Attachment Styles And The Drama Triangle (Part 2)
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- Last week we talked about what the drama triangle is and why understanding it is an integral part of doing attachment work.
This week we're going to talk about step one of attachment healing looks like for each type - that is to say, how anxious, avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment styles can step out of their natural starting gate role and empower themselves to begin the healing process.
And remember! If you're an ENFP or INFP personality type, make sure you head over to www.heidipriebe.com and check out our Soul Bootcamp programs.
LOVE YOU ALL!
The only reason why this video has so few views and likes is because people read the title and see the image and are afraid to face their issues and work on themselves. Luckily, those are also the people who will not spend money on your business. So the people you do reach, are your target audience. So I'm sure every watcher who views (and replays to view again) is serious about improving themselves. This is quality content, Heidi. Compliments and I learnt about myself and about others. This is a phenomenal video, thank you very much!
Years of therapy in a nutshell for all those who want to work on themselves
Probably also because people have not heard of “drama triangle” before.
I had saved it in watch later and now that i hear it I thought it had tens of thousands of views at least. Only when I noticed the top comment I was shocked to see 14K. This video has these concepts so well presented it makes me feel like I would finally deeply understand them. I also thought of sending the video to my anxiously attached friend but now I second guess this.
This excellent video deserves a massive number of views.
the first sentence of this comment suggests some avoidant attachment from OP
I've been seeing various therapists over the last 36 years. I learned about Attachment theory six years ago and have become a bit of a student. I've watched all kinds of content here on RUclips by various therapists and relationship "coaches." But no one has ever explained this stuff, offered concrete, easy to understand strategies in dealing with the various conflicts that come up as well as you do. I'm beyond impressed! And I hope more people find this channel. Thank you for the effort and the time you take!
Right? She saves people YEARS of toil in other avenues.
It’s been more helpful to me than therapy.
The amount of work I have to do, and I’m currently doing, as an “anxiously attached” is crazy. I have caught myself being manipulative and controlling, and justifying this behaviour with “it’s because I love them”. And although it sounds weird, it’s so scary seeing the pattern change. Letting other people be, don’t feel entitled to dictate their actions and feelings, actually take accountability for my own emotions and actions is the most difficult yet the most liberating feeling ever. Again, it takes a lot a lot of work and determination. Your videos help to maintain that progress that I feel I’ve made. Thank you ❤
Ditto. Well said. Thank you, @tatianazaharua3208 and thank you, Heidi. You're changing the world.
WOW, I thought I was anxiously attached but listening to this I think I'm fearful avoidant and I've been very happy single for years but now I'm rethinking a few things. Single is my default.
Do you still date sometimes?
Yea same. Also feel like when guys get to close I deactivate and push them away yet don’t want them to leave. It’s weird. Also, tend to like more avoidant guys bc they give me space and autonomy yet then I want them closer when involved
I'm thinking the same thing. I'm both of these but also seem to be secure at other times. I'll have to take some risks and ask more people out and then try to let them know what I want and need, then see how it goes. Practice might not make perfect but practice with secure people might be a good model to emulate or get to know.
Yeah same! I am so secure single .. but get me in relationship and I become an anxious mess!
Amazing content, I love how it's uplifting and mega-confronting at the same time, a very strong combo and mad effective. Please keep making these
At 28:30 you just nailed and concisely summed up what I've been trying to understand in decades of therapy, 3 years in 12-step work, and mounds of self-help books and videos. That's it! I've been stuck in an endless cycle (I call it my hamster wheel) of ricocheting between my two strategies. You explain things and get to the heart of them like nobody else. You need a TED Talk.
I am genuinely grateful to get to learn so much about attachment issues and the drama triangle in a public media-especially when I know there are people who cannot afford therapy get to learn all the sufficient, valuable information that can help them speed up their healing process. Thank you for sharing so many insights via your channel.
Heidi, thank you for telling me what I need to hear with such wit, empathy and love. The way you urge me to have a better relationship with myself, and get out of the drama triangle, and fight my own battles. I am so grateful to you for that. I intellectually know things but interacting with you always makes me realise things and actually going on with things. Thank you so much for your presence. Not only for introducing all the systems but also for inspiring. For telling the truth.
