HOW TO HEAL EMOTIONAL LONELINESS: CPTSD AND ISOLATING. | DR. KIM SAGE
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- Опубликовано: 24 май 2023
- This video explores and explains how experiencing emotional loneliness in CPTSD can lead to using isolation, and what to do if you'd like to modify or reduce your emotional loneliness and isolating tendencies.
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What was at first loneliness, became peace.
Peace definitely, but i was forced to choose being alone to find that peace
Definitely peace
In the words of a famous philosopher: Other people are HELL. I only feel free and peaceful when I am by myself.
Ditto.
Totally understand this, peace is beautiful and is helping me come to terms with my inner trauma..God bless everyone who is struggling childhood trauma xx
Dang as I read these comments I feel like a lot of us would vibe and be friends 😂 if only we were social enough to run into each other!
Me too. I read a comment and say 006 to be my really good friend if I didn't isolate. Lol
I isolate because i feel safe in my room. Just like when i was a kid.
I have a whole house to myself, but my bedroom is my safe place.
Yep, the violent, aggressive, JEALOUS, rejecting, selfish ppl & siblings in my early home were simply UNBEARABLE so I'd go off by my sad, hurt & lonely self to be SAFE & sometimes do or be what I preferred without bowing to my abusive older brother's preferences.
Maturation became a major element ln my desire to ISOLATE!!! 😮😮😮
I was same, going under my bed when I could, I was making touchdowns, winning in track, etc. Yet I was lonely, my parents were busy,after a lot of school expulsions, I forced in military,where I excelled in the shit which I was lucky to get, I got thruand got , H, 3girls on my own 7grans later, 4 marriages. Alone is me
I have been feeling empty depressed and lonely and feel like I have no support
🍄🍄🍄
Me too… and I’ve tried so hard to establish it for myself
Same.
I totally feel ya. I’m sorry, it sucks to feel this way :(
I so understand this feeling, it’s been with me all my life. I tried to join in groups but for some reason I seem to be invisible to people.
Loneliness is not a lack of company. It's a lack of connection 😔
As adults we can reconnect, with our inner child and ultimately with ourselves ❤
Well Said!
I have been isolating a lot lately. I get very overwhelmed in crowded spaces. I will often have anxiety attacks and retreat to my car to calm down. I don't like being in public. The company of one or two other people is fine, but no more than that. This video helps me understand my behaviors. Thank you for educating all of us.
I heard that people of your description are true Empaths.
You may have psychic abilities you're unaware of.
I wonder if you have checked out if you are a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? Dr Elaine Aton wrote a few books about it. Also you could be an introvert. I am an INFJ personality type and a HSP. Society is quick to judge and label people but nothing is wrong with you. It took me a long time to learn that and to accept myself as I am. I'm still working on it. All the best.
My problem is I love being alone in my flat with my cat so much that being out in the world and having to deal with humans and new interactions terrifies me!! I actually loved lock down!! I could easily live like that for the rest of my life! I never feel lonely!
I have been a licensed psychologist for decades and I have never heard these concepts explained so astutely. What a talent you have for helping others!
Nervous system could never relax. Yep.
When I watch CPTSD videos that list off childhood "trauma" events I realize that I really did get traumatized in a big way and not in some hypersensitive way where I just wasn't getting some deep intimate need met.
yes❤❤❤❤
Yes, exactly ❤
Now i understand myself
Wow. I could walk through the door and get nothing but a look of contempt from my mother. Everything in that house revolved around her, her mood, her rages, her abuse. We were often not allowed to leave the yard or make friends. I was a thing. Waiting in my room until the borderline needed me for whatever her need was. Including to abuse. I believe I've been alone all my life. I may not have been good enough for them. If they only knew what I really think of them now.
I completely understand.
I also completely understand.
We had the same kind of life. My older sister bullied and would manipulate cousins and her friends to join in. I isolation was a safety thing.
Me too. She’s on her deathbed. I haven’t seen her for more than 20 years and I’m not going to spoil whatever peace I have now by attending the last rites or funeral of a child abuser. God bless you abundantly 💟✝️💟
Sorry you went through that.
I feel incredibly seen in this video. I’m 35 and have never been able to pin down what was wrong with me. I’ve always felt off and different from everyone else, like I’m a defect. But Dr Sage described it perfectly: my nervous system is overactive, always in fight or flight. I become so dysregulated around people. A simple interaction like “hi how are you” will cause my brain to shortcircuit and I lose track of what I’m doing. Being around others makes me feel like I constantly have to watch my back and watch other people’s reactions and behaviour to make sure everyone is feeling ok and that I’m not being judged. I become scatterbrained, stressed, frazzled. It’s social anxiety for sure, but it’s also linked to my dad who was highly narcissistic. He was scary, angry, unpredictable. One day he could be so pleasant, but something I say might change his mood entirely. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. An incident that would cause him to rage one day would cease to be an issue on another day when he’s in a good mood. I find it hard to trust others. I feel like I need to be in high alert all the time and to put my best face forward and impress and say the right things and be charming and basically a perfect specimen. The only way I know how to soothe myself is to be alone. Only when I’m alone do I feel at peace. But it’s a lonely existence. No emotional support when going through rough times. I separated from my long-term common law partner, who was my only friend and form of support, and I had nobody to help me, nobody to comfort me and to tell me everything’s gonna be all right. No words of encouragement, no love. It was so difficult. I had to be my own support. It’s awful to not have anyone.
