Getting Feedback is Hard, Here's My Trick!
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- Опубликовано: 9 май 2023
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I know I'm inviting a bunch of feedback by making this video, but it's something that needs to be said regardless.
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I was taught growing up that you should take feedback with a grain of salt if it’s not from someone you’d feel like a compliment would be meaningful. Basically, if a compliment from them would feel deep and meaningful, then feedback/advice is likely to be on the same level. It’s not 100%, but is good for quick, in-the-moment judgement.
Oh I like that a lot
I think this is a cool tool to add to the using-feedback toolbox. It can help to prioritise the feedback within that ≈ 25% of feedback that’s genuinely helpful. From any one person, the breakdown will probably vary from the 50:25:25 that other feedback (very roughly) seems to follow, but I think, from time to time, even people whose compliments feel really meaningful will suggest unnecessary or even negative changes.
I only take people's opinion when I've investigated a few times their opinions before and gain trust
Thank you for the reminder
Good answer. But I think I would also apply the 50-25-25 rule here.
For me the hardest part isn't sorting the good vs bad feedback, it's being overwhelmed by feeling of rejection, my brain goes right into "I'm terrible, nobody likes me, I should move under the bridge cause that's the only place I deserve" and I have to spend days building up tolerance until I can actually fully read and understand the feedback. And I have this reaction even when I know for certain that the feedback is actually very positive.
Yeah same. RSD can be immobilitating. My mind does the same, and although i KNOW people don't find me worthless, it still feels like that.
Me, too. I think this is common in people with and without ADHD. Someone I know said to sit with that for the 24 hours after getting the feedback before doing anything with it. Doesn't stop the RSD, but it stops the impulsive reaction. Oh, and thank the person for feedback even it's pants. It takes people effort and energy to feedback, even if we don't like it or don't care for the person giving it!
I have never felt those feelings. My spouse grew up in dysfunction however and he has some of those feelings. I believe he feels that way due to the dysfunctional childhood.
@@lijohnyoutube101 yeah afaik current theory of RSD is that it doesn't come from ADHD itself but from getting rejected and corrected so often it's traumatic
I am diagnosed with ADHD. I think it's made up. There's no science that backs up ADHD.
Here is some feedback for you. Six months ago I stumbled upon my first video of you and today I got my diagnosis. My life has been a struggle to say the least, and now, because of you, I have a potential future to look forward to. If not for you, I may have never known. I owe you so, so much.
❤
Me too. Got my diagnosis 2 weeks ago and have been following Jess religiously since my daughter was diagnosed last year. When my daughter was diagnosed I found this channel and that’s what led me to understanding myself better.
Me too. I never would have pursued this on my own. Jessica not only validated my experiences, but also helped me understand I’m not wrong or that I’m horrible, mean, space cadet. And she did this not only with her personal experiences, but using the prevailing scientific evidence and sharing that evidence with us. This added not only to her being a reliable source, but one that is relatable and that I trust enough to use the information given.
Me too! I got my diagnosis after looking for help after watching these videos... It completely changed my life for the best! I'll be forever grateful for Jessica and this community here
100% relatable. "Used to being wrong" "Assuming others know better" "You're doing as you're told and carry this childlike mentality into adulthood"
Thank you for making this video, I feel so seen. It's rare for me to relate to every word but that's exactly the case.
I've learnt to filter what I'm told, too, but I'm yet to reach balance in it.
Your videos often help me to start doing things when I feel stuck and can't stay focused or start doing smth. I often rewatch some of them just for the sheer enthusiasm or relatability, they give me the motivation planks. A few days ago I managed to finish the book translation in time thanks to them for the 1st time! And it was my 4th translation.
Thank you very much for this channel, I can't express enough how much it helps me.
Yes. Especially the part at 2:56. "In the process I feel like I kind of lost sight of who I was as a person. Or maybe I never really got the chance to figure out because I was so busy trying to be who everybody thought I should be that I didn't have, maybe, a whole lot of space for me."
ditto! love
I am seen.
While I don’t discount the learning lessons, I really don’t think this is a significantly tied to a adhd thing.
I have never related less to a piece of her content. To me it aligns far more with feelings my husband has had to process growing up in such a dysfunctional home.
They are good lessons but I grew up learning these things.
Everyone has their own walk but I think these thoughts tie more to a good and stable home versus poor parenting.
