When I was a teenager I didn't believe that a group of three people could be friends cause someone always would feel like a third wheel. But when I realized it's because one of my friends was toxic and manipulative. Now I have that friendship and we totally work and it's absolutely healthy. I'm so glad and proud of us.
Been there, done that. Our school had rows of three tables, which meant all of us had to sit in threes. Most of my friend dynamics ended up being like this because of that. One friend was always toxic, resulting in a bad dynamic.
Omg, I have a friend group of 3 too, including me. And we have always gotten along pretty well. It is probably because the 3 of us are on 3 different sides of the spectrum yet our cores are similar. But over the cause of our 5 yrs of friendship, each of us has had a conflict with another, and we would talk to the other person who was not involved and then after a few days or maybe a week of understanding the actual problem we talk to the other person and we solve it.
Funny thing: when I was 7 my psychologist mom taught me to say “don’t triangulate me” to people (including herself and my dad) who’d try to include/manipulate me into their issues. I’ve been using it ever since.
This was SO bad with my parents, not only the constant trash talking about each other/asking "who's right" to us kids, but even financial transactions -- my father would give me "allowance" of hundreds of dollars at a time, which I was then expected to hand off to my mother for bills, groceries, etc. Parents, for the love of God please have the maturity to not to use your children like this 😩
gosh that sounds so terrible. i can’t relate to the financial transactions part but can definitely relate to the “who’s right” and trash talking. was pretty hard to deal with growing up and still is
I relate to the transactional part. I was even accused of stealing some of the money when they didn't give the exact amount to begin with. I started realizing these things when I was 12 and when I was setting my boundaries back then they started calling me as difficult, stubborn and other negative stuff. Pfft.
Also if someone is "friends" with an ex they are probably not an ex. But there are some exceptions like my boyfriends mom is friends with a woman he was friends with benefits with. She is very nice now that we talked more.
There are basically three types of relationships you can have with an ex: The one where you stay in contact with them, but only fight and bicker over the dumbest sh*t imaginable, and one or both of you seek evermore creative ways to hurt the other (most common with co-parents)... The one where you stay in contact with them, and it's like you've become "best buds", telling one another the intimate details of your lives, giving each other advice about life, relationships and everything else, and cry on each other's shoulders over the problems of your newest relationships... And then, the one where you CUT contact with them. You don't call or visit each other. If you happen to cross paths in public somewhere, you exchange a polite "how ya doin'?", and keep moving... but, most likely you will never see nor hear from one another ever again. I prefer the latter...
I swear there's a glow to Anna lately... Like she's stunning all the time but lately just wow. Beautiful. Wow over 350 likes, wishing you all the best on youtube! :D
I AM ALWAYS THE THIRD PERSON PEOPLE GO TO RELAY INFORMATION!! I understand that some of my friends are afraid of confrontation BUT IT'S ALSO A BURDEN ON ME
So tell them that. By not being clear with them you're also participating in being dishonest and allowing resentment to fester. I used to find myself in that situation too, and it inevitably happens once in a while, but things didn't get better until I stopped leaning on that as a core part of my identity and started cultivating independent self respect and setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries.
@@stripeytapir you’re right and I need to work on establishing more clear boundaries. I know this is something I struggle with and i know this just allows it to perpetuate!
@@SamElle You can do it! It's uncomfortable and awkward the first couple times for sure but as you get practice with it it become easier and more natural faster than you expect. You got this!
Don't take that burden on! Tell them you would prefer if they spoke to the other person directly because you don't want to sabotage the relationship you have with either of them (if that's a good enough reason for you).
What you said about people who grew up in abusive households made me understand a lot about my friendships that ended badly. I come from a very safe home where I could always express the way I felt without any manipulative backlash. On the contrary, my mom always encouraged me to tell her how I feel. It never occured to me that people could be scared to say what the want and need especially when I specifically asked them to. I get really irritated whem people arent straight up with me. I thought they didnt trust me and got really sad and mad. Now I understand why they acted that way.
Yes, this makes sense. And sometimes, people don't even have to come from an especially abusive background to engage in this behaviour. I've definitely been guilty of it in the past, and both at home and at school, I always felt like being direct and honest about how I felt was considered "rude", and "pushy". I think historically, a lot of girls grow up being taught not to be loud or obtrusive, not to "cause a scene" when something's bothering us, and unfortunately some of these passive-aggressive coping mechanisms can be the result.
FYI I grew up in the exact opposite family. I was never allowed to say what I wanted. I always had to guess what my mom wanted and pretended to want what she wanted, so she won't get verbally abusive with me. I know it's a fairly complicated rule, but I was able to learn it. My mom was immature enough to always throw emotional tantrums whenever I was "wrong". I had to watch out for her feelings all the time, and I had no time to express mine. I still struggle with telling my true opinions or feelings because none of my family members really want it. My depression is "too much of a burden."
Don't feel too bad about it. It is not just about the abuse, it is also about their character. I developed straightforwardness exactly as a reaction to abuse. It was my way of making sense of things and I still get annoyed sometimes at people who circle too much.
I’m happy that you grew up in a very healthy household and start to understand others as well! Good things will come to you for sure have a great day 💕
My parents always told me to speak up and tell them how I feel... But then kept gaslighting me and punishing me for it so I learned to never get too personal with them.
So, when Harry and Ron stopped talking to each other, I guess it was triangulation! And Hermione was like: I am not an owl! I make comedy videos on youtube lol
@@BalticLab Just searched trilateration and you are right. I thought that was triangulation. btw, my spellchecker didn't even know trilateration was a word.
