Hard reset for those who fail repeatedly
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- Опубликовано: 14 апр 2024
- If you're consistently failing at the same thing over and over again, you might be trying to force something that, ultimately, isn't you.
I know this from painful personal experience. For years, I desperately tried to reinvent myself as a "cool" outsider, only to feel more lost and frustrated than ever. It wasn't until I embraced my authentic self - a nerdy outdoorsman - that I finally found peace and purpose.
When you find yourself in this place, it's time for a total life reexamination: where are you taking yourself and why?
This probably feels pretty daunting, but I'm going to break it down for you now.
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But I do care.
We are all damaged by this toxic "you can do and be anything you want, you just need to try hard enough." mentality.
You stole my comment. Cheers.
Glad you see this. I’m almost 70 and I’m a therapist. At around 50 I noticed how depressed younger people were. I became aware of FOMO. I knew it was more though. I became aware of the you can be anything you want. I spontaneously told a young client (I’m female 5’6” and a little overweight) what do you think my chances of getting into the MBA would be. He laughed so hard which was great. It started a breakthrough for him. 😉
Totally agree
@@user-vq2wr7fh7l NBA? 🏀
Yeah but this "Everyone has something they are meant to be" is also harmful and untrue.. I'm still in the middle of watching it but I think this is the first video where I completely disagree with his opinion.
I’m 55 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. 🥺
same. After what I have been through the past 6 months has made me realize I am not here to rescue people or be a people pleaser. So therefore if that wasn't really me, then who am I?
You’re not alone Sharon. I’m 59 and feel the same way! Always have 😅
@@billmcniff9539Same. I've started to think not having a thing is my thing.
I'm 55 and want to be retired.
@@barbaramatthews4735 well I am retired and have been since 2016. A great blessing
"Sometimes the reason that you keep failing at something over and over again is because you are trying to become something that you were never meant to be."
As a sensitive introvert, possible ADHD, possible on the autism spectrum person, living in a world that values extraversion, focus, achievement, social engagement, I could completely relate to trying to live a life I was never meant to live. Never living up to what others expect of me, or at least I think they expected me, has been a life filled with anxiety and depression. I’m not sure where I go with this at 70 and there’s not much time left to figure it out, but thank you for this talk and sharing your experience. Now I’m going to go outside into the sunshine, out in nature, where I do feel most like myself.
@terryg4415 I really appreciate your comment. Thank you.
I think your situation is too common, sadly. Similarly, I've had WAY MORE than my fair share of challenges and trauma. I won't got into detail because it would just seem like I'm trying to get victim points (I'm not.) or that I am lying (I don't.). I'm old & I can barely believe I'm still struggling with the dumb crap that I had to deal with as a youngster. I tell employers and others "Nobody has ever given me a job because I am tall or handsome or socially adept. People give me a job because I'm good." It's dumb, but has worked fairly well. Similarly, I don't like to work with good looking, tall, well-connected or ivy-league school graduates. Give me the short, ugly guy with no social skills and a terrible accent. They didn't get where they are on looks or the whims of others. We don't look the part customers expect of us, but when our solutions work better than anyone else's, that customer is outs for life.
Good luck mate! I was diagnosed with dyslexia at 38 and ADHD and autism level 1 at 40. I'm 46 now and have lots of healing but now I feel like I have to rebuild who I am, it's a struggle for sure. A struggle that very few people see, there was only so long I could use intelligence to brute force my way through life before it all fell apart. I don't have any advice but I'm wishing you all the very best.
@@Islander185 I don't know if I'm somewhere on the "spectrum," or suffer from other significant neurological maladies, but I do know that I have had a miserably horrible life that has caused me to behave in ways that are counterproductive. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. I have done what you have: used intellect to brute force hack my way through my existence. It is so noteworthy that psychologists have written about me in psychological text books (using a pseudonym for me) as an example of someone that has only a single coping tool, brains, and who thus utilizes this one and only tool to combat the myriad of excrement the world rains down on me consistently, even to this day. I have read about people that have had a more rotten life than my own, but I do no personally know of anyone that's had a worse go of things. I'm not vying for victim points, but it gets stupid some times the incredibly awful random events that hurtle at me, like a rogue asteroid from space, intent on heaping even more undeserved punishment on me., You know the song "If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all." Like that. By way of strange contrast, for reasons I also cannot fathom, I have literally cheated death no less than six times. I should not be typing this. Doctors as recently as a month ago told me I should not even be alive, yet for some strange reason God, or Mother Nature, or whomever/whatever wants me to NOT slough off this mortal coil. Do I have some unfinished business I'm supposed to do, or am I just being kept around for more sadistic punishment I don't know, but I'd sure like it if whatever runs the universe would knock it off & cut me a little slack sometimes. Over & over & over again it goes, the endless punishment, while other legitimately terrible humans harm others wantonly with zero repercussion. I'm writing a book about some of it, but I'm not much of a writer & who would want to read such a depressing tome anyways. It is therapeutic, somewhat. That is it was until I broke ("pulverized" is the term the orthopedic surgeon used) both of my wrists at the same time bicycling a year and a half ago. Now typing HURTS like he11. Singing "If it weren't for bad luck...." Having dyslexia seems horrible to me. I don't know what stuff looks like in your head with that, but I know it's a bad problem to have. I didn't know there were "levels" to autism, and at this point I'm so used to my personal behavioral issues, and so used to dancing my way effectively around them, that I'm not even sure having a solid diagnosis would do me any good other than having a cataloged curiosity of a behavior to gawk at. Good luck with your endeavors. I wish you the best, & "effe the bozos." Cheers.
