The Capacity to Give up on People

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  • Опубликовано: 3 фев 2025

Комментарии • 3 тыс.

  • @theschooloflifetv
    @theschooloflifetv  5 лет назад +744

    Welcome back to our regularly scheduled films. We have a lot of exciting plans for the rest of the year. Be sure to click the like button, subscribe and turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss anything.

    • @joycevillamor3048
      @joycevillamor3048 5 лет назад +1

      yaaaay

    • @olaric9808
      @olaric9808 5 лет назад

      Hi there i started doing some yt covers (im not a pro so any suggestion would help ty:)

    • @friedrichwulfgang3655
      @friedrichwulfgang3655 5 лет назад +4

      People are pointless and annoying. Most of em don’t even do fuck all... just sit there, breathing, eating, defecating. Most people aren’t even worth the time to say a single word too either. Simplistic bastards.

    • @jakeedison5149
      @jakeedison5149 5 лет назад +2

      I really dont know if i can trust your video. Like who wrote this? Just a reandom person? a psychiatrist? somebody who has studied this topic?

    • @georgiana1754
      @georgiana1754 5 лет назад

      So happy to see this! Been missing them a lot.

  • @bri6643
    @bri6643 4 года назад +4385

    When someone puts you in the position where you feel like you have to choose them or you, choose yourself every time.

    • @bri6643
      @bri6643 4 года назад +95

      You’ll be the one to have to live with you, they don’t

    • @oldschoolman1444
      @oldschoolman1444 4 года назад +91

      If you're asking yourself if you should stay or go you've already answered your question.

    • @soseikiharagatatsu7859
      @soseikiharagatatsu7859 3 года назад +29

      But how do you love yourself if you don't even understand yourself

    • @winnieamar9368
      @winnieamar9368 3 года назад +13

      Thankyou,i needed to hear this.

    • @yulnikita
      @yulnikita 3 года назад +7

      Thanks for that!

  • @dianaleestudio
    @dianaleestudio 5 лет назад +4269

    The reason I was holding onto toxic people was to prove that I was a good enough person to mentor a broken one.
    I realized I am enough just by myself and don't need to prove anything to anyone.

    • @adeshpoz1167
      @adeshpoz1167 5 лет назад +49

      Yes! Have a better life with better people around you. :)

    • @tatianahawaii13
      @tatianahawaii13 5 лет назад +13

      ❤️

    • @varp.
      @varp. 5 лет назад +40

      Ahhhhhh your statement is so spot on for me too. I feel this.

    • @dominostimes2119
      @dominostimes2119 5 лет назад +8

      @diana ikr 🙏

    • @305dar8
      @305dar8 5 лет назад +7

      💯🙏🏼

  • @beermilkshake
    @beermilkshake 4 года назад +3804

    In Buddhists circles they say: ‘Let them into your heart but not in your living room’. In other words, forgive them privately in your thoughts but don’t invite them in.

    • @tracym8952
      @tracym8952 4 года назад +47

      That's a great saying. I'll remember it. Good looking out. Also great name

    • @magalitellez4902
      @magalitellez4902 4 года назад +9

      That’s beautiful, where did you find that?

    • @spitzkopf2128
      @spitzkopf2128 4 года назад +4

      Sounds like something Rin would say

    • @elmondo-s1e
      @elmondo-s1e 4 года назад +11

      peter Smith sorry but. What are you even trying to convey? I’m not trying to be rude I’m just genuinely puzzled by this comment. There’s a lot of words but no meaning 😶

    • @davidpeppers551
      @davidpeppers551 4 года назад +54

      Our basic nature is good and pure at its core. You must have compassion for yourself. You wish that person the best, but having compassion for yourself means you may need to get them out of your life.

  • @NewWorldAstro
    @NewWorldAstro 5 лет назад +2648

    Quitting on abusive/toxic people is a sign of True Loyalty to our inner child.

  • @Avalonista
    @Avalonista 4 года назад +1991

    Sometimes our love to the other person, is just the love we have for the image we‘ve made them to be in our minds...

    • @purplekitten6637
      @purplekitten6637 4 года назад +44

      Almost always

    • @LoriCiani
      @LoriCiani 4 года назад +39

      So true. Love can be an eye opener or an eye mask. I got the eye mask and didn't see his faults, his lies or his disrespect. What I saw was a loving, caring husband and father. Now, after 20 years of marriage and a painful divorce, I can see he is neither and probably never has been. Now, he is playing another woman and she's going to marry him. I wish her good luck because she's gonna need it!

    • @Avalonista
      @Avalonista 4 года назад +11

      LoriCiani just be thankful its over... it taught you many lessons... i always say some people you can only love from afar.... and thats always better than carrying bitterness or hurt inside.... much love to you!

    • @leelarawat2450
      @leelarawat2450 4 года назад +29

      And with narcissists it's the completely fabricated fake facade self they showed you at the beginning to manipulate and bait you into thinking they were what they never were...but they might show you the fake facade again at times they have to give you breadcrumbs to keep you in the supply garage.

    • @Avalonista
      @Avalonista 4 года назад +14

      Leela Rawat and an empath is like a moth to the flame

  • @troybingham6426
    @troybingham6426 4 года назад +1084

    "I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I'm done, I'm done."
    -Turcois Ominek

    • @paulsolon6229
      @paulsolon6229 2 года назад +1

      Cool

    • @lynnehood2198
      @lynnehood2198 2 года назад +6

      Me TOO.

    • @Prettynikki815
      @Prettynikki815 2 года назад +5

      Holy crap.. I've said this damn near verbatim... I'm this Turcois person reincarnate... unless he's alive, then I'm his spirit animal...

    • @Badboyifier
      @Badboyifier 2 года назад +1

      THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS OMG THISSSSSSS

    • @paulsolon6229
      @paulsolon6229 2 года назад

      @@Badboyifier ugh

  • @GGiblet
    @GGiblet 4 года назад +2105

    It's not "giving up" on the other person, it's about saving yourself🌞

    • @________1516
      @________1516 3 года назад +17

      Yes exactly

    • @soseikiharagatatsu7859
      @soseikiharagatatsu7859 3 года назад +19

      Even though you I might lose a friend so yeah sure I'll give up on them and just ignore them because whenever I'm with them I don't feel happy at all

    • @dosesandmimoses
      @dosesandmimoses 3 года назад +1

      Not always so!

    • @Jackgritty28
      @Jackgritty28 3 года назад +3

      The benefit of the doubt, there's a price to pay, don't give up, have faith in the future, be devoted no matter what difficulty, the blame game, if your loyalty was questioned, walk away 🚩✅💲

    • @jojose417
      @jojose417 2 года назад +1

      Exactly, when I was going through a difficult time, it honestly lasted years, was married to an alcoholic. No one gave up their life or time to help me. Looking back I see that makes total sense!!

  • @Klos19871
    @Klos19871 5 лет назад +2615

    Some people don't deserve our time or compassion it's a harsh truth.

    • @laykantheealien5722
      @laykantheealien5722 5 лет назад +23

      Very true 😡

    • @b5904
      @b5904 5 лет назад +64

      I learned this late. But at least I learned it.

    • @tdesq.2463
      @tdesq.2463 5 лет назад +7

      I 2nd that!

    • @nbtstan3198
      @nbtstan3198 5 лет назад +6

      I litteraly just told a friend to leave me tf alone a second ago. But it's okay, he's an attention seeker

    • @c.9231
      @c.9231 5 лет назад +46

      The video's not saying walk away from those needing your time or your compassion. It's saying walk away from people who are cold, angry, harsh and judgmental.

  • @MsLinda165
    @MsLinda165 4 года назад +893

    My living parent is 97, and just as abusive as ever. I finally, last year, at the age of 60 decided to walk away and love myself. Thank you for this video. I still feel guilty, but I'm working on it.

    • @Isochest
      @Isochest 3 года назад

      God. Talking about the Bad Penny turning up! Glad you did. That Asshole will live forever so don't sweat!

    • @bumblebaa2327
      @bumblebaa2327 2 года назад +49

      I hope you are doing well :) I am at that point, at 50 yo.

    • @kendallevans4079
      @kendallevans4079 2 года назад +34

      That's brave of you. I think many of us are in similar situations but we give in and say things like "well, at that age......" or, if it's a parent ( my situation) we think the guilt will kill us.

    • @everysingleone8714
      @everysingleone8714 2 года назад +65

      I believe it is Gabor Mate who said, “If you must choose between guilt or resentment, choose guilt. Resentment will kill you.” He has written an excellent book called “When the Body Says No.”

