I always just thought everyone did it all the time, they were just better at it than I was. Life was a videogame, and everyone was just better at it than I was.
I’ve been misdiagnosed 3 times because I’m so good at masking. I’m just now discovering that I am autistic and that I didn’t need to get put on a concoction of psychiatric meds that essentially lobotomized me. I didn’t need CBT. I needed love and acceptance. I needed to be understood
For me the main way that I mask is by behaving like the "strong silent" person in the group. It isn't being fake because I am frequently silent, even when I'm on my own or around safe people like my girlfriend or brother. I'm also loud and zany a lot of the time. So I just extend part of me to all the time when I'm around people. Recently I have stopped masking as much. It feels nice to not mask as much.
Do you feel naturally zany though? Was that an exaggeration of your natural zaniness, or a unnatural zaniness that you imitated what you observed from others to appear outgoing?
For me unfortunately I took the opposite approach and ended up being the person who is uncomfortable around silence as long as everybody aren't already good friends. So I got really good at riffing/improvising but it's become a nightmare too because the need to be understood also so I'll just vomit out paragraphs of info at a time, but fast since attention span of people are short and getting shorter. Great for talking with people who want to talk since I like to listen, nightmarish when hanging out with friends nowadays because everyone has multiple monitors and watch videos during video calls so there's just dead silence for 10+ minutes and I'm panicking trying to fill the void as I feel the hangout slowly start to end because i need activities during hangouts. So unfortunately 4/5 of my friends like to hang out in complete silence in an audio call for hours at a time, doing different games and watching movies on their own etc etc. All dead silent but on mic so if they DID speak or make any noise you'll instantly know, they just don't. Which makes me anxious because self regulation techniques keep me from doing the same or feel calm doing the same because many reasons but top amongst them is the "always be as silent and unobtrusive as possible to not annoy others when they require silence" (Typical reasons that was forced into a child but also doubled down because realism FPS gamer friends getting really tunnel visioned during clutch times makes them angry at external info, even if its a best friend and telling them the exact precise callout of my killers location and the fact that they're blind and looting me 5ft around the corner
@@krelekari I dont understand hanging out very well. Im more like: lets have a deep moment that is meaningful and gives food for self reflecting. And have that like once a month. Or a year. Or lets just stick to writing, then its demanding the focus and giving time to focus in peace. Just hanging out for the sake of hanging out, not my cup if tea.
That line from Elenore Rigby, "wearing a mask that keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for," just keeps going around in my head. I have always felt like how your parents say be on your best behavior like when you are going to church or something.
I've actually stopped and checked my face expression sitting here alone in my apartment, and yeah, the smile and "pleasant face" both were there, although I'was being on the verge of tears the whole day. It's so scary how deep this thing is
I belive smiling activates certain hormones (happy), so it can be used consciously to feel better. Surely different if its unconscious, and body really needs to release stress hormones by crying. Bests🌟
When you mentioned hygiene issues, I realized something about myself. As a child and young adolescent, I had a terrible time brushing my teeth. Using toothpaste made me vomit and I avoided the toothpaste as much as possible. I switched to using a baking soda tooth powder. I'd attributed this problem with toothpaste to be related to the sexual abuse I endured (along with my 2 sisters and 12 other female cousins) from my grandfather. I also have almost a phobia about taking a shower. I fell on the tub edge a couple of times, and have blamed this for not wanting to take a shower. However, when you mentioned hygiene, suddenly it hit me that both of these problems with hygiene are absolutely sensory issues! And they produce all kinds of problems for me! Wow! This was amazing! Sudden self discovery! What a dopamine surge!
I relate to this so much. Not the toothbrush part, but other frightening experiences as a little autistic girl when I didn't understand what was happening to my body in various compromised situations. Revisiting memories or being triggered by objects that are associated with the events have always caused me nausea and trembling, disorientation, and shame at my loss of control over my body. It's like my brain didn't sense that I was in danger, but my body knew, and it was screaming at me that something was happening that was wrong and evil.
I was told as a child that I should act attentive and have a smile on my face the whole time. That is my main mask. It is so ingrained, that I mask when I'm alone. Whatever else I use for masking, I don't even recognise.
Same! Apparently: no face expressions = no feelings. I couldn't understand why my face muscles are so tense until I've noticed that I would be smiling even being on my own
I realized i was masking my entire life and it clicked that THAT's why i was always so exhausted after working a job where I sat at a desk all day. A few years ago, i think i hit a point where the mask started to crack, and once I realized what it was - i just let go and I felt liberated, like a weight lifted. I worry less about some situations because i realized that situations where I knew all the steps of the interactions, or were confident in my knowledge - i was not "as" anxious (i always have some butterflies in my stomach) but then in times where I knew it would cause me to panic if i didnt know what to do (like going into a new sandwich shop or coffee stop and not know the protocol for where to order or what to say or what people 'usually do') then I knew if i took a few moments, scanned the area for markers (cash register, a queue of people, any signs) and then I found I could navigate my way to a person who could help, then maybe asking the person "i have never been here before - can you quickly help me understand what to do?". Not fool proof though because some people are just jerks but most of the time people will be like "oh yeah sure - you order there, and you pick up there ". But until i realized i was likely autistic, i never would have thought to do that, because i was always so scared of breaking 'social etiquette' rules by not ordering right or accidentally cutting someone (this happened at a grocery store a few years ago. another customer gave me crap for standing in the wrong place, even though THE SIGN SAID TO STAND THERE and i was so mad that if i didnt absolutely need the stuff i was buying, i would have left it there and walked out. I'm calmer (calmER) now in the 'every day' situations that used to make me panic because I realized I just process the situation differently.
At 5:15 when you mentioned masking too far and upsetting people and then suffering their ostracism I had to play it 3 or 4 times cos this has been my experience my whole life. Finally I understand that I was masking and can start to let go of some of that shame of feeling like I'm never getting it right. Thanks.
I feel this so much. I had to pause after he said it and give myself a chance to process. I do this constantly still-years after self-identifying, and a few years of being officially diagnosed AuDHD (although the diagnostician didn’t say it like that. Lol). I parrot things that were just discussed, then get lectured about how offensive something I said was, often by the person I parroted. It’s crushing and confusing. SHAME is a good word, and sadly, for me, not a good teacher. Just a re-traumatizing one because I forget until it feels like Deja vu, or when I recognize it in retrospect, or get called out by someone else. I *am* a social person, but I get so exhausted by my own mistakes that I often want to just stop trying (probably more so with neurotypicals). I’m days away from my 37th birthday, I have three neurodivergent kids (I should try to give my kids good social examples, at least), and I still feel like quitting more often than I feel like continuing to try anymore. Thankfully a newer set of friends are also neurodivergent and we’re all very accepting of each other. But, I also don’t want to put all my “friendship pressure” on just them, especially if for some reason it doesn’t work out in the future. But, I’m getting way ahead of myself (and now this is too long for me to comfortably edit on mobile, so I’m leaving it 😅). Just know that Dr. Service’s acknowledgment and your thoughtful comment really hit for me. Thank you for sharing. 🫂
I masked by creating an entirely different persona which led me into a career in law enforcement. I ended up breaking down completely after 15 years and now I’m studying to be a dance movement therapist ✌️💕🌻
Hi @buttercxpdraws8101 My Father was in Law Enforcement, He masked by lower his voice to a very deep register.. he did this so much that he ended up talking to us kids that way. I'm happy to hear you are doing dance movement therapy. Dance can be a form of Stimming. So can Spinning. I ended up being an Exotic Dancer, it was the perfect job.. I learned how to be Social. Which was a very big thing for me to learn. I masked at first but then I learned to enjoy social interaction in my own time space. I loved stage, I got to spin around the pole and dance too. I loved dancing for customers, I enjoyed the play acting at first as the Seductress.. like Angelina Jolie. I enjoyed Dancing for customers while zoning out in the moment of the music. It's been hard to want to do another job. No wonder, because I got to Stim for 8 hours! what other job lets you do that !
I really enjoyed the covid times in this respect - wearing an actual face mask ment a huge energy saving for me - no fake smiling for months! Real empowering feeling.
My mask fully cracked last year, now I've been avoiding being around people because I haven't been in the most positive state of mind. These videos are definitely helping me to feel less shame and fear around how i communicate with others. Thank you 🙏🏿
I am 34 and only officially diagnosed shortly after the start of the pandemic. It has been wild to realize how much I mask at home by myself and how much my mental health has improved as I slowly learn what parts of me are externally imposed and let myself be more authentic in MY OWN SPACE WITH NO ONE WATCHING. No wonder I spent so long exhausted and dead inside. I never dropped it. Never rested. Just allowing myself to get noise cancelling headphones and wear them when I wash the dishes has been a game changer. Yeesh. I'm loving this channel. It's very informative and validating.
