A tip I learned from a psychiatrist: If you are mad at someone you love to the point you need to leave the room, Tell the person, "I am very upset at you right now, and I can't talk to you. I will talk to you in [x] hours." Then, you don't talk to them until that time has elapsed. However, AFTER that time has elapsed, you HAVE to talk to them at least if to say you need an extension. but the point is to not keep extending time, but to give yourself a time-out and collect your thoughts. this way, you aren't cutting them off completely, and they know that, even if you are mad at them now, you aren't going to ghost them and leave them in the lurch. it gives them time to think as well, and cool off. It also keeps them from feeling like the "bad guy", because often they are not the bad guy, nor are you the bad guy, you just have a disagreement and the PROBLEM is the bad guy.
And the big problem is when the other side don't understand this and try to keep on pushing that argument, which obviously would only irritate you more. That's essentially what my mother did to my father, when he said he's too angry to talk and go back to his room, she will try to force the argument, standing in front of his door talking non-stop, and that eventually lead to my father losing his mind and resort to violence. It's not until much later that she learned to respect that.
Okay and what happens when you try that method and they gaslight you into staying because you’ll cause them to feel abandoned and because they always want to “solve” things instantly but don’t even listen to you they just want to spew out all their feelings onto you.
@@mannysequeira1182 Well, the point is to keep your word. Keep that boundary, and when the allotted time is up, you then talk to them again. You have to be decisive and hold your ground, and (just as importantly) keep your word. If someone starts to try to gaslight you while doing this, write down the time on a piece of paper. Then, if they try to keep arguing with before the time is up, point to the paper.
I always repress my anger and either I act passive-aggressive or explode on the poor soul that triggers me. I always feel bad for even experiencing anger in the first place towards others because I don't want to be a hateful person and I don't know how to regulate it.
Attachment theory addresses boundary issues. Figuring out what mine are, not assuming others have the same ones, and communicating about boundaries effectively solved so many hang ups for me that spiraled out of this issue. It wasn’t obvious to me how it all related because I had really unhealthy modeling growing up. I’m now more of a problem solver than conflict avoidant.
Short answer: see if you can assert yourself more and demonstrate boundaries healthily and tactfully. You shouldn't have to repress your emotions constantly, and if you do, you're probably in a bad workplace/family situation/friend group etc.
The best way to regulate it is to accept it and feel it more clearly. I haven't watched this video yet, but Dr. K always says that emotions are something that happen to you, not something you are. So let the angry feelings come up when they do, but don't blame yourself for them. It takes a while for your brain to start to understand that feelings of anger aren't themselves dangerous (and so it'll let you control/express anger more appropriately), so have some patience with yourself. But if you're already aware of your passive-aggression/explosion tendencies, you're in a good spot. Keep going!
I would love a series on how to healthily regulate common emotions. Right now I struggle with Envy as I seem to always feel bad about myself or hateful that someone else has things that I desire.
@person1894Y49 Not to judge, just an observation, that does sound like deflection rather than solving the issue of envy. Instead of healthily processing the envy you're just deferring it.
What you said at 12:35 sometimes doesn't work, depending on the person you're arguing with. My mother is an example. If you tell her that you would like to step away from the conversation because you're feeling frustrated, she will physically follow you to wherever you decide to go calm yourself down and just double down on everything she said that made you angry or frustrated in the first place and even try to make you feel guilty in the process for getting angry. She's usually the first one to raise her voice at people or make sarcastic and judgmental comments, yet expresses feelings of indignation when someone responds to her aggressive behaviour with anger.
Sounds hella toxic. Just try to avoid things with her as much as you can until you can permanently, or at least until she’ll listen and discuss things reasonably.
Someone like that uses like the phrase "talking back" on you whenever you do that or say (that) what they say "isn't what" or "like what" you do. They say "Are you talking back to me?" and try to do something out of rage. And even "arguing" feels better than how they talk about "talking back".
First off, I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. When I read your comment about her physically following you, my heart sank. Can I ask what are situations in which she does give you space? If you’re an adult, I’d suggest literally leaving for a walk or drive. If you are still a teenager or for any reason unable to get the space you need, do you have other adults you can confide in? Most important thing is your safety. Someone with narcissistic tendencies is often taken aback by people who are able to hold themselves accountable. You might be able to shift the momentum by focusing on things you can take responsibility for “I hear what you’re saying and I want to be respectful of your wishes, can I have time to reflect on my action/behavior?” Just to buy yourself some time until you feel safe. Once she calms down, you can try approaching the topic again if it’s important. Maybe ask her questions to better understand what causes her to act so aggressively. Frame it in a way that makes her feel respected and heard instead of trying to counter or correct her. Want to reiterate what Dr. K said - NOT because you deserve being treated that way, but you have come to expect it unfortunately. Hopefully you can then gain some insight to better navigate the situation. Terrible when you are literally born into a toxic environment.
Sometimes it can be represented as expecting too much too quickly, I seem to have a bad habit of expecting exactly what I want within the next 10-15 seconds. I think putting in ‘not enough’ steps to get to your goals tends to help me the most, especially when looking at things in the long run.
I live in South Korea, a country that culturally represses any sort of negative emotion for the sake of reputation. This has led to a localized mental disease called "Hwabyeong" (화병). People with this disease are often elderly who have spent an entire life of unfairness, pushed down from others who are higher in the hierarchy system, yet unable to complain about it. This leads to a mind break where the individual is unable to confront his anger as a result of conditions that he perceives to be unfair.
It can be so demoralizing to be afraid of your own anger, so much so you can fall into depression and end up becoming passive aggressive all the time. Thanks to DBT and videos like this I am much less afraid of becoming angry. Now I can rely on myself to ride that wave and learn from it to make better changes in my life.
I know the feeling, when I was a kid/teenager I only knew how to express my anger physically, so by the time i got to adulthood I would just freeze up because I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I would actually really hope people would give me enough justification for me to be physical but it rarely happened. Things got better when I finally started learning to speak my anger. The vast majority of the time people handle it well and may even apologize if you express yourself maturely. It’s still tough sometimes when people go way over the line and I just want to hurt them physically but i don’t want to get fired/sued/arrested… but I also learned to simply use “flight” instead of “fight” sometimes. It’s actually in some ways more effective. If you’ve ever had someone walk away from you or avoid you, it feels pretty terrible.
Hi Dr. K, I almost never comment, but I wanted to let you know that this video helped me a ton. It actually made me start seeing a therapist and realize that many problems, including that always-present amount of irritation, was actually anger.
I am recovering “nice” guy(which is just another term for spineless coward) under the guise of stoicism and turning the other cheek. I was raised this way(but I take responsibility) before I discovered how miserable I made me and others around me feel. I would get mad but smile it off so I don’t seem toxic(the irony). I repressed my emotions for so long that I suspect it’s one the causes of my cancer. I have learned to express myself even it means I’ll end up alone. Edit: thanks guys. This initial comment was to share my experience and I see others feel the same
Hey there, fellow stranger. I'd say that describing yourself as a spineless coward is so harsh... Perhaps that was the way you learned to interact in the world because you were afraid of being rejected and at the same time craving human connections. You deserve compassion, especially from you.
Being a stoic doesn't mean you stop feeling all your emotions or bottling them up it's being able to take in all emotions good and bad and evaluating them appropriately truly kind people are strong because they choose to be You deserve better than to talk down to yourself
I've always been hot tempered and as a kid and teenager I used to be much more aggressive. Eventually I realized that's not socially acceptable and that I would have to control it if I wanted to move forward in life as an adult. I've gotten relatively good at controlling myself and not expressing the unjustified anger that I still often feel. The problem now is that now, when I am JUSTIFIABLY angry, I find it somewhat hard to unleash it and become forceful as I should!
I get angry when I'm lied to and ignored. I'm relentlessly honest with people and I expect them to be honest with me, because I don't believe anyone has an excuse to lie, barring life threatening situations. The emotions I feel are more than just anger though. There's a deep sense of grief and humiliation that comes with it too, because lies destroy my friendships and I'm dumb enough to believe them. I believe I'm owed an apology for being lied to, and often I'm told to just shut up and drop it. It leaves me feeling betrayed by the people I trusted without a sense of closure, a feeling that gets worse with time, not better.
