I wake up in the morning with "the shame of what I haven't done yet because I should have got up earlier". I FINALLY recognize this is what starts my day off wrong and already a loser, according to what I did not do for them yet.
It’s a weird phenomenon but when we bring loving acceptance to our mistakes or our perceived flaws instead of judgement often we can actually start to change (if we even need to change …) I hope you’re being kinder to yourself and bogging yourself up for getting this far and doing whatever you can manage. Being kind to yourself is the only task you really need to focus on .. then the rest will start to follow ❤
I can say one thing for sure - anyone watching this video has little to be ashamed of and much to be proud of for daring to face what is painful, making effort to be better people and live a better life.
Had to stop this partway through and lie on my bathroom floor trying not to barf. Something very large shifted for me-revisited next day and found some major clarity because I had finally turned a metaphorical rock over to face what was underneath. Realizing that the worst part of it, the thing that had eaten at me this whole time, was everything I had built up *around* trying not to turn the damn rock over. I mean-what was there was bad, but what was worse was the influence it’s had on my life ever since. Of course I’ve understood all this intellectually but it’s taken years of work to get to this point. What a fucking relief…or at least the beginning of relief…onto the next rock until there are none left. Thank you for the work you do. A lot of us out here without access to many mental health resources or just dipping our toes in to get used to the idea and this is so helpful.
I think one of the most pervasive forms of shame I struggle with thanks to both direct and neglect shame, is feeling like I'm not allowed to take up space in the lives of people I love, or inconveniencing them in any way
Yes Yes Yes!!! This is exactly how I feel. I was raised to not ask anyone to do anything for me. As you've said to not inconvenience anyone. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help. Or to get my needs met.
My caregivers were completely unreliable and said they would do important things and then never did. So I grew up being hyper independent and as a result, I cannot ask for anything from anyone as an adult.
Yeah and it's not true. You are supposed to be inconveniencing them! Having a child is supposed to be inconvenient in so many ways! Parents have to understand that when they have children and unfortunately they don't. It's kind of what he said with the pizza incident. His thumb was an inconvenience to his mom, but it wasn't. His thumb isn't his fault. You needing help or wanting attention is also not your fault. You were supposed to have it.
I just did some journaling about how my parents shamed me as a child, and suddenly a lot of my "bad" childhood behaviors make sense. When I would hide in my room all through high school, and feel a rush of adrenaline when I would hear my father come home, it wasn't because I was being some angsty, moody teen- I was protecting myself. I was preventing myself from being judged or shamed by not giving my parents the opportunity to convey their judgement or shame.
I used to literally sprint to my bedroom when I heard my mother's car drive up for this same reason. Decades later, I found out my older brother used to do the same thing. He'd even crawl into his loft bed in case she opened the door to the garage where he slept. Some parents just plain suck.
still pretending I don't exist for at least half the day... sleep schedule problems enhanced by this too. I find myself staying up late to not have to interact with family. It sucks. My skin is like paperwhite
Yeah I feel the same way. Having one alcoholic parent and one workaholic parent. I was blamed for not wanting to get involved in sports or social clubs. As an adult I am constantly fumbling because I missed out on social cues and standards of behavior. Feeling abandoned and ashamed for not succeeding. Being neglected by my overachieving, workaholic, enabling mother who wondered why I couldn't "figure it out" on my own.
@@jessicachaidez9338, I'm the opposite. I have high self-esteem no matter what anyone says, but I need those few people to see and accept me, or I feel screwed. It's always something. :)
"Not wanting to get out of poverty" - yeah, that. That hit me so hard. I wasn't gonna comment but I'm so happy someone said this bc I think people don't realize how that impacts kids. It still impacts me now.
@@leahweinberger583 Oof. Yeah i’m 40 and still have trouble just being bold and ambitious because “why do you think you can do any better?” and wonderful thoughts like that.
and then they want you to work and pay an equal amount of bills as they do in Their home ... when do we get to save to move out ? never , because they want to rely on us financially 😢
I heard my dad talking to my nephew this way when he did something wrong. “Are you going to be this way you’re whole life etc” and I absolutely blew up at him. It was one of the first times I’ve ever stood up to my dad. I’m proud of that, I didn’t know I had it in me. EDIT: Yes to the webinar!
I find myself standing up for my kids to my parents because I refuse to let them pass that crap on. It stops with me. And I want to be the grown up I needed as a child.
I can totally relate! My mom, my sister, her young daughter, and I shared a house while my niece was growing up. Much of what I know about how I was treated as child came from watching my mom interact with my niece. A few times I BLEW UP! My mom could never offer constructive suggestions, just demeaning, mean-spirited, negative, hurtful criticism! I’m 65, and last summer I did some painting on the exterior of my home. Every time I spilled a drop of paint or my brush went outside the line, I heard my mother scream at me, “You’re such a sloppy painter!” It happened so many times I was finally able to burst out laughing! Cooking, cleaning, sewing, schoolwork- the topic didn’t matter- my efforts were always substandard.
I remember not having period products and feeling immense shame as I tried to do my best with make-shift toilet paper "pads." It felt awful, especially when it would leak or the toilet paper would "escape" and trail behind me. Thank you for the exercises and for giving a voice to something I couldn't have articulated myself.
Sorry to hear this. Send you a hug. I realise my sister told me that she had a friend, when we were around 16 or so, that got her mother coming in when she showers and give her clean white perfectly folded underwear. We both look each other as astonished, as if we have discovered or landed in the moon… mothers do that? There can be someone who folds, wash and cleans and gives you white perfectly cleaned underwear? Unknown to us this or any other type of care like that. We even have to prepare our own food (it does not look that bad until you see she get it ready for our brother, with a sticker and his name only for him) Shame us even in this. I started putting a stick on the food I prepared for my sister and myself, for her to see that I am capable.💔
@@vickyeahoh Oh my god, your mother preparing food for your brother and not for you is so awful. To fail at such a basic aspect of parenting (and humanity!) and then put that extra touch of evil on it by giving him a sticker is grotesque. It broke my heart to read you put a sticker on the food you prepared for yourself and your sister. Bless you for caring for her when your mother didn't. Sending good wishes and big hugs to you! ❤
My mother told me when was 8 or 9 that I was complicated. She asked me why I couldn't be more like my brother? First of all, I am a girl and secondly, we have different fathers and last but not least, we are different people. I was shamed for being different. You have made me realize that the problem was never me. I can't thank you enough for all of your help. This information is so helpful.
Hi Patrick!!! Amazing video!!!! My narcissistic father would say, well that’s too damn bad!!! Also, when he took my whole $400 paycheck when I was sixteen, I felt bad for myself. He was really bad with money and a big complainer! He would lie to me about his job in the Army!!! When I would attempt to hold my narcissistic father accountable for something, he’d replied that he was in the military! His toughness was so toxic and rotten to the core!!!
Amazing content. I am struggling to raise my daughter the way I imagined and am realizing I am raising her without addressing my childhood shamed experiences. Your knowledge and exercises can help me work on some of my own issues and help me be a healthier parent to my girl. Thank you!
Me TOO. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. Side note: recognizing ones issues, finding the root and then researching how to correct it- we are doing more than most people. (well at least more than my family) Kudos 😊
You are far from alone, I don't really know what I'm doing. If anyone reading is looking for advice, books etc. Parenting from the inside out and beyond behaviors are really really helpful. Also the unruffled podcast by Janet Lansbury and raising good humans (also a podcast lol).
Thank you for all you do!! My mother often told me, "you haven't hugged me in five days...you treat the dogs better than you treat me... you don't love me... you're a real first class bitch". I knew even at a really young age that the scales were unbalanced for a mother/daughter relationship. I'm a people -pleaser and learning boundaries, thanks to you. Learning that it's ok to say no. ❤ Oh, I'm adopted too and she would say, " I'm not your mom anymore! I'm out of the loop!" I got used to it but now I don't know what to do with that. I think I'm so far removed that I just feel sorry for her and whatever brought her to that point.
Toxic shame has nearly killed me. I spent a lifetime (I'm 47) feeling like a bad, unloveable kid/person cuz I grew up desperate to win my mother's love but never getting it. I guess I would fall under #3, Shame by Neglect, but the examples don't really resonate. She didn't directly shame me, she was just never there for me, ever, so of course I thought it was me, cuz all mom's 'love their kids' so clearly I was the problem. I carried this with me, terrified that once people got to know 'the real me' they would also think I was not worth knowing. And then 3 years ago my mother literally told me she 'never had any love for me.' That was DEVASTATING. Yet it was also an awakening to me FINALLY realizing that maybe she was the problem, not me. Trying to learn how to love myself and erase that toxic shame feels like an endless challenge, 1 step forward, 500 steps back, but it's better than the alternative. As always, thank you for your videos! I find them incredibly helpful.
I got that you were a "hard kid to love". Damn who was the adult there? She was the martyr who had to try so dang hard and JUST couldnt...because of ME. She's 30 and I'm 10. Adult vs child. Ugh. cuz" mom's always love their kids".Absolutely biggest enraging statement out there.
I have ‘terrified people will find out the real me’ problem too. I put so much energy into my defenders so this won’t happen, that I both exhaust myself and push people away. Just wanted to let you know ur not alone x
A realization I had during your video: If I had cut my thumb like that I would not have told anyone. That is the level of shaming that happens in my family. I probably would have found paper towels or done something equally not helpful to try to "solve" the issue without bothering anyone. Because asking for help and admitting I had made that mistake would have turned into a huge attack against me omg.
My mom used to lock me out of the house when I would misbehave as a young child. I learned this because my father randomly told me in a guilty spiral. I only had a vague memory of me being alone on my front doorstep. A majority of my childhood is blocked from my memory, I shudder thinking about what things my brain doesn't want me to know about. I struggle with deep abandonment anxiety. I feel I'm unlovable if I make any sort of mistakes, and apologizing multiple times just makes me feel more desperate and ashamed, like no matter I do I'm burdensome. I'm working on affirming myself and being overall nicer to me. I deserve to be loved for my intentions instead of my perfections.
My mother used to lock all 7 of us out every afternoon during the summer. She would holler out tbe screen door "get a drink from the hose" I know how you feel.
"We're responsible for the recovery of our childhood trauma, but not how we got here" got me like a kicked me in the guts. 3, Shameful Neglect resinated hard. Family fell apart after death of a child, then left to my own devices and to figure my own way through teens.
