It takes curiosity to really understand and accept someone. I don't want them to tolerate me, but to actually understand me. It takes time and effort to understand someone who is different. That's love.
Great video. When I married my husband 24 yrs ago, I just thought he was a quiet introvert. Very shy. As our marriage unfolded I came to realize it was something more. I did try to mold him into a more social person. He is very loving and sweet. He was diagnosed as being ‘on the spectrum’ three years ago. I watch these videos to learn how to love him better. Thank you for your invaluable insights.
I have been with my loved one for almost five years and resonate so strongly with what I am learning here! I know I can’t diagnose but am resonating so strongly I somehow want to share with him. . I have to stop trying to protect him and allow him to be who he is. It’s exhausting for me and not loving or kind. I feel the best way to help is to do my own work of releasing the strong ideas of conformity I had to adopt as a child who was unmet in her soul having to find safely “out there”. I want to shine The light of awareness on my own blindness. In this way, maybe I can let go and allow my beloved to shine in his own vibrant light . He is so beautiful and sweet and kind. I see how he struggles and it breaks my heart, but I can no longer try to protect him. Instead I have to hold him with unconditional regard. I have to hold him in the fullness that he is, as he is. Thank you so much for this amazing work you are doing in the world to help educate and heal the misunderstandings that contribute to masking, hiding, judging ourselves & others.
@@nike2354 I've been working on my relationship with my Aspie Partner, for a few months. First thing that helps us is realising that we both are difficult personalities. It opens the door for accepting each other. We know that we need to put a lot of effort to build this relationship. Zero romanticism, no crystalic sugar in the air or so. Trying to build my own self confidence helps him to open and rely on me. He supports me, I support him. For me diagnosis was a relief. We started to know that he is like he is. I started to understand why he does some things. Trying to figure out how he shows feelings for me. This is just a different language, not broken!
I'm doing this with my wife who is recently diagnosed. I love her unique perspectives and how honest she is but wondered for years why she didn't always reel it in in social situations. Either that or participate much in social conversations. It's been difficult to communicate how I love her uniqueness but also want to help her with things she struggles with. These videos have really helped us to navigate that.
Great video. So instead of "you're weird and unacceptable, please spend a lot of energy acting normal" the message becomes "you're unique and valuable, but to help you get the most out of life here are some tools to maximise your effectiveness in inevitable situations where putting on an act might help you get by." This way the atypical person can celebrate their perspective and maintain confidence while choosing to apply social strategy where it helps them achieve their own goals. It's like learning a language to help you get by in another country, makes ordering a coffee easier, but you can still day dream in your native tongue.
"you're weird and unacceptable, please spend a lot of energy acting normal" the message becomes "you're unique and valuable, but to help you get the most out of life here are some tools to maximise your effectiveness in inevitable situations where putting on an act might help you get by." This way of communicating man...this would had led to such a different life for me, instead i got the > why are u so weird, u stupid, im ashamed of you, you never gonna do or be something..and i was always like, >dont u have a different way to express, can u teach me something without getting angry, why u hate me for no reason, dont u see that im on my own stile of doing and talking and just my own, u dont have a person in ur life that is similar to me..why u treat me like shit, why cant i be just ok for once...not whining just making a point, support your weirdness even if others dont like it that much
I think too many people who are neurotypical try to fit in and pretend they are something they not. It is a universal thing to want to be accepted but it makes you very unhappy to try be something you are not. There is a good lesson in this video for us all to examine who we are, be ourselves; it is not just about autism. It is for everyone.
I blame it to religion: brainwashed people into obey an almighty mythological invented being that will punish you eternally if you don't surrender and act according his commands. This religion charade was invented few centuries ago by Constantin emperor as a geopolitical mass weapon to enslave people. It's so hard to wake up people from their matrix, that they don't need to fit in the system box, that there is not such god that will get mad, that they need to question themselves and everything and do not believe what the media says. This absurd programming makes people weak and vulnerable to orders from whatever they call authority (parents, teachers, police, politicians, priests, nuns, god), they are forced since birth to believe in their lies and never questioning them. The fear of being ridiculed and left behind is what force them to move along the flock. I am not an asperger, I am a revel, I am the resistance.
Maria Byrne I totally agree. However, the important distinction to bear in mind is that for NT, the creation and maintenance of these masks is almost instinctual, whereas for us it takes an indescribable amount of effort, conscious attention and focus. And this can cause long term harm in terms of disregulation of certain endogenous neurotransmitters.
@@mightyr9721 I love what you said there.I agree all the way. But than I question myself, are some people on that level of conciousness to be moral if they are not scared of some divine punisment.Honestly,I think,sadly majority of people are not there yet.Maybe we ,as a species still need that religious fear.I hope that will change soon.
Brene Brown (in her book Braving the Wilderness) writes about about the difference between 'fitting in' and 'belonging' and that kids know instinctively it is better to belong than to fit in, but we are taught we must 'fit in' rather than create spaces of belonging.
I'm honestly thankful I have my wife in my life. She is the only neurotypical person (or person in general) who makes me feel comfortable to be myself. It's extreamly exhausting trying to fit in "normal society".
It breaks my heart that my little boy quite often uses the words "I'm broken and a failure".... at 5yrs old!!!! 😞 He's quirky and one in a million. His ability at problem solving amazes me daily (some of the solutions he builds and creates so that his toys live up to his imagination are superb). His mind fascinates me, how he thinks outside the box and his perspective is always interesting and different. 😍 Thanks for the video, it is inspiring and informative and always!! Xx
Give him a hug for me and tell him how brilliant I think he is. It’s more encouraging sometimes to hear it from a stranger bc Mom’s are almost always loving and accepting and can see no wrong in their kids. Maybe he thinks that way... I sure did. That’s what I thought growing up. Bless this sweet angel baby! Aw that’s heartbreaking. At five he’s aware of these feelings and that makes him extremely smart. I had no clue. It’s a super unfortunate circumstance to show his intelligence but tell him someone thinks he’s brilliant, beautiful and a TOTAL success. Different is essential to everyone. We need ppl to be different. I struggled with social norms growing up. I attracted toxic ppl as an adult and felt like so much of a failure I wanted to die. (Don’t tell him that maybe. 😐) But then I realized I had the power to choose. I had my own unique voice and so does he. He will know it. And he’ll find it much sooner than me I’m willing to bet. ❤️💯🥰 Keep advocating for him mama until he finds more of his voice and can do it himself. He’s amazing!
Try your best to find other kids with aspergers in your community for him to meet. It’s life changing to realize there are others like you out there who have the same quirks, because you genuinely love them for those quirks, so you realize you can be loved for those same quirks ❤️ it changed my life to meet my best friend, who’s the only other aspie I know :)
My husband says this to me. He says he's broken... And I never understood it until now when studying aspies.. He's not been diagnosed and I'm not going to say anything or force it I just want to speak this language to help him and us
I wish my parents would accept me in that way. They withhold contact, if I don't behave as they believe is socially acceptable and so if I want their love or attention I have always had to be a completely different person and hide my aspie side. It is so disheartening, exhausting for me and has led to great soul searching and much depression (if your own family wants you to be a different person, what can I expect from the rest of humanity). But I am fortunate to have found 2 people in this planet, who don't judge and have accepted my quirkiness as a positive as they know me as I really am. I am grateful to have found them.
JAMQWERT I'm a gay daughter to two very religious parents. I feel where you're coming from. I'm glad you found a family from your heart rather than just your blood.
I've been treated that way all my life, especially at home and especially by my mother. Just a few weeks ago she barged into my home told me horrible things and said "I was sick in the head and she didn't care about what's wrong with me" and I'm going to be 54 yrs old this November 6th. All my damn life I've never fit in,felt damaged and weird and never got any sort of acceptance at home. My home life was way worse and more painful than the outside world. My mother constantly beat me down and berated me. I'm tired of struggling to fit in. Thanks to this channel I finally know why I am the way I am. I'm okay how I am and can finally accept myself as I am and if nobody else can, well it sounds like a personal problem they have to me.
To use an analogy: we're all dealt a hand in the card game of life. Some of us luck out and have cards we want to keep because they'll help us, some of us get dealt a truly shitty hand and we need to trade for better cards. Found family / family of the heart IS family. People who actively choose you value you more than the people who take you for granted. I hope this helps, if only to give another perspective.
@@plissabarrett7358 Lock the door. If your Mum shows up again with that attitude, threaten to call the police. If she fails to heed the warning. Call the police. Charge: Harassment. I know she's your Mum, and I know her own upbringing is faulty with that ludicrous attitude of hers (so technically, not her own fault), but you are still a Human being and you still possess basic rights. And from where I'm sitting, you Mum is violating your basic Human Rights. No amount of "faulty upbringing" or ignorance on her part are valid excuses for that unacceptable conduct. I know that sounds harsh, but in my eyes, she would be reaping what she herself has sown. People must be taught definitively not to sow that kind of rubbish. It is not healthy and thus, not conducive to Society.
My Son is not diagnosed but it’s obvious that he is asbergers. He is a wonderful person and very smart but he does think very different than most people! He is a martial arts instructor and very good at it but cannot keep his own room clean! He works hard at being a normie but I keep telling him to be him! I love my son! He is my gift from God!
I think that there is a way to communicate to Aspie's ways to minimise social issues without it being akin to telling them they are broken. You can simply point out that there are certain functionalities of the brain that they struggle with so that some tasks are harder for them than for others. That doesn't mean they don't have to try and not do things that offend other people- if you say that then you basically minimise the feelings of those other people who are hurt. It can be stressful and a lot of responsibility to do this- but it has to be a compromise between Aspie's and non-Aspies. The non-aspies must have patience and NOT JUDGE but the Aspies must also try to adapt to some extent. It has to be compromise from BOTH sides.
My company had 2 career paths for engineers: traditional management and technical specialists. During my interview, they explained most companies only have traditional management with running projects and interacting with clients (very social), but that they have very skilled people who don't want that, but are still very valuable to the company and needed a career path for moving up, so the opened up the technical expert path with equal salaries. It's worked out really well both for the people working here and for marketing our company because we have experienced experts. I was thinking, this could be great for those on the spectrum too. Hopefully, more companies adopt a variety of caree paths for the variety of people who work there. I'm not in management, so I don't know what would happen if someone being interviewed said, "I'm on the spectrum, so I'm not confterble making eye contact, but I do love looking at computer screens or whatever you'd have to do a lot of at the job." I imagine it would break the ice, so they can talk about your valuable skills without wondering why someone is behaving differently. I think most folks are now familiar enough with autism to know people on the spectrum bring a unique perspective to the company which is valued because most everyone is stuck in their own boxy way of thinking.
Wow! I've never had that in my life, like not even from a parent. Being treated this way, as a child, would've saved me 13 years, in intensive psychotherapy. I've always ended up disappointed in relationships, because I am able to love this way, yet finding another person capable of it, has been daunting. I'm only realizing at 36, that this is what I've been going through, my entire life. I've been misdiagnosed, so many times, it's been torture. This seems to fit like an old glove, though. I really appreciate your videos, man. Thank you!
Abuse and neglect should never be tolerated whether on or off the spectrum. I love my husband with all my heart, I enjoy his unique mind. There are times when I need to feel accepted, worthy, and unbroken, as well. ♡
I can relate to this, I also have my needs; if I have that ... Once In A blue Moon urgent urgent need for his assistance that needs to interrupt his day list. Or to have a mere few minutes in the day that he may add me to his to do list. Or only to be a listener while he rattles on for hours about his obsessive interests. I find that I'm supposed to be a selective shadow. Maybe please share with us how are we supposed to cope. Or collaborate with a professional how we can convey to someone in this spectrum that we their partners, become broken.
Exactly. It is not just about whether or not the person gives eye contact! Unconditional love and acceptance is pretty much a licence to continue abuse and psychological emotional harm for some.