Heidi, your videos have been sooooo helpful over months of healing. Some words just stick because of how much it resonates with myself. I can't say THANK YOU enough for all the information and experiences you've been sharing all over the years. Of course, experiencing life is a completely different way of learning these things the hard way but these videos are making things easier to overcome and to deeply understand the reason of my behaviors and actions. Healing slowly but at a good pace thanks to what you do!
I like how you put that they're looking for a parent figure... I am definitely in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. But she has a strong desire to be a submissive. Which is new to me in this relationship but I'm fine with it because she wishes to be a submissive in the classical sense. It kind of reminds me of a wife in the 1950s where it was all about serving their husband. Not just in the bedroom but in life in general. But I definitely experience the emotional roller coaster that comes with an FA. And it does give me whiplash from time to time.
I was not born or raised as a secure attached person. I earned it over the past 6 years. I'm still working through it myself but I feel like I'm somewhere in the 90% figured out stage of the secure attached mindset. However, as a Christian I maintain a level of humility knowing full well that there's always room to grow and learn.
I really appreciate your videos. I enjoy finding stuff that lets me know that I'm on the right path.
Many people in religious settings don't believe in looking outside of their religion to find help and wisdom. But that's not biblical at all. You can find wisdom anywhere so long as you pass it through the filter of your personal belief. To think otherwise would be foolish. So thank you for your contribution to this world. Please continue to produce helpful videos like this and being a constructive force in our society. ♥️
There is so much to take in in these two videos about the drama triangle Imma need to play them again and again at a slower speed. I thought I was an AA person but have come to understand I’m a fearful avoidant. I’ve been working on my healing process for a long time now and proud to celebrate that I am no longer in the drama triangle at least without recognizing the behavior or pattern. We need to celebrate these things that seem so small next to “doing the work” just being here watching this video tells us we are on the right path! Keep it up everyone! We’re not alone and certainly ARE improving! Thanks SO much for your videos Heidi! I’ve learned so so much my years in therapy could have never done this! Thanks and God bless ❤
Wow, what you said there at 6 minutes 27 about the anxiously attached person not wanting their partner to have their own autonomous experience, I had to press pause and go back over it to listen again as that is actually MY MOTHER to a T, and the trigger for our falling out (which she just cannot understand and will not talk about) is that there is ONE experience, and it's hers, but she can't see that. She sees my experience (if I insist I have a separate perspective) as a huge act of aggression I'm perpetrating against her.
Heidi. You’re flow in your videos are like candy to my brain. Lots of meat and just my speed. I have avoidant attachment “opportunities” and your part 1 and part 2 have changed my life. THANK YOU!!!
This is excellent. Thank you for doing it. My mom spent the last year of her life apologizing to me for how she treated me as a young child (in her defense, it was classic Dr. Spock; she was doing what she thought was right.). I’ve read a few books on attachment styles and some of the original literature, including the Bowlby. research. I’m a classic anxious - preoccupied. I’ve been in therapy for five years. It doesn’t go away, the anxiety still comes up, sometimes in a big way, but one can practice dealing with it more skillfully than manipulative protest behaviors.
Hello, another AP here. I just wanted to share this thought I had: the thing that scares me the most about attachment theory is that someone can become wired to be insecure in such a short time frame in the beginning of their life, before they even realize whats happening. It makes the thought of having my own kids scary, like I would want to be the perfect dad for them and I feel like I would need to know all of this stuff going it. Its really unfortunate that these topics are not mandatory in school because it can potentially set people up for a lot of heartache and suffering if they are anxious or avoidant like we are
Also AP, I relate to all of this from you both--thanks for sharing.
Not sure whether this resonates with you, but I am concerned that I will end up alone, an anxiety that I feel like I must preserve at least a little, lest it come true with my guard down. (Then again, staying alert hasn't appeared to help my seemingly dismal prospects either, not that I am jumping in the deep end.) Whether that's a result of the attachment style or vice-versa I'm not sure, maybe a feedback loop.
