Hysteria When Your Partner Is Too Calm
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
- Within couples, a dynamic often emerges during arguments where one person becomes very ‘emotional’ (much to the annoyance of their ‘reasonable’ partner). Yet the wisest response is not frustration, but compassion: to try to understand the source of their emotional distress.
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"There are arguments in which one person will get so upset that they start to behave in ways that range far beyond the imagined norms of civilised conduct: they speak in a highly pitched voice, they exaggerate, they weep, they beg, their words become almost incoherent; they pull their own hair; they bite their own hand; they roll on the floor…”
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Can you make videos in Hindi English is hard to understand
I recall your voice, awhile ago you did a talk on voltaire, your have a very unique style, keep up the good work,
Is is really nessecary to use the word "hysteria" which is deeply rooted in sexism and not only outdated but psychologically wrong and pejorative? Wouldn't it make sense to stop using this word all together?
it's already huge tho
Is it true that School of Life is financed by germany's public television mandatory fee? I heard they jail people who refuse to pay the fee and that lots of them refuse for fighting state propaganda. Is this true?
I’m okay with calm. I’m just not okay with avoiding and deflecting.
You mean using calm against a person?
@Joi Love Yep. Exactly.
Im okay with deflecting and avoiding to avoid a demented rage.
There is always the one who deflects and the one who throws shit
Exactly!
Being calm is being in control of our emotions, not acting on negative emotions which might make us regret later on. But it’s true that there’s a thin line between being calm and being cold/distant. We have to observe the person’s behavior for a while to distinguish it
A lot of people say what you say. I'm curious, so I ask you, if you love someone and trust them, are you afraid of what they'll do If you lose control of your emotions? Losing control of emotions is a risk. Is their a reward for that risk?
Also, I ask you, do you teach children not to try to walk because they might fall and get hurt? Don't children look out of control when they're stumbling and learning to walk? I think emotions are similar...if you don't take risk of losing control, your in control of being the emotional equivalent of a crawling child. Deeper adult emotional relationships require a depth achieved by emotional risk and some failure and embarrassment
@@robdomas8611 I know what you mean. Being calm requires emotional maturity because either you pick it up from your family or you learn it the hard way. Emotions are complex and we weren’t born to know how to handle them already
I agree. I actually went through something like this when me and my bf had problems. It made me feel like i was always complaining and like i was the bad guy because he was acting calm. I then realized that he just didnt care about what i had to say anymore so thats why he was acting “calm”. Thankfully we worked it out but there really is a difference between being calm and being cold/distant.
My mom was very calm. Now that I'm an adult with my own kids, I've come to the conclusion that my mom didn't care about me or anybody, she cared about her fragile reputation and she worried that if she got involved in anything that could lead to conflict and she became emotionally distressed, she would be criticized for appearing out of control. When you have children, and bad things happen, they happen so fast that you must act immediately or you're too late. Sometimes I get angry and yell. It upsets some people. Sometimes people get hit by cars, but we don't stop driving. It's OK if people think I'm crazy or bad if I'm emotional while intervening in trouble in my children's lives. Afterward, some other people recognize the complexity of my situation and appreciate it. Other people avoid me like I'm on fire. You can get burned by fire, but we don't stop cooking on hot ovens. For me, acting on emotions is like walking through a forest. You get lost in the beginning, but you learn to recognize the trees
My mom also said that calm equals emotional maturity, but I believe in her case calm equals uncaring and fear of processing her own trauma. Fear and uncaring
I’ve never even had a partner yet I keep getting recommendations like these...
Partner prep. Lol. You'll be so ready
@@Lucian_Media I'm more than ready where's my man lol
@@ud3mare So what are you doing this weekend?
@@hakimdiwan5101 where do you live?
@@ud3mare Will it matter?
This video is everything. Especially this line: “...it’s possible for a person to be cruel, dismissive, stubborn, harsh and wrong and keep one’s voice utterly steady... Just as one can, equally well, be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent - and have a point.” It's so easy to lay all the blame on the spirited people in a disagreement because they are more overtly passionate and seemingly angry. It's not fair. Thank you for the validation in this video!
Its jealousy
Stop shouting at your partners hun
This comment is so right on! thank you! Agree completely!
@@charlottehin2145 oh my gosh
Gabby 😭
This made me cry because I was just trying to explain this to my husband and couldn’t articulate it well! Thank you!
Drives the person crazy, no credibility, anger management issues, be fussy about what you need at your peril, evil people will try to annoy you,if your not aware of it, fool🇯🇲🚩💲✅
Can we also not forget that really listening and a bit of empathy in someone’s time of need goes so much further than dismissing them
Amen
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Th u!😣😄😄😊
@AssixTV wow, sounds like you have dismissive avoidant attachment.
The fact that you think someone needing you once a week...being a lot...shows how anti-relationship you are.
Your whole mindset is set against true, connected intimacy (emotional).
The very foundation of relationships is relating.
If you’re not onboard with healthy, connected dynamics, offering adequate support etc...don’t get in a relationship!
It’s like getting a job and being surprised you have to show up every day, not just once a week! Wow!
As a grandparent, to you, I hope you can grow and adjust your paradigm. Otherwise, just stay out of relationships. You’re not qualified.
@@Alphacentauri819 my guy y you going and roasting ppl with passive aggressive diagnoses coming from 2 sentence RUclips comments. I don’t think ur helping anyone like that, but doesn’t seem like that’s ur intention anyway
My past relationship was like this. I would start off trying to discuss our issues calmly, while she would deflect and ignore. Then I would end up getting madder and madder until she said I'm not talking to you until you're done being mad. Which always made me feel crazy. Many times I'd come back calm and actually try to bring it up again and the pattern continued until all the problems piled up til I couldn't take it anymore
Sounds like she had dismissive avoidant attachment style. It is a crazy making dynamic for sure. Invalidation is almost guaranteed, understanding rare. It can feel very unsafe and unsettling.
@@Alphacentauri819 NO! if he had a violence problem he should work on it. we shouldnt justify violence. IF YOU CANT CONTROL YOUR RAGE THEN YES!!!!! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!
@@InnerSilence123
Breathe.
You’ve just created a whole narrative.
Not once was violence mentioned in this thread until your comment.
Your distorted projection and personalization of this realm...the verbal violence you’re engaging in, through your capitalization of text...is concerning.
Please look into non-violent communication. How ironic.
Not once did I suggest violence is acceptable.
Not once did I say that a violent person doesn’t have work to do.
I didn’t even discuss violence.
I hope you get the healing you need.
Your comment is rife with outpouring of your own core wounds and experiences.
Violence of physical, verbal (what your comment shows) and emotional...all need deep work. People absolutely have a right to express boundaries and follow through with implementing them.
Mine too, it ended 3 years ago, and I wanted to call the partner and say that okay I have forgiven myself and him, and that we both were toxic, but listening to this talk making me realise, I have not
@@Alphacentauri819 hahahaha you really think that Im going to fall for that "you are projecting your own insecurity" crap??? thats the oldest trick in the book! I remember when I was at the university and we had a program to train people in rethoric, and not just for fun, in some cases people today are politicians or diplomats... we did argue as a sport, to us discussions were some kind of a sparring, and the "you are projecting" tecnique was SO OLD AND SUPERFICIAL that no one used it, in fact we didnt used it becouse everyone already knew a counter to it becouse it literlly was written in many books about rethoric in fact some think that it was used since the times of plato, also becouse it was such a superficial sophist resource that it actually lowers the level of conversation turning in to pure banalities, I know thats your level but its not mine. so if you really wanna argue with me youll have to do better than that, Im not gonna put myself at your level to argue with you if that "projecting" tecnique is your best shot. if thats all you got you have a long way to go. Im not gonna waste my time picking a fight with you the same way the elephant doesnt waste his time picking a fight with an ant, the ant is so insignificant that the elephant doesnt even bother to crush it.
anyway, I never said anything about you but you took it as if I did hahah you must have such a big ego, you must think too high about yourself to think that my response was about you.
As someone who inherited traits from living with the “hysteric” parent (because the “calm” parent couldn’t be bothered to parent) , I’m surprised that so many people are the calm ones. But as the one shouting usually, it was interesting to see what the calm ones are thinking.
I think that was the problem, in my case anyways. The emotional side would always lay out everything wholeheartedly and honestly and expect the same from the calm side which never reciprocated the same way.
