Me too. The gaslighting of endless false promises that would never come to fruition was beyond frustrating and confusing. It was a permanent purgatory as long as I was with the icky narc.
I had to keep journals to stop the self gaslighting. The journals were written in real time. I often wonder if things were “that bad”. Then I read from days or weeks or years later…yes, it was that bad.
This past year I've been Journaling. It helps to reaffirm my feelings and assessments... of past events. 4 years no contact, and assessing current radar signatures
I used to feel confused. Then, I educated myself with your video's, now I am not. You saved my sanity. They are weak, pathetic, non-human beings. I can not thank you enough. ❤
Once you get out and go No Contact, your clarity will return. I am relieved that I got out. I was heading towards an early grave. I got no help with anything including our kids. I would not treat my worst enemy like that.
@racebannon96 my current schedule allows me to have less interaction w narc. I actually feel my brain fog clearing the more time I am not in contact w them. Weekends are often v bad, though, it s like Hell in a Cell.
Rumination used to be the one that drove me crazy. My brain trying to work things out, going over and over it. Thinking is it them, is it me, feeling so angry, hurt, stressed, guilty. What a damn relief not to be doing that any more. Narcissists will see this happening and do nothing, they let you squirm! Their wierd justifications, and allowing the self blame benefits them. That my own mother does this is ridiculous. I wouldn't want a stranger to feel like that let alone my own child. Dr ramini and dr carter and Jerry wise, area god send. No longer confused nor ruminating is like finding an oasis in the desert ✌
Another very common feeling for me as a wife being married to an alcoholic, vulnerable narcissist: OPPRESSION. Stuffed in a box, defined by their words, not really seen or considered, emotional punching bag, blame bucket, door mat. It all boiled down to this injustice like feeling of OPPRESSION
God help you both. The narcissism alone is torture enough for anyone. Combined with alcoholism I can’t imagine. I had a brother like that, but I hardly ever had to deal with him.
Same for me, we were not married and recently broke up, but I just start to realise how much the alcohol made all worse. For long time I thought "Ah, no worries, it's just beer!".. but being accused/shamed while someome is drunk and don't remember next morning but of course you remember.. horrible. Thanks for sharing, I think there lies much power in sharing those experiences.
😂 Absolutely true. Now that mine knows I’m no longer entirely fooled, when she realizes that I’ve spotted her on something, she stares at me with a calm predatory gaze for an uncomfortable moment and then delivers her line, in essence daring me to call her out on it.
I did mirror him many times just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. They responded with a sudden change of topic but still just as confusing with their word tossed salad.
I wish people would stop telling others "You teach people how to treat you." While there is an element of truth to this, when a person is struggling in a narcissistic relationship, it is tantamount to blaming the abused for their abuse. The idea that if you just handled things better, the narcissist would treat you better or that you get the treatment you deserve because you've taught others to treat you badly is infuriating.
❤ feel the same. May apply with some buuut healthy relationships. Doesnt apply to these relationships. Because as dr ramani says. You can't win. Setting boundaries or being the healthy one... means they double down on their insidious treatments. Please dont do x > it makes me feel... ensures they will in some way train you to accept the treatment or choose the consequences. Both come at high costs.
100% right. That, and “You have to work together “ or “Just tell her how you feel”. It’s like being the prisoner of a psycho killer and people are telling you to be more reasonable.
It's a terrible phrase to say to someone WHILE they're in a narc relationship. On the other hand, this phrase is pretty important in recovering from and in future avoiding/staving off narcissists because a change in attitude-a change in how we signal what we'll tolerate-will dissuade narcs from consider you as prey.
I don’t have to teach nice, healthy people how to treat me. They automatically know how to treat people. That’s why I got all the toxic people out of my life. 😊Anyway, I’m treated well and I didn’t have to teach anyone.
I kept a journal and after a year of No Contact, I picked it up and started reading. I felt so ashamed about what I d put myself through...Strangely some of the things I d written I couldn't remember had happened, I think it was my mind's way of blocking out the painful situations. It was almost painful reading everything I d written, was this me? I d stayed with a guy who made me into a shell of the person I was. I actually threw away the journal, it was just too much, also I didn t want my sons to find it....Thankfully its 2 and a half years now, I can say that now I m back to being me. I still watch Dr Ramani s videos to remind me never to do this to myself again. Be strong, time helps but you can overcome having lived with a narcissist..
Me too. You feel critically watched from the beginning. I think, as Dr. Ramani said, society has a lot to answer for. Luckily, I didn’t marry a narcissist partner. But his parents are/were refused treatment Asperger/hoarder and schizophrenic/narcissist. My parents were severe covert/narcissist and abandoning father.
I knew something was wrong before we married. I had to initiate sex. He then gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks before the wedding, so I told him I was calling it off and I meant every word, believing he wouldn’t care. He did care, well, in as much as he lied telling me he would change. He wanted to use me, abuse me, and so he could stay in my country! I knew I’d made the biggest mistake on our wedding night….fast forward 30 years, I’ve lost confidence, self esteem and my anxiety and panic disorder are 100 x worse. I don’t even go out much. I’m lonely and isolated. All this because I married this narcassist and only found out a couple of years ago 😢
Same. As a kid I begged my mom to leave my dad but she wouldn’t go. I knew something was very wrong, but I was gaslighted to believe it wasn’t abuse. Not until after my second divorce from a narcissist did I go to therapy and figure out all the toxicity and why I kept accepting bad treatment from my SOs.
🚩🚩🚩Future faking begins at the first date. Please note, future planning on first dates isn't a romantic, "found my true soulmate " sign. It's a big red flag for someone who won't run the marathon of life with you, but rather will sprint till you're hooked on a trauma bond.
Yes! Big red flag if someone starts talking about future plans with you on a first date, and even in the first few months. A form of love bombing, making you think they care about you so much, because they're supposedly thinking of a future with you.
@@christinelamb1167 or worse. It was love from the first sight. Given our culture, you can't argue with that, and feel almost shamefully guilty when attempting to think logically.
Yesterday, my neighbor who had been missing for days was found. Her husband admitted to second degree murder and will get 16 years. Kelly Paduchowski has two small children and no one knew she was in a toxic relationship. No neighbors heard anything until the morning he killed her. Be safe out there. 💔
It's so confusing , so embarrassing and shame to admit to yourself that you chose badly, didn't have better boundaries, and were tricked into choosing a manipulated relationship 😳. Self gaslighting becomes the norm ... it's humbling to realize you were only there for there needs their egos their social status to make them feel good and look good . So heartbreaking 💔 to lose yourself this way , and to be betrayed used and know they never really cared about you beyond what you could do for them. 😢 On a sad level I wish I had just remained an old , experienceing, seeing only what the " general public " sees, hears knows about him. instead of getting in a relationship and being in the close circle where you see the truths that implodes all you thought you knew and sucks you into a nightmare world of trying your hardest to "fix" issues and realizing only their needs & wants matter ...that you are a trophy for their egos and their social status.😢😢
My spine and guts are literally shaking in this exact experience Everytime people compliment my partner to me and I just have to agree or say nothing... they have check mated us if we make a joke about them not having great energy or an honest statement about something else our partners done these people turn on Us.... now we are outcast for making them feel uncomfortable or talking shit or gossiping about someone they like It's unbearable that you become apart of there Lies against your own will and for your own protection
Knowing all this and accepting it and still in the same place. The work place is more noticeable when they make you feel so low even though you know that you’re giving your 100%.
I looked up somatic healing and emily colligan has helped me ALOT to learn how to work with the confusion and shame and abandonment feelings because I couldn’t get unstuck no matter how much I knew
I've been watching countless videos from you, Dr. Ramani. This may be your best summary yet. I'm surviving two 83-year-old narcissistic parents and your insights explained more than I ever understood as a 56-year-old man. Thank you.
I used to confront my narc mom and again with my cheater boyfriend it did not work with either of them. They pretend to listen, ' sorry for the way it made you feel' Never owning anything.
Thank you so much, Doctor Ramani, finally someone who validates what is going on in these abusive relationships. I got so much validation from you about what I was shouting from mountaintop about what was happening to me but no one would listen. thank you, thank you, thank you...
