I agree 10000%! I was never good with words coming from a family that ur not allowed to express your feelings in and combined with the toxic ass phrase “but it’s family” leads to a super angry or super abused and taken advantage adult. I am on the angry side myself… which side did everyone else end up? Getting taken advantage of all the time or are u guys always super angry from people using the “but it’s family” excuse
@@Queena90 I’ve been super angry for almost 40 years!! 😤😤 From being used as a punching bag, (by my mom and brother), and forced to bite my tongue. And yeah, my mom would always say “I’m your mother!!”, as an explanation/excuse for her abuse of me 🙄
This is my mom. "I can't stand when my kids fight." And it's always inevitably me who has to brush it off, let it go, get over it. Nothing is EVER discussed and I'm supposed to just forgive and forget. And when I can't or I'm justifiably pissed and upset it turns into "you have a bad heart, a black heart. You don't know how to forgive, you're too sensitive." And now I am filled with resentment and anger and deep deep grief.
This is exactly what I deal with. I used to here,” why can’t you just let that go?” “I can’t believe we’re still talking about this.” “It makes me so sad you’re fighting.” I finally got mad and told my mom,” this has been going on for almost 40 years. How do you let go of something when the other person got away with it and still does. It makes you uncomfortable… really. I’m done being uncomfortable so other people are “comfortable.” That is so selfish to expect that. And it is awful, but should have been dealt with when we were children bc it’s toxic.” By the way…. I know it was a waste of breath because it didn’t sink in. But I felt I needed to say it anyways. I’m mean now because I refuse to accept the abuse. I’m trying to not be a people pleaser and it makes me angry it’s expected of me. :-(
OMG! Mine too. I just lost my soul mate and I;m gutted and my mom is completely ignored the fact that I'm grieving but she is yelling at me telling me to call my sister in law who has cancer but won't return any my calls , texts, etc even pre- cancer. I was in the process of relocating and sold my house when my partner died so I have to live here until I find another house. It's a nightmare! Thank God for a really nice municipal library in the neighborhood. Right now it's 7:38 pm and I'm sitting in a McDonald's. You see, fast food is not all bad! lol I feel so much anxiety but hey! at least we now know what it's called. TRIANGULATION! God help us. People should be mentally assessed before being allowed to have kids.
1 million percent! It took me the longest time, and videos like these, to realize that you can't get your point across to someone who isn't listening. It's still really hard to remember, But I've gotten much better at asserting myself now that I'm not trying to win people over beforehand
This is so helpful. I never understood why some family members, friends and coworkers try so hard to involve themselves in things with me that have nothing to do with them. To feel in control and maintain a false sense of closeness. - WOW.
This has been my lifetime problem with my aunties. Whenever I would have the simplest argument with my mom they would put themselves in the middle and dramatise the events to the point of physically assaulting me. It’s horrific and it has done a lot of damage to myself esteem.
Thank you for this, it really helps to see someone in a “real” situation and hear their words. I feel it will be easier for me to know how to set boundaries after watching this 🙏🙏🙏
I agree… Yet the insights from the skits frighten me, not all, but quite a few. As I watch, J see myself in the reflection of their teaching and shat I see is, frankly terrifying and ugly. I have to force myself to watch and review. I knew we .. ( my family and our dynamics had issues…. But I had absolutely no idea just how deep they ran or how ingrained these harmful reactions and patterns were within ME (the mom) of now grown children. I knew I grew up in a sick mess but had REALLY tried to not bring those issues into my family as I raised my children. It did not help that my husband and the father of my children was a full blown alcoholic and drug addict by the age of 21 who would, many years later, lose his life to his captor. Early in my marriage, I soon learned to try and nail down every crazy situation that came up and there was an endless supply. I thought I was a stable, responsible parent… acting in the best interest of my children. 🙄 I was well aware I failed far more than I wanted, and I tried all the harder, but often in the wrong ways. Now I am beginning to see I remained a really big mess, …. Still am . It is a very painful realization. .. the harm I passed on to my precious children and continued in myself. -I have to “own it”.. even if I don’t yet fully comprehend it all. But I will get there. Yet, that doesn’t change things. I must set on the path of true healthy change, which requires knowledge., true understanding and practicing what I learn. It’s mighty late, but I can only go from where I am. Your channel will equip me in many ways…. I am TRYING to take your skits in . It is a lot, but has to be done…, and I desire to learn and change while I still can. Good intentions do not always result in good results. Sigh. I am brand new here…. Thank you so much for these skits…. I am seeing just how much harm I have brought to the table with my family, whom I love so very much. I truly wanted to and thought I was helping, when, often I was only making matters worse. I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN /re-learn. And I am far from young… But… gonna try my best. Please continue the skits…. Nothing has opened my eyes more.
@@gigics6695 At least you are trying to change because you see you are the problem from learned behaviours.. but problems all the same. Most people can't handle the hard truth. I respect that.
I've had this exact conversation at least half a dozen times and it doesn't sink in...Someone on another account about C-PTSD said that boundaries are not about the other person's behavior, they're about what YOU are going to do the next time it happens. I can't keep having this conversation for the rest of my life!
When your boundaries aren’t respected, the last frontier is distance. Controlling how much or how little these people have access to you is the only reasonable consequence you can set… but they can’t keep sucking the life out of you if you stop handing them the straw.
Don't feel too bad. For me it came from being made responsible for everything in my relationship dynamics and me being clueless to set a boundary on taking on other people's responsibilities to manage their own lives and relationships. I'm lucky my partner burnt me out with all that responsibility and now I don't spend my time reminding him to reach out to friends or make up with his family. He'll do it if he wants to and I get peace of mind and more time to focus on what I need to do.
These videos are helping explain my choices to family members that previously though I was out of pocket for saying almost exactly what you said. Thank you. You're helping people understand and fix generation trauma and helping break those bad behaviors and acknowledge there was issues.