I'm also not sure that concern would disappear if I were secure, but I figure it would diminish and I wouldn't feel so consistently anxious about myself. But then again, I do believe that lessened anxiety requires at least some meaningful intimate acceptance from others (or at least one significant other, which can take the form of a platonic best friend) for who one truly is, very hard to find as a neurodivergent. In fact, I think the advice to "just be yourself, it'll be great" is completely disingenuous, normative, and ableist. There are plenty of people who go unwed and even without a serious romance their entire lives, unwillingly, regardless of the quality and sincerity of their efforts--sometimes because of the quality and sincerity. I don't think becoming secure in attachment style alleviates that issue.
I also have this anxiety of the old dance metaphor: The unlinked potential partners seem to perpetually dwindle, good ones already tangoing while us others don't know what to do but sit and watch.
@@SangheiliSpecOp Why have children? Is there at least one unselfish reason for that?
Hearing your break this down is super grounding. You literally bring things i struggle daily with into a way I can have compassion for myself instead of frustration and confusion. Seriously thank you.
These two videos are absolutely phenomenal - what a gift and resource you are to those fortunate enough to find you, Heidi! A comment someone made on another channel said to another viewer, “there are other people you can listen to on this subject, who may not have such (a perceived) bias, such as Heidi …” they were wise. The concepts are well articulated and I really appreciate your depth and direct approach.
it makes so much sense! I love the way you explained the roles in the drama triangle and how to change them with the empowered roles.
I test as a DA, but I really don't identify with the belief that everything is everybody else's fault. I struggle more with feeling overwhelmed, rejection sensitivity, and not knowing the proper way to respond. Like I do have a desire to share my needs and feelings once I'm aware of them, but I become worried that I'll do so improperly or that I'm just being insecure so I dismiss them. Also, there's this fear that the other person will interpret something as a rejection or that they won't believe that how I come across has more to do with my own anxieties than some problem with them. I think there's an underlying fear of that other's won't understand or that me expressing my needs will be misinterpreted as criticism when that isn't my intent.
When it comes to others expressing feelings, especially if they seem like criticism of my character or that they're implying that I feel differently than I actually do, it becomes distressing. I'd usually apologize and respond by trying to explain my thought process/reasoning, but I worry that doing so was interpreted as me telling them that their feelings were "wrong" somehow rather than me simply trying to clarify my own experience.
Check out Thais Gibson Videos about DAs . She is very spot on.
I can relate. Maybe you have avoidant personality disorder, not necessarily avoidant attachement
THIS IS A CRITICAL PART OF HEALING YOURSELF ❤
I rewatch your attachment videos every couple months, and i never fail to learn something new that i needed to learn. I get a giant sense of relief every time. I just so appreciate the way you speak and the clear and succinct way you break everything down. Thank you
If you find someone else to be the sole determination of love and affection in your life you will also see them as both a god and a devil...you must develop the capacity to be alone and find solice in yourself.
this is such a great series, you are doing a profound public service and helping so many people. Thank you for being you Heidi Priebe
14:25 "I am powerless over others." Amazing!
Thanks Heidi! I definitely identify as anxiously attached but I think my default position in the drama triangle is in the Saviour role. I think this makes sense for anxiously attached people who are desperately (manipulatively) trying to create a bond with others. The idea is that if someone needs you, then they won’t leave you. In hindsight, I think taking on this role and pushing others into the victim role may have pushed away many potentially secure partners that I’ve dated.
Oh man I feel so so so called out by this video 😮. I do have the dismissive avoidant attachment style and yeah I do notice people’s imperfections and then use that as an excuse to not get close to them. I’ve been watching a lot of your attachment style videos Heidi and they’ve been pretty insightful. I think for me part of it comes from my struggle to allow myself to be imperfect person so I project the idea that people have to be perfect in order for me to get close to them. I feel like allowing others and myself to be themselves would help a lot. I’m in therapy right now to address the attachment wounds. I do want to improve the way I relate to people and work towards earning that secure attachment. I like how your videos take a compassionate but also tough love approach to attachment theory. Keep doing what you do Heidi, your content is helping others in a real meaningful way ❤️
I can watch this over and over again, great stuff
I return to this video semi-annually. 😂 Truly these are concepts we could spend our lives working on improving.
