How To Recognize When You're In The Drama Triangle
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- Опубликовано: 3 фев 2025
- Timestamps
1:50 Intro To The Drama Triangle
6:20 Attachment And The Drama Triangle
12:30 Signs You're In The Victim Mindset
19:50 Signs You're In The Persecutor Mindset
31:18 Signs You're In The Rescuer Mindset
Past Drama Triangle Vidoes:
• Attachment Styles & Th...
• Attachment Styles And ...
How To Break Free Of The Drama Triangle & Victim Consciousness
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The GOAT returns
🎉
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💯❤️🔥🥳🤩🥰
Can't be unseen!
I'm so confused 🤔
Heidi out here saving lives. Not all heroes wear capes.
Agreed 💯
Victim mindset
1. Feel anxious about how different person will react
2. Getting caught up on how to display my narrative - to evoke certain feeling instead of authentically communicating my feelings
3. (Long term) feeling self-sabotage
Persecutor mindset
Basis = One person is right, one person is wrong -> doesn’t accept that I may be wrong to some degree
Note = Unintentionally hurting others happens all the time. I am not rational at all times (especially if I’m not taking emotions into account).
1. Have same dysfunctional relationships over and over & can’t see how to break out BECAUSE make me feel superior by making the other person act “weird”
2.Self-rightousness
3. I won’t be okay until they acknowledge their wrong
Rescuer mindset
1. On a moral high horse
2. Consumed with worries of others that they haven’t explicitly stated
3. Feel above having feelings
I never understood why my self sabotaging (staying my room a mess, over eating, and being over weight) always goes toward my parents, until I watched this. (long term victim mind set, starting 16:24 ) I thought it was my way of "getting a revenge" on my parents who were neglective, so that I can hold them accountable. But then I realized it was really just me calling for help and hoping someone would notice that I've been feeling neglected and abandoned.
Not only parents, can also be a disgruntled sibling or other family member
Wow that's a deep realization. How has it impacted your life? Have you changed your subconscious approach with the self sabatoge habits?
So at parties in Japan, you’re not allowed to pour your own drink. If you want a drink, you have to pour someone else’s first and then they will pour yours. If you’re thirsty but the other person’s glass is full then you just pour a drop and they know exactly what to do. Your story at the end about wanting your friend to communicate first so you could communicate next was what made me think of it. It’s so much like pouring drinks in Japan! :)
that’s a beautiful analogy
THANK CHRIST YOU'RE BACK and with a 40 minute long video as well. Of course you owe the online community nothing, but I, and as I can see, everyone else below and above, is very happy to see you again. :) Hope you're well and thank you for being an incredible resource on attachment theory - you have helped me heal massively.
What does Christ have to do with it?
@@Willowdog08 who they want to thank is none of your concern…
@@deez4evs yes it is. Brainwashed freaks in my community affect me.
@@Willowdog08Christ is what is good true and beautiful
hear hear!
One of the best things about you is that it's clear from your voice that you are not trying to shame people. Pretty rare for someone who is teaching others deep stuff they're not conscious about.
Why would anyone teaching abused people be trying to shame them? People end up stuck in this sort of thing because they were abused by other damaged people.
I know it's a useful episode for me at the moment because I caught myself a few times thinking "Oh yeah, that was me in that situation, all other things being equal" or "I was expecting her to say something different, but what she said does make sense". Thanks again
This is the one of the clearest, most insightful explanation of the drama triangle I’ve ever heard. Thank you.
I can not believe how helpful your content is. You deserve to be broadcasted in general education!
WOW. That part about self-sabotage as "a testament to our past pain" just nailed and validated everything I've needed to hear. That alone is pure gold. THANK YOU!
I feel like I bounce between all three (victim, persecutor, rescuer) pretty regularly. I especially resonated with choosing partners that I feel superior to. This was something I finally realized at the end of my last relationship and have been working through but honestly I'm kind of stuck. Not sure what the next step is beyond recognizing the behavior 🤔.
