How to Help Those We Love
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- Loving someone isn’t enough to guarantee we will know how to care for them. For this, we need to learn to understand the distinctive way in which they need our love to manifest itself in order for it to feel real to them.
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The School of Life is the emotional education platform I never had but needed the most as a younger growing person.
I feel you buddy
Agreed . . . I am still growing and find it wonderful now.
This makes me feel glad to have this as a growing person
yes. me too.
I feel you
I think most people can agree, the worst way to try and make someone feel better is to tell them that other people have it worse and that they should count their blessings.
I hate it when people say that :(
I hate that too! Other people may have it worse and that isn't a lie, but everybody has had different experiences in their lives and that determines what they can and cannot handle.
to me, everybody's problems are as bad as and important as mine own.
regardless of how petty they may seem.
That only makes the receiver feel guilty for feeling the hurt, and bottle up their problems
It always sounds like "Oh hey, that guy in the van tied you up in the basement, tortured and raped you every day for 3 months. Well at least it wasn't a year. Just cheer up"
"The clearest clue of the kind of help our partner wants is the help they offer us" *claps* well said
Just like the 5 love languages!!
@@evelinbalint5619 I was thinking the same thing
I don't understand this line. Can someone please explain this to me?
@@kingshukcsI believe it is saying that the way your supporter treats you, is how they also would like to be treated or supported. If they give you words of encouragement, it may mean they would like words of encouragement themselves 🤔
I believe that is what he meant with that phrase...
@@cwi9261 I get it now
Yep, I'm very much a 'solutions' kind of guy. When someone brings me a problem I immediately go about trying to fix it. Can barely help myself. And far too often it's not what the person needs. I've really only just become aware of the problem and a couple of other ways of dealing with it. This video has pointed out a bunch of others that I'll have to experiment with. Thanks!
You should read my response to Marie Nimo, but in short, I've noticed that it is sometimes more logical to let somebody else do the thinking, even if you have the most productive and time efficient model; this is generally because of the effort that they can further undertake in the assignment. Trust me, it's hard to let a less productive and logical idea pass by our radars, but in certain scenarios can actually be more beneficial.
-Alex
Jamie Dunbar me too!!! Our entire lives we just want to solution in our desperate attempt to help. It's so hard not to, I'm so glad to learn from school of life
Bystander232
your comment is awesome!
Bystander232 this right here is what I needed to read.. it's hard for ppl around me to not go on about themselves when I just need to be the one to speak and feel ok to feel in that moment.. I end up feeling worse sometimes after I talk with them cause I don't feel I was listened to *sigh* you understand that and I feel better (oddly) after reading your comment. Thanks a million for this 🙏
Omg I feel you!! It happens in a blink of an eye! How I handle it now is asking people if they want to my full help to solve this issue. Mostly its 'its okay, no need' but sometimes they say they do, and when they get helped they start to glow! So amazing to see you have the same ability
Optimism and cuddles. That's what I love when I'm low.
Me too T_T
Same here
But my boyfriend lives too far for cuddles ;_;
all i do is slayer, or hang out with friend
Actually I figured out I'm the listening one and cuddling one, I rant a lot..lol.
"It seems love can't remain at the level of intentions alone. It must involve constant strenuous efforts to translate our wishes into interventions truly aligned with the psychology and history of another human being." Period sis.
1:40 Listening
3:29 Solutions
4:48 Optimism
5:05 Pessimism
5:44 Cuddles
Ronja Instanes thank you x
thanksss
But how do you know which one to choose?
thnks
its a mixture of all, in different consistency according to the emotional state of the person
"Nothing soothes pain like human touch.”
- Last words of Bobby Fischer, Chess Grandmaster (d. 2008)
That's why we're all in so much pain during covid
I hate being touched it makes me feel uncomfortable
@@xrenegade87xchannel88 touch is related to trust, if you don't trust that person well, it can be uncomfortable.
@@mr_salmon8990 no you're wrong its not that at all it's just that don't like the warmth that comes from others touching me
@@xrenegade87xchannel88 oh, that's interesting, I guess it's different for everyone.
I need all of them simultaneously I'm a mess
Same.
jusk I'm sure you'll find the person willing to fulfill your needs someday.
ickalo I did. Ya'all need to get a grip.
+jusk Well, that's good then. I'm happy for ya.
linguaphile 100% looking for work, frustrated with life in general
The polar bear was so cute!
Ikr
I'm a listening and cuddles kind of guy.
I'm the listening and cuddling type too.