@@lijohnyoutube101 I think it can be an adhd thing, especially for women, but not a direct result of the condition. Like masking and imposter syndrome, it’s something that can result if you end up in a particular feedback loop based on your environment and how you happen to react to it. It makes sense to me that coming from dysfunction as a child can have a similar result, because for me, I’m starting to realize that not understanding adhd has resulted in an experience akin to being gaslit by the entire world, including myself. But this only started being a problem I truly recognized once I hit certain specific situational milestones and the mask was no longer sufficient to cover up my difficulties.
But since I didn’t always experience this as strongly, and I don’t experience it in every area, and I didn’t always mask, I can see how many people might not end up where I am when/if they come to those crossroads. So it’s not universal, but it is associated.
As a Highly sensitive person i completely agree .. im 38 now and only realised this year ive ADHD. Looking back, every time i got "feedback" i always took it as criticism. I always thought, why cant i do anything right? So for a long time i was always defensive when having a meeting with my boss or whatever. Now i realise its better to respond than react to the feedback. Im learning so much thanks to your channel. ❤
i think it's harder to take "feedback" gracefully when so often it comes from someone who has the power to make one's life... less pleasant... depending on how one takes or interprets their [advice or opinions].
I recently thought of this as a mom. I have an 11 year old and I want to let her figure out who she is. It is incredibly tempting to give to much advice on things that are subjective. My current attempts have been to ask more questions than directions. She’s a smart and competent person. Will there be times to intervene, yes. But I don’t need to tell her how she should do everything. Letting her make her own mistakes and choices. What I want for her shouldn’t supersede what she wants for herself (obviously age appropriate).
You are a good Mom.
This is actually how I was taught to approach working at a writing center. We were told that we shouldn’t be telling the writer what to do, but rather, ask questions about what they are doing. It was so they could more effectively learn about the writing process and develop their own voice. I can see how that’d be an effective approach to parenting, as well.
This is me as a mom as well. My kids are capable of knowing who they want to be as a person and I have raised some very confident people.
I struggle with feedback so much. I'm not confident in my decision making abilities, and would rather have someone else make the decision for me
I love the 50%/25%/25% rule. This is SO timely. I always try to do as I'm told but it doesn't always help. It's cost me a lot over the past couple of years. Thank you ❤
That was my favorite part, too.
I don't have ADHD (as far as I know!) but I often find that the advice and techniques you talk about are very useful. Today's video was one of those times. Thank you.
I once had a counselor say, the things we do to accommodate ADHD are usually good for everyone. It’s just that if someone with ADHD doesn’t have it, it’s very detrimental.
As someone with ADHD, I wonder - how do you know you don't have it? I'm not trying to push it on you, on the contrary, because since I found out, I don't really have an idea of how neurotypical people operate aside from stereotypes like constant small talk. What are some things in Jessica's videos that make you go "Yeah that's not me" ?
The single most life-changing feedback I ever got from a therapist was that I "practice stress". Something about framing stress as an action rather than a state of being helped me so much. Because while most of the things I stress about are genuinely valid things to stress about, I also won't ever give myself a moment of relief if one stressful thing resolves. It's always "ok cool that's done so now I can focus more on stressing about this other thing". Like my default state is to stress and if I run out of majorly stressful things I will simply find something else to be stressed about. So the solution to that for me was not to try and stop stressing but rather to "practice relaxation". So make an active effort each day to do something relaxing or enjoyable for myself and allow myself to put my stress aside for a little while and recuperate. This way, to use a metaphor from a previous How to ADHD video, I'm actively filling my bucket back up a little bit each each day so that when I do stress, it isn't leaving me as high and dry and bent out of shape as it used to. I still lose sight of this sometimes but when I apply this to my life it makes a huge difference.
I had a similar problem. I couldn't get myself to do stuff because it was just way too much and I couldn't figure out where to begin. So instead I did nothing, but felt extremely guilty doing nothing because I still had so much I needed to do.
Now I get help whenever I need something started and afterwards I reward myself with doing nothing with less feeling guilty 😊
Nice!
Thank you! I could have written this myself.
What do you do to put your stress aside temporarily? Other than distraction?
Thanks for sharing
2:54-3:08 I nearly cried. I thought I was the only one who experienced that extreme loss of sense of self. I'm working really hard to try to gain that sense of who I am, but it's really hard and sometimes I think it's too late. But mostly I think I'm going in the right direction. Thank you so much for making this video and making me feel less alone.
Thanks Jessica !
Also, on the topic of feedback. Maro, the lead designer of magic the gathering, said that players are really good at identifying problems but really bad at solving them. I feel that holds true for feedback in general. You touched on this in the video, but figured I’d mention it /bring it up for discussion as well!
