9 COMMON Mistakes that therapists make (Can therapy be bad for you?)
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- Can therapy be bad for you? There are mistakes that therapists make that could make it so. I’ve heard of less-than-positive experiences when people sought help from mental health professionals. However, I believe the exception proves the rule. If we find a therapist who manages to avoid these common mistakes and provides a positive experience, they are exceptional. These are the therapists who could truly help us. What if this becomes the standard not only for mental health professionals? In this video, I will share the most common mistakes that therapists make (which can make therapy bad for you) and how to spot a good therapist who can truly help you.
1:1 Coaching - autismexplained.kartra.com/pa...
🎞️Timestamps:
0:36 Introduction
1:03 The exception proves the rule
2:15 Almost all advice is unhelpful
3:30 Inappropriate Advice
6:12 Believing you can
7:37 Therapists can’t know everything
8:57 What works for other people does not work for us
12:38 Focusing on the wrong problem
14:23 The most important thing is show up authentically
15:07 The Collaborative Approach
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I'm a therapist, and I'd encourage anyone to bring this video to their therapist and talk about it. The reaction you get will be telling.
Shouldn't be up to the people
@@publiceyes473This is absolutely true, but unfortunately not all therapists work well with their clients. This video is a great way to inform professionals in order that things can change over time.
All we need is one non-autistic therapist to believe and start fighting for us instead of explaining long explanations of how we should wait
Cheers to you for being an awesome therapist who agrees that standard therapy doesn’t really work for those who are in part of the ASD community.. it really can save so much anguish, reduce self-harm as well as potentially save their life. 🙏
@@SunshineGrove04 also true
I am a fairly new autistic therapist (been practicing for about 2 years), and all of the points you made in this video are things I learned in my very first semester of grad school. This is all pretty foundational stuff.
I have been incredibly disappointed by the number of horror stories I have been told about bad therapists who make all of these mistakes (and more) and don't recognize the damage this does to their clients.
I will spend my whole career advocating for more therapist accountability because it is far too often that therapists do more harm than good.
I am completely and irreversibly destroyed by a former therapist. Anyone who has read her clinical notes jaw drops to the ground. A therapist told me don't bother bringing her up to the board because it is peers who won't risk their jobs no matter how wrong the therapist was. She cited 14-15 ethical violations among other things she is finding in the notes.
Here, here!! 👏👏👏
You are the game changer in the field & keep going!!!
We need so many many more like you!! 🙌🙌🙌✨
THANK YOU .
Yesss...the community needs more people like you.
The current paradigm was established by NTs trying to figure out what is happening in our heads. It's like going to a distant country and trying to interpret their culture in terms of your own.
We need more ...@autismfromtheInside 😏😏😏
@@KarenDUlrichI understand and I really empathize with you because I am still recovering from the anger and frustration of a short (five months) CBT treatment, which I quit almost a year ago.
The therapist already failed on the level of understanding and validating my experiences. It's pretty clear to me that she was ignorant, blunt minded and stupid, and I still can't get my head out of it. Damaging enough.
But no damage of this kind is irreversible, do as much as you can to keep that in mind 🙏🙏 The journey of every ASDer is very personal is very different but I'm sure there is a way out even if you haven't found one in a long time.
1. giving advice
2. invalidating one's issues/problems
3. treating clients as inept or inadequate
4. telling you what to do
5. acting as if they are the expert when it comes to YOUR life
6. dismissing client's experience
7. skipping understanding
8. focusing on solving the WRONG problem
9. bluffing confidence
This also sounds like my mother 🤦♀️
Thank you!
@@katherinel1801there is another video for him in that
Sounds like my mom and my ex
anyone who self-appoints to be your life solver/coach
Being dismissive is a big one for me. When they start with, “You’ve made it this far and done pretty well” I know they can’t see all the accumulated struggles I’ve had to navigate to appear seemingly okay. The level of masking I employ just to interact with a therapist is exhausting.
I understand so completely. I cut my last therapist loose almost a year ago (there’s been many) and will never have another one now. It would be really great if we NDs could find a way to be there for each other, in a way we understand and can deal with.
It's frustrating when you have to teach your therapists and then pay them. I no longer go to therapy.
They should be paying you a consulting fee!
Now that autism diagnoses are much more common, hopefully more therapists will be better trained to diagnose and understand it.
I have gotten much more useful help, advice, and information from autistic and adhd creators on social media than from so-called professionals. Part of it is that we face many of the same experiences, so it’s veryvalidating, but part of it is also that their advice isn’t directed AT anyone. It’s just there in a “this worked for me” capacity, for anyone to decide for themselves whether this might be helpful for them specifically. And there’s nobody telling you not to adapt it.
I agree!
The most common issue I have with therapy is being told by nearly all therapists I’ve seen that everything I think and feel is wrong instead of trying to help me understand why I feel the way I do and how to help me to feel better. I also find this happens in general life too. No one can help me feel better they just tell me I’m wrong about everything. Oh and my absolutely favourite (not) is when I’m hurting whether it be emotional or physical they say take your meds or take some painkillers you’ll be fine. Does it ever occur to them that I need to work through what’s causing the pain and try to find a way not to have to feel pain all the time?
❤
They are projecting on to you! Always keep that in mind. It is very condescending to say the least. In general, not just therapy! Basically manners. Yes shrinks tend to forget those (if they ever had them at all), because they are so used to analyze their opposite and feeling superior, because they will „fix“ you. Yes they become sloppy and lazy in their own private life. Shrinks are some of the most aweful parents, they worst stories of parenting I heard were almost all shrinks.
There‘s very very few who are actually not a nut job themselves! Often worse than you! Most shrinks are top notch narcissists and coverts at that - the worst kind. All they want to do is get you hooked so they can start draining your purse!
They don‘t care about you becoming healthy one bit, only very few do and they would tell you upfront that you guys have no healthy chemistry. If anyone should notice that, it‘s THEM! 😂
Those who are trained in working with kids and teens are usually the only ones who can be good at what they do.
This is a great comment. It's probably the most significant and most common mistakes of therapy to try and 'fix' a patient rather than accepting it is the society they live in that needs to be fixed.
I normally never comment on anything on the internet. But this really gets to me.
I once had a therapist in a psychosomatic clinic who told me that I just wanted to fight with him about who was the cleverer of the two of us and that the way I spoke and dressed indicated that I had a problem with my age. He kept making comments like that. I was completely offended every time and didn't understand why he would say something like that. When I told him that it hurt me and that it wasn't okay, his response was that I couldn't care less what he said and that I should think about why it triggers me. When I then considered changing therapist, he said that I wouldn't be able to solve my problems if I went to another therapist. In hindsight, I realise how blatantly manipulative that was. But he made me feel so insecure that I stayed with him. I was in a psychosomatic clinic at the time because I had suffered a few deaths and illnesses in the family, a separation and a move and was struggling with somatoform symptoms and severe panic attacks. The end of the story was that this therapist diagnosed me with narcissistic personality disorder.
When I called him and asked how he came up with this diagnosis, he said that he didn't have to justify it to me and that if I had a problem with it, I should speak to his superior. I felt so exposed and misunderstood that it threw me completely off track again. I was unable to function for months and felt frozen, unable to work, sleep, eat or cook. I no longer wanted to live and at the same time I was extremely afraid of dying. I sometimes spent hours pacing around my living room like a tiger in a cage and was terrified of going completely mad. Thank God I got out of it eventually, but the experience still haunts me and I needed years of therapy to come to terms with it.
