Yes, which is pretty much everyone everywhere - work is special circle of hell as I must spend so much time over there, which I don't want to, and constantly interacting with people there who don't know private me & constantly overload with small talk and superficial, meaningless conversations that always take me off guard, even though I know it's coming! I don't understand why people can't just be in silence & if we talk it to be something actually meaningful or important.
I actually find it hardest to be around my family. I don’t mask at work so much because I don’t give af about the job or my coworkers but I do care about what my family thinks and I mask around them
I like that distinction between "wanting to be alone because I want to be alone" and "wanting to be alone because masking is exhausting" . For me, unmasking means a generally blank face and flat affect, and I know that puts people off.
Some people tell me what my mood is based on the behavior they have just witnessed, often with knowing so little about me. When I was younger I tended to believe them without question.
One of the things I'm still learning to untangle is how I feel vs what other people push onto me. When you've done it all your life, just accepted what someone else put onto you, it can be hard to sort.
I can relate to this. I think its led to a lot of inner confusion about how i feel. As a younger person i was told to stop being angry, i was aggressive etc ..... and i know now on the inside i wasnt. I've learnt over time i have some kind of "resting bitch face" when i'm in thought, puzzling things out, confused etc (and also when i'm not thinking about how i look, which is a lot). The feedback assuming how i was feeling became internalised to an extent that i assumed i wasnt a nice person. That has impacted friendships and relationships for decades. 😢 Now i'm learning how to recognise my internal states, identify them, and refusing other peoples assumptions.
You're absolutely right. That complicated message simply can't be conveyed with body language. I'm learning how to to "self-advocate" now, and it especially helps that more people in my personal world know about my ASD. I have greater freedom now to just say it: "You know, my mind is so fried right now, I can barely maintain twenty seconds of focus. I really want to talk with you, but now is a horrible time for me to try to do it meaningfully, do you mind?"
@ros8986Body language is complex. I think body language that can be paired with a word (like pointing to something while saying "that") is good body language, while something like crossing your arms and frowning is bad body language. One accentuates the meaning behind a vague word, the other provides nothing but a nonverbal mood indicator.
@ros8986you would be surprised how much the human mind interprets from body language - we were originally visual and auditory communicators... Before we learnt to speak. I also don't think people are communicating well anymore ... I mean NT people. More people are going through the phone and text, and a lot of people don't really watch and listen to others. At least from what I've seen. It also doesn't help when you have people reading about body language then assuming it's the same for everyone. That's like saying you can read random ppl's tell tale signs that they are lying. Sure there's common signs but every person is different, how they think, how they act or react, so yeah, their tell tale signs will be different. For instance my old manager at my last work place was really bad towards me but I had no clue lol. It took someone else to point it out to me... And if course looking back everything was coz of my ADHD and ASD. Woo. Lol. But what I'm getting at is that other people had no clue either or didn't care enough to really pay attention or they didn't really listen. I'd barely known this person who was new at work but as they worked right near my department, she was often around and hearing when he was "laughingly" or "light heartedly" abusing me. That same manager also read the body language stuff in a book and he concluded I was never interested all the time as I often had my arms crossed. I was surprised and said "I'm always cold or I don't know what to do with my arms or hands, so it's my default position.... Does the body language book mention it could be different with certain people? You know... Maybe there's different ways to interpret the body language if that person does things differently??" Yeah he had no answer for that lol. But yeah it is complex to understand. Whenever my partner can't tell if I'm angry or upset or not . I tell him that I will tell him if I'm upset with him or upset about something. But I guess it is hard to read people if you are used to how ppl act and then you come across people that are hard to tell or understand.. makes sense. I guess lol
@ros8986 I'm tempted to agree, but I am becoming increasingly aware of how unreliable the spoken language is, or how differently people interpret it, so it's becoming harder to ignore the possibility, that body language might be necessary as a backup of sorts. So, without meaning any disrespect, might I suggest a slight amendment to your otherwise thought provoking statement? for instance something a la: "No one should rely exclusively, or too heavily on body language for communication, whether NT or not"?
When family would visit and stay overnight or even longer is where I have had most issues. I always told them I need lots of rest and to not be offended when I need to go to my room and shut my door. I just fiqured if they were offended it was on them because I warned them ahead of time. I’m very sure family always thought that I was very odd. I was never officially diagnosed, but I self diagnosed a few years back taking the online tests. I’m 72, so I have had to mask for many many years, and it sucks out energy of which I don’t have much these days. I love this channel as I identifey and have learned so much. Thank you.
I figured out I am autistic just 2 years ago at 54 years old. (I am female) Growing up I had a terrible time with my mother. She always seemed to be so very negative towards me and we just clashed like oil and water. But since realizing I am autistic and knowing that autisim may be genetic, I began to analyze my mothers behavior much differently. Suddenly I understand her much better. Our relationship is much, much, improved.
I almost thought i'd made this response. Unfortunately i'vebeen estranged from family for nearly 8 years and my mental health isnt up for revisiting that yet. I'm glad your relationship has improved.
I relate to this so much. I’m 41 and have struggled with my mother so much. But looking at our past through this lens has changed my ideas about so many things. She was just trying to cope as well. Masking is so hard. She seemed to have all the energy for doing it with strangers and then just fell apart with her immediate family. She was afraid for me and wanted me to mask so I would be accepted. She was worried about what could happen if I didn’t. I have a lot more empathy for her. I would NEVER say the words adhd or autism to her though. She only just managed to accept a late diagnosis of dyslexia 😊
I started considering the idea a while ago (self-diagnosis) after my niece's diagnosis. For a few days now I have been remembering things from the past, from the perspective of "monotropism" (very interesting theory), and remembering things from a last relationship. At some point I began to feel that my ex was very upset about issues that I did not understand. Arguing, or just talking about everyday things, we would get to a point where it seemed like she was in another conversation, and I could only sense her discomfort back, without many clues as why she ended up so upset. On one occasion she told me how "not expressive" my face was. But I have always been very aware of other people's body language, too much maybe. All comes down to the fact that I have always been very aware of the language (verbal, written) but also the body language of others. But everything indicates that my own language is not "the same", or donpt fit well on the situation: if I am too literal, it often generates confusion; If I use a lot of metaphors, double readings, nobody understands much.
I got my diagnosis at 68, suddenly a lot of things made sense. Looking back now I think my mother was autistic too. She passed when I was 17 so no way to confirm anything. It’s pretty cool that there are so many of us that have experienced such similar challenges. Thanks Paul for your good work.
I don't know why that seems to be confusing for many people. If you go to a swimming pool, that doesn't mean you want to be in the water the entire time. Most activities don't have an expectation of constant engagement.
This video is so validating to me. I’ve been recently questioning a diagnosis of ASD. I have been trying to explain this exact experience to mental health professionals for YEARS and they tell me I have social anxiety or it’s normal not to know how to make conversation with people you don’t know or ignore what I said all together. I didn’t know how to explain to them so they understood that I have “No thoughts head empty just vibes.” I often can’t think of anything to say because I have to somehow bypass my brain having no thoughts and it makes me exhausted. It’s made me really struggle in social situations because I don’t know how to navigate it or what I was going through and people nitpick my behavior or call me names or just shy my entire life.
yes! so much this! I tend to zone out and not listen to conversations (even if the people involved think they involve me), my brain goes blank and then someone either wonders what I think about, or think I am cross (cross, standoffish, shy..). And I cannot think of anything to say, brain is off and it is so tiring inventing thoughts and trying to make sense while sortof waiting for the brain to restart and help out.
The idea of having no thoughts at all I find fascinating. I suspect I'm AuDHD and always have thoughts in my head even if asked and I reply 'nothing' - that's just a cover for the thoughts that were incoherent and hard to put into words, or socially inappropriate or off topic!
@@lynettejwhite My sister was actually just diagnosed with ADHD and her and I are very different in a lot of ways. I’m a perfectionist and love learning and quiet while she is just goofy and bubbly loves going out and doing things always. I’m constantly analyzing people and information so as a big sister I’m happy to help her when she needs information or advice. She also helps me feel comfortable in social situations and I have a stim/hand shake I do with her when I’m overstimulated.
I experience this all the time. Something about my lack of facial expressions and the way I say things (even online or texting) makes people think I'm angry or arguing, even when I am happy and trying to be friendly. Sometimes when I say something people find lots of other hidden meanings and accuse me of feeling/thinking various things that I did not think.
This issue is really important to me. That of not being able to be around people because I am not able to meet the conditions they have for being social - and it can be lots of things. I don't even call it masking. I just am not able to adjust to their codes. I've been disappointed and sometimes annoyed at how people assume that their own social codes are normative and non-negotiable while any request or desire to do things in a different way is somehow wrong. Why? If behavior isn't hurting anyone, why not consider different ways of doing things. Listening to your friends isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being a decent and open human. And I think the narrowness and lack of flexibility and understanding that people are different hurts everyone. Autism may have an official diagnosis, but people without autism are WAY more varied than is sometimes assumed.
In my case demands are the biggest turn off, whether they are explicitly formulated or not. What I need most of the time, is someone to be around not someone to talk with. But most people are afraid of silence and find it awkward (even offensive). They would complain about me being quiet and then complain about me not being socially correct as soon as I open my mouth. So I just avoid "normal people", their company is too exhausting for me. Their frustration and dramatic reactions to my flat affect tend to aggravate me. Not judging, it's just a plain fact ! They have every right to enjoy lively and emotional social interactions, but I just wish they wouldn't force me to join them. I'll stop here, because I could literally write a book on the subject... I do have a friend whom I managed to live with for some time. She was at home and we wouldn't talk, busy minding our own business, having a few genuine interactions, direct communication, blunt and to the point: PERFECT ! But again, not everyone is up for that... I'm being antisocial to avoid collateral damage and unnecessary drama.
My parents and teachers always accused me of being angry when I wasn't and of throwing "temper tantrums." Yes, I was throwing something akin to a tantrum but I wasn't angry and certainly grew up confused about what "angry." Meant. My dad's favorite thing to say to me was "control your temper." As if I was choosing such non-productive behavior INTENTIONALLY. Why would anyone say this? I grew up totally confused and as an adult ended up in a lot of situations I shouldn't have been in. It is only now, having dealt with this misconception incorrectly for 40 years, that thanks to channels like yours that these things are starting to make sense to me. I'm so excited to finally know what this is and be able to explain it to my family and friends! Another one I grew up with, that is less damaging and actually pretty funny, is I've always been incredibly blunt. My parents would always say I was being sarcastic. So i grew up thinking "sarcasm" meant something completely different than it actually does. It wasn't until I was in college and embarrassingly used the word incorrectly, that I found out what it meant!! 😂😂😂
I've had many experiences of being told I was feeling an emotion I wasn't - it's incredibly frustrating. As a child when it was adults doing it - parents and teachers particularly - it was a significant source of distress causing feelings of powerlessness and self-doubt. Or when I was having emotion having that ignored or being told it was irrational. It's better with loved ones now we all know I'm autistic. They do a lot less misinterpreting of my mood, or if they're not sure they just ask and then do actually believe me if I say I'm fine but just zoning out a bit or something like that. It's so much easier. I used to be called anti-social often. I was actually just overwhelmed and also protecting myself - because social situations were repeatedly difficult when I was young and genuinely threatening to safety/comfort/wellbeing. Why would I want to be in that? I find now that I have safe social groups I really enjoy being around people and even some of the sensory things are easier as I'm not scanning for or fearing threats. The other thing that might make me seem anti-social is that I'm highly empathetic. So being around others I tend to have a big response to anything they're feeling or going through and if I don't have the capacity for that I may want to tune people out or avoid them. I am Māori and I find that social situations are far, far easier in that context than the Pākehā/western side of things. I feel much safer, much more enabled, can make more connections and be quite social. There are lots of reasons for that difference but I find it really eye-opening to see just how big the difference is when social connection is reliably safe, caring, accepting.