I know that it must be just as emotionally draining to be calm as it is hysteric as such but at least you don’t have to live with the guilt, shame and humiliation afterwards. And this is often given by the calm side when all the hysteric side needed was compassion and the calm side to open up a bit more.
For me (from witnessing and experiencing it) getting angry like that, is like a drug or poison or something and your body goes into a complete panic as you feel like you’ve lost all control. You don’t want to get angry but you have to let it happen or your suffocating and as soon as you do, you regret it.
Th u KR! I uh will share parts of your words with someone I know, especially > I layed things out wholeheartedly, the other person did not get it! The calm person never reciprocated by literally opening up a bit more ! Especially when you pour out the heart and I needed verbal compassion from what I had just literally shared with them! The verbal compassion at that critical time was needed 100%, and by not hearing anything from them at that crucial point, you feel you wasted allllllll of what you shared with them! And that stuns you where you just think you have just talked to an idiot! I had to vent! But that is how in disbelief it rises up and paralyzes you! Th U for your words!
How about..instead of regretting it, acknowleging that it had to get out of your system somehow, and plan a strategy for expressing your needs sooner in the future , meaning- not letting it boil under the surface anymore.
@@sherryrobinson7389 some people don't react untill you explode..some shame you for exploding. Both are toxic.
Thank you for writing this. I can see it clearer now
@@ST-yc7uj so so true, I just wish I realised it earlier
Thousands of relationships saved by Alain telling you not to tell your girlfriend to "Calm down." That's a true hero
Listeeeeen, sometimes I get so mad that I cry, because I don’t like being mad at my loved ones. Damn.
I feel like my calm nature and level-headedness during confrontational situations has caused more friction, but I refuse to expend any energy through fussing and fighting. Shouting at my loved one isn't how I show I care. And tbh I stay calm because I know if I blow up, things will escalate - I am capable of being very nasty when angry, so I rather hold onto my dignity and remain in control of my emotions.
You don't have to shout back. But show understanding why the other one is showing it?
@@saltpepper7525 if they're shouting they are not listening themselves. They are in the mode of hammering their point through your head. What if you understand, but refuse to agree? What if you understand but can't do anything about it? Basically good luck having a simple disagreement with someone who's shouting at you. Understanding should come from both sides, not just the "calm" one
You are absolutely right and you are not obliged to waste your energy on anyone. If they want to cooperate/colive/coexist then it's up to them to learn to communicate. Otherwise they're taking this crap in every single relationship, while declaring themselves a victim
@@LittleJohnnyBrown "its up to them to learn" . While you do nothing? They may shout or be tearful in an argument sometimes, what if they're really nice, honest, hardworking, faithful, caring... just through them away if you've to spend some of your "energy" on them. Ok!
@@LittleJohnnyBrown And that's what I find. I find many have grown up in environments where excessive shouting and swearing was the norm, so when they meet people who are able to air their grievences in a calm and respectul manner, they feel uncared about. Shouters and screamers are forever victims in their lives. I have noticed this pattern.
This is so relatable for me right now.
The same for me as well, I'm going to make my partner watch this video with me again...
Your woman is insane?
@@kevincarter2020 No. Let's just say I'm more invested to her than she is to me. It sucks.
Get out bro
ya get out before its too late
This is my (the calm one) in every relationship. This actually gives me perspective on things I’ve done that haven’t made things better.
I’ve become calm over time - but not because I’ve matured - but rather I’ve lost the will to fight or explain myself. Especially, after years of explaining (arguing) falling on deaf ears
Yep, this is happening to me now.
Same, now even if people ask me what's wrong I either physically can't or I don't know what's really wrong myself. It kinda sucks :'/
Is that something like interpersonal burnout? e.g. when prisoners stop feeling compassion
I was a yeller, extremely reactive in the past and I have learned to be calm. I've worked on myself a lot to get here. I will say that sometimes when in discussion and it gets heated and a partner begins to yell and become overly emotional. This is very overwhelming for me now. I have empathy at times. However, I have learned that sometimes having empathy for someone who consistently yells and gets angry or overly emotional with me due to a difference of opinion is abuse. And I have learned that my empathy at times only excuses thier behaviour as I was use to idealisng people in the past. This video is definitely context suited, if a person is being emotionally and verbally abused they learn to placate. They learn to stay calm. So for some the conent in this video might not be helpful as it might further them to idealise and empathise with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive
They aren't placating if they are being dismissive/avoidant.
This issue was explained very well in one of the episodes of Esther Perel's podcast series "Where should we begin?"
Episode's title is "It's very hard to live with a saint"
Wow r u in my head
Oh I was the saint
I went and listened to it from this comment. I have to say, my experience is radically different, I cannot relate. I am always the calm one. I was bullied a lot, I was abused a lot at home (physical and psychological) and school teachers yelled all the time. It doesn't matter how coherent you shout. you yell, i will shut down and leave. I cant have gone through all that yelling for the first 25 years of my life, for me to choose a relationship where my partner yells. i cant handle it...it reminds me of all my trauma
@@mcyeru it’s not saying saint as in an actual saint...but as a label, a person who is self-righteous and impossible to live with, as they see themselves as “perfect” and everyone else is to blame for any issue. Meanwhile, they are just as toxic, but blind to their own influence on the relationship.
A saint, and even worse...a self appointed “saint”...is one of the worst type of partners. In fact they can’t truly partner in any healthy way.
A “saint” is just as much a problem causer as a hysterical person...sometimes even worse.
@@DorcyDel in some cases a person tries a gentle, calm approach, and only escalates when invalidated. Many times we don’t even see where we are being invalidating.
If you lived through all that, you were chronically invalidated too. Hence, you might not have the skills to validate others. While you have the right to having your needs and boundaries honored, it helps to also look at anyways that your self-protective stance (before any yelling) can trigger others.
Dismissive avoidant attachment (sometimes fearful avoidant attachment) can come from your experiences. Unfortunately that makes a person highly intolerant to perceived conflict. Often this is subconscious, and once the internal activation system is on, our ability to listen/connect/understand is minimal. Usually a “calm” person is in this mode without knowing and responds to the other in very dismissive, invalidating ways..,not to hurt the other, but to protect self. Unfortunately, this self protection cuts off the other person, they have their own core wounds activated and react fearfully too. It’s their past history too (often of abandonment and rejection) that is activated by a dismissive type person. They do act like a child desperate for their parent...it’s totally primitive.
Both sides need deep healing. Both are forms of insecure attachment.
We continue to attract someone who reflects back our core wounds, until we do the work to heal.
Usually, we pick a partner who mirrors back our subconscious internal dialogue (which we almost always pick up from parents, school situations and such).
We’ll keep reliving it, until we address what lies beneath and CHOSE our own thought patterns. We refuse to take on the programs handed down from childhood.
To have that sense of agency, empowerment, is life changing.
The Personal Development School has helped me so much. I’m a fearful avoidant...and to finally “see” why I kept attracting certain types, even though I said I didn’t want them (our conscious mind only runs 5% of what we do, and so the subconscious wins out every time).
Learning how to change my subconscious programs and advocate for myself...means I will only tolerate a secure attachment style, once I’m more healed. People who have toxic relating patterns...either too shut down or too overwhelming...won’t appeal at all & I’ll be able to cut them loose quickly, or won’t even have initial attraction!
You can change who you attract! I promise!
I wouldn't say that being condescending is the same as being 'too calm.' You can be calm while not putting down or demeaning the other party in an argument. Though I would agree with the overall message that what we say, how we feel, and our points in arguments are often confused with our reactions.
Exactly my thoughts!
People who act dismissive of others' emotions in order to control them or project their "superiority" are dangerous. If someone does this to you, or anyone else in front of you, get away from them and take precautions. These people seem "off" for a very good reason.
These people you mention are referred to as having NPD .. narcissistic personality disorder. There is Tons of material on this pathology. Dr Ramani .. Dr Les Carter Dr Ross Rosenberg. Etc etc ..
Also forget to mention Lisa Romano although she is not a Doctor per say she is always spot and goes deep and has a lot of material to do self therapy as well. Wishing you a safe and sound journey of healing.
That's true it comes across extremely creepy
What if this person is the only one left in your life? Live abuse free at the cost of total social isolation.
Some people blow up over stupid things or just taking anger out on you that has nothing to do with you. It's impossible to communicate civically with someone like that so it's an avoidant thing. When someone yells at me I automatically want to yell right back at them
I'm usually the calm one, but definitely not always the right one. And great point: at some point, I'll be both "right and acting crazy" at the same time. It's happened before, it'll happen again.