I've suspected for a few months now that I'm autistic and have ADHD as well. It would definitely explain a lot. But even if I'm not autistic, your content makes so much sense to me and helps me enormously. Thank you so much for that. :)
Good lord. That’s horrible, and I’m so sorry. I briefly had a new med provider who set off all kinds of alarm bells for me. I had panic attacks and a serious bout of Fawn, which felt a lot like what you describe. I spent a fair amount of time looking around for another provider, but thankfully she resigned from the agency after about two months. In my more confident moments, I judged much of what she said to be inappropriate, and thought she would also be very bad for a lot of others who need meds. I don’t know why she resigned, but I suspect it was because I was right in my assessment.
Sounds horrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Perhaps the therapist was projecting his own problems to the clients.
@@jimwilliams3816 Thank you. It's really super important to look after yourself and feel comfortable with a therapist. It's good that you had the right feeling. Sometimes I still don't know if I can trust mine.
@@fintux Yes, that was probably the case somehow. But in hindsight, I can even understand a bit why this therapist perceived me that way, even if that doesn't excuse his behaviour. I always prepared meticulously for the sessions and presented the results of my analyses to him as if I were giving a lecture. That would probably have annoyed me too. But I actually thought that's what you have to do in depth psychology sessions. I rattled off the worst experiences like a robot (unfortunately I tend to do that). At the same time, I always had the feeling that I was telling too much. I often found myself crying afterwards in the nurses' room, where I felt much more comfortable... But I also believe that cognitive behavioural therapy or something body- or resource-oriented is much better in a situation like this anyway. At least that would probably have been better for me.
@@brille2011 In my experience most therapists and psychiatrists hate it when you research your own problems. What they actually want is someone who tells them their symtoms and goes "i have no idea why i am like this can you help me please dear smart doctor/therapist?". Most psychiatrists I've seen that I told "i think i have adhd/autism" have told me after 5 min that they don't think i have adhd/autism. They didn't even let my explain why i think i have it. I've had to do the tests for all the personality disorders 3 times now, always with negative results, but so far everyone has refused to test me for the stuff i actually think i have. One psychiatrist outright told me "i don't think you have autism, i don't know much about it and others don't either and a diagnosis would do you no good because no therapist would be willing to get themselves familiarised with autism to be able to treat you better". So basically he told me i'd have to suffer mistreatment by the medical establishment my whole life no matter what. Funny thing is though I've actually met a therapist already whom I never told about the autism suspicion (didn't really think i had it at the time) but after two years of therapy she was like "i don't know much about autism but I read a bit about it because i think it might actually be a better explanation for your problems than social anxiety, i think you should get it looked into". so there are actually some good therapists, they are just rare. It frustrates me to no end that for most it seems like the better informed you are about your own problems and the more coherently you can explain them, the less they believe you actually have what you think you have. I hope you will eventually find someone who doesn't do that and can actually help you and give you a correct diagnosis. I actually got an appointment today for an assessment in a month (sadly they can't do ADHD and autism assessment at the same time so i'll have to choose what's more important to me), fingers crossed the actual "experts" will know what they're doing and appreciate preparation
When I told my last counsellor I thought I'm autistic, she tried to explain away all my traits as CPTSD & didn't seem to believe the 2 (autism & CPTSD) could co-exist!! I don't think she watched any of the videos or read any of the websites I shared with her, trying to illustrate how these explain my experience of the world. I don't think she believed in alexithymia either, because she was exasperated whenever I told her I didn't know how I was feeling.
So many therapists have expelled me from their offices. They say they don’t like my behavior, what behavior? No one gives me a patient code of conduct.
Having a spine probably
I had a therapist tell me I was "annoying." That was the only time I ever went in for a session.
I can relate. I once had a psychiatrist who saw I was on anti-anxiety meds for complex post traumatic stress disorder and the dude had the balls to call me a drug addict. It's the only time I ever got up, walked right up to the unenlightened "doctor" and informed him to go F himself and to pick another profession because he failed worse than ice in hell at that one.
I'd consider his opinion.
Yes, they can be so cruel. My psychiatrist had me bring in my artwork which I was very proud of, and laughed at it and me, saying it was terrible and showed I had sexual anxiety. I was 15 years old! such ego he had!
I had one blaming me for being discriminated against while adjusting to a new life in a foreign culture.
@@dorie991 He almost sounds like a closest abuser relating your art to sexuality at 15. If you didn't bring it up and he just arbitrarily did, that sends red flags to me.
A good amount of NT doctors shouldn't even be practicing as they have neither the demeanor or understanding and many of us are their patients so it's like getting slapped on one cheek by family and the other by society/them.
I love number 2. How often I wish a second set of eyes would take a moment to read something to ensure that misunderstanding is less likely.
I have found that in most situations that you have a therapist who can only think inside the box trying to help someone who can only think outside of the box. If it's not on a therapists print out list, it doesn't exist. 🧔
I'm blunt. And I know big words. Not many people appreciate that. Therapists included.
The therapists could have prescibed drugs to suppress your intelligence and then give you an IQ test to do whilst high on presciption meds and then label you as 'average.'
I hear you👍 ....also just wanted to say I love your screen name!😃💚
Your post made me laugh out loud. Succinct and so true. You sound great to me.
Ditto. That combined with certain differences being blood in the water to bullies, and well, navigating basic things turns into all-out-strategic negotiation way more than it should😢
Yes. As I’ve aged I’ve determined that I can not see a provider who is younger than me because they simply cannot handle it and it shows.
They become so undone with unfiltered truth even when it has nothing to do with them.
I have an over bearing mother and I have recently moved 150km to 1.5km away from my parents, My mother was treating me like a child, bursting into my house unannounced, criticising me non-stop and giving me unsolicited advice. I tried to talk to her asking her to respect my boundaries several times and I got yelled down. The last time I tried to talk her she then personally attacked me and my disability and character so I decided it's best to go no contact with her. The psychologist told me I was to go back to the relationship and suck up her abuse because I had no life skills. I am 60 years old and lived a varied/experienced life. I told my psychologist there was no point continuing seeing her if that was all she had to offer
By the way, 'cookie cutter' relationship therapy has never worked on me and when I try to discuss with mediators/counsellors/female counsellors why I get invariably treated as though I am deficient. Nah just nah
That sounds absolutely terrible. I know you understand the irony that the psychologist telling you "you had no life skills" was the one that could have been teaching you better life skills if you did need to learn them, or suggesting occupational therapy or helping to connect you to resources if you needed them. You can literally learn Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, and part of them is making healthy boundaries for yourself, which it sounds like you understand on your own. It kind of sounds like "anti-therapy." There are good therapists out there, but it sounds like you haven't had much luck!
@@cynthiabrown5456 yes I agree. I think her comments were unprofessional and I've basically sacked her because of them. I went to see her because I was not prepared to put up with my mother's behaviour because they were making me unhappy. Her job was to give me coping skills etc if I needed them. Not to tell me to put myself in a position where I was going to become more anxious and make me feel worse
Having a sister like your mother, I agree with you.