That low energy state you are talking about... I call it the "Battery saving mode". I never thought about it as being calm, but I guess you might be right... I could call it being calm if I am alone, but with other people around they think I'm angry or depressed.
This is the exact difference that I keep trying to convince my family of when I miss another family dinner. It's not that I don't like them, it's not that I don't like being around them. I've just found that I'm at my best when I can run purely on instinct. When I'm hungry, I eat. That's not necessarily the case on Tuesday at 6 pm or on Friday at 6 pm. And today, maybe I'd rather eat something cold, like a salad, and not something cooked. Or I'd prefer to eat on the couch, while watching TV, instead of sitting at a table, with a need to engage in conversations. Yes, I'm getting more and more convinced I might be on the spectrum, as a late self-diagnosis. Thank you so much for the insights, and for presenting them in this very differentiated way, without ever going 'if you do x, you are y, come what may!' I really appreciate that.
Misinterpretation is a NIGHTmare for me! I'm regularly being told I'm a certain way when I know I'm not. I'm actually very self aware (which is something other people will acknowledge), but being told I'm in a bad mood when i'm actually in (chronic) pain is very frustrating.
ALWAYS. I get accused of being a snob, mad, sad, and other related terms. Of course there is always the jabs that there is something WRONG with you, if you are a quiet person or an introvert around many people, or you don't enjoy crowds, and large social gatherings. Large being a non-specific quantity, because it depends on the situation. In small groups of people I know, and feel comfortable around, I'm fine. Usually, my discomfort starts at about 5 or more people.
I was just diagnosed earlier this year, at 49, so my special interest is currently ASD! 😁 Thank you Paul for your take on body language not matching your inside feelings. I have always struggled with this, but never knew why. I am open about being autistic and have taught my friends and colleagues about spoon theory so we have a code if i am spent. Otherwise, i still mask very well. Much love to all.
"Low energy" is a great description. I'm not autistic, but have an autoimmune disease. I'm exhausted most of the time. Talking is exhausting. Thank you for an excellent video.
Holy crap! This was really helpful. I experience a lot of this and beat myself up for my behavior . No wonder I'm always exhausted and hating myself. Thanks for the illumination.
@ros8986 LoL! Not the person you were replying to, but when I'm too exhausted for communication, it's because I realized that I now LACK the ability to find the "right words that express gratitude", or gracefully bow out of a conversation, which makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable. That's the entire issue. If I were able to do that, then I wouldn't be to tired to talk. Do you understand? (And wow the "have some gratitude that some actually wants to talk to you..." is brutally tone deaf and condescending.)
@ros8986 Why am I in a social setting at all? Must be nice to think the world is that predictable. Thanks, but I don't need any advice from a person like yourself.
@ros8986 thanks for deleting your insensitive comment, one of them anyway Just because you're a NT doesn't mean that makes you an authority on how nuerodivergents should act in social situations.
@ros8986 The issue isn't knowing how to act in a social situation, it's the ABILITY to do so in that moment. And for someone who doesn't deal with that type of difficulty to confidently offer "advice" to people who do, is the definition of naive and misguided.
@ros8986 Ive told you the actual issue, now for the 3rd time, it's not about knowing what to say, it's the inability to find those words in the moment. I'm done with this conversation.
I am sure that someone has already brought this up, but nevertheless, it should be noted that "anti-social" is being used in this video as short hand for _asocial_ , not Antisocial Personality Disorder. Great video!
Yes. ASPD is also called sociopathy. It’s a big, scary personality disorder, NOT someone’s dislike for being social. But antisocial is not shorthand for asocial. Being asocial is a passive withdrawal from being social and being antisocial is active hostility towards others.
@@rochelle8124 This is correct technically, and I appreciate your response. As far as language goes, a lot of folks tend to conflate the two, and I'm just clarifying what the video meant to say.
This was always the main cause of arguments I had with partners, a complete misunderstanding of what I was feeling or expressing. Verbally or otherwise. It has been infuriating and extremely distressing for me. Being told (wrongly) what my words/ expression meant has also been used to gaslight me by narcissistic individuals. Horrible.
I used to rest my head down like that in school. The teacher would think I was sleeping and call on me. I would have the answer ready because I was listening. Thanks for these videos! It is helping me and I am hoping to find something that can help my 12 year old autistic son.
When you do have low energy and it becomes difficult to have a conversation, just excuse yourself because you are suppose to meet someone and go to a quiet place and “recharge”. That might be a very simplistic way to excuse yourself until “you can put some more gas in your tank”.
Yes, sometimes I need a sensory break and be alone, but sometimes just want to exist around people, no one looking at me or expecting something from me, just being there
"Low energy" is such a great term to use for autists to relay to allistics when we're tired. My partner who has ADHD but is very social taught me to use it to navigate my NT relationships. It's smth NTs use a lot to and can relate to in their own way in a positive way instead of being like, "did I offend you? why are you being so detatched?"
I can relate to this. Not long ago I was near having a breakdown so very limited energy. I couldn’t manage to add extra effort to socialising and masking at work, and it was taken as “Oh don’t joke with her when she is tired”. I also started educating people about the spoon theory just to try and explain why I might seem antisocial when I actually only have energy to exist and cannot be a full person society expects.
People ask me if I'm angry when I'm concentrating. I had a really positive experience the other day when I went to the doctor. The receptionist asked to see some cards that I have, and I showed her my autism awareness card as well, and said to her that if I go outside, it's because there may be a heightened sensory atmosphere in the waiting room (i.e. noisy kids) so I might go and sit under the capacious eaves of the building to calm down and come in just before I'm called. She said that she has an autistic brother, so she understood.
I remember saying in a conversion about psychology "Social settings are all learned behaviors, we watch/listen and from those experience we learn how to respond/behave". The mistake i made was that comment was from my experience. That how i learned to navigate social situations. I've only recently learned that most people just do that stuff naturally.
Thank you! I always cry listening to your videos, as what you say rings so true, and it's like I've carried a weight so long and can finally see what it is. I'm 65, self-identify w/ Asperger's (or whatever it's called now) for quite a few years now, and never even realized what I was doing all these 60 years, zapping me of all my energy when socially interacting, was masking, and when I come home and put that down, I need hours to recover, even if it is already way past my bedtime. I always just thought I was weird or something is 'wrong with me'. But No! I am normal, and that is such a relief, I am ASD normal. Maybe now with Medicare I can be diagnosed. Thanks again Paul for all you offer everyone out here, it is much appreciated.
Had not even thought of this, but yes, definitely, many instances of choosing to be alone rather than be with people because "people" at the moment was way too exhausting to accommodate. Thanks!
This resonates with me very stong. I'm not sure, But I think It was hardwired into my brain to overemphasize my pleasure in talking to people, (smile, nod, smile big, please, thank you, smile. smile, thank you.) to make sure they know that I'm happy, and I'm happy to see them, and I'm not mad, and I'm not mad at them, etc, etc. Yay, ECT. Even trying to break out of that as an adult, my mother had such a reaction when I didn't smile when I met her coming from a horrid flight. Now, I'm programed to smile all the time, and I'm trying really hard to reprogram that.
Im glad you pointed out that calling someone angry can in fact be manipulative and make someone angry People were calling me angry during my mental breakdown when i was actually just scared and frustrated and helpless. And completely overwhelmed
I was taught to mask by my mother who insisted I smile at all times no matter how I felt. It became a habit because I was rewarded by LACK of questions by people who assume you are fine as long as you are smiling. I took all emotional energy and put it into smiling. My Mom said I looked pretty if I smiled (suggestive that I wasnt pretty if I didn’t). If you smile, people talk to you so you don’t have to instigate conversation. If you smile, people assume you are interested and listening to them when really you aren’t but you don’t have to talk much. If you smile, you can say you have to go find (food, drink, fresh air, bathroom) whatever and walk away mid conversation to escape and nobody gets mad about it. If you smile a lot, people assume you are drink or stupid (silly girl) and don’t expect a lot of words which I can’t access when overstimulated like in large groups or over emotional (drowning in empathy). I believe my Mom was ADHD and on the spectrum like me…and she was teaching me what worked for her.
Never thought about it like that! Unfortunately, it’s very difficult for me to fake a smile. When I try to do it, I get a weird look or get asked “why are you smiling” 🤦🏽♀️ never looks natural on me, which is why i don’t feel comfortable doing it.
Super helpful. You asked about misunderstandings. Several years ago my best friend came over for our birthdays (3 days apart). My knees are trashed and so getting things ready had me really tired and sore on top of usual simulation things. We exchanged gifts and she gave me this lovely stained glass ornament. While she was talking I zoned out thinking about how much I liked it and where I would hang it to be able to enjoy it the most. I then carefully packed it back in the box so it wasn't broken before getting hung up. I apparently had the flat expression going on while this was happening. We finished our visit and I was delighted thinking what a lovely time we had. Next day I get a call blasting me about how I hated the gift and I always hate her gifts and generally freaking out on me. Flat face zone out did me in. I was about 6 - 9 months before things got sorted out.
i prefer using the term "a-social" over "anti-social". "anti-social" comes with a huge burden, stigma, by being easilly lumped together with anti-social personality disorder and psychopathy, which already happens way to often when media coverage of crimes uses "autism" as a label for anti-social/psychopathic behaviors. same goes for narcissism and autism...
It makes me really angry when I am accused of being anti-social! People need to learn to get this right… if someone avoids people or only spends time with certain people, that makes them asocial or selectively social, NOT anti-social! Anti-social is behaviour like vandalism or drunkenness, stuff that’s likely to get you in trouble with the cops! I would never DREAM of behaving like that and I am sick of people saying I’m anti-social. I am selectively social, and given the way I have been treated, that shouldn’t really be surprising! Also, surely bullying is anti-social behaviour? Therefore, I am the victim of anti-social treatment, I do not behave anti-socially!
Unless these issues are talked about so that autism is better understood, nothing will change. As a neurotypical person I feel it is essential that everyone understands and so that these behaviours become 'normal' - in my experience, people are mostly negative about things they don't understand. Thank you for helping to get this message across to everyone.
This hits me so F*ing hard. Had to pause the video at two minutes mark because I got my adrenaline pumping and hands shaking from anger from going back into my memories and basically one of the main reasons why none of my intimate relationships were working. But to clarify, that is not shift blame from me towards my ex-partners, because at that time I didn't have any idea of being autistic myself, so there was pretty much nothing either of us could have done to make the situation better.
This also happens because people can't mask as effectively when fatigued or overstimulated. E.g. I personally rarely have a flat affect or monotone when interacting with people because I know it can disrupt communication, often misconstrued etc. But when I'm tired, it's harder to do that. I wind up cutting interactions short or secluding myself to prevent misunderstandings
I'm from Japan and Thought i was antisocial but I may just hate masking around other people. Idk how i can be myself without masking at the moment because I keep staying in without real friends i can hang out with irl, yet It's an eyeopener for me nonetheless. Thank you for the insight. 😊❤
When people do that unintentional gaslighting I find allowing them to talk helps. A lot of basic phrases like "tell me about that" and "go on" combined with long silences giving them space to build their world of misunderstanding. Eventually they forget what they were projecting. It's hard to remember to do it sometimes, especially with more irritating button pushers. But it does often works.
People think I’m frowning when I’m actually concentrating. If they actually bothered to notice what I was doing when I looked like I was “frowning” it should be pretty obvious that I’m concentrating! Would it really kill them to make some effort towards me? They want people to make an effort towards them, so they should do the same in return, but they don’t ‘cause they’re all selfish and one-sided, and all the more reason why I feel better off on my own!
I've been burnt out since this summer and became depressed after a friend died a little less than a month ago. Seasonal depression is starting to kick in too.