I remember, at age 9, to have been quietly crying for a whole week of fall vacation. I think it was the week I subconsciously stopped trying with my mom. Of course, no-one noticed my crying..
I have been watching all your videos and interviews and i've never felt more understood. I'm still recovering from a 10year relationship with a narcissist even 5 years out. In one way, i'm much happier because I mostly have peace now (except when he decides to dox me on ocassion) but it has left me so damaged that I haven't been able to allow anyone else into my life and just constant self doubt that i'm able to make good choices. All I see are red flags now. I've ordered your book and am really looking foward to it. I sure do wish that there was a psychologist in central Florida who has the kind of experience that you do. I'm so tired of this still affecting my life after years.
the powerlessness part made me feel so validated but very sad. i did not make that connection before, with culture and the governing bodies but it is so so true sadly. especially here in eastern europe right now, if you are a young woman (who does not want to only give birth just to MAYBE get a better loan offer) and you are not some nepo baby or coming from upper class family, you are nothing and you will have nothing. I am 30 with good education, a relatively good job and i have NO HOPE of ever having a family, or having my own flat (not even dreaming of a house). and then on top of that you have debts from student loan, if you are mentally ill, there is no way of getting help without money, and the healthcare system feels like kills more people then it saves. invalidated by doctors, overlooked and hurt by every politician in power. and after all of this, you get traumatized over and over again with cruel abusive relationships (because you have never seen a healthy one ever). i swear, if it wasnt for my doggos and cat im not sure i would be here
My spouse recently went to one session with a therapist who has been practicing for 25 years and the therapist told him they have only come across one narcissist in all their years of practice. Then they told my spouse that he isn't a narcissist. Funny because he fits the description of a narcissist and since learning about it his behavior now makes sense. I wish I would have realized sooner I was married to a narcissist it would have explained so much and armed with better options. I also could have saved a lot of time and breath. Wish I would have kept a record as well.
Same here. The issue is that covert / fragile narcissism is not an officially recognized condition, so most therapists are not trained in it. They are only trained in grandiose narcissism which is an entirely different animal. So if you do manage to convince them that the person has issues, they will look at it as an anxiety disorder or something. Then the narcissist will turn that into an excuse, and the situation will be worse than when you started. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because even if the therapist diagnoses them as a covert narcissist they almost never will accept it or change. The core problem is that they cannot see themselves as bad, wrong or the problem. It’s not that they won’t, they can’t. They are delusional. They can only see themselves as one of three things. The hero / saint. The victim. The martyr. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what they did, they are justified good and right. And conversely, it doesn’t matter what you do, you are wrong, bad, worse than them. Because they need you to be in order to hang on to their delusional self image. This does not change no matter what. There is nothing you can do. You can present them with proof and a thousand witnesses telling them, it won’t matter. They are how they are, they see things how they see them. It doesn’t change.
It's very, very difficult knowing now for sure that my great suspicion of my marriage being toxic is indeed true. The difficult thing is at that now being age 66, I feel like I felt when I was 19 leaving my crazy upbringing. I had no clue what to do with my life. That's how I feel now, especially after having come to the place where my self worth has been terribly compromised. My days at home, off from work, are quite uncomfortable because of feeling my life has little meaning. I'm looking for the thing that some people say is - that the answer is really deep within and when I give it room, the answer will surface. I open my arms to receive the answer. May the light come on that my life has a purpose and is worthwhile. I hope healing and answers are coming to all of. Dr. Ramani, thank you for all you do.
Probably not. A good question to ask is who’s frame am I living in. Theirs or mine? Am I living the life I want or am I supporting the life they want? Whoever is getting what they want is the narc. Whoever is doing all the real work is the victim. Whoever has a life, hobbies, friends etc is the narc. Whoever doesn’t have time for that is the victim. Whoever can come and go without having to account for where they were and who they were with is the narc. Whoever needs to explain themselves is the victim.
"The 'confusion element' of narcissistic abuse, is why the overall syndrome of narcissistic abuse, has been in the shadows for so long." - 12:12 min... 👍👍👍❤❤❤ I agree so much and I would add intimidation/rage causing fight/flight/freeze/fawn of paralyzing fear in victims... They are scary... no one, not even therapists want to risk the intimidation, threats, and safety issues... It is a scary world... Also, I think scared people might feel that having a scary narc on their side at any cost, will protect them from other scary narcs...Thank you so much!!!!! At least the world is honest now. When I was a kid, I was brought up to think the world was 'good'. Talk about 'confusing'. Now I know and can see all the 'evil' and I know it exists... That's clarifying and repairs my confusion... I see the world for what it is...
Ich hoffe mit meiner ganzen gebrochenen Seele und aus tiefstem Herzen, dass diese Unmenschen irgendwann dafür bestraft werden, was sie anderen antun ohne jede Gnade. Körperliche Misshandlungen werden strafrechtlich verfolgt und der Missbrauch durch einen Narzissten ist mindestens genauso schlimm. Es braucht Gerechtigkeit...vor allem auch für Kinder! Niemand hilft und das ist das schlimmste daran. Gewalt bleibt Gewalt, egal ob physisch oder psychisch und gehört bestraft!
The entire country feels this way to me now...confusion! It's exhausting! My narcissist husband 's health is failing so it has become his entire focus...he's the one who retired and sat in his recliner for a year and now can hardly walk. He had back surgery and was told he needed another surgery but the surgeon he liked moved so he got mad, blamed him for moving, and never had more work done. Everything has become my job...feeling trapped is an understatement!!
💖 Hang in there. There’s little else you can do. I know how you feel. People not in the situation don’t understand how trapped we are. Just walking away is easier said than done, especially when you’re older. The price of walking away is often just too high. You want to strangle them, but apparently that’s frowned upon. 🙄 What I do that helps some is I try to be grateful that I’m still strong and not a train wreck like them, and I put some effort into taking care of myself to keep it that way. You’re better than him, and that’s why you have to take care of him. You’re strong, he’s weak. Good luck.
@12:40 spot on! A world of confused people - revolving around emotionally self centered, afraid to fail adults and children. Terrifyingly, nowadays children are trained to be emotionally fragile, self centered in home and school systems. The unlimited screen time since toddler years desensitized the residues of natural kindness and empathy in young children. We are actively producing a narcissistic society in a way humanity has never known before.
I agree...the confusion is so overwhelming before I understand what was goin on...I was enlightened only when I found out about narcissism from your channel Dr. Ramani...thank you for sharing ur knowledge to us for free.❤
Narcisstic people do not lie deliberately. They forget very easily and often has no contact with reality. But that makes it worse because they cannot se things as they are in the real world.
My divorce from a decades long marriage to a narcissist--confusion, shame, guilt and powerlessness on steroids. If I thought the marriage was bad, man was I unprepared for post-separation abuse. Grateful to name the feelings and for the validation.
Afraid. I felt afraid and had to do everything the “right” way, trying my best to avoid abuse. I learned that wasn’t possible. He was always up to something sinister. It was horrible. My father had to be (or at least feel like he was) in control and that often included of me and of the narrative he fed his friends and family about me. His gaslighting became so obvious and didn’t work, but even that was problematic in a way. He knew he was losing the control he once had over me, my emotions, and reactions. What worked when I was little didn’t work so easily once I learned about this- here. Thank you Dr. Ramani. From the outside it didn’t matter what I did. I was in no way who he told others I was, nor did I do what he claimed I did. I had one friend who knew him and what he was capable of, and I learned in this channel, I had to be very cautious. On the inside I couldn’t escape what I did/didn’t do mattering. Trying to avoid abuse every day becomes a full-time job. As bad as it was I know it would’ve been worse had I not found this channel 19 months ago. Still watching, still learning. Still working through the pain. I’ll never understand how a parent can subjugate, indoctrinate, gaslight, coercively control, and carefully create narratives that destroy our relationships, to protect their own image and ego. They’re dedicated to protecting their ego, do awful things to us, then tell others we’re the problem and might destroy our image in light of protecting theirs. Seems they do understand what they’re doing to us and they just don’t care.
