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How To Baffle A Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 30 апр 2023
- It's common for people to complain about how baffling narcissists are and how impossible it is to blend with them. The truth is that they love to gaslight you into feelings of confusion. But what if you turned the tables by deciding you won't play along with their mind games? It's possible that you can respond in ways that baffle the narcissist!
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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My new favorite line is...
"as a former 2yr old myself, I can relate to your tantrums'
LOLOLOL
😂
💥That's golden, Kevin! Stellar, Sir. 💫
Oh the tantrums! Watching an 88 yr old narc have a tantrum in your car is gross. They always choose places where you cannot remove yourself. Ugh.
🔥🙏🔥🥰🔥🙏🔥
Being ethically immovable is what really baffles them. They are very confident they can manipulate you by weakening your boundaries. If they can’t, they really can’t figure out what has “gone wrong” 🤔😇
You're onto it!
When I read this, it hit me that they really do go after your ethics! I would get into all kinds of explaining . . .
Well said ❤
Stay strong. Holding your ground will be like challenging the narc to a game. A deeply manipulative game where they try to poke at you to find your weak spots.
Yes!! After more than a decade of no contact, my narc sister is totally confused to why she can't control me anymore. Yes, I've learned some stuff, mostly to set and enforce my boundaries and this delicate detachment. I've seen her "WTF just happened" face on several occasions when she realized her tactics no longer work. Ofcourse she's now on a smear campaign and (yay!) removing herself to the periphery of my life, as I've now become a liability to her carefully crafted image and the lies she build her entire life on. To me its confirmation that I've now graduated 'narcissism class' 👩🎓😄
Narcissists crave relevance. It baffles them when they're irrelevant to you.
100% accurate!
Stay aloof….and unconcerned.
Exactly this. This is the whole lesson in one sentence 😊
Even if you only look aloof and look unconcerned. They can't see what is going on inside 😉
My father was a covert narcissist. That's how he handled my overt narcissist mother.
This is one of the things that made my ex's life difficult in the last year or two. I got more and more difficult to bait. He could still set me off, but he had to work hard enough that it showed. My daughter-in-law said she'd been wondering for over a year when the divorce would happen. I asked her what she'd been seeing, and what my part in it had been. (An important question, since he'd positioned me with the family as "the Angry One.") She didn't even hesitate. "Oh, you were fine, but he can be awfully cold."
Difficult.
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.
After learning (finally) to understand and emotionally manage the narcissist - I find the biggest pain of it all is the certain knowledge that nothing can be done with this relationship at all. It is a limited relationship that must be controlled and has no breadth or meaning because everything is based on the falseness of the narcissist. This is painful when it is a family member or long standing friend.
Correct - It was my long time friend - he started to be not like all people in his teens already - then he tended to be abusive. Much later he changed to be only psychicaly dominating - 95% time he talked only about what happened to him last time, often repeating the same story many times , how he reacted. and pointing other people that they hurt] him and deserve his serious revange by affecting their job . Defending those people that they actualy were right because he was the cause of problem makes only upset and claims that his stories should not to be broken
In my case it's my mother, what a childhood I had, I was the Cinderella, baby sitter, cook plus I went to school and worked just to get away. I was always punished for what the other children did. Things were very different when I dad or grandmothers were there. Mom would say it's all my fault that the children did so and so I would get hit with the metal handle of the fly swatter, or have a slipper thrown at me. I couldn't go out with friends on Saturday till all the house work was done. And she NEVER missed an opportunity to call me an elephant, this line I will never forget. "Marry the first person that asks cause nobody wants to marry an elephant " well Emma I am married almost 50 years to someone I chose, not the first person either!!! I have an amazing family 2 wonderful daughters. And now your ill at 85 and want me to cate for and nurture you. I did for 6 months. I was on the verge of a breakdown , now she is at my daughter's where she is wonderful according to my daughter. Good for her she's not coming back here ever again. Sorry for venting but I really needed this. Thanks guys❤
@@jamiekendall7245hugs to you!❤
@@jamiekendall7245 I'm sorry you went thru and are going through this.
I had a wonderful mother and I can't even imagine what it would be like to be raised in a home by someone who is your enemy in every way, every day.
I've only been formally introduced to these monsters the last 10 years and it's already driven me to the psych ward, cost me everything I had from home of 17 years, countless vehicles (my beloved old Ford truck that smelled like my Grandparents home), two miscarriages directly caused by the abuse, my entire family except one priceless dear sister, my reputation.... Just... A total living nightmare!
Whenever I hear about someone having a parent or guardian that is a narcissist my heart just breaks for all the joy & innocence we deserve in childhood that was cruelly stolen from you.
I seriously feel like crying 🥺
So I want to say "Good job for surviving and deciding YOU are master of your destiny and creating a beautiful life despite her. I'm proud of you.
For being so strong and I'm sorry you HAD to be."❤️
And you even tried to take care of the evil witch!
I believe that she will start to show her true colors the longer she remains at your daughters.
You can just sit back, detach from the situation, and focus on your own healing and mental health - be GOOD to yourself - and God willing that snake hangs on long enough to validate you in some way.
Don't count on it.
Still...you never know.
Just don't let her create any division between you and your kids.
Cuz you know that's her next move.
They are predictable.
That's a Saving Grace.
Much love to you and yours.
And all who fight these unnecessary and UNBELIEVABLE battles 🙏
Indeed. You have hit on it. The pain is real.
Success - give them boundaries, don't show emotion, stay calm, expose them covertly to everyone, no contact, laugh, have fun without them - watch them die inside cos they lost absolute control, they play the victim, make you look like a nut job - true self revealed, games up😂
I like the idea of exposing them covertly. It’s hard when it’s your mother because people don’t want to hear that. My mother was a charismatic narcissist-until people got caught in her web and learned the truth. Still many adored her. Narcissists can be fun up to a point.
@@lillianbarker4292 Just mirror their behaviour back. They have no empathy they want anger and arguments, don't give it to them. Lies eventually catch up with them.