I literally said out my mouth yesterday “I’m just going to be single work on myself and become the person I want to date.” I had to pause the video at 34:41 with my mouth wide open and then I BOL because why are you talking directly to me like this? 😂😂 here I am thinking I’m having a unique experience and BOOM!! You read me like a book once again! Lol I just love this channel 🙃🤌🏾😍😂
Such a good video, Yes, I wasted 25 years chasing hopeless avoidant men projecting good qualities that weren't even there on to them.
Wow, you are knocking it out of the park with this straight-talking advice. I love how you simply tell it like it is and aren't tiptoeing around, especially regarding the avoidant types. For instance, another channel (Thais Gibson and her PDS) tends to tell OTHER people how coddle and "help" avoidants, but you tell them in no uncertain terms that THEY are making choices and therefore THEY are responsible. Well done!
I also like the terms you used in terms of seeing self in a new role as part of the recovery process ( coach, challenger, creator ). That offers a fresh mindset to operate from.
I agree. I find Thais to be very biased, and doesn't actually mention any concrete actions to take. Just talks round and round about what attachment styles look like
Thank you! Loved this breakdown. One point that feels challenging for me is this: When I am alone yes I can meet al my needs myself, BUT in the dynamic of the relationship certain deep wounding can come to the surface that does not come up being single. We are creating a field of saftey together that is WHY these deeper layers can come up. So for me that is a shared responsibility. So yes issues at work and other areas of life sure we can treat that as if we are single but what arrises together I feel should be supported together as much as possible with aditional support from others outside the relationship / profeasionals as well. Curious to your or anyone elses take on this!
I have anxious attachment style from being abandoned at birth and other emotionally unavailable caregivers as a kid. You are helping me so much! Thank you 🙏
This is all completely fascinating to me. You have def sent me down the attachment style rabbit hole, Heidi. 🤣🤷🏼♀️ Also! Isn't it so cool that what we *really* are doing, always, is trying to heal our own wounds and learn to be whole again?! Even if we go about it in a kinda messed up, unconscious way.😉😅 We will just keep being attracted to the same thing, over and over, until we become aware and HEAL that piece of us. It is cool...and a little comical, tbh. 🙃
What a gem you are for us Heidi!
This is great! Thank you for sharing this, i loved how you were able to coorelate attachment theory with the drama triangle in such a fluid way. Very cool, looking forward to your next upcoming work.
The hard part in all of this for me is just meeting/ being attracted to a new potential partner and feeling a fresh sense of desperation/anxiety all over again simply because the person is different and it feels different this time. But it's often (almost always) the same pattern just repackaged in the form of a new person. I hope to be able to catch myself out of the drama tri/anxious attachment tendencies with each and every new situation and circumstance. Forgetting these lessons and, by extension, forgetting myself is the hard part, let alone doing all of the other ground work towards grounding myself in my self and my inner child and building trust with myself again for the rest of my life.
Woah! When she got to the fearful avoidant part i did NOT expect to get read to FILTH!! 😱😱😱😂 this is some good stuff man
Heidi, you are absolutely amazing!!! I have never heard these things presented like this!!! Wooooow!!!!! I am so happy I found your channel and incredibly grateful that you exist and that you are sharing this with us for free!!!
Best explanation on the drama triangle I have EVER seen. THANK YOU! 👊
I felt so seen when you talked about the fearful avoidant type. I understand myself a lot better after watching your videos. Thank you so much!
Heidi, your work is a labor of love and self-renewal. Thank you so much.
Wow this video is amazing!!! The way she explain this topic is so clear so understandable is so clear so understandable and so much detail that really made me see my problem that I have right at this moment. God bless this lady 🙏🙏
Holy moly, Heidi. I’ve watched this before, and again, and again today. And today, I got it. I’ve taken attachment style quizzes and I couldn’t believe that I kept coming up as a fearful avoidant, but today I get it. I am fearful avoidant. Kinda makes me feel like crying, but now I know what I’m working with. I feel I’ve moved from the savior role, into the coach role. The relationship survived and things are actually going really well. As I’m showing up for myself and healing, he’s doing some healing too. I’m stepping back from care taking and he’s taking care of himself. He’s sober curious now too, which is wonderful. Thank you for the work you do. I appreciate you. ❤
Honestly, Miley Cyrus's song Flowers helped me see this idea of dating yourself so well. I felt like it really helped me start to do things for myself.
