Have you experienced this from a partner or perhaps family? How did you get through it? Let us know in the comments below and to join your fellow School of Life audience members, be sure to download our new free app: bit.ly/2U3oIUk
To begin with ,Thank you for making such good content! personally I think that it could happen with everyone who claims to know a little bit of ourselves at a certain time of our life. Before having a partner I think that it happens mostly with our family or closest friends ,in fact we spend a lot of time with them sharing our points of vue in different subjects , but sometimes it just irritates me when my brother or a friend judges me for who I was without thinking of the possibility that I could have changed , things like answering at my place when I could clearly do it and on top of that with a false and past based answer I just can't stand this,or joking over my past habits.. it's like they are imposing us their own image and stopping us from changing. I do Understand that not everyone knows about our willing to change I don't really blame them ( although they could at least try to expect it ) I think that instead of just getting mad we should explain what we are felling and tell our partner if we got a new interest in something
Thirteen years into my relationship with my ex husband he made a comment (raised a concern) that made it clear he had an old image of me in his head, an image that hadn't applied for a number of years. I had grown significantly. I think he wanted to conceive of me as the princess who needed to be saved by a white knight for eternity. I never needed him to save me, but the idea that I didn't need to be saved (apparently a picture he had in his head) seemed to make him uncomfortable.
Absolutely. I feel exactly the same way!!!!! My parents often limit us in an unconscious way!!! After watching this video I need to walk out of this!!!
Oh snap, I've kind of done this to certain friends.. Time to stop that. I'm glad I saw this. This is really good, not for just romantic relationships, but all relationships.
*If a relationship is not interdependent - which means both are helping each other grow - maybe it's time to stop. Healthy relationships are based on trust and a willingness to see the other grow and become their best self.*
@@noomah4790 This is the relationship I tried to have but couldn't because my ex just refused to grow as a person and his mother did everything in her power to keep him dependent on her. He was my first love but it was a toxic relationship and he cheated. I had to leave so I could continue to grow as a person and because I loved myself enough to take myself out of that situation.
The key is happiness :D It's sad that a lot of us are so into chasing the idea of what will make us happy that we often don't recognize when we already are, and often ends up being unhappy in the process...
"no dear I don't want you and me to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to grow and change and learn and become new people and I want to share that all with the person you become along the way" One of the sweetest things I've ever said to a person. Bummer she only listened to the first sentence of anything I said.
Wow that's totally my mom, always bringing up ideals or habits I had when I was 8 and still thinking I'm the same person, despite me being completely different and showing it. Pretty irritating; luckily my partner doesn't do the same
That's nonsense. I have trained for the last three years for a sport. I'm as motivated to train as I was 3 years ago. Meanwhile my partner still watches television every day...
Learnt the hard way most people will see you as you were and no matter what you do it makes no difference to a fixed mindset as they are incapable of change they think the same of everybody else
*When your partner tries to stop you from growing, it means that you are developing in different paths and that the map that your values was drawn on, is getting remodelled. That's the circle of life, people come and people go. We always attract what we become and repel those who stop mirroring us. Embrace it and continue your journey to meet people who have same goals in life.*
Hahahaha fuck you're right. Half the time I watch school of life videos when things are not working out in my relationships, not the other way around. It really helps though. But also makes me realise how difficult relationships can be sometimes
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 Well I would agree with Your Favorite Lifecoach in certain circumstances, because in my experience, what is most frustrating is that the partner may suddenly disavow various things that brought you two together, that you may have thought the other partner also had a sentimental appreciation for. Sometimes, the partner changing looks a lot like self-loathing, and if they are shedding skins, you may become attached to the skin that was shed, and seen as an enmeshed part of their self-loathing, even if that's not what they intend to do. And the irony is, while, yes they are changing, they are not accepting that which led to who they changed to (and there's another video they posted on "Amor Fati" which is relevant to this ;-) ). And the thing is that those who are self-loathing also tend to be harshly critical of themselves, and their partner as well, which despite one partner is growing, they are implicitly not allowing their partner to grow. So really, I think it is possible and ideal to have a relationship like this, where you are both encouraging each other to change and grow, but it would have to be seen by both partners as growth and not a rejection of symbols of your recent past self. So as always, honest communication is what it takes.
My husband grew into an open sexual relationship. He thought I was very selfish when I declined to "grow" with him. I threw him out. That was very selfish.
I was in a three year relationship that ended last year, and I’ve been looking at it carefully with hindsight. I first thought that it became toxic due to distance and deep seated jealousy, but now I see it’s also cause I was growing, as was she, and we both had this idea of who we once were and didn’t want to change that. Since our breakup we’ve both grown as people, and I’m now much happier with who I am, and who I have become. Thank you School of Life for your insightful videos.