I tried to fit to my ex’s bipolar disorder as best as a I could. He used his knowledge of my abandonment issues to insult and ghost me for maximum ouchies 😅
I feel just like you ... too many of my "friends" lie so much. It's gotten to the point where I get very very angry just thinking about it. At least I've gotten very good at detecting lies.
The breathing strategy is superb👌 Thank you for another banger upload. Also, I like how Alok ties the importance of maintaining healthy expectations into the freeing of brain space and the freedom that this gives in return. ❤❤❤
I wish so badly that I could talk to Dr K about my anger issues. He seems to be one of the only people I've heard that acknowledges it in a similar way I do. I don't hate my anger. But I hate that I get angry when I get overwhelmed and it makes me lash out and act like an idiot. I never hurt anyone, but I hate that I do it. It's embarassing and it makes people think I am much different than I actually am. My anger stems from being overwhelmed, leading to frustration, then sadness, then depression. It's been my cycle since I was 14. I'm 32 now. I can't believe I haven't been able to fix it and I feel like I never will.
Dr. K, We need an episode diving into expectations and how to manage them. are all expectations bad, are some of them good? how can we investigate our own expectations to tell if they are helping or hurting (specifically in relationships plz).
Id like to see a video about what it means to be unable to feel anger, i've been wronged by many people and despite my treatment i find it hard to actually feel anger. Someone who has treated me very terribly even asked me multiple times if i wasn't angry at her, and even my friends said i should feel anger yet no matter what i can't.
Almost same here, I don't feel "hot" anger, but rather I find myself experiencing "cold" anger. I dont know how to explain it properly but It's like my head has that "mmmmm" a microwave makes lol but I notice my thoughts get very dark when I'm cold angry
For me personally, I struggle with identifying anger in myself because I've spent my whole life trying to ignore and suppress that kind of emotion. Anger as a biological response is as unavoidable as hunger--the sympathetic nervous system is going to sound that anger alarm and your body will respond (for example: faster heartbeat, shallower breathing, rise in temperature). Since those sensations have caused negative outcomes in the past, my conscious mind doesn't want to acknowledge that they exist. I'll get caught up in an avoidance cycle where I keep my brain so busy that it doesn't have time to think about the rest of my body. It can take me a few days of silently seething to notice that I've actually been angry for a while. Once I realize this, it's easier to notice how anger feels in my body--but that doesn't mean the feeling is any more enjoyable. I actually hate the feeling of anger and it's so frustrating in the moment because I don't know how to express that emotion healthily. In the moment, it feels terrible and honestly almost unbearable. But eventually the parasympathetic nervous system kicks into gear, and all those uncomfortable physical sensations go away. The body goes back to equilibrium, and even if I still feel that anger, it usually fades and gets less sharp.
There are people with power who are set up in life such that their anger *can* effectively control other people and many of us have no realistic way to avoid being under the influence of such people, whether because of family obligations or work/financial obligations. In fact, there are whole communities that are formed with such people serving as lynch pins. When you go on living in these communities long enough, eventually the message you get isn't "your anger is inappropriate because it comes from expecting to be able to control people and you don't get to control people," but rather, its "your anger is inappropriate because your're not powerful enough yet, but if you keep working at it then maybe you'll be powerful enough."
This is exactly what my therapist told me when I was 21 years old and told her that I have issues with getting really verbally abusive when I get angry, becasue it is the pattern I learned with my own parents and didn't learn a better way to resolve conflict, she told me to step away from the situation and think about what exactly is going on within me, so that I can understand what exactly my frustration is and put that into more productive words, and since then I've gotten better at this. However, I have been in relationship with men that absolutely do not understand that I need to pull away from a conversation because I feel triggered. I literally tell them all that I have this issue where I become verbally abusive, and they enjoy it that I will apologise for that but never apologise for the same from their end, and I've had more than one guy tell me that I just can't take the heat from the argument. it's so frustrating because in the moment I just kinda hit a wall where I'm just disoriented because from my emotions I'm not able to tell if I've actually said something mean, or if it's just a guy manipulating me, because it all feels the same to me, which is why I need to step away and figure things out for myself before I make it someone elses problem, but then someone just stops me from doing that aswell. Like, this has been such an issue for me. It would be so easy to just say it's the trashy guys I date, but I don't think that mindset will help me improve myself either. Certainly I'm doing something to have gotten myself into that situation more than once.
21:26 Its true. I work as an embedded software engineer (+2 YOE) even though I don’t have formal background in software and electronics. Some people don’t like that I have a nontraditional background for my job. But, it doesn’t what they think because I have a job and I’m being paid to do the work.
I was literally just googling yesterday how to process anger and what the emotion tells us about ourselves (does it make us more honest? are we just more impulsive and less filtered? Where does anger come from? etc.) and here's Dr. K making a video about it lol. I guess I'm part of the "wtf is that timing with the video" club. Great video as always! Wildly informative : )
I remind people when I am in conflict with them, and I need to discuss my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them, that the boundaries are not against them, they are for me and my sanity. I base my boundaries on my top values. That way no one can talk me out of them. I really don’t care if they don’t share my values… They can have whatever values they’d like to have… Yet the truth is that we cannot have true connection and vulnerability and safety in relationship with people with whom we do not share some of the most important values … We will not generally have our needs met in those spaces. We can generally only have surface relationships with people with whom we do not share the majority of values… We can have respect… But we generally cannot be close .
My anger and the anger of people around me is being one of the most common problem I had in my life so thank you infinitely for this video, it was really interesting
Great video, Dr K. I had some childhood trauma, and spent my life carrying around a mountain of undigested emotions. Bout tow years back, I got into mediation and some spiritual stuff that helped me start to process it all. So I've been working my way through it, and made great progress. Tons of fear and pain and anger processed, owned, and put neatly back in place. But anger poses a bit of a conundrum. In just processing it, it has been healthy indeed. Through it, I have found the feeling "I am a person, I have as much right to feelings and needs as any other human being." Yes, I have been very much a doormat. Felt a bit like being in an abusive relationship with, like, humanity in general. I was a bite-my-tounge-and-stew kinda person. So, in one way I made a ton of progress on my anger. But I can't help feeling like sometimes, it's good to actually act on it. I mean, of course it is, especially if you can act on it in a measured way. However, as you say, it can sometimes have unwanted consequences. And I have become so acutely aware of other people's issues. Like, everybody have trauma. And the fact that I am half-decent at "breathing technique"-ing my way out of an anxiety attack make me feel like effin' Superman. Like, maybe better I tank the emotional hit, because I can take it. Anyway, it was good to hear it talked about and get to ponder it. I guess I just felt like sharing. Blessings to you, Doc. May the wind always be at your back when biking, and may you meet a chonky puppy to pet. :)
I've been feeling very angry for most of my life now, and the answers and the questions in this video are really helping me work my way to tone down the anger so i can be more calm and soft. Thank you
To add to the lecture: When it comes to assessing what we deserve, we need to take into account what the other person deserves, too. And do that going by THEIR values, not our own, when it comes to them!! Even then, what Dr.K said applies and is a direct shortcut to concentrating on your own agency within your reality, rather than trying to control things outside our control (even if it's sth. interal) based off an imagined ideal outcome!!
Omg this topic on anger hits so close to home. I remember in my teens I internalized my anger a lot (anger towards bullies at school) and was taught to not react to the bullies verbal insults. I end up holding in so much anger that when I was in my early 20s I lashed out at people around me.
Such an interesting topic. It would be good to also include that sense of privilege that so many people seem to have that makes them think they're entitled to things that they're really not. That then leads to that sense of unrealistic expectations and thwarted desire that can cause so much harm, especially in relationships.
When I self isolate in these situations the difficult part is handling the guilt, especially if you feel the anger is out of balance with the situation. I find it helps to actually acknowledge that you recognize the hyper reaction with the person. It works the other way as well to recognize someone's reaction as perhaps colored by some level of anxiety going on in them. Conversely it isn't helpful to point that out to them until they first communicate to you that they recognize it for themselves. As a parent you want to help and point these things out in the moment. It gets tricky. Nice topic.
