When I was 26, I discovered the infidelity of my narc ex. He ran away with the girl so he wouldn't have to face my questions and a broken heart. I went to my mother for support, but she just laughed when she saw me cry and said that I deserved it and I wouldn't live with her. She kicked me out on the street. My sister watched it all coldly. The triple betrayal hurt so much that I decided to commit suicide. I felt like I had no one in the world, so I'll end it. I walked to the bridge to jump, and then I hear a strong voice inside me that said something like look at this and suddenly I saw my funeral, my parents and my sister pretending to be sad, and after the funeral their day continues as if nothing special had happened. And the other day as well... That's when I realized I wasn't sacrificing my live for them. I am 38 now. I found out that all three have a narcissistic personality disorder only this year. I'm glad I had that vision of my funeral, even though I don't understand where it came from, but I had a strong feeling it was true. Although at that time, I didn't think my family was callous. On the contrary, I thought I was useless in the world. I cannot explain that vision but it saved my life. :-)
Julienna, Please stand strong. I have lived with narcs all of my life. I was born into it and then kept it going with 2 husbands and after divorcing 15 years ago...several narc and jerk dating at the age of 65. I haven't dated in 3 years, keeping safe. I have contemplated suicide many times...but I am going to stick it out! The one thing I have asked and demanded that if/when I do die, ex or my sister will NEVER be notified. My ex narc daughter will not know and neither will me sister they get NOTHING!!. It is time for we narc survivors stand on our own and not let them on the stage they like to perform on. Block, cut off and even if the only thing you have is a dog or cat. You have won!!!! Be brave and study study study. Please check out The Royal We. He talks a lot about family narcs. Take care and you can do this! stay sweet and strong and wise.
Jesus is real. He saved my life too. Never give up. There will be evil just like there is good. Following Jesus has given me peace beyond anything this world can give, and has helped me heal from narcissistic abuse as well. You are not alone.
@@MM-qg5xh Well said. I agree. People like to hate on narcissistic people, but most people I’ve seen are selfish, hypocritical, judgmental, and contradictory.
YES! Whenever I turned to that friend searching for empathy I just got out feeling worse... 1. She, somehow, always makes it about her, 2. Tells me what to do, 3. Tells me how I should feel... and I didn't ask for a "how to" 😒 it's just not a friendly empathy... I hate when they belittle emotions of others
@@susie2366 your so right..I hoped my son would change but 6 years later he still won't speak to me..I've tried but he blocked me..when I asked why he hates me he gave vague reasons that had nothing to do with anything..I know in my heart I was a good parent who loves him..but he won't acknowledge me
It is still really painful. Each holiday I spend alone, I AM relived to be without the stress and pain, but I grieve all over again that all the family are either narcs, or too selfish to EVER come home 600 miles for me. I go there; they never come here. When in the heck will I be able to stop grieving the loss of ever having a family worth having (It's been 5 years)? When I find a substitute? I don't trust people enough to get that close.
Oddly, even though you were alone, you were deeply blessed to be free of the usual Narc abuse, and to not have to watch the callous, selfish hypocrisy that goes on at some family gatherings. I empathize with you.
@@marilyncarlson7097 it IS very hard to have to realize that your family will always be selfish, entitled, unfeeling and unkind. Eventually you might come to realize that you are way better off just letting go of the hopes and dreams that will never be. Looking forward, find good friends that you can relate to, empathize with and share with, and leave selfish family behind. 😘
I´ve spent 8 years alone during Christmas, and it was extremely painful at first. But now I´m sure it could be much worse if I was by my disfunctional relatives
ahh I love that! My name is Tessa (asset spelled backwards) and I am a reminder to my entire narcissistic family that human beings are not assets! They're tessas lol some of them xD I was born to a family full of narcissists hahaha my whole family is either abusive or passive :') I'm the feeler of the family. If anything I think i might be a grandiose narcissist but i don't hurt people, I intentionally try to minimize the harm I cause to others. LOL *goes back to daydreaming about living in a tinyhome I built somewhere in the mountains*
These people are truly sick and wretched. A normal person grieves because they miss the essence of a loved one; a narcissist grieves because they miss the loss of what that person did for them. Truly sad.
They see others’ kindness as tool and forgiveness as weaknesses they can “reuse”. Really shocking but true. And they really are proud that they could control you, see your suffering as nothing happens. I mean hubby and wife who are closest to them. Tragedy.
My ex narcs mother was a week in hospital and died of a heart attact. He never said anyting although his sister told him. I was beyond shocked. He also told me when we met that his father is dead. Not true. He died years later and when the narc when missing i found out he was at the funeral. Deep mental illness.
Dr Ramani sure has helped me to understand the dynamics I have endured for a lifetime with my narcissistic brother, and I am now figuring out the dynamics of my failing marriage.
Ty for for sharing ur videos as it help me move on n understand d traits of a narcissist bcoz I' m a victim of it for 30yrs being together due to his womanizing nature replacing me to a 16 now turns 18 yrs of age. And it thru d many videos i' ve been listening n yours has a very good way of presenting it about the Narcissist w/ c is only now has given me to know who the person I was with. Thank you for sharing your videos n ds regard n God bless to you.
This is so true! I had no idea for like 6 years, but then i saw a video explaining what a narcissist was and i fell to my knees an cried because for years i thought i was crazy and the video i saw showed me that im not. It wasnt her but I appreciate her as well she has been helping me learn everything i can about them
Oh boy' did my narc nephew put on a show when his father passed, and then he put on a much bigger show once he realized that his step mother, somehow made sure he didn't receive any cash, which is what he was truly waiting for. Possibly wrong on her part, but I could care less, because they're two of the worst most demonic narcs I've ever come across in my 55 years on earth.
They only grieve when they lose narcissistic supply. I wouldn’t even call that grieving, it’s more like they panic and start planning how they can carrot-stick you back into their orbit.
My narcissist ex-wife had a histrionic streak, 9mo before she left me. We were having more sex in 2 months than we had for 14 years all together. In the middle of it, the mother of one of her long time friends died, and she goes to the funeral in very tight white pants, and a flowered fluffy blouse. She was stunning and wearing 3” heels. Everyone commented on how beautiful she was. When we got home we had a night of sex. To this day I can’t forget how disturbing that was, but her beauty and control over me just made me close my eyes to that weird and inappropriate behavior.
@Bliss And Wellbeing That is so wrong. You are full of presumptions. You cannot judge people from how they look to you at funerals. Your aperception also mirrors YOUR inner situation. How can you judge how someone looks when they are grieving?
Interesting that you mentioned weddings. There has not been a wedding/happy occasion that my narc. mother has not pulled one of her stunts. Usually by claiming some physical aliment during the ceremony or reception to pull the attention to her (or not showing up at all so that the topic of convo becomes "where is she?"). HOWEVER, she will always be there at a funeral and makes sure that everyone knows, she literally uses them as networking opportunities for new narc. supply.
what I have notice about narcissist's grief is that it is "self-pity" Ultimate objective is bringing all attention to themselves "standing in the spotlight" of public pity and adulation.
@@basantidevi2305 I think they really do feel some sort of grief but only for themselves....they are unable to feel compassion for anyone else. Only God can help them.
I was raised by my grandmother after mom came home pregnant at 15. As mom matured, she grew jealous and resentful of our bond. When Gram died, my mother said "I wonder if you'll grieve like that for me." She was too busy measuring the depth of my grief to shed a tear.
I've seen narcs grieve...they run to grab all the inheritance, clean out bank accounts, and rage when asked about what they're doing and justify their actions by explaining how deserving they are because everyone else is undeserving.
OMG this happened to me with my brother this January. 2022.. He came with a spreadsheet 5 days after we buried my mom... He came from a different state.... I was still in the nightgown I wore the night she was buried and hadn't showered or even washed the make-up off my face from that day... All he cared about was the money and since we were both executors of the will he wanted me to move quickly settling the money. !!! He interrupted my process of grieving... I was so angry... I took care of her when her health decline... Of course I'm the Blacksheep of the family who always did everything correctly....
My narc mother took my grandmother with late stage brain cancer into a lawyer to have her will rewritten. That was a nice surprise when it got to be the last days & Grandma couldn't even talk anymore.
Grieving for a narcissist is a long winded social media post about how much they love and miss who they lost to get attention, but not actually giving too much of a second thought in reality.
I don't know. I have a family member who does this not so much when losing someone herself but when a close friends does. It's always struck me as odd that everybody else then goes along with it saying "so sorry for your loss" when she hasn't actually lost anyone, but I wouldn't swear it's narcissism rather than a somewhat misguided way of expressing sympathy.
@@ChattyLionheart that's stealing the spotlight from someone else to garner attention, pretty common narcissistic trait however doesn't necessarily mean they are a narc unless they have other traits
@@Winterreise189 It does look that way from the outside and if she ever tries it with me she'll probably get told exactly how inappropriate I think it is. On the other hand I'm not in her head and as long as I'm not directly involved I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though I do wonder sometimes (because of that and other quirks). Some people are just clumsy in the way they interact with others, and who am I to judge?
Dr. Ramani, I have been going through a personal journey to find peace and I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to do what you do. You have helped me and will continue to help me as I navigate these trials I am currently going through. Bless you.
I also found healing through her videos, I had no idea what kind of a person my ex was until I cam across her videos and I realised that I was not crazy and I has to accept that
My father is a narcissist and he just lost his wife. My Dad only cares about himself. Im watching him during this process, and I notice his crying and grieving seems fake, and he is loving the attention. My sister and I have put our lives on hold to help him. He is so self-centered and draining. We have done all the planning of the service we are the only ones. He is currently staying at my sister's house, driving everyone crazy.
When my father killed himself, my grandmother (his mother), always said: „Now I have no one to take care of me, when I‘m old“ and „How could he do this to us?“. She didn’t really care how he felt, what was going on with him, or if she as a mother might have contributed to the psychological problems that led to his suicide. Also she didn’t go to his funeral, because she „just couldn’t“ and left me completely alone with the responsibilities of the funeral.
Narcisists are the biggest cowards on earth!!! This I found out only after distancing and liberating myself from the biggest coward I have ever met in my life: My father.
We had a speaker at a support group and she explained exactly what you said, that Kubler-Ross thing was never meant to be linear. Always cyclical. My dad was in for a shock when my mum died. He thought he had tons of friends and everyone loved him, then he found out they loved HER and none of them talked to him anymore. He had spent so much time being God's gift to mankind that he hadn't realised the angel of a wife he'd had.
Yes, I recognise that. My Dad was a lovely man, sensitive and empathic and I realised after he died that 'their' friends were really 'his' friends. Almost none of them kept in contact with my mother afterwards. She always talked about all their friends and hoe close our family is. I often wonder what it must feel like for her to realise that she doesn't have friends and that the rest of the family is close but it doesn't include her.
After the death of my father, my narcissistic mother said something like"oh, I can finally go for longer walks without your father dragging behind me complaining about his hurting legs" it was mind-blowing 🥺
I can feel u ... Narc mother here also. I have gone through a lot. N my father yet couldn't figure her out. Eventually he became an enabler. She says harshly... When u will die.. I will be happy. She is happy when m admitted to hospital. My father's health is degrading. N she is happy
You can manage to leave a narcissistic husband...hard to leave a narcissistic mother...especially when your loving father is subjected to her devilish "spell"...
I've attended funerals where narcissists in my life have lost a brother or a childhood friend and while I stood next to them, hardly knowing their friend or brother, bawling my eyes out for the deceased person's family, the narcissist stood there stone-faced. I was astonished at the lack of feeling.
people grieve when they lose someone/something important to them. for narcissists, i believe, there is the possibility to experience grief, just not for the same reasons as other people do, they lost someone they loved to control, abuse, manipulate, etc, not someone they actually loved
@@jovanna1967 i believe they do, but in an extremely infantile, one-directional way, surface-level. they expect to be loved, and manipulate people into loving them, and can get very angry (scared) when this isn't provided cheaply or even unconditionally. very similar to how a fraud wants unconditional trust. it's just once they get it, they abuse the heck out of it instead of reciprocating. narcissists LOVE love, and love the power to get people to love them. as long as they're the one getting it all while giving nothing everything's just fine and dandy :)
@@davidbonar5190 i agree with you, I'm married to a narcissist extremely difficult marriage, I could write ✍ a book of tid bits to help others, its a very draining life
Like Thanos in Avengers? Sorry for the reference if it seems irrelevant. Meaning the narcissistic person is sad to lose them but having no regret for the damage they did to them or others on the way to power.
When I was very sick n ended up in the ER, I tried calling the ex narc n he refused to answer the phone as he is sleeping , I left him a text, he didn't bother contacting me to ask how I was, the next day late at night he calls n wen I asked him, he said " stop acting, you wasn't sick at all, and my brother is calling me now and I can't talk to u, I then got angry n told him off for his lack of care n cruel behavior n he said I don't care if u die, that's my brother and I can't miss his call" A very cruel wicked inhumane selfish twit with an IQ in the negative, so glad I left him.
When my grandmother died, my mother lashed out at me for my genuine grief. she sneered at me and accused me of not caring (which was actually a reflection of her).
Both of my parents are narcissistic (and divorced). When my grandparents died (all 4 over the course of 20 years), my parents attacked my siblings and me. Both my parents would rage and scream, and they berated us for not caring enough! My parents were insulted and inconvenienced that they still had to be parents to their underage children.
My mother did this to me as well. Did the same thing when my grandpa died. My whole life she blamed me for my father being absent. Now I'm 29 and she's all over the internet dragging my name through the dirt because I dont want her around my children. The exact same children she said weren't hers because "they're too white"
My youngest brother passed last night. My mother, sister and brother are narcissists. I was the scapegoat. My brother that passed was the lost child. My family is hollow. There is no one to turn to to process the loss, to remember my brother, to share stories with, to try to understand. My sister wants to argue and perhaps hasn’t considered the loss. My mother changes the subject, my other brother says what does it matter, he’s gone. I feel disconnected and completely alone in wanting to understand what happened to my brother, how we could’ve done better and how can we honor him. Even in death no one sees him. RIP baby brother ❤
Be strong and be patient with yourself in your journey of knowing that you are empowered by the special relationship you had (and still have within you), you’ll have that with you all your life! They don’t have that, only you do. How special is that? If you can possibly get out of the house and hang with better people like friends, you’re going to have to let the rest of your family grieve in their weird way. Good luck!❤
How are you doing now after a year. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago. I am also the scapegoat. If i wouldnt have Jesus, it would be so much more difficult to handle all this
As a pastor, the narcissists I've witnessed in my congregation and my own family have actually showed very little if any grief during the loss of their loved ones. I watched one man laugh and joke the entire time of his wife's viewing and funeral. They had been married over 50 years. He seemed totally oblivious to his loss. Many people saw this as very odd. My narcissistic grandfather would not even be at the deathbed of his own wife of 62 years. He was home watching his favorite tv programs while grandma was dying in the hospital. I never saw that man shed a tear over her.