Yesterday at the grocery store a guy said hi and asked if I'm single. Then he asked what I'm doing tonight. Then he asked if I wanted to come over to his place for drinks. He asked for my number. I said that I just got out of something difficult and am taking a breather. He said you don't want to give me your number? I said no sorry. He said it's ok. Then when I was walking to checkout... he was standing watching and asked again... you sure you don't want to give me your number. Then he said I can go ahead of him and I said thank you. The checkout was closed and then instead of moving over to another one... I walked back into the aisles and then did realize I forgot something. I don't think he was decent, asking me over to his place.
After the refusal a decent guy probably would just go away or maybe offer to give you HIS number in hopes that you'll change your mind later. Not follow you around.
@@cb9825 , Yes, I agree that a guy in his position should just hand you his card, but maybe he didn't think of it. I'm old enough to remember when almost everyone kept "calling cards" in their wallet or handbag.😂
on the plus side with intense guilt, despite how much the narc calls YOU out on being "selfish," or whatever, probably means that you are NOT selfish, NOT the Narc and NOT a bad person, even if we can feel like we are sometimes. Because we all know the narcs don't feel ANY guilt or awareness of others' emotions at all. If you are in a state of guilt, know that you have empathy and if you can't make sense of why you feel so guilty, YOU are not the problem. No one is ever perfect, it is, or should be, OKAY to make mistakes and a lot of times the disconnect you feel is NOT just in your head. Thank you Dr. Ramani
It’s so hard to get rid of my narcissistic! We have a child & he uses her as a pawn to get back in the house . I have kicked him out numerous times& I have been done . He’s has a drinking problem that landed him in the hospital recently. I had to call 911 . I just want him out of my life ! I don’t know what to do anymore 😞🙄😵💫😩😭
Listen to "Should I Stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft & Jack Patrissi on Audible. It will run you through a series of questions & exercises to help you overcome the confusion & create a plan for yourself. Lundy Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusive, angry & controlling men across cultures for 30+ years.You're in a tough spot. Seems like the alcoholism must be addressed first. He's self medicating to deal with his problems because he doesn't have the skills he needs to navigate life & relationships in healthy ways. Tell him you want the best for him & your family & that his excessive drinking is causing a lot of problems & that he needs to go to AA to continue living at home. A Judge would agree in a custody hearing. Keep track of things. But listen to that book. It addresses everything from alcoholism, mental health problems, personality disorders, cheating,physical abuse, etc. Write it down for legal purposes. Praying for the best for each of you.
My mother didn't want me. I said it out loud to someone I trusted and got called a liar. That person hasn't spoken to me in half a year now. I have been informed they are going to be invited to Christmas with the extended fam. I'm going to have to be like, "I'm gonna sit this year out" and then everyone will descend on me like a swarm of bees demanding to know why I am shunning that person. Like I was the troublemaker all along. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that but I know I'm not going to just cave to keep the peace. This person tells me I made it all up and then disowns me and I'm going to be expected to be the one to "make peace" with them. No. I've done too much work healing to let someone who broke my trust that hard back in my life. This is the person who I stayed in the hell for. The person I gave up my childhood to raise. Whose diapers I changed when I was 5 years old. Who comiserated with me when our teens were a mess. The person I chose over and over to NOT run away and save myself for. I remember one time in my early teens, being beaten in the car in the driveway upon arriving home. Mom locked the door so I couldn't escape. Then they decided to take it inside and she took my shoes away, making me walk inside barefood over the sharp rocks, thinking that would stop me from running. That night after they were all asleep I sat in my bedroom (the attic with no insulation and no door) in the dark thinking how easy it would be to pack my backpack and leave, but knowing that I neither would nor could because I had to stay and protect my baby brother. Now he says he never saw me being abused or neglected so I obviously made it all up. I don't need this from him or from any of them. My kids don't need that. My amazing husband does not need to have to spend weeks or months fishing my battered soul out of the pit of self-doubt and self-blame that would come of conceeding the 40 years of battles I fought to be as whole and sane as I am today just to make nice for a holiday. I have wonderful in-laws we can spend the holiday with. If my brother wants to spit on everything I gave up so he could sit there and say he never saw anything bad so I am a liar, well, I can't unblind him. I guess that's God's job.
Does anyone else notice in a narcissistic family system everyone else is allowed to have their preferences in how they choose to live? It's one person who isn't "allowed" that one person has to accommodate others.
Yup. They all lay out boundaries, and you are expected to work around them. The sooner you develop an attitude and start saying no, and laying out some of your own boundaries the better. The longer it goes the harder it will be. They will make you feel guilty for doing it, tough it out. Be willing to be the bad guy. It’s not easy if you’re a good person at heart, but you have to do it. Good luck.
‼️‼️‼️ Yup, my family was pissed because my daughter was participating in cultural things from my husband’s family that I comprised on. They said “what else are they going to do?” And that I can’t “think for myself”. Ironically me living my life exactly like them is me “thinking for myself” apparently. Does that even make sense??
They looove to demand respect do...And humility! At least one of my narcissistic siblings 😢 she gaslight me heavily with that, without respecting me of course and the result was massive. My self-esteem inexistent, self doubt through the clouds and confused AF. Atrocious.
Dr. Ramani. I find myself going between losing my car to just have peace. Keep my car (gives me money) = constant wanting me to follow him around, to places with him and demands responses. Loose my car (no money) = complete silence and no demands. This is just crazy!
A person with a "personality disorder" has learned, whether consciously or not to manage shame and fear inside them by lying, the creation of the persona, which is made up of lies, and which in their head is for avoiding fear and toxic shame, and to them means living, or not. If your life depended on maintaining a lie, of who you are (a good person, a skilled person, etc and not like your own abusers), mainly to avoid your own inner state, its going to be your biggest goal, and you would be very very good at lying, which for honest healthy people is very challenging to believe. Believe it.
Spot on. Today another light switched on. You retold exactly what it's like. I may have effects mentioned but the moment I left was the happiest moment. I'm still pissed off its taken me this long to begin to create my free and healing. Realising it but the relief, the utter relief no longer in contact, the end to me suddenly unconsciously holding my breath awaking with that gasp, freaking a hypnotist out mid hypnosis, in everything I did. Now months later I've stopped holding my breath, breathing low, trully feeling peace in the moment. Shinning more resilient, stronger, confident & loving myself. Thank you Dr.
Im ok to be angry over my family, and after 10 years of searching for the right therapy I finally get EMDR. I also get help to get my house in order and make me throw out stuff, as I have problems with throwing things away. !(im not a horder!!!!) it’s just a mess and need help to sort it all out, manage how to get it all in order. = when my(npd) mother died and my sister vanished with the enhancement I lost it totaly. Than I finally recognized their pattern, and Dr Ramani gave me the insight… so good but soooo painfull when you find out that your mother is mentally not ok to raze a little human -that also lives once!
I used to be open with how my abusive family was, but not any more because people see me as less than and are more likely to misuse me eg patronising and controlling. Also, some exes i shared with told me their families were good - but when i met them or heard more, it was super obvious emotional abuse etc was extreme! I also don't share as people can feel shocked and traumatised just hearing any of it.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I really needed this video, I'm an unemployed 45 yearl old woman struggling to find a job and I'm currently depending on my 83 year old narcisistic mother for money, it's not only a humiliating situation, but she's making it worse by calling me useless and shaming me because I'm having a hard time finding work, the woman is a snake.(sorry if I made any English mistakes)
Dr. Ramani, please do a video on narcissists and fireworks. These people have been popping them for hours, and it's now midnight. I can't help but think only a narc would do this for so long without caring about any neighbors, homes, or animals nearby. I hope the hummingbirds still come back to my yard after all of this. The smoke is horrible.
Yea…. Its become a response. When things get hard i get disoriented and confused and my solution is to go back to square one to figure it out but this feeds my hyper vigilance and it can take an hour to get unconfused. 😔
Thank you so much, very grateful for your guidance and deep diving into these issues. I didn’t realize I was keeping these issues all alive for them, not true living or freedom for myself. It’s totally possible!
