BORDERLINE (BPD) MOMS/DADS AND YOUR ANXIETY: WHERE IT COMES FROM, WHY WE HAVE IT AND WHAT HELPS
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
- Anxiety develops for many children of Borderline Personality Disordered parents as a response to their survival needs to be hyper-vigilant.
This video explores the risk factors for anxiety and their relationship to BPD, and it breaks down the 9 criteria for a diagnosis of Borderline PD and how this impacts anxiety development and maintenance in their children.
www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage
Dr. Kim Sage
Cluster B mom was petulant BPD with covertly narcissistic traits. I lived a life of angst on edge all the time, then brain freeze meltdown and fear when she raged.
My BPD mother tried to make me phobic to a lot of normal, needed experiences in fear of losing me and to make me dependant of her, she mostly failed, but unfortunately as much as I fought it she succeeded with more than one thing. I still suffer the consequences of that today. I would love more videos about overcoming those fears and gaining confidence. Thank you so much for your videos🙏🏻💖
Me, too. I stopped doing field trips because she would ask me what if there’s (insert natural disaster or scary situation here). It worked really well to create fear. Sad.
@@darfish7420 she just worried about you. It's LOVE.
@@SuperLuckao Love? No, it’s fear. And fear-based control. Teaching children about consequences of choices they might make is one thing, planting seeds of fear to prevent a child from having normal, character-building and independence-building experiences is not love. The only things I regret in life are things I didn’t do, and because of her fears I missed out on a lot.
@@SuperLuckaoYeah, the hypochondriac episodes of a Mother with BPD are not done out of love. It’s traumatic and a hindrance to the child. I KNOW for certain that I did not live up to my full potential in life because I could already predict all of the unrealistic and irrational fears my Mother would moan about. Instead, I played it “safe” to keep her satisfied and off my back as much as possible.
Grew up with an undiagnosed/untreated BPD mother(she got diagnosed when I was an adult). And I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder and autoimmune diseases. My sister has BPD, bipolar disorder and heart disease.
What I would like to know, since this family dynamic is widely known now to cause long-term health issues, why isn't Mental Health a mandatory school subject, just like Physical Education? Seems to me mental health is more important then the advanced math and science classes that most of us never use again in our lives. Everyone needs to learn mental and emotional wellness.
Thank you for making videos Dr. Sage!
So I just realized a couple days ago my mom (who I believe to be a covert narcissist) may actually have BPD. All of this video is her to a T, honestly. She drives me crazy, but I also kind of feel bad for her. Like I would rather be no contact, but I also recognize this deep sadness in her. Like I was emotionally neglected my whole childhood, but she was too. Ugh, I'm just over my whole family, really.
Same, totally same. Big hugs!
God help us all… seriously
I feel bad for my mom too. It all pretty much sucks. Lol. I think mental illness is worse than cancer. At least with cancer, there's a chance of being cured. But, mental illness screws up how the person thinks, plus their loved ones can have life long healing to do on themselves. So unfair.
I am with you on this.
same here, listening to these videos I started suspecting my mom is also BPD not just narcissistic. Perhaps not so odd is that from what I hear from my mom's sister, my mom shares these traits with her own mother (my grandmother). I'm so relieved that I won't be repeating this pattern and hurting so many people around me (hopefully).
My mother never threatened suicide, which I think is worse. But my mother did tell me as a child, she would be dead. Even by the next day. She lived to an old age and in good health until near the end. It was all manipulation, psychological abuse, lies and control.
My exact experience. My mom has been telling me she is going to die for as long as I can remember. Or that she is going to run away with my brothers and I can have a “new mommy” since I don’t think she’s “good enough”. She refuses to see any kind of doctor or get completely physically well to maintain the victim hood.
I am just so angry about how this has impacted on me, my brother and my dad. Mother clearly a BPD and elements of Covert Narc. I am on anxiety meds which I think I will only be able to get off after she passes. This is SPOT ON!
My step mom I believe was untreated BPD I am an introvert, HSP, and I was the scapegoat I have anxiety and depression, Cptsd She singled me out and bullied me the most. Thank you for this video, it's very validating. I'm 65. Child protection was unheard of until the 70s.
Thank you for sharing - I am so sorry for your struggles and pain. You do deserve to be validated.🙏🏻💕
Your dog name me smile :) thank you for these videos. They are helping me deal with realizing at 28 my mom has BPD and it wasn't my fault.