@@anaachadinha8595god bless you. I hope you find a therapist . Maybe journal your day - it gives a record of your efforts and a place to park upsets before bed and the end of the day so sleep comes and repairs torn hearts
I was constantly told, by my mother especially, to "modify my voice" or "look people in the eyes when I'm talking to them" and bla bla. She even did the weird praising stuff of: "Good! That social interaction went well!", "You've got so good at eye contact!" It always made me feel really uncomfortable, and I asked her to quit doing it multiple times. As an adult, I understand that her intentions were good, but I also remember asking her when I could quit "modifying myself" and just be me.
10:00 in I started to cry, the thought of someone having that level of acceptance and truly seeing someone is something I have not experienced very much if at all really. It’s good to see that level of value and unconditional love is possible.
Aspies are the most pure and innocent souls on earth! ❤ Thanks for making these videos. Your advice is more practical and clear to understand than any other neurotypical influencer online giving out relationship advice.
When my late son was born back in the early 90s his condition was very new and very little support for the families was available back then, sadly. Our love was for sure always unconditional. Wish we could have done more. Always enjoy your videos, so much I can relate.
So sorry to hear of your loss of your son 🥺 We are the same our son was also born in the 90s we found out only a few years ago that he was Asperger’s so hard when you don’t know 🥺
Wow. Presented this way, it really gives food for though. The more confirmation of the success of fitting in, the more emphasis on success of the acted persona - not the real person, i.e, "YOU cannot get positive reactions to YOUR personality. Only your invented persona. "
This is a classic video...so helpful for us NTs. Nobody should feel that their authentic self is not acceptable, especially by the closest people to them. This message was so eye-opening and helpful! Thank you for all you do educating us all on how to better understand and be more compassionate.
Thank you so much for doing these videos, they're really helpful for neurotypical people like me to better understand the spectrum. My ex bf was autistic and I didn't fully comprehend at the time how everything worked and did not understand the recharge phase at all - needless to say, it was extremely painful for me and I thought he was ignoring me. Now I think one of my best friends might be an aspie as well since she seems to have a lot of these traits.
This made me cry, I've honestly never related so much in my life, I wear a mask with most people, if they knew the real me, honestly I'd be seen as weird, odd, eccentric, I feel like a freak sometimes, I just aren't the same as most people, I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, it's so tiring. I have so many good points but I don't think like everyone else, I can't wait to go for my diagnosis. I'm scared people won't like the real me, I've been the real me to some and haven't accepted me for exactly who I am and it broke me, I've put the mask back on because I feel so vulnerable and too scared to be myself. My husband and kids know the real me, so I'm not alone, I just wish I found friends that would do the same, I'm not sure I'll be able to put myself out there again but this video makes me feel less alone, there's others like me x
Darn, that is a perceptive and relevant comment for me. I always tried to be 'there' for my wife but as I also had thoughts of equality I often misjudged what being 'there' looked like from her perspective. She was very capable of ding all tasks herself but with hindsight I can now see that her opinion might be that I should take the lead more rather than share.
A girl in my country was bullied by her parents into sterilisation because "it would be irresponsible to have aspie kids and pass on her disease". Believe me you did enough.
Thanks!!! I was looking for this video. I am neurotypical and have been looking around for a guide on how to fascilitate a safe space for a person to unmask. I assumed it would look like a laundry list of characteristics (fawning, P.D.A., etc, etc) to keep in my mind, but really I guess I was overthinking things. Also the conformity + compliance = masking might also help my Aspie friend with a problem she is currently having which she believes is related to not being able to completely unmask. I think she believes that mask is the cause of the behaviour when I have been suspicious that it is the other way around and that the behaviour is keeping her from being able to completely unmask.
Fantastic video, thank you! This is exactly why I had to leave a job I was offered in ABA therapy with young children on the spectrum .. I could not be a person in their lives that reinforced the lie that they were not "OK" .. beautiful to hear from an adult exactly how that actually effects a person .. this information needs to be shared with "professionals" in the field of support for children on the spectrum .. excellent, excellent, excellent information, thank you
Neurotypical society is incredibly narrow minded and judgmental. I've gotten to the point where, I'm actually turned off by popular people, and conformist people. In the past I would think in terms of how I would be accepted by others, and now, I think more in terms of who would be accepted by me. You're not broken, if you're autistic. People who think that are too narrow and rigid.
I struggle with the message you just put out because I understand you and why you are completely turned off by popular people or conformist people, but if you think in terms now of who "who would be accepted by me" or as I am understanding it maybe wrong who you choose to accept, you are becoming just as rigid and judgmental about people who aren't similar to you or you don't deem acceptable and I think that is something that we have to watch out for. I see a lot of POC or LGBTQ people say I'm getting to the point where I just don't like cis white people and that's a very generalized thing to say and it's very judgmental to me and it's creating an us versus them atmosphere which doesn't bridge but walls up the two groups of people.
@@markmavel I think you've missed the point dude, I think what she's getting at is self acceptance, 'who do I want to let into my life', 'who do I want to spend my time on', as someone who also lives with high functioning autism I wholeheartedly agree with the view that mainstream culture is very narrow and judgemental and I've personally felt the overlap of that, it makes you feel unwillingly cast out and you spend far too much time trying to fit into crowds you don't fit into, she's found a way to make peace with this and that's what she's expressing here
@@thehypest6118 I'm sorry you've come across this. I see it too... they don't really prove they aren't hostile and unempathetic either. They react so quickly. Neuros are tiring...
I was not diagnosed with autism but I am different, maybe I just have brain damage, im not sure but I do agree with what you said. I know this young woman with autism and I haven't spoke to anyone else with autism (she is an aspie) but she just stands out so much, I haven't talked to many people throughout my life but she is the best person I have ever met and im in love with her but she likes someone else and she wont understand why I feel this way about her but I wish I could make her understand. Summary: Autistic people are amazing. Gonna kill myself now, thanks for reading if anyone actually did for some reason.
Being a non aspie, I look at the masking issue as an analogy to washing produce off before displaying it in the market. Or, like women who have to put their make-up on. It seems to be a way of putting yourself up for display in a "social marketplace". The trouble comes when your sense of self worth is identical to your social marketplace worth. Then, you fall victim to superficial judgements, don't you think? But when you can't make yourself marketable, and all you hear is the message that you have to be marketable, it takes a lot of strength of character to persevere. So the key lesson is to relate to others' true character, and not their mask. And if they confuse their mask with their true character, then the relationship is built on an illusion. My takeaway from this is to prevent others from being too enamored with who they think I am - my mask, their false projection about what I'm all about - but encourage others who can positively relate to me in a more unmasked state. Its not easy. People won't bother delving into your unmasked identity, just as I don't nother trying to read a long poem - a lot of work and no reason to believe that it will be worth it in the end. So there has to be an attractor, something to hook them in, something that motivates them to try a little harder to know you, some mystery that they can't help but want to solve.
Paul…Really good message today! I’m like a lot of other Aspie’s. Grew up abused and rejected. So, this made me feel very sad. Looks like the comment section is full of us!
I was honestly questioning myself if I was a narcissist even though I also am easily affected by the emotions of others and am very sensitive. It didn’t quite make sense. But realizing that I am probably on the spectrum makes it make a whole lot more sense. I used to question myself if I was a “fake” person and didn’t realize it. Now it think it was just masking.
Yknow, whether or not i'm autistic, the part whrre he talks about people pressuring you to mask in order to stay friends or family is really important. I got into fights constantly at home because it took SO MUCH EFFORT not to just tell the other kids or teachers exactly what a situation actually was since they all seemed to live in some cloudy, half-blind psuedo-reality. And then i had to come home and attempt to satisfy my parents, the ones who society tells me i should be able to be honest with, in their own narcissistic fantasy realms? Yeah, nah. Even if i'm not autistic or the presenter isn't, this video is dead on to my experience.
Message of this video is very strong in general, not just for those who are on the spectrum. To my experience, acceptance and forgiving mistakes are keys for building not only a good relationship or a good community, but also a good society (with reasonable limits, of course). But it's easy to see why it's even more important, than in general, for the ones within the spectrum. I am not (at least not officially), but I'll share a story. Lesson here is that if you are struggling, it might be good to really consider your options. For me it has always led to something better, but naturally change is always also a risk. In my early life I never truly found passion for my work. Partially sometimes, yes, but it was really often that I considered I had made a huge mistake regarding to my career. Challenges just were not correct ones and usually while working in a company, every single morning was a huge, huge struggle. I hate early mornings and can't stand cold, but I was good with technical stuff so I for example ended up dealing technical issues which were always outside, especially when it's really cold (usually problems started to really escalate below -20°C) and working day started at 06:00 a clock in the morning. Oh, the irony. One of my biggest turning points, also mentally, was a one single comment I heard at work (where I had just started working) which roughly was "All of us here are what we really are.". At first it did not cause that much of a reaction. I mean, it sounded like pretty general comment. But quite soon after, after surviving rather challenging (and actually very therapeutical) period, it all started to open to me. A while after starting it almost felt like I would have been torn into pieces, someone would have looked inside what lies there, build me up again and after analysis tell that okay, maybe you should do this instead. I was offered a little different position and I agreed instatly. And the result has been really awesome. Mostly I am not doing what I was originally hired to do (occasionally yes), but I focus more in technical and software related matters, which feels pretty natural after been dealing with computers daily since age of 7 (= for 30+ years, without actually ever realizing that's probably what I would have probably needed to study from the beginning with). And I usually also start working at 10:00 a clock. :) Again a huge realization about importance of acceptance had happened. All it needed was someone to say that "Hey douchebag, your in a wrong spot. Get over here and le't keep working". :) In our working community, there are people with disabilities, but their responsibilities are altered and scaled with that in mind. And that's a really important thing. This makes people grateful. And if your employee is grateful, he/she will do his/her best to accomplish the tasks he/she has been given. It benefits all. The individual. The community. The society.
Great video, thank you. I say to my aspie kid "There is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you" when he goes through meltdowns. This fraze, I found, helps me to stay true to who I am as well. xx
The validation part is great. Really. But we mustn't condone inappropriate behavior. After a meltdown it is important to help the kid realize how he got there, what triggered him, how to avoid getting so anxious and overwhelmed, etc. IF ONLY someone had taught me the things I am learning now about self-regulation. Would have made a world of a difference really. Not just for others but for my own mental health as well. It is such a strain to go through these cycles of stress, meltdown, recharge, and repeat. Making the stressful things of everyday life more manageable. That is what helps for real.
@@guesswho5790 Yes but those are two completely different things. It's good to remind your kids you love them, that doesn't mean you're not also telling them off if they do something bad
Great video. You say what I now know to be true with my friends and family that they love and accept me for who I am. I really struggled internally for most of my adult life with what you explained in the top half of the whiteboard.. trying to be compliant with everyone to gain a sense of approval but then only attributing that approval to the masked version of myself and feeling like an imposter on the inside. Thanks for this video it really just helped me work through some of that just now.