Yea... my family was always toxic but when i was 10 my oldest brother passed away, likely because he didnt want to be shamed for calling mom and dad to pick him up from the bar, so he went with his drunk friend and was killed. After that, the dysfunction got even worse. And ya, i was expected to just deal with everything on my own. My parents were checked out to my needs, and my heartbreak over losing my brother. We were actually very close.
@@maegs1982 so sad your parent failed to appreciate you due to that tragedy; too many had to suffer in that instance. maybe not too late to talk to them?
Thank you for your channel. I'm one week home from 2 weeks in hospital post-suicide. Your videos have me crying (good) and examining the abuse (good). I really, really want to be more functional.
I've been in-patient twice in my life from suicide attempts. That was a long time ago. Getting functional is a worthy goal. It gets better. Don't give up.
The moment when stuff just clicks and you suddenly have flashbacks that perfectly explain your own behavior and the way you feel the way you do and now you're crying. Thank you.
Only child of an emotionally immature single parent who was super overprotective to the point of stunting my growth as an adult because she refused to teach me anything due to her lack of empathy & patience.
Same. My parent ended up having several miscarriages before me and I think that through her into overdrive. No I have little self confidence and a lot of work to do. Killing them with kindness......is more real than most think.
I would always hear "you can do anything and you're very smart" etc but then I would be shamed and screamed at for hours and calls spoiled, ungrateful etc for small mistakes I made do to undiagnosed ADHD They would always say "you keep loosing your glasses and forgetting to put the dishes away correctly because you're self and don't care. Your memory is fine for things your interested in" Now all I know all of the was because of ADHD
I hope you're able to get diagnosed by a validating doctor / therapist It's very retraumatizing to get checked out by a dr that clearly doesnt take ur word seriously
Bro, my mom literally all the time lol. “Are you dumb? Are you stupid? Are you retarded?”. And then when you play along and say yes, I actually am, they say “why would you say that? Don’t be stupid” shaming the shaming
Same. But the worst part was...I was diagnosed...but my parents somehow believed that bootstraps parenting was the way to go and if I worked hard enough, I could become "normal". They constantly compared me to my younger brother...and that was really tough because I have a somewhat strong case of ADHD and he's four years younger and neurotypical... They would tell me that I'm selfish because my room is always messy even though they always asked me to clean it. I really tried my best to clean but even now, it's so hard for me and I get extremely overwhelmed by it. Then they would shame me for not respecting my things...or "making everyone late"...or countless other things. I was often told that I was being "dramatic " if anything made me upset and not believed...to the point where they didn't even believe that my arm was broken and take me to the hospital until a week or so after it happened...even though I told them that I heard my bone snap.
Same here. Undiagnosed ADHD and ASD plus chaos, moderate neglect and poverty. I remember my verbally abusive 4th grade teacher calling my mom over a lost workbook. She said to my mom in a very snotty tone,"You told me YOURSELF, that she was a neglected child!" Well, I thought for years that she said I was a "rejected" child. That was the year my parents got divorced too. Good grief.
The reasons I didn't have children: scared to death to be like my mom in mother/child relationship, substance abuse from genetics and self medicating CPTSD
Same here, no kids because I was too afraid to mess it up from terrible modeling. Chose a difficult narcissistic husband whom I learned just before we divorced was a combo reflection of both parents, the only thing I knew and was deeply ingrained. Now, I’m creating safety and love for myself and am happy on my own, although I still grieve for my inner child and the things I don’t feel I can have that are normal for others. That feeling of always being outside looking in at life and others who have what I’d like but don’t know how to achieve. Lots of deep sadness and loss. Patrick nailed so much in these helpful videos.
Yikes. The sexual abuse one hit me hard. When I threatened my abuser that I was going to tell my parents his response was "You'll be in more trouble than I will." Sadly I believed it.
Regardless of my and "our" current struggles, I commend all of us for having the fortitude to pursue healing. Many people are going through life without ever acknowledging that they have childhood trauma to work on...others I personally know are reaching the end of their lives...past mid 60's and still unaware. One thing I know for sure, if you are part of this village, you have at least the desire to heal and the acknowledgement something isn't right. Kudos and all the best to us all. 👏🏾
Watched this 3 times! Shame is such an effective tool for controlling someone. This is what I'm really coming to terms with. Our parents used shame as a tool, its a lazy parent tool. Probably unaware of how deeply damaging it would be. Probably because they were raised in shame. At any rate, this is really hitting home. Thank you again.
My family had a pigeon, I was like 6 years old. My mother said I had cut one of the pigeons legs and i immediately began crying and she and my siblings were all laughing bc the pidgeon was just resting one leg inside his feathers. I have forever the image of them laughing so amused with themselves while I was bawling. I end up just leaving and go hide in the house. They would always come together to make fun of me. They knew I loved animals and they still toyed with my feelings
I really felt that. My mother would always encourage my brothers, uncles etc to make fun of my or telling me how ugly I was and laugh at me. I still carry this around with me and whenever I hear anyone laugh and maybe slightly look into my direction, I automatically assume they laugh at me and it makes me really insecure.
My father told me it was my fault that one of my pets died.. He also Ave some away and didn't tell me .. He told me it was my fault my mother was sick... He allowed his friends son to bully me and I ended up with a broken ankle and deep gash in smy leg. When I was sick he yelled at me or once refused to get me any water or once refused to drive me to hospital... I HEAR YOUR PAIN. You probably loved that pigeon and good on you for doing so 🙋🙋🙋
I would like to offer reassurance that they were not representative of humanity. I promise you can find better people. There are too many horrific angles to the abuse you are describing, too many to list.
This video is blowing me away because things that I’ve struggled with and never spoke to anyone about are being mentioned and I finally feel less alone.
It's nice, in a weird way, hearing about other people like yourself. I was parentified as a child and always felt so isolated and like I was the only person this was happening to, same as other forms of abuse and experiences I had. I'm sad it happened to others but I feel much less isolated now.
Granted, I am 71. How about this, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"? Usually accompanied with physical thrashings. I am learning so much from your presentations Patrick. Please keep them coming. I spent 30+ years seeing a therapists once a week. Your videos are spot on. Thank you for sharing this information.
“My mother’s main objective was to make me feel bad about making mistakes that were inconvenient to her” sums up my entire childhood… not only from my mother, but also my (maternal) grandmother. The abuse is generational but I have vowed to never NEVER have a child so at least it stops with me. I’d rather give up one of the greatest gifts one can be given than to even potentially put another child through this… shaming.
1:00 "Make children compliant" as a toxic parenting behavior. The first thing I thought of was our education system. Patrick, would love amy thoughts you have on how educators can do right by kids and not perpetuate the cycle!
catholic school was a nightmare; no relief from the fear and self shame. was never able to feel like a real person. it was ok for dad to drink and yell at us, but not for me to make a mistake when reading the eye chart when another parent checked my eyes. criticized because i could not see it.
The beauty of modern times: you can listen to the best people from all world. Patrick is a gift to all of us. Able to help not dozens of people who came to therapy, but thousands and thousands at the same time. Congratulations people, we have lived to that time.
I’m autistic, and for the first ten years of my life I didn’t have my diagnosis. It was brutal. And even now the ashes still burn my eyes. I love my parents, with all of my being, and It has always been the bare minimum of toxicity, but it was there although small. but the way that I am treated, or was, affects me in ways I couldn’t see for a long time. Thank you for shedding light on this. It means a lot to know how to heal.
I definitely endured weaponized shame from my mother growing up. She still tries it now even though I’m in my 40s but I stand up for myself and don’t sit still for it.
I never told my Narc or enabling parent about problems at school. I would have been shamed from them and I couldn't have taken that on top of bullying. When my oldest DS experienced bullying in school, I worked with teachers and others to resolve it by the afternoon that I found out about it. It was addressed in a beautiful way and my son knew I was there for him. I was so thankful and happy I was able to do this for him. Every time I'm able to give my sons what I would have liked helps me heal a bit. Thanks for this thoughtful, helpful video. :) I'm glad your son has you.
I think You can really be proud of yourself, how you are able to parent from a place of love, despite having grown up without love yourself. You have broken the cycle. It's so incredibly brutal when a child has to hide he or she's being bullied, just to avoid even more pain. When I confronted my parents with their lack of support during my school time, the response was something like "do you think anyone would have cared?" Yes, they would have cared!! That reaction showed me that it was right to not ask them for help when I was a kid.
"We're responsible for the recovery of our childhood trauma" - If this sounds shaming/blaming to anyone (me included), it indicates how much we have been shamed in our lives that we cannot help but anticipate similar intent here.
Sadly there is no quick fix and one else can do it for us so we need to work to see it as empowering that we can work to recover from the childhood trauma. My cptsd will live with me forever because cptsd changed the way my brain works but I can shed the toxic shame with time which is my goal I am slowly working on.
My mom acts like everyone's mom but wants me ( her actual only child) to act like her mother. Always expecting me to be extremely adult ,responsible, reliable and the grownup person in our relationship. Thank you so much for this channel! Watching you from Brazil!
I know what you mean. My mother is SO lovely to everybody else but she punishes me with silent treatments and manipulations if I ever even slightly challenge her rosy perception of herself. So when she is very thoughtless and does things I've asked her not to do, I cannot even gently question that behavior without unleashing her martyrdom. Right now she is very angry with me and not talking to me because I told her that she hurt me!! My hurt resulting from decades of being called paranoid and sensitive is dismissed as a grudge (um) but the hurt that I caused her by *telling* her that she hurt me - that is legitimate in her eyes and I am apparently ''cold hearted and cruel'' and made her unwell!! It's so illogical. HOW can anybody be so willfully blind. I am detaching slowly. Even though detaching is cold and cruel..........
Presently shame grips me right when I wake up in the morning. All my life I have been waking up gripped by shame and not knowing until now after watching your two part videos. Now that I know what it is I can recover. I couldn't figure this out not having joyful emotions and unable to enjoy my home I just bought. Truthfully I was going to re-home my newly added Corgi puppy this week because I just wasn't feeling it and I have been shaming my pup. I paused the video to go let him out of the crate and work again on training and spending time with him.