I've never shut people down when they get hysterical, but I do gear way down as a counterbalance. I process my stress and anger differently, like a stepped pool, and I don't react to things like this right away. Instead I basically "Put er in neutral" and just let the moment happen as they figure out all the things they need to say. Let em talk. Usually they calm themselves down after a few minutes, they just don't know how to express things calmly *while upset.* The silent treatment or forced behavioral change is manipulative and psychotic.
The only problem is that *some people* don't want to be calmed down, they want to see you get mad and engage them in their intemperance whether they think they can "win" or force you into doing something that will net them concessions in the long run. You'll know you're with the second type of person when they start turning to things like extensive day planning and sleep deprivation. Those people are trying to illicit a response in kind; their goal is not actually to be listened to, but to shatter that calm and try to manipulate you in the ensuing chaos.
can totally relate to a relationship with a lack of compassion .. so emotionally frustrating and draining
I'm always amazed by the perfectly coherent explination in all of school of life's videos. I mean, I am a person who really thinks about everything a million times almost compulsivly, but i never thought about the effects of being the calm one. In my life I am surrounded by explosive people (super emotional) that are prone to scream and cry and make a fuzz, even in my younger years i related to that behavior, I even believe that was my eye opener to staying calm in a heated argument. I always saw being calm as being good, just like the video said and never has it cross my mind that it can be an unempathetic thing to do.
The name school of life really holds true to its name.
It also mentions, however, that it is the more helpful way of settling things. Just that you should judge people less if they lose their calm.
You rarely hear of an argument ending in violence where both parties remained calm.
@Anjali Gupta And that is the only way things can possibly be discussed?
Who said you should not discuss?
This can only go so far before it turns into another thing like abuse...
I was always the “calm” one in arguments with my ex. You’re absolutely right, by the end of our relationship she was downright abusive. She would resort to hitting, scratching, pinching, breaking of items. She had no idea how to communicate her feelings in words, even though I was just trying to hear her out. Then again, it was a symptom of our different personalities. Nothing ever really bothers me as I’m perfectly happy with my life. She on the other hand would get upset by just about anything negative that might happen or by things people might say or do and she would seek to retaliate against those who had “harmed” her.
@@zachrowell6795 exactly my feelings, man. It's not like being calm eguals being emotionally unavailable. It's just very exhausting to be emotionally involved every single time things go wild. It's like "can I please just live for a moment?"
@@LittleJohnnyBrown bro i love you
@Chrizi Hart true, emotional neglect is a form of abuse
@@zachrowell6795 sounds like she has attachment trauma, like fearful avoidant attachment.
If you look up the core wounds and subconscious programming, it’s eye opening how those influence beliefs/narratives and relationships. They can feel very untrusting and make some things “mean” things without inquiring. They don’t mean to be this way, it comes out of deep fear and their behavior is a reaction to that fear. Hard to see when it’s in full swing.
Basically, you were likely dealing with someone who was invalidated, dismissed, possibly has chaos growing up and never got that solid foundation...therefore, all other relationships feel like quicksand until they do the healing work.
Know it’s not about you.
They need validation & understanding above all else. A safe place where they feel someone finally has their back. Unfortunately they sabotage in their fight/flight responses to seemingly small things (although to them it’s huge, a an old wound has been bumped into and they are screaming out in pain).
Anyways, it’s good you know your needs and boundaries!
if this happens often its a form of abuse and a sign of narcissism, its called reactive abuse. the person will push you to your breaking point and when you snap they will remain calm and gaslight you like "see? you really are unstable. YOURE the crazy one!" if you snap at these people it is not your fault!!! you are being abused, leave!
That's the thing though, YOU are in control of you, and the only things that are truly your fault are the things that you do. This is true, abuse comes in many forms, but it's also important to address even those situations with kindness and fairness. The abuser WANTS a reaction. To give them patience and listen to them (unless they begin to attack their partner directly) is to give them the space to experience their feelings without it being taken out on you. Take a step back, and love them, if you do. Understand them. Understand that this must be a scary way to feel. Communicate that when they are ready they may ask for your help, and even if it's not something you can do, that they can still rely on knowing you love them and are in their corner. Hurt people hurt people- if somebody is genuinely experiencing emotional outbursts like this, there's something really taking a toll on them. It's not your responsibility as a partner to help, but for many, emotional support is a desired goal of a romantic relationship. All you can do is love them, that's what I've found to be effective, once the reactor feels heard and loved they calm down considerably and are more reasonable and open to discussion. Remember your "I" statements, don't play the blame game, and ask your partner to practice active listening with you as you'll do the same. If someone just won't stop breaking down, they may need some serious professional help,and that's ok. Whether or not you continue that relationship? Depends. Follow your gut and if they're becomimg dangerous that's something very different. Definitely learn to identify what's lashing out and what's breaking down- one is directed out and one is directed in. Consider: is the reactor abusing themself? It's possible to do both at once, also. I just would like to add that these meltdowns are a symptom of mental illness quite often, it's important to view these situations with a bit of nuance. Your partner having feelings or being mentally ill = not abuse. Your partner lashing out, directly blaming you, hurting you, gaslighting, lying = very much abuse
Either way, the proper response isn't freaking out and having a truly childish tantrum. A lack of emotional validation can be dealt with in several different ways, and an adult conversation about sincere needs is a good place to start. As an adult individual, if you are unable to maintain a healthy emotional homeostasis with a partner, that needs to be brought up, and if the issue isn't solved in some time, the relationship might need to be ended. Obviously, it's sometimes hard to articulate such things, though I think it's the right solution
@@gblikestosew here is the thing though, nobodys feelings are your responsibility, especially if its affecting your health and peace of mind negatively
@@tito4820 no but my PARTNER? The woman I love? That person gets an extra measure of compassion in my book because she's not responsible for my feelings either but when you make the decision to choose someone for the long haul oftentimes you WANT to be there to support them. Of course you're never obligated to care, but for your partner, you do. Or at least you should- if you don't, maybe that's not the right person for you and that's okay.
@@benisjamin6583 very true. If you can't stand to be around someone or their feelings (regardless of whether or not they're genuine or made up to manipulate you) maybe just.... don't be with them
This is an important factor to remember, especially since so much emotional abuse is invisible outside of the relationship. The cool, calm partner has often gaslit the person freaking out so much, that all they can do is have a meltdown. And our society consistently rewards the gaslighter, for all the reasons described above. It is brutal torture.
I'm surprised this topic isn't spoken about more. Then again it closely ties to gaslighting, but the calmness of the gaslighter is the central component to sustain the act. This is why so many incels enjoy brushing their behaviour off as "calm" when in fact they're just abusive & gaslighting others.
"But we should bear in mind that it is (...) enitrely possible to be curel, dismissive, stubborn, harsh, wrong -- and keep ones voice utterly steady. Just as one can equally well be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent -- and have a point." So true! 👏
My favorite quote
True indeed! This should hit everyone as real!
@@chrizihart3016
Yes, best part of the video.
You are responsible for your emotions, for what you feel. If you are angry, it is not my duty to listen to you until you calm down.
Is your attachment style dismissive avoidant? This is something straight out of their playbook!
@@Alphacentauri819 you are the textbook definition of an armchair psychologist
@@Alphacentauri819dude shut up
A perspective in compassion. No one is perfect.
As a very emotional shouter, let me clue you in on why i think people shout.
As a kid they were constantly invalidated and told "Get the chip off your shoulder" - I was. When you're told that constantly, options on how to be heard feel limited.
A lifetime of abandonment trauma where people take advantage of you, or just ditch you, making you feel unwanted and unimportant- I am still struggling with this.
I was taught men were supposed to show affection and be obsessed with the women they wed, and as a result, when i am down I see signs everywhere that "he doesn't love me".-12 years into a marriage almost... and these growing pains suck.
ADHD, and rejection sensitivity and sensory overload are real things, and to not take those things into account during an argument does a disservice to the person suffering with those.
I was diagnosed with an attention deficit as a kid, and have come to notice my own symptoms. It takes time for me to get that upset, but when i do radical compassion and affection is the only thing that can calm me down. It never happens though... so I am left to self soothe, and not sleep... end up with a migraine from crying...