For some time now I have been looking for information, help to understand what asperger is, I came to this channel with thousands of questions blowing my mind, with a broken heart and an emotional shock that only those who have suffered an abrupt loss of someone know , it took me a year to heal from a love relationship with a person with Asperger's and I wish I had known all this sooner, we both would have suffered less, we wanted to give each other love but we didn't know each other's ways.. thank you very much for helping me understand❤️
I’ve been with my husband for about 20yrs, but he was only diagnosed last year. Our biggest issue is communication, but I’m only learning things like - he doesn’t get my sarcasm, he can’t focus in on what I’m saying if I randomly blurt something out, especially if there are distractions and no context. But, turns out it was his aspie qualities that I fell in love with all those years ago, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I'm so thankful my hubby and I found each other young in life. I believe we are both aspie, I'm diagnosed but it doesn't really matter on him. We are each other's everything. When we get rejected by everyone else, we have each other. Going on 23 yrs married and 2 beautiful girls. One nt and one possibly aspie
I am an aspie and I’ve always had strong love and respect for those I meet. Even those who have been rude or hurtful to me. It’s part of who I am to show unconditional love, respect and acceptance of others. Im not perfect at it and often because of my aspie ways I tend to mess it up being unable to show the love and points I mean to make. It becomes scrambled and sometimes ends up being more hostile than I’d ever want it to be. Unconditional love is a good idea but it’s also comes with risk of getting hurt by those who don’t accept this or take in it. And showing it to everyone often doesn’t work. They may hurt you more because they don’t understand or are too broken emotionally to believe this unconditional love is true. Comes with risk and of being drained and getting hurt. But slowly and shown to the right people it can make a world of difference. We aspies can change the world around us every day if we know how to show ourselves to others.
Having autism, you lack a deeper intimacy, as well as emotional empathy. I'm so tired of seeing this subculture of people thinking just being a misfit, growing up feeling alienated, generally struggling to adapt is inherently autism. It's so ridiculous.
I accept you as you are, and don't ask you to change. But if you're annoying I'm not hanging out with you. I get aggravated when I'm in close proximity to someone who is annoying. Thank you for not asking ME to change MY behavior just to accomodate YOUR wishes and desires.
I used to bounce a ball like that around for years. Pretty much my entire childhood. Seeing this validates what I already think about autism/aspergers.
Oh my word...this is THE most helpful video I've ever seen on this topic. Hands down most important information needed on this topic. I believe I'm married to an aspie and this is SO good, for years I felt like I was missing the manual on him, sadly believed he was broken and tried to fix him. Of course that didn't go well. Through my pastors help I committed by God's grace to just love him. Praise God I did-- but this video explains why we need to just love our aspies and tell them they don't need to change💜 thank you Paul!!!
Thank you again. This is great advice. I'm reminded of my dad who has been gone for a long time now. He always laughed heartily at weird things I said. Often times I did not understand why, I just knew that he loved me for the child I was. It helped me becoming the woman I am now, someone with a selfworth that can not be broken. I also have people in my life who become very angry at things I say. They always freak me out, because I do not understand what it was that triggered them. For me their anger comes out of the blue. I'll show one of them this one, out of love.
It's difficult when people who are close to you are not willing to do these things. They don't like to "talk" about problems. They'll just tell me "in future do it this way." Any attempts to provoke further discussion means being yelled and and told to shut up. No one wants to communicate anything because the mood is soo tense. The thing is, I don't feel like I've got the freedom to be myself around them. I'm walking on eggshells and constantly breaking them. All I can think about it those things that they have forbidden me to talk about. When one of the people in question showed vulnerability in front of me, I could have and should have at that moment comforted her, but how could I when I cannot be myself?
Omg! I grew up feeling that way! “If people knew the REAL me, they wouldn’t like me.” I used to say that I lived as a chameleon. I never knew I was on the spectrum until recently at 43. I have such a fear of making mistakes because of the things you talk about here. My current boyfriend constantly tells me he loves me just the way I am. I’m starting to believe him. It’s been like medicine for me deep to my core. I’ve never felt so seen, loved and accepted for the true me in my whole life as I do with him. ❤
I have that mask you are talking about and when I'm not home the mask is about 80-75% of my whole being, I have learned to perfect that mask to the point where it's very hard for someone who doesn't know me or who I haven't told to figure out that I have some form of ASD (I'm not formally diagnosed but on the way there). It is of course extremely demanding and I can only go max 4-5 hours before I work myself out and like today come home and feel like I have been forced to write a novel in 10 minutes. However this mask let's me get the social interaction that I need, it also lets me come close to the research subjects (xD) so that I can learn more about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, and when I become friends with someone I slowly take down the mask and I have been pleasantly surprised how many people accept me for who I am as long as I don't show the full me too fast, that usually scares them away and makes them uncomfortable. Now I know everyone has their own way and I can respect that, whatever floats your boat :) but the way I usually gradually take down the mask is that I start by telling them more about who I really am, what difficulties I have and what they should do when they feel like it's going too fast. I for example have a very hard time recognizing when someone doesn't want to speak with me and stays just to be polite, so if I meet someone (classmate or new friend etc.) that I think I will get to learn and not some one time interaction I tell them about the very basic stuff, and that which I have a hard time hiding. So for example with the whole me speaking too much or too loud I tell them that if they aren't really interested anymore and are just waiting for me to stop talking by myself so they can leave, they should tell me in a nice way that "Hey, I like talking to you but I don't really feel like it now, maybe some other time?" instead of everytime they see me they dislike more and more for my quirks and end up actively avoiding me like I have been through my whole school life. This has worked out pretty nice for me thus far and the more I can take off my mask amongst friends and mentors the longer I can stay social, and I usually also try to avoid strangers when I'm with my friends, so instead of maybe strolling down the town center I suggest that we could walk down some small road where there are not a lot of people walking by, it's pretty there, and no, not in some rapey or murdery fashion, I live in a town with a lot of nature just some houndred meters from the main city so it is actually very nice and in the summer it's usually really nice to walk around there and hear the birds singing and the wind through the trees :) Also when I'm first meeting people and talk about myself, my history and my diagnoses most people think it's really interesting and love to listen because many people have no idea about these kinds of things and many are genuinely interested in all the different quirks and ways I deal with just regular life. Even though I have a hard time seeing when someone is bored, it's pretty obvious to me when someone is actually really interested, they actively ask questions and listen to what I'm saying, it's really cool that my ability to speak for long periods of time has some use. I do think that a big part of people listening is that I am pretty articulate in my native language (Swedish). Thanks for the interesting videos mate, they have really helped me understand more about myself :D
TL;DR I don't personally think that I am wrong, I am just aware that if I am myself I will have no chance of meeting someone who will accept me at first glance sort of, I'm just too weird for them to even concider hanging out with if I don't try to regulate myself in the begining
TheZebinatorofficial this was very helpful. I suspect a co worker has it. I put it together especially the over sharing and super loud and long conversations. I will try to let her know that l liked talking but hv to get back to work not to hurt her feelings. She does create a high level of anxiety in me cuz l just didn't know what was going on. I stay silent cuz l am afraid if we talk it will nvr end so ur tip is very helpful. I ALMOST went to my boss cuz of the meltdowns and other stuff but now l am learning.
I just want to give that message to YOU - because you're a fellow Aspie that I greatly appreciate as a "friend on youtube" and I like you JUST the way you are! :-) You are awesome. Thank you so much for helping us with this. I always want to know how to make my friends with Autism feel more loved and valued.
Wow even if I'm NT this made me cry! I'd really love to be able to give that space of freedom to my As friend just as I actually try to do it for all my over relationships and with this video I realise I got first to get the thought out from my own mind that I need to get fixed to fit in and I cannot be loved, valued and accepted in the weird, crazy way I am. And then, accepting and loving myself and crazy ways and accepting to be loved in that way - because they are more and more people knowing me and loving me just as I am, though I can't totally recieve and believe it yet. And then, I'll be probably able to give the same unconditional love to the people around me, including my AS friend. But it all starts within me before wanting to help the overs. Well great, I'm in ! :) I love the clarity and insight each of your video gives me, thanks a lot.
That sounds more like telling someone they are inappropriate, wrong, broken, etc. but I am such a good person that I will tolerate you and I am going to "make" you feel loved not because you have innate value but because I am such a wonderful person that I am going to treat you as if you have value as you are so that I can motivate you to change in the way I want you to. It's not that you have innate value but I am so gracious, so loving, so much better than you. You are SO lucky that I am condescending to treat you as though your fully human. Once you believe I accept you as you are I will manipulate you into changing.
Autism, to me, is a kind of super power. I don't know if I am on the spectrum, I may be. However, I have a cousin with ASD. He's a BRILLIANT musician. He use to play and sing Elton John songs for the family, on a little keyboard, BEFORE THE AGE OF 10. I'm not a great musician, like he is, however, drawing and singing have been my biggest passions in life. I'm the creative type. I was diagnosed ADD as a child, but the more I learn, the more I think I may have been misdiagnosed.
Thank you for your message: tears came to my eyes. It's hard to say exactly why. Approaching sixty, it was during confinement that I realized that I was probably in the prism of autism. I do not find it useful to carry out a long and painful diagnosis now: it will not change anything. Also well anchored for a very long time in the first scenario. My self-control is huge and is now part of my personality. I also realize that despite this control, it did not save me professional setbacks. The most distressing thing is that until now, I was unaware of the causes of these difficulties (rejections, bullying, devaluation, ...) and considered the world as "mean". These difficult moments always came after periods of professional satisfaction and appreciation during which I conformed to the standard as much as possible. For two years, I stopped everything and try to survive by doing activities that suit me, for a while. This scenario seems fragile to me and I am always afraid of repeating the same vicious circle (success followed by relational failure). Another fear is desocialization because my efforts to be sociable are limited by my inability to maintain links. I still have a lot to learn. Thank you for the invaluable help you provide.
Day late and a dollar short. My mother is low functioning. She always needs music or movies going, does not have a regulated sleep or eating schedule. A recent car accident injury has caused me to move back in with her or be homeless. She does not have a concept of time or prioritize my sleep/work schedule at all. Without money from my job, we would both be hosed. It is hard to hear that she wants me to move out while she needs the money I contribute while my boss hasn't made me a permanent employee or offered me overtime because of my attendance. It is hard not to get resentful.
It's not unconditional in the sense of no boundaries that you should look for. Good autistic-neurotypical friendship is reciprocal, mutual, generous in it's assumptions, mutually respectful in it's approach. It's starting from the assumption that everyone's needs are equally valid but noone gets to trample other people to get them met. And closeness to neurotypical norms doesn't define what needs are more valid. But sometimes people can both be good and not be able to meet each others needs, in which case its communicating that in non-blaming way (we don't fit each other not you're wrong). It's differentiating between stuff that actually harms people (violence, racism, sexism, harassment etc) and stuff that makes them feel embarrassed-uncomfortable (talking about special interests for too long, stimming etc). Some autistics have a better understanding the why of social norms than some NTs (who often go along with oppressive things if the social order accepts them). It's using harm done to others as the measure of inappropriate rather than closeness to neurotypical rules. It's recognizing that everyone does inadvertent harm sometimes and considering intent and willingness to learn (balanced against the need to take space to avoid being affected by the harm) when addressing that for both NTs and autistic people. It's considering nt/ autistic communication styles when communicating about any inappropriateness (clearly and bluntly is good)
Yeah, this. This articulates really well something I’ve come to again and again - if you’re really different, you need some unconditional support. The problem is if this was never modeled or provided and you’re more than halfway through life without having found any of this or anyone willing to provide this. Even therapists cannot do this for me, apparently. Or, at least, the ones I’ve found also reject and condemn, eventually. The solution: become an ouroboros. I’m not sure whether that’s a solution or a dissolution. But whatever doesn’t solve, dissolves, methinks… Thank you for another great video
The interesting thing is, we neurotypicals had to go through the same process as you describe here, learning to fit in. Children learn not to have tantrums in public if they don't get their way. Children learn that talking in class gets them in bother with the teacher. Young adults learn what is acceptable and what is not when approaching a potential mate. They also learn things like how to get a job via an interview. The only real difference is that neurotypicals are able to 'read' nonverbal cues and intentions from others more easily than somebody on the spectrum. But we all had to learn what things we should not do. Things that we must do in order to gain acceptance and love. Things that go against what we want to do, but we are forced to do in order to gain things like jobs, etc. We ALL construct masks to hide what we are really like. That is not something that only people with Aspergers experience. How many neurotypicals, for example, get taken in by people who turn out NOT to be anything like what we thought they were like, when we first met them. Trust me, it happens all the time. All the time. We also get fooled. And we can all misread the mask we see. I feel very strongly that the key to friendship and love between Aspergers people and neurotypical people is communication. Open and honest communication. If we're not sure about something we need to have the courage to ask. Neurotypical people need to be exact and honest with their verbal communication, not make assumptions about motivation, be willing to listen. We need to understand that Aspies have needs and exhibit behaviours that are different from ours at times, which is perfectly okay and which is part of their persona. Aspies need to understand that neurotypicals can't help being the way THEY are either-and that neurotypicals also have needs. Aspies also need to learn to listen and understand and accept their neurotypical friend or lover for what THEY are, and not make assumptions about motivations or behavior. Or assume that neurotypicals have bad intentions, or are hiding bad intentions. Just keep communicating openly and you'll get there. If both sides can explain their point of view to each other as well as you have explained yours here, then friendship and love can certainly grow and remain constant between both sides of the spectrum.