That's your personality projecting on to others; growth is painful and too often adults avoid it and condemn others who need it. If it were as simple as a conversation a lot of people would not have bothered to watch this.
Yeah um...not when you’re dating someone with Aspergers or autism. This video applies perfectly. I’ve wasted 7 years w an Aspergers partner who never grew w me, didn’t like changes etc. I’d speak for yourself on that one.😬
@@bq4416 well yeah but no one is perfect and people are different. You can't really compare them because someone is "perfect" in something someone isn't, but he/she have other flaws maybe the other one didn't had. I don't know, relationships are complicated
Can you make a video “When your partner stops growing ??” (That’s what I thought the title of this one was and I got super excited because this is something I’m experiencing in my marriage right now)
This all depends on the foundational nature of the relationship, what it was based on to begin with. It's easier to see in families, the roles that different family members are assigned; the pretty one, the academic one, the sporty one, the artistic one etc with all of the assumed traits and interests that go with that role. But if one family member wants to change roles and be more truthful to who they are NOW, that often causes a seismic eruption in the familial dynamic. It will either (a) rearrange itself in response to the change or (b) resist to such an extent that the "role changer" leaves the family (physically and sometimes emotionally) altogether. It's similar in a relationship, albeit even more of a microcosm. Change is always threatening, which is why people prefer the status quo, even if it seems dysfunctional and disorderly. In a relationship, it could: (a) provide an opportunity for renewal and renegotiation, as the School of Life suggests; (b) try to resist the changes which are inevitable which ends the relationship swiftly; or (c) be seemingly static, not wanting to rock the boat, but in the end drift away to a permanent separation.
So what can we say about those who are in situation a) as you were describing? Are they more likely to be content with their partner and have an overall better relationship?
I'm insecure and have low self esteem. My partner believes that isnt yet my true identity, and believes, that i can find to my true self, which is more positive stable and confident. Im still growing and he supports me :)
@Kamil Mroczkowski im trying my best. After all, its not one own fault that they are insecure. The lacked affection in parenthood, and in my opinion, i find insecure people more nicer than arrogant people. I know it can be hard to deal with us.
Love is boring, and boring is best. TV and Movies have made it so that we all think that love should be exciting and thrilling. I'd rather be boringly in love with someone, who gets me and understands me and is happy to put up with me. I think that's stronger than the excitement that the media tries to sell us.
The key to growing with each other is to communicate with each other, this sort of growth inhibition occurs when the partner fails to trust and open up. So most of the time there is no need to break up but work on being with each other.
That advise works well with kids as well. And sometimes applying a little bit of pressure for kids to try something new, something they claim not to like might be necessary to improve their foundations to be well rounded adults.
This could happen to all relationships. Not changing doesn’t mean not growing. Some people stick topreferences all their life from clothing, food, to vacation spots. They like familiarity and nostalgia. Nothing wrong with that. The conflict happens when anothe person is all about new experiences and new endeavors. I am The later type. The first type can irritate me at times but I always try my best to see them as steadfast and loyal, quality that is essential to build trust. Also, they are not unchangable, just need time and coercion to slowly bring them into loving something new.
Like ships in the night, some people are only meant to spend a short amount of time together on their journeys, but when you find an island, you’re home.
This is frustrating because it starts out being directed at people evolving and then at the end is directed to those uncomfortable with the evolution. What do you do when your partner will not accept, support or evolve with you and you continue to feel stifled?
So this definitely includes projection from my own personal situation so it it doesn’t apply take with a pinch of salt but I hope it helps. How they deal with a situation is outside of your control so ask yourself if you could feel like this with them for 5 more years and be comfortable/happy? If they don’t actively grow at all and they’re indifferent to your growth…You’ll know the answer better than anyone else can so be honest with yourself even if it’s difficult to admit, take any guilt that might come with leaving them completely out of the picture. Feeling stifled by someone can easily lead to resenting them down the line and although it’s easy to look at the lack of growth and get upset by how someone can live like that when we’re not the same, it’s our responsibility to trust who they’re telling us they are and choose if we take that information seriously and respectfully leave now because the info is there to see we’re on different paths or if we ignore it and wait for sh*t to hit the fan later and it affect our respect for one another. IMO it’s better to maturely and respectfully be honest about your needs now and have that conversation rather than leave it and let it ruin your respect for each other as things get harder and harder to ignore the impact of. Maybe the conversation will lead to more emotional intimacy between you or maybe it’ll lead to going separate ways, either way hopefully it’ll dig out the truth instead of continuing something that is already stifling. That is a huge problem if left unaddressed IMO.
genuinely love the analogy about the child, it may seem like such a trivial issue to some, but for the "child" it is felt deeply and wholly, and cannot be easily explained as to why they are making such a "big deal" out of it.