@@dumblizzie i agree 👍
Exactly. My principles - 1) give them zero information 2) don't react 3) don't show emotions 4) don't personalize their behavior. They weaponize all information, reactions, and emotions against their victims. Very emotionally reactive people who love stirring the pot, yet shame other people for their emotions. Always pressing buttons.
The littlest things trip them up. They aren't too bright.
A lot of narcissist will be mad at you for sticking up for yourself because they weren't able to stick up for themselves against the narcissist in their lives that controlled them.
It is a fallacy that narcs have had terrible upbringing. If they had, they'd be more compassionate beings. No. The narc is a childhood bully, a self entitled pratt who thinks the world owes them.
The covert I deal with operates a bit differently. They do things to annoy you to get your attention, and then if you take the bait and argue, they blame it on you. I've learned to remove myself mentally and physically. It's amazing though the lengths they will go to get your attention. They really are children in so many ways. Thanks, Doc, another great video!
Covert narcs are WILD
Two things I’ve found helpful.
1-The organism does what has made the organism successful. (Greg Hartley) he’s on The Behavior Panel
re: non-verbal communication
2-DEEP. Dr. C just mentioned it. Through that acronym, I feel like I have a superpower:
Don’t Defend
Don’t Engage
Don’t Explain and
Don’t Personalize
When you know you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t defend yourself, there’s no point. Then the rest is self-explanatory
And knowing that it’s not you, it’s all in the narcissist (And I agree, I’ve found the coverts to be one of the worst of the subtypes and most devious of them all) is a game changer.
There are two books that I found through a hobby of mine, nonverbal communication and behavior profiling, that have changed my life (along with Dr. C) that I like to share in the hopes that I might help someone else. One is by Gavin de Becker called The Gift of Fear (it’s not what you think it’s about) this book is a survival manual that reads like a novel. The other is Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro. It’s also a survival manual; however a bit different. They’re both easy reads, eye opening experiences and have the capacity to save a life.
-take care ❤
I worked with someone like that.
Became a toxic environment.
Yes, coverts are very very sly.
Haha, that is narcissism 101, do things to get a reaction then blame you for reacting. That's what they LOVE to do.
“We clearly think very differently.” No need to say anything further.
So true! Very frustrating!
“i really don’t think i need to defend myself like i have in the past” that’s gold, will add that to my lexicon 👍
Vanish (disengage) abruptly w/o any "farewell" spoken.
Yep! That’s going to be my plan. However, I know that my sister will try to reconnect with me at sometime in the future, but I’m going to ignore her. She can be the most vile hateful person to me. I’m done.
Your self respect has to be real. Because if youre faking it youll give in eventually and be super bothered and retaliatory
So true!!
You're so right!
It helps to have a role-play person to help with self respect. Practice forming the neurological pathways to have in place so one does not feel so blindsided when N's attempt their nonsense.
It depends on your relations with the narc when you have a kid they use the kid as a pawn. This can be frustrating and downright hurtful. He doesn't know I know. I keep my boundaries in tact and don't communicate directly with him.
Yes, narcissism can become very embedded within family systems, can become learned behavior, intergenerational, and can lead to a lot of anger and resentment.
Oh dear Doc, how much I wish you could have explained all this to me when I was a kid. You make my heart feel better! Sending you a giant hug🧡🧡🧡
Hug received, Stanley! If I ever meet you in person we'll do it right!!
Your childhood will never go away. I know, that sucks. Still does here too.
Keep listening to the Dr. His words are insightful
A big hug to you too.👍👍👍👍😁😁
Yes, that would have been wonderful! I knew something was really wrong in my family as far back as I can remember. Just to have been told there was nothing wrong with us would have meant the world. I remember that song Free To Be You and Me, as a kid, and it really made an impact on me and gave me hope. I was lucky to have a kind, loving grandmother, too. If not for her, I don't think I would have survived.
@@cathybutcher4826 à2
It would have been good. But remember, you were a child. None of it was your fault. Took me years to realize it and I deal with my past every day.
My narc mother was always an instigator. Loved to stir me up. I would fall into her trap every time. I would become emotional and argue back. Had no idea she was feeding off of it. I am free now; went no contact a year ago. Life is drama-free and no chaos.
God bless you❤
20 years of distancing from my narc daughter is freedom.
The light comes on.
This learning on the journey adds to your power permanently.
@@carolwilliams9143 Carol that must have been so painful for years, I can’t imagine having a narcissist child. I’m so proud of you for enforcing your boundaries. Sigh.
Been dealing with this, even though clearly life is better after no contact, was it difficult to manage the feelings that it’s your mom? I have this issue right now
Through Doc's teachings and other resources, I endeavored NOT to engage a coworker who was angling for a conflict. She looked as if she was about to self destruct.
There was someone where I worked who gave me deliberate dirty looks, scanning me with contempt, only when we were alone so I had no witnesses! The then at an office party when he was seated across from me, instead of avoiding his eye, I addressed him directly in a friendly way as if none of his garbage had ever happened. He didn't know how to handle it! He looked this way and that way, trying to avoid engaging with me. I just played stupid. He WANTED me to be upset.
@Moxie Pooties That was an effective way to subtly have him know you're onto him & his game plan was an epic fail.
Toy with her until she does.
My employee knew I was on to her so she resorted to telling on me by going to the chair of the board. The chair sided with her and I quit.
@@trying2survive602 A lot of people, especially supervisors have a resistance to thinking to deeply about the mind.
I am getting told I am being mean to them and I have real mental issues when I don't play their game.
I love Dr. Carter because he always spells out what to actually DO. From today's video ... When they accuse, gripe and complain: offer simple self affirming comments: 1) Say, I know that I don't make sense to you, but I make sense to me. 2) Simply say no. 3) Say, That's the decision I've made. In addition: A) Turn down invitations to argue or gripe in reverse, given words will fall on deaf ears. B) When they come at me with anger, choose detachment. Pure gold, Dr. Carter.
And don't forget the single word that'll cause them the most irritation, "whatever".