Keep writing. Others want you to. The thing I used to do for myself, I do more for others, now; they want me to; and I'm better at remembering their names. I need them. I love them.
Man this video hit hard today. 😢 Pressure from growing responsibilities has made me desire to be a logical, organized, highly productive person. I've been trying and failing for so long, not understanding why seemingly simple plans have been impossible and I keep getting worse, mentally. But was just thinking last night how intensely imaginative and playful I used to be, and how these types of activities have been almost completely absent from my life - at best, the bottom of my priority list. It's definitely a message that hits home right now.
If you're imaginative, make imaginative plans. Maybe you're playing an unimaginative role that needs an unimaginative person. It's like a pianist trying to give a recital on the triangle.
Just become it. It's not a costume. It's an atrophied muscle right now. But now you gotta build strength
thank you for your insight.
I think one of the most destructive things a parent can tell a child is you can be anybody you want to be or you can be anybody you want to be when you grow up. What a better take would be you can be anyone you're supposed to be when you grow up. You can be a successful at your gifting and your calling when you grow up. Let's find out what that is.
I’m taking that one.
Your child guidance is better than "you can be anything....". Parents that give that advice mean well, but are optimistic, shallow, unintelligent, or haven't considered the holistic effect of their words. I wouldn't be too hard on these parents. Some people have more capability than others. I took placement and guidance tests in high school, and then college, and scored in the top 1% on ALL tests. This frustrated my guidance counselor who said exasperated "You can do anything you want to do. You scored near the top on all abilities. So just PICK something!" I asked "So what should I pick?" I still haven't chosen a career, but one chose me.
Normally, you don't desire something that is not natural to you. As a 5 foot 2, 100lbs woman, I'm not desiring to become an NFL football player
I'd rather hear that than a mother tell you that you can't do anything right what's wrong with me I used to hear that all the time till this day I still feel like I can't do anything right
I'd rather hear that than my mother who said: you can only do sciences and maths; you must leave any creative art ideas behind as they are worthless.
Dr. Scott, all of your videos are huge help for me but this one... I can't find words just crying. My (whole life) story is a kind of "negative" of yours: a "too much", unfocused "bad girl" (now I know with ADHD) trying to be the "good girl" all the time. What remained: no creativity, no enthusiasm, no motivation, but depression, health problems and feeling stuck. I'm 55 now and I know I can't go back in time but this video gives me a huge relief - if someone turned on the light in a dark room. Thank you for your wonderful work - and your transparency - and sorry for my English!
Same… age 40…
Your English is good.
@@gene108 Thank you! :)
I feel like I’m about to run into a hard reset in life too. Thanks for posting this story, it’s a good one especially with the unfinished tattoo metaphor. Also thanks for referring to the “what to do if there’s no normal to return to” because that’s exactly how I’m feeling.
Vini, Vidi Incassum. I came, I Saw, I Failed. 63 and all is lost. Only pain and death awaits. I took the wrong path but never recognized the right one. I probably will on my death bed. Just killing time in eternity now marinating in shame and regret.
😢😢
I hear ya. Sounds awful.
This helped. At my age (72) I'm not sure there's much i can do with it, but it explains a lot.
Solitude has helped me know me. As a former cronic codependent....it has healed with awareness. Depression followed. No longer knew who l was...never did really. I have decided to spend a year in solitude again....to follow me into the real me. Early dawn walks, keto diet, (gained allot of weight with the depression) self study utube, structure, routines. I am excited l finally gave this gift to myself. Pressure off me to look to others for my positive mirroring that l am acceptable. I am actually enjoying myself no end. Ireland
I'm at a crossroads right now and this video really spoke to me. I don't really know how to handle the choices I need to make for myself right now though
Me too. Coz I don’t know myself, and the choices all seems daunting…
I’m thirty and just fell on my butt again. i pushed myself into being confident and going out more and approaching people etc, I finally formed a group that I thought liked me for me for a few years. Because of their validation I thought it was the real me (since I started looking myself), but they only accepted the person I was trying to be. Bc society loves the loud extrovert who never talks about their problems. I’m back on a reset too. It really is demoralizing to feel like you pushed the wall of resistance and it didn’t break. I am trying to accept myself, but keep falling into the trap of not being myself without realizing it. All my stuff comes down to social issues and seeing other people like the more charismatic person. I just have to accept that I’m not that, I can’t keep up with that. I have to like that side of me and I’m not sure how, but at least Im more aware of it and will make more aligned plans.