Wow...I came across this video by accident. I have always tried to promote growth in my relationship but this made me realize that it's the little things that can also stunt growth. I have done some of these things without any intent on hurting the other but thankfully I realized my mistake before it's too late. Now it's time for change
Often when people know a little about us they might try to keep us going down the same path that we used to be going in, but in an attempt to try to keep us on track they only make us more confused and might even make us go down one we never agreed to.
My wife hates that I read self help books, funnily enough, she hated my anger and childhood abandonment issues too, and now I’ve worked through both and she says I’m not the same person…well duh! I’m proud of not being an angry guy all the time and bitching about everything. If I suddenly like coconut, she says “no you don’t” as if people can’t change, or that she believes I would lie and eat coconut just to mess with her! Maybe she knows that eventually I’ll realize I’ve outgrown her, she does have self esteem issues, so I guess I’ve answered my own question 🤷🏼♂️
They can try all they want, you cannot stop growth, it can only be hindered. I've seen a rose grow through concrete. It comes down to personal strength 💪🏼✌🏼🌍❤
I Fckn loved this video! You’ve done it again The School of Life! Superb!! Intelligently put together, well understood and I believe is a must see worldwide.
I have been married from age 16 this year it will be 51 years. Lot of change in that time! And still changing at 67 not always accepted by my husband but my journey.
Wrong. They broke up because Mr. peanutbutter kept being romantic in a way he thought as romantic and not in the sense that would have appealed to Diane. He continuously did things ‘for her’ that he gets enjoyment out of rather than keeping her feelings as a priority. It just shows how different they were from each other
This sounds like the type of philosophy that people need to use and all their relationship friendship family as well as romantic. And definitely a great way to view such a topic.
I'm single, but sometimes feel afraid that people I like (in a romantic way) will change. It's unpleasant, because I always should remind myself that it's okay to grow mentally and spiritually and it's even great. And it would be much more interesting to grow together, be never able to learn everything about the person. Anyway, thank you for the video!!
My partner stopped my growing for 11 years. I missed promotions at work, stopped going to school to maintain a full time job, cut out all my hobbies in order to allow her to be a stay at home mom (who complained I didn't do enough around the house). It was my "obligation as the husband and father to provide and sacrifice." And I did. Until I was sick of being told what an awful person I was. Society is OK with that and if I skip out on it I'm a dead beat. Reverse the roles and society says the mother/wife can do whatever she wants...she is free to choose. Society is OK with that and if she skips out she is freeing herself from the patriarchy.
Wow! That sounded like a very one sided relationship. Some boundaries needed to be set. There's give and take and it sounded as if you did all of the giving. If you cease to set boundaries, people lose respect for you. Do I know that!
This is me and my mum. Quite a challenge (meaning rather difficult) to show her that somehow I've grown and there's that drive to truly grow each day and do away with old and childish habits.
The reality not being faced here is that the viewer is here because a family, friendship or loving relationship is holding them back. It confounds the feeling of claustrophobia because the other is not listening or attempting to keep up. Eventually it is like confinement in the the restricted or even oppressive outlook of the other.
What if despite how much you wish a partner to evolve but they stay the same, especially in a bad way? It's easy to believe people have the desire to evolve for a better self. But most of the time they DO nothing to improve and just remain the same self they are.
I loved this so much! I have felt it from my family at times. I have done it to people I have dated in the past. I have had it done to me in past partnerships. Even to some degree working relationships. How do we not assign people to an idea of a person and just meet them where they are at that day? And still feel a connection, or history, to/with them?
You could have been in a family where you observed that when one of your parents had a new interest in a new activity, it brought on a big change in them (like new friends, new timetable, or an affair, or divorce etc) which didn't work out well either for you, or for your parents' relationship, or your relationship with other family members. And thus you become sensitive (in general) to change in others. I'm very glad to say that in our family, while there was change it didn't in general bring problems, so I feel quite OK with change in someone close (although I have experienced someone being "born-again" twice now, and that was always more traumatic - well, difficult-to-understand, certainly.)
Well, not partner, but my relationship with my brother and one of my cousins gets this way at times. My brother tries to keep me from growing by calling into question the authenticity of my reasons for doing things (to which I say, piss off bro, we don't even see each other that much anymore), and I find myself doing the same to my cousin. I'm trying my best to be better to my cousin.
What is it called when your partner can only see the way you were, and won't acknowledge that you've changed? Like, if I used to be very impatient, but worked on it and am now drastically calmer- but they still do the *"you're never patient, you always ----..."* during fights, almost using it against you to strengthen their argument, completely blind of the change. Even though that hasn't been the case for awhile. And when you say, *"I don't really do that anymore."* They say *"Yeah, right..."*
I feel like I lot of this is common knowledge or sense, and it goes back to don’t assume too much give the benefit of the doubt and accept people change. I like to see someone though define realistic meaningful change that would jeopardize a relationship. Sometimes change is just change and not good or bad for instance lately I’ve started to become equally a morning and night person.
