Letting Go Of Past Shame And Regret
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 1 май 2024
- Past mistake, failures, choices, circumstances may be haunting you right now. Things you desperately wish you could forget - but know you probably never will.
You can't change any of this. But the regrets you feel about things you've done or things that have happened to you can hold you back in an entirely different way.
I'm going to show you how you (inadvertently) turn your guilt into shame and how that effects your life.
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @drscotteilers
Get Practical tools for navigating life with depression and anxiety, delivered weekly.
mailchi.mp/90ccaf44c876/self-...
My book: For When Everything is Burning
bit.ly/forwheneverythingisbur...
Organize your day around your mental health goals with Sunsama
bit.ly/DrScottSunsama (affiliate link)
Mood Bloom games for depression and anxiety:
iOS:
apps.apple.com/il/app/mood-bl...
(I have partnered with this brand)
Android:
play.google.com/store/apps/de...
The app I use to learn core principles from thousands of nonfiction books in minutes
shortform.com/drscott (affiliate link)
Connect with me on TikTok:
/ dr.scott.eilers
Therapy with me (Iowa residents only)
www.northstarpsychcenter.com/
Work with me (Non-Iowa residents)
www.drscotteilers.com/
Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.
But I do care.
#guilt #shame #regret #regrets
Guilt=I did something bad. Shame=I am bad
Thanks for that, it's such an easy way to remember the difference between the two and separate the differences.😊
Excellent summary
both
I grew up hearing,"You should be ashamed of yourself." I suffer guilt over everything. Nothing makes a difference anymore. Just what is.
As a kid I heard that almost daily. Mostly about things I had no control over.
@@alexiswinter6948 I'm sorry you experienced that.
Ain't spontaneous recall great. Calling up those bad memories with no prompting. My mind has a mind of its own.
You can't stop the thoughts but you can choose how you deal with them.
I am ashamed of having emotional problems, STILL, at 69.
Me too. 67. But it is just so normal! It's being human 😢
Don't be ashamed for that! It's not a matter of age.
When I was younger I used to think that when I grew older I would be much wiser. Now I feel like it's not fair, where is all the wisdom and enlightment? 😅
@@CeliaMaria-lo8cx Don't sell ya self short , humans aren't that smart . They more or less just monkeys . A fcking parrot can speak English , a chimp can do basic tasks humans can also .
I hope you have a good day today 🌹
I live in a small town in which the hospital system says, “We don’t do that here,” when you when you ask for a diagnosis for suspected life-long problems. So here I am in middle age. But that statement alone alleviated much of my shame, since they were already treating me for the stuff they couldn’t diagnose, because that’s the evidence that society (read: other people) is certainly not better or more capable than I am…so why be ashamed?
Make sure you talk to someone who Is ACTUALLY compassionate… there are people who will actually use your vulnerability against you. Beware of those things. People need to EARN the right to your vulnerability. Otherwise it can do more harm than good… I wish you told it in the video
100%
Excellent point. I have an experience that proves your point. Your point is extremely important.
Another video of his that hits home to me. Every day my brain reminds me of my poor choices, shortcomings etc in the past. Every day it pulls me down. It shows me the faces of those I wronged, those bullies I cowered from, the situations I failed. Its torture. I think much of it is my brain’s way of keeping me alert to possible threats (even though the things all happened 15+ years ago).
Prior to my ADHD dx, I felt much guilt and shame about past behaviours but I always had this idea that I could learn, grow, change... but now I see how so many of the things I hated about myself were connected to a physical disability that I cannot change. It IS part of who I am, which has made these feelings so much more intense and persistent.
Same. Glad you got the diagnosis!
Happy you discarded shame sir. 👍
Hey Dr Scott. I have done embarrassing things, betrayal things, things I handled badly, 50+ years of things I wish I hadn’t done. They haunt me. I dream about them so can’t forget no matter how much I try. Can you cover dreams? Please, if you can. ❤
@@lancer4709yes make amends
@@lancer4709and if those people are dead or dont want your apology? And what if I dont believe in God? And don’t want to.
Please handle your world your way. Thats not the answer for everyone.
Recipe for disaster.
