Life-Changing Announcement and All the Feels: Becoming a Mom with ADHD
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 6 ноя 2023
- I've been waiting a long time to be able to share this news. I'm gonna be a mom!! I will take all the tips, this is a new level of challenge and I'm heckin nervous...
Support us on Patreon: / howtoadhd
Buy my book!! howtoadhdbook.com
Check out our website: howtoadhd.com
Follow us on all the things:
Twitter: / howtoadhd
TikTok: / howtoadhd
Instagram: / howtoadhd
Facebook: / howtoadhd
Our Merch Shop: shop.howtoadhd.com
Need translation? Learn how to turn on auto-translated captions here: docs.google.com/document/d/15...
I'm really excited to be able to share this news with all of you
As a mom with ADHD, anxiety, and depression (considered in remission currently), as well as someone who grew up with some serious trauma (c-ptsd now), my biggest tip is being patient and gracious with yourself, your new little one, and your partner. Also, when I start getting overwhelmed/frustrated, I tell myself, this is a brand new human, this could be the literal worst moment of their life or this is something that's still new for them. Especially when you're tired. Just remind yourself, this is a new little being. This has helped me immensely!
A lot of tools I use as an adhd-er looking after (likely undiagnosed) kids come from conscious discipline. I especially love their approach to conflict resolution.
Congratulations! While I am writing this, my little boy is sitting next to me on the floor playing, being the most wonderful human being I could ever imagine. Children are a treasure! It is very hard when you have sensory issues like a lot of us have, but being a mom is amazing!
Congratulations!! Being a Momma is the absolute best ❤️
Having a partner that is present to support you is the most important part. My daughter and I were recently diagnosed with ADHD. As she grew things became more and more challenging for both of us. Having someone that doesn't lose their minds in stressful situations (or over nothing, let's be honest) is indeed the way to go. When my wife can't handle it anymore I take over and the inverse as well.
The fact that I still struggle with impulsivity is a huge hinderance in my relationships. I'm still adjusting to everything and realising the mistakes that I've made. My partner is the reason we are in such a good place right now.
Hey, folks! Jessica's partner here. I don't often leave comments (though I do often read them), but I wanted to say thank you for all the helpful tips and all the congratulations, well-wishes, and encouragement. She often talks about how amazing and supportive the How to ADHD community is, and she's so right! You're all amazing! Thank you!
Congrats! I am so excited for you both. I remember begrudgingly agreeing to have a kid with my wife. I was so worried I’d screw it up. Long story short, I love being a dad! My kids are absolutely the best! The one and only secret to being a good parent… Show up, and love the crap out of your kids… That’s it! It’s tough sometimes, but it’s also a blast! Good luck to you both! 🎉🎉🎉
Congratulations!!!!
Congratulations!!!! ❤
Congrats!!!
Congratulations, Dad-to-be!
This internet stranger does not know either of you, but I bet you'll both make fabulous parents. The only things a kid really needs is love, patience, and understanding, outside physical needs like food/clothing/shelter.
You both will mess up, or lose your cool, or make poor decisions sometimes. That is okay, as the kid you're raising won't be perfect either. When you forget something or yell at them, just model appropriate apologizing and move on.
Trust your instincts. If baby has a fever and you're worried, call the nurse help line. If toddler isn't talking, by all means, see if they need speech therapy. If middle schooler comes home extra moody, probe gently for a fall-out from friends or bullying.
Go easy on yourselves, especially in those first few months. Realistically, you're in survival mode. You may need to outsource help to eat meals or tidy the household, and that's okay. You may be exhausted because child has "days and nights" backwards. Who knows.
Having a baby can be isolating. Rely on communication with each other, and your social safety net (friends/family). But others have gone before you and survived and you can too. You got this.
Good luck. Your neurodivergency is not necessarily a stumbling block to being a great parent. You will figure out how to balance everyone's unique needs within your family. Do what feels right for you, and ignore what others say or do. Really, trust your instincts. You got this.
I'm an ADHD Mom with two ADHD (now grown) kids. My advice? 1) Less is more -- don't buy everything out there. It's overwhelming. 2) Try to get the baby on a schedule, and maintain routines as much as possible. 3) And be kind with yourself. We work twice as hard as neurotypical people, so we deserve a trophy just for showing up. Best wishes!
This ADHDad wholeheartedly endorses everything you wrote here.
Absolutely try to minimize the stuff that comes in the door and set up some kind of staging area for kid related stuff. Ask people not to give physical gifts you have to keep track of! (Except maybe socks, they fall off without us noticing.
Yes and the schedule was actually more for me than the child. It helped me with my responsibilities.
Thank you
And don't let other people shame you for being "too strict" about your schedule. I had a lot of criticism at the beginning for being so rigid about my child's sleep times and needs. But getting them to sleep is such a huge deal each time and the routine helped so much with that, which is one of the early signs of neurodivergence I found out. They're still not out of nap time phase yet, so I have a little while to go yet, but people have finally stopped criticising me for being rigid about their sleep times at least 😊
Congratulations!!’
Mom with ADHD and Anxiety here, my best tip is to NOT read any of the mom magazines, they are full of drama stories that you don’t need! Also DON’T google your symptoms, talk about them with your OB-GYN, pregnancy look and feels different for everyone, don’t let your anxiety take away your enjoyment of it! ❤
THIS, so much this! DO NOT GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. DO. NOT. (ADHD/Anxiety mom with 3 neurodiverse adult "kids").
This ^^^ So very true!
Thank you for telling her this-it's so true!
I started out reading those, and the books, and got so knotted up in being the "perfect parent". Then somewhere I read that the best thing to do is parent to your own individual child. I canceled my subscriptions to the magazines, threw out the books and followed that advice, and am now the mom of the most amazing 30-year-old man who I couldn't be more proud of. He is totally himself, and often thanks us for letting him explore those things he was interested in as he was growing up, until he found The Thing that settled in his mind, heart and soul as His Thing. There's no harm in getting parenting tips, but remembering that your child is an individual and may not fit those tips is key to lower-stress (ha! notice I did not say "stress-free") parenting.
