I truly felt unconfortable listening to this and a few times simply hated and felt suspicious towards you. Then realized that truth hurts. Thank you, this might just be life changing, it's a radical paradigm shift for me.
You are the person I want to hang with! This tote of self awareness is exactly the journey so many folks need but are too scared to do. You're doing it and you should be proud! Love to you, I wish you all the peace and happiness! ❤
@@jenaya_laila2442so what are you doing here going over (back to) basics I do wonder? Aware of the triggering effect your commentary has, it’s also apparently nothing bearing/offering nowt but self service, in my perspective.
1. Learn to recognise when you are triggered/ what it feels like and how to interact with integrity or develop system to fall back to protect ourselves(and what not to do) to not be reactive 2. Learn to process your emotions with matured non drama triangle based people (develop social network for getting balanced perspective). 3. Which unmet need you project and learn to meet needs? Inner triggers - protect your inner child by changing your self to meet needs. 4. Figure out relationship norms and preferences and respect other’s preferences and norms without guilting, shaming and blaming. 5. Learn to understand what you ready to lose and let go off, to not lose self respect and opportunity cost. Anywhere honest vulnerable conversation can turn to unsafe situation, it’s worth losing the battle. Don’t enable to win stupid price. Set boundaries and move on with your life and play right games in life.
"People are going to put words in your mouth and accuse you of things that are inaccurate when they are in persecution mode. People are going to act like they will not be okay if you don't rescue them when they are in victim mode. People are going to try to create a dynamic where you are dependent on their help when they are in rescuer mode." 30:30
65, I'm on the same train with you, we don't have a schedule and the route may vary, but the journey is worth it. This C-PTSD is like muddied water, this work will let the water clear so we can better navigate what's underneath.
I cannot thank you enough for helping me keep my head on my shoulders right now. I'm going through a breakup and whenever I am triggered or tempted to do something that puts me back in the drama triangle, I open one of your videos and it immediately calms me down.
True. I stumbled upon Heidi's article in Thought Catalog years ago when I broke up. Now her videos always on top of my list when it comes to self healing
I love how you said that people have the right to be in the drama triangle or be narcissistic. I have a history of trying to “help” my family out of these patterns
That’s so hard for me. I feel like everyone has to do what’s right, and I’m always striving towards that in myself. It’s very rooted in perfectionism which I am slowly loosening my grip on. 😅
it hurts to hear this, but i caused drama triangle, and becoming more and more into the victim mindset, and i hope with getting help, i can get better, thank you very much for creating this
I never thought of the drama triangle as something I could be involved with outside of a direct interpersonal relationship, simply in my own mindset as an individual. I now realize this is a major problem for me. The title really defines it - I waste a significant amount of time, like, an UNBELIEVABLE amount of time getting self righteous in comment sections on youtube and reddit, and I do this precisely when there is something in the here and now I definitely need to be focusing on. I've always thought it was just focus issues or basic ADHD procrastination/hyperfixation, but this video really wakes me up to the fact that falling into the drama triangle is a maladaptive coping mechanism when I am feeling insecure or incapable about a task in the present. I will lose focus on the task at hand as my my mind fixates on writing the perfect comment to some stranger on the internet about some random topic - sometimes this will be a rescuer role, where I feel this duty to share my experience and advice to someone I feel I can help. Sometimes it will be persecutor, where I will rant about some perceived injustice in society or a cultural norm. Or, I'll be in the victim role, getting lost on CPTSD related youtube channels and reddit pages where I can write and write and write about my experience as a victim and lament with other commenters. Comment section communities are great in moderation, but I'm letting the temptation to use these comments sections as a daily whirlwind into the drama triangle majorly cut into the precious time I have each day to do what I really need to be doing. Heck, I'm doing it right now! Just when I think I know everything about attachment, trauma, and mental health, there you go Heidi Priebe, proving me wrong and continuing to show me new perspectives for my own personal betterment. Keep doin' what you do.
Feeling so called out, cringey embarrassed, laughing in relief because you shed some light on a fuzzy area that I was aware existed but didn't know how to make sense of. Thank you for everything you've worked on and shared with the world!
"Maybe the worst thing you can possibly imagine is your partner sleeping with someone else. And you might think, "Yeah, that's a pretty universal preference, I don't necessarily have to communicate or enforce a boundary around that." But, somewhere out there, at this exact moment in time, there is someone who has been scouring the internet and has just learnt the word 'compersion'" Heidi, as a poly person (who always discloses it right at the beginning of a relationship) this sentence made me genuinely laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in such a methodical way, your channel is truly one of my favourites on RUclips!
Thanks Heidi for one more awesome, in-depth video on drama triangle. You are doing such a wonderful job. I’ve been listening to your videos since last few months and they have really helped me immensely to heal and recover from my childhood conditioning. Stay blessed.
22:11 Very important realisations to have. "People have the right to...." Thanks for putting it into these words. Really resonated with me and helps internalise this fact of life.
Yep the amount of suffering I have caused myself by not acknowledging this fact is immense. Esp when i go into victim " why are they ..?" And then persecutor "I'll work out their .... And then change how they behave!" Urgh, what a painful habit to perpetuate :( I need to hear this daily for the foreseeable future
I take pride in being capable of exerting myself to meet the (unreasonable) expectations of others in savior mode, but after these occasions I need to be alone and recollect myself, which takes longer than I would like. It is very hard for me to state my needs because I fear being called a slacker, like I am not putting enough work into the relationship. Being in savior mode doesn't make me feel triggered or petty, it makes me feel competent. However, I do notice the years wasted by working so hard to live up to standards which, in hindsight, didn't really lead me to achieve goals that were important.
So that’s the one thing I have a problem in this video. Why savior is always the triangle thing? How can we show support and compassion to others? I don’t like “friends” who only like me at my best and mostly happy state. But when I’m upset and feel lost - I feel like they don’t care. So as how I feel about others - if a friend matter to me - I’ll be there for him/her, otherwise we’re left only with superficial and convenient connections.
Just wow. I’m only half way through this video. But. Wow. It’s mind blowing. I’ve really been walking around life entering relationships expecting that it’s normal to spend my life and energy changing the other person, helping them grow up. I feel like this video is showing something that must be so obvious to normal people. And yet such a deeply ingrained assumption (incorrect assumption) in my personality…. That I didn’t even realize this is where I’m operating from. I’m gonna have to watch this a few times.
I'm not done with the video yet, but this video is SO timely 😳🤯 my mind is BLOWN. As a budding psychologist, ENFP Virgo I'm always looking to better myself. This video makes me wanna rewatch and take notes 📝 and like really unpack some stuff. Wow. I'll edit with updates if anyone wants me to share 🤷🏾♀️
Yes. I'd love to hear more of your experience. Perhaps I can do that same. The last (and first) video on drama triangle by Heidi was pretty useful and mind opening as well.
