I don't fully understand, why the person who has been gutted by the actions of the wayward has to tip toe around the feelings of the person who destroyed you.
It's not about tip toeing it's about being mindful that there was problems in the marriage before the affair and those problems is what is causing resentment. It's about both people working to help each other heal.
And by the way... I could care less some helping the unfaithful spouse in any capacity to heal I can give a shit less. Made a conscious choice to destroy our family and our marriage for two nights in a hotel... Good luck with your life... Has the gentleman at the front door said you have been served
So, basically, the betrayed spouse shouldn't know what they are forgiving. I don't know, if disclosing what the betrayal was causes the betrayer to relapse, then the relationship isn't worth saving.
@bonadventureconyers2015 you can know what happened but if you are trying to avoid a relapse then some topics will trigger the unfaithful which puts them at risk for a relapse. So it's better to approach disclouse at a slower pace.
For the life of me ill never understand why anyone (especially men) would want to know the details. When i found out about my ex wife i didnt want to know anything because i didnt want to have months or years of visualizations. Years later im so glad i did that.
In the beginning I was pushing for full disclosure. I’m very grateful that we did not do that as it’s hard enough to deal with the mind’s imagination as is. I like what you said “disclosed details can’t be undone”, it’s so true. I think if I had the full details and saw all the messages etc., there’s no doubt that I would be doing intense EDMR therapy for a very long time. Amen to minimal disclose or “just enough”.
Stacey on point with details hitting reliving. I can understand where men need details so if the unfaithful gets pregnant you can paternity test, or disease. The crisis is 3 months, the depression is 6-12 months
As the betrayed I just want the general information, I don't want logs, pictures, gory details - I want to know enough so that I can navigate in this hell, but my wife is shut down, she's not saying anything.
I feel so confused and hopeless. How can i do what s best if i can barely handle what i'm feeling myself. ? And why you blame it on us. The affair and the relapse
I'm not blaming the betrayed and I'm sorry if that came across as such. It's not a blame game. I'm informing others what I have learned by working with couples and in my own marriage. Many times the betrayed wants the unfaithful to walk away and be ok right away but what they don't realize is healing is a process for us and there are ways that we can approach recovery that helps both sides heal quicker. When my husband realized some of his questions were triggers for me he backed off and addressed them later, because he didn't want me thinking about the affair partner more than I needed to. My husband didn't want to be the person who reminded me of what happened in the affair. So he gave me time to heal.
I 100% agree with not giving every messy detail, especially at first. But from the betrayed partners perspective, I also think there needs to be a willingness to truthfully answer every question. We decided I would ask the "details" questions and wait 24 hours for me to decide if it was really something I needed to know. Unfortunately, the way I found out was by reading emails between my wife and her AP of almost 3 years. I swear they had to relive every moment in graphic detail every damn time... I read the first 3-4 and that was enough; the images haunt me.
Would you say once a cheater always a cheater . That some one is likely to cheat again. I discovered the woman I am with cheated on her husband for three years previously. Now I can't trust her .
Unfortunately yes its possible. Because there is a core wound that causes the coping behavior of having an affair. If those core wounds are not healed it is more than likely she will resort to having another affair as a way of coping. But I also want to say not everyone will cheat more than once, there are exceptions. Also keep in mind her unhealthy coping is subconsciously.
some of the time, yes. but this isn't true for everyone. if it was their only affair and they have done the work to fully understand why it happened, then there are exceptions.
If you love that person so much, why don't you go be with them .
You can love somone and know the relationship will not work out.
I don't fully understand, why the person who has been gutted by the actions of the wayward has to tip toe around the feelings of the person who destroyed you.
It's not about tip toeing it's about being mindful that there was problems in the marriage before the affair and those problems is what is causing resentment. It's about both people working to help each other heal.
And by the way... I could care less some helping the unfaithful spouse in any capacity to heal I can give a shit less.
Made a conscious choice to destroy our family and our marriage for two nights in a hotel... Good luck with your life... Has the gentleman at the front door said you have been served
So, basically, the betrayed spouse shouldn't know what they are forgiving. I don't know, if disclosing what the betrayal was causes the betrayer to relapse, then the relationship isn't worth saving.
@bonadventureconyers2015 you can know what happened but if you are trying to avoid a relapse then some topics will trigger the unfaithful which puts them at risk for a relapse. So it's better to approach disclouse at a slower pace.
My betrayed brings up details now that set us back
For the life of me ill never understand why anyone (especially men) would want to know the details. When i found out about my ex wife i didnt want to know anything because i didnt want to have months or years of visualizations. Years later im so glad i did that.
Yes I agree
The months and years of visualization is happening regardless.
In the beginning I was pushing for full disclosure. I’m very grateful that we did not do that as it’s hard enough to deal with the mind’s imagination as is. I like what you said “disclosed details can’t be undone”, it’s so true. I think if I had the full details and saw all the messages etc., there’s no doubt that I would be doing intense EDMR therapy for a very long time. Amen to minimal disclose or “just enough”.
Yes!!!
Stacey on point with details hitting reliving. I can understand where men need details so if the unfaithful gets pregnant you can paternity test, or disease. The crisis is 3 months, the depression is 6-12 months
Yes that is understandable but that wasn't the details I was referring to
As the betrayed I just want the general information, I don't want logs, pictures, gory details - I want to know enough so that I can navigate in this hell, but my wife is shut down, she's not saying anything.
I understand that and it's common for many reasons for her to shut down
I feel so confused and hopeless. How can i do what s best if i can barely handle what i'm feeling myself. ? And why you blame it on us. The affair and the relapse
I'm not blaming the betrayed and I'm sorry if that came across as such. It's not a blame game. I'm informing others what I have learned by working with couples and in my own marriage. Many times the betrayed wants the unfaithful to walk away and be ok right away but what they don't realize is healing is a process for us and there are ways that we can approach recovery that helps both sides heal quicker. When my husband realized some of his questions were triggers for me he backed off and addressed them later, because he didn't want me thinking about the affair partner more than I needed to. My husband didn't want to be the person who reminded me of what happened in the affair. So he gave me time to heal.
I 100% agree with not giving every messy detail, especially at first. But from the betrayed partners perspective, I also think there needs to be a willingness to truthfully answer every question. We decided I would ask the "details" questions and wait 24 hours for me to decide if it was really something I needed to know.
Unfortunately, the way I found out was by reading emails between my wife and her AP of almost 3 years. I swear they had to relive every moment in graphic detail every damn time... I read the first 3-4 and that was enough; the images haunt me.
Yes there needs to be a willingness to be transparent. I'm so sorry reading those emails must have been so traumatic for you.
Would you say once a cheater always a cheater . That some one is likely to cheat again. I discovered the woman I am with cheated on her husband for three years previously. Now I can't trust her .
Unfortunately yes its possible. Because there is a core wound that causes the coping behavior of having an affair. If those core wounds are not healed it is more than likely she will resort to having another affair as a way of coping. But I also want to say not everyone will cheat more than once, there are exceptions. Also keep in mind her unhealthy coping is subconsciously.
@@staceychenevert Thank you I appreciate the reply
some of the time, yes. but this isn't true for everyone. if it was their only affair and they have done the work to fully understand why it happened, then there are exceptions.
We went through all of this.
I'm sorry I hope you are better now
Here is a good idea, lets handle the cheater with kidater gloves, and screw the one betrayed, again no accountability for the che
Here is a better idea keep your judgmental comments to yourself.