My mom would drag me into her fights w my siblings and when I’d instead try to get her to see their side of the argument, her response would be sumptin like “oh, look at the lawyer”. I was 12, the first time she called me that, w her sarcastic tone & eye roll…we once again aren’t speaking. This has been my life for almost 5 decades and normally I’d go crying back if we fought but last few years I just cannot do it. Being an alphabet game playing empath w ADHD & OCD & PTSD (CPTSD) doesn’t help matters. 🕊️ 🤗
Mediation is a career in legal practices. Civil court cases will go to a Mediator before getting I front of a judge. So now you’re the bad person for mediating a conflict? You don’t deserve to be undermined for seeing both sides and defending both loved ones. If you’re the lawyer then I guess we know who the offender/guilty one is, don’t we? 🤔 Your mother trying to make you pick sides between her own children and herself is manipulation and abuse. If you don’t want to pick sides, that is a perfect boundary for yourself.
I love how clearly explained these videos are-it’s hard to understand these psychological concepts without seeing how it operates in the context of real, interpersonal interactions.
These skits are brilliant, and I really appreciate them. Thank you for sharing these insights, and for modeling what healthy communication looks like in relationships.
I've known for a long time that setting boundaries is something I need to learn. But this is the first example I've seen on how to do it! THANK YOU!!! 💜 😊 🙏
I have an aunt like this. She always starts conflicts and brings 2 or more unrelated ppl into the drama, so it becomes their problem. Almost all of my uncles (her brothers + my dad) have cut her off due to this behavior. For some reason she's the only one in the family that does that (that i know of at least). She is the QUEEN of triangulation. She's awful at taking accountability, and is a little bit narcissistic. None of my cousins (including me and my sister) like her, cuz shes also very loud about having favorite. Every few years it switches around and one cousin is called the favorite. But no one actually likes being the favorite. The pressure builds up and u know u can never live up to it irl, so u just suck it up until she moves on to having a new favorite. As cousins, we all bond over the fact that our aunty is toxic as hell lol. Im jist glad that she lives on the other side of the world (Australia) so we dont gave to deal with her.
“…to maintain a false sense of closeness…” THAT explains the missing or not-quite-settling/uncomfortable and most difficult part!!! Not just for those in the mom “part”, but also for both us and our confidantes, allies, supporters, etc., emphasis on ‘false’ as being involved without being pushing in this manner would likely be foreign/unknown -> scary -> unsupported = insecure feelings -> blah, etc. Thank you!!
I know that this video’s focus is mainly on the codependency aspect, but I’ve been learning a lot about how my vocabulary or the way I arrange my words impact the other person. I currently identify more strongly with the perpetrator(?) (although other days I identify more with the boundary-setting party) and the wording here: “Telling someone to do something without awareness of their feelings lacks empathy.” This. This hit the nail right on the head. I’ve been struggling immensely with empathy, even in the minute details. It seems this flaw of mine seeps into nearly all aspects of my life. It’s been very difficult to confront this, and discover just how deeply the issues are entrenched. Thank you @TheHolisticPsychologist ! Your videos/skits are an immense boon for someone like me who struggles with even the slightest emotional exploration.
Great to see one person in the comments considering they may be contributing to a problem... Taking responsibility... Very courageous. Self blame is not needed... But to try to become aware of what we are doing ourselves and might do differently could be very helpful... Without blaming anyone... I think I was "guilty" of this too in my family. Even if I didn't know better back then because I was a child, but even at a later age trying to mediate, this makes it a bit clearer why that doesn't work. To anyone blaming their parents, they probably also didn't know any better. But that doesn't mean the anger isn't allowed to exist
@@tntl7 Thank you for saying that and thank you for your understanding. I’m still struggling with my journey and have a long way to go but I want to be a better person and I want to stop hurting those around me. I want to be proud of the person that I am and will keep putting one foot in front of the next. To all those out there: don’t give up! You’re stronger than you think and have more power than you know. It’s never too late to try-take it from someone who’s starting from scratch in their 30s and ticks multiple neurodivergent boxes.
For some reason most of my friends are elderly, and you know how it is expected a young person always have to respect someone who is like a parent or grandparent to them always keep me off the tip of my boundaries sometimes. I always overthink what is the creative way of explaining or better way to refuse what they insist on me without getting them offended😮💨 if the word of saying NO is not accepted.
I experienced much of this in my family. 🙏🙌 I am grateful to have learned how to set healthy boundaries and walk away when there is no respect or support.
This content is stellar. A related book I read had a transformative impact on me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you for posting about the book. It's a must for me to get. Setting boundaries is proving difficult as I'm getting so much push back, it's distressing.
Its what my MIL does. Never knew about it before knowing my in laws for a couple years. Someones always telling her about some sort of beef they're having, and she's always going to that person and telling them shit, making slight twists in the truth, and now she's somehow part of the drama and fanned the flames. It looks exhausting.
This demonstration is an eye opener for me. I have always been emotionally manipulated by my family. When that happens I just know something is wrong but cannot stop or would not know the solution. I was very weak and could not say no or protect myself! I would sometimes beg my family members to help me when others abuse me! Mostly the help would be to tell them ( whoever is abusing me) to stop hurting me but they never helped me. Now I stand up for myself and learn to say no. Trying my best to learn to set boundaries. Thank you
I love this! I’ve got big issues with rejection sensitivity and setting boundaries. I’ve recently realised that people don’t like you setting boundaries. I’ve had a close friend try to tell I’m a terrible friend and I’ll lose everyone. While I know I’ve been drifting from some people as I’ve changed my priorities. I found I have true friends who are there for me no matter what. So I don’t mind drifting from some people. It really hurt me what they said, but after a while I realised it’s not their job to maintain my relationships!
I'm glad I barely know what you are talking about. I guess my family didn't do that. But now that I'm involved with another family. I'm pretty confused with the lack of boundaries they have!