37 and I feel you. Always feeling different, on edge around people… like I was growing up. Never feeling understood or accepted. And I mean my mom remarried and she and my step dad tried but something was just off growing up. It hurts when I visit them, the pain is the worst when I get home and reflect, like an emotional hangover that lasts for days.
I feel the same
Relating so much x
I can so relate to what you have described. Thankfully I have Jesus in my life
Interesting...I am so messed up, I can't even figure out what I'm messed up about.
I have found myself isolated because I've lost SO many people in my life due to Death, mistrust, or disconnection. At 54 I find myself ALONE a lot! No children due to childhood trauma and decided as a younger person I didn't want to bring any children into the family I grew up with.
Just blown away at how my life has turned out to be.
I was labeled the perfect child. 😢 I have complex PTSD from sexual abuse. We had no rules and no boundaries growing up. Also we were not hugged or told I love you. Very neglected
Same experience. Even though I was such a high achieving never getting in trouble type good girl, I am a fucking mess as an adult. Suicide attempts, hospitalistions, so much therapy and drugs. Nothing helps. I still take care of my mother. Never really had a life like a typical adult. I'm mostly miserable and want a way out.
@@Crysta1986 Leave Mom behind.
@@Crysta1986you owe her nothing. Stop taking care of her and take care of yourself
I am 68 and only three months ago I was diagnosed with emotional neglect and high functioning depression/ dysthymia.....
Now I understand the why's of unsuccessful relationships in work and love, always feeling drained and the way people reacted to me.
Me too.
me too, i’m 65 and suddenly my sister and i are discussing our unhappy childhood
I tend to always feel drained too with conversations. Or no one talks to me at all or asks any good questions. I've been diagnosed with Dysthymia twice and believe I've suffered with this most of my life...I'm over 50.
I have been isolating almost since covid19 started....I never wanted anyone to get ill or die but I was actually relieved...it felt like I had the "permission" to be alone. But I also know that having isolated for so long...it is almost becoming truly problematic...I used to have cleaning almost OCD, hygiene OCD, now I rarely clean and shower every few days...I never thought it would come to this. I have been treated for C-PTSD for over 25 years then my long term Dr retired and I don’t ever want to be that close to anyone.....it's so strange I'm both lonely but afraid to be around anyone.
I have definitely felt the long term effects of the pandemic in the way I live my life. I stay in a lot more still, and when I read bad news, I don't want to go out...same as you, lonely but don't want to be around people either...family gatherings are the worst. I am wondering if most people on here have patient & understanding families or do they insist on obligations?
Oh my goodness ‘ same . So sorry
@rachelr8837 my parents are both deceased now but when they were alive and I was only in the middle of therapy...they just ignored any of my suffering and I just went along taking care of everyone and everything. I'm grateful that I no longer do that!!!❤️
@@Deedra_ ❤️
For all who have experienced this type of childhood, and didn’t realize how messed up it was until after you had children, just be glad you found out about this before you had kids. We only can give to kids what makes sense in our state of emotions and mind and there’s a lot to learn before you have children, if you were raised in dysfunction. I relate to the person who said she didn’t start adolescence until 30. I think I did the same thing only I didn’t start until my parents passed away and I got divorced at 49 and that was when I felt like I was in adolescence. My life actually came crumbling down, went back to school etc. It’s been rough for all.
Right, I feel like I’m just becoming an adult at 40 because it took me this long … and having my own kids … to finally see my family for who they are and leave my abusive relationship with my kids father to protect them. I wouldn’t have made the changes and growth for myself but I did it for them so they can have better. I’m so far behind though and I’m isolating until I feel like “a real adult” - the time trauma steals from us … whew! Thank you for your words.
Whoa “not being seen for who you are” really hit hard. Whenever I’m sad or not “perfectly fine” my emotions were treated like an annoyance or a weakness or “just in my head” so not valid or real.
During the pandemic I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts and I managed to claw my way out and my moms response was “wow you’re so strong” and “your my idol”. I felt so alone and it hurt.
Thank you for this 🙏🏽
Oh gosh that hit hard. My dad used to tell me, “You’re my rock,” and it made me physically sick to hear. Like wtf! Reminds me of that esurance commercial, ‘That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works.’