When I’m beta testing a new escape room, I will politely listen to feedback on what I need to change, but what helps me most is seeing/hearing about the bottleneck points and puzzles. Then I can work on a fix. Sometimes it’s as simple as needing more light in that area, or adding additional cluing. Though most beta testers usually want to give me their opinion on how to fix things (or just tell me that puzzle sucks and should be removed 😂)
This comes up a lot in design for both tabletop RPG design and user experience design as well, both of which do a lot of user testing. If people are giving you suggestions to change something, it means something isn't clear or doesn't suit their needs or preferences. The former is something you need to address, though not necessarily in the way they might suggest. The latter is something you only need to take on board if matching their needs or preferences is part of the goal of the project.
This rings really true! I got a boss who straight up told me “I don’t know how to help you with this problem.”
I work as a VFX artist for movies, tv and video games and most of my work involves receiving feedback from clients or senior artists. For me, coming into feedback sessions with the mentality of "I know nothing and this is just for improvement of the product" allows me to take things in and not take them personal. Also, when the person giving me the feedback is completely honest with me and doesn't try to sugar coat the feedback, I work better.
I worked in animation industry and constant feedback is something I've been working with a ton of time too and I can add to that - sometimes you have to fight for thing exactly because it's not about you or them but because of the quality of product. The thing is - nobody know everything and someone may have higher position but not necessarily seeing the best option just because their experience and capabilities are limited. That's why communication culture and safe space for opinions (as well as brainstorming) are really important for teams and for the success of the whole company in the long run and also that's what inclusion about and why in so many places there new job positions directed specifically on 'inclusion' part.
This video really resonated for me. As a fellow sensitive person, I also find it challenging to accept feedback (either positive or negative). It’s such a wonderful reminder that we don’t have to own or absorb every bit of feedback, and have the ability to choose what feedback we accept and maybe try to implement, and what we leave behind. Thank you for this important reminder. I felt like everything you said was spot on. 😊
This is a huge issue for me, I became such a perfectionist because of it. It wasn't until I was completely disabled by depression (which I'm starting to think was actually burnout??) that I started practicing "progress is better than perfect". I still struggle with going to a dark place whenever I get criticized, I'm gonna try this ❤
A piece of feedback that changed my life.. "I see you're very service oriented. You realize the first act of caring for anyone is to take care of yourself. This will allow you to approach everything from a better place, and give much better service to others." Basically stating that taking care of my needs is not selfish. But in a way that I could understand.
I really identify with not having a strong sense of self… For so long I was just trying to be what other people said I should be. Honestly I’m still figuring things out, but I never realized it could be related to ADHD. Thanks for sharing this
I feel the polar opposite. So interesting…
This is a hugely important topic to me as I move into PhD study. I've never had so much constructive feedback, and I'm finding it difficult to process. When the stakes are high, and we care about the person giving the feedback and their opinion of us, so too are the emotions, which makes it hard to do the filtering process Jessica describes so well. I'll be following the comments for tips! Thanks for reminding me that it's me who gets to choose what feedback I take and discard, Jessica!
I’m a writer and taking feedback is really hard for me. I took a poetry class last semester where the whole class was about writing poems and getting feedback on them. I’m really grateful for that experience because it helped me sort through feedback logically instead of emotionally. I take things less personally now and I’m better at deciding what I want to do and what I don’t want to do.
Yes! I love poetry class!
Fellow writer here. Taking feedback is incredibly hard. Trying not to take it personally is like trying to slog knee-deep through quicksand.
My core beliefs have had a huge impact on my ability to take criticism well. I had an unspoken belief for a long time that I wasn't good enough because of my ADHD. That rather than just having a different set of strengths and weaknesses, I was somehow broken and needed to constantly prove my worth through accomplishments. That led to an unhealthy motivation to please everyone and avoid criticism because it would feel like a personal attack.
Things like your channel have helped me become more accepting of myself and that's made it a lot easier to take feeback well, or accept if I make a mistake without getting so mad at myself. Thanks for what you do!
Putting yourself out on RUclips and being successful at it takes developing a really thick skin. It's a difficult skill to build up. I'm glad you spent some time explaining what you've learned that could be helpful to others.
This is so helpful! The 50/25/25% feedback rule is something I’d never heard of before and is such an eye opener.
I tend to struggle with feedback where a person isn’t directly stating the problem. I’ve had a boss who tried to be a little too tactful with feedback to the point that I didn’t realize I was supposed to be reading between the lines and applying it to myself. Someone else I knew was like this, too, and I just couldn’t grasp why they were telling me these stories until much later. I need feedback to be kind, but also direct and to the point.