@@dml4539 I don't usually get overly emotional at a funeral unless it's someone very close to me. But I do show a great deal of respect. The thing that bothers me the most is to see others soooo distraught. That seems more difficult for me than the actual death. I seem to easily absorb the emotions of others in the room who are grieving and that is the hardest part of any funeral for me.
When my mother died my narcissistic husband and his narcissistic mother made things difficult for me. My mother in law was grieving about her dog, who suddenly became disabled. I understood her feelings and didn’t expect her to do or feel anything about my loss. But later on she got into an altercation with someone at the barn where she boarded her horse. She talked to me on the phone and wanted me to take her side. she claimed that she was falsely accused her of shoving another person. I listened politely but didn’t jump to defend her. In truth I believe she did it. She raged at me for not defending her. I told her that I was not there and I didn’t know what happened. But then she threw up in my face that I should be there for her because she was there for me when my mother was dying. I didn’t bother to correct her. I ended the phone call. But I felt like this was a good glimpse of the real her.
Wow, there are no depths to which they wont sink to try to get what they want. She showed you exactly who she was in that moment. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
@@halledwardb the reason is because we don’t assume evil in other people. We think about people in a fair and just way. They on the other hand have ulterior motivation that is not of a good nature.
They do rage when you don't defend them, but all they're doing is trying to manipulate the story and you. I feel like you did the right thing, by just taking a neutral stance. That always makes them mad, but it tells them, you're not going to defend them. They made their choice, they have to be responsible for it.
My current narc just had a pet die. And he cried uncontrollably. And while he was in between tears he kept saying remembering memories of how the cat made him feel. Not really much else and I realized he is grieving how the cat made him feel not the actual cat himself. He current has a sick cat snd is pouring so much money in keeping this cat Alive, but not for the cat but simply because he can’t handle another loss that feeds his supply. It so strange it’s like he’s making this cat suffer and simply not lay it to rest because he can’t handle death. I keep telling him to make his cat happy and comfortable and celebrate her life. But he can’t bring himself to do that. He keeps pumping her with experimental drugs and foods and this cat looks so miserable I feel sad for her I just wish he would let this cat go in peace
I wouldn't be surprised, if they pretended to 'grieve' the very same persons they themselves drove to suicide while abusing them. Do I believe narcissists can actually grieve? No. Why should they mourn the death of a person they indirectly killed? Public "grieving", however, provides them with narcissistic supply.
When I left my Covert Narcissist, he came to my new home to tell me how now he had to cook, clean, and grocery shop. It was terrible suffering for him.
they are really ridiculous that way aren't they? Don't they have a clue how revealing that is, for them to want your sympathy, b/c they are deprived of your services?
just like my father. He is sociopath. When my mother died he faked a crying, but I can see that the real problem has been to do "women´s things": washing, cleaning, cooking, ironing etc etc. THAT was his problem.
I visited my parents after waiting over a year for "permission". While there, my husband in Indiana, emailed that I "abandoned" him and who will make his lunch?
This was deep, when my ex-wife lost her dad, whom she was very close with she kept on saying< "He left ME!" while she cried. I didn't take notice to it until I realized she KEPT saying it. I was thinking, "Wow. This man's health problems led up to his death and all you can think about is how he left YOU? What about the fact he isn't suffering anymore, or that he didn't die young and led a full life?" Soon I started to realize she made EVERYTHING about her. Wish I caught on to this sooner, but glad I got out!
My narcissistic definitely played the I’m grieving more deeply than anyone. It gave him a huge excuse to be mean and angry. I felt like he only had one emotion anger.
They grieve the loss of supply but they’re also masking the blow to their self-esteem but no one can see that so they make like they’re sad about losing you. They aren’t. They’re pissed off that they couldn’t fool you anymore.
They grieve. Their pains are about losing their supply,pain if their ego is hurt,pain when they lose their money earned out of greed,when their fake happiness and popularity finally hits an end.
Very true! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽They love their supplies and the suppliers as long as they provide supply. Their "love act" in public is indeed "a scene" to watch 🙆🏻♀️😛😅😂🤣
I believe in this "egocentric grief" because I remember my mom told me one time that when her dad (my grandfather) tragically passed away when she was 11 years old, the first thing she said as she cried was "How will I be able to afford to go to my dream school now?" I don't think she noticed but I found it so disturbing to hear that it's the first thing you say after hearing news about a parent tragically dying.
When my dear Grandma died, my narcissistic mother seemed very sad. But after her saying 'she was now the orphan without her mother' and therefore the most sad of us all, I knew something was off. Totally ignoring the feelings of other family members. It still took me 15 years to understand what happened there...thank you for this channel Dr. Ramani!!!
I was softly crying at the funeral of my narcissistic husband's grandfather. I wasn't inconsolably sobbing. However, my husband walked up to me and told me to shut up and quit crying because I was embarrassing him. The same happened when his dad died. I'll never forget the shock I felt. It all makes sense now.
This explains sooo much. My spouse went from, “ I love you and will do anything for you, you need to forgive me”. To: “We’re not married, you deserve nothing but contempt.” No tears, only immediate disdain towards me. I tried to figure how “love , love , love” changed to “ get out of my face!” So fast.
I received a weeping, “I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused” about 6 months after he dropped the bomb on the marriage and ran off with JustAFriend 20 years his junior. I suspect he was grieving for himself due to “trouble in paradise” with JAF. They must have quickly reconciled since, just a few weeks later, he reverted back to being a monstering, punishing Narc and I, once again, became the worst mistake he ever made (his words).
@@bettywoo1335 I feel for you, I really do. My narc tonight finally admitted sleeping with another man. Even knowing what they are and how awful they are. It still hurts like hell doesnt it?
One of the few phone calls I had after a cruel and blindsided discard with my spouse turned into a rage about how their business partner had breast cancer and now the lions share of work would be put on them. 😳 I remember taking the phone from my ear and staring at it and saying, “this isn’t about you” At the time I knew nothing about narcissism. It is truly a heartbreaking condition for all involved. Thank you Dr Ramani for validating all the insanity that comes with this crap. 💪🏼💐
This video was very helpful to me as my mother passed away last week. My narcissistic sister ('narcissister') is already in fine form trying to control everything that is happening. She is being phony nice; it makes me want to throw up. She wants to show my father that she is being civilized to my other sister, whom she hates for no valid reason, and doing the right thing. It’s all a show. She just wants money and whatever prize possessions she can take of Mom’s. We took turns picking from her clothes and jewelry. I picked things for my daughter. She picked nothing for her daughters. We even suspect that she has already taken some of Mom's things without telling anyone. My narcissistic sister was even being competitive towards me at the foot of my mother’s hospital bed as Mom lay so close to death. She had to get her two daughters there as soon as she found out my daughter had been there the previous day even though my daughter was spooked because her grandma did not recognize her. My father is a quiet person and wanted to limit the number of people in the room. My narcissistic sister thinks now that she has been civilized for a few days she is somehow back “in” with the family. Sorry, it will take a lot more than that. And oh yes, she is somehow mad at my mother for not hanging in for a couple more months for her mile-marker birthday. I wish she would just stop pushing all the buttons that make me feel guilty and inadequate and leave us to grieve in peace. Three other children also lost their mother. My father lost his wife of 65 years. It’s Not just about You, narcissister!
When my mother died, my father appeared to be grieving but was courting attention from any woman he was associated with. He told us that she was only a part of our lives but was his whole life so basically our loss was far less. He would never acknowledge our need to talk about her or mark her anniversary. Now I have a word for how that made us feel... invalidated. Thank-you for this insight Dr Ramani! It helps to understand what is happening.
I can totallyyyyyy relate to this- 'Even in grief, the narcissist has to win' 👏 while I used to get upset over things, he made me feel that his pain was greater than mine. Oh my good Lord! Little did I know he was going to ghost me or who knows actually discard me while ranting about his heavy heart. Never have I ever met anyone who claims to love you so much and just walks over you.
Did he hoover you or left you for good (hopefully)? How did you handle the ghosting, was it traumatic? How did you cope? I'm going through it now... Just experienced such dihumani sing thing....
A narcissist grief seems to turn into uncontrolled anger and if you are the scapegoat of the family, watch out! I had to go no contact because the narcissist is trying to destroy me.
Yep yep.... me too. Malignant narc older brother who was the caretaker of my elderly dad, scapegoated me for decades but once my mom passed and my dad became infirm a few years later, that was the beginning of the end for my dad and there was nothing I could do. Brother just ramped up the scapegoating and increasingly isolated my dad and me from each other. When my dad begged me to get him out of there because he was in fear of his life, and I called APS to do an investigation because elder abuse (medical and emotional) was going on, he became completely enraged and sicced his lawyer on me. For two years I went no contact with everybody (had no choice because the lawyer had sent me a restraining order and I didn’t want my brother to punish my dad further, because he’d become the scapegoat in my absence) and then my dad died and I was never told, although my brother and his flying monkey wife and my nieces had known for weeks. Instead of apologizing and showing a shred of empathy my brother ramped the torment up even more..: first they ordered the funeral home to bar me from seeing my dad - I threatened the funeral home with a lawsuit in turn and then they magically opened to me after they had “gotten permission from Dr. Maloof to allow me in.” Then he intentionally gave me the wrong start time for the funeral. Among other horrible things. He honestly threw every tactic and stratagem he could come up with at me for the sole purpose of destroying and devastating me, now that he had destroyed and devastated our dad. I had to cut him and his flying monkey wifebot off forever, writing them a harshly worded letter that although I forgave them because I promised my dad I would, they were to never contact me again or face some serious consequences of their own. Nope. Narcs don’t feel grief in the same way normal people do at all. My brother was grieving for sure, but he was grieving not our beloved dad but the loss of his entrapped narcissistic supply, the loss of a scapegoat, the loss of looking good to his church, friends and relatives as the heroically selfless, doting son sacrificing so much, etc. etc. My faith and my vow to my dad require me to pray for him and I will gladly do so for the rest of my life, but my God, when I think of all the damage he has done to so many people ..... having a mental disorder does not begin to sufficiently explain or justify what he has done. Or what other narcissists have done and are doing per the comments of other subscribers here. Their insatiable hunger to destroy, devastate and cause pain in an endless quest to subjugate the will of the world around them to their own and bring to its knees and kiss the ring. I see it as pure evil.
This is correct . My narcissistic sisters never grieved for my parents when they passed . Their reasoning was that our parents had lived long enough and it was time to make room for my sisters to recieve money , etc ... " Okay , they died . So what ? " was the response .
My mother died 6 years ago and my sister was histrionic in her grief. She treated my mum like the hired help when she was alive, for childcare. She'd moved to a nicer neighbourhood, and got a good job. FAir enough. but she looked down on my mother as if she was poor and inferior. The minute she died my sister was beside herself with grief. When you mentioned the competitive element of grief, and how she had to 'win' at grieving, I laughed out loud. That was my sister. Had to always be superior. I no longer talk to her. Cut her off completely, even though I love my nieces who are still young.
You commented a year ago, but I had to reply. My sister's daughter and I have spent some time together this past year. My sister is a narc who actually seems to be working on herself now for the past 5 years. BUT...when I found out how crazy it was for my niece growing up with my sister as her mom, I was so upset...you see I didn't notice my sister's narcissism until my niece moved out of her home. Then I became her supply and I lived through about a decade with her of intense gaslighting and blaming and crazy-making until she one day decided she would become a better person. When my niece and I started having heart-to-hearts long distance and then twice in person this past year, it broke my heart to hear how my sister used the little girl and then teen growing up as supply to fuel her ego...it was ugly, and I was oblivious to it back then even though I did all kinds of fun things with her and my nephew away from the home and was at holiday meals, etc. In fact, my niece even told me that as a child she used to fantasize that I was her mom. That made me cry for her. If at all possible, keep in touch with your nieces. You may be the only sane and loving adult in their lives.
I wasn't prepared....I didn't know.....my mother is the queen narcissist....and just as you said it's as if no one else was experiencing the loss of my father except her, not even his children. Irony when he was alive she was absolutely venomous toward him, she would never leave a good hair on his head, after he passed it was as if they had the greatest love affair of all time. The second and more devastating part to this is I am the scapegoat child everything has always been my fault for as long as I have a memory for. My sibling is the golden child and the narcissistic baton was passed to her, and she was out laughing w her friends within a month, when the show was over (the funeral) and no one was no longer looking she began a smear campaign against me. She tried to steal my inheritance, and tried to convince people I couldn't even tie my own shoes, let alone take care of my mother....and my mother just allowed herself to be wrapped up in baby narcissists arms. Now all the manipulation and decisions they made without so much as including me for the smallest decisions as to what happens next are all crashing in on them. The day I lost my father, was the day I lost my entire family, I was orphaned that day. The pain has been immense, and the betrayal unforgivable.
@@danieb4273 I also know all too well how you feel. It's almost the same exact situation. My mother treated my dad like garbage his whole life and even on his death bed. Now she hams it up to anyone who will listen as if they had the greatest love story of all time. It makes me sick. She also smears me to anyone who will listen. She knows I know the truth about her, so she's trying to make me out to be crazy, callous, greedy... basically she's projecting everything she is onto me. All the while she's hounding me, threatening me, doing all she can to get me to snap. But I won't. I'm just trying to keep my distance. Which means I have to also keep my distance from my entire family, because she's the gatekeeper of all of them. It's so profoundly isolating and depressing. I've been in counseling and that's been helping. Idk what I would have done without it. I hope you are in a good support group or counseling of some sort. Stay strong. We are better off without their toxicity. I hope we all make ourselves new families, consisting of mentally healthy friends. It's especially difficult during quarentine to connect with new people. It's hard enough to try to trust anyone again when the ones who were suppose to love you... just didn't. Now is our time to learn to love OURSELVES! Lord knows the narcs in our lives don't want us to love & respect ourselves. But they aren't in charge anymore. Sometimes random comments from strangers on youtube is all the support we've got. At least it helps to know we're not the only ones in the world going through this kind of thing.