Very true, though personally, besides grunting like a neanderthal in the last rep, I also ocassionally need human contact.
Marry me.
Hi.
Same here
WHY ARE ALL YOUR VIDEOS SO PERFECT YOU"VE HELPED ME SO MUCH IN ALMOST ALL YOUR VIDEOS THANK YOU
It is difficult to love those who don't want OUR love. It is especially distressing when we want to help the one we love, but they don't want OUR help, but the help of someone else, someone who they love, and want to share their problems with. One thing I also realized that when I started taking mature actions towards others with the help of your videos, I realized that people around me didn't respond well to it, especially because they didn't know that what I was now doing, was something that would benefit them in the long run.
I know I don't always say nice things and I do nitpick on random people and channels.
I'll be serious here.
This video hit home in the way an arrow hits a target in a dark room with airplane jets spinning.
I can watch this. I feel moved by this. I know this is a valuable lesson and yet, I feel like I can not implement this in a healthy way. That fills me with despair.
Maybe one day the lesson of this video will sink in.
it can be a lot to take in and grasping all of that doesn't always happen at once. let it percolate.
Well. at least you are feeling bad. That is a start.
This video just clarified the fact that I could have handled my last relationship a hell of a lot better than I thought I did. This kills me, haha...aww man, Alexis, I wish I could've gotten to you somehow without my ego getting in the way.
"The clearest clue of the kind of help our partner wants is the help they offer us."
This video is very poignant for me because I recently was a bit offended when my help and comfort was rejected and it seems to go against the notion I quoted above. My dog died. I was sad. My girlfriend comforted me by offering a hug, which I gladly accepted. A month later she was remembering some family members she lost. She started to cry. I offered a hug. She vehemently rejected it. I felt rejected.
mabey she was copying your way of soothing?
Kraftian Games I don't understand
I do this when I get really-really depressed and sad. I just need to be alone and I cope better this way than when someone is trying to talk or cuddle. And walking alone is really how I cope best with thoughts..After the sadness is over and I forget the bad thoughts I am overwhelmed with the feeling of affection and cuddles and would gladly accept hugs. Just some people cope differently with sadness I guess. *shrugs* it's weird. Only exception to that is. When I feel alone and sad.. That's when I want a big hug.
you should feel lucky! Your girlfriend understands what you need, and gives you what you try to offer.
On top of that, what she needs may change from time to time. It really is a difficult task to understand our partners.
Ludix147 It is and it's frustrating. Especially these crazy ass women
These videos can soothe the rage in me as simple as blowing out a candle. Exquisite content, beautifully delivered!! I've learned alot about me, my own relationship and even the person whom I'm in love with and wish to spend my life with; only possible by seeing the problems outwardly, and letting certain emotions go in order to understand the situation objectively. You guys are a blessing to anyone or any couple going through a hard time in life. Thank you so so so so so much, sincerely.
School of Life, you never fail to impress. I have often found myself annoyed by people's false optimism over different issues, and in times of need I long for someone who is frank, and has a realistic interpretation of what's really going on. I also can't stand when people claim to understand how you feel when it is clear that they don't. Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone is listening and that they care.
this also alludes to "love languages" - the way in which your partner feels cared for and appreciated, as listening to their problems in either a passive (understanding, quiet, sympathetic) vs active (finding solutions, brainstorming, bringing up things they've mentioned in the past to help) way could really help in getting to know the best way to make your friend/family/s.o feel listened to and helped. thing is, you can't help those who refuse to help themselves, so even trying one version at a time, a variety of listening techniques, and mixing them up, throughout months of hard work and determination -- it'll ultimately be their own actions that help them, no matter what you say/do. you can't spend all your time trying to pull someone up, when they're clinging so close to the stable comfort of rock bottom.
Oh School of Life! We forgot your birthday! How ungrateful... It was on the 9th of September, wasn't it?? I will definitely eat a cake for you today:-) Thank you so much for all your efforts and sacrifices and for improving our lives immensely! I hope you all live at least a hundred years! ( I mean in case you want to. ) Thank you for this wonderful lesson too! May be I would add just one little thing. And I guess most introverted friends like myself would agree with this one:
What some people need the most when they are suffering is just silence and solitude. Not because they don't love you or trust you enough, but because they just want to sit down and think properly about what it is happening. In that case the greatest help you can offer them is " NOT to take this personally" . Because if you do so, it will create another huge emotional pressure. Just trust in their capacity to heal themselves and let them be alone for as long as they need. They will be back.
