The one factor in a successful relationship

Поделиться
HTML-код
  • Опубликовано: 1 окт 2024
  • Go to Audible.com/anna or text "ANNA" to 500 500 to get your free 30 day trial!
    thank you for your support! / annaakana
    connect
    Instagram: / annaakana
    Twitter: / annaakana
    Facebook: / annaakana
    Spotify: spoti.fi/2MvmYjE
    starring -
    Melissa Macedo
    / melissamacedom
    Michelle Macedo
    / michellemacedom
    shot by Eric Lombart
    / ericlombart
    grip - Melissa Gasca, John Lee
    sound - John Lee
    edited by Timothy Hautekiet
    / @timh
    gfx by Tai Chavez
    taichavez.mypo...

Комментарии • 569

  • @koshersalaami
    @koshersalaami 2 года назад +2890

    If you want a relationship to last, one thing to understand is not to expect it to be 50/50 because you’ll each define 100% differently and that means you’re guaranteed to shortchange the relationship. Go in expecting more like 80% to be yours and just accept it. That will keep the resentment down on a lot of things. It’s worked for me; I’m about to hit my 40th anniversary.

    • @EtamirTheDemiDeer
      @EtamirTheDemiDeer 2 года назад +28

      Congrats!

    • @cnj122000
      @cnj122000 2 года назад +21

      that is amazing !!

    • @theawesomeman9821
      @theawesomeman9821 2 года назад +42

      what you said made more sense than Akana's reasoning that relationships should be 100/100 nonsense that she said two videos ago , people aren't perfect.

    • @kkyl5175
      @kkyl5175 2 года назад +2

      Congrats

    • @rensins08
      @rensins08 2 года назад +124

      @@theawesomeman9821 i think she was referring to effort towards the relationship itself. Not that the individuals in the relationship have to be perfect. I mean she's acknowledged her own imperfections several times so I'm quite sure of her meaning. Plus why do something if you're not 100% interested or invested?

  • @jakemarie828
    @jakemarie828 2 года назад +1261

    It's hard when insecurities make it easy to assume people will give up on you...

    • @alexisoraliaa
      @alexisoraliaa 2 года назад +69

      this is why self love must always be there

    • @oponomo
      @oponomo 2 года назад +51

      Step one: have a higher purpouse in life that you care about.
      Step two: self-help, self-growth, chase your best version.
      Step three: therapy.
      Boom: insecurities gone.

    • @dhidhi1000
      @dhidhi1000 2 года назад +20

      It is harder when people simply give you up, reinforcing the insecurity..
      Specially people you trusted wouldn’t give you up :)))

    • @marlonmoncrieffe0728
      @marlonmoncrieffe0728 2 года назад +6

      @@dhidhi1000 😔 You can say that again...

    • @rhahavyb
      @rhahavyb 2 года назад +9

      @@dhidhi1000 it definitely is harder and all the best on your healing journey friend

  • @jaypreslyk8722
    @jaypreslyk8722 2 года назад +920

    Relationships are important to prioritize after your done making sure you are good yourself.

    • @alexisoraliaa
      @alexisoraliaa 2 года назад +24

      THIS. LOUDER.

    • @yakoozey2271
      @yakoozey2271 2 года назад +8

      Make sure that the back hears it loud and clear

    • @scaramouche768
      @scaramouche768 2 года назад +6

      How do i make sure tho?

    • @niccolom
      @niccolom 2 года назад +24

      Many people think that "they are good themselves" but they are really terrible people.
      Your statement requires a lot of introspection and commonsense, both of which are rare.

    • @TKUA11
      @TKUA11 2 года назад +3

      That’s not true, relationships are about not being selfish and prioritizing your partner over yourself. You can be good for yourself without being in a relationship

  • @arukhan4446
    @arukhan4446 2 года назад +507

    Ahahahha she got me when she leaned in for a kiss and they both screamed. That's so relatable

    • @hridyanadappattel4400
      @hridyanadappattel4400 2 года назад +13

      oh ANNA WAS READY and I live for Melissa's scream(I hope that's her name I get confused between the twins)

    • @Shuker8964
      @Shuker8964 2 года назад +1

      She did not lean in… she grabbed her

  • @sallydames5867
    @sallydames5867 2 года назад +404

    I think both partners should practice this, not only one person carrying the positive sentiment override in the relationship. Otherwise, it becomes a co-dependent relationship.