Lolol that might depend on who died for me. I spent my entire childhood stepping and fetching for my granny who all my friends likened to the grandmother from Flowers in the Attic. I did not gain anything from her death that is tangible but the peace I got could fill up a truck. Lol
@Truth Teller See? I don't think that's unreasonable. Carrying 200 pounds on your shoulders your whole life means RELIEF when the 200 pounds gets taken off of them.
@Truth Teller My therapist told me his thoughts about his parents: "Why don't you just die!", to show me it was okay for me to think the same and not feel guilty about it.
When my Dad was on his deathbed and on morphine , he was slipping away. He looked at my mother and whispered the word perfect. To this day she is sure he meant her. On the day of my Dads funeral, I once again became the scapegoat to my sister and mother. And I had a rare moment of standing up for myself, finally. That was not a day I wanted to poison with fighting. But I just was in grief, in a very defeated place, and had to say something to them when they started to pick a fight with me. That night mom insisted I go with her to a party where she had a big smile on her face and was singing and clapping to the entertainment. I felt like I was in the Twighlight zone. At 86 she had a new boyfriend within about two weeks but then things do move fast in the senior living facility.
My narcissistic mother was angry that everyone's attention wasn't on her instead of on my dying father. He suffered a long slow death from lung cancer. He was a very empathetic and loving person. She made the last 6 months agony for everyone because of her selfish, egotistical ways. On the advice of my doctor and my soul I divorced my mother after that experience. I also came to realize how much she had tried to destroy my confidence and my father's love for me all my younger years and how physically and emotionally abusive she had been to me. I did not see her before she passed 8 years later. I have forgiven her now but the pain can still be TRIGGERED and I struggle with chosing healthy loving relationships and feeling love. I am over 70 and would love to share my life with someone. Being an empath like my dad I fear I attract narcissists.
Jeezis. I found the one with the most complaints in case my mother is going to expect me to take care of that for her. I’m not kidding Willowbrook nursing home in Houston. She damn sure better not or that’s what it’s going to be. Scapegoat here too so don’t I know how they show their asses around funerals and wills and shit. I don’t know about you but even if I find out about it years later mine’s getting the obituary she deserves. At some point she even told me she didn’t want a funeral. Told her take your guilt trip somewhere else I see through you but I’ll take you up on that LOL. Who knows if it’s because she wants to think as a scapegoat I am an embarrassment or if it’s because she realizes ain’t nobody coming. Maybe she doesn’t want me finding out some secret part of her life, as if I could care or be surprised at this point. Probably though she realized when somebody at my dad’s funeral shaking my hand said he didn’t realize my father had “another” son (referring to me) that at some point they’ve underestimated how stupid we can be kept. They’re so horrible. It was a relief when my father died so I can only imagine it will be similar knowing there’s finally no chance of her turning back up either. That expression about the twilight zone… Funny, I’ve said the same thing.
My ex used his mother's death as the excuse for abandoning our son. He stated that since his mom's death he no longer stresses himself over anything or anyone. Our son was 10 at the time. Although at first my son and I felt the abandonment hard, soon we realized what narcissism was and 12 years later feel blessed that we didn't have him in our daily lives because we are free and in peace.
Can a narcissist also be bipolar? I'm married to a narcissist. I didn't know it in the beginning. Until I started doing research. And, now I've completely shut down. I don't have any conversation with her. I came across your video's. It's feel refreshing to finally know I not crazy! She's destroyed everything in me about reality. After, I get out of this marriage, I'm going to need a lot of counseling! I'm so empty,. I don't know who I am anymore! Thanks! For helping me understand the mental condition. Hopefully, I can recover Dr. Ramani! Your the best!
What an incredibly interesting video. My father died three days ago. My mother is devastated. They’re both massive narcissists. Oh the things I could tell... I could go on for weeks. I just love this channel. I didn’t cry a single tear. After three days I feel nothing at all. And I hope it stays that way.
Not too many men responding. Surely there just as many getting the abuse as the lady's. When a close narcissist dies, you might feel relief at first then maybe feel that haunting, of feeling you still need to live that life that was told to you a long time ago. Hopefully you recover and live a happy life.
I’m so glad its not just me! I got my first hint that he was a narcissist shortly after we were married, when I made him go to his mother’s Dr. appointment, with a list of questions about home health, etc. Instead, he asked what medications she’s taking, what they’re for, and when she would improve. The Dr. had to explain that one doesn’t improve from advanced Alzheimer’s. Duh! Then he came home and acted distraught. “Why is this happening to me?” It isn’t. It’s happening to HER! Then the rage and narcissistic abuse started. A year later, I found myself literally escaping in the middle of the night when he wasn’t home. He died recently, and I quite literally felt relief.
The realisation that family members are narcissistic can cause grieving in non narcissistic members of the family because you learn that non of the relationships were authentic, they don't love you and never have done and that can come as a terrible blow (especially when there are a number of narcissists in the family), it can be like losing a number of family members at the same time, like in a car crash.
My family experienced a tragic loss when I was 14. We lost a beautiful young mother and her toddler to a drunk driver. Our family never recovered from that grief over 40 years ago. The family primary caregiver went into a depressed state which was followed by serious mental breakdown. I guess the depression finally went away, but it tainted the relationship between parent and child. That child is now over 60, but the trauma lives on. Believe that narcissists can grieve and it will be done in a way that everyone will be dragged down. Healing is not a concept they can work with.
I was discarded by my narcissistic partner during the beginning of lockdown. I didn't hear from him for a month, completely no contact and when I finally did, he already moved on and did not even showed any concern regarding my wellbeing during that time with 0 contact. That was the cue I finally needed to cut him lose.
Mine did the same thing , he reappeared 08/2021 to complain about the new person he left me for. I listened attentively but no longer felt empathy. I had already started listening to Dr. Ramani and had gone thru my stages of loss of the relationship. I gently an d kindly BUT firmly told him this would continue to happen to him because he uses people to stroke his ego and make himself feel good due to his insecurities and emptiness inside. He never called again. I felt a personal triumph.
My dad started giving away my mum's things when she was in hospital and still alive. The day after she died, the moment he woke up, the first thing he did was throwing away one of her dried flowers bouquets (that she loved) right in front of us when we were having breakfast, saying that "we don't need that now". I will never forget the violence of that gesture. I cannot understand how someone like him, who basically couldn't wait for her to die (she was disrupting his sleep whilst dying from cancer), can experience grief. I hear what Dr Ramani says, but for me he didn't grieve. He just needed to deal with how he would live after she was gone (he was already checking pension and flats to move to 3 months before she left us).
When I was sixteen my grandparents died in the span of 1 month, they lived with us. My mother one day when I was trying to comfort her after they passed away said that I "had no right to grieve because they were her parents". I took care of my grandparents before and after school along with my younger siblings, while she pranced around and had affairs on my father (just found this out this year I am 24 now) This cut me deep and when I told people they said "well she is grieving, you have to show compassion". It is still hard for me to think she can feel anything after the things she has done and said to me and my siblings. Thank you for your videos I have been finding them very helpful in dealing with the abuse and how to get better after finally getting away from her.
Your mom said that to hurt you, to try to assuage her own guilt. She feels guilty because she isn't grieving. She knew they would die one day and she's been prepared for a long time, and now she can control all the narratives about them, and it's what she wanted.
When my father passed away. My narrissist mother, had my dads clothes in a garage bag. He wasn't even buried yet. I had his clothes in my car for 3 weeks, until I could deal with getting rid of them. I was very close to my dad...sad!
same with my narc mother, when I lost my dad who I was closed to, and she never said is there anything you would like she told everything that was valuable
This really hits home. There is someone I know whom I believe to be a narc and has just loss their daughter(the blk sheep that could do no rt). With this loss he went into a full rage and began to berate the dead daughter for a full week. It was too intense for me.
@Dennis Rue yea and when I shut down and stopped all communication and detoxed from all the negativity he emailed me and accused me of abandoning him in his time of need. As an empath I couldn't take it. His darkness was overwhelming.
My brother died suddenly and my nmom went straight to get meds to numb the feelings from the doctor, wouldn’t talk about him and still won’t really talk about him 5 1/2 years later. She wouldn’t come into the room at all while he was on life support or to be there when he was taken off of it. I’m grateful that my dad was there with me at least. She acted as though her grief was so much worse than my dad’s and mine. My brother was in scapegoat mode when he died (we switched back and forth) and she still acts like she has a grudge against him. It’s as if she resents him for dying. I also feel like she shames me for holding onto the good memories of him rather than the ones of the times he was struggling. It’s all perplexed me for years. This video is very validating. Thank you.
I finally reached out to my aunt recently about my relationship with my narcissistic parents we both knew my dad was always one and the abuse was clear but I was sharing why I suspect my mom is also one and my aunt told me their family always knew my mom had a bad victim mentality. My aunt lost her daughter many years back when she was just a teenager and she acknowledged how my mom was like this during the funeral. My mom was lashing out at everyone and being controlling and raging how bad it was for her to lose her niece but I told my aunt how weird it felt as a kid to notice my mom wasn’t thinking about her sister losing HER daughter. And for years my mom would bring up her daughters death in arguments saying things like “WELL AT LEAST ALL MY KIDS ARE ALIVE BECAUSE IM A CARING MOM UNLIKE YOU” to win arguments whenever my aunt tried to give my mom advice or criticism. I was just a kid back then and I had my own uphill battle trying to help my mom get away from my abusive dad who I also thought was the only narcissist back then and my mom never noticed when I was having multiple suicide attempts and she made mocked me for always crying silently and her not noticing even when I’m in the car with her alone. Looking back on it and listening to this video makes me realize my mom is definitely a narcissist and she confuses her over carding and controlling impulse with empathy and care for other peoples’ experiences. I haven’t cried in years and I doubted myself thinking I was the narcissist like my mom always accused me of but recently I can’t stop crying again after reaching out to my mom’s siblings and my brother. My brother is the golden child but he always knew what the rest of us went through emotionally and he finally stood up to mom and she shut him down. He came back to me crying and all he could say was he was sorry that he didn’t have the right words to defend me against her invalidations against all of us as if there was anything he could’ve said that would have gotten through to my mom or dad and it made me feel awful but also glad to finally have a real connection with my brother emotionally for the first time where we acknowledged each other’s realities rather than defending ourselves against each other
Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I had a similar experience with my parents, and it helps to not feel so alone. They are both dead now and I’m left with the realisation that my family is toxic and none of it my fault . Bless us both for surviving this pain 🙏 proud of us 🙏
When my grandmother died, her daughter, my mum told me and my siblings that we were not to cry or show emotions at the funeral as it showed weakness. We had to obey! I turned my grief inward and dealt privately with it but was always confused as to why my mum said this. Many years later I discovered narcissism and found my answer!
When my mother passed away my father was selling stuff at a garage sale without asking us what we wanted. He sold the house and moved across country within 3 months.
In truth. My husband of almost fifty years was a narc. I never knew how to describe his behavior, I was always confused and walking on eggshells. He became an alcoholic and very, very obese when he retired. I took complete care of him, driving him to his many medical appts, cooking three course complicated dinners, running errands, treating his injuries, he was furious with me for calling an ambulance when his pacemaker started firing off. He died of septic shock and organ failure in under a week. To be honest, that was last year. I’ve never cried, I feel like I can finally start living a normal life with no anxiety or fear. I cannot really share this with most people because he put on a fake show for everyone else
Am going through exactly this: mom died this month; my father is the narcissist. His reaction has indeed been egocentric and upsetting to me, but not unexpected, and it has provided me the final emotional permission I required to go no-contact. Mom is no longer dad’s hostage. I have arranged for dad to receive good ongoing care. I am out. Dr. Ramani’s observations are, as usual, spot-on. Thank you.
When my Dad died I was heartbroken and I shared my grief with the people I felt closest to. So, that's when I realized one of them was a malignant narcissist (even though I didn't know the term at the time). There had been red flags, but she was a very good actress and I'm a very forgiving person. This time she crossed the final line and I saw the truth of her. There was no going back even though I lost some family ties. I'm grieving over those as well.
Amazing. I feel like you just told my story. These stories repeat themselves... the repititious patterns over and over. I honestly feel like a lot of my healing is putting a name to the harmful hateful behavior and realizing I am not alone... Absolutely not alone. Hugs.
I grieved my brothers death ,sudden death, my narcissist husband hit me! I could never figure him out . now I am suddenly starting to understand. Thank you so very much!
It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with😏 but my therapist of 8 yrs passed away tragically in a car accident. I’ve been seeing her for eight years three times a week to deal with childhood trauma and abuse so you can imagine the bond I had with this lady and how close we were🤷♀️ I moved to another state with my partner and because of some of the issues we were having due to her narcissism which I didn’t even know about or what it was, I was calling that therapist to try to get back into therapy over the phone or something To get help dealing with my relationship issues so I went to her website to email her obituary popped up😳 this was how I found out about it! So of course I started crying and had no bit of trouble catching my breath because I was really caught off guard and stung because I just found out that I lost probably the most important person in my life and when I say that I mean that she has saved my life literally more than once! My narcissistic partners response to that was” you can’t be upset I need you right now you cannot fall apart because you have to take care of me”😳 Wait a minute, what? I was absolutely floored and confused doesn’t even begin to describe it. How could the person I love that loves me actually treat me like that and say that to me at a moment when I needed her so much? I would’ve been OK if she just hugged me and let me cry for a minute,and said I’m sorry baby I know how much she meant to you ,I’m here for you🤷♀️ Instead I got met with that so I am mediately stopped crying ,wipe my tears away and never brought it up again to anyone😔 So I’ve been walking around with that grief that I’ve never even dealt with and she never even asked me the next day or ever again if I was OK or how I was doing with it it was like it never happened 5 minutes after I found out
At my father’s funeral, his pastor briefly mentioned my mother but I was not mentioned at all. My narcissistic mother complained and complained about it - “I did a lot more for your father” but had no empathy for me being excluded - “well what did you expect from that pastor?” My parents were divorced at the time of his death. She had divorced him and still felt entitled to top billing. I had not yet learned about narcissism. This makes sense now. Thank you for this video.
my narc mother went out with her pastor after my dad's death and I had to keep it secret when I was a kid, and not talk to congregation members on the phone.