I am 55 yrs old. I went through some heavy inner child work for the abuse growing up in my 30s. I never got well. I am in coda now which helps. I am finally realizing my triggers and shame spirals. I raised two boys mostly as a single parent. I wasn't able to be present and was enmeshed with my kids. I was not able to validate their feelings. So I finally hit my bottom and want to change. I don't feel as alone in my 12 step groups. I see the same behavior in my kids now they are grown. It is hard to not want to help them. I know I need to focus on my recovery and get healthy.
My father was high at the restaurant, my mother drunk. My siblings and I helplessly watched as my mother, bothered by my fathers rude and dismissive behavior, stabbed him in the hand with a fork. We were all kicked out of the restaurant due to this. So much coming up this year since my father passed, it’s painful but I’m learning so much.
I'm currently seeing the first half of the video (#1) and I UNDERSTAND THIS COMPLETELY. e.g: Father would essentially shame us for still being alive, and "being a burden on this earth".
I've been watching a lot of videos like yours ever since 2020 when I realized, with help, that my family wasn't what we pretended to be, but THIS one choked me up, and highlighted my denial like no other. My mom was extremely religious, hard working, and anti swearing, and drinking and such so it felt very wrong for a 60yo woman to blame her her mistakes. Sharing your mom's reaction to your injury to me way back to my own nurse mother's "strange" reaction to illness or injury, especially when an aunt had to tell her I needed to see a doctor for red streaks running up my leg from an infected deep puncture wound, and when when she had a visitor so locked me in the bathroom with old towels for blood loss when I was passing out. From that, to mentioning ignoring sexual abuse... Wow! What kind of mom sends a grade school kid upstairs to play with a juvenile delinquent teenager, then scolds me for telling her why I came back downstairs? And continues to berate me to this day for not being "friendly" and staying in touch with such cousins? Thanks for helping me understand my shame so I can start changing even this late in life!
"Get your life together so that you're not embarrassed that you have to be a parent." The child in me nodded so hard when I heard you say this. Thank you 😊
OMG, I made it through without tears until the blessing at the end. Any little shred of humankindness is overwhelming to me. I have experienced all three kinds of toxic shame, sadly, and only discovered the idea of toxic shame last year for how I've felt all my life. I still felt something wrong with me in feeling it, so I was ashamed of feeling shame. Your way of explaining each category helps me immeasurably. I don't want my narc mother's voice in my head any longer. I accept your blessings as goals: I will embrace and be lovingkindness, I will be well and wish others well, I will be peaceful and at ease, I will be joyous. Thank you, Patrick. You are a compassionate, effective teacher and I appreciate you greatly. xoxo
I agree. Kindness makes me cry, above anything else. I will add one thing to your comment though: I will identify toxic people ASAP and try to keep them out of my life.
There is a wonderful book on shame: Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame by Pat DeYoung. Throughout the book, DeYoung defines shame as ‘the disintegration of the self in relation to a dysregulating other’. I feel this is such an accurate definition and it helped make sense of my own experience with chronic shame.
This video made me realize where my shame is coming from because I look back on my childhood and it wasn’t perfect but I don’t feel like it was too terrible but then I realize that in my tweens and early teens, my parents were so busy dealing with my older sister and her mess of a love life that I just kinda faded into the background while everyone was screaming at each other. I was neglected. And I do feel like I don’t deserve the attention I crave. I just got out of a relationship because I realized that I wasn’t in love with him, but instead, I finally had a friend that I could go to with anything and feel safe and he filled this deficiency I had in this need I have to feel loved at all times. He gave me everything I never had, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an attentive and patient listening ear. I don’t think it was real love for me though. I don’t know. Anyways. This video helped me immensely
Wow, I literally just went through this same thing. Ending the relationship was so hard for me but after realizing why, I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt like such a terrible person but this video and your comment eased that a little so thank you. Wishing you the best and much healing 💕
Y'all should look up inner child healing. I have the same thing and the only way to fill the void is inner child work done by ourselves. Once we heal that need for a loving childhood we no longer subconsciously seek it out from others and can have better relationships. I'm not there yet so don't think im preaching from a podium but I know inner child work is where I need to focus
Yay! Homework! My parents did that all the time. Once my brother broke his arm playing sport at school and they were livid they had to be called by the school and take him to hosptial. When my sister broke her arm my mother took her to a GP and got the cast on without doing an xray because of the inconvenience of taking around to diff place and of course it was all her fault that she broke her arm because shes so (insert appropriate insult). Her arm actually healed incorrectly and if u hold her arm now you can feel it still.
I rarely experience any big Eureka moments when learning more about trauma, but the concept of shame by neglect was a new one for me, and one I can easily identify with. I think this was important for me to learn, thank you for making these.
these ones are hard to swallow. i changed my last name immediately when i turned 18 because i wanted to seperate myself from my family completely. It never occured to me why I wanted that so badly
@@Charmed_Ridge I don’t know if it’s an option everywhere in the world, but in my country you fill out a governmental form and pay a fee to change your first middle or last name (or all)
It's interesting you mentioned that if you're not some rocket scientist you weren't good enough. I'm in education with a masters and my mom will still say to me, it's not like it's rocket science. I never thought I was smart enough for anything and had a lot of anxiety about it. My mom was a hoarder, not like you see on tv but still bad. I tried to hide it and rarely had my one friend over. I resonate so much with what's in this video about shame. I see it in me as an adult along with so much anger at times. Thanks for these videos!
Need this. When I look back at my childhood, all I think of is shame. To this day if I'm stressed I tell myself "Why am I being so dramatic I need to get over it and move on". Growing up I never had room to express my feelings or concerns, they were always shut down. I just shoved all my problems under a carpet.
Omg dude. Are you my long lost brother? I can relate to everything including the mother who hated me for not being totally independent the two pizza jobs AND yes even the prep work in the nursing home. For real. More importantly I can relate to everything you say about all this shame. I can’t believe it took me so long to see it. Im so grateful bro. Thank you. 🙏
My mom recently asked me why I am such a perfectionist with regard to parenting my daughters (I have been co-facilitating a parenting course for some years to reinforce a healthy parenting model). My inner voice wondered, “why weren’t you?” This is not to advocate for perfectionism, but to be a champion for awareness, growth, and change.
Growing up as the oldest of four I was constantly compared to my two sisters, especially when I started struggling with school. I'm 99% positive I have undiagnosed ADHD and when my little brother came along and he struggled the same way it made me so sad knowing that he probably has the same issues. It really hurt being asked "why can't you get good grades like your sisters? you're just as smart as they are!" when what should have happened was getting me tested to help me do better.
It wasnt just childhood for me. My war with shame started from abandonment and moderate abuse. It grew as failed to live up to my standards and those of my mother. My self worth became defined by results and I would blame myself. Its slowly killing me. Procastination, Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Caesar or Nothing Thinking, Learned Helplessness. I have all of them.
I find so much comfort in all of your videos. Even just Patrick's voice is soothing! The content + practical exercises, is an absolute game changer and I feel so supported by just watching all of your videos. I am so grateful, thank you so much 💛🙏💛
I remember my mom saying to me “you have anger issues” and I was punished for it. I love my parents and they did their best , but this created the toxic shame inner dialogue, but I’m an adult and I’m so glad that I am able to give myself what I need to heal.
I was neglected emotionally and not given any life guidance. A psychiatrist commented I miss social cues for conversation. I also have missed opportunities with men as I haven't realised they were chatting me up!😕
Thank you, Patrick. I have been looking for qualified help for these issues since the beginning of the pandemic (had some triggers and ended up in constant hyperarousal). Had an intake by a place yesterday and it went terribly and I left feeling unheard and unseen much like in my childhood. Your videos have not only been a great comfort and help while I've been waiting for the intake I had (I had to wait 5+ months to even be seen), but these new videos have come at a time when I am feeling incredibly vulnerable and alone. My inner child hurts and I feel lost and like it's all up to me to figure myself out, just like all those years ago. Of course with that comes terrible anxiety, bodily pain, shame and overwhelm. Your videos are giving me something for now. Back to searching for someone who does what you do here in the Netherlands! Wish me luck. 🍀 Thank you, Patrick, for making us feel seen and heard.
Thank you - shame by proxy…. This is the result of my mother being overwhelmed by “normal, everyday parenting challenges” - she has major anxiety and my dad was an alcoholic… pray I can do better for my children
being called a slob and why cant i look nicer like otger people. was being hit by an older boy and the school tried to blame me for it at 16 my mom/stepdad lost the house and i was blamed for it, simply becasue i was not christian my mother said flatly that she wanted my brother yes i did not want people over because of them i also was not allowed to really go over either. i hate my name :( my mom drank almost 80oz of beer every night i use to wrap a blanket around me like a cave, and pretend a stuffed animal was my loving mom i asked for help with math, they gave me a calculator. my mom kept me isolated from people hated any friend that liked me, talked trash about them etc. i was bullied in school, i felt like neither cared nor the school i dont even feel like an adult im scared that im doing the same stuff or reliving my trauma on my kid
My own mother was constantly berating me for any intrusion into her life just like what you are describing. Her worst tirades were always when I was injured or sick so badly that I required parental care. Things like me staying home from school or having to go see the doctor, or things like her her having to spend money on something like an ankle sling or calamine lotion, were almost always a catalyst for one of her grueling rants about how 'bad' me and my father were (despite her and my father divorcing when I was 4 and her having no contact with him at all). I am so glad that I found your channel. It is always empowering to know that I was not alone and that my mother's behavior was objectively toxic.
I'm still trying to comprehend how incredibly damaging neglect is. I just always thought it was MY fault I couldn't "handle it". I kept being set-up for failure. I felt guilty for being alive, convinced I'm this huge burden. I don't even wanna type out all the things my mom and siblings would say to me, I'd be here too long. I never realize how cemented shame is for me until recently. It's absolutely toxic, it ruins my life. But it's also hard to describe, because it's normal for me. Shame is why I haven't been able to have a steady income, or really any, for the last 2 years. I've only turned in 2 projects my entire school life. It never occurred to me, that those were the only ones my dad helped me with. Later he tried to help me with another but I was too shameful to even turn it in. The shame of failing a grade, the shame of dropping out, the shame of not being able to keep a job, the shame of relying on my partner. Its all too much. Now all I want to do is just take care of myself and pay my debts. I want to take care of others dear to me BUT not FEEL responsible for them (that's a big thing for me). I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and it's been life changing. I'm getting more therapy soon and I really really hope to find someone like you
hi Patrick, thank you so much for this video and your other series. I have SEVERE toxic shame that results in shame attacks all day long. Definitely having to do with having toxic parents and failing at Autistic masking. I don't really have much to say besides thank you and if you would consider making a video on how to find a trauma informed therapist like you that would be immensely helpful.