I do the same thing in relationships. Then when they are not holding me up on a pedestal, I am appalled. When they hurt me and act like they don't care, my ego gets triggered big time. I know I choose partners that I perceive as less than me in order to feel secure. I am not sure how to stop doing that either but hopefully this video series will help us to have more awareness. ❤️
yeah, the partner one hit hard. I always chose people who cared about me more than I did, ones I was not 'too excited about' but it looked super secure. It ends up with feeling shitty about not leaving them to people who will love/respect them more. I've been single for years (swore off doing the same pattern until I could 'properly invest myself), but just starting to scratch the surface of the level of internal disfunction, lol
There's a book mentioned at 1:20 - how to break free of the drama triangle - which might be good to start with. Personally, I found that understanding we all move in and out of all 3 when we're not conscious of what we're doing or expecting from others is completely normal. Any partner (or friend, etc) can let us act like a rescuer or persecutor when we're not recognising our own power and creativity (in terms of what we want and how we act).
Omgosh this is 1000% how I’ve wasted my life! And I’m done. Thank you for the hard look in the mirror.
Your videos are so good at putting my vague thoughts and feelings into words, validating and clarifying them. I also love how you're don't sugarcoat anyhing, but you're still so empathetic and non-aggressive. Your perspective is wise and much-needed.
omg omg OMFG!! I've lived my entire life in the persecutor mindset!!! 😱
Omg!!!!! I’ve been saying to myself for years.”stop biting off your nose to spite your face Amy”
I felt like deep down I self sabotage over and over to punish my Mom”
Like I won’t allow her to be proud of me because she would think the way she treated me was fine.
I needed to hear this soooooo much ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
This is one of the most useful things I've ever read/heard in my quest to understand the unhealthy relationship cycles I've been stuck in for decades. Now I see that a central part of my addiction is getting in relationship with someone to whom I can feel superior, which is--as you point out here--quickly followed by resentment and disrespect on my part. Even when I date someone without glaring areas of disfunction, I will FIND something to pathologize! Thank you so much. I finally feel like I know where to focus my healing.
Amazing - so much more clarity about this complex subject matter that affects every single person. Wow - thank you Heidi - I look forward to watching more of your videos!
We are all so excited that you're back and with a new video! We all appreciate your role and guidance in our healing. Thank you. 😊 ... And we hope that you are well and all is peaceful in your life.
I feel like this is related to the concept of being an "adult child". Like you have so many child parts that are traumatized and have arrested development that you don't even have a map of how to meet your needs directly. You don't have a map and the concept of being direct and actually owning your needs is terrifying. I'm looking forward to the "how to heal this" videos!
Omg, when I started watching, I thought the only mindset I never have is the victim mindset. 10 minutes into the video and.it turns out my primary mode is the victim mindset. 😮😮😮thank you Heidi
I have never felt so called out in my entire life
1,000 likes with 15,000 views is insane. These videos change lives no joke. Heidi and her audience are so connected!!!
I've taught Drama Triangles to clients for yearrrsss. Definitely sending them the link to your video afterwards for further exploration. I deeply appreciate your tie-ins to attachment styles!
Learn to communicate your needs without manipulating the next person. Give them the choice to react to that need . Wether they choose to meet the need or not, ask yourself if you are okay with the feedback n make a sound decision if staying in the relationship with the need being met or not being met is what you truly want. Or see if a compromise can be reached where both parties needs are met… Communicate clearly ‼️.
This is very educational thank you
Honestly that part about becoming hyper independent and it being a way you suppress your needs from others by tricking yourself into thinking you can just get all your own needs from yourself was the part I had to rewind because dang that part actually hit.
It gave me so much joy to see you getting your mojo back in real-time after a little bit of a stoic start. You're clearly meant to be doing this. Thank you!
Now to watch it at least 10 more times and speak about it to everyone that does or does not care to listen 😅
Oh my goodness. Never heard of the drama triangle before, but I’m in it 🤦🏻♀️. Recognise myself as victim,, and my ex as persecutor. Moving on swiftly to the next video about this. Thank you Heidi, you have a gift at communicating these inter-personal dynamics in such an understandable and relatable wsy.
Hey, she's back. Welcome back, the stranger on the internet who helped me a lot.
Welcome back! And what a great video! I find I'm playing the Victim role and am struggling to find a way out, and have often put myself in the Rescuer role, so I'm really looking forward to the rest of this series. My AP side was highly activated a couple years ago during a friendship/roommate situation with a FA/DA who was deep in the midst of working through a lot of trauma stuff. Needless to say, that did not go well. We have since reconciled, yet after a number of attempts on my part of trying to meet for a cup of coffee or a walk or something, I've realized she still has a lot going on, and therefore unavailable to engage in our friendship. I miss her a lot and still hope that one day she'll find a way out of the overwhelm. I've taken a few steps to make my way out of the Victim role and could really use guidance for more ways. So,as I said before...looking forward to the rest of this series. Thanks Heidi!