    • @jillybe1873
      @jillybe1873 2 года назад +24

      It is the heart that runs away but your body can still care for your elder. I did my duty, but with an indifferent sense of duty. They're dead now and I'm fine, no guilt.

  • @shan1392
    @shan1392 5 лет назад +1822

    Giving up on a toxic family is one of the most challenging tasks one can face but believe me, it is equally rewarding at the same time.

    • @ricebunnymoon4624
      @ricebunnymoon4624 5 лет назад +7

      Shan Anis it is

    • @darnagutter9645
      @darnagutter9645 5 лет назад +88

      I'm with you. You're talking about giving up on an entire family. I have walked this path.
      In return the Lord gave me a Universal family; with which I was able to stay healthy and feel good about myself.
      But after many years and I obviously have aged I ventured to move back nearer to blood relatives. Many have died off and I thought it might be different with those left. Big mistake I was wrong. Almost everything I gained has been lost. You can never go back.

    • @305dar8
      @305dar8 5 лет назад +7

      💯🙏🏼

    • @johnhalder274
      @johnhalder274 5 лет назад +45

      Yep I did it. Haven't seen them in decades, will never see them again. great decision I made. But leaving garbage behind is a no brainer.

    • @RealityCheck6T9
      @RealityCheck6T9 5 лет назад +15

      "Big mistake I was wrong. Almost everything I gained has been lost. You can never go back."
      Would you mind elaborating on "almost everything I gained has been lost"?

  • @brentduanefoster
    @brentduanefoster 5 лет назад +3149

    “When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.” - Dr. Maya Angelou

    • @putudaniel3633
      @putudaniel3633 4 года назад +13

      Brent Foster so true !

    • @werlkj567
      @werlkj567 4 года назад +62

      Ha. Sadly it usually takes me about 10 times.

    • @juliasulek2979
      @juliasulek2979 4 года назад +12

      LO♥️VE YOUR COMMENT CAUSE NOTHING LIKE TYE FIRST TIME....
      PLUS Y'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT...---ACTIONS SPEAK (" LOTS") --LOUDER THAN... WORDS.....VERY GOOD
      ♥️👍🤗

    • @spookyel
      @spookyel 4 года назад +13

      I legit will put this in my room

    • @joyfull5374
      @joyfull5374 4 года назад +14

      I continually use this quote. If only more people would follow it, the first time!

  • @Anon-wg2cm
    @Anon-wg2cm 3 года назад +677

    "Their character is bolted shut through trauma." That's a good line. It lets you feel compassion while also accepting that things won't get better.

    • @stephaniecarrow4898
      @stephaniecarrow4898 3 года назад +9

      Yes!

    • @juliaostlund9360
      @juliaostlund9360 2 года назад +4

      Wow. I've thought this for a long time but never felt it was actually real because there's no way to confirm that observation, but it's actually relieving.

    • @marilynschmidt6400
      @marilynschmidt6400 2 года назад +2

      @@juliaostlund9360 you obviously haven't experienced childhood trauma. I'm studying my dysfunctional family. Both my parents will never face their childhood trauma so to heal the family.

    • @juliaostlund9360
      @juliaostlund9360 2 года назад +5

      People finally realize their toxic family patterns and think they can make assumptions and be astute.
      No offense, but you obviously haven't studied enough, and it's laughable, like _really, really_ funny. But hey, we've all got to start somewhere, right?
      Word of advice, they can't and neither can you.

    • @csmith5611
      @csmith5611 2 года назад +2

      It may not be true, though. Not everything is caused through trauma. Some people are just nasty and probably born that way and probably irredeemable. Sometimes it is better just to accept that. Alain is putting in a note of compassion which is sometimes not warranted. And can hold one back from walking away.

  • @arthurzettel6618
    @arthurzettel6618 5 лет назад +622

    Sometimes you have to be cold as ice and hard as steel to walk away.
    To many people take kindness as a weakness and it bites em hard at the end. Kindness is your strength and walking away is your shield.

  • @robinannaniaz9670
    @robinannaniaz9670 5 лет назад +515

    People stopped taking me for granted when I began to let go

  • @gicanicsanu4989
    @gicanicsanu4989 4 года назад +283

    "We need to hear that, surprisingly, some people just don't change"
    I'm going to sleep with that playing on repeat.

  • @tauntaun9660
    @tauntaun9660 5 лет назад +1447

    “We can’t choose who we love, but we can choose when to leave”

    • @TheTippeTone
      @TheTippeTone 4 года назад +2

      @Jacob Strom I can recommend Theo Von Podcast with Duncan Trussel.

    • @charliediamond6197
      @charliediamond6197 4 года назад +7

      I can’t. I’m currently dating someone who has been disloyal in the past but because I love them I’m giving them another chance but theyre not really proving to me that I actually mean something to them. Despite all of that I can’t stop loving them. No matter how much I get angry or hate them it just makes me love them more and it’s only when I walk away and leave that they shower me with the affection and comfort that I want from them.

    • @TravelWithBradley
      @TravelWithBradley 4 года назад +59

      @@charliediamond6197 You're being manipulated and used.
      It's a depressing thing for you to say such things, when it's so obviously not good for you.
      The day will come when they throw you away, and you'll not be ready for it - you'll be a shell of a person, dependent on them, and they'll be gone.
      Walk away and heal now, whilst you still have a strong foundation to heal from.

    • @mohandasjung
      @mohandasjung 4 года назад +5

      What a dumb statement

    • @MarkNOTW
      @MarkNOTW 4 года назад +5

      We can choose either one

  • @Darkred28
    @Darkred28 5 лет назад +3272

    "It is better to be alone than in bad company." - George Washington

    • @Ice420a
      @Ice420a 5 лет назад +28

      Its important for washington to not pillage villages and cream the natives

    • @MD-wq6on
      @MD-wq6on 5 лет назад

      Win From Within Is that how are you had to say?

    • @N12Gautam
      @N12Gautam 5 лет назад +8

      zombie stink it’s called war. Go read a history book

    • @kyrlics6515
      @kyrlics6515 5 лет назад +2

      @@MD-wq6on lmfao "how are you"

    • @Mindbender55
      @Mindbender55 5 лет назад +8

      Fuck george Washington

  • @nerdicwarrior
    @nerdicwarrior 4 года назад +293

    Sometimes giving up on people makes you grow.

  • @agstinacueva1673
    @agstinacueva1673 5 лет назад +1708

    "Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice"

  • @Ari-ob9nj
    @Ari-ob9nj 5 лет назад +4091

    I really needed this.
    I really needed this right now.

    • @markmant2
      @markmant2 5 лет назад +35

      I guess there are 358 of us with a big story to tell

    • @anthonyman8008
      @anthonyman8008 5 лет назад +3

      🤗🤗🤗🤗

    • @irenaryaboval2916
      @irenaryaboval2916 5 лет назад +2

      Me too ! I feel you

    • @mariee_e
      @mariee_e 5 лет назад +3

      Do it

    • @flassadar
      @flassadar 5 лет назад +56

      Same here. It is quite the coincidence that this video popped up today since I deal with this exact situation. You are not alone. We all will get through it somehow.

  • @ItsMeHello555
    @ItsMeHello555 25 дней назад +19

    Oh, I can give up on people quickly. And it has been my best revelation. No drama, grief, wasting of precious resources and time. My life has never been better! At the first sign of ugly, at my age, I do an about face. I highly recommend it. It causes “those” to look in the mirror and do their own work at some point. We are not sent here to fix all the damaged people and absorb their toxicity. Try it.

  • @chavesa5
    @chavesa5 5 лет назад +866

    This is one of those messages that tends to get too readily embraced by the toxic, vain, arrogant, and self-centered among us and too virulently resisted by those who need to hear it most. Good video.

    • @c.9231
      @c.9231 5 лет назад +154

      chavesa5 - Yes, I noticed even some people in this comment section are clearly using it as an excuse to give up on people going through a hard time when the message is clearly that we need to give up those who are routinely unkind and mean-spirited. That's a big difference.

    • @lanabri
      @lanabri 5 лет назад +11

      Well said

    • @vinny5638
      @vinny5638 5 лет назад +19

      the nuance is beautiful, great comment

    • @ΣήθΔειμος
      @ΣήθΔειμος 5 лет назад +2

      Very true.

    • @ebbyc1817
      @ebbyc1817 5 лет назад +4

      You sound angry. Why?