This is a breath a fresh air! Really reinforces that the only person you can change is yourself, you are not entitled to try to change anyone to better serve yoh
Incredibly eye-opening series. These videos are so concise and well-expressed that I think the time spent watching and re-watching your videos is more valuable than time spent with a therapist (even factoring out the cost!).
I love your drama triangle videos! 🥰 They recently helped me to regulate myself when I was extremely dysregulated and nothing could calm me. I'm so thankful for the content you put out. This knowledge is literally life-saving. I don't know what I would have done without this knowledge two weeks ago. It helped me recognize why I was in so much pain. I feel like working on leaving "the drama triangle" (which I absolutely didn't know I was in) will finally help me heal so that I can start living life to the fullest. Thank you so much!
Excellent straight shooting video. You can't have growth without personal responsibility. The blame game keeps you stuck and still not getting your needs met, and to me that's the name of the game .
Thank you Heidi. This past weekend I watched your video about Depression survival guide. It was so helpful - so deatiled. Probably the best I've ever watched. I'm so grateful I found your channel. Thank you!
Your work is such a gift to humanity. Thank you for taking the time to compose these clear, logically built up explanations and explaining in such a kind and gentle and non intimidating and non smartass manner, just pure help. I send you a huge hug of gratitude and relief. Thank you for blessing us with your wisdom
You have an incredibly insightful, practical and helpful approach to understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle. Never quite heard it explained like this with realistic suggestions on how to live a meaningful, rewarding self-directed life.
1. Have a system for when I’m triggered (have unconscious hidden need) 2. Disengage & come back later [not safe], or become vulnerable and overtly state that I’m triggered [safe] 3. Process my emotions with close and mature people - 아첨쟁이 말고 양쪽 입장을 고려할 수 있는 사람 4. Notice which needs I tend to project -> set boundaries on them 5. Figure out my relationship preferences and norms & Accept that others can have theirs ** Dramatic people have the right to be dramatic. Same for narcissistic,self-victimizing. ** I can’t change them. I can only decide whether I’ll keep engaging with them. 6. Communicate expectations & boundaries explicitly 7. Identify which interpersonal battles I’m willing to lose in order to win my self-respect ** Some people might stay in the drama triangle (can’t be honest with them). There’s an opportunity cost to stay there. If you can’t disengage completely, just losing those battles may be the optimal solution (give up being honest with them). ** Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
“This is not a formula for an easy life. This is the formula for not wasting your life on things like refusing to identify and make clear what you actually want out of it” -HP
Whenever I am ready to make more progress in what has been a decades-long healing process that includes managing CPTSD triggered dysregulation as well as profound behavioral and perception changes, I discover just the right person to guide and accompany me in taking the next steps. Even six months ago, I was not ready to hear what you are saying. I even felt a bit put off by you and much of what you say. Today I am ready to hear and learn from almost everything you say. I don't agree with everything, but there are important lights on my path inside every video. And how did you suddenly become so likeable as well?😆 I write this mostly to let you know that I am deeply grateful that you are sharing your knowledge and wisdom here. Thank you.
Damn. This video is so helpful. I can see how much I have been persecuting people for their choices instead of honoring my own. Really helpful to see this!
Hey Heidi-I hit the self-help resource point of diminishing returns ten years ago. I am always grateful to stumble upon a person who provides non-redundant content. You are one of them. I take issue with something you said here and that I’ve heard from you in other varieties elsewhere-I hope that, at the very least, my perspective is interesting to process. Who knows-maybe you’ll agree. I can tell that, like me, you care a lot about discernment between truths and falsehoods. My opinion is that you deviate from what is true when you guide us to refrain from perceiving moral rights and wrongs, as if morality is toxic. In reality, “shoulds” and “should nots” are real *and* critical to our personal growth and sense of clarity, wholeness, and meaning. While emotionally immature people often make the mistake of moralizing non-moral issues (for example, contempt because their preference differs from another’s), I see you explicitly un-moralizing legitimately moral issues. The government is not my moral conscience. To argue that something is okay because it’s legal is to enforce a false premise. Marital rape was legal until relatively recently, for example. The ways in which emotional immaturity causes a person to behave toward others *is* a moral issue, and I think that when you include disclaimers which cater to the most fragile egos in your audience, you fail to stick to the truth, you deny our moral intuition, you infantilize/insult us, and-most importantly-you indirectly tell the targets of bad behavior that the way they were treated was not wrong. Might you consider reframing your disclaimers, addressing that everyone has the responsibility to *both* radically accept themselves (as in, be free of toxic shame and take the problem behavior seriously as a survival tactic they once needed) and to be respectful to others? Bad behavior and bad person are distinct. When we falsely let wrongdoings “off the hook” we aim to protect the wrongdoer’s dignity. In truth, we are reinforcing that it was/is okay for people to wrong *them* in that way. Finally: asserting the “rights” of people to be projective, narcissistic, etc. falsely portrays those traits as conscious choices. It also negates the tragedy of the invisible and needless prison imposed upon them due to childhood trauma. It is not totally okay that so many people are split from themselves, from reality, and from how they disrespect and hurt people. While we should not obsessively attempt to change that about anyone, I consider it my moral duty to say what people don’t want to hear sometimes. I wish someone had clued me in before I had to grow up the extremely hard way. It is my strong and unwavering opinion that my siblings *should* learn to love and respect themselves. I feel angry with my golden child brother for, during many months of focusing entirely on his mental health, failing to address his two biggest blind spots: our father and me. Until he stops avoiding reality, he will have to perceive me in an unrealistically negative way. He is wronging me by not bothering to take that facet of our relationship seriously. He is also suffering from the reason he avoids regarding our father realistically, and I am angry *on his behalf* for it. Both things are true. Phew. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I’m a big fan of you and recommend your channel frequently. 💛💛💛💛💛
This video was painful to watch as I was drowning in shame from having to admit to myself that I was responsible. I need to stop doing this to myself, it's just that I can't imagine any other way to exist. Thank you, I will keep coming back to this until I'm able to speak about it with the same enthusiasm as you do. ♡
I watched this video last night and it knocked me over the head while I was at work today what you were talking about. It makes so much sense! This actually did cause a lot of my problems. I had a hunch for a while that something like this was up, but I couldn't formalize it or put it into words. Thank you for making this video! I feel like my life going forward might be slightly more peaceful.