When I get done with this move and into my new house I'm going to rewatch all of these. This is amazing. I can think of so many indirect and neglected shame experiences.
I've recently realised that so much of my anxiety stems from near constant shame, and even feel ashamed of that shame because my mother wasn't abusive like so many others were. But she was depressed and I was sensitive, and I guess I was somewhat emotionally neglected even though I was loved. I'm so glad to have found your channel and your gentle wisdom.
At 9:02 that thing when a parent fawns like crazy for some of your friends while also trying to get you envious or competitive with them (didn't work), does happen especially when that parent is also a teacher, as it was in my case. Our teacher. Npd borderline math teacher...
When I think about the earlier is with my son it really makes me sad. His father and I had a toxic relationship that more or less recently ended. While I have always tried to come from a place of love and empathy and not shame--but there were definitely times in my weaker more highly triggered moments that I went there with him. I also worry that my own shame toward myself rolled down to him in those earlier years before I had this information. I can only hope that whatever damage was done isn't permanent. He struggles with perfectionism and I can't help but think it's my fault. (Ah, mother guilt - it starts the day you know you're pregnant. At least it did for me.) I've recently tried to take up telling him how great of a kid he is, how much I appreciate his help around the house, and that the things he thinks that are wrong with him, other people struggle with too. Based on his reactions I'm probably overdoing it. ;) He's a truly wonderful boy. I just want him to know that before it's too late.
I’ve been trying to find a way to explain the challenges I have with my parents for years because they tend to be so covert and I think I’ve finally found my match with the shame through neglect section. I’ve been basically left to fend for myself with every single big event in my life. I recently over went a serious breakup with my first girlfriend of two years and all i got was one text from my mom asking how I’m dealing with the breakup when I first told her weeks ago. I have always felt so alone dealing with big emotions and have never felt like I had a support system. They have told me I should open up more but I feel frustrated because they never want to initiate any emotional conversations themselves so it always feels really unnatural. Also, I guess because they were never physically abusive or addicts I was tricked into thinking they couldn’t do anything wrong. I know that I need to confront them about this but confrontation is looked down upon so deeply in my family. Thank you for this video
I was having real difficulty trying to pinpoint how my parent brought about the toxic shame I suffer from until you dicussed neglect. I think it would have taken me a while, if at all, to get there myself. I can now think of loads of examples I can use to help me understand. Thank you.
Very helpful, as always. Can you do a video entirely on the scapegoat/golden child family dynamic, and how a person who was primarily the scapegoat can address that trauma and reparent/ heal?
I did not even realise how much shame was part of my makeup until you told the story of your thumb accident. When I was about 16, I got ill and then had anaphylactic shock from the antibiotic. My father had moved out of the house by then. I landed in hospital, struggling to breathe and being really, really ill. But the whole day, I spent in shame for having to ask him to take me home afterwards. He was inconvenienced, and very, very angry. And what did I do than exposed me to some infectious disease?! I still have issues with trying to hide illness. Difficult if you are diabetic, with high BP and bouts of vertigo 🤣 Thank you so much for these videos. You are a treasure.
My moms favorite things to say to me my entire life were to compare me to others in a way to put me down and imply I was worthless while also being neglectful and not helping me in the ways normal parents always have to help their children.
Hello my friend, I paused lol meaning lol I'll probably or may make another comment... I wanted to give you a hug as I was listening... When I heard it was a mistake that you were cut and was hurting, It felt as tho a memory sliced across my heart... Please, try and feel our hearts connecting for a moment and know inside that it was in no way a mistake, it was a horrific accident... I've made mistakes I know, I used to carry around one of those pink erasers in my pocket for years to remind myself that it was alright...
I recalled the events that deeply affected me using your exercice and I cried so much. I already did therapy and a lot of work on myself (I think I am an healthy adult for myself), but I still struggled with shame and didnt know why. I think I still didnt really FEEL like it wasnt my fault. I did step 1 and I was so hurt. Then, I did step 2 and finding ways healthy parents would have done different in those traumatic shameful experiences was trully weird and liberating. Something changed in me, I think. I feel like the shame dissolved, or that it just didnt have a purpose to play anymore. Like, the fault came back to them and not me, but I felt it for the first time even if I knew it for a long time. Anyway, thank you for that :) ! I will update this when Ill do step 3.
These videos are incredibly triggering. I’m 18 now and I’ve only just realised how much I was gaslighted. I had an toxic divorce situation in my family, toxic single parent. I love my mother but the things she has said or done may forever haunt me. She was extremely reactive when she was single. Could never be happy in a relationship for too long, but she stayed cause she didn’t want to be alone. When you talk about shame, I relate so much to that emotion cause I never truly knew what it was until now. I feel so ashamed of thoughts and feelings I have now regarding relationships, because I was grown up around- relationships are always hard, never have kids they will ruin you, it’s better to be with someone then to be alone. It feels so fresh but one day I’ll overcome this ❤️
I have 3 grown daughters that now have children of their own and I'm struggling with my awareness (been in AA, therapy for eons and support groups), now, of the ways in which I should not have raised them. I identify with a lot of the feelings (I don't remember much before 13) that you lay out and identify with a lot of the toxic parenting that you describe. Being one of those parents is the most shame I'm experiencing. I didn't know how badly I've performed at parenting.
I have a specific memory of what was a stressful situation for 4yr old me and my mother not yelling as usual but was actually kind...I've recently realized how unworthy I felt at the time. It was so foreign, it just didn't feel right.
I’d love to go back and do a better job, I’d ignore my own mother and not take her advice! Yes, I made my own choices and allowed myself to be influenced 😕
My abusive mother punished me for excelling at school so I learned not to excel academically. After being told I was smart enough to skip second grade. I caught the shame from my father, who expected me to preform genius tricks for him. I ended up with .. "I let him down." Pretty toxic stuff. Thanks for this video!
This series is so good, thank you. I don't want to unload much, but after being hit by a bus (I'd just turned 15) and getting concussion and a dent above my temple, my stepdad said "It's been 2 months already, you should be over it by now" and that has always stuck with me. I think that's the clearest example I can give.
This video is perfect timing! I was just finding myself today "not allowing" myself to wear a new shirt I got, I was trying to figure out why on earth I was telling myself it was wrong and bad to wear the shirt, I really like the shirt. I came up with it felt like I was drawing attention to myself because it has writing on it. But why on earth was it making me feel like crap to consider doing such a thing as draw attention to myself.... then bam I watch this video and remember how drawing attention to myself was NOT OK in my family. I was made to feel shamed into hiding the truth about abuse in the family "what happens here stays here", you can't allow attention of any kind to be on you for fear you will slip up and let the secret out. I was shamed into thinking I must never wear anything that could offend another person, and I must never follow fads in clothing because this was not "appropriate". This sounds so unbelievably messed up realizing this is how I grew up, and realizing this was not ok for my parents to impose on me. So now I need to work through this just to be able to do a simple thing like putting a shirt on without causing a panic and dissociation. I have no obligation to hid myself or worry that I will offend someone who does not like graphic tees! I wonder how long it will take for me to actually believe this.
“Shame is the result of feeling personally responsible for something that we feel incapable of changing”
That simplistic ha? Its a lot of things mostly being shamed and not supported.
@@aflaz171 that’s what he said.
@@dbuck1964 Not precisely, but the Alan Fay comment could be included in the JNL.
and forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.
I am not sure. I will think about it!
I wake up in the morning with "the shame of what I haven't done yet because I should have got up earlier". I FINALLY recognize this is what starts my day off wrong and already a loser, according to what I did not do for them yet.
It’s a weird phenomenon but when we bring loving acceptance to our mistakes or our perceived flaws instead of judgement often we can actually start to change (if we even need to change …) I hope you’re being kinder to yourself and bogging yourself up for getting this far and doing whatever you can manage. Being kind to yourself is the only task you really need to focus on .. then the rest will start to follow ❤
I can say one thing for sure - anyone watching this video has little to be ashamed of and much to be proud of for daring to face what is painful, making effort to be better people and live a better life.
Thank you for sharing this
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This is making me want to cry thank you
Patrick, you are a lifesaver and "a Godsend" . Have you written a book yet? If not, I hope that is on your to do list.
We who seek help are often the strongest people in the whole jacked up family.
Had to stop this partway through and lie on my bathroom floor trying not to barf. Something very large shifted for me-revisited next day and found some major clarity because I had finally turned a metaphorical rock over to face what was underneath. Realizing that the worst part of it, the thing that had eaten at me this whole time, was everything I had built up *around* trying not to turn the damn rock over. I mean-what was there was bad, but what was worse was the influence it’s had on my life ever since. Of course I’ve understood all this intellectually but it’s taken years of work to get to this point. What a fucking relief…or at least the beginning of relief…onto the next rock until there are none left. Thank you for the work you do. A lot of us out here without access to many mental health resources or just dipping our toes in to get used to the idea and this is so helpful.
I think one of the most pervasive forms of shame I struggle with thanks to both direct and neglect shame, is feeling like I'm not allowed to take up space in the lives of people I love, or inconveniencing them in any way
Yes Yes Yes!!! This is exactly how I feel. I was raised to not ask anyone to do anything for me. As you've said to not inconvenience anyone. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help. Or to get my needs met.
My caregivers were completely unreliable and said they would do important things and then never did. So I grew up being hyper independent and as a result, I cannot ask for anything from anyone as an adult.
Yeah and it's not true. You are supposed to be inconveniencing them! Having a child is supposed to be inconvenient in so many ways! Parents have to understand that when they have children and unfortunately they don't. It's kind of what he said with the pizza incident. His thumb was an inconvenience to his mom, but it wasn't. His thumb isn't his fault. You needing help or wanting attention is also not your fault. You were supposed to have it.
I remember being confused when people were actually kind to me.
