The Fear of Ending a Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 11 фев 2020
- Some of us live in such dread of ending a relationship, we'd rather sacrifice our chances of long-term happiness rather than endure a tricky few hours. But the discomfort of endings can be overcome once we understand that ending a relationship doesn't have to mean ruining things for a partner, it can actually mean saving their lives.
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FURTHER READING
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“Let us imagine that we know what we want - to leave a relationship - but that we are suffering from a problem which inhibits us from acting on our wishes: we can’t bear to cause another person pain, especially another person towards whom we feel a sense of loyalty, who has been kind to us, who looks up to us for their safety and their future, who has expectations of us and with whom we might have been planning a trip to another continent in a few months. Perhaps we have come near to telling them on a dozen occasions, but always pulled back at the last moment. We tell ourselves that we’ll get around to it ‘after the holidays’, ‘once their birthday party is over’, ‘next year’, ‘in the morning’, and yet the deadlines roll by and we are still here…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Natalia Biegaj
www.nb-animation.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Vale Productions
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I'm surprised you didn't mention the fear of being alone...I think ALOT of people stay in unhappy relationships because they are scared of being on their own
Return 2 innocence - I was thinking exactly the same thing.
@@trey-frey3963 I wil do that TraFra I am in the process of research for a video on my own channel to help women in this situation. Thanks for the info
Agree.
Your name is my favourite song.
If only people knew how great it feels to be alone
I ended a 2 year relationship a week ago that I knew for a long time I wanted to end, but I was crippled by fear. Fear of hurting him, fear of the unknown, fear of regretting it, fear of not finding anyone better. I turned myself inside out trying to make this decision, and when I finally did it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But even though I'm sad to say goodbye, the relief I feel now is unbelieveable. To anyone going through this, trust yourself and trust your instincts. You know what you need to do.
Thanks hun
I appreciate that message, I'm really in the same situation, will be 3 years in july, however my girlfriend is very insecure, I trust her 100%, however it's almost the feeling she doesnt trust me when she says she does. I am 100% loyal and doesnt ever cross my mind however her past has made it hard for her. I've lost a lot of confidence, dont talk to many people as I'm questioned all the time, I love her ridiculously but no it isn't right. I've tried to tell her and she knows but doesnt get any help. I myself have therapy as I have anxiety like her. It almost feels way past the help as I cant live a happy life, and an being controlled, even towards my family. Which is really sad. I'm trying to find the best way to move on without hurting her but the thought of it kills me inside.
I was in the same situation as you. Fear of being alone and hurting him controlled me, made me depressed so much.
but when i got out of that relationship, it was such a relief, i can truly love and orientate myself now.
we still get along as friends or in other words, we have been gradually parting and accepting the truth.
I hope y'all find your way and loneliness is not that scary, you can make it.
@@parallelparker2045 Eventually you're going to have to realize that no matter how you do it, she is going to be hurt. The only thing you can do is be as compassionate as possible in the manner in which you end things and accept that what happens next, whether she freaks out or goes into a downward spiral, it's outside your control. What also helped me was realizing that I'm not doing something wrong by ending a relationship that doesn't make me happy. It's okay to put your happiness first. Good luck xx
@@PhuongLe-ri7tq Exactly! I'm still only a month out but I forgot how happy and full my life could be. I feel amazing now.
Why does telling the truth sometimes feel like you're committing a crime?
because both can cause unpleasent consequences
Because humans are emotional creatures.Though we know the need of truth to be unfold, we aee afraid of how the other person would take it. In short we feel responsible for telling the truth as well as the reaction of other person towards the same😊
because truth hurts, that's why and our consciousness is telling us to not do it because we would feel guilty of hurting the other person. If you really love someone, their pain will also pain you. What most people don't understand is that being unhappy in a relationship and continue on with it, it's 10 times worse. It destroys not only your partner but yourself too. When you stop loving someone, you will start showing it unwillingly and they will see it, they will notice so they will also start behaving like that. If you find yourself in a relationship you don't want anymore, don't wait, free both of you.
Because honestly “We can’t handle the Truth” when we hear truth it no longer has that pure sense that this is right and good. Our World Hates the truth and does want to outlaw the truth. If the Truth could be told?
@@PATAMA12345 "The truth shall set you free" comes from the bible. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father (GOD) except through me," (John 14:6) "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32). 🕊
Girlfriend: What are you watching there?
Me: Ehhh... some nonsense
o.O
Hahaha
Yeah,I'm in this situation too .haha
😆
That's the right answer. Otherwise you'll find yourself on Mars with no idea how you got there
Bold... They dropped this vid just before Valentine's 😂
maitrish jain frrrr haha
Perhaps their experience as psychologists has taught them that means people will often choose that day to pull one of their many stunts, maltrish jain.
Savage 🤣
@Matt Ludwig It seems possible. There are a million crazy stories. Perhaps the same person had said after the prior Valentine's day "You tricked me into being your Valentine," which could easily inspire jokes?
😂😂. This video is low key confirmation
Me: I feel kinda--
School of Life: ITS YOUR PARENTS
THEY ARE RIGHT
Mitsjol this cracked me up so much
Cause it usually is
They were coming all right, until they started talking about parents and childhood experiences
@@pebetsemothapo3038, search it deeply in your past. Revisit your beliefs.
Witness the amount of people touched by the video.
"We need to differentiate between love, attachment and the feeling of insecurity."
That's the TRUTH!
100%
💯
There is a video from School of Life which talk about this? Can you send?
Not to mention limerence is something that plagues a lot of couples and why relationship end fast.
The only thing I'm really proud of is, taking breakups so gracefully, and I had so many guys breaking up with me, whatever I feel in that moment, I don't share a tear in front them, and I say " it's ok, I wish you good luck, and you always will have special place in my heart" and go, if I meet them in future I'll say Hi and be polite, not because I'm nice person, my ego wouldn't let me to look weak , now I start to learn to put in my mind that anytime that person might decide to leave, and it's thier right, I don't own them, I start to appreciate the time I did spend with them, and the things I learned for them, letting go for my own peace of mind.
I like to tell myself that, but I don't feel that way
@@Janosevic80 the same thing, I was divested inside every time, just wouldn't show it.
@@Meryamtin At least you can walk away with pride then.
The point of relationships is to feel and to want the person near you. You dont need to be ultradependent but also not like 'they may leave at any moment'
@@paloma4444 what I mean we should love ourselves more, not to relying our happiness to onthers, anyone can leave us, death happened, we should live in the present yes, but we shouldn't be divested when someone leaves .
I need a video called "the fear of never starting a relationship".
Ikr! I push people away just so I can avoid that shit.
Yes. 😟
Same 😭
Human is men and women together.
This
I'm afraid that the next person who might want to be in a relationship with me would be worse than the current one.
"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
I feel this too. But you can't let fear lead you. Have courage and do what you feel in your heart is right.
A Name That is why it is important to take a look at ourselves and clear wreckage from our past, so that one is able to recognize “red flags” quicker when the next relationship starts.
Divo2Go 2017 Also, it is VERY helpful (he says, Glaring at his own stupid self in the mirror) to be VERY clear with oneself what it is we want and need in a relationship- BEFORE the next one starts. And then stick to your guns! 🎯😁
But you need to learn from your past relationships and try to get to know the person better you potentially want a relationship with. I for example wouldn't go for the same kinds of guys I've dated. It helps if you don't have a type. Just think what you really want from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but don't set impossible standards. Getting a huge crush on someone might cloud your judgement so it's better to first get on friendly terms. Actively looking for someone to date doesn't seem to work well either. You'll seem desperate and you'll attract other desperate people. This is just my view though. Just do your own thing and go places. Eventually, you'll meet someone special.
