it's easy for the shame to become toxic. I feel ashamed of feeling and thinking that life is hard for me, and if you look around at my life, it really is hard, and there are many factors outside of my control. Yet I tell myself that I'm somehow supposed to be stronger than the whole of society and even my government, and I'm supposed to thrive in horrible conditions, and that's how I shame myself. And I'm not entirely sure if what my shame tells me is true. I sort of feel like society has to fucking heal and I can't do it all by myself despite everyone. But shame doesn't care about it. So is the solution really for me to become stronger than everyone else? idk, I'm not so sure
No, you're not supposed to shame yourself to be stronger. Nor are you going to get anywhere worrying about society and anyone else. You have to teach yourself acceptance of what is, and what is for you, and choose to stay in power of what you can control. Hero's journey, friend. Do you.
It seems that your shame is telling you that it's okay for you to feel that life is hard for you. It's okay to acknowledge your pain! However, it also tells you to not lie in your pain forever, but to strive to be a better human every day. You don't have to be a super human - Giving a smile or a helping hand to someone can be enough some days!
I think you’re struggling with the truth that life isn’t as fair or easy as we believed it to be. And what is ‘society is going to heal’? Society has never been a unified collective, especially in modern Western/individualist cultures. You’ll be wasting time waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
I think a lot of what you describe as shame is actually dread or anxiety. Both of which are common symptoms of shame but can also come from many other places. You should reapproach the topic with a narrower definition instead of associating all negative feelings into this one bucket.
I experienced childhood trauma which led to my development of C-PTSD and I suspect that people who experience trauma have an unhealthy relationship with shame. In my experiences, the shame becomes a deterrent for taking actions because I fear the severe consequences that come in the case that I fail in doing an action (because now all my actions are tied to their outcomes) and I take on the identity of a failure/worthless person where my mind tells me that its pointless to try so I should stop taking an action because its only going to lead to pain or pointlessness. My unhealthy relationship with shame has led to very self-destructive behaviors involving school that ended up screwing me over in my life today as a 30 year old man. These behaviors included: - not trying in school or ditching class because it made me feel ashamed of myself - not doing homework or studying because it made me feel stupid and incompetent - avoiding people because I was ashamed to face them for whatever reason - procrastination in doing tasks - dropping classes/stop attending classes because I felt so ashamed of my performance that I would fall into a behavior of retaking and failing certain classes over and over And you know the worst part of it? You realize that you are doing it but cannot seem to stop yourself from doing the same mistakes. So, in order to cope, you go towards your addictions or negative coping mechanisms and ignore the fact that your life is falling apart/in shambles and that you're not doing anything positive to fix it. To answer Dr. K's call to re-expose myself to the shame, I would not do it for something high stakes like school. Its costly both financially and for your future.
yeah, i think uncoupling the sense of shame from the disproportionate consequences of failure is a key point in making this work. i notice that every time something disproportionately bad happens in my life (for example, i just had to move out of my place because the neighbor started getting physically aggressive because i complained about noise and suggested some solutions) i become unable to do anything for a while, because that link between "doing something wrong" and "being in danger" is so strong. it's frustrating that this doesn't seem like something we have total control over - like, even if we act in ways we think are correct people can still just react horribly and harm us.
I can relate. I too have c-ptsd from an abusive father and was bullied. I have felt shame when working in a job that required a lot of social interaction. I don’t feel human and unconsciously anticipate being mistreated. So, I felt like I didn’t belong with other people and was ashamed for being amongst them. Essentially, it feels like I am less than human. Basic kindness is a surprise to me whenever I receive it.
Im starting to get into this strategy myself. But for me, shame can only be used as a motivator after you realize what exactly is you're own fault and what is in your power to fix.
I think recognizing your shame for things you can't control can be used to become more compassionate; to build a sensibility for tragedy in your life and the lives of others.
@@heheshshdbsjshjswkqfiyou are right, those are much nicer feelings. But if you never feel shame you have probably never met the precipice of your own development. Pushing through shame in a developmental sense means you can get toward those more pleasurable feelings because you are learning to develop beyond whatever your shortcoming is. That’s the conundrum.
Yep, a quick Google search answered the question this video left me asking - there are mild and severe varieties of shame, and this video *shamelessly* lumps them together
The point I took away was, if you feel ashamed because of your own emotions eg, being fat at the beach, you still had that emotion and chances are you feel shame for being fat at home too but it doesn’t come to light as often, therefore you can harness the strong emotion to create change and also create a healthy mind. Obviously if you are happy with being fat at the beach then no changes needed. That’s what I took away.
@@ji604 I think this video may be aimed at duping the people with toxic deeply ingrained and subconscious shame into "following" their shame, which will feel right to them. But the actual process he describes will make their shame weaker, not stronger, and gradually this will convert it from that deeply ingrained subconscious invisible shame that pulls the strings behind the curtain and produces thoughts and rationalizations into a conscious regular feeling He described the process of processing shame and eventually becoming free from it, but he phrased it in a way to make it look like he's telling people to follow their shame. And I doubt it was a random happenstance
This video is very interesting, but I feel like it should've addressed the problem of what you _should_ actually be ashamed about and what you shouldn't. It's true that in today's society it's easier to avoid shameful situations, but it's also true that there are a lot of things we consider shameful for no good reason whatsoever. If we don't make sure our expectations are right before starting "the grind", we risk entering an endless cycle of shame due to never being satisfied with the things we have and the results we get. Not to mention situations where we're manipulated into feeling shame by someone else for their personal benefit, whether that be a toxic partner/relative or a company trying to sell us their products.
idk how he would quantitatively say what you should be ashamed or and what you should not. Seems more of a personal dilemma or something to bring up with your therapist.
@@wjk2674 I would say it is mentioned more in other videos, and interviews. Not this video, but I think some other ones touch on this, you just gotta go down the catelogue a bit.
I didn't think I needed to hear this. I thought, "Of course I'm ashamed of myself. Tell me something I don't know, Doctor." But I needed to hear this. There is a way out of hopeless and shameful situations through right action.
14:52 I request you to create a 2nd part of this video that addresses the nuance of shame. Shame is good for you, yes but in excess it is bad. Chronic shame is no good just like chronic sadness is no good. So, how do we address that. A video style similar like your "When to change who you are vs when to accept who you are" would have been more appreciated since that acknowledges both as solutions with nuance. Similarly, accepting shame and improving yourself is important yes but I feel the lack of solutions for the opposite side of issue/chronic shame.
This makes a lot of sense. The feeling of shame is so strong that I can remember nearly every shameful moment of my life with extremely accurate detail, which has led me to avoid situations that I find even slightly reminiscent of these memories. I've now learned that I've gotta do the exact opposite, and that the vividness of these painful memories is actually more of an aid.
Saw an interview with Alex Hormozi when he was discussing how to do the hard things to take charge of your future you basically “use what you have”. Most people aren’t starting from a place of passion, but instead a place of anger or shame. I think a good point to sum this up is Shame can be great at initiating change, but hopefully down the road you’ll develop enough positive associations to keep you going with the good habits
That was actually super inspiring. For a very long time my parents told me that I tend to start new things but never get through some plateau in what I started, just change directions. Now I’ve been going to arts academy for 3 years, and the shame is really a problem, I always avoid any kind of comparison because I feel like my art is bad. That video really inspired me, I suddenly thought - I was trying to convince myself that I don’t have to compare myself, and my art is good anyway - but maybe if I accept my feelings about my work, and accept that it’s maybe not as good as I would like it to be, that’s a chance to get better. No one’s obliged to love my work just because I did it. I think I’m gonna try to start putting myself into different contests and open calls, to harness the shame. That’s a wonderful advice
Idk about this.. I love Dr.K, but I feel like a disclaimer needs to be made that this is for people who are already in a somewhat healthy state of mind and aren't behind in life in some way. Like me in particular I'm a recovering NEET and recently diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and have began working with a therapist. I realized that deep rooted shame, zero confidence, and low self esteem kept me stuck for 2 years. There were a lot of factors that led me to becoming a NEET and some wasn't even my fault like childhood trauma and undiagnosed Anxiety disorder like I mentioned. I figured that out and practiced tons of self compassion to break out of that. And I also fixed my confidence and self esteem and my life is going towards a great direction now. Getting tons of job interviews and I think an offer might be coming soon. So shame would just devastate me and make me go back to my old ways 😅😅😅. This video is for a *particular* population that has their sh*t together somewhat and that's certainly not me YET lol.
I hear you! At the same time, I feel that the point of this vid was less that "shame is a good feeling to feel for your growth" and moreso "learning not to avoid shame and to confront and overcome it instead is good for your growth". Which means that, if I understand correctly at least, the video doesn't contradict your experiences. The shame you have felt was and is likely highly overwhelming. But to improve your circumstances, you do need to just do the things that plagued you with shame, like leave your house and idk, look for a job, for example. Like in his grocery store example, the key is in not avoiding the shame, which is what likely made being a NEET appealing in the first place, compared to the alternative? Idk! I'm sorry if I overstepped, thats just my 2 cents
I can relate. Personal story: I'm a procrastinating perfectionist. I once picked up Japanese. During conversation classes, I often froze if I couldn't say the thing perfectly. One day, before an exam, I just decided f it let's just have fun. I prepared my topic but I only tried to get the main point across, then I interacted with others to the best of my ability. Most satisfying C+ I ever got. Helped me later in practical situations.
This actually makes sense. I always get everything done for the day an hour before my husband comes home because I would be too ashamed if he realized I've been watching RUclips for 4 hours.
@@klovexthewolf It doesn't, I totally agree, that's why I'm working on it. Just because it looks like I have my life under control doesn't mean that the system behind it is sustainable.
This is a slap in my face, thanks for the wake up call. All I have been doing is going in limbo from one thing to the next never facing what I am ashamed of, and truthfully has all been on my own doing.
I’ve spent so long avoiding shame that thinking about what I SHOULD feel shameful for is difficult. And when I can hazard a guess I feel like I am just basing it off what other people seem to be ashamed about. I think for a long time I bundled shame, guilt and regret into one pile so I just threw them all aside for many years. Tapping into emotions to go beyond an external understanding feels like it will take some time.
I have autism and I'm really bad at understanding my emotions. I finally learned to recognize shame at 21 years old (I'm 23 now) and it was life changing, because until then it was this huge overwhelming feeling that almost physically pinned me to the floor, there was seemingly nothing I could do. I still have a lot to learn, but learning to recognize this feeling as shame and finally being able to understand what it means gave me the opportunity to work with it, to choose my response and to say "I have this emotion" as opposed to "this emotion has me"
I have heard it put this way... guilt is healthy, shame is not healthy 😎 Guilt is something you feel when you do something you know is not in your or anothers best interest, shame is something you feel because of a distorted social concept that is using emotional tactics to control very healthy choices that challenge the distorted social norms
That is a sort of short-sighted understanding of shame. Shame is an emotion that exists in every human and throughout all cultures. In fact, many cultures view shame as a more important emotion than guilt for regulating healthy social relations and morals. You are honestly making your life worse if you start thinking of guilt and shame as inherently healthy or unhealthy emotions. You will start adding a snap judgment layer on top of your emotions, telling yourself, "I should be feeling this," or "I shouldn't be feeling this," and that will cloud your perception of why you are feeling those emotions and how to address their cause. Sure, some people experience toxic shame, but many also experience toxic guilt.