  • @lornaceaser8254
    @lornaceaser8254 5 лет назад +1119

    Pretty sure school of life is stalking my life and realized I needed this video today.

  • @tuni16tuni
    @tuni16tuni 4 года назад +459

    My problem isn't that I blame myself or that I tell myself "maybe they will change" It's that every time I'm considering putting an end to the relationship I can't help but also think of all the positive things and all the nice memories we also shared and get extremely scared that I'm making a mistake or that I will end up regretting it...Anyone else has this same issue?

    • @ycartxxx
      @ycartxxx 3 года назад +96

      Depends on how bad they are, of course. But majority of the time it's not worth it. Look up the sunk cost fallacy if you aren't familiar. Psych studies show that when people are on the fence, they usually feel much happier when they quit something that's not right. Another study showed that people who have a close friend who they're highly ambivalent about (like sometimes they are awful to you, other times nice), it's actually WORSE on your health than being around someone you feel only negative toward. That fact helps me to decide that it's really not worth sticking it out. The chance of them changing is slim and you can't get that time back.

    • @dannicanunez2198
      @dannicanunez2198 3 года назад +9

      Me.. still learning up to this point

    • @foshia3
      @foshia3 3 года назад +41

      Its an addictive cycle ... because they have or seem to have the capacity to be better at times .. it gives higher hopes ... because its not constant abuse .... its still in fact (seeing the good in them and the potential of them changing with time) ... if you can't high five this relationship or have growth from it to better version of yourself .. maybe its not good

    • @Plottoberry
      @Plottoberry 3 года назад +41

      Yes. What might work is keep a diary of their behavior and how you feel. It can be a wake-up call.

    • @YukonFox1972
      @YukonFox1972 3 года назад +51

      In the end, you have to realize that the the good times do not make up for their mistreatments. Cognitive dissonance will keep you stuck. This is why boundaries are so important. Would you let your own child or best friend tolerate what you’re going through with this toxic person?

  • @mrinalinisingha8210
    @mrinalinisingha8210 5 лет назад +495

    "Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice"
    This hit me hard. So hard.

    • @themacocko6311
      @themacocko6311 5 лет назад +23

      They don't complain out loud. They complain plenty to themselves.

    • @lizzy4827
      @lizzy4827 5 лет назад +2

      @e yeah, there's only so much somebody can take without doing or saying anything

    • @paulacrevaux5730
      @paulacrevaux5730 4 года назад

      Right... So sad 😪

    • @Lokeso
      @Lokeso 4 года назад +5

      @e thats spot on, my mom created and fed a monster inside me, I was a hostage for so long and I didn't know what was wrong with me, until we met in a dream, me and my shadow, and it was exactly as you said, a repressed trait, I remember that it entered in my head and it was just chaos, just white noise and anger, I woke up screaming that day but it was the most important dream that I ever had, it got me into accepting my passion that my mom always criticize, psychology... It's easy to see why she's so bothered by it, unfortunately my mom is a bitch.

    • @امانىسلامه-ف7د
      @امانىسلامه-ف7د 4 года назад +2

      Yes I agree, I think we really need PSYCHOLOGY, not necessarily a major in it, but we really desperately need it, just to fix our lives

  • @arteblack13
    @arteblack13 5 лет назад +1604

    I used to think "they'll treat me better if I do what they want." Anyone relate?

    • @lizzy4827
      @lizzy4827 5 лет назад +74

      Me! And I kept giving them chances and believing they would change but they only cared about themselves and what they could get from me, I decided that I come first now

    • @arteblack13
      @arteblack13 5 лет назад +50

      I've come into that realization in the last couple of years, I'm in my late 40s now. It's all cruel manipulation anyway. I'm treated differently now. I mostly forgave them, but I don't know if I'll ever forget.

    • @jenifermartins2946
      @jenifermartins2946 5 лет назад +19

      Absolutely. I've only recently started changing that, at the age of 31, after 5 months of psychotherapy. It's been really helping me!

    • @claudemonet5415
      @claudemonet5415 5 лет назад +11

      arteblack13 that's exactly how I live in a day to day basis... believe me this is not living... it's dying inside every day...

    • @arteblack13
      @arteblack13 5 лет назад +17

      @@claudemonet5415 it stopped for me when I actively decided not to be a victim. Some eggs were broken but it was worth it. I also realized that the people who treated me badly also treated others badly. Asserting meself became a win for them as well.

  • @singasong785
    @singasong785 4 года назад +488

    My mom always gave me a image of myself being undeserving of love unless I do things she say and satisfy them fully, and even then, her love was temporary and I had to meet another requirements to get them again. Straight As at school, working to help out her bills at 16. By 20 I was working two jobs with one full time and other part time paying all of my school fees, and half of rent and bills, while also attending college full time struggling to get As and Bs, working seven days a week and attending college at the same time wasn’t enough for her, she was dissatisfied if I didn’t do my loundry once or didn’t attend night time church meetups after my shifts that went from 10am to 9pm... Worst was when she decided to blame me for someone raping me, something deeply broke inside me then, after that due to corona I lost both of my jobs and I couldn’t bare to do anything anymore due to trauma and depression, she called me lazy and a horrible daughter and left.
    All these years, I been doing exactly what this video said, believing deep inside, she is good, and one day, she will change and love me without requirements... thank you for the video, a food for deepest of thoughts.

    • @SV-uz6vk
      @SV-uz6vk 4 года назад +62

      You are so strong, your mom is not worthy of your love and effort. I hope you are in a better place now

    • @kathleensmith644
      @kathleensmith644 4 года назад +18

      How can you work a full time job, a part time job, go to school and go to church and manage to learn anything? There isn’t that many hours in a day.

    • @NOT_SURE..
      @NOT_SURE.. 4 года назад +6

      it might not seem like it now but these aweful people create very strong characters in us and if we go down a path of kindness to others (or at least an awareness ) rather than angry retribution we become people that others want to be around ....Im still at the point of wanting to strangle the bitch ,

    • @Elizabeth-yg2mg
      @Elizabeth-yg2mg 4 года назад +20

      I hope you get away from that awful woman.

    • @MeTraD_Blk_Swn
      @MeTraD_Blk_Swn 4 года назад +4

      MY MOTHER TOO. THEY ARE NARCISSISTS. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. THEY START ON U YOUNG SO THEY CAN CONTROL U FOREVER. EVEN DURING CORONA. STEP MALE AND SIBS ARE FLYING MONKEYS AND HE IS A NARC TOO SO I ESCAPED WITH MY MIND, THO ABIT JADED. LESSON LEARNED. HARD WHEN ITS UR PARENT AND THEY TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US OBEDIENT GOOD CHILDREN. SHE TRIED TO BREAK ME. BUT I CANT BE BROKEN BIYTCH. YEA SHE IS NO LONGER MOTHER SHE IS BYTCH

  • @TriplicateTrey
    @TriplicateTrey 5 лет назад +529

    That poor little kid. I just want to hug him and take him to his favorite place to play.

    • @blobofconsciousness
      @blobofconsciousness 5 лет назад +8

      Aren't you adorable 😘

    • @khurshidernazarov809
      @khurshidernazarov809 5 лет назад +42

      @@gdhnd2291 facepalm. The man just expressed his warm thoughts.

    • @TriplicateTrey
      @TriplicateTrey 5 лет назад +14

      God Hand oof

    • @Julia-LArt
      @Julia-LArt 5 лет назад +3

      Kiva Rosen that's you, isn't it. I'll come too. x

    • @kaykobra
      @kaykobra 5 лет назад +25

      When you feel low you can do this for your inner child - the kid inside you needs care and attention.

  • @inkroverts
    @inkroverts 5 лет назад +592

    When people call you as "selfish", think about whether it's to guilt-trap you into satisfying their selfish needs.

    • @keyanna2633
      @keyanna2633 5 лет назад +13

      Very well said. 🙏🏾

    • @simeon54
      @simeon54 5 лет назад +14

      Or perhaps, they are showing up to their side of the relationship, and giving, whilst you only take, and are not really present with them...

    • @inkroverts
      @inkroverts 5 лет назад +5

      @@simeon54 And showing up to their side of their relationship is also an attempt to be selfish, no matter how justified they think it is.
      I think there's no contradiction between self-awareness and self-centeredness. If we think someone calls us selfish and their reasons are unacceptable, we're free to give up on them. There are also instances when they have a point.
      However, as you said, if we lack self-awareness, it doesn't matter whether someone calls us selfish or not; we'd be takers, and they should give up on us.