For me the obstacle is generally the sensory issues/energy levels. Other than that I'm happy to talk. I'm too burnt out to maintain proper friendships but casual ones are just right (work mates etc)
Yes that is my usual way of being. But it would sure be nice to have a few friends to do things with sometimes. Oh well. Of course then you get ridiculed by family, and the odd friend you might make, because "you don't have any friends". Another sign that something is wrong with YOU. Then the "friend" disappears.
@@Do-U-Know-me00 If your family ridicules you for who you are, then they're a bunch of losers, who are making you into less than you could be. A family should support its own members - not weaken them.
Telling me that I am thinking or feeling anything that I am not is an excellent way to make me angry, especially if you keep insisting that your right after I've informed you that you are wrong.
Hi, I'm probably not autistic (French, diagnosis is hard to get here) but I'm likely some spice of neuro divergent and definitely suffer from C-PTSD. In actuality, it does look a lot like autism and I relate strongly to what you describe here. I always wondered if I'm actually an introvert or if I was taught to be and recently found exactly what you say. Some people are unsafe and I'd rather be alone. Some people are safe enough and I am interested to be around them but don't necessarily have the energy. In which case my go to phrase is "Sorry I'm not entirely awake atm but I'm listening to you". And with people who are really safe, I can close my eyes, rest my head, they'll respect that and I'll be back in the conversation very energetically a few minutes later. From all this, I've learned to protect myself from unsafe people and I don't hesitate to cut off completely from people I used to consider close to me, even (or especially should I say) family. I'm still not sure if people can't read my mood or if I can't read my own mood, I'm an emotional sponge with barely any awareness of what emotions are like (that's most likely due to poor mirroring when I was young) but I can "read" people in a way that shows and frightens them. Meaning I don't really listen to what they say with words but understand their motivations and respond to that. Which really doesn't seem autistic right ? I've been working on it all and it got better but it's very challenging and sometimes I wonder if I'm not in fact learning to mask better. As an aside, I think my situation explains why French psychiatry is so lame with these issues and still believes as Freud did that autism is the mother's fault. Autism, ADHD and C-PTSD overlap an awful lot. Anyways, thank you for your work, it helps a lot. 💚
I've found the research on 'executive dysfunction' really interesting and a key thread to the things you are mentioning. I think that some neurodivergent people are very good observers and highly sensitive people (HSP) and this helps with learning the rules of conversation explicitly rather than immersively and thus helps masking.
I continuously self monitor my body posture and facial expressions to ensure I convey a neutral or positive signal. To me, it's a real time strategy game requiring constant responses to my opponents actions.
That example of someone constantly telling you you're upset reminded me of school. I was in the office once telling someone about an issue I had with a student. I didn't want to miss the rest of class so I went to leave, but the person I was talking to insisted that I was upset and needed to cool off. Yes, I was moderately upset at that point, but the office was not a place I felt comfortable in and I wanted to leave. The more they insisted the more upset I got, which then proved her point. I just ended up leaving because it was becoming an incredibly uncomfortable situation for me. Just leave me alone! Edit: just realised that this isn't related to the video much, sorry
This was very helpful! By the way, perhaps because of my age, I've learned how not to "take on" the vibe someone is projecting on me. So I am more able now than ever before to resist, say, a situation where, as you hypothezised, someone keeps coming at you asking why you're so mad, when you're not. I know how to sigh, chuckle, see something like that as ridiculous as it is, and the person can ask me 100 times why I'm so "mad" (well, he can't really, because way before that I'll say, "Hey, talk to you later, I'm going to do other things now"), and I'll just look at it as somebody else "acting out" for incomprensibly silly reasons and it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. It's that distinction I've learned to make: what other people do or say is all about what's going on IN THEM and has NOTHING to do with what's going on IN ME. Not even when they need, for whatever reason drives them, to insist it's all about what's going on inside me (which is absurd because there's no way they can read the "inside" of me, so that's an absolute non-starter).
I really appreciate you sharing your experience since I completely relate to it! I also found this to be a solution: "what other people do or say is all about what's going on IN THEM and has NOTHING to do with what's going on IN ME." So well said!
The major thing I have done, the life-changing thing (well, one of a number of life-changing things) has been to exercise my prerogative, my own proper freedom and right, to manage my crowd/noise/hubbub/sensory-overload time. I cannot avoid all such situations, a certain degree of it is inescapable to my life and work. But, for one thing, I no longer castigate myself inwardly for not loving it (why, aren't we all supposed to LOVE a 'happening' social scene?), and for another I strategically guage my endurance of it, so that when I sense the limit approaching I make my exit. No apologies to anyone, because I'm doing what I have to, that's all. There comes a point where I could, as I've done a gazillion times before, go into "android-mode," a plastic shell doing the smiling, nodding, making vaguely responsive noises while screaming to be heard in the din, even as a myriad of noises and visual impressions pull and tear my consciousness in a million directions at once. But the only reason I did it a gazillion times before was, I thought it was like that for everybody, and if I was the only one who didn't love it, it meant there was something really wrong with me, almost morally so (misanthropic?). Now I know. So now I'm free. I'm no good to anybody in that state and there's simply no reason to carry out the charade. Just tell people, if you need to, what you're going through, don't leave it to hints or body language, but say it distinctly and unashamedly, and take the space, the exit, the break, the time-out, whatever you call it, that you need. That's what I've been teaching myself and practicing with life-changing results since my ASD discovery this spring.
Related to everything in this video so much. Having people misinterpret my body language is one of my biggest challenges in life. I used to wonder how people had the energy to make their faces take on expressions all of the time and how they didn't seem to find it as exhausting as I did. Turns out that apparently normal people don't have to force their faces to take on expressions, it normally just happens on its own! I really can't describe how exhausting it is to have to constantly explain to people how you're feeling, and how hurtful it is when they don't believe you (even though you are telling the truth). When it happens constantly, it gets to the point where it feels like no one really knows who you are. Or people will hate you for things that aren't even true. It's an agonizing experience for anyone.
I'm so glad I came across your channel, it is like finding the translation code for all of the problems I've had in my life in dealing with people, and translating it to self-compassionate actions to take instead of the usual "you're just not trying hard enough" bit many other mental health articles seem to imply or say outright
I tried to figure out how to give gentleness, friendship and safety to a person I met, I care about and thought we were becoming friends, for him to feel safe to communicate about his inner state. I wanted to understand his needs and heart in order to protect them. But it was a disaster. I noticed his autism & trauma long time ago, but wouldn't discuss that over texts and did not have a chance to tell him about mine & now we are in conflict & don't talk. ☹️ Communication is so hard, especially when is mostly in writing and not speaking with voice or in person.
I was diagnosed with ASD just this year. Love ur videos, but this one especially, because when i was younger, I thought i was doing something wrong when I misinterpreted what someone said or did. I was considered stuck up and uncaring and very annoying in general. But it goes both ways. Nobody is right all the time about everyone else, if at all. I make sure to tell my friends and acquaintances i am on the spectrum and to let me know if I am becoming hard to deal with{at least for them}. Such as saying things like, "turn down the volume i can hear u just fine." or "please let me finish speaking." There are people i avoid because they are not willing to be accepting or kind just because i have ASD. And if I need to be blunt or speak up now i do, because they can walk away if they want to, as can i. And often do. If they want to be difficult they can "dump" on someone else, as i like to call it. I don't have to be there. Masking does indeed drain me, and sometimes i get up and take a walk to cool down if possible. But that's just me. I must respect others no matter to case. Even if they are being unsympathetic, as it were.
I relate to everything you said and I like your terminology. Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled to explain or thought was impossible to explain to others.
Sometimes when I’m in a low energy state I give myself permission to let the talking all blur together so I can be more aware of people’s body language and comings and goings and my environment. It’s really nice. Even if my brain starts going, it doesn’t last long so it’s like meditation I feel.
I have the facial flat affect. I have been ask to smile more at one workplace. I only hate being around ppl that I know will deplete my energy vs giving energy. Strangers I can handle as I know I don’t have to interact with them long term. If the environment is loud, I cant stay. Demands of others can send me into overwhelm and then response paralysis especially if they have a demand that needs a quick response and they are being overbearing. People in authoritative positions are like this especially when they don’t consider your mental/emotional state. Managers, Doctors, anyone your senior on a job can potentially behave this way.
1:50 - I'd agree fully. And I wouldn't fault someone who doesn't get autism/aspergers either. It's really just the people close to us who get who we are, and qualified professionals. It gets exhausting.
I can relate to what you are saying. I find it difficult to discern which state I am in. I also live with chronic pain so that makes socializing a challenge at the best of times.
I have always thought i was just introverted and reserved. INFJ as a personality type. Revealing that helped me understand myself better but it seems alot of these traits are similar to autistic traits in fact maybe completing the picture. It would be useful to compare personality types and autism
Thank you Paul for these distinctions (again). Your distinctions clarify how i often feel, and not peopleing BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO MASK is definitely my thing. And yes, for many decades i've said i dont like people, for this reason, though for decades i've been unaware of the reason.
Really relate to this! I think, having been misinterpreted so much, I go to a lot of effort to try not to get misinterpreted (which means things like avoiding social situations if I don't have the energy to mask/perform and/or be able to justify or explain myself, over-exaggerating facial or vocal expressions, feeling the need to over-explain etc). I also know, sometimes, when I get misinterpreted, I don't have the confidence to say so, and I start questioning myself (maybe they're right? Maybe I thought I wanted 'this' but actually I wanted something else? Maybe I really am depressed when I thought I was just relaxed & peaceful? etc) - while it's ok to sometimes check your subconscious, the danger of this is it can lead to gaslighting, ruminating, negative thought spirals, being vulnerable to manipulation, and a confused sense of self.. Understanding that sometimes my external expression is perceived differently to how I feel on the inside has been huge. The mission is now shifting from constantly questioning myself and having others dictate my reality, to developing better self-awareness, and finding better ways of communicating around others.. E.g. I bought a Social Battery Pin Badge recently - where one can slide the battery level up and down, to show people how much energy I have for engaging & interacting, without having to speak. I just point to my badge :) . This seems a really good way of simply indicating why I might be a bit more reserved, not speak, need to stim more etc. It also helps me to self-advocate and stop myself from masking, because if I have low energy, I can present this as a fact, without feeling I have to compensate. (It does sort of rely on people understanding the concept of a 'social battery' - but this can also be a talking point if I feel up to it!) Being around other autistic people DOES seem different because they are more likely to correctly interpret my authentic expressions (e.g. stimming, looking away, verbal processing etc..) and understand my need for alone/recharge time. It is definitely easier without the expectation to mask. On the other hand, I have found I need to be more aware of things like Rejection Sensitivity, and I also struggle with being direct sometimes, which is unusual for an autistic person and can cause miscommunications.. Anyway, it's all working progress! Making these distinctions has been really helpful. I need a pin badge for each of them, haha..
Long time watcher, first time commenter. I am astounded on every single one of your videos just how similar our "brand" or "flavor" of autism is - I show your videos off a lot because almost everything you say is a perfect explanation of how I am! Very often when I am in groups I find myself closing my eyes and have been very confused as to why I keep being asked if I need to lay down or use the guest bedroom because I'm not really tired and I don't want to leave the conversation, and this explains it so much. Plus I too am very often told that I'm "obviously upset" or that it "doesn't seem like I'm convinced" of something or "don't seem excited". But I do have a flat affect except around people I know incredibly well. So giving some thought to your questions I think, it's that I hate masking around people more than I hate people as a whole, because good and safe people do lift me up and energize me to some extent (just not much, since I'm an introvert). That being said...when I have to fully mask around someone, all the time, I certainly do end up hating that individual, or at the very least hate spending time with them, and that's like 90% of people I know. I have not really found any safe or accepting spaces. The only person I can fully unmask around is my husband, and semi-unmasked is as good as I get anywhere else.