I've been pretty much suppressing all my anger for the better half of the last decade because of bullying and gaslighting. From time to time, I get emotional spikes where I am angry at everyone and everything (but I don't take it out on anybody). I kind of feel like I don't even know when I am actually angry or even annoyed because I don't trust my mind and feel like problems are generally my fault anyways. How do people like me learn to recognize their emotions? I feel like that could be a good video topic (although I am only half way through this one, maybe I am getting some thoughts on this throughout)
Thank you for this video, I already watched it twice. I tend to bottle things up and explode, I'm the biggest doormat and it always been really hard for me to set my boundaries with other people
@14:00 This is brilliant because it refocuses the conversation and conflict to goals instead of emotions, and it likely made that belligerent person consider what they were actually trying to achieve through their behavior The doctors wanted peace and that person wanted to get out of there, so helping them realize that it wasn't in their best interest anymore to be belligerent was effective. It was also their decision technically, which avoids them feeling disempowered. That's compassionate communication involving healthy anger, I'm really impressed
This was really helpful, as I've been processing anger recently. Still, when you talked about political or power dynamics outside of our control, I found myself wanting more consideration of interpersonal, and cultural manipulation and gaslighting. We can certainly have unreasonable expectations, but so too we can have reasonable or contextually sensible expectations based on being mislead or emotionally injured. Sadly I see this as super common. Other than unlearning unhelpful thinking, inappropriate expectations and creating healthy boundaries, I don't see good maps to address this, but I would love perspective on the process. I expect this is core to the healing work that perhaps most people have some need of. Thank you for your work 💮
I don't know how to express my thanks to you. your videos are very helpful and now i understand why i get angary every time my team loses a game it's becuz of my expectations and i will do my best to work on them , thanks again
I get the feeling that this position towards anger comes from stoicism. While I completly respect everything that Dr. K says and I can see how this way of approaching anger may be helpful given the context provided, there are some instances in which I think it is appropriate to get angry at people/situations which you cannot control. Dr. K hasn't brought up any instances where a person might experience real, actual injustice and where they'd have to deal with material consequences of that injustice. I feel angry about injustice in the world all the time, from climate change to wealth inequality. My anger is a powerful force that motivates my activism. If I didn't have a healthy outlet for this anger, I know it would turn unhealthy and it has in the past. Although I cannot be sure that any of my actions will ever have an impact on the world, I feel incredibly suspicious of the stoic attitude to anger. Many people have a justified reason to be angry, the solution isn't to try to let go of the anger or to rationalise it away; the solution is to find a healthy outlet. I just thought that this is the one thing that's missing from this video.
My mom is constantly telling me I shouldn't get angry cuz it's focusing on the negatives in life. But what I get angry about is my family abandoning me when I need them, and how badly they treat us. Meanwhile my mom has this false positivity to keep a relationship with them but because they're abusive and don't respect boundaries, she ends up a total doormat. I've tried explaining this so many times that my anger helps me cope and to NOT be a doormat but she doesn't get it.
I put my frustration into a short story that I finished in two days. I'll actually be doing a public reading soon, so it's a motivator under the right conditions.
I've been summoning my anger lately. I went through a period of depression and severe anxiety, I was a mess, and I felt like I was no one. And I let people walk all over me, insult me, etc. Because I was a mess. I couldn't defend myself because, in my mind, I didn't deserve to stand up for myself in any form. My family especially. I've gotten myself back, and I know where I stand and what I won't tolerate. It's tricky to find a more stoic way to process that anger and still get your point across. But I can now see that it's healthy to use that anger in a more calm, assertive way. It will take time, but it's worth it. I've mostly been channeling anger into my workouts, especially when it's pretty bad, and I'm really frustrated 😂. It's the best workout! Also, metal music was always a way I used to feel the anger away from people and let it be and go.
This is a really interesting topic to me. I experience anger just like any other human does but really not that often and it's not an emotion that sticks around long for me. I guess in that sense, it just sort of discharges fairly seamlessly. On the other hand, I have always struggled more with anxiety and low self esteem, depressive moods etc which I have since learnt to deal with enormously well due in part to Dr K and a lot of time and practice. Just goes to show that we are all different and struggle with different things due a multitude of factors.
Thank you for talking about the option to step away. I grew up with a father who had anger issues, and when inevitably there was a fight or argument i would try to step away to calm down and try to express that. Unfortunately i would be followed so now I can kinda see how that has hindered my ability to control my anger. This has really helped a lot, thanks again.
Ah this makes so much sense about the expectations. Trusting in God has helped me so much lately and I think part of that is having less expectations and letting go so that God can take care of the rest. I have felt so angry and foolish. All I had to do was to let go. Amazing.
When I consume content like this I always feel both glad that someone is taking effort to try to understand human patterns and disappointed because of how incomplete, limited, fragmented and cherry-picked our understanding of those patterns is. Like in this video for example, we're pretending like anger directed inwards doesn't exist. I guess it makes me frustrated because I've spent most of my life trying to fix my broken self and all of the science and knowledge continues to fail me to solve my problems, yet for some reason I'm always treated like it's my fault for not internalizing the "cure" rather than admitting that science can't help my case yet because we're still far from truly understanding human psychology.
Trauma therapy goes to the root of healing. It has to be physical work with the nervous system. Somatic Experiencing was the deepest and most integrative therapy I've done. Combined with general physical therapy, the right exercise, is the key to healing.
Hope u have the patience to read this and hope it helps: I mean he has talked about depression being anger turned towards the self before, so i'm guessing since he had to make the video short and concise, it was the available information about anger that was cherry picked during the making of this video(to not make it too long), and it isn't that we don't know a whole lot about anger, including anger that is turned towards the self? I also did see a comment saying somth along the lines of "If depression is anger turned towards the self, does that mean the thwarted expectation is who you are vs what you're supposed to be?" which was interesting Hope things get better for you, i believe in you, you got this. I'm sure if you keep trying you'll figure something out. Even if you're in a bad spot, i hope you can do what you need to do to make the best out of your situation.
At the end of the day, we cannot control what emotions we feel when we are exposed to a stimulus. We can only allow ourselves to feel them, perhaps even express how we feel (with respect) and let them pass. If you are angry, you may even need to diffuse the situation - "When you said____, this has made me angry. I need to have 30 minutes away from you to regulate my emotions. After that, can we come back together to talk about this please?" Such a tricky subject, especially because it's sometimes people closest to us who we inflict our anger upon. Great video Dr K.
Summary: Healthy Anger- Is a response to one's boundaries being violated. Unhealthy Anger- Is a response to perceived entitlements and/or expectations not being met or fulfilled. Anger activates the sympathetic nervous sytem via the Flight/Fight Response. While the FF response is active, we have poorer judgment, and the ability to see nuance or shades of grey in situations presented to us. One of the best ways to exit FF Mode is to slow breathing. Hold breath for 10 seconds, and then breathe deeply. Anger usually involves other people, so excusing yourself and walking away to calm down is a good strategy. "Frustrated" is a word you might use. Chronic Anger is often a result of inappropriate expectations. An example would be having a transactional relationship with someone, in which the expectation of a return on the transaction is not discussed, and then feeling resentment when there is no return.
The thing is, if I’m in an argument and I get heated, sometimes I will try to understand what’s making me angry. When I realize I have inappropriate expectations, it leads to feelings of inferiority rather than relief
Anger can be super helpful! Like in the Honda adverts 'Hate somthing, enough to change something, enough to hate something change something make something betterrrrrr!!". I wish I didn't have alexithymia so I could express the tiniest bit of anger in a well timed "Hey... not cool" instead of feeling it burn then slowly figuring out why, then having to fix the situation when it's already started to escalate.
Healthy anger is towards enemies who hurt your life and systems which oppress. Anger is best used to hone focus and be molded with adrenal response and a goal in order to gain heightened purpose and efficiency. Anger can save your life, or force you to right wrongs. But it's so strong that you shouldn't use it on the spot, especially around or towards others you care about. Only present anger to others in a refined manner, exactly where and when it needs to be directed.
Daaaayum this explains so much. I was wondering why I all of a sudden went into such an angry state of being over the last two weeks. Long story short (it was a bad ti-ime), I had many expectations that were consistently not being met and they were piling up and piling up. I’m glad I have therapy later so I can unpack all of this!