@@pragmaticpoet shame and guilt both serve their own purposes, neither is inherently bad even if they both feel bad, though both can be toxic in their own ways. shame is largely a "social emotion" used primarily to alert you of discrepancies between what you are, or what are doing, and what you believe society expects of you. while guilt is mostly a personal emotion that alerts you of perceived personal inconsistencies, like hypocrisy or unfair bias. there is crossover between them, as personal inconsistencies can bleed through into your interpersonal life and cause you to feel shame if another person notices those inconsistencies. shame can also bleed into your own personal beliefs/feelings about yourself and make you feel guilty for doing things that lead to feelings of shame. people seeing your flaws can make you feel shame, merely noticing yourself having those flaws can make you feel guilt. both can help you notice your flaws and give you motivation to correct them. though for things you cant, or shouldnt, correct (like being average looking, or being gay, for instance), other tactics should be used aside from just using shame/guilt to motivate self-improvement. forms of therapy that use "acceptance" as a method of achieving contentment can help with feelings of shame/guilt towards things that are not actually problems (aswell as things that *are* problems that you cant do much about). as always, recommend professional therapy, but Dr. K makes his RUclips "career" from helping people get something from "trying it at home", so professional care probably isnt always necessary. (also im not a professional myself, not that i think im convincing anyone that i am :P )
Shame is the feeling that arises when we sense ourselves as invalid and disconnected from reality. It’s the feeling we get when we’re in exile to alert us to the fact that we’ve been exiled. So, shame isn’t really useful beyond its alerting you to your sense of exile, disconnection, and invalidity. What you might mean is something more along the lines of guilt or remorse, which help us correct negative or harmful behavior. Shame is the belief “I am bad”, where guilt is the acknowledgment “I did something negative and I need to correct it.”
Dr. K's videos always come at the perfect time :) I have a lot of childhood trauma and now I'm trying to re-wire a lot of the patterns from the past through therapy. Recently, I got back into a rut that shame pushed me into and made me trapped in. It's been a week since I've properly taken care of myself. I'm really grateful to come across this video now before I feel deeper into this rut, and I'm motived to use shame to make positive changes in my life again. Thank you so much
Another great video that took something I've been subconsciously realizing over a long time and made it crystal clear for me. I need to learn how to use my shame and not run from it. At the same time, I wish Dr. K more clearly made the point that some shame is useful but sometimes people make you feel shame when you did nothing wrong, which deserves a different kind of response.
Thank you for bringing this up. I used shame as motivation and it worked perfectly rather waiting for ‘support’ that was never going to come from people around me at that time in my life. I’m more independent and able to care for myself than if I hadn’t shamed myself into doing things I was scared of.
There is plenty more to say on the topic, yes... If someone gets too big of a stack of shame sources on them, it can be crushing. Which wouldn't be the case if shame avoidance weren't so easy today. Overcoming causes of shame also builds confidence (I suspect, anyway), which would make it easier to overcome future deficiencies/incompetencies... so if someone doesn't have that the challenge is that much more daunting. People need major sources of support and strength to face the stack of shame, ignore all but one layer, and keep them up while they DPS the hecc out of it. And then again until they catch up in level.
Yes but what if the success never comes, what if every time you ignore the shame and wait for something to prove you wrong you just get more shame loaded onto you in a never ending cycle of hoping one day that you prove the contradictory to your shame but it just never ends.
As someone who's been through a lot of abuse, shame is something I've more often seen being used to manipulate and control than to actually encourage people to grow. I use treating myself like a video game character and being happy when I level up, valuing the perspectives of people I trust, taking responsibility for my choices, living without regret, and preparing for my future to help me grow instead of letting everyone dictate how my life should be. I don't think positive shame has to be this big overwhelming crippling thing that keeps you trapped as it does in abusive situations. It can be encouraging yourself to try again or a friend encouraging you to consider a different perspective. The way something that makes you grow and something that keeps you trapped feel are quite different even if they are utilizing the same mechanism. The only way I can see positive shame feeling like abusive shame is if you've drowned out growth for so long that when someone confronts you about it you recognize how bad your behavior was and can't deal with the weight of your choices, or if you haven't healed from the abuse in your past so even criticism from somebody you trust feels bad. If you aren't drowning things out, are healing, and are learning I don't think you have to feel that depth of negative shame outside of abusive people.
It's almost like we need a different word for shame about things that we have the power to change vs things we don't. There's plenty of shame being doled out to folks over things like gender identity, sexual orientation, normal-but-not-conventionally-attractive body sizes/shapes, having normal sexual urges, etc. that lead to behavioral change that is often harmful to oneself. Dr K's framing of shame here focuses on using it as a motivator toward positive change (as opposed to pure avoidance) and I think he's spot-on; but when it comes to things we can't change about ourselves (and arguably shouldn't be forced to change) the approach has to be more in the direction of de-stigmatization and embracing of the thing that one was made to feel ashamed of. It's the same emotion but two wildly different treatment paths depending on how much agency a person has over circumstances that evoke the emotion.
OK Dr K, I watched the whole vid now, and a topic you don't cover is toxic shame. Oftentimes we're brought up to feel ashamed when we really shouldn't. It's still bad to run away from this shame, don't get me wrong, but the way of dealing with it is different in this scenario.
Great explanation! Really helpful. “Indeed, there existeth in man a faculty which deterreth him from, and guardeth him against, whatever is unworthy and unseemly, and which is known as his sense of shame.” Baha’u’llah
I think what we need to focus on is when people over-shame you to the point it stunts your growth. People are the reason that people don’t change. We really need to discuss situations like that. When constantly shamed, even when you are doing at all and random people you don’t even know are talking nasty about you, is bone crushingly scary and intimidating. People use shame as a toxic tool to beat you into submission. I’ve wanted to apologize for certain things that didn’t go well only to be shamed to the max. I had people I didn’t even fucking no coming up to me and around me talking shit about me near me. I tried to be nice. Do you think it helped. Nope! I was getting my ass mentally kicked every five minutes. I was expected to sit there and take it. I felt unloved, disgusting, overly ripped apart. I saw these people make mistakes and continue to do so even after because they were still. I definitely didn’t see them getting ripped apart they way I was. People can really hinder the growth of others.
I got recommended this video the day after having one of the most shameful experiences of my life. Without going into detail, I will say that it involved my college roommate who I'm going to be living with for the next several months. I can confirm that everything in this video is absolutely correct--it would be impossible to put into words the immense drive I feel to drastically change my behavior so that I no longer need to feel ashamed around my roommate.
Shame has never been a motivator for me. Guilt has, but shame leaves me feeling defeated, helpless and self-hateful. In my understanding, guilt occurs when you have done something "bad", embarrassment is when you feel you are perceived as "bad" and shame is the feeling that you are inherently bad and therefore nothing you do matters because you can't change it. I felt like Dr K was talking more about guilt and embarrassment here. Shame is something my emotionally immature parents used to control me and let their frustration/anxiety out on me - in my experience it's only ever been abusive. I didn't fit their unrealistic and unspoken expectations so they shamed me and made me feel like I was a piece of sh*t. This was not productive and not even a true reflection of who I am. If there is an evolutionary purpose for shame, I would say it's a call to check your own personal value system, define what it means to you to be good and bad, separate your behaviour from your character, evaluate how you fit in society and assess if the people shaming you are helpful or harmful.
Guilt = Knowing you did something bad Shame = Feeling bad cause you know you did something bad Embarrassment = Shame Shame is the cornerstone of growth -- as well stated in the video. Use it (for good) when you become a parent.
I’m loving the fact that the title moved from why you should be ashamed of yourself to why shame is key to a better life. I guess editor was too ashamed of the title.
Sometimes RUclipsrs change the title to appease the algorithm. There are many channels that go through several titles per video until they find the one that gets the best engagement.
I am here because I experienced tremendous amound of shame about myself and my state of life last night when I went into a group gestalt therapy meeting. Seeing all this smart ppl doing good in life, expressing themselfs properly and connecting to each other, and there is me, a simpleton with his head chopped off... felt too painful. 1h, and I was OUT. Couldnt stand it. That was hard. Now I need to know more about shame.
Don't avoid all shame by retreating or by growing, avoid it by realizing that it is dumb and you can let go of it. Easier said than done I guess. But is it really good advice to tell someone whos ashamed of their beach bod that they should try to get thinner? What if it is all in their head in the first place, and they end up developing anorexia and never stop feeling the shame. They should maybe just accept that theres a chance some people will judge them, but in this modern world you can actually find friends who won't judge you (I think maybe), and you can not judge yourself (I think). But seriously theres two moral goals in life that I can think of: 1) for yourself to be happy 2) to contribute to the world. Insecurity doesn't help with either goal. Now you can escape insecurity by fixing the problem, or by stopping to feel that way without fixing it, or letting go of it. Both are hard to actually do, but I think both should be considered
This is horrendous advice. Pretending as if the shame does not exist, aka acting as if "it is dumb and you can let go of it" is just as maladaptive as retreating from it, because that's effectively what it is. That sense of shame is there for a reason. Just as pain is in the body not to hurt us, but to tell us to avoid something in the future, shame is there to try to force us to change. Pretending that you can just ignore it is just as self-destructive as leaving Chess, then ceasing to learn guitar, and on, and on…
I've been in therapy for over a year now. I've talked about my shame around so many things for so long. And my therapist tries to tell me to look at my shame as a lesson but all I always feel I like a failure. Why are you explaining these things so well and make me understand these lessons so much better than any other mental health professional before?!
We all got different skill levels, maybe he just worded it better. On the other hand my mom always told me “the teacher only shows up when the student is ready” meaning that this time you were ready.
The root of this is to face your fear rather than letting it control you. People need to stop running so much from fear, pain, anxiety, and even discomfort. The better you can deal with those things the sooner you'll be able to get back on track when things go awry, and dealing with those things is a learned skill like anything else.
This video came at just the right time. Yesterday I almost caused a friend to get hurt by mentioning to a crackhead that he was wearing a Gucci belt. I’m gonna go tomorrow and apologise to my friend so I can get rid of this shame. Dr.K, you’re the best!
This video isn't for everyone, but I needed this message. Yes some points could be added but if he adds everything it'll be hours long. For too long I've been unproductive with my shame, and I need to try learning to move forward with it and make it productive. Thanks Dr. K!
This gives me a lot to think about. On the one hand, it means I should give more consideration to how that shame I felt during the majority of my marriage has affected me. On the other hand, I have to weigh those feelings against the fact that my ex-wife was a toxic, emotional abuser who used every opportunity to make me feel ashamed of myself so she could control my behaviour. Separating any valid criticisms she might have had from the gaslighting & belittling feels like it's going to be a pain...
It might be better to focus on developing your own values and judging your behavior in terms of how it conflicts with that rather than how she would criticize you.
You're right... You're right... Now that I think about it, keeping the voice of the person who constantly broke you down, mentally & emotionally, as your measuring stick for how you continue to live your life couldn't possibly be a healthy approach.
@@KevinDIntrovert And once you figure out your own values, try to surround yourself with good people who share those values and can support you in your growth. 😊
Wouldn't guilt be a more proper expression to use here? (Shame=what I am; guilt=what i did or didn't do) As many other viewers said, not every shame/guilt should be indication to change one's behaviour. On the other hand, as someone who struggles with alexithymia, this video was an important one.
This whole thing makes negative sense to me. I have no idea how to turn shame into a motivator. Whenever I feel shame it lingers and colors everything I do, and I really don't improve through shame. I only grow in comfort, the minute shame is introduced I shrink back into feeling stupid, useless, incapable of growth. I can't really pin this on the internet, as a so-called "elder Millenial" this was my experience even as a child. Shame meant I was dealing with something I could never grow past. It still does.
I’d say its more “be aware of and attempt to be prepared for what gives you shame in yourself.” Rather than what feels like is implied as, “create more shame for yourself.” I understand its like be in those situations of ashamed and rewire your fixing that shame to action rather than avoidance. I just think adding more problems when you may be really overwhelmed and the shame might be long term stacked onto yourself, its a bit much. Think like this Dr.K, you spawn at the bonfire, but you still have poison, burn, and curse on your character regardless of respawns. You gotta first deal with that before you can even begin to prepare for the next boss, let alone the commute to get there. So that’s multi-layered shame you have to cure first.
0:10: 😳 The video discusses the importance of shame and how it can help address problems in society. 3:27: 🕺 Shame can drive personal growth and motivate us to learn new skills. 6:12: 💔 Shame in ancient societies led to a strong desire to avoid it, but physical restraints made it impossible to retreat from circumstances that induced shame. 9:18: 😔 Shame can cause people to abandon their endeavors when they face setbacks. 12:10: 🔑 Utilizing shame can be a powerful motivator for behavioral change. Recap by Tammy AI
Disabled people get often shamed for their very existence, and behaviours that we have a limited amount of control over. As a person born with cerebral palsy a disablist society taught me to be ashamed of my very existence. Being shamed for abnormal neuromotor patterns made me work very hard to learn how to walk, but I will never have normative gait or be a good "normative" dancer. Learning that teaching me to feel ashamed of that was unfair and is where society went wrong is the one thing that liberated me. This video dangerously oversimplifies the various kinds and functions of shame.