Oh my god! This video slapped me right in my face... i did some work for few last years with my mental state.. i could tell it was hepfull and my life got so much better, , but i knew there is something else.. And that is it! I am fearfull avoidant. I just cought myselt going into victim then my husband was busy all the weekend and I didnt got attention.. i felt sad and lonely, and right after that ibecame angry avoidant and cought myselt thinking about divorse...again.. its quite ussual for me.. the same day i was watching your videos....I understand everything now.. why i am like that.. why i am doing it..Its best timming. I know i will have work a lot to change it and centre myself better.. but now i can be more aware. Thank You, Your work is very helpfull.. thank you very much!
Thanks so much for all your content! It helped me understand my own patterns tremendously over last few months and I start to see a pattern where I’m flopping into victim mode, where I’ve been in the rescuer role and where I went full on persecuter in the past. Looking into the circle of influence and internalizing the thought of “I’m not able to influence someone else’s behaviour” helped a lot. In the end we can only look at ourselves and make changes there. Taking responsibility for our own adult selves instead of taking it for others. All the explained patterns speak to versions I have been in the past and I’m finally learning to break this damned drama cycle. Thanks a lot!
TFW the video you're watching to improve yourself for your soulmate calls you out for trying to improve yourself for your soulmate 👀
LOVE your videos, thank you Heidi. In case it’s useful to you in helping others, or to other Expats: as you say at around 8:58, one can struggle to find love with something as large an entire SOCIETY (a different culture) and that culture can have its own attachment style tendencies. If that doesn’t predominantly match well with the Secure ideal we’re all aiming for on here, or “normal” is seen more in that culture as what’s predominantly been “defined” by primarily US-based studies as “avoidant” … then you’re likely to have a bad time personally. And in a relationship, that becomes even more complicated. Because (my new, developing belief) is like what you say: your expectation or desire for OTHERS to change to fix you feeling “unloved” can be an entire SOCIETY. So trying to navigate your societal/cultural discomfort (often solitary and alone, with few others who can relate to you/it) as an expat and doing it anything less than remarkably can then also kick off anxious feelings in yourself which is just waiting to spell an anxious-avoidant trap in your relationship if your partner happens to have even some amount of DA tendency (societally or personally). Poison.
It’s a special case, but finding good attachment information online for those living abroad or with kids in the mix is really difficult. Hope it helps someone. Hard-found knowledge.
Attachment isn’t something I’ve found discussed or researched in significant ways outside the US. Or data about societal tendencies. It would be crazy interesting to know.
You can find books outside the US. But many are in English, or if they’re translated, they’re translated objectionably and problematically poorly.
For example, the book “Attached” has been retitled in the German translation as “Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben”, or “Why We Always Fall in Love with the Wrong One”. A horrible title, and one no one feels inspired to share upon discovery with the partner. A large hurdle to these ideas spreading to where they might reach more of the world, assuming humanity needs much of the same things, ideally.
Can imagine foreigners coming the US struggle to understand why they don’t feel like they fit in, particularly over time in relationships. But US expats overseas or wherever may struggle so apply attachement theory to a person or culture which sees no need to bend to the will of the US standard of “secure”. So how do we challenge ourselves to overcome or accept this ourselves - especially so relationships feel fulfilling to both partners, of whatever culture?
Yikes, the first 7 minutes of this video made me feel like I was suffocating. As a healing FA, I'm even more relationship-averse right now than I usually am between relationships (often due to the amount of rage and resentment I have for my usually narcissistic or DA ex-partner). After a lifetime of over-giving in relationships and never getting my needs met, the last thing I want is to have to take care of somebody. This video is so excellent in general, it should have more traffic. But that description of APs and how they play the victim to get their needs met evoked a visceral revulsion. Nothing makes me feel more manipulated than someone trying to get me to respond to them according to their demands.
I finally understand attachments🙂 Thank you , Heidi!