Doc, you've help me realize that I need to choose to NOT be in an abusive relationship. Yes, financials are a deterrent. Yes, the 50 years of stuff in my garage (tools, etc.) is a deterrent. You, the shrink, have convinced me that the stuff is not worth the abuse. I'm to the point where I can walk away and leave all the stuff for the next "victim" to "enjoy".
First off , thank you, Dr. Ramani...5 mins into this video, i felt an ache to my soul , i gaslight myself....having realized this , I can now work on changing / stopping the behavior.
Powerlessness is a belief - thoughts, not a feeling. We think - (believe)we are powerless and feelings tell us that's untrue, feelings are a useful warning system. PD people believe they are completely powerless and use dominance (fear) to try to control that feeling, in themselves, via you and a bunch of other "tools, don't be a tool. :) Thanks Dr. Ramani, when I understood thoughts v feelings it really helped me grow and heal that using that understanding.
Dr Ramani i am blown away by your knowledge, insight instruction and invaluable understanding of both the narcissist and the victim. Thank you for your work and dedication. You make every difference :)
By listening to you I have been able to understand I have spent 30 years of my life living with a narcissist. He let me go so I took advantage and left my house. I have been able to manage the situation to my favor. It took a lot of time and courage, but I understand now the game.
I got to the point where my covert narc lied so much that I started to record our conversations as he lied and denied so much - I now have the proof and the extent of his lies. This was all prior to actually knowing what narcissism is and now that I know he's definitely a covert narc - now just listening to these recordings over the past 2 years I finally realize the total extent of his abuse and lies, smear campaign, etc etc. I can't believe that I have lived in this marriage for so long dealing with this abuse - actually makes me sick when listening to these recordings - the proof beyond doubt is there and the proof of his lying is in all the messaging to the other women, his x wife and even the smear campaign he was doing at church with the pastor......
Over Guilted for normal emotions and feelings, desires and needs= the set up for feeling perpetually at fault and made to carry a burden to fix the unfixable. Very hard to set boundaries in that mind screw. And when you start or at leasy when i did. I often felt guilty then and thinking i was being aggressive ❤💔 sometimes true but even then the aggression had a true fear and reason. And it wasnt as if i was cursing them or cutting them down and to peices even if i could take it back a notch to not being so like bam.❤
This vid help me with some complex trauma the trail back to my childhood. Thank you so much these videos got me out of a narcissistic relationship that was the most extreme experience levels that doctor Romney talks about!! Everything she said in all of these videos is the kind of person that I was with to the max level. But I was able to break free with your guys's love and support😂 I was able to see the patterns I was able to put the narcissistic puzzle together stand back and look at it !!!! This is not what I signed up for.... I had good intentions when entering the relationship for a happy life with a partner but that's not what I ended up with. A nightmare of a fake reality in every debilitating thing that a human could do to another person was inflicted on me physical mental emotional sexual financial abuse . I was able to climb out of this situation by listening to these videos right after leaving the relationship so I can understand what experience I was going through... Thank you again you saved my life ! ❤and always respect.
Interesting. I have noticed that I now have a habit of saying my truth aloud, to myself. I have to check myself because I don't want the vulnerable narcissist in my life to hear me. 😬
I remember at 4, how weird my new stepmom acted. Her lack of boundaries need to control everything scared me and I felt so alone. She seemed to be targeting my sense of self, my well-being. I couldn’t talk to ANYONE about it because she had everyone fooled. She convinced me I was a troubled child.
Its october 17th oh makes sense im having anxiety Its november 5th-7th got a new phone he set up after throwing my phone after threatening my parent me physically harm if i came back home and he had a party and had the girl he cheated on me over and i found out. Oh its december... ptsd is a bia but gets better more when we can see it and understand it too. The pattern at its worst happened always around same time. But we can let it fade by awareness
Is guilt related to not knowing your likes any longer, like you have no right to your separate likes? It can be as simple as realizing you have a favorite flavor that is different than those in the 'household'.
🤔 Maybe you’re right. About a guy falling back in with the narc. Being willing to set the past aside, “it’s too late, tonight, to drag the past out into the light.” In order to get that “one need, in the night.” Met. I’ve done that a thousand times myself. 😂 The poor fool! Right back into the trap. Thanks for sharing bro. I’ll have to go back and listen with this in mind.
my step father is so cruel and has evicted me from the house I was to inherit , and has taken money form me , has plenty of money himself, and is separating me form my kids, however grown, they are still the only happiness I have, and he does not give a shit. now the silent treatment for years. after so many lies. I'm hopeless
You're not in a committed relationship, he's already married. He's using the cheating accusations to keep you on the hook and divert your attention away from the fact that he's a cheating slimeball and you're probably one side chick of several. Start respecting yourself more and improve your morals, go find an available man.
@@appaloosa42 he’s invested and helping me like the first project we did we buy a land in my place ..but the things is he’s wife told me when we’re together he will do same thing he do to her.I feel sad we don’t talk for 3 weeks already I feel good no stress but in the other side I felt guilty for how do I give him back he invested too.?when everytime I talk about money that I will send it all back to him he will block me every where
Future faking is what really did a number on me
Yep.
My daughter is stuck in that right now after her father trained her well and I can't seem to get through to her
Me too. The gaslighting of endless false promises that would never come to fruition was beyond frustrating and confusing. It was a permanent purgatory as long as I was with the icky narc.
That happened to me at work.
I literally thought I had early-onset dementia because I was so confused and thought my brain was wasting away. I’m glad I’m not alone.
Life with a narcissist , one way dead end street
I had to keep journals to stop the self gaslighting. The journals were written in real time. I often wonder if things were “that bad”. Then I read from days or weeks or years later…yes, it was that bad.
This past year I've been Journaling. It helps to reaffirm my feelings and assessments... of past events. 4 years no contact, and assessing current radar signatures
Me, too. ❤❤
I don't know how you can stand it. Having to journal on top of what's already so overwhelming sounds like torcher added to torment.
I did that on FB settings as "only me".
Journaling kept me sane and allowed me to know who I am again after leaving.
I used to feel confused. Then, I educated myself with your video's, now I am not. You saved my sanity. They are weak, pathetic, non-human beings. I can not thank you enough. ❤
The confusion is completely exhasting. Then I get very irritated from the confusion and fog all day long. 😢
Once you get out and go No Contact, your clarity will return. I am relieved that I got out. I was heading towards an early grave. I got no help with anything including our kids. I would not treat my worst enemy like that.
@racebannon96 my current schedule allows me to have less interaction w narc. I actually feel my brain fog clearing the more time I am not in contact w them.
Weekends are often v bad, though, it s like Hell in a Cell.
Everything they do is maddening and makes you feel like you are living in an insane world. Dealing with them is exhausting.
0:26 Confusion
13:11 Shame
24:27 Guilt
39:41 Powelessness
Description of my whole life. And some more
Thank you 😊
Rumination used to be the one that drove me crazy. My brain trying to work things out, going over and over it. Thinking is it them, is it me, feeling so angry, hurt, stressed, guilty. What a damn relief not to be doing that any more. Narcissists will see this happening and do nothing, they let you squirm! Their wierd justifications, and allowing the self blame benefits them. That my own mother does this is ridiculous. I wouldn't want a stranger to feel like that let alone my own child. Dr ramini and dr carter and Jerry wise, area god send. No longer confused nor ruminating is like finding an oasis in the desert ✌
Another very common feeling for me as a wife being married to an alcoholic, vulnerable narcissist: OPPRESSION. Stuffed in a box, defined by their words, not really seen or considered, emotional punching bag, blame bucket, door mat. It all boiled down to this injustice like feeling of OPPRESSION
God help you both. The narcissism alone is torture enough for anyone. Combined with alcoholism I can’t imagine. I had a brother like that, but I hardly ever had to deal with him.
Same for me, we were not married and recently broke up, but I just start to realise how much the alcohol made all worse. For long time I thought "Ah, no worries, it's just beer!".. but being accused/shamed while someome is drunk and don't remember next morning but of course you remember.. horrible.