@Susel *grabs megaphone*
*GAAAASP* (seagull meme)
I think I’m loud when upset because my father was silent and dangerous when he was angry. I think it’s my way of saying "yes, I’m angry but I’m not going to hurt you because of it…I’m not silent and hitting"
But the marriage part…yup, I feel that. Started dealing with it as soon as we were married and still going to this day (28 years later). Best of luck to you
@@PomegranateStaindGrn I have found that I need to forgive myself, for being taught to have old, antiquated expectations about relationships, and given nothing but damsels in distress to look up to as a kid. (I was born in 86, lots of Cinderella and Snow White and even Nala from the Lion king, all lived entirely for their man)
Unfortunately, real life is not that romantic, especially in more long standing relationships. So much of it is making a choice to love someone in spite of all those flaws. I can't always blame my husband for my wack expectations, but I can ask for empathy.
At the end of the day though, my poor self image and self worth are something I have to fix, completely independently. That perspective is taking a lot of time to sink in, but I have noticed improvements in how fast I escalate into yelling, because I'm better at remembering the context of what is really going on underneath.
As someone with an outwardly calm partner who has been a serial liar and gaslighter, is narcissistic, selfish, a massive control freak, emotionally distant and withholding, and extremely CHEAP and overtly clueless about life in general, yes I have been the yeller. His brain is Teflon, nothing sticks. His heart is stone for everyone but himself. F* people like this, when it's psychological and emotional abuse. When the person who falls apart and has been serially abused, the calm one is smiling inside because they've won, that's the culmination of their power trip!
Rough road! I loved your words about the person being overtly clueless about life! I am howling on how many people don't get things! And you tell them c l e a r l y! I say they might as well have a screaming 747 fly a foot over their head, and they don't see it or hear it, you validate my observation too! TH U 😄😄😄😄😄😄
I think there’s a problem with extremities on both sides. Even if the delivery is messy, I think it’s important to not say things that can hurt the person in such a way that you can’t take back those words even after the argument is over. I know I’m the more messy person in our arguments but once I make my point I withdraw so I can allow myself time to calm down. If you argue at the peak of frustration then your thinking is more likely coming from the basal ganglia then you lose your ability to process what the other person trying to say without jumping to illogical conclusions or you both end up driving a good relationship to the ground by saying more than you should of (even if it’s in a calm voice) and it’s hard to take all those things back after the argument is over on both sides.
Thank you. This whole video is a little one sided. I stay quiet regardless of being right or wrong because I’m personally more terrified of saying something cold. Which I have done before. Live and learn doesn’t apply here I guess.
YES!!!! lashing out can cross the threshold into abuse
In this video I am "the calm one" and I was in an argument as this video was uploaded. And well, I disagree with certain ideas here, like assuming the other person is a nut case for throwing a tantrum. I don't think that way, but it becomes quite difficult to have a discussion while the other person is unable to listen and respond in a cooperative manner. For me it can be extremely stressful to deal with a person who seems to lack control over their emotions. If I lost control as well I don't think any discussion would become any more constructive.
That's great if you don't think they're not a nut case 😁 I mean, you have empathy. It helps a lot.
I agree. In this video it seems to be glossed over that it is very hard and stressful to the calm person as well.
Do they really fear the truth tho or are they just an emotional person? Most emotionally people actually get over things quickly if ur honestly with them and give them that respect. There not stupid.
Some people seem to think that just because they are losing their shit, you need to fix it. That is simply not true and I'm not interested in helping them if they're going to abuse me.
@@saltpepper7525 Not a "nut case", but emotionally instable. Such people can be very toxic. Histrionic, overly dramatic behavior is very difficult to deal with.
Those videos make me realize the lack of healthy social interactions I’ve had during my life. A person out of control can only make me think about abusive people trying to put me down. I can’t think of a person who truly loves me having this kind of reaction other than my kids as toddlers.
I don't think shouting at anyone is healthy at all, even if they're wrong. Those are indeed childish reactions
There's a difference between being enraged out of mere despotism, trying to put the other person down, and being enraged out of pain. I didn't understand it before either, until I experienced it myself; feeling so dismissed by such an important person (my mother), tbh it drove me beyond angry, I started crying and shouting without any sort of control. And I was absolutely not trying to be abusive, just very very very hurt.
My boyfriend always keeps silent when we’re fighting, he says there’s no point in driving you madder, you wouldn’t listen to me anyway, but I feel worse and crazier when he refuses to communicate and solve the issues with me 🤷♀️
Then leave him, damn
Sounds like he might have dismissive avoidant attachment style?
What’s your attachment style?
Sounds like you are making your partner shut down and emotional forcing him (knowingly or not) to be more and more detached from you.
The key quote is "My boyfriend always keeps silent when we’re fighting"...so you are telling us your boyfriend is silent when you "fight"..that means yoou are only ever the only person screaming and shouting/arguing. That isn't an argument mate, that is you screaming and yelling at someone who clearly doesnt respond well to it.
Be aware of how you treat the ma you claim to love.
My ex was like this and I she never even clocked on that I started to hate her for it, Guys gonna leave in the middle of the night at some point lol
@nffctrickett THIIIIIIIIIIIS I'm actually the calm one. I recently seperated or well my ex husband ghosted me for this reason. I DO NOOOOOOOT respond well to constant yelling, arguing, and combative energy trying to get a reaction out of me kind of person. Why i grew up in a household with a very hyper reactive, combative, hysterical for no reason using me as a psychological punching bag. ABSOLUTELY NOT use your words I've dealt with enough growing up. Some of us calm ones ACTUALLY do care that's VERY overwhelming of course we will shut down to maintain our sanity. I'm sorry I worked way too hard in therapy for 5 years including EMDR unpacking trauma it's not worth it ✌🏾
3 types of conflict styles via Gottman relationship philsophy:
- Turbulent
- Validating
- Avoidant
If anyone wants to have a healthy relationship with someone with a different conflict style (which is most likely what you'll end up with), it helps to understand that all these styles are innate and learned from a young age, and none is more valid than another (except the validating style, which is the most helpful and compatible).
Could you expand on this? I'm not sure how a conflict style can be both innate and learned.
@@caparazo3488 I'm guessing that he's referencing the nature-nurture issue; Meaning that some behaviors may be assigned at birth, and some assigned through experience as a child. They can be both innate and learned because if you were born to handle a conflict in certain way- like being turbulent, I'm guessing that the conflict style can be further reinforced through childhood experience; However, all of this is based on theory with good evidence, but it's still a theory, so it could be wrong.
This was very helpful. Made me see the, already understood, fact in a clearer light, that we're not evil, hurtful, needy people. We care too much. We love them too much. It's not pretention, it's our emotions( true, real emotions) taking over us.
If only "they" understood this, they might treat us more kindly. And not distance themselves from us. But its hard not to judge someone. Especially for people who don't know or dismiss psychological trauma, attachment styles, CPTSD theories.
Yeah. If people are raging at you incoherently, they just love you.
@@isaacfreeman1 no. I didn't mean raging, but tears, whimpering , incoherent speech...
@@isaacfreeman1 raging is bad, saying hurtful things even in emotional state is horrible. That's inexcusable. But such people are so unaware, that their emotional display is so distressful and hurtful for others. It takes them some traumatic situation in life to understand how wrong they've behaved in their lives and they could and should improve themselves.
Sometimes I feel this channel is me, coming from future, teaching my younger self about life to be a better person.
I tend to be the extremely calm person... I hadn't considered this approach, I'll try to be more understanding with the other side now
Amazing to hear this. I once knew a narcissistic physician who would deliberately use excessive calm on her most agitated patients. She told me she didn't do it to calm them down but to humiliate them. The thought pleased her no end.
This is the key point here. The incels/redpills in this thread enjoy adopting "stoicism" and "rationalism" as an excuse to triangulate their partner into abusive relationships. For instance, they will break boundaries and be disrespectful while using calmness as a shielding tactic to justify their behaviour. When their partner justifiably reacts to the pain that the incel has caused, the incel turns to "calmness" as their excuse to paint the person they are abusing as the aggressive, manipulative, or unreasonable one in the situation. This invalidates a natural response people feel to pain, causing the victim to invalidate their own suffering and stifle it in the future. Classic control tactic.
So let's get one thing clear y'all. Being calm is alright - calmness itself is not the problem here. It's the underlying disrespect, dismissal, and hatred incels/redpillers, and the Jordan Peterson types have for women, and the surface-level tactics they use to manipulate others into brushing off something that is legitimately abusive.
Just because someone is calm doesn't make them a good person.