I found all your videos and have been watching them and it’s so helpful. I live with my borderline mother as an adult and my anxiety is almost unmanageable at this point. Most of the time I feel so disturbed when she’s home, I hate it. And I just stopped picking up the phone when she’s out because it’s always blowing up and hanging up on me.
9:40 You are so right. My dad should NEVER have told me he had thoughts of killing himself and all of us when I was only 13. Maybe if he just said he was sad and didn't want to face the world some days, I don't know, but a different way of telling his child why he put himself into the mental hospital.
Looking back, I believe he checked himself in to get sympathy and to keep my mom from leaving him and NOT bc he was suicidal, but manipulation is part of his disorder.
You don't know how much your videos have been helping me make sense of my childhood and of my life as a parent. 💗🕉
Horrifyingly accurate and simultaneously liberating.
When you talked about flashing back to that feeling thinking “it’s all on me”- that really clicked with me. Thank you for making these. This was actually super helpful as I start to break down the source of my anxiety. It’s a daunting task but little by little I understand more and this was super impactful. 💛
mom:
"I'll just leave, I'm not wanted here."
"maybe I'll just move out"
"I'm gonna find a place of my own"
"you're just like your dad."
"your dad only cares about himself, he's not being a part of the family"
*driving faster and wreckless when angry, and I'm passenger.
(literally lead foot for a few minutes until calm)
*freaks out at my driving. says I follow too close ect.
*mom storms out when mad.
always runs away from conversation
dad told me he was gonna drown himself once. when I was playing dad/mom to him.
thought I could fix my parents
I am so sorry for all you've endured- we can't fix our parents but we can work to heal our own lives...hope you can get some good support and know you are worthy of a healed and whole life.
@@DrKimSage
thanks but I realized, I turned out fine at 25, and although there is truth to what I went through, I'm just looking for an explaination and excuse for me ruining my own life at 26.
great channel though. thanks for what you do.
one thing. my mom really was the best. I'm ignoring the facts.
my dad tore appart our bathroom when I was 13. I warned him to finish the rest of the house first...
nope.
we showered in a plastic kids pool In the basement for 10 years. hose with showerhead to the ceiling. drained water with a sump pump to the sink.
he was Emotionally absent
a covert narc. I think.
I'm actually a pathetic manchild.
I volunteered myself to be a therapist to my parents when I was about 18-20. although, my dad still has socially absent from my life.
mom too protective. she actually said it was wrong for me to try to help her problems. but I sorted my own (rejecting their help) since 4th grade. so I thought I could handle it.
it's my own fault.
I do blame my dad alittle.
@@VengefulPolititron - You don't sound like a pathetic man-child. You sound like you are angry at yourself, haven't forgiven yourself, which is very common with CPTSD. You have a lot of insight and emotional maturation. I don't know if you've been to a trauma therapist..... if you haven't I highly recommend finding one. You worked hard taking care of your parents - when you were so young! That is admirable! Now - you need to take care of that younger you - your inner child needs the love and safety he never received. You also need to take care of, love, and provide safety to the current YOU.
As resilient, strong, and insightful as you are, I know you be a champion. 💪❤
@@RUclipsAddictcreatedbyGoogle
thanks. you're very kind.
but I am Spiritually dead.
the best thing I could ever give you. in return. to thankyou.
is to tell you. Find God. Jesus is real. The Bible is true. read it. especially proverbs and the 4 gospels.
help yourself.
it's life-changing. and do what it says .
I want to say thank you for all you do, your videos help me a lot. My mom has BPD and also some kind of covert narcisism. I also have a big father trauma and autism.
I admire you for how you are, I remember what you shared about how your mom treated you, she was evil, and you didn't even know who your father was and despite it all you are a successful woman and help others.
NPD grandmother from both side, GAD father and BPD mother. Whooaaaa that's a lot... Finally truth set me free. Otherwise I used to think is there something wrong with me or are they behaving not in a normal way. Thanks for the video and information.
A cuteness overload happening behind you on the couch :)
Thankyou for these videos. I find them soothing and validation. Growing up, my mom was diagnosed with bipolar depression. But, I wonder if she was borderline or narcisitic or some combination there-of. My dad was a workaholic. Fast forward to now, my mom has Alzhiemers. Oddly, the Alzheimers has taken some of the edge off, that she used to have with bp. To add to it, my now ex boyfriend left me 5 months ago. So, my anxiety is almost unbearable at times. I attend ACA and I have dogs and horses to help me through. I have been in and out of therapy over the years. For the most part, I have a good relationship with my higher power that I choose to call God. And, because of the double dose of anxiety, I am seeking yet another therapist. This time I am seeking one who specializes in childhood trauma and grief. If anyone in this community can recommend one, I would be grateful. I am in Southern Cal. Thanks
This really explains my mom however she was diagnosed as major depressive w psychotic features. This video has helped alot. I appreciate all your content but this video really hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
Thank you for shedding light on me. ❤
Thank you so much for posting these videos. I learn so much about why things are like they are and why I am like I am. It really helps me to understand and not being so selfcritical. Thank you! 💖
very helpful to provide working examples as you went through 9 criteria's for bpd
This was so informative and I connected with it a lot in some ways.