I get told I look angry at work, and I laugh it off, apologise and say no I'm just tired. I've tried to mask it but it just makes it worse and it's frustrating always being asked if I'm ok like a reminder that something I'm doing is wrong. Thank you so much for this resource it's incredibly validating and helpful.
I absolutely grok the distinction between wanting to be alone just to be alone and wanting to be alone because I'm not around accepting people. It explains why I'm much more social now that I'm an adult and choosing my own communities and friends (rather than having to do with what geography and/or my parents could provide as a child).
Nicely outlined! I also wanted to note becoming more conscious of these misunderstandings doesn't necessarily make things better lol :S Not everyone is capable of meeting these expectations, esp. when you have other underlying conditions and that's okay, too. Sometimes ppl's expectations aren't always very realistic. Everyone talks about mental health nowadays but still don't always apply that concept to these real life contexts.
Two things stand out for me in this video - definition of low energy, and you feel relaxed. I NEVER feel relaxed. Genuinely. I have watched others experience it and I have no idea how to get there. And low energy for me is super stressful. So many things need to be done and I can't accomplish them as I am so tired. Now, maybe I am mixing up tired and low energy, but I'm not sure how they can be separated. And not sure why I say 'tired' when I mean exhausted. I suspect that I have been burnt out for a number of years now, and can't take the time to get past it. I can take to my bed for weeks, being awake only a few hours and trying to do life stuff, like eating, and during that time so many things build up like washing dishes and clothes (no self-care happens most of the time but definitely not during these phases). Sorry I think I have gone off on a tangent. The point I'm trying to make (I think!) is that I am constantly chasing my tail, NEVER relax, and low energy is frustrating for me. It's not depression as I've been there, it's just a total inability to do anything. And I do really truthfully dislike people and social interactions. They drain me beyond belief. And the idea of being in a group of people - even autistic people - is a full on 100% no from me. All that aside lol, thanks for the video 👍
The state you've named "Low Energy" resonates as still, quiet, and spacious for me. Advaita Vedanta comes to mind. Love this topic and video. Totally relate to the experience of taking breaks in safe spaces. I find it very nourishing, very regulating.
The distinction of wanting to be alone because it’s not safe to be myself vs wanting to be alone because I’m communing w myself or nature or the muse or my work, vs needing to shut down rest and reset is very important for me to check in w myself. Thanks for elegant articulation of that. I have a wide circle of friends where neuro or social diversity is accepted to a point. It has been a revelation to me to realize that they like being accepted/accepting within the subculture’s alternative social structure but there are still norms that are being enforced that my authentic self doesn’t find natural or even worthwhile or valid. My being clear what that’s about and not inferring because people are counter culture (artists and musicians and activists etc) they can handle me going into a monolog about something I’m fascinated educated and passionate about, helps me participate and have realistic expectations of what others can be comfortable w. I’m uncomfortable w lying, dominating and grandstanding. They are uncomfortable w truth, equality and observing. Love and affinity are the bridge. If I don’t have my bridge building chops ready to hand it’s not a good moment to participate w anyone who isn’t also concerning themselves w building a bridge to me in how we relate to one another. I had a bad bridge is out experience yesterday w a friend of over 40 years who is part of a group I spend Sundays w at my favorite swimming hole. I’m still hurting from the misunderstanding and at the same time- what I said was valid. I had a right to say it and she had a right to see it differently and to feel annoyed and upset w my perspective abd my introduction of an uncomfortable topic. It was involving someone from the group not being welcome from my perspective due to his assaulting me years ago. I confronted the friend who gives this other guy who stare stalks me all around the swimming hole a ride asking why he feels the need to bring this man around when other women besides me have also complained about him stare stalking them as well. since the ride giver is also my friend of years I couldn’t understand why he would go out if his way to bring such a person proximal to me on my only social outing per week as a mostly homebound person (sensory issues and Covid risk mgmt w immune issues makes indoor anything v inaccessible to me) Apparently the subculture says everyone is welcome and I have no right to complain about the impact to me. I guess I need to find a new swimming hole. My friend of 30 years needs to decide if she can accept my “failings” as much as she is willing to accept this stalker who SA ‘d me under the water years ago. And I get to decide what level of basic decency threshold I require to participate in social situations. It’s not the end of the world to let go of a friend who I can’t trust to have my back about something so important but I hope I can find a way to accept her perspective and for her to accept mine. Her husband understood my view so hopefully he can help build a bridge. I think she can’t bear for me to advocate for excluding someone else, even when their behavior is anti social, threatening, and in one instance I have direct knowledge of, against the law and deeply immoral and a harmful risk to all women who frequent our swimming holes.
What you call low energy, I recognize that state and can relate. It does make some people nervous, and misinterpret my mood as angey or unhappy. I describe it to others as, "Enjoying emptiness", "Just chillin' ", "Chillaxed" (a portmanteau of relax and chill) or "Enjoying myself by being quiet" or to those who really know me "Quaffing Silence". These terms help some people understand that I'm not unhappy or angry, I just need a moment to just be.
My partner and I just had this argument on Christmas day. After masking all day, and just needing quiet, they accused me of being angry until I was. I couldn't articulate any of this at the time. Thanks for putting it into words.
Yes!!!! I've always got a little, to a lot of nervous energy...my fidgety or seemingly anxious behavior...can come across as me not liking someone...or being agitated/upset. I'm hyper sensitive to other people's body language, and have misinterpreted people before, because they seemed uninterested or not engaged. Thank you for this video, because I'm definitely misreading people's, especially other nuerodivergent people's, body language! I've been told that I can give off a flirty vibe, with my body language... or completely disinterested/unapproachable bx...completely unintentionally. 😅🤦♀️😂
You brought up some really great points here Paul! I remember struggling a lot during my childhood where I would spend a lot of time alone and doing my own thing, but my brother would constantly berate me and accuse me of being "anti-social" and I HATED it! I just never had the words to be able to describe my situation and I wish I had this video to show him 20-something years ago... I CRAVED social interaction, but only the right types of interactions. Additionally, I quickly became overstimulated and needed to retreat afterwards to recharge. It wasn't until much later that I discovered the difference between anti-social and asocial. Being anti-social is a personality disorder, being asocial describes a preference to be alone. Most social situations were too stressful for me, but being in groups of close friends where I didn't need to mask was more of a recharge than a drain to my energy level!
Wow, that really struck a chord with me! I've heard so many comments about me or to me, that I (almost) started to believe I was grumpy, emotionless etc. Even after my diagnosis at 51 (almost 8 years ago now) it took me some time to realise that was not true at all.
Thanks for this - having problems at work with this - very tiring job & at lunchtimes I read as it relaxed me - if I 'socialised' all lunchtime I know from experience I would end up tensed-up & overstimulated, & not ready for the afternoon, & this would be cumulative over the week/ weeks. I worry constantly about how people perceive this, especially as I don't feel able to tell them why, as I'm self diagnosed. I get really nervous too around others when there's a 'too-long' silence because I feel they blame me for it.
I completely understand and agree with you! I learned in therapy that it’s not my responsibility to carry a conversation if it goes quiet, the other person can say something if they want to etc etc. And I feel less on edge about that now, but it depends on the person and situation, I guess. I also love to read or listen to podcasts/music & walk around during my lunch breaks to recharge. This has been in issue in previous jobs, but not so much in my current one. People think I’m private, I think. Hopefully not rude 😬
@ros8986 bless you for being a well balanced person. Most people feel slighted when you don't respond in a way they expect. Very few people allow you to just read.
the problem is my parents get pissed at me when im in a low mood cause im “not treating them with the utmost respect” like they should come before my own basic needs.
Interesting. I’m NT and my gf is ASD. One of our most common reasons for having a fight is HER telling me that I’m angry when I’m not. She will keep repeating it until I get angry. So indeed super annoying regardless of who does it. I wish I knew how to make her stop but I’m just not able to. Thank you for your informative videos
Yep, totally relate to that distinction! When I don't feel I can adjust to what I need in a social situation and it's become exhausting or overwhelming, I'd rather retreat and be alone. But, sometimes just meeting with a safe/close/easy friend where I can relax and adjust as needed immediately after the draining experience is enough to reverse that overwhelm or exhaustion, which supports your idea and distinction. I had realized the energy part, but I hadn't quite thought of it in the way you described. It's very helpful!
We should consider intentionally creating our own dialect, which we are already doing unofficially. Allistic words don't fit us, and visa versa. I'm verbally oriented, and I have a large vocabulary but frequently I can't find the right word because it does not exist. BTW: I also have three encyclopedic dictionaries. Beyond those is specialty jargon, which most people won't know.
For me a situation full of people wanting to be loud together is just too much stimulus. For this reason, I as a child would seek a quiet space (my bedroom upstairs) while my 5 brothers were bursting through doorways and circulating around the downstairs rooms. My mother would require me to come downstairs "to be part of the family." Classic my-life example of the dynamic between wanting simple comfort and being required to mask in a way prescribed by my mom.
I was diagnosed last July at 45yo and this trait is a large part of why I began to consider I was autistic. All my life I have heard thing like I thought you were a jerk (this is the nice way to put it) but then I got to know you and you are really funny. Or I can't read you. And of course there is the are you OK, you seem upset. When I dove into learning about autism (thank you Paul), it explained so many of the experiences i had all my life. A few times in the last year when getting to know someone, this has come up and I tell them that what is expresses on the outside is nothing like what is going on on inside. I have thought back on my relationships that ended poorly and have kind of realized that most they time they misinterpreted or couldn't read my body language, so they "made up a story" about me. But then I didn't follow the narrative of that store and the relationship fell apart. Has anyone else have had this in there life?
The low energy state you describe resonates with me a lot. It takes me a while after waking up before I'm able to talk to people. If someone talks to me straight away after I get up it annoys me that I have to respond, even though they're saying something nice. I just need some time to become a person, to initiate all the communication protocols and layers in my brain. I need to engage the part of my brain that looks up standard responses to small talk and do it without looking annoyed that they've interrupted my calm, peaceful internal state that I was enjoying being in. I have heavy inertia between states and it sometimes takes me a while to get my brain in the mode for talking to people, especially people who are full energy, it's like having a flashlight shone in your eyes - my immediate reaction is to want to close my eyes and get away from what's disrupting my calm comfortable state. I also get into that state after too much socialisation, like if I've been around lots of people. It then becomes very bad if I encounter one of those people on the way home or something (e.g. on public transport), because I probably switched my brain off as soon as I was out of the social situation and was recharging, to then have to stop recharging and reboot "normal person" mode is a huge effort and annoying, and I usually won't be very good at it because I've still got one foot in the quiet inner contemplation zone so I'll not be very responsive.
Having to mask around people who don't know me is so exhausting.
100%
Yes, which is pretty much everyone everywhere - work is special circle of hell as I must spend so much time over there, which I don't want to, and constantly interacting with people there who don't know private me & constantly overload with small talk and superficial, meaningless conversations that always take me off guard, even though I know it's coming! I don't understand why people can't just be in silence & if we talk it to be something actually meaningful or important.
I actually find it hardest to be around my family. I don’t mask at work so much because I don’t give af about the job or my coworkers but I do care about what my family thinks and I mask around them
I like that distinction between "wanting to be alone because I want to be alone" and "wanting to be alone because masking is exhausting" . For me, unmasking means a generally blank face and flat affect, and I know that puts people off.
He explains this so well.
Thank you so much for that video. It helped me understand much more about my behavior!
Some people tell me what my mood is based on the behavior they have just witnessed, often with knowing so little about me. When I was younger I tended to believe them without question.
true, as kids we just believe what people say about us
Work on your confidence, they said......
One of the things I'm still learning to untangle is how I feel vs what other people push onto me. When you've done it all your life, just accepted what someone else put onto you, it can be hard to sort.