I agree almost entirely but there is or can be a snag. I am at least a bit Aspie and was married for nearly 30 years. One problem was that on occasions my wife would ask what I am fee long or how I am and would then get annoyed when I said I had no idea how I am or specifically how I feed because I simply didn't know as I never thought about it. On occasions I was accused of looking angry when in reality my thoughts were nowhere particularly. We had hens that I would go and feed/check for eggs etc so not requiring any real thoughts but I was accused of looking cross/angry.
I am trying to explain a lot of this to my SO at the moment as I think this explains a lot of why I am able to function okay and generally come off as sociable, and “nice” out in public, but he doesn’t really understand why I can’t show as much apparent compassion at home. I am very forgiving to others and say yes to everything because I associate that with them liking me. I let people treat me like a doormat tbh. So when I get home, I just don’t have the energy for the mask anymore and I am comfortable around my husband and feel more comfortable being myself. Unfortunately, with that also comes with less energy to try to read his mind and provide physical affection. My default is for physical affection not to really cross my mind. I have to remind me to hug my kids even because I know that it will be bad for their mental health in the long run if I don’t. Which unfortunately leaves little for him. Trying to work on it.
OMG!!!!..... you have just articulated exactly what I have been trying to do with my two daughters for the past 30 plus years. I truly love my girls, I love the different way they think and act from the way I do. I’m the neurotypical one in this family. However, being that one makes me sensitive to their differences and the difficulties they face. Putting on that public mask is what we all do to an extent but I get it that I can come home, make a cup of tea and relax and be ready to go again but that the energy needed for my girls to put on and uphold their masks is all consuming and tiring. It often means days of shutting down in order to recover. I wish there was a way, and perhaps in the future there will be, that we can all learn to let everyone be themselves, take time for that being and still be allowed to participate meaningfully in society. Thank you. I’m learning lots listening to you.
Kerry Watkin Amen. Unfortunately I feel it’s only getting worse with social media, NTs living up to “norms” and kids don’t even know how to speak to one another face to face let alone accept someone that doesn’t appear “normal” It’s all getting worse instead of better. The whole thing sucks & saddens me greatly.
my god. I didn't know I could give people I need to have this this much worth in ONE video. I already repeatedly and repeatedly told them this kind of thing but it's so easy to get back to feeling broken. I actually found out I'm an Aspie and autist mix some hours ago. And I'm still coping with it, but I see that I'll get better from now on. Getting to know I'm an aspie-autist was a true bang for me as SO MUCH seemed to make sense all of a sudden! Going to see a therapist for sure to know where I stand anyway
This video made me realize where I made a mistake with my guy who is on the spectrum, it wasn't intentional on either side, but I made him think I don't love him unconditionally without meaning to when I do, and by doing so caused him to keep a mask on and pull away. But I have always told him that I love him no matter what, but sometimes actions speak louder so if I had realized at the time that what I was having a hard time moving forward with was essentially telling him there were conditions I would have done things differently. We are still together, but I am having a hard time getting him to realize he can go back to being vulnerable with me like he once was. I do my best to get him to understand that I am not going anywhere, but again had I found these sooner I don't think I would be having the difficulty I am now. I am still with him, and still there no matter what he throws at me, I just wish I had known that I should have done better about explaining my own hesitations instead of doing things the way I did.
Thanks so much for posting this. This presentation helped me solve a lifetime trying to figure out why I have had a fear of close, loving relationships due to feeling, 'if they really knew me, they wouldn't love me.' After years of keeping up a brave face, exhaustion and severe emotional and physical issues, trying to figure out 'what is wrong with me?' After 50 years, I figured out on my own that I have been living with ASD/Asperger's all my life...I can finally breathe and begin to put the pieces of my broken self together, realizing there isn't something 'wrong' with me...I'm just different...and if other people don't get that, it is their issue, not mine. Thank you again. Very important stuff here.
Hello. My name is Stefan. I think I met the love of my life only about 7 months ago. We are truly so in love but we fight like all the time. Simple things start a argument cos he cant see that this is no the way to talk to me. Say it kindly I say, so he goes it's not at all how I mean it, so i go,if you word the sentence this way than this is what it means an so and on. I got to realize by talking to my friends he likely must have aspergers. That makes me feel much better! So I thought is is a know who cant admit foulds. He is actually the most hones person I know!! To honest sometimes. So but now where I couldn't go is, I talked about one day in the future when we have sorted our differences,if he could see us living together. First he brought up how he is up all night and does his singing ( he sings in the opra and in choirs) I say I can deal with it as long he is up in the morning n days off. And we could sound prove a room and so on. But in the end he said I need my spiritual freedom, as he is very spiritual.. I am sorry to blahh out my life or a same sex coupple, you might not even agree with but if you dont mind to give me your opinion could be be just scared ?? He is 40 and I am his first ever relationship. Thank you for your time. I understand iifyou cant be ask to reply to a stranger. I life in New Zealand but are original from Austria so yes my spelling and grammar is a shocker! :) Regards Stefan
You are brilliant! So much of what you talk about...I can relate to and i appreciate that you share your struggles and successes, in such an authentic way! I want to have more non-judgmental relationships, and I still haven't found a partner that loves me unconditionally, but I am still full of hope and love.
I love the depth of mercy, grace and forgiveness that lies in the following Qoute: "LOVE covers a multitude of sin". The Beginning and Origin of mercy, grace and forgiveness is LOVE. And as Devine love shows in mercy, grace and forgiveness power even over sin; so human Love conquers any shortcomings, difficulties or problems in relationships where the love is bestowed on the beloved graciously, freely, compassionately and mercifully. That then freely produces a response of loving obescience in whatsoever is good and right and that completes the whole relationship of willingly placing the beloved's needs at the 1st priority level.
Beautiful concept. A most empowering message for aspies and just about anyone. Actually, id say that it applies to everyone. I believe that everyone, aspie or not, could totally relate to your message. It had a powerful affect on me and brought me to tears. I thought I had a good self image, that this didn't apply to me... That it was a non-issue. I never realized how much masking my idenity was affecting me. I'm Not one to conform, at least i thought i wasn't. I now realize that nobody really knows the real me, not even my husband of 20 years. What a sad reality and i only have myself to blame.
The first bit of this video really got me thinking about my younger years. Always wanted to ask questions, always wanted to let people know when they were wrong and (in my head it was helping) let them know the right answer. Was shut down and constantly told not to....unfortunately for me this developed into me finding it really hard to ask questions throughout my schooling.
It depends on what it is the person is saying or doing. If their hurting me with what their saying or doing then I will say something as it needs to made clear that whatever it was hurt me, the same as I need to be pulled up when I’ve said or done something hurtful to someone as I’m autistic and struggle too
This isn't just an Aspie problem. Neurotypicals are victims of this and wear masks all the time, too... For the same essential reason. Because, truthfully, we're all broken. Then we're all taught to "conform." So we all go through that feeling of not truly being accepted for who we are, and, "if people knew the real me, they wouldn't accept me." The difference is, it's easier for neurotypicals to recognize on their own that conforming is simply a skill that helps us behave in a socially acceptable manner in certain environments. They also seem to more readily recognize that we all wear masks and that a major part of the beauty of life is learning to look beyond the masks to see the mosaic of people and personalities behind them. So, they don't generally need the world to change its language to make them feel better within it. They are more likely to come to that realization on their own ('though, not always).
Thank you for summarizing this SO well! I knew this about my partner, years ago but most assume the worst... I just always knew he didn’t intend to be mean. Just not the same socially. He actually told me he was broken years ago in a conversation. So sad.
Very though topic to cover, regardless of our personal trivia are. I actually, admired you to address this topic, most people probably don't even admit to self ,let alone sharing to public.
I just wanted to say Thank You for sharing your life experience in a way that is so helpful to others. I have a friend who has not been diagnosed formally, but has 90% of the symptoms and signs of someone with Aspergers. He is one of the most amazing individuals I have ever met, and I would never consider him "broken " - but I have had to teach myself to learn his language and his way of communication. Very aware of the "mask" when it goes on, and also extremely flattered when it comes off and my friend is just being his brilliant self. Unconditional Love is the key, I am so thankful for your words of wisdom. You searched your brain and heart for the right approach, and what you came up with was spot-on!
@@autismfromtheInside wasn't expecting a reply. How nice. Your videos are a lighthouse of information. I watch two or three a day sometimes. Really trying my best to be there for my new friend. You have helped more than you could ever know.
I’m surprised I’m not the only one who thought like that...and lived like that to be accepted and to fit in. I copied those each character to each person and to each situation. So if those each person meet all together and discuss about me, they all will say different about me... Thank you for this..
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It takes curiosity to really understand and accept someone. I don't want them to tolerate me, but to actually understand me. It takes time and effort to understand someone who is different. That's love.
Great video. When I married my husband 24 yrs ago, I just thought he was a quiet introvert. Very shy. As our marriage unfolded I came to realize it was something more. I did try to mold him into a more social person. He is very loving and sweet. He was diagnosed as being ‘on the spectrum’ three years ago. I watch these videos to learn how to love him better. Thank you for your invaluable insights.
Any tips... I'm dealing with the same and we argue all the time. Bc he says he's broken and can't communicate with me
I have been with my loved one for almost five years and resonate so strongly with what I am learning here! I know I can’t diagnose but am resonating so strongly I somehow want to share with him. . I have to stop trying to protect him and allow him to be who he is. It’s exhausting for me and not loving or kind. I feel the best way to help is to do my own work of releasing the strong ideas of conformity I had to adopt as a child who was unmet in her soul having to find safely “out there”. I want to shine The light of awareness on my own blindness. In this way, maybe I can let go and allow my beloved to shine in his own vibrant light . He is so beautiful and sweet and kind. I see how he struggles and it breaks my heart, but I can no longer try to protect him. Instead I have to hold him with unconditional regard. I have to hold him in the fullness that he is, as he is. Thank you so much for this amazing work you are doing in the world to help educate and heal the misunderstandings that contribute to masking, hiding, judging ourselves & others.
@@nike2354 I've been working on my relationship with my Aspie Partner, for a few months. First thing that helps us is realising that we both are difficult personalities. It opens the door for accepting each other. We know that we need to put a lot of effort to build this relationship. Zero romanticism, no crystalic sugar in the air or so. Trying to build my own self confidence helps him to open and rely on me. He supports me, I support him. For me diagnosis was a relief. We started to know that he is like he is. I started to understand why he does some things. Trying to figure out how he shows feelings for me. This is just a different language, not broken!
Me too
I'm doing this with my wife who is recently diagnosed. I love her unique perspectives and how honest she is but wondered for years why she didn't always reel it in in social situations. Either that or participate much in social conversations. It's been difficult to communicate how I love her uniqueness but also want to help her with things she struggles with. These videos have really helped us to navigate that.