My question to you is, how do we accept that part of ourselves if society is built for a different type of person? Even if I let go of the loner archetype I’m still going to be me, and will struggle with the amount of socialization that occurs daily. And how does one create aligned plans if they don’t know who they are?
I was told by a psychologist once that if you're an introvert or extrovert depends on what you need to do to recharge your batteries. I'm an introvert but I used to be able to force myself to be social as long as I could have the whole weekend to myself or days off just to be me. Extroverts recharge by being with others. This may not help you but it helped me to understand myself. Yes, extroverts are generally more successful but us introverts are often deep thinkers and deep feelers and quietly creative. On the whole, I'd rather be me 😊.
I think the answer lies in your comment- don’t talk about your problems. Having a supportive network to do so seems to be one or two people- or a therapist and a diary. Overall, People really don’t want to know. The one or two people that you can, might take years to cultivate. Some people never have those folks. Sounds like you want to be social- and that easily means putting your stuff aside to enjoy the other people around you. Ps- I copied and pasted that for myself- to remind myself.
@@jm7514 yup, that’s the same conclusion I came to too, for the most part I’ve got it down but with best friends/close friends I’m still too open once I’m comfortable. Once they share, i do too but the amount of sharing needs adjustment. And if we’re both in a big group that’s when the line blurs. I think I just need to hold back more in general lol. You’re right though, it brings others down and that’s not great.
Yeah! I realised to have people to keep talking about your problems is also giga boring and leads no where.
Why not create a nice home space that you like. Quiet en peaceful and then have some fun IRL outside of that?
At home you can do things for yourself, outside home you just have fun! That’s also a part of you and I’d imagine you do have fun while you’re that.
Dismiss you think it doesn’t apply. Some parts are better off killed I thinn
I totally hear you
Haha, I was a goth girl, back in the late 80's, ealy 90's. Am 50 now. The darkness is still there, but much more under the surface. A big problem is we are fed a cultural narrative that you should just keep trying if you want something bad enough. This seems to work for some highly functional individuals I know, but never did for me. I've suspected a long time I set myself uncompatible goals. Thank you for confirming it. ❤
I forget most of the things scott says in his videos, but i just start to get a certain mindset everytime. The level of thinking he does about his life, inspires me to actually use how he thinks about his life into my own life problems.
ALLERT to sensitive subject trigger. ::::This touches so many emotions in my life experience first with my late son who has since passed at age 24 in 1994 , he started changing his persona wanting to ge called by a different name and making decisions like Rambo even joining the army which he was discharged from for not being mentally able to cope , he thought real life was the tv and movies he seen , for he didn’t like who he was even though he was fine and loving. He suffered from child regression schizophrenia. And did end up taking his life.
Sorry for your loss
So sorry to hear this. I also have a son with schizophrenia and know it's a very hard road to go down. Sending you mental hugs and blessings.
This describes me so well. Being a 'tomboy' all my childhood, then trying to fit in as a girl. Never good enough for either men or women, esp my family. Didn't help that I had an unplanned baby at 20. Now I am 66 and happily a single independent strong 'person'
Ooof. This video. I swear... growing up with abusive toxic parents, I never got to 'be me' or find out who I was or develop a personality. I started trying to ''be'' other people. Of course, this never made me happy. It gave me temporary relief... but now I'm in my 30s, kind of isolated... but happier? I'm not doing things to fit any image anymore. But I'm still struggling because while it feels right, it also feels wrong. I don't really know who 'I' am at times... but I see all the different hats I've put on over the years to be other people. I'm so frustrated with myself.
I grew up in South Dakota where there are so few role models for forms of living other than the very traditional.
Out in the wider world, I was ashamed of my roots and hid my rural upbringing. But I didn't fit into the urban corporate world either.
Then my Dark Night of the Soul came. It started with a gleeful, drug assisted slide out of every societal and familial expectation.
I still had no clue who I was inside. Then years of hardcore addiction and homelessness took me to the bottom of myself. And then years of recovery helped me find my authentic self. Bringing that person into my whole personality was imperative to staying clean and sober
A simple platitude guided my mission. "Make your outsides match your insides"
Courage and love to all who take this amazingly rewarding journey.
Your story is inspiring ❤
ThAnks for the hope.8n n out for yrs due to Untreated ADHD dyslexia,crazy abusive parents who hated each other and gave me drugs sex abuse &other members of famiy that dont accept mental health or even AA.
I am a beautiful compassionate,resourceful funny creative woman who beleived what others told me,and society.I love the night time too as it's quiet.
This reminds me of some of the truest words to ever fall out of Mike Rowe's mouth, (paraphrasing, probably) "don't follow your passion, but bring your passion with you." His point was that he wanted to be a carpenter like his grandfather whom he idolized, but he sucked at it and was struggling to improve. Going in a different direction he realized that he was good at being a baritone in operas and barbershop quartets, and selling precious moments figurines on QVC overnight. Once he gained a passion for the things that he excelled at, his career took off taking him to places that he never thought to dream about. ❤
Oh,we want more "Scott story time!!" This is so transparent and helpful!
And to see your tattoo
Scott, you are very fortunate to have parents support you for dropping out of high school for a year.