  • @JustinKozz
    @JustinKozz 2 года назад +762

    Reading that 2.5 years is the breaking point of many relationships makes me want to fight so hard for mine

    • @rensins08
      @rensins08 2 года назад +125

      Just make sure your not the only one fighting for the relationship & that you aren't fighting your partner to keep them

    • @cleocruz9688
      @cleocruz9688 2 года назад +8

      Hi! I just want to share. Pray about it. All out pray your worries. You'll be more guided on what to do next. 👍

    • @canarsieprincess16
      @canarsieprincess16 2 года назад +17

      2.5 years is accurate. That is my longest relationship

    • @marylithiluxa764
      @marylithiluxa764 2 года назад +8

      @@canarsieprincess16 same most of my relationships end in 3 😭 i just made it 1yr with my current bf and im hoping we both put in the work to make it last

    • @vaneshapatel8320
      @vaneshapatel8320 2 года назад +5

      how are you guys doing now its 3 years? lol

  • @sststr
    @sststr 2 года назад +424

    The worst of all is when you have the positive sentiment override and your partner has the negative sentiment override. If you were both NSO, it'd be obvious and agreeable to axe the relationship. When you're on different wavelengths, one is going to want to out, but the other will want to work it out. Spoiler alert: you can't work it out :(

    • @jememe5209
      @jememe5209 2 года назад +22

      This is exactly my mum and dad. My dad wants to make things work so badly, despite my mum’s best attempts to get far away. From my perspective, they’re very very different people, and not the “yin and yang” type of complementary different. They have very different beliefs. Everyone just wants my dad to move on, but he keeps picking at the open wound.

    • @freshstrt3140
      @freshstrt3140 2 года назад +1

      For real

    • @nyom6378
      @nyom6378 2 года назад +12

      This happened to me with my last relationship. It hurt so much when I finally gave in and agreed with her to let it go. But that on and off type of dance, if you're the one who genuinely wants to work it out, it hurts so much. Left her, still hurts):

    • @rasmustagu
      @rasmustagu 2 года назад +1

      Yup

    • @papasscooperiaworker3649
      @papasscooperiaworker3649 2 года назад +1

      @@jememe5209 Can you give an example of very different beliefs?

  • @gurudra
    @gurudra 2 года назад +354

    The ego is the destroyer of most relationships🙏🌺🌿

    • @netshaman9918
      @netshaman9918 2 года назад +28

      The lack of trust also.

    • @dannyarnold4201
      @dannyarnold4201 2 года назад

      *_Gurudra, is this a second channel of yours?_*
      *_Cool!_*
      🙂

    • @hollybartlett7017
      @hollybartlett7017 2 года назад +1

      hey, can you elaborate on that? I feel like my ego gets in the way of me in my relationship

  • @jarrenleow
    @jarrenleow 2 года назад +165

    One more factor that's really important in a relationship: finding a person.

  • @Yashuop
    @Yashuop 2 года назад +591

    Claim your “here within an hour” ticket right here

  • @ritlua
    @ritlua 2 года назад +125

    Can Anna start putting her fit in the description?? Always on POINT. Get those affiliate links.

    • @joannagarcia2001
      @joannagarcia2001 2 года назад +3

      Yes! Don’t be shy, share that sweater link lol

  • @SamElle
    @SamElle 2 года назад +279

    i think its also really important to communicate with your partner/ whoever youre seeing, how you deal with conflict!! For example, I need time to process and I would like to table the conversation for the next day but the person Im seeing would prefer to address it right away. We constantly were annoyed with each other because of these differences until we had this conversation about conflict resolution and came to a compromise!!

    • @324173467
      @324173467 2 года назад +8

      What was the compromise?

    • @jinchuriki7022
      @jinchuriki7022 2 года назад +1

      Interesting dillema

    • @AndyAlegria
      @AndyAlegria 2 года назад +7

      @@324173467 The compromise was to probably to end the relationship.

    • @SamElle
      @SamElle 2 года назад +78

      @@324173467 for the compromise, I would tell him immediately what the issue was and how I was feeling but not go into detail. It would literally be a sentence so he is not left in the dark about why I am upset. Then we both agree on a time, later in the day, that we can discuss it and until then, we would not talk about it!

  • @jpoeng
    @jpoeng 2 года назад +447

    I think the most “plain English” way to think of it is to “assume the best” in your partner. If something wasn’t meant to be offensive, don’t take it that way. But the problem is that this is a rational thing, while humans intuit things at the “lizard brain” level long before the rational level. Ultimately rationality doesn’t determine attraction, the lizard brain does.
    This is really the truth underlying the RP community, and even a lot of traditional religious teachings about how to form strong, stable, happy relationships.
    The good news is that knowing this is half the battle. If you can identify the lizard brain inputs and use the rational layer effectively, the lizard brain stuff can be moderated, and even reprogrammed to some degree over time. That takes consistent intentional effort. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps, too.
    Good luck and Godspeed to all reading this. Please know even in the midst of hard times that you are loved, you matter, and you have a purpose in this glorious creation! 🤗

    • @sarahal-zahrani1960
      @sarahal-zahrani1960 2 года назад +11

      Luckily most of the time I know when I'm being emotional and irrational. Couples also need to learn how to address those situations even if it mean reassuring your partner multiple times.

    • @AxxLAfriku
      @AxxLAfriku 2 года назад

      GAGAGAGAGAGA!!! I want to cut my toenails... NEVER! I am the feet RUclipsr. Thanks for being a fan, dear jp

    • @marziafan
      @marziafan 2 года назад +1

      Emily Nagoski calls it Unconditional Positive Regard and I found her explanation easier to grasp.