Just watching the first part now. My problem is that sometimes I fully recognize when I'm triggered, I just get so wrapped up in the emotion that I don't care. I'm able to see what the trigger is, I just don't care. I'm able to see that I'm acting irrationally, but I don't care. I have gotten to the point where I remove myself from the situation so I can be angry elsewhere, so that's good. My angry reactions to things like feeling abandoned are definitely rooted in my abandonment issues from childhood, but more importantly the fact that I was forced to abandon one of my parents. Annnnnd I actually did not know that last part until I started writing this haha. Cool. It totally makes sense because when my dad was upset with himself he would get angry and take it out on someone else. Not only did I learn that behavior, but I missed him and perhaps part of me decided to take on his role so I could be closer to him. Hot damn, I got something to journal about. Edit: just pressed play again and you are immediately talking about reflections of the past. You rock, Heidi.
absolutely incredible knowledge! Am currently trying to recover from ending a 3 year relationship entrenched in the drama triangle. Desperately looking for answers to what happened as we are both intelligent people but our relationship dynamic was car crash! You are the only expert I have come across that can truly explain, define and show examples of what has been happening - it is so comforting, enlightening, and actually life saving! Huge thank you for your in-depth videos, you are leagues above everyone else on RUclips in your field ❤
I don’t have a big enough pool of people (as you suggest) to go off and just stop associating with people and connect with new people. Ugh. It’s not easy just creating new best friends, or a new mother, or a new child. - Love your videos by the way. You’re so well spoken.
Heidi, and followers, as a fearful avoidant, this is the most important video I have seen. Thank you! BTW, I feel as though you know me, maybe it's just my type.
So many important things covered. Amazingly well-done. I’m going to listen to this a few times to digest it. I found myself saying to myself “yikes! That’s me..”thank you for this.
Oh, my. What you said. About grabbing a snack and being well rested. I stopped the video shortly past 2 minutes. This one is rich. Recovering from a cold, I have no appetite and do not feel well rested. Still need broth and naps. Maturing intentionally. I'm nearly 72 years old and comforted by my own gratitude for knowledge of the drama triangle. I admit, the degree and amount of personal accounting literally feels nauseating not simply in the gut, but all over. So? Practicing the DBT STOP skill, after saying all that, I'm ready to relisten to the first 2 minutes of this video. Thank you for sharing your wealth of information and your gift for teaching.
Thank you very much, Heidi. I have never heard of "The Drama Triangle" before. It is really illuminating to listen to what you have described. I've learned some essential things from you in the past few months about the influence of different attachment styles as well as about The Drama Triangle. I'm familiar with the concept of attachment styles. It makes a difference to hear them described in relationship & situational contexts. Everyone could benefit from knowing about both.
Thanks for calling me out on my shit as usual. You really do have a way of cutting right to the heart of it. What you said about not inadvertently going into Persecutor mode while using Attachment Theory as to others. Especially the idea of not trying to shape people in my life to meet certain needs or have certain qualities instead of finding people with those qualities really did hit home for my FA self. Like on some level I already knew this but you delivered it in such a clear and actionable way that it’s prevented me from acting on those impulses and given me a path forward.
Heidi, I can't thank you enough for sharing your education, personal experiences, and attachment style evolution into a secure mindset. I have watched so many of your videos now. I feel like I couldn't have found a better RUclips spirit animal to help me through this difficult transition out of a dysfunctional anxious/avoidant relationship. You have both helped me understand my shadow side and face the negative attributes that I am perpetuating. You helped me feel less insane and finally able to frame the heartbreaking patterns of the drama triangle and the confusion from being gaslit into accepting all of the blame for the dysfunction in my relationship. This has led to me being emotionally stronger and able to let go of someone I deeply love, but is deep within a drama triangle that I can no longer allow to interfere with my emotional, social, and professional stability. It's incredibly sad and emotionally complicated to let a relationship like this go, because as you explained, the urge to correct the false narrative can keep you in a pattern of coming back to correct the slander an ex can spread like a virus. I can't stop that. Thank you for saying it out loud. It's one of the last strings I need to release so that I do not lose any more of my valuable time being sucked into the anxious/avoidant relationship pitfalls. The amount of hours lost over the last year and a half to drama weighs heavy on me. Lots of lost opportunity for professional growth and passed social activities from being emotionally exhausted and depressed. I wish I would have watched this video one year ago. This relationship was chaos from day two. I wish I knew then what I know now, thanks to you. 😁🙏
Excellent, informative video, as usual! Your advice reminds me so much of a book I read this past weekend, "Whole Again" by Jackson Mackenzie. Thank you for helping so many of us heal. ❤❤❤
This is awesome. Could you break down the part around 36 minutes where you talk about where if you win the drama triangle, you win a stupid prize? Would love to hear some real life examples to get more clear on what exactly this looks like.
Killing it!! No matter how many ways I can get Chat GPT to write this out and get all the buzz words that'll make you feel AmAzInG it all boils down to: This resonates with me and I want to reward you. Yet it seems that this healing has already fruited for you. I've healed immensely and feel inspired; thanks for your contributions and tribulations.
Thank you Heidi. I’ve been in the rescuer position and you’ve so eloquently explain my triggers so I can take conscious steps to stop choosing those responses. I was in a relationship with someone who had explicitly told me they didn’t know what they want from a relationship - but they enjoyed spending time with me and cared about me so I took a chance to see if they might change their mind. 6 months later we broke up. I’m 3 weeks in no contact and this video is a bucket of cold water for me to realise that I have a hard boundary that I need someone who knows what they want from life, as I do. I want to be their supporter and I want that support back as well. Your videos are helping me to understand myself so much better and do the work to be ready to enter a mature relationship in the future.
This gave me chills. Before I started watching your channel I didn't even know I had a relationship with myself. You've changed my life for the better. I have had trouble letting my ex go and, at least in this moment, have a new perspective on things. Thanks. ❤
this is so helpful!! for the last few months I’ve been really bothered by the ways some of my friends have been talking about certain topics, and I know that my first-instinct approach of coming in guns blazing and trying to explain why I think their perspectives are Bad and Unethical and Wrong isn’t coming from a healthy place and won’t lead to good results, but I also don’t feel ready to talk directly about it with them in any other way, so I’ve been just sitting there being silently uncomfortable. after listening to this video, I’ve realized I can simply be like “hey guys, I love talking with you, but I don’t wanna listen to y’all talk about this topic in this way, so I’m going to leave and come back when y’all are finished.” it’s that easy!
I am so glad I found your channel in just a few short weeks. It’s been so impactful in my relationship. Some have gotten elevated and others I have disengaged in. It’s not easy but I don’t feel that I’m wasting my life. I’m being true to myself. It’s a new perspective on things and I love it. Thank you.
I am so happy to have found your channel. In conflict I go between victim and persecutor. But mostly persecutor because in most of my conflicts the other person comes to me as the victim. Being the victim in this drama triangle feels so manipulative and that rubs me the wrong way.
Thank you, just discovering this drama triangle and thought I understood it as something I create then BAM you said others will invite you into one and then you can end up taking on the roles instead of directing the solutions with the other triangle. That can explain so many conflicts, when you do not even know how they started. It seems best to just say, you do not seem to be in a good mood, we can talk about it later or you just end up continuing in a play you did not sign up for.
