NO CONTACT: WHAT IT MEANS AND HOW TO DO IT
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- Опубликовано: 8 июн 2021
- No contact is a last resort technique for most people who have tried everything in order to have a relationship with a toxic person. However, over time, the toxic person just hurts them again and again, and again.
This video explains the concept of no contact, how to do it, what it means for you and how it can affect us and our sense of self. And, this video explores what to do and what it feels like when and if, others don't support your decision.
Whether it's a mother, father, sibling, ex partner, friend, etc - no contact is a serious decision, but for many people, it's a final act of self preservation and self protection.
xo
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The most painful, essential and gloriously self loving decision I’ve made to reclaim the best part of my life.
Hi Loveys! Can you tell I was a bit triggered - lol? :). I hear so much shaming online and in my practice and it makes me so frustrated! Protect yourselves and your families! It is YOUR RIGHT and no one should be judging you!!
xo
This just came to mind when you said make a list of why we should not go back to fulfilling relationships.
Ugh, the last person I dated back 2019 actually had the indecency to give her number out to another man while I was within two feet of her. WTF!
Talk about NPD/BPD traits.
Some people get so emotionally abused the first twenty years of life, that they'll accept the unacceptable. There will definitely No More Cluster B Women for me.
NEVER AGAIN!
Shaming in your practice from who?
I did this with my parents and siblings quite a long time ago. Wrote the letter and went no contact. Easier because they all live in a different country. But the mind keeps going back and forth with guilt. And as you said society also affects our thinking because we are made to think we should have good relationships with family. Unfortunately its not the case for many people.
Because my toxic relationship is with my BPD mother, I thought I was stuck with her in my life as that category of person who is exempt from boundaries with a right to abuse. It felt awful to have the thought in your mind that you won’t be free until she dies. And then in my 50s my mother had an epic violent and abusive episode from nowhere based on an external issue that she took out on me. And I made the solid decision to adopt no contact. She’s in her 70s and I have to stand strong. 7 months later. It’s hard.
Thank you for validating for me that deciding to end my relationship with my mother in law was the right thing to do. After 39 years of marriage, trying to ignore her, walking away, etc. (because that's what my husband and his siblings did) the final straw came when during a phone conversation she told a ridiculous lie about me to my daughter to try to convince her I was a bad person. The more my daughter tried to defend and stand up for herself the more annoyed my MIL (her grandma for heavens sake) became with her to the point of driving her to tears. I was blown away with how supportive my husband was with my decision. He's known her alot longer than me lol. I made a list for myself of 39 years worth of her crap, and sent a respectful letter explaining exactly why I was cutting ties with her. After almost a year of her trying to contact me and get me back in the fold she left a voicemail "apology" which I ignored as well. And low and behold 2 months later she did the same thing to our oldest son. Lied about me to convince him what a bad guy I was. Well it hit the fan around the holidays, she gave her sob story to her daughter who in turn wanted to know what the heck was going on. She was stunned to hear from other family members how awful her mom has been treating all of us. She thought she was the only one. She was grateful for the info and will try to figure out how to deal with her 86 year old mom from now on.
Thank you for your voice of reason. It helps.
I thought we could get by on low contact. But I had to go no contact after I realized I couldn't handle their toxic, controlling behavior anymore.
It's been just over a year since I cut ties with my mother. One of the best decisions I've made, I finally have freedom and am no longer afraid. Yes I've been left with some trauma and issues to heal but taking each new day as they come.
Getting out of an abusive relationship you realise just how toxic the situation really was.
Love to everyone going through similar, it'll be okay x
I have done same ans felt good in the beginning but now started feeling guilty, not sure what causing that
You're becoming one of my favorite people on RUclips
Thanks for posting a video to remind me I made the right decision. Even though I am grieving the loss of a relationship with my family member… I know I have chosen my own mental health and well-being over the appearance of a relationship.
Yes, it is still grief we have, even when it's the right decision...I know it's not easy. So good that you chose yourself:)
...pile religion on top of all of this and oh my gosh it is so heavy. I'm proud though. Thanks for your help, supportive advice and validation. It's CRITICAL!!💚
You are so welcome:). Sending support to you!!
I’ve been no contact with my family if origin for 3 years and it was the best decision I ever made for myself. Your advice is spot on, all of these situations do crop up, and I tried everything before giving up and moving on to true freedom. You cannot make others go to therapy or talk about issues. Thank you for all that you do..
me too
My cut off defense is strong right now. After 54 years of narcissistic abuse from my divorced parents and 2 of my siblings I finally went no contact. It was destroying my emotional and physical health. Now it's just me, my husband of 25 years our 2 grown kids and our little grandbaby and one sister that I will allow in my life. I'm now on a healing journey and remind myself not to feel bad about it. I say let people talk crap about you because crap should be flushed down a toilet. Not played with.
Greetings from the Western Province of South Africa. Thank you for your content, it has really helped me understand how things happen and work out.