Great video. So instead of "you're weird and unacceptable, please spend a lot of energy acting normal" the message becomes "you're unique and valuable, but to help you get the most out of life here are some tools to maximise your effectiveness in inevitable situations where putting on an act might help you get by."
This way the atypical person can celebrate their perspective and maintain confidence while choosing to apply social strategy where it helps them achieve their own goals. It's like learning a language to help you get by in another country, makes ordering a coffee easier, but you can still day dream in your native tongue.
Yes! Great analogy!
"you're weird and unacceptable, please spend a lot of energy acting normal" the message becomes "you're unique and valuable, but to help you get the most out of life here are some tools to maximise your effectiveness in inevitable situations where putting on an act might help you get by."
This way of communicating man...this would had led to such a different life for me, instead i got the > why are u so weird, u stupid, im ashamed of you, you never gonna do or be something..and i was always like, >dont u have a different way to express, can u teach me something without getting angry, why u hate me for no reason, dont u see that im on my own stile of doing and talking and just my own, u dont have a person in ur life that is similar to me..why u treat me like shit, why cant i be just ok for once...not whining just making a point, support your weirdness even if others dont like it that much
That last sentence was beautiful, jfed
jfedjrock Love this! YES💞
Another language. What a wonderful way of putting it. Thank you. Now I need to spend time learning my own language, I've let that atrophy.
I think too many people who are neurotypical try to fit in and pretend they are something they not. It is a universal thing to want to be accepted but it makes you very unhappy to try be something you are not. There is a good lesson in this video for us all to examine who we are, be ourselves; it is not just about autism. It is for everyone.
Good reflection. Thanks Maria. :)
I blame it to religion: brainwashed people into obey an almighty mythological invented being that will punish you eternally if you don't surrender and act according his commands.
This religion charade was invented few centuries ago by Constantin emperor as a geopolitical mass weapon to enslave people.
It's so hard to wake up people from their matrix, that they don't need to fit in the system box, that there is not such god that will get mad, that they need to question themselves and everything and do not believe what the media says.
This absurd programming makes people weak and vulnerable to orders from whatever they call authority (parents, teachers, police, politicians, priests, nuns, god), they are forced since birth to believe in their lies and never questioning them. The fear of being ridiculed and left behind is what force them to move along the flock.
I am not an asperger, I am a revel, I am the resistance.
Maria Byrne I totally agree. However, the important distinction to bear in mind is that for NT, the creation and maintenance of these masks is almost instinctual, whereas for us it takes an indescribable amount of effort, conscious attention and focus. And this can cause long term harm in terms of disregulation of certain endogenous neurotransmitters.
@@mightyr9721 I love what you said there.I agree all the way.
But than I question myself, are some people on that level of conciousness to be moral if they are not scared of some divine punisment.Honestly,I think,sadly majority of people are not there yet.Maybe we ,as a species still need that religious fear.I hope that will change soon.
Couldnt agree more, set yourself free and surround yourself with the right people for you, not just people in general
Brene Brown (in her book Braving the Wilderness) writes about about the difference between 'fitting in' and 'belonging' and that kids know instinctively it is better to belong than to fit in, but we are taught we must 'fit in' rather than create spaces of belonging.
I'm honestly thankful I have my wife in my life. She is the only neurotypical person (or person in general) who makes me feel comfortable to be myself. It's extreamly exhausting trying to fit in "normal society".
It breaks my heart that my little boy quite often uses the words "I'm broken and a failure".... at 5yrs old!!!! 😞
He's quirky and one in a million. His ability at problem solving amazes me daily (some of the solutions he builds and creates so that his toys live up to his imagination are superb). His mind fascinates me, how he thinks outside the box and his perspective is always interesting and different. 😍
Thanks for the video, it is inspiring and informative and always!! Xx
Tell your little man he is not broken or a failure and give him a smile from mum.
Give him a hug for me and tell him how brilliant I think he is. It’s more encouraging sometimes to hear it from a stranger bc Mom’s are almost always loving and accepting and can see no wrong in their kids. Maybe he thinks that way... I sure did. That’s what I thought growing up. Bless this sweet angel baby! Aw that’s heartbreaking. At five he’s aware of these feelings and that makes him extremely smart. I had no clue. It’s a super unfortunate circumstance to show his intelligence but tell him someone thinks he’s brilliant, beautiful and a TOTAL success. Different is essential to everyone. We need ppl to be different. I struggled with social norms growing up. I attracted toxic ppl as an adult and felt like so much of a failure I wanted to die. (Don’t tell him that maybe. 😐) But then I realized I had the power to choose. I had my own unique voice and so does he. He will know it. And he’ll find it much sooner than me I’m willing to bet. ❤️💯🥰 Keep advocating for him mama until he finds more of his voice and can do it himself. He’s amazing!
Remember, kids: You're unique... just like everybody else! ♥
Try your best to find other kids with aspergers in your community for him to meet. It’s life changing to realize there are others like you out there who have the same quirks, because you genuinely love them for those quirks, so you realize you can be loved for those same quirks ❤️ it changed my life to meet my best friend, who’s the only other aspie I know :)
My husband says this to me. He says he's broken... And I never understood it until now when studying aspies.. He's not been diagnosed and I'm not going to say anything or force it I just want to speak this language to help him and us
I wish my parents would accept me in that way. They withhold contact, if I don't behave as they believe is socially acceptable and so if I want their love or attention I have always had to be a completely different person and hide my aspie side. It is so disheartening, exhausting for me and has led to great soul searching and much depression (if your own family wants you to be a different person, what can I expect from the rest of humanity). But I am fortunate to have found 2 people in this planet, who don't judge and have accepted my quirkiness as a positive as they know me as I really am. I am grateful to have found them.
JAMQWERT I'm a gay daughter to two very religious parents. I feel where you're coming from. I'm glad you found a family from your heart rather than just your blood.
I've been treated that way all my life, especially at home and especially by my mother. Just a few weeks ago she barged into my home told me horrible things and said "I was sick in the head and she didn't care about what's wrong with me" and I'm going to be 54 yrs old this November 6th. All my damn life I've never fit in,felt damaged and weird and never got any sort of acceptance at home. My home life was way worse and more painful than the outside world. My mother constantly beat me down and berated me. I'm tired of struggling to fit in. Thanks to this channel I finally know why I am the way I am. I'm okay how I am and can finally accept myself as I am and if nobody else can, well it sounds like a personal problem they have to me.
Bloody hell I can relate to this word for word.
To use an analogy: we're all dealt a hand in the card game of life. Some of us luck out and have cards we want to keep because they'll help us, some of us get dealt a truly shitty hand and we need to trade for better cards.
Found family / family of the heart IS family. People who actively choose you value you more than the people who take you for granted.
I hope this helps, if only to give another perspective.
@@plissabarrett7358
Lock the door. If your Mum shows up again with that attitude, threaten to call the police. If she fails to heed the warning. Call the police. Charge: Harassment.
I know she's your Mum, and I know her own upbringing is faulty with that ludicrous attitude of hers (so technically, not her own fault), but you are still a Human being and you still possess basic rights. And from where I'm sitting, you Mum is violating your basic Human Rights. No amount of "faulty upbringing" or ignorance on her part are valid excuses for that unacceptable conduct.
I know that sounds harsh, but in my eyes, she would be reaping what she herself has sown. People must be taught definitively not to sow that kind of rubbish. It is not healthy and thus, not conducive to Society.
My Son is not diagnosed but it’s obvious that he is asbergers. He is a wonderful person and very smart but he does think very different than most people! He is a martial arts instructor and very good at it but cannot keep his own room clean! He works hard at being a normie but I keep telling him to be him! I love my son! He is my gift from God!
I think that there is a way to communicate to Aspie's ways to minimise social issues without it being akin to telling them they are broken. You can simply point out that there are certain functionalities of the brain that they struggle with so that some tasks are harder for them than for others. That doesn't mean they don't have to try and not do things that offend other people- if you say that then you basically minimise the feelings of those other people who are hurt. It can be stressful and a lot of responsibility to do this- but it has to be a compromise between Aspie's and non-Aspies. The non-aspies must have patience and NOT JUDGE but the Aspies must also try to adapt to some extent. It has to be compromise from BOTH sides.
My company had 2 career paths for engineers: traditional management and technical specialists. During my interview, they explained most companies only have traditional management with running projects and interacting with clients (very social), but that they have very skilled people who don't want that, but are still very valuable to the company and needed a career path for moving up, so the opened up the technical expert path with equal salaries. It's worked out really well both for the people working here and for marketing our company because we have experienced experts.
I was thinking, this could be great for those on the spectrum too. Hopefully, more companies adopt a variety of caree paths for the variety of people who work there.
I'm not in management, so I don't know what would happen if someone being interviewed said, "I'm on the spectrum, so I'm not confterble making eye contact, but I do love looking at computer screens or whatever you'd have to do a lot of at the job." I imagine it would break the ice, so they can talk about your valuable skills without wondering why someone is behaving differently. I think most folks are now familiar enough with autism to know people on the spectrum bring a unique perspective to the company which is valued because most everyone is stuck in their own boxy way of thinking.
Wow! I've never had that in my life, like not even from a parent. Being treated this way, as a child, would've saved me 13 years, in intensive psychotherapy. I've always ended up disappointed in relationships, because I am able to love this way, yet finding another person capable of it, has been daunting. I'm only realizing at 36, that this is what I've been going through, my entire life. I've been misdiagnosed, so many times, it's been torture. This seems to fit like an old glove, though. I really appreciate your videos, man. Thank you!
Abuse and neglect should never be tolerated whether on or off the spectrum. I love my husband with all my heart, I enjoy his unique mind. There are times when I need to feel accepted, worthy, and unbroken, as well. ♡
Celayna Pearl Never*
I can relate to this, I also have my needs; if I have that ...
Once In A blue Moon urgent urgent need for his assistance that needs to interrupt his day list.
Or to have a mere few minutes in the day that he may add me to his to do list.
Or only to be a listener while he rattles on for hours about his obsessive interests.
I find that I'm supposed to be a selective shadow.
Maybe please share with us how are we supposed to cope. Or collaborate with a professional how we can convey to someone in this spectrum that we their partners, become broken.
Exactly. It is not just about whether or not the person gives eye contact!
Unconditional love and acceptance is pretty much a licence to continue abuse and psychological emotional harm for some.
@@anaachadinha8595god bless you. I hope you find a therapist . Maybe journal your day - it gives a record of your efforts and a place to park upsets before bed and the end of the day so sleep comes and repairs torn hearts
This is a very helpful way to reframe how people with ASD think about themselves and how other people think of them.
Thanks! Glad you like it! It's a message I think the world desperately needs to hear :)
I was constantly told, by my mother especially, to "modify my voice" or "look people in the eyes when I'm talking to them" and bla bla. She even did the weird praising stuff of: "Good! That social interaction went well!", "You've got so good at eye contact!" It always made me feel really uncomfortable, and I asked her to quit doing it multiple times. As an adult, I understand that her intentions were good, but I also remember asking her when I could quit "modifying myself" and just be me.
I accept you.
I accept you too stranger
Its easy to accept someone you don't know. That statement doesn't actually mean anything.
10:00 in I started to cry, the thought of someone having that level of acceptance and truly seeing someone is something I have not experienced very much if at all really. It’s good to see that level of value and unconditional love is possible.
We need more people like you in our world. God bless ya mate.
Aspies are the most pure and innocent souls on earth! ❤ Thanks for making these videos. Your advice is more practical and clear to understand than any other neurotypical influencer online giving out relationship advice.
When my late son was born back in the early 90s his condition was very new and very little support for the families was available back then, sadly. Our love was for sure always unconditional. Wish we could have done more. Always enjoy your videos, so much I can relate.