@@cynthiabrown5456 and yet she did not offer any of this. Just insults and gaslighting basically
Thank you I saw a therapist for a decade when young who was not helpful He even said he thought i chose to be mentally ill when i was about 17 .I was diagnosed with autism at 40
My current psychologist is very good- she offers suggestions when I ask for them but asks me if I think it would be helpful and doesn't try to push them on me. She recognises that my anxiety is not caused by my thoughts, whereas previous psychologists I've seen have tried to convince me that unexpected small talk or interruptions to my routine are not a big deal.
My now former OT sucks because she latches on to things I briefly mention and tries to solve them without questioning if the suggestions would be helpful or if it was something I wanted to work on in the first place. I now have another OT who is more helpful and doesn't overstep her bounds.
I won’t blame anyone for not reading this long-ass comment, but apparently I have a lot of thoughts at 5am.
It’s interesting, one of my biggest reasons for quitting therapy was that therapists would say they couldn’t tell me what to do because that‘s not their job, but I was asking to be taught HOW to do the things we both agreed I needed to do. I was told by multiple therapists that I’m very self aware, and tbh I think that made their type of therapy almost useless to me because they rarely told me anything I didn’t already know or gave me useful guidance. I don’t mean to make them sound bad at their jobs; I actually have liked most of my therapists a lot as people but eventually would either get through the situation that prompted me to seek therapy and therefore move on, or I’d reach a point where it felt like I wasn’t getting anything out of it other than a listening ear…which is valuable in itself, but I’m American and my insurance doesn’t cover therapy, so I was paying a lot of money I couldn’t really afford for that listening ear. It became so frustrating and felt so pointless that I moved on from my last therapist (who was an actual psychologist, unlike the other therapists I’d seen over the years) and decided maybe therapy just isn’t helpful for me. I WANT guidance and instruction from my therapist, because how else am I going to do anything differently? If I had all the answers already, I wouldn’t be paying $100-200 a session for help.
Since quitting therapy, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and learned a lot about autism from friends who’ve learned they have it and from creators like you, Paul. I’m fairly certain I’m on the spectrum, and probably would have been considered an aspie when Asperger’s was seen as a separate thing. So now I wonder if therapy was frustrating because the type of therapy itself (almost always CBT) doesn’t work for me. CBT was always recommended because my initial reason for seeking therapy was anxiety disorder, and some of what I learned early on did help, but once I incorporated those lessons/skills into my life, it was like they had nothing else to offer me to address the remaining anxiety and depression. I kind of stumped my psychologist a few times to the point she admitted she didn’t know what to tell me (in a validating way, not a dismissive way). No amount of CBT was going to change the way the world works, and that was the source of my pain. Now it makes a lot more sense; being neurodivergent means the world itself is literally harder for me to deal with, and the tools that work for neurotypicals who haven’t done the extensive introspection and mental health “research” that I have, are not going to work for me.
TL;DR what I probably actually need is a coach, not a therapist. For now, though, all I can afford is RUclips…which has honestly done more for my mental health and self-understanding in the last year than most of my therapy did.
I hated CBT.
25% of people that are on the spectrum also have ADHD. I was misdiagnosed as a child and spent years on different medications that were probably developmentally detrimental to my development. Everything from multiple bipolar medications, to anti-depressants, even a few anti psychotic's. High functioning Autism wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. While I do have ADHD, I was only recently given my Autism Diagnosis at 44. I'm like great where do we go from here. How do I even fix me when I know I'm broken but, I don't know how? How do I know what part of me is masking? What isn't? After spending 90% of my life watching, memorizing, and conforming to social norms so, I fit in to the point most of it comes like second nature. I don't date, I don't keep any friends, as I am usually mentally so burned out by the time I get home from work it takes me at least an hour to recover enough to even move. Before I turn this into being all about me, I want you to know I can understand where you are coming from.
I feel you on so many points, here. I've been in and out of therapy for much of my life, and have always been at least a little involved in self help. Even when the therapy session feels more productive than usual, the little epiphanies I have while snuggling up with my friends or pets and listening to a podcast or youtube blow all of it out of the water. The masking that seeps into a therapists office probably doesn't help either tbh.
Maybe all of this was rhetorical and you weren't asking advice here, but if you're like me and the work done independently and the work done in the the therapists office seldom seems to synthesize together, I’ve been getting a lot from the new harbinger's Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills workbook lately. You can find the exercises for free on their website online if you make an account, but the workbook itself explains all of it in a very in depth way that is easy to follow while feeling authentic and practical enough that it isn't like reading a textbook or something.
@@boop27407 I did like DBT. It was useful.
Therapist here, and I just want to let all 3 of you know I read your comments and find them helpful. Kittysassafras, I have ADHD and it seems like I have ended up with a lot AuDHD clients, so had to become an expert, when previously I really wasn’t. I think my theory of therapy, which has always been to be affirming and realize that a person is an expert on their own experiences, coupled with my own neurodivergence is what made that happen. I was bothered a bit by the advice part of this video, but also get it. I do give advice, and I believe in questioning yourself, especially when you are working with other people’s lives. But as I’m thinking about it, I realize that I don’t give advice exactly, the person and I problem solve together. Typical CBT seems like the worst idea ever for autistic people and watching autistic creators and commenters talk about how often that’s been tried is mind boggling to me. I guess there is some CBTish stuff I’ve done in therapy. Like C, cognition- Let’s challenge that neurodivergent shame. You’re a Mac and the world is mostly PCs, so it’s hard. B, behavior- How about allowing yourself to unmask more? I guessing you’re exhausted. Who do you feel safe unmasking around? Want to try with me. You don’t have to look at me. I don’t have to look at you. Hey, we can color, then we won’t look at each other. Have you tried stimming for soothing? Have you thought about carrying noise cancelling earbuds or headphones around with you, because you never know when they’ll be helpful. Do you need a letter for high school or college? Maybe something that says you can use them, or you can step out? Let’s figure out behaviors that will make your life easier and more enjoyable. - And in the midst of it all I often also have to say, what did you say, my mind disappeared on me for a second and I didn’t realize it was doing it. Which is why I always disclose in the first session that I have ADHD, and what that might possibly look like.
IMHO, the clearest way to state the problem is that therapist don't actually understand the differences in how our brains work.
Neurotypical people see the outward behaviour of autistic individuals and they most often get it wrong because they try to fit us under these very common categories (are you selfish? Lazy? attention-seeking?). Therapists do the same. Looks like nobody's trained to treat ASD yet...and i think a similar thing happens in ADHD, even when it's said that CBT is very effective (i had two very frustrating attempts at it)
Your example with the email is really clear, been there. My last therapist would interpret perfectionism or social anxiety because writing emails took me a lot of time. Fact is (i realised later on my own), sometimes it's very hard for me to coherently organise simple ideas for others to understand. HUGE mental effort, and of course as an ADHDer I have issues with engaging in mental efforts, specially if I can't identify why it's so hard. Needless to say, when i try to send emails (or messages, or even talking) without "overthinking" or being "perfectionist" I can be very hard to understand, sometimes not even speaking in actual grammatical sentences😂. And so on.