    • @simeon54
      @simeon54 5 лет назад +6

      ​@@inkroverts 'And showing up to their side of their relationship is also an attempt to be selfish, no matter how justified they think it is.'
      Not sure what you mean here.
      In my opinion, showing up to a relationship isn't selfish, it's just being present, in that moment, with whomever you are with. Being selfish, to my mind means only considering your own needs, and not someone else's. Therefore, if you are in a relationship where you are considering your own needs and expressing them to your partner in a healthy way (self love), and also looking for ways to support your partners needs (other love), but they only care about their own needs, and don't care about yours, then selfish is a good description of your partners behaviour.
      I do agree though that selfish can be used as a trap to get others to meet your needs. There are better, healthier ways to ask someone to meet your needs.

    • @inkroverts
      @inkroverts 5 лет назад +6

      @@simeon54 oh, I just meant selfish as in considering oneself's needs as the first priority. I also think taking care of oneself and self love is the natural way to live. But when I see people have different standards and definitions of "selfishness" and "considering oneself", I will think the word "selfishness" is used to manipulate people.

  • @jrodartec
    @jrodartec 4 года назад +170

    In therapy, I learned that I often create idealizations of others, and fail to assess the gap between their ideal and real forms. Once I started to understand that and begun to break that spell, I could finally realize how toxic, selfish, immoral and unethical some of my closest friends were, and the concepts featured in this video were really important for me to let this people go away. And guess what? It's been great without them near me 🙂

    • @PHlophe
      @PHlophe 2 года назад +5

      Joao,first of all you've got the longest name ever. its like you are a Duque de Brasilia or something. the difficulty to break the spell you are referring to is that. by the time you think of cutting people you've had a long history with them and they appear in many facets of your life and when you remember certain portions of your existence they play a star role in it.. i learned to distanced myself from 2 people without creating chaos. i ghosted them gradually. My cousin told me i was beneath him because i am an albino and i look like an unfinished circus freak. that was my cue to say goodbye without actual words

    • @taralu6505
      @taralu6505 2 года назад +1

      I think you put that together perfectly. I learnt the same in therapy 😊 makes me feel better knowing that Im not the only one doing this.

    • @sophietucker3163
      @sophietucker3163 2 года назад +2

      Stopping idealisations comes with also stopping black and white thinking. When you stop idealising them you also stop seeing them as completely evil. I suggest you try to view your friends in a more balanced light. Both good and bad, nuanced and complex human beings. Black and white thinking - which is what you do - is a coping mechanism that helps you deal with complex thoughts. The well rounded nature of most people is often too much for people like you to cope with. So you either label the people in your life ‘amazing’ or ‘evil’ or....‘ all good’ or ‘all bad’......learn to understand no one is as simple as that. Humans are full of complexity and we must embrace and accept that.

    • @firstlast9933
      @firstlast9933 2 года назад

      @TaraLu @JoãoMarcosRodartedeCarvalho I think you both guys need to ask a further question- why is it that you create idealisations of others. It's not enough just to be awarer of it and force- stop doing it, although that's a step forward. If you look into the 'why', start exploring it- you will really start learning something about yourself.

  • @jamiecullen9075
    @jamiecullen9075 5 лет назад +120

    I genuinely cried watching this because it was something that connected with me so much

  • @earthatom7
    @earthatom7 4 года назад +186

    This is a good lesson... In my early 20's I walked away from my HS "friends" and also a couple childhood "friends". I realized it was toxic, and they were actually holding me back. They were constantly tearing me down while I was constantly seeking their approval. As soon as I let them go my life got progressively better and I became a little more successful every year since (I'm about to hit 40). You should have friends that support you and care for your well being...

    • @CodeBrown1.1
      @CodeBrown1.1 2 года назад +4

      It's tough to realise you were just there to make certain "friends" feel better about themselves (ie superior to you). It sounds like you're now better placed to spot when other people try it now though.

  • @cjburger8482
    @cjburger8482 4 года назад +37

    Any child of a narcissistic parent can surely relate to this. We need to hear, "Put as much effort into yourself as you do with everyone else." We tend to put our worth into those toxic relationships and not necessarily with ourselves.

  • @s.ewasiuk7715
    @s.ewasiuk7715 5 лет назад +94

    This is a perfect message to those friends who aren't there when you need them the most.

    • @HeyItsTheWykydtron
      @HeyItsTheWykydtron 5 лет назад +5

      Maybe those are the friends that has given up on you. Maybe your the person they've all given up on. Don't forgot to switch perspectives.

    • @s.ewasiuk7715
      @s.ewasiuk7715 5 лет назад +21

      @@HeyItsTheWykydtron You may want to re-watch the video. I thought it was obvious, but I'll break it down for you: I'm referring to friends I've always been there for but when I need them they've disappeared. (So I'm obviously not going to chase after them.)

    • @Sandra-lb5pu
      @Sandra-lb5pu 5 лет назад +3

      Amen! Not just the fun good times.

  • @kimiknows
    @kimiknows 5 лет назад +349

    One of my greatest lessons in life is the ability to walk away from toxic people without a sense of guilt.

    • @E.Wrayburn
      @E.Wrayburn 3 года назад +18

      I really wish I could master that ability. I'm learning, though. The hardest ones are the relatives, because we are taught that "family is everything" from early on. Some can be, but others can ruin you beyond repair.

    • @megdoe6482
      @megdoe6482 3 года назад +3

      Easier said than done 😔

    • @pervertkun8152
      @pervertkun8152 2 года назад +2

      Took me a while

  • @tawandazindoga711
    @tawandazindoga711 4 года назад +147

    Watched this twice and fell into a catharsis of tears. It is not easy to shut out ones parent especially if their version of toxicity doesn't look like it's life threatening to all appearances...

    • @9Nikko8
      @9Nikko8 3 года назад +10

      I recommend you to read the book Leaving Home by David P Celani if you want to read more about how neglecting or abusive households affect children in their adult life

    • @adkc19
      @adkc19 2 года назад +9

      emotional abuse can be the hardest to come to to terms with

    • @SuperDflower
      @SuperDflower 2 года назад +5

      If it threatens the health of your soul then it is life-threatening. I understand. I’ve been there myself. You have to choose yourself first. I know it can be extremely difficult and an alien notion, but if you allow it to percolate, you might find yourself a lot more comfortable with the decision. It’s OK to do what’s best for yourself. Why were you born otherwise?

    • @edmundtrebus4084
      @edmundtrebus4084 2 года назад +3

      I shut my family out. Mixture of freedom, anger, sadness. But mostly freedom

    • @giselediniz
      @giselediniz 2 года назад

      Nãos estous nãos. Estous Gisele mesmo

  • @GalacticTE
    @GalacticTE 5 лет назад +191

    i gave up on my narcissist parents a yr & a half ago for good, after 44 yrs of their bs, never been better 😊

    • @chendakou2307
      @chendakou2307 5 лет назад +8

      Wow, well done. May your path in life be more of blessings and goodness :)

    • @sterlingjoseph4385
      @sterlingjoseph4385 5 лет назад +16

      Me too. I gave up on my narcissistic parents nearly two years ago. If I did not have religious beliefs I would have done it two decades ago.

    • @smc1942
      @smc1942 5 лет назад +22

      I was 49 when I finally accepted my Narcissistic mother & half-brother were a lost cause. June 11, 2016, I cut all ties, went NO CONTACT, & broke free.
      It wasn't easy! A severe depression followed, lasting most of a year. This because I had wasted the best year's of my life on them. And tens of thousands of dollars trying to help them. That was never-ending! They always needed more, More, MORE!!! And when I had no more to give, they talked about me like I was trash in the street. That was the last straw.
      The first year was very difficult, but the last two year's have been the best of my life. And it's better everyday! Never again will I allow those people into my life!
      I share what I went through, hoping it will help other's find the strength they need to free themselves from their TOXIC relatives. It's hard. No doubt! But it's worth it!!!
      I'm always glad to read about other's who have broken free themselves! I am happy for you all! Go out today, & be GOOD to yourself! Best Wishes to all of you.

    • @comfeefort
      @comfeefort 5 лет назад +3

      @@smc1942 Sorry You had to learn that so late, why stick around to get kicked in the ass again.