Forgive them and forgive yourself for whatever caused you to behave this way. Write to them. Send it or don’t. Be real. I’d pray to Yahweh.
I probably haven’t changed the course of anyone’s life in a bad way, I’ve always hurt myself more and before anyone else. I went through adolescence and early adulthood with mental health problems. There will be people and incidences that have long forgotten. I’ve always tried to be kind - but I’ve still fucked up, been stupid, been pathetic. And on and on and on. The more I try and be different the more I end up being me. And I don’t really like me. I’m not sure if these helpful comments are helping. I also have a problem with over sharing…..
It haunts me everyday. It makes me suicidal. I just hate myself so much
Me too
My heart goes out to you and you are not alone! What I try to do is think about other versions of myself and that at every moment I have a choice what side I of myself I am going to show others. I have the choice to be loving say kind things be generous and thoughtful. What matters is how I act in this moment, not inviting in a haunted scary version of myself from the past.
Please don't hate yourself and CERTAINLY don't even think about ending things!!
The fact that you feel so much remorse about the things you have done and the person you were just shows how much you have grown!! AND that you are a good person.
Praying for you ❤
if it helps Dr Ellers has a great video on suicidal ideation, or as I call it The Beast. Going on year 47 with the Beast, it started way back in 1977
Here is an ironic story, I did not do anything wrong, followed morals and still ended feeling guilt and shame. Why? My best friend said I should be most guiltfree person seeing how I have lived My life. But I feel guilty because of not choosing happiness Over morality. Guilty of being kind to a limit where people hurt and betrayed me. Of not being rich enough by hook or crook so as to protect myself from this evil world. For denying marriage for money. Those guys were offering financial stability but I thought it is wrong to use someone for money. Now I feel, I should have just used them for money as they felt it was OK. My goodness brought Me misery.
I know.❤
I think, It s Your emotional condition....You would feel guilty , ashamed or miserable ....even If You married for Money!!! You do Not have to be Young and Beautyful to marry s o wealthy....id You are funny or kind ..You still can do it!!! Try to SNAP Out of Your feelings of regret....try therapie ...or a hobby;!! Marriages can go terribly wrong ...Don t hang in to ,,If I only"..... You are still You, a great Person ...try to be a little forgiving with Yourself!!! Kind regards!!!
Same. I regret having morals. People without them have better lives than me...
Why live morally to honor morality? It’s useless. Joy is found in living morally to honor the Lord. It’s never too late to dedicate our morality, past and present, to the Lord.
I live by my own morale-compass...and even managed to fail these Rules sometimes.... And these failures I regret! But I don t live by some externalized , Moses-like ruler...so I do not have to regret my decisions., when they were guided by dicency...I have matured into a person with some believes!....Some call me too virtuos, some to free or loose...it depends....bur I am not bothered....I know , I m no angel, but I have good standards.It cost time and pain to find them, but living by them gives me some peace!!!
It was the ones I loved the most who haved shamed me for 15 years or more even though I fought them refusing to be shamed. However, everyone has their breaking point and they finally won. I didn't break, I shattered. It's now 1.5 years since I've seen them and I'm so worn down I am letting their view of me to become my reality. I have betrayed myself. Going to try real hard now to drag myself out of bed and force-feed myself. It's already past a normal person's lunch time. Why I still try is beyond understanding. The day is approaching fast when I give up entirely. If I was a dog, you'd have me put down to stop such suffering 😢
"Cognitive distortion" - the only outcome a seven year old can have when faced with psychological trauma. Five steps of change - I have been in a protracted 'action' phase for over a decade! That is a reflection of the nearly 70 years of shame I have carried. There has been good progress...and the inner war has not yet been won by either 'side'. How do I keep at it?. I have learned that we can not know how close we really are to victory; and quitting is the capitulation to a failure mindset that never should have been mine in the first place. It's a good thing I have always had a robust sense of humor...it has literally been a lifesaver.
The part about our behaviors not always aligning with our values really hit home. I never understood how I could do things (in the past) that literally made me hate myself, yet not always be able to stop it or change it either. I am ashamed of many things. This is very helpful!
Not uncommon. Sounds like you had needs that were not being met and did not know how to ask for them. It’s okay. You can forgive yourself. Grant yourself permission.