@Neta S I think she is speaking on the female experience. I don't really feel like she is a pick me. Anna seems to be aware of the male gaze. I just feel like she is a woman making content for other women.
Communicate directly is the best thing in the world. We don't need third person. They usually make some missunderstandings. If we need, we only need real telephone or post-officer to deliver our messages.
yes because BOTH men and women can be toxic but unfortunately most of the time it's men being told what they're doing wrong and women aren't told it enough in today's age.
So that whole "Ron told me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvati that Hagrid is looking for you" scene in the 4th HP movie where Hermione is the middle man when Harry and Ron are fighting would be a good example of triangulation??
Wait, could you possibly explain a bit how the triangulation worked for you? I feel like this happens with my mom and sister as well but not sure how to connect the subjects
@lRMWBl this is typical behavior of families w a narcissistic parent. They will pit siblings against each other. Majority of the time therapy will be needed.
I would hate to be the "messenger" in the triangulation thing. I'd be like, "Why can't YOU tell the person the message?" I'd feel like just a mail carrier. I don't want to be a messenger. So, I feel like the person delivering the message is just as much a "victim" as the one receiving the message. 2:48 What country's money is that? "Unclear is unkind." I like direct answers, instead of subliminal messages. If the answer is "Yes," just say "yes." No need to go all around the world to get to "yes," and I'm still waiting for "yes" to be said. Just get to the point. That's how I feel. So, "unclear is unkind" ......... In that sense, I agree.
It can be more subtle than the examples given here. and it’s not always so bad ,but sometimes it can get really unhealthy very quickly if people keep using triangulation to express certain feelings towards someone. One example is when a child asks their mom to ask their dad for them to do something the dad would usually object to if the child themselves were to ask.
This was comforting and yet hard to watch. I noticed that I was doing this for years only because this is how my family resolved (not really) and communicated everything. they still do this, and i’m learning how to catch myself. it’s a true relationship killer as I’ve learned in life and it ultimately leads to people not trusting you.
I've also run into a variation of this where a third party inserts themselves between two people who need to talk to each other directly. Not just with interpersonal matters, but with technical and business matters as well. It always results in problems getting worse and not solved, and is particularly maddening when the person either decides to "translate" technical terms into wrong technical terms, or decides to butt in, loudly and/or violently, at the exact point where two people whose conflict stems from not using the same set of terms finally arrive at a common dictionary.
I looooove my BetterHelp therapist she’s always checking in on me I tend to flake out with therapy and but she always check in on me and it actually makes a difference
3 года назад+76
Wish I could’ve forwarded this to my parents during their divorce when I was a kid lmao.
Anna: “I see triangulating people. Walking around like you and me. They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re triangulating.” Bruce Willis: “How often do you see them?” Anna: “All the time. They’re everywhere.”
...did anyone else know the "telephone" game as "chinese whispers"? Or is that just what it's called in NZ? Either way I prefer the one that doesn't have racist undertones
This just came up at my work. This guy kept hitting on me and it was making me feel uncomfortable and I was planning on asking his friend to talk to him about it. I went home and asked my parents what to do and they legit said "don't triangulate, just talk to him"
Please just talk to him directly. He may not have intended anything bad and would immediately stop if you'd say so. He probably felt comfortable enough with you and trust you enough to put his feelings on the line (if he has no malintent, just shooting his shot), so you having another person talk to him is humiliating and disrespectful. Dunno what you choose in the end.
interesting. Triangulation is an engineering term to find the location of something using triangles. Cool to see that the term has been applied to psychology as well.
being an emphatic person, I know the dangers about being pulled i n triangulations. I seen it in my life. When Anna described it it was an "oh, dang" moment. One thing, we empathic people must learn, is setting clear and definite boundaries. Once, I almost buckled under the pressure of people put on me by telling their stories. Thankfully I had a friend who let me unwind. I didn't need to talk about it, just needed someone to help me get rid of the negativity. Nowadays I make very clear: "You can tell me your story, but that is it. I will not fix it for you, I will not be an intermediare for you. Get rid of the toxic people, how hard it may be for us that want to help. They don't want it and only try to manipulate us in doing their dirty work
Oh and I love this: "you can tell me your story, but I will not fix it for you, I will not be an intermediary for you." I am going to write this down to use in my own life! Thanks for sharing your knowledge!
I seriously need this. I didn’t even realise that I do the helping thing and now starting to understand myself. I made boundaries while ago and only realised they still crossing that boundaries. Thank for this
Great tips. Yep I agree that happened to me in elementary and it's not right to manipulate others or to use triangulation to harm relationships / friendships
I realize i do the shy version of this. That conversation with the cosmopolitian made me realise how unwelcome it makes the 3rd person being communicated with feel.
I didn't know this word, but I was aware of this behaviour. What I have realised is we all know what is wrong regardless of whether we have a term for it or not.
I think sometimes communicating through a third party (mediator) is the safest or most convenient way to go. Perhaps not the way described here (aka. not used as manipulation); rather, for example, when two people don't get along the best or see each other often and so communicate (when necessary) through a neutral third party they both see often who can relay messages without conflict arising.
I was wondering if triangulation was always manipulative or not... Her example of the cosmo doesn't seem manipulative. But I guess the difference with mediation is that the mediator agreed to act as a third party. I am in a situation similar to what you described, as my parents can't talk to each other, so they ask my brother and I if we have any news about them. We hate being put in this position, but at the same time they really can't have a normal conversation. So it is kind of manipulative because we children are used in a way we didn't agree to, but at the same time what could be a better solution ?