I don't think I fake my personality, but the ways I mask tend to be consciously doing things that are generally unconscious to most people. For example, I am genuinely interested in listening to someone, but it doesn't show on my face so I modify my facial expression and I look at them even though I can listen better if I'm not looking at them. I come up with scripts before a conversation, and I have imaginary conversations in my head so I'm prepared for almost anything that could come up in real conversation (like shadow boxing).
OH this is such a great video! You are a fantastic teacher. Saying THAT to you was an authentic reaction from my heart. Yup...65 years of masking until I just this week figured out I am autistic. Wow. I can finally stop the struggling and just learn each day about being me. Masking is required even for typicals...you really ought not crack up giggling at a funeral after all. My healer calls it wearing "hats". Knowing when you are doing it...that would be the key. I get it now. Being older I suppose I can just let people think I am "eccentric" as I find the real me under a lifetime of imposed masking. Learning who I truly am has been a long journey and this is the frame for that puzzle. Thanks!!! I think in a few generations "normal" will be different. We are on the threshold of this change in perspective. Bringing divergents out of the realm of pathology will take a little time, but I am not sick, I am just an android in a room of i-phones! The world is just unable to be flexible enough to accommodate right now. Videos like this are a big step from my childhood where this was unheard of. I'm going to be saying it to myself: I am autistic. World, get over it!
CHEISTEN13, Good post. We're nearly the same age, but I self-diagnosed about 5 years ago. The socially oriented people are instinctually driven to create herds of identical people, with identical thoughts, emotions and behavior. This not only ostracizes divergent people, it also ostracizes higher intelligence and creativity among socially oriented people. The only constant is change. A society of average clones cannot change when reality changes, and it will die. It's a harsh reality. The human race either respects and benefits from our uniqueness, or it dies.
I'm female and my biggest mask is how I physically look. I can't hide my flat affect anymore. It seems to give people the impression that I'm snooty. Which I hate. At work I west sunglasses and loops and idfc who thinks it's weird anymore. I used to act kind of ditsy to cover for my overstimulation making me spacey.
Thanks again for all the good content. I am 54 years old, diagnosed at 53. White-knuckling is how I roll, cracked a tooth from clenching my jaw too hard once. Stimming was beaten out of me at a young age. Being conscripted into the army, just after school didn't help at all. I am so tired, deep in my soul.
All of it, i have done all of that and more surviving 5 mins at a time one horrific thing after the next, running scared 51 years. I never knew what Autism really was thought I did…Convinced I was doing well in my situation. (For a freek from a different planet)No. Not at all. And now I SEE it, I can no longer sustain any of it…i crumble, alone…once again my cries for help not answered. What a mess…😭 my best never ever good enough…i cant navigate all the lies and people just never doing what they say…i am exhausted.
Great video. It makes me remember life as a child. Things I haven't remembered in a long time. Thank you! Edit: I am so good at masking, I have been misdiagnosed many times. Although docs miss the true me, and I know myself more than they do for sure, I know ASD fits perfectly. I have to somehow know that this is who I am and it doesn't matter if I get an official diagnosis or not.
But when I stop masking, my true self offends people. And that in turn makes me feel horrible for making them feel bad. And that’s exhausting. So either way, I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Maybe the best thing is for me to just stay away from people…
I am just learning now that I've spent my entire life so far (I'm 50) masking and not Even realizing it. Becoming aware through therapy and on my way and on the wait list for some adhd or autism diagnosis. Im exhausted and questioning who the heck I am and who I've been this whole time. I feel like I've duped myself abd others. Thanks for your channel. It's important information
Idea/video request: Meltdowns/shutdowns, what they can look like (especially in verbal adults). They are referenced often but despite being diagnosed AuDHD at 5 I still found myself not knowing much about meltdowns outside the clichés NT society has spoonfed us. I think a video on the topic would fit your channel well style very well. Love what you do!
From my personal experience I think I have two main type of melt downs. One of them happened yesterday, I was very tired after long day of work, but had decided to do some partner based workout in the evening with a friend and someone I don't know very well yet. Arriving at training I figured that there were a bigger group invited as well, and there were loud music. A bit into the workout, I was talking with my friend about the exercises we were doing, but I found myself unable to grasp my thoughts into words to make any replies. Normally when I'm well rested I can deal with groups of people and filtering out background music from conversations, but at this point in my day, the ability was exhausted and my brain was running several thought processes. Actively listening to the music and the conversation in the same time as hyperfixating on a something we talked about 10min ago that I was still heavily invested in debating in my head. I felt very out of place and not able to form sentences. so I had to withdraw to the dressing room to get less stimulation, and I just started crying. The other type also appears when I'm low on energy and being overstimulated. When I'm close to people and we start arguing and I get overwhelmed. Then I start getting louder without noticing and I say anything that comes to mind that I need to disagree with. I find it generally easy to not lash out at people, but when I'm tired over a longer time period and feeling pressured, I can find myself in loud verbal fights where I often say things I dont mean the way I manage to express them. No filter. Hyperfixation is also a big keyword in these meltdowns.
me and my friends often make the joke that im like a "mimic" because i naturally pick up on people's "quirks" and i tend to copy others "energy" and then when sometimes i get tired and i stop caring about everything and often wish that i could just die or run away from my problems.
I realized recently that based on the muscle tension in various parts of a person's face, i can usually tell when they are being insincere. Because of this, i actually practiced smiling in the mirror so I could be more convincing. I think i went all these years undiagnosed because of my fear of not being accepted or fear of upsetting people. I've recently begun trying to drop my masking in most situations, like at work, or interacting with people for longer periods of time - but i don't mind flashing a quick smile or saying thank you to a cashier or salesperson. Those quick interactions, i got pretty good at - but it was very intentional.
@@cardboardking577 I just kind of figured it out i guess. I had the benefit of having alot of cousins around the same age that i was always around from the time i was born, so i think alot of my social interactions were learned because of that. I don't get things right alot, but i'm usually good at 5 - 10 minute stretches. Although i am not always right, alot of times i get things wrong.
I can't believe I missed this video when it first went up! It was terrific. I honestly am so glad you were able to diagnose me because I feel like my mask was so solid.... But like you said, maybe only I THOUGHT it was! And oh yes, Unmasking has been a PROCESS. I do wish there was more after diagnosis support, but I do have a great therapist that is learning with me. I've been vlogging my experience on my channel from when you dx'd my teens, through my own "Am I Autistic?!" query and now this continued roller coaster of emotion felt by being a late diagnosed Austic woman. I hope my videos will help other AuDHD or Autistic people not feel so alone in this process, because like you said, finding our community is so important. Thank you for the video, your information is helpful and interesting.
That is interesting because I never thought that I was good at it. Ever. I also would get so stressed out in social situations that I had selective mutism and shutdowns so I couldn't mask. I am 46 and newly diagnosed and I know that those things will always happen. My subconscious masking that described Invalidating our own instincts and feelings fits me better. Especially when it came to being by myself and telling myself how I should be feeling about certain things. "You aren't SUPPOSED to be stressed out right now." "You should be doing this" And I was alone! With no social interaction involved!
@@srldwgselective mutism for me, definitely. I subconsciously mimicked someone else, quoted movies or music lyrics. This realization is making me feel like "was I even real"???
Relating hard here. Working hard to do things others seem to do naturally, always looking at what others were doing and trying to mimic while trying to act like it's normal for me. Mostly in my childhood and early years, less severe now, but I'm 68 now. I have felt like what you are describing most of my life. Receded into addiction for almost 40 yrs. Only in treatment I started 5 yrs ago have I found some relief. An amazing counselor who was able to introduce to me the idea that I am NOT a piece of broken, defective useless garbage. I love her for everything she is in my life. She explained cognitive dissonance to me.
Okay, I just came back to check when the next video might be uploaded only to find out this one is 8 months old now....is there any news on when or if to expect new content? Really love your kind to talk about this topic & were looking forward to be part of that neurodiverse nation.
I didn't think I was very good at masking until a recent situation where I was absolutely triggered and put on quite the performance. Absolutely and completely fooled my therapist who has known me for a year. After a few days passed, I talked to my therapist and explained thinking they must have seen through that. Nope. It actually kind of scared me. I think the mask was part CPTSD and part AuDHD because I went straight into protect myself mode.