This is so confusing, because I had someone who had covert narcissistic tendencies Heavily virtue signal to indicate we have all the same values,as he carefully cultivated the facade of a false self he thought I would like best, and then, after hurting me, and disposing of me, played the victim and made me holding him accountable all about how I was making him feel and how I was forcing his hand to communicate before he could think of something thoughtful and encouraging to say (even though he admittedly was feeling angry at me, NOT thoughtful, NOT encouraging) then as the weeks passed and many miscommunications and one attempt to take the attention off of how he was actually treating me later, I was emulating his ick and he was trying to emulate my values…he inversion of a narc and his victim, according to Prof Sam Vaknin. But, from the outside, if no one experienced what I experienced first hand in regards to all the truth shifting, gas lighting, and him trying to control my mind and my narrative, I can ABSOLUTELY see how I could come across at the narcissist for spiraling into such a haze of confusion and emotions for being treated so poorly while the guy was SAYING all the right things.
He would also steal my stances on things, and sometimes even my words, and try to pass them off as his stances and his words. Here’s where he could never properly emulate me though; emotions. He was nearly dead inside. Every time he tried to trick me with performative, reward driven “empathy” it came across as flat. There was no depth or feeling to him. He was…soooo heavily focused on controlling the narrative and how he th wanted to appear to appear to m, his lack of feeling stood out with such high contrasts between his supposed intentions, his words, and his actions…it was SO confusing to experience!
I have cut them all off and none of them are welcome in my life in any way and noone controls me. Like you said doc,I stand on my truth and my dignity
This is the best way. When you walk into them pretend they don’t exist as if you have never met them.
Nothing better than watching and listening to someone clearly state WHAT IS SANITY. Like a breath of fresh air. When you compare everything Dr. C says here with how some individuals in this society think and operate, especially narcs, you see the BIG DIFFERENCE.
In a nutshell: "Don't Engage". But you can only do this for so long when living with a narc partner. You end up cutting off, shutting down, finding a quiet corner or an empty room. I did this - but then I found out her ex partner had done this too! That was my light bulb moment and what led me to find out more about this narcissistic use and abuse. (I had noticed a pattern of similar behaviour in myself and her ex) 3 years on from leaving - still surviving and learning!
I wasnt alowed to have a corner, when I left the bedroom while she was in a tantrum, she would scream that I abandoned her. She made me feel guilty for not continuing fights and trying to calm down..
Also same patterns as her ex, also started drinking although I hate alcohool, also went into therapy for low self esteem and so on.
This advice goes well with an expression I heard long ago, "never argue with a fool since bystanders may not be able to tell the difference". The Narcissist IS the fool!
I’m in my healing journey and I laughed when I heard you said “I’m gonna take [my difference from narc] as a compliment”. I love you injecting humor into the narc topics, which could quite triggering.
Me tooo 😅🤣
The day the narcissist(dad) tells me I am not like him, I will take that as the highest compliment! :-)
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I had a similar experience. My narc dad said to me, “you don’t understand anything!” I was like, “yep, that’s because I’m not a narc.”
I’ll likely never have the good fortune to escape my narcissistic abuser, but I have learned a few coping skills. Talk about something positive happening in your life (no matter how bad things may seem at the time) and don’t allow them to interrupt. Don’t raise your voice but continue speaking and make eye contact if possible. Alternatively or additionally, talk about an act of compassion you witnessed or heard about, slowly. Few things interest them less. I’m physically disabled but with practice I’ve learned after almost 50 years now how to chase my abuser out of the room. Playing the Doc in the background has helped on more than a few occasions!
Your amazing bless you❤
Don't defend,don't engage,don't explain don't take it personally
Having faced an entire family of assorted narcissists, I look back and see that the real me never had a chance. I wish you had told me twenty years ago that I didnt have to get wordy. I bet they wish the same! Thank you for today's message. Some days my family has their hands full with me and this is helpful to keep me honest.
You have learned to get wordy because people don't listen so you try to over explain.
I think my youngest sister is in the same situation as you are. Our mother and father were overt and covert narcissists respectively. We both were controlled and emotionally neglected for the majority of our childhood. So when I realized my needs weren't being met, I realized I am becoming cruel harsh, and condescending towards my younger sister. She is 23 and I'm 28 and in case she says something that offends me I yell so much at her.. she has become really quiet in the outside world and doesn't have any friends because she is afraid of being left out and lonely..I am going through a divorce right now due to narcissistic abuse from mother in law and husband, and I'm back home. One day I'm nice to my sister and the next day I ignore her because of my depression. In case she comes to my room and says something to comfort me but it ends up being offensive, I yell at her and chase her away..
She complained of loneliness and feeling unloved/unwanted when I asleep.. but I did hear her and cried a lot later..
I think I have developed neglect and narcissistic tendencies to cope .. I'm really sad and idk how to comfort her despite my difficulties and hardships
As you have mentioned that you are from a family of assorted narcissists,
do u have any suggestions on how to make her feel better and help her build the low self-esteem she developed because of my behavior toward her?
@@eclectigirl that's 100% true!!
Yes, I look back at the 5 year old me and know they were a great kid but didn't stand a chance
@@kays7940 Fix yourself, and stop being mean to her, and apologize!
One thing I think a lot of narcissists do: they stop talking because their minds are whirling away manipulating, and this - leaves a pregnant pause in the conversation. They're suddenly silent because they're hiding their opinion. Or, they're silent - because they're plotting. If conversation is tennis they arent hitting the ball back. But the pauses are short. Then they go back to talking. So to me, these sudden silences are a big red flag.
Superb comment….pause….😂 👍🙏🏻
I enjoyed that one Dr. Carter. You can’t give them the reaction they seek. You can confuse them even more than they already are.
😅🤣😂
“Never play chess with a pigeon.
The pigeon just knocks all the pieces over.
Then shits all over the board.
Then struts around like it won.”
😂 Very, *very well said.
I love that saying! 😂
Really like your analogy!!!!
Thank you so much for this! When you said the bit about "trust your gut", I thought about how in the past (through childhood) our gut told us that we are stupid, a bad person, fill-in-the-blank. But after learning that all this isn't our fault and we're not stupid, a bad person, etc, something changes in our gut. I'm finally starting to genuinely like myself for the first time in my life. So when they come at me with implications that I'm stupid, a bad person, etc, I can know in my gut that it's not true. Thank you so much for the validation!