Very helpful, specially in the present situations where we are grief-stricken by the multiple losses and consequences of the pandemic. We see denial, anger, seeking scapegoats and the need to identify people who can be considered as responsible and who need to be punished in order to ward off the evil spirits sometimes override the true need for compassion, solidarity, cohesion, cooperation and collaboration
In the absence of other details, that"s actually a healthy way of looking at dying. We all die and if people we care about had a decent "innings" (longevity) then we can accept that. Many ancient cultures celebrate death and that is generally more healthy assuming that it's a compassionate and understanding response.
wow, that sounds like my golden child sister, when I said Im afraid about my very old cat and our old parents, she replied like they are old, they can die anytime, it is normal... like there was no empathy, no feelings, like a robot :O
I’m so sorry. I remember when my grandmother died and my sister said “people die, get over it!” I don’t truly feel like she would grieve if our parents died 😔 she’d probably just resent that they did.
Her videos have been so inspiring. I figured out my friend of more than 10 years was a covert narcissist. She would do so many passive aggressive things like trying to make me late for work or if we went out and people would approach me instead of her . She would be livid but she never made it obvious then o would reflect on her behavior and why she would make me feel so small. I started putting all the dots together and it freaked me out. I felt so oblivious and mad at myself that I didn’t realize how she was using and playing me the entire time. Her charm is incredible. I’m sure her family has an inkling about her but her circle of friends are wrapped around her finger. She completely changes how she behaves around those she views as successful. I stopped talking to her after taking mental abuse for so long and started watching dr Armani’s video and so much adds up now
My narc sibling couldn't wait for mom to pass away, although terminal with cancer, so she helped herself to 50K. After that she (and all her heirs) were specifically excluded from ANY inheritance. She ended up giving back the 50K after two lawyers advised her to do so. In the end she got NOTHING which would have been over six figures if she had left things alone. Pure Karma...she always despised my mom...but was fake nice to her when she wanted something from her, usually money. Couldn't even show her face at the funeral...which was a good thing for everyone.
mine "grieved" by tattooing "stay away" onto his own leg, harrassing me with text messages and telling me everything i ever wanted to hear while blaming me for his mental collapse at the same time. it was terrifying. it was like he worshipped me yet wanted to kill me at the same time.
From my experiences, I find that the malignant narcissist tries to Hoover their scapegoat when not knowing how to deal with their emotions (in this case, grief), but in the best case their attempt is met with rejection. That rejection causes a narcissistic injury, so they turn their already present anger towards the scapegoat. I feel like the malignant narcissist look for that expected rejection to try to validate being angry.
I’m going through this now with the loss of my grandmother. She had cancer and I stayed with her and the toxic family to care for her. I’m now financially stuck and trying to find a way out. What makes it worse...it’s my father, who lived with her and mooched supply and money etc off of her his entire life and he has his act of being “dad of the year” down pat for others and what actually happens at home is quite different. He acts like he cared for her all alone, gives me no credit for all I did. He actually plays up and uses his grieving son act to get more sympathy from others and paints me to be insensitive to his experience, invalidating my experience-completely. I’m beyond playing along and while I don’t call him out (bc it insights his rage), I simply cannot play along anymore. It’s been a nightmare.
Aimee i feel your pain. Went through this in 1983 when my grandmother died..i sacrificed college and work. Dad came in and swooped the assets left me homeless and broke. You will survive and learn to depend on the kindness of strangers...
This sounds challenging, and I hope you have a good friend to listen and be there for you. Friends or even a pet dog or cat, etc (not the same as human I know but they will listen and stay near you) help by hearing your thoughts when a toxic family or family member disallows another person's grief.
@@Coral_Forever I have a doggie and 4 kittens were abandoned in my shed tight after my granny passed away so I have a whole troop of furry friends! Wild animals visit me as well! I’ve dove into inner healing and gotten very spiritual since it all happened and have opened up to much outside support. Working on opening my heart and trusting others to help me get through this. Trusting others has been the most challenging part, but I’m making progress.
My ex carried on and on, weeping copiously about his terminally ill brother. I would not have the brother in my home because of his notoriously violent temper, NamVet flashbacks, immense strength, plus fecal incontinence and horrible hygeine (later learned he was Hep C positive). However, I invited the brother to family meals. I did ALL the work to get him into low-income senior housing, a handicapped accessible apartment. I did the extensive intake process for Hospice, furnished the apartment, bought him food, etc. Meanwhile, my narc husband persuaded his secret lover to let both him and his brother move in with HER a month later. It would have been ironically funny, if narc had not threatened physical harm to both me and my sister. It was a messy, scary process, but I am free and happy now.
I have lost my dad a few years ago and my divorced narc mother has turned on me. Ive always been the scapegoat child but ive ad to go no contact for my own sanity. I havent been able to grieve properly for my dad and the absence of a mother and I am still struggling. Thank you Dr Ramani for covering this subject. It has made me feel less alone.
Exactly this happened when my Mother passed away... my sister and her daughters did not even called me, and asked me how am I, they ghosted me even many years after .. on the 2nd day of the death, I have met with the youngest daughter on the street, I was totally depressed so did not realize that it is her, and she walked away and said hello with a smile!! It was like a nightmare... then I started to search what can be the reason for the behaviour and realized very slowly the narcissistic pattern in the family....
I'd love to learn more about grieving the death of a narcissist parent. I know I can't be the only one who's been through this, and I think it would help to hear more about what the family dynamics are like for others who experience this.
In my experience with that, your damned if you do and damned if you dont, people expect to see a certain kind of grieving, when you dont have that kind of grieving within you, it is best to not pretend you do. If you dont have grief within you, dont give yourself grief. I just say to people, what do you want me to say? How do you want me to act? What do you want to see? . I had enough of serving people what they want !!!
I didn't grieve the death of either parent. My father's speciality was humiliating me as often as possible. My mother proudly announced that she'd spiked my milk with brandy when I was an infant and tried to smother me with a pillow when I was 2. And sooo much more...So, no. I didn't grieve their passing. Subsequently I suppose I grieve what could or might have been.
@@richardburmeister5776 Totally understand!! I could not stand to be around my parents, they supported the person who sexually abused me for 4 years and had the nerve to ask me if I was trying to shame the family. No love loss, no grief.
I just felt relief when my dad passed away. Witch in turn made me sad that I had that feeling of relief, soon realizing I had no reason to be sad about this loss. (horrible psychopath) Then my mom passed, a very damaged women who I took care of for most of my life and was just worn out and luckily passed in her sleep. This was also relief, mostly because of the peace she deserved and apparently couldn't get in life. That leaves me with a narc sister who is milking every drama from small to the bigger things, never having paid attention to her mother in any significant way now has a fricking altar and is the bereft daughter and needs all the attention in the world, especially she need to be told how sad it is for her to have this loss or whatever else dramatic is whisked up on a daily basis.
My ex wife made tons of jokes at funerals and never let sad emotions show. Even at her own sister's funeral (age 35), she seemed surprisingly level headed. Weird
My SILs dad died. Her mom called after a week crying requesting her to come over. My SIL said - "it will take an hour . I don't have time. " My SIL went to beauty parlor after that for 3 hrs.
My grandmother passed away when I was 12. I am 36, and my mom still talks about how she "couldn't be there." When my grandma died, because she was at my sister's graduation. In the beginning it felt like she was just sad, to not be there. But over the years as she kept beating herself up over it. I never understood why she couldn't just realize that she wasn't there, but my grandma didn't die alone (2 of my aunts were there). But she always says I was supposed to be there for MY mom. She was going to come stay with ME, after we got back. To her it's more about the need to have been the ONE there for my grandma. Because my mom was her helper, being her helper is what stroked her ego. It's about that others get to say they were there for my grandma, others get to tell the story. She thinks it makes her look bad, mind you my mom had not lived near my grand ma for over 30 years at that point.
I feel like I am both a narcissist and not a narcissist bc I seem to flip back and forth. It is SO wonderful to feel that I’m finally in the right place where I can learn how to overcome and heal. I feel like I’ve been fighting an imaginary battle in my head for most of my life in order to stay sane.
... The grieving narc will discuss only the drama-filled moment of the deceased's life... still rejoicing in gossip, versus the remembrance of the person's life... They will tell and re-tell the same stories, every time the name of the deceased is mentioned. They will brag if they can about the achievements of the deceased as if they were their own
My sister who is a narcissist said to me when our mother passed away " she was already dead a long time ago" and she add " my bros and myself are usless" ...since that day I cut her of my life and there's less drama and I have a peace of mind... sometimes siblings are the worst !!!!! God blessed you all.
Dear Dr. Ramani, Sadly, my younger brother just recently took his own life, and unbeknownst to me, he had traits of NPD, from my mother. She too is a true Narcissist, and I am the Scape Goat. It's a very challenged and strained relationship. She will not change; no empathy, constantly gaslight and in denial. Thank you for helping me recognize and learn about this personality disorder.
Thank you so much it happened to me 6 weeks ago. My beloved mum died after 10 years of cancer. Now its easier to understand my fathers reactions. Knowledge is soo important. I found your channel at the right time.
When my mom died in 1979 when I was 13, my father appeared not to grieve and quickly moved on. My father, brother and I didn't speak about my mother after she died, and it's only now, at age 57, that I realize how detrimental this was. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for clarifying this.
When I was 26, I discovered the infidelity of my narc ex. He ran away with the girl so he wouldn't have to face my questions and a broken heart.
I went to my mother for support, but she just laughed when she saw me cry and said that I deserved it and I wouldn't live with her. She kicked me out on the street. My sister watched it all coldly.
The triple betrayal hurt so much that I decided to commit suicide. I felt like I had no one in the world, so I'll end it. I walked to the bridge to jump, and then I hear a strong voice inside me that said something like look at this and suddenly I saw my funeral, my parents and my sister pretending to be sad, and after the funeral their day continues as if nothing special had happened. And the other day as well... That's when I realized I wasn't sacrificing my live for them.
I am 38 now. I found out that all three have a narcissistic personality disorder only this year. I'm glad I had that vision of my funeral, even though I don't understand where it came from, but I had a strong feeling it was true. Although at that time, I didn't think my family was callous. On the contrary, I thought I was useless in the world. I cannot explain that vision but it saved my life. :-)
So glad you didn't commit suicide!
🤗 🤗 🤗
That was definitely a God thing showing you you are worth so much more
Julienna, Please stand strong. I have lived with narcs all of my life. I was born into it and then kept it going with 2 husbands and after divorcing 15 years ago...several narc and jerk dating at the age of 65. I haven't dated in 3 years, keeping safe. I have contemplated suicide many times...but I am going to stick it out! The one thing I have asked and demanded that if/when I do die, ex or my sister will NEVER be notified. My ex narc daughter will not know and neither will me sister they get NOTHING!!. It is time for we narc survivors stand on our own and not let them on the stage they like to perform on. Block, cut off and even if the only thing you have is a dog or cat. You have won!!!! Be brave and study study study. Please check out The Royal We. He talks a lot about family narcs. Take care and you can do this! stay sweet and strong and wise.
Damn, this is inspiring, I too had a similar experience but not this deep.
Jesus is real. He saved my life too. Never give up. There will be evil just like there is good. Following Jesus has given me peace beyond anything this world can give, and has helped me heal from narcissistic abuse as well. You are not alone.
It can look like a narcissist is grieving, but all they really care about is themselves. They are grieving their loss of supply.
👋
But, aren't we all?! We lose someone we love.. We grieve our loss of love supply.
Well said NS
@@MM-qg5xh Well said. I agree. People like to hate on narcissistic people, but most people I’ve seen are selfish, hypocritical, judgmental, and contradictory.
Normal people when angered will start to yell but narcissist will plot and scheme when angered.
you will never be comforted by a narcissist
So true. It was a hard lesson for me to learn
Very true, and when they fake comfort you it truly makes your skin crawl.
Yep, it's so disingenuous.
YES! Whenever I turned to that friend searching for empathy I just got out feeling worse... 1. She, somehow, always makes it about her, 2. Tells me what to do, 3. Tells me how I should feel... and I didn't ask for a "how to" 😒 it's just not a friendly empathy... I hate when they belittle emotions of others
Never
The worst part of narcissism is the futility of hope that things will get better. I miss my precious granddaughter.
@@susie2366 your so right..I hoped my son would change but 6 years later he still won't speak to me..I've tried but he blocked me..when I asked why he hates me he gave vague reasons that had nothing to do with anything..I know in my heart I was a good parent who loves him..but he won't acknowledge me
THIS WAS MY FIRST NARC FREE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I SPENT IT ALONE
Bro, this is how I will spend this Christmas, I have declared jihad on all the narcs in my life. IDGAF!
It is still really painful. Each holiday I spend alone, I AM relived to be without the stress and pain, but I grieve all over again that all the family are either narcs, or too selfish to EVER come home 600 miles for me. I go there; they never come here. When in the heck will I be able to stop grieving the loss of ever having a family worth having (It's been 5 years)? When I find a substitute? I don't trust people enough to get that close.
Oddly, even though you were alone, you were deeply blessed to be free of the usual Narc abuse, and to not have to watch the callous, selfish hypocrisy that goes on at some family gatherings. I empathize with you.
@@marilyncarlson7097 it IS very hard to have to realize that your family will always be selfish, entitled, unfeeling and unkind. Eventually you might come to realize that you are way better off just letting go of the hopes and dreams that will never be. Looking forward, find good friends that you can relate to, empathize with and share with, and leave selfish family behind. 😘
I´ve spent 8 years alone during Christmas, and it was extremely painful at first. But now I´m sure it could be much worse if I was by my disfunctional relatives
They ''grieve'' the asset not the person.
That's an excellent way to put it.
Perfect choice of words
That was brilliantly stated!
That's Profound. But True and Spot on. Frankly, to bad and it's their lose.
ahh I love that! My name is Tessa (asset spelled backwards) and I am a reminder to my entire narcissistic family that human beings are not assets! They're tessas lol some of them xD I was born to a family full of narcissists hahaha my whole family is either abusive or passive :') I'm the feeler of the family. If anything I think i might be a grandiose narcissist but i don't hurt people, I intentionally try to minimize the harm I cause to others.
LOL *goes back to daydreaming about living in a tinyhome I built somewhere in the mountains*
These people are truly sick and wretched. A normal person grieves because they miss the essence of a loved one; a narcissist grieves because they miss the loss of what that person did for them. Truly sad.