Wow I relate with 18:55 I won't change until you change. In other words, I will continue to be miserable so that you feel the guilt of doing wrong to me.
A very good explanation of how the drama triangle can be implicit within your own behaviour, without you even realising. I am new to this but it is so enlightening, especially when looking back at past events and interactions with others.
This is phenomenally helpful, thank you so much for this! I have definitely been caught in the drama triangle and am working to get myself out of it. I especially like to put myself in the rescuer state which is wildly unhealthy. I am 100% in a place where I am ready and willing to work on this and make myself the best I can be. This video could not have come at a better time for me. I'm excited to follow this journey!
Heidi!!!! You cant abandon us like that!!! You know most of us have anxious attachment style lol Seriously, happy to see you back again ❤
YOU'RE BACK! 🎉❤
I’m making myself listen to this… I have a feeling it’s gonna be hard cuz I’m so hard on myself and so ambitious yet stuck in self sobotage but I have a bit of hope that this might help give me a mental reboot… so here I am
Excited to see that you’re back and can’t wait to watch this video! I had heard of the drama triangle before in the context of trying to understand my relationship with a past partner with BPD, but you’re the first I had ever seen connect it to insecure attachment styles. You are right that as a FA, I have naturally been drawn to a rescuer/helper role in relationship to prove my worth. And if early on in dating someone I get the sense that the other person is trying to occupy that role I generally pull away from that relationship because I feel especially adverse to being pushed into a victim role. But also since processing that bad relationship, I am more mindful of my rescuing proclivities and have become adverse to dating someone who I feel like wants me to rescue them. So I guess that’s some kind of progress?
I literally just thought of you yesterday and got an idea to somehow reach out to let you know that you are missed❤ and it’s been too long🥹 but decided to give it one more day. And I can’t believe this, but here you are😍 Thanks, Universe!
(Looks like the message was sent after all🙌🏼)
Heidi, I feel compelled to just stop video right now and tell you that you are something else! (ENFP as well, over here.) I subscribed to your channel about halfway through the very first video of yours I came across about a year and a half ago bc I was completely thrown off balance by the feeling that I was listening to to myself -Future Me- who has traveled back in time to help me shift perspective and lift me out of my head/life to suck in some air. In the past, I had always leaned towards truth in Meyers/Briggs and attachment theory but you cemented it for me.. even before you said you were ENFP as well I had never had the feeling that someone's mind flowed so much like mine! You speak and share information so similarly... I can almost see your wheels spinning in thought as you chose your words. The familiarity was almost disconcerting. I am kind of alone in the world and it is therapeutic to use your catalog as a source of insight & new source material to explore in therapy. It can feel like advice from an old friend. The benefits cover across all areas of my life.
Your confidence has grown too and it shows.. It's like the channel has reached a certain maturity. Same with content. I listen to you a lot while cleaning and gardening and usually my mind finds space to wander but I keep finding reasons to stop, rewind, and shake my head at the profundity of what you just said or how you said it. Like "AH-HA!!" 🤯 moments all the time!
Thank you so much, truly.
Jude 😊😊😊
So glad you're back! Your original videos on drama triangle was a huge paradigm shift!
This is wonderfully informative. I can see how i have fallen into the "victim' role, even though on a day to day basis I am independent and take care of myself, when I get close to people that fear they won't understand me kicks in and I find myself being emotionally manipulative. I don't want to, and at first I could not control it. As I am growing I know that while that propensity is still there, if I slow my responses down I have better control.
Welcome back, Heidi… I wondered why you hadn’t been here, and if you are OK. Glad to see you are!
I think you are one of the brightest and smartest of this ilk, and I follow and watch a lot of videos of a similar nature. Kudos to you, and I hope all is well!
Best, transplanted Canuck…
I've saved your video to rewatch again later. A lot to take in... I'm an ENFP Type 4 who has just gone MIA on friends and family. I so badly need to feel understood. It places me in victim mode for certain! Looking forward to your next videos on this topic. Dankie, Heidi!