So sorry to hear of your loss of your son 🥺
We are the same our son was also born in the 90s we found out only a few years ago that he was Asperger’s so hard when you don’t know 🥺
Wow. Presented this way, it really gives food for though. The more confirmation of the success of fitting in, the more emphasis on success of the acted persona - not the real person, i.e, "YOU cannot get positive reactions to YOUR personality. Only your invented persona. "
This is a classic video...so helpful for us NTs. Nobody should feel that their authentic self is not acceptable, especially by the closest people to them. This message was so eye-opening and helpful! Thank you for all you do educating us all on how to better understand and be more compassionate.
And they need to build resilience themselves by accepting and liking and loving who they are it's starts with themselves ,
Thank you so much for doing these videos, they're really helpful for neurotypical people like me to better understand the spectrum. My ex bf was autistic and I didn't fully comprehend at the time how everything worked and did not understand the recharge phase at all - needless to say, it was extremely painful for me and I thought he was ignoring me. Now I think one of my best friends might be an aspie as well since she seems to have a lot of these traits.
This made me cry, I've honestly never related so much in my life, I wear a mask with most people, if they knew the real me, honestly I'd be seen as weird, odd, eccentric, I feel like a freak sometimes, I just aren't the same as most people, I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, it's so tiring. I have so many good points but I don't think like everyone else, I can't wait to go for my diagnosis. I'm scared people won't like the real me, I've been the real me to some and haven't accepted me for exactly who I am and it broke me, I've put the mask back on because I feel so vulnerable and too scared to be myself.
My husband and kids know the real me, so I'm not alone, I just wish I found friends that would do the same, I'm not sure I'll be able to put myself out there again but this video makes me feel less alone, there's others like me x
❤️
The one that hurts the most is when people you know really do care about you say that your inability to adapt or to cope is breaking their heart.
Darn, that is a perceptive and relevant comment for me. I always tried to be 'there' for my wife but as I also had thoughts of equality I often misjudged what being 'there' looked like from her perspective. She was very capable of ding all tasks herself but with hindsight I can now see that her opinion might be that I should take the lead more rather than share.
I cried! Good to know, I'm not alone. Working hard to see myself as valueable no matter what others think. Thanks for the video.
Defiantly valuable
As a aspie mom this was such an eye opener for me. I know I did my best but man I wish I had the chance to do it better.
A girl in my country was bullied by her parents into sterilisation because "it would be irresponsible to have aspie kids and pass on her disease". Believe me you did enough.
We are all broken... It is our job on Earth to embrace it and evolve
Thanks!!! I was looking for this video. I am neurotypical and have been looking around for a guide on how to fascilitate a safe space for a person to unmask. I assumed it would look like a laundry list of characteristics (fawning, P.D.A., etc, etc) to keep in my mind, but really I guess I was overthinking things.
Also the conformity + compliance = masking might also help my Aspie friend with a problem she is currently having which she believes is related to not being able to completely unmask. I think she believes that mask is the cause of the behaviour when I have been suspicious that it is the other way around and that the behaviour is keeping her from being able to completely unmask.
I wished i had a friend like you.
Fantastic video, thank you! This is exactly why I had to leave a job I was offered in ABA therapy with young children on the spectrum .. I could not be a person in their lives that reinforced the lie that they were not "OK" .. beautiful to hear from an adult exactly how that actually effects a person .. this information needs to be shared with "professionals" in the field of support for children on the spectrum .. excellent, excellent, excellent information, thank you
Neurotypical society is incredibly narrow minded and judgmental. I've gotten to the point where, I'm actually turned off by popular people, and conformist people. In the past I would think in terms of how I would be accepted by others, and now, I think more in terms of who would be accepted by me. You're not broken, if you're autistic. People who think that are too narrow and rigid.
I struggle with the message you just put out because I understand you and why you are completely turned off by popular people or conformist people, but if you think in terms now of who "who would be accepted by me" or as I am understanding it maybe wrong who you choose to accept, you are becoming just as rigid and judgmental about people who aren't similar to you or you don't deem acceptable and I think that is something that we have to watch out for. I see a lot of POC or LGBTQ people say I'm getting to the point where I just don't like cis white people and that's a very generalized thing to say and it's very judgmental to me and it's creating an us versus them atmosphere which doesn't bridge but walls up the two groups of people.
@@markmavel I think you've missed the point dude, I think what she's getting at is self acceptance, 'who do I want to let into my life', 'who do I want to spend my time on', as someone who also lives with high functioning autism I wholeheartedly agree with the view that mainstream culture is very narrow and judgemental and I've personally felt the overlap of that, it makes you feel unwillingly cast out and you spend far too much time trying to fit into crowds you don't fit into, she's found a way to make peace with this and that's what she's expressing here
@ ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, part of the problem made manifest
@@thehypest6118 I'm sorry you've come across this. I see it too... they don't really prove they aren't hostile and unempathetic either. They react so quickly. Neuros are tiring...
I was not diagnosed with autism but I am different, maybe I just have brain damage, im not sure but I do agree with what you said. I know this young woman with autism and I haven't spoke to anyone else with autism (she is an aspie) but she just stands out so much, I haven't talked to many people throughout my life but she is the best person I have ever met and im in love with her but she likes someone else and she wont understand why I feel this way about her but I wish I could make her understand. Summary: Autistic people are amazing. Gonna kill myself now, thanks for reading if anyone actually did for some reason.
Being a non aspie, I look at the masking issue as an analogy to washing produce off before displaying it in the market. Or, like women who have to put their make-up on. It seems to be a way of putting yourself up for display in a "social marketplace". The trouble comes when your sense of self worth is identical to your social marketplace worth. Then, you fall victim to superficial judgements, don't you think?
But when you can't make yourself marketable, and all you hear is the message that you have to be marketable, it takes a lot of strength of character to persevere. So the key lesson is to relate to others' true character, and not their mask. And if they confuse their mask with their true character, then the relationship is built on an illusion.
My takeaway from this is to prevent others from being too enamored with who they think I am - my mask, their false projection about what I'm all about - but encourage others who can positively relate to me in a more unmasked state. Its not easy. People won't bother delving into your unmasked identity, just as I don't nother trying to read a long poem - a lot of work and no reason to believe that it will be worth it in the end. So there has to be an attractor, something to hook them in, something that motivates them to try a little harder to know you, some mystery that they can't help but want to solve.
Paul…Really good message today! I’m like a lot of other Aspie’s. Grew up abused and rejected. So, this made me feel very sad. Looks like the comment section is full of us!
I was honestly questioning myself if I was a narcissist even though I also am easily affected by the emotions of others and am very sensitive. It didn’t quite make sense. But realizing that I am probably on the spectrum makes it make a whole lot more sense. I used to question myself if I was a “fake” person and didn’t realize it. Now it think it was just masking.
Yknow, whether or not i'm autistic, the part whrre he talks about people pressuring you to mask in order to stay friends or family is really important. I got into fights constantly at home because it took SO MUCH EFFORT not to just tell the other kids or teachers exactly what a situation actually was since they all seemed to live in some cloudy, half-blind psuedo-reality. And then i had to come home and attempt to satisfy my parents, the ones who society tells me i should be able to be honest with, in their own narcissistic fantasy realms? Yeah, nah. Even if i'm not autistic or the presenter isn't, this video is dead on to my experience.
And the guilt felt for not being able to naturally be normal.
the guilt and shame is terrible, I'm still learning how to shed it
I can relate to that feeling somewhat as someone diagnosed with ADHD. It's a terrible feeling.
Message of this video is very strong in general, not just for those who are on the spectrum. To my experience, acceptance and forgiving mistakes are keys for building not only a good relationship or a good community, but also a good society (with reasonable limits, of course).
But it's easy to see why it's even more important, than in general, for the ones within the spectrum. I am not (at least not officially), but I'll share a story. Lesson here is that if you are struggling, it might be good to really consider your options. For me it has always led to something better, but naturally change is always also a risk.
In my early life I never truly found passion for my work. Partially sometimes, yes, but it was really often that I considered I had made a huge mistake regarding to my career. Challenges just were not correct ones and usually while working in a company, every single morning was a huge, huge struggle. I hate early mornings and can't stand cold, but I was good with technical stuff so I for example ended up dealing technical issues which were always outside, especially when it's really cold (usually problems started to really escalate below -20°C) and working day started at 06:00 a clock in the morning. Oh, the irony.
One of my biggest turning points, also mentally, was a one single comment I heard at work (where I had just started working) which roughly was "All of us here are what we really are.". At first it did not cause that much of a reaction. I mean, it sounded like pretty general comment. But quite soon after, after surviving rather challenging (and actually very therapeutical) period, it all started to open to me. A while after starting it almost felt like I would have been torn into pieces, someone would have looked inside what lies there, build me up again and after analysis tell that okay, maybe you should do this instead. I was offered a little different position and I agreed instatly.
And the result has been really awesome. Mostly I am not doing what I was originally hired to do (occasionally yes), but I focus more in technical and software related matters, which feels pretty natural after been dealing with computers daily since age of 7 (= for 30+ years, without actually ever realizing that's probably what I would have probably needed to study from the beginning with). And I usually also start working at 10:00 a clock. :)
Again a huge realization about importance of acceptance had happened. All it needed was someone to say that "Hey douchebag, your in a wrong spot. Get over here and le't keep working". :) In our working community, there are people with disabilities, but their responsibilities are altered and scaled with that in mind. And that's a really important thing. This makes people grateful. And if your employee is grateful, he/she will do his/her best to accomplish the tasks he/she has been given. It benefits all. The individual. The community. The society.
Great video, thank you. I say to my aspie kid "There is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you" when he goes through meltdowns. This fraze, I found, helps me to stay true to who I am as well. xx
The validation part is great. Really. But we mustn't condone inappropriate behavior. After a meltdown it is important to help the kid realize how he got there, what triggered him, how to avoid getting so anxious and overwhelmed, etc. IF ONLY someone had taught me the things I am learning now about self-regulation. Would have made a world of a difference really. Not just for others but for my own mental health as well. It is such a strain to go through these cycles of stress, meltdown, recharge, and repeat. Making the stressful things of everyday life more manageable. That is what helps for real.
@@guesswho5790 Yes but those are two completely different things. It's good to remind your kids you love them, that doesn't mean you're not also telling them off if they do something bad
Great video. You say what I now know to be true with my friends and family that they love and accept me for who I am. I really struggled internally for most of my adult life with what you explained in the top half of the whiteboard.. trying to be compliant with everyone to gain a sense of approval but then only attributing that approval to the masked version of myself and feeling like an imposter on the inside. Thanks for this video it really just helped me work through some of that just now.
thanks mary :)
For some time now I have been looking for information, help to understand what asperger is, I came to this channel with thousands of questions blowing my mind, with a broken heart and an emotional shock that only those who have suffered an abrupt loss of someone know , it took me a year to heal from a love relationship with a person with Asperger's and I wish I had known all this sooner, we both would have suffered less, we wanted to give each other love but we didn't know each other's ways.. thank you very much for helping me understand❤️
Thank you. I am 60 and just now putting my puzzle together 🧩
I’ve been with my husband for about 20yrs, but he was only diagnosed last year. Our biggest issue is communication, but I’m only learning things like - he doesn’t get my sarcasm, he can’t focus in on what I’m saying if I randomly blurt something out, especially if there are distractions and no context. But, turns out it was his aspie qualities that I fell in love with all those years ago, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
This video is awesome. The message went straight to the essence of this Aspie here. Thank you. 🙏💎
Thank you so much, I listen to you tears in my eyes, I have not understood my son, but now I am begining to. Thank you
I'm so thankful my hubby and I found each other young in life. I believe we are both aspie, I'm diagnosed but it doesn't really matter on him. We are each other's everything. When we get rejected by everyone else, we have each other. Going on 23 yrs married and 2 beautiful girls. One nt and one possibly aspie
I am an aspie and I’ve always had strong love and respect for those I meet. Even those who have been rude or hurtful to me. It’s part of who I am to show unconditional love, respect and acceptance of others. Im not perfect at it and often because of my aspie ways I tend to mess it up being unable to show the love and points I mean to make. It becomes scrambled and sometimes ends up being more hostile than I’d ever want it to be.