  • @zenayla9179
    @zenayla9179 2 года назад +350

    just having the bisexual realisation that i have a positive sentiment override towards women and a negative sentiment override towards men. makes a lot of sense when looking at my relationships with men - romantic, platonic & familial alike 😳

    • @cheesycheez
      @cheesycheez 2 года назад +16

      Uh oh. Dis me. 😳

    • @AtheBlueprint
      @AtheBlueprint 2 года назад +7

      Get it together

    • @m2pozad
      @m2pozad 2 года назад +5

      zen- Interestingly, proudly bigoted.

    • @hollybartlett7017
      @hollybartlett7017 2 года назад +15

      @@m2pozad not really. Maybe they've just had bad luck with their relationships with men.

    • @m2pozad
      @m2pozad 2 года назад +9

      @@hollybartlett7017 Luck is gender neutral. Gender bias is not.

  • @carolinathevampireprincess
    @carolinathevampireprincess 2 года назад +56

    I think the root cause for relationships with family, friends, or partner or all of them is due to unhealthy relationship with yourself. Unfortunately, I think this may be the true reason why relationships, and marriages fall apart. Because one they're not meeting their partners needs, they're not doing shadow work and healing anything unconscious which must be released, not creating healthy relationships with themselves, and unhealthy relationships with people who are in their life or not which creating healthy, and strong boundaries are crucial to be in healthy relationships.
    Creating healthy relationships with yourself will take patience in order to project the same kind of relationship with family, friends, or partner.

  • @haleemahx
    @haleemahx 2 года назад +414

    John Gottman is an interesting researcher. With all research, there are nuances and each situation is contextualised. From a theoretical standpoint, Gottman’s work holds true to statical evidence from the people that were selected to participate in the study. Gottman is fantastic and extremely knowledgable in his field. However, the field of study is narrow and doesn’t take much into consideration outside of particular cultural settings that are researched through Gottman’s lens. In layman’s terms - the culture, sex and socioeconomic features of a persons life, directly impacts their communication style. I believe Gottman is correct when it comes to cultivating theoretical mindsets but we’re still only scratching the surface of how to communicative effectively.

    • @haleemahx
      @haleemahx 2 года назад +7

      @@echillykahlil thank you so much for your input!

    • @francescafrancesca3554
      @francescafrancesca3554 2 года назад +1

      @@haleemahx I agree! I'll keep it in mind. So, thank you!!

  • @DragonGalvy
    @DragonGalvy 2 года назад +62

    as someone who has always had positive sentiment override for a partner long before knowing what it was, it's nice to see that explained. However that alone cannot make a relationship work if you're the only one who has it. As with many things, "takes two to tango" is still as true as ever.

  • @batmanjeph328
    @batmanjeph328 2 года назад +66

    It's our 22 year anniversary tomorrow. Please do more long-term couple stuff. I loved this.....well, I love everything you do :)

  • @goldfishcrayon
    @goldfishcrayon 2 года назад +45

    My partner and I acknowledge we aren't perfect but we encourage each other to grow as people and love each other through that process.

  • @turdferguson9356
    @turdferguson9356 2 года назад +61

    maybe this pursuit of affection is consuming too much of our time... maybe the fanciful notion of love needs a dose of intellectual honesty if anyone is going to find it... maybe pathologizing every choice we've made is a more likely path to psychosis than sanity...

  • @Issor_Rossi
    @Issor_Rossi 2 года назад +65

    Me watching this while being single knowing will stay single.

  • @jcnlaw
    @jcnlaw 2 года назад +121

    Seasoned divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents. Stay single. You can still have terrific intimate relationships without bringing state law into your finances and private affairs. Follow your passions. Do the things that bring you joy. Live your very best life.

    • @calgenius
      @calgenius 2 года назад +1

      Wisdom uber alles 🙌🏼

    • @jinchuriki7022
      @jinchuriki7022 2 года назад +3

      Why get married in the first place?

    • @leafyveins4985
      @leafyveins4985 2 года назад

      yasss

    • @pepenani4046
      @pepenani4046 2 года назад +4

      Very timely comment! Thanks, Jonathan! I'm so happy my life partner's views and mine got validated.

    • @gilliangreen842
      @gilliangreen842 2 года назад +2

      Yeah but the tax benefits and health insurance tho 😭

  • @aoblues145
    @aoblues145 2 года назад +166

    My entire personality is constantly in “positive sentiment override” so I guess I’m born to have long lasting relationships xD

    • @jolielive3
      @jolielive3 2 года назад +4

      Have you had them?

    • @jamesdragonforce
      @jamesdragonforce 2 года назад +44

      It also means that you may be subject to abusive relationships. I don’t know you, so I won’t presume anything.
      The key is _really_ to have both HEALTHY and LASTING relationships. Good luck 👍

    • @purpledoodle06
      @purpledoodle06 2 года назад +9

      @@jamesdragonforce same here, i have a PSO personality. But I'm worried i my sincerity and concern may be abused in some relationships 😔

    • @jamesdragonforce
      @jamesdragonforce 2 года назад +3

      @@purpledoodle06 Well at least you’re aware. Take care.