I can totally echo this entire comment. Never heard that before, and it just broke my brain. I'm actually decent with feedback on creative projects, but somehow never applied the same filters and understandings to criticisms of me as a person.
Omg, the most important thing art school taught me was how to accept, use, and give constructive feedback. So much this. And it is such a revelation when we realize that we have a choice not only in whether or not to use that feedback, but in how to use it as well. It was a whole different world that opened up when I understood that in art school and then started looking forward to our feedback sessions in school 😊
I just got my official ADHD diagnosis today. I never would have realized I even had ADHD and needed to investigate if not for your videos, so THANK YOU!!❤
Your algorithm knows you better than you do ☠️
@@iamwhoyousayiam6773 Fair enough lol, but still. It pointed me in a good direction!
@@Raelunil it's also awfull how underregocnized ADHD is in woman. I was 28 when I got my diagnosis. I have spent years getting therapy and help, but no one bothered to find out where my depressions were ACTUALLY comming from. When my therapist first said it might be ADHD and I googled it, it immediatly clicked for me. I knew this was it. And now I've grown soo much. I got so many handlebars for life now that I didn't knew I needed, or even that they exsist.
Was it a relieve to get a diagnosis? Did you struggle in your day to day life?
@@SlothDaan I'm about the same age and yes, it has been an immense relief to get my diagnosis! I've already noticed that people in my life, loved ones, professionals at my university, and doctors are already taking my struggles more seriously and are helping me find better tools and ideas that ACTUALLY help now! ❤️
Thanks for talking about this. I’m personally very averse to failure. I haven’t used the education that I paid for partly because of the risks that come with failure and how that reflects on me, a perfectionist. I’ve been trying to see failure as a learning opportunity, but it’s difficult; I can’t seem to get myself to start. I kept thinking of the word “develop,” like a photo or a plant, through the video, and I like the idea and I like the positive framing of that idea. But, man, making the decision to dive in is just so difficult for me.
Totally agree. In my last year of teaching, I had started at a new school and was really struggling with workload. The maths lead started trying to help me with planning and she tried to get me to start really going into minute depth with the planning which took soooo long to do.
Despite me having 10 years of teaching experience, I just took it and tried to do it even though I hated it and it also went against a lot of what I had learnt earlier in my career.
Thankfully, the pandemic helped me realise I wanted to stop teaching and now I am coming to terms with my undiagnosed ADHD, I realise why I was struggling so much.
It feels like the feedback video is a fitting time for me to make my 1st comment on your channel. I want to say thank you for your videos. My husband and I (early 40's) have both been diagnosed with ADHD within the last couple of years. Your videos have helped provide further understanding of how we are able to support each other and communicate. They also led to me (overachieving female) seek ADHD testing and diagnosis. My diagnosis helped me figure out how to be me instead of pushing through to just keep getting things done without regard to impacts on mental health. Thank you for your channel, it is one of the tools that have helped me be a mentally healthier person and strengthen my marriage.
When I watch your videos, sometimes I can immediately see ways to better parent my children while improving my own experience. This was totally one of those. I can be so sensitive to feedback. It's hard for me to pick out the helpful bits, but this structured way to step one figure out the category, etc... SO GOOD! Thank you for this!!
This was such a helpful video!!! I used to struggle immensely with feedback (i.e. every time someone gave me anything other than positive feedback I'd immediately burst into tears). It took many years of "growing a thicker skin" (and receiving my late AudiHD diagnoses) to gain perspective and learn how to accept most feedback with grace! The 50/25/25 rule is SO handy! Thank you for sharing this one. :)
Rejection sensitivity is something I struggle with. I learned to deal with it by just shutting down and assuming everything I did was terrible, and as a result, I have a difficult time with praise as well. I like the idea of looking at feedback as something to consider, rather than accept as absolute; it shifts my brain power from trying not to cry and feeling like a failure to exploring the other perspective and whether or not that feedback would benefit what I'm trying to convey/accomplish. Thanks for the video! ❤
In my experience getting feedback is easier when people giving the feedback know how to do that. Many times in the past it has happend that the feedback feels more like someone wants to hurt me or use me instead of help me.
It changed when I participated in a workshop on how to give feedback. It changed the way I received feedback too.
Thanks for reminding me ❤
Omg I love that you're constantly looking around instead of staring at a teleprompter like a robot. I look around constantly while I work so it's nice to know I'm not the only one who can't sit still and look straight ahead.
I feel that most of my problems are feedback problems. Not being able to provide feedback in a way that communicates how I feel is the reason it took so long for me to get diagnosed. It's also the reason why I'm having so much trouble with my pain management after back surgery. I can't describe my symptoms properly without getting a look like "*Sigh* okay buddy, now again, tell me where it hurts..." It sucks.