Babies. I feel like that is one of the only things most people can find to love unconditionally, unlike most of the relationships that claim to be. As fetuses, newborns, and toddlers, most parents, especially their mothers automatically love them,even before they even have a personality. Babies literally change on a daily basis, and everyone is more than happy to try their best to understand them, rather than hold them back. Children have a free pass to explore, be creative, and try new things. But god forbid, when adults do something out of the norm, it's a bad thing.
Thanks a lot for remind me this, one of the things I hate the most about being in a long-term relationship. For me this seems like being death with one zombie killing me over and over again... Love to be single :)
Or maybe they just jealous and afraid of what you might become when you grow. They not willing to sacrifice and fear you might find something better and therefore sabotage any advancement of growth you might make...
Sometimes you just can't do much about it without throwing away a huge investment in the union.... That's where "Growing apart" comes from; not allowing each other to grow for the sake of familiarity.
![BAK Jay - Find Out (For Your Love) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/10FJO_XBCvY/mqdefault.jpg)
Have you experienced this from a partner or perhaps family? How did you get through it? Let us know in the comments below and to join your fellow School of Life audience members, be sure to download our new free app: bit.ly/2U3oIUk
To begin with ,Thank you for making such good content!
personally I think that it could happen with everyone who claims to know a little bit of ourselves at a certain time of our life. Before having a partner I think that it happens mostly with our family or closest friends ,in fact we spend a lot of time with them sharing our points of vue in different subjects , but sometimes it just irritates me when my brother or a friend judges me for who I was without thinking of the possibility that I could have changed , things like answering at my place when I could clearly do it and on top of that with a false and past based answer I just can't stand this,or joking over my past habits.. it's like they are imposing us their own image and stopping us from changing.
I do Understand that not everyone knows about our willing to change I don't really blame them ( although they could at least try to expect it ) I think that instead of just getting mad we should explain what we are felling and tell our partner if we got a new interest in something
I moved to another city.
The School of Life thank you for this, yes going through it now hahaha 😅
The School of Life I don’t allow the person to stop me. I do what I want anyway and that person stop.
Thirteen years into my relationship with my ex husband he made a comment (raised a concern) that made it clear he had an old image of me in his head, an image that hadn't applied for a number of years. I had grown significantly. I think he wanted to conceive of me as the princess who needed to be saved by a white knight for eternity. I never needed him to save me, but the idea that I didn't need to be saved (apparently a picture he had in his head) seemed to make him uncomfortable.
I've notice this doesn't just happen to romantic partners but also with family and close friends.
You insecure and jealous friends will try to sabotage you.
Absolutely.
Absolutely. I feel exactly the same way!!!!! My parents often limit us in an unconscious way!!! After watching this video I need to walk out of this!!!
I was going to say the exact same thing.
Absolutely
Oh snap, I've kind of done this to certain friends.. Time to stop that. I'm glad I saw this. This is really good, not for just romantic relationships, but all relationships.
Jen O'Hogan the first step is awareness ❤️👏🏿
Yes please stop it.
*If a relationship is not interdependent - which means both are helping each other grow - maybe it's time to stop. Healthy relationships are based on trust and a willingness to see the other grow and become their best self.*
Inerize relationships are very important in your world!
You mean both are NOT helping each other grow.
@@noomah4790 This is the relationship I tried to have but couldn't because my ex just refused to grow as a person and his mother did everything in her power to keep him dependent on her. He was my first love but it was a toxic relationship and he cheated. I had to leave so I could continue to grow as a person and because I loved myself enough to take myself out of that situation.
@Kriti Singh couldn't have said it any better
Yes as well as seeing rh best in your partner and adding policies and value to their lives.
I've been single 53yrs still happy; I'm alone but not lonely. Good luck to you couples too.
The key is happiness :D It's sad that a lot of us are so into chasing the idea of what will make us happy that we often don't recognize when we already are, and often ends up being unhappy in the process...
"no dear I don't want you and me to spend the rest of our lives together. I want to grow and change and learn and become new people and I want to share that all with the person you become along the way"
One of the sweetest things I've ever said to a person. Bummer she only listened to the first sentence of anything I said.
I love this... Well, it's her loss! :)
A little late here but yeah. I am going through the toughest time of my life because of the same situation. I hope you are okay now.
Sometimes people only hear the part they want (or sometimes fear) to hear.
Wow that's totally my mom, always bringing up ideals or habits I had when I was 8 and still thinking I'm the same person, despite me being completely different and showing it.