With my first pregnancy, Before Google, I went to the library, sat on the floor in the book aisle & read a midwivery book! It covered everything! Talk about overwhelmed! And I didn't know I had ADHD yet lol.
As a parent with ADHD who raised two ADHD kids (now in their 20s, living independently), my best tip is always to be aware of the difference between a misfortune and a calamity. Our job as parents is not to protect kids from any bad things that could happen to them. Our job is to make sure nothing really horrible happens and that they learn from the heartbreaks and setbacks that life deals them. Good luck, Jessica. You will make a great parent.
As someone getting diagnosed as an adult. I think you’re right 😊
This is something my therapist has been trying to tell me, but laid out in a way that I think finally got through my thick skull
Yes, 100% - I have a 15-year old son and we have always thought of ourselves as a safety net; we never stopped him from trying new things and taking risks, we just made sure we were there if he needed us. It means that he knows his limits; he's independent, but he's also not scared of asking for help (from us or from others) when he needs it. On that note, the best hobby he ever took up was parkour; it taught the kids how to fail safely, gave them the physical strength to catch themselves when they fell, and it taught them how to build up to the scary stuff.
As someone with no diagnosis, I still think this is sound advice.
OMG best advice ever! ❤
It's early to be thinking about this, but as someone with ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, and Depression, I feel comfortable telling you this: If you struggle getting your child to talk to you in the toddler years, trying singing your questions to them instead of saying them! This got me to open up phenomenally as a child, and I still love singing to this day.
I'm a brain, and I have a toddler who is already showing signs that she is ND as well. I second this! There was a meltdown situation, and I started singing to her instead of talking, and she stopped her vocal outbursts to listen, and it helped to calm her. I struggle hard with my own emotional regulation because not only do I have a toddler, but I also own a brick-and-mortar retail shop and have two young adult children as well. So Jessica, that mantra you just shared will come in handy because we'll have plenty of our own meltdown moments, too. ❤❤ Even I forgot about this event until I just read this comment. I need to keep this one forefront more.
I have been doing this with my baby since she was about 3 months. Singing songs and happy voices tend to reduce the outbursts during diaper and clothes changes.
that is amazing advice. (I'm gonna be fostering once I'm in a place to do so and my audhd wants me prepared for ND kids)
I never realized other people did this. My daughter and I both with autism and adhd would sing back and forth when things were stressful or when trying to get unpleasant jobs done
Great tip and you reminded me of the time I did this with my daughter during her meltdown and you’re right it was very helpful. Definitely making a note to add this to my more regular toolkit.
Does this mean we'll get more ADHD + Parenting videos?! Because as a parent with ADHD, I would totally be down for that. 👀
Yes!!! Same 😊❤
She now has 20-some more years of new content!
Also what I was thinking and hoping!! 😃
Omg me to!!!! I battle so much!
I came here to say this! My son and I were both just diagnosed.
Here’s my quick reassurance to you about the “baby project”: it’s SO special that you end up hyper-focusing a lot! Also: they keep changing and changing, so it’s never “boring”. Actually, being bored sometimes seems rather appealing! Hugs to you!!! I have 2 kids and only “figured out” I have ADHD when they were 5 & 10! They are 7 & 12 now, and I am 47. You can do this!
Yes, there's never boredom. 😅 I love it, but some boredom would be nice.
Congrats! I have two thoughts. 1) Easy is not the same as lazy. 2) Prioritizing your connection with your child and being willing to apologize and repair when your connection has been damaged are the most impactful things you can do for your child.
You're going to do great!
Congratulations! Fear not, kids are too chaotic to be boring. 😉 The two of you will do so well.
That's my hope! lol
You are a shepard, not an engineer. Love them, and keep them alive and they will grow into an amazing human.
Too true!! Boring this really isn’t 🤣
This!! Also up until about 3 or 4, as soon as you get used to one phase they're in, they switch to a new one!
I was literally coming here to say this comment too! 😂😂 They are far too unpredictable and whirlwinds to be boring.
Your child will have two parents who understand struggles they may have- they can’t ask for anything more ❤ It’s made my struggles worth it because I can relate to my kids’ challenges. The biggest thing is to love them- you’ve got this!
This is so true! I think I am much more patient and compassionate towards my kids when they struggle because I completely understand where they're coming from.
Yes yes yes! I was undiagnosed as a child and it was really hard because my parents didn’t understand how to parent me. It caused a lot of shame and anxiety. I think I’m doing better with my own adhd kiddo and giving him the tools and compassion I never got 😊
My best advice is to listen to your child’s needs, they won’t always “go by the book.”
Also, this baby is incredibly blessed because she has parents who have EMPATHY and compassion. Y’all are gonna do great 😊
Agree!
I agree 100% the first thing my midwife said when I was home from the hospital was trust your instincts ❤
@@sarahroberts7374 they didn't told me. But I did trust my instincts. And at some points I doubted my insticts but with some lovely people around me I know it's right!
43 year old dad here who was only diagnosed 16 months ago with ADHD. I went from being a full time truck driver to being a stay at home dad to a 7 month old daughter while my wife does student-teaching. My biggest piece of advice is try not to stress yourself out if you’re not as productive as you’d like to be. Most days I’m lucky to be able to get one or two household chores done depending on how distracting my daughter is. Some days I get absolutely nothing done, embrace those days instead of shaming yourself.
"I kept my child alive, warm and fed today" is sometimes enough. Anything more than that (from either of you) is exceeding expectations.
I saw a shirt that said “I kept a tiny human alive today”. Puts it in perspective.
And I bet you spend a lot of time playing with your little one.