And this other thing you mentioned is an extra layer of confusion, not realising that our worry is often based on actual situations that taught us we have to be more cautious. So they say "just don't worry and do it" and they are so unbelievably wrong
Word❤
Interesting that you mention not talking in grammatically correct sentences! This is something I have noticed myself doing recently. (I'm 68) And although not professionally medically diagnosed, I have been studying autism for 30 years after noticing my 3rd child did not develop as other children I had been around. I was a trained and experienced occupational therapist too. I made 3 attempts to have him diagnosed and eventually he was at 21yo! But since the internet and so many autistic people making videos on RUclips etc. I have realised that I am definitely autistic too! Possibly more extreme than my son! I recently tried therapy again but gave it up after a couple of sessions when I realised the therapist knew nothing at all about autism and I felt very frustrated. I have had a couple of therapists that I felt were somewhat helpful when crises were going on in my life, but on the whole I haven't found talking therapy all that useful.
This!!! They immediately think our fears or worries are irrational when, in fact, they are often very realistic and likely to happen, as experience has painfully taught us many times up until that point. It's so difficult explaining that to them and having them actually understand.
❤️..and not really being treated at all. Even when they say that they're treating...😑so you suffer ALONE.
@@zee1010 word
When I was 18 and getting sent straight to the psych ward after only 3 sessions.
Bonus: the police were also there and gave me a (non) choice: Refuse or go with the paramedics willingly. A brief criminal investigation also opened up against my mother for suspected abuse which in no way happened nor did I say anything alluding to it in those few sessions. I have since developed a more weary view on therapists since.
Be careful about breaking down in front of one (where speech gets worse with it), no matter how many times you made it clear it could happen but that you are fine, it's not that you are in any sort of crisis, it's just your brain is overwhelmed for the moment. You risk being sent back to the psych ward if you do with many of these people.
@@mythiasabsolutely. i was sent to the hospital for crying too much to talk because of being so exhausted overwhelmed during a first meeting with a new psychologist. then when i got there and was actually able to explain my actual problems they went "can't help you sorry". thankfully i live in eu or it would've been a massive strain on my (parent's) budget. been years, still waiting to be allowed to get help.
Where I live in the USA you have to be a danger to yourself or others to be hospitalized. They would not hospitalize you for crying.
Meeting with new therapist for first time. Being aware of my autism at 40 because a psychiatrist didn't want to tell me 5 years ago because their was no "cure" is IMHO beyond insulting. I finally have found a therapist who I will meet in 3 weeks for the first time who has helped autistic people for 30+ years. I am watching this to get your additional advice so going into this, hopefully I can make the most of it as my life has been decimated in the past 5 years because of this.
It’s malpractice. Consider sharing and reviewing your prior therapist’s notes and records with your new therapist. Then talk to a malpractice lawyer for 5 years of knowingly negligent care, deception and denying you informed consent. Denying a patient a diagnosis which can be mentally and spiritually liberating is not only malevolent incompetence but it’s also cruel and selfish. I feel violated just hearing your story. Hopefully, your new therapist understands your experiences and potential better.
{Opps… unsolicited advice alert.}
I just ghosted a personal coach that violated every single point. She lied and said she'd worked with ND. Basically I paid her to gaslight me.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I hope it didn't make you lose hope or confidence to look for appropriate support/help in the future.
Be careful with personal coaches or life coaches. They don't need any training (at least in my country) to practice.
I think „Don’t worry too much“ is generally one of the worst pieces of advice one can give. Period.
And dumbest!
It kinda worked. My mind is always calm, even when my body is extremely anxious and unable to function. I think they call it dissociation?
So you guys think worrying too much is a good thing?
The advice itself might not be enough, but ignoring it would definitely be a problem.
@@LukeSumIpsePatremTe Yeah, I think that the problem is that it is easy to say that but it is not very helpful.
There’s a line at the end of a Tom Petty song I always liked - “I’m so tired of being tired, sure as night will follow day, most things I worry ‘bout never happen anyway.” As a hypervigilant person who tries to anticipate what might possibly go wrong, that perspective helped. I was a couple years into a period of time when a series of serious problems that I worried about, and some which I never saw coming, DID start happening, when Petty died as a result of self treating pain from the broken hip that he endured on his last tour. The symbolism was not lost on me.
The series of bad things which did happen really undermined what capacity I had to trust that things I worried about - the truly bad things - were pretty unlikely. That loss of (already limited) faith was not the sole reason I spiraled, but it definitely contributed. So I can vouch for the problems worrying too much can cause.
But yes, I also consider it unhelpful advice. First off: how? With my nervous system being what it is, it’s a bit like telling someone in dire financial straits that they should “try to make a ton of money.” Nice work if you can get it!
And there’s a reason so many of us do worry about things: we don’t think fast or cope well with the unexpected. In the end, the stuff I never saw coming was the very worst, and I have to learn to live with the mistakes I made in trying to deal with those things. They were big mistakes.
I'm an undiagnosed Autistic person who has run into these problems with nearly all types of medical professionals across the entire board to the point where I have almost decided to let myself deteriorate instead of dealing with medical professionals who simply aren't LISTENING TO ME 🤬😮💨😑 I just really find it incredibly frustrating to have to deal with the same types of mistakes made by many different types of "supposedly" "professional" people who just WON'T LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING 🤬😮💨😑Truly incredibly frustrating 😮💨
I work with someone who is always going to the doctors for whatever is not perfect, and they wonder why I don't go to the doctor when I am ill or having trouble: their conclusion, I'm not ill or having trouble.
It takes time to find the minority of physicians who (1) want to help people, and (2) understand the need to LISTEN and only then explain and offer solutions. When I'm feeling ill, I'm in no mood to spend time and money to be gaslighted and given a prescription for what their cookie-cutter told them was good.
It seems that from the start of their studies and careers, doctors etc. are taught that they need to control the situation, and are futher taught "models" of the various ailments and how to treat them. Once they go into practice, they are visited by pharma salesmen who make their well-honed sales pitch. So if they entered the profession to make their mother happy or earn a lot of money, all they have in their "bag of tricks" is a series of stereotypes and solutions that pay off for them and the pharma companies. When I attempt to derail their preset narrative, they have nothing else to offer.
Doctors have trouble maintaining "ear contact", so we need to help them with what they can do: never go unprepared. Work up a timeline, what happened when, with basic details like body temperature, blood pressure, photos if you took any, etc. and what you did at that time. Make sure it's neatly laid out, easy to read, more attractive than a medical textbook, because their training taught them to deal with textbooks. On a separate sheet, have your questions and make multiple-choice answers & reasonings, to help them realize that you have been thinking about this and aren't coming out of ignorance. Keep it within 2 sheets of paper, with enough space to be easy reading.
This should derail the preset narrative. Praise their superior medical knowledge, but insist your "front-row seat" view of what is going on with yourself is also knowledge. If they reject it out of hand, don't feel guilty for staying polite but never going back. If they engage with it, you'll have helped them, and yourself.
(it took me 10~20 years to get good at this, but it helps.)
I used to take my Father to appointments because he takes no shit incase I froze or wasn't listened to then he and my psychiatrist kicked me out to talk about me behind my back . Now I just don't go to Doctors because I can't think of another solution. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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@@MNknoword❤
I have this problem, and worse still gets don't listen about my dog, that's upsets me more
Another to add to the list and have it 10 mistakes: toxic positivity and trying to make you go along with it. I guess depending on how they are going about it, I guess could fall under advice or invalidation a lot of the time. Like with the advice, you gotta be careful how you respond to it so that you avoid being told something like, "I'm trying to help but you refuse all I offer to help. If you want my help, you have to try." That response can be more harsh and even final sounding than that example which is when, I guess, you need to find a new person if possible and hope you don't get sucked into responding in a way that does more harm than good that may lead to other repercussions. In my experiences, being told something like that from a therapist when you won't/can't accept what they are pushing on you and you pushback or just refuse it, that sort of response is way too common for them to come back at you with.