You...ARE WONDERFULLY MADE...BY GOD
I can totally relate to this ❣
My Dad a narcissist and he pushes me . Anything to come at me . He is impossible . Thank youfor all your videos . I am 50 and having to live with my parents . Least my mom not this way.
Look at the evidence? Do you have long term friendships? Are you able to make new friends that turn into good friends? Do you have good relationships with healthy family members?
If so - obviously you are a likeable, decent person.
Just be happy & laugh & stay at arms length…works every time for me
For me, keep a journal. don't need to elaborate, just write date, time, things like "Phyllis said good morning to everyone but me. I said good morning, and she said "Ugh, you again." Nobody but me heard it. This encounter was rude and uncalled for. I turned back to my work, acted like it was normal." This journal helped me because later she will gaslight and say I was never pleasant, and she would gossip all kinds of falsehoods.
I also tell myself I am fine the way I am.i am kind and treat everyone with respect. And I do t care what Phyllis says or thinks of me, because I have plans and friends and I will succeed in my life.
Great advice.
This is how I discovered discrepancies with the person covert narc who gaslit me…the journal entries were SO helpful in finding clarity again
Had one once that was relentless. Well...until I started carrying a small airhorn. I was respectful until their drama started. Then I blasted it and smiled every time they started. They eventually learned the boundry. 😂
That is AMAZING! I love it.
"They do them, I'll do myself "
Thank you Dr Carter
Do what you gotta do
Would you consider doing a video about abuse amnesia? This is the coping mechanism that victims have and that malignant types tend to prey on. It happens after an incident or after the abuser is indifferent and cold and then flips, manipulating the victim back into letting their guard down. This is all a cycle where the abuser then preys on the victim once again after their guard is down. It would be great to get some advice on how to stop this as the victim and to not fall in to that trap, especially when you live with a narcissist (or they are in your home) and don't have a way to get out of the situation right away.
I have huge gaps in remembering parts of the relationship with the narc.
way same here. But it helps me not to lose my mind.
Thanks for asking for this .. I have thst
I have to constantly remind myself where my boundaries are.
I think if the victim writes everything down in a secret journal in real time, they can eventually snap out of it.
This message is especially impactful for me, Dr. Les. I've come away from most interactions with my narcissistic brother baffled, frustrated, stomach churning, depressed. Instead of just disengaging, I keep trying. Rinse and repeat.
This video shows me a way out, at long last. 'Delicate detachment' and a secret, delicious enjoyment of knowing he'll be baffled from now on. I can do this!
Thank you again, Dr. Les, I belive with your wise and compassionate words I have just turned a corner.
So pleased for you!!
It IS delicious, isn’t it! No malice but still ends up baffling them. Prepare for their reload though. My ex always recalibrates his plans. They don’t give up attempts to control.
It's actually quite comical when they are stumped but don't let em see ya laughin.
don’t defend
don’t explain
don’t engage
don’t personalize
This is my new superpower
Words to live by
I had the same with my sister, I still feel physically anxious before I see her. In the last year after most interactions with her I would come home and descend into tears as I was confused and hurt by her behaviour too. The last few times I've seen her, I've not profferred up much personal information unless asked (which is mostly never), am pleasant but striving to be emotionally disengaged to protect myself, and helps me to see the abusive behaviours clearly for what they are. Having others around as a buffer really helps too. The most recent time I saw her she was still distant with me, but if everyone else was engaged in a topic I wasn't fussed about I just looked at my phone rather than desperately try to get involved. I'm wondering if this has thrown her off, as she texted me out of the blue in the following days, which is now quite rare, in an attempt to draw me back in I think.
Yes, you’re right. And smile . And walk away…
Exactly right, Dr. C. What used to rope me in every time, in addition to the bad temper, arbitrary vindictiveness, etc., was when the narcissist would say, "you always think (insert false accusation. ) or "You just want (insert false statement. ) N had no idea what I actually wanted or what I thought because it was always all about him. I had no resources of my own for counseling so finally I made a pact with myself to stop being hooked into it. When he raged & barked those statements I would reply calmly, "Thanks for your assessment, but I've checked myself thoroughly and don’t find that to be true." This infuriated him, which I ignored. Within less than a year he left our family for a much younger person. I recently saw them at a family function, forty years later, and she was still nervously tending to his every whim and demand. I feel for her but we all make our choices. My life hasn't been easy but I feel blessed I came to my senses when I did.
My mother deliberately says things to hurt me. She gets a kick out of it. After over 40 yrs of going through this, I went no contact last year. Since then, mom, and each sibling is hoovering me. One sibling accused me of being a bad christian & a bad daughter for going no contact. I made the mistake of trying to explain myself. This sibling became irate and I no longer recognized who I was speaking with. She wanted to argue and I didn't. My heart rate sped up and I became anxious. After watching this video, I have learned ( the hard way ), not to explain myself to a narcissistic person. Thank You for this video ❤
Yep,
never argue with an idiot as you will only take yourself down to their level.
I turn a full 180 (turn my back to him) to an idiot at work and walk off
The old Irish saying, "Never take an idiot with you as you will find one on your way"
Iam 62. Iam proud of you.
Wish I had your strength .
Agree with them. They become so confused that anyone would actually agree with their nonsense. Takes away all their power over you.
THAT’s b’coming the narcissist 🧐
J S when you take your power back they start sinking hard and fast
AGREE Mandy…. Anyway, that technique will be used by the next fool. 😆
@@elcee7800 EL Cee 🤣🤣🤣
Bland. I will say very neutral things like “that’s an interesting perspective” .. and just walk away .. life is short.
Last summer I told my mother, brother and sister I was done with the three of them. I took your advice and told them my decisions are mine alone, I don't need to run them through anyone. They were scrambling after that, talking to cousins to start the smear campaign. Only my mother tried to call after that, leaving messages that were off the wall, to say the least. Thanks for the advice you and other coaches have helped many of us trying to get through this life as a scapegoat.
💪
I did the same in 2010 & I’ve never been happier. I finally own my life. I can think. I can breathe.