It’s crazy to see other families, healthy families. Where it’s save to say that you are not a fan of something.
When I tried to challenge my mother I was beaten, then when I dared to cry, I was immediately beaten because I was crying. Her message was: be the way I want you to be, there is no space for your you-ness.
Now I feel cut off, because I don’t know how to really relate and act upon that, because I am deep down afraid what might happen, if I break a unwritten social norm. Even though I am trying to feel save and grounded, it feels like everything is so distant and fast paced. Life goes by so fast and it’s secrets stay secret.
Thank you. For me people are dangerous. I struggle for authenticity and quickly judge people who are using strategies to avoid talking about anything except what is superficial to me. I don't trust people and I stay safe by being exactly what I dislike in so many others. I guess having used all the tactics myself I have a radar to spot the same in others. Its a mess.
I know what you mean
Agreed. Most people are a waste of space - avoiding them is wise.not a loss at all
That’s some deep insight, and I relate so very much. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you healing and connection.
Good honesty there
Powerful
I feel happiest alone. I feel being around people exhausting and draining.
Agreed. People suck.
I've been isolating a lot for the better part of a year. It's honestly saved my life because I had to cut out toxic people and reevaluate my life, boundaries, and relationships. I do see and talk to some people besides my husband and cats, but it's very selective and I have far fewer expectations for others to validate and empathize with me, than I used to. I'm focused on shining for Jesus and helping who I can as I'm able, and working at my goals quietly. My BPD keeps going into longer remissions, so I know I'm healing and growing.
Thank you so much for the wonderful tips, I love your videos!
My mother did all of this to me as a child and into my early adult years. Dad tried hard to counteract any ill effects when he was alive, but most of my time was spent in mother's company. To deal with soul pain I isolate and work overnight hours.
Great that your dad at least tried to support you. It means a lot
I remember crying about feeling like my mom didn’t accept me for who I am (I had acne which she hated and always tried to fix). She told me to stop crying and yelled at me. I walked on eggshells around my dad who blew up at the slightest issue. I remember spilling milk and he yelled and I ran to my room. I realized I had a very troubled child. No wonder I grew up very lonely and mute and now struggling as an adult. I was also sexually abused by another child (another neighbor) as a child; I wonder why my parents never realized it…
I’m 46 years old, never committed to having children of my own or to a long term relationship… just listening to this 16 minute video gives me an understanding of my whole life and why I am the way I am.
Same ❤️
I see you friend, and feel the same pain. We can recover and live with this BS xo
Ditto
Same here and what’s worse is nosy people asking why I never got married or had any kids… that’s a personal question but it doesn’t stop people!!!
Same as you 🤷♂️
This video spoke more to me than anything in my life. I'm crying. Thank you for what you are doing. I grew up without food, living out of hotels being sa by my mother's boyfriend. I isolate and just don't want to change. Nobody is worth it. I have my animals and have a happy life without the noise.
I understand .. same I don’t wNt to change - nobody’s worth it - I isolate I feel I love who I am .. I like me , I have my pets there my life / love❤ I don’t feel safe with friends no one is a true friend .. it’s never worth ur time
I'm crying too
@@joansmith6844 I disagree.
Sometimes it is worth it.
@@ginarenee1625 🙏🏻💕 not everyone has had good experiences I’m happy for you 🙏🏻💕
@@joansmith6844 lots and lots of bad ones also. It’s just I am an extrovert and like a moth to a flame.
For me, I’m forced to figure out how to find these good people to have in my life again.
I am isolating more and more. My oldest child died 19 months ago and everyone deserted me after a few weeks. I tried really hard to understand that they just don't know what to do and I kept doing my best to interact and engage. My childhood was so traumatic and then life has been hard and added a lot of trauma. Losing my child and then being deserted by everyone has proved to just be too much. I am lost and just can't deal with it anymore. Will watch this video and hope for insight.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you love ❤. There are many people out there who do know how to connect and support and they will find you....xx
Me too. I am so sorry for your hard times. You are a light in this world. Thank you for sharing.
So sorry for your painful loss. Are there local bereavement groups that you can join? You’re right that most people don’t handle bereaved people well because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Take good care of yourself. If there is a 24 hour crisis centre in your area you can also call just to vent, I know this because I volunteered for many years in a crisis centre and offered an ear to bereaved and lonely people.
Sending you love and light!
So sorry for your loss
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my oldest nephew last year, he was only 22 and died 10 days before Christmas. I had been isolating before he passed but still doing my best to keep in touch with friends and family but losing my nephew was too much. I avoid people even more now. I just feel like life just keeps beating me down.
Yes, I was viewed as a burden 👍 My Father insulted, mocked and verbally abused me and refused to provide for my brother and I. My Mother shamed and guilted me and completely invalidated on many levels. She was envious in many way. Beyond neglect, I was abused.
(It took decades for me to use the "A" word.)