@@TiredBodyWiredMind This. What matters? Get to anything else when you get to it (even if that's never).
I became an ADHD parent five months ago and have 3 weeks of paternity leave left.
First thing: you will rise to the occasion.
Second thing: timers are your friend, even if just to remind you where you are in the baby’s cycle.
Third thing: prepare to ask for help. We got a recommendation to make a check list and put it on our fridge of tasks we wanted people to do so that we didn’t have to think when we were asked “how can we help”?
Oh my gosh, yes, I set so many phone timers for sleeping/eating in the newborn phase!
What do you mean by “where you are in the baby’s cycle”?
Making that check list is such a great idea!! It really is hard to think of what you need help with on the spot, especially while overwhelmed… wish I’d been more prepared when my kids were born! 😅 (they 16 & 15 now & literally the best, most hilarious & sweet young men ❤❤ despite my best efforts 🤗)
Probably: Eat, activity, sleep, “you”. The EASY way of organizing your day with an infant. Sleep duration is unpredictable in newborns, but once they’re awake, they’re probably hungry, you can do one little activity together, then it’s time for another nap (and you get some “you” time hopefully while they sleep). “Wake windows” are a thing you can time, which lengthen just a little each week, and having something for tracking that which is not your own brain 24 hours a day is a great idea.
Um, @photographybya7602 for the above.
As a late-diagnosis AuDHDer, one of the things that I hate about a lot of the "advice" out there is that it seems very geared towards the parents of neurodivergent children, and about how to make those children less inconvenient to the parent. As in, most of it is about how to "manage" them and get them to do what you want/ need them to do, rather than teaching them how to learn to understand and work with their brains. Your channel is amazing, and you're already helping to raise SO many children (and adults) to understand and care for themselves. Congratulations- you've got this x
As a mom with ADHD, a lot of people will tell you that parenting is the sole responsibility of you and your partner. That's nonsense. You're going to need help, so hire some. When I was in university, I had a nanny (that my family helped me pay for) and now that I'm financially stable, I have a cleaning lady that comes by twice a week. You deserve whatever kind of help you need, and your child deserves to have parents who are fully present, not exhausted or stressed out.
Good luck! You're going to be a great mom.
AudiHD single parent here: "the project" will change so frequently and unexpectedly that you will NOT get bored of it. Times will get tough, though; know your support systems. I'm a pretty lucky guy to have my family and the kids' mom's family to lean on. You two have each other and your amazing community. I'm so happy for you three! This kid hit the parent jackpot!
Congrats! This puts the last videos’ ADHD-friendly family house tour in perspective. From birthing a book to birthing a baby, quite the adventure. You got this! For the rest of your life, even…
Yep it's been quite a ride :) Just hope I'm up for the challenge!
@@HowtoADHD You are totally up for the challenge. You will also doubt yourself repeatedly, and that’s totally okay and normal. ❤
Congratulations Jessica! I’m an ADHD dad, and while parenthood with ADHD/ADD has its challenges, I know you will be great. Just remember that parenting is mostly just about being there and having your kids know that they are always supported and loved.
I was am ADHD child and definitely not a parent yet, but my greatest advice I always give .....is actually something my Mom taught me: whenever I was particularly roudy and everyone else and their mother would tell my Mom to punish me for "bad behavior" she never would...... instead she would stop whatever she was doing....come down to my eye level, making eye contact, and explain to me in words I understood how my behavior was wrong and/ or hurtful to other people. That simple act of gently holding eye contact and gently explaining my actions as being hurtful to others sincerely helped me out a lot in paying attention to her and her alone whenever she spoke to me. I know this isn't much of terms of advice because I definitely know you already advocate for not automatic punishment as well as taking our times to learn individually, but it's always my advice when it comes to helping out a parent with a child with ADHD
Congratulations! As a mom with ADHD (my daughter is 10 and exhibits some ADHD traits but hasn't been formally diagnosed yet), here are my tips: 1) Don't worry about being bored long-term. There is something new and fun at every age of development, and it's fascinating to watch them grow. 2) In the early days, prioritize sleep. Which is tough with a newborn, but my ADHD is a lot worse when I don't get enough sleep, so whatever you can do to get a few extra zzz's will be worth it. Let things go and ask for help. 3) It's ok if short term things are boring. I remember playing with my daughter on the floor when she was a very small, pre-verbal toddler, was really boring for me, and I had to remind myself it was ok to take breaks, and also that this stage will not last forever. 4.) Google calendar is your friend. Literally EVERYTHING I do, including hangouts with friends, appts for my daughter, playdates for my daughter, goes into my google calendar. I couldn't manage otherwise. 5.) Remember to tag-team when you need a breather during challenging child behavior. It's ok to prioritize taking a 5-10 minute break to breathe and calm down if you need to. 6.) When you make mistakes (as every parent does), model how to apologize and ask for forgiveness to your child. "Mommy yelled at you when you were crying. I am sorry for doing that. I wish I had been able to do better. I love you."
OMG I'm a mother (with ADHD) of a 16 year old (Also has ADHD) and a 14 year old. I wholeheartedly identify with this list of suggestions (it's weirdly eerie honestly) - great advice that I've personally also lived and back up!
Love this!!!! So true!!! Sleep is also a big thing for me, my fuse with my patience is hugely affected by sleep!!
The power of apologising to your child is under-appreciated, I think. I notice it helping them immediately, and how quickly they model it back.
I LOVE when parents apologize to their kids.
I know that getting unsolicited advice can be challenging for moms, but I think this advice is very personalized, thoughtful and likely to be appreciated, especially since it’s based on your personal experience and a shared challenge. ❤
Not a parent but a teacher with ADHD, and honestly, the ADHD makes you feel so much responsibility to do good by them. I notice things NTs don't, and I genuinely care so much that it's almost debilitating to myself. You're going to be amazing!! Congrats!!!
that's so relatable and true! (another teacher with adhd/add) it's funny how empathy and personal experiences open our eyes to our communities and help us help those kids.