I just did some journaling about how my parents shamed me as a child, and suddenly a lot of my "bad" childhood behaviors make sense. When I would hide in my room all through high school, and feel a rush of adrenaline when I would hear my father come home, it wasn't because I was being some angsty, moody teen- I was protecting myself. I was preventing myself from being judged or shamed by not giving my parents the opportunity to convey their judgement or shame.
I used to literally sprint to my bedroom when I heard my mother's car drive up for this same reason. Decades later, I found out my older brother used to do the same thing. He'd even crawl into his loft bed in case she opened the door to the garage where he slept. Some parents just plain suck.
still pretending I don't exist for at least half the day... sleep schedule problems enhanced by this too. I find myself staying up late to not have to interact with family. It sucks. My skin is like paperwhite
The neglect portion of this was eye opening. Made me realize why I feel so damned bad about not having achieved anything "great".
Yes I believe this is one of my issues. Not feeling great unless someone says so, basically.
Yeah I feel the same way. Having one alcoholic parent and one workaholic parent. I was blamed for not wanting to get involved in sports or social clubs. As an adult I am constantly fumbling because I missed out on social cues and standards of behavior. Feeling abandoned and ashamed for not succeeding. Being neglected by my overachieving, workaholic, enabling mother who wondered why I couldn't "figure it out" on my own.
@@jessicachaidez9338, I'm the opposite. I have high self-esteem no matter what anyone says, but I need those few people to see and accept me, or I feel screwed. It's always something. :)
Crying right now, very eye opening.
That's probably what's driving most highly ambitious people...
"Not wanting to get out of poverty" - yeah, that. That hit me so hard. I wasn't gonna comment but I'm so happy someone said this bc I think people don't realize how that impacts kids. It still impacts me now.
Or perhaps not reaching for anything better having no goals or Ambitions and then stomping on you for having any
Hit me like a train too!
@@leahweinberger583 Oof. Yeah i’m 40 and still have trouble just being bold and ambitious because “why do you think you can do any better?” and wonderful thoughts like that.
and then they want you to work and pay an equal amount of bills as they do in Their home ... when do we get to save to move out ? never , because they want to rely on us financially 😢
I heard my dad talking to my nephew this way when he did something wrong. “Are you going to be this way you’re whole life etc” and I absolutely blew up at him. It was one of the first times I’ve ever stood up to my dad. I’m proud of that, I didn’t know I had it in me.
EDIT: Yes to the webinar!
I find myself standing up for my kids to my parents because I refuse to let them pass that crap on. It stops with me. And I want to be the grown up I needed as a child.
Exactly! Let's BREAK that loop.
I can totally relate! My mom, my sister, her young daughter, and I shared a house while my niece was growing up. Much of what I know about how I was treated as child came from watching my mom interact with my niece. A few times I BLEW UP! My mom could never offer constructive suggestions, just demeaning, mean-spirited, negative, hurtful criticism!
I’m 65, and last summer I did some painting on the exterior of my home. Every time I spilled a drop of paint or my brush went outside the line, I heard my mother scream at me, “You’re such a sloppy painter!” It happened so many times I was finally able to burst out laughing! Cooking, cleaning, sewing, schoolwork- the topic didn’t matter- my efforts were always substandard.
instant classic Bravo for standing up to your dad to protect your nephew! 👏👏👏
It's badass indeed.
I remember not having period products and feeling immense shame as I tried to do my best with make-shift toilet paper "pads." It felt awful, especially when it would leak or the toilet paper would "escape" and trail behind me. Thank you for the exercises and for giving a voice to something I couldn't have articulated myself.
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Sending love.
Sorry to hear this. Send you a hug. I realise my sister told me that she had a friend, when we were around 16 or so, that got her mother coming in when she showers and give her clean white perfectly folded underwear. We both look each other as astonished, as if we have discovered or landed in the moon… mothers do that? There can be someone who folds, wash and cleans and gives you white perfectly cleaned underwear? Unknown to us this or any other type of care like that. We even have to prepare our own food (it does not look that bad until you see she get it ready for our brother, with a sticker and his name only for him) Shame us even in this. I started putting a stick on the food I prepared for my sister and myself, for her to see that I am capable.💔
@@vickyeahoh Oh my god, your mother preparing food for your brother and not for you is so awful. To fail at such a basic aspect of parenting (and humanity!) and then put that extra touch of evil on it by giving him a sticker is grotesque. It broke my heart to read you put a sticker on the food you prepared for yourself and your sister. Bless you for caring for her when your mother didn't. Sending good wishes and big hugs to you! ❤
@@vickyeahohSo smart of you to put a sticker on yours and your sister's food. I bet your inner child would thank you if she knew how.
My mother told me when was 8 or 9 that I was complicated. She asked me why I couldn't be more like my brother? First of all, I am a girl and secondly, we have different fathers and last but not least, we are different people. I was shamed for being different. You have made me realize that the problem was never me. I can't thank you enough for all of your help. This information is so helpful.
I'm so proud of you. I really am. ❤️ You are perfection as you are. 🤍
Sounds like she was frustrated and didn’t know how to deal.
@@BernadetteA
Yeah, me too.
@@DVD927 might be..but she was The adult.. it was her job to learn how to deal not to take it out on a poor innocent kid
Hi Patrick!!! Amazing video!!!! My narcissistic father would say, well that’s too damn bad!!! Also, when he took my whole $400 paycheck when I was sixteen, I felt bad for myself. He was really bad with money and a big complainer! He would lie to me about his job in the Army!!! When I would attempt to hold my narcissistic father accountable for something, he’d replied that he was in the military! His toughness was so toxic and rotten to the core!!!
Amazing content. I am struggling to raise my daughter the way I imagined and am realizing I am raising her without addressing my childhood shamed experiences. Your knowledge and exercises can help me work on some of my own issues and help me be a healthier parent to my girl. Thank you!
Mee too 😭
Me TOO. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one.
Side note: recognizing ones issues, finding the root and then researching how to correct it- we are doing more than most people. (well at least more than my family)
Kudos 😊
You are far from alone, I don't really know what I'm doing.
If anyone reading is looking for advice, books etc. Parenting from the inside out and beyond behaviors are really really helpful. Also the unruffled podcast by Janet Lansbury and raising good humans (also a podcast lol).
I think it’s beautiful that you’re doing this work, not just for yourself but for your daughter. She’s lucky to have you for a mom.
Me too .. three kids and just now starting to see how I am still like my mom at times. It’s scary and I’m doin what I can to fix it.
Thank you for all you do!!
My mother often told me, "you haven't hugged me in five days...you treat the dogs better than you treat me... you don't love me... you're a real first class bitch". I knew even at a really young age that the scales were unbalanced for a mother/daughter relationship. I'm a people -pleaser and learning boundaries, thanks to you. Learning that it's ok to say no. ❤ Oh, I'm adopted too and she would say, " I'm not your mom anymore! I'm out of the loop!" I got used to it but now I don't know what to do with that. I think I'm so far removed that I just feel sorry for her and whatever brought her to that point.
Toxic shame has nearly killed me. I spent a lifetime (I'm 47) feeling like a bad, unloveable kid/person cuz I grew up desperate to win my mother's love but never getting it. I guess I would fall under #3, Shame by Neglect, but the examples don't really resonate. She didn't directly shame me, she was just never there for me, ever, so of course I thought it was me, cuz all mom's 'love their kids' so clearly I was the problem. I carried this with me, terrified that once people got to know 'the real me' they would also think I was not worth knowing. And then 3 years ago my mother literally told me she 'never had any love for me.' That was DEVASTATING. Yet it was also an awakening to me FINALLY realizing that maybe she was the problem, not me. Trying to learn how to love myself and erase that toxic shame feels like an endless challenge, 1 step forward, 500 steps back, but it's better than the alternative. As always, thank you for your videos! I find them incredibly helpful.
I got that you were a "hard kid to love". Damn who was the adult there? She was the martyr who had to try so dang hard and JUST couldnt...because of ME. She's 30 and I'm 10. Adult vs child. Ugh. cuz" mom's always love their kids".Absolutely biggest enraging statement out there.
I have ‘terrified people will find out the real me’ problem too. I put so much energy into my defenders so this won’t happen, that I both exhaust myself and push people away. Just wanted to let you know ur not alone x
A realization I had during your video: If I had cut my thumb like that I would not have told anyone. That is the level of shaming that happens in my family. I probably would have found paper towels or done something equally not helpful to try to "solve" the issue without bothering anyone. Because asking for help and admitting I had made that mistake would have turned into a huge attack against me omg.
Omg same...
My mom used to lock me out of the house when I would misbehave as a young child. I learned this because my father randomly told me in a guilty spiral. I only had a vague memory of me being alone on my front doorstep. A majority of my childhood is blocked from my memory, I shudder thinking about what things my brain doesn't want me to know about. I struggle with deep abandonment anxiety. I feel I'm unlovable if I make any sort of mistakes, and apologizing multiple times just makes me feel more desperate and ashamed, like no matter I do I'm burdensome. I'm working on affirming myself and being overall nicer to me. I deserve to be loved for my intentions instead of my perfections.
😬 uh oh... We are enough by our existance. 😼🤗
My mother used to lock all 7 of us out every afternoon during the summer. She would holler out tbe screen door "get a drink from the hose" I know how you feel.
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I'm so sorry this happened to you, it never should have. It was never your fault and you are worthy of complete love and acceptance.
I’m sending you a big bucket of compassion, kindness and acceptance, just for you ❤️You are cared for!
"We're responsible for the recovery of our childhood trauma, but not how we got here" got me like a kicked me in the guts. 3, Shameful Neglect resinated hard. Family fell apart after death of a child, then left to my own devices and to figure my own way through teens.
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Yea... my family was always toxic but when i was 10 my oldest brother passed away, likely because he didnt want to be shamed for calling mom and dad to pick him up from the bar, so he went with his drunk friend and was killed. After that, the dysfunction got even worse. And ya, i was expected to just deal with everything on my own. My parents were checked out to my needs, and my heartbreak over losing my brother. We were actually very close.
@@rn2199 good reply; many need to see that loving heart and your kind compassion.
@@maegs1982 so sad your parent failed to appreciate you due to that tragedy; too many had to suffer in that instance. maybe not too late to talk to them?
Thank you for your channel. I'm one week home from 2 weeks in hospital post-suicide. Your videos have me crying (good) and examining the abuse (good).
I really, really want to be more functional.