WOW WOW WOW! I just found your channel (I’m not even a gamer) and your explanations and teaching style is phenomenal! Thanks for putting this out there! 👏👏💚
I've noticed that people who pathologize anger will corrupt it. They get angry more easily at a variety of things, many of which are just part of life. They get angry when they suffer or are in pain, but there's nothing that can be done about the situation at the time. I usually only get angry when someone is seriously crossing boundaries, deliberately manipulating or repeatedly making the same demand after I've said no. I'm very concerned about how much emotions are pathologized as a sickness or even immoral. This makes people very sick and weakens your body. You NEED to PURGE the emotion. Express however your body needs to. Or you stay sick and react emotionally to the slightest bump, suffer deeply. And frankly if I can't be myself and be a human being with another person, I can't trust them.
I'm so angry all the time. I get angry about everything, especially at people who I live with, because I think I'm a bit obsessed with the tidiness of my home. And it's not like I'm super pedantic and everything has to be perfectly clean, but I have some really particular expectations about how every part part of the house should be cleaned and arranged and when something is not right I just can't stand it. But at the same time I'm scared of conflicts and arguments so I keep it all inside and never tell people that what I really think so I just explode intro shouting and cursing when I'm alone lol I hate being this way, but I just don't know how to change
The breathing tip is great because of the neurophysiological implications. I've said it a few times but i wish Dr K would go on Andrew Hubermans podcast. Having Huberman and K connect psychological to physiological would be a hell of an episode
I used to have an image of myself as someone who never gets angry. At least I was kinda like that before puberty. Because of that image I've been blaming others for making me angry, not accepting that I've developed an anger issue. Today I have accepted that I've got an anger issue. This video is my first step towards solving it. Wish me a luck.
Another thing to note about anger is that one of its primary functions is to motivate you to act, which is neither good nor bad. It can actually be exactly what you need in certain situations, just like any emotion.
Thank you for this important video!💜 Everyone should learn more about their relationship with anger in healthy way. I'm from Finland but I have been lately very fascinated by Kali and this video reminded me about her. Next year I'm doing BA thesis (cultures&religions degree) and I would like to learn more about how indian feminists view Kali, if she feels more empovering and/or if people see her as a oppressive symbol of patriarchy. I just dont know yet where to begin with this or where to find reliable sources.
I couldn't put a label on my feeling until now.anger. all week it's been anger. I feel so ashamed to just be angry. Because I know it's over inappropriate expectations.
Hi, i didn't understand. When you pissed at your parents, that because you think that you diserve the territory of the room. But you can't claim it if your parents don't allow you to have it in the first place. So being piss off because someone enter your roam can be expectation in a way. Same with relationship. If you are in a couple. How do you know the moment when you expect and the moment its your territory ? How do you know the limits of your territory? And when you were abused, how do you know how much you are allowed to conquer? (Sorry for bad english i hope i am understood)
I get angry when i percieve people as abusing their position of power or not providing the service they claim to provide and bullying/mean girl behaviour.
I did not realize stopping your breathing can help. I used to be quite patient most of the time but since I've gotten depressed (and I have autism too), almost every minute thing makes me annoyed and/or angry and annoyance very quickly evolves into anger now. I have a much, MUCH shorter fuse. Well, I also sleep like crap so that fuels it, too. I will try the breathing thing. A problem I have as well though, is I can hardly move past things. Like, thinking about what made me angry yesterday, or last month, will make me angry all over again. How do you deal with that? For example, someone screws me over and I think back about it a month later and I get angry all over again. Or something dumb like a character dies in a show and I didn't like that at all, it will make me angry again even a year later if I think back about it. Or, game companies that scam people left and right nowadays. Many of my beloved franchises being flushed down the toilet, I can't put myself to playing some games I love just because I get angry when I think about what they have become. Or the news; I get angry all the time with all the bad stuff you see other people do to each other as I just cant understand it. When something has happened and is 'done' and cannot be changed or reacted to differently anymore, why do we still get angry again later? It seems to serve no purpose.
I feel like expectations is sa good way to understand anger, but just as you pointed out people can feel they deserve something without being angry, people can also not expect something and not be angry about it. And they can also expect someone to act a certain way and still be angry about it. I think it has more to do with what people feel they need to be *able* to expect in order to function. They need to feel like their work means something, for example. They need predictability in a certain area.
Unmet expectations leads to disappointment, disappointment leads to bitterness, bitterness leads to anger, anger leads to violence, violence leads to prison. Have realistic expectations peeps. ✌
Actually, l learned to have expectations from my mom. She sacrificed herself then told me: "I don't need anything in return", and then proceeded to hope that I'll take care of her, having family asap after graduation. If I don't, she accused me that I don't love her. She asked why I can't do what she wanted. She asked me if I cared about her dreams... My dad believed that children need to show love to their parents before they show love to their kids (but he didn't do that towards his parents). It's like they want something and then do the other things in the hope that getting what they want. It's frustrating. I learned that pattern and applied to my life. I got frustrated, too. Now, I'm learning to communicate what I want in a straightforward way. No beating around the bush.
I was thinking about this, I feel a lot of anger and I try not to express it because I know that when I express it, I'm scared that I will hurt that person. There have been times when certain situations in the past randomly pop up in my mind and I instantly feel anger.
This is something that I know already because I have had to go through many instances where I had no controll over something that negatively affected me and the people I care about. I started learning about stoicism which is all about this exactly. It helped alot. Even the healthy anger part, I had to learn the hard way and all of what K said here is true. On a different note, when I play League and I do well but my team mate feeds it doesn't really bother me. Because I know that I played well in the part of the game that I had most control over. But also because I have a fat ego, and when someone on my team feeds I get into the mindset of "they fed, but I desserve a higher rank because I am so good I'll win regardless of how bad my team is doing." Then I set the expectations to be me winning even when they play bad, and if I lose, it wasn't unjust, because I expect myself to be good enough to win anyway.
![Eminem - Fuel (feat. JID) [Official Lyric Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/t5H_CewqpKA/mqdefault.jpg)
A tip I learned from a psychiatrist: If you are mad at someone you love to the point you need to leave the room, Tell the person, "I am very upset at you right now, and I can't talk to you. I will talk to you in [x] hours." Then, you don't talk to them until that time has elapsed. However, AFTER that time has elapsed, you HAVE to talk to them at least if to say you need an extension. but the point is to not keep extending time, but to give yourself a time-out and collect your thoughts. this way, you aren't cutting them off completely, and they know that, even if you are mad at them now, you aren't going to ghost them and leave them in the lurch. it gives them time to think as well, and cool off. It also keeps them from feeling like the "bad guy", because often they are not the bad guy, nor are you the bad guy, you just have a disagreement and the PROBLEM is the bad guy.
This works for other emotions/situations as well (and it works for general communication and reässuring others).
And the big problem is when the other side don't understand this and try to keep on pushing that argument, which obviously would only irritate you more. That's essentially what my mother did to my father, when he said he's too angry to talk and go back to his room, she will try to force the argument, standing in front of his door talking non-stop, and that eventually lead to my father losing his mind and resort to violence. It's not until much later that she learned to respect that.
Yep this helps to keep the trust between parties👏
I find this incredibly helpful. Especially to avoid saying awful things we cannot take back. 😬
Okay and what happens when you try that method and they gaslight you into staying because you’ll cause them to feel abandoned and because they always want to “solve” things instantly but don’t even listen to you they just want to spew out all their feelings onto you.
@@mannysequeira1182
Well, the point is to keep your word. Keep that boundary, and when the allotted time is up, you then talk to them again. You have to be decisive and hold your ground, and (just as importantly) keep your word.
If someone starts to try to gaslight you while doing this, write down the time on a piece of paper. Then, if they try to keep arguing with before the time is up, point to the paper.
I always repress my anger and either I act passive-aggressive or explode on the poor soul that triggers me. I always feel bad for even experiencing anger in the first place towards others because I don't want to be a hateful person and I don't know how to regulate it.