I needed this.. I have not been on speaking terms with my grandfather due to his drinking issues, and my mother and grandmother have both tried to involve themselves. The triangulation makes so much sense
I love these videos so much! I was so fortunate to unpack these patterns in my own family with the help of great therapists. But so many young people can't access therapeutic relationships. Thank you.
Hello! You are doing a very good job with these role playing in shorts! These real life examples help people to figure out relationships and set boundaries
Wow 😮!!!! I needed to hear this right now !! Triangulation..and manipulation over my feelings ! When the manipulation person involved should grow some and face her convictions!! Thank you …this is so right 😊
if you end up seeing this i do thank you for helping me on my journey of finding and breaking a lot of unhealthy dynamics within myself and every relationship i have left.
You just explained my family to a tee. My business is everybody’s, and then they have the nerve to tell me what I need to do, and then get vindictive if I don’t do it. They don’t respect anyone’s boundaries, because they know everything. 🙄 When I call them out for being manipulative, they spin it around and say you’re manipulating me to get involved. It never ends with these sick individuals thinking they are the normal ones, and everybody is jealous of them. 😂
Oh oh I grew up with this and so did my partner. I have to remember to make sure we consider the other person's feelings. We both have co-dependency. Also this definitely comes from a place of being the woman in a relationship dynamic where she is tasked with being responsible for the social load. I told my partner I was burned out and needed him to take care of his own mental load. Now I've got to stop aiding him in abdicating his responsibilities to reach out to his friends and family without me prodding him. Thank you holistic psychologist!
This is my family of origin I JUST STARTED SPEAKING UP (SINCE BEING A YOUNG TEEN AND BECOMING THE BLACK SHEEP) AGAIN/ CREATING BOUNDARIES RECENTLY. I HAD TO DETACH COMPLETELY THE LAST FEW YEARS. GIVING IT A GO AGAIN ... UUGGHHHH
Oof i am definitely guilty of this but mostly because i seem to the only one who understand both my mother's language amd my sister's which are very different and often leads to miscommunications or misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments. Playing the middle man seems to be the only way to regulate them to get them to see eye to eye
The way I handle it when my twin teens fight is to encourage them to work it out together without me taking a side. I’m happy to mediate, but I really try hard to stay neutral. They are always able to work it out themselves.
My god i actually live this. Im there for 10 minutes and the triangulation begins. Im 56. My dad is bothered by my swearing. Every time he says something, it makes me swear more. My bad. Then my mom swears and he says "look what you've done" like its a contagious condition.
There is a difference between this and simply asking someone to do something for a friend that you know they are capable of doing far more efficiently than you. That's an ask not manipulation or triangulation. It would be manipulation or triangulation if you talked to someone first and made a promise that someone else would do something you haven't even discussed with them yet or got in the middle of a disagreement. I recently asked someone if they would do something for a mutual friend that I know they can do pretty easily because the other person has mentioned having trouble getting that thing done so I was asking if they would be able to help. I was accused of triangulation and control. I don't agree. If someone can't be thoughtful and ask a friend to help another friend as a surprise with a task then I feel there's an issue.
THANK you. I was looking for this. I absolutely believe that trying to genuinely help a friend or family, assuming you are in a healthy and appropriate position to do so, ISNT "triangulation". Mediators or therapists that give advice, are a thing for a reason. Getting *help* sorting out a disagreement isnt bad. I believe that if its FORCED or unsolicited is when its bad. Like, you have the right to disregard any or all advice someone gives you. If they fight with you about that, THEN its *definitely* triangulation.
It may have unintended consequences though even if the intent is just to help. For example that the people directly involved don't learn to sort out their own things directly for themselves or between each other. Trying to influence something that happens between two others without those people asking for your advice (yes unsolicited, as you say), does feel a bit like pulling strings in a web, you don't know what other strings will move along with them
This actually hurt to see and hear, because I deal with this CONSTANTLY. Everyone wants me to apologize, to reconcile, to make up with X or Y or Z because, 'they're hurting and upset that you won't talk to them.' OH *forehead slap* of course! My feelings, thoughts, opinions and boundaries are either meaningless or non-existent, ergo, *I* have to be the one to make up and take the fall. I finally have given up. They want to hate or blame me for what happened or will happen, that's on them. But they'll have to pull some serious mental gymnastics when I don't show up. If I'm not there, it is gonna be a lot harder to blame me for what *does* happen. But that's their issue: they can deal - or not, cause I already know they'll find a way to blame me. I just don't care anymore.
I told just last week to my aunt “please don’t get in my business, we both know I will continue to do what I want to do and you don’t want to have to fight with me. Because you know I’m more stubborn then you and pretty much everyone in this family. Took your opinion in mind. Suggestions are welcome but do not try to tell me what to do. Ever.” And she agreed I got a point, all of my family are stubborn, and ND I’m just with extra spice
I disagree with listening to just one side of conflict or forcing someone to do anything, but I'm fascinated about the family dynamics in that person's home, because their triangulation differs a lot from mine. It looks more like they are a bad parent forcing the older child to "be nice to their little sibling". I feel immense fear whenever someone in my surroundings argue, I'm gonna think about that argument at night, in my own space and wonder how do I feel about the friends. Do I betray one if I'm chill with another? Do I have to choose? If I do I have to know all the details anyway, does this count as the triangulation still? What if I'm next? How will this conflict change my life? I really like how you spread knowledge, before therapy I was doing this automatically, called it "mediating" and didn't see any other option. If you do this(even if listening to both sides) I feel you so much, but it's not really respectful thing to do and not worth your energy anyway.
The problem is when you explain things like that, from a psychological perspective the other one looks at you as if you were an alien to say the least and says What are you talking about and will keep going, or will laugh in your face and ridicule you or will say that you're crazy and in the worst case scenario that will do all of these in one go, they don't care.