I like the way you explain these things, helps me put my thoughts in order. Thanks!
Your advice to those who have an anxious attachment strategy to “date yourself” is working for me. I
appreciate the actionable to do!
all your videos are so incredibly comprehensive.
I have felt more understood just by watching your videos this past week than I have my whole life.
Thank you thank you for your work!! I really mean it. 💛
Thank you for your incredible work.
Wowwwww I needed this. Fearful avoidant here....youndescribed my emotions to a T!!!! "Mutual hostage situation", yup
Thanks for your passionate work. I would offer a slightly different perspective as I think you’re confusing anxious and fearful-avoidant (it’s also more clear to me to label what you’re calling avoidant, dismissive - or dismissive-avoidant):
Persecutor = Dismissive = Attack
Victim = Avoidant = Avoid
Rescuer = Anxious = Accommodate
This is also based in Karen Hornet’s work on the basic anxiety brought about by insecurities in childhood as well as basic defense mechanisms from the more primitive/animal parts of our brains:
Moving Towards - Fawning = Anxious
Moving Against - Fight = Dismissive
Moving Away - Flight = Avoidant
Also, Challengers don’t just challenge themselves, they challenge *others* with calm-assertive energy vs the aggression of the persecutor. As David Emerald says in The Power of TED, “Challengers evoke or provoke the will to create in others.”
Love this! Thank you for this video it gives me hope that change and healing is possible!
This is to my mind one of your epicest videos. I can’t even say exactly why. It just is so clear and intensely kind and supportive. It has the effect on me of drinking four espressos and feeling happy and empowered and uplifted with agency. I feel like printing out the transcript and creating wallpaper and clothing with it. I hope you can feel how immensely appreciated you are.
I thought I was an ENFP but then I watch you and feel like my ability to convey complex information is… not like yours. Somehow it feels important to be able to. It is to my mind an extraordinarily beautiful gift to have that ability and equally, it allows one to give this beautiful gift to others. To enhance transparency in a way that seems to me important and meaningful.
Your videos have been so helpful! Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. 🤗
~A Soon to Be Secure Person (currently Avoidant) 😆
Heidi, you have changed my life - thank you so much!
Omg this was epic! I just took 8 pages of notes!!
Notes and journals is the best 💪
Heike I have been in and out of therapy since 1994! Been on Alpha courses! Been on well being retreats, New Age talks etc etc…. Constantly looking for a reason why I have chronic depression since I was 12 years old
Your Videos on attachment explains why I can’t keep friends or boyfriends!!!
Thank you, Heidi. This was really helpful
Lots of great information! May I make a suggestion? It would be great if you talked a tad slower. It may just be me, but it’s hard to absorb all the information so fast. I still love your videos! Thank you for making them!
Thanks!
thankyou for this series
Speaking as a recovering DA, much said here about DAs applies. However, I was generally not inclined to blame others for my difficulties but thought of myself as flawed. I had boundary issues in the sense of not applying them, kind of as if I had some AP ness. My difficulty with potential mates is spot on, as stated here, but my problem with relationships with people in general, I'd self-blame to a fault. This discomfort in my own skin led me to seek therapy and do something about it. I never felt "secure".
In PDS (see Thais Gibson) they talk about core wounds of being stupid or useless). Results in learned helplessness behavior.
@@emilyb5557 Yes, I think that fits.
Your channel is a life saver ❤
Learned so much, especially about myself, with this video. You're a gift.
i think what frustrates me the most w/an anxious partner is that it seems like everything gets designated as a lava pit AFTER the fact...i'd be way more okay if they'd just lay down the law and tell me where the lava pits are, so that as long as i'm not in those spots, i know it's okay
but that's not gonna happen because if they tell you where the lava pits are, then they'd have to commit to being okay as long as you stay away from those lava pits...and that's a commitment they're not able or willing to make, because there's no real thing as a "lava pit." the lava pit is not a danger zone...the lava pit is just a label that gets slapped onto whatever happens to be there, regardless of what's actually there. there's always a lava pit because the point isn't to avoid the lava pit, but to maintain the process of lava pit evasion.
another way i think about it is, i can live with "playing the victim"...the part that cuts is getting cast as the villain all the time. demands are fine, accusations suck.