I can relate to this. I think its led to a lot of inner confusion about how i feel. As a younger person i was told to stop being angry, i was aggressive etc ..... and i know now on the inside i wasnt. I've learnt over time i have some kind of "resting bitch face" when i'm in thought, puzzling things out, confused etc (and also when i'm not thinking about how i look, which is a lot). The feedback assuming how i was feeling became internalised to an extent that i assumed i wasnt a nice person. That has impacted friendships and relationships for decades. 😢 Now i'm learning how to recognise my internal states, identify them, and refusing other peoples assumptions.
@@barbarawalker7122Have you ever heard of alexythemia?
You're absolutely right. That complicated message simply can't be conveyed with body language. I'm learning how to to "self-advocate" now, and it especially helps that more people in my personal world know about my ASD. I have greater freedom now to just say it: "You know, my mind is so fried right now, I can barely maintain twenty seconds of focus. I really want to talk with you, but now is a horrible time for me to try to do it meaningfully, do you mind?"
❤
@ros8986Body language is complex.
I think body language that can be paired with a word (like pointing to something while saying "that") is good body language, while something like crossing your arms and frowning is bad body language. One accentuates the meaning behind a vague word, the other provides nothing but a nonverbal mood indicator.
@ros8986you would be surprised how much the human mind interprets from body language - we were originally visual and auditory communicators... Before we learnt to speak.
I also don't think people are communicating well anymore ... I mean NT people. More people are going through the phone and text, and a lot of people don't really watch and listen to others. At least from what I've seen.
It also doesn't help when you have people reading about body language then assuming it's the same for everyone. That's like saying you can read random ppl's tell tale signs that they are lying. Sure there's common signs but every person is different, how they think, how they act or react, so yeah, their tell tale signs will be different.
For instance my old manager at my last work place was really bad towards me but I had no clue lol. It took someone else to point it out to me... And if course looking back everything was coz of my ADHD and ASD. Woo. Lol.
But what I'm getting at is that other people had no clue either or didn't care enough to really pay attention or they didn't really listen. I'd barely known this person who was new at work but as they worked right near my department, she was often around and hearing when he was "laughingly" or "light heartedly" abusing me.
That same manager also read the body language stuff in a book and he concluded I was never interested all the time as I often had my arms crossed. I was surprised and said "I'm always cold or I don't know what to do with my arms or hands, so it's my default position.... Does the body language book mention it could be different with certain people? You know... Maybe there's different ways to interpret the body language if that person does things differently??"
Yeah he had no answer for that lol.
But yeah it is complex to understand. Whenever my partner can't tell if I'm angry or upset or not . I tell him that I will tell him if I'm upset with him or upset about something.
But I guess it is hard to read people if you are used to how ppl act and then you come across people that are hard to tell or understand.. makes sense. I guess lol
Eh. I don't wanna be degraded.
@ros8986 I'm tempted to agree, but I am becoming increasingly aware of how unreliable the spoken language is, or how differently people interpret it, so it's becoming harder to ignore the possibility, that body language might be necessary as a backup of sorts.
So, without meaning any disrespect, might I suggest a slight amendment to your otherwise thought provoking statement? for instance something a la: "No one should rely exclusively, or too heavily on body language for communication, whether NT or not"?
When family would visit and stay overnight or even longer is where I have had most issues. I always told them I need lots of rest and to not be offended when I need to go to my room and shut my door. I just fiqured if they were offended it was on them because I warned them ahead of time.
I’m very sure family always thought that I was very odd. I was never officially diagnosed, but I self diagnosed a few years back taking the online tests. I’m 72, so I have had to mask for many many years, and it sucks out energy of which I don’t have much these days.
I love this channel as I identifey and have learned so much.
Thank you.
I figured out I am autistic just 2 years ago at 54 years old. (I am female) Growing up I had a terrible time with my mother. She always seemed to be so very negative towards me and we just clashed like oil and water. But since realizing I am autistic and knowing that autisim may be genetic, I began to analyze my mothers behavior much differently. Suddenly I understand her much better. Our relationship is much, much, improved.
I almost thought i'd made this response. Unfortunately i'vebeen estranged from family for nearly 8 years and my mental health isnt up for revisiting that yet. I'm glad your relationship has improved.
I relate to this so much. I’m 41 and have struggled with my mother so much. But looking at our past through this lens has changed my ideas about so many things. She was just trying to cope as well. Masking is so hard. She seemed to have all the energy for doing it with strangers and then just fell apart with her immediate family. She was afraid for me and wanted me to mask so I would be accepted. She was worried about what could happen if I didn’t. I have a lot more empathy for her. I would NEVER say the words adhd or autism to her though. She only just managed to accept a late diagnosis of dyslexia 😊
I started considering the idea a while ago (self-diagnosis) after my niece's diagnosis. For a few days now I have been remembering things from the past, from the perspective of "monotropism" (very interesting theory), and remembering things from a last relationship. At some point I began to feel that my ex was very upset about issues that I did not understand. Arguing, or just talking about everyday things, we would get to a point where it seemed like she was in another conversation, and I could only sense her discomfort back, without many clues as why she ended up so upset. On one occasion she told me how "not expressive" my face was. But I have always been very aware of other people's body language, too much maybe.
All comes down to the fact that I have always been very aware of the language (verbal, written) but also the body language of others. But everything indicates that my own language is not "the same", or donpt fit well on the situation: if I am too literal, it often generates confusion; If I use a lot of metaphors, double readings, nobody understands much.
I got my diagnosis at 68, suddenly a lot of things made sense. Looking back now I think my mother was autistic too. She passed when I was 17 so no way to confirm anything. It’s pretty cool that there are so many of us that have experienced such similar challenges. Thanks Paul for your good work.
Sometimes it's nice to be around people without having to perform.
I don't know why that seems to be confusing for many people. If you go to a swimming pool, that doesn't mean you want to be in the water the entire time. Most activities don't have an expectation of constant engagement.
This video is so validating to me. I’ve been recently questioning a diagnosis of ASD. I have been trying to explain this exact experience to mental health professionals for YEARS and they tell me I have social anxiety or it’s normal not to know how to make conversation with people you don’t know or ignore what I said all together. I didn’t know how to explain to them so they understood that I have “No thoughts head empty just vibes.” I often can’t think of anything to say because I have to somehow bypass my brain having no thoughts and it makes me exhausted. It’s made me really struggle in social situations because I don’t know how to navigate it or what I was going through and people nitpick my behavior or call me names or just shy my entire life.
My experience is very similar to yours. Thank you for sharing!
yes! so much this! I tend to zone out and not listen to conversations (even if the people involved think they involve me), my brain goes blank and then someone either wonders what I think about, or think I am cross (cross, standoffish, shy..). And I cannot think of anything to say, brain is off and it is so tiring inventing thoughts and trying to make sense while sortof waiting for the brain to restart and help out.
Yeah getting nitpicked destroys us by the time we reach adulthood. It sucks.
The idea of having no thoughts at all I find fascinating. I suspect I'm AuDHD and always have thoughts in my head even if asked and I reply 'nothing' - that's just a cover for the thoughts that were incoherent and hard to put into words, or socially inappropriate or off topic!
@@lynettejwhite My sister was actually just diagnosed with ADHD and her and I are very different in a lot of ways. I’m a perfectionist and love learning and quiet while she is just goofy and bubbly loves going out and doing things always. I’m constantly analyzing people and information so as a big sister I’m happy to help her when she needs information or advice. She also helps me feel comfortable in social situations and I have a stim/hand shake I do with her when I’m overstimulated.
I experience this all the time. Something about my lack of facial expressions and the way I say things (even online or texting) makes people think I'm angry or arguing, even when I am happy and trying to be friendly. Sometimes when I say something people find lots of other hidden meanings and accuse me of feeling/thinking various things that I did not think.
Yeah, very much enjoying the quiet relaxed state and not wanting to turn it into something else with tension.
This issue is really important to me. That of not being able to be around people because I am not able to meet the conditions they have for being social - and it can be lots of things. I don't even call it masking. I just am not able to adjust to their codes. I've been disappointed and sometimes annoyed at how people assume that their own social codes are normative and non-negotiable while any request or desire to do things in a different way is somehow wrong. Why? If behavior isn't hurting anyone, why not consider different ways of doing things. Listening to your friends isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being a decent and open human. And I think the narrowness and lack of flexibility and understanding that people are different hurts everyone. Autism may have an official diagnosis, but people without autism are WAY more varied than is sometimes assumed.
❤
In my case demands are the biggest turn off, whether they are explicitly formulated or not. What I need most of the time, is someone to be around not someone to talk with. But most people are afraid of silence and find it awkward (even offensive). They would complain about me being quiet and then complain about me not being socially correct as soon as I open my mouth. So I just avoid "normal people", their company is too exhausting for me. Their frustration and dramatic reactions to my flat affect tend to aggravate me. Not judging, it's just a plain fact ! They have every right to enjoy lively and emotional social interactions, but I just wish they wouldn't force me to join them. I'll stop here, because I could literally write a book on the subject...
I do have a friend whom I managed to live with for some time. She was at home and we wouldn't talk, busy minding our own business, having a few genuine interactions, direct communication, blunt and to the point: PERFECT !
But again, not everyone is up for that... I'm being antisocial to avoid collateral damage and unnecessary drama.
My parents and teachers always accused me of being angry when I wasn't and of throwing "temper tantrums." Yes, I was throwing something akin to a tantrum but I wasn't angry and certainly grew up confused about what "angry." Meant. My dad's favorite thing to say to me was "control your temper." As if I was choosing such non-productive behavior INTENTIONALLY. Why would anyone say this? I grew up totally confused and as an adult ended up in a lot of situations I shouldn't have been in.
It is only now, having dealt with this misconception incorrectly for 40 years, that thanks to channels like yours that these things are starting to make sense to me. I'm so excited to finally know what this is and be able to explain it to my family and friends!
Another one I grew up with, that is less damaging and actually pretty funny, is I've always been incredibly blunt. My parents would always say I was being sarcastic. So i grew up thinking "sarcasm" meant something completely different than it actually does. It wasn't until I was in college and embarrassingly used the word incorrectly, that I found out what it meant!! 😂😂😂
I've had many experiences of being told I was feeling an emotion I wasn't - it's incredibly frustrating. As a child when it was adults doing it - parents and teachers particularly - it was a significant source of distress causing feelings of powerlessness and self-doubt. Or when I was having emotion having that ignored or being told it was irrational.
It's better with loved ones now we all know I'm autistic. They do a lot less misinterpreting of my mood, or if they're not sure they just ask and then do actually believe me if I say I'm fine but just zoning out a bit or something like that. It's so much easier.
I used to be called anti-social often. I was actually just overwhelmed and also protecting myself - because social situations were repeatedly difficult when I was young and genuinely threatening to safety/comfort/wellbeing. Why would I want to be in that? I find now that I have safe social groups I really enjoy being around people and even some of the sensory things are easier as I'm not scanning for or fearing threats.
The other thing that might make me seem anti-social is that I'm highly empathetic. So being around others I tend to have a big response to anything they're feeling or going through and if I don't have the capacity for that I may want to tune people out or avoid them.
I am Māori and I find that social situations are far, far easier in that context than the Pākehā/western side of things. I feel much safer, much more enabled, can make more connections and be quite social. There are lots of reasons for that difference but I find it really eye-opening to see just how big the difference is when social connection is reliably safe, caring, accepting.
That low energy state you are talking about... I call it the "Battery saving mode". I never thought about it as being calm, but I guess you might be right... I could call it being calm if I am alone, but with other people around they think I'm angry or depressed.
This is the exact difference that I keep trying to convince my family of when I miss another family dinner. It's not that I don't like them, it's not that I don't like being around them. I've just found that I'm at my best when I can run purely on instinct. When I'm hungry, I eat. That's not necessarily the case on Tuesday at 6 pm or on Friday at 6 pm. And today, maybe I'd rather eat something cold, like a salad, and not something cooked. Or I'd prefer to eat on the couch, while watching TV, instead of sitting at a table, with a need to engage in conversations. Yes, I'm getting more and more convinced I might be on the spectrum, as a late self-diagnosis. Thank you so much for the insights, and for presenting them in this very differentiated way, without ever going 'if you do x, you are y, come what may!' I really appreciate that.