Anna, as a master in psychology and a teacher (but ultimately a person) I just wanna say: you are freaking amazing. I learn lots from you. Just Keep Being Yourself. For everyone’s sake.
For matt. I think he wanted to be a good person, and even if he didnt want to be, hes earned it imo. If he can fake it that well to not raise any red flags, hes earned it
Triangulation is a term used in maths (original use of word), navigation, qualitative research, surveying, supply chain assessment, and other disciplines. Clearly a useful word!
That's crazy, my sibblings do this all the time. It's like "Dude, back me up on this", and now I never choose sides cause it always ends up in me making ennemies.
A few years back i was bestfriends with these 2 girls and in the end we fell apart and it didnt really work. later i met one of them and she even introduced me to her friend and now the three of us are so close finally i realised that just one toxic person can ruin the entire friend group.
OMG... that was my wife! She'd constantly claim friends or collegues had been offended or upset by me. That would then make her the "only person on my side" while still controlling my behaviour. Wow.
I had a friend like this and I never used to understand why she would do that. When I had just started high-school and we were both on the hockey team, she would tell me stuff like "everyone on the other team said you were really bad". Or if we did some group project together I would put all the work in and afterwards she would say "I'm never going to be your partner again". Often this says more about that person and their insecurities, they make you feel like you have to earn them. I didn't see it at the time, but things got so much better when I moved schools.
I was part of a couple triangulations that happened between my friends and they would always use me to tell the other person what the other person said, they got into fights and broke apart which is why I was in the middle of it even though I never asked to be involved with their fight but I grew tired of it and changed my methods to bring them back together to become friends again, I succeeded within a few days. Till this day I haven’t gotten a thank you for all those times I helped them get together again.
I've never heard that game called Telephone, I've only ever heard it called Chinese Whispers - which is certainly racist, but I've never known another name for it!
I have been guilty of this in the past but since noticing this behavior I have done my best to relay messages to people directly . Women are way more likely to exibit this behavior than men because they think being deceptive is just harmless fun and makes life more exciting .
Would HIGHLY recommend "Psychology in Settle" reaction videos - licensed couples therapist reacts to reality TV and it's a gold mine of information! I'm going to therapy myself but watching dr Kirk's videos feels like therapy 2.0. He talks a lot about triangulation and it can actually be helpful sometimes. Love you and your videos
It's not just toxic, but it probably mostly is. One time I have use it, was helpful. Situation: A person I had been taking for for months had asked me a question, but when I tried to answer, I found I was blocked. So I asked someone else we both knew of, if this person can find out for me why I was blocked by the one I was talking to previously. I found it odd I was blocked, after being asked a question, one that didn't seem rhetorical. And to my knowledge, I was not in bad standing with this person. Well, this other person did ask for me what was going on, and I got a reply directly from the one who blocked me. This person said, it was an accident, and didn't know I was blocked. It was fixed, and we got back to talking again.
Wait, can someone clarify me if triangulation is also when you talk to a third person to figure out how to communicate with the other? Because I do that a lot to avoid conflict and I'm unsure about what could I do instead.
I feel like this depends on the specifics of your situation, but your vague answer is sorry, conflict is a given. It won’t always be as bad as you think, I promise.
I have seen it more from women friends of mine who often did it almost without realizing what it was. Men can do it often with women but most guys dislike anyone who isn't direct with them and are tuned to it.
Anna is the only RUclipsr that I watched that promotes Betterhelp but also acknowledges the drama that happened few years ago. Unclear is Unkind. Thank you, Anna.
Anyone else see the $5 dollar Canadian bill. Young Yankies heading up North to drink. They are so cute except when they over do it and are eaten by a polar bear.
@@chadfalardeau5396 Or a Goose, commonly known as the Cobra Chicken. Canada has killer animals like Australia plus a freezing winter. Once Covid is gone come up North and watch people fight on ice for fun.
@@chadfalardeau5396 I'm in Edmonton I haven't had any close calls, but when I was visiting Newfoundland they would sometimes drive in the centre of the road because of moose.
I did that too when a I was a kid because I was so shy. I remember asking my friend to tell another kid if I could borrow a pretty pencil for him at reccess, he yelled "WHY DOESN'T SHE COME HERE AND ASK ME INSTEAD? COME HERE!" so I went where he was, blushed, and he friendly gave me his pencil when I asked him. We became very good friends and I really appreciate what he did, I have never done the triangulation thing since. Not because I feel pressured, but because I know I can create a weird situation and that the other person will really appreciate it if I talk to them personally, obviously :)
My ex is a narcissist. Her favourite shape is a triangle. All designed to get jealousy and control. Her and her new man and not me. Bugger that. He can have her.
(You will probably never see this but ill say anyway) Cheers for the understanding over the years. Since around 2014 i have a hard time getting through my courses in Law at a level because i sucked at everything related to socialising. My firend failed the first year so i was all alone. It got so bad that i almost got kicked off the course. One night I was very sad that i couldn't understand why i could not do it. This was until i saw 5-10 of your videos. When you shared experiences of your past alongside the struggles of socialising I couldn't help but stand up and try again. I learned that i needed a network of friends; through the class and outside it. I learned that i needed to make attempts at being uncomfortable and facing conflict head on! Honestly. It is as if it prepared me for the harsh year in the pandemic; the year that got me to a 2.1 Degree. Thank you.