-Best wishes
@@Job.Well.Done_01 thank you!!!! 💗
What helps me is to realise we always did the best that we could in three face of the stresses we were facing and the skills we had at the time.
If you’re the kind of person who who like to be forgiving and kind to others, you need to apply that same understanding to yourself.
We all did the best that we could do at the time
@@auspicious6703 thank you!!! 💗 You're so right! They were coping mechanisms for unresolved trauma. I was pretty much brainwashed to believe I was trash, so I treated myself like trash.
Hey! We all have dark sides that reside within us all, duality hot/cold, bitter/sweet, big/small good and not so good knowing about is the first step to overcome- good luck on your journey
Please do more about toxic shame and humiliation 😔 it destroys my life for more than 10 years ,,
I don’t want it to destroy my family 😔😔
I’m in hell ,
I don’t want to transfer it ..they don’t deserve it😔😔😔😔😔
we all do mistakes, the only way out of shame is to set with it, either you talk it out loud or write it all in papers (cut them later) feel it, tell yourself what happened and why did it happen and how stupid it was, allow all the shame to come to the surface let it out.
Then, remind your self how stupid it is to waste other 10 years thinking of something u did just because u r a human.
I'm sure there are people who did worst than what u did.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive that version of u, he didn't know any better
Forgive yourself
Forgiveness is a key, I hope u start using it from now on, slowly.
There are much more beautiful feelings u deserve to experience Haider!
@@mahsa9022
I did everything you said,
I can’t explain how much your response impact me ..
Thank you ..🙏
Wish you a peaceful life ..
@@haideromran6592 It's a deep shame, so it needs more time and practice setting with it and freeing it
I hope u an easy healing journey
I cannot afford to be in therapy currently and my mother just passed away. I am an addict and I did some things that I am extremely ashamed of to my mother and my family and friends in my addiction. I just wanted to say thank you for these videos because they have been immensely helpful, as I want to change my life in honor of my mother. Thank you again and please continue the wonderful work that you are doing.
This is so helpful. Because when one takes life seriously one cannot help but be critical of one‘s mistakes, ignorance and naivety - one is so ashamed of realizing that one could have done things so very much better. I find it hard to forgive myself (having been a perfectionist 😕) because I have so much more self awareness now and seem to have grown up far too late. All you say is so true! But I am not at the stage where I trust to share my shame with others - I don‘t believe yet in peoples‘s empathy, because people just love to judge and feel they are better and would NEVER have reacted in the same way…… that will make me feel so much worse. Thanks again, you are amazing and so clear!
I like this Dr! He's to the point, doesn't berate or undermine, or does the "break you down" method for encouragement.
I was raised on the basis of shame. As in, I was made to always feel shame about everything I did as an undiagnosed ADHD and autistic child in the 80s and 90s. I felt embarrassed about every single thing in my life because that was the one thing I learned to perceive about every single thing and how everybody else may potentially see me.
Now I am simply ashamed of the fact that i lived like this, I regret how much of my life I lost to shame. I did ensure to leave ut all behind the moment I cut off my family and "killed off" my past self that i was made to be by them.
I live much more at peace now, but I still am resentful of holding so much of my life back because "I did as I was told."
Thank you for this. I did a podcast last night and delved alot into my anxiety depression and recovery life and today I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Although I know I shouldn't. I've shared alot about this before. But right now it's really taking me down. I will be better it think in a couple of days. Thanks for this chat ❤
The thing is about my past I never ever intentionally or otherwise hurt anyone but I sure did hurt myself with my choices and actions. So it's not so much guilt and shame I feel, it's anger.
I have shame for having social anxiety, and not having friends and I'm ashamed of been seen as not being wanted
There are things I did in the past... sincerely repented, amended where possible or safe, and accepted forgiveness (Divine and, where available, human)... moving on now from those behaviors, wiser and kinder. Acknowledged, accepted the fact of, and forgave ugly things done to me by others... holding no IOUs for anything they might have once owed me. I'm too much gasping for survival breath right now to ruminate the already-processed past. That said, this suggests I need a regular mental review to be mindful if there are possible known issues I've not yet processed... things I couldn't handle before and buried. Come to think of it, that could be what the current troubles are supposed to bring up. 🤔
Keep sowing good things and you will reap good fruitage.