Yep that’s me lol.
well boy do i have the video for you
Attachment theory addresses boundary issues. Figuring out what mine are, not assuming others have the same ones, and communicating about boundaries effectively solved so many hang ups for me that spiraled out of this issue. It wasn’t obvious to me how it all related because I had really unhealthy modeling growing up. I’m now more of a problem solver than conflict avoidant.
Short answer: see if you can assert yourself more and demonstrate boundaries healthily and tactfully. You shouldn't have to repress your emotions constantly, and if you do, you're probably in a bad workplace/family situation/friend group etc.
The best way to regulate it is to accept it and feel it more clearly.
I haven't watched this video yet, but Dr. K always says that emotions are something that happen to you, not something you are. So let the angry feelings come up when they do, but don't blame yourself for them.
It takes a while for your brain to start to understand that feelings of anger aren't themselves dangerous (and so it'll let you control/express anger more appropriately), so have some patience with yourself.
But if you're already aware of your passive-aggression/explosion tendencies, you're in a good spot. Keep going!
I would love a series on how to healthily regulate common emotions. Right now I struggle with Envy as I seem to always feel bad about myself or hateful that someone else has things that I desire.
Sounds a lot like being angry about having your expectations violated!
I agree that would be amazing! So so so damn cool if that's a thing that could happen
I hope someone from hg sees this comment and it gets considered
@person1894Y49 Not to judge, just an observation, that does sound like deflection rather than solving the issue of envy. Instead of healthily processing the envy you're just deferring it.
@@personY-wg7dyalso if someone puts you down the negativety comes from them, not you. It may have nothing to do with you.
What you said at 12:35 sometimes doesn't work, depending on the person you're arguing with. My mother is an example. If you tell her that you would like to step away from the conversation because you're feeling frustrated, she will physically follow you to wherever you decide to go calm yourself down and just double down on everything she said that made you angry or frustrated in the first place and even try to make you feel guilty in the process for getting angry. She's usually the first one to raise her voice at people or make sarcastic and judgmental comments, yet expresses feelings of indignation when someone responds to her aggressive behaviour with anger.
Sounds like a narcissist. Sorry you have to go through that.
Sounds hella toxic. Just try to avoid things with her as much as you can until you can permanently, or at least until she’ll listen and discuss things reasonably.
Someone like that uses like the phrase "talking back" on you whenever you do that or say (that) what they say "isn't what" or "like what" you do. They say "Are you talking back to me?" and try to do something out of rage.
And even "arguing" feels better than how they talk about "talking back".
First off, I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. When I read your comment about her physically following you, my heart sank. Can I ask what are situations in which she does give you space? If you’re an adult, I’d suggest literally leaving for a walk or drive. If you are still a teenager or for any reason unable to get the space you need, do you have other adults you can confide in? Most important thing is your safety.
Someone with narcissistic tendencies is often taken aback by people who are able to hold themselves accountable.
You might be able to shift the momentum by focusing on things you can take responsibility for “I hear what you’re saying and I want to be respectful of your wishes, can I have time to reflect on my action/behavior?” Just to buy yourself some time until you feel safe. Once she calms down, you can try approaching the topic again if it’s important. Maybe ask her questions to better understand what causes her to act so aggressively. Frame it in a way that makes her feel respected and heard instead of trying to counter or correct her. Want to reiterate what Dr. K said - NOT because you deserve being treated that way, but you have come to expect it unfortunately. Hopefully you can then gain some insight to better navigate the situation. Terrible when you are literally born into a toxic environment.
You and me both buddy, bring it in 🫂
As 'depression is anger turned towards the self', is depression then a thwarted expectation of who you are and what you do ?
That's a great way to represent it. Not every case of depression but many cases fall under that definition I would say.
That description resonates with me a bit
not always. sometimes you can get depressed from things that have nothing to do with you
it often times can be
Sometimes it can be represented as expecting too much too quickly, I seem to have a bad habit of expecting exactly what I want within the next 10-15 seconds.
I think putting in ‘not enough’ steps to get to your goals tends to help me the most, especially when looking at things in the long run.
I live in South Korea, a country that culturally represses any sort of negative emotion for the sake of reputation. This has led to a localized mental disease called "Hwabyeong" (화병). People with this disease are often elderly who have spent an entire life of unfairness, pushed down from others who are higher in the hierarchy system, yet unable to complain about it. This leads to a mind break where the individual is unable to confront his anger as a result of conditions that he perceives to be unfair.
It can be so demoralizing to be afraid of your own anger, so much so you can fall into depression and end up becoming passive aggressive all the time. Thanks to DBT and videos like this I am much less afraid of becoming angry. Now I can rely on myself to ride that wave and learn from it to make better changes in my life.
sadness is anger to inwards... anger is sadness to outwards
I know the feeling, when I was a kid/teenager I only knew how to express my anger physically, so by the time i got to adulthood I would just freeze up because I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I would actually really hope people would give me enough justification for me to be physical but it rarely happened. Things got better when I finally started learning to speak my anger. The vast majority of the time people handle it well and may even apologize if you express yourself maturely. It’s still tough sometimes when people go way over the line and I just want to hurt them physically but i don’t want to get fired/sued/arrested… but I also learned to simply use “flight” instead of “fight” sometimes. It’s actually in some ways more effective. If you’ve ever had someone walk away from you or avoid you, it feels pretty terrible.
Dr. K killed it once again with another great lecture on emotions! Definitely took a lot of notes during this video ✍
Hi Dr. K, I almost never comment, but I wanted to let you know that this video helped me a ton. It actually made me start seeing a therapist and realize that many problems, including that always-present amount of irritation, was actually anger.
I've struggled with anger issues all my life, I needed this video.
Embracing anger got me out of my depression. But I also said some things I regretted and almost got depressed again over it 😅😂
I’m in the same situation👍
same here
I am recovering “nice” guy(which is just another term for spineless coward) under the guise of stoicism and turning the other cheek. I was raised this way(but I take responsibility) before I discovered how miserable I made me and others around me feel. I would get mad but smile it off so I don’t seem toxic(the irony). I repressed my emotions for so long that I suspect it’s one the causes of my cancer.
I have learned to express myself even it means I’ll end up alone.
Edit: thanks guys. This initial comment was to share my experience and I see others feel the same
Hey there, fellow stranger. I'd say that describing yourself as a spineless coward is so harsh... Perhaps that was the way you learned to interact in the world because you were afraid of being rejected and at the same time craving human connections. You deserve compassion, especially from you.
It takes a lot of courage to express remorse for past behaviour, I dont think you're a coward
This sounds like me
Being a stoic doesn't mean you stop feeling all your emotions or bottling them up it's being able to take in all emotions good and bad and evaluating them appropriately truly kind people are strong because they choose to be
You deserve better than to talk down to yourself
I am the same way. I still struggle to express all of my emotions to this day at 26 years old, but getting better at it.
I've always been hot tempered and as a kid and teenager I used to be much more aggressive. Eventually I realized that's not socially acceptable and that I would have to control it if I wanted to move forward in life as an adult.
I've gotten relatively good at controlling myself and not expressing the unjustified anger that I still often feel.
The problem now is that now, when I am JUSTIFIABLY angry, I find it somewhat hard to unleash it and become forceful as I should!
Dear Mr. K, I'm not sure whether this reaches you but I would like to express my gratitude. Thank you so much.
I get angry when I'm lied to and ignored. I'm relentlessly honest with people and I expect them to be honest with me, because I don't believe anyone has an excuse to lie, barring life threatening situations. The emotions I feel are more than just anger though. There's a deep sense of grief and humiliation that comes with it too, because lies destroy my friendships and I'm dumb enough to believe them. I believe I'm owed an apology for being lied to, and often I'm told to just shut up and drop it. It leaves me feeling betrayed by the people I trusted without a sense of closure, a feeling that gets worse with time, not better.
I tried to fit to my ex’s bipolar disorder as best as a I could. He used his knowledge of my abandonment issues to insult and ghost me for maximum ouchies 😅
@@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow
I am angry on your behalf...
I feel just like you ... too many of my "friends" lie so much. It's gotten to the point where I get very very angry just thinking about it. At least I've gotten very good at detecting lies.
The breathing strategy is superb👌
Thank you for another banger upload.