Misinterpretation is a NIGHTmare for me! I'm regularly being told I'm a certain way when I know I'm not. I'm actually very self aware (which is something other people will acknowledge), but being told I'm in a bad mood when i'm actually in (chronic) pain is very frustrating.
ALWAYS. I get accused of being a snob, mad, sad, and other related terms. Of course there is always the jabs that there is something WRONG with you, if you are a quiet person or an introvert around many people, or you don't enjoy crowds, and large social gatherings. Large being a non-specific quantity, because it depends on the situation. In small groups of people I know, and feel comfortable around, I'm fine. Usually, my discomfort starts at about 5 or more people.
I was just diagnosed earlier this year, at 49, so my special interest is currently ASD! 😁 Thank you Paul for your take on body language not matching your inside feelings. I have always struggled with this, but never knew why. I am open about being autistic and have taught my friends and colleagues about spoon theory so we have a code if i am spent. Otherwise, i still mask very well. Much love to all.
How did u get diagnosed? Was it difficult?
"Low energy" is a great description. I'm not autistic, but have an autoimmune disease. I'm exhausted most of the time. Talking is exhausting. Thank you for an excellent video.
Holy crap! This was really helpful. I experience a lot of this and beat myself up for my behavior . No wonder I'm always exhausted and hating myself. Thanks for the illumination.
@ros8986 LoL! Not the person you were replying to, but when I'm too exhausted for communication, it's because I realized that I now LACK the ability to find the "right words that express gratitude", or gracefully bow out of a conversation, which makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
That's the entire issue. If I were able to do that, then I wouldn't be to tired to talk.
Do you understand?
(And wow the "have some gratitude that some actually wants to talk to you..." is brutally tone deaf and condescending.)
@ros8986 Why am I in a social setting at all?
Must be nice to think the world is that predictable. Thanks, but I don't need any advice from a person like yourself.
@ros8986 thanks for deleting your insensitive comment, one of them anyway
Just because you're a NT doesn't mean that makes you an authority on how nuerodivergents should act in social situations.
@ros8986 The issue isn't knowing how to act in a social situation, it's the ABILITY to do so in that moment.
And for someone who doesn't deal with that type of difficulty to confidently offer "advice" to people who do, is the definition of naive and misguided.
@ros8986 Ive told you the actual issue, now for the 3rd time, it's not about knowing what to say, it's the inability to find those words in the moment.
I'm done with this conversation.
I am sure that someone has already brought this up, but nevertheless, it should be noted that "anti-social" is being used in this video as short hand for _asocial_ , not Antisocial Personality Disorder. Great video!
Yes. ASPD is also called sociopathy. It’s a big, scary personality disorder, NOT someone’s dislike for being social. But antisocial is not shorthand for asocial. Being asocial is a passive withdrawal from being social and being antisocial is active hostility towards others.
@@rochelle8124 This is correct technically, and I appreciate your response. As far as language goes, a lot of folks tend to conflate the two, and I'm just clarifying what the video meant to say.
This was always the main cause of arguments I had with partners, a complete misunderstanding of what I was feeling or expressing. Verbally or otherwise. It has been infuriating and extremely distressing for me.
Being told (wrongly) what my words/ expression meant has also been used to gaslight me by narcissistic individuals. Horrible.
Hmm, very good point about wanting to be alone, vs wanting to be around a welcoming/understanding group
I used to rest my head down like that in school. The teacher would think I was sleeping and call on me. I would have the answer ready because I was listening. Thanks for these videos! It is helping me and I am hoping to find something that can help my 12 year old autistic son.
When you do have low energy and it becomes difficult to have a conversation, just excuse yourself because you are suppose to meet someone and go to a quiet place and “recharge”. That might be a very simplistic way to excuse yourself until “you can put some more gas in your tank”.
Yes, sometimes I need a sensory break and be alone, but sometimes just want to exist around people, no one looking at me or expecting something from me, just being there
"Low energy" is such a great term to use for autists to relay to allistics when we're tired. My partner who has ADHD but is very social taught me to use it to navigate my NT relationships. It's smth NTs use a lot to and can relate to in their own way in a positive way instead of being like, "did I offend you? why are you being so detatched?"
I can relate to this. Not long ago I was near having a breakdown so very limited energy. I couldn’t manage to add extra effort to socialising and masking at work, and it was taken as “Oh don’t joke with her when she is tired”.
I also started educating people about the spoon theory just to try and explain why I might seem antisocial when I actually only have energy to exist and cannot be a full person society expects.
People ask me if I'm angry when I'm concentrating. I had a really positive experience the other day when I went to the doctor. The receptionist asked to see some cards that I have, and I showed her my autism awareness card as well, and said to her that if I go outside, it's because there may be a heightened sensory atmosphere in the waiting room (i.e. noisy kids) so I might go and sit under the capacious eaves of the building to calm down and come in just before I'm called. She said that she has an autistic brother, so she understood.
I remember saying in a conversion about psychology "Social settings are all learned behaviors, we watch/listen and from those experience we learn how to respond/behave". The mistake i made was that comment was from my experience. That how i learned to navigate social situations. I've only recently learned that most people just do that stuff naturally.
Thank you! I always cry listening to your videos, as what you say rings so true, and it's like I've carried a weight so long and can finally see what it is. I'm 65, self-identify w/ Asperger's (or whatever it's called now) for quite a few years now, and never even realized what I was doing all these 60 years, zapping me of all my energy when socially interacting, was masking, and when I come home and put that down, I need hours to recover, even if it is already way past my bedtime. I always just thought I was weird or something is 'wrong with me'. But No! I am normal, and that is such a relief, I am ASD normal. Maybe now with Medicare I can be diagnosed. Thanks again Paul for all you offer everyone out here, it is much appreciated.
Had not even thought of this, but yes, definitely, many instances of choosing to be alone rather than be with people because "people" at the moment was way too exhausting to accommodate. Thanks!
This resonates with me very stong. I'm not sure, But I think It was hardwired into my brain to overemphasize my pleasure in talking to people, (smile, nod, smile big, please, thank you, smile. smile, thank you.) to make sure they know that I'm happy, and I'm happy to see them, and I'm not mad, and I'm not mad at them, etc, etc. Yay, ECT. Even trying to break out of that as an adult, my mother had such a reaction when I didn't smile when I met her coming from a horrid flight. Now, I'm programed to smile all the time, and I'm trying really hard to reprogram that.
Now I'm starting to understand why I like being among people but not necessarily like engaging in dynamic social activities :)
Im glad you pointed out that calling someone angry can in fact be manipulative and make someone angry
People were calling me angry during my mental breakdown when i was actually just scared and frustrated and helpless. And completely overwhelmed
I was taught to mask by my mother who insisted I smile at all times no matter how I felt. It became a habit because I was rewarded by LACK of questions by people who assume you are fine as long as you are smiling. I took all emotional energy and put it into smiling. My Mom said I looked pretty if I smiled (suggestive that I wasnt pretty if I didn’t). If you smile, people talk to you so you don’t have to instigate conversation. If you smile, people assume you are interested and listening to them when really you aren’t but you don’t have to talk much. If you smile, you can say you have to go find (food, drink, fresh air, bathroom) whatever and walk away mid conversation to escape and nobody gets mad about it. If you smile a lot, people assume you are drink or stupid (silly girl) and don’t expect a lot of words which I can’t access when overstimulated like in large groups or over emotional (drowning in empathy). I believe my Mom was ADHD and on the spectrum like me…and she was teaching me what worked for her.
Never thought about it like that! Unfortunately, it’s very difficult for me to fake a smile. When I try to do it, I get a weird look or get asked “why are you smiling” 🤦🏽♀️ never looks natural on me, which is why i don’t feel comfortable doing it.
The opening absolutely resonated with me.
People can't ever read how I'm feeling and they see me as cold when really I'm very wholesome and loving.
Super helpful. You asked about misunderstandings. Several years ago my best friend came over for our birthdays (3 days apart). My knees are trashed and so getting things ready had me really tired and sore on top of usual simulation things. We exchanged gifts and she gave me this lovely stained glass ornament. While she was talking I zoned out thinking about how much I liked it and where I would hang it to be able to enjoy it the most. I then carefully packed it back in the box so it wasn't broken before getting hung up. I apparently had the flat expression going on while this was happening. We finished our visit and I was delighted thinking what a lovely time we had. Next day I get a call blasting me about how I hated the gift and I always hate her gifts and generally freaking out on me. Flat face zone out did me in. I was about 6 - 9 months before things got sorted out.
i prefer using the term "a-social" over "anti-social". "anti-social" comes with a huge burden, stigma, by being easilly lumped together with anti-social personality disorder and psychopathy, which already happens way to often when media coverage of crimes uses "autism" as a label for anti-social/psychopathic behaviors. same goes for narcissism and autism...
It makes me really angry when I am accused of being anti-social! People need to learn to get this right… if someone avoids people or only spends time with certain people, that makes them asocial or selectively social, NOT anti-social!
Anti-social is behaviour like vandalism or drunkenness, stuff that’s likely to get you in trouble with the cops! I would never DREAM of behaving like that and I am sick of people saying I’m anti-social. I am selectively social, and given the way I have been treated, that shouldn’t really be surprising!
Also, surely bullying is anti-social behaviour? Therefore, I am the victim of anti-social treatment, I do not behave anti-socially!
Unless these issues are talked about so that autism is better understood, nothing will change. As a neurotypical person I feel it is essential that everyone understands and so that these behaviours become 'normal' - in my experience, people are mostly negative about things they don't understand. Thank you for helping to get this message across to everyone.
"Misunderstood" is the theme of my entire social life since I can remember
This hits me so F*ing hard. Had to pause the video at two minutes mark because I got my adrenaline pumping and hands shaking from anger from going back into my memories and basically one of the main reasons why none of my intimate relationships were working. But to clarify, that is not shift blame from me towards my ex-partners, because at that time I didn't have any idea of being autistic myself, so there was pretty much nothing either of us could have done to make the situation better.
This also happens because people can't mask as effectively when fatigued or overstimulated. E.g. I personally rarely have a flat affect or monotone when interacting with people because I know it can disrupt communication, often misconstrued etc. But when I'm tired, it's harder to do that. I wind up cutting interactions short or secluding myself to prevent misunderstandings
!!! I'm going to have to watch this like 7 times, because **yes**. This is it, and I didn't even realize these things could be differentiated.
I'm from Japan and Thought i was antisocial but I may just hate masking around other people. Idk how i can be myself without masking at the moment because I keep staying in without real friends i can hang out with irl, yet It's an eyeopener for me nonetheless. Thank you for the insight. 😊❤
When people do that unintentional gaslighting I find allowing them to talk helps. A lot of basic phrases like "tell me about that" and "go on" combined with long silences giving them space to build their world of misunderstanding. Eventually they forget what they were projecting. It's hard to remember to do it sometimes, especially with more irritating button pushers. But it does often works.
I've been told l was mean when I was merely concentrating. And told I was always angry when I was recovering from a serious illness.
People think I’m frowning when I’m actually concentrating. If they actually bothered to notice what I was doing when I looked like I was “frowning” it should be pretty obvious that I’m concentrating! Would it really kill them to make some effort towards me? They want people to make an effort towards them, so they should do the same in return, but they don’t ‘cause they’re all selfish and one-sided, and all the more reason why I feel better off on my own!
I've been burnt out since this summer and became depressed after a friend died a little less than a month ago. Seasonal depression is starting to kick in too.
For me the obstacle is generally the sensory issues/energy levels. Other than that I'm happy to talk.