You are such a gift!! You are helping me so much. I said something to my gf that was hurtful to her even though my intention was to just share how I was feeling in that moment. I see now that I was triggered and very deep in the drama triangle. I ‘ve been trying to make sense of what took over me that day because I do not care to repeat it ever again. I don’t want to keep making those same mistakes and hurting my romantic relationship. Thank you for giving me a life raft and navigation tools. 🙏
So very grateful I found your channel! You speak my language and it is INSANE how much just listening to you helps me to not just hear it but see it and how to fix it without all the “tough love” people think you need just clear understanding of what you are doing and experiencing ❤
I feel happy to hear videos that make so much sense out of crappy prize relationships which I play one role or the other. Jay sherry says sometimes we are helped and then others help us. So, keep the how to details about the lines we need to draw and still love others as we love ourselves 🙏
Thank you, i didn't realize that for the past two or three years i have been subconsciously trying to break out of the drama triangle without realizing what I was doing after engaging in it with finding people to fix, some of whom would also go into the drama triangle right next to me (not all!). All i knew was that I wanted peace, but was empirically testing what would give me peace. I need to watch this a third time and write notes to put up on my walls as a reminder.
found your videos a week ago and i've already watched several hours worth. your ability to clearly and accurately shine a light on things i've been feeling for a decade plus is unbelievable and incredibly healing. thank you heidi
I told my mother that labelling me paranoid hurt me and she instantly became the victim of me, then my father leapt her ''rescue'' to reprimand me for hurting mum. I realised it's set up like that. Nothing can change either, because any kind of feedback is perceived by my mother as an attack which my Dad will rescue her from by castigating and shaming me. 3 years of silent treatment now because I won't play that game. There's no happy ending where they see the error of their ways though.
You can only be the better version of yourself. And You can be proud of leaving them behind and move on to better places. You can make or break the live that you live, by looking in the back mirror, or look ahead where you want to be. And it seems you are doing the right thing. It still feels sad if people don't want to learn. But you can't be held back by that anymore. I wish you the best, even when i don't know you.
One thing that often doesn't get the attention it deserves in our recovery journey is grief. A lot of people who mean well but are still nursing old wounds will say, "You don't need that negativity anyway! Personal growth is the way forward, but all they'll try and do is hold you back." And sure, there's truth in that. But the truth is: you DID need parents who could give and receive love appropriately and enthusiastically. You did need caregivers who could model consistent and appropriate personal accountability and meaningful respect. But letting go of the people we never got can be just as heartbreaking as losing someone who can't be here with us anymore, no matter much we loved them or they loved us. Not to have them anymore...god, it just hurts like hell... But we don't have the possibility of having that life we imagined with them anymore. The option to un-"wound" ourselves just isn't one we get, but we can at least learn good ways to help us carry the scars. In a lot of ways, death is easier to move on from than knowing someone just...doesn't care enough to *want* to not be hurtful. It's called "complicated grief" for the very reason that it just makes no damn sense at all. "You deserved better than you got. Someone's gotta say it sometime cos it's true. People should have told you you were awesome, instead of taking advantage of you." John Darnielle, the Mountain Goats.
@@waynepolo6193 I feel moved by your comment. It's too real and too relatable. I agree to every word you said. Yes. We need to grieve those losses. Complicated grief is real. It seems our grief is disproportionate for the loss. But it hurts. Sometimes more than death. It's a different sort of grief.
@@waynepolo6193 absolutely, I am so sad that it just couldn't be resolved. There was very nearly a simple solution, that we sat down and talked, and heard, and reconnected, and that didn't happen and it is heart breaking, even though I don't need that ''negativity in my life''.
😢 hey guys , i am 31 and it hurts like hell to know that i have wasted my entire life up until now … i cannot move past this guilt but i also feel this healing journey is one step forward 2 steps back… how are guys coping with it?
Heidi, this pair of videos on the drama triangle is a masterpiece. Informative, instructive, applicable…it has everything. Thank you for all the videos you have shared. I have watched them. Thank you very much for these two videos on the drama triangle!
I don't think I can manage that yet, when I get triggered I find it hard to recognize it as such, I think I still get caught up in the triggered self's version of the event (s) would be very handy though when triggered to know it, as then you have options. I'm in the just try not to act anything out stage. So I while I don't have any positive options I have enough consciousness to avoid the negative options.
Dear Heidi, so grateful for your videos!!! Discovered your channel some days ago, and it's a perfect recap of my own healing journey!!! Solidifying everything I have learned, practice now and have been sharing with people, thank you for all you share!!
I'd love to see you do a video on implicit boundaries vs explicit boundaries, how to set them, and why you might not want to express explicit boundaries to some people, whether for your own privacy or to de-escalate. And I think the fact of the matter is, we all set implicit boundaries for some things, especially when it feels like TMI to get into it.
Overall I really resonate with this and think Heidi does a great job. HOWEVER the "if it's not illegal, people are allowed to do it" angle is... not good. All sorts of despicable things are/have been LEGAL in different parts of the world. Child marriage, FGM, spousal SA, slavery, torture, animal cruelty... All have been legal, or are still legal somewhere... Laws are not a good reference point for what is morally acceptable.
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I truly felt unconfortable listening to this and a few times simply hated and felt suspicious towards you. Then realized that truth hurts. Thank you, this might just be life changing, it's a radical paradigm shift for me.
Triggers are Psychology 101
You are the person I want to hang with! This tote of self awareness is exactly the journey so many folks need but are too scared to do. You're doing it and you should be proud! Love to you, I wish you all the peace and happiness! ❤
*type of self awareness
@@jenaya_laila2442so what are you doing here going over (back to) basics I do wonder? Aware of the triggering effect your commentary has, it’s also apparently nothing bearing/offering nowt but self service, in my perspective.
@@annettekaNeither is your “commentary”, in my perspective.
1. Learn to recognise when you are triggered/ what it feels like and how to interact with integrity or develop system to fall back to protect ourselves(and what not to do) to not be reactive
2. Learn to process your emotions with matured non drama triangle based people (develop social network for getting balanced perspective).
3. Which unmet need you project and learn to meet needs? Inner triggers - protect your inner child by changing your self to meet needs.
4. Figure out relationship norms and preferences and respect other’s preferences and norms without guilting, shaming and blaming.
5. Learn to understand what you ready to lose and let go off, to not lose self respect and opportunity cost. Anywhere honest vulnerable conversation can turn to unsafe situation, it’s worth losing the battle. Don’t enable to win stupid price. Set boundaries and move on with your life and play right games in life.
"People are going to put words in your mouth and accuse you of things that are inaccurate when they are in persecution mode. People are going to act like they will not be okay if you don't rescue them when they are in victim mode. People are going to try to create a dynamic where you are dependent on their help when they are in rescuer mode." 30:30
This hit me so hard 😢😢 like a real tight slap in my face
Yes!👏🙌👏🙌👏🙌👏🙌
"When we are triggered we are mixing up the past and the present"😮 that's such a great way of putting it!
Fantastic way of describing it. So impressed with this video.
True that
At 60 years, I am hoping I can implement this
I am 71 and I am implementing this. You can do it!
Same!
You absolutely can!
65, I'm on the same train with you, we don't have a schedule and the route may vary, but the journey is worth it. This C-PTSD is like muddied water, this work will let the water clear so we can better navigate what's underneath.