Certain personality types seem like they naturally have most of these autistic traits you mention. INTP INFP INTJ INFJ. Just saying. Might be something to look into. Not saying they’re the only personality types that seem autistic or that all people with those personalities are autistic. But if you look at their personality profiles they all look a LOT like what is described as autism. Btw, personalities is a *serious* special interest of mine 😂 I am INFJ. Learning there were others like me and that I was actually not just some defective, broken human was the first time I felt ok and I actually sat on my floor and cried tears of relief after reading my personality profile and realized that I’m actually *so* *ok* and “normal” that they even have profile literature on people like me! We just happen to not be all that common and we tend to often present as rather “quirky” (that’s the term I’ve always been called by people who want to call me weird but not be mean about it).
I found out I was an INTJ and I was also relieved to know there are other people like me. This was before I found out about my autism. Looking back I realize pretty much every INTJ should be suspect of being somewhere on the spectrum.
I subed because I enjoy the content presentation, I am feeling imposter syndrome post self-diagnosis, no one seems to believe me (including therapists), and there are not a ton of channels on this where the content creator is a licensed clinician. Thank you for these videos, I wish you success.
I really hope to see more content from you. I hope you haven't quit RUclips. I was getting a lot of useful information from you and I really appreciated your perspective as an autistic person and as a doctor. I hope all is well with you.
As someone diagnosed in kindergarten in the mid 90's, when the normal help for autism was therapy to be "more normal", i *definitely* mask. Major problem is i've been masking for so long, from such a young age, i don't quite know what all is a mask or isn't, or *how* to not mask anymore, and even the few people i'm close to wouldn't know i was autistic if it hadn't come up in conversation at some point.
What struck me most in this video was the being calm part. Or looking the part. I've been known as the calm, stoic what have you guy. It's such an effective universal mask. It's taken very positively at school, work, family dinners... Combine that with alexithymia it's also something to get lost in. Funny thing about smiling. I learnt as a kid at some point that I smile too much. At six years old or earlier. Took a while to learn to smile again. So in high school I was the calm guy who smiled serenely 😅 It was nice. I felt the most accepted I ever had.
When I smile it looks so forced.The reason is if I smile natural I smile when I feel any emotion. Particular problem when the smile is not appropriate for the situation. So I make a stoic face and force a smile as to not get into situation where I'd offend some by smiling at an inappropriate time. That go me into a lot trouble as kid being chastised by teacher and here's this kid smiling like he's happy. I'm not they can't tell. So stoic faced mask.
I don't usually recognize when I'm masking because I've done it for my whole life. When I have the freedom to stim though, I feel more comfortable not masking as much.
masking is exhausting and i find that i get irritable and overstimulated by my surroundings. Its important for me because i can sometimes slip up and say things that are out of pocket on a whim. stuff that i may not realize is inappropriate for the situation.
I once saw myself unmasking in a video record. I was invited to talk about my work in a local radio program and I decided to only be mindfull of my voice, the contend of the conversation and the microphone. Later I arrived to the office where the secretary was laughing at the "streamed video" of the recording booth. I was rocking in the chair, flapping my hands while talking, bouncing some times, wearing a baseball cap kind of hat... there were four cameras in the room. I only saw one and I thought it was a security camera. It would have been nice to be warned that they would be video streaming.
@NeurodivergentDoctor You look like a masked version of Dr. House. M.D. :) He's my autistic hero. Or anti-villain. I just found your RUclips videos today. Holy shit! They're like a summary of my whole life's story. Profound! I have been diagnosed with ADHD, but the rabbit holes runs far deeper than I imagined. I AM on the fucking spectrum! I was still somewhat skeptical before today, having done a lot of research. To me this is confirmation.I hereby diagnose myself as being on the highly functioning end of the autism spectrum.
When I was younger, I actually planned from one day to the next who I would decide to be, depending on who I would be around. I’d plan how I could play it out. Sometimes I thought I did such a good job of it, I did have fun and felt that I should get an academy award. These days, I’m much older and I’m struggling so much, it’s like the mask is just falling off and I can no longer keep it up. I am seriously burnt out and these days avoid people because I’m often a mess and need as much as a week to recover. I need a lot of time alone. I’m trying to be whoever it is I really am, it’s very challenging. Though I have to script a lot before I see people, the internal policing drives me crazy. I feel like I’m fighting to survive as myself now.
I did such a good job at acting like Britney that when I met people they would start calling me Britney. I have been madonna, Christina, and every other female I thought would get me attention 😢
I loved your videos. They really helped me understand more about my autism. As for the masking I I felt like I can take I off when I'm home alone. Also I've alwaysed called it "wearing a tight shirt". There is one thing I wish to ask about. You see, I feel that there's a miscommunication between my thoughts and my hands or words. Like I can visualize what I want to draw on paper, but when I start to sketch it out, it looks nothing like what I imagined it to be. Another example is when I try to describe certain things or say the names of certain things tend to freeze up or slur my words. Sometimes I have to talk really slow to get out what I'm trying to say but half the time it doesn't work. This has often been a problem with my social experiences and sometimes mocked for. I've been wondering if this has to do with how my head is wired or if it's something I can learn to overcome.
Aaahhhh ! MAsking as a woman to "fit in " to the society's expectations without being your authentic self is so incredibly damaging to ourselves !!!!! GEtting bullied RIGHT NOW by the City for my ADA request to shield the bright lights around my house. It's horrible !
I think the part of the video that spoke to me most intensely was when you mentioned about masking leading to depression… where can I learn more on this?
Thanks. I actually bought a good mic... and forgot the adapter to it the day I recorded this. LOL. The next one should be better... unless I forget something else.
@@NeurodivergentDoctor Also, music is a distraction for those of us with auditory processing issues. I usually have to put on closed captioning and shut off the sound, in order to “hear” your words properly.
My journaling process became a documentary: "Was It Autism All Along?" available here on YT in 6 episodes. In Part 4, I explain how my former bosses used my theatrical experience against me, to force me to mask more than I was capable of. I say: "Stage acting has a time limit. Real-world acting doesn't."
Just recently self diagnosed and I had been masking my whole life until just a few months ago. Now that I realize the part of my equation that was wrong was that I was fundamentally different and not like everyone else. Now the world and my previous life experiences make a lot more sense. Now that I’m aware of the mask I can interact with life with new license.
Still hard to think I deserve ANYTHING, why do I deserve more understanding than a neurotypical person? Do they really suffer so much less? When I look around at my friend group, they all suffer. I just can't bring myself to see myself in a "worse" position, while I still relate to everything that you say about hurting and masking :( The Imposter is strong!
Honestly I think I would be most happy with around 2-5 people that I have contact with on a daily/weekly basis. I live with my brother and he does everything he can to help and understand me and I feel really at home. But whenever I "force" myself to go to a birthday or call someone or get called, I feel overwhelmed and not ready.
@@DioHard I started trying to think more about the other person's perspective when I am expected to do "normie" things. For example, I know my nephew is coming around and I have the OPTION to see him. I remember being a kid, you know kids don't initiate with adults. I have to be the one to initiate and create the fun and get him interested in knowing me and happy to be around me. Its just what a good uncle does. Otherwise, you end up as the "drunk uncle" nobody wants to talk to and that is about the extent that they know or care about you. Kids usually have a low filter on emotions and can let you have it if they are mad at you. It's hard. It's not my wheelhouse to be this guy, but once I started forming a bond with him it became easier. I just had to be aware of how the own child in my emotional side was trying to pull me away from this situation irrationally to go do things on my lonesome that I enjoyed. It can make us very selfish and self-centered, even though it comes about in an innocent self-preserving way. You have to fight thru it. See the other person's perspective as much as possible when you think about situations before you let the emotions drive the fear in you. Always realize you cannot pre-determine the future as you set the stages in your head.
just found this channel and bummed that he seems to have stopped adding videos and his blog isn't active either now. :( I hope he's doing ok and i hope he knows that he has helped a lot of people. sorry if the youtube comments were too frustrating or the response wasn't enough to make up for the time spent, i can't imagine doing this kind of work because i definitely see how hard it is, but i am grateful that he did it for a while and i hope he's working on things that fulfill him and that help others, because he seems to genuinely care about the subject and subjects. thanks doc.
I am seriously considering to make watching one of your videos while getting ready in the morning my new (probably) temporary routine. They make me feel really comfortable with myself, something I hardly ever new growing up, and are just such a pleasant mix of information and empathy. Thank you 🤗 - a fellow AuDHDer (f, late 20s)
I just found your videos- these are some of the very best I’ve found on autism- probably because you’re one of us! 😉 As a late diagnosed autistic female recovering from severe burnout, I’d love to see someone make some basic workout videos tailored to their needs- Anything low-stim, yet encourages getting stronger and moving to combat the burnout would be soo useful! 😊. Thanks again for making these!