You should watch his other video where he talks about how to do things with your life. A really good one is an earlier video where he explains procrastination. I think it is within one of the Playlists Last I deep delved into the channel, I just forget which one. It is a video where you can see chat on the screen, and the background is completely different from the one he has now.
@@user-th1pv6ks5o I've watched pretty much all of Dr. K.'s videos but it's not exactly working heh The problem is greater than anyone wants to admit heh
I was abused as a kid, and this is really relevant to me. I kind of came to this conclusion on my own and in much different less eloquent words, but even without understanding this concept fully, I did understand that something was different once I started admitting to myself, the things I was actually ashamed of, and not shutting it out like I was used to.
this video resonated with me more than Dr K's usual videos. It's a message we all need to hear and it's helped me understand something I struggled to put words to. Thanks Dr K
This was very confusing. I was like "who has harvest festivals twice a year"? It'll be spring in six months and the crops will barely be planted by then. But then I remembered Dr K is not from the cold dark north like I am.
Idk Doc. I'm a trans person, and my relationship with shame is a lot deeper than just sucking at Dark Souls or being afraid to dance (although, don't get me wrong, I do accept that I suck at Dark Souls). I'm ashamed of existing tbh, and I'm often told that's how I should feel on a regular basis. When people in public, neighbours, your family members, friends from school, people on the news, soooo many people online, and even people in your government are constantly telling you that you're a selfish monster, a demon, a sexual predator, an unlovable circus freak, a science experiment, a degenerate, and a waste of space... you eventually start to feel ashamed just for waking up in the morning. And sure, I can move past some of those things and do my own thing without letting it get to me. I try to surround myself with positivity as much as I can, and I've grown thicker skin over time, but that stuff really eats away at you after a while
That's where I think English is a limited language, or relevant context and the limitations of applicability is missing. Somewhere along this thread, I mentioned how staying in an environment that is actively shaming someone for no good reason, will never help someone to overcome shame, to the contrary it will enhance shame. Staying in post-disaster Chernobil rain will not "harden" a person against the outside world's toxicity, it will destroy the person. Being neurodivergent, being queer, being a trans person, is really hard in a neurotypical normative cis-hetero normative environment that actively and passsively attacks and shames anyone who doesn't fit the mold. That's where Brene Brown's approach on overcoming shame, but also the approach in Fear Is The Mind Killer by K. Sadowski on how to create positive growth oriented learning spaces, is better. With squinted eyes I can see how Brene Brown and Dr K align in different wording. But I also see how this video can go off the rails if misapplied. For your situation, I hope you find an accepting environment. Where announcing that you are a trans person is similar to saying "I have blond hair, green eyes and like wearing havaianas at home", where people genuinely smile, nod and ask you if you want a cup of tea, making no fuzz. Treat you as a person.
I’ve realised that it’s shame that keeps me paralysed. I feel worthless, and the feeling of shame stops me from being better, and instead I punish myself and don’t make any progress because shame tells me there’s no matter what I do I’ll still be fundamentally worthless. Talk about maladaptive!
Shame is inherently negative. It's a blockade disabling you from experiencing things and see if you find them good/enjoyble or not. Thats the only guide/moral compass you need, not shame itself.
id like to think it was through shame and a tad bit of bullying by my best friend is what shaped me to be a better a person after turning 18 years old contrast to my teenagerhood where i used to have red-pill mentality. had it not been for my best friend, i would not know where i would be today or what dog shit opinions and mentality i would be expressing today. Thanks Santiago!
You could say this about Guilt more so, Guilt is Objective Shame is Subjective a jury does not find one to be shamed but guilty, guilt runs straight to the heart you know if you are or aren’t
I think recognize the source of shame correctly is also really important too, because I often find myself setting the bar too high and then avoiding the whole thing altogether, but in the most of the time, if I just tried more and give myself more chances, I could at least grow a little and felt the improvement.
I'm still going to watch because you help me a lot but i don't want to be ashamed of myself. Because I'm the type to sit still when i do feel bad. I know there's people who fuel off negative emotions but shame, frustration, irritation, etc. All these negative emotions make me "give up". I know your titles are to hook in viewers so i could be wrong. This is just my first impression
If shame makes you give up, then you are doing exactly what he describes. You are retreating from the situation, rather than addressing it. I often realize that im trying to retreat as well. There is a place for shame. It is a hard thing to face head on, but running away from it is the same thing as running away from a better version of yourself. Keep your head up bro, you are not alone.
Ive always felt that my depression wasnt a valid enough struggle and for the longest time, that shame kept me motivated to prevent myself from sinking deeper. Like brushing my teeth at least once a day bc i really dont want irreversible teeth damage. Getting up to take care of myself and eating before I play games so I dont feel like a musty discord mod 😭 Ive been getting help. Therapy and signed up for DOR (department of rehabilitation) to help me find a job. I still feel shame that I should be doing more because other people my age suck it up and do it. Even though me and my therapist have talked about how depression really affects my ability to do things. I never could accept it even if I think logically. Shame forced me to take even the littlest steps and its been paying off!!
I feel like this is a subject requiring more than 15 minutes. There is good information in the video, but judging from some of the other comments, and my own view, there is a lot more that needs to be discussed. Like, what do you do when bullies in a group refuse to let you grow? You are made ashamed of something, justified or not, but instead of being allowed to improve yourself the group refuses to let it go. Be it from parents, peers, teachers, bosses, or random strangers on the internet it has to end once you do improve yourself. The internet allows us to hide from shameful experiences but it also allows bullies to make people feel ashamed without reason or end. Shame has two sides and we cannot forget that, no matter how important it is, it is pushed upon us by others who don't have our growth or the survival of the group in mind! They only care about their own amusement or power or profit in mind! A much better discussion is recognizing what you should and shouldn't be ashamed of and who you allow to shame you. That alone will be over 30 minutes at least.
While trying to sleep last night after watching this video, I felt an intense shame (along with rage against by father) as I often do. But instead of getting herbal tea, melatonin, or playing a mobile game, I sat with the feelings for a little while. I thought, "This horrible mixture of disgusting feelings are a part of the human experience for a reason. If I can understand these feelings instead of numbing them, I can use them as fuel to change my life." That idea that I could probably change, that I had these feelings for a reason, helped me to relax. (Even though I don't know what to do to fix my life in a concrete way.) I've talked with my dad in the past, and he shared that his father judged him for a pretty minor fault, making him think that he was a failure with no hope for redemption. My grandfather was a high-functioning alcoholic and my dad is a workaholic. I think my family has been numbing and ignoring feelings of guilt for many generations. Several comments are talking about shame versus guilt, and it seems the main difference is "Bad Shame" comes with an understanding that it's caused by who I am, and I can't do anything to change it; while "Guilt, or Good Shame" is caused by an action I can change. I hope everyone feeling shame can also feel faith that we can work to improve our situation.
Out of all the comments I've read up until this point from now, you got it. A lot of people argued that shame leads to depression, self-loathing, etc. and while those are true, it's not the right answer to avoid shame entirely and to label shame as entirely horrible and abhorrent. Also, there's also toxic shame too, so yeah, there's also that...
Shame is what keeps me in a cycle of never doing anything I want to do and not knowing what I want (because it is stupid or pointless). My mother instilled in me a feeling that what I want does not matter, leaving me with only needs. My entire personality is trying to secure my needs and once those are secure, trying to prevent future needs. Naturally that is somehow impossible. You always have to eat again, you always have to clean again, all of these recurring things in life just slowly eat away at me as I try to prevent them and never make any progress. If I get anything done it is because the motivation comes from external pressures. I get work done because someone or something is telling me that it needs done. I get stuff done at home because I know it needs done. I don't ask for help because it is shameful because I'm putting my burdens on someone else and in the off chance that I'm breaking down and finally do ask for help it isn't taken seriously or no one knows how to help me. All of this because my narcissistic mother had to prove to the world that she is a good mother. I have crippling shame and never feel good enough because of you, but hey, she got her child through college, so clearly she did a good job, right?
I'm not a professional but as a peer I suggest that one of the most helpful things I tell myself (and others when they're being judgmental) is "It doesn't have to make sense, it's a hobby". Stupid and pointless things can nonetheless be emotionally rewarding, and you deserve to have positive emotions in your life, even if the activity doesn't materially benefit you or anyone else. In my case, putting acrylic paint on a piece of canvas isn't of artistic merit and doesn't help anyone else, but I feel calm and focused while I am doing it, and that alone is good enough. Congratulations on making it through college even with the narc mom. Clearly you are good enough, even if that wasn't your personal goal. I've been forced to accept help because I have a severe disability, so I understand how difficult that can be. There are people out there who know how to help with CPTSD. Probably not as many as are needed, and you may have to ask lots of different people to get properly heard. I hope you find what you need.
I’ve never heard anyone talk about shame like this. I’m going to try using shame the right way instead of retreating to feeling like a failure and giving up instead. To anyone who’s having doubts about using shame this way, I’ll try to update you on my progress applying this method in 3 areas of my life; health, wealth and hobbies.
I would say you are more describing guilt. Shame was described to me as a lingering feeling that prevents you from growing. It can be brought on by friends or family, society, or a number or other source, but I was taught shame is debilitating where guilt is more disciplinary.
I don't really think guilt is an emotion. Imo, guilt is a state of being where you feel deserving of blame. Shame on the other hand is the emotion. Its embarrasment and humiliation.
@counterintuitivepanda4555 I still wouldn't say Dr. K is talking about shame correctly, but I agree with you actually. If it were me now that I think about it more, I would have elaborated a little more on how a certain amount of shame can be used for discipline and growth, but too much can end up paralyzing a person from taking certain actions.
As someone who chases the activities that make me feel good and quickly gives up when there are any difficulties, I also struggle with the same of being exposed as a fraud, not being so talented as I 'made people (and myself!) believe'. I suffer because I can't study and practice consistently and rarely leave my comfort zone. I'm currently working in therapy on exposing myself to negative emotions and 'surviving them'. I believe that streaming drawing is what can make me grow a bit - it's so embarrassing!!! when things don't just magically appear perfect (like for other people, right ; ))?), viewers are watching, and I need to keep going!! And think about that I cannot sound too panicky or discouraged! I hope I will find courage to continue with it.
Oh well then, I must be on a fast track to "git gud"ness, given that I go through life with a little shame monster always hanging on my shoulder...! I don't follow you on this one, encouraging shame is a tricky thing and can go south very quickly and direly, especially for those of us who struggle with executive dysfunction. Your wedding example raised my hackles; you don't want to be sending anyone straight into an eating disorder, right? But your advice was good in regards to procrastination, I'll give you that. I need to go make some some arrangements...
now we just need a good way to tell what things are good things to feel ashamed of and which things are not good things to feel ashamed of. because alot of people, and even society as a whole, or atleast in certain circles, has very, very different ideas of what counts as "shameful". even if people around you think being gay, or autistic, is worthy of shame, that doesnt mean it actually is, or that its healthy to think that it is. think critically about shame before blindly following its lead, as all emotions can lead you down destructive paths just as easily as they can lead you down productive ones
I'm so glad dr.k did a video about this. I discovered not too long ago after reading more about stoicism that shame isn't something to be afraid of, it's an opportunity for you to grow a signal life shows you that there's nothing to be ashamed of. I was once very scared of public speaking, but lately I never cared about what people would think of me since I do this for me and not for anyone else, we often overexaggerate what people think of us if we did something that made us feel shamed when, It's never the problem in the first place.
Idk about this one. Due to anxiety I feel shame for things that I should just let go or consider but not dwell on. I don’t run and I go and confront it yet it still haunts me. Maybe you mean guilt? Guilt is a solvable feeling due to doing something wrong and correcting the behavior. Shame is generally associated with being stuck and hating yourself. Also your behavior has to be accepted when it changes and people rarely let you change. They hold onto their impressions and it becomes part of their ego. I try to use guilt and the many times I’ve fd up to be better and not to run from it. But having them haunt you 24/7 isn’t exactly helpful.