I cannot thank you enough for helping me keep my head on my shoulders right now. I'm going through a breakup and whenever I am triggered or tempted to do something that puts me back in the drama triangle, I open one of your videos and it immediately calms me down.
True. I stumbled upon Heidi's article in Thought Catalog years ago when I broke up. Now her videos always on top of my list when it comes to self healing
Yep. I will break up with my partner today.
I love how you said that people have the right to be in the drama triangle or be narcissistic. I have a history of trying to “help” my family out of these patterns
That’s so hard for me. I feel like everyone has to do what’s right, and I’m always striving towards that in myself. It’s very rooted in perfectionism which I am slowly loosening my grip on. 😅
it hurts to hear this, but i caused drama triangle, and becoming more and more into the victim mindset, and i hope with getting help, i can get better, thank you very much for creating this
I never thought of the drama triangle as something I could be involved with outside of a direct interpersonal relationship, simply in my own mindset as an individual. I now realize this is a major problem for me. The title really defines it - I waste a significant amount of time, like, an UNBELIEVABLE amount of time getting self righteous in comment sections on youtube and reddit, and I do this precisely when there is something in the here and now I definitely need to be focusing on. I've always thought it was just focus issues or basic ADHD procrastination/hyperfixation, but this video really wakes me up to the fact that falling into the drama triangle is a maladaptive coping mechanism when I am feeling insecure or incapable about a task in the present. I will lose focus on the task at hand as my my mind fixates on writing the perfect comment to some stranger on the internet about some random topic - sometimes this will be a rescuer role, where I feel this duty to share my experience and advice to someone I feel I can help. Sometimes it will be persecutor, where I will rant about some perceived injustice in society or a cultural norm. Or, I'll be in the victim role, getting lost on CPTSD related youtube channels and reddit pages where I can write and write and write about my experience as a victim and lament with other commenters.
Comment section communities are great in moderation, but I'm letting the temptation to use these comments sections as a daily whirlwind into the drama triangle majorly cut into the precious time I have each day to do what I really need to be doing. Heck, I'm doing it right now!
Just when I think I know everything about attachment, trauma, and mental health, there you go Heidi Priebe, proving me wrong and continuing to show me new perspectives for my own personal betterment. Keep doin' what you do.
Whoa, this is so insightful for me in its raw honesty. thanks!
You're really going strong for having this much of self-awareness. Keep it up, man
Heidi-you are incredible. This video might be the most valuable thing I’ve come across in my codependency recovery.
Feeling so called out, cringey embarrassed, laughing in relief because you shed some light on a fuzzy area that I was aware existed but didn't know how to make sense of. Thank you for everything you've worked on and shared with the world!
I love how nuanced, yet practical and straightforward your videos are. Good to have you back Heidi!
"Maybe the worst thing you can possibly imagine is your partner sleeping with someone else. And you might think, "Yeah, that's a pretty universal preference, I don't necessarily have to communicate or enforce a boundary around that." But, somewhere out there, at this exact moment in time, there is someone who has been scouring the internet and has just learnt the word 'compersion'"
Heidi, as a poly person (who always discloses it right at the beginning of a relationship) this sentence made me genuinely laugh out loud! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in such a methodical way, your channel is truly one of my favourites on RUclips!
Thanks Heidi for one more awesome, in-depth video on drama triangle. You are doing such a wonderful job. I’ve been listening to your videos since last few months and they have really helped me immensely to heal and recover from my childhood conditioning.
Stay blessed.
Kinda feels good to see Indian men working on their healing ❤
You talked me off a ledge a little bit today. I’m struggling with a work relationship and I wasn’t sure how to manage it. This helped. Thank you.❤
22:11 Very important realisations to have. "People have the right to...."
Thanks for putting it into these words. Really resonated with me and helps internalise this fact of life.
Yep the amount of suffering I have caused myself by not acknowledging this fact is immense. Esp when i go into victim " why are they ..?" And then persecutor "I'll work out their .... And then change how they behave!"
Urgh, what a painful habit to perpetuate :(
I need to hear this daily for the foreseeable future
I take pride in being capable of exerting myself to meet the (unreasonable) expectations of others in savior mode, but after these occasions I need to be alone and recollect myself, which takes longer than I would like. It is very hard for me to state my needs because I fear being called a slacker, like I am not putting enough work into the relationship. Being in savior mode doesn't make me feel triggered or petty, it makes me feel competent. However, I do notice the years wasted by working so hard to live up to standards which, in hindsight, didn't really lead me to achieve goals that were important.
So that’s the one thing I have a problem in this video. Why savior is always the triangle thing? How can we show support and compassion to others?
I don’t like “friends” who only like me at my best and mostly happy state. But when I’m upset and feel lost - I feel like they don’t care.
So as how I feel about others - if a friend matter to me - I’ll be there for him/her, otherwise we’re left only with superficial and convenient connections.
Just wow. I’m only half way through this video. But. Wow. It’s mind blowing. I’ve really been walking around life entering relationships expecting that it’s normal to spend my life and energy changing the other person, helping them grow up. I feel like this video is showing something that must be so obvious to normal people. And yet such a deeply ingrained assumption (incorrect assumption) in my personality…. That I didn’t even realize this is where I’m operating from. I’m gonna have to watch this a few times.
I'm not done with the video yet, but this video is SO timely 😳🤯 my mind is BLOWN. As a budding psychologist, ENFP Virgo I'm always looking to better myself. This video makes me wanna rewatch and take notes 📝 and like really unpack some stuff. Wow. I'll edit with updates if anyone wants me to share 🤷🏾♀️
Yes. I'd love to hear more of your experience. Perhaps I can do that same. The last (and first) video on drama triangle by Heidi was pretty useful and mind opening as well.
Yes please - also a Virgo ENFP !
Hahah, you were so authentic saying “ a solid 28 years of my life😂” love it.
I was definitely the same for 28 years as well. Just about to turn 30 and I finally feel safe to step out of the drama triangle 🙏
This is a breath a fresh air! Really reinforces that the only person you can change is yourself, you are not entitled to try to change anyone to better serve yoh
Incredibly eye-opening series. These videos are so concise and well-expressed that I think the time spent watching and re-watching your videos is more valuable than time spent with a therapist (even factoring out the cost!).
I love your drama triangle videos! 🥰 They recently helped me to regulate myself when I was extremely dysregulated and nothing could calm me. I'm so thankful for the content you put out. This knowledge is literally life-saving.
I don't know what I would have done without this knowledge two weeks ago. It helped me recognize why I was in so much pain. I feel like working on leaving "the drama triangle" (which I absolutely didn't know I was in) will finally help me heal so that I can start living life to the fullest. Thank you so much!
Excellent straight shooting video. You can't have growth without personal responsibility. The blame game keeps you stuck and still not getting your needs met, and to me that's the name of the game .