"i need, i need, i need" is livable, "you need to __" is bearable
"you didn't do __, you don't care about me because ___" - I'MA RIP MY HAIR OUT!!!
Thank you so much Heidi for this video! I have only learned this year about my PTSD and what symptoms that entails and you talk a lot about attachment styles and both together give me a pretty good picture of my life so far. I "fear" I am fearful-avoidant, especially this cycle of relationships and single-time really hit hard for me. It was totally the nail on the coffin. I realize that my last relationship was with an avoidant and I was totally in anxious-mode nearly all the time and it made me absolutely crazy and I played a huge role in making this co-dependant too. We both realized this, but couldnt leave at the same time. It was so weird. We were together for over four years and sometimes this mixture set in and I felt for weeks the biggest resentment I have ever felt for another human being, coupled with huge swathes of shame and guilt. I was his savior. Haha, this sound so crazy, but he really did change for the better, just I didnt. I became more and more of a mess until he broke up and I finally realized what this all was. But now, knowing these attachment styles and my trauma wounds, it makes so much more sense and I can finally give names to thoughts, habits, behaviours, patterns, whatnot and it makes it so much easier for me. Whats not easier, is obviously healing from this and I find myself being a hermit all the time, thinking I am selfsuffient when only I am suppressing the need for human connection, until it tores me apart and I long for it so much, that I tick into anxious mode and seek whoever I can save next. It is literally how I operate and sadly, even knowing this and feeling this, doesnt just make it stop, haha. I wish it would, many of us here probably. But yea, I will go on trying to heal myself from this. And your videos really make a difference for me, in feeling heard and seen and also getting valuable information, with respect to the hard way we have all going for us. Thanks. Wish you a great christman season!
Omg! The best video I’ve watched on YT so far. Just wow!.. Thanks
17:02 avoidant attachment
37:36 for all types of
You're simply the best coach ever. 🏋️♀️
You have taught me so much about myself. I love your channel and I am striving every day to work on the relationship with myself and others. The only statement I would disagree with is where you said parents, if they're doing it right, act like everything is OK. This is confusing to children when they feel something different but your words are saying something else. I believe it's absolutely ok to tell your children if something made you feel a certain way in a very honest but non-emotional dumping way.
What a fantastic video this is ❤ thank you Heidi
Wow, what wisdom!
I follow your videos, but I missed this and part one …. these two videos really hit home and I have much better understanding of attachment styles and my personal experience. Thanks so much.
These videos are life changing. Thank you, Heidi. Just, thank you 🙏🏼
Wowzzzzz this really got me thinking
I loved that you said "stay regulated" at the end of this video! 😂
I was pretty secure until I met a FA. He was anxious at first and I reassured him with everything constantly - and then he got super avoidant, and I got more and more anxious
I appreciate your content SO much. ❤️
YOU READ ME FOR FILTH ON THE FA SECTION MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR
Absolutely fantastic! There was so much helpful information, it's hard to know where to start. Thanks, Heidi!
This is so so so good
So articulate...❤
This gives me a lot of clarity and hope
Wow. thank you
This has been extremely helpful, thanks for making it.
Everybody gangsta until they're getting read to filth by a RUclips video
In all seriousness, great video. This stuff is hard to hear, but I'm glad I listened
Great video, brilliantly explained and very helpful. Thank you! 🙏🏼💜💚
Thank you❤
Thank you for your great videos. I learn so much from you . The drama triangle has been eye opening. Is there a book that you would recommend that covers this in detail?
Fearful avoidant definitely called me out
12:23 --> "2 people who can take care of their own needs (the same way they would if they were single) but then they go to each other to share an experience of life and show support for each other as they move through challenges"
There is something here that doesn't add up. If i'm able to take care of my needs when i'm single, why would i want to go and talk with someone else? I mean, if i was able to sort out whatever i needed on my own then i don't need to talk about it again with anyone else. Its done, its sorted/solved.
Don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to defer on your judgement on this one 😅
such a pot of gold. Thank you so much for this.
great explanation 👍
Shout out to the best sign off: stay regulated
This is phenomenal, thank you 🙌