The thing about shame is that it's very much structured by those around us. Like DK said, if you get ostricized for stealing, you'll want to stop stealing if you can't escape that shame. If you get shamed for say being empathetic toward someone who was hurt for not believing what your tribe believes, then you'll become callous toward the suffering of people whose beliefs don't fit with your tribe's. Shame is not just a driver of personal development, but it can also be a driver of closed mindedness if left unchecked.
That makes sense to me. I was moving a lot when I was a kid - thus switching social context every few years. I think that's when I picked up the "start anew rather than trying to fix it" - mentality and why I just try to distract myself everytime something get's uncomfortable. Thanks!
What about when the shame has nothing to do with wanting a higher skill level, such as when toxic people shame you? If the shame is supposed to motivate you to change, would you recommend changing by getting away from those people, or by learning how to respond to that kind of toxicity in some way? It seems like the shame may be misplaced there if someone is shaming me for something that I didn't actually do wrong or wasn't deficient in, or something I didn't care to change but I feel ashamed because they are mad. ETA: I don't think this video was a miss so much as it is incomplete. Can we request a part 2?
I agree with this. Shame is a really potent emotion and it has honestly one of the main catalyst behind my most productive weeks/months/years. Being ashamed of not being the person you aspire you can be is a strong driving force to turn you into a better person
I feel like wether it’s necessary or not, if you make changes to what made you feel ashamed, you’ll have a healthier mind next time. Obviously there are exceptions to the rules eg, anorexic person feeling fat and ashamed so loses weight. But it’s a youtube video so he’s not going to cover all avenues ❤
I know everyone is always like “wow these videos are perfect timing” but actually I was literally talking today, wondering what the purpose of shame was. Thanks for the answer.
Guilt: I did something bad, and I should do what I can to repair any damage I've caused, or at least not do the thing again. Shame: I am a bad person. I need to fix myself. I think guilt is overall healthier because it's less likely to be chronic / toxic because it's so much more PRECISE and ACTIONABLE. Guilt is specific, whereas shame is an overall negative evaluation. I think shame is kind of like the unhealthy side of the same coin as guilt.
Psychologist pointed out that guilt is something other give you to induce shame. Manipulative people use guilt in form of guilt tripping to manipulate you. Guilt come from outside source. Guilt can from empathizing with others. If do something to hurt them this guilt results in shame for hurting them. Now you either try to make amend or internalize the shame and avoid the person in future. That's just example. You can have shame by not meeting expectations, no need for others to use guilt to make you feel shame. That's how she explained it me and I had all this shame for things beyond my control. Like shame for not being able to control another person's emotions. I had to learn I can't control other people emotion but I could control how I react to their emotions. In doing that I refused accept guilt. Trying to make me responsible for their happiness though guilt is guilt I do not have to accept. No shame that way either.
I agree that it might take us towards progress, towards solving a problem, but when it doesn't, the feeling of guilt, inadequacy and low self esteem makes it worse. I guess it's best to motivate yourself, use the temporary anger into something productive, but being positive about yourself in your own way of saying. Sometimes I get too sweaty after running, and I come home, but instead of feeling ashamed I feel proud of myself cuz I gave 110% effort. So I was positive about it.
Dr. K... with all due respect, and with all sincerity, please re-edit this video or take it down. I understand what you're trying to do, and believe me, I recommend to my patients to face their fears too, but not this way. This is very dangerous. Shame leads to conformity. It is fortunate if conforming aligns with an individual's values hence it can promote growth that way, but there are far too many examples where conforming only leads to misery. Although one can improve one's hunting skills to avoid being ashamed, there is nothing one can do if one is born with a disability (i.e. blindness). Many women have been shamed throughout history for being unable to bear children, but certainly not due to the lack of trying. You get my point? Please do not conflate the concept of 'correcting undesirable behaviour' with 'growth'. Growth is something personal and can only be valued by the person attempting it. There is growth to be had even in giving up a pursuit. Society needs to employ shame to regulate the behaviour of its members, that's natural. But it becomes a problem when individuals attach their self-worth to their behaviour. When shaming, we ought to shame the theft, not the thief. We need to sever the link between one's behaviour and one's concept of self aka identity. There is no chance of growth if the thief felt ashamed of his/her core identity. They might refrain from stealing, but they are still saddled with guilt and shame which will lead to other wrongdoings. It is through the development of a healthier and prosocial personal identity that we rehabilitate individuals. Otherwise, you are merely treating the symptoms of a deeper ailment. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate from Dr. K fans... but please listen carefully. I'm a fan myself, but this piece of advice I cannot abide by. If you want to get better at doing something, but you are hindered by shame, you need to say to yourself the following: "My identity has nothing to do with the success or outcomes of my actions. I am not stupid, evil, or undeserving. I am NOT shameful. I just need more practice and perhaps more luck." Also, don't do things for the sake of conformity. Do things that aligns with your values! Modifying an entrenched behaviour, especially one that is so heavily shamed, is easier said than done, but it isn't impossible. You can be ashamed of your actions, but don't be ashamed of your SELF. Get back up, dust yourself off, and do better next time.
I’ve got a personal, kind of unique issue with shame. I’m a male and had a promiscuous past, later on I absolutely regretted it and have fixed it thanks to shame, but it hasn’t left. It has kept me stuck and incapable of having a romantic, intimate relationship with another person, I’m afraid of her asking my in regards of my past and dumping me because of it. I would love to have a family in the future, and my mistakes in the past caused a permanent stain of shame that I find really hard to remove. I’m still young, I’m 26, but I’m kind of afraid of being forever stuck in this situation.
Shame overwhelms me so I recognize it's inconsequential, it signals nothing of value and move on. When I get lost in it I literally think "actually, I don't care." And that's the end of it. My motivation comes from intent which I find by honoring myself spiritually and physically. Specifically, meditating, my self-talk narrative is grateful and I make effort to care for my physical body. Shame doesn't serve me.
This video highlights empowering yourself to manage "shame programming" from your past Taking reaponsibility for the shame that is wired in your head is the very definition of accountability. If you didn't(or couldn't) stop the misinformstion then, you have to do the work to sort and stop it now. It is what these videos are all about. Any implied toxicity is a fundamental misunderstanding of the conversation. It happens to us all
Shame solves nothing, it just makes you have a better apperance in the eyes of other people but you feel shame because they did judge you in the first place. so its all gaslighting to make you comply with society D; and thats also how gaslighting works just shame someone for problems you caused to him :0 and shame is linked to gaslighting, because there is allways a person behind the cause for the feeling of shame.
As a person named Shane, I'm always super aware anytime shame comes up.
let me tell you somethin
Come back, Shane!
So you are "shaning" your girlfriend, I guess
What are you thoughts on people feeling a Shane?
Everybody should feel Shane sometime, according to Dr. K. It helps you grow as a person @@Freakazoid12345
One thing missing from this video is the point that we can be conditioned into feeling shame for things that we really shouldn't, or feeling it way too intensely. Just as the avoidance of shame can become maladaptive, so can the shame itself. So for someone who had toxic parents, who made them feel shame for things that you never should have, that person is going to struggle if they try to use shame as an indicator for when they should change their behaviour.
edit: No, the part he briefly talks about at around 5min is not what I'm talking about. That part is just a "and here's an example of how powerful and long-lasting shame can be", not "and that's why you shouldn't always assume that it's a good idea to listen to your shame".
exactly!
If shame is good then im a winner, the self hatred i have breaks any limit its unbearable. I should have been a miscarriage, i should have been discarded into a trashcan like the worthless waste of space i am. Absolutely hate myself.
Yeah without this crucial piece of context I actually think this is a pretty toxic video. Dr. K needs to either redo this or add a segment to draw a distinction.
Yeah I always feel ashamed. Not about behaviours but about inherent characteristics of myself that I can't change rn. Like, I'm ashamed of my looks, I'm ashamed of having missed out on a lot of important developmental steps in life especially as it pertains to socialisation, I'm ashamed of not dating, of not having friends, I'm ashamed of not having cloud, of not having money, of not feeling in control of my life, of not having my degree yet, of loosing my hair at 26, of not being a blast to be around etc.
Like, at this point I'm basically ashamed to be alive!
My mom already gave me this lesson, might not have to watch this one.
Edit: the old title for this video was “why you should be ashamed of yourself” that is what I am referring to in this comment.
Same here man, since I was a kid to now she loves shaming me. One tactic she uses is by making me feel awful for having this behavior or wanting this thing, me wanting to change or not want that only to say “don’t worry about it” or “i’ll get it for you” in a tone of voice that indicates she wants me to feel awful and hurt. Basically reverse psychology guilt trip.
@@CyberSonic-V3.0parents are the worst thing that happened to many people’s lives. Myself included
Big ouf. I'm sorry, man. That's not good parenting. Ask me how I know kekw
Humour masquerading in trauma. Nice.
@@peshtoast other way around, trauma masquerading as humor
I gotta say I’ve been ashamed of myself almost all my life but I’ve almost never used it in a beneficial way. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life running from shame and allowing it to paralyze me by simply avoiding everything and anything, and in turn I’ve developed agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder… I get why this vid isn’t for everyone but I genuinely find it SO helpful to view shame in the way you’re describing in this video. so thank you 😭
Same here. Agoraphobia since 2020. I was never this way pre-pandemic. I want out. The only way out is through.
don’t cry
@@ethanking4995 too late
You're on OF, you don't feel any shame. 🥱
@@RakkinahI don't feel shame around OF, u right. I feel shame when I don't post enough tho
I understand what everyone is saying about toxic shame and it crossed my mind too. I and many other people have the problem of feeling embarrassed for something that should be normal.
Still, I find this video very valuable, because using shame to move us forward is the other side of the coin. It's a question of balance, of discerning when to use one approach or another.
What's the other approach? They're both the same
@@lunaromance2243 1) Use shame as an incentive to change your life (covered in the video)
2) Don't be ashamed of good things just because society pressures you.
What i think toxic shame actualy means is using it to shame others
Feeling shame to improve yourself i find it a good thing but shaming others is messed up thats toxic shame
@@caiofelix6958 the second one isn't an approach
I think you have to analize your case first. In my case i never had problem with shame when i was a kid, when i did bad i would feel ashame but not because someone pointed their finger to me, but because i by myself realized that i was not happy with the results, example: making a friend cry by playing too rough. And when i made a stupid mistake like saying wrong a word or something that expose my ignorance i would feel very little shame, i would just learn something new and keep going with my life.
What made me change all of that behavior was other people pointing their fingers and mocking me for stupid things, i mean at first i would just ignore that or beat them up if they get too annoying, but i couldn't do that at home with my mother or stepfather and after living that way for so long i become fearful of making any mistake in public, not because i thought im stupid by making any mistake but because i did'nt want to get people laughing and mocking me while i look at the ground cause i just feel like is wrong to defend myself.
If you were saying me back then that i have to act on my shame i would be miserable by acting on what people want for me, first you have to identify what shame is the valid shame, like being ashame of being such a pathetic person that keeps acting on what other people want, then you act on it.
It seems like something obvious but is something that can make people go lower than they already were if not clarified.
Edit: Also, being ashamed of myself never worked on me, even with the "valid shame", what worked was just believe in my principles and staying by my side no matter who get angry or laugh.
I've listened to a lot of psychological advice and self-help stuff online for years and this is the first time someone explains the function of shame so succinctly. Thank you, Dr. K!
There needs to be a distinction between feeling shame for something you can work on improving about yourself and feeling shame for something you have no control over. Also, shame can be dangerous for anyone suffering from chronic depression. All it takes is a little nudge and down the spiral they go.
Yeah this is complete pseudoscience and detrimental to people with depression altogether in my opinion. Should be removed as harmful.
read "Healing the shame that binds you" by Dr. John Bradshaw, it deals exactly with the issue of internalized, toxic shame and how people become so trapped in it, where it comes from and how to eventually overcome it. it gave me a lot of context to things ive been experiencing for years but couldnt really explain.