Also, I like how Alok ties the importance of maintaining healthy expectations into the freeing of brain space and the freedom that this gives in return.
❤❤❤
Banger anger upload
Time stamp?
10:46!
❤
@@thebigyeeter4282
I wish so badly that I could talk to Dr K about my anger issues. He seems to be one of the only people I've heard that acknowledges it in a similar way I do. I don't hate my anger. But I hate that I get angry when I get overwhelmed and it makes me lash out and act like an idiot. I never hurt anyone, but I hate that I do it. It's embarassing and it makes people think I am much different than I actually am. My anger stems from being overwhelmed, leading to frustration, then sadness, then depression. It's been my cycle since I was 14. I'm 32 now. I can't believe I haven't been able to fix it and I feel like I never will.
Dr. K, We need an episode diving into expectations and how to manage them. are all expectations bad, are some of them good? how can we investigate our own expectations to tell if they are helping or hurting (specifically in relationships plz).
What happens if you try to answer your own question? Are all expectations bad, or can some expectations be helpful? What do you think?
Id like to see a video about what it means to be unable to feel anger, i've been wronged by many people and despite my treatment i find it hard to actually feel anger. Someone who has treated me very terribly even asked me multiple times if i wasn't angry at her, and even my friends said i should feel anger yet no matter what i can't.
Almost same here, I don't feel "hot" anger, but rather I find myself experiencing "cold" anger.
I dont know how to explain it properly but It's like my head has that "mmmmm" a microwave makes lol
but I notice my thoughts get very dark when I'm cold angry
For me personally, I struggle with identifying anger in myself because I've spent my whole life trying to ignore and suppress that kind of emotion. Anger as a biological response is as unavoidable as hunger--the sympathetic nervous system is going to sound that anger alarm and your body will respond (for example: faster heartbeat, shallower breathing, rise in temperature). Since those sensations have caused negative outcomes in the past, my conscious mind doesn't want to acknowledge that they exist. I'll get caught up in an avoidance cycle where I keep my brain so busy that it doesn't have time to think about the rest of my body. It can take me a few days of silently seething to notice that I've actually been angry for a while. Once I realize this, it's easier to notice how anger feels in my body--but that doesn't mean the feeling is any more enjoyable. I actually hate the feeling of anger and it's so frustrating in the moment because I don't know how to express that emotion healthily. In the moment, it feels terrible and honestly almost unbearable.
But eventually the parasympathetic nervous system kicks into gear, and all those uncomfortable physical sensations go away. The body goes back to equilibrium, and even if I still feel that anger, it usually fades and gets less sharp.
I don't get angry I get frustrated.
@@NiceRedNinja How do you tell the difference?
@@kynahorten6367 Frustrated is a slow, steady response while angry is quick and aggressive.
There are people with power who are set up in life such that their anger *can* effectively control other people and many of us have no realistic way to avoid being under the influence of such people, whether because of family obligations or work/financial obligations. In fact, there are whole communities that are formed with such people serving as lynch pins. When you go on living in these communities long enough, eventually the message you get isn't "your anger is inappropriate because it comes from expecting to be able to control people and you don't get to control people," but rather, its "your anger is inappropriate because your're not powerful enough yet, but if you keep working at it then maybe you'll be powerful enough."
This is exactly what my therapist told me when I was 21 years old and told her that I have issues with getting really verbally abusive when I get angry, becasue it is the pattern I learned with my own parents and didn't learn a better way to resolve conflict, she told me to step away from the situation and think about what exactly is going on within me, so that I can understand what exactly my frustration is and put that into more productive words, and since then I've gotten better at this.
However, I have been in relationship with men that absolutely do not understand that I need to pull away from a conversation because I feel triggered. I literally tell them all that I have this issue where I become verbally abusive, and they enjoy it that I will apologise for that but never apologise for the same from their end, and I've had more than one guy tell me that I just can't take the heat from the argument.
it's so frustrating because in the moment I just kinda hit a wall where I'm just disoriented because from my emotions I'm not able to tell if I've actually said something mean, or if it's just a guy manipulating me, because it all feels the same to me, which is why I need to step away and figure things out for myself before I make it someone elses problem, but then someone just stops me from doing that aswell.
Like, this has been such an issue for me. It would be so easy to just say it's the trashy guys I date, but I don't think that mindset will help me improve myself either. Certainly I'm doing something to have gotten myself into that situation more than once.
21:26 Its true. I work as an embedded software engineer (+2 YOE) even though I don’t have formal background in software and electronics. Some people don’t like that I have a nontraditional background for my job. But, it doesn’t what they think because I have a job and I’m being paid to do the work.
Yo,Thanks a lot. I was literally searching your channel with the term "anger". I found 2 videos but this one is even more helpful.
I was literally just googling yesterday how to process anger and what the emotion tells us about ourselves (does it make us more honest? are we just more impulsive and less filtered? Where does anger come from? etc.) and here's Dr. K making a video about it lol. I guess I'm part of the "wtf is that timing with the video" club.
Great video as always! Wildly informative : )
"Anger isn't a bug, it's a feature." I love this, genuinely.
I remind people when I am in conflict with them, and I need to discuss my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them, that the boundaries are not against them, they are for me and my sanity.
I base my boundaries on my top values.
That way no one can talk me out of them.
I really don’t care if they don’t share my values… They can have whatever values they’d like to have… Yet the truth is that we cannot have true connection and vulnerability and safety in relationship with people with whom we do not share some of the most important values … We will not generally have our needs met in those spaces.
We can generally only have surface relationships with people with whom we do not share the majority of values… We can have respect… But we generally cannot be close .
My anger and the anger of people around me is being one of the most common problem I had in my life so thank you infinitely for this video, it was really interesting
Great video, Dr K.
I had some childhood trauma, and spent my life carrying around a mountain of undigested emotions. Bout tow years back, I got into mediation and some spiritual stuff that helped me start to process it all.
So I've been working my way through it, and made great progress. Tons of fear and pain and anger processed, owned, and put neatly back in place.
But anger poses a bit of a conundrum. In just processing it, it has been healthy indeed. Through it, I have found the feeling "I am a person, I have as much right to feelings and needs as any other human being."
Yes, I have been very much a doormat. Felt a bit like being in an abusive relationship with, like, humanity in general. I was a bite-my-tounge-and-stew kinda person.
So, in one way I made a ton of progress on my anger.
But I can't help feeling like sometimes, it's good to actually act on it. I mean, of course it is, especially if you can act on it in a measured way. However, as you say, it can sometimes have unwanted consequences.
And I have become so acutely aware of other people's issues. Like, everybody have trauma. And the fact that I am half-decent at "breathing technique"-ing my way out of an anxiety attack make me feel like effin' Superman. Like, maybe better I tank the emotional hit, because I can take it.
Anyway, it was good to hear it talked about and get to ponder it. I guess I just felt like sharing.
Blessings to you, Doc. May the wind always be at your back when biking, and may you meet a chonky puppy to pet. :)
This is something that needs to be taught to kids, because most of us never did learn how to handle it.
I've been feeling very angry for most of my life now, and the answers and the questions in this video are really helping me work my way to tone down the anger so i can be more calm and soft. Thank you
To add to the lecture: When it comes to assessing what we deserve, we need to take into account what the other person deserves, too. And do that going by THEIR values, not our own, when it comes to them!!
Even then, what Dr.K said applies and is a direct shortcut to concentrating on your own agency within your reality, rather than trying to control things outside our control (even if it's sth. interal) based off an imagined ideal outcome!!
Omg this topic on anger hits so close to home. I remember in my teens I internalized my anger a lot (anger towards bullies at school) and was taught to not react to the bullies verbal insults. I end up holding in so much anger that when I was in my early 20s I lashed out at people around me.
Such an interesting topic. It would be good to also include that sense of privilege that so many people seem to have that makes them think they're entitled to things that they're really not. That then leads to that sense of unrealistic expectations and thwarted desire that can cause so much harm, especially in relationships.
When I self isolate in these situations the difficult part is handling the guilt, especially if you feel the anger is out of balance with the situation. I find it helps to actually acknowledge that you recognize the hyper reaction with the person. It works the other way as well to recognize someone's reaction as perhaps colored by some level of anxiety going on in them. Conversely it isn't helpful to point that out to them until they first communicate to you that they recognize it for themselves. As a parent you want to help and point these things out in the moment. It gets tricky. Nice topic.