Pretty irritating; luckily my partner doesn't do the same
Maybe she's just feeling nostalgic and is trying to hang on to those days when you were still her little baby?
Yeah, that’s a classic behavior from parents
wwwKx - yes! I saw this video and couldn’t help but think: this is MY MOM! It’s so discouraging.
Yep. My family always treats me like a child even though I’m 30. I cut them off.
"you dont like that soup"..
There is nothing scarier than not growing 😬
Many people stop growing when they are married and have children. That is why people are depressed.
Ya'll need to google "medieval torture methods" rite nao.
Or realising the person you married never had any intention of growing 😒
If you aren’t growing with your partner then what are you doing?
Having sex
Dying inside.
Playing house like children
Living...
@@sebastianelytron8450 urge of sex is one of the reasons incompatible partners stay together
Set them free and let them become their best selves.
Define best...
What the partner desires to be
*we should strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too*
Define better...
That's nonsense.
I have trained for the last three years for a sport.
I'm as motivated to train as I was 3 years ago.
Meanwhile my partner still watches television every day...
Learnt the hard way most people will see you as you were and no matter what you do it makes no difference to a fixed mindset as they are incapable of change they think the same of everybody else
Haha, very ironic!
I change the environment, friends and relocate.
*When your partner tries to stop you from growing, it means that you are developing in different paths and that the map that your values was drawn on, is getting remodelled. That's the circle of life, people come and people go. We always attract what we become and repel those who stop mirroring us. Embrace it and continue your journey to meet people who have same goals in life.*
I prefer the video's take on it
@@0xstev3 I prefer Ossein's.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 The point is to grow togetehr, not abandon people
The point is to grow together, not abandon people
@@paloma4444 But what if you're not growing together?
I live alone and only have few but therefor very good friends. Never felt more freedom and happiness.
Every one of your videos make me (unintentionally) want to stay single 😆
Hahahaha fuck you're right. Half the time I watch school of life videos when things are not working out in my relationships, not the other way around. It really helps though. But also makes me realise how difficult relationships can be sometimes
hahaha
Same
Your statement is one parentheses too long.
Lilith Scyther You heard our inner voice
Growth is constant and the best relationships are those in which both partners understand each other & embrace mutual growth in every aspect! 💪
I just got rid of a partner last month who was trying to impede my healing from a broken back!
Best decision I've made this year!
*Sometimes partners are selfish.. they outgrow their partner and don't motivate them to grow with them..*
How does that work exactly? How should they motivate their partner? Wouldn't that be controlling?
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 Well I would agree with Your Favorite Lifecoach in certain circumstances, because in my experience, what is most frustrating is that the partner may suddenly disavow various things that brought you two together, that you may have thought the other partner also had a sentimental appreciation for.
Sometimes, the partner changing looks a lot like self-loathing, and if they are shedding skins, you may become attached to the skin that was shed, and seen as an enmeshed part of their self-loathing, even if that's not what they intend to do. And the irony is, while, yes they are changing, they are not accepting that which led to who they changed to (and there's another video they posted on "Amor Fati" which is relevant to this ;-) ). And the thing is that those who are self-loathing also tend to be harshly critical of themselves, and their partner as well, which despite one partner is growing, they are implicitly not allowing their partner to grow.
So really, I think it is possible and ideal to have a relationship like this, where you are both encouraging each other to change and grow, but it would have to be seen by both partners as growth and not a rejection of symbols of your recent past self. So as always, honest communication is what it takes.
My husband grew into an open sexual relationship. He thought I was very selfish when I declined to "grow" with him. I threw him out. That was very selfish.
Your Favorite Lifecoach growing is largely automatic by nature, care to explain how that could possibly be selfish?
Motivate yourself lazy bitch, stop relying on other people to make you better even if it is someone you're close to
I was in a three year relationship that ended last year, and I’ve been looking at it carefully with hindsight. I first thought that it became toxic due to distance and deep seated jealousy, but now I see it’s also cause I was growing, as was she, and we both had this idea of who we once were and didn’t want to change that. Since our breakup we’ve both grown as people, and I’m now much happier with who I am, and who I have become.
Thank you School of Life for your insightful videos.
Me: *is single*
The School of Life: When Your Partner Tries to Stop you Growing
Me: :o
lmfao
This isn't so bad. Just tell the person you're trying something new.
They're just happy to think they know you.
That's your personality projecting on to others; growth is painful and too often adults avoid it and condemn others who need it. If it were as simple as a conversation a lot of people would not have bothered to watch this.
Yeah um...not when you’re dating someone with Aspergers or autism. This video applies perfectly. I’ve wasted 7 years w an Aspergers partner who never grew w me, didn’t like changes etc. I’d speak for yourself on that one.😬
Not everyone is like that. When your partner resents you for growing do you think they'll be that understanding? No.