As long as you clearly and consistently make it obvious you are there to listen at length if that is what their preferred soothing pattern is. I happen to like people to offer to accompany me in my suffering and to offer (without me asking) to listen and to give me their insights but many rushes (out of love and respect) to leave me alone thinking that this is the polite thing which some people including me at times can interpret as not caring enough.. Communication is key, I suppose, I ought to express clearly what I prefer and they ought to express what they prefer. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOL! SO SO SO MANY THANKS for enhancing and even saving our lives!
Hallo Lua, wie geht's? Ich vermüsse dich ( I hope this "vermüsse" is correct.). Te echo de menos, en español. Bueno, felicitaciones a The School of Life (9 de septiembre?)! Entre otras cosas, me puso en contacto con vos. Si vivieras en São Paulo, Brasil, te invitaría a tomar un café (brasileño) (sé que te gusta el café, pues ya me lo dijiste en otra ocasión) y podríamos charlar durante horas; estoy seguro que me escucharías (you must be a good listener), ahora bien, yo intento serlo (a good listener). La mayoría de las personas que conozco no sabe serlo: si le dices que tenés dolor de cabeza, te dicen que ellos tienen un tumor cerebral. Si le dices que tenes un hermano viciado en cocaina, ellos tienen una hermana y un primo que usan heroina,LSD, etc. No te escuchan, solo quieren hablar para demostrar "su sabedoría" o escuchar su propia voz (qué sé yo!). Así es la cosa por acá (conmigo), y bueno sigo estudiando alemán con Duolingo (tu sugerencia), pero todavía es muy básico: como dicen los italianos - piano, piano se va lontano - Ich hoffe es. Saludos de un paraguayo en Sampa!
Correction: sabiduría no "sabedoría" (influencia del portugués). We are not immune, unfortunately.
Selamun aleykum Yarah! Thanks a lot for your message. I do agree. Have a nice weekend:-)
Hola Humberto! Muchas gracias por tu mensaje. Me alegro mucho de que sigas aprendiendo el aleman. Realmente es un idioma muy impresionante. Claro que me hubiera gustado tomar un cafe con vos, si no hubiese un oceano en medio:-)
Entiendo muy bien lo que decis de gente que no sepa escuchar. Suele suceder a menudo. Lo que hay que aprender de eso es, siempre recordarse de que uno mismo no deberia cometer el mismo error en escuchar a los demas. Siempre hay que aspirar a mejorarse en este campo. Pues ser para los demas, lo que uno quisera que sean ellos para uno.
De todas formas te mando un abrazo y te deseo un buen fin de semana!
they match up well to the 5 love languages:
listening - quality time
solutions - gift giving
optimism - words of affirmation
pessimism - can’t remember this one lol
cuddles - physical touch
Acts of service?
This is true. Sometimes when people try to make us laugh during tough times, the intention is good but it does not help. And if you say something you might come of as rude. Which doesn't help the situation. Sometimes you just want them to listen, or to behave normally. This way, you feel at home and surpass the difficulties
Wow. That's a good point. Behave normally. That's why my friend feels a bit weird opening up to me
right right.
This video has been incredibly helpful. I am feeling very lost right now. My boyfriend is in a custody battle with his ex wife for his six year old son. The ex lives in a motel room, has no car, no job, and has extreme emotional and psychological issues, especially when it comes to relationships.
She keeps the kid inside all day, treats him like a baby, and cultivates in him a general sense of fear of the world. Anytime he has spent a long period of time with her, he comes back to us extremely anxious and fearful of new experiences to the point where he cries if we try to take him to the playground. She has kept him out of school on occasion for weeks at a time for no reason other than she wanted him home with her. She has created a codependent situation with the kid that is sure to affect his life and relationships negatively later in life.
Because the courts tend to favor the mother in custody battles and we cannot prove abuse, neglect, or substance abuse, my boyfriend has no rights currently and has had to powerlessly watch all of this unfold in front of him. She has created an aimlessly transient lifestyle for herself and their son for no reason, moving him from state to state and motel to motel and school to school so he never has the opportunity to make friends or build roots.
Things have begun to heat up lately when the mom picked him up for a “weekend” and never brought him back. We found out a week later when she unblocked our numbers that she has moved herself and him two states away, for the third time. Now there’s another custody battle in store and I have no idea how to be there for my boyfriend.