I am retired autistic elder and multiply neurodivergent (66 years old) with many co-occurring conditions. I have worked in the counselling and mentoring industry for decades before retiring. This video has a not-so-subtle hint in promoting coaching Yes, a lot of this is true about therapists. However, there are many types of therapists with different skills, so this is vague. Some people have therapy when they don’t need it because they have been advised to do so. That doesn’t automatically mean they should see a coach either. There’s a lot wrong with the coaching industry as well which I haven’t got the time to document here.
We all need to discern what we really need for ourselves and not follow the sheep. You don’t just go to a coach if therapy int working out too well. They are totally different avenues of help, and some people have mental health issues that can’t be dealt with by seeing a coach. Most of this video is treating the issues like one in the same therapist vs coach. Much of coaching isn’t helpful for autistic people as its built on a model for non-autistic people. However, they get sucked into the hype and its goal orientated template, which is a limited view on how to help people.
Many of us do not need to focus on goals especially when being autistic, as they often create more stress and demand avoidance in many. A much gentler approach is needed to live a meaningful life. Many would benefit better from a mentoring approach as its more nurturing and allows time a space to evolve and this can even be done with someone in your life so doesn't have to be from a professional. Many like to also lump mentoring and coaching into the same basket when they are not the same thing at all just as they are not therapy. Mentoring does not involve pushing and goal orientated homework.
Many conventional therapies use psychology and techniques that do not work for autistic, and many other neurodivergent people and NTS for that matter. Clinicians often default to these because they do not really understand a neurodivergent brain and how it presents trauma, and emotions. This is also why complex mental health conditions are often not recognised in autistic people because they present differently than in neurotypicals. The conventional approach is a one size fits all toolkit for the masses which is modelled on neurotypical people.
I have also seen neurodivergent therapists who say they understand their fellow peers but then default to this system, because they have been trained and have their qualifications from neurotypical methods. This is why I say don’t assume because a therapist or clinician is neurodivergent, they will be able to help you. Being neurodivergent isn’t enough. For instance, we may be autistic, but that doesn’t mean we understand or know how to help people with ADHD, or any other neurodivergence. Also being autistic doesn’t mean we can automatically help other autistic people.
If a therapist wants to help others in a professional role, they will need to have evolved to a place of wisdom. Unless we can understand our own suffering, we will not have the wisdom to help others. Just like being a great guitarist doesn’t mean we can teach others how to play. Many people mistake knowledge for wisdom. Unless transformation is gained from knowledge there will be no wisdom, and without wisdom, there is no right use of knowledge. Without this we are just textbook therapists thinking our qualifications are the authority, and why there are so many people in all these types of industries incompetent and out of their depth.
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The main thing that I took away from this video is a better understanding of what my counsellor is doing right. It took me many years, and many different professionals to find someone I could work with and I have never really been able to articulate what made him different. Thank you.
💯🎯 All of this! Neuronormativity in therapy is so damaging for us. The other frustration for me is if I have to do too much education and the appointment becomes their professional development more than my support.
Some of the weirdest ideas came from a therapist who'd supposedly just been through a neurodiversity training module with the organisation. Whoever had delivered it was clearly very out of date in their understanding.
Therapy time is an investment and a bad therapist is not worth continuing with. They can really mess with our heads.
It can be a significant monetary investment, too. Especially when your income potential is limited by your inability to emulate neurodiverse traits. As I was told shortly before abandoning telemarketing forever, "Just talk to them like you're talking to a friend." I got zero ideas about succeeding in sales, but knew instantly I wouldn't be making any friends there.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head of the coffin. I had a therapist who did most of these things, and not surprisingly, I stopped seeing her. She always talked over me, focused on things other than what I was there for, and even nosed into my boyfriend's issues--and he wasn't even her client. She also had ignorant ideas about us bisexuals. I didn't feel validated and couldn't be vulnerable with her, which defeated the whole purpose of therapy. I've been better off without her.
#10: Failure to differentiate the communicative and therapeutic approach for each client based on their unique, individual needs, understanding, self-insight, strengths and weaknesses, life-skills; the list goes on.
For example, at a minimum, any therapist upon getting to know you, Paul, would need to make major adjustments to accommodate for your highly developed and highly unusual level of self-insight, introspection, and theoretical and applied emotional intelligence. Interestingly, I would think that would also include setting expectations sky-high for both their (the therapist) as well as your level of the technical substance and communicative discourse when processing the various psychological issues.
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After 45 years of a huge number of pyschologists, therapists and pyschiatrists, I have seen so many of these mistakes.
Granted many were very well meaning people but sometimes I knew more about their jobs than they did. Even worse some of these professionals are as dumb as rocks or have no "instincts" for therapy.
I have one of those miracle workers right now but we had no idea about Autism until recently so things have been frustrating without the correct parameters.
I was reminded of this idiot therapist long ago that insisted that I must be an alcoholic.
I told her that I never drink alcohol. She then told me that all alcoholics say that.😂😂😂
I am very allergic to alcohol so the whole thing was absolutely ridiculous.😂
Thank goodness, it was a gov't assigned worker and I did not have to pay for such stupid advice.
Oh wow, that problem #7 resonated SO MUCH for me. Basically, it's because I'm in my 60s, right? I've had therapists on and off since I was in my 20s. I've lived a lot of life - just deciding to go into coaching or therapy is going to entail a LOT of explaining of context and history (so much history... exhausting just to contemplate). It's hard even for me to figure out what to focus on, what would be the most efficient and useful way to communicate it all. Having a therapist who doesn't fully understand how to navigate this treacherous territory is so frustrating. It isn't complicated because I'm bad at it - it's complicated because it's complicated!!
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On the one hand if I tell my therapist I'm Autistic they may be able to help me better, on the other hand they may think I can be manipulated and gaslit easier.
Still haven't met a therapist who wasn't toxic. The last one told me everyone has 'the same' struggles as a person with ADHD and Autism.
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Wow. At this point in my life, I would have left there and then
Uuuh, a "good" old classic! Thanks, I hate it.
A bit off topic: I'm not a therapist, just an autistic person but when you said "faking confidence" it just brought back a lot of memories, this has been a survival strategy since school days and it has reinforced a lot of unhealthy habits that I'm untangling.
It sucks when sensory issues arent believed
@Daathiellmfao!! Those are good!! 😂😂😂
@Daathiel that is good analogy
I got frustrated with my last therapist because I was going through burnout. I had switched to working solely from home for myself and she just kept repeating that my stress was far less than I was working for my former employer. Totally unhelpful.
I cant do therapy cuz i spend the time trying to make my therapist comfortable with me. I try to be what they want and expect me to be. It is exhausting
@Daathiel lol totally right on🤣
Perfectly said.
Oooh shit yeah I do this too 🙃
I am 51 and was diagnosed less than a year ago. I have seen several therapists over the last thirty years and recognise all of these nine traits. I have found it helpful when a therapist has known me well enough to know that I am masking, has gently challenged me on that and taken the time to find out what was going on behind the mask. Unfortunately the relationship ended when she went of on maternity leave. I was very happy for her and her new family but have never found a similar therapeutic relationship.