If someone is out there without guilt imo they must be a physchopath. And I do not believe there is anyone who watches Dr Scott is a physchopath because you simply wouldn't be watching him. Good luck and love to you all
Thank you Dr Scott. The loser feeling is horrible 😞
Thank you. I understand now why my shame has lessened. Recently I started sharing things I'm ashamed about with my spouse. He reacted in a supportive way and it's somehow become less painful. Something really bad happened lately and I didn't jump to a place of shame, but rather guilt. Normally I would have been drowned in thoughts of being a disgusting, worthless person but it didn't go there this time. Doesn't mean the thoughts didn't come up, but they were fleeting and didn't take over. What a change.
Genius. It’s true. Shame can be a severe liability, paradoxically it can cause you to have a desire to change. Brene brown deciphers the shame guilt concept well.
Dr. Scott, I would love a video about doing really hard scary things that you are avoiding. Things you would typically get exposure therapy for. For example, I feel extreme terror about just opening my thesis proposal edits or any emails from my advisor. I don’t know how to get through this because when I finally check it, I feel more scared, not less. Ripping off the bandaid seems like the only way but I can never bring myself to do it.
You are describing me and my life
Had to pause at undeer 3 minutes in. The talk is about guilt and shame...shame from guilt that has become part of who we are...not of what we did. My level of frustration and anger has risen too high to bear for the moment. I learned long go that my early trauma had me believing that I was the failure, unworthy, etc. For all the progress I have made in understanding and healing from that negative imprinting...I still struggle daily with those thoughts that act like quicksand trying to pull me backward. My message to anyone reading this who is in a similar predicament is this. Use inner frustration and anger as a motivator to continue to distance from destructive programming no matter what those programs still do to us. There is no alternative. None.
Certainly I've done some things that I'm guilty of, that I did and would rather not have done, I'm human.
My biggest source of shame is very clear, although not what to do about it. My brother and I were born to two young, ignorant, multigenerational damaged narcissists. Physical punishment started in infancy, and got worse as we became toddlers, on through childhood. I left home as soon as possible. I'm 74 now. The shame has been lifelong.
You did nothing wrong. You have lived a difficulty life, and no mortal can know why. I just want to send you love. Because in the end that’s what it all is. I have found great peace in ACIM. I have a similar background to yours. I don’t know if this is a good recommendation- as it took me 20 years to not want to throw the damned book out the window.
But now I read a
Bit every day - it needs some connections with bible But nit so much!!
I love ACIM too. Thanks
Hi there, Dr. Scott. This was one of the videos I first watched after discovering your channel. It was like healing balm to my mind and soul.
I want you to know how much you have helped me with the information in this video and others. I once saw a therapist who, only after seeing her for 6 months, finally believed that I was really experiencing terrible fatigue. What a waste of time!
Whereas with your videos, I truly feel like you understand what I'm going through, which is beyond refreshing.
This video alone has earned my subscription. I've been binge-watching your videos ever since. Thank you so much, and keep up the great work!
Dr. Scott, you and Kati Morton here on RUclips have helped me more than any professional I've seen in person. You two get it. Like really get it. Thank you ❤
The liability of shame when already in an (action) advanced stage of change. I am listening. My guilt/shame IS ME. How does one let go of themselves? Thoughts are habitual...you know yourself and us too well. I have been stuck in a maddening cycle of backsliding as shame morphs from a motivator to a jailer. Turn that shame back into guilt...kick it out of the 'I AM' internalized form to the 'I DID/MADE' externalized one. My inner 'enemy' is clearer to me now. I know its stratecy and tactics better, thank you. As far as taking: "...a very, very long time" to accomplish the exit of shame, you have that right! And that is
important to remember - I/we can not know how close the finish line really is. "Never give up - Never surrender" (Galaxy Quest)
I had a harder time understanding this one, I’m glad you put in the allegory about shopping because it helped. I’m looking forward to the next one!