I would like to suggest an alternative perspective to the “long term victim mindset” where you are unable to heal and move on or fix your life; I spent my whole life trying to fix my life and working towards it for a time until the same problems which continuously felt and experiences that I tried to fix each time it failed was before I had no idea or understanding that the problem wasn’t what was actively occurring but have learned from these videos that the problem was how I perceived myself and my understanding of reality as a result of the lies learned from childhood… and with this knowledge it finally becomes worth trying one last time to pick myself up and try again with this new information
Thank you for this video! I just wish I’d found and watched it sooner for my beautiful relationship‘s sake. I’m working on bettering myself and I hope I can fix what I have done with the love of my life. Thank you for helping me on my journey!
This is incredible and also I want to note - does not translate well to describe processes to balance social injustice, where there are clear patterns of power imbalance and deep harm. There is an extremely dangerous oversimplification of the archetype “victim” in mainstream thought/discourse and sometimes these platforms can amplify that. Cultural competencies and humility is super valid and important. We just do not all have the same experiences. Really love your work!
Agree
it's been only two weeks since this video was uploaded still i've found myself coming back to it multiple times (by far). everytime it adds a new perspective to the point i realised i've taken all these roles once i put myself in different situation like interpreting a specific one depending on the circumstances i was coming across. thank you so much for creating this environment of self awareness by spreading your knowledge about these models depicting of human complexity
OMG!!! I've missed your amazing expertise and insight. WELCOME BACK LOVELY!!! ❤❤❤
Köszönjük!
I love this! this is more of a how to guide. How to recognize your manipulations: thank you
NO, YOU WELCOME BACK!!! You have been missed. Big thanks!
Than you so much. I did not realize that I was a playing a part in a drama triangle, neither that it existed. I am very happy that I did though, because I have been playing a role in it for some time. Time to improve.
This was great. I never pieced together that our repressed needs were the root cause of manipulating to get our needs met. As a fearful avoidant (and Christian) I felt that I was evil or bad for manipulating to get my needs met rather than expressing how I felt and what I needed honestly. I felt like everything was a lie and that would snowball into toxic self-shame, lying against my will and further emotional repression.
As you recommended that book, it occurred to me that I've listened to multiple books' worth of your content. Thank you for doing what you do!
Recently found out I had went through ab*se as a child (in addition to a lot of bull*ing!), and this makes so much sense.
Heidi, your videos are so good that I so want to binge watch them all, but instead I choose to savour them slowly and really think about and try to implement what was said. All the best and please continue making them! ❤
Lord have I missed you! ❤
Such an overload of new insights on this one! I just started watching your videos a few weeks ago and started learning more on attachment. By far, you offer THE MOST wisdom and deepest insights on these deep-rooted topics and issues. Thank you immensely for what you do!
Hit home on several points. Maybe all of ‘em. A lot of people may be able to benefit from this if they’re ready to help themselves.
Heidi, I just discovered you a few days ago, and you just blow me away. Your insights and maturity you display at such a young age is amazing. Thank you for all the work and prep you put into these amazing videos.
I had never heard of this and never in a million years would I have thought I would relate. It turns out I have all the signs including the long term and never had any idea why, much less that they were related. I have not seen the video about the drama triangle, it may explain there but I recognized myself in every single role described and I’m not sure if that’s common? Very eye opening, I already feel a heaviness starting to lift. Looking forward to the next one. Thank you ❤
I’m so happy that I’ve found your channel.
Priebe, you've outdone yourself. And that's hard to do. 👏👏👏✨✨✨✨
I only discovered you two months ago and I think I've watched all of your videos, so glad to see a new one!
Idk if it's synchronicity or coincidence, but I needed this video today 🎉❤
YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!
I missed you so much; but at the same time, I completely understand that you have your own life to to take care of. I'm just glad that you're back. Thank you so much for this content, I find so much value from your videos and I don't think you understand how much you have contributed to my growth. I'm purely grateful and I wish you the best.
Thank you for the clarity around this topic. It was so very helpful for me & I appreciate your teaching style.
This is one of the best channels on YT imo.
This video is one of the best videos of Heidi. I have watched this video many times and everytime i have learned something new.