I'm too burnt out to maintain proper friendships but casual ones are just right (work mates etc)
Not having safe people to be around with
Results into me wanting to be left alone lol
I don't mind my own company
Yes that is my usual way of being. But it would sure be nice to have a few friends to do things with sometimes. Oh well. Of course then you get ridiculed by family, and the odd friend you might make, because "you don't have any friends". Another sign that something is wrong with YOU. Then the "friend" disappears.
@@Do-U-Know-me00
If your family ridicules you for who you are, then they're a bunch of losers, who are making you into less than you could be.
A family should support its own members - not weaken them.
Me neither my last neighbor was threatening and my new neighbors dog attacked me twice now people say I'm mean let them think whatever I am mean .
I've been saying this for years, the fastest way to piss me off is to accuse me of being pissed off when I'm not. 😖
Telling me that I am thinking or feeling anything that I am not is an excellent way to make me angry, especially if you keep insisting that your right after I've informed you that you are wrong.
Hi, I'm probably not autistic (French, diagnosis is hard to get here) but I'm likely some spice of neuro divergent and definitely suffer from C-PTSD. In actuality, it does look a lot like autism and I relate strongly to what you describe here. I always wondered if I'm actually an introvert or if I was taught to be and recently found exactly what you say. Some people are unsafe and I'd rather be alone. Some people are safe enough and I am interested to be around them but don't necessarily have the energy. In which case my go to phrase is "Sorry I'm not entirely awake atm but I'm listening to you". And with people who are really safe, I can close my eyes, rest my head, they'll respect that and I'll be back in the conversation very energetically a few minutes later.
From all this, I've learned to protect myself from unsafe people and I don't hesitate to cut off completely from people I used to consider close to me, even (or especially should I say) family.
I'm still not sure if people can't read my mood or if I can't read my own mood, I'm an emotional sponge with barely any awareness of what emotions are like (that's most likely due to poor mirroring when I was young) but I can "read" people in a way that shows and frightens them. Meaning I don't really listen to what they say with words but understand their motivations and respond to that. Which really doesn't seem autistic right ? I've been working on it all and it got better but it's very challenging and sometimes I wonder if I'm not in fact learning to mask better.
As an aside, I think my situation explains why French psychiatry is so lame with these issues and still believes as Freud did that autism is the mother's fault. Autism, ADHD and C-PTSD overlap an awful lot.
Anyways, thank you for your work, it helps a lot. 💚
I've found the research on 'executive dysfunction' really interesting and a key thread to the things you are mentioning. I think that some neurodivergent people are very good observers and highly sensitive people (HSP) and this helps with learning the rules of conversation explicitly rather than immersively and thus helps masking.
@@lynettejwhite yes, I'm trying to educate myself on that. Vast subject though 😅. Thanks (and yes to highly sensitive)
I continuously self monitor my body posture and facial expressions to ensure I convey a neutral or positive signal. To me, it's a real time strategy game requiring constant responses to my opponents actions.
That example of someone constantly telling you you're upset reminded me of school. I was in the office once telling someone about an issue I had with a student. I didn't want to miss the rest of class so I went to leave, but the person I was talking to insisted that I was upset and needed to cool off. Yes, I was moderately upset at that point, but the office was not a place I felt comfortable in and I wanted to leave. The more they insisted the more upset I got, which then proved her point. I just ended up leaving because it was becoming an incredibly uncomfortable situation for me. Just leave me alone!
Edit: just realised that this isn't related to the video much, sorry
This was very helpful! By the way, perhaps because of my age, I've learned how not to "take on" the vibe someone is projecting on me. So I am more able now than ever before to resist, say, a situation where, as you hypothezised, someone keeps coming at you asking why you're so mad, when you're not. I know how to sigh, chuckle, see something like that as ridiculous as it is, and the person can ask me 100 times why I'm so "mad" (well, he can't really, because way before that I'll say, "Hey, talk to you later, I'm going to do other things now"), and I'll just look at it as somebody else "acting out" for incomprensibly silly reasons and it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. It's that distinction I've learned to make: what other people do or say is all about what's going on IN THEM and has NOTHING to do with what's going on IN ME. Not even when they need, for whatever reason drives them, to insist it's all about what's going on inside me (which is absurd because there's no way they can read the "inside" of me, so that's an absolute non-starter).
I really appreciate you sharing your experience since I completely relate to it! I also found this to be a solution: "what other people do or say is all about what's going on IN THEM and has NOTHING to do with what's going on IN ME." So well said!
Right on!!!
thanks
Thank you
The major thing I have done, the life-changing thing (well, one of a number of life-changing things) has been to exercise my prerogative, my own proper freedom and right, to manage my crowd/noise/hubbub/sensory-overload time. I cannot avoid all such situations, a certain degree of it is inescapable to my life and work. But, for one thing, I no longer castigate myself inwardly for not loving it (why, aren't we all supposed to LOVE a 'happening' social scene?), and for another I strategically guage my endurance of it, so that when I sense the limit approaching I make my exit. No apologies to anyone, because I'm doing what I have to, that's all. There comes a point where I could, as I've done a gazillion times before, go into "android-mode," a plastic shell doing the smiling, nodding, making vaguely responsive noises while screaming to be heard in the din, even as a myriad of noises and visual impressions pull and tear my consciousness in a million directions at once. But the only reason I did it a gazillion times before was, I thought it was like that for everybody, and if I was the only one who didn't love it, it meant there was something really wrong with me, almost morally so (misanthropic?). Now I know. So now I'm free. I'm no good to anybody in that state and there's simply no reason to carry out the charade. Just tell people, if you need to, what you're going through, don't leave it to hints or body language, but say it distinctly and unashamedly, and take the space, the exit, the break, the time-out, whatever you call it, that you need. That's what I've been teaching myself and practicing with life-changing results since my ASD discovery this spring.
Related to everything in this video so much. Having people misinterpret my body language is one of my biggest challenges in life. I used to wonder how people had the energy to make their faces take on expressions all of the time and how they didn't seem to find it as exhausting as I did. Turns out that apparently normal people don't have to force their faces to take on expressions, it normally just happens on its own! I really can't describe how exhausting it is to have to constantly explain to people how you're feeling, and how hurtful it is when they don't believe you (even though you are telling the truth). When it happens constantly, it gets to the point where it feels like no one really knows who you are. Or people will hate you for things that aren't even true. It's an agonizing experience for anyone.
omg like every time someone has asked me "are you ok?" and I was just not sending the proper signals for how I felt at the moment.
This video was incredibly helpful! Definitely made me consider some things I hadn't yet. Thank you!
This guy is the first channel to get me to take notes, I didn't even do that in college 😅
I'm so glad I came across your channel, it is like finding the translation code for all of the problems I've had in my life in dealing with people, and translating it to self-compassionate actions to take instead of the usual "you're just not trying hard enough" bit many other mental health articles seem to imply or say outright
I tried to figure out how to give gentleness, friendship and safety to a person I met, I care about and thought we were becoming friends, for him to feel safe to communicate about his inner state. I wanted to understand his needs and heart in order to protect them. But it was a disaster. I noticed his autism & trauma long time ago, but wouldn't discuss that over texts and did not have a chance to tell him about mine & now we are in conflict & don't talk. ☹️ Communication is so hard, especially when is mostly in writing and not speaking with voice or in person.
I was diagnosed with ASD just this year. Love ur videos, but this one especially, because when i was younger, I thought i was doing something wrong when I misinterpreted what someone said or did. I was considered stuck up and uncaring and very annoying in general. But it goes both ways. Nobody is right all the time about everyone else, if at all. I make sure to tell my friends and acquaintances i am on the spectrum and to let me know if I am becoming hard to deal with{at least for them}. Such as saying things like, "turn down the volume i can hear u just fine." or "please let me finish speaking." There are people i avoid because they are not willing to be accepting or kind just because i have ASD. And if I need to be blunt or speak up now i do, because they can walk away if they want to, as can i. And often do. If they want to be difficult they can "dump" on someone else, as i like to call it. I don't have to be there. Masking does indeed drain me, and sometimes i get up and take a walk to cool down if possible. But that's just me. I must respect others no matter to case. Even if they are being unsympathetic, as it were.
"Nobody is right all the time about everyone else, if at all."
I relate to everything you said and I like your terminology. Thank you for putting into words what I have struggled to explain or thought was impossible to explain to others.
absolutely right, for me being quite was taken as been antisocial or vocal modulation can be taken for be rude
Sometimes when I’m in a low energy state I give myself permission to let the talking all blur together so I can be more aware of people’s body language and comings and goings and my environment. It’s really nice. Even if my brain starts going, it doesn’t last long so it’s like meditation I feel.
I have the facial flat affect. I have been ask to smile more at one workplace. I only hate being around ppl that I know will deplete my energy vs giving energy. Strangers I can handle as I know I don’t have to interact with them long term. If the environment is loud, I cant stay. Demands of others can send me into overwhelm and then response paralysis especially if they have a demand that needs a quick response and they are being overbearing. People in authoritative positions are like this especially when they don’t consider your mental/emotional state. Managers, Doctors, anyone your senior on a job can potentially behave this way.
1:50 - I'd agree fully. And I wouldn't fault someone who doesn't get autism/aspergers either. It's really just the people close to us who get who we are, and qualified professionals. It gets exhausting.
I can relate to what you are saying. I find it difficult to discern which state I am in. I also live with chronic pain so that makes socializing a challenge at the best of times.
I have always thought i was just introverted and reserved. INFJ as a personality type. Revealing that helped me understand myself better but it seems alot of these traits are similar to autistic traits in fact maybe completing the picture. It would be useful to compare personality types and autism
That describes so many interactions I’ve had with people 😅
You know, having this video that puts my feelings in a clear format is going to be really useful. I'll just send it to my friends when i'm low-energy.
This definitely resonates with me.I get misunderstood a lot and am tired most of the time with constant struggle of trying to understand people.
Thank you Paul for these distinctions (again). Your distinctions clarify how i often feel, and not peopleing BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO MASK is definitely my thing. And yes, for many decades i've said i dont like people, for this reason, though for decades i've been unaware of the reason.
Really relate to this! I think, having been misinterpreted so much, I go to a lot of effort to try not to get misinterpreted (which means things like avoiding social situations if I don't have the energy to mask/perform and/or be able to justify or explain myself, over-exaggerating facial or vocal expressions, feeling the need to over-explain etc). I also know, sometimes, when I get misinterpreted, I don't have the confidence to say so, and I start questioning myself (maybe they're right? Maybe I thought I wanted 'this' but actually I wanted something else? Maybe I really am depressed when I thought I was just relaxed & peaceful? etc) - while it's ok to sometimes check your subconscious, the danger of this is it can lead to gaslighting, ruminating, negative thought spirals, being vulnerable to manipulation, and a confused sense of self.. Understanding that sometimes my external expression is perceived differently to how I feel on the inside has been huge. The mission is now shifting from constantly questioning myself and having others dictate my reality, to developing better self-awareness, and finding better ways of communicating around others..
E.g. I bought a Social Battery Pin Badge recently - where one can slide the battery level up and down, to show people how much energy I have for engaging & interacting, without having to speak. I just point to my badge :) . This seems a really good way of simply indicating why I might be a bit more reserved, not speak, need to stim more etc. It also helps me to self-advocate and stop myself from masking, because if I have low energy, I can present this as a fact, without feeling I have to compensate. (It does sort of rely on people understanding the concept of a 'social battery' - but this can also be a talking point if I feel up to it!)
Being around other autistic people DOES seem different because they are more likely to correctly interpret my authentic expressions (e.g. stimming, looking away, verbal processing etc..) and understand my need for alone/recharge time. It is definitely easier without the expectation to mask. On the other hand, I have found I need to be more aware of things like Rejection Sensitivity, and I also struggle with being direct sometimes, which is unusual for an autistic person and can cause miscommunications.. Anyway, it's all working progress!