Perfect timing truly! Thanks for the helpful advice. I particularly liked the part about the list since I have been dealing with the guilt and often need a reminder of why I am doing what I am. Thanks as usual!!! You’re the best
You are so welcome and thank you so much for the kind words! :). Sending you support right now!!
This is by far the best that I have heard about no contact. Thks! If you could touch on the only child and narcissistic/borderline parents, it would be greatly appreciated! I haven't been able to find much info for only child.
Thank you so much - I am so glad it's helpful!:) Yes, I will add a video on only children - that is an excellent idea -and I know childhood holds its own special wounds -when a child is truly alone in many regards...
So validating. Thank you.
After he put a gun to my head, I moved with our kids to another state and it took a year for him to find us.
Thank you for this video!
This video was like everything I needed to hear.
Thank you, Dr. Sage, you have saved my life!
Hi❤. I love your videos and they have been to so much help in my healing. I went no contact gradually with my mum who I think might be borderline with strong narcissistic traits. Now it's been a year since we last met. It's difficult because I feel such a relief and at the same time I miss her and feel sorry for her. I dread the day she passes away. I dread meeting family and her friends at the funeral. I know they are judging me and I don't know how to manage. I also think the guilt will be unbearable because we're gonna sit there and remember her wonderful sides which of course she also has. I think quite a lot about this because it's getting more and more clear to me that I might not be able to take up contact again.
I feel the same😢
Thank you soooo much for this video! It gave me strength to keep my no contact with my narcissistic parents. ❤
"The world thinks certain people in our lives are exempt." Oh the love I'm sending you. Instant sub. Thank you SO MUCH. The world, frankly, can bite me on this as on many other topics on which IT IS UTTERLY WRONG. ; )
I'm struggling with cutting contact with my extremely toxic abusive elderly mom but I have tried everything and she can't stop hurting me. She did something pretty bad and put me in serious harms way this year for no reason. I was trying hard to have strict boundaries with her but she managed to send someone after me to threaten me and my child and destroy my career I worked so hard on. That was final straw. She has found others that will do her dirty work for her while she pretends she is innocent. I can't even wrap my head around it. I cut it off for good but she keeps texting me from different phone numbers. She's evil and it's really freaking me out really bad.
Very good vídeo!
Thanking you once again 🪴
You are so welcome:)
Just found you, I’m devastated
I am sorry - sending you support and healing:)
I just cut it off because I am 37 and they will never care or be able to understand and I just can't anymore.
Idk what to do.... my parents are both ignoring me because of the boundry I have set up for myself. My mom is BPD and my dad just does whatever she does. I am extremly hurt. I am trying to not have it effect me but i think about every day. I just feel shame and sad.
I had to do that with my narcissistic mother, sadly. I tried and tried for most of my life, to no avail.
I’m not religious, but I prayed for this and I’m so grateful for your work.
Thank you so much - I am sending you wishes of support and healing for your heart and life!
Love your videos and they truly help my sister and I. We have rode this roller coaster with our mom for an average of 40 years. She absolutely has BPD/NPD. We have gone no contact with her this very month, but where we get confused and “weak” is in terms of our dad. What would you advise to people where they have to be absolutely no contact with a parent who is still married to the other parent? In terms of our dad, he always tells us to “let it go”…”don’t let it bother us”… “just don’t respond to her” etc. We are now mothers and well, the guilt comes in with him. We love our dad and want to continue a relationship with him especially for our kids, but doing so, we can’t 100 percent do no contact with our mom. I hope this makes sense. So it’s this back and forth. He will never leave her, and that’s ok…he has a deep faith where he believes no matter what, he said vows before God and “this is his cross to bare” so to speak. I think I know the answer…but his birthday is in 2 days, and well how do you stay no contact with our mom who is still married with our dad without feeling the guilt?
Actually, I may be able to answer my own question, but as is typical with daughters of N PD mothers, I find myself always seeking validation. I’ve tried counseling. I’ve tried writing letters and emails with as much kindness and also honesty as possible. I have tried family therapy several times with several different counselors, chosen by my mother and those sessions always ended poorly with my mother getting mad and “firing“ the counselor and walking out. Is it OK to be “done”? She is in a retirement community and well looked after. Our adult children basically can’t stand to be around her. It is so sad.
@Dr.Sage, How do you know if the emotional manipulation and abuse is “enough “ to warrant no contact? Especially if it is your parent?
Hi Kim, you’ve been a huge help over the past year as I work with my psychologist to figure out my relationship with my dBPD mom. It’s time to no contact. She’s not coping, obviously. It’s so terrifying. Do you have any other resources you would recommend now? Videos or books on the guilt and obligation I feel. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you for being here. I am so sorry you've struggled and yes, I have many books listed on my website on drkimsage.com and I have a course specifically for those of us raised with parents who struggled with BPD - it's on thinkific.com. Sending love and healing to you:)
This is where Im at, I have very limited contact with my family at this stage, I have realized the scapegoat dynamic with my mother and stepfather will never change and that my siblings are implicit in the dynamic and I would prefer no contact, but not entirely sure how to do it apart from moving multiple cities away, which I am considering.