My daughter is 7 now, and my mother is laying on the triangulation and manipulation, hard. So I’ve started limiting their time alone together (very hard to do when I was working online from her home, but I changed that too) and I taught my daughter to say, “Mama wants to have these conversations together as a family.” And to stick to repeating it whenever she feels uncomfortable. My mother’s head has been continually exploding since then, but that isn’t my responsibility. She can tell I’m coaching my daughter and cannot understand why - even though I explain calmly over and over that I cannot help resolve things if all conversations happen when I’m working, therefore, the best thing is to have all conversations when I can be present. It’s still hard on my daughter, but she knows I am committed to standing between her and anything that makes her uncomfortable. (I’m not talking about normal life stuff that she needs to learn, I’m talking about unhealthy adult family dynamics.) And we are making other changes to limit interactions.
yup .... my dad called me, when ever there was trouble between my mom and me, saying I needed to appologise. Glad those days are over, now we stopped communicating completely.
That's so funny bc I was just saying last night that I have no idea how families are supposed to be. Bc mine feels like watching a bravo reality show - unhealthy and addicted to drama and I want to stop and unsure if that's distance or what about my own behavior and actions to change
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a great book that touches on this! These videos help me communicate how I feel about situations to my mam. My sister and I relate a lot to these and we're trying to help her to understand that her own feelings are valid among the generational dysfunction we're all dealing with! My mam has started to realize bits and pieces that are holding her back and weighing on her mind. Remember, how you approach this with someone is important. You could have a laugh about it, then lead into a conversation, or just say it gently. Make sure that you approach it calmly, wanting resolution. Feeling scorned and vindicated may lead to the other person feeling attacked or blamed, depending on your approach. Reaffirm that you want a healthier way of dealing with things because you value the person so much and want the best result possible for a happy, healthy relationship 💙 That said, remember to admit when you're wrong and listen to the other person's concerns too. Most things can just simply be misunderstandings or a miscommunication!
Lol if I try to rationalise my side to my mother, she still hits the roof (probably more so) screams at me and calls me selfish. I see her once a year and the last time I was home I had an epiphany: she can't stand it when I have my own feelings and I'm not allowed to have my own feelings and never was. If I cried, it would make her angry or turn into a competition as to who had it worse. Having my own feelings has always been selfish. Now everyone in my life, work and men take advantage of my people pleasing because I don't have boundaries. Even when I try to establish them, no one respects them. I'm often told, "Oh you're too nice" . But I'm resentful, I'm not nice. And I'm a perfectionist and horrible to myself. Therapy starts Monday thanks to content like this, I am now realising why I am the way I am and that it doesn't have to remain this way forever.
I'm living the hole situation right now, and it would be so impossible to say that to my mom: just the fact of affirming my boundaries is very not fine for her and it become a scandal 😅 Still looking for an appartment and i'm also in touch with social workers so it won't be too long before i could take some distance 🍀✨️ Anyways, thank you for your support 😉 and mostly for your videos With kindness and respect 🌸
If a mom has to tell a kid to apologize to a sibling, i think the sibling should admit the difference between boundaries and manipulating the rest of the family due to their avoidance issues. There is a difference and not every person who wants peace in a family does it with malicious intent.
well done! people dont know how to repel manipulators bc they dont have the instantaneous word track to use ie think on your feet conversation...I have departed relationships with both my sisters bc they DONT respect my feelings or requests at all.
I don't rly set healthy boundaries, but when ppl do sth like that, I kinda immediately shut off and don't wanna do what I probably planned to do anyway (and as a stubborn person, I usually stand my ground.... but as a slight soft hearted person, there's probably been quite a few times where I've folded too)
I love skits. It’s helpful to see concepts demonstrated in real life situation examples.
So glad you're finding the skits helpful LittleLulubee!
Incredibly helpful skits. So grateful ❤
I concur 100%
I agree 10000%! I was never good with words coming from a family that ur not allowed to express your feelings in and combined with the toxic ass phrase “but it’s family” leads to a super angry or super abused and taken advantage adult. I am on the angry side myself… which side did everyone else end up? Getting taken advantage of all the time or are u guys always super angry from people using the “but it’s family” excuse
@@Queena90 I’ve been super angry for almost 40 years!! 😤😤 From being used as a punching bag, (by my mom and brother), and forced to bite my tongue. And yeah, my mom would always say “I’m your mother!!”, as an explanation/excuse for her abuse of me 🙄
This is my mom. "I can't stand when my kids fight." And it's always inevitably me who has to brush it off, let it go, get over it. Nothing is EVER discussed and I'm supposed to just forgive and forget. And when I can't or I'm justifiably pissed and upset it turns into "you have a bad heart, a black heart. You don't know how to forgive, you're too sensitive." And now I am filled with resentment and anger and deep deep grief.
Sounds like Mom didn't realize how she raised her children
This is exactly what I deal with. I used to here,” why can’t you just let that go?”
“I can’t believe we’re still talking about this.” “It makes me so sad you’re fighting.”
I finally got mad and told my mom,” this has been going on for almost 40 years. How do you let go of something when the other person got away with it and still does. It makes you uncomfortable… really. I’m done being uncomfortable so other people are “comfortable.” That is so selfish to expect that. And it is awful, but should have been dealt with when we were children bc it’s toxic.”
By the way…. I know it was a waste of breath because it didn’t sink in. But I felt I needed to say it anyways. I’m mean now because I refuse to accept the abuse. I’m trying to not be a people pleaser and it makes me angry it’s expected of me. :-(
OMG! Mine too. I just lost my soul mate and I;m gutted and my mom is completely ignored the fact that I'm grieving but she is yelling at me telling me to call my sister in law who has cancer but won't return any my calls , texts, etc even pre- cancer. I was in the process of relocating and sold my house when my partner died so I have to live here until I find another house. It's a nightmare! Thank God for a really nice municipal library in the neighborhood.