Great video, thank you for posting!
I’ve noticed that therapists who are trained in a single technique (CBT for example) tend to have very limited understanding of human nature and psychology and are often most dogmatic.
Integrative, psychodynamic or human centred therapists tend to draw from different lines of thought, have more tools in their belt, tend to be more empathetic and curious about people in general. They are hard to find, but worth searching for.
I tried to explain my neurodivergent issues with a psych post an attempt on my life two years ago and a huge life change, namely sobriety and homelessness, a mental breakdown and they just told me I was just an addict and delusional. Wrote down that my diagnosis was I was: Psycho. No smiles, no words of encouragement, no empathy. Kept checking his watch. All my healing since has been done by videos like this and other people's stories. So thanks! To all the videos like this and people who watch them who show my empathy! 😊❤
Besides not listening these aren't the main problems that I have had in therapy. One of the major problems I have had is the therapist takes too much credit for temporary improvement that I have made. Then when I go into a struggling phase again they blame me for regressing. Really I just have cyclical problems. They didn't cure me.
And this just helped me realize my issue with therapists. They always focussed on my childhood trauma, but I needed someone to help me with my neurodivergency.
Psychology is one of my special interests, and it's like you read my mind. We are treated like we're being arrogent, when really we know more about ourselves than they do.
To anyone seeking therapy, I always suggest an occupational therapist, they are the real deal who have been understanding us since before the "doctors" knew autism was a spectrum.
Для меня самым важным оказался пункт про то, что клиент сам должен задавать направление. А то я уже так привыкла подчиняться тому, что правильно по нормам, что потеряла в этом себя.
Спасибо, что подсветили этот аспект! 🔥
И признать, что ты чего-то не знаешь, давай разбираться вместе. 🙌🏻
My biggest frustration with therapy was just a sense of lack of direction. I felt like there was no goal and no attempt to provide structure to the session. I went there and would vent about a current problem I experienced, but then I left and just felt like it didn't move me in any particular direction, as opposed to setting a goal and to explore a certain topic or issue. The fear of creating rules and boundaries in talk therapy in particular is so antithetical when you're autistic, because a lot of the time you don't like when there's no clear goal or structure to a situation. All it does is make you feel confused and frustrated and like you don't know what you're supposed to do.
omg, I have experienced #2: invalidating my concerns. it is almost unbelievable when it happens. fyi, no one has the right to tell anyone else how they feel. I will never tolerate that again.
Wow. This video hit!!!! Am I unfair/unrealistic to believe/want that “therapists” could/should be interchangeable with “friends”…..like inner circle level, not acquaintances?? Like if you can’t avoid these 9 common mistakes in a friendship, on the regular, you’re not a good friend, yes??
Agreed no one should do this shit to people it's basic social skills.
After I took multiple tests from Embrace Autism and met people through AANE, I sought an official diagnosis. That was a difficult journey but not as time consuming for me as it has been for some people. Diagnosed as level 2 where I’m described as needing significant support, I’m glad I didn’t know as a youngster. I’ve developed coping skills on my own, and I wouldn’t have wanted people to think I have a disability and had lower expectations for my ability to have a successful life. I guess I think of myself as “differently abled.”
I like your attitude 🙂
This is very similar to my story & how I look at the entire thing.
You may have develpesd more or better coping skills with suport but, youll never really know how sucessful you would be. but this is a common cogative bias.
@@nitacollins3645 Yes, it's a common cognitive bias that if you'd been in a different situation, or were a different person, you would have been much more successful.
If you were a different person, you'd have a different set of problems, and would never 'really' know how successful you would be if you were an even different person in a still different set of circumstances.
My amateur insight is, if you work with what you've got, you get further ahead than if you bemoan what you didn't have.
@@MNknothe point is to say that proper support is a good thing for people's development, and should be the starting point from childhood. Or we could just ignore that and say "you can do it!".
The opposite of GOOD, is good advice.
I make this experience over and over.
You basically told my wife the same thing I've been telling her so thank you for the information. my wife has gone to several therapists and they all hit all 9 mistakes. But we're in Georgia USA so it's not the best now I know what to look for exactly
Thank you. Your list of three problems with advice are same three I came up with. However, I went one step further. For me, I made a definition for the phrase “useful advice”. The three criteria you listed determine if the the word “useful” applies. In order for a suggestion to qualify as “advice”, it must be ACTIONABLE. If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to show off how smart they by offering in-actionable advice…
SAFETY - why do therapists ignore that if we are NOT SAFE we CANNOT REGULATE which means we CANNOT HEAR THEM or ANYONE when they "help"
The one thing I don't like from therapist treating clients with ADHD (alongside other conditions like ASD) is their consistent push of CBT, which requires you to do homework and consistent training at home... which is ironic, since this is the group that is least likely to do these things. I've always immediately stated that I don't do CBT, because I don't do the homework, and they always tried to convince me that it's a "proven" therapy. Ok, proven for whom? the Neurotypical community?
In my experience, therapists are people who charge an arm and a leg to sit there and wait for you to solve your _own_ problems, then try to take credit for _your_ work.
Many years ago, I saw a counselor when I was in college. Whenever I described some of my actions or behaviors, she would often ask me, "Was that appropriate?" This was during the 90s. I now know that I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism and that therapists knew less about those conditions back then. I also now know that she was well-meaning, but I still feel extremely resentful towards her when I think about it. Not only that, but I was seeing her for depression and anxiety, and she was absolutely of no help to me. It's a miracle I survived that period of my life!
When I finally found a therapist I could talk to (many bad previous experiences) he was very good about avoiding the mistakes described in this video. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and since I was having some psychotic experiences, I was put on an antipsychotic called Moban. I did get some relief, but it dulled my personality so much and in the end just made things harder. I want to bring up this issue with my psychiatrist and am very afraid that he won’t understand or believe me. Yet, he is good psychiatrist in my opinion.. guess I am waiting to feel strong enough to bring up the subject of autism.
I stopped going to therapy for most of these reasons. The money I knew it was time to go was when I realized I was more concerned about making my therapist feel like she was doing a good job and about making sure I wasn’t disappointing her. I wasn’t actually improving. I would mask and even lie to her so she didn’t get disappointed in me.
i’ve been in therapy for a year or so and my therapist doesn’t make these mistakes except one, n2, because when I found out about what autism really was I told her my suspicions and she was like “no way I would know if you were because autistic people have incredible high intensity traits. You may have all the traits because *something like the “we’re all a bit autistic”* but having a diagnosis requires a really high intensity” and I tried explaining that autism is a spectrum (so i can’t have all traits ultra instinct), that the “we’re all a bit autistic” and similar is wrong and that I may push myself to not behave a certain way because of inadequacy and anxiety. During that time I seriously thought “I would love to show you how I can be autistic” wrongly because maybe that’s true, I’m not, it’s something else entirely but at that time i felt so invalidated that I would have shared all my “problematic” behaviour and rant about traumas and issues and get a reaction like “you were right”😮 and it wouldn’t be faking, it’s just that for my point of view it’s wrong to act out everything just because of a comment, so I kept my temper and explained in a different way. Nothing, still to this day she has really bad prejudices about autism that I’ve tried discussing but she’s a “wall” because she is the expert (true but still needs to take those prejudices out) and told me explicitly (so I should add also mistake 3?). Anyway this impacted me badly because half of the time i’m like “what if everything’s ok with me and i’m just a sh///y person? What if it’s not *autistic something* only that I’m a s//t person?” I already overthink a lot, but the lack of feedback from everybody else adult (specifically adult because ironically enough close friends and a classmate theorised I’m autistic, some of them before me) that I may be autistic really gets me tripping and feeling sooo bad…
Don't let a prejudiced person make you doubt yourself that woman should not be working with autistic people she has no self awareness.