Really enjoy watching all of your videos. You’re so knowledgeable and have provided a lot of insight on a topic I find isn’t as frequently talked about. It makes me feel seen to be able to identify that a lot of the things I struggle with are not necessarily my fault. Do you have any knowledge/advice/explanations for work anxiety maybe specific to children of BPD parents? I’ve been struggling with it a lot and the perfectionist thinking. Thanks so much for all you do for this community!!
I relate to this so much. Thank you for your videos!
Thank you for giving of your knowledge and experience. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Very helpful.
So true. THANK YOU🙇♀️💗
The steps start: 5:45. Whole video is great.
I recognize my behaviour as a child an now addult of a mother with bpd.
Thank you! I really needed this video! Also your dogs are so cute!🤗💕
Thank you and so happy it was helpful!💕🙏🏻
I believe my mum is BPD, I am now 42 and have realised this and have traits too… I also have a daughter who is 18 I will admit I was unconscious as it’s always what I had know and I am afraid I have damaged her too. (I lean on the quiet side) and only struggle in my most intimate romantic relationships. So very stable otherwise. I am now In therapy in the hope to break the family dysfunction. I have been honest with my daughter and I feel much grief and shame with the damage continuing. I just wish I’d woken up sooner. Thank you x
Thanks x
Thank you, this was useful to me. Is that video of no contact, that you mentioned towards the end up? I would love to watch it.
Yes- I posted it about a month ago I think!:)
Hi there, I have recently discovered your content and find it really interesting and really helpful. I would really love a video on how to parent your own children if you had a BPD mum and as a result have an adapted self that also has BPD qualities to it. In short how can you be a good parent, a reflective, responsive parent, if you recognise some of these qualities in yourself? For example if you are often emotionally dysregulated how can you help your child through those episodes?
I will add this to my list - very important!! Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts and suggestions!🙏🏻💕
@@DrKimSage just wanted to add I would really really love this too! I also have some traits due to a rough childhood, in which my N/BPD mum told me I was egotistical and would never be a good mum (the irony). It is still my biggest fear, that I repeat the pattern, do not read / attune to my childrens needs well enough, do not provide them the safety I never had. So info on this would be great!
HI Dr. Sage. I love your channel and that you focus on this particular dynamic. But I do have some feedback for you regarding presentation. I think you should go slower because I feel it is very hard to keep up with you and I don’t get any time to think about how what you are saying applies to my situation. What you are saying is so important but it goes by in a blur and at least for me, does not get fully digested. Just a thought - maybe slow down and make one or two points and give examples and let that sit there without rushing to the next one. Maybe more videos but whose counting. Your topics are spot on. Thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts.
Thank you for the important and thoughtful feedback! I do need to work on slowing down- as I have always been a fast talker! Also, I am probably trying to fit too many things in during a week and maybe rushing more than I realize!🙏🏻💕
Really great video! We make positive content too!💜💜
You are so wonderful. Thank you so much. If you would like to receive this prayer, God bless you, your family and your viewers in Jesus’s Holy Name, Amen. 🙏💖
I would love to explain my story, but I genuinely get triggered even talking about it… as do my siblings. Maybe…someday…
The children's story about the mother rabbit who follows her baby everywhere comes off very stalky to me.
She WAS dangerous...
NEVER loving...
She was extremely grandiose...and a cold fish
Maybe she was just a narcissist
I was raised by a untreated borderline mother and now separating from my untreated BPD wife. Seems that I just married my mother because that is what I know. 😳
My wife has been hospitalized for her suicidal tendency several times. I witnessed my mother attempt suicide by cutting her wrist one mourning during breakfast before school! Somehow I felt that I was responsible for her behavior. Scary when your mother is two different people and you never know who you would wake up or come home to!!!
No wonder it's called. COMPLEX PTSD..!
"What do you mean by Blowing"?
Like a volcano or a geyser or an explosive.