TLDR: Forcing yourself to act calm to manipulate, dismiss, or disrespect your partner means you should be sequestered from society.
There's a limit to this "understanding". If your partner is someone who behaves this way on a regular basis, particularly with trivial issues, it can become stressful and draining for the calmer party. The "love" that the overreacting party could have for the other will eventually become overshadowed by what could become emotional abuse and/or manipulation. Those who force others to walk on eggshells shouldn't be given a free pass to continue said behavior. Eventually, they need to be held accountable for their actions/behavior and the eventual strain those actions have on the relationship.
This video seems to be trying to give a free pass to abusers.
Amen Jason Burns!! My thoughts exactly.
The thing is, two very toxic myths are accepted in modern Western culture. One, that women are "hysterical" - whether this takes the form of the conservative "women are hysterical lol" or the "progressive" "I am vulnerable and in my emotions and TOOOTALLY valid, controlling myself is the ~ patriarchy ~ UwU", and this gives a free pass to this behaviour. While portraying women as out of control children even in adulthood, which should be worrying for the "progressives" who enable it with such hypocrisy. Two, and I see this by significant contrast with Asian cultures, the romantic notion that one, regardless of gender, must always be "authentic" and "with their emotions" in a way that very much looks like being completely dominated by their subconscious and basic instincts.
Until these two myths die, until we stop believing that women are out-of-control children and people in general are little more than will-less slaves to their basic drives, European and American culture will continue to enable or even romanticise blowing up at the slightest provocation.
Or...it could be that they have an insecure attachment style.
Often a “reactive” partner has fearful avoidant attachment and the “calm” one has dismissive avoidant attachment. Until both work on their core wounds, subconscious programming and the subsequent beliefs and narratives informing their lenses and behaviors...the dance goes on.
I heard a saying once “whatever is hysterical is historical” and usually means a deep, past wound was triggered.
For some, dismissive, invalidating behavior can be a form of deep rejection and stimulate the nervous system to go into fight/flight..in this primal state, the person is not functioning as their best self, but in survival mode. Think amygdala being hijacked.
The conscious and subconscious often have competing needs and while a person can “know” consciously one thing, while in survival mode the subconscious wins out and is not always rational.
Always inquire deeper and with compassion. Of course, if it’s something you don’t care to deal with...you can always move on gracefully!
@@andrewraslan5348 Interesting observation
People don't have meltdowns out of nowhere. When I see this I see an explanation of the aftermath of abuse. The abused breaks down and feels crazy due to the extremely cold gaslighting from the other person (ie: you're crazy) when the abused has been driven there due to the actions of their abuser.
Meltdowns don't come from nowhere, but somtimes they come from pathetic reasons. And there are tons of people who ALWAYS meltdown. When it happens with different partners, it's not the partners fault. Let's just not assume that having meltodwn makes you right
Shut up abuser
@@LittleJohnnyBrown You sound like a terrible partner
@@Nova1- he is right though
Not all people who breakdown emotionally have been abused. It cathartic to be able to express your emotions to a partner, and in a safe place.
I really appreciate that no domestic trouble as a topic is too basic for a learned man like Alain. Thank you for this. It really helped since I'm usually the spirited, raging party of a fight and have felt rather guilty about myself because my partner did not even talk back until recently. I pushed him to that point, I think, and when I'm calmer, I'm full of regret and realise he's actually not all that against me. We understand each other a little more after fights. I hope the raging and wounded reactions get better someday too.
In my experience the uncalm one also thinks that the calm partner mustn't care enough!
If I’m having a discussion and someone starts yelling, cursing, and being disrespectful… the conversation is over. We should not have to accept yelling if it brings discomfort.
There’s also far too many that use emotional manipulation to get their way. There’s a difference between being grounded in ones energy and being vulnerable in their communication, or emotionally projecting your pain. No one is obligated to absorb or ‘fix’ another’s projection and meet their needs on demand.
Can you distinguish what you're talking about in this video from verbal abuse? I got worried at the end because it seemed like you were saying it's okay when people rage at you, it just means they love you...
Good point
Yeah, there's so many variables to this. It shouldn't be a bad thing to stay calm in a heated argument, because ultimately you want a calmer discussion rather than a yelling match. Nor should the aggressor be immediately seen as the misunderstood one, because some times, they can be coming from a selfish place. But also, I wouldn't assume someone yelling is automatically insane, that's not how humans work.
This is exactly what I get from it. It looks like it normalizes an angry child model of behavior
Yea fk that !
You can't both put yourself first and be kind to others. That way, you just end up with a dishonest, fake attitude, which is more disgusting than being angry.
When you always try to repress your rage and all sorts of "unacceptable" feelings, you eventually embrace complete silence, and imagine what would that be like on a larger scale.
First time I have to strongly disagree with The School of Life. “...it’s possible for a person to be cruel, dismissive, stubborn , harsh and wrong and keep one’s voice utterly steady ... Just as one can, equally well, be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent - and have a point.” (copied from Janey Brown, thanks buddy) Yeah this is absolutley true, however a person with these characteristics has definitley other problems and it seems more like a situation of an abusive relationship where the calm part purposely triggered it to actually can say "You act mad - You are wrong" which is far from a healthy relationship (Note: I have to agree with stubborn and wrong in combination with calm which shows in itself a lack of communication skills or the ability for personal growth)
If you are however in a healthy relationship and one part is unable to keep their emotions under control, to communicate in a way that is reasonable, it isn't about who is right and who is wrong but: are both parts able to talk and if they aren't - do they have the courage to step up and work on their communication skills.
Last part: The calm person should realize, that the reaction comes from "that they love and depend on us" ... With this part it just underlines that the behavior is in fact childish. Love has a certain degree of dependency which is actually good because it helps to stay connected, however you are no child. If you act the way a child does (no matter if you got a point or not) you are pushing your partner in a situation where he has 3 options. Stay away, freak out with you, stay talkactive and showing love while keeping his own ongoing emotional storm under control.
If the part that stays calm is not stubborn (and this is important, don't let your ego destroy your future) they will sooner or later want to avoid those situations because noone wants a child as a partner. So if you act like the "irrational" partner (on a regular basis! everyone freaks out from time to time) it actually is your job to fix that problem, your partner is not a parent nor a therapist (please note: no victim shaming, if you are in a emotional abusive relationship, see signs of it or whatever, get help and out; I only talk about healthy relationships)
I'm not convinced by your argument
Not reading every word of it is like being calm to someone who bothered to explain passionate with hope of being understood.
I believe the calm partner can also be acting as a child. I've seen and been around both types of children. I was a very calm child myself.
It's the same as what happens when people make fun of women who get too much plastic surgery, without realizing that it is the constant bullying that gets them to this very sad self-hating state. It's like they put all of their sadness and anger and frustration on their face. And then all people do in response is point and laugh. Same dynamic.
wow this video was made for my past relationship I swear. It’s so painful.
*“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Wishing is not enough, we must do”* - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Love from a small channel💙
Me when sad : cry
Me when angry : cry while trying to put my point 😂
lol
I bet you cry when you get caught cheating too
@@MrSpvdes that's out of line sir
@@qpSubZeroqp thanks for that 🌸 I just don't engage with trolls 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not really sure what I expected watching this, but it is a really good topic. I was disappointed by the conclusion though. I believe in most cases and I'll admit bias, but these are not situations that are mostly one off. In my last two relationships, BOTH relationships, consecutive, most of our times were spent in these situations. Them falling apart, and me attempting to be a light and a steady place for them, not occasionally, CONSTANTLY, I don't think the roles will ever reverse but I would never have even gotten the chance TO fall apart with either of them. They WANTED to be that person it's how they expressed themselves and they wanted me to stand or sit there and catch it all. If I seemed too taxed not invested enough then they turned on ME I'm the problem now, all the insults and bashing are they supposed to make me try harder!? It gets old, it wears you down, it tears you down, their emotions unhealthily become YOUR emotions, you start to feel responsible for what is their responsibility and that is what they want. If my partner becomes overwhelmed one day, baby come here, cry scream be the biggest baby, I'll rock you back we can talk about it all. But every week, multiple times a week, and it gets worse and worse because I'm getting burned out, there are no ups anymore it's all down. My very last relationship, they started to attempt to provoke violence with vile words and throwing, shoving, slapping, to get more of a reaction. This video should be a bit more inclusive, not saying every relationship is bad but there are a lot more broken people than healthy people. This video almost has a tone that the person who has more control of their emotions should take responsibility for the uncontrolled emotions of the other, and sure I'd extend myself out there again, but it is not a sustainable measure, and it very easy and likely to become abused.