Thank you Heidi. This past weekend I watched your video about Depression survival guide. It was so helpful - so deatiled. Probably the best I've ever watched. I'm so grateful I found your channel. Thank you!
I’ve been frustrated about this exact thing for the past couple weeks. Thank you this explains a lot!
Your videos are incredibly insightful and your ideas are well organized and clearly communicated. Kudos for producing such excellent content, Heidi!
Your work is such a gift to humanity. Thank you for taking the time to compose these clear, logically built up explanations and explaining in such a kind and gentle and non intimidating and non smartass manner, just pure help. I send you a huge hug of gratitude and relief. Thank you for blessing us with your wisdom
You have an incredibly insightful, practical and helpful approach to understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle. Never quite heard it explained like this with realistic suggestions on how to live a meaningful, rewarding self-directed life.
1. Have a system for when I’m triggered (have unconscious hidden need)
2. Disengage & come back later [not safe], or become vulnerable and overtly state that I’m triggered [safe]
3. Process my emotions with close and mature people - 아첨쟁이 말고 양쪽 입장을 고려할 수 있는 사람
4. Notice which needs I tend to project -> set boundaries on them
5. Figure out my relationship preferences and norms & Accept that others can have theirs
** Dramatic people have the right to be dramatic. Same for narcissistic,self-victimizing.
** I can’t change them. I can only decide whether I’ll keep engaging with them.
6. Communicate expectations & boundaries explicitly
7. Identify which interpersonal battles I’m willing to lose in order to win my self-respect
** Some people might stay in the drama triangle (can’t be honest with them). There’s an opportunity cost to stay there. If you can’t disengage completely, just losing those battles may be the optimal solution (give up being honest with them).
** Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
“This is not a formula for an easy life. This is the formula for not wasting your life on things like refusing to identify and make clear what you actually want out of it” -HP
Whenever I am ready to make more progress in what has been a decades-long healing process that includes managing CPTSD triggered dysregulation as well as profound behavioral and perception changes, I discover just the right person to guide and accompany me in taking the next steps. Even six months ago, I was not ready to hear what you are saying. I even felt a bit put off by you and much of what you say. Today I am ready to hear and learn from almost everything you say. I don't agree with everything, but there are important lights on my path inside every video. And how did you suddenly become so likeable as well?😆 I write this mostly to let you know that I am deeply grateful that you are sharing your knowledge and wisdom here. Thank you.
Wow I’m feeling so called out by your videos in the most helpful way imaginable
Damn. This video is so helpful. I can see how much I have been persecuting people for their choices instead of honoring my own. Really helpful to see this!
Hey Heidi-I hit the self-help resource point of diminishing returns ten years ago. I am always grateful to stumble upon a person who provides non-redundant content. You are one of them.
I take issue with something you said here and that I’ve heard from you in other varieties elsewhere-I hope that, at the very least, my perspective is interesting to process. Who knows-maybe you’ll agree. I can tell that, like me, you care a lot about discernment between truths and falsehoods.
My opinion is that you deviate from what is true when you guide us to refrain from perceiving moral rights and wrongs, as if morality is toxic. In reality, “shoulds” and “should nots” are real *and* critical to our personal growth and sense of clarity, wholeness, and meaning.
While emotionally immature people often make the mistake of moralizing non-moral issues (for example, contempt because their preference differs from another’s), I see you explicitly un-moralizing legitimately moral issues.
The government is not my moral conscience. To argue that something is okay because it’s legal is to enforce a false premise. Marital rape was legal until relatively recently, for example.
The ways in which emotional immaturity causes a person to behave toward others *is* a moral issue, and I think that when you include disclaimers which cater to the most fragile egos in your audience, you fail to stick to the truth, you deny our moral intuition, you infantilize/insult us, and-most importantly-you indirectly tell the targets of bad behavior that the way they were treated was not wrong.
Might you consider reframing your disclaimers, addressing that everyone has the responsibility to *both* radically accept themselves (as in, be free of toxic shame and take the problem behavior seriously as a survival tactic they once needed) and to be respectful to others?
Bad behavior and bad person are distinct. When we falsely let wrongdoings “off the hook” we aim to protect the wrongdoer’s dignity. In truth, we are reinforcing that it was/is okay for people to wrong *them* in that way.
Finally: asserting the “rights” of people to be projective, narcissistic, etc. falsely portrays those traits as conscious choices. It also negates the tragedy of the invisible and needless prison imposed upon them due to childhood trauma.
It is not totally okay that so many people are split from themselves, from reality, and from how they disrespect and hurt people. While we should not obsessively attempt to change that about anyone, I consider it my moral duty to say what people don’t want to hear sometimes. I wish someone had clued me in before I had to grow up the extremely hard way.
It is my strong and unwavering opinion that my siblings *should* learn to love and respect themselves. I feel angry with my golden child brother for, during many months of focusing entirely on his mental health, failing to address his two biggest blind spots: our father and me. Until he stops avoiding reality, he will have to perceive me in an unrealistically negative way. He is wronging me by not bothering to take that facet of our relationship seriously. He is also suffering from the reason he avoids regarding our father realistically, and I am angry *on his behalf* for it. Both things are true.
Phew. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I’m a big fan of you and recommend your channel frequently.
💛💛💛💛💛
Your channel is wonderful, you're one of the most effective communicators on this site. Thank you!
This video was painful to watch as I was drowning in shame from having to admit to myself that I was responsible. I need to stop doing this to myself, it's just that I can't imagine any other way to exist. Thank you, I will keep coming back to this until I'm able to speak about it with the same enthusiasm as you do. ♡
I live for your uploads. You have helped me so much.....thank you for all your hard work!
“There are a lot of ways to love and support people from a distance, without getting dragged into their mess”
Thx now I’m crying 😭
😢
You quite literally saved my life. Thanks immensely to you and I wish you nothing but the best for you! Thank you 🙏
I watched this video last night and it knocked me over the head while I was at work today what you were talking about. It makes so much sense! This actually did cause a lot of my problems. I had a hunch for a while that something like this was up, but I couldn't formalize it or put it into words. Thank you for making this video! I feel like my life going forward might be slightly more peaceful.
Totally agree. If they always agree w you maybe they are not the person to help you grow.
Just watching the first part now. My problem is that sometimes I fully recognize when I'm triggered, I just get so wrapped up in the emotion that I don't care. I'm able to see what the trigger is, I just don't care. I'm able to see that I'm acting irrationally, but I don't care. I have gotten to the point where I remove myself from the situation so I can be angry elsewhere, so that's good. My angry reactions to things like feeling abandoned are definitely rooted in my abandonment issues from childhood, but more importantly the fact that I was forced to abandon one of my parents. Annnnnd I actually did not know that last part until I started writing this haha. Cool. It totally makes sense because when my dad was upset with himself he would get angry and take it out on someone else. Not only did I learn that behavior, but I missed him and perhaps part of me decided to take on his role so I could be closer to him. Hot damn, I got something to journal about.