I feel his pain deeply because I love this child deeply. But I don’t pretend to understand how he feels because it’s truly not my child and I know his feelings of helplessness are so much worse. He doesn’t like it when I get upset about the situation in front of him, it makes him feel guilty, so I have to keep my cool until I’m alone. He doesn’t want advice or help, not that I could really offer any. I helped pay for his lawyer, but we don’t have enough money for a really good one. I sit and listen to him talk about it for hours without saying a word, trying my hardest not to cry. And sometimes I sit with him in uncomfortable silence for hours. He doesn’t want me to hold him or touch him at all in these times, but he insists on being at my house as much as possible so that he’s not at his home, alone, with all of his son’s toys.
It’s been really hard for me to figure out the right time to be supportive and silent, and the right time to be boisterous and distracting. If I do the wrong thing at the wrong time it could be perceived as insensitive and inappropriate. I feel like I never know the right thing to say or do. I know better than to ask him about it or bring it up unless he does. Which is difficult for me because I’m very worried and anxious about it, and I have absolutely no control over the situation and Im almost completely in the dark unless he feels like updating me. I just love that little boy so much and the whole thing breaks my heart. I wish I knew how to be a better rock. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes. I just want to be there for him however I can. Sorry for the long comment. It felt good to write it all out even if no one reads it.
I hope it worked out in the best interest of the child and your boyfriend.
I understand what it's like walking on eggshells with someone you love who is in pain and not quite knowing how to "read" them yet and deliberately trying to be silent so as not to upset them yet also wondering if they actually Do want us to do or say something and we are just unable to read their mind and understand what they need.
It is a place where we aren't able to be our natural selves and say what we feel because we don't want to upset them more. It's very difficult on all of involved.
I hope it has now resolved well. 🙏🏻
Did he ever get his son back?
@Shaved Parmesan Prosciutto and Flag
thank you:) now i know how to help my frd with depression
can't explain how much i love this channel and how much i love philosophy because of you guys
love this channel so much - wisdom & knowledge distilled. Thank you, Alain & team
Does anyone know who Alain uses to create these videos? The graphics and transition timing are so well done.
+Paul Williams read the description down below
my heart acheas everytime I watch your videos because I realize how much childhood affected the person i am now
But the overwhelming majority of men do not want to open up at all. They tend to want to solve or seem as tho they're able to solve their own issues - very frustrating.
We've been conditioned to act that way. I'm not going to assign blame, because it's something we're all complicit in. The whole point of the video is that you have to figure out the way to get someone to open up, based on the way they offer you help when you need it.
This is usually my fallacy. I assume that all issues can be resolved, albeit painful to undergo; such issues are usually resolved in my personal life through these outlooks. However, very usually my attempts at helping significant others are taken as unloving and unsympathetic reminders of my emotionless states which is the overarching antithesis to my true feelings. The double-edged sword is far more evident in this argument, as women and men have such diverging ideas of emotional companionship. Women want to be heard, and men want to grasp and [resolve] issues to have a logical and more statistically probable chance of superior happiness. I always think to myself during extended periods of strife, "why endure this pain when I can figure where it has come from? And in doing so, cut the issue from my life so that I have a much lower chance of feeling this again?" I am a logical person, which is a blessing and a curse. It means I can't emotionally attach myself to something or someone to the same extent others can, and I'm sure many men (and women) feel this as well.
By far the BEST thing I have ever done to help this was by realizing that even if, EVEN IF, my ideas were by far the best in a group of people, sometimes it is flat out more productive to resolve to let another insinuate their ideas and come up with the plan. This takes a completely different set of skill, and ego, but has helped me in more ways than one.
Sincerely,
Alex
My ex was like that. He'd keep his emotions bottled up and refused to talk to me about anything, and then snap at me for the littlest things.
What Alex said applies to me too. I do get emotional from time to time for a reason or another but I try to see it logically and then solve the problem because why would I want to have the same problem again in the future? Maybe I've been single for too long. Also it's well known that communication is the most important thing in a relationship for a reason..
zaxx29 I have to say though, I'm absolutely terrible at communication. When I am told "how" to communicate, it's *always* through this thing called,"Honesty". However, the instant I'm honest I'm an asshole, or uncaring for the feelings of others until literally hours of this fight pass and suddenly I'm incredible for enduring that shit. As soon as I blanket the truth with white phrases that are meant to make the significant other feel better, most of the time it works an absolute miracle and the issue is completely resolved. However, I feel terrible because I can't ever convey how I truly feel about a situation. I end up bottling these feelings in a vacuum never to be opened until I crack and let spill everything over the month, quarter, etc., that is on my mind.