I was always doing things wrong as well, and instead of asking for help, which I believed annoyed people (from my perspective) because it took me so long to get things. But once I picked up on visual cues as I got older I just stopped asking in most cases because I didn't want to seem dumb. So I just absorbed what I could visually, and just tried to figure it out on my own. Eventually I would get close enough, or I would have somebody come along that was impatient and just showed me how to do things in their way... But my "figured it out to not figure it out" ratio averaged out and I was able to live a somewhat normal life undiagnosed. I gained horrible vices and I was trying to treat myself for something I didn't even know I had.
Feedback is very, very hard lol
I am also an actor. I do Shakespeare mostly. There are so many parallel reflections in your story to mine. I love and resonate with everything here you said. Keep on making more of these!!! They are a huge help, especially now with me beginning my medication regimen.
You're wonderful. So astute and I can always relate. Humility makes you especially credible. Thanks and keep em coming Jessica.
The timing of this video is uncanny… I really needed to hear this today ❤
Three minutes in and I’m nodding my head in agreement. It’s like your describing my life. I’m just starting to unpack this at 50. I’m so glad these discussions are taking place, hopefully things will start to get better as more people start to understand.
This was one of the most important parts of building my sense of self. And a major part of the process was overcoming my sense of guilt for “rejecting” 75% of the feedback I receive-it made me feel conceited. But I never really thought about that 50% that just different, not really better, not worse. I just came to accept that it’s okay to let feedback pass into the chaotic void in my mind where memories disappear for ages or forever labeled “not useful at the time,” and that most of it would end up in that state. Now I understand why that’s okay: a massive chunk of the feedback is just unnecessary changes that are neither improvements nor damaging, just different.
Something that happens a lot with feedback is that people percieve a problem and instead of explaining the problem, they give their solution. If you train yourself in figuring out what their problem is, that can really help to find out how valuable their feedback is to you.
Ouff.. feeeedbaaack.... grew up getting so much... very sensitive to it... sometimes it's really hard to take it in.. so I've worked out when I'm not in a state to take it in.. to say that.. "I appreciate you trying to help . But I can't take this in right now.. and it won't help".. that simple sentence has helped my peace of mind soooo much
I just wanted to say, thank you so much. I literally cried of joy when I found your channel. You are such an amazing person and I am so thankful for you. Have a blessed day! (Or night!) ❤
Love, love, love that you called it feedback instead of criticism! Soo much more accurate and a much better word to use!!! ❤️
31 and diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I love your videos! My alternative rock project is called “Becoming Human” and almost every song is about my struggles with ADHD, depression, and anxiety! Your ability to consistently have content impresses me. Keep fighting the good fight!
Also I deleted and retyped this like 30 times lol
Here is some feedback for you. I love your videos, and they help me a lot. The parts of your videos that are the strongest are when you are being raw and vulnerable. Hearing you speak from such an emotional place hits so much harder than when you are just talking about facts casually.
As someone who is undiagnosed currently and was even still teetering on whether I really thought I had adhd or not before I found your channel. My mom actually was the person to mention the possibility to me at first, I didn’t understand or see it. However, the more research I’ve done… and especially after finding your channel, it has motivated me to look for a doctor. I have been able to relate to almost everything if not everything you’ve mentioned so far in the content I’ve consumed from your channel. I believe this is the 5th or 6th video I am on. It is really refreshing being able to so closely connect a lot of my struggles to a potential solution. Thank you 🙏🏼 I am also going to buy your book.
I really like this "your job is to find that 25% that makes it better" mentality!
The way I approach feedback is kind of like, I sit on the thought and evaluate a couple of things. 1. Okay they think this thing. (as in, it's not factually true, its just a thought they have) 2. Do I agree, do I think it's true? 2. If it's true, is it something I would want to change? 3. Is this person important enough for me to care about what they think, are they worth changing myself for?
And kind of go from there.
Thank you for this video! I spent the last 5 years at university where I feel there is so often very little room to take feedback as anything but gospel. I learned pretty early that assignments and exams were often about giving the assessor what they want, which was a real hit to my ability to develop my own sense of judgement in my field. Looking forward to carrying the concepts in this video forwards 😊
I relate to this too, also spent 5 years in college and I’m like I’ve learned everything about what my professors wanted but what about what I want! I find it really helps spending time alone writing down what you want and watching stuff you enjoy depending on your field :)
As someone with ADHD who works in product development- THANK YOU. if you ask 40 people what the proper texture of a cookie should be, you will get 50 answers, and you have reminded me, just in time, that I dont have to magically recconcile a bunch of contradictory bits of feedback.