Thanks for sharing, I think there lies much power in sharing those experiences.
Catching them catching you catching them playing the game. They see you and their reaction confirms what you have come to suspect.
😂 Absolutely true. Now that mine knows I’m no longer entirely fooled, when she realizes that I’ve spotted her on something, she stares at me with a calm predatory gaze for an uncomfortable moment and then delivers her line, in essence daring me to call her out on it.
I did mirror him many times just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. They responded with a sudden change of topic but still just as confusing with their word tossed salad.
I wish people would stop telling others "You teach people how to treat you." While there is an element of truth to this, when a person is struggling in a narcissistic relationship, it is tantamount to blaming the abused for their abuse. The idea that if you just handled things better, the narcissist would treat you better or that you get the treatment you deserve because you've taught others to treat you badly is infuriating.
❤ feel the same. May apply with some buuut healthy relationships.
Doesnt apply to these relationships. Because as dr ramani says. You can't win. Setting boundaries or being the healthy one... means they double down on their insidious treatments.
Please dont do x > it makes me feel... ensures they will in some way train you to accept the treatment or choose the consequences. Both come at high costs.
100% right. That, and “You have to work together “ or “Just tell her how you feel”. It’s like being the prisoner of a psycho killer and people are telling you to be more reasonable.
It's a terrible phrase to say to someone WHILE they're in a narc relationship. On the other hand, this phrase is pretty important in recovering from and in future avoiding/staving off narcissists because a change in attitude-a change in how we signal what we'll tolerate-will dissuade narcs from consider you as prey.
@@cabalavatar Very good point.
I don’t have to teach nice, healthy people how to treat me. They automatically know how to treat people. That’s why I got all the toxic people out of my life. 😊Anyway, I’m treated well and I didn’t have to teach anyone.
I kept a journal and after a year of No Contact, I picked it up and started reading. I felt so ashamed about what I d put myself through...Strangely some of the things I d written I couldn't remember had happened, I think it was my mind's way of blocking out the painful situations. It was almost painful reading everything I d written, was this me? I d stayed with a guy who made me into a shell of the person I was. I actually threw away the journal, it was just too much, also I didn t want my sons to find it....Thankfully its 2 and a half years now, I can say that now I m back to being me. I still watch Dr Ramani s videos to remind me never to do this to myself again. Be strong, time helps but you can overcome having lived with a narcissist..
I knew at a very early age, something was not right.
Me too. You feel critically watched from the beginning. I think, as Dr. Ramani said, society has a lot to answer for. Luckily, I didn’t marry a narcissist partner. But his parents are/were refused treatment Asperger/hoarder and schizophrenic/narcissist. My parents were severe covert/narcissist and abandoning father.
I knew something was wrong before we married. I had to initiate sex. He then gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks before the wedding, so I told him I was calling it off and I meant every word, believing he wouldn’t care. He did care, well, in as much as he lied telling me he would change. He wanted to use me, abuse me, and so he could stay in my country! I knew I’d made the biggest mistake on our wedding night….fast forward 30 years, I’ve lost confidence, self esteem and my anxiety and panic disorder are 100 x worse. I don’t even go out much. I’m lonely and isolated. All this because I married this narcassist and only found out a couple of years ago 😢
@@nickijames5122 so,so sorry for your abuse of 30+ years. Please take care and get well. ❤🩹
Same. As a kid I begged my mom to leave my dad but she wouldn’t go. I knew something was very wrong, but I was gaslighted to believe it wasn’t abuse. Not until after my second divorce from a narcissist did I go to therapy and figure out all the toxicity and why I kept accepting bad treatment from my SOs.
Me either. But it took me decades to get to know what was wrong. 😮💨
🚩🚩🚩Future faking begins at the first date.
Please note, future planning on first dates isn't a romantic, "found my true soulmate " sign. It's a big red flag for someone who won't run the marathon of life with you, but rather will sprint till you're hooked on a trauma bond.
Yes! Big red flag if someone starts talking about future plans with you on a first date, and even in the first few months. A form of love bombing, making you think they care about you so much, because they're supposedly thinking of a future with you.
@@christinelamb1167 or worse. It was love from the first sight.
Given our culture, you can't argue with that, and feel almost shamefully guilty when attempting to think logically.
so trapped it was asphyxiating
This…
I have been self gaslighting myself for as long as I can remember 😢
Same.
❤ I did it. I moved.
🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤
Proud of you!!!!!🎉
Me 2 !
Yesterday, my neighbor who had been missing for days was found. Her husband admitted to second degree murder and will get 16 years. Kelly Paduchowski has two small children and no one knew she was in a toxic relationship. No neighbors heard anything until the morning he killed her.
Be safe out there. 💔
Red flag warnings should be a mandatory part of sex ed for school kids.
It's so confusing , so embarrassing and shame to admit to yourself that you chose badly, didn't have better boundaries, and were tricked into choosing a manipulated relationship 😳.
Self gaslighting becomes the norm ... it's humbling to realize you were only there for there needs their egos their social status to make them feel good and look good . So heartbreaking 💔 to lose yourself this way , and to be betrayed used and know they never really cared about you beyond what you could do for them. 😢 On a sad level I wish I had just remained an old , experienceing, seeing only what the " general public " sees, hears knows about him. instead of getting in a relationship and being in the close circle where you see the truths that implodes all you thought you knew and sucks you into a nightmare world of trying your hardest to "fix" issues and realizing only their needs & wants matter ...that you are a trophy for their egos and their social status.😢😢
My spine and guts are literally shaking in this exact experience
Everytime people compliment my partner to me and I just have to agree or say nothing... they have check mated us if we make a joke about them not having great energy or an honest statement about something else our partners done these people turn on Us.... now we are outcast for making them feel uncomfortable or talking shit or gossiping about someone they like
It's unbearable that you become apart of there Lies against your own will and for your own protection
Knowing all this and accepting it and still in the same place. The work place is more noticeable when they make you feel so low even though you know that you’re giving your 100%.
I looked up somatic healing and emily colligan has helped me ALOT to learn how to work with the confusion and shame and abandonment feelings because I couldn’t get unstuck no matter how much I knew
I've been watching countless videos from you, Dr. Ramani. This may be your best summary yet. I'm surviving two 83-year-old narcissistic parents and your insights explained more than I ever understood as a 56-year-old man. Thank you.
I used to confront my narc mom and again with my cheater boyfriend it did not work with either of them.
They pretend to listen, ' sorry for the way it made you feel'
Never owning anything.
It’s always someone else’s fault! & the family also enables so badly that I have withdrawn myself from my mother n law .
Yeah withdrawing is the only thing you can do with these people. What’s the point anymore?
Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. 4 years no contact from so-called "friendship", and I am continually rediscovering who I am.
frenemies. Bravo! Same here
I also enjoy no contact with toxic friends. 😊
Thank you so much, Doctor Ramani, finally someone who validates what is going on in these abusive relationships. I got so much validation from you about what I was shouting from mountaintop about what was happening to me but no one would listen. thank you, thank you, thank you...
Such a good video as always. Where would we be without people like Dr.Ramani
I remember, at age 9, to have been quietly crying for a whole week of fall vacation. I think it was the week I subconsciously stopped trying with my mom.
Of course, no-one noticed my crying..