*presses download button*
Welcome back Heidi! Great topic and I'm looking forward to watching the whole video later today
This was a really great explanation of the drama triangle. It's definitely complex. I recognized that engaging in multiple angles of the triangle is possible. This brings so much clarity while also revealing certain tendencies. Thank you for your work with the world. You are wonderful.😍
My home girl Heidi back at it again…back at it to win! 💪🏾❤️💪🏾❤️
I'm soooooooooooo glad your back!! Been rewatching your content a lot in the meantime and was so thankful that it was still there. But of course I really enjoy new content as well :)
I’m so thankful that I found this video. Put a lot of things in perspective for me. I’m looking forward to the next videos to get my life back on track.🙏
I love your videos because even when they aren’t always for me, they are always informational or have another perspective that is explained but not targeted. It’s great to listen to. I hope that you can make one in the future for how to let anger that is hard to let go go. I hate seeing and hearing things from people that hurt others that haven’t done anything or can’t help it (ex: anxiety, not the actions from it, I’m talking about the feeling itself). I’m struggling trying to figure out how to overcome or get through this situation where this person said someone kind of ignorant about their significant other. I don’t want to feel this way but I don’t know how to stop the feeling when what she said wasn’t okay.
Wow, what you said about " keeping yourself stuck in a bad situation" at 16:40! This is exactly what I have been doing, this is breakthrough information for me and my situation
Glad you’re back! Since learning about the Drama Triangle (and reading The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic) i have made leaps and bounds in my healing.
Looking forward to the upcoming videos 😊
Heidi this is the best clearest and most practical Drama Triangle Information I have ever come across ( bought the book you recommend too) - you pack so much info in I’ve had to relisten a few times- I would love a transcript- I’m so looking forward to more 🙏💜
You're back! And this video couldn't have better timing!!! 😊😅
Yasss! She's back 🎉
I’ve never heard of this, but really glad I did today. I have played all 3 of those rolls
Holy buckets, I'm so glad I've found your channel.
Thinking I’m Not a bad person is pretty hard right now, thank you for the guidance.
OMG, the urge to fix and fawn are nagging at me after a long period of peace. I know I'll stay in my lane but I will def need to keep listening to a lot of videos right now after a family member contacted me today.
You're back!
Exiting persecutor mindset:
->discussing needs that are in conflict
In relation to others:
Discuss what the boundaries and dealbreakers of each party are
This can also look like
Having the same problems in romantic relationship and having the same patterns
In reality, Relationships that work are relationships where both parties are able to deeply acknowledge the other’s preferences and figure out compromises that they’re both willing to make in order to accommodate those preferences
I hope you know just how helpful these videos are for so many people! You've helped me realize I need to get some therapy to work on healing my anxious attachment style, and I'm really thankful for all your advice!!
This one was absolutely amazing. So eye-opening. Thank you.
Hi Heidi, all this stuff came out of my Childhood ,some kind of Superior mindset.. to me all that is unconscious, in regards to the Triangle 🔺️ ✨️
"What name is on this ID??" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I am SO using this! Absolute gold!
Thanks!
Heidi, this totally resonated with me. So many things in my past make so much more sense, and I've even stopped myself once or twice during heated discussions because of some of what you covered about the drama triangle (I watched all the drama triangle videos over several lunch hours lol). I'm working on getting to a more secure attachment style, and this gave me some insight into the types of things I have done (and probably will do again) which hindered past efforts to do so.
Thanks so much!
4:36, oh, shelley put me in a drama triangle.
Please never stop making this! Have you considered starting a book club? It would very successful I’m sure.
Miss Priebe, Thanks, all of this resonates. I like to pride myself on being authentic, but at this point my mind and body are wavering between fury and sadness. The best I can do is say I am glad I clicked on this video. I really want to speak from a point of neutrality, but before acknowledging all the truths I heard I want to give my body and mind some time .
Hi Heidi. Thanks so much for all your amazing content! I just got out of a relationship with a partner that was pretty clearly ill suited for me but, nonetheless, I wasn’t really ready for it to end. During our final conversation we definitely switched drama triangle roles back and forth. Honestly, it’s still raw and I’m sad (and metabolizing my emotional pain, thanks for the help there) but watching your videos has really given me a clearer view of what was going on and going wrong. Thanks so much!
Heidi, PLEASE write a book.
This video was suggested at the exact right time
for me.
Thank you so much for your work!
Thank you so so much!! I was stuck on my self healing journey and this was exactly what I needed!! ❤❤❤
Cool, a new vid! Was just checking the channel yesterday if anything new was there 🙏
Hey Heidi! I loved your energy, and thanks so much for this honest dissection of the drama triangle --- best explanation I've come across and I feel encouraged to face myself without feeling shameful. Have marked this video as a reference to come back to in times of need. 💙