It sounds like you didn’t know how to self advocate. You become a co-conspirator in how things go, if you don’t verbalize calmly and clearly your needs and boundaries.
Those are skills to learn.
If you act as a placater, that in itself can be a controlling behavior and very inauthentic. Instead of the goal being connection, understanding and authentic relating...the goal becomes to try to control the dynamic (by suppressing your voice and needs) to get the other to stop.
Disconnection will always result, in some form or another and then you’ve become the propane...not the water. What we resist persists. Our fear is so powerful, and when we act out of that...we derail our ultimate big-picture goals.
The first time that someone freaks out...is the time to look at your own relating, needs and boundaries.
Were you listening, receptive, encouraging them to “tell me more”...or were you in alarm mode (subconscious perceiving imminent conflict) and you shutdown and get calm, in order to stop things from escalating?
Did you say something like “I want a relationship that feels safe”...and then define what that means to you (as everyone defines things VERY differently). “I want a relationship where there is reciprocity”...and then define that.
Your boundaries can be as simple as “if you yell at me, I feel unsafe and need to leave the area”. Boundaries are healthy, guidelines, and never punitive. They are a tool for self advocation. Many of us weren’t taught how to implement healthy boundaries or how to communicate what we need (and how those needs can be met). Those are both imperative for a healthy, safe relationship.
Do you know your attachment style?
We all form attachment styles based on our parenting. We attract others based on this too. If we don’t look deeper, and address the underlying issues..it’ll keep happening.
My biggest empowerment, sense of agency, came from learning my attachment style and working on it.
The Personal Development School RUclips channel was life changing.
I still have a ways to go...but I’m at a much better place!
Wish you well 💫
@@Alphacentauri819 I disagree with you on some points.
First, you frame the situation under the assumption that whoever you are talking to is automatically correct. This is an improper assumption to make, as the person expressing the "extreme" reaction could be doing one of two things: (1) legitimately reacting to pain caused by the other party, (2) illegitimately over-reacting in a way that seeks to intimidate the other party. Men are most likely to do (2), and women doing (2) doesn't make sense because the underlying implication is physical intimidation. As a result, attributing (2) to this situation doesn't make sense because you're giving advice to someone statistically more likely to win in a fight.
Next, you incorrectly conceptualize boundaries by solely examining boundaries in the context where someone is expressing a justified reaction to pain. When a reaction is justified, the person will calm down, but the answer isn't to shut them out and then claim "boundaries". Lets take an example. Person A cheats, Person B is justifiably upset about it and emotionally confronts person A. Person A claims "my boundaries" and removes themselves, letting person B know that (1) their reaction isn't appropriate (when it is), and (2) that person A will not tolerate any criticism. Do you see the problem here.
You seem to be giving specific advice while missing the underlying context by which conflict emerges, which is inherently in itself a method for advocating for the continued gaslighting and abuse of people.
Therefore, the first step would be to address the context, assess, and communicate. This is where the problem emerges - the offender who plays it cool doesn't have the empathy or respect for their partner to address their partner's boundaries in the first place, thereby provoking a response. Here is where people need to differentiate and assess whether someone is selfish, narcissistic, or - if their boundary is legitimate.
This is where you make another critical error, by suggesting to OP that they withdraw and set up walls and distance themselves from the situation after the first time their partner expresses a reaction to something. That is a classic example of what this video is talking about. That is exactly what you shouldn't do.
Plenty of people use basic psychobabble play to their "enlightened rational victim" complex. Jordan Peterson is a great example.
Perfect timing. Thank you School of Life.
I’m autistic and my meltdowns look a lot like this, and they become much worse when I’m responded to this way. I literally just need to let it out and it will be done momentarily if I’m supported respectfully, but it becomes a full-on trauma response freak out when I’m treated coldly or talked down to. I really appreciate this video and I wish more people were aware of what’s happening to me in these difficult moments
I'm the calm one and my wife was more "dramatic". We rarely got into an issue, but the few times it did, we quickly learned to respect each other's difference. I gave her room to vent and act childish without judging, and she understood that I wasn't going to emotionally respond but I would actively listen to her. It came down to understand each others intent and expectations. At first I felt like I had to fix the situation by helping her calm down, but she was trying to feel validated and my "trying to calm her down" came across as being dismissive.
This... So much of this. Hurt
Anyone else wishing their calm ex could see this?
This is something I believe to some degree, everyone experiences. Either in the blink of an eye, or longer. I can relate to these interpersonal struggles. Thank you for this video.
This is my issue. I'm calm and it causes issues. I hate yelling and fighting.
Did you grow up in a household where there was a lot if arguing and fighting?
@@Leo-mr1qz yes
Same :/
Is your attachment dismissive avoidant? Or fearful avoidant?
@@Alphacentauri819 I'm not about immaturity.
My husband is calm. But not cold or distant. I am very talkative and bubbly but have no problem giving him the space he needs. We have a happy balance.
Not cold or distant...and that’s at the heart of it all.
You feel safe. You feel ok to be you.
The calm that can escalate, is very dismissive, invalidating and feels unsettling.
At times it can feel as destabilizing as if you’re in the ocean struggling, and you yell out for a lifesaving ring. You don’t yell too panicked at first, because a person is there. However, the panic rises when it’s like they’re standing there, life saving device in hand...just staring at you like “what’s your problem”...desperation grows & more primitive survival methods surface.
The beauty is, with healing my attachment style..I can spot the dismissive type & also am no longer attracted. I also have done the work on healing my core wounds (that would be triggered by that behavior).
So much of it was unconscious. My childhood had some very tough aspects & I never learned to communicate needs, boundaries well. Had to conform often to others. When I’d finally have too much I ignored in myself, I’d explode.
Learning to listen deeply to my needs, validate myself, has been extraordinary.
Too often, people are unaware of what they bring into the relationship. Generally they’re not trying to be pains.
Often...they’re just deeply hurting children, wrapped in an adult suit, wishing they could just “get it together”.
Sounds like you guys both have secure attachment styles. What a blessing 💫
I wish I had seen this when I was younger
As a person who's mother told them they almost never cried, got mad, sad, or excited, I was under the impression that people "acted" certain ways, like "crying" because that's what you're supposed to do. I never realized people feel emotions that cause them to cry. Everyone described me as "calm". To the point that one of the few times in my life that I felt pissed off, I put a mild amount of snippiness in my voice. This almost no one picked up on this minor nuance except life long family and friends. I was told "it was scary, I've never seen you mad".
After talking to some therapists, I have emotions. I'm just so "rational" that it overpowers my emotions. Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm still calm, but now I know that different people are different. As this video says, it doesn't mean they're malicious, they're just overwhelmed by emotions.
The flip side of this is I can feel extreme duress but not express it. Because I don't do any of the "normal" emotional expressions of sadness, grief, etc, few people can read me. Even if my "emotional state" is clam, my body will respond. I'll get adrenaline rushes, extreme apathy(not not depression), sleep issues, etc. But if you talk to me, I seem like a perfectly "happy" person.
This calm vs emotional outcome is explained in detail in What You Feel You Can Heal by John Gray Phd. He explains the calm are actually suppressing their emotions to such a degree, that the connected partner / family member / close relative is actually compensating for the suppression and is actually acting out the intense emotional burden of both people. I highly recommend the book and the exercises to learn to avoid suppression and tell the honest truth.
This advice could easily lead to people accepting emotional abuse. Anyone who is upset needs validation in the moment but repeated unacceptable behavior shouldn't be excused either.
People who are always calm are genuinely ones who are down to earth. A lot easier to talk to on a deep level. And almost like they have an unspoken understanding with others who share the same traite. Just a personal thing ive noticed over years. I like to people watch 🙂 i used to be the stressed out shouting crazy one, but ended up overcoming that part of me and i find staying calm is always a good way to look at a situation in a smarter way. I get it, its tough when u feep ur losing it, but honestly, try stay calm in any situation. And if u lose it, look within. Say to yourself, chill, take a breathe, walk it off. Just think, this is something of a challenge, i want to be better at it, and overcome it that way 😉 I know there must be a lot of people saying well that sounds easy, but isnt, to you I say, Its a challenge, calm down 🙃lol
My ex spouse was one of the calmest, most forgiving people I've ever known. One time I accidentally spilled water on his laptop and felt horrible, but he wasn't even angry. I made sure to tell him how incredible that was and that I, a much more emotional and emotionally volatile person, wanted to be more like him.