So familiar. I’m sorry 💔
Describes my childhood. Do I don't know what the a word a word means
Thank you so much for this video. I have struggled with the effects of emotional neglect my whole life and always have felt "wrong" or "over-sensitive" when pondering it. Your nuanced explanation is very helpful. Also, I now understand better my isolation and my mixed feelings about it. Thanks again.
This resonates so much, especially experiencing the shift in tolerance and dynamics.🙏 I have intentionally set my life up since the pandemic in quite an isolated way, working and studying from home. But its so true that we have to take action and 'do' to make connections and changes. Yesterday I took a day off, drove out to the coast and walked in the sunshine for hours. I saw so many people along the way to say hello to, I felt so happy to have connected afterwards. It was such a great reminder to also get out there and keep a good balance ❤
“Setting up your life as if you do matter” wow yea
Needed this because I am attempting to start doing a bit of self-care and improvement. I was definitely feeling this today and it helped! Just like all your other videos help as well. Thank you ❤❤❤ I feel like you are the support I need when I am confused and stuck!
So glad it helped and sending love and support today on your self care focus!💗
Amazing content as always. All of this was terrible for my career, I always end up quitting jobs or gym or any place because I felt like people were picking on me. When I was bullyied at school, people told me I was too sensitive, even though I kept being harassed by those kids for 11 years. My parents had put so many conditions for me to be a "golden child" that I had my real adolescence at age 31, when I finally could be independent (got divorced and came out as a lesbian). I only felt secure to do anything if my parents approved it, or else they would give me silent treatment.
i identify with this so much. it pains me that someone would have to go through such a similar experience of something so terrible. im sending so much love to you right now, and thank you for commenting this ❤❤❤❤
@@alyssapatricia you are so sweet! Thank you. We will overcome this and live an amazing life without traumas 💛
Pete Walker's book on CPTSD explains this & offers great practices to stop hating & resenting people, holding grudges & maintaining a castout persona.
Don’t quit the gym the gym is one of the best for self improvement and mental health. It’s my idea of an adult disneyland
@@arqana86 ❤️❤️ yes
I love being myself. There's nothing more relaxing than alone time. I also need people, too. Finding a special person to connect with is difficult for me.
Yes, me too Chris. I hear you.
Yes! Less people, less problems ☺️
I’m terrible at small talk & I’m able to spot a fake person a mile away so it’s often easier to be at peace by myself.
@@Mollyfromcanada we come alone , we go alone. Meanwhile, enjoy being alone. 🥰
I have isolated my entire life and it wasn't until a few years ago that I realised that it is wrong and not good for me. Problem is that since I have isolated my entire life I have no ppl in my life so I'm still isolated. Since I grew up with trauma have no clue on how to connect with ppl.
Yep
This is excellent. Totally describes how I've lived my life. Isolation feels safe and normal and I feel most myself and comfortable when I am alone. However, I have no family of my own, no friends, very lonely and unhappy, now having a lot of health problems. My childhood was not safe. Raised by two narcissists, one who was emotionally and physically abusive and one who allowed it, the latter, my mom I am now "forced" to take care of in her old age and I am constantly enraged and triggered as she is in my small house with me. Do you offer online counselling. I feel like you would be a good fit for me. I have such a hard time finding a counselor who gets it. Thank you for this video. I have subscribed and will be checking out more videos. It's rough, isn't it? Thanks for understanding. Love your quiet, kind demeanor, too.
No. She says her schedule is full. I found an organization that is group counseling and the counselors are awesome.. I only pay $10 a session
@@kathysue9890 cool. do you mind sharing the name of the group you found help from?
i lived so many of these levels , still isolating in my 50's . pretty much a shut in going out only a couple times a week. it is dibilitating I went out out to the store with my wife sent into a full blown anxiety attack going to try to take these steps
I’m struggling so much with this, after being with narcissistic partners and a terrible abusive old Work environment, it wasn’t until this last relationship that I understood that something happened in my childhood that was very similar to the dynamics or would leave me vulnerable to it. I want to go out but I’m scared of being around certain types of cold feeling people now or accidentally coming across them if I do try and do some sort of activity. I know I deserve kindness and love but my inner child doesn’t believe people will do this and that I am a burden/unloveable. It’s a huge barrier and I understand its ingrained beliefs. I wish I could get some thorough help with it. I’ve had so many negative experiences and it’s scarred me
When I was a child, I’d shut myself in my small bedroom alone and that’s where I felt safest. To this day I feel safest alone with my cats, but I get lonely. I only see my family like 2-3 times a year. And when I come back home after visiting them I feel completely drained. It’s like they’ll never get me. It makes me not want to see them but then again I don’t want to be totally isolated, and although they’re not perfect I know they still love and care about me. But all the old trauma wounds are reopened when I visit them and it hurts so bad.