I second this! How can I get some cardio without causing a panic attack? What is it about yoga that makes me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin? In too deep to unmask. Feeling stuck in the cycle of being burnt out from masking. How to break cycle???
My favorite part of this video was the Spooky Skeleton gag when the vid was released Jan 2nd. Somehow, for me, it eked out over the fantastic commentary about masking.
Your video is amazing. Gota applaud all the effort and level of attention given to all these mostly serious aspects of daily masking, and also for vulnerbly exposing yourself in most of your videos...👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 It shows a high level of self acceptance and authenticity. Yes masking is EXTREMELY exhausting and not always received positively in this world of emotional and social bullies. ASD + PTSD amongst constant highly critical people, can also really destroy an individual and leave them with all sorts of anxiety, depression and co-dependent tendencies... Yes! Dissociation and "Burnout" is also reality! And thereafter, the demanding stresses and expectations of having to explain ALL THIS mental chaos to close associates🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️ THANK YOU! Your videos are definitely another resource to help us neurodivergents in clearly expressing our own position in life. Hopefully we can all proudly identify and achieve This level of accepting and portraying ourselfs, in aid of survival during our existence amongst the so-called "normal" society🤪
Tysvm for this video. I am slightly jealous of Audrey 2 in the background. I hope this video finds you doing well. Your videos are really helping me. I hope you make more.
a friend of mine and I once went extreme masking for fun, we went somewhere and just went to act overly humanlike, so all the absurd things about humans like only caring about humans, war, fighting, walking in agressive ways, etc. so we would walk very weird and just say things like "human sound" "very normal" "normal people" "war, fighting" "human human human human" or something like that, kind of being the aliens who pretend to be human and are convincing but act it through way to far. the ways humans react is amazing since they often don't dare to react properly so you see it in their face and behaviour and such. so actually it is no longer needing to mask by just using intentionally overly extreme masking where it is more a joke of game to have fun, so you will have fun and do what you feel like which is making that act even more absurd.
I’m so good at masking that I used to answer survey and personality quizzes with the masked socially accepted answer instead of telling my autistic truth. It feels so freeing to now just answer these things with my true authentic neurospicy self. Lol.
I couldn't agree more with everything you're saying in this video - thank you so much for shining your fabulously quirky and intelligent charm to these videos as well. I dig it 🤘
Literally started sweating balls when you did that at 22:35 ... I think when people get over certain aspects of things and talk to me or see me they are really ... They make me do that. Like probably anyone who does i my body just gets totally sweaty
Some of us on the spectrum are extremely sensitive to sound quality. Please consider getting a decent microphone and covering large flat surfaces with sound damping material. TIA for your consideration.
great video! i've always thought my masking is perfect until people around me started asking questions or just straight up mocking my fidgeting/stims. never ever been diagnosed with autism and i dont think i want to, at least not really. but if you dont have an official diagnosis, people don't believe because "you're not autistic enough" (whatever that means) the world we live in, huh /sad
I think I commented on another segment on this channel. I was enamored with music. I watched seasoned touring pros work an audience with their music, and with witty repartee between tunes. I wanted to do this. I first had to get comfortable just being on stage, and playing my instrument... Eventualy I tried copying the material of my heroes.... It worked. Eventually, I wore the figurative mask, looking people in the eye, being self-confident, strong body language. When working, I'd behave this way until I got in my car to go home. Now, I can turn it on and off depending on the situation... but when home, alone, I'm back to good ol me.... i love solitude... but also enjoy wearing the mask. I'm old now, and am beginning to be mindful of assertive male behavior... I've things to get done and it involves being in control of situations that will advance my life. I am amazed that people respond to me after years of being a scared wallflower. Then, I figured out that this is how the world really operates...imagine that.
I find it sad that there are not really any autistic creators that are level 2 and 3 on here. Things like being able to mask is a privilege not all of us have. Regardless, you are amazing level one representation and I love your channel so far
NB separate comment, was this a backup camera? My autie AV tech side is coming out and yelling that this seems extremely Mini-DV-cam on the quality front, for various reasons that would be tedious (for everyone reading) to explain. Or in other words a tech that was already spiralling down the plughole fifteen years ago... Seems rather odd to be using that instead of a HD handycam that records to memory card, or a DSLR, or just a phone, all of which would give a much higher grade of video and audio... It's still perfectly watchable, but the lower resolution and the background noise that I've become less accustomed to over the last decade sort of stood out in a way that caused my senses to interfere with paying attention at first ;)
How can I know if I'm neurodivergent? I just discovered this channel and relate to some of the things described, but it can't be trustworthy to self-diagnose, right?
Do you find inner conflict when working with professionals how lack in autism training, but compensate with aggressive behaviour? Abuse of the autistic is common - especially within health care, possibly due to the higher stakes involved. I find it so very difficult to see a GP even for pneumonia, that I try to solve anything with the aid of dr Google first. I would like to change this. I know my story is just a drop in our ND river. I'm not blaiming you - the complete stranger. But it would be interesting to hear you adress this. Cheers!
i can't recall any particular instance, or thing i do, all i know is that i'm always nervous around (new) people because i feel i need to appear normal and not anxious. and since i don't know many people, 99% of the people in my life are new and never become 'not new'
Autistic Unmasking is actually scary, based on the consequences of being socially bullied and/or accepted by everyone. Being rejected or abandoned because of your identity is NOT fun, and mainly the reason for Masking I think. Tool for survival🤷♂️ WOW😔The concept/need of Belonging and Acceptance is GREATLY underestimated.
I completely relate to having learned to be personable. I work in mental health and can be very personable and attune to others well. It's not fake but I had to learn it. It's more around peers I don't know very well where I have a total mask.
Hello! I love your videos. I wonder if you have an opinion on Gabor Mate's view on ADHD and if you could share your thoughts, as it's been puzzling me for a while. All the best!!
8 months since you last posted a video. I hope you are okay. I would love you to make a video about the high correlation between autism and gender dysphoria. Trying not to be transgender is like masking.
Met with a very old friend yesterday. “You’re always searching.” “You have a way of doing things that isn’t typical. It is interesting.” I still do feel a bit defined though.
till I was self-diagnosed I had always thought masking was just a human experience and I was weak for getting exhausted by it (
Meeee too...
Same..
I always just thought everyone did it all the time, they were just better at it than I was. Life was a videogame, and everyone was just better at it than I was.
Damn baby
@@NorthshireGamingi feel that on a soul level.
I’ve been misdiagnosed 3 times because I’m so good at masking. I’m just now discovering that I am autistic and that I didn’t need to get put on a concoction of psychiatric meds that essentially lobotomized me. I didn’t need CBT. I needed love and acceptance. I needed to be understood
Sorry but you are masking again
@@madbee3 idk how to stop HELP
Glad you accept yourself 😌 as a fellow Autistic I pray you get all your needs met and acceptance. Peace and blessings to you 🙏🏼🙂
For me the main way that I mask is by behaving like the "strong silent" person in the group. It isn't being fake because I am frequently silent, even when I'm on my own or around safe people like my girlfriend or brother. I'm also loud and zany a lot of the time. So I just extend part of me to all the time when I'm around people.
Recently I have stopped masking as much. It feels nice to not mask as much.
I feel that. Sometimes it is easier to just extend one mask into multiple situations.
Do you feel naturally zany though? Was that an exaggeration of your natural zaniness, or a unnatural zaniness that you imitated what you observed from others to appear outgoing?
@@srldwg it's a natural zaniness. Sometimes I'm just a zany goofball.
For me unfortunately I took the opposite approach and ended up being the person who is uncomfortable around silence as long as everybody aren't already good friends.
So I got really good at riffing/improvising but it's become a nightmare too because the need to be understood also so I'll just vomit out paragraphs of info at a time, but fast since attention span of people are short and getting shorter.
Great for talking with people who want to talk since I like to listen, nightmarish when hanging out with friends nowadays because everyone has multiple monitors and watch videos during video calls so there's just dead silence for 10+ minutes and I'm panicking trying to fill the void as I feel the hangout slowly start to end because i need activities during hangouts.
So unfortunately 4/5 of my friends like to hang out in complete silence in an audio call for hours at a time, doing different games and watching movies on their own etc etc. All dead silent but on mic so if they DID speak or make any noise you'll instantly know, they just don't.