Right now it's 7:38 pm and I'm sitting in a McDonald's. You see, fast food is not all bad! lol
I feel so much anxiety but hey! at least we now know what it's called. TRIANGULATION! God help us. People should be mentally assessed before being allowed to have kids.
That’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t have a black heart. I’m sorry.
@@violetwhite1450OH... sending hugs, you're extremely brave💜
I love how you show that the other person still doesn’t get it. It’s so realistic
That’s perfect because it helps to realize our power lies in us, not the other person.
It’s still hard tho, you’re definitely right abt that!
1 million percent! It took me the longest time, and videos like these, to realize that you can't get your point across to someone who isn't listening. It's still really hard to remember, But I've gotten much better at asserting myself now that I'm not trying to win people over beforehand
This is so helpful. I never understood why some family members, friends and coworkers try so hard to involve themselves in things with me that have nothing to do with them. To feel in control and maintain a false sense of closeness. - WOW.
This has been my lifetime problem with my aunties. Whenever I would have the simplest argument with my mom they would put themselves in the middle and dramatise the events to the point of physically assaulting me. It’s horrific and it has done a lot of damage to myself esteem.
I realize how much my family triangulates
My doctor used this word once and it was like a lightbulb went off 💡
Thank you for this, it really helps to see someone in a “real” situation and hear their words. I feel it will be easier for me to know how to set boundaries after watching this 🙏🙏🙏
I'm so glad you found it helpful Brenda!
I cannot stress how much I LOVE this “shorts”, they give you important concepts with examples. Please keep doing them, they are very helpful 🎉
Bump♡
I agree…
Yet the insights from the skits frighten me, not all, but quite a few. As I watch, J see myself in the reflection of their teaching and shat I see is, frankly terrifying and ugly. I have to force myself to watch and review. I knew we .. ( my family and our dynamics had issues…. But I had absolutely no idea just how deep they ran or how ingrained these harmful reactions and patterns were within ME (the mom) of now grown children. I knew I grew up in a sick mess but had REALLY tried to not bring those issues into my family as I raised my children. It did not help that my husband and the father of my children was a full blown alcoholic and drug addict by the age of 21 who would, many years later, lose his life to his captor. Early in my marriage, I soon learned to try and nail down every crazy situation that came up and there was an endless supply. I thought I was a stable, responsible parent… acting in the best interest of my children. 🙄 I was well aware I failed far more than I wanted, and I tried all the harder, but often in the wrong ways. Now I am beginning to see I remained a really big mess, …. Still am . It is a very painful realization. .. the harm I passed on to my precious children and continued in myself. -I have to “own it”.. even if I don’t yet fully comprehend it all. But I will get there. Yet, that doesn’t change things. I must set on the path of true healthy change, which requires knowledge., true understanding and practicing what I learn. It’s mighty late, but I can only go from where I am. Your channel will equip me in many ways…. I am TRYING to take your skits in . It is a lot, but has to be done…, and I desire to learn and change while I still can. Good intentions do not always result in good results. Sigh.
I am brand new here…. Thank you so much for these skits…. I am seeing
just how much harm I have brought to the table with my family, whom I love so very much. I truly wanted to and thought I was helping, when, often I was only making matters worse.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN /re-learn. And I am far from young… But… gonna try my best. Please continue the skits…. Nothing has opened my eyes more.
@@gigics6695 At least you are trying to change because you see you are the problem from learned behaviours..
but problems all the same. Most people can't handle the hard truth. I respect that.
I've had this exact conversation at least half a dozen times and it doesn't sink in...Someone on another account about C-PTSD said that boundaries are not about the other person's behavior, they're about what YOU are going to do the next time it happens. I can't keep having this conversation for the rest of my life!
When your boundaries aren’t respected, the last frontier is distance. Controlling how much or how little these people have access to you is the only reasonable consequence you can set… but they can’t keep sucking the life out of you if you stop handing them the straw.
Omg, I think I do this. I don’t have a partner or any children, but I suppose I better start working on this problem before I do.
That is so great! Best of luck with getting the closeness you need in a a better way ❤
Don't feel too bad. For me it came from being made responsible for everything in my relationship dynamics and me being clueless to set a boundary on taking on other people's responsibilities to manage their own lives and relationships.
I'm lucky my partner burnt me out with all that responsibility and now I don't spend my time reminding him to reach out to friends or make up with his family. He'll do it if he wants to and I get peace of mind and more time to focus on what I need to do.
These videos are helping explain my choices to family members that previously though I was out of pocket for saying almost exactly what you said. Thank you. You're helping people understand and fix generation trauma and helping break those bad behaviors and acknowledge there was issues.
My mom would drag me into her fights w my siblings and when I’d instead try to get her to see their side of the argument, her response would be sumptin like “oh, look at the lawyer”. I was 12, the first time she called me that, w her sarcastic tone & eye roll…we once again aren’t speaking. This has been my life for almost 5 decades and normally I’d go crying back if we fought but last few years I just cannot do it. Being an alphabet game playing empath w ADHD & OCD & PTSD (CPTSD) doesn’t help matters. 🕊️ 🤗
Mediation is a career in legal practices. Civil court cases will go to a Mediator before getting I front of a judge. So now you’re the bad person for mediating a conflict? You don’t deserve to be undermined for seeing both sides and defending both loved ones.
If you’re the lawyer then I guess we know who the offender/guilty one is, don’t we? 🤔
Your mother trying to make you pick sides between her own children and herself is manipulation and abuse. If you don’t want to pick sides, that is a perfect boundary for yourself.
I love to see more videos about triangulation!
I never had a "word" for that before.
Why is word in quotes?
Gossip, it's called triangulation because person would target one and kind of do plenty of triangles for that one target , maybe years
I love how clearly explained these videos are-it’s hard to understand these psychological concepts without seeing how it operates in the context of real, interpersonal interactions.
This is the first time I’ve heard of this concept on this way and it made me realize I’m guilty of it and so is most of my family. Thanks for posting.