As a child, I was dealing with my mothers abusive relationships. I began to be independent at a very early age. And now, as a result, I just want to be alone.
I am a holistic practitioner and healer. ❤
Wow! So me and stuck in a pattern, no idea how to change it. Always been alone, have noone else in my life, no close friends, no siblings, only one child busy in his life. Feel I have no connection and it's heartbreaking. Feeling punished...why else would this be my life. It really hurts. Thank you for the info
Same here, just my dogs and me. I had to walk away from what family i had due to a lifetime of unspeakable abuse.
@jcc6789 I very much understand that, very sorry, sad we had to choose between a family who ab used us or to protect ourselves and be alone. Noone should have to be alone and feel unloved after being so hurt in childhood and some of us further abuse into teen/early adult. Having a tendency to only attract broken people makes you scared to even look or hope anymore because we fought so hard just to save ourselves...
Best first step….. do something you really like, every day!
solitary confinement is torture after all...
My history is predominantly comprised of victimizing myself or being unwittingly victimized by others whenever I formed connections with others in my younger years. Aside from my daughter, I now keep regular company with only one neighbour/friend. However, I honestly find the closest thing to contentment only while in my own company. I never get bored. When I experience depressed emotions, I tend to dissociate in my bedroom…sometimes for days on end. This has been my day-to-day since 2012, with my isolation progressively increasing since then. I know what I’m doing but I just can’t stop doing it, as the adage goes.
I really relate to you ...
When I walk through my door, I feel a tremendous amount of relief. It is my safe place. I don't like going out. I want a fuller life and more friends, but don't know how.
You are right isolation was my lifesaver. I'm on a restrictive Diet for 6 mon lost 38 lbs. (My dad used to beg me to do that) but now I'm too tired to go outside and exercise. Each time I go outside I get short of breath and burning lungs (I know anxiety) hve doctor appt tom. Each point you made resonates with me. My parents are gone but siblings are toxic. Thank u for insights I miss my therapist from work. You don't get that when u retire.
I usually find something in your posts that really connects with my life experiences. This one covers so much of what is happening now at middle age. It is a lot of work to go against the urge to isolate after this being my number1 go to behavior. I will rewatch this a few times to get the most out of it. Thank you.
While I always feel like your videos have a great deal of value, this one hit hard with me. I feel like I am not alone when I watch your videos. They help me figure out what areas I need to focus on in my life. Thank you for consistently providing gentle and priceless direction!
I am feeling that right now that I just want to disappear and hide from everyone
Has anyone else felt that because of these types of upbringing, and feeling alone, isolate to self medicate etc. you don’t have a RIGHT to say ‘nothing was wrong’ growing up? There was no dysfunction? You weren’t ‘abused’ ? It’s taken me a couple of years of therapy, to even acknowledge that I was emotionally abused through emotional neglect. I feel as though I raised myself emotionally. What are your thoughts?❤
Yes of course. My parents were”great”. There wasn’t violence or drinking, financially we were stable. They never gave a fuck about me and my brother Jeff, but I think they lavished some on the other three.
Oh hell no ice scream it from the rooftop
EVERYTHING you described, describes my childhood to a T, every single thing. 😯 Its no wonder I was later diagnosed as schizophrenic, I know all about loneliness and I find my self isolating all the time, its actually one of the negative symptoms, which I suffer more from as I get older, I am neglecting personal hygiene, I am socially withdrawn, have a diminished affective response, lack of interest, poor social drive, and decreased sense of purpose and a lack of interest in goals, on top of all this I am lonely and isolated, I am high functioning and work part-time, but even this is becoming a chore and something I dread.
Yes, yes and yes! I identify with everything you have written. Very lonely and prefer to isolate. I think the more I isolate and stay lonely, the more paranoid I become. I will be 74 soon. I am searching for that happier, contented self that used to be present more. I do not have friends, really. I am slowly working towards more social interaction, but not easy. I hope your journey provides inner peace and acceptance.
@@lucycburton-johnson5757 I hope your path finds you peace and love, I think we have to force ourselves to let others in, its the only way to break this cycle, I too am on a journey to find contentment and to be more present and attentive to others.
Thank God some one who knows and understands what my life has been and still is all about... I will be 71 in 2 days and I have never felt so lonely in my life.. Thank you for the tips...
Same here. Blessings for you!❤
I isolated myself after my last divorce. I tried dating and it was ridiculous, so I quit and just stay home, basically since 2010 or so. I don’t go out unless I must. No friends. I wish I could have a happier life. My childhood was abusive. Abandoned by parents and raised by my grandparents. My pa was mentally ill.
If it makes you feel better, you're missing nothing as far as dating goes. I've given up. Enjoy the peace. ❤
I relate to this, I was in care from age 3 to 11, I have a lot of friends but nobody quite gets me and at age 46, I haven't had a romantic relationship since I was 18, the heartbreak was too much to try again, but I feel I need someone to lean on sometimes. 😔
Yep, no emotional connection makes life very touchy indeed. I prefer being alone at this point.