Thank you. I have been suspecting something along these lines for a few years now. I am unhappy and depressed as I am not living the life I was meant to live. Totally relatable to me.
I loved this video. It's true- I could mask and pretend, but at the end of the day I was only left with imposter syndrome, anxiety, and paranoia. Better to be the real and authentic me, and not try to pigeonhole myself into a role I feel like society wants for me. Life is better this way.
So often & so hard I tried to be something I wasn't. When I look back it all seemed so silly, let alone futile. Self-acceptance -- realizing what I can change & what I can't -- was the first step to any kind of autonomy.
I'm experiencing this now. I went to school to do Social Work and spent about 4 years doing crisis services before I burnt out completely. I decided to do a trade and be a plumbing apprentice. Been at it 4 years, and the work itself is good, but my self esteem is wrecked and I feel so out of touch with who I am. I'm a woman and pretty sensitive/stereotypically feminine. I feel more than capable of doing the work, but there's a lot of stress in feeling so out of place everyday. I've developed a chronic illness during this time, and I think my body is telling me I'm trying to fit myself into a box that just isn't me. It's not that I want to give up, but I don't want to spend my whole career putting on an emotional suit of armor every day and pushing myself into a space where I'm not appreciated or wanted. Your videos help me sort out my feelings about these things during a difficult time in my life. Thank you 💕
Would you be willing to mention some of your struggles in a gendered workplace because my friend is trying to get into one and I don’t know that she is fully grasping that she will have two jobs, to keep one job.
Any advice appreciated.
There's a plumbing company here in the Seattle area that is woman-owned and all (or almost all?) women plumbers. Wishing you had something like that available to work at! It's a good marketing choice too, a lot of single females are much more comfortable having a woman come to their home.
Early on in my childhood I got the message that the problems in my family were my fault and I needed to fix them. I went from a happy, carefree child to a fixer with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have remained a fixer my entire life which, of course, has led to nothing but problems and tremendous frustration. Thanks for the video.
This year I've been noticing this about myself, that I'm trying to be someone else because of this belief that who I am is wrong or dislikeable by most... And I'm talking about being shy, introverted, asocial and anxious
I think a lot of us look around and try to be who we think we 'should' be or who we've been told we 'should' be by parents, teachers, peers and what we see in the media. It takes a lot of insight and also courage to go against that tide to find our own authenticity. It's a journey that never ends.
I had similar "reinventing myself" events several times when young. I didn't really fit in anywhere. Maybe 2 or 3 friends tops. As a young man my mental illness, religious views, and rather distinct social awkwardness all mixed together to create a basket case. Always ruminating and feeling like a reject. Never able to talk or act like the kids around me. Great presentation. Very relatable to my experience. At 47 years old it would be nice to figure out what to do finally. Sure would be nice:) It would be absolute heaven to me if I could just once wake up and feel like a decent and normal man. It would be great to feel like I didn't need to apologize for being in this world. I have hated myself since I understood the concept of hating oneself.
Dr. Eilers I am so glad you are exactly who you are now because you are helping so many people like me that needed to hear this today being you. I really am stuck and I am trying to get back to my "normal" but I have MS and limitations that I am in denial of. So I keep thinking I can go and do all the stuff I used to do but I can't. I need to accept my new normal and love this body that I have now even if it can't do all things I want it to do. ❤️
Although my "false template" was different than yours, Dr. Eilers, it didn't fit me. It served me for a long time because I am more financially comfortable than some (while more financially vulnerable than most), but I felt so out of place. Several years ago, I incorporated nature more and am still squeezing in my art work. I'm figuring out how to balance what I love and what is me against being a business owner and still being present for the employees and other colleagues. Thanks for sharing your story. It was affirming.
Never have i heard somebody who i know IN MY SOUL absolutely 100% understands the utter termoil your own brain can create. Ive watched so many videos and they never hit the mark. Its as if somehow youre talking to me directiy and i feel that you understand. I want you to know how much youve helped me. Its immeasurable. Thank you so much 💓
This was an excellent video! Really one of your best ones. You hit a home run here!
This totally applies to me. It was as if you custom made this session just for me.
And I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars to receive this therapy from you. I am forever grateful you give me free access on You Tube!
This really spoke to me today. I have been trying to be what I think the ideal children's book illustrator should be and I haven't been having much luck. More accurately I have been making myself miserable and while also producing what I consider uninspired and boring art.
Best pep talk ever when you are like giving up with what everyone else wants you to be. I am also the outdoors woman. It does not fit into the city life as I was born into. I will continue to grind until I can move to a more rural area.
Remember we are human beings not human doings. The world is big on accomplishments, but life is about more than that. ❤️
❤❤❤
That unexpected Silent Hill 2 mention! I still remember buying the PC version blind when I was 15 in 2003. It made enough of an impression that I kept comparing literally any story (book or movie) with psychological character exploration to SH2. I'm Russian and grew up in Uzbekistan, but that's delightful when I come across a personal shared experience with someone I never knew but a few weeks ago (no worries, I'm not into parasocial relationships). I've been drudging thru a depressive period, and this little titbit helped me feel a bit more "alive" and "aware". It's the little weird things that you don't expect. Thanks!