Then, one of the only times he got visibly angry, he punched a hole in our wall.
Then, he left our marriage with zero warning or communication, including all of our - and HIS - friends at that time, my family who welcomed him when his family cut him off for leaving his religious beliefs, and more.
All of that made me realize he wasn't calm and easygoing, he just appeared that way, because his entire family is so passive aggressive and allergic to conflict (including healthy conflict, that should be expected when people, who are separate, unique individuals, team up). It all calls to mind the adage "Never trust a quiet man."
That was years ago, but this video brings up a lot of memories and feelings. I'm much more in control of my emotions now (and was NEVER even close to punching a hole in a wall, calling him names, etc), especially after being diagnosed with and treated for a neurological delay that I didn't realize was making it much harder to regulate them. Your suggestions are spot-on exactly how me-from-six-years-ago was dying to be responded to, but didn't know how to ask for.
Adult behaving hysterically with their partners can lead to domestic violence. Unless you have mental health issues, you don't have any reason to be hysterical during argument with your partner.
Domestic violence is an example of someone is highly unconscious.
Hysteria never calls for domestic violence.
Anyone who acts hysterical is triggered into their childhood core wounds..that’s why it can come across so primitive and desperate.
They do have some form of mental health issues! Same with an overly “calm” partner. Who often has a dismissive avoidant attachment style.
They both are acting out of fears, not out of mature and healthy love.
Both attract one another due to their unresolved wounding. Hence, why some people attract certain traits again and again. The person we attract mirrors back (and often triggers) our unresolved “stuff”. Once that is addressed, and only then, can we attract secure attachment style type partners.
Insecure attachment style usually attracts insecure attachment style (even though the styles will be different).
They both echo back a familiar (although not healthy) narrative from childhood. We wouldn’t consciously chose this, but...then again, the subconscious mind is responsible for 95% of what we do! It behooves us to get that sorted, so we have more agency over our lives...rather than being run on autopilot by the programs handed down to us in childhood.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU AND THANK YOU.
As someone who could have been considered the "calm" one in past relationships where I was screamed at, grabbed at, and cried at -- I developed this behavior as a defense mechanism.
Because whenever I would get even mildly frustrated, it would only make the other parties more enraged. And so, infuriated that we could never just DISCUSS something without me getting either gaslit, guilted, or screamed at... I sort of stopped reacting properly to fights altogether.
If I can't properly express myself, my own agitation to a repetitive situation I cannot escape becomes this dismissive mess. It upsets me.
Just the sound of Alain’s voice calms me 😌
“...simply it is because they love and depend on us very much...”
😔
The absolute worst that will drive me over the edge is my partner laughing while I'm yelling. So the calmness drives my emotions further then the laugh or smirk will tip me over the edge and I really get hysterical
Get some help
There's a sort of flip side of this, called gaslighting.
When you see you're being gaslighted. Use the gray rock method.
The soothing voice of the voice-over guy always makes me feel like everything is going to be alright
Strawman arguement. Emotional control is every adult's responsability. Inner agony over petty matters simply doesn't help.
Spoken like a true dismissive avoidant!
If there was something that drove my past relationship to a breakup is the fact that I didn’t feel understood when problems arose. He was calmed while I was hysterical. And he at least would try to find a solution, but I hate finding a solution without being felt first. Without acknowledging my pain. I felt as if he was just getting from problem to solution to avoid the uncomfortable situation. I think we loved each other we just didn’t know how. I ended up being abusive to him which didn’t do any good. I know sometimes I tend to act irrational but that’s because there are things that triggered me that were a reflection of my pain but it’s just something he will never understand. I’m sad that he won’t as I will never understand how he always seemed so calmed about my pain.
Good overall lessons but way too much focus on crying as the definition of loss of control. What about the shouting, threats and rage?
You can justify crying, but you can't justify hitting and threats. Funny how they don't address how often they go hand in hand
@@LittleJohnnyBrown this video is insanely biased. Not even considering why someone chooses to keep calm. Just “you make the other person feel inferior”
@@blackguythompson yes. As if the calm one feels nothing. It's boiling inside
@@LittleJohnnyBrown I think dr Gottman calls this flooding. It is an intense emotional reaction, but it’s happening underneath. It short circuits any ability for a person to “hear” another, because in “flooding” you are in fight/flight/freeze. Ironically, so is the other person...they just respond in fight while you respond in freeze. Both are very primitive, ineffective ways, for solving problems. They both have their own ways of escalating conflict.
A dismissive avoidant is likely to do the freeze, or shutdown, and a fearful
avoidant is more likely to do the fight (or verbal outburst)...both are seeing something in the situation as threatening to their safety (primal reaction to a saber tooth tiger) and respond in subconscious ways.
Both need intense healing. Both severely sabotage connection...which is the basis for good relationship. If you can’t “relate” well, either shutdown or too volatile...there’s not much there for a genuine, authentic, safe relationship.
This line drawing animation is mesmerizing
This message makes sense in the context of an otherwise healthy relationship. I could see myself being robotically calm and cynical about considering my own mistakes when my partner would be freaked out about it, and since I just can’t fake an emotional disturbance that’s not there, I will just have to sit out the freak out patiently, trying not to say anything provocative. But as several others comment, this kind of behavior might very well be abusive, consistently untimely and vengeful if the relationship is not otherwise healthy. Then you need to gtfo asap.
What you describe is a lack of empathy for your partner and a high level of defensiveness in general.
@@olenabogdanov Yup that's me :D This only goes for violent emotional attacks though. Otherwise I listen and care. And there are different kinds of fits of rage, one where it's an outburst, max 2-3 days, after which one moves on in level headedness, and then there's the other scorched earth tactic that will use the damage of the continuous rage as an argument for why you need to obey, and they never actually move on, and make sure to prove that they can flare up at any moment again, to instill fear in you. My last chick was more of the second than the former, which is why I ended it.
Anxious attachment and dismissive avoidant attachment
I love how the entire comment section is simply full of philosophers.
One of the most solid, factual, and unbiased explanations I’ve ever heard. I feel understood for once in my life.
(If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t care enough to exert the energy necessary to go off my rocker yelling and crying and trying to explain myself to you-in 40 different ways, hoping maybe you’ll understand ONE of them. It means that resolving this situation is immensely important to me. Nay-it’s “a matter of life or death” to me. 😔)
i get called cold because I dont get upset when and after I've been yelled at. I keep a cool and level head try to listen and be understanding.. somehow it's cold to do so
If you were actually listening and understanding...you wouldn’t be called cold, when you’re calm.
How much validation, and open inquiry, receptivity you show...equals warmth, even when calm. There’s a world of difference.
THANK YOU
As a calm person, I would be likely to say "I can't respond to everything you're worried about. What's one thing that you'd like to start with?" Then I'd try to acknowledge the emotion behind their reactions to that one issue, before also trying to figure out a change that's possible." E.g. "You feel like I'm being snobbish when I don't want to come to the football with you. What is it about me coming to the football that's so important to you?" "Would you be happy if I came to some football matches but not all of them?"
Unfortunately your way of questioning, sounds as if you’re above the other... almost like an annoyed boss.
That kind of detached, logistical realm, can feel even more invalidating.
I personally know what I need and want and I would just send you on your way, not bothering with you...just as much as I wouldn’t bother with anyone overly hysterical. Both feel taxing, inauthentic and disconnecting.
Do you have dismissive avoidant attachment style?
If you interspersed those questions, with understanding, validation....and also vulnerably sharing your needs and boundaries, that’s better.
However, it’s as if you don’t understand relationships.
@@Alphacentauri819 Yes, you're probably right. It does sound more like I'm helping the person rather than exploring the issue. I'm not wanting to be dismissive but I do try to avoid being too emotional.
@@Alphacentauri819 good job sounding exactly like you say he sounds
@@LittleJohnnyBrown am i trying to have a close relationship with them?
That’s the difference sweetheart.
I’m a random person on the Internet, kind of hard to achieve a truly intimate emotional connection that way.
It’s like expecting me to interact the same way a supportive spouse would, to one of my patients...it’s not the same. I come from an observational realm and see where things are off. For me to try to take the role of the partner, would be highly inappropriate (and unprofessional).
I’ve been in medicine since the ‘90’s.