This is so unbelievably true. As someone with ADHD I am so lucky to have found someone local who does listen to me and definitely does help. I also work in healthcare and hear constantly from my patients that therapy doesn’t work but it was the person/type of therapy that didn’t work for them. Wish there was equal opportunity for everyone to experience good/affordable therapy because it really is life changing
#10. Recommending mindfulness as the panacea for mental health issues.
“A good therapist is someone who can listen to me, actually hear me and understand me, who validates my experience and my challenges. Someone willing to come all the way and meet me where I'm at so that we can work together leveraging both my personal experience and their professional training. And what that looks like is they're exploring with me. They're offering me tools, they're suggesting strategies, they're talking with me and bringing me along on the journey so that we can decide together what we think would work, what we want to try, what we feel like is the most important thing to work on and ultimately make progress in the areas we've identified.”
That is so perfect, thank you! It will help me explain/clarify what I need from my therapy session when I get too overwhelmed to express it myself.🙂
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I went into therapy quite late in life, long ago and it took me a lot to finally to face my issues. What I found that you haven’t mentioned, is someone sitting ‘staring at me’ I know I don’t like eye contact but to be stared at whilst trying to explain my situation and not having feedback.
As an autistic therapist I found this video very interesting and I will share it with other professionals.
What I’ve found works well for me, now that I have a good therapist, is that I research what I think is going on and present it to her and then we work through if it fits together. Thats been the most helpful by far.
I experienced most, if not all of these things with my ex-therapist. She would also complain that it made her job much more difficult because I wouldn’t make eye contact. One time, she asked me to make and maintain eye contact, and I realized that I could not do that and speak at the same time. The other frequent complaint was that I had told a story, but not talked about how I felt (alexathymia).
That’s one of the things I had with a med provider that I was briefly assigned to. Same thing for me with alexithymia. My previous psych had noted that I describe things mechanistically, which I thought was accurate, and was fine with. This person told me that she’d had another client, who she understood because that person shared her inner life - but she had to “take me at my word” and could never know me, because I didn’t. First of all, she was not my therapist! Secondly, I was absolutely sharing and oversharing, as I always do, but apparently not in acceptable language.
Thank you! This has been a problem for me.
Thank you so much for making this video. Very resonant.
I am in therapy for 6 years by now and I have met more bad than good therapists.
My psychologist did all of these things. Watching this video gave me so much anxiety thinking about it lol. He kept trying to convince me I'm not autistic because i had friends and a job, he thought I'm just lonely and not putting enough effort into socialising. Which is ironic because decoding social interactions has been an obsession for me for years. His solutions didn't in any way addresss the reason I was seeking help!
I ended up not trusting him enough to share things, and would get blind drunk after our sessions (previously a non-drinker) to try and manage the massive anxiety i felt, and couldnt sleep for months after. He severely damaged my mental health by not listening to me and trying to "solve" my neurodivergence. I couldn't convince him I think differently to other people and our sessions devolved into being lectured for 40 minutes for not following his sage advice. Terrible experience.
Paul, you nailed this one so perfectly that I have nothing to add. Well, one thing. 😂
Part of the what’s necessary for me to “see” a possible solution is that I have to be able to understand it in terms that make sense to me. My way of evaluating anything is detailed and mechanistic and, well, a bit odd in ways even I don’t understand. My cognitive language differs pretty distinctly from the emotion-based language that many therapists are used to. Certain terminology can also clash with my lived experience: “Mindfulness” sounds judgemental to me, due to my ADHD inattentiveness. And though I vaguely grasp the concept of becoming aware of my body as a path to self regulation, my hypervigilance makes it hard to understand as a positive strategy.
I’ve heard various autistic people say that they just couldn’t understand Mindfulness until one day they could. I’m still waiting for that day, and it’s a pain that some things take so long...but I’ve learned to accept that they just do. The way therapists describe it simply doesn’t make sense to me, and a big part of not invalidating myself is accepting that it’s okay that I speak a different language. The alternative is to feel that, if I can’t understand it in the same way my therapist does, it means I am a broken person. I’ve long struggled with that perception, and as you note, feeling that way doesn’t help me function well.
Interesting topic & I appreciate the clear presentation! I have one to add & that is that I think one of the most important aspects of our safety is if we have a problem regulating our emotions, especially with regards to depression (or anger). I feel like it should be standard in our first appointments for a therapist to check in, see how our emotional regulation skills are & if we're safe & if we need to learn them & that can start immediately & help give people some emotional relief. My experience with therapy was so different, because my therapists wanted many details & it was ALL about the past, all of the time. I kept asking, can you please just help me now? I think this goes to the idea of client-led therapy. :) While talking about the past may help some people perhaps, I haven't met anyone who did well with that approach without learning good coping skills. I've known many people, especially neurodivergent ones & medication-resistant folks who spiral out way further because so many heavy topics come up that we don't have the skills to handle. I had NO idea that emotion regulation was something you can learn to do, even though I think any therapist should have noticed my trouble there! lol The therapist that finally got me in a program to learn skills changed (& likely saved) my life!
That is one thing that is common with everyone both neurotypicals and the neurodivergent. Falling into the trap that there is a one key solution. Each person is different, while many of our problems are similar, the way we approach or solve those problems in a productive manner that works for the individual can be very different.
I had a good one that I stuck with for like 10 years until she retired and then I got a terrible one. I didn't realise how lucky I was before x'D
The new one I got is a psychiatrist who did #8 super hard, where I explicitly say that my only irritation with getting a pay cut without a reason (or being informed of it until I saw a few hundred dollars missing from my paycheck) was being upset that I didn't get my money and the conversation went like this:
Doc: But you must feel upset about being treated like that.
Me: Well, I want my money so yes I'm upset I guess? But anyway, I have a theory that-
Doc: I think you're more upset that your boss didn't like you.
Me: In so far as it resulting in me not getting paid... yes? But like, some people are unreasonable, can't be helped.
Doc: Yes, but an experience like that can cause internalized negative feelings.
Me: Not really? I mean, I already told you how I did my work well and all, I know I didn't do anything wrong or rude according to my colleagues, the boss just didn't like me so it's not my fault.
Doc: But it must hurt.
Me: Like I said, I'm irritated about not getting paid but that's it.
Doc: So you don't feel upset that you couldn't get her approval? *skeptical face*
Me: No? I have five people who's opinion of me matter to me and if I can't get the approval of someone who isn't them, well, I tried, nothing I can do about it if it didn't work.
Doc: *suuuuper skeptical face* But I think there's a pattern here, you need to learn to be a part of society.
Me: Yeah, that's what I was going to say, I think the pattern could be that I am autistic and that might be why this keeps happening so if you could give me a referral to an ASD psycholo-
Doc: I don't think you're autistic. You're clearly a functioning member of society.