I've been in-patient twice in my life from suicide attempts. That was a long time ago. Getting functional is a worthy goal. It gets better. Don't give up.
@user-rl8jr6ls4z I'm in a much better place now - doing the hard work to heal is worth it.
much mahalos for caring about me
stay well, - a hui ho 🤙
The moment when stuff just clicks and you suddenly have flashbacks that perfectly explain your own behavior and the way you feel the way you do and now you're crying. Thank you.
Talking about childhood trauma but puts a trigger warning for vegetarians and vegans 🤣😂 that may have made my week.
I grew up with overprotective parents and it has affected me more than I thought.
Same here! My parents were overprotective and very religious. Double whammy.
My parents were overprotective and authoritative. Couple that with school bullying and yeah...it's a legit deep dive into a lot of pain.
Only child of an emotionally immature single parent who was super overprotective to the point of stunting my growth as an adult because she refused to teach me anything due to her lack of empathy & patience.
Same. My parent ended up having several miscarriages before me and I think that through her into overdrive. No I have little self confidence and a lot of work to do.
Killing them with kindness......is more real than most think.
@@mayritaysabel Ooh, same here. I'm 28 and going through therapy now and realizing how much it affected me. It's a lot of yikes.
I would always hear "you can do anything and you're very smart" etc but then I would be shamed and screamed at for hours and calls spoiled, ungrateful etc for small mistakes I made do to undiagnosed ADHD
They would always say "you keep loosing your glasses and forgetting to put the dishes away correctly because you're self and don't care. Your memory is fine for things your interested in"
Now all I know all of the was because of ADHD
I hope you're able to get diagnosed by a validating doctor / therapist
It's very retraumatizing to get checked out by a dr that clearly doesnt take ur word seriously
Bro, my mom literally all the time lol. “Are you dumb? Are you stupid? Are you retarded?”. And then when you play along and say yes, I actually am, they say “why would you say that? Don’t be stupid” shaming the shaming
Same. But the worst part was...I was diagnosed...but my parents somehow believed that bootstraps parenting was the way to go and if I worked hard enough, I could become "normal". They constantly compared me to my younger brother...and that was really tough because I have a somewhat strong case of ADHD and he's four years younger and neurotypical...
They would tell me that I'm selfish because my room is always messy even though they always asked me to clean it. I really tried my best to clean but even now, it's so hard for me and I get extremely overwhelmed by it. Then they would shame me for not respecting my things...or "making everyone late"...or countless other things. I was often told that I was being "dramatic " if anything made me upset and not believed...to the point where they didn't even believe that my arm was broken and take me to the hospital until a week or so after it happened...even though I told them that I heard my bone snap.
Felt.
Same here. Undiagnosed ADHD and ASD plus chaos, moderate neglect and poverty. I remember my verbally abusive 4th grade teacher calling my mom over a lost workbook. She said to my mom in a very snotty tone,"You told me YOURSELF, that she was a neglected child!" Well, I thought for years that she said I was a "rejected" child. That was the year my parents got divorced too. Good grief.
The reasons I didn't have children: scared to death to be like my mom in mother/child relationship, substance abuse from genetics and self medicating CPTSD
Same here, no kids because I was too afraid to mess it up from terrible modeling. Chose a difficult narcissistic husband whom I learned just before we divorced was a combo reflection of both parents, the only thing I knew and was deeply ingrained. Now, I’m creating safety and love for myself and am happy on my own, although I still grieve for my inner child and the things I don’t feel I can have that are normal for others. That feeling of always being outside looking in at life and others who have what I’d like but don’t know how to achieve. Lots of deep sadness and loss. Patrick nailed so much in these helpful videos.
I didn't want children either due to my fear of messing them up emotionally. I can't even figure out my own emotions never mind a vulnerable child.
you would have made a great mom and maybe can find a child to relate to as a caring older person.
Yikes. The sexual abuse one hit me hard. When I threatened my abuser that I was going to tell my parents his response was "You'll be in more trouble than I will." Sadly I believed it.
Regardless of my and "our" current struggles, I commend all of us for having the fortitude to pursue healing. Many people are going through life without ever acknowledging that they have childhood trauma to work on...others I personally know are reaching the end of their lives...past mid 60's and still unaware. One thing I know for sure, if you are part of this village, you have at least the desire to heal and the acknowledgement something isn't right. Kudos and all the best to us all. 👏🏾
Watched this 3 times! Shame is such an effective tool for controlling someone. This is what I'm really coming to terms with. Our parents used shame as a tool, its a lazy parent tool. Probably unaware of how deeply damaging it would be. Probably because they were raised in shame. At any rate, this is really hitting home. Thank you again.
My family had a pigeon, I was like 6 years old. My mother said I had cut one of the pigeons legs and i immediately began crying and she and my siblings were all laughing bc the pidgeon was just resting one leg inside his feathers. I have forever the image of them laughing so amused with themselves while I was bawling. I end up just leaving and go hide in the house. They would always come together to make fun of me. They knew I loved animals and they still toyed with my feelings
Playing with a innocent child's emotions isn't funny. My toxic family played with my emotions all the time. These people aren't mentally healthy.
I really felt that. My mother would always encourage my brothers, uncles etc to make fun of my or telling me how ugly I was and laugh at me. I still carry this around with me and whenever I hear anyone laugh and maybe slightly look into my direction, I automatically assume they laugh at me and it makes me really insecure.
That's horrible, I'm sorry..🙁
My father told me it was my fault that one of my pets died.. He also Ave some away and didn't tell me .. He told me it was my fault my mother was sick... He allowed his friends son to bully me and I ended up with a broken ankle and deep gash in smy leg. When I was sick he yelled at me or once refused to get me any water or once refused to drive me to hospital... I HEAR YOUR PAIN. You probably loved that pigeon and good on you for doing so 🙋🙋🙋
I would like to offer reassurance that they were not representative of humanity. I promise you can find better people. There are too many horrific angles to the abuse you are describing, too many to list.
This video is blowing me away because things that I’ve struggled with and never spoke to anyone about are being mentioned and I finally feel less alone.
Got ya. The hoarding issue hit me hard.
It's nice, in a weird way, hearing about other people like yourself. I was parentified as a child and always felt so isolated and like I was the only person this was happening to, same as other forms of abuse and experiences I had. I'm sad it happened to others but I feel much less isolated now.
My theme song is 'Alone Again, Naturally'.
My mother is a narcissist and a hoarder. That doubled the instances of shame we had to put up with. Took us years to figure that out.
Granted, I am 71. How about this, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"? Usually accompanied with physical thrashings. I am learning so much from your presentations Patrick. Please keep them coming. I spent 30+ years seeing a therapists once a week. Your videos are spot on. Thank you for sharing this information.
My mom really drilled that exact line into me
@@amandasmith6855 Me too and I still don't get it to this day. What in me should I be ashamed of? Yet I feel great shame.
Same
yes. very, very helpful.
“My mother’s main objective was to make me feel bad about making mistakes that were inconvenient to her” sums up my entire childhood… not only from my mother, but also my (maternal) grandmother. The abuse is generational but I have vowed to never NEVER have a child so at least it stops with me. I’d rather give up one of the greatest gifts one can be given than to even potentially put another child through this… shaming.
1:00 "Make children compliant" as a toxic parenting behavior. The first thing I thought of was our education system. Patrick, would love amy thoughts you have on how educators can do right by kids and not perpetuate the cycle!
catholic school was a nightmare; no relief from the fear and self shame. was never able to feel like a real person. it was ok for dad to drink and yell at us, but not for me to make a mistake when reading the eye chart when another parent checked my eyes. criticized because i could not see it.
The beauty of modern times: you can listen to the best people from all world.
Patrick is a gift to all of us. Able to help not dozens of people who came to therapy, but thousands and thousands at the same time.
Congratulations people, we have lived to that time.
I’m autistic, and for the first ten years of my life I didn’t have my diagnosis. It was brutal. And even now the ashes still burn my eyes. I love my parents, with all of my being, and It has always been the bare minimum of toxicity, but it was there although small. but the way that I am treated, or was, affects me in ways I couldn’t see for a long time. Thank you for shedding light on this. It means a lot to know how to heal.
"the ashes still burn my eyes," . . . . what a beautiful way of saying that
Oh my goodness. That part about parents being unwilling to get out of poverty. Sounds like he was observing my childhood.
I definitely endured weaponized shame from my mother growing up. She still tries it now even though I’m in my 40s but I stand up for myself and don’t sit still for it.
I never told my Narc or enabling parent about problems at school. I would have been shamed from them and I couldn't have taken that on top of bullying. When my oldest DS experienced bullying in school, I worked with teachers and others to resolve it by the afternoon that I found out about it. It was addressed in a beautiful way and my son knew I was there for him. I was so thankful and happy I was able to do this for him. Every time I'm able to give my sons what I would have liked helps me heal a bit. Thanks for this thoughtful, helpful video. :) I'm glad your son has you.
I think You can really be proud of yourself, how you are able to parent from a place of love, despite having grown up without love yourself. You have broken the cycle. It's so incredibly brutal when a child has to hide he or she's being bullied, just to avoid even more pain. When I confronted my parents with their lack of support during my school time, the response was something like "do you think anyone would have cared?" Yes, they would have cared!! That reaction showed me that it was right to not ask them for help when I was a kid.
"We're responsible for the recovery of our childhood trauma" - If this sounds shaming/blaming to anyone (me included), it indicates how much we have been shamed in our lives that we cannot help but anticipate similar intent here.
This resonates, but could you explain more?
Sadly there is no quick fix and one else can do it for us so we need to work to see it as empowering that we can work to recover from the childhood trauma. My cptsd will live with me forever because cptsd changed the way my brain works but I can shed the toxic shame with time which is my goal I am slowly working on.
My mom acts like everyone's mom but wants me ( her actual only child) to act like her mother. Always expecting me to be extremely adult ,responsible, reliable and the grownup person in our relationship.
Thank you so much for this channel! Watching you from Brazil!