They see others’ kindness as tool and forgiveness as weaknesses they can “reuse”. Really shocking but true. And they really are proud that they could control you, see your suffering as nothing happens. I mean hubby and wife who are closest to them. Tragedy.
Well said :)
Greetings: ( USA 🇺🇸) btw: Doctor Lovely 😊 Ramani, thank you: again, Doctor Lovely 😊 Ramani, thank you
Greetings: ( USA 🇺🇸) : btw: the presentation is outstanding: again, the presentation is outstanding
Greetings: : ( USA 🇺🇸) : fwiw: Enormous Hug 🤗, Love ❤️, Be very, very, very safe, wishing you a blessed glorious day and , in thanksgiving, GOD BLess
They miss what the dead person could do for them. They don't miss the person and their character.
Truth!
My ex narcs mother was a week in hospital and died of a heart attact. He never said anyting although his sister told him. I was beyond shocked. He also told me when we met that his father is dead. Not true. He died years later and when the narc when missing i found out he was at the funeral. Deep mental illness.
Exactly so.
Grieve requires feelings and a soul, two things a narcissist lacks.
Amen
You are doing a wonderful service to the humanity. So many people do not realize that they are living with a narcissist person.
Dr Ramani sure has helped me to understand the dynamics I have endured for a lifetime with my narcissistic brother, and I am now figuring out the dynamics of my failing marriage.
So truee, god bless her ,!!!
Ty for for sharing ur videos as it help me move on n understand d traits of a narcissist bcoz I' m a victim of it for 30yrs being together due to his womanizing nature replacing me to a 16 now turns 18 yrs of age. And it thru d many videos i' ve been listening n yours has a very good way of presenting it about the Narcissist w/ c is only now has given me to know who the person I was with. Thank you for sharing your videos n ds regard n God bless to you.
This is so true! I had no idea for like 6 years, but then i saw a video explaining what a narcissist was and i fell to my knees an cried because for years i thought i was crazy and the video i saw showed me that im not. It wasnt her but I appreciate her as well she has been helping me learn everything i can about them
Oh, WE KNOW, KNEW. We just didn’t all have a name for it. But your gut knows intuitively when you’re being abused/ neglected. At least for me…
if they have a histrionic tendency, grief is turned into a big show to get additional attention.
So true
Oh boy' did my narc nephew put on a show when his father passed, and then he put on a much bigger show once he realized that his step mother, somehow made sure he didn't receive any cash, which is what he was truly waiting for. Possibly wrong on her part, but I could care less, because they're two of the worst most demonic narcs I've ever come across in my 55 years on earth.
@ZIggy Darling Never enough for a narcissist.
Yes, the person I know loves getting attention by getting sympathy. She can still get emotional to get her supply.
Truth!
They only grieve when they lose narcissistic supply. I wouldn’t even call that grieving, it’s more like they panic and start planning how they can carrot-stick you back into their orbit.
SparkJoy This is absolutely true.
Yup it is not about you
Yes, like when you fail to go after them after being discarded.
jup! mine asked me
to stay friends, after I said no, he asked me to be his affair! Sick people
@@symkoko1776 It’s interesting how they all want to remain life long friends to keep you in the web. No thank you!
It’s my experience that you learn a lot about people and relatives by how they behave at funerals and at weddings.
My narcissist ex-wife had a histrionic streak, 9mo before she left me. We were having more sex in 2 months than we had for 14 years all together. In the middle of it, the mother of one of her long time friends died, and she goes to the funeral in very tight white pants, and a flowered fluffy blouse. She was stunning and wearing 3” heels. Everyone commented on how beautiful she was. When we got home we had a night of sex.
To this day I can’t forget how disturbing that was, but her beauty and control over me just made me close my eyes to that weird and inappropriate behavior.
@Bliss And Wellbeing That is so wrong. You are full of presumptions. You cannot judge people from how they look to you at funerals. Your aperception also mirrors YOUR inner situation. How can you judge how someone looks when they are grieving?
@@BrigitteGoodman You know the tree by its fruits...
Interesting that you mentioned weddings. There has not been a wedding/happy occasion that my narc. mother has not pulled one of her stunts. Usually by claiming some physical aliment during the ceremony or reception to pull the attention to her (or not showing up at all so that the topic of convo becomes "where is she?"). HOWEVER, she will always be there at a funeral and makes sure that everyone knows, she literally uses them as networking opportunities for new narc. supply.
I think you cannot judge anyone at a funeral, we all cope with grief differently.
what I have notice about narcissist's grief is that it is "self-pity" Ultimate objective is bringing all attention to themselves "standing in the spotlight" of public pity and adulation.
Yep. A histrionic show. They get supply from the false grief. A total drama that is inauthentic.
@@basantidevi2305 I think they really do feel some sort of grief but only for themselves....they are unable to feel compassion for anyone else. Only God can help them.
I was raised by my grandmother after mom came home pregnant at 15. As mom matured, she grew jealous and resentful of our bond. When Gram died, my mother said "I wonder if you'll grieve like that for me." She was too busy measuring the depth of my grief to shed a tear.
Micki Suzanne,You look gorgeous 🌹,You don’t need a narcissist in your life!
I've seen narcs grieve...they run to grab all the inheritance, clean out bank accounts, and rage when asked about what they're doing and justify their actions by explaining how deserving they are because everyone else is undeserving.
OMG this happened to me with my brother this January. 2022.. He came with a spreadsheet 5 days after we buried my mom... He came from a different state.... I was still in the nightgown I wore the night she was buried and hadn't showered or even washed the make-up off my face from that day... All he cared about was the money and since we were both executors of the will he wanted me to move quickly settling the money. !!! He interrupted my process of grieving... I was so angry... I took care of her when her health decline... Of course I'm the Blacksheep of the family who always did everything correctly....
yup, seen this with multiple narcs.
My narc mother took my grandmother with late stage brain cancer into a lawyer to have her will rewritten.
That was a nice surprise when it got to be the last days & Grandma couldn't even talk anymore.
Grieving for a narcissist is a long winded social media post about how much they love and miss who they lost to get attention, but not actually giving too much of a second thought in reality.
@moon calf you literally described my ex-friend to a t. Ouch.
I don't know. I have a family member who does this not so much when losing someone herself but when a close friends does. It's always struck me as odd that everybody else then goes along with it saying "so sorry for your loss" when she hasn't actually lost anyone, but I wouldn't swear it's narcissism rather than a somewhat misguided way of expressing sympathy.
@@ChattyLionheart that's stealing the spotlight from someone else to garner attention, pretty common narcissistic trait however doesn't necessarily mean they are a narc unless they have other traits
@@ChattyLionheart definitely a narcissistic tendency
@@Winterreise189 It does look that way from the outside and if she ever tries it with me she'll probably get told exactly how inappropriate I think it is. On the other hand I'm not in her head and as long as I'm not directly involved I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though I do wonder sometimes (because of that and other quirks). Some people are just clumsy in the way they interact with others, and who am I to judge?
Dr. Ramani,
I have been going through a personal journey to find peace and I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to do what you do. You have helped me and will continue to help me as I navigate these trials I am currently going through. Bless you.
I also found healing through her videos, I had no idea what kind of a person my ex was until I cam across her videos and I realised that I was not crazy and I has to accept that
Ditto. ♥️
She is knowledgeable and helpful, and also funny, narcs are funny in their own ridiculous ways
All the best. I'm over it. Thanks to Dr. Ramani.
My father is a narcissist and he just lost his wife. My Dad only cares about himself. Im watching him during this process, and I notice his crying and grieving seems fake, and he is loving the attention. My sister and I have put our lives on hold to help him. He is so self-centered and draining. We have done all the planning of the service we are the only ones. He is currently staying at my sister's house, driving everyone crazy.
When my father killed himself, my grandmother (his mother), always said: „Now I have no one to take care of me, when I‘m old“ and „How could he do this to us?“.
She didn’t really care how he felt, what was going on with him, or if she as a mother might have contributed to the psychological problems that led to his suicide.
Also she didn’t go to his funeral, because she „just couldn’t“ and left me completely alone with the responsibilities of the funeral.
I'm sorry this happened
God bless you
Narcisists are the biggest cowards on earth!!! This I found out only after distancing and liberating myself from the biggest coward I have ever met in my life: My father.
We had a speaker at a support group and she explained exactly what you said, that Kubler-Ross thing was never meant to be linear. Always cyclical. My dad was in for a shock when my mum died. He thought he had tons of friends and everyone loved him, then he found out they loved HER and none of them talked to him anymore. He had spent so much time being God's gift to mankind that he hadn't realised the angel of a wife he'd had.
Wowow what a wake up call..
You explained it so on point ! Wow
Greatings from Germany 👍👍👍
I feel like this is about to happen to a narc I know now that her mother has passed.
Yes, I recognise that. My Dad was a lovely man, sensitive and empathic and I realised after he died that 'their' friends were really 'his' friends. Almost none of them kept in contact with my mother afterwards.
She always talked about all their friends and hoe close our family is. I often wonder what it must feel like for her to realise that she doesn't have friends and that the rest of the family is close but it doesn't include her.
So sad really
After the death of my father, my narcissistic mother said something like"oh, I can finally go for longer walks without your father dragging behind me complaining about his hurting legs" it was mind-blowing 🥺
I'm sorry for the loss of your Father.
Wow, that is one slipped mask! Hugs bud.
Really sorry..
I can feel u ... Narc mother here also. I have gone through a lot. N my father yet couldn't figure her out. Eventually he became an enabler.
She says harshly... When u will die.. I will be happy.
She is happy when m admitted to hospital. My father's health is degrading. N she is happy
You can manage to leave a narcissistic husband...hard to leave a narcissistic mother...especially when your loving father is subjected to her devilish "spell"...
In my experience they grieve for the loss of the benefits they got from that person, not for that person as an individual....
Exactly!
I've attended funerals where narcissists in my life have lost a brother or a childhood friend and while I stood next to them, hardly knowing their friend or brother, bawling my eyes out for the deceased person's family, the narcissist stood there stone-faced. I was astonished at the lack of feeling.
My dad has never grieved over anything. All he really cares about is himself.
people grieve when they lose someone/something important to them. for narcissists, i believe, there is the possibility to experience grief, just not for the same reasons as other people do, they lost someone they loved to control, abuse, manipulate, etc, not someone they actually loved
They do not know love.
Its true and reading it makes me feel sick that I allowed someone like that in my life
@@jovanna1967 i believe they do, but in an extremely infantile, one-directional way, surface-level. they expect to be loved, and manipulate people into loving them, and can get very angry (scared) when this isn't provided cheaply or even unconditionally. very similar to how a fraud wants unconditional trust. it's just once they get it, they abuse the heck out of it instead of reciprocating. narcissists LOVE love, and love the power to get people to love them. as long as they're the one getting it all while giving nothing everything's just fine and dandy :)
@@davidbonar5190 i agree with you, I'm married to a narcissist extremely difficult marriage, I could write ✍ a book of tid bits to help others, its a very draining life
Like Thanos in Avengers? Sorry for the reference if it seems irrelevant. Meaning the narcissistic person is sad to lose them but having no regret for the damage they did to them or others on the way to power.
Our baby son died this year ,I cried uncontrollably he laughed at me. Told me I’m acting being dramatic get over it. Then ended the relationship
What the hell, this is so devilish. May God help you get through. Take care
Omg! Hugs to you!
So sorry you lost your baby boy. Wishing you comfort and solace.
Diabolical
When I was very sick n ended up in the ER, I tried calling the ex narc n he refused to answer the phone as he is sleeping , I left him a text, he didn't bother contacting me to ask how I was, the next day late at night he calls n wen I asked him, he said " stop acting, you wasn't sick at all, and my brother is calling me now and I can't talk to u, I then got angry n told him off for his lack of care n cruel behavior n he said I don't care if u die, that's my brother and I can't miss his call"
A very cruel wicked inhumane selfish twit with an IQ in the negative, so glad I left him.
When my grandmother died, my mother lashed out at me for my genuine grief. she sneered at me and accused me of not caring (which was actually a reflection of her).
Both of my parents are narcissistic (and divorced). When my grandparents died (all 4 over the course of 20 years), my parents attacked my siblings and me. Both my parents would rage and scream, and they berated us for not caring enough! My parents were insulted and inconvenienced that they still had to be parents to their underage children.
My mother did this to me as well. Did the same thing when my grandpa died. My whole life she blamed me for my father being absent. Now I'm 29 and she's all over the internet dragging my name through the dirt because I dont want her around my children. The exact same children she said weren't hers because "they're too white"
My youngest brother passed last night. My mother, sister and brother are narcissists. I was the scapegoat. My brother that passed was the lost child. My family is hollow. There is no one to turn to to process the loss, to remember my brother, to share stories with, to try to understand. My sister wants to argue and perhaps hasn’t considered the loss. My mother changes the subject, my other brother says what does it matter, he’s gone. I feel disconnected and completely alone in wanting to understand what happened to my brother, how we could’ve done better and how can we honor him. Even in death no one sees him. RIP baby brother ❤
Be strong and be patient with yourself in your journey of knowing that you are empowered by the special relationship you had (and still have within you), you’ll have that with you all your life! They don’t have that, only you do. How special is that? If you can possibly get out of the house and hang with better people like friends, you’re going to have to let the rest of your family grieve in their weird way. Good luck!❤
How are you doing now after a year. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago. I am also the scapegoat. If i wouldnt have Jesus, it would be so much more difficult to handle all this
As a pastor, the narcissists I've witnessed in my congregation and my own family have actually showed very little if any grief during the loss of their loved ones. I watched one man laugh and joke the entire time of his wife's viewing and funeral. They had been married over 50 years. He seemed totally oblivious to his loss. Many people saw this as very odd. My narcissistic grandfather would not even be at the deathbed of his own wife of 62 years. He was home watching his favorite tv programs while grandma was dying in the hospital. I never saw that man shed a tear over her.
@@dml2846 I agree 👍 💯
@@dml4539 Absolutely!! Affection and empathy should be a natural aspect of our humanity. But it's nonexistent in these strange beings. 🤔
@@dml4539 I don't usually get overly emotional at a funeral unless it's someone very close to me. But I do show a great deal of respect. The thing that bothers me the most is to see others soooo distraught. That seems more difficult for me than the actual death. I seem to easily absorb the emotions of others in the room who are grieving and that is the hardest part of any funeral for me.