My husband knew he didn’t want me many years ago (never told me) and finally left me. He was afraid like in this video. It’s true what was stated at the end of the video that “you’re not doing them a favor”. He was distant, had short fuse with me, cheated on me, and wasted my youth. My advice for all of you is to first tell your partner how you feel and seek therapy, spend time together, etc. If those things don’t work then move on. I could’ve had precious years with someone else who loves and appreciates me. I could’ve suffered a lot less without getting cheated on.
Thank you 🙏🏽✨😊
I’m going through the same thing right now and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel :( I feel so lost
@@wiwihoyos lots of courage! Sending you love darling ❤ and if you welcome advice from a stranger, remember love is like a butterfly on the palm of your hand. It's the process of life, happiness doesn't mean much without pain. Don't get bitter, stay lovely and positive you'll attract just that. Peace!
Honey, you would have suffered less if you had more self respect. He treated you in a terrible way which should have pushed you away anyways. But you stuck around and allowed yourself to be treated that way.
@@emmarose9466 thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
For anyone needing to hear this:
It’s okay to be sad even though you were the one who broke up. It’s not selfish to feel that way - it’s human. You’ve deeply disappointed someone who trusts you and - most importantly - loves you. You’ve hurt a person you never meant to hurt. You don’t love the person you thought you would love the rest of your life. But in the end, what’s the point of a relationship if you don’t love anymore? You - just like everyone else - deserves real genuine love and so does the one you broke up with. Tell the hurtful truth so the both of you can eventually move on and hopefully meet the one you can love and be loved by the rest of your lives.
Thank you...
♥️
*cry*
Yeaaah!
Love doesn't exist ny friend...
Thank you, thank you, thank you
I wanna ungently end my relationship with student debt
Kana Koketso Kenney Kana big mood
The debt will never leave you. It’s clingy and needy like that.
Bernie!
beetdiggingcougar NO.
@kana koketso Kenny kana
Waaaa You chose debt in exchange for education. Bad choice? Still your problem. Are you going to cry after every big purchase? Grow up.
I ended a 5 year relationship 6 weeks ago and it was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I started having doubts about 9 months prior, just little niggles at first which I tried to ignore but it grew and grew over time until I was pulling myself apart over it from the moment i woke up to the moment I went to sleep. I couldn't think about anything else. Spoke to him regularly about it, but genuinely wanted to put him first and hurt myself before hurting him. it reaches a point where you can't live with it anymore and you have make a final decision. We lived together which made it so much harder to walk away. Now I'm so much happier even after just 6 weeks. first 2 weeks were so hard and you have so much doubt but now I'm starting to rebuild my life on my own and can put myself first for the first time in years. so liberating. I'm saying these things because when I was panicking so much about it before making that choice I raided RUclips for videos & comments which would help me, and if you're reading this you CAN do it. I thought I'd never find the strength to break things off but eventually you know it's time. Trust your gut, you've got this x
it is so good to hear that it gets better. thank you
How is it going?
@@TheBasketballPodcast Hi there, I'm doing really well thank you! I still think about him every day but I'm trying to focus on the positives of the situation rather than the negatives. I feel truly independent and have started so many new hobbies and gone on solo holidays. At first I really did wonder if it was the right thing but now I know it was. Trusting my gut was the right thing (even though I didn't want to hear that before I split up with him). Sending love if you're going through a similar thing x
@@IslaDaleWow you just described my situation, mine is a 6 year relationship, living together 3 years and having the same dialog to leave in mi head all the time. I'm so afraid of leaving, also searching youtube for advice... I have to end it soon but I feel very responsible of wasting my gf time to the point I feel I have to stay, did you feel the same?
@@Betongaslongas Hi I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. It's so awful and all consuming. Make sure you're looking after yourself
Yes, it is
- the fear of hurting them
- the fear of making a mistake or eventually regretting breaking up
- the fear of never finding anyone good again
- the fear that since what I am doing (breaking up with someone who loves me) is bad and ungrateful, then I am going to get some type of hecked-up karma and next time I will be in love and get dumped :/ even though I know keeping them is not doing a favor to both of us, if I get resentful and we're unhappy.
I also think the way mainstream media or pop culture portrays the dumpers, basically all over the world is very unfairly and unhealthily villifying.
This right here! So much truth! My last 6-7 months were spent on overcoming these fears.
This is exactly how I feel
The dumper is the villain if that person did not try to put in the work to change things in the relationship.
I pulled the trigger a month ago. Don’t lie to yourself, don’t lie to them. In the end the other will understand. Things will get uglier if you don’t. Also the animation of this vid was amazing.
🤝
How old were you were with him/her
I have been with my man for 10.plus years and we share a son who has severe autism ...I haven't felt the same towards him.in years ...but I'm having such a hard time telling him how I feel and that I dont love him anymore ..I'm so scared !!!😭😭😭
Stop uploading stuff that just somehow has to do with a particular situation I’m going through, it’s scary
I am with you in this sentiment. For the past bit, they keep posting things that are scarily relevant to my current situation.
Tiffany Hallmark I’m glad I’m not the only one. It’s helpful but also very weird and convenient in a way
This is a common bias. Easy to notice that this comment is under every video here. You just relate everything to your life. You beginn to see the things your mentally occupied with more actively. And miss others which are not on occupieing your mind.
Kognitive Resonanz well just this once I actually can really relate to this because this video speaks on a situation iv been in recently. But I wouldn’t say I relate to everything this channels offers because most of us won’t
They are tracking our lives using cookies.
Ending a relationship became a procrastination to me.
Khangelani Chili same. Just “celebrated” my 5 year marriage anniversary. Hope you figure it out
😂😂😂😂
I was in a relationship for like 2.5 years and at least a year of it was spent wondering if I should break up with her. Eventually I said something like “I’m not sure if I want to be with you anymore” and she said “I want to be with someone who is sure they want to be with me” and she broke up with me. It was a lot easier to have her break up with me.
Same.. I feel you 😢
@@JustBored589 exact same words...but after 4 years. That's rough man, wish you the best
I've been with my bf for 4 years. In this past year I've begun to realize we don't want the same things in life, we don't have the same prioritys or interests... We don't even want to live in the same state. I have no idea what to do. I love him but I'm starting to see a pattern of incompatability
Act now and sort it out. Discuss and fix things or separate as friends before children are involved.
Try to sort things out. Communicate properly.
Hey woody. How is it going 9 months later?
Same here...
Same
The little guy as a child is so cute
A guy as a child is tiring
I'm afraid of ending a relationship cause I know how it feels to be on the other side. It's painful. I don't wish that upon anyone.
Yeah it does but it's more painful to be in a relationship with someone that wants to leave. Would you want to be with someone who just stays because of pity? They will notice that and it is unevitable to break up. Eventually you will start to devalue him and make him feel upset all the time, blaming him for being not how you want him to be and so on, just leave him with dignity instead of tormenting him with your own lack of responsebility.
U are totally right
Care too much others means care too little for ourselves.
Love yourselves more (not to be selfish) as you are the one to be with you a whole lifespan.
that's the eternal truth to own happiness
Amen!
worrrrrd!
Many of us need therapy. We all have different attachment and the more you learn about yourself and your weakness. The better you will be or fix a relationship. It takes a lot to critique yourself and do self reflections. As long as both of the partners seek change and bring peace for the other then that’s a solid relationship. It’s not about “being selfish” it’s about being 50/50 with the other .
A RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT GIVING YOUR HEART TO ANOTHER PERSON NOT TO YOURSELF. YOU WANNA LOVE YOURSELF? LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND HUG YOURSELF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND SEE HOW IT GOES FOR YA SEE HOW LONELY YOULL BE AND DO SCOIETY A FAVOR LEAVE THE OPPOSITE SEX ALONE BECUASE YOURSELF IS ALL YOURE EVER GONNA LOVE ANYWAYS. AND THATS NOT LOVE.THATS TOTAL BULLSHIT.
I’m getting divorced after five months of marriage and a five year relationship prior. I looked past the red flags for years and thought we’d be closer after we got married and moved in together. I was so wrong. The manipulation, lack of intimacy, selfishness and lack of reciprocity was magnified 100%. Thankfully no kids, no shared accounts, no joint purchases. Get out while you can
SO LET ME GET THIS STRIAHGT WEIRDO. 5 YEARS YOU WERE WITH THIS PERSON AND YOU GOT ENGAGED AND MARRIED LITERALLY MADE THE CONSCIENCE DESICION YOURSELF TO DEVOTE YOUR LIFE TO THIS PERSON AND YOU WERE THERE 5 MONTHS PRIOR TO 5 YEARS OF THEIR TIME INVESTED IN YOU. AND YOURE PLAYING VICTIM LIKE YOU HAD NO CLUE WHAT YOU WERE DOING? WHAT RED FLAGS? YOU MEAN FLAWS? YOU MEAN THEY DIDNT LIVE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS? ARE YOU SAYING YOU DIDNT LIKE THEM OR THEIR FLAWS OR DIDNT SEE ANY FOR 5 YEARS PRIOR TO WALKING DOWN THE AISLE?! AND NOW YOURE TRYING TO SAY IT WAS THEIR MANIPULATION?! WOW! BY THE SOUNDS OF IT I THINK YOURE A MAILGNANT NARCISSIST WHOS PROJECTING.WHEN IT WAS NEVER THEM IT WAS ALWAYS YOU. YOURE MENTALLY ILL.GET SOME HELP. YOU BETTER DO SOME COUNSELING THAT POOR PERSON PROBABLY HAD TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND YOU. GOD FORBID THEY BURP OR YOULL LEAVE. YOURE ICKY. TOTALLY FLIPPING ICKY A TOAD.
How is it now??
My 5 years relationship will end tomorrow. 2 years of anxiety and fears will end tomorrow.
My future is bright and i deserve to stop suffering… she is awesome and will get over it.
Te amo Claudia, gracias por todo ❤️
Did you actually do it???
Yes bro and now I am flying@@franco_ngl. What a moment to be alive (L)
Mind sharing?
He married her
@@franco_ngl I did it bro and it's best thing I have ever done! I evolved a lot as a person and fking love my life!!!
I think the worst part is mourning not feeling the same before actually breaking up. Because you know the person is great, and a great friend as well. But to continue would make you both miserable.
This shook me to the core. It is something I'm trying to overcome. Not because I'd wanted to break up with my partner, but because I just recently discovered just how full of fear I am. To the point I'm not able to do simple tasks, because I'm scared. And it's so stupid. It sounds stupid even to me, when I'm not able to pick up a phone and call someone, when I'm not able to write into a diary because I'm afraid I'll mess up the notebook and make a mistake, I'm afraid to wear make-up, to draw and often even afraid to excersice or dance or talk, all I can see is me doing it wrong and others dragging me through mud because of it.
It's really fascinating how child's mind can interpret and comprehend its parents actions completely differently than the parent originally meant.
For long time I though I was depressed but really I'm just so scared. And I don't know what to do with the fact I can trace origins of this fear to my parents actions.
They weren't abusive or cruel, I know they didn't want to hurt me in any way, it just happened.
Sorry for the long comment, it just poured out of me.
Hope you all are doing great today 🌼
Update 05/2020 - The last few months has been very kind to me. I have learned a lot from book You can heal your life by Louise L. Hay. I decided this year I will do everything I always feared to do, even though quarantine has changed this plan a lot. But I still managed to bleach and color my hair, which made me very happy, I asked for a raise in my job, (because I found out I was ridiculously underpaid from my colleague) and got it. I send an application for University to get my degree.
But most important is: I decided I will not lie to myself anymore. My life is my responsibility, not anyone elses and I can't blame anyone for feeling unhappy, scared or caged. The victim mentality wasn't helping me at all.
I reconnected with my best friend after a falling out we had this time last year and realized I'm truly not as alone as I feel I am. There are people I just have to reach out to them, because no one can read my mind.
I had to relearn lots of pretty much basic truths about life. I was in a state where I didn't control my mind, my mind was controlling me. Which is completely backwards. There is so much more I want to say, but I don't want to come across as preachy or be overbearing.
Thank you so much everyone who took their time to read or respond to this comment thread, who shared their stories and troubles. I'm still taken aback by how many people can relate to me and to what I'm going through. I haven't expected it would gain this attention and this huge amount of kindness. I'm very grateful and wish everyone love and peace especially in these times. I hope everyone is safe and well.
It will get better. We have every tool, every requirement, every experience we need to turn our lives around and be happier. We can do it, we just have to get out of our heads into the real world and change the thought into action.
My mom has always told me life is pain and we are born to suffer, but that is not true at all.
Lots of love everyone, life is joy.🌼
Hope you find a peaceful solution soon. I'd like to say that the solution starts from accepting and acknowledging the problem first, and that you've done, now you just have to know your triggers and be mindful and calmly and patiently try to overcome this. Wishing you good luck 👍
@@munira8874 thank you so much ♥️ you're completely right. It's been really helpfull to finally know why I'm so irritated and tired all the time. I didn't even know what I was experiencing for years.
Thank you for taking time replying to my comment, it cheered me up!
You’re problem is more common than you might realize. We are all broken in some way from our childhood. It’s not your fault. Please find someone who is a professional to work through this with. That can be challenging in its own right, but totally worth it. I went through half a dozen Theripest before I found the right person to help me. It’s hard because by the third or forth Theripest I though I was broken beyond repair. I wasn’t broken beyond repair and am living a good life now knowing that the stuff that comes up in my mind has a source and a reason that I can cope with. In the meanwhile you might check out Dr. Gabor Mate and his lectures that are on RUclips. He does a lot of addiction work, but it all links back to childhood. Best of luck to you
Dear stranger,like someone mentioned here i realize its more common than we realize.Sometimes the fact that very small acts that hurt a kid can change the way he is as an adult scares me sooo much that i alwaz rethink if i ever wanna hav kids.I love kids n i want every kid to hav an emotionally healthy childhood so that they wont hav to spend the rest of their lives healing from their childhood wounds.Having said that i also feel grateful that we r being able to find the source of what of how we feel .Just imagine having a mindset all ur life n never getting to know why we had it in the frst place.Never give up on ur inner kid.Be there for that kid n keep helping that kid in healing.Lov n healing to all
@@martinbanks Thank you for taking time and for caring enough to write this. It seriously lifted my spirit and I am very happy to hear you are now doing better.
It helps me to see I'm not an alien, I guess some mental issues can make us very hypocritical.
I'm visiting a therapist for about year and a half now, and the mental gymnastics I did before I was even able to see I was having problem like this, were insane, it blows my mind looking back. It's very easy to keep yourself in some vicious circles.
Thank you for being so kind ♥️
“To allow us to be hated by someone that still loves us.”
There is no perfect relationship.
It's an Illusion that love lasts forever. Feelings are changing.
I think it's important to talk deeply with your partner and try to solve problems.
To end an relation istn't the difficulty, to make it work is.
Precisely!