    • @y9w1
      @y9w1 5 лет назад +2

      Well done 👍👍

  • @cajsheen2594
    @cajsheen2594 2 года назад +14

    People often say ' life's too short ', but always think, yes, too short to endure things that aren't right! XXX

  • @AYKAY88
    @AYKAY88 4 года назад +49

    This made me smile. I recently (3 days ago) made one of the hardest decisions to give up on my ex husband and partner of 5 years who gaslit and abused me for the majority of the time but constantly promised to change.
    I feel I made the right choice.

  • @osse1n
    @osse1n 5 лет назад +375

    No one can save a person, besides themselves. If there is no emotional conviction that a change is needed, no amount of positive affirmation will help.

    • @faisalmalik2349
      @faisalmalik2349 5 лет назад +2

      O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me ....yup👍

    • @friedrichwulfgang3655
      @friedrichwulfgang3655 5 лет назад

      O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me I saved myself once, then I fell right back where I was and I stayed were I belong.

    • @bushman_Wiki_Ninja_Voltage
      @bushman_Wiki_Ninja_Voltage 5 лет назад +4

      Nope you are wrong

    • @scaydsods2844
      @scaydsods2844 5 лет назад +5

      You can help those who you love with the example of a better self

    • @bushman_Wiki_Ninja_Voltage
      @bushman_Wiki_Ninja_Voltage 5 лет назад +10

      @@scaydsods2844 true. People change. Just that some of them don't, doesn't mean all of them don't. My parents will never change. But my ex changed a lot and evolved. Every person is different.

  • @Somnifluous
    @Somnifluous 5 лет назад +39

    Love ourselves enough to walk away from bad behavior, yes. And to see, love and accept others for who they actually are instead of who we want them to be and allow them to live lives of their choosing without our interference.

  • @theultimatereductionist7592
    @theultimatereductionist7592 3 года назад +57

    Your animation of the child seeking love is a real tearjerker.

    • @LacieWhy
      @LacieWhy 2 года назад +1

      It made me so sad.

  • @rossschwartz9219
    @rossschwartz9219 5 лет назад +111

    Self-compassion sometimes requires removing oneself from toxic situations to protect oneself. Mutual warmth, friendliness, and openness are much more desirable in my opinion.

  • @jamesmiller2521
    @jamesmiller2521 5 лет назад +94

    Left abusive relationships 10 month ago. Thank you.

    • @iseafools1559
      @iseafools1559 5 лет назад

      Good on you man! That must have been one hell of a step for you to take. What made you decide to walk away?

    • @mariee_e
      @mariee_e 5 лет назад +2

      @@iseafools1559 He realized he deserved better

    • @vahl1certified
      @vahl1certified 5 лет назад +7

      Same here. I was his emotional punching bag, passing the blame towards me and acting like he was the victim. I had to let go. It was scary, luckily it was worth it.

    • @liinliin7128
      @liinliin7128 5 лет назад

      Same here.

  • @santircastillo
    @santircastillo 4 года назад +33

    The reason I was still trying to keep them in my life was to show them that I was worthy of love, therefore showing myself that I was indeed worthy of love. I realized how toxic this was, and that they just didn't care about me like I cared about them, and that that just wouldn't change...and that that was ok, I just had to walk away.

  • @jaysonmaharaj8003
    @jaysonmaharaj8003 5 лет назад +301

    You are the CEO of your own life. Promote demote fire as needed.

    • @DeanRendar
      @DeanRendar 5 лет назад

      the twist of an undercover boss episode I dream of: some person was the real life Truman show since birth and just thinking about their tresspasses inflicted on them doles out them appropriate justice to the fake actor. All the while never knowing of the show or their executive abilities, now thats great power with demonstrated responsibility from someone who looked to the bright side much longer than anyone should be forced to. So long in fact, that failed mentality warped them and this knowing of a combinedkarma is exactally what their healing needed.

    • @yazanodeh8002
      @yazanodeh8002 4 года назад

      first last Don’t see how that necessarily fits into the analogy. Elaborate?

    • @beemonique8466
      @beemonique8466 4 года назад

      Yes! I absolutely always says this.

    • @philiposborne982
      @philiposborne982 4 года назад +5

      Well said. It's 2020. I've fired a lot of people from my life. They were expecting a return from no investment. I'm the boss, I don't take orders from anyone. They decided not to do as I asked. I decided to let them go. This is the nature of power. They forgot how many times I have helped them in the past. Now they won't get my help in the future. Their loss.

    • @ashleybeverly3884
      @ashleybeverly3884 3 года назад

      Thanks Bro! I'm gonna keep telling myself this for the rest of my life! 😌

  • @crepuscula5734
    @crepuscula5734 5 лет назад +215

    There is a difference between giving up on someone and walking away. I need to make that distinction, because I refuse to give up on anyone I love - why would I, every human is capable of growth and learning - just not with me by their side, taking all their bs. So I walk away. This is what giving space is all about. And yes, we can love people from afar.

    • @seunghoonha6995
      @seunghoonha6995 5 лет назад +21

      yes you can certainly do so but i wouldn't want to spend any more of my time, emotions and feelings on them; it will be unfair to people around me right now at this moment

    • @arifahezza
      @arifahezza 5 лет назад

      Yeah

    •  5 лет назад +7

      Well said. I am thinking about drug addicts and alcoholics here. Almost every family has one. It's very difficult to deal with your own problems, much less all the problems created by their addiction. Sometimes you just need a long vacation from all the problems they bring with them, even though you love that person.

    • @ricebunnymoon4624
      @ricebunnymoon4624 5 лет назад +3

      Nope, you gotta do both, the other still drains you as well...

    • @ricebunnymoon4624
      @ricebunnymoon4624 5 лет назад +9

      So Who's the Dummy Now? According to my experience of decades, People don’t change, we just get better at dealing with things that people throw at us ( if we actually take the time to learn how to defend ourselves) , and to do so you must break free and learn on your own. And you will leave them once it really hits you. (But it might take decades)
      and the fact that you are here is because you are the one that is the sensitive sponge 🧽 that people take advantage of and hurts... so we are the ones that have to learn independence so the others can stop depending on us because we want to desperately protect them.

  • @KD-rs6xx
    @KD-rs6xx 4 года назад +73

    I just learned how to do this, and I'm age 63. Sad... but it has helped me motivate and lose weight and begin to develop ideas for my last 20 years on earth.

    • @chinchillaka
      @chinchillaka 2 года назад +11

      That's wonderful, I was very late as well. Learning to love yourself is a process. It takes time. I hope you achieve everything you set out to do.

    • @Rb5241
      @Rb5241 2 года назад +1

      Perhaps 30 or 40 more years. Take care and they could be good years.

    • @O.O.O.K999
      @O.O.O.K999 2 года назад +1

      Me too. I'm 69 and it's only the past 10 years or so I've learned to walk away from people who hurt me, including one friend of 52 years. It was hard, and sad, to acknowledge that a once great and close friendship not only no longer existed, but hadn't for some time but when a 'friend' becomes a source of stress and upset, it's time to draw a line in the sand.

    • @racebiketuner
      @racebiketuner 2 года назад +2

      It took me 58 years to figure this out. Better late than never ;-)

  • @jayred333
    @jayred333 5 лет назад +47

    It's vital to maintain healthy boundaries in all types of relationships. Once our boundaries are crossed, it's time to rethink whether some relationships are worth keeping.

  • @irene6109
    @irene6109 5 лет назад +55

    The imagine at 2:16 is so powerful because child psychology shows that children compartmentalize trauma, and under extreme circumstances, will form separate identities of themselves (dissociative identity disorder) just to cope.

  • @CodeBrown1.1
    @CodeBrown1.1 2 года назад +33

    Real friendship means sticking with people when they are difficult or unreasonable; at the same time, you have to look after yourself. It's a difficult balance, but the sad fact is some friendships have a shelf life and you can't tell which they are beforehand.

  • @coffeechips9426
    @coffeechips9426 5 лет назад +269

    I have decided to walk away from my friend. When we talk, it's always about her and her current crush. She only asks how I'm doing so at least it'll look like our friendship is mutual. When I failed my board exams she still kept talking about herself, and I've just had enough.

    • @SV-uz6vk
      @SV-uz6vk 4 года назад +24

      I have had a similar friendship! It's really annoying when all they talk about is their romantic life and boys etc and it's like i go unheard :/
      Im just on polite terms with that friend now, nothing much. I hope things are good with you ✨

    • @MeTraD_Blk_Swn
      @MeTraD_Blk_Swn 4 года назад +14

      Yea those people

    • @brainymaster3582
      @brainymaster3582 4 года назад +1

      I can relate on that when she's the center of the conversation but it's fine with me. And when I failed my entrance exam we stop talking.