Which makes me anxious because self regulation techniques keep me from doing the same or feel calm doing the same because many reasons but top amongst them is the "always be as silent and unobtrusive as possible to not annoy others when they require silence" (Typical reasons that was forced into a child but also doubled down because realism FPS gamer friends getting really tunnel visioned during clutch times makes them angry at external info, even if its a best friend and telling them the exact precise callout of my killers location and the fact that they're blind and looting me 5ft around the corner
@@krelekari I dont understand hanging out very well. Im more like: lets have a deep moment that is meaningful and gives food for self reflecting. And have that like once a month. Or a year. Or lets just stick to writing, then its demanding the focus and giving time to focus in peace. Just hanging out for the sake of hanging out, not my cup if tea.
That line from Elenore Rigby, "wearing a mask that keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for," just keeps going around in my head. I have always felt like how your parents say be on your best behavior like when you are going to church or something.
I've actually stopped and checked my face expression sitting here alone in my apartment, and yeah, the smile and "pleasant face" both were there, although I'was being on the verge of tears the whole day. It's so scary how deep this thing is
I belive smiling activates certain hormones (happy), so it can be used consciously to feel better. Surely different if its unconscious, and body really needs to release stress hormones by crying. Bests🌟
When you mentioned hygiene issues, I realized something about myself. As a child and young adolescent, I had a terrible time brushing my teeth. Using toothpaste made me vomit and I avoided the toothpaste as much as possible. I switched to using a baking soda tooth powder. I'd attributed this problem with toothpaste to be related to the sexual abuse I endured (along with my 2 sisters and 12 other female cousins) from my grandfather.
I also have almost a phobia about taking a shower. I fell on the tub edge a couple of times, and have blamed this for not wanting to take a shower.
However, when you mentioned hygiene, suddenly it hit me that both of these problems with hygiene are absolutely sensory issues! And they produce all kinds of problems for me!
Wow! This was amazing! Sudden self discovery! What a dopamine surge!
I relate to this so much. Not the toothbrush part, but other frightening experiences as a little autistic girl when I didn't understand what was happening to my body in various compromised situations. Revisiting memories or being triggered by objects that are associated with the events have always caused me nausea and trembling, disorientation, and shame at my loss of control over my body. It's like my brain didn't sense that I was in danger, but my body knew, and it was screaming at me that something was happening that was wrong and evil.
Same with toothpaste, I've used plain baking soda for decades.
I also don't like showers, who wants to be pounded by a fire hose?
@@musicteacher5757how about a bath with relaxing rose aroma (or any other to your liking), can they be relaxing to body?
I was told as a child that I should act attentive and have a smile on my face the whole time. That is my main mask. It is so ingrained, that I mask when I'm alone. Whatever else I use for masking, I don't even recognise.
Same! Apparently: no face expressions = no feelings. I couldn't understand why my face muscles are so tense until I've noticed that I would be smiling even being on my own
I realized i was masking my entire life and it clicked that THAT's why i was always so exhausted after working a job where I sat at a desk all day. A few years ago, i think i hit a point where the mask started to crack, and once I realized what it was - i just let go and I felt liberated, like a weight lifted. I worry less about some situations because i realized that situations where I knew all the steps of the interactions, or were confident in my knowledge - i was not "as" anxious (i always have some butterflies in my stomach) but then in times where I knew it would cause me to panic if i didnt know what to do (like going into a new sandwich shop or coffee stop and not know the protocol for where to order or what to say or what people 'usually do') then I knew if i took a few moments, scanned the area for markers (cash register, a queue of people, any signs) and then I found I could navigate my way to a person who could help, then maybe asking the person "i have never been here before - can you quickly help me understand what to do?". Not fool proof though because some people are just jerks but most of the time people will be like "oh yeah sure - you order there, and you pick up there ".
But until i realized i was likely autistic, i never would have thought to do that, because i was always so scared of breaking 'social etiquette' rules by not ordering right or accidentally cutting someone (this happened at a grocery store a few years ago. another customer gave me crap for standing in the wrong place, even though THE SIGN SAID TO STAND THERE and i was so mad that if i didnt absolutely need the stuff i was buying, i would have left it there and walked out.
I'm calmer (calmER) now in the 'every day' situations that used to make me panic because I realized I just process the situation differently.
At 5:15 when you mentioned masking too far and upsetting people and then suffering their ostracism I had to play it 3 or 4 times cos this has been my experience my whole life. Finally I understand that I was masking and can start to let go of some of that shame of feeling like I'm never getting it right. Thanks.
That is amazing. Thanks for the comment.
Shame. What a teacher!
I feel this so much. I had to pause after he said it and give myself a chance to process.
I do this constantly still-years after self-identifying, and a few years of being officially diagnosed AuDHD (although the diagnostician didn’t say it like that. Lol).
I parrot things that were just discussed, then get lectured about how offensive something I said was, often by the person I parroted. It’s crushing and confusing. SHAME is a good word, and sadly, for me, not a good teacher. Just a re-traumatizing one because I forget until it feels like Deja vu, or when I recognize it in retrospect, or get called out by someone else. I *am* a social person, but I get so exhausted by my own mistakes that I often want to just stop trying (probably more so with neurotypicals). I’m days away from my 37th birthday, I have three neurodivergent kids (I should try to give my kids good social examples, at least), and I still feel like quitting more often than I feel like continuing to try anymore.
Thankfully a newer set of friends are also neurodivergent and we’re all very accepting of each other. But, I also don’t want to put all my “friendship pressure” on just them, especially if for some reason it doesn’t work out in the future.
But, I’m getting way ahead of myself (and now this is too long for me to comfortably edit on mobile, so I’m leaving it 😅). Just know that Dr. Service’s acknowledgment and your thoughtful comment really hit for me. Thank you for sharing. 🫂
One way I mask is wearing sunglasses indoors but I'm also epileptic and light sensitive so I don't get too many weird looks
I masked by creating an entirely different persona which led me into a career in law enforcement. I ended up breaking down completely after 15 years and now I’m studying to be a dance movement therapist ✌️💕🌻
Hi @buttercxpdraws8101 My Father was in Law Enforcement, He masked by lower his voice to a very deep register.. he did this so much that he ended up talking to us kids that way. I'm happy to hear you are doing dance movement therapy. Dance can be a form of Stimming. So can Spinning. I ended up being an Exotic Dancer, it was the perfect job.. I learned how to be Social. Which was a very big thing for me to learn. I masked at first but then I learned to enjoy social interaction in my own time space. I loved stage, I got to spin around the pole and dance too. I loved dancing for customers, I enjoyed the play acting at first as the Seductress.. like Angelina Jolie. I enjoyed Dancing for customers while zoning out in the moment of the music. It's been hard to want to do another job. No wonder, because I got to Stim for 8 hours! what other job lets you do that !
I really enjoyed the covid times in this respect - wearing an actual face mask ment a huge energy saving for me - no fake smiling for months! Real empowering feeling.
My mask fully cracked last year, now I've been avoiding being around people because I haven't been in the most positive state of mind. These videos are definitely helping me to feel less shame and fear around how i communicate with others. Thank you 🙏🏿
❤
I am 34 and only officially diagnosed shortly after the start of the pandemic. It has been wild to realize how much I mask at home by myself and how much my mental health has improved as I slowly learn what parts of me are externally imposed and let myself be more authentic in MY OWN SPACE WITH NO ONE WATCHING.
No wonder I spent so long exhausted and dead inside. I never dropped it. Never rested. Just allowing myself to get noise cancelling headphones and wear them when I wash the dishes has been a game changer. Yeesh.
I'm loving this channel. It's very informative and validating.
I don't think I fake my personality, but the ways I mask tend to be consciously doing things that are generally unconscious to most people. For example, I am genuinely interested in listening to someone, but it doesn't show on my face so I modify my facial expression and I look at them even though I can listen better if I'm not looking at them. I come up with scripts before a conversation, and I have imaginary conversations in my head so I'm prepared for almost anything that could come up in real conversation (like shadow boxing).
OH this is such a great video! You are a fantastic teacher. Saying THAT to you was an authentic reaction from my heart.
Yup...65 years of masking until I just this week figured out I am autistic. Wow. I can finally stop the struggling and just learn each day about being me.
Masking is required even for typicals...you really ought not crack up giggling at a funeral after all. My healer calls it wearing "hats". Knowing when you are doing it...that would be the key. I get it now.
Being older I suppose I can just let people think I am "eccentric" as I find the real me under a lifetime of imposed masking. Learning who I truly am has been a long journey and this is the frame for that puzzle. Thanks!!!
I think in a few generations "normal" will be different. We are on the threshold of this change in perspective. Bringing divergents out of the realm of pathology will take a little time, but I am not sick, I am just an android in a room of i-phones! The world is just unable to be flexible enough to accommodate right now. Videos like this are a big step from my childhood where this was unheard of.