Unconditional love is a good idea but it’s also comes with risk of getting hurt by those who don’t accept this or take in it. And showing it to everyone often doesn’t work. They may hurt you more because they don’t understand or are too broken emotionally to believe this unconditional love is true.
Comes with risk and of being drained and getting hurt. But slowly and shown to the right people it can make a world of difference. We aspies can change the world around us every day if we know how to show ourselves to others.
... which sounds nothing like autism, but okay.
Having autism, you lack a deeper intimacy, as well as emotional empathy.
I'm so tired of seeing this subculture of people thinking just being a misfit, growing up feeling alienated, generally struggling to adapt is inherently autism. It's so ridiculous.
I accept you as you are, and don't ask you to change. But if you're annoying I'm not hanging out with you. I get aggravated when I'm in close proximity to someone who is annoying. Thank you for not asking ME to change MY behavior just to accomodate YOUR wishes and desires.
I used to bounce a ball like that around for years. Pretty much my entire childhood. Seeing this validates what I already think about autism/aspergers.
Great lessons for anyone! Love this so much. "Nothing you do will make me love you any less."
Unless you commit suicide by being permanently neglected and emotionally abused by an ice cold asperger person.
Oh my word...this is THE most helpful video I've ever seen on this topic. Hands down most important information needed on this topic. I believe I'm married to an aspie and this is SO good, for years I felt like I was missing the manual on him, sadly believed he was broken and tried to fix him. Of course that didn't go well. Through my pastors help I committed by God's grace to just love him. Praise God I did-- but this video explains why we need to just love our aspies and tell them they don't need to change💜 thank you Paul!!!
Thank you again. This is great advice. I'm reminded of my dad who has been gone for a long time now. He always laughed heartily at weird things I said. Often times I did not understand why, I just knew that he loved me for the child I was. It helped me becoming the woman I am now, someone with a selfworth that can not be broken. I also have people in my life who become very angry at things I say. They always freak me out, because I do not understand what it was that triggered them. For me their anger comes out of the blue. I'll show one of them this one, out of love.
It's difficult when people who are close to you are not willing to do these things. They don't like to "talk" about problems. They'll just tell me "in future do it this way." Any attempts to provoke further discussion means being yelled and and told to shut up. No one wants to communicate anything because the mood is soo tense. The thing is, I don't feel like I've got the freedom to be myself around them. I'm walking on eggshells and constantly breaking them. All I can think about it those things that they have forbidden me to talk about. When one of the people in question showed vulnerability in front of me, I could have and should have at that moment comforted her, but how could I when I cannot be myself?
Omg! I grew up feeling that way! “If people knew the REAL me, they wouldn’t like me.” I used to say that I lived as a chameleon. I never knew I was on the spectrum until recently at 43. I have such a fear of making mistakes because of the things you talk about here. My current boyfriend constantly tells me he loves me just the way I am. I’m starting to believe him. It’s been like medicine for me deep to my core. I’ve never felt so seen, loved and accepted for the true me in my whole life as I do with him. ❤
I have that mask you are talking about and when I'm not home the mask is about 80-75% of my whole being, I have learned to perfect that mask to the point where it's very hard for someone who doesn't know me or who I haven't told to figure out that I have some form of ASD (I'm not formally diagnosed but on the way there). It is of course extremely demanding and I can only go max 4-5 hours before I work myself out and like today come home and feel like I have been forced to write a novel in 10 minutes. However this mask let's me get the social interaction that I need, it also lets me come close to the research subjects (xD) so that I can learn more about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not, and when I become friends with someone I slowly take down the mask and I have been pleasantly surprised how many people accept me for who I am as long as I don't show the full me too fast, that usually scares them away and makes them uncomfortable. Now I know everyone has their own way and I can respect that, whatever floats your boat :) but the way I usually gradually take down the mask is that I start by telling them more about who I really am, what difficulties I have and what they should do when they feel like it's going too fast. I for example have a very hard time recognizing when someone doesn't want to speak with me and stays just to be polite, so if I meet someone (classmate or new friend etc.) that I think I will get to learn and not some one time interaction I tell them about the very basic stuff, and that which I have a hard time hiding. So for example with the whole me speaking too much or too loud I tell them that if they aren't really interested anymore and are just waiting for me to stop talking by myself so they can leave, they should tell me in a nice way that "Hey, I like talking to you but I don't really feel like it now, maybe some other time?" instead of everytime they see me they dislike more and more for my quirks and end up actively avoiding me like I have been through my whole school life. This has worked out pretty nice for me thus far and the more I can take off my mask amongst friends and mentors the longer I can stay social, and I usually also try to avoid strangers when I'm with my friends, so instead of maybe strolling down the town center I suggest that we could walk down some small road where there are not a lot of people walking by, it's pretty there, and no, not in some rapey or murdery fashion, I live in a town with a lot of nature just some houndred meters from the main city so it is actually very nice and in the summer it's usually really nice to walk around there and hear the birds singing and the wind through the trees :)
Also when I'm first meeting people and talk about myself, my history and my diagnoses most people think it's really interesting and love to listen because many people have no idea about these kinds of things and many are genuinely interested in all the different quirks and ways I deal with just regular life. Even though I have a hard time seeing when someone is bored, it's pretty obvious to me when someone is actually really interested, they actively ask questions and listen to what I'm saying, it's really cool that my ability to speak for long periods of time has some use. I do think that a big part of people listening is that I am pretty articulate in my native language (Swedish). Thanks for the interesting videos mate, they have really helped me understand more about myself :D
TL;DR I don't personally think that I am wrong, I am just aware that if I am myself I will have no chance of meeting someone who will accept me at first glance sort of, I'm just too weird for them to even concider hanging out with if I don't try to regulate myself in the begining
TheZebinatorofficial this was very helpful. I suspect a co worker has it. I put it together especially the over sharing and super loud and long conversations. I will try to let her know that l liked talking but hv to get back to work not to hurt her feelings. She does create a high level of anxiety in me cuz l just didn't know what was going on. I stay silent cuz l am afraid if we talk it will nvr end so ur tip is very helpful. I ALMOST went to my boss cuz of the meltdowns and other stuff but now l am learning.
lose the kekistan pfp shiteater
@@TheZebinator dude i dont think you are wrong, you are speaking the story of my life
Thank you too!!!
I am an Aspie and this made me cry so much
I just want to give that message to YOU - because you're a fellow Aspie that I greatly appreciate as a "friend on youtube" and I like you JUST the way you are! :-) You are awesome. Thank you so much for helping us with this. I always want to know how to make my friends with Autism feel more loved and valued.
Excellent explanation. I think this applies for NT people with social awkwardness issues like me as well.
Wow even if I'm NT this made me cry!
I'd really love to be able to give that space of freedom to my As friend just as I actually try to do it for all my over relationships and with this video I realise I got first to get the thought out from my own mind that I need to get fixed to fit in and I cannot be loved, valued and accepted in the weird, crazy way I am. And then, accepting and loving myself and crazy ways and accepting to be loved in that way - because they are more and more people knowing me and loving me just as I am, though I can't totally recieve and believe it yet. And then, I'll be probably able to give the same unconditional love to the people around me, including my AS friend. But it all starts within me before wanting to help the overs. Well great, I'm in ! :)
I love the clarity and insight each of your video gives me, thanks a lot.
Thank you for sharing your Aspie journey. I am understanding and learning many important aspects of Aspie life.
you're welcome :)
That sounds more like telling someone they are inappropriate, wrong, broken, etc. but I am such a good person that I will tolerate you and I am going to "make" you feel loved not because you have innate value but because I am such a wonderful person that I am going to treat you as if you have value as you are so that I can motivate you to change in the way I want you to. It's not that you have innate value but I am so gracious, so loving, so much better than you. You are SO lucky that I am condescending to treat you as though your fully human. Once you believe I accept you as you are I will manipulate you into changing.
I love how you bounce the ball during you're video it really cracks me up
Wow. That was so well explained. I think every human being can relate to that advice. Thank you!
Autism, to me, is a kind of super power. I don't know if I am on the spectrum, I may be. However, I have a cousin with ASD. He's a BRILLIANT musician. He use to play and sing Elton John songs for the family, on a little keyboard, BEFORE THE AGE OF 10. I'm not a great musician, like he is, however, drawing and singing have been my biggest passions in life. I'm the creative type. I was diagnosed ADD as a child, but the more I learn, the more I think I may have been misdiagnosed.
I am blown away ... you have given me an epiphany ❤️ thank you wonderful person
Wow Nothing you can do can make me love you less. That made me cry 😢. That is so beautiful and unconditional 💕
Thank you for your message: tears came to my eyes. It's hard to say exactly why. Approaching sixty, it was during confinement that I realized that I was probably in the prism of autism. I do not find it useful to carry out a long and painful diagnosis now: it will not change anything. Also well anchored for a very long time in the first scenario. My self-control is huge and is now part of my personality. I also realize that despite this control, it did not save me professional setbacks. The most distressing thing is that until now, I was unaware of the causes of these difficulties (rejections, bullying, devaluation, ...) and considered the world as "mean". These difficult moments always came after periods of professional satisfaction and appreciation during which I conformed to the standard as much as possible.
For two years, I stopped everything and try to survive by doing activities that suit me, for a while. This scenario seems fragile to me and I am always afraid of repeating the same vicious circle (success followed by relational failure). Another fear is desocialization because my efforts to be sociable are limited by my inability to maintain links. I still have a lot to learn. Thank you for the invaluable help you provide.
I feel those pains daily after hearing this message i was set back thinking i will allways be broken in pain
Day late and a dollar short. My mother is low functioning. She always needs music or movies going, does not have a regulated sleep or eating schedule. A recent car accident injury has caused me to move back in with her or be homeless. She does not have a concept of time or prioritize my sleep/work schedule at all. Without money from my job, we would both be hosed. It is hard to hear that she wants me to move out while she needs the money I contribute while my boss hasn't made me a permanent employee or offered me overtime because of my attendance. It is hard not to get resentful.
I really like how you get to the point and structure this
It's not unconditional in the sense of no boundaries that you should look for. Good autistic-neurotypical friendship is reciprocal, mutual, generous in it's assumptions, mutually respectful in it's approach.
It's starting from the assumption that everyone's needs are equally valid but noone gets to trample other people to get them met. And closeness to neurotypical norms doesn't define what needs are more valid. But sometimes people can both be good and not be able to meet each others needs, in which case its communicating that in non-blaming way (we don't fit each other not you're wrong).
It's differentiating between stuff that actually harms people (violence, racism, sexism, harassment etc) and stuff that makes them feel embarrassed-uncomfortable (talking about special interests for too long, stimming etc). Some autistics have a better understanding the why of social norms than some NTs (who often go along with oppressive things if the social order accepts them). It's using harm done to others as the measure of inappropriate rather than closeness to neurotypical rules. It's recognizing that everyone does inadvertent harm sometimes and considering intent and willingness to learn (balanced against the need to take space to avoid being affected by the harm) when addressing that for both NTs and autistic people. It's considering nt/ autistic communication styles when communicating about any inappropriateness (clearly and bluntly is good)
Yeah, this.
This articulates really well something I’ve come to again and again - if you’re really different, you need some unconditional
support.
The problem is if this was never modeled or provided and you’re more than halfway through life without having found any of this or anyone willing to provide this. Even therapists cannot do this for me, apparently. Or, at least, the ones I’ve found also reject and condemn, eventually.