    • @christinebeames2311
      @christinebeames2311 4 года назад +4

      Hi yes , you needed mutual support , she was all take and no give , I hope you re took and passed ,

    • @jillwilkerson2032
      @jillwilkerson2032 4 года назад +16

      Sorry. I don’t think this is bad enough to leave. Especially if you haven’t talked with her and told her how you feel. She isn’t guilty of horrible abuse and might be willing and able to change. But she can’t change if she doesn’t know she’s offending you. Save your walk-away for someone who is truly abusive. If you walk away from everyone who has a problem while neglecting talking with them about how you feel, you won’t have any friends or family left.

  • @Ravengal101
    @Ravengal101 5 лет назад +38

    "Better to have been a monster or a wretch oneself than to have ended up in the hands of a parent unworthy of respect." ...That hit deeply.

  • @acluvac40
    @acluvac40 3 года назад +20

    This hurts to hear but I totally understand. Sometimes, always intervening in a loved one's cycle of suffering actually hinders their healing.

  • @rebeccaknox4652
    @rebeccaknox4652 3 года назад +12

    At the age of 69, I’m just now realizing how I have clung to one way friendships where I felt I supported them but when I needed a friend I sit alone. This is hard but I’m hoping to bring healthier people that aren’t always the victim, thank you so much for presenting this.

  • @bethwardell6451
    @bethwardell6451 4 года назад +53

    Most valuable info I've been given in years. Wish I had of known this 20 years ago! Not leaving people to their own ruins has forever been a source of demise to my own self and life. Believe what people show you and don't paint them better than they are.

  • @toots810usa6
    @toots810usa6 2 года назад +31

    I wouldn't call it giving up on a person, I would call it choosing no contact when you realize the relationship is toxic, and you know you are healing when you reach indifference.

  • @deniseodendaal5824
    @deniseodendaal5824 5 лет назад +29

    Sometimes we are just conditioned to stay in and try and make it work but if you’re punished for communicating, stonewalled for trying to talk about things, it’s best to just walk away ..... until these people realise how destructive it is to the person who only wants to communicate to you , you’ll continue to be punished .....

  • @hillerm
    @hillerm 4 года назад +60

    My problem is that once I learned to do this, I became too good at it. When people upset me, they’re gone. I don’t even fight with them, I just stop talking to them. It was very liberating at first, but eventually I ended up with few friends.

    • @pervertkun8152
      @pervertkun8152 2 года назад +36

      Relatable except last two sentences, I'd rather be alone than living with trash.

    • @sonnyroy497
      @sonnyroy497 2 года назад +13

      Better to have a few good friends.

    • @tamcapote8475
      @tamcapote8475 2 месяца назад +2

      Its the best feeling to only have “true friends”

  • @stephaniecarrow4898
    @stephaniecarrow4898 3 года назад +27

    One of the reasons children ~ and adults ~ blame themselves is that it gives a (false) sense of control. "If I am better (prettier, smarter, slimmer, richer, etc.) the other will grow to love me. It's in my hands."
    Also, the best way to guage the health/toxicity of a relationship is to ask, "How do I feel about myself when I'm with this person?" If our self-esteem is consistently positive, it's probably a healthy relationship. If our self-esteem fluctuates or plummets, it's likely unhealthy.

  • @leoisforevercool
    @leoisforevercool 5 лет назад +24

    This came at the perfect time in my life.
    A friend of mine for years chose their new emotionally abusive love interest over me because I warned them of the toxic/manipulative behavior I noticed.
    The love interest in question convinced him I'm the problem and not her.
    Don't waste your time on the wrong people.

  • @connection03
    @connection03 5 лет назад +134

    honestly thought I was basically the only one with this “heroic” type mindset.
    I’ve been trying to help this other person out for so long when I really should’ve been helping myself.

    • @naissketching395
      @naissketching395 5 лет назад +16

      I used to do that too... it's really destructive. You can't help people that can't help themselves. Save yourself. Save your time.

    • @smc1942
      @smc1942 5 лет назад +2

      Nais Sketching ;
      You nailed it!
      That's exactly what I was thinking!

    • @steffigracec8894
      @steffigracec8894 5 лет назад +4

      What the hell is wrong with us, really. :( I used to only empathize with someone who is broken and now i am broken myself because of her.

    • @Koyasi78
      @Koyasi78 4 года назад +2

      Thinking you can fix or control someone else is a symptom of abuse. It's also detrimental to the other person as they become just a tool for your ego.

    • @JoannaCubana
      @JoannaCubana 4 года назад

      @@Koyasi78 true

  • @mdgqTube
    @mdgqTube 4 года назад +40

    I really needed this 30 years ago.

  • @sofacat2393
    @sofacat2393 5 лет назад +78

    Giving someone else the entirety of subjectivity, while starving ourselves of it completely.
    Well timed video.
    Childhood responses strike again.

    • @larsvonrinpoche1229
      @larsvonrinpoche1229 5 лет назад +8

      Well said.
      Shocking how big that child is within us hey?

  • @illona2537
    @illona2537 5 лет назад +85

    This was perfect timing, I just had to cut off my dad permanently because he just never changed, he's been the same abusive person for years and I finally realized that I can't keep making excuses for how he treats me. He crossed a line, one that I just couldn't take anymore. I could take the beatings but for some reason not this. Never tell your children to kill themselves, even if you think it in your darkest moments never say it, you'll lose them forever, it not physically then mentally and emotionally. guaranteed.

    • @howtomeetwomen-
      @howtomeetwomen- 5 лет назад +15

      That's messed up and I'm really sorry.

    • @phantomsmama
      @phantomsmama 5 лет назад +9

      Am coming to the realisation (through friends and this video) that I maybe should cut off from my emotionally abusive dad. The thought of it is very painful, like cutting off a part of myself. I know how to do it physically, by not visiting him any more, but I don't know how to break away psychologically, i.e. not feel guilty about it and wonder if I should have persevered till the end. He's 85 and in a home now. I live 300 miles away and visit him once a month. I never know how it's going to go, will he talk to me, will he be difficult, will he be rude? He was difficult, manipulative and controlling throughout my childhood and made my mother's life a misery. She wouldn't hear a bad word against him. Sometimes when I go I can cajole him into some semblance of a normal conversation and he throws me some crumbs of niceness. But yesterday he was so unpleasant yet again, cutting, rude, pushing away all my attempts at conversation. I was tired, and the tears ran down my face as I, for once in my 57 years, told him how he was making me feel. He said nothing at all, just that it was unpleasant to sit with someone who kept blowing their nose all the time. At last I asked him if he loved me, and he replied 'I won't say yes and I won't say no'. So I washed the tears from my face, said goodbye and left.
      Am I mad to keep going back for more? I feel like a child needing his love and approval, and I also feel intensely sorry for him for choosing to live in the bleak way he does because he suffered physical and emotional abuse from his parents.

    • @illona2537
      @illona2537 5 лет назад +9

      @@phantomsmama Let me just start by saying, you aren't crazy for wanting you're dad to love you. That's normal, all of us want that, and when we are denied it for so long we can become desperate for it, any semblance that they will turn around one day and apologize and tell you how much you matter to them and that they'll never treat you they way they did again. We want to cling to that hope that they will change and be better and it can happen just very very rarely from my expirience. If you're dad is still treating you this way at 85 I'd say it's time. I'm sorry he said what he said to you.
      I reccomend an episode from a show called Bojack horseman. It really brought a lot of things into perspective for me. It's season 5 episode 6, you don't need much context for the episode so don't worry too much about missing things. Bojack is at his moms funeral. The entire episode is him monologue about how his mom died and through her whole life never treated him with an once of respect. It made me realize that I need to let go of my dad. Even though I wanted him to stop his abusive behavior I realized I didn't want to be at his funeral one day feeling horrible because to the very end he decided to stay the abusive person he was and I took it all to the end when I didn't have to. It'll just damage you to do it, and it will damage you to be there at the end feeling that you've had the ultimate loss. Never having a good father in life to his very end.
      You need to focus on you're happiness and mental health because that's what matters. You don't have to try and make people who want to be miserable happy, just let them be what they choose and if it is to be miserable then let them do it alone. Don't let him drag you into it with him. I think his reply to you speaks volumes. Do what in the long run is best for you're happiness. It might hurt in the moment but thing ahead. I hope you find what you're looking for and that you can move past this in strides.