Also just thanks in general for running such a great channel, ive been following you for years and years, and the evolution in the topics you cover is hitting a particularly good, nuanced stride these days,and i really appreciate it!
If I ever get to meet you I just want to give you a big hug. Your work has helped others understand me better. Me too 😊
My feedback for you is a ton of hugs and cuddles 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗💜💜💜💜🤗🤗🫂🫂🫂🫂
My feedback to this comment is that a metric ton of hugs sounds dangerous.
Some great advice that's helped me, avoiding rejection sensitivity - ask for feedback framed as a growth opportunity or way to improve or learn. ie, "I'd like you to develop your skills in , with a focus on improving " instead of "You're underperforming at . Do better."
Also, when giving feedback, as an AudHDer, my instinct is to to 'go for the throat' with constructive solutions, which doesn't factor in the *human* element. I've learned to try to focus on building a good relationship with that person or that team, instead of focusing on problem solving. Using "Yes, and.." instead of shooting down ideas, for example
I often find myself giving feedback to someone about something when I hadn’t actually planned to, which means I have to scrabble around for the right words so it doesn’t come across as too blunt or hurtful (yes, I’m audhd) as I never mean it to but sometimes it just seems to. Or I just confuse them by using too many words trying to explain *exactly* what I mean!
This is something that hits really close to home for me right now, and I'm actively speaking to a therapist about it. That feeling of being so subsumed in other people's opinions and feedback, and having no trust in yourself, to the point where you just let other people take the reins on everything and have no real sense of what *you* want or who *you* are. I also got diagnosed with ADHD a couple of months ago, and I'd definitely made the connection there... I think a lot of how you respond to feedback and criticism can be determined quite early on in life through your relationship with your parents, which when you're an undiagnosed "gifted" child can often seem to be going fine while leaving you with a bunch of underlying scars you won't get to pick out until much later. That's been my experience anyway.
SO MUCH of what you say, the topics you choose are so relevant and relatable to my life. Thank you SO MUCH for making this channel
This video came at a really good time for me. Lately I've been having a hard time hearing feedback without associating it with my negative thoughts of 'I'm not enough'. But remembering that feedback is normal for everyone and that others are not always right helps a lot. Thanks Jessica!
I haven't made a youtube video in months because the negative feedback just eats away at me. I'm trying so hard to come back but I just can't handle the mean people on RUclips. Thank you for the advice!
I started applying this to medical professionals. We're told growing up that we should always follow their advice. It's true that their general advice may be sound, but they don't know my body or health condition like I do. After years of reading medicine, I usually find that I am the expert in the room and the person opposite is often winging it, lying or hiding test results they don't understand! I listen anyway for the nuggets of wisdom.
"i was so use to being corrected in my childhood" this sense of always being wrong, alwasy doing something wrong. that really hit me. we never talked about mental health growing up, or knew about ahdh or autism. being an adult and hearing peoples experiences and resonating with it has opened my eyes and also made me feel less alien and more understood. thank you so much though for posting. every video is like a hug. it reminds me that im not alone and theres ways to be successful with adhd
I don't comment often, but I really needed this video right now. I've been struggling a lot with physical symptoms I didn't understand which leads into severe health anxiety. I have this problem where friends, family, doctors, therapists etc. will give me feedback and I will NOT listen until I reach the conclusion myself in the most roundabout way possible.
It feels like I'm traveling down a road and being absolutely convinced I'm going the right way, and there are people on the side of the road with megaphones yelling at me that I'm going the wrong way, but I toss it into the back of my mind and keep walking. The worst part is I'm aware of this problem and my friends have talked to me about not listening to them, but the cycle keeps going. I've slowly gotten better at listening to people and making changes for the better, but it's incredibly difficult to sort through with my own stubborn voice in my head and "what if" thoughts.
Ever since I started taking Adderall I THOUGHT my anxiety went away, but it seems to just be presenting in ways that I couldn't recognize, because I don't *feel* anxious and I can function much better than I used to, which makes me push myself too hard.
But seriously I can't thank you enough for your videos, ADHD is such an enormous beast that has wreaked havoc on my life for nearly 30 years and I would not be nearly as knowledgeable about ADHD and how it affects my behaviors without you ❤
Edit: a lot of the feedback from friends is that I overthink every little thing I perceive to be wrong with me and desperately try to fix things that don't need to be fixed, while neglecting real issues that I could be fixing, because I am simply too blind to see them or in denial.