@@allmendoubt4784 exactly!
@@SR77736 true. 1 year later I can testify to that
the first thing that pops to my mind when i read that title is : “leave them”
😂
I got a sudden urge to eat pickles watching this video.
Sounds dynamite. Imma go to the fridge.
I want fried pickles
Hi same here 😁
I did too lol
You rebel, you.
Only get married if you found your soulmate. It is better to stay single than to be in an unhappy relationship.
And how do you know that he/she is your soulmate?
@@zuzukizuzu5801 experience? i.e., comparisons?
@@bq4416 well yeah but no one is perfect and people are different. You can't really compare them because someone is "perfect" in something someone isn't, but he/she have other flaws maybe the other one didn't had.
I don't know, relationships are complicated
Soulmate haha
There's no such thing as a soulmate.
Can you make a video “When your partner stops growing ??” (That’s what I thought the title of this one was and I got super excited because this is something I’m experiencing in my marriage right now)
This all depends on the foundational nature of the relationship, what it was based on to begin with.
It's easier to see in families, the roles that different family members are assigned; the pretty one, the academic one, the sporty one, the artistic one etc with all of the assumed traits and interests that go with that role.
But if one family member wants to change roles and be more truthful to who they are NOW, that often causes a seismic eruption in the familial dynamic.
It will either (a) rearrange itself in response to the change or (b) resist to such an extent that the "role changer" leaves the family (physically and sometimes emotionally) altogether.
It's similar in a relationship, albeit even more of a microcosm.
Change is always threatening, which is why people prefer the status quo, even if it seems dysfunctional and disorderly.
In a relationship, it could: (a) provide an opportunity for renewal and renegotiation, as the School of Life suggests; (b) try to resist the changes which are inevitable which ends the relationship swiftly; or (c) be seemingly static, not wanting to rock the boat, but in the end drift away to a permanent separation.
So what can we say about those who are in situation a) as you were describing? Are they more likely to be content with their partner and have an overall better relationship?
I'm insecure and have low self esteem. My partner believes that isnt yet my true identity, and believes, that i can find to my true self, which is more positive stable and confident. Im still growing and he supports me :)
:')
beautiful :)
@Kamil Mroczkowski im trying my best. After all, its not one own fault that they are insecure. The lacked affection in parenthood, and in my opinion, i find insecure people more nicer than arrogant people. I know it can be hard to deal with us.
Love is boring, and boring is best. TV and Movies have made it so that we all think that love should be exciting and thrilling. I'd rather be boringly in love with someone, who gets me and understands me and is happy to put up with me. I think that's stronger than the excitement that the media tries to sell us.
There's a reason TV and movies are called "dramas".
It's mental and emotional abuse 👍
And then they claim YOU are the one mentally abusing them! A side order of gaslighting to boot.
@@jeremymenning56 true
Well said
If you spend any more time in my head, "School for Life" I'm gonna hafta charge you rent.
This video is spot on.
The key to growing with each other is to communicate with each other, this sort of growth inhibition occurs when the partner fails to trust and open up. So most of the time there is no need to break up but work on being with each other.
There is growing and there is changing.
That advise works well with kids as well. And sometimes applying a little bit of pressure for kids to try something new, something they claim not to like might be necessary to improve their foundations to be well rounded adults.
I don't think people do this with bad intention.
Didn't think this one would be as true as it is. The School of Life keeps delivering..
This could happen to all relationships. Not changing doesn’t mean not growing. Some people stick topreferences all their life from clothing, food, to vacation spots. They like familiarity and nostalgia. Nothing wrong with that. The conflict happens when anothe person is all about new experiences and new endeavors. I am The later type. The first type can irritate me at times but I always try my best to see them as steadfast and loyal, quality that is essential to build trust. Also, they are not unchangable, just need time and coercion to slowly bring them into loving something new.
Like ships in the night, some people are only meant to spend a short amount of time together on their journeys, but when you find an island, you’re home.
Haha jokes on you i"m single
_wait that's sad_
No it's not
@@lizicadumitru9683 just what I was thinking
Trust me you're not missing much. Better to be alone and happy then in a relationship and miserable. 👍
No it's not because now you have no one holding you back from becoming the best version of yourself!
You're single?!!? You are so lucky that you just don't know lol
It's really hard to love someone who is holding you back, especially if it's not anything they're doing in purpose.
This is frustrating because it starts out being directed at people evolving and then at the end is directed to those uncomfortable with the evolution. What do you do when your partner will not accept, support or evolve with you and you continue to feel stifled?
So this definitely includes projection from my own personal situation so it it doesn’t apply take with a pinch of salt but I hope it helps.