    • @illona2537
      @illona2537 5 лет назад +4

      @@howtomeetwomen- Its okay, I mean it's not really but I'll be okay. It's been a bit since I cut him off and I'm already feeling like I can be happier now that he's gone.

    • @Skipidy720
      @Skipidy720 5 лет назад +5

      My wife told me to kill myself. I'll never forget that.

  • @missmumpitzyt
    @missmumpitzyt 3 года назад +17

    "Those who have most to complain about don't even raise their voice." So true.❤

    • @cashmererose1101
      @cashmererose1101 2 года назад

      And the day you do somehow you are the bad one or you’ve changed ..sigh

  • @USSResolute
    @USSResolute 5 лет назад +388

    We're told time and time again that "if you really love someone, you won't quit them". It's in songs, in youtube videos giving dating advice, and in religious/philosophical movements that teach us to forgive, to give the benefit of the doubt, to hold on to hope. Not surprisingly, many of these same people do some of the least kind things to us, manipulate us, and treat us as doormats. They prattle this philosophy, not necessarily because it's good for us, but because they have something to gain from it. On the other hand, we are taught to let those we love go and if they come back they are ours. So, we start to yearn for them, and even when we let them go, we do not actually let them go. Sometimes people demand that we forget and forgive their past, that people change, and that they aren't that person anymore. Doing it once might be an error; doing it repeatedly is a choice, a character, and a conviction. As some know, the outside behavior to at least some degree reflects who they truly are on the inside. Unable to accept this among the din and dissonance of selfish society, we let people hurt us and abuse us, because we have been taught that people change and give them a chance. They can change. Most of them don't. By the time we are adults, we are so deep in our ruts that the energy required to leave those ruts and take a new path exceeds the willpower of most people to change themselves. Just because people can change does not follow that they will or that they must, no matter how much we may wish it.

    • @adiyogi999
      @adiyogi999 5 лет назад +8

      Woah !! Too much Wisdom !!!!

    • @dawna4185
      @dawna4185 5 лет назад +4

      very well said!! ty

    • @isidoro19david65
      @isidoro19david65 5 лет назад +3

      Facts right here bro

    • @shawarmageddonit
      @shawarmageddonit 5 лет назад +15

      This comment should be a video in and by itself.

    • @lisavaccaro9700
      @lisavaccaro9700 5 лет назад +3

      USSResolute this is so perfect! Thank you! I have had to let a few people go this past year. It’s not been easy, of course. But, there’s a time when enough is truly enough. You have to love yourself enough to realize that you deserve much better than what you were given. After that, within time, both you and they realize how valuable you are. Sometimes it’s too late, which is unfortunate for them.

  • @mattgunnell9416
    @mattgunnell9416 5 лет назад +10

    You must love and take care of yourself before you can love and take care of anyone else. It's difficult to say no and walk away, but sometimes it's what must be done. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, because no one else will. I learned this from a bad relationship.

  • @mikeakers2043
    @mikeakers2043 4 года назад +63

    when you look at someone you love...a brother..or sister or even a parent and think to yourself..if i was not related to them would i even be friends with them. thats when i walked away

    • @E.Wrayburn
      @E.Wrayburn 3 года назад +3

      Sadly, in my case, the answer would only be "yes" regarding my sister.

  • @Milestonemonger
    @Milestonemonger 5 лет назад +441

    Children don't have a choice.
    We do. Stand up for yourself and calmly walk way. You'll be fine. I promise.

    • @cantwaittodietoday9924
      @cantwaittodietoday9924 5 лет назад +3

      SJA I cant I am being tortured by the psychiatric assholeciation who sees me as their human experiment for their narcissistic supplies and sociopathic thrills. they torture me with everything I hate and scared of then they will laugh at me mockingly. there is no escape from them only death.

    • @sleverlight
      @sleverlight 5 лет назад +2

      @@cantwaittodietoday9924 Im very sorry to hear that...how old are you? You can get away when you're 18.

    • @cantwaittodietoday9924
      @cantwaittodietoday9924 5 лет назад

      Noora نورة cant they disregard all forms of human rights for patients at their hospitals imagine innocent civilians whom the gangstalk

    • @sleverlight
      @sleverlight 5 лет назад

      @@cantwaittodietoday9924 huh? I dont understand what you're saying. English isn't my first language

    • @hellatze
      @hellatze 5 лет назад +8

      If you are children. Who gonna support you when you walk away ? :(

  • @SFVetNeph
    @SFVetNeph 5 лет назад +120

    I gave up on my college classmates years ago. Better to be alone then be with people who make you feel lonely.

    • @lizzy4827
      @lizzy4827 5 лет назад +10

      Same, I felt so used always helping them and they didn't even say thanks!

    • @zero5496
      @zero5496 5 лет назад +8

      And I ghost them

    • @mistarelentless5722
      @mistarelentless5722 4 года назад +4

      So relateable

    • @jizzlow123
      @jizzlow123 4 года назад +1

      I gave up on many people!
      And in my case, I would say.. It's my bad in a few situations!
      I learned my lessons and now I don't like much people!

    • @Elizabeth-yg2mg
      @Elizabeth-yg2mg 4 года назад +1

      Same; I didn't have many but one is mean, one alcoholic and one quite unbalanced with bipolar. I would love to have stayed in touch but it was impossible.

  • @minniesimmonsmoody4761
    @minniesimmonsmoody4761 2 года назад +5

    It's nice to find people who are willing to change. Some children grow into adults never learning boundaries or simply never learning how to be a friend. Narcissist are the ones to run away from and never look back!

    • @bumblebaa2327
      @bumblebaa2327 2 года назад

      it's so weird, to just run away. Not say anything? Not one last word of scolding? I know I shouldn't, they would only twist it and use to their advantage. But it feels strange…

  • @malabrinetica
    @malabrinetica 5 лет назад +38

    I needed to see this tonight, thank you so much for ridding me of my guilt because I've been avoiding my biological father for months now, it feels great to not see him or talk to him. Sounds bad but I have my own reasons. Thank you!

    • @starlightsky655
      @starlightsky655 4 года назад +3

      333 333 me too. I’ve tried 3 times over the last 27 years to have a relationship with my father, I gave it my all each time we made up with all my heart to be a good daughter . He continues to be who he always was, he’s just a bad egg. I’ve walked away and rebuilding my life again, it’s just too painful to have him in my life. I feel free.

  • @bookbackdrop2125
    @bookbackdrop2125 5 лет назад +145

    Something to think about: a lot of music and movies today celebrate the dysfunctional relationship and elevates the drama and struggle to become an ideal state and proof of true love.
    Romanticism is a key reason.

    • @violetselene244
      @violetselene244 4 года назад +6

      Very insightful observation, makes sense.

    • @bjap1563
      @bjap1563 4 года назад +6

      Every media nowadays revolves on beautiful lie of true and everlasting love.

    • @winnieamar9368
      @winnieamar9368 3 года назад

      Absolutely true!

    • @brunocp87
      @brunocp87 3 года назад +5

      Yeah.. but not just "today". It's a human condition. It gained traction with the advent of romanticism but we see it on ancient Greek... Persian... Indian mythology and the Bible. And drama and passion (pain) exist because they are beautiful. And Beauty is a human value and aspiration. But yeah, drama is good on books and movies but I'll pass that for myself. I look for a serene and humble life and relationship(s).

  • @nerdfornature
    @nerdfornature 4 года назад +7

    I thought I was giving up on people but I was actually just suppressing hurt and resentment with distance and silence. What a mind blow

  • @rathernotsay5629
    @rathernotsay5629 5 лет назад +17

    I found this on my estranged mother's birthday. Very apropos. Last year I finally had enough of hoping she would change her cruel ways. Thank you for this.

  • @lukehunnable
    @lukehunnable 5 лет назад +80

    My God, I have never gotten anything out of giving people repeated second chances and believing in "misunderstandings" under attitudes of hypocrisy, cruelty and sadism.
    If people you have fallen out with are good they will seek to make amends and ask for forgiveness for their faults. Don't try to force them to. You will pay a very heavy emotional price for it and it will never work. They may simply have no conscience.

    • @suzannebaker5270
      @suzannebaker5270 5 лет назад +3

      Amen! Me too!

    • @Free2B3
      @Free2B3 5 лет назад +4

      Omg..I needed to remind myself this. Thank you a million!

    • @threethrushes
      @threethrushes 5 лет назад +11

      You cannot forgive someone who isn't actually sorry for what they did or said.
      I walked away from toxic people, and I'm at peace.