The point isn't that the shame is right, its that it can motivate you to action. If you're ashamed to, for instance, have a speech impediment, that shame is rarely productive. However, many people's shame motivates them to practice speaking and learn to flow better with it, and with enough practice, many people overcome the shame in the first place whether or not they get rid of the speech impediment. The shame might motivate you to expose yourself to the "problem" enough to where you become stronger at not feeling ashamed of it.
And with regards to depression, depression is practically the definition of shame leading to avoidance in most cases.
@@timothycalco8089That's an interesting take. Years back I indeed felt shame over "not being able to pull my weight" so to say. I had unrealistic expectations from myself, that I knew on some level were unrealistic, and yet I still felt shame and it prompted me to retreat from stuff. It's trying to get a more balanced look and checking what I can truly improve to get some results, and the appreciation of said results, which helped me if anything to stabilize that depression and even push it back to a degree. I feel like pride and arrogance can really do someone in. Not at all to victim blame but some degree of shame CAN be self-inflicted. The question is whether you accept this fact and learn and grow, or you let it haunt you.
I dunno man, I understand the point and it's a good one (about not running away from things but fixing them), but something bugs me about it all.
I mean, it's easy for the shame to become toxic. I feel ashamed of feeling and thinking that life is hard for me, and if you look around at my life, it really is hard, and there are many factors outside of my control. Yet I tell myself that I'm somehow supposed to be stronger than the whole of society and even my government, and I'm supposed to thrive in horrible conditions, and that's how I shame myself. And I'm not entirely sure if what my shame tells me is true. I sort of feel like society has to fucking heal and I can't do it all by myself despite everyone. But shame doesn't care about it. So is the solution really for me to become stronger than everyone else? idk, I'm not so sure
No, you're not supposed to shame yourself to be stronger. Nor are you going to get anywhere worrying about society and anyone else. You have to teach yourself acceptance of what is, and what is for you, and choose to stay in power of what you can control. Hero's journey, friend. Do you.
not stronger nor weaker, different and a part of.
It seems that your shame is telling you that it's okay for you to feel that life is hard for you. It's okay to acknowledge your pain! However, it also tells you to not lie in your pain forever, but to strive to be a better human every day. You don't have to be a super human - Giving a smile or a helping hand to someone can be enough some days!
I think you’re struggling with the truth that life isn’t as fair or easy as we believed it to be. And what is ‘society is going to heal’? Society has never been a unified collective, especially in modern Western/individualist cultures. You’ll be wasting time waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
I think a lot of what you describe as shame is actually dread or anxiety. Both of which are common symptoms of shame but can also come from many other places. You should reapproach the topic with a narrower definition instead of associating all negative feelings into this one bucket.
I'm always ashamed of myself... I don't need permission; in fact, you can't talk me out of it. It's my default setting.
its at the core of me
Shame is a control mechanism people put inside you, makes you easy to control, you have nothing to be ashamed of, it's all lies.
I experienced childhood trauma which led to my development of C-PTSD and I suspect that people who experience trauma have an unhealthy relationship with shame. In my experiences, the shame becomes a deterrent for taking actions because I fear the severe consequences that come in the case that I fail in doing an action (because now all my actions are tied to their outcomes) and I take on the identity of a failure/worthless person where my mind tells me that its pointless to try so I should stop taking an action because its only going to lead to pain or pointlessness.
My unhealthy relationship with shame has led to very self-destructive behaviors involving school that ended up screwing me over in my life today as a 30 year old man. These behaviors included:
- not trying in school or ditching class because it made me feel ashamed of myself
- not doing homework or studying because it made me feel stupid and incompetent
- avoiding people because I was ashamed to face them for whatever reason
- procrastination in doing tasks
- dropping classes/stop attending classes because I felt so ashamed of my performance that I would fall into a behavior of retaking and failing certain classes over and over
And you know the worst part of it? You realize that you are doing it but cannot seem to stop yourself from doing the same mistakes. So, in order to cope, you go towards your addictions or negative coping mechanisms and ignore the fact that your life is falling apart/in shambles and that you're not doing anything positive to fix it.
To answer Dr. K's call to re-expose myself to the shame, I would not do it for something high stakes like school. Its costly both financially and for your future.
yeah, i think uncoupling the sense of shame from the disproportionate consequences of failure is a key point in making this work. i notice that every time something disproportionately bad happens in my life (for example, i just had to move out of my place because the neighbor started getting physically aggressive because i complained about noise and suggested some solutions) i become unable to do anything for a while, because that link between "doing something wrong" and "being in danger" is so strong. it's frustrating that this doesn't seem like something we have total control over - like, even if we act in ways we think are correct people can still just react horribly and harm us.
i relate to everything you're saying, so now what can we actually do to motivate ourselves?
understand this so well. at some point you just can't do all on your own any longer. we really do need support 😢
I can relate. I too have c-ptsd from an abusive father and was bullied. I have felt shame when working in a job that required a lot of social interaction. I don’t feel human and unconsciously anticipate being mistreated. So, I felt like I didn’t belong with other people and was ashamed for being amongst them. Essentially, it feels like I am less than human. Basic kindness is a surprise to me whenever I receive it.
This comment is excellent. I'm also in my early thirties and can identify with a lot of what you experienced.
Im starting to get into this strategy myself. But for me, shame can only be used as a motivator after you realize what exactly is you're own fault and what is in your power to fix.
I think recognizing your shame for things you can't control can be used to become more compassionate; to build a sensibility for tragedy in your life and the lives of others.
@@jacob_massengale real
@@heheshshdbsjshjswkqfiyou are right, those are much nicer feelings. But if you never feel shame you have probably never met the precipice of your own development. Pushing through shame in a developmental sense means you can get toward those more pleasurable feelings because you are learning to develop beyond whatever your shortcoming is. That’s the conundrum.
Shame is a social tool to control behavior, sifting through what we should and should not be ashamed of seems like a good idea.
Yep, a quick Google search answered the question this video left me asking - there are mild and severe varieties of shame, and this video *shamelessly* lumps them together
Exactly. Shame is not and never will be a good guide. It is a tool.
And being social is the default state of humans, so the need to be glued together and live in harmony under specific rules is there.
The point I took away was, if you feel ashamed because of your own emotions eg, being fat at the beach, you still had that emotion and chances are you feel shame for being fat at home too but it doesn’t come to light as often, therefore you can harness the strong emotion to create change and also create a healthy mind. Obviously if you are happy with being fat at the beach then no changes needed. That’s what I took away.
@@ji604 I think this video may be aimed at duping the people with toxic deeply ingrained and subconscious shame into "following" their shame, which will feel right to them. But the actual process he describes will make their shame weaker, not stronger, and gradually this will convert it from that deeply ingrained subconscious invisible shame that pulls the strings behind the curtain and produces thoughts and rationalizations into a conscious regular feeling
He described the process of processing shame and eventually becoming free from it, but he phrased it in a way to make it look like he's telling people to follow their shame. And I doubt it was a random happenstance
This video is very interesting, but I feel like it should've addressed the problem of what you _should_ actually be ashamed about and what you shouldn't. It's true that in today's society it's easier to avoid shameful situations, but it's also true that there are a lot of things we consider shameful for no good reason whatsoever. If we don't make sure our expectations are right before starting "the grind", we risk entering an endless cycle of shame due to never being satisfied with the things we have and the results we get. Not to mention situations where we're manipulated into feeling shame by someone else for their personal benefit, whether that be a toxic partner/relative or a company trying to sell us their products.
WAH?
can I buy art lessons from you for 549.99
Exactly, I couldn’t help but think about this during the video.
idk how he would quantitatively say what you should be ashamed or and what you should not. Seems more of a personal dilemma or something to bring up with your therapist.
@@wjk2674 I would say it is mentioned more in other videos, and interviews.
Not this video, but I think some other ones touch on this, you just gotta go down the catelogue a bit.
"Guilt is 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake'. Shame is 'I'm sorry, I am a mistake'" - Brené Brown
Which is why I find this video to be so baffling. All shame ever did was ruin my entire life. I'm never using shame as a motivator.
I'm with you lol @@MiketheNerdRanger
@@MiketheNerdRanger seblantics
I didn't think I needed to hear this. I thought, "Of course I'm ashamed of myself. Tell me something I don't know, Doctor." But I needed to hear this. There is a way out of hopeless and shameful situations through right action.
14:52 I request you to create a 2nd part of this video that addresses the nuance of shame. Shame is good for you, yes but in excess it is bad. Chronic shame is no good just like chronic sadness is no good. So, how do we address that.
A video style similar like your "When to change who you are vs when to accept who you are" would have been more appreciated since that acknowledges both as solutions with nuance.
Similarly, accepting shame and improving yourself is important yes but I feel the lack of solutions for the opposite side of issue/chronic shame.
This makes a lot of sense. The feeling of shame is so strong that I can remember nearly every shameful moment of my life with extremely accurate detail, which has led me to avoid situations that I find even slightly reminiscent of these memories. I've now learned that I've gotta do the exact opposite, and that the vividness of these painful memories is actually more of an aid.
Saw an interview with Alex Hormozi when he was discussing how to do the hard things to take charge of your future you basically “use what you have”. Most people aren’t starting from a place of passion, but instead a place of anger or shame. I think a good point to sum this up is Shame can be great at initiating change, but hopefully down the road you’ll develop enough positive associations to keep you going with the good habits
i love these titles. you should shame yourself NOW
Haha
And give somebody else a piece of that oxygen, and ozone layer, that's covered up so that we can breathe inside this blue trash bubble.
I was already doing that.
@@mightsaber LMFAOO i heard this out loud
Massive LTG vibes
It's the opposite for me. I feel guilt and shame so much that it's overwhelming. I feel that way long after other people forgot about it.
That was actually super inspiring. For a very long time my parents told me that I tend to start new things but never get through some plateau in what I started, just change directions.
Now I’ve been going to arts academy for 3 years, and the shame is really a problem, I always avoid any kind of comparison because I feel like my art is bad. That video really inspired me, I suddenly thought - I was trying to convince myself that I don’t have to compare myself, and my art is good anyway - but maybe if I accept my feelings about my work, and accept that it’s maybe not as good as I would like it to be, that’s a chance to get better.
No one’s obliged to love my work just because I did it.
I think I’m gonna try to start putting myself into different contests and open calls, to harness the shame. That’s a wonderful advice
Idk about this.. I love Dr.K, but I feel like a disclaimer needs to be made that this is for people who are already in a somewhat healthy state of mind and aren't behind in life in some way. Like me in particular I'm a recovering NEET and recently diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and have began working with a therapist. I realized that deep rooted shame, zero confidence, and low self esteem kept me stuck for 2 years. There were a lot of factors that led me to becoming a NEET and some wasn't even my fault like childhood trauma and undiagnosed Anxiety disorder like I mentioned. I figured that out and practiced tons of self compassion to break out of that. And I also fixed my confidence and self esteem and my life is going towards a great direction now. Getting tons of job interviews and I think an offer might be coming soon. So shame would just devastate me and make me go back to my old ways 😅😅😅. This video is for a *particular* population that has their sh*t together somewhat and that's certainly not me YET lol.
I hear you! At the same time, I feel that the point of this vid was less that "shame is a good feeling to feel for your growth" and moreso "learning not to avoid shame and to confront and overcome it instead is good for your growth". Which means that, if I understand correctly at least, the video doesn't contradict your experiences.
The shame you have felt was and is likely highly overwhelming. But to improve your circumstances, you do need to just do the things that plagued you with shame, like leave your house and idk, look for a job, for example. Like in his grocery store example, the key is in not avoiding the shame, which is what likely made being a NEET appealing in the first place, compared to the alternative?
Idk! I'm sorry if I overstepped, thats just my 2 cents
Either way, I'm glad that things are looking up for you! Congrats and keep going 😊
This was at the perfect time. I'm really struggling in my classes and I've been thinking about dropping out because I'm ashamed of how bad I'm doing.