This is very interesting. I think I have this sort of relationship structure with some of my friends and my ex. They are still friends with him, which is fine, but the other day they asked me to tell him I moved to the same neighbourhood as him (we live in a small city) because they were scared that if I didn't tell him and he would find out, he would get mad at them for not telling him. But also they didn't feel like telling him. This whole situation is so fucked up. I think the bottom line is I'm glad I broke up with the guy. Any advice on how to handle future situations like this?
@@louisehelene2006 They do care about how I feel. I think part of it has to do with both of them being very overwhelmed by everything to do with Covid and so don't want any more emotional strain. Which I do understand. The problem is mainly with him, and one of the reasons I broke up with him, he's very manipulative and overly dramatic. For example, when I started dating again, they tried to ask him if he would want to know and he clearly stated that he didn't. Then he found out and got mad at them for not telling him. So they don't want the same situation. But if something like this comes up again I will tell them they have to deal with it themselves because it's not my responsibility anymore. I felt sort of responsible because it's my ex and it's about me. But it is between them and they should deal with their relationship/friendship.
Anna has literally always been like an older RUclips sister to me I can’t explain why but her videos are always comforting
Same. I'm a guy, and it made me introspect about so many things, despite not being her target audience.
On my bad days I watch her videos and irrespective of the content they always comfort me..
Sameee her advice always hits and im so glad she gives it tbh if you havent you should read her book it has sm
@@Karan-Aujla I read her book!! That's how I got introduced to her actually. It was a while ago but I remember loving every page
Yesssss
When I was a teenager I didn't believe that a group of three people could be friends cause someone always would feel like a third wheel. But when I realized it's because one of my friends was toxic and manipulative. Now I have that friendship and we totally work and it's absolutely healthy. I'm so glad and proud of us.
As a guy with a group of guy friends, same!
Been there, done that. Our school had rows of three tables, which meant all of us had to sit in threes. Most of my friend dynamics ended up being like this because of that. One friend was always toxic, resulting in a bad dynamic.
THIS IS SO TRUE
Exactly, I always thought that too😳
Omg, I have a friend group of 3 too, including me. And we have always gotten along pretty well. It is probably because the 3 of us are on 3 different sides of the spectrum yet our cores are similar. But over the cause of our 5 yrs of friendship, each of us has had a conflict with another, and we would talk to the other person who was not involved and then after a few days or maybe a week of understanding the actual problem we talk to the other person and we solve it.
Funny thing: when I was 7 my psychologist mom taught me to say “don’t triangulate me” to people (including herself and my dad) who’d try to include/manipulate me into their issues. I’ve been using it ever since.
It must've been interesting growing up with a psychologist parent
Wow that's awesome! Lucky you to have such a smart Mom!
@Boxy Boxboxbox right !! What I was thinking too 🤣🤣🤣
Perfect way to put up a boundary!
@@sitas9827 she’s just as loving as she is smart. I loved every second of it
“Ronald would like me to tell you that Seamus told him... that Dean was told by Parvati that Hagrid's looking for you.”
“I AM NOT AN OWL!”
Ron Weesly - Triangulating since the 1990’s
What a relevant example! Thanks for sharing.
haha😄 great example
I thought of the same example as well 🤣
I'm seeing Harry Potter everywhere, I swear to God
So basically Triangulation is the _'i'M NOt aN oWL'_ scene from harry potter
Omg trueee 😂😂😂
That image was instantly in my mind while I was listening to Anna
OMFG! YES
Omg yes😂
Saw this movie last night and was just thinking this!
This was SO bad with my parents, not only the constant trash talking about each other/asking "who's right" to us kids, but even financial transactions -- my father would give me "allowance" of hundreds of dollars at a time, which I was then expected to hand off to my mother for bills, groceries, etc.
Parents, for the love of God please have the maturity to not to use your children like this 😩
gosh that sounds so terrible. i can’t relate to the financial transactions part but can definitely relate to the “who’s right” and trash talking. was pretty hard to deal
with growing up and still is
My friends are like this, they treat me as the middle owl who goes from one to another.
@@s.a1233 hear you... my sisters!
I relate to the transactional part. I was even accused of stealing some of the money when they didn't give the exact amount to begin with. I started realizing these things when I was 12 and when I was setting my boundaries back then they started calling me as difficult, stubborn and other negative stuff. Pfft.
This sounds like my parents to a t
If you are dating someone and their ex just "won't leave them alone," leave THAT person alone because they are triangulating you.
Also if someone is "friends" with an ex they are probably not an ex. But there are some exceptions like my boyfriends mom is friends with a woman he was friends with benefits with. She is very nice now that we talked more.
@@andyrevan I’m friends with all my exes. They were good people just we were not good couples.
Or they have an obsessive ex, it all depends on the way the person you are dating reacts to that ex not leaving them alone.
There are basically three types of relationships you can have with an ex:
The one where you stay in contact with them, but only fight and bicker over the dumbest sh*t imaginable, and one or both of you seek evermore creative ways to hurt the other (most common with co-parents)...
The one where you stay in contact with them, and it's like you've become "best buds", telling one another the intimate details of your lives, giving each other advice about life, relationships and everything else, and cry on each other's shoulders over the problems of your newest relationships...
And then, the one where you CUT contact with them. You don't call or visit each other. If you happen to cross paths in public somewhere, you exchange a polite "how ya doin'?", and keep moving... but, most likely you will never see nor hear from one another ever again.
I prefer the latter...
"Unclear is unkind." Thank you, Anna
Exactly
I swear there's a glow to Anna lately... Like she's stunning all the time but lately just wow. Beautiful.