Wow Dr Kim I am just realising ow much of a damaged person I am how much of my childhood wounds I have inflicted on my ow children I remember as child being told that having friends was not good people can't be trusted never really learnt real social skills it's hard to trust my partner can't understand this I tend to attract not the best kind of people I spend most of my time isolated Great topic
Whenever I would try to talk to my father about something I was enjoying or found interesting it always seemed like he was waiting for me to stop talking. But when he had something to say you better believe he expected your full undivided attention.
I grew up in a home that fit many of your descriptions. I think it is very hard to even know what we feel after living with that kind of suppression. Responses can become habituated to the point were we don't know we are running on emotional autopilot. Recently I had a dream about the house I spent my life in from junior high through college. My parents built it. A slave era sugar mill had once occupied the property and the area was called Devils Swamp. Perfect setting for a haunting right?? Well, one night in my college years,I did encounter an auditory ghost while home alone. I know I wasn't crazy because I let the dog in and she went right up to my room where it had occurred and stood staring at something, turning her head from one side to the other as if trying to figure out what she was experiencing. There is more to that story, but somehow I managed to control my terror and go back to my room and sleep after my sister came home. That is the level of emotional suppression/control I could muster at 21. I didn't even think to call my boyfriend. I automatically accepted I had to face it alone. In the recent dream I was back in that house. The dream was in black and white and I was standing in a dark sketch-like rendering of our den looking at the short hallway leading to the back door. The house felt dark, oppressive almost like a fire had taken place there and I standing terrified in the ruins. A figure I knew was my mother was running for the back door in a pink night gown. She was abandoning me to deal with the evil place. I was feeling what I should have felt 50 years ago. Why that feeling wanted to come back now is a mystery.
Wow, I could listen to you all day! I came from a family of ten children, there was always three in a bed. My parents we’re good people, we were well fed and clothed. My mother sowed most of our clothes,she also worked at the hospital in our small town, she was an R.N. But my dad was a tall man, and I was always a little afraid of him, he wasn’t mean to us, but he used to beat up mom when they fought, Whitehall was a lot . I never had a close relationship to my mom. I was basically raised by my sister, who was a year and half older then me, she was bright and pretty, I was slow, and labeled dumb, so pretty well forgotten, I remember wondering once if I didn’t come home if my parents would miss me,anyway, I’m turning 77 this summer, my life has been hard, I live with a good man now, but we both isolate ourselves on a farm, that’s what I like to do. My two sisters and a brother are all in Heaven with mom and dad, the three favourite, go figure 😊
I'll go for a week or more at a time without a word to anyone, then when I go out to do errands I feel like an alien among humans.
Same here
I often hear my childhood described. It reminds me of the IFS, EMDR and Sensorimotor work we did in trauma therapy. Definitely recognizing my physical response attuned me to triggers. Then considering my social anxiety and deep insecurities it's been a lifetime of isolation that I see.
It's been hard too many times, and I do hear some about how nice it is to be alone. I think there are nuce alone times, but, not everything. If my mind gets fixated on loneliness it's a rabbit hole.
New subscriber here. I’m glad this video popped up in my feed just now!
I grew up in a toxic, traumatic, narcissistic, abusive environment and my biggest addiction became one to guilt, shame and self blame.
I almost lost my life to severe chronic illness and my own demons six years ago, before finally surrendering to the truth of why I was so unwell physically and emotionally and unable to heal.
I had desperately pretended to be ‘okay’ for my entire life and I put everyone else first and didn’t care about myself.
It took me several years, but I applied inner child healing and ‘reparented’ myself. Somatic experiencing studied and at applied at home was incredibly helpful to expel some of the trauma from my body and I was eventually able to heal physically (mostly).
I was able to go back to school to become a certified health coach, and I released my first book on Amazon last month (a memoir).
I also gave my first big talk and it has all been so exciting! And triggering AF!! 😂
I had no idea that it would all eventually cause a massive trauma upheaval and holy crap, it has been a rough many weeks🤦🏼♀️!
I finally found a good psychologist I trust instead of going it alone and I realize I have a lot more work to do.
But I’ll be okay. I deserve that and my inner child(ren) deserve it.
I still prefer to isolate very much and I have no desire for in-person connection outside of my husband and daughter, but I force myself. I have become very selective about who is allowed in my energy. This video is reinforcing that I might still be in denial about how much my enjoyment for solitude might actually stem from the things you mentioned.
Didn’t mean to write a novella! Lol
Thanks for this. Best wishes to all who are actively healing. We’ve got this! Healing is always possible. Sometimes we have to take it one moment at a time, but there are many good moments, hours, days and months ahead!