    • @freshstrt3140
      @freshstrt3140 2 года назад

      @@jamesdragonforce YES

  • @fortune_roses
    @fortune_roses 2 года назад +177

    *Life partnering* is a weird concept... you're born solo, then expected to legally partner with someone for life: Share finances & intimacy, *create humans with each other's DNA* and raise them to adulthood. *Weeeird*

    • @TheSign0
      @TheSign0 2 года назад +1

      Ahaha

    • @boozy638
      @boozy638 2 года назад +23

      it's easy to oversimplify it like that, believe me I used to subscribe to that belief system, that marriage is irrational and unjustified.
      but it's not like marriage is this new tiktok micro-trend that came out of nowhere, with no purpose or reason behind it.
      throughout history there were reasons for it, reasons incompatable with our modern society, but also reasons and benefits that are still appliable and beneficial for us now (watch why get married_ by school of life).
      it's a dangerous game to discard ancient traditions (ex. marriage) for the sole purpose of being old, and a faulty reasoning to assume every new modern tradition is a healthy one (ex. hookup culture).
      to make it short, we are multi faceted, with capacities untapped we not yet know, each new situation you put yourself through (moving to a new country, marriage, having a child) pushs you over what you thought you are capable of, and you grow deeper as a result.
      if you live youre life the same for the rest of your life, never move out of your hometown, always choose the safest and easiest choice (marriage is significantly more difficult), never seek anything valuable, with only hookups as your sexual satisfaction, well you'll end up a 40 something man/woman with the mind and reasoning of a frat boy or an emo kid.
      that's all, thank you for joining in to my very long ted talk with the sole purpose of procrastinating sleep .^.

    • @jessicam3555
      @jessicam3555 2 года назад +12

      We aren’t born solo, we’re born with parents. Imo, having a partner and caring for each other is similar to parent-child relationships. But you’re both children and parents. Partnership is similar to having stable parents who love and care for you somewhat unconditionally. Stable parenthood with solid parent-child connection often leads to solid partnerships if both partners are stable, and the opposite is true too. Idk what to say about finances or babies, but I think forming stable bonds with people is very important. I find value on focusing majority of my relationship energy on my one life partner and repairing my mom and my’s relationship. We aren’t married, so finances are separate and we’re in college lol so babies are not on our minds atm. Tbh my partnership is just the way it is for me like we aren’t even exclusive (it’s not unimportant tho, we’ve known each other for 13 years), we just don’t really value anyone as much as we do each other. They’ve had other sexual relationships and so have I, but we’ve been “life partners” for 3 years (we have fallen out sometimes, but came back to each other). We’re definitely “life partners” tho not like a couple.

    • @freshstrt3140
      @freshstrt3140 2 года назад

      @@boozy638 I recommend reading "Sex at Dawn", if you want to understand more about the origins of marriage as an institution.

    • @PutoMedicoBrujo
      @PutoMedicoBrujo 2 года назад +1

      why does that sound like something ace folk say ironically to their friends to make them stop being a**holes about said asexuality?

  • @candicefaithv
    @candicefaithv 2 года назад +37

    the surgery skit in the hospital with the relationship "dying" was pure gold 😂

  • @clairemabutol651
    @clairemabutol651 2 года назад +27

    Choosing a partner is choosing a problem 😬🥺

  • @avila.j
    @avila.j 2 года назад +21

    emotional intimacy is how relationships stand the test of time ✨

  • @carolinathevampireprincess
    @carolinathevampireprincess 2 года назад +23

    Oh my goodness, Anna your humor is something and impersonating as a psychic is hilarious.

  • @kardelenkoc9746
    @kardelenkoc9746 2 года назад +15

    i think you should be able to be each other's best friend at the same time so it's not only romance and sex but also a very deep friendship that evolved into being each other's family 😌

    • @cleocruz9688
      @cleocruz9688 2 года назад +2

      true! marriage is the deepest and most beautiful form of friendship.
      i hope i get to be in it someday, a healthy fulfilling marriage.

  • @benedixtify
    @benedixtify 2 года назад +41

    "Sentiment Override", aka Confirmation Bias. You interpret the available evidence so that it supports the beliefs you already have.
    I've had some negative sentiment override. I was taught that by my parents. But I would say that I'm working to change that to the positive.

  • @Aviink
    @Aviink 2 года назад +58

    This being valid even for all non romantic, non abusive relationships is so awesome, in short if the relationship isn't abusive and the person is worthy of your love, then use Positive Sentiment Override for having a happier and healthier relationship.

  • @Ojuolape
    @Ojuolape 2 года назад +21

    “I do” to those set of problems 🥰😂

  • @PostTraumaticVictory
    @PostTraumaticVictory 2 года назад +2

    Ohhhhh friggin positive sentiment override? So thaaaat’s why red flags look like pink flowers as I run past them??

  • @lobkethijssen
    @lobkethijssen 2 года назад +19

    If you want to make a marriage work, i highly recommend reading: Making marriage simple by Harville Hendrix.
    This book explained the way we romantically relate to each other and how to manage the issues that come up sooo well!