I was a college lecturer before I knew I had ADHD and yeah... I saw kids with ASD and ADHD struggling with things I found so relatable, things I worked so hard to fix that I burned out and left education. ADHD sometimes makes it so easy to see the problems and impossible not to care.
Youre great teachers and as a adhd mom with adhd 1st grader I appreciate that teachers care and relate to my son🙏❤
I know several adhd moms who are completely broken in their 40s. I really hope Jessica has a better outcome than what I have seen in others.
@@NiaLaLa_V Those moms in their 40s with ADHD and burnout likely were diagnosed late and/or misdiagnosed. They didn't have the helps available that are present now.
My husband and I both have adhd, and so far 2 out our 3 kids also have adhd. My advise is don't be afraid to ask for extra help if you need it. Babies and toddlers are hard, It is ok to take a break when your overwhelmed.
I found out that I’m ADHD while seeking my kid’s diagnosis. You are ahead of the game by knowing your diagnosis ahead of time and having the wealth of knowledge you have! If I may give a bit of advice as a fellow neurospicy parent: give yourself grace and space to decompress as much as you can. Schedule time for yourself to recharge if you need it!
From a house of neurodivergent parents and 2 boys. We came to think our boys were normal, cause they are like my wife and I. The difficulty really appears when your child meets the rest of the world and starts wondering why the others are so different. Our youngest would ask why other people had such difficulty understanding him. We are really happy for you, and wish you the best.
Oh yes... Half the reason I realised I might have ADHD was teaching students with ADHD and realising that what I considered normal applied to a very specific sub-set of my students.
I can relate! It's easy to be a neurodivergent parent to a neurodivergent kid. It's hard to live through the same familiar "why do people have such weird expectations" phases again with them. It helps that we know what our parents didn't know.
While I don't have ADHD, as a grandma, my advice is to always, always trust your gut/instinct rather than believe anything anyone tells you to do about your child, even if a medical or educational professional. Listen, yes of course, but don't let anyone pressure you into decisions or actions that violate your instincts as to what is best for you, your baby and partner. Congratulations! You are going to be an amazing mom!
THIS 👍🏻
I've said the same thing phrased a little different. You are the leading expert in your children. Every expert will find an answer based on what they are an expert in. Doctors of medicine always find medicine answers, Engineers find engineering answers, Nutritionists will find nutrition answers. Follow your gut, get the experts advice, but in the end you will know what is best and when to pivot for your child.
SO true! Well said!
Congratulations Jessica!! ADHD mom of six kids here. I parented all my kids before I knew I had ADHD. They turned out well, with five out of college now and doing well. The advice on your channel works for life, but also for raising kids, so you already KNOW how to do this. I have strengths from my ADHD that helped me parent as well as weaknesses, so here are my favorite things about being an ADHD mom. 1. I was a great teenager parent because I was always interested in whatever they were interested in. They loved my sense of adventure and fun! We leaned in to everything from football to camping to Irish dance depending on the kid, and I learned all about all of it (thank you hyperfocus). I could mostly track with several kiddos at once since my focus was on everything all at once. Sure, it wasn't deep concentration, but I knew when they were pulling the toilet paper off the roll. Finally, I have a lot of empathy which made them happier kids. Have fun and enjoy the ride! It's almost over for me and I have no regrets! You'll do great!
Congratulations!! Me and my daughter saw the title and were squealing with joy. You are going to make an excellent mom. We know it!!!
Right? Me, too! I have been hoping she would get to be a mom so much, because I know how much perspective she will gain. She will be great, and I think she has the right partner this time, too!
IM ALSO SO EXCITED FOR THE “parenting while having ADHD yourself” or “tips for parents who have ADHD” videos!!! There’s such a gap in information and support for PARENTS who have autistic/adhd who also have ND kids
Definately! Search results for "parents with ADHD" on google are 90% about kids with ADHD.
Congrats! As a 47 yr old who was JUST diagnosed and raised 2 amazing kids, one with autism, you will absolutely nail this! It's chaotic, exhausting, messy, depleting, thankless, and all the stuff you have been told. But it's also been the absolute best experience of my life that I can't imagine having missed! 😊 You are gonna be great!
Parenting is pretty awesome for an ADHD brain. Because as soon as you start getting bored of a phase, the phase changes.
But also, just as you find a rhythm, the rhythm changes. Sooooo it's fun and a challenge
Hi I’m a neurotypical mum of 2 neurodivergent teenage daughters. They have both (and me) have learnt sooooo much about themselves and how to advocate for themselves from your videos!!!! Seriously- without your story my girls would not have grown so much! So you are the the MOST qualified person (and your partner of course ) to be this little one’s mum!
I have 6 kids in 6 years (on purpose) including triplets. I have adhd and anxiety. Half my kids do too. And the benefit is that you know how to recognize it and help them get the tools and help early on so they have the best experience. Your experience will improve their experience. You are a gift to this child as much as they are for you.
You’ve got this! There is a community here to support you as well.
Triplets!! Oh my gosh! If you can manage 6 kids in 6 years there's hope for me yet :D Thanks for sharing this.
I wanted twins so bad 🥲 you’re goals ❤
I always thought that ADHD makes me a worse mom of a baby, but the more my son grows I see that I can use my neurodivergent experience to set the path for him.
He doesn’t have to feel like a fish climbing a tree because I’ll show him the ocean and teach him how to swim.
I have twins. I will never understand why people say they wanted twins. It is so hard. Not twice as hard, more like 4x harder. I can't even imagine having triplets.@@alejandraibarracerda9249
@@alejandraibarracerda9249Omg that last metaphor just...wrecked me. Looking back that's really everything I wanted as a child. 😭
@alejandraibarracerda9249 Great way to think of it!! And actually true as well. ❤😊
As someone who raised four kids (three with ADHD), I have to tell you that you will never get bored. Children grow and change (some would say too fast) and I honestly really loved experiencing each new stage of their life with them. Raising children is not a typical project because it's always evolving-.