It's an endless and tiring cycle for me..... I'm about to enter Medical school (23yrs old), so it's not like I have time to date, but I'm honestly at that point where women (and men for that matter-I'm very, very straight though) but vaguely attract me; usually only in a physical manner. I'm certain I just haven't "met the right one" yet, but that cliche gets old really quickly.
Ahh well..... Here's to another 50 or so years. See you all on the battlefield. Pew pew.
Alex
My mom was a pessimisst. It comforts me when people join my dark thoughts, understand them and can add to them, because it enables me to think of a solution. I know how to handle pessimissm in other people, I always had to cheer my mom up so when someone shares my pain I can deal with it better, because it switches my perspective into the one Im most familiar with.
I'm definitely a cuddles and tell me it's going to be ok kinda person, and after watching this video I realise that's how I try to comfort others too. My first instinct when someone I love is upset it to want to give them a hug and say that it's ok to feel that way but it won't last forever, that they'll be ok, but thinking about it now not everyone needs that. I think I'm going to be a bit more thoughtful in how I try and comfort others form now on
I feel like we oughta hurry up and build this knowledge into our social networks. So we can all learn how each different person prefers to be communicated with. I feel like that might be even more important than knowing someone's age, race, religion, or nationality. In the social media world, it's impossible to know these things but it seems important
I like school of life in general... but this video is my favorite, it changed the way I thought about so many interactions, about what i need from 'help', about what others might want from 'help', and that more people are trying to 'help' than I ever realized I remember the idea that "the impulse to help flows logic free from any actual capacity to do so" and it means the world.
I love this film so much, School of Life is such a fantastic initiative. I hope all the people involved know what a difference they make in the lives of others
“Love can’t remain at the level of intentions alone. It must involve constant efforts to translate our wishes into interventions aligned with the psychology and history of another human being.”
It's amazing that a 5-year-old video could be recommended on the exact day I need to hear it. Everything in the video was everything I needed to hear and need to attempt to grasp. Here's hoping it helps
Empathy. Incredible what we need from our partners through our love languages
Optimism can put me in such a bad mood though, I always thought I was alone on that one. The only time it’s sort of ok if it’s accompanied with logical solutions to the issue. “Everything is going to be ok” vs “we can fix it and here’s how”
Honestly, I am a please listen to me while I rant, kind of person. But my friends are the solve problems, type of people. And it has frustrated me so so so much that I stopped telling them about any of my problems and then they started wondering why I got so closed off. For the longest time I couldn't put in to words why I felt that way, but this has really cleared things up. I think with this video we can start being better friends.
I feel compelled to hug the monitor, but the only clue i have as to how The School of Life wants to be loved is what they offer us: insight on something meaningful... so who knows, maybe ill do both ;)
+The School of Life I would love to visit you but the trip is to costly and far from iraq to Britain...but maybe I will go to Istanbul only to visit the school of life when I have the money to do so...
In adulthood we need someone who listen and understand us and not make us feel that you are suffering because of your mistakes and it is your fault. It is very easy to give advice but helping loved one in pain and be there in every step of solution really help them to be emotionally stable and confident in situation. As we grow up we need someone who stand with us in our miseries.
This was so beautiful. It is so hard and vulnerable to communicate the way in which we want to be supported emotionally, but it's such an important aspect of a relationship.
I make promotions at a local TV station. Lately I've been writing scripts for our news promos with this voice in my head. The even-handed voice and the respectful yet provocative scripts are so wonderful. Thanks for the great work guys
School of life, I can not describe how much I admire your videos. I'm facing a situation where a loved one needs help but he doesn't allow himself to be helped so this video is so soothing for me. I believe that every person has a key to his trust and once you gain it, it enables you to constructively help that person to become better, because they trust that you don't have any ulterior motives and only want good for them.
You have my eternal gratitude for making videos on topics which are essential in one's life and reassure me, that I'm not the only one facing challenges like this one. Please just continue being awesome.
I can't express with words how grateful I am towards the message contained within this video.
i now know why childhood is important to affect the way you behave toward people and growing up is so hard.
Can't tell you how much have appreciated these videos over the years. As someone who was raised by people very low in emotional intelligence and mindfulness, these videos have been a godsend for me and truly life-changing.
Keen as always! TSOL teaches the intricacies of humanity that people seem to take for granted. I never knew there were different ways to help a loved one. Another lesson learnt!