🙌🏼❤️🩹🙏🏼 xoxo
BTW I chose to cut the cord from all blood family in order to be able to heal. I am the scapegoat. I don’t miss them even a little and the guilt around letting go is beyond non-existent now. We are all different in how we handle it and it’s all ok ❤️🩹
"Set up your life as if you matter." I've discovered that if you don't do this, the people that matter to you will suffer as well. Sort of like taking the oxygen on the plane for yourself first because only then can you help others.
Your videos are a blessing, Dr. Sage. Sage advice for sure. ❤️
Thank you !!! I am in the process of healing and I am so grateful that my feelings of wanting to isolate are not as uncommon as I thought. The way you explained the differences and types of isolation... the more I am accepting my need for isolation and ALSO my need to connect with people/activities where I can feel happiness from learning something new just like everyone else who is taking a beginner's class.
Thank you for this video. You’ve helped me so much over the last few days to answer questions I didn’t even have the language to ask!
My childhood lacked emotional intimacy, warmth, and support. It still haunts me. Thank you for this talk. Love from UK 🇬🇧
I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately and like I just need some hugs. Sending love and virtual hugs to all of you out there who feel alone and as if you have no one.
🤗 back to you. I need a lifelong hug myself 😢
Thank you Dr Sage for being there right at this moment in time. I so need this right now as I'm really struggling with these issues and feeling quite desperate.
This video is validating. I've made tremendous progress. I have a solid circle of family, friends, and colleagues that I feel connected to, yet I have one last hurdle to address. It's the biggest one...a romantic partner. I'm thinking about the things I can do to address it.
You have such a positive attitude. I admire that!
@@kbc1883 Thanks!
Pray on it!
I had a very traumatic childhood with a physically and emotionally abusive dad and enabling mom. Now I am an unmarried stay at home mom and around 3 years ago the father of my child has started to make me feel how my dad made me feel, which is worthless and stupid and not worth listening to. Needless to say, my soul is very tired and while some of the solutions in this video are great ways to help someone like me heal, I personally can’t do any of that because I’m not allowed.
I don’t have any friends or family to speak of, and I live 2,000 miles away from my mom who has become my only contact with the outside world. I have no job and no marketable skills. I never went to college and will never be able to afford to. Life is hard for me, but I refused to raise my little girl in an unhappy environment. So I put on a happy face, and take the emotional neglect I feel from my child’s dad, and accept I will never be loved. I have such crippling anxiety, it will never get better for me, but I will continue to be there for my baby girl until she grows up to be on her own. I dream of the day I get to close my eyes for the last time.
For those of you that have friends or have the ability to make friends and the means to heal and reconnect with people, please do it. Oh how I wish I was able to heal, but instead I wait for my promised end. ❤
Thank you so much. I have so much respect and gratitude for your insights and generosity. I had swept all the reasons I isolate under the carpet, dug them deep into a hole in the ground in fact. Core beliefs and core wounds are words I hadn’t even heard before. And here they are. You have addressed and helped uncover feelings that have been unrecognized and blocked all my life whilst I’ve gone through the years being cheery and uplifting for others/mothers! I feel the change and authenticity happening as I type. Blessings to you x
I remember being 16 and my dad literally crying to me about how *I* was making *him* feel like a failure because I was struggling in school and basically in all areas of my life.
Oh I’m sorry, kids don’t just get put in the oven for X time and they’re ready. That was the first time I really realized he only saw me as his golden child, and more signs have shown over the years. I roll my eyes so hard when he says he’s “proud of who I have become”. Oh, a worker bee doormat who can’t stick up for himself and thinks he doesn’t deserve healthy happy relationships? Oh gee, thanks for being proud of that…… makes me feel real good about myself. It’s as if he thinks he succeeded, and that part is what makes me angry honestly. I both dread and long for the day I give him an honest earful about how much of my own development was neglected in pursuit of his ideal vision for me, how I had to do all of that myself and how in my mind he gets literally zero credit for it.
Thank you. ❤. All of the above, Your understanding of CPTSD is simply outstanding.
After a month of isolation and parting ways with what I thought was a good friend I joined a bible study group and for the summer all we’re going to do is fun games. I know many do not favor my personality but I have to be who I am. I endure….
Thank you for validating and normalizing my experience, Dr. Sage, but also challenging me to do the work that is my part. God bless you.
This resonated soo deeply with me. I feel like growing up an only child with a single mom with BPD made my sense of self split into two so i could become my own friend. I joke that i became my own twin, but that really is what it feels like to me. When i am alone, i don't feel like i am BY myself, i feel like i am WITH myself. I think this is why i feel more alone with people than i do myself because when i am with people i feel separation anxiety from myself. I can't be with me if i'm with them. It's like if i am with other people, my twin can't come. My connection to myself is much stronger than my connection with most people so i feel less like i am isolating and more like i am hanging out with the only friend that lets me be myself; me. That probably sounds a little crazy but i feel like even just typing this is making me feel less confused as to why i rarely connect with other people in a meaningful way. Thank you soo much for this video, and your channel in general, it's really helping me understand and heal.