I can relate so much to this, to geowing up insecure, to having a poor sense of self, ton not knowing who tonlisten and wanting to listen to everyone
Wanted to say a quick thank you for this channel. It took me from 2 years ago seeing your RSD video for the first time, to tomorrow going to FINALLY go pick up my meds for the first time. Thank you so much, you change lives💜
Thank you for this, You hit the nail on the head with this one. I still feel like a kid every day & I'm mid 40's
I find that because I put SO MUCH mental energy into everything I do, I struggle to remember that most other people don’t. A lot of people giving feedback aren’t really thinking it through in the same way you would. It’s a mistake to just assume they wouldn’t have said it if there wasn’t something wrong with you and internalize it, it’s better to take few breaths to catch some emotional distance and analyze whether the feedback has any validity.
Jessica, I want to give you some feedback:
- Your videos like this one where you talk about your specific struggles with ADHD are extremely relatable and encouraging. It helps me identify with you and helps validate a lot of my own struggles with ADHD. So keep it up!
- You have a very beautiful smile. Keep smiling in your videos!
This is a really nice way to think of feedback. Hearing you talk about bringing your child mindset into adulthood is something that resonates with me. There's definitely a steep learning curve on adulting. I wish I had been told this earlier as well, but it's helpful to hear it delivered in the way you did. Thanks!
I'm only 3 mins in and "I went the opposite way " explains the whole reasoning behind my addiction issues that overtook my teens and 20s......I rebelled against the "advice"
Can so relate to this! Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing such a personal issue. Although I don’t think I have ADHD, I have a lot of mental health issues around being so scared of disappointing and annoying people that I have surrender so much of myself growing up trying the impossible feat of pleasing everyone. This is really helpful, thank you!
about "good usefull advise" right now nothing comes to my mind. But there is a terrible feedback back when I was a kid. During elementary and middle school I got bullied. I got diagnosed ADHD only as an adult so back then I was just mainly labbeled as "lazy" and "weird" and teachers usually said that If i got bullied that was my fault for not fitting in. I tried to ask why was it ok for them to insult and laugh at me and even throwing things at me just because I thought differently, or liked reading on my own, or isolate myself in a corner during breaks to sing or danse on my own, but the only responds were "it's your fault you're weird". And the worst thing was when my dad told me "if everyone around you is wrong, you're the one who should reflect on yourself". I can't seem to shake these words even nowadays.
This was very insightful! I always thought "FEEDBACK" was you sitting there listening to someone tell you everything you did wrong.
Some of the BEST feedback I've ever gotten has come from people I absolutely wanted to slap across the face. It's really hard to admit when someone you dislike (or is a poor coworker, terrible human, etc.) has a good point. But sometimes, those points are absolutely worth mulling over. The process of learning what feedback is of good quality often comes from just trying those things that are "just different". I've been really surprised sometimes when I thought something was a dumb idea but it actually worked really well. It's important to remain open to anything, but spend your time on what you have the spoons for.
Thank you! I needed to hear this. I almost always tear up when receiving feedback, bc even when framed well, it feels like negative criticism about myself as a person, rather than as something I can change / control, and feels like a judgement on my moral fiber / character. But this will help me create some space and distance for assessment of the feedback itself before I take it on as something that affects me so deeply.
Thank you for this video! It definitely spoke to me. I find there are times where I feel open to feedback, and times where life's at a challenging juncture, and I'm just not open to feedback at that point.
Yes, also was told I was wrong a LOT! Also, just got used to being wrong. Certain situations, began seeing I was actually right. Still "work in progress" much more confident about following my ideas and intuition.
It is unbelievable how substantial I feel understood by you. I also have adhd and our experiences in life seem to be pretty much identical... thank you for sharing this!
Omg I loved that you used "and.." instead of "but..." AND I love the final question of "Do I have the capacity to do this right now?" Great reminders :o)
What I hated about being an art major was that many classes had critiques where you had to give feedback to every single work that everyone else had turned in for that project. It was usually really hard to think of anything meaningful since I wasn't great about giving feedback on most art. I'm sure like 95% of what I suggested was useless.
Best video yet! Thank you for being vulnerable.
Loved this Jessica, it hit so hard!! Thank you for helping me to name & understand one of my many 😭struggles!! Your channel has been an uplifting, informative gift to me 💝‼️ PLEASE keep it coming!!Thanks again!! 😇
Thank you!!! ❤ I needed this message more then I can explain. I appreciate your channel, you were the first spark that lead me to get a late diagnosis and it has changed my life ❤
Thank you for putting yourself out there for us!