Wow over 350 likes, wishing you all the best on youtube! :D
New relationship maybe? I've heard people glow after getting laid with someone they like. I honestly don't remember, it's been so long.
I feel like there is more cleavage lately, I don’t mind it but she looks like she is really feeling herself, which is awesome
plants in the background. my plants make me unbelievably happy!
it is her new role as a surrogate. pregnancy glow.
I mean, people say that pregnant women have a glow...
"unclear is unkind" I love that, it's an easy mantra to remember and go back to when you're unsure how to proceed in a social situation
I AM ALWAYS THE THIRD PERSON PEOPLE GO TO RELAY INFORMATION!! I understand that some of my friends are afraid of confrontation BUT IT'S ALSO A BURDEN ON ME
So tell them that. By not being clear with them you're also participating in being dishonest and allowing resentment to fester. I used to find myself in that situation too, and it inevitably happens once in a while, but things didn't get better until I stopped leaning on that as a core part of my identity and started cultivating independent self respect and setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries.
@@stripeytapir you’re right and I need to work on establishing more clear boundaries. I know this is something I struggle with and i know this just allows it to perpetuate!
@@SamElle You can do it! It's uncomfortable and awkward the first couple times for sure but as you get practice with it it become easier and more natural faster than you expect. You got this!
I wouldn't mind to be the middle person of all the gossip...
Don't take that burden on! Tell them you would prefer if they spoke to the other person directly because you don't want to sabotage the relationship you have with either of them (if that's a good enough reason for you).
What you said about people who grew up in abusive households made me understand a lot about my friendships that ended badly. I come from a very safe home where I could always express the way I felt without any manipulative backlash. On the contrary, my mom always encouraged me to tell her how I feel. It never occured to me that people could be scared to say what the want and need especially when I specifically asked them to. I get really irritated whem people arent straight up with me. I thought they didnt trust me and got really sad and mad. Now I understand why they acted that way.
Yes, this makes sense. And sometimes, people don't even have to come from an especially abusive background to engage in this behaviour. I've definitely been guilty of it in the past, and both at home and at school, I always felt like being direct and honest about how I felt was considered "rude", and "pushy". I think historically, a lot of girls grow up being taught not to be loud or obtrusive, not to "cause a scene" when something's bothering us, and unfortunately some of these passive-aggressive coping mechanisms can be the result.
FYI I grew up in the exact opposite family. I was never allowed to say what I wanted. I always had to guess what my mom wanted and pretended to want what she wanted, so she won't get verbally abusive with me. I know it's a fairly complicated rule, but I was able to learn it. My mom was immature enough to always throw emotional tantrums whenever I was "wrong". I had to watch out for her feelings all the time, and I had no time to express mine. I still struggle with telling my true opinions or feelings because none of my family members really want it. My depression is "too much of a burden."
Don't feel too bad about it. It is not just about the abuse, it is also about their character. I developed straightforwardness exactly as a reaction to abuse. It was my way of making sense of things and I still get annoyed sometimes at people who circle too much.
I’m happy that you grew up in a very healthy household and start to understand others as well!
Good things will come to you for sure have a great day 💕
My parents always told me to speak up and tell them how I feel... But then kept gaslighting me and punishing me for it so I learned to never get too personal with them.
So, when Harry and Ron stopped talking to each other, I guess it was triangulation!
And Hermione was like: I am not an owl!
I make comedy videos on youtube lol
I was thinking that, too!!!
Omg!! Reine, I love your videos😁 please notice me 🥺
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKINGGG
@@rishparnadas65 Thank you so much, babe!
haha, true😄
Anna: "You should stop triangulating"
Me: "Okay"
*uninstalls all GPS apps*
lol
But GPS uses multilateration, not triangulation 🤔
@@BalticLab depends on the GPS
@@ireallyreallyhategoogle Show me one that uses triangulation. Trilateration yes, triangulation, no.
@@BalticLab Just searched trilateration and you are right. I thought that was triangulation.
btw, my spellchecker didn't even know trilateration was a word.
This is a not a girl thing
I know many guys who do it, I'm not friends anymore with the more extreme ones because it got really toxic
She mentions that
@Neta S I think she is speaking on the female experience. I don't really feel like she is a pick me. Anna seems to be aware of the male gaze. I just feel like she is a woman making content for other women.
i dont think she said it was only a girl thing...
@@caroljoseph462 Did you watch the first part? She said it was for everyone but for her it was girls
@DescendantsOf Tituba men won't gossip as much as induce a physical confrontation.
Communicate directly is the best thing in the world. We don't need third person. They usually make some missunderstandings. If we need, we only need real telephone or post-officer to deliver our messages.
Communicating directly and honestly should be the norm, not the exception.
One thing all girls need to stop doing
*Boys* : Rushing here
hehhehe
I mean it curiosity turned into learning so I think it came into a positive result. Now I'm stuck self analyzing everything I do and say
yeee the boiss
yes because BOTH men and women can be toxic but unfortunately most of the time it's men being told what they're doing wrong and women aren't told it enough in today's age.
@@saxenas exactly 💯
So that whole "Ron told me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvati that Hagrid is looking for you" scene in the 4th HP movie where Hermione is the middle man when Harry and Ron are fighting would be a good example of triangulation??
My mom would do this with my sister and I constantly. My therapist had to make me aware of it happening before I could even realize it was messed up.
Wait, could you possibly explain a bit how the triangulation worked for you?