I get what you're saying!
@@paolamura3497 🙏🏽❤️✨
I understand this very deeply... feeling alone with others but able to relax and be who I am, alone.
@@ds8209 perfectly put🎯✨
Thank you! The 4- walls, isolated, echoey, indoor, shut-windows no birds or trees prison sound of the audio conveys the topic well. Let's get outside & be part of a friendly biosphere that needs us, people.
Thank you for not being one of the ones that puts a dozen ads throughout your videos
I have realised that solitude is the best for me to heal after many losses.
Thank you Dr Kim listening to you has healped me so much as I have allways been a loner due to a very unhappy childhood where there was a lot of different abuse and neglect ,and I now feel isolated and forgotten by familey members who I have supported all my life ,but I am learning to live my life alone and some days are harder then others ,but ime at a more peaceful place in my life now ,and dont have to deal with everyone's dramas ,sending you love and light from Ireland ❤️🙏🦋🇮🇪
Totally alone with my dogs in the forest in a cabin for almost ten years now. I was forced to cut off all family contact to finally stop a lifetime of horrific and hideous abuse of every kind imaginable. Peace finally, but it’s a shame what some of us are pushed to do to attain it.
Wow. I feel seen and validated. I wasnt trying to get a high score on this list but holy cow. I do give myself a pat on the back on the rare times when i reach out and make that call or share my true heart with someone, because it's just so hard for me to do.
Working my way through your vids on CPTSD and this one bowled me over with its accuracy. It explains SO many things! Thank you, and keep 'em comin'!
Incredibly relatable. I love your soothing voice, btw.
Dr. Kim you are such a peach! 🤗 Your compassionate spirit has helped me more than you’ll ever know. You are a bright light to the world.
This was excellent! Very helpful. Thank you!
I appreciate your videos and how you speak on the a lot on the hidden symptoms and experiences of living with cptsd . Thank you! ❤
Thank you so much for what you do. Your videos are extremely helpful and very much appreciated. 🙏
This makes so much sense Kim. Thank you. I'm 63 I have become a hermit and but not lonely. I have complex ptsd. The only person I have connection to is my therapist which is fortnightly and is by video connection. I hide from people. My two cats and dog are my only companions.
wow, the way she started the video EXACTLY describes me! never thought i was lonely because i like being alone!
Thank you Dr. Kim! This has been very helpful information.
Iidentified with every single point you talked about. I did alot of self isolation as a child and teen because everyone around me was abusive towards me, Including teachers at school. There were a couple people only who were nice but I still couldn't turn to them for help. Even today in my 50s when the world gets difficult I self isolate. I find comfort in being in nature by myself or reading a book in my room away from everyone.
Felt this for many years.. it’s my whole narrative . Happy I came across this
This was powerful for me. Thank you. ❤
baby steps always count 💚
I have been really enjoying your content! Thank you!
I think everything out of your mouth is gold and here is another one. I love to be alone and since covid-19 I have been strictly alone for almost four years. I love it and only leave the house every two weeks to go get food. If not that I would never leave my house and I would be just fine. This video made me realize the reason that I isolate. I found my got into a group session and then finally understanding the need for a community. Thank you for what you do
Great video....thank you for this.....Sometimes when our energy fields are repairing themselves from the trauma (and this dense environment we live in) we need to be alone and have quiet time. Sometimes, I feel guilty for liking my alone time too much....I'm working on it.
Omg.. I was the "thick" one! Thankyou so so much for your insight...sadly I've been diagnosed with D.I.D ..Multiple personality disorder and you are helping me so much to understand why, throught your caring and thoughtful words n videos..thankyou from the bottom of my ♥ xx I will continue to watch your you tube channel xx
Oh, a lot of this hits home, especially the part about having to actually go DO things even if they are scary.
These are really helping. Thank you so much
So... you've met my mother? What amazes me is that my three sisters insist on maintaining these esteem annhilating, soul crushing parenting/relating "right!" practices because "that's THE Program" and to honor their parents! Generational suffering at its most blatent. I was NOT allowed into the inner circle of this family, which was devastating at the time, so I CAN be aware, detach from them, and pursue what is TRUE/REAL about/as ME. These presentations ARE blessings for me. Thank YOU!
I like your set and your vibe.
Although a woman myself, due to my trauma, I have trouble listening to women in roles of authority, or even just women who want to teach. It’s sad because fundamentally I have great respect and sure could use some role models, however a feminine voice telling me what to do, no matter how good their intentions, is a trigger for me.
Your set is fluffy and relaxing, and your tone of voice is calm and confident, not condescending. I was able to listen to this whole video and really took a lot from it. Thank you.