How they deal with a situation is outside of your control so ask yourself if you could feel like this with them for 5 more years and be comfortable/happy? If they don’t actively grow at all and they’re indifferent to your growth…You’ll know the answer better than anyone else can so be honest with yourself even if it’s difficult to admit, take any guilt that might come with leaving them completely out of the picture. Feeling stifled by someone can easily lead to resenting them down the line and although it’s easy to look at the lack of growth and get upset by how someone can live like that when we’re not the same, it’s our responsibility to trust who they’re telling us they are and choose if we take that information seriously and respectfully leave now because the info is there to see we’re on different paths or if we ignore it and wait for sh*t to hit the fan later and it affect our respect for one another. IMO it’s better to maturely and respectfully be honest about your needs now and have that conversation rather than leave it and let it ruin your respect for each other as things get harder and harder to ignore the impact of. Maybe the conversation will lead to more emotional intimacy between you or maybe it’ll lead to going separate ways, either way hopefully it’ll dig out the truth instead of continuing something that is already stifling. That is a huge problem if left unaddressed IMO.
Holy shit. There is so much wisdom packed in a few minutes, I think my mind just exploded.
genuinely love the analogy about the child, it may seem like such a trivial issue to some, but for the "child" it is felt deeply and wholly, and cannot be easily explained as to why they are making such a "big deal" out of it.
You are genuinely making this world so much better for so many of us, SOL. Thank you!
Wow...I came across this video by accident. I have always tried to promote growth in my relationship but this made me realize that it's the little things that can also stunt growth. I have done some of these things without any intent on hurting the other but thankfully I realized my mistake before it's too late. Now it's time for change
Often when people know a little about us they might try to keep us going down the same path that we used to be going in, but in an attempt to try to keep us on track they only make us more confused and might even make us go down one we never agreed to.
My wife hates that I read self help books, funnily enough, she hated my anger and childhood abandonment issues too, and now I’ve worked through both and she says I’m not the same person…well duh! I’m proud of not being an angry guy all the time and bitching about everything. If I suddenly like coconut, she says “no you don’t” as if people can’t change, or that she believes I would lie and eat coconut just to mess with her! Maybe she knows that eventually I’ll realize I’ve outgrown her, she does have self esteem issues, so I guess I’ve answered my own question 🤷🏼♂️
They can try all they want, you cannot stop growth, it can only be hindered. I've seen a rose grow through concrete. It comes down to personal strength 💪🏼✌🏼🌍❤
Am I the only one who read parent instead of partner?
I Fckn loved this video! You’ve done it again The School of Life!
Superb!! Intelligently put together, well understood and I believe is a must see worldwide.
*Birds of a feather stick together.*
That "partner" is my mother 😂
the boat leaves a wake of memories of our past actions.. the wake does not, however, steer the ship
This channel has helped me so much. I thought I was just crazy. Thank you.
The real question is how should you try to grow your partner even more.
I have been married from age 16 this year it will be 51 years. Lot of change in that time! And still changing at 67 not always accepted by my husband but my journey.
That is so important , best message for everybody in a relationship !
I swear one of these videos comes out on a subject exactly when it's topical in my own life.
I know what your going to say.... "Don't swear".
This is why Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter broke up.
omg
Wrong. They broke up because Mr. peanutbutter kept being romantic in a way he thought as romantic and not in the sense that would have appealed to Diane. He continuously did things ‘for her’ that he gets enjoyment out of rather than keeping her feelings as a priority. It just shows how different they were from each other
This channels’ insight into the Human Condition never ceases to amaze me.
This sounds like the type of philosophy that people need to use and all their relationship friendship family as well as romantic. And definitely a great way to view such a topic.
I'm single, but sometimes feel afraid that people I like (in a romantic way) will change. It's unpleasant, because I always should remind myself that it's okay to grow mentally and spiritually and it's even great. And it would be much more interesting to grow together, be never able to learn everything about the person. Anyway, thank you for the video!!
My partner stopped my growing for 11 years. I missed promotions at work, stopped going to school to maintain a full time job, cut out all my hobbies in order to allow her to be a stay at home mom (who complained I didn't do enough around the house). It was my "obligation as the husband and father to provide and sacrifice." And I did. Until I was sick of being told what an awful person I was.
Society is OK with that and if I skip out on it I'm a dead beat.
Reverse the roles and society says the mother/wife can do whatever she wants...she is free to choose.
Society is OK with that and if she skips out she is freeing herself from the patriarchy.
Hope you truly learned from that massive mistake.
@@beCoCOi it has been a truly difficult and enlightening learning experience.
@Aholf Ditler not MGTOW but my trust level of women (even my sisters and mother) are at an all time low.
@@jeremymenning56 At times that what I means to have a family - sacrifice, both parents not just one.