    • @1120TaylorLautner
      @1120TaylorLautner 2 года назад +1

      can you say more about this? what kinds of issues?

    • @lobkethijssen
      @lobkethijssen 2 года назад +2

      @@1120TaylorLautner Any issues :) It helps communicate things that don't feel good in your relationship in a loving way and in a way that encourages and guides you to go to the rootcauses of the issue together and grow in a way that makes the connection stronger. So this way when one of you feels uncomfortable about anything, you can both embrace it to grow and find solutions together.
      It has a therapy like guide for how to get to a space of connection instrad of arguing. Like when you would see a therapist. The autors have been family therapist for all their lives (guess like 30 or 40 years or so).

  • @carolineh95
    @carolineh95 2 года назад +7

    Sounds a lot like attribution theory/ mis attribution.
    Couples on the rocks often attribute all the mistakes and wrong doings of their partner to their personality/ character, while attributing all the good things they do to the situation/ circumstance.
    While happy couples attribute all the good acts and positive things their partner does to their personality/ character, and all the bad things they do to the situation/ circumstances.

  • @michellinmillington
    @michellinmillington 2 года назад +7

    Unfortunately ypu cant turn on and off positive sentiment override its something that either naturally happens or it doesnt, based on your perception of your partner, hence why you can have it even in abusive situations with toxic partners who arent deserving of it.
    That said even if you cant manufacture it you can make the choice and alter your inate mindset with practice and effort, so its just very hard not impossible tho it does come with 2 caveats
    1. This person must be worth it to you
    2. They must be willing and able to extend you this same effort and grace
    If anyone feels like they can leave and do better it just doesnt work

  • @oponomo
    @oponomo 2 года назад +15

    I'm so happy to have achieved feeling these concepts as intuitive at age 30. My last relationship was amazing for its entirety of 2 years. Can't wait to make my next girl as happy as she can be (and hopefully a wife).

    • @alexshane5713
      @alexshane5713 2 года назад +12

      The world needs more people describing their past relationships as amazing instead of "failures" for ending at all.
      Maybe relationships are not about the "forever" but instead about enjoying the good times and learning and growing from the bad times

  • @Christian-ir2mb
    @Christian-ir2mb 2 года назад +15

    Okay this has come in a moment where i couldn't understand this and it's quite useful, even if i've never been in a relationship and at this rate never will. But ehy, i'll keep preparing myself to love the person i will love at the best that i can.

  • @Rachel-ro8vo
    @Rachel-ro8vo 2 года назад +6

    Greetings from Germany, watched you since the beginning and also could improve my english!

  • @Daggeira
    @Daggeira 2 года назад +6

    Wait-2.5 years is a typical ending point? And here I was, thinking that was something specific to me lmao

  • @farhansadique5521
    @farhansadique5521 2 года назад +11

    your relationship advice and dating skits are one the few i genuinely love and enjoy on youtube and find truly useful. thank you for this. stay awesome! :D

  • @giomenn6744
    @giomenn6744 2 года назад +8

    Wow, I’m impressed. I’ve been watching your videos for years, I think most people would agree your content is improving greatly. Your videos have helped improve the quality of my life greatly, I’m now on a quest to fix my bad programming, and seek healthy relationships. Thank you so much for being the catalyst for my self improvement, I hope you don’t mind I’m going to steal some of your confidence, and courage :-)

  • @cjclementine434
    @cjclementine434 2 года назад +14

    “… your partner is ha-hot stuff…” really got me. It really is just these little incidental moments that make life worth living~

  • @dewdew80
    @dewdew80 2 года назад +6

    0:58 This one really gets me. Not only incapable of finishing the food you put on your plate, but also incapable of either feeding said food to someone else or at least packaging it up for leftovers. And if it's so little food that it isn't justified to put away...then why not rinse it off? Also people who just set trash down next to a full trashcan. It's like they've never heard of flies or just don't care about them landing on their eyelids in their sleep. My line is drawn once bugs start becoming a problem. If you want to put off cleaning up a cluttered desk I totally understand, but open food just lying around is not only disgustingly unclean, it's also a disgusting waste and a sad display of decadence.

  • @amyg8176
    @amyg8176 2 года назад +6

    A loooooot of people in abusive relationships do this without knowing they’re in abusive relationships

  • @its_my_my
    @its_my_my 2 года назад +5

    Good morning everyone! A reminder to explore therapy or therapy style options to learn more about yourself and how you can get more out of life :)

  • @tkill1984
    @tkill1984 2 года назад +2

    Too much work, I rather have fleeting relationships that naturally run its course. But that's not for everyone, well maybe commitment phobes can relate.

  • @jihyodorant1547
    @jihyodorant1547 2 года назад +6

    me taking notes for my future relationship 📝📝

  • @alecubudulecu
    @alecubudulecu 2 года назад +7

    Easiest way to make this all work - compromise. When partners learn to BOTH compromise fairly - it addresses positive reinforcement override as well as handling all the unresolved issues.