These skits are brilliant, and I really appreciate them. Thank you for sharing these insights, and for modeling what healthy communication looks like in relationships.
I've known for a long time that setting boundaries is something I need to learn.
But this is the first example I've seen on how to do it!
THANK YOU!!! 💜 😊 🙏
I have an aunt like this. She always starts conflicts and brings 2 or more unrelated ppl into the drama, so it becomes their problem. Almost all of my uncles (her brothers + my dad) have cut her off due to this behavior. For some reason she's the only one in the family that does that (that i know of at least). She is the QUEEN of triangulation. She's awful at taking accountability, and is a little bit narcissistic. None of my cousins (including me and my sister) like her, cuz shes also very loud about having favorite. Every few years it switches around and one cousin is called the favorite. But no one actually likes being the favorite. The pressure builds up and u know u can never live up to it irl, so u just suck it up until she moves on to having a new favorite. As cousins, we all bond over the fact that our aunty is toxic as hell lol. Im jist glad that she lives on the other side of the world (Australia) so we dont gave to deal with her.
Roleplaying is one of the best teachers to help us understand!!! Love from Australia 🦘😎👍
“…to maintain a false sense of closeness…”
THAT explains the missing or not-quite-settling/uncomfortable and most difficult part!!!
Not just for those in the mom “part”, but also for both us and our confidantes, allies, supporters, etc., emphasis on ‘false’ as being involved without being pushing in this manner would likely be foreign/unknown -> scary -> unsupported = insecure feelings -> blah, etc.
Thank you!!
I know that this video’s focus is mainly on the codependency aspect, but I’ve been learning a lot about how my vocabulary or the way I arrange my words impact the other person. I currently identify more strongly with the perpetrator(?) (although other days I identify more with the boundary-setting party) and the wording here:
“Telling someone to do something without awareness of their feelings lacks empathy.”
This. This hit the nail right on the head. I’ve been struggling immensely with empathy, even in the minute details. It seems this flaw of mine seeps into nearly all aspects of my life. It’s been very difficult to confront this, and discover just how deeply the issues are entrenched.
Thank you @TheHolisticPsychologist ! Your videos/skits are an immense boon for someone like me who struggles with even the slightest emotional exploration.
Great to see one person in the comments considering they may be contributing to a problem... Taking responsibility... Very courageous. Self blame is not needed... But to try to become aware of what we are doing ourselves and might do differently could be very helpful... Without blaming anyone...
I think I was "guilty" of this too in my family. Even if I didn't know better back then because I was a child, but even at a later age trying to mediate, this makes it a bit clearer why that doesn't work. To anyone blaming their parents, they probably also didn't know any better. But that doesn't mean the anger isn't allowed to exist
@@tntl7 Thank you for saying that and thank you for your understanding. I’m still struggling with my journey and have a long way to go but I want to be a better person and I want to stop hurting those around me. I want to be proud of the person that I am and will keep putting one foot in front of the next.
To all those out there: don’t give up! You’re stronger than you think and have more power than you know. It’s never too late to try-take it from someone who’s starting from scratch in their 30s and ticks multiple neurodivergent boxes.
Love to see more life examples like these around the topics y'all discuss on the podcast
Of course Clarity!
For some reason most of my friends are elderly, and you know how it is expected a young person always have to respect someone who is like a parent or grandparent to them always keep me off the tip of my boundaries sometimes.
I always overthink what is the creative way of explaining or better way to refuse what they insist on me without getting them offended😮💨 if the word of saying NO is not accepted.
I experienced much of this in my family. 🙏🙌 I am grateful to have learned how to set healthy boundaries and walk away when there is no respect or support.
This content is stellar. A related book I read had a transformative impact on me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you for posting about the book. It's a must for me to get.
Setting boundaries is proving difficult as I'm getting so much push back, it's distressing.
Holy shit…this is what my family does. I never knew how to describe it, I just knew I hated it. Triangulation… I'm going to research it more.
Its what my MIL does. Never knew about it before knowing my in laws for a couple years. Someones always telling her about some sort of beef they're having, and she's always going to that person and telling them shit, making slight twists in the truth, and now she's somehow part of the drama and fanned the flames. It looks exhausting.
As someone with ASD someone actually being honest about their feelings in a situation like this would help me so much and it have no idea
We need to learn these skills at school!
This demonstration is an eye opener for me. I have always been emotionally manipulated by my family. When that happens I just know something is wrong but cannot stop or would not know the solution. I was very weak and could not say no or protect myself! I would sometimes beg my family members to help me when others abuse me! Mostly the help would be to tell them ( whoever is abusing me) to stop hurting me but they never helped me. Now I stand up for myself and learn to say no. Trying my best to learn to set boundaries.
Thank you
Triangulation is HELL!! I realized my husband does this a lot to help his case.
Holy sh!t this 30 second clip is my whole life. There is a word for this?!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I love this! I’ve got big issues with rejection sensitivity and setting boundaries. I’ve recently realised that people don’t like you setting boundaries. I’ve had a close friend try to tell I’m a terrible friend and I’ll lose everyone.
While I know I’ve been drifting from some people as I’ve changed my priorities. I found I have true friends who are there for me no matter what. So I don’t mind drifting from some people. It really hurt me what they said, but after a while I realised it’s not their job to maintain my relationships!
I'm glad I barely know what you are talking about. I guess my family didn't do that. But now that I'm involved with another family. I'm pretty confused with the lack of boundaries they have!
Your clips have effectively found a place in my noggin. I’m grateful to you for making them.
I like how you explain these in almost a cartoon format!
I needed this.. I have not been on speaking terms with my grandfather due to his drinking issues, and my mother and grandmother have both tried to involve themselves. The triangulation makes so much sense
THIS. Thank you for finally giving me the language I can use to communicate exactly what’s going on here. Thank you.