My biggest issue is accepting positive feedback, when I’m told I’m doing well. It makes me really uncomfortable. I’m terrible at giving feedback!
you've once again made the video I needed to hear at the right time .... I've been struggling with making videos & content because I'm just so exhausted by the feedback aspect of everything. I love my community and people I've met THROUGH this feedback but sometimes it just becomes too much to deal with and I don't know what to do except dissapear.
Perfect timing! I always struggle to find what I need when looking through your channel. I have been trying to work on taking feedback recently but it’s really hard.
One thing that has really helped me with feedback is learning that 'identifying an area for improvement' and 'suggesting how to improve that area' are different skills, and often feedback will succeed at identifying an area to reflect on but NOT how to 'grow'. Fir the second kind of advice I rely on my trusted friends and mentors to help me work out what I want to do.
Great video Jessica! I'm from the Netherlands and I think it's really cool that you're visiting. Also very good of you to try to speak some dutch words, that's always very much appreciated. Again your video's are very relatable and helpful, so thank you for that! Groetjes aan Mike 🙂
I've never heard feedback broken down that way. I'm 56 and learned the same lessons through my life. But that is a very helpful way to look at it!
Thank you for making this video. I never really thought about this. I have been subscribed to your channel for years, and this year, I finally got diagnosed. ❤
Thank you so very much for this, Jess ❤
Feedback is a gift. You can receive it, but are not obliged to use it. Thank you a lot for this video! The 50/25/25 rule makes the point very clear that it's about choosing what to apply, not about defending yourself about the 75% that are not a good fit for you.
This video went in a different direction to what I was expecting! I skim read the title and thought it was about the challenge of actually ‘getting around to’ asking for feedback (or having the courage to). I know in some jobs/cultures feedback is unavoidable and given unasked, but in others you can plough on feeling unmoored but unable (for internal reasons) to ask for feedback. As always, great insights (I think you inadvertently disprove 50/25/25 ratio with the quality of your tips 😂). Love the points about sense of identity, reflecting and choosing what to act on etc..
Thank you for this. I think I can share it with a couple of my friends who struggle with the stress of feedback (even if the feedback is positive! the stress and anticipation are difficult to tolerate)
I know Mike! Great Guy! Best reason to use Babbel I ever heard. Got me hooked as a patreon too!
Thanks for your vids. I’m 60 with ADHD and haven’t looked into it more than just to get my stimulant. Your videos are really helpful and useful. I’m also able to share with a young family member who’s just starting out on their ADHD journey
Thank You for sharing a new light on a different perspective about receiving feedback. I will try to remember to apply a sorta 'pause' to hearing feedback and really find the 25% of which side that that feedback is leaning towards. Thank You for a great video!😃
My ex-boss used to tell me, "Feedback is a gift" which is a way of putting it on the person giving to share and not hold onto things which which can help someone grow, but also on the recipient to understand what they could improve. I love this video, will show to my daughter who has a *really* hard time getting feedback, as her brain wants to fast-forward anything anyone is telling her and also she is extremely sensitive to criticism - constructive even. Learning to take feedback is hard when your brain doesn't get those endorphins from positive feedback but instead gets bruised from the anxiety of doing a "bad job" for the most part. So hard!
Great timing! These last couple of days I've struggled with not taking feedback personally. Thank you for your videos! :D
When I was in college, there was a vocal masterclass where a young lady was chosen to sing an aria from Carmen. The woman giving the class was a pretty famous opera singer. She made some suggestions to the girl after her first run through, and the girl argued with her and cried (literally) that her voice teacher told her to do it another way. The opera singer moved on to another student at that point. I understood at that time that it doesn't hurt to take a suggestion and try it. She could go back to singing it the way she was taught. Nothing was set in stone. But she might have discovered a different part of her voice. And the opera singer wasn't rude or demanding. She just made a suggestion. I learned then how to both give and receive feedback. A good thing for a (now) voice teacher to know.
This is new to me and I can’t tell you how much this resonates. Thank you!
For me the biggest thing was learning the difference between "Useful" and "Can *I* use it". A lot like your description of the difference between "what works in general" and "what works for me". The other thing is not disregarding the general, but rather looking at it to see if it can be adapted for my use. Sometimes it can, other times not, but either I get something out of it, or I get a better understanding of why it won't work for me, and maybe even what will, so... bonus.
Such a good reminder that feedback from experts isn't automatically correct! I have some lesser-known medical conditions (Ehlers-Danlos and a heart condition, etc.), and my deference to experts combined with some clinicians' presumption that if they don't know about something it can't be real has led to some truly DANGEROUS situations.