  • @xoz--
    @xoz-- 2 года назад +8

    Relationships don't break on their own, we damage them

    • @netshaman9918
      @netshaman9918 2 года назад +1

      By our lies mostly , lying to others , lying to ourselves.

    • @xoz--
      @xoz-- 2 года назад +1

      @@netshaman9918 by our behaviour and negativity as well

  • @DanielleWhite
    @DanielleWhite 2 года назад +6

    Assuming the positive was one of the hard things I had to adapt myself to doing again after escaping an abusive marriage. It took a lot of work in therapy, work I intentionally approached as that I needed to learn how to, so much as it's possible, leave that baggage behind. I recognize it will always be part of me but it does not have to define me.
    My second marriage is going so much better in no small part because of doing that work on myself in the years between

  • @csgollum
    @csgollum 2 года назад +5

    Having given up the idea of marriage as a bad idea, for the longest time I was surprised other people around me still wanted to get married. And then I figured out that it all boils down to two things: percentage of HOPE in the heart and DESIRE in the mind. I guess there is also another factor - 'parental/societal pressure' - but for some modern couples that doesn't seem to be a major consideration.
    That said, love your videos!

  • @Requinix17
    @Requinix17 2 года назад +3

    So basically, the secret to a healthy relationship is being irrational and reinforcing your bias.

    • @nikkipineda1311
      @nikkipineda1311 2 года назад +1

      Ahh yeah, finally i thought i was the only one, no hate tho towards anything i just felt the override thing is kinda more like falling blind to red flags, plus the person doesnt have to be abusive per se, the relationship could not be working out and this theory kinda reinforces to be blind to it or be in denial. Just my take tho

  • @westernwanderer8397
    @westernwanderer8397 2 года назад +5

    Wouldn't it be nice if we told each other realistic and true vows to each other. Telling each other what they do that annoys you is healthy ... well, if you have a sensible and mature partner that is.

  • @theodora3141
    @theodora3141 2 года назад +5

    I guess that’s the part where Anna saves our love lifes. Thank you Anna 💕

  • @jtpikachu1012
    @jtpikachu1012 2 года назад +3

    3:18 I feel like if my partner ever said that to me I'd burst out laughing as I did just now, and then we'd say "i love yous" and resolve whatever the issue was

  • @bilawl9359
    @bilawl9359 2 года назад +12

    Ur a real catch. Whoever gets you will be the lottery winner

  • @RBKEENZ
    @RBKEENZ 2 года назад

    Saw this girl in one a my dreams recently... I wanted so bad to not wake up 😂😂😂

  • @shinjinibigharia5173
    @shinjinibigharia5173 2 года назад +51

    i did all the positive emotion override stuff with an emotionally abusive partner and look where that got me

    • @Karishma_Unspecified
      @Karishma_Unspecified 2 года назад +25

      Honestly yeah - its very hard to tell when problems are actually abuse. That's the issue with this advice. I don't think there should be an override of either side - reason is a good evaluator of relationships, while the quantity of emotions on each side are the ones to be evaluated. The biggest issues I've had in relationships aren't with cleaning up issues or tardiness issues - they're with whether you feel emotionally heard, valued and validated.
      The sentence i repeat to myself to avoid both kinds of override is the following:
      Good intentions don't justify bad behaviour, they contextualize it.
      This works for ALL relationships, not just romantic ones, and it helps not get caught up in either intention or behavior.

    • @andrealewis2501
      @andrealewis2501 2 года назад +8

      She said that that advice didn't apply to abusive relationships in the disclaimer, but I understand it can be difficult to tell if your partner is abusive or not and I'm sorry you went through that. 😞

  • @pez4
    @pez4 2 года назад +3

    1:06 When you went for the kiss and Melissa turned and screamed, I really felt that 😂🤣🤣😂

  • @m3ntal_c0re
    @m3ntal_c0re 2 года назад +1

    your videos kinda feel almost to professional to me

  • @buddyyyy
    @buddyyyy 2 года назад +3

    me being in a healthy relationship since 2019: hmmm yesss interesting 🧐

  • @amnoturgurl9323
    @amnoturgurl9323 2 года назад +7

    I love this content and knowing the meaning behind what happens in a relationship its critical. I know want to look for in my next relationship.

  • @FableCountry
    @FableCountry 2 года назад +2

    agreed that positive vs negative sentiment override and make-or-break a relationship. in past, i was generally positive and assumed the best with my partner (usually out of insecurity that i didn't deserve better and should be happy and adapt to whoever i'm with). but i would receive negativity for the smallest things e.g. i quipped a joke, "my love for you is like diarrhea; i can't hold it in". this joke got me a two hour yell-fest about how it's disgusting and dirty, 'i can't believe you're comparing us to diarrhea!'
    anyway, i'm happily engaged now and my fiance's the absolute best. four years together and strong. i feel supported and loved. we have disagreements but at the end of the day, we love each other and i feel that from her. :)
    thanks, anna, for bringing to light. it really illuminated a lot of my past relationships and why they failed.