I'm going to be saying it to myself: I am autistic. World, get over it!
"I am just an android in a room of i-phones!" That is a funny way to put it, but it seems fitting doesn't it?
CHEISTEN13,
Good post.
We're nearly the same age, but I self-diagnosed about 5 years ago.
The socially oriented people are instinctually driven to create herds of identical people, with identical thoughts, emotions and behavior.
This not only ostracizes divergent people, it also ostracizes higher intelligence and creativity among socially oriented people.
The only constant is change.
A society of average clones cannot change when reality changes, and it will die.
It's a harsh reality. The human race either respects and benefits from our uniqueness, or it dies.
I'm female and my biggest mask is how I physically look. I can't hide my flat affect anymore. It seems to give people the impression that I'm snooty. Which I hate. At work I west sunglasses and loops and idfc who thinks it's weird anymore.
I used to act kind of ditsy to cover for my overstimulation making me spacey.
Thanks again for all the good content. I am 54 years old, diagnosed at 53. White-knuckling is how I roll, cracked a tooth from clenching my jaw too hard once. Stimming was beaten out of me at a young age. Being conscripted into the army, just after school didn't help at all. I am so tired, deep in my soul.
All of it, i have done all of that and more surviving 5 mins at a time one horrific thing after the next, running scared 51 years. I never knew what Autism really was thought I did…Convinced I was doing well in my situation. (For a freek from a different planet)No. Not at all. And now I SEE it, I can no longer sustain any of it…i crumble, alone…once again my cries for help not answered. What a mess…😭 my best never ever good enough…i cant navigate all the lies and people just never doing what they say…i am exhausted.
Great video. It makes me remember life as a child. Things I haven't remembered in a long time. Thank you! Edit: I am so good at masking, I have been misdiagnosed many times. Although docs miss the true me, and I know myself more than they do for sure, I know ASD fits perfectly. I have to somehow know that this is who I am and it doesn't matter if I get an official diagnosis or not.
Extremely insightful comment that I hope many read so that they don't feel invalidated anymore about this.
Exactly!
@@srldwg thank you so much.
@@paavohirn3728 thank you.
So glad you said this ! Keep on !
But when I stop masking, my true self offends people. And that in turn makes me feel horrible for making them feel bad. And that’s exhausting. So either way, I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Maybe the best thing is for me to just stay away from people…
Can you give examples of what you feel would offend people about your behavior according to your perception? Thank you very much in advance
I am just learning now that I've spent my entire life so far (I'm 50) masking and not Even realizing it. Becoming aware through therapy and on my way and on the wait list for some adhd or autism diagnosis. Im exhausted and questioning who the heck I am and who I've been this whole time. I feel like I've duped myself abd others. Thanks for your channel. It's important information
Also you're hilarious and your sense of humour makes me smile 😊
Idea/video request:
Meltdowns/shutdowns, what they can look like (especially in verbal adults).
They are referenced often but despite being diagnosed AuDHD at 5 I still found myself not knowing much about meltdowns outside the clichés NT society has spoonfed us.
I think a video on the topic would fit your channel well style very well. Love what you do!
From my personal experience I think I have two main type of melt downs.
One of them happened yesterday, I was very tired after long day of work, but had decided to do some partner based workout in the evening with a friend and someone I don't know very well yet. Arriving at training I figured that there were a bigger group invited as well, and there were loud music. A bit into the workout, I was talking with my friend about the exercises we were doing, but I found myself unable to grasp my thoughts into words to make any replies. Normally when I'm well rested I can deal with groups of people and filtering out background music from conversations, but at this point in my day, the ability was exhausted and my brain was running several thought processes. Actively listening to the music and the conversation in the same time as hyperfixating on a something we talked about 10min ago that I was still heavily invested in debating in my head. I felt very out of place and not able to form sentences. so I had to withdraw to the dressing room to get less stimulation, and I just started crying.
The other type also appears when I'm low on energy and being overstimulated. When I'm close to people and we start arguing and I get overwhelmed. Then I start getting louder without noticing and I say anything that comes to mind that I need to disagree with. I find it generally easy to not lash out at people, but when I'm tired over a longer time period and feeling pressured, I can find myself in loud verbal fights where I often say things I dont mean the way I manage to express them. No filter. Hyperfixation is also a big keyword in these meltdowns.
me and my friends often make the joke that im like a "mimic" because i naturally pick up on people's "quirks" and i tend to copy others "energy" and then when sometimes i get tired and i stop caring about everything and often wish that i could just die or run away from my problems.
I am the same 😢
I realized recently that based on the muscle tension in various parts of a person's face, i can usually tell when they are being insincere. Because of this, i actually practiced smiling in the mirror so I could be more convincing. I think i went all these years undiagnosed because of my fear of not being accepted or fear of upsetting people. I've recently begun trying to drop my masking in most situations, like at work, or interacting with people for longer periods of time - but i don't mind flashing a quick smile or saying thank you to a cashier or salesperson. Those quick interactions, i got pretty good at - but it was very intentional.
How do you tell? Is there a video or anything cus I don't know what to search for
@@cardboardking577 I just kind of figured it out i guess. I had the benefit of having alot of cousins around the same age that i was always around from the time i was born, so i think alot of my social interactions were learned because of that. I don't get things right alot, but i'm usually good at 5 - 10 minute stretches. Although i am not always right, alot of times i get things wrong.
I can't believe I missed this video when it first went up! It was terrific. I honestly am so glad you were able to diagnose me because I feel like my mask was so solid.... But like you said, maybe only I THOUGHT it was! And oh yes, Unmasking has been a PROCESS. I do wish there was more after diagnosis support, but I do have a great therapist that is learning with me. I've been vlogging my experience on my channel from when you dx'd my teens, through my own "Am I Autistic?!" query and now this continued roller coaster of emotion felt by being a late diagnosed Austic woman. I hope my videos will help other AuDHD or Autistic people not feel so alone in this process, because like you said, finding our community is so important. Thank you for the video, your information is helpful and interesting.
That is interesting because I never thought that I was good at it.
Ever. I also would get so stressed out in social situations that I had selective mutism and shutdowns so I couldn't mask. I am 46 and newly diagnosed and I know that those things will always happen.
My subconscious masking that described Invalidating our own instincts and feelings fits me better. Especially when it came to being by myself and telling myself how I should be feeling about certain things. "You aren't SUPPOSED to be stressed out right now." "You should be doing this"
And I was alone! With no social interaction involved!
@@srldwgselective mutism for me, definitely. I subconsciously mimicked someone else, quoted movies or music lyrics. This realization is making me feel like "was I even real"???
Dear Doctor. Our smiles are beautiful because they're authentic. We don't need to smile if its not right for us.
Relating hard here. Working hard to do things others seem to do naturally, always looking at what others were doing and trying to mimic while trying to act like it's normal for me. Mostly in my childhood and early years, less severe now, but I'm 68 now. I have felt like what you are describing most of my life. Receded into addiction for almost 40 yrs. Only in treatment I started 5 yrs ago have I found some relief. An amazing counselor who was able to introduce to me the idea that I am NOT a piece of broken, defective useless garbage. I love her for everything she is in my life. She explained cognitive dissonance to me.
Okay, I just came back to check when the next video might be uploaded only to find out this one is 8 months old now....is there any news on when or if to expect new content? Really love your kind to talk about this topic & were looking forward to be part of that neurodiverse nation.
I have a hard time hearing you while trying not to listen to the music in the background, lol, but it's another great video! Thanks
Same for me. I end up fast forwarding through sections with music, missing some of the content...
Same auditory processing issues 😅
I didn't think I was very good at masking until a recent situation where I was absolutely triggered and put on quite the performance. Absolutely and completely fooled my therapist who has known me for a year. After a few days passed, I talked to my therapist and explained thinking they must have seen through that. Nope. It actually kind of scared me. I think the mask was part CPTSD and part AuDHD because I went straight into protect myself mode.
Certain personality types seem like they naturally have most of these autistic traits you mention.
INTP INFP INTJ INFJ.
Just saying. Might be something to look into. Not saying they’re the only personality types that seem autistic or that all people with those personalities are autistic. But if you look at their personality profiles they all look a LOT like what is described as autism.
Btw, personalities is a *serious* special interest of mine 😂 I am INFJ.
Learning there were others like me and that I was actually not just some defective, broken human was the first time I felt ok and I actually sat on my floor and cried tears of relief after reading my personality profile and realized that I’m actually *so* *ok* and “normal” that they even have profile literature on people like me! We just happen to not be all that common and we tend to often present as rather “quirky” (that’s the term I’ve always been called by people who want to call me weird but not be mean about it).