They have a special place in hell..
That is so messed up innocent people dying isn't funny.
When my mother died my narcissistic husband and his narcissistic mother made things difficult for me. My mother in law was grieving about her dog, who suddenly became disabled. I understood her feelings and didn’t expect her to do or feel anything about my loss. But later on she got into an altercation with someone at the barn where she boarded her horse. She talked to me on the phone and wanted me to take her side. she claimed that she was falsely accused her of shoving another person. I listened politely but didn’t jump to defend her. In truth I believe she did it. She raged at me for not defending her. I told her that I was not there and I didn’t know what happened. But then she threw up in my face that I should be there for her because she was there for me when my mother was dying.
I didn’t bother to correct her. I ended the phone call. But I felt like this was a good glimpse of the real her.
Wow, there are no depths to which they wont sink to try to get what they want. She showed you exactly who she was in that moment. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
@@halledwardb the reason is because we don’t assume evil in other people. We think about people in a fair and just way. They on the other hand have ulterior motivation that is not of a good nature.
Yup that’s a narrcissist. They change history and it’s always your fault. Please don’t pick up the phone to her. You didn’t deserve that.
They do rage when you don't defend them, but all they're doing is trying to manipulate the story and you. I feel like you did the right thing, by just taking a neutral stance. That always makes them mad, but it tells them, you're not going to defend them. They made their choice, they have to be responsible for it.
Diane : Oh my ...
They only grieve for themselves and their loss of "things".
Other people are just disposable objects to them.
yes the only care about themselves .
My current narc just had a pet die. And he cried uncontrollably. And while he was in between tears he kept saying remembering memories of how the cat made him feel. Not really much else and I realized he is grieving how the cat made him feel not the actual cat himself. He current has a sick cat snd is pouring so much money in keeping this cat Alive, but not for the cat but simply because he can’t handle another loss that feeds his supply. It so strange it’s like he’s making this cat suffer and simply not lay it to rest because he can’t handle death. I keep telling him to make his cat happy and comfortable and celebrate her life. But he can’t bring himself to do that. He keeps pumping her with experimental drugs and foods and this cat looks so miserable I feel sad for her I just wish he would let this cat go in peace
I wouldn't be surprised, if they pretended to 'grieve' the very same persons they themselves drove to suicide while abusing them. Do I believe narcissists can actually grieve? No. Why should they mourn the death of a person they indirectly killed?
Public "grieving", however, provides them with narcissistic supply.
Their grief is staying busy finding new / old supply to seduce, exploit, and torture
When I left my Covert Narcissist, he came to my new home to tell me how now he had to cook, clean, and grocery shop. It was terrible suffering for him.
Exactly!
they are really ridiculous that way aren't they? Don't they have a clue how revealing that is, for them to want your sympathy, b/c they are deprived of your services?
just like my father. He is sociopath. When my mother died he faked a crying, but I can see that the real problem has been to do "women´s things": washing, cleaning, cooking, ironing etc etc. THAT was his problem.
wtf 😂 he almost baffles me. what a joke.
I visited my parents after waiting over a year for "permission". While there, my husband in Indiana, emailed that I "abandoned" him and who will make his lunch?
This was deep, when my ex-wife lost her dad, whom she was very close with she kept on saying< "He left ME!" while she cried. I didn't take notice to it until I realized she KEPT saying it. I was thinking, "Wow. This man's health problems led up to his death and all you can think about is how he left YOU? What about the fact he isn't suffering anymore, or that he didn't die young and led a full life?" Soon I started to realize she made EVERYTHING about her. Wish I caught on to this sooner, but glad I got out!
My narcissistic definitely played the I’m grieving more deeply than anyone. It gave him a huge excuse to be mean and angry. I felt like he only had one emotion anger.
This is so true! Definitely my experience too
Yep same here
My experience also, it was so frustrating
I feel like I've lived this.
THIS
They grieve the loss of supply but they’re also masking the blow to their self-esteem but no one can see that so they make like they’re sad about losing you. They aren’t. They’re pissed off that they couldn’t fool you anymore.
They grieve. Their pains are about losing their supply,pain if their ego is hurt,pain when they lose their money earned out of greed,when their fake happiness and popularity finally hits an end.
Very true! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽They love their supplies and the suppliers as long as they provide supply. Their "love act" in public is indeed "a scene" to watch 🙆🏻♀️😛😅😂🤣
I believe in this "egocentric grief" because I remember my mom told me one time that when her dad (my grandfather) tragically passed away when she was 11 years old, the first thing she said as she cried was "How will I be able to afford to go to my dream school now?"
I don't think she noticed but I found it so disturbing to hear that it's the first thing you say after hearing news about a parent tragically dying.
wow
wow that's brutal
@R M
They are so stone cold, it’s frightening!
When my dear Grandma died, my narcissistic mother seemed very sad. But after her saying 'she was now the orphan without her mother' and therefore the most sad of us all, I knew something was off. Totally ignoring the feelings of other family members. It still took me 15 years to understand what happened there...thank you for this channel Dr. Ramani!!!
They grieve for themselves and the inconvenience of finding someone else to use for their purposes.
I was softly crying at the funeral of my narcissistic husband's grandfather. I wasn't inconsolably sobbing. However, my husband walked up to me and told me to shut up and quit crying because I was embarrassing him. The same happened when his dad died. I'll never forget the shock I felt. It all makes sense now.
Sorry he pulled that on you. Hope you are FAR away from him now and healing.
Trust me, when people witnessed what your husband did, their hearts went out to you.
@@libbylandscape3560 what if most of them were narcissists as well?
Jesus
This explains sooo much. My spouse went from, “ I love you and will do anything for you, you need to forgive me”. To: “We’re not married, you deserve nothing but contempt.” No tears, only immediate disdain towards me. I tried to figure how “love , love , love” changed to “ get out of my face!” So fast.
They grieve their supply, your paycheck, your caring, your responsibility, your empathy for them. They dont grieve you.
As per usual it's about protecting yourself from their rage.
Am I the only one who tend to click 👍🏼 even before I watch Dr. Ramani's videos? 😘😍🥰
No TT! I do it too...love Dr. Ramani!❤
Always
Me too.
Always!
I sure do the same bcz I always like what Dr Ramani says
Sounds like they grieve for themselves.
A little like a narcissistic apology. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused (to myself)
I received a weeping, “I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused” about 6 months after he dropped the bomb on the marriage and ran off with JustAFriend 20 years his junior. I suspect he was grieving for himself due to “trouble in paradise” with JAF. They must have quickly reconciled since, just a few weeks later, he reverted back to being a monstering, punishing Narc and I, once again, became the worst mistake he ever made (his words).
@@bettywoo1335 I feel for you, I really do. My narc tonight finally admitted sleeping with another man. Even knowing what they are and how awful they are. It still hurts like hell doesnt it?
@@Motivation_Rio Wow, get out if he not willing 2 change. U deserve so much beat.
One of the few phone calls I had after a cruel and blindsided discard with my spouse turned into a rage about how their business partner had breast cancer and now the lions share of work would be put on them. 😳 I remember taking the phone from my ear and staring at it and saying, “this isn’t about you”
At the time I knew nothing about narcissism. It is truly a heartbreaking condition for all involved.
Thank you Dr Ramani for validating all the insanity that comes with this crap. 💪🏼💐
This video was very helpful to me as my mother passed away last week.
My narcissistic sister ('narcissister') is already in fine form trying to control everything that is happening. She is being phony nice; it makes me want to throw up. She wants to show my father that she is being civilized to my other sister, whom she hates for no valid reason, and doing the right thing. It’s all a show. She just wants money and whatever prize possessions she can take of Mom’s. We took turns picking from her clothes and jewelry. I picked things for my daughter. She picked nothing for her daughters. We even suspect that she has already taken some of Mom's things without telling anyone.
My narcissistic sister was even being competitive towards me at the foot of my mother’s hospital bed as Mom lay so close to death. She had to get her two daughters there as soon as she found out my daughter had been there the previous day even though my daughter was spooked because her grandma did not recognize her. My father is a quiet person and wanted to limit the number of people in the room.
My narcissistic sister thinks now that she has been civilized for a few days she is somehow back “in” with the family. Sorry, it will take a lot more than that. And oh yes, she is somehow mad at my mother for not hanging in for a couple more months for her mile-marker birthday.
I wish she would just stop pushing all the buttons that make me feel guilty and inadequate and leave us to grieve in peace. Three other children also lost their mother. My father lost his wife of 65 years. It’s Not just about You, narcissister!
When my mother died, my father appeared to be grieving but was courting attention from any woman he was associated with. He told us that she was only a part of our lives but was his whole life so basically our loss was far less. He would never acknowledge our need to talk about her or mark her anniversary. Now I have a word for how that made us feel... invalidated. Thank-you for this insight Dr Ramani! It helps to understand what is happening.
I can totallyyyyyy relate to this- 'Even in grief, the narcissist has to win' 👏 while I used to get upset over things, he made me feel that his pain was greater than mine. Oh my good Lord! Little did I know he was going to ghost me or who knows actually discard me while ranting about his heavy heart. Never have I ever met anyone who claims to love you so much and just walks over you.
What the fruit! They claim to love you, profess to everyone they love you, meanwhile hurting you in every way.
@@andynnai1 true !!
They are sick..
Did he hoover you or left you for good (hopefully)? How did you handle the ghosting, was it traumatic? How did you cope? I'm going through it now... Just experienced such dihumani
sing thing....
A narcissist grief seems to turn into uncontrolled anger and if you are the scapegoat of the family, watch out! I had to go no contact because the narcissist is trying to destroy me.
Yep yep.... me too. Malignant narc older brother who was the caretaker of my elderly dad, scapegoated me for decades but once my mom passed and my dad became infirm a few years later, that was the beginning of the end for my dad and there was nothing I could do. Brother just ramped up the scapegoating and increasingly isolated my dad and me from each other. When my dad begged me to get him out of there because he was in fear of his life, and I called APS to do an investigation because elder abuse (medical and emotional) was going on, he became completely enraged and sicced his lawyer on me. For two years I went no contact with everybody (had no choice because the lawyer had sent me a restraining order and I didn’t want my brother to punish my dad further, because he’d become the scapegoat in my absence) and then my dad died and I was never told, although my brother and his flying monkey wife and my nieces had known for weeks. Instead of apologizing and showing a shred of empathy my brother ramped the torment up even more..: first they ordered the funeral home to bar me from seeing my dad - I threatened the funeral home with a lawsuit in turn and then they magically opened to me after they had “gotten permission from Dr. Maloof to allow me in.” Then he intentionally gave me the wrong start time for the funeral. Among other horrible things. He honestly threw every tactic and stratagem he could come up with at me for the sole purpose of destroying and devastating me, now that he had destroyed and devastated our dad. I had to cut him and his flying monkey wifebot off forever, writing them a harshly worded letter that although I forgave them because I promised my dad I would, they were to never contact me again or face some serious consequences of their own.
Nope. Narcs don’t feel grief in the same way normal people do at all. My brother was grieving for sure, but he was grieving not our beloved dad but the loss of his entrapped narcissistic supply, the loss of a scapegoat, the loss of looking good to his church, friends and relatives as the heroically selfless, doting son sacrificing so much, etc. etc.
My faith and my vow to my dad require me to pray for him and I will gladly do so for the rest of my life, but my God, when I think of all the damage he has done to so many people ..... having a mental disorder does not begin to sufficiently explain or justify what he has done. Or what other narcissists have done and are doing per the comments of other subscribers here. Their insatiable hunger to destroy, devastate and cause pain in an endless quest to subjugate the will of the world around them to their own and bring to its knees and kiss the ring. I see it as pure evil.
@@mmaloof71 I hear you. Been there. No contact is the beginning of the escape but boy do they have a lot to answer for. Bless
Narcissists objectify everyone so their grief is just like losing a Car.
This is correct . My narcissistic sisters never grieved for my parents when they passed . Their reasoning was that our parents had lived long enough and it was time to make room for my sisters to recieve money , etc ...
" Okay , they died . So what ? " was the response .
😨
Well said.
@@brooksequine7621 yep you are so right about this
You see through it, well explain!👍🤗
I would love an episode that focused on how a narccistic widow of a long illness can behave with future relationships.
My mother died 6 years ago and my sister was histrionic in her grief. She treated my mum like the hired help when she was alive, for childcare. She'd moved to a nicer neighbourhood, and got a good job. FAir enough. but she looked down on my mother as if she was poor and inferior. The minute she died my sister was beside herself with grief.
When you mentioned the competitive element of grief, and how she had to 'win' at grieving, I laughed out loud. That was my sister. Had to always be superior. I no longer talk to her. Cut her off completely, even though I love my nieces who are still young.
You commented a year ago, but I had to reply. My sister's daughter and I have spent some time together this past year. My sister is a narc who actually seems to be working on herself now for the past 5 years. BUT...when I found out how crazy it was for my niece growing up with my sister as her mom, I was so upset...you see I didn't notice my sister's narcissism until my niece moved out of her home. Then I became her supply and I lived through about a decade with her of intense gaslighting and blaming and crazy-making until she one day decided she would become a better person. When my niece and I started having heart-to-hearts long distance and then twice in person this past year, it broke my heart to hear how my sister used the little girl and then teen growing up as supply to fuel her ego...it was ugly, and I was oblivious to it back then even though I did all kinds of fun things with her and my nephew away from the home and was at holiday meals, etc. In fact, my niece even told me that as a child she used to fantasize that I was her mom. That made me cry for her. If at all possible, keep in touch with your nieces. You may be the only sane and loving adult in their lives.
I wasn't prepared....I didn't know.....my mother is the queen narcissist....and just as you said it's as if no one else was experiencing the loss of my father except her, not even his children. Irony when he was alive she was absolutely venomous toward him, she would never leave a good hair on his head, after he passed it was as if they had the greatest love affair of all time. The second and more devastating part to this is I am the scapegoat child everything has always been my fault for as long as I have a memory for. My sibling is the golden child and the narcissistic baton was passed to her, and she was out laughing w her friends within a month, when the show was over (the funeral) and no one was no longer looking she began a smear campaign against me. She tried to steal my inheritance, and tried to convince people I couldn't even tie my own shoes, let alone take care of my mother....and my mother just allowed herself to be wrapped up in baby narcissists arms. Now all the manipulation and decisions they made without so much as including me for the smallest decisions as to what happens next are all crashing in on them.