I can relate. Personal story: I'm a procrastinating perfectionist. I once picked up Japanese. During conversation classes, I often froze if I couldn't say the thing perfectly. One day, before an exam, I just decided f it let's just have fun. I prepared my topic but I only tried to get the main point across, then I interacted with others to the best of my ability. Most satisfying C+ I ever got. Helped me later in practical situations.
This actually makes sense. I always get everything done for the day an hour before my husband comes home because I would be too ashamed if he realized I've been watching RUclips for 4 hours.
ya i agree, it does *work* to make you do things. but i do wonder if it being the driving force of action actually makes your life better...?
@@klovexthewolf It doesn't, I totally agree, that's why I'm working on it. Just because it looks like I have my life under control doesn't mean that the system behind it is sustainable.
Shame is the reason for my Trauma. 💀
This is a slap in my face, thanks for the wake up call. All I have been doing is going in limbo from one thing to the next never facing what I am ashamed of, and truthfully has all been on my own doing.
I’ve spent so long avoiding shame that thinking about what I SHOULD feel shameful for is difficult. And when I can hazard a guess I feel like I am just basing it off what other people seem to be ashamed about. I think for a long time I bundled shame, guilt and regret into one pile so I just threw them all aside for many years. Tapping into emotions to go beyond an external understanding feels like it will take some time.
I have autism and I'm really bad at understanding my emotions. I finally learned to recognize shame at 21 years old (I'm 23 now) and it was life changing, because until then it was this huge overwhelming feeling that almost physically pinned me to the floor, there was seemingly nothing I could do. I still have a lot to learn, but learning to recognize this feeling as shame and finally being able to understand what it means gave me the opportunity to work with it, to choose my response and to say "I have this emotion" as opposed to "this emotion has me"
I have heard it put this way...
guilt is healthy, shame is not healthy 😎
Guilt is something you feel when you do something you know is not in your or anothers best interest, shame is something you feel because of a distorted social concept that is using emotional tactics to control very healthy choices that challenge the distorted social norms
This sounds good. Feeling ashamed for actually morally wrong actions.
@@derBeneif only morality was real
That is a sort of short-sighted understanding of shame. Shame is an emotion that exists in every human and throughout all cultures. In fact, many cultures view shame as a more important emotion than guilt for regulating healthy social relations and morals.
You are honestly making your life worse if you start thinking of guilt and shame as inherently healthy or unhealthy emotions. You will start adding a snap judgment layer on top of your emotions, telling yourself, "I should be feeling this," or "I shouldn't be feeling this," and that will cloud your perception of why you are feeling those emotions and how to address their cause.
Sure, some people experience toxic shame, but many also experience toxic guilt.
@@katherinehemken5544 wat?
@@pragmaticpoet shame and guilt both serve their own purposes, neither is inherently bad even if they both feel bad, though both can be toxic in their own ways. shame is largely a "social emotion" used primarily to alert you of discrepancies between what you are, or what are doing, and what you believe society expects of you. while guilt is mostly a personal emotion that alerts you of perceived personal inconsistencies, like hypocrisy or unfair bias.
there is crossover between them, as personal inconsistencies can bleed through into your interpersonal life and cause you to feel shame if another person notices those inconsistencies. shame can also bleed into your own personal beliefs/feelings about yourself and make you feel guilty for doing things that lead to feelings of shame.
people seeing your flaws can make you feel shame, merely noticing yourself having those flaws can make you feel guilt. both can help you notice your flaws and give you motivation to correct them. though for things you cant, or shouldnt, correct (like being average looking, or being gay, for instance), other tactics should be used aside from just using shame/guilt to motivate self-improvement.
forms of therapy that use "acceptance" as a method of achieving contentment can help with feelings of shame/guilt towards things that are not actually problems (aswell as things that *are* problems that you cant do much about).
as always, recommend professional therapy, but Dr. K makes his RUclips "career" from helping people get something from "trying it at home", so professional care probably isnt always necessary. (also im not a professional myself, not that i think im convincing anyone that i am :P )
Shame is the feeling that arises when we sense ourselves as invalid and disconnected from reality. It’s the feeling we get when we’re in exile to alert us to the fact that we’ve been exiled.
So, shame isn’t really useful beyond its alerting you to your sense of exile, disconnection, and invalidity.
What you might mean is something more along the lines of guilt or remorse, which help us correct negative or harmful behavior.
Shame is the belief “I am bad”, where guilt is the acknowledgment “I did something negative and I need to correct it.”
Dr. K's videos always come at the perfect time :) I have a lot of childhood trauma and now I'm trying to re-wire a lot of the patterns from the past through therapy. Recently, I got back into a rut that shame pushed me into and made me trapped in. It's been a week since I've properly taken care of myself. I'm really grateful to come across this video now before I feel deeper into this rut, and I'm motived to use shame to make positive changes in my life again. Thank you so much
Another great video that took something I've been subconsciously realizing over a long time and made it crystal clear for me. I need to learn how to use my shame and not run from it. At the same time, I wish Dr. K more clearly made the point that some shame is useful but sometimes people make you feel shame when you did nothing wrong, which deserves a different kind of response.
Thank you for bringing this up. I used shame as motivation and it worked perfectly rather waiting for ‘support’ that was never going to come from people around me at that time in my life. I’m more independent and able to care for myself than if I hadn’t shamed myself into doing things I was scared of.
Same but.. Shame that made me study good and have a good career, also left me with huge social anxiety, depression etc
There is plenty more to say on the topic, yes... If someone gets too big of a stack of shame sources on them, it can be crushing. Which wouldn't be the case if shame avoidance weren't so easy today. Overcoming causes of shame also builds confidence (I suspect, anyway), which would make it easier to overcome future deficiencies/incompetencies... so if someone doesn't have that the challenge is that much more daunting. People need major sources of support and strength to face the stack of shame, ignore all but one layer, and keep them up while they DPS the hecc out of it. And then again until they catch up in level.
Yes but what if the success never comes, what if every time you ignore the shame and wait for something to prove you wrong you just get more shame loaded onto you in a never ending cycle of hoping one day that you prove the contradictory to your shame but it just never ends.
You need to realise the only person who can save you is yourself. Support is conditional. At the end of the day you’re all you have.
As someone who's been through a lot of abuse, shame is something I've more often seen being used to manipulate and control than to actually encourage people to grow.
I use treating myself like a video game character and being happy when I level up, valuing the perspectives of people I trust, taking responsibility for my choices, living without regret, and preparing for my future to help me grow instead of letting everyone dictate how my life should be. I don't think positive shame has to be this big overwhelming crippling thing that keeps you trapped as it does in abusive situations. It can be encouraging yourself to try again or a friend encouraging you to consider a different perspective.
The way something that makes you grow and something that keeps you trapped feel are quite different even if they are utilizing the same mechanism.
The only way I can see positive shame feeling like abusive shame is if you've drowned out growth for so long that when someone confronts you about it you recognize how bad your behavior was and can't deal with the weight of your choices, or if you haven't healed from the abuse in your past so even criticism from somebody you trust feels bad. If you aren't drowning things out, are healing, and are learning I don't think you have to feel that depth of negative shame outside of abusive people.
It's almost like we need a different word for shame about things that we have the power to change vs things we don't. There's plenty of shame being doled out to folks over things like gender identity, sexual orientation, normal-but-not-conventionally-attractive body sizes/shapes, having normal sexual urges, etc. that lead to behavioral change that is often harmful to oneself. Dr K's framing of shame here focuses on using it as a motivator toward positive change (as opposed to pure avoidance) and I think he's spot-on; but when it comes to things we can't change about ourselves (and arguably shouldn't be forced to change) the approach has to be more in the direction of de-stigmatization and embracing of the thing that one was made to feel ashamed of. It's the same emotion but two wildly different treatment paths depending on how much agency a person has over circumstances that evoke the emotion.
OK Dr K, I watched the whole vid now, and a topic you don't cover is toxic shame.
Oftentimes we're brought up to feel ashamed when we really shouldn't. It's still bad to run away from this shame, don't get me wrong, but the way of dealing with it is different in this scenario.
Great explanation! Really helpful. “Indeed, there existeth in man a faculty which deterreth him from, and guardeth him against, whatever is unworthy and unseemly, and which is known as his sense of shame.” Baha’u’llah
Dr. K, what the hell man?
Thank you for making sense of shame - and for turning it into something useful, functional constructive and forward bringing.
I think what we need to focus on is when people over-shame you to the point it stunts your growth. People are the reason that people don’t change. We really need to discuss situations like that. When constantly shamed, even when you are doing at all and random people you don’t even know are talking nasty about you, is bone crushingly scary and intimidating. People use shame as a toxic tool to beat you into submission. I’ve wanted to apologize for certain things that didn’t go well only to be shamed to the max. I had people I didn’t even fucking no coming up to me and around me talking shit about me near me. I tried to be nice. Do you think it helped. Nope! I was getting my ass mentally kicked every five minutes. I was expected to sit there and take it. I felt unloved, disgusting, overly ripped apart. I saw these people make mistakes and continue to do so even after because they were still. I definitely didn’t see them getting ripped apart they way I was. People can really hinder the growth of others.
I got recommended this video the day after having one of the most shameful experiences of my life. Without going into detail, I will say that it involved my college roommate who I'm going to be living with for the next several months. I can confirm that everything in this video is absolutely correct--it would be impossible to put into words the immense drive I feel to drastically change my behavior so that I no longer need to feel ashamed around my roommate.
Shame has never been a motivator for me. Guilt has, but shame leaves me feeling defeated, helpless and self-hateful. In my understanding, guilt occurs when you have done something "bad", embarrassment is when you feel you are perceived as "bad" and shame is the feeling that you are inherently bad and therefore nothing you do matters because you can't change it. I felt like Dr K was talking more about guilt and embarrassment here. Shame is something my emotionally immature parents used to control me and let their frustration/anxiety out on me - in my experience it's only ever been abusive. I didn't fit their unrealistic and unspoken expectations so they shamed me and made me feel like I was a piece of sh*t. This was not productive and not even a true reflection of who I am. If there is an evolutionary purpose for shame, I would say it's a call to check your own personal value system, define what it means to you to be good and bad, separate your behaviour from your character, evaluate how you fit in society and assess if the people shaming you are helpful or harmful.
Guilt = Knowing you did something bad
Shame = Feeling bad cause you know you did something bad
Embarrassment = Shame
Shame is the cornerstone of growth -- as well stated in the video.
Use it (for good) when you become a parent.
thanks for supper lesson, i have been hiding myself and making myself miserable, i will force myself to feel shame and fear to grow. may God bless you
I’m loving the fact that the title moved from why you should be ashamed of yourself to why shame is key to a better life. I guess editor was too ashamed of the title.
Sometimes RUclipsrs change the title to appease the algorithm. There are many channels that go through several titles per video until they find the one that gets the best engagement.
I am here because I experienced tremendous amound of shame about myself and my state of life last night when I went into a group gestalt therapy meeting. Seeing all this smart ppl doing good in life, expressing themselfs properly and connecting to each other, and there is me, a simpleton with his head chopped off... felt too painful. 1h, and I was OUT. Couldnt stand it. That was hard. Now I need to know more about shame.
Don't avoid all shame by retreating or by growing, avoid it by realizing that it is dumb and you can let go of it. Easier said than done I guess. But is it really good advice to tell someone whos ashamed of their beach bod that they should try to get thinner? What if it is all in their head in the first place, and they end up developing anorexia and never stop feeling the shame. They should maybe just accept that theres a chance some people will judge them, but in this modern world you can actually find friends who won't judge you (I think maybe), and you can not judge yourself (I think).
But seriously theres two moral goals in life that I can think of: 1) for yourself to be happy 2) to contribute to the world. Insecurity doesn't help with either goal. Now you can escape insecurity by fixing the problem, or by stopping to feel that way without fixing it, or letting go of it. Both are hard to actually do, but I think both should be considered
This is horrendous advice. Pretending as if the shame does not exist, aka acting as if "it is dumb and you can let go of it" is just as maladaptive as retreating from it, because that's effectively what it is. That sense of shame is there for a reason. Just as pain is in the body not to hurt us, but to tell us to avoid something in the future, shame is there to try to force us to change. Pretending that you can just ignore it is just as self-destructive as leaving Chess, then ceasing to learn guitar, and on, and on…
This resonates with something else I heard once. The more difficult choice is usually the one that leads to the better outcome.