I've been pretty much suppressing all my anger for the better half of the last decade because of bullying and gaslighting. From time to time, I get emotional spikes where I am angry at everyone and everything (but I don't take it out on anybody). I kind of feel like I don't even know when I am actually angry or even annoyed because I don't trust my mind and feel like problems are generally my fault anyways. How do people like me learn to recognize their emotions? I feel like that could be a good video topic (although I am only half way through this one, maybe I am getting some thoughts on this throughout)
This video couldn't have come at a better time. Im in early sobriety and my emotions are all over the place. Thanks
"Why do we get angry in the first place?"
>ad plays
WHY DO YOU THINK DR. K?
Thank you for this video, I already watched it twice. I tend to bottle things up and explode, I'm the biggest doormat and it always been really hard for me to set my boundaries with other people
@14:00
This is brilliant because it refocuses the conversation and conflict to goals instead of emotions, and it likely made that belligerent person consider what they were actually trying to achieve through their behavior
The doctors wanted peace and that person wanted to get out of there, so helping them realize that it wasn't in their best interest anymore to be belligerent was effective. It was also their decision technically, which avoids them feeling disempowered. That's compassionate communication involving healthy anger, I'm really impressed
This was really helpful, as I've been processing anger recently. Still, when you talked about political or power dynamics outside of our control, I found myself wanting more consideration of interpersonal, and cultural manipulation and gaslighting.
We can certainly have unreasonable expectations, but so too we can have reasonable or contextually sensible expectations based on being mislead or emotionally injured. Sadly I see this as super common.
Other than unlearning unhelpful thinking, inappropriate expectations and creating healthy boundaries, I don't see good maps to address this, but I would love perspective on the process. I expect this is core to the healing work that perhaps most people have some need of.
Thank you for your work 💮
I don't know how to express my thanks to you. your videos are very helpful and now i understand why i get angary every time my team loses a game it's becuz of my expectations and i will do my best to work on them , thanks again
I get the feeling that this position towards anger comes from stoicism. While I completly respect everything that Dr. K says and I can see how this way of approaching anger may be helpful given the context provided, there are some instances in which I think it is appropriate to get angry at people/situations which you cannot control. Dr. K hasn't brought up any instances where a person might experience real, actual injustice and where they'd have to deal with material consequences of that injustice. I feel angry about injustice in the world all the time, from climate change to wealth inequality. My anger is a powerful force that motivates my activism. If I didn't have a healthy outlet for this anger, I know it would turn unhealthy and it has in the past. Although I cannot be sure that any of my actions will ever have an impact on the world, I feel incredibly suspicious of the stoic attitude to anger. Many people have a justified reason to be angry, the solution isn't to try to let go of the anger or to rationalise it away; the solution is to find a healthy outlet. I just thought that this is the one thing that's missing from this video.
My mom is constantly telling me I shouldn't get angry cuz it's focusing on the negatives in life. But what I get angry about is my family abandoning me when I need them, and how badly they treat us. Meanwhile my mom has this false positivity to keep a relationship with them but because they're abusive and don't respect boundaries, she ends up a total doormat. I've tried explaining this so many times that my anger helps me cope and to NOT be a doormat but she doesn't get it.
I struggle with feeling guilt about my anger. I try to remind myself that all feelings are allowed, even if not all actions/ behaviors are.
This was really brilliant!!! So clear and practical❤❤
We need more people with this types of videos and objectives.
I'm so happy that Dr. K exists in this world :)
I try not to get wrapped up in it but i realize it is a natural human thing. Suppressing all anger is superhuman.
I put my frustration into a short story that I finished in two days. I'll actually be doing a public reading soon, so it's a motivator under the right conditions.
Thank you therapist gamer man! I will show this passive aggressively to everyone I have an issue with!
I've been summoning my anger lately. I went through a period of depression and severe anxiety, I was a mess, and I felt like I was no one. And I let people walk all over me, insult me, etc. Because I was a mess. I couldn't defend myself because, in my mind, I didn't deserve to stand up for myself in any form. My family especially. I've gotten myself back, and I know where I stand and what I won't tolerate. It's tricky to find a more stoic way to process that anger and still get your point across. But I can now see that it's healthy to use that anger in a more calm, assertive way. It will take time, but it's worth it. I've mostly been channeling anger into my workouts, especially when it's pretty bad, and I'm really frustrated 😂. It's the best workout! Also, metal music was always a way I used to feel the anger away from people and let it be and go.
This is a really interesting topic to me. I experience anger just like any other human does but really not that often and it's not an emotion that sticks around long for me. I guess in that sense, it just sort of discharges fairly seamlessly.
On the other hand, I have always struggled more with anxiety and low self esteem, depressive moods etc which I have since learnt to deal with enormously well due in part to Dr K and a lot of time and practice.
Just goes to show that we are all different and struggle with different things due a multitude of factors.
Thank you for talking about the option to step away. I grew up with a father who had anger issues, and when inevitably there was a fight or argument i would try to step away to calm down and try to express that. Unfortunately i would be followed so now I can kinda see how that has hindered my ability to control my anger. This has really helped a lot, thanks again.
Ah this makes so much sense about the expectations. Trusting in God has helped me so much lately and I think part of that is having less expectations and letting go so that God can take care of the rest. I have felt so angry and foolish. All I had to do was to let go. Amazing.
what an amazing video. thank you!
When I consume content like this I always feel both glad that someone is taking effort to try to understand human patterns and disappointed because of how incomplete, limited, fragmented and cherry-picked our understanding of those patterns is. Like in this video for example, we're pretending like anger directed inwards doesn't exist.
I guess it makes me frustrated because I've spent most of my life trying to fix my broken self and all of the science and knowledge continues to fail me to solve my problems, yet for some reason I'm always treated like it's my fault for not internalizing the "cure" rather than admitting that science can't help my case yet because we're still far from truly understanding human psychology.
Trauma therapy goes to the root of healing. It has to be physical work with the nervous system. Somatic Experiencing was the deepest and most integrative therapy I've done. Combined with general physical therapy, the right exercise, is the key to healing.
Hope u have the patience to read this and hope it helps:
I mean he has talked about depression being anger turned towards the self before, so i'm guessing since he had to make the video short and concise, it was the available information about anger that was cherry picked during the making of this video(to not make it too long), and it isn't that we don't know a whole lot about anger, including anger that is turned towards the self?
I also did see a comment saying somth along the lines of "If depression is anger turned towards the self, does that mean the thwarted expectation is who you are vs what you're supposed to be?" which was interesting
Hope things get better for you, i believe in you, you got this. I'm sure if you keep trying you'll figure something out. Even if you're in a bad spot, i hope you can do what you need to do to make the best out of your situation.
I needed this so much. Thank you Dr. K!
At the end of the day, we cannot control what emotions we feel when we are exposed to a stimulus. We can only allow ourselves to feel them, perhaps even express how we feel (with respect) and let them pass. If you are angry, you may even need to diffuse the situation - "When you said____, this has made me angry. I need to have 30 minutes away from you to regulate my emotions. After that, can we come back together to talk about this please?"
Such a tricky subject, especially because it's sometimes people closest to us who we inflict our anger upon.
Great video Dr K.
Summary:
Healthy Anger- Is a response to one's boundaries being violated.
Unhealthy Anger- Is a response to perceived entitlements and/or expectations not being met or fulfilled.
Anger activates the sympathetic nervous sytem via the Flight/Fight Response.
While the FF response is active, we have poorer judgment, and the ability to see nuance or shades of grey in situations presented to us.
One of the best ways to exit FF Mode is to slow breathing. Hold breath for 10 seconds, and then breathe deeply.
Anger usually involves other people, so excusing yourself and walking away to calm down is a good strategy. "Frustrated" is a word you might use.
Chronic Anger is often a result of inappropriate expectations. An example would be having a transactional relationship with someone, in which the expectation of a return on the transaction is not discussed, and then feeling resentment when there is no return.