People that don't gaslight others , those are your people. I'm completely agree with that. Thank you so much Dr Ramani, blessings to everyone 🙏
Dr Ramani has been my guru for nearly a cpl years now. I wouldn't have healed so well without her guidance! Thank you ❤
I have been watching all your videos and interviews and i've never felt more understood. I'm still recovering from a 10year relationship with a narcissist even 5 years out. In one way, i'm much happier because I mostly have peace now (except when he decides to dox me on ocassion) but it has left me so damaged that I haven't been able to allow anyone else into my life and just constant self doubt that i'm able to make good choices. All I see are red flags now. I've ordered your book and am really looking foward to it. I sure do wish that there was a psychologist in central Florida who has the kind of experience that you do. I'm so tired of this still affecting my life after years.
the powerlessness part made me feel so validated but very sad. i did not make that connection before, with culture and the governing bodies but it is so so true sadly. especially here in eastern europe right now, if you are a young woman (who does not want to only give birth just to MAYBE get a better loan offer) and you are not some nepo baby or coming from upper class family, you are nothing and you will have nothing. I am 30 with good education, a relatively good job and i have NO HOPE of ever having a family, or having my own flat (not even dreaming of a house). and then on top of that you have debts from student loan, if you are mentally ill, there is no way of getting help without money, and the healthcare system feels like kills more people then it saves. invalidated by doctors, overlooked and hurt by every politician in power.
and after all of this, you get traumatized over and over again with cruel abusive relationships (because you have never seen a healthy one ever). i swear, if it wasnt for my doggos and cat im not sure i would be here
My spouse recently went to one session with a therapist who has been practicing for 25 years and the therapist told him they have only come across one narcissist in all their years of practice. Then they told my spouse that he isn't a narcissist. Funny because he fits the description of a narcissist and since learning about it his behavior now makes sense.
I wish I would have realized sooner I was married to a narcissist it would have explained so much and armed with better options. I also could have saved a lot of time and breath. Wish I would have kept a record as well.
Same here. The issue is that covert / fragile narcissism is not an officially recognized condition, so most therapists are not trained in it. They are only trained in grandiose narcissism which is an entirely different animal. So if you do manage to convince them that the person has issues, they will look at it as an anxiety disorder or something. Then the narcissist will turn that into an excuse, and the situation will be worse than when you started.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because even if the therapist diagnoses them as a covert narcissist they almost never will accept it or change. The core problem is that they cannot see themselves as bad, wrong or the problem. It’s not that they won’t, they can’t. They are delusional. They can only see themselves as one of three things. The hero / saint. The victim. The martyr. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what they did, they are justified good and right. And conversely, it doesn’t matter what you do, you are wrong, bad, worse than them. Because they need you to be in order to hang on to their delusional self image.
This does not change no matter what. There is nothing you can do. You can present them with proof and a thousand witnesses telling them, it won’t matter. They are how they are, they see things how they see them. It doesn’t change.
There’s obviously a reason he’s only come across one narcissist. Either because he is one, himself, or because he’s unskilled.
Confused= off balance= easy to manipulate.
It's very, very difficult knowing now for sure that my great suspicion of my marriage being toxic is indeed true. The difficult thing is at that now being age 66, I feel like I felt when I was 19 leaving my crazy upbringing. I had no clue what to do with my life. That's how I feel now, especially after having come to the place where my self worth has been terribly compromised. My days at home, off from work, are quite uncomfortable because of feeling my life has little meaning. I'm looking for the thing that some people say is - that the answer is really deep within and when I give it room, the answer will surface. I open my arms to receive the answer. May the light come on that my life has a purpose and is worthwhile. I hope healing and answers are coming to all of. Dr. Ramani, thank you for all you do.
I always end up thinking "am I a narcissist" maybe it IS me
Probably not. A good question to ask is who’s frame am I living in. Theirs or mine? Am I living the life I want or am I supporting the life they want? Whoever is getting what they want is the narc. Whoever is doing all the real work is the victim. Whoever has a life, hobbies, friends etc is the narc. Whoever doesn’t have time for that is the victim. Whoever can come and go without having to account for where they were and who they were with is the narc. Whoever needs to explain themselves is the victim.
If you worry that you are-you’re not
"The 'confusion element' of narcissistic abuse, is why the overall syndrome of narcissistic abuse, has been in the shadows for so long." - 12:12 min... 👍👍👍❤❤❤ I agree so much and I would add intimidation/rage causing fight/flight/freeze/fawn of paralyzing fear in victims... They are scary... no one, not even therapists want to risk the intimidation, threats, and safety issues... It is a scary world... Also, I think scared people might feel that having a scary narc on their side at any cost, will protect them from other scary narcs...Thank you so much!!!!! At least the world is honest now. When I was a kid, I was brought up to think the world was 'good'. Talk about 'confusing'. Now I know and can see all the 'evil' and I know it exists... That's clarifying and repairs my confusion... I see the world for what it is...
Living like a Gypsy the last ten years. I am use to waking up to where am I. That’s what I needed to hear the key word confusion. Ty!
Ich hoffe mit meiner ganzen gebrochenen Seele und aus tiefstem Herzen, dass diese Unmenschen irgendwann dafür bestraft werden, was sie anderen antun ohne jede Gnade. Körperliche Misshandlungen werden strafrechtlich verfolgt und der Missbrauch durch einen Narzissten ist mindestens genauso schlimm. Es braucht Gerechtigkeit...vor allem auch für Kinder! Niemand hilft und das ist das schlimmste daran. Gewalt bleibt Gewalt, egal ob physisch oder psychisch und gehört bestraft!
The entire country feels this way to me now...confusion! It's exhausting! My narcissist husband 's health is failing so it has become his entire focus...he's the one who retired and sat in his recliner for a year and now can hardly walk. He had back surgery and was told he needed another surgery but the surgeon he liked moved so he got mad, blamed him for moving, and never had more work done. Everything has become my job...feeling trapped is an understatement!!
💖 Hang in there. There’s little else you can do. I know how you feel. People not in the situation don’t understand how trapped we are. Just walking away is easier said than done, especially when you’re older. The price of walking away is often just too high. You want to strangle them, but apparently that’s frowned upon. 🙄 What I do that helps some is I try to be grateful that I’m still strong and not a train wreck like them, and I put some effort into taking care of myself to keep it that way. You’re better than him, and that’s why you have to take care of him. You’re strong, he’s weak.
Good luck.
I really like these long video compilations. Just left yet another toxic workplace and feel horrible. Really need to listen to drRamani’s voice.
@12:40 spot on! A world of confused people - revolving around emotionally self centered, afraid to fail adults and children.
Terrifyingly, nowadays children are trained to be emotionally fragile, self centered in home and school systems.
The unlimited screen time since toddler years desensitized the residues of natural kindness and empathy in young children.
We are actively producing a narcissistic society in a way humanity has never known before.
I agree...the confusion is so overwhelming before I understand what was goin on...I was enlightened only when I found out about narcissism from your channel Dr. Ramani...thank you for sharing ur knowledge to us for free.❤
Narcisstic people do not lie deliberately. They forget very easily and often has no contact with reality. But that makes it worse because they cannot se things as they are in the real world.
And sometimes they do lie deliberately for gas lighting e.t.c.
If they’re lying deliberately they’re also sociopathic.
I know plenty, if not all of them, who deliberately lie. I think you're wrong here. They deliberately lie to deceive.
My divorce from a decades long marriage to a narcissist--confusion, shame, guilt and powerlessness on steroids. If I thought the marriage was bad, man was I unprepared for post-separation abuse. Grateful to name the feelings and for the validation.
wow. the divorce and parental alienation is not something I would wish on anyone. Brutal. Glad you are healing.
You can't win....
There's no "normal" in it...🐬
Afraid. I felt afraid and had to do everything the “right” way, trying my best to avoid abuse. I learned that wasn’t possible. He was always up to something sinister. It was horrible. My father had to be (or at least feel like he was) in control and that often included of me and of the narrative he fed his friends and family about me. His gaslighting became so obvious and didn’t work, but even that was problematic in a way. He knew he was losing the control he once had over me, my emotions, and reactions. What worked when I was little didn’t work so easily once I learned about this- here. Thank you Dr. Ramani. From the outside it didn’t matter what I did. I was in no way who he told others I was, nor did I do what he claimed I did. I had one friend who knew him and what he was capable of, and I learned in this channel, I had to be very cautious. On the inside I couldn’t escape what I did/didn’t do mattering. Trying to avoid abuse every day becomes a full-time job. As bad as it was I know it would’ve been worse had I not found this channel 19 months ago. Still watching, still learning. Still working through the pain. I’ll never understand how a parent can subjugate, indoctrinate, gaslight, coercively control, and carefully create narratives that destroy our relationships, to protect their own image and ego. They’re dedicated to protecting their ego, do awful things to us, then tell others we’re the problem and might destroy our image in light of protecting theirs. Seems they do understand what they’re doing to us and they just don’t care.