These sudden game-related drops are the cherry on the top in these videos!
I’m someone who needed this. I’ve never heard anyone else describe that dark, conflicting energy of being non-living when you’re young. I’ve felt like an alien for like 10-15 years, and I’m 25. I just finally realized within the last few months it’s okay to give up on a version of you. You’re not tied to anything. It’s still very ingrained in me, so it’s painful, but I’m starting to at least face it instead of distracting all the time. You came into my life at the right time, thank you for the push. It’s also helpful that you pointed out that it takes several dominos to fall, many describe transformation as an absolute process, all or nothing. But for me it’s been an ice-picking, wax-on wax-off situation haha. Thank you so much!
Man, that was a GREAT! video. I felt that! I know the consequences of straying from your own path and I warn my daughter of it every chance I get.❤
"Goth girls be crazy" 😂
Your content has such a great formula:
- Super relatable descriptions about nuanced things I've always had a hard time articulating.
- Tangible, real life advice with action steps and tips for exploration.
- Hilarious one liners that make my head whip around with, "Did he just say that?! He can't say that!" 😂
Keeps us on our toes! 💗
You are very lucky to have discovered all of that so early in your life. I hope everybody who feel lost and feel they don't belong NOT to give up and keep at it to finally find and accept who they are, and then, the path becomes clear. Peace with yourself and the rest.....
Been homeless 3x started over with nothing and I'm heading there a 4th time. I don't think there's anything that can help me change or find value in anything anymore I watch soo many of these videos hoping that someone will say something that makes me want to push forward into something else but might as well ask me to light the sun from inside a cave.
Dear Doctor, you have hit the nail on the head! I've shared you on Facebook stating your wise, informative, spot on videos. I'm 63 lost my every bit, it's too late for me but hopefully with sharing your videos will hello others. I've been suffering all my life, never understanding mean people. Grew up with mother telling me that no body cared about me or my stories. She was right.
I'm glad for these videos, but it is kind of sad to see, that a Doctor from overseas, with a YT channel, is a thousand times more empathic, than those who are close to you.
Yes. Because he's lived it and he knows what he's talking about. Sadly I think that's a prerequisite to true empathy.
What you said is also my experience. Denying who i was was the start of all my troubles. I could be a very interesting person in my own right, in what looked like nerdy in the eyes of the world. But still nerdy-interesting, and that wld have made me a more relatable person to others and made more friends and have more authentic experiences which wld add to who I really was. I still fight this tendency at 49.
You are so right, Scott. You still got out early at 23. I was in that loop for 15 more years, and lost opportunities. That's half a life.
Thanks for this, it rang a bell for me. I've always been a heavy rock fan and in my younger days I hung out with bands etc. This led me to living an unhappy, depressed and anxious life. Partly of my own making, but mostly due to the unhealthy relationships I got into. Now I'm a reclusive 64 year old and just realising who I really am. This video confirmed to me what my next steps should be. Thank you so much.
I found this video super-relatable, which is what I was hoping for when you mentioned it being a bit different than your usual content. I see myself in your story and I suppose, now that you've 'said the quiet part out loud', I'm somewhat relieved to get what feels like a 'trusted confirmation' that I've been on the wrong (for me) path for a very, very long time. That said, hand-in-hand with this relief/confirmation is a strong sense of regret (that I've wasted so much time trying to be someone/something that doesn't align with my nature), as well as feeling clueless about how to go about [re]discovering my nature at 60+ years old.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Rest assured that you have indeed provided great value and I appreciate it, and you.
I'm a goth girl identifying adult and I love every one of your videos. This one especially 😂 Thanks for making me laugh, Dr Scott ❤ and thank you for all your help. You're my 2nd favourite therapist, second only to the one I'm seeing IRL 😊 Goth girls do be crazy 😂😂😂
This makes total sense to me. My son was like you. Maybe a little bit, still. But I can see a lot of him in you. I agonized over this for years about what he was doing and who he was trying to be; going in a number of different directions. I have seen him take the wake up call of his Father's suicide and finally look at what it is that really is him and he is now doing it and he is much happier. Not perfectly happy but getting there. He may be about 10 years behind his peers but that doesn't matter now. He is on his way and that is what matters. He has started his own business with little money and a lot of expertise from two of my sisters and is moving forward. Not what his Father and I had in mind with the education we paid for but that's life, right?
This makes thought processes crystal clear. It's a great gift to be able to convey to others the answers and information to the questions they have about why they think and feel the way they do.
I'm so happy I listened to this because I don't fit any stereotype that I tried to squeeze myself into, and it's time I try to choose my own story. (I may never fully get there! But for now at least I know this.)