Edit: just pressed play again and you are immediately talking about reflections of the past. You rock, Heidi.
absolutely incredible knowledge! Am currently trying to recover from ending a 3 year relationship entrenched in the drama triangle. Desperately looking for answers to what happened as we are both intelligent people but our relationship dynamic was car crash! You are the only expert I have come across that can truly explain, define and show examples of what has been happening - it is so comforting, enlightening, and actually life saving! Huge thank you for your in-depth videos, you are leagues above everyone else on RUclips in your field ❤
I don’t have a big enough pool of people (as you suggest) to go off and just stop associating with people and connect with new people. Ugh. It’s not easy just creating new best friends, or a new mother, or a new child. - Love your videos by the way. You’re so well spoken.
Heidi, and followers, as a fearful avoidant, this is the most important video I have seen. Thank you! BTW, I feel as though you know me, maybe it's just my type.
So many important things covered. Amazingly well-done. I’m going to listen to this a few times to digest it.
I found myself saying to myself “yikes! That’s me..”thank you for this.
Omg. I feel so seen. Thank you for the tough love.
Oh, my. What you said. About grabbing a snack and being well rested. I stopped the video shortly past 2 minutes. This one is rich. Recovering from a cold, I have no appetite and do not feel well rested. Still need broth and naps. Maturing intentionally. I'm nearly 72 years old and comforted by my own gratitude for knowledge of the drama triangle. I admit, the degree and amount of personal accounting literally feels nauseating not simply in the gut, but all over. So? Practicing the DBT STOP skill, after saying all that, I'm ready to relisten to the first 2 minutes of this video. Thank you for sharing your wealth of information and your gift for teaching.
Thank you very much, Heidi. I have never heard of "The Drama Triangle" before. It is really illuminating to listen to what you have described. I've learned some essential things from you in the past few months about the influence of different attachment styles as well as about The Drama Triangle. I'm familiar with the concept of attachment styles. It makes a difference to hear them described in relationship & situational contexts. Everyone could benefit from knowing about both.
Always a gem! I have adopted this model into my life and it’s been so helpful.
Live authentic self. This explains it.
Don’t waste 30 years like I did.
Thanks for calling me out on my shit as usual. You really do have a way of cutting right to the heart of it. What you said about not inadvertently going into Persecutor mode while using Attachment Theory as to others. Especially the idea of not trying to shape people in my life to meet certain needs or have certain qualities instead of finding people with those qualities really did hit home for my FA self. Like on some level I already knew this but you delivered it in such a clear and actionable way that it’s prevented me from acting on those impulses and given me a path forward.
Same!
I’ve never found a friend or therapist who could point out blind spots or help me learn 🤷♀️
Heidi, I can't thank you enough for sharing your education, personal experiences, and attachment style evolution into a secure mindset. I have watched so many of your videos now. I feel like I couldn't have found a better RUclips spirit animal to help me through this difficult transition out of a dysfunctional anxious/avoidant relationship. You have both helped me understand my shadow side and face the negative attributes that I am perpetuating. You helped me feel less insane and finally able to frame the heartbreaking patterns of the drama triangle and the confusion from being gaslit into accepting all of the blame for the dysfunction in my relationship. This has led to me being emotionally stronger and able to let go of someone I deeply love, but is deep within a drama triangle that I can no longer allow to interfere with my emotional, social, and professional stability. It's incredibly sad and emotionally complicated to let a relationship like this go, because as you explained, the urge to correct the false narrative can keep you in a pattern of coming back to correct the slander an ex can spread like a virus. I can't stop that. Thank you for saying it out loud. It's one of the last strings I need to release so that I do not lose any more of my valuable time being sucked into the anxious/avoidant relationship pitfalls. The amount of hours lost over the last year and a half to drama weighs heavy on me. Lots of lost opportunity for professional growth and passed social activities from being emotionally exhausted and depressed. I wish I would have watched this video one year ago. This relationship was chaos from day two. I wish I knew then what I know now, thanks to you. 😁🙏
Excellent, informative video, as usual! Your advice reminds me so much of a book I read this past weekend, "Whole Again" by Jackson Mackenzie. Thank you for helping so many of us heal. ❤❤❤
This is awesome. Could you break down the part around 36 minutes where you talk about where if you win the drama triangle, you win a stupid prize? Would love to hear some real life examples to get more clear on what exactly this looks like.
This is... gold. I'm going to revisit it many times. Thank you so much for sharing.
Well balanced and healthy insight. Great practical value. Thank you.
Killing it!! No matter how many ways I can get Chat GPT to write this out and get all the buzz words that'll make you feel AmAzInG it all boils down to: This resonates with me and I want to reward you. Yet it seems that this healing has already fruited for you.
I've healed immensely and feel inspired; thanks for your contributions and tribulations.
How great that even AI learned something 🤭
Thank you Heidi. I’ve been in the rescuer position and you’ve so eloquently explain my triggers so I can take conscious steps to stop choosing those responses. I was in a relationship with someone who had explicitly told me they didn’t know what they want from a relationship - but they enjoyed spending time with me and cared about me so I took a chance to see if they might change their mind. 6 months later we broke up. I’m 3 weeks in no contact and this video is a bucket of cold water for me to realise that I have a hard boundary that I need someone who knows what they want from life, as I do. I want to be their supporter and I want that support back as well. Your videos are helping me to understand myself so much better and do the work to be ready to enter a mature relationship in the future.
This gave me chills. Before I started watching your channel I didn't even know I had a relationship with myself. You've changed my life for the better. I have had trouble letting my ex go and, at least in this moment, have a new perspective on things. Thanks. ❤
this is so helpful!! for the last few months I’ve been really bothered by the ways some of my friends have been talking about certain topics, and I know that my first-instinct approach of coming in guns blazing and trying to explain why I think their perspectives are Bad and Unethical and Wrong isn’t coming from a healthy place and won’t lead to good results, but I also don’t feel ready to talk directly about it with them in any other way, so I’ve been just sitting there being silently uncomfortable. after listening to this video, I’ve realized I can simply be like “hey guys, I love talking with you, but I don’t wanna listen to y’all talk about this topic in this way, so I’m going to leave and come back when y’all are finished.” it’s that easy!
I am so glad I found your channel in just a few short weeks. It’s been so impactful in my relationship. Some have gotten elevated and others I have disengaged in. It’s not easy but I don’t feel that I’m wasting my life. I’m being true to myself. It’s a new perspective on things and I love it. Thank you.
I am so happy to have found your channel.
In conflict I go between victim and persecutor. But mostly persecutor because in most of my conflicts the other person comes to me as the victim.
Being the victim in this drama triangle feels so manipulative and that rubs me the wrong way.
Heidi - the no bull sh*t sage of the internet.
I gained so much knowledge and wisdom from your videos..they are always spot on :)
I never grabbed a notebook so fast and wrote so many KEY questions and reflective points in one video!!!!! Thanks Heidi x😮
Thank you, just discovering this drama triangle and thought I understood it as something I create then BAM you said others will invite you into one and then you can end up taking on the roles instead of directing the solutions with the other triangle.