All I ever hear about shame these days is Brene Brown toxic shame stuff about how shame is always the thing wrong with your life. It felt ingenuine, so I read one of her books. I was confused the whole time. The type of shame she discusses can get very ephemeral and almost seem like she’s talking about something else. I’m sure she isn’t, but the way it’s delivered really confused me and didn’t help me actually understand my own shame. It’s nice to go back to the basic definition (blaming and hating on yourself for things you felt guilty about). I also super appreciate how nuanced you always are, like how you said shame can be helpful just like how there is such a thing as healthy distraction from hard emotions.
I was always scared that if I forgot about my shame, I'd slide back. But I guess that's not the case after all. I feel like it's always easy to shame others because you think you'll always stick to your morals and values, but there can come times when you do betray those. And it's not great.
And wow, I never thought about the last one, but it's definitely something worth considering to do
It made cents (sense) to me. I hope it makes dollars for you. I have worked with some therapists who never in a million years even came close to mentioning this. It's important. Thanks.
John chapter 8 NIV A Woman Caught in Adultery
8 Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, 2 but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. 3 As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.
4 “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
6 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. 7 They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” 8 Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
9 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. 10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
11 “No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
It made a lot of sense. Thank you.
Thank you Dr Scott for your expertise and thorough explanations!
Great topic, great advice, thank you!
My concentration left me ten minutes into the video.... sometimes it sucks 😢
Concentration isn’t a “thing” that leaves you. You decide where to put it. You may have shifted your focus to something else, different video, different thought etc. but that was a choice (conscious or otherwise) that was made by you. You chose to stop concentrating after ten minutes for whatever reason..but saying concentration left you is you saying you are a victim of circumstance and have no control what you concentrate on. This is a lie.
Thanks very much for your valuable help Dr Eilers.
Thank You; Dr. Eilers!! Now I understand and appreciate your in depth explanations.
❤ thank you .. appreciate your content
This turned my whole day around emotionally, thank you for your content!
This was really helpful thank you.
Thank you so much for this content! It’s very helpful
I deeply appreciate your videos. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you Dr. Scott. You help and make a difference. I like to know the "whys" of so much. You explain them. I wish you were my personal counselor. Thank you for your videos and really explaining so much. You are greatly appreciated.
Thank you for ypur words. They are so helpful
Thanks for this talk, it's most helpful in chipping away at that awful cycle of self punishment.
Wow! Thank you so much. That really hit home about letting go of shame when you're already actively working on changes. 🙏
Thank you, doctor. Actually, what you said makes perfect sense.
Dropping another ton of truth. Thank you. I keep saving your videos in a playlist. Did I tell you my therapist and I watch your videos during our sessions? She agrees so much with your lessons and therapy philosophy. We are learning from you.
Thank You. Just, thank you.
Thank you, Scott, for this. I tend to be really hard on myself so this means so much. The truth is, most people aren't thinking about me. They're too busy thinking about other things (or, should be).
I am a francophone but I appreciate so much how good are your explanations!! Really clearly articulated, efficient and helpful! Thank you for your good work shared with us!
Thank you! 🙏🏻
Thank you for this video, really couldn’t have come at a better time! At this moment I am working through some difficult circumstances and am moving forward with some acceptance. Which is clearly easier said than done. There are some deep seated feelings shame and guilt I am hoping with help from my loved ones and professionals help I can get to a place where this time in my life is behind me.❤
I go back and forth -- berating myself for (now) perceived stupidity, realizing that in the end it is all for the best. Your videos are encouraging -- the best thing is to move forward, resolve to do or be better.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Scott, I never knew, until watching this video, that guilt and shame are different things, and that *guilt* comes before *shame*
I struggle with forgiving myself for past wrongs and have been beating myself up for decades about *how bad I was* , not about how bad I am. I'm not BAD = I'm no longer experiencing SHAME.
I've just realised that I've unknowingly worked through the former shame/be-ing ashamed and have moved forward (or backwards
Thank you is important to know. 😢
Well that helped so much, thank you
Thank you so much Sir ❤
I will need to listen until it sinks in.
And, please consider covering the topic of when shame becomes our identity ❤
It helps me to journal and do it in the third person, as if I am writing soneone elses story. Her "mistakes" seem less and I can see how she did all she could given the circumstance. It removes my mothers voice from the conversation.