Exactly. Love is a choice not a feeling.
Your brilliant! I love your response.
After how long is it normal in a relationship to lose the butterflies?
The difficulty is to decide wether you should go and work on the relationship or end it!!
This is why you need to be brutally honest from the start of a relationship. The girl that wanted to marry me for years suddenly left me after our relationship rapidly declined for 4 months or so. I tried talking to her about it, tried getting her to talk about her feelings, but there was nothing I could do to change her mind. Instead of dropping a bombshell on someone like that, just talk to them the second you have doubts about anything. Either work it out or end it there, don't cause dumb suffering for both of you in the long run. The truth might hurt, but it's better to invest the time into each other than lie to your partner for months or years and then end the relationship. Love isn't easy, never was, never will be, so get your act together and be honest to your partner.
be careful with the brutally honest tho. My ex used to accumulate things a lot until she just exploded and would tell me how she feels but at the same time attack me and say it in a very mean, heavy and unnecessary way.
I told my partner at least 3 times about having doubts, hard feelings and thoughts of breaking up, and all times he got upset and tried to bargain with me asking what he could do for me to make me happy and save our relationships, and I couldn’t fight it back and remained together. He has empathy problems so he doesn’t realise I feel unhappy with him, yet loves me emotionally like a child. I’m gathering up my courage to tell my decision one last time and confidently, this video is helpful.
@@kates5821 I just broke up with my girlfriend of three months who was just like that. She felt attacked and tried to justify herself and bargain whenever I’d bring up how I felt. In the end, it made me feel estranged and not listened to.
Earlier today, I dropped off the remainder of her things at her place and moving on. Wasn’t easy but it was worth it for the two of us.
In other words, don't be a "nice-hole" lol
I think your comment is very telling. you say she wanted to marry you, you never said you wanted to marry her. she probably thought like you were not all in. perhaps by the time you got around to talking to her about it she had already made up her mind because the writing was on the wall with you
I was with someone who’s depression grew and grew, i tried for twelve years, every day was hell.. No, change. Am I happy today, yes but I still love her..
you love what she represented
Augford P. Doggie hmm, the idea of her?
@@flowmotion_2 yes a lot of times people are so sad and lonely, or maybe even just convince themselves their partner is the one. And maybe he hasnt moved on because he has convinced himself she was. When in actuality he missed what she represents- someone to kiss to hold, someone to.remove him.from.his lonliness etc. Does that make sense?
Augford P. Doggie how do you know?
You're not wrong protecting yourself from getting sick because of her sickness...
What if its more of the fear of regretting ending the relationship?
Make sure you're breaking up for the right reason. Other than that you can't do much. There's a poem on the internet somewhere, I can't remember it really but it goes something like this:
"break up, or don't break up... you'll regret it all either way[...]"
I did two months ago, and I regret it, but at the same time I don't.
I regret it because I became an idiot towards her and my motivations for breaking up were foolish. She was my first love and my expectations of love were wildly inflated by netflix love dramas. I've made so many mistakes that it'll take me several more months to go through it all and extract lessons out of it. I was an utter scoundrel to her, because I believed she was standing in my way of indulging in blissful love every single day.
But I also don't regret it. Because despite all the pain, and the fact that i'll probably fail my course, and that everything seems dull and that my identity has evaporated - I've become less of a moron. That will hopefully be useful in the future. And maybe I didn't hurt her badly for her to despise me. So I might meet her again. And if I do, we'll both be better people. If I don't, the pain will fade after a while, and the natural instinct to procreate will overtake.
It's too late to back out anyway. This is part of life. So, make sure you have sound motivations. Take a month, or two month, or even longer, break from eachother with no-contact first before you decide on breaking up, then see where that leads you. Chances are that you're too comfortable in eachother's company and personal development has gone to a halt. But the chances are just as large that you're both fundamentally incompatible because of a clash of value-structures that you can't figure out how to meld together.
Follow your gut feeling and at least you won't hate yourself for it! But take into account that you're both flawed humans, and you might need to talk this through before giving up on eachother. Things will work out in the end one way or another. good luck.
@@Kubaaano very very eloquently put 👏👏
This.
Thank you for that. I definitely am feeling regret, but i also know im better off without him. I gotta get over this infatuation I feel because im so physically attracted to him and it makes me want someone who just doesn't fit into my life anymore. It's also hurting my self esteem but i know it'll pass. You're very wise for the way you're handling your break up, you're doing amazing. The regret and feelings shall pass 😌
@@ArcaneEiro incredibly so!
I told my partner at least 3 times about having doubts, hard feelings and thoughts of breaking up, and all times he got upset and tried to bargain with me asking what he could do for me to make me happy and save our relationships, and I couldn’t fight it back and remained together. He has empathy problems so he doesn’t realise I feel unhappy with him, yet loves me emotionally like a child. I’m gathering up my courage to tell my decision one last time and confidently, took therapy even. This video is helpful.
Omg this feels similar to my situation. I expressed my doubts and even told him I want to be single, but we kinda avoided talking about it since then and went back to old habits. (This was 4 months ago). And we're also long distance right now. We've been together since then. I know that in order to leave this relationship I must gather the courage to say I'm serious, this is it.
Did you manage to do it?
Did you guys do it???
He loves you emotionally and you still consider the break up decision saying that youre unhappy. Yes, book the theraphy very soon and ask the psychologist wether its you, or him who lacks empathy. Feminists mental illness piece of shit
What was so hard about breaking up with my most recent girlfriend was how the heck to even do it. She was a great person and didn't do much wrong, I just knew that we weren't meant to last. We hardly ever fought, so bringing up the idea of just breaking up sounded so unnatural and awkward. I'm not trying to play the victim here but sometimes just telling people to "man up and just break up with them" doesn't really help. People in that position FULLY well know that they should be initiating the break up... but I guarantee you that they have no idea in hell how to actually do that. None. I absolutely hated the time in my life where I was figuring out how to break up. I really, really wish there was more help for people in this position.
I’m literally going through this right now. It’s like no one understands how hard it is
😢
Identify the reasons that you want to break up/are dissatisfied. There's no way that nothing is wrong but you want to leave. Perhaps you're identifying their behaviour as morally just but it still bothers you. Discuss what bothers you with them. If everything else is going well then perhaps you can find a compromise and be happy together. Otherwise, if you find that the issue lies with you and that you want to work on yourself, or you have major differences in core values, or perhaps there never was genuine love, then perhaps there is good reason to end the relationship. Always communicate with your partner, however.
Im going through this for a 2nd time with the same person. We broke up 5yrs ago, were separated for 3yrs, and got back together 2yrs ago. The reasons for me wanting to leave are the same reasons I left the first time. Tbh I knew then and know now that it was the right decision, I dont regret it, BUT I decided to give it another shot for our son's sake. Honestly I wish I hadn't cause now I gotta reopen the wound. He's a genuinely good person and has been there for me, and its what makes me feel so guilty, unfortunately, he still wants to live with his parents and has no real goals. Its easy to paint yourself as a victim to ease your own guilt. But it truly just comes down to 2 good people on opposite paths.
@@trixs90able So so sorry to hear that :/ I'm certain that if I were in your shoes, I'd be feeling the same exact way. This stuff is so difficult when you truly truly appreciate the other person and can recognize that they've hardly done anything wrong at all. Like I said, I wish that there was more help for people in your position and it's not everyone telling you to get over it and break up already.
I've recently ended a relationship but I don't think my emotions or brain have accepted the fact yet
The Realest thing I've Read...
Happens
I know it doesn't seem like it, but they will
@@glenholmgren1218 good for you. Mine was more of a constant on and off, more of a matter of accepting incompatibility and wrong time.