Honestly, I felt like I was *better* at sticking to routines when I had kids--because they helped me maintain my routines! It's been more of a struggle since my kids grew up.
Exactly. You'll never get bored. Challenges will change every year or so :)
came to say exactly this! 100% agree.
I don't know about *never* getting bored. There will be the day when you have watched the same Disney movie (for us, it was Cars) three times in a row and they want to watch it again. There will be the days when ASD special interest meets ADHD hyper-focus and you learn more about Minecraft or a specific boy-band than you ever expected. It's just that they're over so fast that you're playing catch-up more often than you're bored.
@@TiredBodyWiredMind I don't know why but my two boys never wanted to rewatch a movie. My biggest problem is when my inattentive ADD daydreamer boy meets my ADHD gogogo behaviour :)
In some ways, having kids and having ADHD work well together - they change before you get bored. Only like a project for 1-6 months? No problem because your kids naturally give you new projects to hyperfocus on at least that often. I will admit though, I did get bored with 1st baby in the early months occasionally. Find other people to be around with your baby so it's not just you. Help is especially important in the early months. For me, with the 2nd baby, I had more mom friends and we went to the park so the toddlers could play. So, if you do get bored with baby, don't worry, it gets better quickly. Ask for help!
The one thing about parenthood that your ADHD brain will thrive in is the fact that it is an ever changing and learning experience. There is always something new and fascinating happening. ❤
Congratulations!!!
Start watching your video years ago, helped me so much and it's so amazing to see you reach this point.
That's a lot of work and will be very challenging, but I believe you and your partner are going to do so well!
Congrats!!!
You got this. ADHD mom just brought my newly 18 year old firstborn to vote today. We have a happy, safe, fun and loving family. You are s blessing. Lucky kid!
congrats!
We did that yesterday too! The polling staff saved my (ADHD) butt trying to vote with a 2.5 year old (ADHD) and 10 month old in tow lol.
OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!! ::wild pterodactyl screeching::
I am an ADHD/autistic mom with a severely ADHD child and have been since the beginning (told him I was prego and he wanted nothing to do with it) so figuring out how to do it myself has been a NIGHTMARE. My daughter is now 12 so if there is anything you want to know, just ask. Wish there was a way to message directly and I can give tips if I can remember what I did at X point in her development =) ❤☀️ And remember: YOU GOT THIS, MAMA 💪
Oh my gosh you had to figure it out on your own!! I'm so sorry it went that way for you and your daughter is so lucky to have you.
Congratulations! So exciting!
My Mom was a single mom when I was...eh, about 6-8? A few years, and early on. 1) She did AMAZINGLY. 2) She had so much help from the people around her, I (for the most-ish part) didn't even know we were poor....so....it's NOT ideal, but it can be done....and I'm sure you're doing amazing too, AuDHD mama. ❤❤❤
Congratulations! The good news is that the challenges of parenthood are constantly shifting and evolving (in my limited 3 years of experience), perfectly suited for the ADHD brain. I also thought really hard about having a kid, though I didn’t realize I was ADHD until after giving birth and my ability to focus on anything that wasn’t my baby evaporated. Now I’m considering really carefully about having another, and realizing my executive function limitations might make multiple kids far more of a challenge for me than for neurotypical folks. It’s such a wild ride but it’s also mind-blowing and heart-expanding in the most amazing ways.
Congratulations! As an ADD mom with a neurodiverse son and another kiddo on the way, you can totally do this. Seeing my own childhood in my son has actually been incredibly healing for me-- having compassion and patience for him has drastically increased the compassion and patience i have for myself.
Listen to your gut, and ASK FOR HELP. ASK FOR SO MUCH HELP. NO SHAME ALLOWED.
2:28 being a mom will transform how you view your parents and your traumatic childhood.
I was so damaged and broken from my childhood but having a child made me understand my abuser so much better.
I believe my mother was ADHD and Autistic and overwhelmed and undersupported.
I can see, now, that what looked like abuse from my child-mind at the time now looks very much like a complete melt down.
I have caught myself in the very behaviors I swore I would never repeat (screaming and shouting in fury) and I have felt the rage within me that she never learned to control. Thankfully I had taken the steps to heal before becoming a mother and I was able to control it and not cause the damage that I endured but I definitely understood her in a way I never could have before. I struggled my daughters entire childhood but it allowed me to understand my mother. …..she was nuerodivergent and so were my brother and I and she didn’t have the resources or education or acceptance she needed to overcome and equip herself.
I felt the same about my parents after having kids.
I found out 2 years ago that my dad had Autism. I was recently diagnosed 2 months ago at age 30 almost 31 and he was diagnosed in his 70s and passed away at 77. I have so much sorrow that he didn't have the support he needed and I now understand that his life was so hard and lonely growing up dirt poor and born in a small village with no plumbing in 1945, Mexico. I find myself praying (even though I'm not the religious Catholic girl he raised me to be) that he can hear me tell him that I love him. Even though it was hard growing up with him as a father, I know he did his best with love and providing.
My mom is definitely neurodivergent but also has a BPD so my home situation was pretty bad.
Having kids helped me discriminate the things that were deliberately abusive (verbal abuse and psychological manipulation) from the things that weren’t (being emotionally detached, prioritizing things that didn’t matter, religious obsessions).
That helped me not feel unhealthy shame when I fell into the latter behaviors. Correcting those behaviors in real time (and others that are my own special spiciness!), helped my now adult sons work through their own neurospiciness.
I understand why they made certain choices and behaviour. I don't blame them.
Only thing now is that they think I'm spoiling my baby because I don't want to use cry out method. Even though research shows it has negative effects when they are adult.