I have also gone no contact with a long term "friend" I identified as having narcissistic traits and toxic behavior and despite trying to have limited contact, he sensed this and started to aggressively insist on the friendship, which was the final confirmation to me of their toxicity. The collateral damage from this no contact is a couple of other people I know who are connected to this narcissist, one of which I suspect also has tendencies and is a flying monkey, they have been continuing to try to make contact, the last message ended with "you cant get away from us".
Interestingly my BPD mom wants no contact with me...I know you speak about it being the other way around...She claims I gave her PTSD and that the relationship between her and I causes too much friction....Can you talk in another video about the no contact when it is the BPD parent who initiates it.
On a side note, I initiated “no contact” in the past and this prompted her to get BPD treatment and things were going well for awhile.
A bpd mom is an expert emotional manipulator and will use whatever she can to get you to have contact with her, in my case, my mom even joined my church, eventhough she did not agree with most of what she read, always questioning biblical passages and throwing shade on God! believe it or not! for doing this and that, she joined and now is using it to manipulate me through the church. It's sickening and the dr. has made such a good point, that the bpd will continue to drag you in just so they can let you fall all over again and again. I'm fed up, at 52, for trying and keeping her close to me all the time. She's now living with us after her food addiction for years has brought her to the imminent amputation situation, she's recovered from her first one and back on her feet financially and started creating the same scenario of acting like she's not getting enough help from me. I don't know what else to do besides handing her my check book and visa card and letting her sleep in between my husband and I at night. so tired.
How can you know that the person who stopped communication with you is not justified and is doing it just to cause pain or out of wrong judgement. When they are avoidant and you have a child with them?
It is really hard to find info about having a sibling with this.
Why do i keep going back
Is it ok to go NC until they take accountability and apologize? I'm struggling with this because I know they will play dumb, then deny, then martyr/saint/victim mode.
@TheBenGuyattShow that sucks 😞 mine has unfortunately gotten worse
Is there any way you could see her on zoom once a week?
Wrapping up a 31 year marriage and dealing with all the legal and material issues makes this hard to accomplish in a short period of time. In fact, I have just started the process and it will take until the end of 2024 before I can go no contact. Anything before that is not reasonable due to the situation. Limited contact is a reality though.
Hi Dr. Kim, do you have any videos of teens/young adults with BPD and the abusive relationship towards their parents who dont have/might have some traits of BPD or ADHD?
lol, she said gremlins pop up
Hi Kim. I don’t know if you read your comments or not. My brother is 65 I am 60. He taught me to write my name so I could start first grade at age 5 I wasn’t sent to kindergarten. Our parents divorced when I was 5 so my older brothers aged 10 and 12 cared for me while my mother worked. I wanted you to know my brother Randy Akers of Republic Missouri has put me on no contact status. And he has a degree from Baptist Bible College. Your message is so powerful he has forsaken the teachings of Jesus Christ. I will miss my big brother but I will always love him no matter what.
People go no contact for a reason let him go
Why would you put his name in your comments seems toxic
My sister has permanently blocked me since 2021 because I refused to get vaccinated. She's older and apparently if I don't accept her authority in some manner, I'm blocked. Well. What a bish.
I think you left out an important group of people who you have to go no contact with, adult children. When they are so narcissistic, borderline, abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and psychology for a long time and you do the same song and dance you've done over and over and the situation becomes volatile and life threatening, there comes a point where even a parent must go no contact.
It is a very hard choice and the consequences are brutal in terms of repercussions from the decision but I haven't heard you mention adult children in ANY videos I've watched as people that injure or hurt others. I understand it is uncomfortable and it's a sad reality but it happens and those of us parents that have endured this horrific abuse from our children deserved to be included and validated when you are listing people off.
Kim my name is Renda Crawford. My brother sent me your no contact video he said I am now on no contact. I am 60 and he is 65. I will always love and miss my brother. My heart is broken for you don’t know what he meant to me.
Kim my name is Renda Crawford I live in Muskogee Oklahoma. My 65 year old brother sent me your no contact video he has followed your advice and won’t speak to me. I am 60 years old and trying to follow Jesus. Jesus teaches unconditional love and forgiveness. You say I have victim mentality. I was molested and assaulted sexually twice as a child. Maybe that’s why Kim. Maybe it’s not because I am calling my brother to hurt him. Perhaps I am a scarred and hurting person. I will love my big brothers both of them until my dying day. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and it never ends. I have to forgive you if I want God to forgive me. Peace out Dr. Kim
For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh …. In reading the Holy Bible it says guard your heart for out of it are the issues of life….not much about the mind so far in my Bible reading more sin against God in my heart
This video should be titled feeding the narcissist child.