Wow! That sounded like a very one sided relationship. Some boundaries needed to be set. There's give and take and it sounded as if you did all of the giving.
If you cease to set boundaries, people lose respect for you. Do I know that!
The way a book is perceived also has changed as we evolved.
What a positive way of portraying monogamy. Thank you, School of Life.
This is me and my mum. Quite a challenge (meaning rather difficult) to show her that somehow I've grown and there's that drive to truly grow each day and do away with old and childish habits.
Intimacy that gives us the space to evolve...noice
Brilliant as always.
Elegantly put! Relatable, too (and I don't even have a partner)!
The reality not being faced here is that the viewer is here because a family, friendship or loving relationship is holding them back. It confounds the feeling of claustrophobia because the other is not listening or attempting to keep up. Eventually it is like confinement in the the restricted or even oppressive outlook of the other.
Did anyone else get the pickle reference as adding a male +1 to the bedroom ? The glances and the I love pickles T shirt is a dead giveaway lmao❤️🌈
haven't heard anything more accurately than this!
Damn those pickles!
I'm always changing over time, evolving
What if despite how much you wish a partner to evolve but they stay the same, especially in a bad way? It's easy to believe people have the desire to evolve for a better self. But most of the time they DO nothing to improve and just remain the same self they are.
I loved this so much! I have felt it from my family at times. I have done it to people I have dated in the past. I have had it done to me in past partnerships. Even to some degree working relationships. How do we not assign people to an idea of a person and just meet them where they are at that day? And still feel a connection, or history, to/with them?
Can you put too much wisdom in a single video? If so, this qualifies...
You could have been in a family where you observed that when one of your parents had a new interest in a new activity, it brought on a big change in them (like new friends, new timetable, or an affair, or divorce etc) which didn't work out well either for you, or for your parents' relationship, or your relationship with other family members. And thus you become sensitive (in general) to change in others. I'm very glad to say that in our family, while there was change it didn't in general bring problems, so I feel quite OK with change in someone close (although I have experienced someone being "born-again" twice now, and that was always more traumatic - well, difficult-to-understand, certainly.)
I cut people off when they start doing this, some people hate change
The illustration is so diverse
This is so contradictory. Gosh, being human sucks.
Well, not partner, but my relationship with my brother and one of my cousins gets this way at times. My brother tries to keep me from growing by calling into question the authenticity of my reasons for doing things (to which I say, piss off bro, we don't even see each other that much anymore), and I find myself doing the same to my cousin. I'm trying my best to be better to my cousin.
Maybe you've outgrown the relationships.
And I'm Glad To Say That The School Of Life Seems To Be Evolving Too.
This not only happens with our partner but is more notable with family members.
Oh this is so beautiful, thank you
What is it called when your partner can only see the way you were, and won't acknowledge that you've changed? Like, if I used to be very impatient, but worked on it and am now drastically calmer- but they still do the *"you're never patient, you always ----..."* during fights, almost using it against you to strengthen their argument, completely blind of the change. Even though that hasn't been the case for awhile. And when you say, *"I don't really do that anymore."* They say *"Yeah, right..."*
I feel like I lot of this is common knowledge or sense, and it goes back to don’t assume too much give the benefit of the doubt and accept people change. I like to see someone though define realistic meaningful change that would jeopardize a relationship. Sometimes change is just change and not good or bad for instance lately I’ve started to become equally a morning and night person.
If your partner is unbiased non judgemental and smart this shouldn't even be a problem.
Babies. I feel like that is one of the only things most people can find to love unconditionally, unlike most of the relationships that claim to be. As fetuses, newborns, and toddlers, most parents, especially their mothers automatically love them,even before they even have a personality. Babies literally change on a daily basis, and everyone is more than happy to try their best to understand them, rather than hold them back. Children have a free pass to explore, be creative, and try new things. But god forbid, when adults do something out of the norm, it's a bad thing.
Thanks a lot for remind me this, one of the things I hate the most about being in a long-term relationship. For me this seems like being death with one zombie killing me over and over again... Love to be single :)
Yet we so often say that people never change
Most needed video😍 perfect timing ❤️❤️
Or maybe they just jealous and afraid of what you might become when you grow. They not willing to sacrifice and fear you might find something better and therefore sabotage any advancement of growth you might make...
family members and some friends also tend to do this
Thank you so much for this video! This is _so_ important
I’m still single but this video is very reassuring
Sometimes you just can't do much about it without throwing away a huge investment in the union.... That's where "Growing apart" comes from; not allowing each other to grow for the sake of familiarity.
The animations are just fantastic
Dear school of life, thanks for all the great videos you always post... I’d love to know more about 'cherophobia'
I love this voice reading complex texts!
I love the look she gets when the partner is talking some shit
Noomah in the house! Seeing that school of life!