  • @FueledByDaria
    @FueledByDaria 2 года назад +2

    This was painful to watch because I recognized that I’m definitely in negative sentiment override with my partner almost all the time, and that’s what’s causing a lot of my bottled up resentment recently. But I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t want us to break up… how to I override the override?? 😔

  • @zodlord5669
    @zodlord5669 2 года назад +1

    I don't wanna sound negative but how come it's always the single person with a lot emotional baggage that gives relationship advice

    • @m2pozad
      @m2pozad 2 года назад

      Losers love company!

  • @sillygoose_8635
    @sillygoose_8635 2 года назад +4

    I'm so glad she didn't say "the one thing you need is self-love! Just love yourself more! You cant love someone else if you cant love yourself!"

    • @alexshane5713
      @alexshane5713 2 года назад +1

      That's relationships level 1 lol

  • @Fab_Rain
    @Fab_Rain 2 года назад +1

    "For the rest of your God given life" Really? Divorce has been popularise. Can we really say that nowadays?

  • @LoLAncient
    @LoLAncient 2 года назад +2

    Thing with this ideology that I struggle with is that it is basically tricking yourself into committing.
    Like I'm not saying someone should be without problems or whatever because that's completely unrealistic but it feels like PSO is another way of saying "just ignore the problem its fine" which I don't agree with. Obviously it depends on the person but I feel like PSO sets a dangerous precendent and allows toxic behaviour to manifest itself as opposed to trying to play whack a mole with issues as they arise.
    Some problems may not ever disappear but i feel like just letting them stay there and blaming it on an "off day" isn't healthy.

  • @taylormacpherson3835
    @taylormacpherson3835 2 года назад +2

    I wonder if divorce rates are lower in California because people stay together longer or if it’s because people are less likely to get married compared to more conservative states (unsure what the stats are in that just an assumption)

  • @Snowkone81
    @Snowkone81 2 года назад +2

    Yes to everything you said, but primarily both people have to want to be/stay married, want to communicate, and want to work through the good and the bad. When it's only 1 side that wants to do it, then end it now. Speaking from personal experience...

  • @itsdeonlol
    @itsdeonlol 2 года назад +2

    There will always be some sort of problem in a relationship... You just have to talk it out with your partner... Communication is the key.

  • @TiasTravels
    @TiasTravels 2 года назад +2

    ANNA my therapist was literally talking to me about this on Tuesday!!

  • @SGRmoss
    @SGRmoss 2 года назад +1

    Who is this woman? How is she qualified to talk about these matters? Honestly, I'm just wondering.

    • @labranehit7687
      @labranehit7687 2 года назад

      I agree with you. But it's still entertaining even if should be taken with fists of salt.

    • @vstam390
      @vstam390 2 года назад +1

      She makes content about her own therapy.

    • @rrsidentfrickhoe
      @rrsidentfrickhoe Год назад

      As much as the people who push the stigma tbh

  • @duskshadow25
    @duskshadow25 2 года назад +5

    There's a saying in Chinese idiom that states, "人心叵测." The rough translation is saying humans have unpredictable heart. We can compare a wild animal vs. a human. The basic idea is that you have to be more on guard against a human than a wild animal because at the very least you know what a wild animal true intention is, and their true nature won't change such as a tiger will always eat meat and will kill for food, so you know how to deal with that and be on guard when you see a tiger. But when it comes to humans, they're very unpredictable. You don't know what they're going to do next or what they're thinking because they can be nice to you today and the next day they can backstab you. You can know someone your whole life but in reality you don't know them a bit and they end up on the news for murdering someone the next day. Someone you never thought would ever do something like that ends up doing something horrible and you're just in disbelieve. This is often also how you always hear a husband kills his wife or vice-versa, and people are just shocked because they thought those couples loved each other.
    If people look at history, all the great kings and emperors who have made their names in history and somehow got taken out, a lot of them were betrayed by their closest friends or family members. You take that concept to today's society, humans are still the same. Often times it's those that are the closest to us that we would never think they would backstab us, and then little did we know what they really think of us and would do if opportunity presents itself to throw us under the bus.
    This begs the question why people even try to be establish relationship with other people in the first place just to fit in, because to me it seems illogical aside from survival. But now that we live in a society where a lot of resources are more accessible, we can avoid a lot of these unnecessary issues altogether simply by avoiding these relationships. Instead of going on a date during the weekends and hoping you'll find the one, wouldn't it be better for you to stay home and catch up on your sleep since you're so exhausted from work during the weekdays?
    It never made sense to me when people waste so much of their time on these relationships because they're hoping another person would bring them happiness or fill this hole in their life or some kind, when in reality it should be the other way around. When you can finally be content by yourself and be happy by yourself, you'll start to realize relationship or not, it doesn't matter if you're in one or not. The important thing is your state of being and how you view and feel about your own happiness.
    People need to understand that freedom is the possibility of isolation. You are free if you can withdraw from people, not having to seek them out for the sake of money, company, love, glory or curiosity, none of which can thrive in silence and solitude. If you can't live alone, you were born a slave. And you'll continue to be a slave because you're constantly depending on someone else or another external factor to bring you happiness. In the end, it'll just give you more pain because once that external factor is gone, so does your happiness.