Enjoy it
My boyfriend wanted to end the relationship but instead of mustering up the courage and telling me, he lied to me for months and then left me with some incredibly mean texts during my vacation with friends, thus ruining it :')
So to anyone who's "waiting for the right moment", please don't wait too long and do it while you're in your right mind.
I'm watching this while debating whether to end a 10+ year relationship. The thought of hurting my SO is sheer torture, but I also owe it to her to be honest. This video did a lot to help settle my decision.
how did it go?
How did it go??
Is everything ok? Take your time, of course! This is your life. Just remember that
I'm in the same situation. We've been together for ten years. I am totally unhappy and miserable. This sucks badly.
How's it now??
A few hours of unpleasantness.... try months... or years 😅
Didn't expect to see you here
It’s been 18 years and counting for me. Still not over her. Therapy is a waste of money, by the way.
@@JohnSmith-ns6dp damn what was so great about her? Unless she died
@Excuse Me Sounds like a choice to me based on fictional concepts of the person.
Beta
He’s the sweetest guy ever. I just really love being single. I love being in charge of my own life. I love having enough time to explore my interests and spend time with a variety of friends I love without guilt. I’ve nearly always been single and decided recently I should date more seriously, but I feel so guilty about time spent with friends and interests. I love our time together, but I really love my old life that had more time for the many people I love in it, time for myself, and simply having it be my own. But at the same time I will miss him so, so much. 😔💔
I totally 100% understand. Same boat
did you end up breaking up with him?
Yeah but it was because a big family emergency happened and he didn't understand that I couldn't be around as much for him while that person was dying or why I was so sad. @@beatricehughes3624
Keynote- without guilt
This went from ending relationships to child murder real quick... School of Life never disappoints.
😂😂
😂😂😂
Please please trust the red flags and do what you know so right as soon as you realize it. I stayed in a very toxic relationship for far too long because of fear of hurting someone and sacrificing the sort of comfort and structure being in a relationship had brought my life. The break up was very very messy and even included some very serious life or death issues as mentioned in the video. That being said, I would do it again a million times, I am so much happier and can be myself again, she didn’t deserve the person I would have become had I continued to live in that toxic relationship. This is what is best for both of us and I hope someday she can learn to see that and not resent me. I have since moved on to a loving and healthy relationship and the difference is amazing. If you’re reading this stop being afraid and holding yourself back from the future you deserve.
Experiencing exactly the same as yours now, I don't want leave him until this time because I truly love him but too much hurt and difficulties I faced alone. I need to choose my self and my sanity.
Good comment. What toxic red flags did you choose to not ignore?
@@sailing7777 the biggest one was the verbal and emotional struggles. She would tell me how great I was and how well I treated her and then literal moments later yell and scream telling me I was awful and didn’t deserve her. She would often times hang up on me and ignore me for hours when ever she was in one of her hating me phases. I got so hung up on trying to do whatever I could to bring out the side of her that treated me kindly that I would fall into very very down states when she would snap on me. She would then tell me I had no right to be upset over it and tell me I was wrong for being sad when she had decided to move past her anger. It was very emotionally abusive. After the breakup was even worse, she was give me long texts about how she loved me and wanted to be better for me, then when I told her it was best we were apart she would blow up my phone tearing me down telling me I never deserved her and I was a terrible person and wouldn’t be happy because I could never find anyone like her. The mood flips like this continued for over a month, all the while I tried to be kind respectful and helpful because she had threatened serious self harm to me and even made and attempt. If I had seen and acknowledged the emotionally abusive issues early on I would’ve saved myself a lot of pain and heartbreak and likely would have avoided some of her issues because she wouldn’t have become as attached and obsessive.
@@nathandeller5796I'm so sorry you went through this! You deserve so much more!
This is personal, and you don't have to answer, of course. Did she, by chance, have BPD?
This I love you/I hate you thing is a splitting coping mechanism.
You're perfect one moment and the enemy the next.
The phrase 'I hate you, don't leave me.' is often how family members and partners of people with BPD refer to it.
If BPD or something like it is in play here, you may want to do some research on google and find so many helpful resources. To help you understand why it happened and to heal the trauma of it all, etc.
I hope the future is better and you find everything you want and need in a healthy relationship with an absolutely amazing person.
Keyword- the person i’d have become
I was once afraid to end a long-term relationship. But once I did, oh boy was I happy. It’s freeing, give it a try
I think that I am afraid of starting a long term relationship
"Let's imagine that we know what we want"
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
I also ended an 8-year long relationship 2 years ago. I knew I wanted out when I realized my life will be the same whether he was there or not. I also could no longer see him as my husband. I felt so guilty and sad about it. Not a lot of people understood why I was sad, since I was the one who broke it up. I thought about all the possible things that could happen. Whether I was sure or not. But I held my ground. When I did end it, it was pure relief! I felt like I was set free. I felt guilty, but there was not an inch of regret.
Unfortunately my partner was too scared of ending our relationship and seeing me upset, he decided to do it by lying to and hurting me. Then he broke up with me over the phone (yes, after 6 years). I know we both wish that he could actually have sat down and had a conversation with me because I was in a dark place for months after. He still is in that dark place because he can't forgive himself for how badly he hurt and betrayed me. Respect and kindness goes a long way.
I really do hope my ex feels the SAME about me like your ex does about you. I hope he knows he hurt me, I hope he regrets it as much as I’m in pain. I have such a resentment towards I can’t even fathom to explain. It’s been 3 months since he broke up with me over the phone when I was at my father’s birthday party, that ended my day. I was deeply hurt, saddened and destroyed that he could ever think of breaking up with me bc all I’ve ever wanted in my life was to be with him. The first days and weeks are the worse, but I’m actually getting better. Still feel sad or very angry at times. I don’t know if anyone in this comment section feels the same, but after watching the video it didn’t make me understand my ex for breaking up, it just made me even madder to the point of having a tantrum, guess I’ll hold this grudge forever… maybe I’m just still heartbroken for feeling such strong hate for him for breaking up and I don’t see it fading anytime soon, maybe time fixes my wounded soul and I’ll leave this bitterness behind
my heart dropped seeing this in my feed because this is what I'm currently going through...
Been single here for 2 years and it’s the best thing that has happened for me. I get so much done and focus just on me. More time for work and gym.
@Fytren Yes !! I’ve been single for awhile now and I have to say going very well. Like… it’s working out. I think I’m the one 😍
I watched this video and channel and others for awhile. After a great deal of pain, right before our holiday plans, we finally agree to called it quits. This isn't my first hard breakup, but it was definitely the hardest. The worst breakups aren't the ones with betrayal I think; those people are dead to you and it is easy to hate them.
The hardest ends are the ones where you still love each other while acknowledging that as people-or our circumstances-make a relationship too painful to continue.
Exactly
I cannot agree more
In reality it's not just a tricky few hours. And the embarrassment of having to tell one's family is OVERWHELMING
The School of Life: The Fear of Ending a Relationship
What it really is: *How our childhood experiences affect us on our fears of breaking up with someone because we'll be bound or scared to hurt the partner*
When I leave I get anxious wondering if im ruining something good and immediately contact them
I just ended my 3-year relationship. Days before I reached such decision I watched this video many times. I knew in my heart that this relationship won't go well. After multiple attempts to fix and work it out and delay the final good-bye, things turned out to be worse. My partner was toxic, manipulating, but at the same time, she knows how to care for me and shows me warmth and love, which makes the boundary between healthy and unhealthy relationship really unclear. I was indecisive and struggled hard between whether I should try harder to fix things (she said I'm not doing enough) or leave. And I'm glad I chose the latter one. Though it still feels like I've just committed a crime or done bad things to her, it's best to give both of us a chance to fully grow and emerge.