Good job!! It’s tough to get out of their evil grip! ❤
I ghosted my narcissist. Talk about baffling him! He never did come after me. Three years later he just commented to a thread on a Facebook message from 6 years ago. Hoovering. I ignored him.
When I finally went no-contact from my elderly narc mom, she left a message on my phone saying "I'm sorry YOU got mad". Classic narc response. It made me chuckle.
I take issue not just with these conttolling narcissist, but with those who support them and hide behind them.
Stick to what feels GENUINE! Even though a NARCASSIST gets protection, you still woop his ASS if he DESERVES IT!
Narcissists are overbearing bullies... I went no contact twenty-five years ago... Loving yourself is your first priority...
Self-love, self-respect, staying firm, not over explaining or justifying decisions...all within our own control! This approach has successfully worked not only to baffle my narcissistic family members but also their flying monkeys and enablers. My husband and I have also recently read your book "When Pleasing You is Killing Me" and it has changed our lives in similar ways. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge in such clear and accessible ways!
With narcs, you have to apply Brandolini's Law. They lie and make stuff up in seconds (and spread their gossip and lies to their flying monkey network), yet it drains all your time and energy trying to explain, justify, and defend what the actual reality is. Since narcs weaponize all personal information.... Rule #1 = they get zero information.
I have found my place of PEACE and I love it here! 😊
Pleased on your behalf!
I was having anger issues, my counselor and I realized the source was that I wanted to see the narcissist get hers. We started calling this 'na-nan-boo-boo'. I wanted to rub the narcissist's nose in the fact that I broke free and am successful but I didn't feel I was getting that satisfaction (petty, I know). The counselor asked what my feeling was and and I said na-nan-boo-boo. She explained that when I held my ground, kept to my true self, didn't change myself to fit her expectation and held my self-determined course, I WAS telling the narcissist na-nan-boo-boo even though to me it didn't feel like that was what I had done, I had to accept that the narcissist loses on her terms, not mine. So, I got in the na-nan-boo-boo on that woman even though she isn't reacting as I wanted her to react, I wanted to see her wilt in front of me; she isn't going to do that so I have to accept that I got my jab in. I think I'm beginning to calm down.
I will remember that Nanabooboo 😅🤣😂😹
After listening to your meesage , I continue to reguard a narsissist as a continual waste of time . How sad 😢
Avoid whenever possible ❣
These days I wear my Teflon suit around these individuals and I say to myself and/or to them: I am 100% fine with my choices.
Also, I have been noticing, that troubled souls stay away from people who know themselves/are authentic.
I am 💯% confident that I'm coping and doing what's best for me right now.
I hear that! ❤️
My elderly mom moved in with us last fall. She fell multiple times a day. But only when someone was near to catch her. There was usually a dramatic fall when we had family and friends for dinner, sometimes followed by weeping.
At first, we felt bad for her. But we compared notes and realized she'd never hit the ground once, though she had "fallen" hundreds of times in a few months. She often walked by herself and could be spry the moment we asked if she wanted to go to town. She did other things. We'd be taking family finances or having story time with the children, she'd walk into the room, sit down, and loudly groan. Over and over. If you asked her what was wrong, she'd ignore you and keep groaning. Family discussions grinding to a halt. She's been to the doctor regularly. There's no reason the doc can find for her agony.
Came to a head two weeks ago. We had a big dinner party. She was getting a plate of food and suddenly sprung backwards, flailing. We caught her. She said, "I'm sorry!" I told her, "No you're not, you're faking these falls." She convulsed dramatically, and this feeble old lady who normally mumbles in a weak voice screamed "Wha... wha... wha... WHAT?" and then threw her plate, stomping to her bedroom, slamming the door. Everyone in the house heard her rage. This is a person who could barely raise her arms normally. The next morning, she was feeble old lady again, weakly telling my wife about a dream she'd had of a family quarrel.
There has not been a single fall since. But now she has sudden onset dementia. She asks several times a day what day it is. She will ask you, you answer, she heads back to her room, pops back out a couple minutes later, asks again. She has Alexa. When we walk by her room, she'll loudly ask Alexa what day it is, get her answer, then repeat the question. I suppose I could confront her on this also, but then it'd be another thing. She's very persistent, I'll grant her that.
We get accused of complaining for having reasonable expectations. For example, if they have a tendency to treat you like a servant or expect you to take on the majority of the household duties and you ask them to do their own laundry, clean up their messes, put things back, put their things away, etc., they say you are complaining. The one I'm dealing with (I can't bring myself to call him a husband) is a hoarder. He expects a mother from me. I am very ill, have limited mobility due to lung disease and yet he still expects that I do everything in the home. To add to it, he goes out of his way to leave things in disarray. If I am unwilling to put up with it and I put my foot down, he threatens to not pay for my medication, restricts me from my doctor's appointments, etc..
Wow! I could have written that exactly as you did!
He makes a nice mess, then shames me because it's a mess!(?).
He will pay for my meds, Dr appointments etc, as long as I'm “good”-(meaning I do exactly what he wants me to, and act how he believes I “should”, and only say what he wants to hear.
If I veer off course, have a different opinion, or God forbid question him, he punishes me by holding back finances, etc.
I feel that I can never be my true self, but instead have to act in his “play”-his story of how things should be. If I don't, I will face the consequences!
After years of this, you forgot who you really are! Always measuring your words/actions etc, to avoid offending them in any way, simply to survive amidst the dysfunction that has come to define your life!
@@lisacharvet2851 It is very challenging. Right now, after four years this time (we were married 2010-2012 and divorced), I got him out and am primed up to keep him out. My health is in crisis right now and it is not worth it. Yes, either allow them to abuse or they will punish you. Fuck them.
I've been hearing grippy and complaining for YEARS! However, I've gone the opposite. I'm going to find a positive and be understanding. I'm getting better at not arguing with my narc. I just say you think the way you think and I will think the way I think. She looks at me like I have 4 eyes, but like I said you think the way you think . I'll think the way I think. I love PEACE.
After 33 yrs of putting up with thinking I'm no good for anybody and on and on and trying not to argue and fight. I've had enough of my husbands crap of Narcissistic ways. He hurt my heart and soul so much, that now when he opens his narcissistic mouth....I walk away! I simply don't have ANYTHING to do with him.