Yesterday at the grocery store a guy said hi and asked if I'm single. Then he asked what I'm doing tonight. Then he asked if I wanted to come over to his place for drinks. He asked for my number. I said that I just got out of something difficult and am taking a breather. He said you don't want to give me your number? I said no sorry. He said it's ok. Then when I was walking to checkout... he was standing watching and asked again... you sure you don't want to give me your number. Then he said I can go ahead of him and I said thank you. The checkout was closed and then instead of moving over to another one... I walked back into the aisles and then did realize I forgot something. I don't think he was decent, asking me over to his place.
It was the coffee aisle where he came over and he was waiting near the checkouts when I was walking up too
Your intuition is right, trust what your gut is telling you 💖
After the refusal a decent guy probably would just go away or maybe offer to give you HIS number in hopes that you'll change your mind later. Not follow you around.
Red flags!
@@cb9825 , Yes, I agree that a guy in his position should just hand you his card, but maybe he didn't think of it. I'm old enough to remember when almost everyone kept "calling cards" in their wallet or handbag.😂
This is a perfect example of what it is like to work at a community college. Lots of gaslighting and insecure employees.
You would think this exists at employment but it does. Narcs are everywhere
@@dontbelongherefromanother You bet, lots of individuals with expensive degrees, but lack emotional intelligence and management skills. Go figure.
on the plus side with intense guilt, despite how much the narc calls YOU out on being "selfish," or whatever, probably means that you are NOT selfish, NOT the Narc and NOT a bad person, even if we can feel like we are sometimes. Because we all know the narcs don't feel ANY guilt or awareness of others' emotions at all. If you are in a state of guilt, know that you have empathy and if you can't make sense of why you feel so guilty, YOU are not the problem. No one is ever perfect, it is, or should be, OKAY to make mistakes and a lot of times the disconnect you feel is NOT just in your head. Thank you Dr. Ramani
It’s so hard to get rid of my narcissistic! We have a child & he uses her as a pawn to get back in the house . I have kicked him out numerous times& I have been done . He’s has a drinking problem that landed him in the hospital recently. I had to call 911 . I just want him out of my life ! I don’t know what to do anymore 😞🙄😵💫😩😭
Move and don't give him your new address.
Listen to "Should I Stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft & Jack Patrissi on Audible. It will run you through a series of questions & exercises to help you overcome the confusion & create a plan for yourself. Lundy Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusive, angry & controlling men across cultures for 30+ years.You're in a tough spot. Seems like the alcoholism must be addressed first. He's self medicating to deal with his problems because he doesn't have the skills he needs to navigate life & relationships in healthy ways. Tell him you want the best for him & your family & that his excessive drinking is causing a lot of problems & that he needs to go to AA to continue living at home. A Judge would agree in a custody hearing. Keep track of things. But listen to that book. It addresses everything from alcoholism, mental health problems, personality disorders, cheating,physical abuse, etc. Write it down for legal purposes. Praying for the best for each of you.
My mother didn't want me. I said it out loud to someone I trusted and got called a liar. That person hasn't spoken to me in half a year now. I have been informed they are going to be invited to Christmas with the extended fam. I'm going to have to be like, "I'm gonna sit this year out" and then everyone will descend on me like a swarm of bees demanding to know why I am shunning that person. Like I was the troublemaker all along. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that but I know I'm not going to just cave to keep the peace. This person tells me I made it all up and then disowns me and I'm going to be expected to be the one to "make peace" with them. No. I've done too much work healing to let someone who broke my trust that hard back in my life. This is the person who I stayed in the hell for. The person I gave up my childhood to raise. Whose diapers I changed when I was 5 years old. Who comiserated with me when our teens were a mess. The person I chose over and over to NOT run away and save myself for. I remember one time in my early teens, being beaten in the car in the driveway upon arriving home. Mom locked the door so I couldn't escape. Then they decided to take it inside and she took my shoes away, making me walk inside barefood over the sharp rocks, thinking that would stop me from running. That night after they were all asleep I sat in my bedroom (the attic with no insulation and no door) in the dark thinking how easy it would be to pack my backpack and leave, but knowing that I neither would nor could because I had to stay and protect my baby brother. Now he says he never saw me being abused or neglected so I obviously made it all up. I don't need this from him or from any of them. My kids don't need that. My amazing husband does not need to have to spend weeks or months fishing my battered soul out of the pit of self-doubt and self-blame that would come of conceeding the 40 years of battles I fought to be as whole and sane as I am today just to make nice for a holiday. I have wonderful in-laws we can spend the holiday with. If my brother wants to spit on everything I gave up so he could sit there and say he never saw anything bad so I am a liar, well, I can't unblind him. I guess that's God's job.
Does anyone else notice in a narcissistic family system everyone else is allowed to have their preferences in how they choose to live? It's one person who isn't "allowed" that one person has to accommodate others.
Yup. They all lay out boundaries, and you are expected to work around them. The sooner you develop an attitude and start saying no, and laying out some of your own boundaries the better. The longer it goes the harder it will be. They will make you feel guilty for doing it, tough it out. Be willing to be the bad guy. It’s not easy if you’re a good person at heart, but you have to do it. Good luck.
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Yup, my family was pissed because my daughter was participating in cultural things from my husband’s family that I comprised on. They said “what else are they going to do?” And that I can’t “think for myself”. Ironically me living my life exactly like them is me “thinking for myself” apparently. Does that even make sense??
I have a narststic mother. I paid for her telephone biles. Finally today I told her that she needs to pay hetself. She was so angry and hung up
They looove to demand respect do...And humility! At least one of my narcissistic siblings 😢 she gaslight me heavily with that, without respecting me of course and the result was massive. My self-esteem inexistent, self doubt through the clouds and confused AF. Atrocious.
G'day Dr Ramani, thanks for sharing.🐨
Dr. Ramani. I find myself going between losing my car to just have peace.
Keep my car (gives me money) = constant wanting me to follow him around, to places with him and demands responses.
Loose my car (no money) = complete silence and no demands.
This is just crazy!
We like to talk about the problem but never about the solution, and that's the problem
well said
A person with a "personality disorder" has learned, whether consciously or not to manage shame and fear inside them by lying, the creation of the persona, which is made up of lies, and which in their head is for avoiding fear and toxic shame, and to them means living, or not. If your life depended on maintaining a lie, of who you are (a good person, a skilled person, etc and not like your own abusers), mainly to avoid your own inner state, its going to be your biggest goal, and you would be very very good at lying, which for honest healthy people is very challenging to believe. Believe it.
Spot on. Today another light switched on. You retold exactly what it's like. I may have effects mentioned but the moment I left was the happiest moment. I'm still pissed off its taken me this long to begin to create my free and healing. Realising it but the relief, the utter relief no longer in contact, the end to me suddenly unconsciously holding my breath awaking with that gasp, freaking a hypnotist out mid hypnosis, in everything I did. Now months later I've stopped holding my breath, breathing low, trully feeling peace in the moment. Shinning more resilient, stronger, confident & loving myself. Thank you Dr.
Im ok to be angry over my family, and after 10 years of searching for the right therapy I finally get EMDR.
I also get help to get my house in order and make me throw out stuff, as I have problems with throwing things away. !(im not a horder!!!!) it’s just a mess and need help to sort it all out, manage how to get it all in order. = when my(npd) mother died and my sister vanished with the enhancement I lost it totaly. Than I finally recognized their pattern, and Dr Ramani gave me the insight… so good but soooo painfull when you find out that your mother is mentally not ok to raze a little human -that also lives once!
I used to be open with how my abusive family was, but not any more because people see me as less than and are more likely to misuse me eg patronising and controlling.
Also, some exes i shared with told me their families were good - but when i met them or heard more, it was super obvious emotional abuse etc was extreme!
I also don't share as people can feel shocked and traumatised just hearing any of it.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I really needed this video, I'm an unemployed 45 yearl old woman struggling to find a job and I'm currently depending on my 83 year old narcisistic mother for money, it's not only a humiliating situation, but she's making it worse by calling me useless and shaming me because I'm having a hard time finding work, the woman is a snake.(sorry if I made any English mistakes)
I find hard to get away bc of my loyalty to my partner.