I don't think we're 'meant' to be anything. If you're bland enough, you'll be accepted everywhere simply because you'll be invisible. Standing out demands that you have something unusual to offer which is sufficiently compelling that people ignore the fact that you don't fit it - it's not enough to different, you have to be good at whatever makes you different. The reality is that we don't fit into tidy little boxes that stack easily with other other tidy little boxes. We're like Tetris blocks - our personalities and interests and preferences are an awkward shape that sometimes fits among other awkward shapes if they happen to be arranged in a certain way. And that's OK. Sometimes you won't fit completely, sometimes you won't fit at all, sometimes you are the only one who will fit perfectly. The pain of it is, you may never find that space. Sometimes, close enough is good enough. IDK, compromise a bit if it doesn't hurt. Try your luck.
Interesting insights. Thank you!
omg!
omg!
I have to say I feel incredibly grateful and lucky to have found out about you. As a teen, I feel particularly unsafe and almost threatened often by other older people and adults cuz as a teen, everyone feels like in a position to like tame, guide or get you on the right path(in their opinion) and i know being a teen I'm particularly prone to shaping by the people that surround me so i almost always stay on high guard. But with you i feel very safe and not not accepted or attempted to be changed or put on a path that's not picked by me and therefore, is not me. You've been of quite bit of help to me, thank you!
I just never seemed to directly go after what I really wanted the most...I wish I'd of persued the career I was interested in and I settled for 2 relationships that weren't really me...i ignored the fact im actually a social person & it took 40yrs to become the rocker I am at heart. I wanted to homestead and have a close little self sufficient family in the country building everything ourselves...I was super ambitious and talented and need a challenge but just made too many bad decisions...now I'm burned out alone and totally in debt.
I was devastated having my first realization that who I imagined myself to as an adult was not how I turned out to be. It hurt so badly then, but now to hear someone else talk about the same thing I'm just like well, shit 😆 So many similarities with this one. Rock and metal continue to bring me back "home," but boy have I NEVER fit the archetype of any rocker/emo/metalhead, though I really wanted to as a teen. I thought I would fully blossom into this monster of beautiful adult confidence in college, great physical shape and mental poise, with the tattoos and piercings too. But now I've been accepting how much I lean on my childhood joys (whatever there were) for comfort, and I literally feel like a big forever 12-year-old, easily moved, naive, and just as turbulent. I've been faceplanting back and forth all throughout my 20s, so that's what I run to to feel "safe" again. I guess the only thing I'm so slowly getting better at is being more accountable.
I continue to question who I'm supposed to become since any suggestion people make has never fit me; yet I still don't know what I want per se. I'm trying to "do" all I can to move my adulthood forward, but what I would actually like is to be at the point where anxiety shuts up for once. And I can enjoy the present more often than not, instead of taking my regular mind trips back in time to before adulthood. Feeling so poignantly called out is just uncanny 😂😂
I fail repeatedly. After probably 50 years of drug and talk therapy , I still don’t know what hole this peg is for.
I'm starting to think we need to make our own custom hole for our peg to fit.
the irony is the rural image of your childhood is what i wanted for myself being in a major us city craving some outdoors life
I took down childhood and young adult photos of myself in my grandparents house. My narcissistic brother owns it now and I didn’t want any trace left for him or any of his family to even be reminded of me.
Just before I watched this video, I wrote an email to a friend asking what is the difference between a habit and going with the flow. At 70 I think it might be a little late for me to be asking such questions, but I'm still here and still learning. I think maybe that is the goal of all of my life adventures and misadventures.
Thank you Dr. Scott! Your info is always the most helpful and trustworthy. Not many (if any) medical professionals would ever understand the problems you discuss if they hadn't ever been that situation. Sharing your personal experiences is very helpful for us to understand concepts and adapt the tips and tools you mention to our own needs. I appreciate your entire series of videos more than words can say!
This video is exceptionally awesome 👏
Your personal experience spoke volumes to me; I too had to abandon my efforts to reconstruct myself - and I’m so much happier & content with my own life 🎉
All I've ever wanted since i was 12 was to be a successful novelist, all I've seen so far is catastrophic failure. Hurts even more than my disabling medical conditions
Perhaps, you can publish a short story first.❤️
You could write a novel for yourself, then publish it ;)
You need to write because you feel you have to write, not to say that I'm a writer.
Start small first. That level of success requires that you do the work first (write the novel), and the rest (the accolade) based off luck & other people.
Sorry you're having such a hard time- I only ever "dabbled" in writing and never considered it as something I was interested in pursuing until very recently. I know a little about how intimidating the stare from a blank page can be, but I can only imagine how crushing it must feel to confront failure for one whose first love is to write- you have my empathy.
I'm curious- what challenges have prevented you from achieving your success? What genre(s) do you write in and take inspiration from? What does "successful" mean to you, and what smaller successes have you reached thus far? I saw 2 others' suggestions here that seemed like reasonable approaches to try (I'm actually working on the "writing a novel for myself" idea, haltingly), and a related one would be to online publish your work as a serial on a donation or subscription basis, at least until you've established yourself, and perhaps try other formats such as commentary or some special interest topic that's important to you.
I'm an infant in the writing world so I can't propose to offer much in the way of technical support, but I know how real those characters inside are and how much they want to be heard; that has been the subplot of my own life and is the subject and one of the plotlines I'm trying to explore through my own project. If you still have that 12 year old love of writing inside you and believe you have a talent for it, please don't give up on her or yourself, she's been waiting a long time to be heard. Hope that helps you in some way.😊
Love how real you get. This definitely hit home for me, and thank you for making it, from one therapist to another.