When I was single, I never ever felt lonely, but being married to this ass...I've never felt so lonely in my life. But things are changing fast since I've been doing your videos. My husband is now just someone I AVOID on a daily bases. I do Pickelball, Gardening, Airbrush painting, Abstract art and cat/dog sit, camping, sci fi movies, go to soccer / hockey games, football ect... so I'm off keeping busy learning about my inner self while my husband just sit ALL day and barks orders too the air! I can see why older women in their 60s and 70s get out of the house away from their husband and go do things, because these Narcissistic people get worse with age...they just want to fight...just walk away when they start to bitch.....walk away!
So well said, enough is enough.
Self love from these monsters..
Peace and quiet it's pure heaven.
Luckily my narcissistic brother texts. This gives me time to respond-and a record of his abuse. I just say to myself, “Don’t take the bait”, when he says, “I feel like I’ve lost my sisters” or “ l want to just end it all”. I might say that I hope he gets help, even though he’s never taken my advice in 50 years, and I remember he has never noticed his sisters’ birthdays. Don’t take the BAIT little fishes!😂
I love Gus! He's a real day brighener!
Narcissists/psychopaths are a different breed of human. Just like dolfins are different from sharks, and cows are different from bulls etc. etc. etc.
I was having a disagreement with my future ex spouse and it was elevating. I’ll never forget that I told her quite forcefully, “Look, your wrong about that and I’m not going to fight about it. So don’t get your hopes up”. She was in a state of disbelief that I’ll never forget and the conflict ended. I did the right thing by accident.
She was stunned. Stunned that the game is at an end. Stunned that she has no influence over her primary supply. Stunned that she will have to fool somebody else. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn"
Yeah. I said I don't have time for this stupid petty bullshit. This is what I have chosen to do now live with it.
She was objecting that I had repaired something she broke.
They think we are weak when we put up with their abuse.
Secretly we think they are stupid for their pathetic attempts at control.
1 Corinthians 1:27
But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;
Exactly right!!!! Narcissists hate our confidence and do whatever is necessary to try to cause doubt. If we are strong we can see the silly humor in this and treat it like its a cartoon, easily ignored, even laugh at the foolishness.
My 'not nuts' respons is 'no contact' and my motivation is 'self protection'. The way they try 'to real' you in again, is so childish, which you're gonna see more and more when time goes by. The stronger you get when you don't response at all. And the more self esteem you'll get when it also doesn't get to you anymore. I feel sorry for them, but from a very very far distance and do not feel the need/urge to 'help' them. I'm helping myself by protecting myself.
You are saving yourself....yes self protection!
I found switching up the concersation frequently to topics like spirituality and self health care ususually keeps them silentt.😂
This is reminding me of the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over, yet still getting the same result. Change my thing.
Having recently wired an exhaust fan for a friend's new spa room, I considered the way the weighted louvers automatically close when the fan is off, preventing outside air from entering. Those louvers are sometimes called baffles.
Taking that concept a step farther, when a narcissist is weighed down by their own past, just staying out of the way can shut them down. Something to think about, but not likely the answer to the stream title. Looking forward to this one.
Staying out of the way of a raging bull is hard.
@@rahrahrobbbieee If you know what a bull is capable of, it helps. If you know how a bull is likely to strike out, it helps even more.
Great analogy, Aaron. Know what we are dealing with!
@@nancytwigg4631 Agreed 👍
great analog!
It looks to me like your dog has heard it all before and loves themselves enough to just sleep through the lesson.
It's a nice idea to refuse arguing. Everything they say is meaningless. They just devalue you. It will never be a constructive argument.😀
Getting us to accept a lie or false ideology must be great fun to a narcissist. They must see it as having control in a monumental way. In contrast, getting us to accept something that is true is too easy for the narcissist. They must think , "Where's the challenge?"
The minute I step outside my house, it starts. Surrounded by these kind and it is awful.
Instead of 'loving myself' which denotes a self involved mindset in my opinion, I remind myself that I have value.
Same thing.
II can live with that!!
It's easy to be pulled in, especially when raised with abuse and trauma. Feeling the need to defend one's self due to accepting so much blame in life. It's so good to learn, you don't have to engage with these nuts.
Excellent comment. I find it almost impossible to ignore abuse and you've hit the nail on the head. My existence ruined my mother's life. However, it's hard to do the right thing. How many times do we have to turn the other cheek? We know it hurts because we've been there. The only option is to get away as soon as one can.
@@sarahwagland1559
In truth, I'm sure your existence did *not "ruin" your mother's life, but that you were apparently told them enumerable times, but it's not true.
Seeing Gus just puts me at ease.🥰
Doctor Carter 🥰 , these narcissistists are on a speed that doesn't stop when they talk they don't always think about what say and it reveals their false self. . . I think the best revenge on a narcissist is to have better health than them so we need to eat food that is not processed and look after ourselves to be unlike them 🙂
It's so exhausting trying to play mental chess with these.. entities. I'm not sure they're fully human at this point. It seems they really do all have the same wicked spirit infesting them. You can't really avoid them, either. They're everywhere! I'm trying the "mir doch scheiss egal" approach as it seems to work and annoys them back lol.
My wife has had serious health issues for 3 years now. Despite giving her full support and care during this period.
This has amplified her controlling behaviour .She fits the covert narcissist profile. The worst aspect for me is getting the “silent treatment “if I dare to step on her boundaries. I usually just capitulate for a peaceful life.
Why don't you leave her?
If you show that the silent treatment affects you, that will ensure that it is used again as a tactic. It's not easy, but you have to act outwardly as if it's not a big deal (after a while you will realise that the silent treatment is just a form of tantrum)... and go about what you're doing, and act like a calm adult with full control of how you deal with the situation. When a toddler misbehaves, the parent doesn't cry about it, nor shout, they just calmly pause all interaction until the toddler realises the tantrum will achieve nothing. Go outside for a breath of fresh air, physically separate, and when you come back in, don't act flustered, you'll see them confused and desperate for a clue as to what your new behavior is, don't explain it, just set boundaries.