The solution: become an ouroboros.
I’m not sure whether that’s a solution or a dissolution. But whatever doesn’t solve, dissolves, methinks…
Thank you for another great video
It still amazes me how you sum up exactly how I feel in 99% of your videos.
Thank you so much for your video's and most of all;
Thank you for being YOU !!!
Greets Debbie
From the Netherlands 🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺🇱🇺
The interesting thing is, we neurotypicals had to go through the same process as you describe here, learning to fit in. Children learn not to have tantrums in public if they don't get their way. Children learn that talking in class gets them in bother with the teacher. Young adults learn what is acceptable and what is not when approaching a potential mate. They also learn things like how to get a job via an interview.
The only real difference is that neurotypicals are able to 'read' nonverbal cues and intentions from others more easily than somebody on the spectrum. But we all had to learn what things we should not do. Things that we must do in order to gain acceptance and love. Things that go against what we want to do, but we are forced to do in order to gain things like jobs, etc. We ALL construct masks to hide what we are really like. That is not something that only people with Aspergers experience. How many neurotypicals, for example, get taken in by people who turn out NOT to be anything like what we thought they were like, when we first met them. Trust me, it happens all the time. All the time. We also get fooled. And we can all misread the mask we see.
I feel very strongly that the key to friendship and love between Aspergers people and neurotypical people is communication. Open and honest communication. If we're not sure about something we need to have the courage to ask.
Neurotypical people need to be exact and honest with their verbal communication, not make assumptions about motivation, be willing to listen. We need to understand that Aspies have needs and exhibit behaviours that are different from ours at times, which is perfectly okay and which is part of their persona. Aspies need to understand that neurotypicals can't help being the way THEY are either-and that neurotypicals also have needs. Aspies also need to learn to listen and understand and accept their neurotypical friend or lover for what THEY are, and not make assumptions about motivations or behavior. Or assume that neurotypicals have bad intentions, or are hiding bad intentions. Just keep communicating openly and you'll get there.
If both sides can explain their point of view to each other as well as you have explained yours here, then friendship and love can certainly grow and remain constant between both sides of the spectrum.
I agree almost entirely but there is or can be a snag. I am at least a bit Aspie and was married for nearly 30 years. One problem was that on occasions my wife would ask what I am fee long or how I am and would then get annoyed when I said I had no idea how I am or specifically how I feed because I simply didn't know as I never thought about it. On occasions I was accused of looking angry when in reality my thoughts were nowhere particularly. We had hens that I would go and feed/check for eggs etc so not requiring any real thoughts but I was accused of looking cross/angry.
I am trying to explain a lot of this to my SO at the moment as I think this explains a lot of why I am able to function okay and generally come off as sociable, and “nice” out in public, but he doesn’t really understand why I can’t show as much apparent compassion at home. I am very forgiving to others and say yes to everything because I associate that with them liking me. I let people treat me like a doormat tbh. So when I get home, I just don’t have the energy for the mask anymore and I am comfortable around my husband and feel more comfortable being myself. Unfortunately, with that also comes with less energy to try to read his mind and provide physical affection. My default is for physical affection not to really cross my mind. I have to remind me to hug my kids even because I know that it will be bad for their mental health in the long run if I don’t. Which unfortunately leaves little for him. Trying to work on it.
YES!!!
How can I gain love and acceptance, and still be myself.
I think I love you just for putting that into words.
OMG!!!!..... you have just articulated exactly what I have been trying to do with my two daughters for the past 30 plus years. I truly love my girls, I love the different way they think and act from the way I do. I’m the neurotypical one in this family. However, being that one makes me sensitive to their differences and the difficulties they face. Putting on that public mask is what we all do to an extent but I get it that I can come home, make a cup of tea and relax and be ready to go again but that the energy needed for my girls to put on and uphold their masks is all consuming and tiring. It often means days of shutting down in order to recover. I wish there was a way, and perhaps in the future there will be, that we can all learn to let everyone be themselves, take time for that being and still be allowed to participate meaningfully in society. Thank you. I’m learning lots listening to you.
Kerry Watkin Amen. Unfortunately I feel it’s only getting worse with social media, NTs living up to “norms” and kids don’t even know how to speak to one another face to face let alone accept someone that doesn’t appear “normal” It’s all getting worse instead of better. The whole thing sucks & saddens me greatly.
You look the singer from Maroon 5. Great content!
I love how you examine the depth of beliefs. You seem like an awesome guy to hangout with.
Omg that's who he looks like Adam Levine! I could never put my finger on it! Thank you!
my god. I didn't know I could give people I need to have this this much worth in ONE video. I already repeatedly and repeatedly told them this kind of thing but it's so easy to get back to feeling broken.
I actually found out I'm an Aspie and autist mix some hours ago. And I'm still coping with it, but I see that I'll get better from now on. Getting to know I'm an aspie-autist was a true bang for me as SO MUCH seemed to make sense all of a sudden!
Going to see a therapist for sure to know where I stand anyway
This video made me realize where I made a mistake with my guy who is on the spectrum, it wasn't intentional on either side, but I made him think I don't love him unconditionally without meaning to when I do, and by doing so caused him to keep a mask on and pull away. But I have always told him that I love him no matter what, but sometimes actions speak louder so if I had realized at the time that what I was having a hard time moving forward with was essentially telling him there were conditions I would have done things differently. We are still together, but I am having a hard time getting him to realize he can go back to being vulnerable with me like he once was. I do my best to get him to understand that I am not going anywhere, but again had I found these sooner I don't think I would be having the difficulty I am now. I am still with him, and still there no matter what he throws at me, I just wish I had known that I should have done better about explaining my own hesitations instead of doing things the way I did.
Thanks so much for posting this. This presentation helped me solve a lifetime trying to figure out why I have had a fear of close, loving relationships due to feeling, 'if they really knew me, they wouldn't love me.' After years of keeping up a brave face, exhaustion and severe emotional and physical issues, trying to figure out 'what is wrong with me?' After 50 years, I figured out on my own that I have been living with ASD/Asperger's all my life...I can finally breathe and begin to put the pieces of my broken self together, realizing there isn't something 'wrong' with me...I'm just different...and if other people don't get that, it is their issue, not mine. Thank you again. Very important stuff here.
Hello.
My name is Stefan.
I think I met the love of my life only about 7 months ago.
We are truly so in love but we fight like all the time.
Simple things start a argument cos he cant see that this is no the way to talk to me. Say it kindly I say, so he goes it's not at all how I mean it, so i go,if you word the sentence this way than this is what it means an so and on.
I got to realize by talking to my friends he likely must have aspergers.
That makes me feel much better! So I thought is is a know who cant admit foulds.
He is actually the most hones person I know!! To honest sometimes.
So but now where I couldn't go is, I talked about one day in the future when we have sorted our differences,if he could see us living together.
First he brought up how he is up all night and does his singing ( he sings in the opra and in choirs)
I say I can deal with it as long he is up in the morning n days off. And we could sound prove a room and so on.
But in the end he said I need my spiritual freedom, as he is very spiritual..
I am sorry to blahh out my life or a same sex coupple, you might not even agree with but if you dont mind to give me your opinion could be be just scared ??
He is 40 and I am his first ever relationship.
Thank you for your time.
I understand iifyou cant be ask to reply to a stranger.
I life in New Zealand but are original from Austria so yes my spelling and grammar is a shocker! :)
Regards
Stefan
I've been watching your videos and I think that you know more about proper social interaction then many neuro typicall people.
Thank you for all your videos, I find them so helpful and also uplifting
You are brilliant! So much of what you talk about...I can relate to and i appreciate that you share your struggles and successes, in such an authentic way!
I want to have more non-judgmental relationships, and I still haven't found a partner that loves me unconditionally, but I am still full of hope and love.
Great video! 😊
As your countryman and my all-time hero Tony Attwood says: "Don't be a 2nd rate neurotypical. Be a 1st rate Aspie."
great quote and I'm going to try to think that way.
I love the depth of mercy, grace and forgiveness that lies in the following Qoute:
"LOVE covers a multitude of sin".
The Beginning and Origin of mercy, grace and forgiveness is LOVE.
And as Devine love shows in mercy, grace and forgiveness power even over sin; so human Love conquers any shortcomings, difficulties or problems in relationships where the love is bestowed on the beloved graciously, freely, compassionately and mercifully.
That then freely produces a response of loving obescience in whatsoever is good and right and that completes the whole relationship of willingly placing the beloved's needs at the 1st priority level.
Beautiful concept.
A most empowering message for aspies and just about anyone. Actually, id say that it applies to everyone. I believe that everyone, aspie or not, could totally relate to your message.
It had a powerful affect on me and brought me to tears.
I thought I had a good self image, that this didn't apply to me... That it was a non-issue.
I never realized how much masking my idenity was affecting me.
I'm Not one to conform, at least i thought i wasn't.
I now realize that nobody really knows the real me, not even my husband of 20 years.
What a sad reality and i only have myself to blame.
wow! this was mindblowing! thank you! Truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth!
The first bit of this video really got me thinking about my younger years. Always wanted to ask questions, always wanted to let people know when they were wrong and (in my head it was helping) let them know the right answer. Was shut down and constantly told not to....unfortunately for me this developed into me finding it really hard to ask questions throughout my schooling.
It depends on what it is the person is saying or doing. If their hurting me with what their saying or doing then I will say something as it needs to made clear that whatever it was hurt me, the same as I need to be pulled up when I’ve said or done something hurtful to someone as I’m autistic and struggle too
Thank you from the bottom of my heart ,I'm learning so much from you about my son and about myself x
great to hear! Thanks Paul :)
This isn't just an Aspie problem. Neurotypicals are victims of this and wear masks all the time, too... For the same essential reason. Because, truthfully, we're all broken. Then we're all taught to "conform." So we all go through that feeling of not truly being accepted for who we are, and, "if people knew the real me, they wouldn't accept me." The difference is, it's easier for neurotypicals to recognize on their own that conforming is simply a skill that helps us behave in a socially acceptable manner in certain environments. They also seem to more readily recognize that we all wear masks and that a major part of the beauty of life is learning to look beyond the masks to see the mosaic of people and personalities behind them. So, they don't generally need the world to change its language to make them feel better within it. They are more likely to come to that realization on their own ('though, not always).
Great video and actually I would say ALL people need this kind of acceptance.
Thank you for summarizing this SO well! I knew this about my partner, years ago but most assume the worst... I just always knew he didn’t intend to be mean. Just not the same socially. He actually told me he was broken years ago in a conversation. So sad.
Very though topic to cover, regardless of our personal trivia are. I actually, admired you to address this topic, most people probably don't even admit to self ,let alone sharing to public.
Great video and you are certainly not broken!
I just wanted to say Thank You for sharing your life experience in a way that is so helpful to others. I have a friend who has not been diagnosed formally, but has 90% of the symptoms and signs of someone with Aspergers. He is one of the most amazing individuals I have ever met, and I would never consider him "broken " - but I have had to teach myself to learn his language and his way of communication. Very aware of the "mask" when it goes on, and also extremely flattered when it comes off and my friend is just being his brilliant self. Unconditional Love is the key, I am so thankful for your words of wisdom. You searched your brain and heart for the right approach, and what you came up with was spot-on!
You're welcome :)
@@autismfromtheInside wasn't expecting a reply. How nice. Your videos are a lighthouse of information. I watch two or three a day sometimes. Really trying my best to be there for my new friend. You have helped more than you could ever know.
I’m surprised I’m not the only one who thought like that...and lived like that to be accepted and to fit in.
I copied those each character to each person and to each situation.
So if those each person meet all together and discuss about me, they all will say different about me...
Thank you for this..
This is so helpful for neurotypicals!
Thank you again!!!! I've never seen videos like yours before. Your insight and information helps me. Again thank you.