The thing is, if I’m in an argument and I get heated, sometimes I will try to understand what’s making me angry. When I realize I have inappropriate expectations, it leads to feelings of inferiority rather than relief
Perfect time to put this out. Todays one of those ones.
Anger can be super helpful! Like in the Honda adverts 'Hate somthing, enough to change something, enough to hate something change something make something betterrrrrr!!". I wish I didn't have alexithymia so I could express the tiniest bit of anger in a well timed "Hey... not cool" instead of feeling it burn then slowly figuring out why, then having to fix the situation when it's already started to escalate.
Such a useful video. Relatable situations and impactful information.
Healthy anger is towards enemies who hurt your life and systems which oppress. Anger is best used to hone focus and be molded with adrenal response and a goal in order to gain heightened purpose and efficiency.
Anger can save your life, or force you to right wrongs. But it's so strong that you shouldn't use it on the spot, especially around or towards others you care about. Only present anger to others in a refined manner, exactly where and when it needs to be directed.
Daaaayum this explains so much. I was wondering why I all of a sudden went into such an angry state of being over the last two weeks. Long story short (it was a bad ti-ime), I had many expectations that were consistently not being met and they were piling up and piling up. I’m glad I have therapy later so I can unpack all of this!
Thank you so much for this video ❤
WOW WOW WOW! I just found your channel (I’m not even a gamer) and your explanations and teaching style is phenomenal! Thanks for putting this out there! 👏👏💚
I've noticed that people who pathologize anger will corrupt it. They get angry more easily at a variety of things, many of which are just part of life. They get angry when they suffer or are in pain, but there's nothing that can be done about the situation at the time. I usually only get angry when someone is seriously crossing boundaries, deliberately manipulating or repeatedly making the same demand after I've said no.
I'm very concerned about how much emotions are pathologized as a sickness or even immoral. This makes people very sick and weakens your body. You NEED to PURGE the emotion. Express however your body needs to. Or you stay sick and react emotionally to the slightest bump, suffer deeply. And frankly if I can't be myself and be a human being with another person, I can't trust them.
Just because you deserve something doesn't mean you should expect it. Key idea right here.
I'm so angry all the time. I get angry about everything, especially at people who I live with, because I think I'm a bit obsessed with the tidiness of my home. And it's not like I'm super pedantic and everything has to be perfectly clean, but I have some really particular expectations about how every part part of the house should be cleaned and arranged and when something is not right I just can't stand it. But at the same time I'm scared of conflicts and arguments so I keep it all inside and never tell people that what I really think so I just explode intro shouting and cursing when I'm alone lol
I hate being this way, but I just don't know how to change
The breathing tip is great because of the neurophysiological implications. I've said it a few times but i wish Dr K would go on Andrew Hubermans podcast. Having Huberman and K connect psychological to physiological would be a hell of an episode
I used to have an image of myself as someone who never gets angry. At least I was kinda like that before puberty. Because of that image I've been blaming others for making me angry, not accepting that I've developed an anger issue.
Today I have accepted that I've got an anger issue. This video is my first step towards solving it. Wish me a luck.
Another thing to note about anger is that one of its primary functions is to motivate you to act, which is neither good nor bad. It can actually be exactly what you need in certain situations, just like any emotion.
Thank you for this important video!💜 Everyone should learn more about their relationship with anger in healthy way.
I'm from Finland but I have been lately very fascinated by Kali and this video reminded me about her. Next year I'm doing BA thesis (cultures&religions degree) and I would like to learn more about how indian feminists view Kali, if she feels more empovering and/or if people see her as a oppressive symbol of patriarchy. I just dont know yet where to begin with this or where to find reliable sources.
Great informative video.
Really well structured. From understanding it, to what we can do to channel it.
I got angry, because when I press space bar and haven't focused the "video"-container, it just scrolls down (and doesn't pause the video)
I couldn't put a label on my feeling until now.anger. all week it's been anger. I feel so ashamed to just be angry. Because I know it's over inappropriate expectations.
Thank you Dr.K
I really like the concept of Expectations and Territory. I'm gonna have to chew on this !
This was awesome. A very simple genetic based explanation of how to behave culturally appropriate
Hi, i didn't understand. When you pissed at your parents, that because you think that you diserve the territory of the room. But you can't claim it if your parents don't allow you to have it in the first place. So being piss off because someone enter your roam can be expectation in a way. Same with relationship. If you are in a couple. How do you know the moment when you expect and the moment its your territory ? How do you know the limits of your territory? And when you were abused, how do you know how much you are allowed to conquer? (Sorry for bad english i hope i am understood)
Love your videos, Dr. K! The topics you bring up always spark great conversations amongst your viewers.
Thanks!
Production quality has been increased. noice!
wow thank you!
Thank you for making this
I get angry when i percieve people as abusing their position of power or not providing the service they claim to provide and bullying/mean girl behaviour.
WTF i watched your older VIdeo about anger like 2 times yesterday to let it sink in. Now you make a new one? What the hell, how do you do dis?
lots of social insight on his part, bit of filling in the gaps on your part
I did not realize stopping your breathing can help. I used to be quite patient most of the time but since I've gotten depressed (and I have autism too), almost every minute thing makes me annoyed and/or angry and annoyance very quickly evolves into anger now. I have a much, MUCH shorter fuse. Well, I also sleep like crap so that fuels it, too.
I will try the breathing thing. A problem I have as well though, is I can hardly move past things. Like, thinking about what made me angry yesterday, or last month, will make me angry all over again. How do you deal with that?
For example, someone screws me over and I think back about it a month later and I get angry all over again.
Or something dumb like a character dies in a show and I didn't like that at all, it will make me angry again even a year later if I think back about it.
Or, game companies that scam people left and right nowadays. Many of my beloved franchises being flushed down the toilet, I can't put myself to playing some games I love just because I get angry when I think about what they have become.
Or the news; I get angry all the time with all the bad stuff you see other people do to each other as I just cant understand it.
When something has happened and is 'done' and cannot be changed or reacted to differently anymore, why do we still get angry again later? It seems to serve no purpose.
This is super helpful.
Danke!
The irony here is that territory and expectations are one and the same thing, so it's not that simple differentiating good anger from bad anger.
Dr K, will you be able to make a video about healthy expectations? I'd really appreciate it if you could.
I feel like expectations is sa good way to understand anger, but just as you pointed out people can feel they deserve something without being angry, people can also not expect something and not be angry about it. And they can also expect someone to act a certain way and still be angry about it. I think it has more to do with what people feel they need to be *able* to expect in order to function. They need to feel like their work means something, for example. They need predictability in a certain area.
Masterful Explanation
I argue not because I want to be right but because I don’t want my loved ones to be wrong
Unmet expectations leads to disappointment, disappointment leads to bitterness, bitterness leads to anger, anger leads to violence, violence leads to prison. Have realistic expectations peeps. ✌
Actually, l learned to have expectations from my mom. She sacrificed herself then told me: "I don't need anything in return", and then proceeded to hope that I'll take care of her, having family asap after graduation. If I don't, she accused me that I don't love her. She asked why I can't do what she wanted. She asked me if I cared about her dreams... My dad believed that children need to show love to their parents before they show love to their kids (but he didn't do that towards his parents). It's like they want something and then do the other things in the hope that getting what they want. It's frustrating. I learned that pattern and applied to my life. I got frustrated, too. Now, I'm learning to communicate what I want in a straightforward way. No beating around the bush.
I was thinking about this, I feel a lot of anger and I try not to express it because I know that when I express it, I'm scared that I will hurt that person. There have been times when certain situations in the past randomly pop up in my mind and I instantly feel anger.
This is something that I know already because I have had to go through many instances where I had no controll over something that negatively affected me and the people I care about. I started learning about stoicism which is all about this exactly. It helped alot. Even the healthy anger part, I had to learn the hard way and all of what K said here is true.
On a different note, when I play League and I do well but my team mate feeds it doesn't really bother me. Because I know that I played well in the part of the game that I had most control over. But also because I have a fat ego, and when someone on my team feeds I get into the mindset of "they fed, but I desserve a higher rank because I am so good I'll win regardless of how bad my team is doing." Then I set the expectations to be me winning even when they play bad, and if I lose, it wasn't unjust, because I expect myself to be good enough to win anyway.