@@jimbobeire
Would you tell us how you set boundaries? Do you announce that such and such will never happen again or what? How do you enforce them, if one is not a big and forceful man?
@@cacatr4495 Well, that really depends on a lot of factors. Spelling out a boundary can be daunting if your not used to it, but what really counts is being prepared to calmly follow through.
To be honest, I don't find it useful to 'have a long talk' about my boundaries, with somebody who already _knows_ and still chooses to disrespect those boundaries. Better to make a short clear statement once, and then mentally prepare to quit 'business as normal' and let the narc decide if they will get back in line, or continue to disregard your boundaries.
Lowest level is to not engage in anything other than minimal polite talk for necessary tasks. Withdraw your time and attention. If there's anything you're working on together, or a trip you were going to do together, are you prepared to scrap those plans, and resist the attempts to shame and belittle you. With the more experienced narcissist, they will have had someone set boundaries before, so they try to gaslight, shame and demean their victim for 'getting upset over nothing'. Just stick to your principles, and make it clear that you won't be bullied.
I don't claim to be an expert, and I don't know your circumstances, and it would take me several pages to write about the struggle to get boundaries in the relationship I had, which, eventually resulted in us parting ways. Some people's narcissism can be reigned in, and other people's egos can be too much to fix, especially if they have leverage (e.g. if the kids are young) .
Dr. C..... I am in tears.....I SO NEEDED THIS TODAY.....truly at the end of the WHOLE of the narcissist in my life - - - clawing my way out - - YOU LIFTED ME UP....And I am ONLY 5 minutes 12 seconds in to your support in this video today....... THANK YOU. ( he is a covert passive aggressive narc who laid on the couch all weekend, he didn't feel well - walks around with his eyes half shut - like he is going to die, says how exhausted he is - - but NOW is going to play golf today after work.)
Why is it that every time I am told by a narcissist what to do or they repeatedly question my way of doing things I freeze up and can’t stand up for myself? I lose my words and don’t know what to say and am scared of offending them by making my own life decisions for my family and I. They will argue over the smallest thing and try and control everything! I always wind up looking to my husband to defend me because I will just go silent and lose my words and then feel weak for not being able to stick up for myself.
I think in our modern society narcissism has literally run rampant, especially in this gen x. Everyone is entitled, constantly on social media, and there's very little to keep people from giving into their toxic impulses to control things and others. Its all because of their own insecurities and if you expose that and act apathic towards them, they will most times stop trying to abuse you, as youre not an easy target.
I need to watch this every day. Took me over 30 years to realize the truth😢
NONE of my family NOT EVER knew me - when they lived with me or now. They tried to spread the smoke screen about me to the rest of the family - who many decided to believe them and a few who talked to me did not. Since both parents are gone I will never see any of them again. So all can believe what they want. They arent part of my life anymore. Now I understand why some relatives just dropped off the radar to never be heard of again.
They try to tell you how to think. You must conform to their self-serving agenda. They are impossible. They feed off of your frustration. They are not logical.
Turn the tables! Develop a mindset that will baffle them. I am going to love and accept myself with all my flaws. That makes sense to me. I don't feel the need to get my well-being through them. When I form my opinions, I will stick with them. I reason well and will hold on and stay the course. They will gripe and complain. I will just set my teeth and hold on. I won't be surprised any more. I won't feel the need to defend myself any more.
Respect yourself, you are worthy.
* When you keep trying to reason with (someone who won't see reason) you are in their grip.
Persisting makes no sense when you are calm and detached.
They make you feel responsible for their wellbeing and feelings. Don't believe it.
* Attitudinal adjustment leads to behavioural adjustment.
* I am going to accept, even love, myself with all my past mistakes.
I can't change the past, only learn better ways and move forward.
* And I'm going to respect myself.
I don't need to get my sense of worth and dignity from others. They don't define me.
* I'm not shocked or surprised by their bad behaviour any more. I remember what they're capable of.
* I don't feel the need to defend myself like I used to. (Waste of time as they've made up their minds or don't care.) Don't try to persuade them or change their mind about you.
Instead, respond to accusations:
"That's what I've decided," or
"I may not make sense to you, but I make sense to me. And I'm going to let that be."
* I'm not going to argue, just calmly say, "No," and keep my opinion or plan.
* I'm detaching emotionally so as not to get entangled in negative feelings. Stay objective and don't go into subjective (emotional) thinking.
* Develop and hold on to your inner steadiness, love and respect for yourself, and in so doing, enjoy peace!
You said that Narcissist don't think normally, I agree, however the real danger is that others believe them and even attack you for not wanting to be near by the narcissist, and the narcissist can send people to attack you, just because you took their mask off. Some people take a lifetime to understand how malignant this person is. Thank you Dr.
I wasn't always stuck there to argue with my mother. I could have easily just got my keys, got in my vehicle & stayed away for a few hours. I would walk away & go to my room sometime. But the majority of the time I'd stay & battle it out. Looking back, I realize I wasted a bunch of energy for nothing.🤔
I have finally become aware over the last few years just how much of a narcissist magnetic I am. It's up to me to change my thoughts, attitudes and behaviors to put an end to this cycle of abuse I have been unconsciously allowing into my life by relationship choices, even though the choices have a direct relationship to children trauma out of my control. Testing opportunities have presented themselves since the beginning of this year. Using the lessons learned here, I have quietly and simply shut down the narcissists. One person was a brand new acquaintance that I quickly realized was going to be toxic. The others were long tine friendships I didn't want to be honest with myself about for years. It is has truly been water shed moments. Everything I feared would happen did not happen but rather the exact opposite. I am finally alive and increasingly learning to function at a healthy, happy level.
I confronted a narc....SET VERY CLEAR AND CONCISE BOUNDARIES....
boy oh boy....he did his evil laugh and did it anyways.....
To make matters worse.......he told my Pastor absolute complete downright lies(and pastor believed him)...and then the narc looked at me and did his EVIL LAUGH AGAIN !.....
😢😔🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤯😤🤯🤮
Doc, I don't want to baffle a narcissist, I just want to lose them forever.