This is so interesting, Trudi. Tell me more! I always want to journal, but after a few pages, I quit or tear them out. Maybe that's why - because I tie it in with the negative side of my dear mother. And I don't want others to see some of my private thoughts.🤔 🩷
Interesting. Thanks ❤😊
Thank you.
Thank you❤
It's hard to not to be able to break free of shame when loved ones have projected it onto you for deades and gave finally left (even if they are neurodivergent and in denial so are not capable of viewing past situations through a different lens now we realise we had a 45 yr ND/NT marriage without knowing it).
You really had me Dr Scott until you sais "it will take really long time" to change. Losing everything, including safety of having a place to call home and financial security even at the most basic level in coming years, means "time" is one luxury I don't have. Once again, I start to feel some hope and inspiration only to be dashed on the rocks of doom. Every day is a struggle to live and I'm all done in. I have so little time left, I wish I would stop watching inspiring videos like this because the catch at the end always pops up - it will take a long time / years so I am deeper in despair now knowing there is no hope or place in the world for me any more. I am too old to come back from the broken, damaged person I've become. It's too ingrained. Too late 😢
I've always been ashamed. I suppose it is complicated, but basically I'm a loser.
I tried, but I failed myself. 😪🤦♂️And now, I’m just living.
Dr. Scott, thank you for this. What role does external shame play in our journey? When others make snap judgments about a behavior, wouldn’t that reinforce our own feelings of shame? How can we move past those hurtful comments?
Thanks!
Thank you!
Enlightening
Hello Dr Scott
I owned my regrets and my decisions that turned into mistakes.
I regret agreeing to the Soul Contact and be born to this earth.
I regret making the decision to marry and birthing a child.
It was all a big mistake in my life.
My lesson I learned is
I will never marry or birth another child.
And I will never reincarnate ever again.
😂
Past choices, regrets, and failures do keep you chained when you are now and inmate in a prison system. Families do the time with their loved ones, unfortunately.
Most of the time, families are responsible for turning their children into monsters of varying sorts.
Family are most of the ones who put guilt on you. I'm tired of living with what they've done to me.
It could be helpful to try to transform our shame into guilt. True humility could help us do this.
Wow, amazing
I am 67 I did it my Way.
In fact as I have gotten old I have developed a F You attitude.
I lice in a 55 + community it has really changed the way I feel about my life and people.
What kills me about being this age.
A Old widow woman that knows what life is about has kids right out of school supposedly trying to tell me about life??
2nd comment.
The fact you have experience so much I really believe in you.
I ha e followed for over a year because of you my lifestyle as changed.
I am not on any meds now.
You held be who I am.
Great job!!
But sometimes it's necessary to look if the things we did/do are bad and we should feel guilty or if we are just looking for things we can feel guilty and be ashamed of because we know these feelings so well and heard it so often that we are a kind of addicted to it.
Yes
I know I am a good person. But, I am doing things that aren’t acceptable (I drink alone), in my thinking is to try to forget.
"it's not who I am today."
I have a childhood memory of when I sang at a concert and it made me the laughing stock of my school. I still get hit with this memory and all of the embarrassment and shame that came from it. It’s over forty years later! How do I fight against it?
I see you as a vulnerable, enthusiastic young child, doing something for others from the joy of your heart that you wanted to share. You weren't to know at the time that your performance wouldn't be appreciated, for whatever reason, as you were so young and inexperienced at the time. You sung for the sharing and the joy of it. You did nothing wrong. If you could step back from yourself, all those years ago, see yourself, from a distance as that little person performing at the concert... could you see all the qualities, the enthusiasm, the vulnerability of that young person, putting themselves on view, bravely, courageously for the audience. You did it for the joy of it. You didn't know, couldn't have perceived at the time that your performance would get a reaction you weren't expecting. You did nothing wrong.
(I can so relate to your story, I won't go into detail, but I made a mess up of a performance in front of 800 people, some of whom I knew. The performance was an important part of the 'event' and because I missed something out (of the storyline) the rest of the performance was disjointed and confusing for the audience members who didn't know the background story I was meant to share with them. I effectively missed reading out 2 pages of the script because the paper clip on my notes was placed in the wrong place and 'hid' the 2 relevant (really, really, REALLY relevant!) pages.