I feel like this happens with my mom and sister as well but not sure how to connect the subjects
@lRMWBl this is typical behavior of families w a narcissistic parent. They will pit siblings against each other. Majority of the time therapy will be needed.
This is why I hate being friends with girls in groups of 3. I always find that I'm the one that gets ganged up on when one person gets mad.
I was waiting for her to say something like “This is an A and B convenience, so C your way out of it.” 😁
ruclips.net/channel/UCW6Mhx_ZOXb4q0EkNywrNRg
I would hate to be the "messenger" in the triangulation thing. I'd be like, "Why can't YOU tell the person the message?" I'd feel like just a mail carrier. I don't want to be a messenger. So, I feel like the person delivering the message is just as much a "victim" as the one receiving the message.
2:48 What country's money is that?
"Unclear is unkind." I like direct answers, instead of subliminal messages. If the answer is "Yes," just say "yes." No need to go all around the world to get to "yes," and I'm still waiting for "yes" to be said. Just get to the point. That's how I feel. So, "unclear is unkind" ......... In that sense, I agree.
It's from the Land of Maple and Free Health Care
It's a Canadian $5 bill!
Thanks.
@@DIDCHOI LMAAOOOO
I legitimately can't think of a single situation in my life where I've seen this happen... can't tell if i'm just lucky or if i'm blind lmaooo
Me neither
I had an ex who literally texted my bff that he is breaking up with me
It can be more subtle than the examples given here. and it’s not always so bad ,but sometimes it can get really unhealthy very quickly if people keep using triangulation to express certain feelings towards someone.
One example is when a child asks their mom to ask their dad for them to do something the dad would usually object to if the child themselves were to ask.
@@AintIastinker OOOOOHHHHH
@@AintIastinker well in that case that's happened to me (and I've done it) waayy too many times
"A psychological threesome you did not consent to"
Now that's a definition I would not mess up!!!
"Its a manipulation tactic used by narcissists." Oh, that explains why my ex always fought me in front of our friend.
We used to do that in junior high. It gets dangerous when malice is involved, but there are worse games played in youth.
My mother is a narcissist and I HIGHLY relate to this. 100% i didn't even knowni related to it.
This was comforting and yet hard to watch. I noticed that I was doing this for years only because this is how my family resolved (not really) and communicated everything. they still do this, and i’m learning how to catch myself. it’s a true relationship killer as I’ve learned in life and it ultimately leads to people not trusting you.
I've also run into a variation of this where a third party inserts themselves between two people who need to talk to each other directly. Not just with interpersonal matters, but with technical and business matters as well. It always results in problems getting worse and not solved, and is particularly maddening when the person either decides to "translate" technical terms into wrong technical terms, or decides to butt in, loudly and/or violently, at the exact point where two people whose conflict stems from not using the same set of terms finally arrive at a common dictionary.
I looooove my BetterHelp therapist she’s always checking in on me I tend to flake out with therapy and but she always check in on me and it actually makes a difference
Wish I could’ve forwarded this to my parents during their divorce when I was a kid lmao.
same
do it now
The reason I can't triangulate is because I DON'T HAVE BLOODY FRIENDS.
Anna: “I see triangulating people. Walking around like you and me. They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re triangulating.”
Bruce Willis: “How often do you see them?”
Anna: “All the time. They’re everywhere.”
...did anyone else know the "telephone" game as "chinese whispers"? Or is that just what it's called in NZ?
Either way I prefer the one that doesn't have racist undertones
Yeah in England, we call it that too.
We call it Chinese whispers in Australia
I used to go to a club called Japanese Whispers, but yes, Chinese whispers is still used occasionally.
This just came up at my work.
This guy kept hitting on me and it was making me feel uncomfortable and I was planning on asking his friend to talk to him about it. I went home and asked my parents what to do and they legit said "don't triangulate, just talk to him"
Please just talk to him directly. He may not have intended anything bad and would immediately stop if you'd say so. He probably felt comfortable enough with you and trust you enough to put his feelings on the line (if he has no malintent, just shooting his shot), so you having another person talk to him is humiliating and disrespectful.
Dunno what you choose in the end.
Anna’s production quality is just flawless every time 💅🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
interesting. Triangulation is an engineering term to find the location of something using triangles. Cool to see that the term has been applied to psychology as well.
Rupture and repair. I really like that phrase.
being an emphatic person, I know the dangers about being pulled i n triangulations. I seen it in my life. When Anna described it it was an "oh, dang" moment. One thing, we empathic people must learn, is setting clear and definite boundaries. Once, I almost buckled under the pressure of people put on me by telling their stories. Thankfully I had a friend who let me unwind. I didn't need to talk about it, just needed someone to help me get rid of the negativity. Nowadays I make very clear: "You can tell me your story, but that is it. I will not fix it for you, I will not be an intermediare for you.
Get rid of the toxic people, how hard it may be for us that want to help. They don't want it and only try to manipulate us in doing their dirty work
Oh and I love this: "you can tell me your story, but I will not fix it for you, I will not be an intermediary for you." I am going to write this down to use in my own life! Thanks for sharing your knowledge!
I seriously need this. I didn’t even realise that I do the helping thing and now starting to understand myself. I made boundaries while ago and only realised they still crossing that boundaries. Thank for this
Great tips. Yep I agree that happened to me in elementary and it's not right to manipulate others or to use triangulation to harm relationships / friendships
I realize i do the shy version of this. That conversation with the cosmopolitian made me realise how unwelcome it makes the 3rd person being communicated with feel.