Implying that we should even want to get into these games with them, isn't healthy.
We all need to close THAT door.
Dr. Carter, I understand this 100% and completely agree with you. I have lived through this with my ex and know that when I just gave up on him and started doing what I thought was right and let him throw whatever fits he wanted to throw, it was like a big surprise to him and he didn't know how to deal with it. It took away his power. He is in my past, now. In a way, I am grateful to have known him because, hopefully, it will help me to recognise narcissism in others.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos. How I found you I don’t no. Guess God new I needed to hear what you had to say! You have literally saved my life!!! Teaching me to remember where I came from and how happy I was 43 years ago until I married a narcissist which I didn’t know they even existed until I ran across you.
Ditto.stay health ly
I could be the one who wrote ALL these words ,
I start to believe all narcs have the same father 😮
@@user-we4ly2jr5u
the same father, *satan.
Me too ✋️ I'm dealing with a narc manager and somehow Dr C came into my feed. God definitely knew that l needed his advice. Take care.
I grew up the middle problem child.
Only now (2yrs shy of 60), do I see that my "problem" was my sadistic narcissist PARENTS. Yes, both! Thanks to my wife, I know what it's like to be loved without conditions.
Been living with wifes daughter who is a narcissist.
Due to my disability, I can't move right now. Been living in HELL for a year now. I've learned to disengage. When i do engage, it's nothing but the TRUTH. Thanks for all of the helpful advice. ✌️ Wish I would have had this knowledge in my youth. But better late than never as they say.
Much respect for what you do.
Another good video, just yesterday I had an interaction with him after avoiding him for months, he right away insulted me, i just stayed calm which he didn’t like. He then tried to upset me, i stayed calm again which upset him. He’s definitely getting worse.
100% true! Your talk is the closest I can get to a magic bullet for the phone I've just had with my sibling this afternoon. It's sickening being on the other end of a relative's self-destruction!
I know exactly what you're saying. I'm going grey rock with all my siblings with the exception of one brother. He minds his own business and lives his life, something I will emulate from here on in.
Another excellent video, Dr. C! And might I add that this practice of not engaging (aka not 'playing') with the narcissist is tough at first, and one may find themselves frustrated and angry and may end up 'feeding' the narcissist anyways, but don't be discouraged. It really does take practice to stay calm and not bothered or 'bland' by the narcissist's games. However, once you do get that self-respect for yourself and start standing up for yourself, you will see a 'baffled' narcissist! This is such an empowering moment! 😊❤
You get it, Lynda!
Recent response to the Narc who used to visit early morning all dolled up only to criticise... " I noticed you've been a bit grumpy lately, if you don't like it here then there's some choices, either help" ( I have been unwell) " or ignore what's irritating you or simply don't visit? I'm not physically good right now, but I'm happy & comfortable. I would hate for you to be the opposite"" ... Not seen em since! .. It takes a bit of courage but well worth it. I guess I am the nastiest person on earth now in their eyes & I notice they are desperately trying to be extra lovely on Social Media to collect some Flying Monkeys, but hey ho... Does anyone know if Narcs actually *know they are Narcs? Thank you again for this DR Les, I am learning so much from you.
I have spent 30 year's in utter confusion in the realm of the madness and thanks to the internet and found this word 'narcissism' and the curtains parted. Then everything became clear but it took me 3 years to stop having this dance with them and Dr Les has hit the nail on the head. Know your worth and value, do not take the bait, All the accusation's, the venom, the anger the guilt tripping, the twisting of facts, the lies, the game playing, the put downs, the insults, the slating behind your back, their victimhood, their pride, the cheating. Balanced and meaningful conversation is impossible with them. I just let it run off me like water now. No reply, no defending , no justification etc from me. The silent treatments i welcome as peace and you just observe them smouldering. Its a pity really for them and eventually they will blow themselves apart or you could say universal balance. They never look inwards, they never apologise, they never forgive, they do not want peace. they neither understand love or joy, They are sad really and they are missing out on a rewarding and meaningful life. You have to forgive ultimately. Poor souls.
I was told that I'm "difficult" because I stick to my decisions and won't waver
to do what they want. It frustrates them to the point that they resort to insulting
my integrity. I just tell them "OK just write me a list of required respnses and I'll
follow your script exactly. This seems to really anger them and shuts them up.
That’s a good response…
THANK YOU, Dr. Les. I love the delicate detachment and th idea of developing a mindset baffling to him. Perfect--I have totally cut off all communication but he still sends books and devotions (about me needing healing as I am so messed up, broken, and not a Christian-according to him!!) via the mail and uses my address as both sender and sendee so i can't return to sender and he now tracks it so he knows I have it. Working with the 2 post offices involved, they are now going to help me to refuse the package and they will take care of returning it to him without me opening it and with a message from the postal office itself.
You are so spot on, but I am afraid he will never leave me alone as I broke up with him and had no idea how horrific he could be---I am still reeling from all he has and continues to say about me. He also tries to contact me through the backdoor of cloning instagram accounts of friends and relatives and messages me, posing as them, through messenger via the cloned instagram accounts.
Thank you again for your precious advice. Blessings and prayers to you.
As a “malignant narcissist” myself, thank you for making these videos. I am trying to be better as a human, for my partner and for myself, and though I feel that there is a lot of hatred towards people like me on this channel I do find it interesting to learn about how I work and how others perceive me. Thank you.
Kyoh, thank you for being open and honest. Our relationships would all have a chance at healing if we had this attitude of self-reflection. Something tells me you aren't actually a full-on narcissist if you're seeking self-improvement! Best wishes to you and your loved ones
I like using, "is there anything else", followed by "I think it's good to not keep that stuff bottled up inside".
I like how you think!!
what i find is that Narcissists like the reaction, when i stop giving them that then they don't want anything to do with me..
I once had a narc female boss who was impossible. Knew from Day 1 we'd have problems. Very volatile person who slammed doors and kicked trashcans. I disengaged and became aloof. This only enraged her. She came at me even harder. Last straw was the day she threatened physical violence. Filed charges on her and I got moved to another office which ended up promoting me.