I've been in therapy for over a year now. I've talked about my shame around so many things for so long. And my therapist tries to tell me to look at my shame as a lesson but all I always feel I like a failure. Why are you explaining these things so well and make me understand these lessons so much better than any other mental health professional before?!
Why? Cause he Got Good.
We all got different skill levels, maybe he just worded it better.
On the other hand my mom always told me “the teacher only shows up when the student is ready” meaning that this time you were ready.
The root of this is to face your fear rather than letting it control you. People need to stop running so much from fear, pain, anxiety, and even discomfort.
The better you can deal with those things the sooner you'll be able to get back on track when things go awry, and dealing with those things is a learned skill like anything else.
This video came at just the right time. Yesterday I almost caused a friend to get hurt by mentioning to a crackhead that he was wearing a Gucci belt. I’m gonna go tomorrow and apologise to my friend so I can get rid of this shame.
Dr.K, you’re the best!
You feel guilt, not shame
This video isn't for everyone, but I needed this message. Yes some points could be added but if he adds everything it'll be hours long. For too long I've been unproductive with my shame, and I need to try learning to move forward with it and make it productive. Thanks Dr. K!
This gives me a lot to think about. On the one hand, it means I should give more consideration to how that shame I felt during the majority of my marriage has affected me. On the other hand, I have to weigh those feelings against the fact that my ex-wife was a toxic, emotional abuser who used every opportunity to make me feel ashamed of myself so she could control my behaviour.
Separating any valid criticisms she might have had from the gaslighting & belittling feels like it's going to be a pain...
It might be better to focus on developing your own values and judging your behavior in terms of how it conflicts with that rather than how she would criticize you.
You're right... You're right... Now that I think about it, keeping the voice of the person who constantly broke you down, mentally & emotionally, as your measuring stick for how you continue to live your life couldn't possibly be a healthy approach.
@@KevinDIntrovert And once you figure out your own values, try to surround yourself with good people who share those values and can support you in your growth. 😊
Wouldn't guilt be a more proper expression to use here? (Shame=what I am; guilt=what i did or didn't do)
As many other viewers said, not every shame/guilt should be indication to change one's behaviour.
On the other hand, as someone who struggles with alexithymia, this video was an important one.
This whole thing makes negative sense to me. I have no idea how to turn shame into a motivator. Whenever I feel shame it lingers and colors everything I do, and I really don't improve through shame. I only grow in comfort, the minute shame is introduced I shrink back into feeling stupid, useless, incapable of growth. I can't really pin this on the internet, as a so-called "elder Millenial" this was my experience even as a child. Shame meant I was dealing with something I could never grow past. It still does.
Since shame comes from bad thoughts about yourself, shame cant be a healthy motivator. Youre right
I’d say its more “be aware of and attempt to be prepared for what gives you shame in yourself.” Rather than what feels like is implied as, “create more shame for yourself.” I understand its like be in those situations of ashamed and rewire your fixing that shame to action rather than avoidance. I just think adding more problems when you may be really overwhelmed and the shame might be long term stacked onto yourself, its a bit much.
Think like this Dr.K, you spawn at the bonfire, but you still have poison, burn, and curse on your character regardless of respawns. You gotta first deal with that before you can even begin to prepare for the next boss, let alone the commute to get there. So that’s multi-layered shame you have to cure first.
0:10: 😳 The video discusses the importance of shame and how it can help address problems in society.
3:27: 🕺 Shame can drive personal growth and motivate us to learn new skills.
6:12: 💔 Shame in ancient societies led to a strong desire to avoid it, but physical restraints made it impossible to retreat from circumstances that induced shame.
9:18: 😔 Shame can cause people to abandon their endeavors when they face setbacks.
12:10: 🔑 Utilizing shame can be a powerful motivator for behavioral change.
Recap by Tammy AI
Thanks for highlighting the key points for me :)
@@Javier_02906 they key points of a video are always in the description
These timestamps are pretty useless, the ones in the description are much better.
Listen I appreciate you trying but AI sucks at timestamps.
Disabled people get often shamed for their very existence, and behaviours that we have a limited amount of control over. As a person born with cerebral palsy a disablist society taught me to be ashamed of my very existence. Being shamed for abnormal neuromotor patterns made me work very hard to learn how to walk, but I will never have normative gait or be a good "normative" dancer. Learning that teaching me to feel ashamed of that was unfair and is where society went wrong is the one thing that liberated me. This video dangerously oversimplifies the various kinds and functions of shame.
Shame is what keeps me from doing anything with my miserable life :/
Same…it’s so messed up and ironic
That’s why you do things until you’re no longer ashamed of doing them
You should watch his other video where he talks about how to do things with your life.
A really good one is an earlier video where he explains procrastination. I think it is within one of the Playlists Last I deep delved into the channel, I just forget which one.
It is a video where you can see chat on the screen, and the background is completely different from the one he has now.
@@Nisowyd If only it were that easy 😅
@@user-th1pv6ks5o I've watched pretty much all of Dr. K.'s videos but it's not exactly working heh
The problem is greater than anyone wants to admit heh
Holy shit, I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. Thank you Dr. K
I was abused as a kid, and this is really relevant to me. I kind of came to this conclusion on my own and in much different less eloquent words, but even without understanding this concept fully, I did understand that something was different once I started admitting to myself, the things I was actually ashamed of, and not shutting it out like I was used to.
this video resonated with me more than Dr K's usual videos. It's a message we all need to hear and it's helped me understand something I struggled to put words to. Thanks Dr K
This was very confusing. I was like "who has harvest festivals twice a year"? It'll be spring in six months and the crops will barely be planted by then. But then I remembered Dr K is not from the cold dark north like I am.
Idk Doc. I'm a trans person, and my relationship with shame is a lot deeper than just sucking at Dark Souls or being afraid to dance (although, don't get me wrong, I do accept that I suck at Dark Souls). I'm ashamed of existing tbh, and I'm often told that's how I should feel on a regular basis. When people in public, neighbours, your family members, friends from school, people on the news, soooo many people online, and even people in your government are constantly telling you that you're a selfish monster, a demon, a sexual predator, an unlovable circus freak, a science experiment, a degenerate, and a waste of space... you eventually start to feel ashamed just for waking up in the morning. And sure, I can move past some of those things and do my own thing without letting it get to me. I try to surround myself with positivity as much as I can, and I've grown thicker skin over time, but that stuff really eats away at you after a while
That's where I think English is a limited language, or relevant context and the limitations of applicability is missing. Somewhere along this thread, I mentioned how staying in an environment that is actively shaming someone for no good reason, will never help someone to overcome shame, to the contrary it will enhance shame. Staying in post-disaster Chernobil rain will not "harden" a person against the outside world's toxicity, it will destroy the person. Being neurodivergent, being queer, being a trans person, is really hard in a neurotypical normative cis-hetero normative environment that actively and passsively attacks and shames anyone who doesn't fit the mold. That's where Brene Brown's approach on overcoming shame, but also the approach in Fear Is The Mind Killer by K. Sadowski on how to create positive growth oriented learning spaces, is better. With squinted eyes I can see how Brene Brown and Dr K align in different wording. But I also see how this video can go off the rails if misapplied. For your situation, I hope you find an accepting environment. Where announcing that you are a trans person is similar to saying "I have blond hair, green eyes and like wearing havaianas at home", where people genuinely smile, nod and ask you if you want a cup of tea, making no fuzz. Treat you as a person.
In Thailand you won't be
that's really useful mate you should feel proud of that one@@Shreya...1
@@Shreya...1That's cool, but I don’t live in Thailand lol
Obviously he's not speaking to specific people.
I’ve realised that it’s shame that keeps me paralysed. I feel worthless, and the feeling of shame stops me from being better, and instead I punish myself and don’t make any progress because shame tells me there’s no matter what I do I’ll still be fundamentally worthless. Talk about maladaptive!
Shame is inherently negative. It's a blockade disabling you from experiencing things and see if you find them good/enjoyble or not. Thats the only guide/moral compass you need, not shame itself.
id like to think it was through shame and a tad bit of bullying by my best friend is what shaped me to be a better a person after turning 18 years old contrast to my teenagerhood where i used to have red-pill mentality.
had it not been for my best friend, i would not know where i would be today or what dog shit opinions and mentality i would be expressing today. Thanks Santiago!
You could say this about Guilt more so, Guilt is Objective Shame is Subjective a jury does not find one to be shamed but guilty, guilt runs straight to the heart you know if you are or aren’t
Facts! Guilt = ive done something wrong
Shame = i am wrong
I think recognize the source of shame correctly is also really important too, because I often find myself setting the bar too high and then avoiding the whole thing altogether, but in the most of the time, if I just tried more and give myself more chances, I could at least grow a little and felt the improvement.
I'm still going to watch because you help me a lot but i don't want to be ashamed of myself. Because I'm the type to sit still when i do feel bad. I know there's people who fuel off negative emotions but shame, frustration, irritation, etc. All these negative emotions make me "give up". I know your titles are to hook in viewers so i could be wrong. This is just my first impression
If shame makes you give up, then you are doing exactly what he describes. You are retreating from the situation, rather than addressing it. I often realize that im trying to retreat as well. There is a place for shame. It is a hard thing to face head on, but running away from it is the same thing as running away from a better version of yourself. Keep your head up bro, you are not alone.
Ive always felt that my depression wasnt a valid enough struggle and for the longest time, that shame kept me motivated to prevent myself from sinking deeper. Like brushing my teeth at least once a day bc i really dont want irreversible teeth damage. Getting up to take care of myself and eating before I play games so I dont feel like a musty discord mod 😭
Ive been getting help. Therapy and signed up for DOR (department of rehabilitation) to help me find a job. I still feel shame that I should be doing more because other people my age suck it up and do it. Even though me and my therapist have talked about how depression really affects my ability to do things. I never could accept it even if I think logically. Shame forced me to take even the littlest steps and its been paying off!!
I feel like this is a subject requiring more than 15 minutes. There is good information in the video, but judging from some of the other comments, and my own view, there is a lot more that needs to be discussed. Like, what do you do when bullies in a group refuse to let you grow? You are made ashamed of something, justified or not, but instead of being allowed to improve yourself the group refuses to let it go. Be it from parents, peers, teachers, bosses, or random strangers on the internet it has to end once you do improve yourself. The internet allows us to hide from shameful experiences but it also allows bullies to make people feel ashamed without reason or end. Shame has two sides and we cannot forget that, no matter how important it is, it is pushed upon us by others who don't have our growth or the survival of the group in mind! They only care about their own amusement or power or profit in mind!
A much better discussion is recognizing what you should and shouldn't be ashamed of and who you allow to shame you. That alone will be over 30 minutes at least.
While trying to sleep last night after watching this video, I felt an intense shame (along with rage against by father) as I often do. But instead of getting herbal tea, melatonin, or playing a mobile game, I sat with the feelings for a little while. I thought, "This horrible mixture of disgusting feelings are a part of the human experience for a reason. If I can understand these feelings instead of numbing them, I can use them as fuel to change my life." That idea that I could probably change, that I had these feelings for a reason, helped me to relax. (Even though I don't know what to do to fix my life in a concrete way.)
I've talked with my dad in the past, and he shared that his father judged him for a pretty minor fault, making him think that he was a failure with no hope for redemption. My grandfather was a high-functioning alcoholic and my dad is a workaholic. I think my family has been numbing and ignoring feelings of guilt for many generations.
Several comments are talking about shame versus guilt, and it seems the main difference is "Bad Shame" comes with an understanding that it's caused by who I am, and I can't do anything to change it; while "Guilt, or Good Shame" is caused by an action I can change. I hope everyone feeling shame can also feel faith that we can work to improve our situation.
Out of all the comments I've read up until this point from now, you got it.
A lot of people argued that shame leads to depression, self-loathing, etc. and while those are true, it's not the right answer to avoid shame entirely and to label shame as entirely horrible and abhorrent.