I was so embarrassed and felt like I'd let the whole audience down, and my fellow 'cast members'.
The funny thing was, my error, and the confusion it caused during and well after the performance got people to talking, asking questions, adding to the conversation, editing the 'script' and I think we all sort of learned something new that a "mistake" can sometimes not be such a bad thing.
I hope you can see, fellow human, that you did what you did, for all the right, pure, joyous reasons back there in time. See that little child, and give her a big hug for her courage and her wanting to just share with others freely for the most innocent reasons. 😊
Dr. Scott, I use your motivation math to leverage effort and accomplish things. And it works great for most things. Is there a way of leveraging social effort to gain actual feelings of connection, especially for those of us suffering from chronic anhedonia and schizoidy symptoms?
Hi Dr Scott. Could you speak about internalization of shame when someone is bad with you ? Thanks
Scott, could you share your thoughts on shame and stigma and what differentiates between the two of them.
I am in pre-contemplation as far as depression goes because I don't want to change. But I'm in therapy trying to figure out HOW to WANT to change. And letting go of shame is something I'm not sure I want either, because it's who I am, and if I let go of shame I will become a confident/normal/non-depressed person. I really don't want that. I don't want to be a "normal" person
Why do I often get memories of cringeworthy moments in my distant past?
I acxept my shame ... Now im like you guys now they will accept me ..
Shsme is my power
I feel like I like my therapist too much to tell her my shame stories, my deepest selfish ones. It is so awful. But I have told her a lot and it has helped but idk I think I need to find a therapist I don’t like too much to be able to tell them lol. It’s so silly but it’s awful. I was treated awful and I’ve done stupid disturbing things! You’re right. My soundboard is lethal. Must come out with the darkness. I think I would like to become catholic now so I can go to confession and mind you I am born again.
I had my first relationship and treated her bad, broke her trust and cheated and its haunting me alive. She was an amazing women and its eating me alive.
Its been 3 months and im thinking hout suicide everyday.
I have a therapist and tried meds and meditation things arent working out for me.
I guess this is my karma tor my mistakes i deserve no sympathy i just don't wanna live anymore. And lost the only best friend ive ever had.
Shame is the way we punish ourself when we know we have done wrong
I'm on the autism spectrum. It seems impossible to let go of shame since I *still* struggle with social interaction, coping with change, and other issues that make me feel awkward or embarrassed. I can't say "I'm not that person anymore" unless I don't have autism anymore. How can I get to a "maintenance" stage for something I've been backsliding on all my life, and probably will for the rest of my life?
I smoke. Entire world has tried to Shame me to quit. I don't want to! Yeah, I should, of course. I deeply resent others forcing their view on my life. Forced to hide! I've always been very respectful of others. What do you say when others force a person using shame (total strangers!). Feels the same when others try to shame me to go to their churrch.
this period time have lasted from 13 to 26 😢
How to forgive yourself for something reeeeally bad that were totally out of character? What if you already have done a complete change of yourself and still feel like you can't ever be forgiven?
Anyone can do anything if put under enough stress and pressure. That’s just human nature and it applies to all of us. As goes the quote ‘I am a man, I consider nothing that is human alien to me’.
Instead of beating yourself up, have compassion for yourself and for the strain that you were under that led you to crack and behave out of character.
Like you said, it was out of character, meaning it’s not who you are.
You forgive yourself period. No matter how “reeeeeally bad” your action may have been. Whatever it was, was meant to happen, and is now in the past. You can harbor shame, or turn it to guilt and take action to behave differently next time. Treat whatever you had done (again, no matter the severity) as a part of your path, and learn from it. Whatever it was, it was meant to go the way it did. This happened already, we are now in the present moment, work from here, the present moment and do better if what you did was a bad thing.
Dr Eilers-can you please talk about forboading?
I think the idea that guilt is a non negotiable good for life is missing.
Growing up in a Roman Catholic home shame was very high on my parents mind but not guilt.
Guilt was just a stepping stone to "you're bad". It never stopped at guilt. We had to be ashamed.