The day I lost my father, was the day I lost my entire family, I was orphaned that day. The pain has been immense, and the betrayal unforgivable.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
@@jimbear8888 thank you Jim, it was a lose, a huge one. God bless stay safe!
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for being on this channel.
@@tanyadavis6138 I'm sorry that you know exactly how I feel.
And thank you! I hope things get better or are better for you! ❤🤗
@@danieb4273 I also know all too well how you feel. It's almost the same exact situation. My mother treated my dad like garbage his whole life and even on his death bed. Now she hams it up to anyone who will listen as if they had the greatest love story of all time. It makes me sick.
She also smears me to anyone who will listen. She knows I know the truth about her, so she's trying to make me out to be crazy, callous, greedy... basically she's projecting everything she is onto me.
All the while she's hounding me, threatening me, doing all she can to get me to snap. But I won't. I'm just trying to keep my distance. Which means I have to also keep my distance from my entire family, because she's the gatekeeper of all of them.
It's so profoundly isolating and depressing.
I've been in counseling and that's been helping. Idk what I would have done without it. I hope you are in a good support group or counseling of some sort.
Stay strong. We are better off without their toxicity.
I hope we all make ourselves new families, consisting of mentally healthy friends.
It's especially difficult during quarentine to connect with new people. It's hard enough to try to trust anyone again when the ones who were suppose to love you... just didn't.
Now is our time to learn to love OURSELVES! Lord knows the narcs in our lives don't want us to love & respect ourselves. But they aren't in charge anymore.
Sometimes random comments from strangers on youtube is all the support we've got. At least it helps to know we're not the only ones in the world going through this kind of thing.
The narcissist I knew was more excited by the inheritance and saw the death as a long overdue pay-day
What a vulture..
Lolol that might depend on who died for me. I spent my entire childhood stepping and fetching for my granny who all my friends likened to the grandmother from Flowers in the Attic. I did not gain anything from her death that is tangible but the peace I got could fill up a truck. Lol
I have a distant relative like that with his mom. Needs to be paid to be there to help out at times. I feel like it's elderly abuse
@Truth Teller
See? I don't think that's unreasonable. Carrying 200 pounds on your shoulders your whole life means RELIEF when the 200 pounds gets taken off of them.
@Truth Teller My therapist told me his thoughts about his parents: "Why don't you just die!", to show me it was okay for me to think the same and not feel guilty about it.
When my Dad was on his deathbed and on morphine , he was slipping away. He looked at my mother and whispered the word perfect. To this day she is sure he meant her. On the day of my Dads funeral, I once again became the scapegoat to my sister and mother. And I had a rare moment of standing up for myself, finally. That was not a day I wanted to poison with fighting. But I just was in grief, in a very defeated place, and had to say something to them when they started to pick a fight with me. That night mom insisted I go with her to a party where she had a big smile on her face and was singing and clapping to the entertainment. I felt like I was in the Twighlight zone. At 86 she had a new boyfriend within about two weeks but then things do move fast in the senior living facility.
My narcissistic mother was angry that everyone's attention wasn't on her instead of on my dying father. He suffered a long slow death from lung cancer. He was a very empathetic and loving person. She made the last 6 months agony for everyone because of her selfish, egotistical ways. On the advice of my doctor and my soul I divorced my mother after that experience. I also came to realize how much she had tried to destroy my confidence and my father's love for me all my younger years and how physically and emotionally abusive she had been to me. I did not see her before she passed 8 years later. I have forgiven her now but the pain can still be TRIGGERED and I struggle with chosing healthy loving relationships and feeling love. I am over 70 and would love to share my life with someone. Being an empath like my dad I fear I attract narcissists.
@@juanitahardy8583 surround yourself with good friends. I understand where you're coming from, I attract them too.
Maybe he was trying to say, "This is perfect; I'm free at last!"
Jeezis. I found the one with the most complaints in case my mother is going to expect me to take care of that for her. I’m not kidding Willowbrook nursing home in Houston. She damn sure better not or that’s what it’s going to be. Scapegoat here too so don’t I know how they show their asses around funerals and wills and shit. I don’t know about you but even if I find out about it years later mine’s getting the obituary she deserves. At some point she even told me she didn’t want a funeral. Told her take your guilt trip somewhere else I see through you but I’ll take you up on that LOL. Who knows if it’s because she wants to think as a scapegoat I am an embarrassment or if it’s because she realizes ain’t nobody coming. Maybe she doesn’t want me finding out some secret part of her life, as if I could care or be surprised at this point. Probably though she realized when somebody at my dad’s funeral shaking my hand said he didn’t realize my father had “another” son (referring to me) that at some point they’ve underestimated how stupid we can be kept. They’re so horrible. It was a relief when my father died so I can only imagine it will be similar knowing there’s finally no chance of her turning back up either. That expression about the twilight zone… Funny, I’ve said the same thing.
My ex used his mother's death as the excuse for abandoning our son. He stated that since his mom's death he no longer stresses himself over anything or anyone. Our son was 10 at the time. Although at first my son and I felt the abandonment hard, soon we realized what narcissism was and 12 years later feel blessed that we didn't have him in our daily lives because we are free and in peace.
Can a narcissist also be bipolar? I'm married to a narcissist. I didn't know it in the beginning. Until I started doing research. And, now I've completely shut down. I don't have any conversation with her. I came across your video's. It's feel refreshing to finally know I not crazy! She's destroyed everything in me about reality. After, I get out of this marriage, I'm going to need a lot of counseling! I'm so empty,. I don't know who I am anymore! Thanks! For helping me understand the mental condition. Hopefully, I can recover Dr. Ramani! Your the best!
What an incredibly interesting video. My father died three days ago. My mother is devastated. They’re both massive narcissists. Oh the things I could tell... I could go on for weeks. I just love this channel.
I didn’t cry a single tear. After three days I feel nothing at all. And I hope it stays that way.
Not too many men responding. Surely there just as many getting the abuse as the lady's.
When a close narcissist dies, you might feel relief at first then maybe feel that haunting, of feeling you still need to live that life that was told to you a long time ago.
Hopefully you recover and live a happy life.
That is not really uncommon. I felt relief when my narcissist died. I was not angry at all. I just felt a strong sense of relief.
@@donnalehman1832
Same here. Just relief. Nothing else.
It’ll stay that way ❤️✨
I’m so glad its not just me! I got my first hint that he was a narcissist shortly after we were married, when I made him go to his mother’s Dr. appointment, with a list of questions about home health, etc. Instead, he asked what medications she’s taking, what they’re for, and when she would improve. The Dr. had to explain that one doesn’t improve from advanced Alzheimer’s. Duh! Then he came home and acted distraught. “Why is this happening to me?” It isn’t. It’s happening to HER! Then the rage and narcissistic abuse started. A year later, I found myself literally escaping in the middle of the night when he wasn’t home. He died recently, and I quite literally felt relief.
The realisation that family members are narcissistic can cause grieving in non narcissistic members of the family because you learn that non of the relationships were authentic, they don't love you and never have done and that can come as a terrible blow (especially when there are a number of narcissists in the family), it can be like losing a number of family members at the same time, like in a car crash.
My family experienced a tragic loss when I was 14. We lost a beautiful young mother and her toddler to a drunk driver. Our family never recovered from that grief over 40 years ago.
The family primary caregiver went into a depressed state which was followed by serious mental breakdown. I guess the depression finally went away, but it tainted the relationship between parent and child.
That child is now over 60, but the trauma lives on. Believe that narcissists can grieve and it will be done in a way that everyone will be dragged down. Healing is not a concept they can work with.
I was discarded by my narcissistic partner during the beginning of lockdown. I didn't hear from him for a month, completely no contact and when I finally did, he already moved on and did not even showed any concern regarding my wellbeing during that time with 0 contact. That was the cue I finally needed to cut him lose.
Mine did the same thing , he reappeared 08/2021 to complain about the new person he left me for. I listened attentively but no longer felt empathy. I had already started listening to Dr. Ramani and had gone thru my stages of loss of the relationship. I gently an d kindly BUT firmly told him this would continue to happen to him because he uses people to stroke his ego and make himself feel good due to his insecurities and emptiness inside. He never called again. I felt a personal triumph.
Closure is in the space of the silence itself.
My dad started giving away my mum's things when she was in hospital and still alive. The day after she died, the moment he woke up, the first thing he did was throwing away one of her dried flowers bouquets (that she loved) right in front of us when we were having breakfast, saying that "we don't need that now". I will never forget the violence of that gesture. I cannot understand how someone like him, who basically couldn't wait for her to die (she was disrupting his sleep whilst dying from cancer), can experience grief. I hear what Dr Ramani says, but for me he didn't grieve. He just needed to deal with how he would live after she was gone (he was already checking pension and flats to move to 3 months before she left us).
When I was sixteen my grandparents died in the span of 1 month, they lived with us. My mother one day when I was trying to comfort her after they passed away said that I "had no right to grieve because they were her parents". I took care of my grandparents before and after school along with my younger siblings, while she pranced around and had affairs on my father (just found this out this year I am 24 now) This cut me deep and when I told people they said "well she is grieving, you have to show compassion". It is still hard for me to think she can feel anything after the things she has done and said to me and my siblings. Thank you for your videos I have been finding them very helpful in dealing with the abuse and how to get better after finally getting away from her.
Your mom said that to hurt you, to try to assuage her own guilt.
She feels guilty because she isn't grieving. She knew they would die one day and she's been prepared for a long time, and now she can control all the narratives about them, and it's what she wanted.
I found out about my fathers long list of affairs at 50 years old after his passing.
When my father passed away. My narrissist mother, had my dads clothes in a garage bag. He wasn't even buried yet. I had his clothes in my car for 3 weeks, until I could deal with getting rid of them. I was very close to my dad...sad!
My mother sold dad's beloved sailboat within 3 days of his death, for dirt cheap, without offering it to any of the kids.
@@Chahlie Wow! They are unbelievable!
@@pangaea426 Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that ordeal. Narrissists parents can ruin a family for sure.
@@pangaea426 Yikes. They are ALL the same.
same with my narc mother, when I lost my dad who I was closed to, and she never said is there anything you would like she told everything that was valuable
This really hits home. There is someone I know whom I believe to be a narc and has just loss their daughter(the blk sheep that could do no rt). With this loss he went into a full rage and began to berate the dead daughter for a full week. It was too intense for me.
😮
@Dennis Rue yea and when I shut down and stopped all communication and detoxed from all the negativity he emailed me and accused me of abandoning him in his time of need. As an empath I couldn't take it. His darkness was overwhelming.
@@TheDavorahgusta and then you just delete the email.
My god, that is so wrong. :( it's obviously all about them.
Shame on her for dying, is what the narc wants to say.
My mom passed away when I was 17. I will never forget my dad shouting the words "you just lost a mother...but I lost my WIFE!"
Sorry you had to go through that....hope you are keeping your distance from him ...because their energy can be draining
Omg im so sorry. What an awful thing for a person to say to a child who just lost their parent.
The competing and entitlement never stops.
My brother died suddenly and my nmom went straight to get meds to numb the feelings from the doctor, wouldn’t talk about him and still won’t really talk about him 5 1/2 years later. She wouldn’t come into the room at all while he was on life support or to be there when he was taken off of it. I’m grateful that my dad was there with me at least. She acted as though her grief was so much worse than my dad’s and mine. My brother was in scapegoat mode when he died (we switched back and forth) and she still acts like she has a grudge against him. It’s as if she resents him for dying. I also feel like she shames me for holding onto the good memories of him rather than the ones of the times he was struggling. It’s all perplexed me for years. This video is very validating. Thank you.
I finally reached out to my aunt recently about my relationship with my narcissistic parents we both knew my dad was always one and the abuse was clear but I was sharing why I suspect my mom is also one and my aunt told me their family always knew my mom had a bad victim mentality. My aunt lost her daughter many years back when she was just a teenager and she acknowledged how my mom was like this during the funeral. My mom was lashing out at everyone and being controlling and raging how bad it was for her to lose her niece but I told my aunt how weird it felt as a kid to notice my mom wasn’t thinking about her sister losing HER daughter. And for years my mom would bring up her daughters death in arguments saying things like “WELL AT LEAST ALL MY KIDS ARE ALIVE BECAUSE IM A CARING MOM UNLIKE YOU” to win arguments whenever my aunt tried to give my mom advice or criticism. I was just a kid back then and I had my own uphill battle trying to help my mom get away from my abusive dad who I also thought was the only narcissist back then and my mom never noticed when I was having multiple suicide attempts and she made mocked me for always crying silently and her not noticing even when I’m in the car with her alone. Looking back on it and listening to this video makes me realize my mom is definitely a narcissist and she confuses her over carding and controlling impulse with empathy and care for other peoples’ experiences. I haven’t cried in years and I doubted myself thinking I was the narcissist like my mom always accused me of but recently I can’t stop crying again after reaching out to my mom’s siblings and my brother.
My brother is the golden child but he always knew what the rest of us went through emotionally and he finally stood up to mom and she shut him down. He came back to me crying and all he could say was he was sorry that he didn’t have the right words to defend me against her invalidations against all of us as if there was anything he could’ve said that would have gotten through to my mom or dad and it made me feel awful but also glad to finally have a real connection with my brother emotionally for the first time where we acknowledged each other’s realities rather than defending ourselves against each other
Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I had a similar experience with my parents, and it helps to not feel so alone. They are both dead now and I’m left with the realisation that my family is toxic and none of it my fault . Bless us both for surviving this pain 🙏 proud of us 🙏
So, what the narcs really grief about is having their supply taken away sooner than what they planned on discarding
*nail on head.*
Its always about control.
@@kellygilmore334 yup...
@@naturefleur2062 IKR? That’s their all time, one and only motivator
When my grandmother died, her daughter, my mum told me and my siblings that we were not to cry or show emotions at the funeral as it showed weakness. We had to obey! I turned my grief inward and dealt privately with it but was always confused as to why my mum said this. Many years later I discovered narcissism and found my answer!
it doesn't matter to me anymore.
That's the right answer
This!!
Somayeh : YIPPEE !
Me neither !
If it doesn't matter ,why make a silly comment,fool❌
Yay, we have a winner 🏆!
When my mother passed away my father was selling stuff at a garage sale without asking us what we wanted. He sold the house and moved across country within 3 months.