  • @cm-yu6gu
    @cm-yu6gu 2 года назад +1

    "choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems"
    OH MY GOD HOW PIN POINTEDLY ACCURATE

  • @michaeljames2878
    @michaeljames2878 2 года назад +1

    Lol wtf am i doing? Im single

  • @Ipsissimus
    @Ipsissimus 2 года назад +1

    "I do until the day I die." Which will be real soon if you don't soak those dishes! Amen.

  • @donc-m4900
    @donc-m4900 2 года назад +1

    Nobody seem to acept her marriage proposal.

  • @ruma7945
    @ruma7945 2 года назад +1

    you always site so many sources and statistics; it would be really nice if you could link some of them or your recourses in general.

  • @yanikjayaram
    @yanikjayaram Год назад +2

    2:08 - love the hand acting for "9.3%", and the "you got...you got google in there" lines. really solid comedic work

  • @vexgriseo
    @vexgriseo 2 года назад +2

    I've been watching your channel for so long & you still always surprise me with new, insightful bits. Thank you!

  • @DayDreamOfUnicorns
    @DayDreamOfUnicorns 2 года назад +1

    sounds like a jojo stand

  • @Saewara
    @Saewara 2 года назад +2

    0:34 I just came out here to have a good time and I feel so attacked right now 😭
    That aside, the dresses, THE DRESSES !!! You look so beautiful

  • @shieladaitol
    @shieladaitol 2 года назад +2

    Anna thank u for explaining this in a way no one can!!! you are amazing and soooo creative ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • @starsheepie
    @starsheepie 2 года назад

    I love Gottman's couples therapy model, however, I think your statistics were off. Unfortunately, CA's divorce rate is actually 60%, making it 10% higher than the nation's rate.

  • @rheijm9201
    @rheijm9201 Год назад

    ..and blind spots collision avoidance, with park option.Lane keeping assist.High beam assist and the scrabble favourite : rear Cross Traffic collision avoidance assist.
    This episode is the Hyundai i 20 brochure, sublimal. Babe, you can deny it, but i see though you (ISTY-system).

  • @darthskeptus9911
    @darthskeptus9911 2 года назад

    In before I watch: It's communication, isn't it? Communication?
    After I watch: It's porn.
    No seriously, I haven't watched it yet, I'll tell you the answer in 6 minutes and 8 seconds...

  • @jerrys1530
    @jerrys1530 2 года назад +3

    Surprisingly enough I'm in a place where I needed some self reflection and this actually helped with part of my break up giving me some closer on that

  • @SoulfulJim1
    @SoulfulJim1 2 месяца назад

    Hmmm…”Negative Sentiment Override” seems a lot like “It’s time to move on” syndrome. I’m sure if you’ve been together for a while, you started out feeling positively towards each other. When that changes, it’s because you feel the need to meet someone new. Please correct me if you think I’m wrong.

  • @catalpamaple486
    @catalpamaple486 2 года назад +1

    cognitive bias

  • @kkyl5175
    @kkyl5175 2 года назад +1

    Sad thing is when your partner snores and it is not something that can’t be cured. Anyone in that same boat?

  • @annaeverette8960
    @annaeverette8960 2 года назад +1

    Does he say anything about a realistic sentiment override? Hmm.

  • @jememe5209
    @jememe5209 2 года назад +1

    I’d like to think I’m positive sentiment override but clinical anxiety makes that difficult 🙃

  • @SequeiraTiago
    @SequeiraTiago 2 года назад +1

    Missed opportunity for "Stay awesome, Gottman"

  • @NovelNovelist
    @NovelNovelist 2 года назад +1

    Speaking of stats, hasn't the divorce rate actually been super stable for a really long time though? Like since the 70s or something.

  • @JackWard66
    @JackWard66 2 года назад +1

    Each gives to the other without limits and appreciates the same. Recognizing the some days that will be more, and some days that will be less. That's how We've made it so long my wife and I.
    I think the fact that she doesn't over think things and perseverate like so many of my ex's had. She doesn't judge where she should be and where she is in comparison with her friends. She's where she is with me and I with her. And together we're moving forward.
    My mom said it best about she and my father (married 61 years and childhood sweethearts).
    "I knew I wasn't getting much. I was getting him. And we would make our lives together. That's all I wanted was him. Not a rock. Not a house. Not a name. Not things. Those were what WE would decide on."
    Most people's expectations screw up their lives. Just live it. Together.

  • @sarahal-zahrani1960
    @sarahal-zahrani1960 2 года назад +1

    69% of problems being unresolved seems extreme that's basically 7 out if evey 10 issues. SMH I wouldn't know what to do in that case, I guess it all depends on what qualifies as a problem.

    • @americantoadsarecool
      @americantoadsarecool 2 года назад

      Yeah, I see why people wouldn’t want to get into relationships with stats like that.

  • @RiruKrypto_
    @RiruKrypto_ 2 года назад

    Can’t have any problems if you never been in a relationship. 😌👈

  • @primewing94
    @primewing94 2 месяца назад +1

    Nice