"When you really love someone, you must be ready to let them go"
Single:
1. Fear of being trapped in a relationship
2. Fear of being hurt
In Bad relationships:
1. Fear of being alone
2. Fear of hurting other
Conclusion: If we are unhappy it's only because we have given into one of our fears
omg yes (about the fears) but I hope the conclusion is incorrect
This is deep, dude
Fear sucks!
This was eerily on time for what’s going on in my life..
same
Same😅
currently feeling an immense amount of fear, i’ve been feeling like breaking things off for a while just been putting it off, she’s done nothing wrong, i just can’t do it anymore, i have such a huge fear of hurting other people but holding on to this relationship in guilt isn’t helping. i just hope i won’t be the villain in her story. i hope she finds someone who can love her unconditionally once i do pull the trigger.
ended a 7 year relation a little over two months ago for this exact reason. This breakup hurts the most, I am second guessing it constantly because there is nothing inherently wrong, but at the end of the day, when I finally scream and cry and talk to my therapist I keep coming back to the same point; I am not happy, they didn't make me happy, and I need to find happiness in myself. The relationship was not a healthy space for me and if you have the thought of breaking up with them more than a fleeting moment, if it nags at you or it keeps coming back month after month, its more than just an intrusive thought. There is reason behind it.
In my case I should have talked to my ex and tried to see if we could have changed first, but I didn't. It is your call, sit them down, tell them your thoughts, tell them you wish to end things and are unsure why or how to move forward. Explain you would be willing to give it a couple more months and maybe try counselling if they are. Give them that much and then be honest from there on if things don't change (that is what I should have done, take my advice if you wish)
@berni684 the slow process of letting go and working through the grief. But I think it's good that I've been sad, I've been feeling. It meant I had something and knowing it was a hard choice and the regret I feel means there was care and love. I can admire myself and my ex for that and I hope in the future it means I can be a better person for it. :) thanks for inquiring
@@DaxVeruswish my ex did that and did not break up with me out of the blue. He seemed so loving and caring and broke up with me as we were planning to have a great time together that day. It still hurts after 2 months and i feel sick, whenever i even see his name pop up somewhere.
An ex of mine, with whom I was together for a long time, actually threatened suicide - thinly veiled, but leaving no room for any different interpretation. He made me his anchor to life, his social life line. And I felt responsible.
I shouldn't have. I actually managed to arrange therapy for him, before breaking up. But now, years later, I think he may have tried to get help earlier if I hadn't tried to play therapy girlfriend.
But well, can't change the past. And I honestly hope life is good to him and he gets the help he needs.
Yeah same. Makes me sick. Me not caring enough while the douche bag told himself he was more clever than not, blaming or getting mad at me over his own faults is just so fn bizarre. I dont mean to sound mean... but I tried it. And what a waste of time!!! Now I dont hafta juggle ish as much, and can focus more. So thats nice. Hopefully develop better sleeping patterns. I dont feel guilt about his self pitying sorrows. He had those problems b4 he met me. Now? His fam can act like his actual fam. ... so, yaaaaay. And you know? "Leave it to God"... yeah, im a little bitter, but save what?
@@ahhwe-any7434 Oh, I absolutely understand the bitterness. There are days where I really resent the guy for the time, nerves and sanity I lost being in that aweful relationship. And it took a lot of time and friends and, at some point, actual love to heal and be so chill about it.
That's the worst nightmare. I broke up with a woman once who clearly was a bit unstable. We had been together for about two months. And then the next day her friends sends me a message that she's in a hospital after she tried to drink a bottle of some house cleaning product or something. Fuck, that's terrifying. Later on I suspect that her friend was in on it and they just tried to make me feel bad. She actually never went to hospital. But I'll never know for sure. Later when she tried to contact me and told me she's sad or something, I immediately contacted her friend and told her to look after her lest she do something stupid.
This was exactly what i needed. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, the last 3 years have been long distance. I really love him still and i think he is a great partner maybe even the best partner i will ever get. But i just dont feel commited enough anymore and i dont know what to do
Break it off but stay friends.
Lifes too short.
I was in a LDR myself. Even got engaged. Then found my Love changing to Fond. He couldnt handle it and insisted we try again and again. Finally, I had to end it and it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders, the Tell that it was the right decision.
Months later contacted him just to see how he was as hes a great guy. We remain friends to this day and I know he will always have my back.
Here, last two and a half years have been long distance in a six-year relationship. I hope you had had the courage to broke up by this time.
@@TanguitoDC yes we broke up a little after i wrote this comment i guess. Even though quarantine makes me feel nostalgic sometimes i think i should have made that decision even earlier. I hope things are working out for you :)
This fear can be generalized to ending any interaction.
For instance, it can be hard to end a conversation purposefully because we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings.
Likewise it can be incredibly hard to leave an unsatisfying job when you feel your coworkers and the employer depend on you greatly.
@@JoshandErik Absolutely! Great example! I'm sure we can find other areas were it is also the case.
Ludovic Paul: self-help & more
NECESSARY ENDINGS
Dr Henry Cloud
Excellent advice & a good read. 👍
The most wonderful thing is that this video encapsulates issues related to every kind of relationship.Relationship between lovers,between parents,between a child and parents.
Well not every, but it can certainly be applied to every kind of relationship. It didn't touch on ending a friendship.
Unfortunately, some stories end tragically!!
I would say that I was/am cowardly when dealing with people. I had to use a letter to break up with my former partner of 16 years, so I didn't have to see his face when he got the news. Things are going much better for me, now that I've pulled the trigger and am a single woman, rather than living in a farce of a relationship with a heavy narcissist of a man. I really appreciate the message of this video. I've spent my whole life timid, because I learned that being "nice" and "good" and "quiet" were the best ways to get along in the world.
Omg I've been fighting with writing a letter and just handing it to her because we live together. But I think after this I know I just need to say it
How are you doing 4 years later? Was it a divorce that you went through or just a break up?
@blackeneddove I am doing extraordinarily well. It was only a break up, not divorce. In the intervening time to now, I really got to know myself, traveled internationally all by myself, met a man online and through the ability to just be who I am and not hide behind being nice or good, we fell in love and I married him in September last year. I finally found someone who doesn't want me to be any other than what I am. I'm incredibly happy and things got better.
Love is a choice. Sometimes, we get unchosen. It hurts. People will do what’s best for themselves, eventually. In the meantime, a heart is broken and another gets relief. The others heart may have been broken long ago and it just took time for it to finally catch up to the combined shared reality.
Yesterday my gf broke up with me. It doesn't hurt, I 've been expecting it for a long time ago. My own fear kept me out of breaking up with her. But now, I found out that I loved being in a good relationship, the confidence in the other person, the intimacy, being friends with her. During the last year, I've been lonelier than in my whole life, despite having a gf. I learnt to accept myself, to take care of myself and my priorities, all of this while my relationship was dying, and today I thank her for ending this so we can get what we are searching for.
Nobody talkes about the wonderful magical drawing personas in this video!!! A bravo for such wonderful artists❤
baby hacker Reminds me of Dr. Suess.
That was literally me. Only was able to end it after my grandma passed away, for some reason that gave me the strength to finally be completely transparent and more importantly choose myself. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
How long were you together, if you don’t mind me asking?
@@arenh2049 sure! We were together for over 4,5 years. We started out as high-school sweethearts and went through most of adulting together!