That can explain so many conflicts, when you do not even know how they started.
It seems best to just say, you do not seem to be in a good mood, we can talk about it later or you just end up continuing in a play you did not sign up for.
You are super talented in your communications👏👏👏
Please keep it up🙏I promise you’re making a difference 💝
You are such a gift!! You are helping me so much. I said something to my gf that was hurtful to her even though my intention was to just share how I was feeling in that moment.
I see now that I was triggered and very deep in the drama triangle. I ‘ve been trying to make sense of what took over me that day because I do not care to repeat it ever again.
I don’t want to keep making those same mistakes and hurting my romantic relationship. Thank you for giving me a life raft and navigation tools. 🙏
I’ll watch this over and over until I master it!
This is right on and has a very wise and important concluding message. Thank you for creating this.
You are GODSENT! Thank you so much for everything you have shared with us
So very grateful I found your channel! You speak my language and it is INSANE how much just listening to you helps me to not just hear it but see it and how to fix it without all the “tough love” people think you need just clear understanding of what you are doing and experiencing ❤
I feel happy to hear videos that make so much sense out of crappy prize relationships which I play one role or the other. Jay sherry says sometimes we are helped and then others help us. So, keep the how to details about the lines we need to draw and still love others as we love ourselves 🙏
Heidi you are doing a fantastic job of articulating very complex and nuanced feelings which we as busy professionals tend to overlook.
Thank you Heidi. I appreciate you greatly. You are a gift 🎁🎉
Thank you, i didn't realize that for the past two or three years i have been subconsciously trying to break out of the drama triangle without realizing what I was doing after engaging in it with finding people to fix, some of whom would also go into the drama triangle right next to me (not all!). All i knew was that I wanted peace, but was empirically testing what would give me peace. I need to watch this a third time and write notes to put up on my walls as a reminder.
I needed to hear this. It was like you were calling me out on my own BS. Will have to listen to both parts again. Thanks Heidi.
Heidi, there was so much helpful, excellent content here! Thank you so, so much!
found your videos a week ago and i've already watched several hours worth. your ability to clearly and accurately shine a light on things i've been feeling for a decade plus is unbelievable and incredibly healing. thank you heidi
I told my mother that labelling me paranoid hurt me and she instantly became the victim of me, then my father leapt her ''rescue'' to reprimand me for hurting mum. I realised it's set up like that. Nothing can change either, because any kind of feedback is perceived by my mother as an attack which my Dad will rescue her from by castigating and shaming me. 3 years of silent treatment now because I won't play that game. There's no happy ending where they see the error of their ways though.
You can only be the better version of yourself. And You can be proud of leaving them behind and move on to better places. You can make or break the live that you live, by looking in the back mirror, or look ahead where you want to be. And it seems you are doing the right thing. It still feels sad if people don't want to learn. But you can't be held back by that anymore. I wish you the best, even when i don't know you.
One thing that often doesn't get the attention it deserves in our recovery journey is grief. A lot of people who mean well but are still nursing old wounds will say, "You don't need that negativity anyway! Personal growth is the way forward, but all they'll try and do is hold you back." And sure, there's truth in that. But the truth is: you DID need parents who could give and receive love appropriately and enthusiastically. You did need caregivers who could model consistent and appropriate personal accountability and meaningful respect.
But letting go of the people we never got can be just as heartbreaking as losing someone who can't be here with us anymore, no matter much we loved them or they loved us. Not to have them anymore...god, it just hurts like hell...
But we don't have the possibility of having that life we imagined with them anymore. The option to un-"wound" ourselves just isn't one we get, but we can at least learn good ways to help us carry the scars. In a lot of ways, death is easier to move on from than knowing someone just...doesn't care enough to *want* to not be hurtful. It's called "complicated grief" for the very reason that it just makes no damn sense at all.
"You deserved better than you got. Someone's gotta say it sometime cos it's true. People should have told you you were awesome, instead of taking advantage of you." John Darnielle, the Mountain Goats.
@@waynepolo6193 I feel moved by your comment. It's too real and too relatable. I agree to every word you said.
Yes. We need to grieve those losses. Complicated grief is real. It seems our grief is disproportionate for the loss. But it hurts. Sometimes more than death. It's a different sort of grief.
@@waynepolo6193 absolutely, I am so sad that it just couldn't be resolved. There was very nearly a simple solution, that we sat down and talked, and heard, and reconnected, and that didn't happen and it is heart breaking, even though I don't need that ''negativity in my life''.
This is AMAZING!!! So many pearls of wisdom, and very in-line with the lessons from Coda. Thank you for explaining it so clearly :)
Highly relevant video. Default / automatic responses can be very tricky here which is why it's so important to slow the hell down.
Secret, Subtle, Insidious strings. Boy, that hit home. Thank you, I needed this today
Greetings from Africa. Thanks Heidi. You are a life saver
I am going to be 44.
I have lived my whole life in the drama triangle.
I am 74 lived my entire life in drama triangle..Peace
😢 hey guys , i am 31 and it hurts like hell to know that i have wasted my entire life up until now … i cannot move past this guilt but i also feel this healing journey is one step forward 2 steps back… how are guys coping with it?
@@prashanthireddy2333
We are watching videos like this trying to figure it out.
I always feel better after your educational videos. Thanks
You’re so pretty Heidi!! So intelligent and charismatic too!! Go team!!
Amen girl. This was chalk full of good content.
Heidi, this pair of videos on the drama triangle is a masterpiece. Informative, instructive, applicable…it has everything. Thank you for all the videos you have shared. I have watched them. Thank you very much for these two videos on the drama triangle!
I don't think I can manage that yet, when I get triggered I find it hard to recognize it as such, I think I still get caught up in the triggered self's version of the event (s) would be very handy though when triggered to know it, as then you have options. I'm in the just try not to act anything out stage. So I while I don't have any positive options I have enough consciousness to avoid the negative options.
Heidi, you're a genius. ❤
Dear Heidi, so grateful for your videos!!! Discovered your channel some days ago, and it's a perfect recap of my own healing journey!!! Solidifying everything I have learned, practice now and have been sharing with people, thank you for all you share!!
I'd love to see you do a video on implicit boundaries vs explicit boundaries, how to set them, and why you might not want to express explicit boundaries to some people, whether for your own privacy or to de-escalate. And I think the fact of the matter is, we all set implicit boundaries for some things, especially when it feels like TMI to get into it.
Overall I really resonate with this and think Heidi does a great job.
HOWEVER the "if it's not illegal, people are allowed to do it" angle is... not good. All sorts of despicable things are/have been LEGAL in different parts of the world. Child marriage, FGM, spousal SA, slavery, torture, animal cruelty... All have been legal, or are still legal somewhere... Laws are not a good reference point for what is morally acceptable.
Agree
I will make my life better for myself.❤
Goodness I love your perspectives
Thanks Heidi! 🙂