I love you for sharing these, man. All this trying, attempting... Soooo familiar...
Really appreciate your work 💯💯💯 and thank you for everything you do, loyal subscriber here, just want to encourage not generalizing about or stereotyping women based on their musical interests or their appearance. 🙏🏼💖
This is so good , I listened to this on your podcast yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks !
I did the same thing up until about 5yrs ago when I was 60 ,now 65 yrs .
To all of you out there that have happen please think long and hard about your narrative!
Are you who you are supposed to be?
I now except myself as I am and have returned to loving horses and my art ( painting )
You're truly so sweet,Scott. Very personable.
"A man's got to be what he is, Joey, you can't break the mould."
I am a failure compared to everyone I wish I didn't exist
I don't think your logic is true (that's very unlikely, since you are at least better at writing than a lot of people), but I know how you probably feel from my own experience. I hope, we will both find peace in a good way
There is still hope, Don't give up 🫤🌚
ruclips.net/video/cUA4JRs31uU/видео.htmlsi=xYwf7MCzTTsVBJQL
This was very thought provoking for me. It’s making question everything in my life up until this point.
I'm 46 and I've never known what I want to do. I'm pretty much a failure right now.
I've always liked making people laugh, drawing funny little cartoons and writing funny stories. I'm gonna give it a try.
Can I ask... was the CD you bought Tool? They have helped me hugely!
Damn i needed to see this. Ive been feeling myself pulling away from social media induced interests. I was starting to think hmmm maybe i actually dont like these artists…or these clothes, or this style of makeup. It’s okay to be “lame.” I miss liking the things that I like! It feels so good and freeing to revisit the things i liked before!
Yesssss!!! 😁👍❤😊❤😊
Such good advice! Thank you Dr.!❤
This story hits at the same time very close to home, yet doesn´t. I tried to be a metalhead, a hippie, a punk, a "spiritual person", a marxist/leftist kind of intellectual and I always got this feeling, that I am the outsider among the outsiders, putting on a fake persona.
But for me trying to be authentic I kind of ended up almost becoming noone and not in a good way. In the end of the day I need some plan for my life, some direction to go and I just can´t find it, even though I am 33 and already sick, which might have to do with my "interesting" lifestyle...
@einumherirrenderwanderer are we twins? 😂 I get being in your 30's and trying so hard to find a direction, to make a plan, but nothing comes up when you look back on your life and sift through your younger self's ambitions and dreams. I'm wondering if we can't make any progress because we're over-emphasizing this "life plan" bs. My ultimate goal as a child was to get me (hopefully siblings too) away from our family; to be safe! I hate to say I failed miserably and we are all still here running their farm for them 😅 Anyways...maybe we need to start with accepting our directionless-ness. Maybe that IS who we are? Nomads who were just meant to take in the world, to see everything we can, and to make people feel seen. Idk, maybe I'm too far gone to have ever developed a fully independent identity, lmk your thoughts
@@Iron_SnowflakeReminds me of a friend saying one time, sometimes your purpose in life - your soul's purpose, if you like - is just to be here and experience life.
Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves on top of all the challenges of simply existing.
All the best to you.
@@Iron_Snowflake Sorry, I really want to answer to you, but it is hard to do so without sharing half of the story of my life.
But trying to put it very simple: I am okay with just existing, trying not to accomplish too much with my life. But I don´t want to be a burden on others and in a complex, modern world that turns out to be not so easy for a very complex, individualistic person like me.
Yesterday I claimed I was noone, at the moment I feel like this eccentric, overly complicated person. I really should touch some grass, I think. Working on a farm might be actually really helpful to me. Maybe it would not be that hard to achieve for me, even though I know noone who is doing that.
Idk, at this point I so often tried to be anything but a bum, failing again and again...
I think, to some extent we choose who we are, but there are also lots of limits. Its a bit sad to admit it, but I actually tried a lot to be this kind, empathic person. Open to lots of experiences etc.. But the last few months I really reached my limits.
I hope when you are talking about getting away to be safe, you mean "safe from becoming square and boring" and not some wicked stuff. I empathize a lot with that, but hip city life is a whole nightmare of its own...
Good morning Dr Scott! I hope you're having a great day! Here's the hoping I can learn how to!!!
Can't describe how much I needed to hear this today. You are doing great work Scott thank you so much for the perspective and guidance.
I just loved this video. Thank you ever so much for sharing your personal life story.
Thanks for sharing. It comes like a coincidence that your videos came into my algorithm when I am ready to working on healing/integrating, while finally able to acknowledge and let go the things that are not working.
I grew up on the west coast, graduating in 2009, and can see this identity confusion is perhaps a cultural confusion for many (rather than a singular phenomenon).
Another excellent video, Dr. Scott, to which I can relate.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing and for meeting us where we are by sharing g the parts of you that have been there too. Your work is so important and so helpful. Thank you, Scott. Thank you. I appreciate you.