The running and squeaking bunny at 00:41 was such a delicate detail and the cuddle monsters at 05:45 were so soothing.
6:22 lol - the eyebrows
Sam Knez hahaha same
Everyone of us has been through a lot of tough times in life and felt that we became useless and isolated. But it's more tough seeing your loved ones experiencing this kind of dilemma in their life. Sometimes loving them isn't enough to help them overcome those trials. It's important to listen to them even if it's not the direct solution to the problem but at least it would lessen their burden.
My take away from this is that there are several types of love to express to people during their need.
1:40 Listen,
3:29 provide solutions,
4:48 Tell them everything will be okay,
5:05 Share their fears,
5:44 or physical touch.
and perhaps the best thing I can do is simply ask which of these they might prefer in that moment, because these preferences may change based on the event. Just as likely as they are to change based on the individual.
You may not always be capable of doing the right thing ...
But you definitely tried your hardest to do so ...
Don't blame yourself for that and never give up doing your best ...
Care is in the hands of feelings and listening not judgements and solutions ...
Let people speak for themselves hear them out explain and converse ...
Think before you speak ...
Show the comfort about how you want to be treated in your conversation ...
To make a better understanding towards your loved ones ...
My only question is how do we know witch one to use ?
Ohh, that makes sense. Use the one they use towards you because they judge the best way to approach the situation based on what they would like best. Got it. Thanks, School of Life. :)
If 'they' also watch this video?
I always ask the person what I can do to help. Then, I accomodate them to the best of my ability. If it turns out my help was unsuccessful, I either try again, or let fate take its course, depending on the situation. And, I always remember that I can only do my best and that I'm not responsible for another person's inner happiness. I can only show them the doors they may not have seen before; I cannot make them walk through.
I Kent know
The video literally told us that our partner would most likely want us to return the same type they give
Very true. Sometimes when we help a person , the end result is good. On the other hand, we can help another person. And this person will get bothered and /or offended by our gestures. We can be seen as taking advantage of the situation or brown nose-ing. We’re damn if we don’t and we’re damn if we do. Good luck to us all but we must try.❤️
I like the animation in this.
One of things to do is to see the person as they are.
See them in the Wholeness of Their Life.
You have to ask them what they Need, what the Want, and what the Hope For.
People are Delicate.
Not everyone is the same, and even if they mess up, you have to see where they are in their timeline.
Also realize, sometimes people do things and They Are Hurting.
If you see two warring factions, you can and try and help both or one and then the other.
Intentions matter, but you have to speak Clearly and as Eloquently as Possible.
Always try and make sure you are Clear.
I strongly dislike then someone tells me "when you learn to love yourelf"...it makes me feel as if I don't deserve anything because of my mental illness. just saying...
"We take our own preferred style of being soothed as the natural starting point for how to soothe others"
My brother and mother use humour to channel their own uncomfortable emotions. They think, unfortunately, that perhaps everyone else around them do the same thing. And that's why they tease a wound that hasn't healed yet or poke a triggering memory just for fun. However it leads to intense emotional havoc which is, at times, unmanageable for the targetted individual. No matter however many times I console myself or however many self-help books I read, it's hard to get out of the hole that they jokingly throw you in. I wish I had more people in my life who understood that honesty without tact is just cruelty. And that selective conditional empathy (that is empathy for only those who do your work or are in some way of any use to you) doesn't help in the long run.
I agree.
What if the person you love refuses to let you help them? That truly gives off a feeling of intense isolation and loneliness for both parties. Trying to be patient can help but it's truly painful to see someone you love struggle and refuse your hand.
don't take it personally if they are very introverted, if you force it on someone it just adds emotional strain to you and your loved one
Maybe you are offering the wrong kind of help. Or they can be too proud and ashamed to accept.
I would suggest to ask them that question when they (and you) are calm, and tell them how you feel about that. Try to find a solution that will work for both of you.
I sometimes come home from work very angry or sad about something that happened. I can't even talk about it, and need to have some time alone to cool off. Once I did, I can tell what happened...
I needed this video in my life 2 years before it was conceived (I offer solutions over listening because it is my familiar way of showing concern; many people thought it was me "interrupting" or "being rude", so I just stopped caring altogether for not knowing otherwise). Live and let learn I guess, thanks.
Really enjoyed this one SOL. Always great to settle down after a day of my thoughts and delve into these thoughts. And always great to watch the amazing animators do their wonderful things.