If they ask me how I'm doing. We Dutchies give an honest answer. So I told I was tired. And then again I get a rant about co sleeping and picking up the baby when he is crying.
Also my dad gave me the advise if my toddler isn't listening in supermarkt I can tell him I'm leaving without him?! I still know how I felt when I was a kid 😞
I already told them they did what they think was best. And they say I do the same but when they can I get a snarky comment.
I'd say as a parent one of the most important things is support networks. "It takes a village" isn't a saying. Humans aren't built to do this all alone.
You'll be exhausted, physically and emotionally. Make sure to take the time you need to refill your own energy, lean on your connections, relationships, community. Get help wherever you can.
THIS!
The bored project thing: good thing about kids -they change constantly! They learn new things, grow, reach new challenges.
Just when you think you’ve got it down and things sort of go into a lull, they enter puberty 👍
So the ”bored of projects” thing is kind of a non issue really.
Congrats!!!!! I just entered my 2nd trimester on my first pregnancy as well so I'm right there along with ya! Cheers mama!
This is wonderful news!!!! I'm an ADHD mom with an ADHD kiddo and it has been so healing to fall in love with his ADHD brain. both because it's just an absolute joy to be around this little boy but also because it's helped me see the best parts of my ADHD brain too. You are going to be a fantastic mama, you will have so much acceptance and knowledge to share with this little one. Congratulations ❤️
I came here to basically say exactly this. Healing is the word I was looking for and couldn't find. ❤❤❤
Kids are almost always novel, urgent, interesting, and challenging. They're literally a constant stream of ICNU. I have no doubt you'll find your rhythm as a parent, your videos have helped me be a better parent year after year. I'll just leave one small tip, and that is to remember that fun is magic. Even tiny doses of fun can totally change a situation. From diaper changes to school.
*flails with excitement* I'm so happy for the both of you. I have no kids myself, though I've helped take care of lots of them, so mostly I just want to remind you of this: many accommodations for ADHD - that is, making things ADHD-friendly - are naturally _kid_ friendly, so you should have your building blocks down already. Also, even when a kid is well behaved, things never go to plan because kids be kids. Check out Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio Emilia, etc., for gentle rearing/teaching ideas. You and your partner got this.
Congratulations!! I'm also about to have my first baby ❤ looking forward to hearing your journey!
I'm pretty sure you're going to be the kind of mom every child dreams of
Congratulations!
As an ADHD Stay-at-Home Dad (parent at 40), the best advice I can give you is “Don’t panic (or worry)!”
I’m notorious for dropping projects, and I’m sure that’ll come up over time as I raise my wee one, but all the day-to-day functions are surprisingly compatible with ADHD. “Keep baby alive = crisis mode!” As for the long term, I can already recognize that there’s something a bit magical about my relationship with the kiddo, that helps me stick with things for him more than I do when things are for me.
The other shiny beacon is recognizing that my relationship with him is going to change over time, so the projects I do now are different than the ones that are going to happen in a month, a year, or a decade. (Yeah, it’s scary to realize that I’ll be doing this for over a decade, but the things I’ll be doing will be worlds apart from what I’m doing now!)
My biggest struggle is sleepiness (surprise surprise). Whatever it takes to get that rest in, do it! After getting the little man down for his sleep, that’s my me time… and I’m still struggling to use that time for all the me-things what need doing. But for all of his awake time, my brain does a surprisingly good job of focusing on him properly!
(He says, as he finishes the last paragraph ignoring his baby’s “I just woke up” cries…)
Oh man, I want you to be friends with my husband, he's also a SAHD for our 1 year old! There's not nearly enough dad groups out there for men like you but you're also 100% correct, the bond he and my son have is untouched by any other and it is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world!
Totally agree that having ADHD feels like a strength in parenthood in some ways. We are good at problem solving and understand children/thinking differently/being misunderstood. It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life yet!
Congratulations!!!! So happy for you both!
Congratulations!!! 😅😊 good luck, it's a ride! I'm a new parent myself! ☺️ notes and reminders galore!
Congratulations! I didn't expect to get emotional, but I feel so happy for you. The one nice thing about babies is that more often than not, they will let you know in no uncertain terms if they need your attention. Not like my poor zz plant in the corner that I keep forgetting to water...
Haha good point! We'll be in this together...
This is so true! And babies are so good at this, mine never wailed bc I can tell they were hungry and fussy and I learned from them being premie and in the NICU to change their diapers with every feeding so that you don't forget.
ZZ is a quiet plant and rather tolerant of drought, thankfully. If you want some drama plants, look for syngonium (arrowhead plants), heartleaf philodendron, or pothos -- they *let it be known* when they're thirsty 😅 My syngoniums take a bow and say hello to me when I'm a little late with water 😂
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You’re going to be such a good mom 😭
Congratulations! So very happy for you!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You will be amazing as a parent!!
As an Audhd Mom of spicy kids, you NEVER get bored. Overwhelmed? Gosh, yes! But never bored.
hehehe .... yup
I'm referring to my child as a "Spicy Kid" from now on. 😂
Remember: you're not raising a child, you're raising an adult!
I think re-framing it that way really helps to figure out the right path to take.
Definitely! By explaining to my kids about things early, and helping them understand the potential consequences of decisions that they make now, they already are better prepared if something devastating were to happen.
Congrats! I know you and your partner are going to do fine--you both care a lot and want to do your best by your kid, and that's a really great way to start out. My spouse and I both have ADHD, and while he was diagnosed as a kid, I wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago, and our kid is ten now. We're not always great at routines, and our home is usually a bit messier than the average neurotypical home, but our kid is healthy, pretty happy (moods fluctuate as we head into the preteen years), and comes to us regularly with her feelings and problems. So far she seems to be neurotypical, which, as two neurodivergent parents with a lot of ND family members, kind of surprised us. I definitely worry about being a good parent, which I spend time talking with my therapist about. We're usually good enough.