Me: ... (I was so confused that my brain actually shut down for a few seconds, pure 'error cannot compute' moment right there)
Very funny. She also did # 5, outright admitted that she's not an expert in ASD but when I said "well, from what I've seen in my research on autism" she cut me off with a "what you've seen? What about what I've seen as a doctor?" Lady, you said autists walk around with security blankets and can't talk or make eye contact. Not only is your information outdated, you're also wrong.
A very good video, thank you! It's true of many health problems.
By the way: A heartfelt reminder that the fastest track to figure out if your therapist is genuinely bad or there's miscommunication, is to actually talk to them about the problem. Aka before you ditch them and waste all the time and effort (and possibly money) and head to the next disaster, do by all means openly ask them about that thing that is going wrong between you!!
"I have a struggle with how our sessions are going and I'd like to discuss that". "I noticed that [e.g.] you often giving me advice and jumping to problem solving, but I was not asking for solutions, but rather emotional acknowledgment. I also struggle with the suggestions you give me, because I have heard them so often and this process is tedious and feels like trying to blindly throw dart arrows with eyes blindfolded while standing on a spinning platform. I have suggestions as to what works better for me, but I would also like you to have room to express how you thing this problem can be approached differently in future"
Good therapists can get caught up in a rut. But they are teachable and will show readiness to tackle this issue. If their reaction is defensive and condescending, do by all means also talk about that, before giving up! "I have the impression your reaction to my input is very negative rather than forwards faced. I understand that it can be difficult when your professionalism is questioned in some way shape or form, but it's BECAUSE you are a professional that I'd like to believe you are equipped with skill sets to work with feedback and pick up from there and a hopefully better cooperation, too. Do you think we can work this out or are we giving up and at least being respectful of each other's time and effort?"
This is very important. Thanks for putting together this info. It's good for ADHD too. Many therapists do not listen to your own self-knowledge and things you tried. They will dismiss my genetics test or tests, proving the genes are expressing. It's about skills for me. It's about the way bad experiences and mistakes in social interactions have harmed ones esteem. We don't need the esteem to be further chipped away.
Thsi video has been amazing and so relatable. I would want everything that was mentioned towards the end of the video about a good therapist. 😊
Thank you for this.
These points I encountered ever so often. There is some big ignorance on the "professional" side. Once I left a clinic in a far worse state b/c the people there who claimed to have some experience with autism just didn't. At least I got to a therapist who had an autistic child (and shows herself some of the symptoms). She is much better than all therapists before.
I love your channel. It’s so straight forward and helpful. Thank you
Thanks Paul. I just wanted to say thanks for putting this together, and for all your videos. It seems simple on the surface, but the amount of research, planning, production, and editing I know that you are putting into these videos is huge. The results are wonderful. You're creating windows of education that both are empathetic and accepting to all perspectives, calm and very well thought out in their delivery, and well supported by clearly explained scientific reference where appropriate. All together providing some solid building blocks to construct that vital bridge of understanding that underpins everything, so we can learn to better understand, support and improve the quality of life for everyone. Your internal passion to learn and use this to sincerely help others is very evident. Thank you for sharing this in such a way that it is so accessible and a strong means of helping educate others.
Excellent!!!!
Keep going with the awareness!!! Youre doing a great job!
I’ve had friends (now ex-friends) say some of that to me😢
😢 I feel for you. I had people I attempted to make friends with , who didn't know I have Autism (as I don't advertise it around new people), cut me off, call me names and have so many prejudices against me without ever putting actual effort to get to know me or see me for my heart that I genuenly opened for them. It never gets old how brutually painful that is. 😢
Thanks!
Great video. Thank you for affirming these challenges. This has been the case for my autistic friend. The NDIS is filled with these problems. People need to get better, not bitter. I think there's a lot to be said by how our species treats its own kind, but this is a simple fix, it seems.
This is a great video for me to send other support workers. It's time for change
I'm looking foward to your book.
Thank you so much for making this video Paul! I hope it will be shared with professionals around the world.
I have been seeking professional help for over 6 years now and these are really the key points why nothing has helped me, or worse - has been very harmful to me. I have tried and tried to explain it, only making the misunderstanding of my situation worse and having to move on and start from the beginning with a new therapist. My biggest problem now, is that I have developed a therapy-trauma through all of this, and that is also being dismissed. It is depressing on it's own, to recognise that you need help, to find the courage to seek help and then not receiving the understanding that you require!
Yes thank you ❤
Really good timing. Thanks! I have an aunt giving me advice right now. Sigh.
Thank you for your video 😊 Personal experiences of therapy just left me feeling gas lit for the most part. These issues you bring up really extend beyond therapists, they could apply whenever we're sharing an issue with loved ones, friends, and family. Dismissal of problems has to be the biggest issue for me to over come in communication. I can't seem to get ppl to understand my point if view. It's infuriating and I feel alone with the particular struggle. If only more neurotypical ppl watched your videos to get a better understanding 😔
Thank you for that.
I wish i had the confidence to tell my psychologist sister all of this. All her interactions with me about my autistic child are like this, all 9 points. She hasn't even seen said child or much of us in years, but still goes into pseudo professional mode and itsysi triggering. I feel bad for any kids and families in her care.
Thank you so much for sharing this, this was so helpfull. I've in Belgium often been patronised by therapists and coaches or they are just making assumptions. I hate all of this as a therapist you should just listen with an open mind and don't make assumptions or patronising people also forbidden your client to do a thing is not helpfull at all. They are not God.
Cool Paul, u are a life coach. Awesome
I agree with all your suggestions. And, maybe, not a therapist's concern, but, insurance is critical!! Lost 1 of my Best therapist bc insurance won't pay her. I've offered to pay something, yet, I quit job due to supervisor & colleages used my autism against me. Illegal, yes. I didn't want anyone to get fired on my behalf, so I took action. Not working now, trying to get sleep apnea under control. Told my bro I am retired. 57. Plus, wasn't diagnosed on spectrum till 12 - 15 years ago. Anyway thx for wise words!
Great video! Thank you! I have negative experience with a psychiatrist misdiagnosing me and not informing me about possible side effects, which were really awful. Now I’m going to have my first ever therapy session, a therapist recommended by my best friend. I will see if we can work it together. I suspect I’m an undiagnosed aspie, but I’m not gonna share it with her. Just talk about how I feel and my problems, we will see what we can do together. Maybe she herself will tell me at some point that I might be autistic, or maybe not.
I had a couple of therapists who asked me about my therapy goals in the first couple of meetings. I told both something like, "I'm not sure, but I definitely need someone who'll listen and let me bounce ideas off them, rather than having those ideas just keep going around in my head." Both responded along the lines of, "Oh, of course, listening is the least we can do, we can work up to more concrete goals later." And neither of them really listened.
Rather, they listened in the sense of trying to guess what I really meant, operating on the assumption that I'd follow the neurotypical norm of not saying what I meant. I never convinced them to actually take what I was saying seriously rather than playing "guess the hidden meaning".
So I think a lot of this is coming from one big underlying problem: their framework for interpreting what people say is built on indirect communication, they aren't consciously aware of that framework, and they don't know how to modify it. *Everything* goes through that filter. If it's the wrong filter, there's no way to identify or correct that problem.
A therapist who listens and is patient is important.
I used to say *"Therapists are to friendship what whore are to love."* , pointing out a contradiction between *business* and *emotional connexion* , and and what you say tend to confirm this to me.