Gosh! You really got me with "a false sense of closeness..." 😮💨🙈
Excellent, thank you. I can see how this even applies at work, even with interdepartmental incidents (minor and major)
I love these videos so much! I was so fortunate to unpack these patterns in my own family with the help of great therapists. But so many young people can't access therapeutic relationships. Thank you.
I now see I do this. Thanks for helping me become aware of something I didn’t realize. Definitely going to work on this.
Oh my god, now I can put a label to something I didn’t even know had a definition! Thank you!
Hello! You are doing a very good job with these role playing in shorts! These real life examples help people to figure out relationships and set boundaries
I will respect other people's boundaries and I will keep my own up
I wish this was part of communication skills at school, this is so important
Wow 😮!!!! I needed to hear this right now !! Triangulation..and manipulation over my feelings ! When the manipulation person involved should grow some and face her convictions!! Thank you …this is so right 😊
This video resonates sooooo much with the family life 🙏
if you end up seeing this i do thank you for helping me on my journey of finding and breaking a lot of unhealthy dynamics within myself and every relationship i have left.
I am jotting this down, word by word
My husband tries to micromanage me with my daughters. Wish he’d stop it
Learn about setting boundaries STAT ! You will teach your daughters a life long lesson and save yourself much future suffering.
Whoa what?! I didnt even realize that apparently Im terrible at setting boundaries! This explains so much!😅
You just explained my family to a tee. My business is everybody’s, and then they have the nerve to tell me what I need to do, and then get vindictive if I don’t do it. They don’t respect anyone’s boundaries, because they know everything. 🙄
When I call them out for being manipulative, they spin it around and say you’re manipulating me to get involved. It never ends with these sick individuals thinking they are the normal ones, and everybody is jealous of them. 😂
Amazing concept, please educate people as much as possible, knowledge is only way to develop and grow. Thank you 🙏
Oh oh I grew up with this and so did my partner. I have to remember to make sure we consider the other person's feelings. We both have co-dependency. Also this definitely comes from a place of being the woman in a relationship dynamic where she is tasked with being responsible for the social load. I told my partner I was burned out and needed him to take care of his own mental load. Now I've got to stop aiding him in abdicating his responsibilities to reach out to his friends and family without me prodding him. Thank you holistic psychologist!
This is my family of origin I JUST STARTED SPEAKING UP (SINCE BEING A YOUNG TEEN AND BECOMING THE BLACK SHEEP) AGAIN/ CREATING BOUNDARIES RECENTLY. I HAD TO DETACH COMPLETELY THE LAST FEW YEARS. GIVING IT A GO AGAIN ... UUGGHHHH
Oof i am definitely guilty of this but mostly because i seem to the only one who understand both my mother's language amd my sister's which are very different and often leads to miscommunications or misunderstandings and unnecessary arguments. Playing the middle man seems to be the only way to regulate them to get them to see eye to eye
I love these. This is my family.
Thank you for sharing.
These are great - please do more of them, thank you!!!!
Oh my God I have a word for it now thank you. I have extended family and they all do this is chaos lmao
The way I handle it when my twin teens fight is to encourage them to work it out together without me taking a side. I’m happy to mediate, but I really try hard to stay neutral. They are always able to work it out themselves.
My god i actually live this. Im there for 10 minutes and the triangulation begins. Im 56. My dad is bothered by my swearing. Every time he says something, it makes me swear more. My bad. Then my mom swears and he says "look what you've done" like its a contagious condition.
Always great videos! Shows how these things can play out! TY❤
Your videos are my life. I swear
You are saving my life. ❤ Thank you.
WOW I SO APPRECIATE THIS WORK YOU ARE DOING!
There is a difference between this and simply asking someone to do something for a friend that you know they are capable of doing far more efficiently than you. That's an ask not manipulation or triangulation. It would be manipulation or triangulation if you talked to someone first and made a promise that someone else would do something you haven't even discussed with them yet or got in the middle of a disagreement. I recently asked someone if they would do something for a mutual friend that I know they can do pretty easily because the other person has mentioned having trouble getting that thing done so I was asking if they would be able to help. I was accused of triangulation and control. I don't agree. If someone can't be thoughtful and ask a friend to help another friend as a surprise with a task then I feel there's an issue.
THANK you.
I was looking for this.
I absolutely believe that trying to genuinely help a friend or family, assuming you are in a healthy and appropriate position to do so, ISNT "triangulation". Mediators or therapists that give advice, are a thing for a reason. Getting *help* sorting out a disagreement isnt bad.
I believe that if its FORCED or unsolicited is when its bad. Like, you have the right to disregard any or all advice someone gives you. If they fight with you about that, THEN its *definitely* triangulation.
It may have unintended consequences though even if the intent is just to help. For example that the people directly involved don't learn to sort out their own things directly for themselves or between each other. Trying to influence something that happens between two others without those people asking for your advice (yes unsolicited, as you say), does feel a bit like pulling strings in a web, you don't know what other strings will move along with them
This is spot on for my family!
I have to write that down 😅
Can we have more shorts. I love these!
This is literally life changing for me ❤❤❤ you both have helped me more than any therapist I had 😊😊😊 Thank you 🎉🎉🎉🎉
This actually hurt to see and hear, because I deal with this CONSTANTLY.
Everyone wants me to apologize, to reconcile, to make up with X or Y or Z because, 'they're hurting and upset that you won't talk to them.'
OH *forehead slap* of course! My feelings, thoughts, opinions and boundaries are either meaningless or non-existent, ergo, *I* have to be the one to make up and take the fall.
I finally have given up. They want to hate or blame me for what happened or will happen, that's on them. But they'll have to pull some serious mental gymnastics when I don't show up. If I'm not there, it is gonna be a lot harder to blame me for what *does* happen. But that's their issue: they can deal - or not, cause I already know they'll find a way to blame me. I just don't care anymore.