I interact differently depending on who I’m interacting with. With patients and family, it’s one way...close friends and family, another, it’s called appropriate boundaries.
Good day.
Very good video as usual. I'm definitely wired to think before I feel, very useful in a crisis not so great when surprised by someone in a highly emotional state. Especially difficult when there is a expectation to quickly respond, understand, validate and de-escalate. A calm response is sometimes just natural for a deep thinking person as you try to process and understand, and calm doesn't mean not in pain or distraught due to the conflict. Although calm in an argument I will be haunted and distressed by that event for days or weeks later once my heart catches up to my head!
This should not be confused with verbal abuse. I was the calm partner and had to listen to verbal tirades whenever he was bothered by even something minor.
Also, I had another very calm ex partner also who was exceedingly neglectful on purpose, and made me feel like I was crazy. This advice really only works in a healthy relationship, and the instances should be infrequent, as the partners should have good communication regarding their needs.
Intent is important. There is a bit difference between emotional manipulation and decompression.
This is my one of the most constructive lessons.... Thank you so much🌹
My ex was too calm. I'm pretty calm generally but my life started falling apart. My family were having problems, my dad is an alcoholic making my mom suicidal, my classes weren't going well and I failed a couple of them, and I felt like my head was going to explode. My "calm" partner couldn't handle all the "drama" and me being upset so he threw me out of our home because he wanted "peace". Am I crazy or is that really screwed up? I don't trust calm people, I think they are sociopaths from my experience.
Lol I’m calm and I find it really hard cos if someone hits me I don’t even get mad I do but I doesn’t show, I used to have anger issues now I have calmness issues
Yes..the calmer one are sociopaths
So he's the wrong one for being calm because your life was in shambles?
From experience those who kick a big fuzz, shout and scream at another person expect everything to go their way and only their way.
They are also usually those who dont care about other peoples feelings and believe that once they get what they want they have won, when in fact they only got what they want because they have successfully made everyone feel horrible about themselves.
What do you think people do when they shout? Most of the times just insults and attacks, rarely is it ever logical and fair.
If you have anything youre unhappy about, communicate your emotions early on before you feel the need to yell at anyone. No one should constantly receive verbal abuse in a relationship.
My ex partner would never try to show anything... Bc he could "lost it" anyway he would be the one saying he would leave, he wouldn't care much and saying he couldn't handle any better the situation...
I wish I hadn't spent 4 years on that dehumanizing situation....
Videos like this r so full of kindness......
It is not okay to shout at someone, regardless of gender and age, during an arguement.
We also been thought to remain civilized and keep calm in instances wherein major stressors are involved but it can not always happen. Not everyone has the same tolerance for stress, so it is better we should have a great amount of empathy and understanding for others.
In some situations, it is harder to stay calm and be rational when we are under a tight situation where it is almost impossible to descalate the situation to avoid saying painful words that may hard someone for a lifetime.
Everyone has different limitations and tolerance for withstanding stressful situations, so at almost always we should remain collected and understanding for everyone's point of view.
What a great video! I have seen this dynamic and it is SO REAL!
Being the calm one I realised my partner used to steamroll me into things I did not want to do whenever I used to argue my case being the very dramatic one she is.
I went into stage 2 where I told her I will not be pulled into emotional outbursts. No man can make their point in this state.
Now, I just tell her, calm down and lets talk about it, and I go about my business.
Putting my foot down almost cost us the relationship. But I had to do it to reclaim my sanity. Now it is much much better.
This is how you build relationships. There are people who just drive blind and if there's noone to grab a wheel in the right moment, everyone is going to crash
Hi, I'm from Argentina and your videos are incredible, specifically those of authors of philosophy or literature, I ask from abroad to continue making those videos, they are amazing.
It's almost as if being being calm is villainized in this reasoning. Imagine having the emotional capacity to actually be calm only to end up being told by this video that you either, lack compassion or not being understanding enough.
Right??
This video is actually really toxic. Its basically saying hey calm person take abuse. Whereas the people who are calm fucking learned how to control the shit abusive people cant, because they were emotionally abused in the past.
Personally, I do not believe in screaming or throwing tantrums. If you have something to say come to once you've cooled down. Im not gonna play games with someone who can't even hold their shit together. There are exceptions to this such as extremely traumatic situation having occurred etc. But.. mmm no this video is basically like Abuse is ok!
Exactly.
Then literally verbalize your compassion! Don't be mute like a telephone pole or cemetery headstone!!! Speak your compassion if you profess to have it. I am tired and have had my fill of blank people who looked like they had heart, but could not even articulate any words towards a heart wrenching situation!!!! Silence! , when a person needs universal compassion, on sorrow that would bring a fellow human to the ground and leave them destroyed? Yes, I do not see anything from their side that comes close to acts of compassion!
@@sherryrobinson7389 its not anyone jobs to regulate your emotions especially if you aren't making it clear what your needs are. I cannot read someone's mind nor will I be manipulated by someone's inability to control their fucking shit and trauma. Thats what therapy is for. I am no one's therapist.
Compassion goes both ways. If you are throwing a tantrum you aren't showing me compassion.. yet want it in return? Lol no.
@@sherryrobinson7389 you tell someone to verbalize their compassion as if they're given a chance to do so, realize that a lot of arguments are not started by these "calm" people it's often those that are emotionally distress. Now imagine you're living in your own state of calm and all of the sudden you're bombarded with a lot of spite-filled words. That sudden break of peace is traumatising as it is and now you demand them to verbalize compassion? It's like telling a traumatised person to speak against their abusers straight in the face.
During the final conversation of my relationship, I was the calm one, but I could certainly have acted with more understanding and compassion, regardless of whether it would’ve saved us. I hope she has found a man who is more elevated in this way, and I hope to act with better character in the future.
I felt so unheard that i am thinking it's my fault all the time, that there's something wrong in me why people keep leaving
Edit: i grow up where everybody were shouting and lashing out their anger
Speaking from the shouter perspective, I totally understand that it isn’t the right way to go about it but years of not being listened to by your parent due to the you’re the child and I’m the adult relationship really messes with the way you think and articulate yourself cause now I’ve led myself to believe that the only way of being heard is to scream above that person cause I feel like I wouldn’t be heard and even if I am heard I’m constantly thinking and doubting myself if my feelings are valid or if I’m articulating myself properly and then the tears kicks in cause the rush of the emotions I’m feeling is just too much and I don’t know how to decipher / work through that and I get that it’s not the other persons job to deal with that I’m just saying ITs HARD to control your emotions and stay calm when you’re not used to it.
Ester perel has a good episode on her podcast that deals with this. She meets a couple where the man thinks the woman gets hysteric when he himself is calm and the bigger, more mature person. He describes her as a Lamborghini that goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. He soon realizes that a car can’t accelerate without the ignition key. I highly recommend that podcast episode for anyone that resonated with this video. It is called “It is very hard to live with a saint”
That just equates a woman to an object. She reacts to an action(or lack of it) but has no will of her own? If you need a driver, hire someone. If you need a partner, you goddamn drive sometimes
Hi! Thank you for your recommendation, I would love to hear the podcast but when I searched it, I couldn't find it. Could you send me a link, please? Thanks again!
Some people just can't handle their emotions. Many people do lose their temper over ridiculous issues. Which is fine, but it's not the calm partner's fault
@@LittleJohnnyBrown She is not an object. She has a will of her own which she is attempting to express. He dismisses her and makes her out to be the bad person (compared to the noble and mature man he is). Then he punishes her for being the bad person. That threatens the way she views herself since the accusations are false which makes her even more angry. It causes an explosive reaction from her, but he can only focus on the fire and not what made it ignite. Much as in this SoL video, it’s often the case that the “manic” partner feels that the battle has been fought so many times without results, and now the stakes are so high. Everything is a battle and every fight (read discussion or disagreement) is a threat. Maybe they fought the same battles while growing up and they didn’t have power to change things. The feeling of helplessness will come back, and the Lamborghini is revved up from 0-100 in a second.
The “manic” partner needs to learn how to properly assess danger, and the “calm” partner needs so develop the desire to understand what is really being said, respectfully.
@@ana-biancaonisei7392 Hi! Oh it is called Where should we begin with Ester Perel. The episode is called It is very hard to live with a saint. I tried sending a link but it didn’t work..
i spent my childhood and teenage years as the Hysteric one and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i wish that the people around had forced me into a hug instead of withdrawing from and antagonising me, because then i expected everyone else to act the same. it was always lack of love that drove me to it