I found out I was an INTJ and I was also relieved to know there are other people like me. This was before I found out about my autism. Looking back I realize pretty much every INTJ should be suspect of being somewhere on the spectrum.
I’m sad you don’t upload anymore I love your videos :(
I subed because I enjoy the content presentation, I am feeling imposter syndrome post self-diagnosis, no one seems to believe me (including therapists), and there are not a ton of channels on this where the content creator is a licensed clinician. Thank you for these videos, I wish you success.
I really hope to see more content from you. I hope you haven't quit RUclips. I was getting a lot of useful information from you and I really appreciated your perspective as an autistic person and as a doctor. I hope all is well with you.
As someone diagnosed in kindergarten in the mid 90's, when the normal help for autism was therapy to be "more normal", i *definitely* mask. Major problem is i've been masking for so long, from such a young age, i don't quite know what all is a mask or isn't, or *how* to not mask anymore, and even the few people i'm close to wouldn't know i was autistic if it hadn't come up in conversation at some point.
What struck me most in this video was the being calm part. Or looking the part. I've been known as the calm, stoic what have you guy. It's such an effective universal mask. It's taken very positively at school, work, family dinners... Combine that with alexithymia it's also something to get lost in.
Funny thing about smiling. I learnt as a kid at some point that I smile too much. At six years old or earlier. Took a while to learn to smile again. So in high school I was the calm guy who smiled serenely 😅 It was nice. I felt the most accepted I ever had.
When I smile it looks so forced.The reason is if I smile natural I smile when I feel any emotion. Particular problem when the smile is not appropriate for the situation. So I make a stoic face and force a smile as to not get into situation where I'd offend some by smiling at an inappropriate time. That go me into a lot trouble as kid being chastised by teacher and here's this kid smiling like he's happy. I'm not they can't tell. So stoic faced mask.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I get that.
I've never felt comfortable with myself. Sounds harsh but i don't typically feel like i fit just about anywhere.
I don't usually recognize when I'm masking because I've done it for my whole life. When I have the freedom to stim though, I feel more comfortable not masking as much.
I think I can just be me at home with my dog. I don't think I'm me any other time. Even my meltdowns I can hold until I'm alone.
masking is exhausting and i find that i get irritable and overstimulated by my surroundings. Its important for me because i can sometimes slip up and say things that are out of pocket on a whim. stuff that i may not realize is inappropriate for the situation.
Please continue to produce content. It’s so good!!!
I once saw myself unmasking in a video record. I was invited to talk about my work in a local radio program and I decided to only be mindfull of my voice, the contend of the conversation and the microphone. Later I arrived to the office where the secretary was laughing at the "streamed video" of the recording booth. I was rocking in the chair, flapping my hands while talking, bouncing some times, wearing a baseball cap kind of hat... there were four cameras in the room. I only saw one and I thought it was a security camera.
It would have been nice to be warned that they would be video streaming.
You were badly prepped. But it's okay, just be you.
@NeurodivergentDoctor
You look like a masked version of Dr. House. M.D. :) He's my autistic hero. Or anti-villain. I just found your RUclips videos today. Holy shit! They're like a summary of my whole life's story. Profound! I have been diagnosed with ADHD, but the rabbit holes runs far deeper than I imagined. I AM on the fucking spectrum! I was still somewhat skeptical before today, having done a lot of research. To me this is confirmation.I hereby diagnose myself as being on the highly functioning end of the autism spectrum.
When I was younger, I actually planned from one day to the next who I would decide to be, depending on who I would be around. I’d plan how I could play it out. Sometimes I thought I did such a good job of it, I did have fun and felt that I should get an academy award. These days, I’m much older and I’m struggling so much, it’s like the mask is just falling off and I can no longer keep it up. I am seriously burnt out and these days avoid people because I’m often a mess and need as much as a week to recover. I need a lot of time alone. I’m trying to be whoever it is I really am, it’s very challenging. Though I have to script a lot before I see people, the internal policing drives me crazy. I feel like I’m fighting to survive as myself now.
I did such a good job at acting like Britney that when I met people they would start calling me Britney. I have been madonna, Christina, and every other female I thought would get me attention 😢
I loved your videos. They really helped me understand more about my autism. As for the masking I I felt like I can take I off when I'm home alone. Also I've alwaysed called it "wearing a tight shirt".
There is one thing I wish to ask about.
You see, I feel that there's a miscommunication between my thoughts and my hands or words. Like I can visualize what I want to draw on paper, but when I start to sketch it out, it looks nothing like what I imagined it to be.
Another example is when I try to describe certain things or say the names of certain things tend to freeze up or slur my words. Sometimes I have to talk really slow to get out what I'm trying to say but half the time it doesn't work. This has often been a problem with my social experiences and sometimes mocked for.
I've been wondering if this has to do with how my head is wired or if it's something I can learn to overcome.
I need more of your content. Please start making more!
Aaahhhh ! MAsking as a woman to "fit in " to the society's expectations without being your authentic self is so incredibly damaging to ourselves !!!!! GEtting bullied RIGHT NOW by the City for my ADA request to shield the bright lights around my house. It's horrible !
I think the part of the video that spoke to me most intensely was when you mentioned about masking leading to depression… where can I learn more on this?
Your content is excellent. If you could get a better microphone for higher sound quality it would help grow your audience I think. 😊💕🌻
Thanks. I actually bought a good mic... and forgot the adapter to it the day I recorded this. LOL. The next one should be better... unless I forget something else.
@@NeurodivergentDoctor
Also, music is a distraction for those of us with auditory processing issues. I usually have to put on closed captioning and shut off the sound, in order to “hear” your words properly.
wow, you put A LOT into this video. thank you. you help me relax more deeply & release self-criticism. Life isnt hopeless , no it's not!
The celebrating being you section legit made me cry in the middle of getting ready for work this morning 😭💕
My journaling process became a documentary: "Was It Autism All Along?" available here on YT in 6 episodes. In Part 4, I explain how my former bosses used my theatrical experience against me, to force me to mask more than I was capable of. I say: "Stage acting has a time limit. Real-world acting doesn't."
I found this channel recently and it has been so comforting in my journey of better knowing myself, and you crack me up 😂.
I think I've been masking more than I've realized now that you explained it. When I got home from work I had no energy to do anything.
Miss your content! Please come back soon ✌️💕🌻
Biggest problem for me: just by showing up to work I'm already being inauthentic; I have negative interest in being a wage-slave.
Just recently self diagnosed and I had been masking my whole life until just a few months ago. Now that I realize the part of my equation that was wrong was that I was fundamentally different and not like everyone else. Now the world and my previous life experiences make a lot more sense. Now that I’m aware of the mask I can interact with life with new license.
Dr. Service, I can’t express my gratitude enough.
Still hard to think I deserve ANYTHING, why do I deserve more understanding than a neurotypical person? Do they really suffer so much less? When I look around at my friend group, they all suffer. I just can't bring myself to see myself in a "worse" position, while I still relate to everything that you say about hurting and masking :( The Imposter is strong!
Honestly I think I would be most happy with around 2-5 people that I have contact with on a daily/weekly basis. I live with my brother and he does everything he can to help and understand me and I feel really at home. But whenever I "force" myself to go to a birthday or call someone or get called, I feel overwhelmed and not ready.
@diohard I so get it
I felt that
@@DioHard I started trying to think more about the other person's perspective when I am expected to do "normie" things. For example, I know my nephew is coming around and I have the OPTION to see him. I remember being a kid, you know kids don't initiate with adults. I have to be the one to initiate and create the fun and get him interested in knowing me and happy to be around me. Its just what a good uncle does. Otherwise, you end up as the "drunk uncle" nobody wants to talk to and that is about the extent that they know or care about you. Kids usually have a low filter on emotions and can let you have it if they are mad at you. It's hard. It's not my wheelhouse to be this guy, but once I started forming a bond with him it became easier. I just had to be aware of how the own child in my emotional side was trying to pull me away from this situation irrationally to go do things on my lonesome that I enjoyed. It can make us very selfish and self-centered, even though it comes about in an innocent self-preserving way. You have to fight thru it. See the other person's perspective as much as possible when you think about situations before you let the emotions drive the fear in you. Always realize you cannot pre-determine the future as you set the stages in your head.
just found this channel and bummed that he seems to have stopped adding videos and his blog isn't active either now. :( I hope he's doing ok and i hope he knows that he has helped a lot of people. sorry if the youtube comments were too frustrating or the response wasn't enough to make up for the time spent, i can't imagine doing this kind of work because i definitely see how hard it is, but i am grateful that he did it for a while and i hope he's working on things that fulfill him and that help others, because he seems to genuinely care about the subject and subjects. thanks doc.