38 yes with the narcissist. 2 years out, still finding myself and trying not to gaslight myself.❤
4th, 4 July 2024
Still and I finally got one foot out the door..but he ain’t giving up the ankle..
Dr. Ramani, please do a video on narcissists and fireworks. These people have been popping them for hours, and it's now midnight. I can't help but think only a narc would do this for so long without caring about any neighbors, homes, or animals nearby. I hope the hummingbirds still come back to my yard after all of this. The smoke is horrible.
Yea…. Its become a response. When things get hard i get disoriented and confused and my solution is to go back to square one to figure it out but this feeds my hyper vigilance and it can take an hour to get unconfused. 😔
Thank you so much, very grateful for your guidance and deep diving into these issues. I didn’t realize I was keeping these issues all alive for them, not true living or freedom for myself. It’s totally possible!
Doc, you've help me realize that I need to choose to NOT be in an abusive relationship. Yes, financials are a deterrent. Yes, the 50 years of stuff in my garage (tools, etc.) is a deterrent. You, the shrink, have convinced me that the stuff is not worth the abuse. I'm to the point where I can walk away and leave all the stuff for the next "victim" to "enjoy".
First off , thank you, Dr. Ramani...5 mins into this video, i felt an ache to my soul , i gaslight myself....having realized this , I can now work on changing / stopping the behavior.
Powerlessness is a belief - thoughts, not a feeling. We think - (believe)we are powerless and feelings tell us that's untrue, feelings are a useful warning system. PD people believe they are completely powerless and use dominance (fear) to try to control that feeling, in themselves, via you and a bunch of other "tools, don't be a tool. :) Thanks Dr. Ramani, when I understood thoughts v feelings it really helped me grow and heal that using that understanding.
Guilt for being the truth teller! Especially in front of the people outside of the family environment
Dr Ramani i am blown away by your knowledge, insight instruction and invaluable understanding of both the narcissist and the victim. Thank you for your work and dedication. You make every difference :)
By listening to you I have been able to understand I have spent 30 years of my life living with a narcissist. He let me go so I took advantage and left my house. I have been able to manage the situation to my favor. It took a lot of time and courage, but I understand now the game.
I got to the point where my covert narc lied so much that I started to record our conversations as he lied and denied so much - I now have the proof and the extent of his lies. This was all prior to actually knowing what narcissism is and now that I know he's definitely a covert narc - now just listening to these recordings over the past 2 years I finally realize the total extent of his abuse and lies, smear campaign, etc etc. I can't believe that I have lived in this marriage for so long dealing with this abuse - actually makes me sick when listening to these recordings - the proof beyond doubt is there and the proof of his lying is in all the messaging to the other women, his x wife and even the smear campaign he was doing at church with the pastor......
My mom told me to call her everyday when I went away to college. She guilt tripped me into making me feel bad for abandoning her and my family.
I talk and think of the “shame” as the narcissist’s story, that affected me.
I've had over 60 yrs of this since childhood. It has taken me awhile. This video has made sense to me. I will watch again. Thank you!
My attorney divorced her own narcissistic husband. She was great.
*it's their story, and you're stuck in it.
Sums my marriage up perfectly.
Oh! My! Gosh! Your mom example is an exact thing that happened to me and all hell broke lose!
Over Guilted for normal emotions and feelings, desires and needs= the set up for feeling perpetually at fault and made to carry a burden to fix the unfixable.
Very hard to set boundaries in that mind screw. And when you start or at leasy when i did. I often felt guilty then and thinking i was being aggressive ❤💔 sometimes true but even then the aggression had a true fear and reason. And it wasnt as if i was cursing them or cutting them down and to peices even if i could take it back a notch to not being so like bam.❤
GOD bless u Dr. Ramani, I will never get tired of telling u how much u have helped me. Thank uuuuuuu 🕊🙏💖💖💖💖🤗🫶
This vid help me with some complex trauma the trail back to my childhood. Thank you so much these videos got me out of a narcissistic relationship that was the most extreme experience levels that doctor Romney talks about!! Everything she said in all of these videos is the kind of person that I was with to the max level. But I was able to break free with your guys's love and support😂 I was able to see the patterns I was able to put the narcissistic puzzle together stand back and look at it !!!!
This is not what I signed up for.... I had good intentions when entering the relationship for a happy life with a partner but that's not what I ended up with. A nightmare of a fake reality in every debilitating thing that a human could do to another person was inflicted on me physical mental emotional sexual financial abuse .
I was able to climb out of this situation by listening to these videos right after leaving the relationship so I can understand what experience I was going through... Thank you again you saved my life ! ❤and always respect.
I’m loving ❤healing and shedding the low vibrational ❤️🙏😁
Interesting. I have noticed that I now have a habit of saying my truth aloud, to myself. I have to check myself because I don't want the vulnerable narcissist in my life to hear me. 😬
As true as this is, it hurts more than death.
I remember at 4, how weird my new stepmom acted. Her lack of boundaries need to control everything scared me and I felt so alone. She seemed to be targeting my sense of self, my well-being. I couldn’t talk to ANYONE about it because she had everyone fooled. She convinced me I was a troubled child.
Me: Hmm, this doesn't really happen to me.
Also me: Wait, it's Thursday?!
Its october 17th oh makes sense im having anxiety
Its november 5th-7th got a new phone he set up after throwing my phone after threatening my parent me physically harm if i came back home and he had a party and had the girl he cheated on me over and i found out.
Oh its december... ptsd is a bia but gets better more when we can see it and understand it too. The pattern at its worst happened always around same time. But we can let it fade by awareness
And yea. Its thursday 😂❤💔
Is guilt related to not knowing your likes any longer, like you have no right to your separate likes?
It can be as simple as realizing you have a favorite flavor that is different than those in the 'household'.
I think U2's song "One" is about narcissism
🤔 Maybe you’re right. About a guy falling back in with the narc. Being willing to set the past aside, “it’s too late, tonight, to drag the past out into the light.” In order to get that “one need, in the night.” Met. I’ve done that a thousand times myself. 😂 The poor fool! Right back into the trap. Thanks for sharing bro. I’ll have to go back and listen with this in mind.
`i am so stuck and hurt , insecure in my relationship.
and have no support system at all.
my step father is so cruel and has evicted me from the house I was to inherit , and has taken money form me , has plenty of money himself, and is separating me form my kids, however grown, they are still the only happiness I have, and he does not give a shit. now the silent treatment for years. after so many lies. I'm hopeless
Self-gaslighting= Trama bond...
I think everybody should get a therapy before they get into a relationship so they don’t bring the baggage.
My instinct says he lie and yet he’s the one saying I’m who’s cheating and giving him time I’m tired and he’s married and living still in he’s wife
Um, you’re expecting him to leave a secure situation for the woman he’s cheating with?
Even if he does… do you think he won’t find another side chick?
Here’s an idea: don’t date married men.
You're not in a committed relationship, he's already married. He's using the cheating accusations to keep you on the hook and divert your attention away from the fact that he's a cheating slimeball and you're probably one side chick of several. Start respecting yourself more and improve your morals, go find an available man.
@@appaloosa42 he’s invested and helping me like the first project we did we buy a land in my place ..but the things is he’s wife told me when we’re together he will do same thing he do to her.I feel sad we don’t talk for 3 weeks already I feel good no stress but in the other side I felt guilty for how do I give him back he invested too.?when everytime I talk about money that I will send it all back to him he will block me every where
@@lynnebucher6537 and if you don’t find one… thats ok too, you are in goid company. Many women spent decades after WW2 alone.
They destroy your self worth.
I feel guilty for being at peace, sometimes.
Happy 4rth of July 🎆
🇺🇲🎆
He always chooses and he ruin he’s marriage for me so now I don’t know what to do
Dump him. He's a cheater, he'll cheat on you too.
And it’s kind of my fault as he said he do everything for me
It not your fault. But you know better now.