I know what you mean. My mother is SO lovely to everybody else but she punishes me with silent treatments and manipulations if I ever even slightly challenge her rosy perception of herself. So when she is very thoughtless and does things I've asked her not to do, I cannot even gently question that behavior without unleashing her martyrdom. Right now she is very angry with me and not talking to me because I told her that she hurt me!! My hurt resulting from decades of being called paranoid and sensitive is dismissed as a grudge (um) but the hurt that I caused her by *telling* her that she hurt me - that is legitimate in her eyes and I am apparently ''cold hearted and cruel'' and made her unwell!! It's so illogical. HOW can anybody be so willfully blind. I am detaching slowly. Even though detaching is cold and cruel..........
Parentification. A trait of narcissist parenting.
Presently shame grips me right when I wake up in the morning. All my life I have been waking up gripped by shame and not knowing until now after watching your two part videos. Now that I know what it is I can recover. I couldn't figure this out not having joyful emotions and unable to enjoy my home I just bought. Truthfully I was going to re-home my newly added Corgi puppy this week because I just wasn't feeling it and I have been shaming my pup. I paused the video to go let him out of the crate and work again on training and spending time with him.
I am 55 yrs old. I went through some heavy inner child work for the abuse growing up in my 30s. I never got well. I am in coda now which helps. I am finally realizing my triggers and shame spirals. I raised two boys mostly as a single parent. I wasn't able to be present and was enmeshed with my kids. I was not able to validate their feelings. So I finally hit my bottom and want to change. I don't feel as alone in my 12 step groups. I see the same behavior in my kids now they are grown. It is hard to not want to help them. I know I need to focus on my recovery and get healthy.
My father was high at the restaurant, my mother drunk. My siblings and I helplessly watched as my mother, bothered by my fathers rude and dismissive behavior, stabbed him in the hand with a fork. We were all kicked out of the restaurant due to this. So much coming up this year since my father passed, it’s painful but I’m learning so much.
My mom punched my aunt at my dads funeral in front of his casket ... I got ya bro
I'm currently seeing the first half of the video (#1) and I UNDERSTAND THIS COMPLETELY. e.g: Father would essentially shame us for still being alive, and "being a burden on this earth".
I've been watching a lot of videos like yours ever since 2020 when I realized, with help, that my family wasn't what we pretended to be, but THIS one choked me up, and highlighted my denial like no other. My mom was extremely religious, hard working, and anti swearing, and drinking and such so it felt very wrong for a 60yo woman to blame her her mistakes.
Sharing your mom's reaction to your injury to me way back to my own nurse mother's "strange" reaction to illness or injury, especially when an aunt had to tell her I needed to see a doctor for red streaks running up my leg from an infected deep puncture wound, and when when she had a visitor so locked me in the bathroom with old towels for blood loss when I was passing out. From that, to mentioning ignoring sexual abuse... Wow! What kind of mom sends a grade school kid upstairs to play with a juvenile delinquent teenager, then scolds me for telling her why I came back downstairs? And continues to berate me to this day for not being "friendly" and staying in touch with such cousins?
Thanks for helping me understand my shame so I can start changing even this late in life!
"Get your life together so that you're not embarrassed that you have to be a parent." The child in me nodded so hard when I heard you say this. Thank you 😊
OMG, I made it through without tears until the blessing at the end. Any little shred of humankindness is overwhelming to me. I have experienced all three kinds of toxic shame, sadly, and only discovered the idea of toxic shame last year for how I've felt all my life. I still felt something wrong with me in feeling it, so I was ashamed of feeling shame. Your way of explaining each category helps me immeasurably. I don't want my narc mother's voice in my head any longer. I accept your blessings as goals: I will embrace and be lovingkindness, I will be well and wish others well, I will be peaceful and at ease, I will be joyous. Thank you, Patrick. You are a compassionate, effective teacher and I appreciate you greatly. xoxo
I agree. Kindness makes me cry, above anything else. I will add one thing to your comment though: I will identify toxic people ASAP and try to keep them out of my life.
There is a wonderful book on shame: Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame by Pat DeYoung. Throughout the book, DeYoung defines shame as ‘the disintegration of the self in relation to a dysregulating other’.
I feel this is such an accurate definition and it helped make sense of my own experience with chronic shame.
This video made me realize where my shame is coming from because I look back on my childhood and it wasn’t perfect but I don’t feel like it was too terrible but then I realize that in my tweens and early teens, my parents were so busy dealing with my older sister and her mess of a love life that I just kinda faded into the background while everyone was screaming at each other. I was neglected. And I do feel like I don’t deserve the attention I crave. I just got out of a relationship because I realized that I wasn’t in love with him, but instead, I finally had a friend that I could go to with anything and feel safe and he filled this deficiency I had in this need I have to feel loved at all times. He gave me everything I never had, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, an attentive and patient listening ear. I don’t think it was real love for me though. I don’t know. Anyways. This video helped me immensely
Wow, I literally just went through this same thing. Ending the relationship was so hard for me but after realizing why, I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt like such a terrible person but this video and your comment eased that a little so thank you. Wishing you the best and much healing 💕
Y'all should look up inner child healing. I have the same thing and the only way to fill the void is inner child work done by ourselves. Once we heal that need for a loving childhood we no longer subconsciously seek it out from others and can have better relationships. I'm not there yet so don't think im preaching from a podium but I know inner child work is where I need to focus
What is love?
@@Eleventyeleventh baby don’t hurt me
Yay! Homework! My parents did that all the time. Once my brother broke his arm playing sport at school and they were livid they had to be called by the school and take him to hosptial. When my sister broke her arm my mother took her to a GP and got the cast on without doing an xray because of the inconvenience of taking around to diff place and of course it was all her fault that she broke her arm because shes so (insert appropriate insult). Her arm actually healed incorrectly and if u hold her arm now you can feel it still.
It’s very comforting knowing how many others are dealing with and fighting through this stuff. It gives me unending hope
I rarely experience any big Eureka moments when learning more about trauma, but the concept of shame by neglect was a new one for me, and one I can easily identify with. I think this was important for me to learn, thank you for making these.
these ones are hard to swallow. i changed my last name immediately when i turned 18 because i wanted to seperate myself from my family completely. It never occured to me why I wanted that so badly
How’d you change your last name? That’s a good idea actually
@@Charmed_Ridge I don’t know if it’s an option everywhere in the world, but in my country you fill out a governmental form and pay a fee to change your first middle or last name (or all)
Yep, old school parenting is direct shame and how it was in my family.
It's interesting you mentioned that if you're not some rocket scientist you weren't good enough. I'm in education with a masters and my mom will still say to me, it's not like it's rocket science. I never thought I was smart enough for anything and had a lot of anxiety about it. My mom was a hoarder, not like you see on tv but still bad. I tried to hide it and rarely had my one friend over. I resonate so much with what's in this video about shame. I see it in me as an adult along with so much anger at times. Thanks for these videos!
Need this. When I look back at my childhood, all I think of is shame. To this day if I'm stressed I tell myself "Why am I being so dramatic I need to get over it and move on". Growing up I never had room to express my feelings or concerns, they were always shut down. I just shoved all my problems under a carpet.
WHEW! I pm;u recently recognized how DEEP my sense of SHAME. Patrick's observations are really helpful.
Omg dude. Are you my long lost brother? I can relate to everything including the mother who hated me for not being totally independent the two pizza jobs AND yes even the prep work in the nursing home. For real.
More importantly I can relate to everything you say about all this shame. I can’t believe it took me so long to see it.
Im so grateful bro. Thank you. 🙏
My mom recently asked me why I am such a perfectionist with regard to parenting my daughters (I have been co-facilitating a parenting course for some years to reinforce a healthy parenting model). My inner voice wondered, “why weren’t you?”
This is not to advocate for perfectionism, but to be a champion for awareness, growth, and change.
You get it! After countless videos, numerous “experts” - you get how multilayered the root of shame and the manifestation of shame can be
Growing up as the oldest of four I was constantly compared to my two sisters, especially when I started struggling with school. I'm 99% positive I have undiagnosed ADHD and when my little brother came along and he struggled the same way it made me so sad knowing that he probably has the same issues.
It really hurt being asked "why can't you get good grades like your sisters? you're just as smart as they are!" when what should have happened was getting me tested to help me do better.
It wasnt just childhood for me. My war with shame started from abandonment and moderate abuse.
It grew as failed to live up to my standards and those of my mother.
My self worth became defined by results and I would blame myself.
Its slowly killing me.
Procastination, Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Caesar or Nothing Thinking, Learned Helplessness. I have all of them.
I was shamed a lot over multiple contexts by my mother , father backed her up. This video really hit home
You are great at describing situations and feelings. Thanks for your contribution!!
I find so much comfort in all of your videos. Even just Patrick's voice is soothing! The content + practical exercises, is an absolute game changer and I feel so supported by just watching all of your videos. I am so grateful, thank you so much 💛🙏💛
I remember my mom saying to me “you have anger issues” and I was punished for it. I love my parents and they did their best , but this created the toxic shame inner dialogue, but I’m an adult and I’m so glad that I am able to give myself what I need to heal.
I was neglected emotionally and not given any life guidance. A psychiatrist commented I miss social cues for conversation. I also have missed opportunities with men as I haven't realised they were chatting me up!😕
Thank you, Patrick. I have been looking for qualified help for these issues since the beginning of the pandemic (had some triggers and ended up in constant hyperarousal). Had an intake by a place yesterday and it went terribly and I left feeling unheard and unseen much like in my childhood. Your videos have not only been a great comfort and help while I've been waiting for the intake I had (I had to wait 5+ months to even be seen), but these new videos have come at a time when I am feeling incredibly vulnerable and alone. My inner child hurts and I feel lost and like it's all up to me to figure myself out, just like all those years ago. Of course with that comes terrible anxiety, bodily pain, shame and overwhelm. Your videos are giving me something for now. Back to searching for someone who does what you do here in the Netherlands! Wish me luck. 🍀 Thank you, Patrick, for making us feel seen and heard.
Thank you - shame by proxy…. This is the result of my mother being overwhelmed by “normal, everyday parenting challenges” - she has major anxiety and my dad was an alcoholic… pray I can do better for my children
being called a slob and why cant i look nicer like otger people.
was being hit by an older boy and the school tried to blame me for it
at 16 my mom/stepdad lost the house and i was blamed for it, simply becasue i was not christian
my mother said flatly that she wanted my brother
yes i did not want people over because of them i also was not allowed to really go over either.
i hate my name :(
my mom drank almost 80oz of beer every night
i use to wrap a blanket around me like a cave, and pretend a stuffed animal was my loving mom
i asked for help with math, they gave me a calculator.
my mom kept me isolated from people hated any friend that liked me, talked trash about them etc.
i was bullied in school, i felt like neither cared nor the school
i dont even feel like an adult
im scared that im doing the same stuff or reliving my trauma on my kid
John Bradshaw is a good resource - he talks about being a loving parent to yourself. ruclips.net/video/QPRMaWHdIgA/видео.html
😥 I am sorry this happened to you. How sad about the cave blanket and stuffed toy. You were trying to save your mind.