I love your content. It's helping me understand myself and my diagnosis. These comments make me feel not alone. Thank you ❤
.
I am seriously considering to make watching one of your videos while getting ready in the morning my new (probably) temporary routine. They make me feel really comfortable with myself, something I hardly ever new growing up, and are just such a pleasant mix of information and empathy.
Thank you 🤗
- a fellow AuDHDer (f, late 20s)
You are so helpful to my specific case. The way you talk about this is perfect.
I don’t even know when i’m masking, it’s so natural by this time (61). In fact i wonder where that ends, and the authentic me begins.
I just found your videos- these are some of the very best I’ve found on autism- probably because you’re one of us! 😉 As a late diagnosed autistic female recovering from severe burnout, I’d love to see someone make some basic workout videos tailored to their needs- Anything low-stim, yet encourages getting stronger and moving to combat the burnout would be soo useful! 😊. Thanks again for making these!
I second this! How can I get some cardio without causing a panic attack?
What is it about yoga that makes me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin?
In too deep to unmask. Feeling stuck in the cycle of being burnt out from masking. How to break cycle???
My favorite part of this video was the Spooky Skeleton gag when the vid was released Jan 2nd. Somehow, for me, it eked out over the fantastic commentary about masking.
Your video is amazing. Gota applaud all the effort and level of attention given to all these mostly serious aspects of daily masking, and also for vulnerbly exposing yourself in most of your videos...👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It shows a high level of self acceptance and authenticity.
Yes masking is EXTREMELY exhausting and not always received positively in this world of emotional and social bullies. ASD + PTSD amongst constant highly critical people, can also really destroy an individual and leave them with all sorts of anxiety, depression and co-dependent tendencies... Yes! Dissociation and "Burnout" is also reality! And thereafter, the demanding stresses and expectations of having to explain ALL THIS mental chaos to close associates🙆🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️
THANK YOU!
Your videos are definitely another resource to help us neurodivergents in clearly expressing our own position in life. Hopefully we can all proudly identify and achieve This level of accepting and portraying ourselfs, in aid of survival during our existence amongst the so-called "normal" society🤪
You absolutely sound like Mr Rogers!!! And thank you for your videos. They are soooooo helpful
Tysvm for this video. I am slightly jealous of Audrey 2 in the background. I hope this video finds you doing well. Your videos are really helping me. I hope you make more.
Thank you for this channel! Thank you for the content! Thank you for you! Our numbers are great... We ARE Neurodiverent Nation Strong✊
a friend of mine and I once went extreme masking for fun, we went somewhere and just went to act overly humanlike, so all the absurd things about humans like only caring about humans, war, fighting, walking in agressive ways, etc. so we would walk very weird and just say things like "human sound" "very normal" "normal people" "war, fighting" "human human human human" or something like that, kind of being the aliens who pretend to be human and are convincing but act it through way to far. the ways humans react is amazing since they often don't dare to react properly so you see it in their face and behaviour and such.
so actually it is no longer needing to mask by just using intentionally overly extreme masking where it is more a joke of game to have fun, so you will have fun and do what you feel like which is making that act even more absurd.
I’m so good at masking that I used to answer survey and personality quizzes with the masked socially accepted answer instead of telling my autistic truth. It feels so freeing to now just answer these things with my true authentic neurospicy self. Lol.
I couldn't agree more with everything you're saying in this video - thank you so much for shining your fabulously quirky and intelligent charm to these videos as well. I dig it 🤘
I act happy but am devastated inside by anxiety.
I try to fit in, even if I don't understand. It exhausts me quite a bit.
Literally started sweating balls when you did that at 22:35 ... I think when people get over certain aspects of things and talk to me or see me they are really ... They make me do that. Like probably anyone who does i my body just gets totally sweaty
Where did you go?
Are you going to come back and make more videos?
Some of us on the spectrum are extremely sensitive to sound quality. Please consider getting a decent microphone and covering large flat surfaces with sound damping material. TIA for your consideration.
great video! i've always thought my masking is perfect until people around me started asking questions or just straight up mocking my fidgeting/stims. never ever been diagnosed with autism and i dont think i want to, at least not really. but if you dont have an official diagnosis, people don't believe because "you're not autistic enough" (whatever that means)
the world we live in, huh /sad
I think I commented on another segment on this channel.
I was enamored with music. I watched seasoned touring pros work an audience with their music, and with witty repartee between tunes. I wanted to do this.
I first had to get comfortable just being on stage, and playing my instrument... Eventualy I tried copying the material of my heroes.... It worked.
Eventually, I wore the figurative mask, looking people in the eye, being self-confident, strong body language. When working, I'd behave this way until I got in my car to go home.
Now, I can turn it on and off depending on the situation... but when home, alone, I'm back to good ol me.... i love solitude... but also enjoy wearing the mask.
I'm old now, and am beginning to be mindful of assertive male behavior... I've things to get done and it involves being in control of situations that will advance my life. I am amazed that people respond to me after years of being a scared wallflower. Then, I figured out that this is how the world really operates...imagine that.
I find it sad that there are not really any autistic creators that are level 2 and 3 on here. Things like being able to mask is a privilege not all of us have. Regardless, you are amazing level one representation and I love your channel so far
NB separate comment, was this a backup camera? My autie AV tech side is coming out and yelling that this seems extremely Mini-DV-cam on the quality front, for various reasons that would be tedious (for everyone reading) to explain. Or in other words a tech that was already spiralling down the plughole fifteen years ago... Seems rather odd to be using that instead of a HD handycam that records to memory card, or a DSLR, or just a phone, all of which would give a much higher grade of video and audio...
It's still perfectly watchable, but the lower resolution and the background noise that I've become less accustomed to over the last decade sort of stood out in a way that caused my senses to interfere with paying attention at first ;)
How can I know if I'm neurodivergent? I just discovered this channel and relate to some of the things described, but it can't be trustworthy to self-diagnose, right?
Your videos are AMAZING. So helpful 😍
Do you find inner conflict when working with professionals how lack in autism training, but compensate with aggressive behaviour?
Abuse of the autistic is common - especially within health care, possibly due to the higher stakes involved.
I find it so very difficult to see a GP even for pneumonia, that I try to solve anything with the aid of dr Google first.
I would like to change this. I know my story is just a drop in our ND river. I'm not blaiming you - the complete stranger. But it would be interesting to hear you adress this.
Cheers!
i can't recall any particular instance, or thing i do, all i know is that i'm always nervous around (new) people because i feel i need to appear normal and not anxious. and since i don't know many people, 99% of the people in my life are new and never become 'not new'
Autistic Unmasking is actually scary, based on the consequences of being socially bullied and/or accepted by everyone. Being rejected or abandoned because of your identity is NOT fun, and mainly the reason for Masking I think. Tool for survival🤷♂️
WOW😔The concept/need of Belonging and Acceptance is GREATLY underestimated.
I completely relate to having learned to be personable. I work in mental health and can be very personable and attune to others well. It's not fake but I had to learn it. It's more around peers I don't know very well where I have a total mask.
Coming out as bi later in life has been very similar to my current neurodivergent unmasking.
Love your sense of humor 😂
I can't even tell if I'm masking anymore.
You're a lot like me brah. Thanks for the vid!
I think that the higher trait openness, and the higher the IQ, the better the masking ( in general ). I'd be curious as to others opinions on that!
I think so too.. it does take quite a lot to be good at masking.
But also I think it has to do something with conditioning as well as anxiety.
Perhaps higher EQ instead of higher IQ. It also helps if you have someone teaching you the basic stuff.
@@LukeSumIpsePatremTe I'm not down with EQ. It seems to be a sub for agreeableness. Social skill is real of course ( charisma et al ).
Hello! I love your videos. I wonder if you have an opinion on Gabor Mate's view on ADHD and if you could share your thoughts, as it's been puzzling me for a while. All the best!!
8 months since you last posted a video. I hope you are okay. I would love you to make a video about the high correlation between autism and gender dysphoria. Trying not to be transgender is like masking.
Met with a very old friend yesterday. “You’re always searching.” “You have a way of doing things that isn’t typical. It is interesting.” I still do feel a bit defined though.
“You make good sandwiches” Jesus that one hit hard
Thank you for the great content !❤
Dr, @neurodivergentdoctor, I don't see the video that you mentioned, the one on how autism looks in different life stages. I'd like to watch it.
My entire life I’ve called myself a chameleon. I had no idea I was AuDHD. Now it all makes sense. Now, to figure out who I am without masking 🤔
THIS is great! LOL, thank you, Dr.