In truth. My husband of almost fifty years was a narc. I never knew how to describe his behavior, I was always confused and walking on eggshells. He became an alcoholic and very, very obese when he retired. I took complete care of him, driving him to his many medical appts, cooking three course complicated dinners, running errands, treating his injuries, he was furious with me for calling an ambulance when his pacemaker started firing off. He died of septic shock and organ failure in under a week. To be honest, that was last year. I’ve never cried, I feel like I can finally start living a normal life with no anxiety or fear. I cannot really share this with most people because he put on a fake show for everyone else
Am going through exactly this: mom died this month; my father is the narcissist. His reaction has indeed been egocentric and upsetting to me, but not unexpected, and it has provided me the final emotional permission I required to go no-contact. Mom is no longer dad’s hostage. I have arranged for dad to receive good ongoing care. I am out. Dr. Ramani’s observations are, as usual, spot-on. Thank you.
Your got this!
Wow... Dr. Ramini is synchronistically touching on all the subjects I've been wondering about...
there certainly are a lot of narcs out there being alone suits me fine most of ttme
@@shawnparker1207 Amen, Shawn! I've never felt more at peace. We've got this!
When my Dad died I was heartbroken and I shared my grief with the people I felt closest to. So, that's when I realized one of them was a malignant narcissist (even though I didn't know the term at the time). There had been red flags, but she was a very good actress and I'm a very forgiving person. This time she crossed the final line and I saw the truth of her. There was no going back even though I lost some family ties. I'm grieving over those as well.
Amazing. I feel like you just told my story. These stories repeat themselves... the repititious patterns over and over. I honestly feel like a lot of my healing is putting a name to the harmful hateful behavior and realizing I am not alone... Absolutely not alone. Hugs.
GOD BLESS DR.RAMANI🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
All ppl need is the truth. And not only do you deliver truth but brutal honesty... Thank you🙏🏿
I grieved my brothers death ,sudden death, my narcissist husband hit me! I could never figure him out . now I am suddenly starting to understand. Thank you so very much!
It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with😏 but my therapist of 8 yrs passed away tragically in a car accident. I’ve been seeing her for eight years three times a week to deal with childhood trauma and abuse so you can imagine the bond I had with this lady and how close we were🤷♀️
I moved to another state with my partner and because of some of the issues we were having due to her narcissism which I didn’t even know about or what it was, I was calling that therapist to try to get back into therapy over the phone or something To get help dealing with my relationship issues so I went to her website to email her obituary popped up😳 this was how I found out about it!
So of course I started crying and had no bit of trouble catching my breath because I was really caught off guard and stung because I just found out that I lost probably the most important person in my life and when I say that I mean that she has saved my life literally more than once!
My narcissistic partners response to that was” you can’t be upset I need you right now you cannot fall apart because you have to take care of me”😳
Wait a minute, what? I was absolutely floored and confused doesn’t even begin to describe it. How could the person I love that loves me actually treat me like that and say that to me at a moment when I needed her so much? I would’ve been OK if she just hugged me and let me cry for a minute,and said I’m sorry baby I know how much she meant to you ,I’m here for you🤷♀️
Instead I got met with that so I am mediately stopped crying ,wipe my tears away and never brought it up again to anyone😔 So I’ve been walking around with that grief that I’ve never even dealt with and she never even asked me the next day or ever again if I was OK or how I was doing with it it was like it never happened 5 minutes after I found out
At my father’s funeral, his pastor briefly mentioned my mother but I was not mentioned at all. My narcissistic mother complained and complained about it - “I did a lot more for your father” but had no empathy for me being excluded - “well what did you expect from that pastor?”
My parents were divorced at the time of his death. She had divorced him and still felt entitled to top billing.
I had not yet learned about narcissism. This makes sense now.
Thank you for this video.
my narc mother went out with her pastor after my dad's death and I had to keep it secret when I was a kid, and not talk to congregation members on the phone.
@@beaulieuc8910 - ugh. So sorry. Having a narcissistic mother is awful!
Very helpful, specially in the present situations where we are grief-stricken by the multiple losses and consequences of the pandemic.
We see denial, anger, seeking scapegoats and the need to identify people who can be considered as responsible and who need to be punished in order to ward off the evil spirits sometimes override the true need for compassion, solidarity, cohesion, cooperation and collaboration
When my maternal grandmother died i asked my mom how she felt. She responded "im fine, she was old"
In the absence of other details, that"s actually a healthy way of looking at dying. We all die and if people we care about had a decent "innings" (longevity) then we can accept that. Many ancient cultures celebrate death and that is generally more healthy assuming that it's a compassionate and understanding response.
wow, that sounds like my golden child sister, when I said Im afraid about my very old cat and our old parents, she replied like they are old, they can die anytime, it is normal... like there was no empathy, no feelings, like a robot :O
I’m so sorry. I remember when my grandmother died and my sister said “people die, get over it!” I don’t truly feel like she would grieve if our parents died 😔 she’d probably just resent that they did.
It may be true, but is emotional cold and dead.
@@Icontrolmylifenotyou and because she is 'old' it just doesn't matter to them she is a non-person, with no use to her etc etc.
Her videos have been so inspiring. I figured out my friend of more than 10 years was a covert narcissist. She would do so many passive aggressive things like trying to make me late for work or if we went out and people would approach me instead of her . She would be livid but she never made it obvious then o would reflect on her behavior and why she would make me feel so small. I started putting all the dots together and it freaked me out. I felt so oblivious and mad at myself that I didn’t realize how she was using and playing me the entire time. Her charm is incredible. I’m sure her family has an inkling about her but her circle of friends are wrapped around her finger. She completely changes how she behaves around those she views as successful. I stopped talking to her after taking mental abuse for so long and started watching dr Armani’s video and so much adds up now
My narc sibling couldn't wait for mom to pass away, although terminal with cancer, so she helped herself to 50K. After that she (and all her heirs) were specifically excluded from ANY inheritance. She ended up giving back the 50K after two lawyers advised her to do so. In the end she got NOTHING which would have been over six figures if she had left things alone. Pure Karma...she always despised my mom...but was fake nice to her when she wanted something from her, usually money. Couldn't even show her face at the funeral...which was a good thing for everyone.
mine "grieved" by tattooing "stay away" onto his own leg, harrassing me with text messages and telling me everything i ever wanted to hear while blaming me for his mental collapse at the same time. it was terrifying. it was like he worshipped me yet wanted to kill me at the same time.
From my experiences, I find that the malignant narcissist tries to Hoover their scapegoat when not knowing how to deal with their emotions (in this case, grief), but in the best case their attempt is met with rejection. That rejection causes a narcissistic injury, so they turn their already present anger towards the scapegoat. I feel like the malignant narcissist look for that expected rejection to try to validate being angry.
Your comment is absolutely 💯 a must read, very complex, I have to read it 3x. It's exactly what happens, thank you.
Poor scapegoat . That’s the one who needs and deserves the most love kindness and understanding but never gets it sadly . That scapegoat is me .
@@PRETTYGIRLSWAGG918 me too. My father has tried to hoover me since Mum died and I have had the courage to reject him and now he is turning nasty.
I’m going through this now with the loss of my grandmother. She had cancer and I stayed with her and the toxic family to care for her. I’m now financially stuck and trying to find a way out. What makes it worse...it’s my father, who lived with her and mooched supply and money etc off of her his entire life and he has his act of being “dad of the year” down pat for others and what actually happens at home is quite different. He acts like he cared for her all alone, gives me no credit for all I did. He actually plays up and uses his grieving son act to get more sympathy from others and paints me to be insensitive to his experience, invalidating my experience-completely. I’m beyond playing along and while I don’t call him out (bc it insights his rage), I simply cannot play along anymore. It’s been a nightmare.
Aimee i feel your pain. Went through this in 1983 when my grandmother died..i sacrificed college and work. Dad came in and swooped the assets left me homeless and broke. You will survive and learn to depend on the kindness of strangers...
This sounds challenging, and I hope you have a good friend to listen and be there for you. Friends or even a pet dog or cat, etc (not the same as human I know but they will listen and stay near you) help by hearing your thoughts when a toxic family or family member disallows another person's grief.
@@Coral_Forever I have a doggie and 4 kittens were abandoned in my shed tight after my granny passed away so I have a whole troop of furry friends! Wild animals visit me as well! I’ve dove into inner healing and gotten very spiritual since it all happened and have opened up to much outside support. Working on opening my heart and trusting others to help me get through this. Trusting others has been the most challenging part, but I’m making progress.
My ex carried on and on, weeping copiously about his terminally ill brother. I would not have the brother in my home because of his notoriously violent temper, NamVet flashbacks, immense strength, plus fecal incontinence and horrible hygeine (later learned he was Hep C positive). However, I invited the brother to family meals. I did ALL the work to get him into low-income senior housing, a handicapped accessible apartment. I did the extensive intake process for Hospice, furnished the apartment, bought him food, etc. Meanwhile, my narc husband persuaded his secret lover to let both him and his brother move in with HER a month later. It would have been ironically funny, if narc had not threatened physical harm to both me and my sister. It was a messy, scary process, but I am free and happy now.
I have lost my dad a few years ago and my divorced narc mother has turned on me. Ive always been the scapegoat child but ive ad to go no contact for my own sanity. I havent been able to grieve properly for my dad and the absence of a mother and I am still struggling. Thank you Dr Ramani for covering this subject. It has made me feel less alone.
Exactly this happened when my Mother passed away... my sister and her daughters did not even called me, and asked me how am I, they ghosted me even many years after .. on the 2nd day of the death, I have met with the youngest daughter on the street, I was totally depressed so did not realize that it is her, and she walked away and said hello with a smile!! It was like a nightmare... then I started to search what can be the reason for the behaviour and realized very slowly the narcissistic pattern in the family....
For my ex, it was about the loss of control over that person. Enraged him
I'd love to learn more about grieving the death of a narcissist parent. I know I can't be the only one who's been through this, and I think it would help to hear more about what the family dynamics are like for others who experience this.
In my experience with that, your damned if you do and damned if you dont, people expect to see a certain kind of grieving, when you dont have that kind of grieving within you, it is best to not pretend you do. If you dont have grief within you, dont give yourself grief. I just say to people, what do you want me to say? How do you want me to act? What do you want to see? . I had enough of serving people what they want !!!
I didn't grieve the death of either parent. My father's speciality was humiliating me as often as possible. My mother proudly announced that she'd spiked my milk with brandy when I was an infant and tried to smother me with a pillow when I was 2. And sooo much more...So, no. I didn't grieve their passing. Subsequently I suppose I grieve what could or might have been.
I don't what too say
@@richardburmeister5776 Totally understand!! I could not stand to be around my parents, they supported the person who sexually abused me for 4 years and had the nerve to ask me if I was trying to shame the family. No love loss, no grief.
I just felt relief when my dad passed away. Witch in turn made me sad that I had that feeling of relief, soon realizing I had no reason to be sad about this loss. (horrible psychopath) Then my mom passed, a very damaged women who I took care of for most of my life and was just worn out and luckily passed in her sleep. This was also relief, mostly because of the peace she deserved and apparently couldn't get in life. That leaves me with a narc sister who is milking every drama from small to the bigger things, never having paid attention to her mother in any significant way now has a fricking altar and is the bereft daughter and needs all the attention in the world, especially she need to be told how sad it is for her to have this loss or whatever else dramatic is whisked up on a daily basis.
My ex wife made tons of jokes at funerals and never let sad emotions show. Even at her own sister's funeral (age 35), she seemed surprisingly level headed. Weird
My SILs dad died. Her mom called after a week crying requesting her to come over. My SIL said - "it will take an hour . I don't have time. " My SIL went to beauty parlor after that for 3 hrs.
I have to laugh, how many times I thought about my ex's responses. Once realizing it was a narcissistic response, that I said "weird".
If you feel it was weird.....it was weird. Trust your gut.
@@debsabatino311 If you feel it's daunting,maybe because it is,fool⚠️
@@Jackgritty28 very odd response. Can't even imagine what you got out of what I said and don't care.
My grandmother passed away when I was 12. I am 36, and my mom still talks about how she "couldn't be there." When my grandma died, because she was at my sister's graduation. In the beginning it felt like she was just sad, to not be there. But over the years as she kept beating herself up over it. I never understood why she couldn't just realize that she wasn't there, but my grandma didn't die alone (2 of my aunts were there). But she always says I was supposed to be there for MY mom. She was going to come stay with ME, after we got back. To her it's more about the need to have been the ONE there for my grandma. Because my mom was her helper, being her helper is what stroked her ego. It's about that others get to say they were there for my grandma, others get to tell the story. She thinks it makes her look bad, mind you my mom had not lived near my grand ma for over 30 years at that point.
I feel like I am both a narcissist and not a narcissist bc I seem to flip back and forth. It is SO wonderful to feel that I’m finally in the right place where I can learn how to overcome and heal. I feel like I’ve been fighting an imaginary battle in my head for most of my life in order to stay sane.
i support you,you can do this,self healing is hard but trust me,its worth the hardships
@@aylinarkan199 Thank you Aylin
... The grieving narc will discuss only the drama-filled moment of the deceased's life... still rejoicing in gossip, versus the remembrance of the person's life... They will tell and re-tell the same stories, every time the name of the deceased is mentioned. They will brag if they can about the achievements of the deceased as if they were their own
Still so amazed to realize how many other people went through the same experiences I did.
Yessss omg...you explained this so well.
My sister who is a narcissist said to me when our mother passed away " she was already dead a long time ago" and she add " my bros and myself are usless" ...since that day I cut her of my life and there's less drama and I have a peace of mind... sometimes siblings are the worst !!!!! God blessed you all.
Dear Dr. Ramani,
Sadly, my younger brother just recently took his own life, and unbeknownst to me, he had traits of NPD, from my mother. She too is a true Narcissist, and I am the Scape Goat. It's a very challenged and strained relationship. She will not change; no empathy, constantly gaslight and in denial.
Thank you for helping me recognize and learn about this personality disorder.
Thank you so much it happened to me 6 weeks ago. My beloved mum died after 10 years of cancer. Now its easier to understand my fathers reactions. Knowledge is soo important. I found your channel at the right time.
When my mom died in 1979 when I was 13, my father appeared not to grieve and quickly moved on. My father, brother and I didn't speak about my mother after she died, and it's only now, at age 57, that I realize how detrimental this was. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for clarifying this.