I’m ADHD and 50 with a 16 year old. So I was 34 when he was born. He’s ADHD and dyslexic, turns out I am too.
I often said when he was younger that someone should write a book about parenting a child with ADHD when you have ADHD.
It can be challenging, best thing is to take over for each other when one is tired the other one takes the child. That way the tired parent isn’t trying to parent on an empty tank.
Good luck. Every child is unique. Being a parent is a job that changes with your child’s needs. As a Mom with ADHD my motto was, “Just don’t break her” mentality and physically.
So true ❤
Congratulations! As you said, the job of Mom is constantly changing! So you will not get bored. My advice: 1) Play. Make as much of everything a game as you can. And play to just play. Jump on the trampoline with them. Swim in the pool with them. Run around the park with them. The exercise is good for everyone. 2) Invite them to do things with you. It takes longer to do stuff, but you are spending time with the kids and they are learning how to do the thing. So sometime in the future, they will be able to help! 3) Figure out how to say "yes". Obviously you can't say yes to absolutely everything. But if they ask for a cookie, the answer can be "yes, right after dinner," can we go outside to play "yes, right after we pick up these toys". Can I have a hug? "Yes" It doesn't matter what you are doing, stop and give them a hug. This keeps you from constantly fighting with them saying no, you can't have a cookie, no, you can't go outside... AND as an added bonus, gives them motivation to do the thing. They will pick up their toys so they can go outside.
Thank you for your channel! Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If your kid is alive at the end of the day, you win!
You sound like an amazing mom! Hug those kids for me please.
That is great advice! Your comment needs more 👍!
YAY!!! Best of luck Jessica, you'll do great.
Congratulations!!!!
ADHD parent with an ADHD kid here and let me congratulate you from the bottom of my heart. Yes, it’s hard, but it is also more beautiful than anything you’ve ever known. I wouldn’t trade raising my three daughters for any other thing I could have done with my life. It has NEVER been boring!!
You’ll be a fabulous mom!! ♥️♥️♥️
I'm a traumatized autistic ADHD mom to a toddler, so everything you are saying rings so true for me. Thank you for sharing these challenges, fears, and wonderful thoughts.
I'm an AuDHD mom of a 3 month old and feeling terrified and overwhelmed. I'm glad I have your channel to look to for support and advice, and I look forward to sharing in your journey from a distance.
"Adequate! Adequate!" I needed that today.
Congrats you two! By thinking ahead you're already ahead of most of us who had to deal with it on our own. My biggest struggle was being flexible in each stage. When they are infants they will shift so quickly from stage to stage so just rolling with it will give you less anxiety. The scaffolding is in place, just listening to your body and mind will be super important, and the rest will follow.
I'm a 45 year old parent who decided at 39 to have our first/only kiddo. I'm on your Discord and would be happy to talk about my experience as a parent with ADHD, Autism, and Dysgraphia of a kiddo with ADHD. The feelings you talk about going through at the beginning of this video resonate pretty hard with me so my experience might be helpful. ❤ Congratulations and I have no doubt you're going to be a great mom.
Never heard of dysgraphia before! Looked it up and looks a lot like my husbands symptoms.. Don't know what to do with it tho, but nice to know. He also has severe adhd.
My son has been diagnosed with Dysgraphia, Autism and ADHD. It's helpful to hear someone else mention Dysgraphia since we hardly ever hear of it. We're in a "discussion" with our school system since they refuse to acknowledge it in his IEP.
I have 3 kiddos I had my last at 44 it’s hard as any older mom I feel my like my ADHD was more of a challenge especially when I was nursing and couldn’t be on meds. Idk if that’s just my experience tho.
@@WhoAmI2YouNowI never heard of it either! After looking it up it’s not a problem I have but…one characteristic is mixing cursive and print letters. I have always done this and think it’s just my creative or artistic side manifesting. Interesting reading.
I’m AuDHD and currently trying to become pregnant, me and my partner are pretty confident that we’ll be great parents but we’re still scared that we’ll mess things up. But we’re super excited, and I’m so so excited for you and your partner!! Congrats, and you’ve absolutely got this!! You’ll be an amazing mom!!!
Pardon me but I just want to say I love your username😄
Congrats!!
You’ll never be bored. Constantly new adventures and new challenges ♥️♥️ Honestly having a child with similar challenges to you is definitely more difficult but such a gift for that child because you understand them. Especially with parents so educated on those subject areas. Congratulations on this next chapter! ♥️
Congratulations! I’m an ADHD-er who’s several weeks behind you at this, after a long infertility journey. Absolutely terrified but thrilled. So happy for you ❤
You're gonna be a great mom 😄 Being a parent with ADHD takes a lot of effort, bit we make wonderful playful emotionally supportive parents. And the fact that you have a supportive ND partner is great. Congratulations!
Being a Mom with ADHD can be a super power. We notice so many things that others might miss, and we have a great understanding of mental health and the importance of emotional literacy. Huge congrats, Hun! Enjoy every second of what comes next.
Congratulations! So happy for you guys. My two buddies are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Cherish every minute!
Omg congrats! I raised all of my kids before even being diagnosed. You got this!
And now WE are here to help, guide and support you BACK! You've given us so much knowledge and now the community of ADHD parents here can help you!
I am truly so excited for you. Many blessings for you both. You can do this.
Congratulations Jess! This is so exciting!
Congratulations ❤
Congrats! One tip as an ADHD mom to two ADHD kids: create a safe space for kiddos to explore while you take those 5-10 minute minibreaks. Go crazy with the childproofing and be prepared to upgrade the level of childproofing as needed. So excited for you both.
CONGRATULATIONS ive been following you since i got my diagnosis 6 years ago! Thank you for everything youve done for me and i am SO EXCITED FOR YOU
(Also first comment 🙃)
Eee thank you!!! Quite a journey we've been on, eh?