Omg it happened to me. I’m gathering the courage to get a divorce after my grandfather passed away and I realized that we live only once and we are not eternal and at the end no one else will care more about ourselves than oneself.
I’m in an almost 11 year relationship that I’m ready to end. She doesn’t respect me, appreciate my efforts and complains incessantly. She’s one of the most miserable and unhappy people I’ve ever known. In spite of all this it’s still difficult to walk away.
This one free video is about 5 therapy sessions worth of knowledge that would've costed thousands.
“the truly courageous way to leave is to allow ourselves be hated for a while by someone who still loves us “
I just left my first serious relationship and this video was so validating. I feel awful, and I know I’m going to feel awful for a while, but I know I made the right choice.
I ended 8 year relationship today because all of sudden he goes silent....I tried to communicate but he ignored me. I came up with a conclusion that his silence is his decision.
That's where I'm at too. It's time
The School of Life has turned itself into a relationship coaching channel.
relationships are a pretty big part of life
TooM Just about everything that’s important is relationship oriented.
Blade of the Darkmoon I’m not complaining, this was right on time in my life lol
Just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday and I feel like my life energy has left my body. This video has helped me remember that I am doing the right thing as much as I may want to go back. Thank you.
how is it going now? are you feeling better?
@@lavendermelody9223 SOOOOO much better! I definitely made the right decision. I am so glad it’s over. Thank you for asking! I hope you’re not in that situation.
@@plamen2110 thank you for your answer! that's wonderful that you made the right decision and had the guts to overcome your fear of a breakup.
unfortunately, I am now to decide what to do 🥲 my girlfriend has several psychological traumas she's struggling with, which negatively affect my mental health and which I'm tired of dealing with. so, maybe, for me it would be right to break up with her finally, although I feel guilty and still very attached to her.
hopefully, I'll be as brave as you are and leave her,,
how long after break out did you feel relief ?
This opened my eyes very well. You treat her as a queen and she gives back the toxicity. You think it's your problem but after staying alone with your mind, you realise that you are living for yourself and not for other rage
Wow… i really needed someone who would talk about this. I took 8 months to break up with my girlfriend because of this exact fear. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and nobody wants to hurt the other person. For you it makes total sense but for them, they live a completely different reality. And this video says some harsh truths. Its better to give a lot of pain through one conversation that might make them hate you for a couple weeks or months even, than to slowly hurt the other person because of your unhappiness and your difficulty to just express what you feel. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me, it does. Even though i knew it was what was best, it hurts to let somebody you deeply loved at some point just go and end a relationship that gave you so many moments either bad or good ones.
So i think this video is great, and i know i needed a video talking about this fear, for a long time. I wish I would have found it before though. It took a while for me to get the courage to make such a difficult decision. If you are going through a situation like this… you can do it! It will be hard yes, it might hurt both of you for a while, but I’m sure that after the storm is over, you will be happy that you did it. For you, and for your partner.
This couldn't explained better the thoughts I have about my past relationship. It would have been better if he would have broken it off in the beginning, while I still felt whole and content with myself, then dragging me through years of hell and hardship. He confused saving my heart and being kind, for saving himself and being coward.
My FBI agent must also work for this channel bc damn perfect timing
weirdofficial
them FBI agents... know everything
OR the world is not evolving about your singular subjectiveness and youre being an egocentric person falling for a common bias? Hmmm
@@kognitiveresonanz3562 lmao chill bro g'damn
@@watema3381 Ok ill leave you guys in illusion, sorry. --- Sure the Video is made just for your personal Situation! What a coincidence worth pointing out in a comment! That must be an institutional control instance observing you and your partner and then telling other people to make videos about it so that we get some psychological help!!!
@@kognitiveresonanz3562 imaging getting pissed off at silly things on the internet lmao take a chill pill bro
For me it’s really difficult to end the “relationship” I’m in. I really tried in those 6 years to get de-attached to this person, but every time when we broke up, I always just missed this person too much and everytime when there was the chance to get back together, I was just always pulled in. After 6 years, after so many reflection moments, I still don’t dare to take the step to stop the things that are happening right now. Even tho I know it will be better for me and that my life will be healthier without him in it. I feel like I’m in this constant cycle that I can’t escape. It’s just so hard, especially because I’m really attached to this person, I don’t understand. I am so conscious about everything, but everytime I’m making the opposite decisions. I don’t know how to get out of it…
I feel you. I've been in a relationship with someone for six years as well, in a similiar situation where whenever I feel ready to leave, something he says or does pulls me back in and I end up relenting and staying. For the past two years, I've seriously considered leaving, as it's been unhealthy and damaging to me, but I am cut off from support, struggling financially, have anxiety and depression and low self esteem in an unhealthy relationship. The safety of a brighter tomorrow and the hope things would be different kept me stuck and rooted in a perplexing cycle of ups and downs with this person, and for many years my mental health only got worse.
What broke this cycle in the end was age, wisdom and self reflection.
When I turned 30, I reflected on the past ten years of my life and I was deeply angry with the outcome. I was angry that my parents and this relationship had taken the last decade from me- prioritising their needs over mine always, ordering me around and emotionally abusing me and controlling me. I had hardly any friends, I wasn't allowed to travel, and I was denied a proper experience and path of growing up because of my parents, so I sort of felt into this relationship in my naivety as a 25 year old who was still young and wanted to be 'rescued'. Getting into this relationship was beautiful at first, and I experienced some months of deep, deep love, however for the most part I do feel that I was trapped into a role of having to 'save' him emotionally, and I took on many burdens in this relationship that others probably wouldn't do shouldn't do (I won't go into those though). Overall, I really think that everyone processes relationships differently and being stuck is just a temporary state, and something you can break through. It does get easier when you get older, as you do find the strength and courage to work out what is good and not good for your mental health, but also things like taking time away from social media and just focusing on myself really helped me.
I really encourage you to just take some time out every single day to reflect on the person you are and the person you want to become. I reached a realisation at 30 that I didn't want to spend the next decade (or decades) of my life wallowing in unhealthy misery and living a sad, unhealthy life with someone from whom I'd grown apart, but if you're older or younger than me, it's never too early or late to start.
Think about yourself, even just a few minutes a day, as a single person apart from this relationship.
Think about the dreams and goals you want, or even just a few things you've always wanted for yourself.
If you find you're feeling more comfortable with the image of yourself as a single person, buying that house, moving to that city, travelling, buying that dog, then that's where your future lies.
It may not become easy or apparent that this is your future right away, but in the stages before we leave a relationship, especially women, we tend to check out of the relationship emotionally. We are there but not really 'there'. Even in the midst of you feeling stuck, a part of you does already know you want to be alone and it's best to live your life alone.
I really hope you find that helpful.
As for myself, I am happily moving on. I am out of the cycle and can identify it from what it is- a way to serve his needs and whims and to keep me trapped and disempowered. This is not the life I want for myself. And I won't have that anymore.
I used to watch this everyday earlier this year because I knew I needed to end a relationship I was in. It was excruciating. Still is honestly. God speed. And thanks for these videos.
Just got out of a year long relationship and this described the feeling so beautifully. I truly wish nothing but the best for my ex, but I knew I had to give her the chance to find what I lacked in someone else.
I'm at 14 years in...Half my adult life has been spent with him but I no longer feel happy or able to continue. We've had our ups and downs but the last 2 years have been the worst. It's just somehow lost its spark. We bicker more than we cuddle. We haven't been on a date in who knows how long. I'm getting ready to go camping solo this week and I can't wait to get away... I can't imagine staying for the rest of my life but I'm petrified of leaving. I've been with this person since middle school. I've never had an adult day of my life single. I've never come home to an empty house. I've never dated, been with another lover, or provided solely for myself. I fear for my mental health...