These videos are SOO good and relative to real life. My sister is in a bad time, and all I wanted to do was give her solutions in my attempt to help her. But I should have just listened to her. :( feel disappointed with myself
These Animations were Lovely. The diversity of relationships was distinctly shown.
One thing to point out is that you don't have to fall into anyone concrete category. Rather that we can desire several of these from someone, or even desire different things from different people. Even giving space because you can't provide the help they desire, is in fact helping.
Loved the video, the combination of the sound of his voice and the illustrations is very pleasant♥️
Im the type that gets comforted by solutions. When things are specifically for me thats what makes me feel genuinely appreciated. I also tend to be quite realistic and straightforward when I give advice. However I do my best to listen but I cant help being honest.
Amazing video... I love how watching your videos follows with a good 10mins of reflection.
that first illustration; never has their been a more accurate illustration of my love life
I love these videos they are truly lessons on life. Also the topic of comforting in this video can be applied to anyone we love not just partners.
Thank you for this video, I think of myself as a caring and smart man. However, I do understand that life in various ways molds our brains into what "we" think caring and love is. It is odd that most of our ideas on love and caring come from systems of socialization [movies, music, and books] however odd or extreme these views can be. it is wonderful to have a video like this actually describe an idea that doesn't teach you [what] caring and love is but rather makes you [understand] just a piece of the pie.
~sometimes the art of knowing when to be quiet is more important than the art of talking.
nice, u addressed the different thinkings people have, as we all have different perceptions of love. well done.
great video again. Once when I was down about something a friend had had a similar experience of he said "well to be honest it's a long dark tunnel and I don't know if there is a light at the end." It was the most comforting thing I could have possible heard because it meant he understood how I felt.
@The School of Life: Great video that has helped me personally in my relationship! A small correction, though: The way someone helps and loves others doesn't necessarily show or tell how they WANT to be taken care of, but rather how they WERE taken care of in their childhood. This may very well be a misconnection that they are suffering from themselves since they give what they know and therefore inform their partner's behavior in a certain way - while they are actually craving for something (completely) different!
I literally just had an argument with my best friend, watched this, and realized we wanted two different things when it came to being listened. this really helped. thank you
I love this. Best video you've ever made... In my opinion. Very wise. Shared
They do seem to be getting better. Some were really neurotic and shallow. I almost unsubscribed not too long ago.
Saw your video on EB. My son had psoriasis, atopic dermatitis, which looked and acted very similar. It may have also been partially genetic, I suffered from respiratory allergies and asthma as a kid. Thank god my son outgrew this condition, or we were successful in treating him with supplements and a bit of soul searching. My heart goes out to you and your family, god willing he too will recover. Sincerely
the school of life has helped me to grow as a person, be content with myself and thus help me be a better friend and help improve my relationships with other people and myself ever since i discovered them for myself.
thank you so much
Excellent! Definitely one of the best content you ever made!
If you have something that you really want in your life, spend lots of time thinking about it. The more you think the more ideas will pop up the more creative your gonna start to get. Your subconscious mind doesn't care if your vision is crazy. It doesnt care if you dont know how to do it.
When you see a thing clearly in your mind, your creative "success mechanism" within you takes over and does the job much better than you could do it by conscious effort or willpower.
A different psychedelic from a different planet every nanosecond.
All sorts of dreams are possible.
The human nervous system cannot tell the difference between an "actual" experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail.
Synthesize "experience," to literally create experience, and control it, in the laboratory of our minds.
A vision is a very emotional image, the most powerful image that you can come up with for yourself at this time. This vision will become like a hallucination in other peoples mind and this could be the cause of them creating extraordinary things.
Can you put some subtitle under your videos? I don't speak english so well and it's hard to full understand just by listening. Thank you!
Does somebody know how to use the links on comments on the new mobile layout ? Is it even possible?
+The School of Life thank you very much !!! :)
there is a cc button click that
I'm forever learning from this channel and becoming a better person. Thank you.
content is brilliant as always....n the animation is so creative n funny that it kept disturbing me throughout the video...l hav to watch this video twice to grasp the full idea
i love you
This is great!
your videos are aligned with the things that are bothering me; everytime i feel bad about something, you release a video about that subject. nice work, by the way!
I don't really have this issue often.
I do have a hard time understanding how others have his issue though.
People seem to like it when I comfort them.
In my experience it's more of the case that others haven't yet learned how to comfort you as sufficiently as you can for them. Possibly because one party has been too generous with their comforting capacity and the other has grown accustomed to it. Alternately, the person in need of comfort has failed to grasp the concept that providing sympathetic council is on a give and take basis by neglecting their end of the bargain in listening to the listener once in a while.