Letting go of nonessential expectations (focusing more on just what's important for health and safety), giving reasons for rules to your child, and taking time for yourself regularly so you can keep being the parent you want to be--- these are some things that have helped me. So excited for you guys! Congratulations!
Congratulations!!! I raised my three with undiagnosed ADHD and I was a great mom as I educated myself on their developmental stages. It was a game changer!! You can do this! You get to make better decisions than you experienced and continue the healthy and helpful things you also experienced! You got this!!
I have never clicked on a video so fast, congratulations 😊
It's great that you're being thoughtful about raising a child as neurodivergent people, with the possibility of your child also being neurodivergent. That's more thought than a lot in the previous generation put into raising us. They only had kids because "that's what you do" 🙄 You're off to a great start already 😂
ADHD mama to an ADHD kiddo here. You're going to be incredible. Your little team is going to do so great.
Just echoing the support here. You've got this!
Congrats Jessica!
Mama of 4 with ADD here! I won't say it's easy, but it is worth it!! Congratulations!!
Congratulations! Over here crying because the timing could not be more cosmic for me. I am 6 months pregnant with ADHD (late diagnosis) and I have been struggling so much because there seems to be absolutely NO helpful, non-ableist resources or advice about this. I am so excited to see any and all content you make about this moving forward!! ❤
Congratulations!!! ADHD mom here. “ADEQUATE” is the perfect mantra for your upcoming journey! As a fellow perfectionist, it’s SO HARD to let go of that, especially when raising a child is new, messy, uncharted territory. However, I found there’s overlap in navigating society as someone with ADHD and caring for your offspring - you learn how to prioritize, make plans, and focus on creating an environment where you (and your child) can flourish. And it sounds like you and your partner have a wonderful support system! Family, friends, health care professionals - you have everything you need. You can do this ❤🙌🏼❤️
Thank you! I couldn't figure out what the mantra was! (it's on me, I'm not a native.)
For starters, CONGRATULATIONS!! That's amazing news! Secondly, coming from a mom with ADHD and having, now, a 16 and 18 year old (also with ADHD and on the ASD spectrum), I can honestly say, babies/kids are NOT a project you could ever possibly get bored with! Things are constantly changing and they grow SO. FAST! I mean, SO fast! Enjoy every single moment and stare at that sweet face as often as you can and enjoy every minute!! You're going to be amazing parents!!
You're gonna be a great mom. Honestly, from the neurodivergent kids I've met (and I've met a lot, having grown up in homeschool circles) if you love and accept your kid for who they are, and support them in learning how to accommodate their unique needs (even when they differ from your own) then you'll be golden. Those are already strengths of yours. Just leave space to keep re-parenting yourself along the way. I know my parents are still doing so, even as I'm now an adult, and I loved the childhood they gave me!
Congrats! I’m an ADHDer, a mom, and an elementary school teacher and from what I’ve seen in your videos, you’re already ahead of the game.
You’re already aware of your own needs and have spent a lot of time learning to give yourself grace and build structures that work for you.
For me, the essential thing to thriving through the first year of parenthood was social interaction. Library story time, new mom walking groups, swimming lessons… I had somewhere to be everyday. Probably in part because routine is so important, but also because having friends who are in the same boat really help
I'm one of those people who didn't realize I had ADHD until I had kids. It is supper hard, and still so worth it.
Congratulations!
Some advice:
- There are a million ways to parent, there are only a couple ways to actually be a bad parent; you are doing better than you think you are in the rough moments.
- Don't sweat the small stuff
- Prioritize your connection over there behavior
temporary
Congratulations!! Keep a calendar of child's needs once they hit school age ie birthday celebration date, forms need to be completed. You can use an in/ out shelf too. Just sit back enjoy and remember you can't spoil a baby by holding them. They walk away from us too soon as it is. I'm an ADHA mom with an ADHD child. You can do this!!
"Do what you can. Do what you have to."
My mantra for getting through Parenthood with undiagnosed ADHD. I believe you're going to do okay. And okay is okay when raising kids. You don't need to be a marvelous mom you don't need to be a perfect mom you don't need to be an exceptional mom. You just need to be the mom your child needs. And you can do that better than anyone else in the world.
You have created so many tools
You have identified so many pros and cons
You are great under pressure.
You got this.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I have ADHD, and am probably on the ASD spectrum besides (diagnosed when they were considered mutually exclusive diagnoses), and both of my kids are also diagnosed with ADHD. Parenting is always changing, and so boredom is less a problem for me than overstimulation is. Congratulations, you guys will be such good parents!
Congrats! I'm not a mother yet, but I heard advice that has stuck with me as someone with ADHD: life is about juggling. Some balls are made of plastic, some are made of glass. Sometimes, you'll have to drop a plastic ball from Parenting (like crazy hair day or silly sock week) in order to catch a glass ball from Work (like an important project on a tight deadline), and that's ok. Also, delegate as much as you can, ask for help, and enjoy the ride!
It means the world to me to have had a neurodivergent parent to be a role model for me. Being able to get your kid on an intuitive level is going to help so much, even when ADHD makes things complicated. You’ve got this, and you’re gonna be amazing ❤
Congratulations, it's hard but awesome! Nothing will be as you expect but you will still love it!
The adds killed my post I'll try and remember it all!
So tips.
1. Young baby's that can't move are a god send, do things while they are immobile nothing will happen to them while you do, promise
2. Sleep when they do, otherwise when they are up all night you will wish you were dead.
3. Get help, it takes a village to raise a child, get family and friends involved it's very full on with ADHD you will burn out without help!
4.there is no such thing as perfect, there is what you can do now, what works for you and the baby isn't crying so that works!
5. Get him involved with nappies it's not hard, and yes you are going to find out poo really is a thing - which was at least a surprise for me.