I told just last week to my aunt “please don’t get in my business, we both know I will continue to do what I want to do and you don’t want to have to fight with me. Because you know I’m more stubborn then you and pretty much everyone in this family. Took your opinion in mind. Suggestions are welcome but do not try to tell me what to do. Ever.” And she agreed I got a point, all of my family are stubborn, and ND I’m just with extra spice
I am truly praying that i can save up enough to move out as soon as possible and finally live in peace
I disagree with listening to just one side of conflict or forcing someone to do anything, but I'm fascinated about the family dynamics in that person's home, because their triangulation differs a lot from mine. It looks more like they are a bad parent forcing the older child to "be nice to their little sibling".
I feel immense fear whenever someone in my surroundings argue, I'm gonna think about that argument at night, in my own space and wonder how do I feel about the friends. Do I betray one if I'm chill with another? Do I have to choose? If I do I have to know all the details anyway, does this count as the triangulation still? What if I'm next? How will this conflict change my life?
I really like how you spread knowledge, before therapy I was doing this automatically, called it "mediating" and didn't see any other option.
If you do this(even if listening to both sides) I feel you so much, but it's not really respectful thing to do and not worth your energy anyway.
😬 I’ve been doing this with my partner and his repressed family dynamics. Thank you for the call-in!!! (🙋🏻♀️Unlearning enmeshment over here xoxo).
The problem is when you explain things like that, from a psychological perspective the other one looks at you as if you were an alien to say the least and says What are you talking about and will keep going, or will laugh in your face and ridicule you or will say that you're crazy and in the worst case scenario that will do all of these in one go, they don't care.
My daughter is 7 now, and my mother is laying on the triangulation and manipulation, hard. So I’ve started limiting their time alone together (very hard to do when I was working online from her home, but I changed that too) and I taught my daughter to say, “Mama wants to have these conversations together as a family.” And to stick to repeating it whenever she feels uncomfortable.
My mother’s head has been continually exploding since then, but that isn’t my responsibility. She can tell I’m coaching my daughter and cannot understand why - even though I explain calmly over and over that I cannot help resolve things if all conversations happen when I’m working, therefore, the best thing is to have all conversations when I can be present.
It’s still hard on my daughter, but she knows I am committed to standing between her and anything that makes her uncomfortable. (I’m not talking about normal life stuff that she needs to learn, I’m talking about unhealthy adult family dynamics.) And we are making other changes to limit interactions.
Whew…mind blown 😮
My mother always did this. It's one of the many reasons I've limited my contact with her to only the bare minimum. She was always stomping boundaries.
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much! 🌜💖🌛
yup .... my dad called me, when ever there was trouble between my mom and me, saying I needed to appologise. Glad those days are over, now we stopped communicating completely.
Love this! I appreciate yiur examples.
That's so funny bc I was just saying last night that I have no idea how families are supposed to be. Bc mine feels like watching a bravo reality show - unhealthy and addicted to drama and I want to stop and unsure if that's distance or what about my own behavior and actions to change
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is a great book that touches on this! These videos help me communicate how I feel about situations to my mam. My sister and I relate a lot to these and we're trying to help her to understand that her own feelings are valid among the generational dysfunction we're all dealing with! My mam has started to realize bits and pieces that are holding her back and weighing on her mind. Remember, how you approach this with someone is important. You could have a laugh about it, then lead into a conversation, or just say it gently. Make sure that you approach it calmly, wanting resolution. Feeling scorned and vindicated may lead to the other person feeling attacked or blamed, depending on your approach. Reaffirm that you want a healthier way of dealing with things because you value the person so much and want the best result possible for a happy, healthy relationship 💙 That said, remember to admit when you're wrong and listen to the other person's concerns too. Most things can just simply be misunderstandings or a miscommunication!
Oh my God . 100% These videos are great how I can relate
Lol if I try to rationalise my side to my mother, she still hits the roof (probably more so) screams at me and calls me selfish. I see her once a year and the last time I was home I had an epiphany: she can't stand it when I have my own feelings and I'm not allowed to have my own feelings and never was. If I cried, it would make her angry or turn into a competition as to who had it worse. Having my own feelings has always been selfish.
Now everyone in my life, work and men take advantage of my people pleasing because I don't have boundaries. Even when I try to establish them, no one respects them. I'm often told, "Oh you're too nice" . But I'm resentful, I'm not nice. And I'm a perfectionist and horrible to myself.
Therapy starts Monday thanks to content like this, I am now realising why I am the way I am and that it doesn't have to remain this way forever.
I'm living the hole situation right now, and it would be so impossible to say that to my mom: just the fact of affirming my boundaries is very not fine for her and it become a scandal 😅
Still looking for an appartment and i'm also in touch with social workers so it won't be too long before i could take some distance 🍀✨️
Anyways, thank you for your support 😉 and mostly for your videos
With kindness and respect 🌸
If a mom has to tell a kid to apologize to a sibling, i think the sibling should admit the difference between boundaries and manipulating the rest of the family due to their avoidance issues. There is a difference and not every person who wants peace in a family does it with malicious intent.
Damn, wish I would’ve found this channel sooner. Maybe would’ve finally been able to communicate with my parents with all your knowledge.
well done! people dont know how to repel manipulators bc they dont have the instantaneous word track to use ie think on your feet conversation...I have departed relationships with both my sisters bc they DONT respect my feelings or requests at all.
Our family does this.
I would loveeee to see more videos about setting boundries❤
These skits are exactly what my sister and aunt do.
Thank you, these are so helpful.
Unless you da boss! Then you the teller!😂
I love this RUclips. I follow your instagram for forever but I’m always on RUclips so I love this. I also adore the way u say boundaries :-)😊
Good stuff. Excellent.
Thank you, more of these, please ❤🙏🏼
I don't rly set healthy boundaries, but when ppl do sth like that,
I kinda immediately shut off and don't wanna do what I probably planned to do anyway
(and as a stubborn person, I usually stand my ground....
but as a slight soft hearted person, there's probably been quite a few times where I've folded too)