Your scenario sounds a lot like mine. What has happened over the past year? Did you stay or leave? How did that go?
Would be interesting to know how it went. I'm 12 years in and it's almost the same situation as yours
These fears aren't so far fetched. I'm still dealing with a psychopathic ex who showed her true colours when she knew there was no getting me back. I spent the last 2 years in court trying to maintain my protection order that she tried to oppose. An absolute nightmare
These are exactly my thoughts, thank you for articulating them. We broke up today with the hope to reconnect sometime in the future because I feel that right now, maintaining a relationship while having an avoidant personality is like starting a fire with wet wood; it’ll burn once you peel the skin off. I have to be secure in myself before I can ever give that to another person.
Hi... I am going through the same thing at the moment. I was wondering how things had developed for you, one year on..?
@@j.c.8712 I've grown a lot since I've made that comment, and what helped me see my dilemma in a different more compassionate light was a book titled The Will to Change by Bell Hooks (pdfdrive has a copy). Currently I'm more focused on meeting a career goal so I likely won't get back with my ex, but there's been a notable shift in how I frame those feelings of disconnection which back then I couldn't cope with. I'm still me, but now I'm more likely to fight the urge to bottle things up and seek relatedness with others when I get trapped in my neuroses
"Get out of the way." I like that. Had to get out of someone's way today. It was not fun.
If you're unfulfilled or unhappy with them, TALK to them. Try to find a way to change that, grow together, find what you need in each other. If you still feel that way, then by gods TALK to them again before going off to find what you need somewhere else. It will hurt terribly no matter what, but you'll both feel a lot better and heal a lot faster if proper effort was made to save things, and if proper care is taken not to cause extra harm during the separation.
I ended a 6 year marriage a month ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I tried everything they mentioned in this video. I tried postponing this many times. Until I finally said no more. I am wasting her and my life. I packed my stuff and flew across the world to start again. It is tough, everyday I wake up with the pain, but it’s the best thing I could have done. Things are starting to get easier.
How have you done that?
The fear of starting a relationship. Best fear one can have, it's not really a fear, it's self preservation. It's served me well.
I’m 33, been with my wife five years. Recently she’s told me she has doubts about having children together because we come from different countries and she wouldn’t want the kids to separated from grandparents. Feel like starting all over with someone else would be a daunting task
Sorry friend I feel ya ❤️ I'm 40 and about to end my 2nd 7 year relationship. This one should be easier because we haven't had a conversation in months and yet it's harder ..
@@johnlombardo7816 sorry to hear it. I’ve been broken up now for about a year. It’s gotten a lot better but there are still dark days. Hope it goes well for you. There will at least be a sense of relief
@@townbythetown I couldn't do it!! Argg I'm sitting frozen in the next room.. I kept feelin the sense of a panic attack and froze ugh but after listening to these videos I'm confident I will do it right.. just have to go through.. change of habit
This is spot on!!! I suffered for 37 yrs in a horrible marriage for the "kids" and 100 other excuses. Since I pulled the pin (divorce at her behest), I have never been happier. The fear of hurting them DOESN't trump (or shouldn't) your happiness or sanity!
i just ended things with my gf. Went much better than expected. I wish all of you luck and courage! You have to stay true to yourself! Don't be afraid to be who you were made to be!
Lesson: Don't argue in the presence of your children
noted
And yet in another video this is said to cause an unrealistic expectation for adult relationships when that child grows up
@@blue_ink2000 It’s one thing to have a disagreement, it’s another to throw things around and scare a child into thinking they’re unsafe
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
Happy valentine’s day!
No Labels :(
SomebodeeeeeEeeee!
I saw this at the right time. He tried to leave me a month ago. I packed his stuff and said go. No tears. When he was half way through moving I broke down. He felt awful and decided to stay and try to work on things. Nothing has been the same since. I wish he would just go. I know he doesn’t want to be here. I’m fearful to be the one to end it. Maybe that’s what he’s waiting for?
How are things now?
You aren't my girlfriend, but as a man in the same position, I'm sorry.
To her,
I don't want to hurt you any more than I have but I'm still scared. I'm scared that this will cripple you, that this will ruin your life forever. We have been fighting ourselves and the world for 4 years. Please, just tell me that it's okay to leave...
@@burakcimenli we are no longer together. I finally kicked him out not long after this post. Life’s been great!
I've never in my entire life come across a person with such a soothing voice like the one who speaks in these videos !
My fear isn’t the ending of a relationship...it’s of never even being able to get into a relationship in the first place lol
It takes two to tango. If the other person is not able and willing to help you get over your fear and make it work, don't waste your time with them.
Andrew Garfield this ^^^^^ andrew i feel your pain.
Anyone would want to be with Andrew Garfield. You were great in Spider-Man.
Sebastian Elytron the problem is not that I don’t want a relationship or fear one. It’s just that absolutely NO ONE wants a relationship with me AT ALL.
Andrew Garfield, taking probability into accounts, you should well be able to have a relationship. However, so far it seems you were simply unlucky to fall in love with people who simply didn‘t feel the same. No matter how many individuals lead you to believe in such way, they are only a tiny fraction of the millions over millions out there you may not yet be fully sure of if chances might well be they‘d like you back as much as you could like them.
I think what we need to realize is regardless how long and invested the relationships can be, both parties have the choice to leave or stay anytime. No one can actually keep someone from leaving a relationship if its broken.
However, this fear can be the result of many reasons, like manipulations from their partner, insecurities, life choices like having kids, financial shortcomings, etc. And yet, these things brew up to the point people get hurt.
I wish it's easy to just leave a relationship. But unfortunately, society has made it harder for people to do that.
I did wait 20 years, lost a lot but I'm more happy now 😂😂😂
Why ?
Thinking it will get better is a illusion.
First 3 months are to find out, when you see any problems run run run 😂
I can relate to this.
Four years ago, I ended a 3 years relationship with my ex whom I met in college. Around after two years dating, I thought that I would like to end it. I felt like we were going on a different way on our life, and there's no point of us together anymore. I thought so hard to look for the moment to say it for a year. I feared that I might hurt him so bad (and I did), and worried if he was going to be okay. When I finally said it, and our relationship ended, it does feel weird since my ex had been not only a boyfriend but also a friend. Even though I was the one who ended it, it still feels weird. But I felt glad after that. Like a weight had been lifted up from my shoulder.
I went through the exact same thing timeline and all! Problem is I'm now in a two year relationship feeling the same😅
I saw this and I took action, feeling relieved yet painful right now. Thank you for giving me the courage, The School of Life.
This video has literally open my eyes to who I am really and explains my fear 100%. Truly empowering to me.
Can’t express how much I needed this right now. It’s not a romantic relationship I’m trying to get out of but it’s a toxic one
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 days ago. It hurts to know that our relationship wasn't going to work out, but the thing is, the moment I broke up with him, I still loved him. I broke up with him because he isn't ready for a relationship yet, and I can't give him enough space and time to grow while in a relationship with me. And it isn't because I don't love him, 'cause oh boii I love him. He couldn't meet my needs and expectations of a relationship, and that's okay! It just means I can't be with him. I still find it very hard to know if I made the right decision, because rationally I know that it was the right decision but emotionally it still feels as if I made the worst decision ever.
this video, more so than any other from TSOL, struck a deep chord with me. Coming out of a 10 year relationship in which I held off ending it for years out of fear for all of the reasons listed in the video, this was truly insightful. Both for my relationship with my ex and with my parents