Wow! This is one of your best: so glad you did not try to condense it into less. Thanks so much!
Thank you Doc. I needed to hear this today. And I was ready to hear it as well.
This video really hit home ! Thank you !
Was the metal album by Hatebreed?
That was the only band I know of that speaks a very highly motivated and positive messages. We are all here to be our best selves.
Great work!!
From the doc in the comment section: "The band It was Stuck Mojo - Rising. They have some interesting political perspectives, but the self-development piece really landed for me"
Thank you so much for courageously putting this out. I did need to hear it.
I really like your stories, Scott.
This was a good topic for me to hear about today.
Very helpful to hear your story. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻 ❤
What you speak of reminds me of one of the central challenges of my own life, namely my own identity. My two parents grew up in two different countries. Even though their cultural heritage is quite similar (German and Dutch), one grew up in the USA and the other in Germany. I grew up in the USA but often felt cleaved in two because I felt often very much at home when I would visit Germany. So 2 1/2 years ago I left the USA and embarked on a new chapter. And I am still working to figure out who I am. But I am certainly moving in the right direction. When we pigeonhole ourselves into an identity that simply doesn't align with who we fundamentally are we truly do violence to our own pysches.
Such a good one, thanks Scott.
I love your channel! We have similar roots. One thing that gets me is how folks like you figure these things out while I'm old and learning these things I ought to know by now. Thank you for being brave and making your channel to help people.
Definitely something I needed to hear, and it’s divinely comic that I should see this right after coming back from a contemplative walk, thinking of the things I’m doing which aren’t helpful for me.
Also, I find it most helpful when you and other mental health professionals share their personal stories-it makes the theoretical palpable. Your story about trying to be this aloof bad boy reminded me of when I was in middle school: I had just found my love for classical music, which, for a boy in the Illinois countryside, was not a helpful thing for social inclusion (never mind all the other things, like being gay). In a 6th grade health class, we were talking about ourselves and things we liked and such, and I was incredibly nervous about sharing this music preference, so I mentioned the first band I could think of (which might have been a copy of what one of the hot guys in class had said, lol), which was U2. I doubt I could have even named one song by them (though I knew I had almost certainly heard at least one). Glad my main teacher was very supportive and helped build my courage a little in owning at least that aspect of myself.
Best stories come from the heart ❤️ Thank you for sharing 🙏
Im definitely organizing my life around my toxic parents because I have no where else to live, but it keeps me extremely stuck and rigid. Always struggled with work, authority, anger, making money. Dont see a way out. But I might have to take a risk and live on a farm or something in exchange for a place to stay
Thanks for being so real.
This hurts, in the best possible way. This is me.
This is so relatable and really stroke a chord with me. I’m 35 and still identity with this archetype
So many wonderful people here in the comments! I wish I knew you in real life. 🤗
My life has been weird. I think I'm about the same age as Scott. I've always believed I can do almost whatever I want, but the problem was I never knew what that was. So I kind of became "nothing" (not to minimize myself, I've done a lot of different things because of that, but if I had to tell who I am... I have no idea because there's no such box 😅). And the tragedy is, that I can usually succeed well in anything I end up doing, but most of the time I'm just idleing and not knowing what to do or not being able to concentrate or decide where to start. What a waste of capability! And when I DO know what I want and I finally really try, then I always fail or end up getting some really weird version of what I was hoping for. 😂 WTF is this? And when I don't care so much and I just do something, I succeed. How stupid is that? It's like I was a character in a game and the player had quite a weird sense of humour. Sometimes I finally get the thing I so much wanted... years after I don't wish (or care about) that thing anymore... 🙄
So far I've figured out that letting go (about those important things) may be the key. Maybe I push too hard. I believe it's an energetic thing.
How does that saying go... "Don't die with your music still in you". I think I've heard Wayne Dyer ❤ saying that. I'm afraid that's going to happen to me unless I'm going to live at least a hundred years. And I'm also afraid that I will always be so busy arranging my life to what I want it to be, that I won't have time to live. I always tend to forget to live. And what is that living? Sometimes I have an image in my head, but then I think it will never be like that. Sometimes I don't have a clue. It's just moments here and there, and I'm not happy with that. I'd like to live more in the moment, but I'm always always always in my head. There's no reason for not living almost the life I imagine, but why don't I do that? I'm just lost in my head. There's probably something "wrong" with me. 😂
Maybe I wish I could just be happy for what I do have. After all I've had a life which is full of different things and experiences. It hasn't been boring. And I wouldn't change it to anyone else's life. So yes, I'm grateful. But still at the same time I'm a bit sad how everything has gone, for things that happened and for things that didn't happen. Some huge disappointments, mostly with people. I don't really trust anyone but myself anymore and because of that I've mostly shut down and now I'm even more in my head than I used to be.
Wow, great video. Thank you!
I really enjoyed this one, and would love to see a follow up - perhaps with more specific examples of how to identify this kind of disconnect, and some reflective prompts to help discover what path you're perhaps "meant"/more suited to be on. Thank you for sharing, and for a great video, as usual!