I mean it should be pretty obvious sometimes that people are just shy. I don't know why many immediately don't immediately think that conclusion.
I didn't know this word, but I was aware of this behaviour. What I have realised is we all know what is wrong regardless of whether we have a term for it or not.
I think sometimes communicating through a third party (mediator) is the safest or most convenient way to go. Perhaps not the way described here (aka. not used as manipulation); rather, for example, when two people don't get along the best or see each other often and so communicate (when necessary) through a neutral third party they both see often who can relay messages without conflict arising.
I was wondering if triangulation was always manipulative or not... Her example of the cosmo doesn't seem manipulative. But I guess the difference with mediation is that the mediator agreed to act as a third party.
I am in a situation similar to what you described, as my parents can't talk to each other, so they ask my brother and I if we have any news about them. We hate being put in this position, but at the same time they really can't have a normal conversation. So it is kind of manipulative because we children are used in a way we didn't agree to, but at the same time what could be a better solution ?
Omg. I’ve been the third point in the triangle sooo many times. And I do it to MYSELF. Thanks for this, I really needed it
Anna, as a master in psychology and a teacher (but ultimately a person) I just wanna say:
you are freaking amazing.
I learn lots from you.
Just
Keep
Being
Yourself.
For everyone’s sake.
Omg. My narcisstic stepmother did this to me and my brother.
It was a nightmare and abusive.
I can't believe you are promoting betterhelp when there is so much evidence that not ALL of their counselors are licensed or professional.
Yes! Thank you for saying so. I'm really sad that she would promote such a controversial company.
For matt. I think he wanted to be a good person, and even if he didnt want to be, hes earned it imo. If he can fake it that well to not raise any red flags, hes earned it
"I am not an owl!"
Love the hermione reference
Reference appreciated.
Triangulation is a term used in maths (original use of word), navigation, qualitative research, surveying, supply chain assessment, and other disciplines. Clearly a useful word!
"I'M NOT AN OWL!" - Hermione Granger
Definitely opened my eyes, thanks for showing me how to be strong.
Anna: uploads
Me: CLICKS FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT SPEED
I create vidz💓
That's crazy, my sibblings do this all the time. It's like "Dude, back me up on this", and now I never choose sides cause it always ends up in me making ennemies.
When a manager/supervisor uses coworkers like this. I called that “management by rumor.” Now I know it’s Triangulation :)
Its such an awful way to do things. Gossip aint fun. (But very neccessary to stay in the loop).
a tactic many narcissists like to use, and of course other people too.
She makes “big words” fun..... 😂🤩
A few years back i was bestfriends with these 2 girls and in the end we fell apart and it didnt really work. later i met one of them and she even introduced me to her friend and now the three of us are so close finally i realised that just one toxic person can ruin the entire friend group.
OMG... that was my wife! She'd constantly claim friends or collegues had been offended or upset by me. That would then make her the "only person on my side" while still controlling my behaviour. Wow.
I had a friend like this and I never used to understand why she would do that. When I had just started high-school and we were both on the hockey team, she would tell me stuff like "everyone on the other team said you were really bad". Or if we did some group project together I would put all the work in and afterwards she would say "I'm never going to be your partner again". Often this says more about that person and their insecurities, they make you feel like you have to earn them. I didn't see it at the time, but things got so much better when I moved schools.
I love that low key acknowledgement of your own prominent narcissism. It may seem horrible, but if understood it can be a charming feature.
Had to cut off MANY people who used triangulation. That got old fast. Thank you for shedding light on this!
I was part of a couple triangulations that happened between my friends and they would always use me to tell the other person what the other person said, they got into fights and broke apart which is why I was in the middle of it even though I never asked to be involved with their fight but I grew tired of it and changed my methods to bring them back together to become friends again, I succeeded within a few days. Till this day I haven’t gotten a thank you for all those times I helped them get together again.
The Moment I Got The Notification , I Clicked . I Haven’t Been This Early In So Long
Omg . I have always hated this. Didnt know there was an actual name for this.
@Anna Akana You provide more practical mental health wisdom on this channel than about 90% of the therapists I've been to. luv ya'.
"unclear is unkind" i love this!!💖
Whether we accept it or not, we needed to hear this.
As an autistic person I can say, I've never done this. And I hate when people do.
Anna is the TRUTH 🕊
I've never heard that game called Telephone, I've only ever heard it called Chinese Whispers - which is certainly racist, but I've never known another name for it!
in my language we call it 'broken telephone', we played it as kids
We call it "silent mail" in German which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Hate the relationship example cause my ex did that, on top of gaslighting, general manipulation, etc.
Lol I'm taking virology, and we learn about triangulation!! Who knew viruses also do triangulation 🤪
I have been guilty of this in the past but since noticing this behavior I have done my best to relay messages to people directly . Women are way more likely to exibit this behavior than men because they think being deceptive is just harmless fun and makes life more exciting .
I thought you were the cool kid on the street growing up, you had me fooled 🙃
Cant stop fell good about this girl Anna Akana. Wow sick of
Would HIGHLY recommend "Psychology in Settle" reaction videos - licensed couples therapist reacts to reality TV and it's a gold mine of information! I'm going to therapy myself but watching dr Kirk's videos feels like therapy 2.0. He talks a lot about triangulation and it can actually be helpful sometimes. Love you and your videos
I was also thinking of Dr. Honda! Triangulation isn’t always a bad thing but it can become disfunctional pretty easily
so glad to see this comment! I was ready to comment "if Dr. Kirk Honda has taught me anything it's that triangulation can sometimes be productive"
so creating and maintaining chaos sounds like magic witch stuff ..