    • @nihilism6226
      @nihilism6226 4 года назад

      Filipe Bastos.
      People are creepy, it's usually best to just kill them so you have a sense of closure and move on.

    • @qarreeayantumekonnen1205
      @qarreeayantumekonnen1205 3 года назад

      Spot on. Thank you for this post.

  • @sharongonzalez5187
    @sharongonzalez5187 4 года назад +14

    Bless you for posting this. It took me many years to understand this. Even in therapy I still had trouble accepting I had to give up on people to show myself respect and self love. It’s really difficult when the people you need to cut off are manipulative and make you feel guilty for putting yourself first. I think a lot of survivors of childhood abuse NEED to hear this message over and over.

  • @wobblybob5029
    @wobblybob5029 5 лет назад +9

    Six months ago I started walking away from toxic people, today I am alone, but I am in a far better place. It only took 33 years of my life to realise this. 😊

  • @missme1794
    @missme1794 5 лет назад +500

    Be careful when rescuing a drowning person, lest they pull you under.

    • @threethrushes
      @threethrushes 5 лет назад +49

      Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

    • @Heliotail
      @Heliotail 4 года назад +18

      Yes, but at the same time do not contribute to someone's drowning.

    • @carriebilly6312
      @carriebilly6312 4 года назад +16

      Beware the naked man who offers you clothes

    • @aamuirman
      @aamuirman 4 года назад +6

      And be sure you are a strong enough swimmer to actually be helpful and survive.

    • @bjap1563
      @bjap1563 4 года назад

      @@aamuirman Literally yes. 😆

  • @acarnold
    @acarnold 4 года назад +16

    The animators/designers they get for these shorts are fabulous. Some serious talent on this channel.

  • @effingsix3825
    @effingsix3825 5 лет назад +449

    The irony is that the caregiver ‘gives up’ on the child first, when they don’t live up to outlandish expectations.

    • @kilgoretrout6136
      @kilgoretrout6136 5 лет назад +11

      Best comment.

    • @775.-
      @775.- 5 лет назад +9

      What if this guilty tripping people were your parents? Should you walk away or what?

    • @AleXander-eo3iz
      @AleXander-eo3iz 5 лет назад +17

      @@775.- When/if you can then yes

    • @kilgoretrout6136
      @kilgoretrout6136 5 лет назад +3

      @@775.- Is your relationship with them hurting you? And what role do you play in that ?

    • @775.-
      @775.- 5 лет назад +9

      @@kilgoretrout6136 It hurts crazy cause they are very judge mental but walking away can be a big sin if you're religious do u think its big sin to leave them?
      -For the moment im just setting big boundaries to keep the poison away for awhile.

  • @myeolchiioppa
    @myeolchiioppa 5 лет назад +20

    Thank you so much for this. I wish I learned that much sooner. Spent nearly a year holding on to someone I called the love of my life who turned out to have never wanted me in the first place. It was so consuming and I was left with nothing but damage but there's only me to blame as I had to know better much sooner. Hope I'll learn to respect my limits later on.

  • @steveedwards4635
    @steveedwards4635 4 года назад +25

    I'm an adult child of alcoholics. Took me years to understand this about my parents and myself.

  • @S1eep1ess
    @S1eep1ess 5 лет назад +72

    This explains some of my deep nature to seek out approval from others. Cheers.

    • @dominostimes2119
      @dominostimes2119 5 лет назад +2

      @Dino Mađarić you just have to know this behavior is not on purpose. But you gotta acknowledge it to get out and let things go.
      .. not a « psychological method »

    • @dominostimes2119
      @dominostimes2119 5 лет назад

      Only when we allow ourselves to spot that :)
      I ve been in the full process. Grateful for all I found. No one is able to do it bc the hardest part is... just the beginning.
      A lot stop here, and that’s why the world will keep on being a bad place where history will repeat itself

  • @xiajiao0212
    @xiajiao0212 5 лет назад +17

    Thank you. Really.
    I kept giving my ex a chance, and keeps hurting me.
    just before seeing this vid, i told him i will not be around anymore. And that’s relieving... painful but surprisingly feels in control again. Now seeing this video... all I want to say is thank you

  • @BLACK-AUTUMN-MAGICK
    @BLACK-AUTUMN-MAGICK 2 года назад +5

    I can't really say that I've "learned" anything from this, but it's nice to hear affirmations of lessons that I've learned on my own.... I've recently looked back on the years that I spent trying to get through to family members as a waste of time... Realizing that they were never going to make the effort necessary to change.

  • @amramhyde
    @amramhyde 4 года назад +23

    "The best of childhoods is an open prison." WOW!

  • @haroldbenson5270
    @haroldbenson5270 5 лет назад +115

    "We need to do something very strange: walk away.."

    • @gidgetadams1306
      @gidgetadams1306 4 года назад +4

      Absolutely. It’s hard to let go but your better off alone than to be disrespected and stressed out.

  • @edgardovalencia2177
    @edgardovalencia2177 4 года назад +110

    I used to have so many friends, and the funny thing is that they were full of flaws but yet I was always there to help them un any way possible. I went through a depression, I lost my father after a long battle against cancer and a few months later I got a divorce and I wasn't quite myself anymore. Suddenly I found myself completly friendless the wouldn't even return my messages ( I was, I supose, too dificult to deal.with) I don't hate them or.anythinh, I just regret all the years wasted having their backs when they needed me.

    • @animalcol1
      @animalcol1 3 года назад +14

      I know how you feel.
      It's tough, but I'm glad I'm going through the same thing now. It means I won't waste any more of my time with people who don't deserve it.
      I hope things have improved for you since your post 🙂💛

    • @lemonlimeluv2
      @lemonlimeluv2 2 года назад +19

      Sorry you had to go through that all alone. It’s as if the most supportive people are really lone wolves when it comes to their personal issues.

    • @kaleadean3953
      @kaleadean3953 2 года назад +2

      Same story here. I used to always say my friends are my family (mainly because I didn't have much of a family to begin with). Then I hit a rough patch and, well, no one was there. No One.
      Eye Opener.

  • @TheDaxter999
    @TheDaxter999 5 лет назад +22

    It took me 10 months of therapy to learn how to do this. It's so nice seeing it in a good video :)

    • @talkinteefs
      @talkinteefs 5 лет назад +1

      It takes such a long time, it's unreal

  • @Milo-tj
    @Milo-tj 4 года назад +7

    A mentor of mine once pointed out that while Baby Boomers tend to be packrats or hoarders of possessions (and may struggle to let THINGS go) as a result of their trauma, whereas their children (GenX and Millennials) tend to be hoarders of relationships as a result of their trauma, and struggle to let any relationship go. As an elder Millennial, I definitely saw my Baby Boomer parents and myself in that observation.

  • @chiramos310
    @chiramos310 4 года назад +7

    Yes!!! School of Life you have done it again! I just walked away a month ago and never felt more free! Yes, i am still in the process of grieving the relationship but I cry less than we were together. I was caught up into my idea that maybe one day he'll change or he's a good person deep within. I have self esteem issues, and by walking away i believe it's one giant leap towards loving myself. ❤️❤️❤️

  • @arsonfly
    @arsonfly 5 лет назад +44

    Liberating video if you're not one of the people who need to be given up on.

  • @euanelliott3613
    @euanelliott3613 4 года назад +3

    I had to let go of my narcissistic relatives as life with them was awful.
    In the few months since I've gone no contact I've felt calmer inside and I realise they were offering fake regards and insincere love.
    My mother and father were narcs too but they died years ago.
    I live my own life now, I have retained a love for humanity and for nature, and like everyone else I hope for a better tomorrow for us all.
    Thank You God.

  • @EliahHoliday
    @EliahHoliday 5 лет назад +38

    Good advice. It's a lesson I've had to learn a few times. It's a difficult life skill to master. Especially if you're disposition is to be empathetic and forgiving. At some point you have to realize the pain and frustration ain't worth it.

  • @lwdeh
    @lwdeh 4 года назад +9

    The artwork is absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It deeply hit me. This is so true for a lot of us.

  • @ulaachtez2306
    @ulaachtez2306 4 года назад +9

    I tried to help a covert narcissist, change was superficial, it was all an act. The track record was manipulation, everything said was projection and confession. Sometimes there is nothing good inside to grow. You just have to be strong and walk away for good.

  • @brugo
    @brugo 2 года назад +10

    You probably have no idea how much these videos are helpful. Thank you so much for all your work. Thank you.