+The Poet and Wit this......sometimes it sucks to be the most thoughtful or condiderate in the room...even tho its not really their fault if that sort of thing isnt a strength for them...
Same here for the most part..expect for my ex. He was the pessimist one and I didn't know that was a way to comfort someone? ._.
As a fellow pessimist, I can tell you that this video is right on. Sympathy and sentimentality often feel fake to us. We want you to admit that things are bleak so we know you're not lying to us.
chroipahtz that makes sense. I'm pessimist too, and optimism seems fake to me. They can't know the future and that it's "going to be ok" so I just want someone to listen to me like the first one.
uh, yeah, most people I know really would benefit by watching this video many many times...and for me to watch it at times too when I forget that most people just want and need to be connected to by someone listening with their heart and how so very important loving touch is for those closest to us.
I love the way profound truths are shown in such a delightful, creative way. what cool animation
This SCHOOL OF LIFE Rocks!!! xox love it
This is immensely informative. I'm a "solutions," "listening," and "join me in analyzing catastrophe" kind of person with sometimes hugs if we're both in the mood. I've had difficulty soothing others and myself sometimes. This really helped put these dynamics in perspective. Thank you.
Is this based partly on the 5 Love Languages?
I was thinking the same thing. Anyone who is interested in this video should check out Gary Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages". Another great video, thanks, School of Life.
An extremely helpful video from The School of Life. I came to this understanding on my own in the middle of my life and employed it effectively with people around me--at work, with friends, in the seminary, as a hospital and prison chaplain. However, when things got tough for me later in life, I found that few people understand what the narrator is laying out here. My cousin Michael did. But what the narrator is laying out here is an uncommon understanding.
I don't think people who craves solutions don't have to coincide with money and financial effort, like taking someone out to dinner isn't a piece of paper with a plan.
Someone who wants solutions might want:
- Someone with experience greater than their own to expound on the problem in ways the afflicted person is unable.
- A connection to a person of service who mitigate costs and damage.
All those things, just like listening to your partner and going over previous talking points with them, cost time, care, and knowledge instead of cash.
Conversely if someone is feeling like no one listens to them, a big treat like their favorite food or a night out after them expounding on their ales might make them feel like not only their frequencies heard, someone knows then we'll enough to give them what they want as well.
People who want to be listened to value people who understand them as a person, be it their feelings or favorite food.
People who value solutions value those who understand their situation, what got them their and where they can move ahead.
I think hugging more is what I want to soothe me and help me deal with the stresses of life.
stuff like 0:37 crushes my heart so many times on this channel. such meaningful feeling and intent i get from this.
Literally helping a friend while watching the video
Damn this is relatable. Does the offer of love that works for the person lways emanate from the way ones parents and/or people in their history have expressed it towards them?
Pretty much. Those are our "formative" years
Not always. maybe for the most part but I don't know.
I'd say yes; but that doesn't mean we can't work hard to change the things we learned in our formative years. That's what therapy is for. lol
I tend to think that it's more genetic than environmental. Children raised in the same family often have very different ways of wanting support. As an example - both my husband and my daughter like to talk through their problems out loud with a supportive listener who offers little to no advice. On the other hand, both my son and I are usually seeking action-oriented advice when we share problems with others. It has taken me YEARS to understand how to support someone by just listening.
The voice in this video is so calming. 😌
At times there is simply nothing we can do to help a loved one. Seeing them suffer and feeling powerless is just unbearable.
The animations on these videos are phenomenal!!! Fabulous videos, captivating graphics, useful information--so grateful I stumbled upon this channel!
i needed this. thank you
I have seen dozens if not hundreds of School of Life videos. But this one has been the most important and practical one for me. Thank you for sharing.
I need to listen to my mom more
I want to add few more:
-DISTRACTION: just take them out for a nice meal, or ice cream, instead of trying to deal with the problem at hand.
-BE VULNERABLE: people feel empowered when they r able to help others. so let the other person help you. it will increase their self esteem and they will feel better abt themselves.
-FIGHT WITH THEM: we dont want out partners to be dead inside. if you are always agreeing to them they will stop valuing you. we like a challenge sometimes. Fighting and arguing helps us get it all out. It is a cathartic experience for both.
6:21 "...giant soft adult hand..." :D
Good video. It shows the complexities of humans and the many different ways one may like to be helped when going through something.