Making these distinctions has been really helpful. I need a pin badge for each of them, haha..
Long time watcher, first time commenter. I am astounded on every single one of your videos just how similar our "brand" or "flavor" of autism is - I show your videos off a lot because almost everything you say is a perfect explanation of how I am! Very often when I am in groups I find myself closing my eyes and have been very confused as to why I keep being asked if I need to lay down or use the guest bedroom because I'm not really tired and I don't want to leave the conversation, and this explains it so much. Plus I too am very often told that I'm "obviously upset" or that it "doesn't seem like I'm convinced" of something or "don't seem excited". But I do have a flat affect except around people I know incredibly well. So giving some thought to your questions I think, it's that I hate masking around people more than I hate people as a whole, because good and safe people do lift me up and energize me to some extent (just not much, since I'm an introvert). That being said...when I have to fully mask around someone, all the time, I certainly do end up hating that individual, or at the very least hate spending time with them, and that's like 90% of people I know. I have not really found any safe or accepting spaces. The only person I can fully unmask around is my husband, and semi-unmasked is as good as I get anywhere else.
This is extremely helpful.
I get told I look angry at work, and I laugh it off, apologise and say no I'm just tired. I've tried to mask it but it just makes it worse and it's frustrating always being asked if I'm ok like a reminder that something I'm doing is wrong. Thank you so much for this resource it's incredibly validating and helpful.
I absolutely grok the distinction between wanting to be alone just to be alone and wanting to be alone because I'm not around accepting people. It explains why I'm much more social now that I'm an adult and choosing my own communities and friends (rather than having to do with what geography and/or my parents could provide as a child).
I have a burnout from masking,
I have not energy for work
🤒😴🙏
Nicely outlined! I also wanted to note becoming more conscious of these misunderstandings doesn't necessarily make things better lol :S Not everyone is capable of meeting these expectations, esp. when you have other underlying conditions and that's okay, too. Sometimes ppl's expectations aren't always very realistic. Everyone talks about mental health nowadays but still don't always apply that concept to these real life contexts.
Two things stand out for me in this video - definition of low energy, and you feel relaxed. I NEVER feel relaxed. Genuinely. I have watched others experience it and I have no idea how to get there. And low energy for me is super stressful. So many things need to be done and I can't accomplish them as I am so tired. Now, maybe I am mixing up tired and low energy, but I'm not sure how they can be separated. And not sure why I say 'tired' when I mean exhausted. I suspect that I have been burnt out for a number of years now, and can't take the time to get past it. I can take to my bed for weeks, being awake only a few hours and trying to do life stuff, like eating, and during that time so many things build up like washing dishes and clothes (no self-care happens most of the time but definitely not during these phases). Sorry I think I have gone off on a tangent. The point I'm trying to make (I think!) is that I am constantly chasing my tail, NEVER relax, and low energy is frustrating for me. It's not depression as I've been there, it's just a total inability to do anything. And I do really truthfully dislike people and social interactions. They drain me beyond belief. And the idea of being in a group of people - even autistic people - is a full on 100% no from me. All that aside lol, thanks for the video 👍
The state you've named "Low Energy" resonates as still, quiet, and spacious for me. Advaita Vedanta comes to mind.
Love this topic and video. Totally relate to the experience of taking breaks in safe spaces. I find it very nourishing, very regulating.
The distinction of wanting to be alone because it’s not safe to be myself vs wanting to be alone because I’m communing w myself or nature or the muse or my work, vs needing to shut down rest and reset is very important for me to check in w myself. Thanks for elegant articulation of that.
I have a wide circle of friends where neuro or social diversity is accepted to a point. It has been a revelation to me to realize that they like being accepted/accepting within the subculture’s alternative social structure but there are still norms that are being enforced that my authentic self doesn’t find natural or even worthwhile or valid. My being clear what that’s about and not inferring because people are counter culture (artists and musicians and activists etc) they can handle me going into a monolog about something I’m fascinated educated and passionate about, helps me participate and have realistic expectations of what others can be comfortable w. I’m uncomfortable w lying, dominating and grandstanding. They are uncomfortable w truth, equality and observing. Love and affinity are the bridge. If I don’t have my bridge building chops ready to hand it’s not a good moment to participate w anyone who isn’t also concerning themselves w building a bridge to me in how we relate to one another.
I had a bad bridge is out experience yesterday w a friend of over 40 years who is part of a group I spend Sundays w at my favorite swimming hole. I’m still hurting from the misunderstanding and at the same time- what I said was valid. I had a right to say it and she had a right to see it differently and to feel annoyed and upset w my perspective abd my introduction of an uncomfortable topic. It was involving someone from the group not being welcome from my perspective due to his assaulting me years ago. I confronted the friend who gives this other guy who stare stalks me all around the swimming hole a ride asking why he feels the need to bring this man around when other women besides me have also complained about him stare stalking them as well. since the ride giver is also my friend of years I couldn’t understand why he would go out if his way to bring such a person proximal to me on my only social outing per week as a mostly homebound person (sensory issues and Covid risk mgmt w immune issues makes indoor anything v inaccessible to me)
Apparently the subculture says everyone is welcome and I have no right to complain about the impact to me. I guess I need to find a new swimming hole. My friend of 30 years needs to decide if she can accept my “failings” as much as she is willing to accept this stalker who SA ‘d me under the water years ago. And I get to decide what level of basic decency threshold I require to participate in social situations. It’s not the end of the world to let go of a friend who I can’t trust to have my back about something so important but I hope I can find a way to accept her perspective and for her to accept mine. Her husband understood my view so hopefully he can help build a bridge. I think she can’t bear for me to advocate for excluding someone else, even when their behavior is anti social, threatening, and in one instance I have direct knowledge of, against the law and deeply immoral and a harmful risk to all women who frequent our swimming holes.
What you call low energy, I recognize that state and can relate. It does make some people nervous, and misinterpret my mood as angey or unhappy. I describe it to others as, "Enjoying emptiness", "Just chillin' ", "Chillaxed" (a portmanteau of relax and chill) or "Enjoying myself by being quiet" or to those who really know me "Quaffing Silence". These terms help some people understand that I'm not unhappy or angry, I just need a moment to just be.
"Quaffing silence," I love it!
My partner and I just had this argument on Christmas day. After masking all day, and just needing quiet, they accused me of being angry until I was. I couldn't articulate any of this at the time. Thanks for putting it into words.
Yes!!!! I've always got a little, to a lot of nervous energy...my fidgety or seemingly anxious behavior...can come across as me not liking someone...or being agitated/upset. I'm hyper sensitive to other people's body language, and have misinterpreted people before, because they seemed uninterested or not engaged. Thank you for this video, because I'm definitely misreading people's, especially other nuerodivergent people's, body language! I've been told that I can give off a flirty vibe, with my body language... or completely disinterested/unapproachable bx...completely unintentionally. 😅🤦♀️😂
You brought up some really great points here Paul! I remember struggling a lot during my childhood where I would spend a lot of time alone and doing my own thing, but my brother would constantly berate me and accuse me of being "anti-social" and I HATED it! I just never had the words to be able to describe my situation and I wish I had this video to show him 20-something years ago...
I CRAVED social interaction, but only the right types of interactions. Additionally, I quickly became overstimulated and needed to retreat afterwards to recharge. It wasn't until much later that I discovered the difference between anti-social and asocial. Being anti-social is a personality disorder, being asocial describes a preference to be alone. Most social situations were too stressful for me, but being in groups of close friends where I didn't need to mask was more of a recharge than a drain to my energy level!
Wow, that really struck a chord with me! I've heard so many comments about me or to me, that I (almost) started to believe I was grumpy, emotionless etc. Even after my diagnosis at 51 (almost 8 years ago now) it took me some time to realise that was not true at all.
Thanks for this - having problems at work with this - very tiring job & at lunchtimes I read as it relaxed me - if I 'socialised' all lunchtime I know from experience I would end up tensed-up & overstimulated, & not ready for the afternoon, & this would be cumulative over the week/ weeks. I worry constantly about how people perceive this, especially as I don't feel able to tell them why, as I'm self diagnosed. I get really nervous too around others when there's a 'too-long' silence because I feel they blame me for it.
I completely understand and agree with you! I learned in therapy that it’s not my responsibility to carry a conversation if it goes quiet, the other person can say something if they want to etc etc. And I feel less on edge about that now, but it depends on the person and situation, I guess. I also love to read or listen to podcasts/music & walk around during my lunch breaks to recharge. This has been in issue in previous jobs, but not so much in my current one. People think I’m private, I think. Hopefully not rude 😬
@ros8986 bless you for being a well balanced person. Most people feel slighted when you don't respond in a way they expect. Very few people allow you to just read.
the problem is my parents get pissed at me when im in a low mood cause im “not treating them with the utmost respect” like they should come before my own basic needs.
Interesting. I’m NT and my gf is ASD. One of our most common reasons for having a fight is HER telling me that I’m angry when I’m not. She will keep repeating it until I get angry. So indeed super annoying regardless of who does it.
I wish I knew how to make her stop but I’m just not able to.
Thank you for your informative videos
Yep, totally relate to that distinction! When I don't feel I can adjust to what I need in a social situation and it's become exhausting or overwhelming, I'd rather retreat and be alone. But, sometimes just meeting with a safe/close/easy friend where I can relax and adjust as needed immediately after the draining experience is enough to reverse that overwhelm or exhaustion, which supports your idea and distinction. I had realized the energy part, but I hadn't quite thought of it in the way you described. It's very helpful!
We should consider intentionally creating our own dialect, which we are already doing unofficially.
Allistic words don't fit us, and visa versa.
I'm verbally oriented, and I have a large vocabulary but frequently I can't find the right word because it does not exist.
BTW: I also have three encyclopedic dictionaries. Beyond those is specialty jargon, which most people won't know.
For me a situation full of people wanting to be loud together is just too much stimulus. For this reason, I as a child would seek a quiet space (my bedroom upstairs) while my 5 brothers were bursting through doorways and circulating around the downstairs rooms. My mother would require me to come downstairs "to be part of the family." Classic my-life example of the dynamic between wanting simple comfort and being required to mask in a way prescribed by my mom.
I was diagnosed last July at 45yo and this trait is a large part of why I began to consider I was autistic. All my life I have heard thing like I thought you were a jerk (this is the nice way to put it) but then I got to know you and you are really funny. Or I can't read you. And of course there is the are you OK, you seem upset. When I dove into learning about autism (thank you Paul), it explained so many of the experiences i had all my life. A few times in the last year when getting to know someone, this has come up and I tell them that what is expresses on the outside is nothing like what is going on on inside.
I have thought back on my relationships that ended poorly and have kind of realized that most they time they misinterpreted or couldn't read my body language, so they "made up a story" about me. But then I didn't follow the narrative of that store and the relationship fell apart. Has anyone else have had this in there life?
The low energy state you describe resonates with me a lot. It takes me a while after waking up before I'm able to talk to people. If someone talks to me straight away after I get up it annoys me that I have to respond, even though they're saying something nice. I just need some time to become a person, to initiate all the communication protocols and layers in my brain.
I need to engage the part of my brain that looks up standard responses to small talk and do it without looking annoyed that they've interrupted my calm, peaceful internal state that I was enjoying being in. I have heavy inertia between states and it sometimes takes me a while to get my brain in the mode for talking to people, especially people who are full energy, it's like having a flashlight shone in your eyes - my immediate reaction is to want to close my eyes and get away from what's disrupting my calm comfortable state.
I also get into that state after too much socialisation, like if I've been around lots of people. It then becomes very bad if I encounter one of those people on the way home or something (e.g. on public transport), because I probably switched my brain off as soon as I was out of the social situation and was recharging, to then have to stop recharging and reboot "normal person" mode is a huge effort and annoying, and I usually won't be very good at it because I've still got one foot in the quiet inner contemplation zone so I'll not be very responsive.