AaW, sorry.. that's alot you went through & still.. hugs
this is heartbreaking 😢. sending you a big hug!
My own mother was constantly berating me for any intrusion into her life just like what you are describing. Her worst tirades were always when I was injured or sick so badly that I required parental care. Things like me staying home from school or having to go see the doctor, or things like her her having to spend money on something like an ankle sling or calamine lotion, were almost always a catalyst for one of her grueling rants about how 'bad' me and my father were (despite her and my father divorcing when I was 4 and her having no contact with him at all).
I am so glad that I found your channel. It is always empowering to know that I was not alone and that my mother's behavior was objectively toxic.
I'm still trying to comprehend how incredibly damaging neglect is. I just always thought it was MY fault I couldn't "handle it". I kept being set-up for failure. I felt guilty for being alive, convinced I'm this huge burden. I don't even wanna type out all the things my mom and siblings would say to me, I'd be here too long.
I never realize how cemented shame is for me until recently. It's absolutely toxic, it ruins my life. But it's also hard to describe, because it's normal for me. Shame is why I haven't been able to have a steady income, or really any, for the last 2 years.
I've only turned in 2 projects my entire school life. It never occurred to me, that those were the only ones my dad helped me with. Later he tried to help me with another but I was too shameful to even turn it in.
The shame of failing a grade, the shame of dropping out, the shame of not being able to keep a job, the shame of relying on my partner. Its all too much.
Now all I want to do is just take care of myself and pay my debts. I want to take care of others dear to me BUT not FEEL responsible for them (that's a big thing for me).
I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and it's been life changing. I'm getting more therapy soon and I really really hope to find someone like you
Totally get you. Dealing/dealt with this too. Sorry you had to go through all of that. Wishing you strength and courage.
hi Patrick, thank you so much for this video and your other series. I have SEVERE toxic shame that results in shame attacks all day long. Definitely having to do with having toxic parents and failing at Autistic masking. I don't really have much to say besides thank you and if you would consider making a video on how to find a trauma informed therapist like you that would be immensely helpful.
Completely relate
Totally relate, Paige.
When I get done with this move and into my new house I'm going to rewatch all of these. This is amazing. I can think of so many indirect and neglected shame experiences.
I've recently realised that so much of my anxiety stems from near constant shame, and even feel ashamed of that shame because my mother wasn't abusive like so many others were. But she was depressed and I was sensitive, and I guess I was somewhat emotionally neglected even though I was loved. I'm so glad to have found your channel and your gentle wisdom.
When Patrick says, "May you be well," I feel an instant sense of calm. :)
Never heard of shame by neglect or indirect shame. Wow, both of those have affected my life ! Thank you for this information.
This video has shown me that I am absolutely riddled with shame, up to and including being shamed to even exist. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you, this was such solace.
At 9:02 that thing when a parent fawns like crazy for some of your friends while also trying to get you envious or competitive with them (didn't work), does happen especially when that parent is also a teacher, as it was in my case. Our teacher. Npd borderline math teacher...
When I think about the earlier is with my son it really makes me sad. His father and I had a toxic relationship that more or less recently ended. While I have always tried to come from a place of love and empathy and not shame--but there were definitely times in my weaker more highly triggered moments that I went there with him. I also worry that my own shame toward myself rolled down to him in those earlier years before I had this information. I can only hope that whatever damage was done isn't permanent. He struggles with perfectionism and I can't help but think it's my fault. (Ah, mother guilt - it starts the day you know you're pregnant. At least it did for me.)
I've recently tried to take up telling him how great of a kid he is, how much I appreciate his help around the house, and that the things he thinks that are wrong with him, other people struggle with too. Based on his reactions I'm probably overdoing it. ;) He's a truly wonderful boy. I just want him to know that before it's too late.
I’ve been trying to find a way to explain the challenges I have with my parents for years because they tend to be so covert and I think I’ve finally found my match with the shame through neglect section.
I’ve been basically left to fend for myself with every single big event in my life. I recently over went a serious breakup with my first girlfriend of two years and all i got was one text from my mom asking how I’m dealing with the breakup when I first told her weeks ago. I have always felt so alone dealing with big emotions and have never felt like I had a support system. They have told me I should open up more but I feel frustrated because they never want to initiate any emotional conversations themselves so it always feels really unnatural. Also, I guess because they were never physically abusive or addicts I was tricked into thinking they couldn’t do anything wrong. I know that I need to confront them about this but confrontation is looked down upon so deeply in my family. Thank you for this video
"Shame bazooka" lol so true
I was having real difficulty trying to pinpoint how my parent brought about the toxic shame I suffer from until you dicussed neglect. I think it would have taken me a while, if at all, to get there myself. I can now think of loads of examples I can use to help me understand. Thank you.
Again, great content. That shame by neglect topic body slammed me hard. I had a "oh, that explains so much" moment with that one.
Very helpful, as always. Can you do a video entirely on the scapegoat/golden child family dynamic, and how a person who was primarily the scapegoat can address that trauma and reparent/ heal?
All so difficult to look at but so helpful and therapeutic
I did not even realise how much shame was part of my makeup until you told the story of your thumb accident. When I was about 16, I got ill and then had anaphylactic shock from the antibiotic. My father had moved out of the house by then. I landed in hospital, struggling to breathe and being really, really ill. But the whole day, I spent in shame for having to ask him to take me home afterwards. He was inconvenienced, and very, very angry. And what did I do than exposed me to some infectious disease?! I still have issues with trying to hide illness. Difficult if you are diabetic, with high BP and bouts of vertigo 🤣
Thank you so much for these videos. You are a treasure.
My moms favorite things to say to me my entire life were to compare me to others in a way to put me down and imply I was worthless while also being neglectful and not helping me in the ways normal parents always have to help their children.
Hello my friend, I paused lol meaning lol I'll probably or may make another comment... I wanted to give you a hug as I was listening... When I heard it was a mistake that you were cut and was hurting, It felt as tho a memory sliced across my heart... Please, try and feel our hearts connecting for a moment and know inside that it was in no way a mistake, it was a horrific accident... I've made mistakes I know, I used to carry around one of those pink erasers in my pocket for years to remind myself that it was alright...
I recalled the events that deeply affected me using your exercice and I cried so much. I already did therapy and a lot of work on myself (I think I am an healthy adult for myself), but I still struggled with shame and didnt know why. I think I still didnt really FEEL like it wasnt my fault. I did step 1 and I was so hurt. Then, I did step 2 and finding ways healthy parents would have done different in those traumatic shameful experiences was trully weird and liberating. Something changed in me, I think. I feel like the shame dissolved, or that it just didnt have a purpose to play anymore. Like, the fault came back to them and not me, but I felt it for the first time even if I knew it for a long time. Anyway, thank you for that :) ! I will update this when Ill do step 3.
These videos are incredibly triggering. I’m 18 now and I’ve only just realised how much I was gaslighted. I had an toxic divorce situation in my family, toxic single parent. I love my mother but the things she has said or done may forever haunt me. She was extremely reactive when she was single. Could never be happy in a relationship for too long, but she stayed cause she didn’t want to be alone. When you talk about shame, I relate so much to that emotion cause I never truly knew what it was until now. I feel so ashamed of thoughts and feelings I have now regarding relationships, because I was grown up around- relationships are always hard, never have kids they will ruin you, it’s better to be with someone then to be alone. It feels so fresh but one day I’ll overcome this ❤️
Best channel explaining cluster b parenting, ramifications, explanations and tools to process and recover. Thank you.
I have 3 grown daughters that now have children of their own and I'm struggling with my awareness (been in AA, therapy for eons and support groups), now, of the ways in which I should not have raised them. I identify with a lot of the feelings (I don't remember much before 13) that you lay out and identify with a lot of the toxic parenting that you describe. Being one of those parents is the most shame I'm experiencing. I didn't know how badly I've performed at parenting.
I have a specific memory of what was a stressful situation for 4yr old me and my mother not yelling as usual but was actually kind...I've recently realized how unworthy I felt at the time. It was so foreign, it just didn't feel right.
I’d love to go back and do a better job, I’d ignore my own mother and not take her advice! Yes, I made my own choices and allowed myself to be influenced 😕
“Directly shaming a child…is designed to ‘learn’ them.” Well said.
My abusive mother punished me for excelling at school so I learned not to excel academically. After being told I was smart enough to skip second grade.
I caught the shame from my father, who expected me to preform genius tricks for him. I ended up with .. "I let him down." Pretty toxic stuff.
Thanks for this video!
This series is so good, thank you. I don't want to unload much, but after being hit by a bus (I'd just turned 15) and getting concussion and a dent above my temple, my stepdad said "It's been 2 months already, you should be over it by now" and that has always stuck with me. I think that's the clearest example I can give.
This video is perfect timing! I was just finding myself today "not allowing" myself to wear a new shirt I got, I was trying to figure out why on earth I was telling myself it was wrong and bad to wear the shirt, I really like the shirt. I came up with it felt like I was drawing attention to myself because it has writing on it. But why on earth was it making me feel like crap to consider doing such a thing as draw attention to myself.... then bam I watch this video and remember how drawing attention to myself was NOT OK in my family. I was made to feel shamed into hiding the truth about abuse in the family "what happens here stays here", you can't allow attention of any kind to be on you for fear you will slip up and let the secret out. I was shamed into thinking I must never wear anything that could offend another person, and I must never follow fads in clothing because this was not "appropriate". This sounds so unbelievably messed up realizing this is how I grew up, and realizing this was not ok for my parents to impose on me. So now I need to work through this just to be able to do a simple thing like putting a shirt on without causing a panic and dissociation. I have no obligation to hid myself or worry that I will offend someone who does not like graphic tees! I wonder how long it will take for me to actually believe this.
I think you have identified a trigger