Useful information aside, I now need to see Anna getting a role as a badass lawyer!!
It's not just toxic, but it probably mostly is.
One time I have use it, was helpful.
Situation: A person I had been taking for for months had asked me a question, but when I tried to answer, I found I was blocked.
So I asked someone else we both knew of, if this person can find out for me why I was blocked by the one I was talking to previously.
I found it odd I was blocked, after being asked a question, one that didn't seem rhetorical. And to my knowledge, I was not in bad standing with this person.
Well, this other person did ask for me what was going on, and I got a reply directly from the one who blocked me. This person said, it was an accident, and didn't know I was blocked.
It was fixed, and we got back to talking again.
Wait, can someone clarify me if triangulation is also when you talk to a third person to figure out how to communicate with the other?
Because I do that a lot to avoid conflict and I'm unsure about what could I do instead.
I feel like this depends on the specifics of your situation, but your vague answer is sorry, conflict is a given. It won’t always be as bad as you think, I promise.
I have seen it more from women friends of mine who often did it almost without realizing what it was. Men can do it often with women but most guys dislike anyone who isn't direct with them and are tuned to it.
How is this not a TV show? Like the absolute ✨perfection✨ of your videos is beyond RUclips status ⭐️
Anna is the only RUclipsr that I watched that promotes Betterhelp but also acknowledges the drama that happened few years ago. Unclear is Unkind. Thank you, Anna.
Anyone else see the $5 dollar Canadian bill. Young Yankies heading up North to drink. They are so cute except when they over do it and are eaten by a polar bear.
Or get run over by a moose
@@chadfalardeau5396 Or a Goose, commonly known as the Cobra Chicken. Canada has killer animals like Australia plus a freezing winter. Once Covid is gone come up North and watch people fight on ice for fun.
@@Jeff1701A I'm Canadian prairie born and raised. I almost got hit by a deer riding my bike once
@@chadfalardeau5396 I'm in Edmonton I haven't had any close calls, but when I was visiting Newfoundland they would sometimes drive in the centre of the road because of moose.
@@Jeff1701Awhen I go for wailking I've gotten close enough to deer that I could touch them
I did that too when a I was a kid because I was so shy. I remember asking my friend to tell another kid if I could borrow a pretty pencil for him at reccess, he yelled "WHY DOESN'T SHE COME HERE AND ASK ME INSTEAD? COME HERE!" so I went where he was, blushed, and he friendly gave me his pencil when I asked him. We became very good friends and I really appreciate what he did, I have never done the triangulation thing since. Not because I feel pressured, but because I know I can create a weird situation and that the other person will really appreciate it if I talk to them personally, obviously :)
*this was so...informative. Anyone think Anna maybe imagines herself as a Psychologist? She'd be great at it, her voice is so calming too.*
My ex is a narcissist. Her favourite shape is a triangle. All designed to get jealousy and control. Her and her new man and not me. Bugger that. He can have her.
"Finding a therapist is like dating"
Regardless of the outcome, you still pay?
That acting was on point!
This explains Trump’s relationship with Q
(You will probably never see this but ill say anyway) Cheers for the understanding over the years. Since around 2014 i have a hard time getting through my courses in Law at a level because i sucked at everything related to socialising. My firend failed the first year so i was all alone. It got so bad that i almost got kicked off the course. One night I was very sad that i couldn't understand why i could not do it. This was until i saw 5-10 of your videos. When you shared experiences of your past alongside the struggles of socialising I couldn't help but stand up and try again. I learned that i needed a network of friends; through the class and outside it. I learned that i needed to make attempts at being uncomfortable and facing conflict head on! Honestly. It is as if it prepared me for the harsh year in the pandemic; the year that got me to a 2.1 Degree. Thank you.
Sometimes when my parents aren't home, I like to lay down in my mom's garden and act like I'm a carrot
I have youtube channel btw
Τhat's the reason I ended two friendships, because I was bored of these manipulative bullshits
When I find myself caught in this between two people I care about, I offer to mediate!
My least favorite triangle.
Wait, can I be the triangle for everyone in my family. It drives me crazy that everyone tells me to communicate something to someone else.
I'm pretty sure you can be stuck in that role for several people. If anything it might be renforced because they see you doing it for others 😅
“Why good people obey” thats my bet
Excited to watch this
i kind of do this. i hate talking to people so when i want to order pizza i tell my sister what i want and have her order.
This is very interesting. I think I have this sort of relationship structure with some of my friends and my ex. They are still friends with him, which is fine, but the other day they asked me to tell him I moved to the same neighbourhood as him (we live in a small city) because they were scared that if I didn't tell him and he would find out, he would get mad at them for not telling him. But also they didn't feel like telling him. This whole situation is so fucked up. I think the bottom line is I'm glad I broke up with the guy. Any advice on how to handle future situations like this?
@@louisehelene2006 They do care about how I feel. I think part of it has to do with both of them being very overwhelmed by everything to do with Covid and so don't want any more emotional strain. Which I do understand. The problem is mainly with him, and one of the reasons I broke up with him, he's very manipulative and overly dramatic. For example, when I started dating again, they tried to ask him if he would want to know and he clearly stated that he didn't. Then he found out and got mad at them for not telling him. So they don't want the same situation.
But if something like this comes up again I will tell them they have to deal with it themselves because it's not my responsibility anymore. I felt sort of responsible because it's my ex and it's about me. But it is between them and they should deal with their relationship/friendship.