Also, there's also toxic shame too, so yeah, there's also that...
Shame is what keeps me in a cycle of never doing anything I want to do and not knowing what I want (because it is stupid or pointless). My mother instilled in me a feeling that what I want does not matter, leaving me with only needs. My entire personality is trying to secure my needs and once those are secure, trying to prevent future needs. Naturally that is somehow impossible. You always have to eat again, you always have to clean again, all of these recurring things in life just slowly eat away at me as I try to prevent them and never make any progress. If I get anything done it is because the motivation comes from external pressures. I get work done because someone or something is telling me that it needs done. I get stuff done at home because I know it needs done. I don't ask for help because it is shameful because I'm putting my burdens on someone else and in the off chance that I'm breaking down and finally do ask for help it isn't taken seriously or no one knows how to help me. All of this because my narcissistic mother had to prove to the world that she is a good mother. I have crippling shame and never feel good enough because of you, but hey, she got her child through college, so clearly she did a good job, right?
I'm not a professional but as a peer I suggest that one of the most helpful things I tell myself (and others when they're being judgmental) is "It doesn't have to make sense, it's a hobby". Stupid and pointless things can nonetheless be emotionally rewarding, and you deserve to have positive emotions in your life, even if the activity doesn't materially benefit you or anyone else. In my case, putting acrylic paint on a piece of canvas isn't of artistic merit and doesn't help anyone else, but I feel calm and focused while I am doing it, and that alone is good enough.
Congratulations on making it through college even with the narc mom. Clearly you are good enough, even if that wasn't your personal goal. I've been forced to accept help because I have a severe disability, so I understand how difficult that can be. There are people out there who know how to help with CPTSD. Probably not as many as are needed, and you may have to ask lots of different people to get properly heard. I hope you find what you need.
I’ve never heard anyone talk about shame like this. I’m going to try using shame the right way instead of retreating to feeling like a failure and giving up instead.
To anyone who’s having doubts about using shame this way, I’ll try to update you on my progress applying this method in 3 areas of my life; health, wealth and hobbies.
I would say you are more describing guilt. Shame was described to me as a lingering feeling that prevents you from growing. It can be brought on by friends or family, society, or a number or other source, but I was taught shame is debilitating where guilt is more disciplinary.
I don't really think guilt is an emotion. Imo, guilt is a state of being where you feel deserving of blame. Shame on the other hand is the emotion. Its embarrasment and humiliation.
@counterintuitivepanda4555 I still wouldn't say Dr. K is talking about shame correctly, but I agree with you actually. If it were me now that I think about it more, I would have elaborated a little more on how a certain amount of shame can be used for discipline and growth, but too much can end up paralyzing a person from taking certain actions.
As someone who chases the activities that make me feel good and quickly gives up when there are any difficulties, I also struggle with the same of being exposed as a fraud, not being so talented as I 'made people (and myself!) believe'.
I suffer because I can't study and practice consistently and rarely leave my comfort zone.
I'm currently working in therapy on exposing myself to negative emotions and 'surviving them'.
I believe that streaming drawing is what can make me grow a bit - it's so embarrassing!!! when things don't just magically appear perfect (like for other people, right ; ))?), viewers are watching, and I need to keep going!! And think about that I cannot sound too panicky or discouraged!
I hope I will find courage to continue with it.
It’s not the shame that teaches you. The shame just makes you alert to what you already have to learn
Oh well then, I must be on a fast track to "git gud"ness, given that I go through life with a little shame monster always hanging on my shoulder...!
I don't follow you on this one, encouraging shame is a tricky thing and can go south very quickly and direly, especially for those of us who struggle with executive dysfunction. Your wedding example raised my hackles; you don't want to be sending anyone straight into an eating disorder, right?
But your advice was good in regards to procrastination, I'll give you that. I need to go make some some arrangements...
I wish I heard this all in my teenage days. My life would have been very different
now we just need a good way to tell what things are good things to feel ashamed of and which things are not good things to feel ashamed of. because alot of people, and even society as a whole, or atleast in certain circles, has very, very different ideas of what counts as "shameful".
even if people around you think being gay, or autistic, is worthy of shame, that doesnt mean it actually is, or that its healthy to think that it is. think critically about shame before blindly following its lead, as all emotions can lead you down destructive paths just as easily as they can lead you down productive ones
Thanks for the reminder. I’m calling my therapist for another appointment.
I'm so glad dr.k did a video about this. I discovered not too long ago after reading more about stoicism that shame isn't something to be afraid of, it's an opportunity for you to grow a signal life shows you that there's nothing to be ashamed of. I was once very scared of public speaking, but lately I never cared about what people would think of me since I do this for me and not for anyone else, we often overexaggerate what people think of us if we did something that made us feel shamed when, It's never the problem in the first place.
Idk about this one. Due to anxiety I feel shame for things that I should just let go or consider but not dwell on. I don’t run and I go and confront it yet it still haunts me.
Maybe you mean guilt? Guilt is a solvable feeling due to doing something wrong and correcting the behavior. Shame is generally associated with being stuck and hating yourself.
Also your behavior has to be accepted when it changes and people rarely let you change. They hold onto their impressions and it becomes part of their ego.
I try to use guilt and the many times I’ve fd up to be better and not to run from it. But having them haunt you 24/7 isn’t exactly helpful.
The thing about shame is that it's very much structured by those around us. Like DK said, if you get ostricized for stealing, you'll want to stop stealing if you can't escape that shame. If you get shamed for say being empathetic toward someone who was hurt for not believing what your tribe believes, then you'll become callous toward the suffering of people whose beliefs don't fit with your tribe's.
Shame is not just a driver of personal development, but it can also be a driver of closed mindedness if left unchecked.
The Dark Dr. K arc
Dark? This is great advice, though.
That makes sense to me. I was moving a lot when I was a kid - thus switching social context every few years. I think that's when I picked up the "start anew rather than trying to fix it" - mentality and why I just try to distract myself everytime something get's uncomfortable. Thanks!
What about when the shame has nothing to do with wanting a higher skill level, such as when toxic people shame you? If the shame is supposed to motivate you to change, would you recommend changing by getting away from those people, or by learning how to respond to that kind of toxicity in some way? It seems like the shame may be misplaced there if someone is shaming me for something that I didn't actually do wrong or wasn't deficient in, or something I didn't care to change but I feel ashamed because they are mad.
ETA: I don't think this video was a miss so much as it is incomplete. Can we request a part 2?
He's talking about personal shame not shame given onto us
You can't control peoples emotions but you can control yours
I agree with this. Shame is a really potent emotion and it has honestly one of the main catalyst behind my most productive weeks/months/years.
Being ashamed of not being the person you aspire you can be is a strong driving force to turn you into a better person
Dr. K, this is super helpful, but what about identifying if the shame is necessary or not.
I feel like wether it’s necessary or not, if you make changes to what made you feel ashamed, you’ll have a healthier mind next time. Obviously there are exceptions to the rules eg, anorexic person feeling fat and ashamed so loses weight. But it’s a youtube video so he’s not going to cover all avenues ❤
I know everyone is always like “wow these videos are perfect timing” but actually I was literally talking today, wondering what the purpose of shame was. Thanks for the answer.
Guilt: I did something bad, and I should do what I can to repair any damage I've caused, or at least not do the thing again.
Shame: I am a bad person. I need to fix myself.
I think guilt is overall healthier because it's less likely to be chronic / toxic because it's so much more PRECISE and ACTIONABLE. Guilt is specific, whereas shame is an overall negative evaluation.
I think shame is kind of like the unhealthy side of the same coin as guilt.
Psychologist pointed out that guilt is something other give you to induce shame. Manipulative people use guilt in form of guilt tripping to manipulate you. Guilt come from outside source. Guilt can from empathizing with others. If do something to hurt them this guilt results in shame for hurting them. Now you either try to make amend or internalize the shame and avoid the person in future. That's just example. You can have shame by not meeting expectations, no need for others to use guilt to make you feel shame. That's how she explained it me and I had all this shame for things beyond my control. Like shame for not being able to control another person's emotions. I had to learn I can't control other people emotion but I could control how I react to their emotions. In doing that I refused accept guilt. Trying to make me responsible for their happiness though guilt is guilt I do not have to accept. No shame that way either.
I agree that it might take us towards progress, towards solving a problem, but when it doesn't, the feeling of guilt, inadequacy and low self esteem makes it worse. I guess it's best to motivate yourself, use the temporary anger into something productive, but being positive about yourself in your own way of saying.
Sometimes I get too sweaty after running, and I come home, but instead of feeling ashamed I feel proud of myself cuz I gave 110% effort. So I was positive about it.
Dr. K... with all due respect, and with all sincerity, please re-edit this video or take it down. I understand what you're trying to do, and believe me, I recommend to my patients to face their fears too, but not this way. This is very dangerous.
Shame leads to conformity. It is fortunate if conforming aligns with an individual's values hence it can promote growth that way, but there are far too many examples where conforming only leads to misery. Although one can improve one's hunting skills to avoid being ashamed, there is nothing one can do if one is born with a disability (i.e. blindness). Many women have been shamed throughout history for being unable to bear children, but certainly not due to the lack of trying. You get my point?
Please do not conflate the concept of 'correcting undesirable behaviour' with 'growth'. Growth is something personal and can only be valued by the person attempting it. There is growth to be had even in giving up a pursuit.
Society needs to employ shame to regulate the behaviour of its members, that's natural. But it becomes a problem when individuals attach their self-worth to their behaviour. When shaming, we ought to shame the theft, not the thief. We need to sever the link between one's behaviour and one's concept of self aka identity. There is no chance of growth if the thief felt ashamed of his/her core identity. They might refrain from stealing, but they are still saddled with guilt and shame which will lead to other wrongdoings. It is through the development of a healthier and prosocial personal identity that we rehabilitate individuals. Otherwise, you are merely treating the symptoms of a deeper ailment.
I know I'm going to get a lot of hate from Dr. K fans... but please listen carefully. I'm a fan myself, but this piece of advice I cannot abide by. If you want to get better at doing something, but you are hindered by shame, you need to say to yourself the following:
"My identity has nothing to do with the success or outcomes of my actions. I am not stupid, evil, or undeserving. I am NOT shameful. I just need more practice and perhaps more luck." Also, don't do things for the sake of conformity. Do things that aligns with your values!
Modifying an entrenched behaviour, especially one that is so heavily shamed, is easier said than done, but it isn't impossible. You can be ashamed of your actions, but don't be ashamed of your SELF. Get back up, dust yourself off, and do better next time.
I’ve got a personal, kind of unique issue with shame. I’m a male and had a promiscuous past, later on I absolutely regretted it and have fixed it thanks to shame, but it hasn’t left. It has kept me stuck and incapable of having a romantic, intimate relationship with another person, I’m afraid of her asking my in regards of my past and dumping me because of it. I would love to have a family in the future, and my mistakes in the past caused a permanent stain of shame that I find really hard to remove. I’m still young, I’m 26, but I’m kind of afraid of being forever stuck in this situation.
I already hate myself
Shame overwhelms me so I recognize it's inconsequential, it signals nothing of value and move on. When I get lost in it I literally think "actually, I don't care." And that's the end of it. My motivation comes from intent which I find by honoring myself spiritually and physically. Specifically, meditating, my self-talk narrative is grateful and I make effort to care for my physical body. Shame doesn't serve me.
The moment I try not to be ashamed of myself, I make wrong decisions and blunders.
Then that’s your opportunity to learn from them.
This video highlights empowering yourself to manage "shame programming" from your past Taking reaponsibility for the shame that is wired in your head is the very definition of accountability. If you didn't(or couldn't) stop the misinformstion then, you have to do the work to sort and stop it now.
It is what these videos are all about. Any implied toxicity is a fundamental misunderstanding of the conversation. It happens to us all
Shame solves nothing, it just makes you have a better apperance in the eyes of other people but you feel shame because they did judge you in the first place. so its all gaslighting to make you comply with society D; and thats also how gaslighting works just shame someone for problems you caused to him :0 and shame is linked to gaslighting, because there is allways a person behind the cause for the feeling of shame.