How To Set Boundaries with Difficult People
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- Опубликовано: 30 май 2024
- When you start setting boundaries, you're going to get pushback and your boundaries are going to bring out the emotional maturity of those closest to you. But that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that you should stop setting boundaries. In fact, it usually means you're doing something right. Here's the kind of pushback you'll likely get when you set a boundary with family, and what to do about it when you do.
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Dealing with emotionally illiterate ppl really is like dealing with toddlers. Thank you for these videos. There isn't enough talk about boundaries and rejecting enmeshment.
Whats even more ironic is the boomers and older generations are entirely illiterate with emotional maturity its a completely foreign language to them
My personal unfavorite: "You've *changed. You *used to be so nice.*" "I thought I could count on you" is another.
@The Upgraded ooooh like this!! 👍
Bull they need to get their life together and respect people s feeliings
I'm still too nice
I’ve been told this when i set those boundaries
Do they value me only for my “yes” is so insightful. Awesome talk!
Really glad it connected - thanks for being here Adam.
@@juliakristinamah has always had been the last ppppppppppppppppp
Maybe
I started realizing what boundaries are when I started dating my boyfriend. He's been extremely encouraging of healthy boundaries and emotional maturity.
Since I started dating him, my mother has said to me "You're not nice anymore." Cause I'm more confident and now stand up for myself and my boyfriend.
He is your soulmate they teach us lessons .
Woow i hope i get someone like that too . Hope you’re still together and built a great memories
You could be alright
People get mad when we try to set boundaries.
My family has never valued me as an actual human being. Cutting them off a few years ago was one of the best decision I’ve ever made. Excruciatingly painful, but so good for me. I’m free to be me and work hard on becoming a new healthy person who is worthy of genuine love.
I could feel your relief just from reading the second sentence, it's the best feeling ever!!
@@josemanuelsanchezrosales1066 yes, so true :) very freeing.
Totally. Totally.
I've cut them off too and for the first time in my life I am finally getting short glimpses of what freedom is and what is independence and my self.
ditto! painful and sad but so freeing and wonderful!!
I stopped talking to my "father" 8 months ago and never felt myself better.
Thought my family would be happy or proud of me for trying to take better care of myself but I was wrong . They wanted me to be fat and unhealthy so they can make fun of me . Bunch of effing immature bullies . Thanks for this video Julia !
Glad this connected Mike. And know that your boundaries were bringing up their anxieties, and their unkind behaviour had nothing to do with you - it was them off-setting their own discomfort.
Julia Kristina Counselling what do u mean about that? Can u make a video abound bullies.
@@juliakristinamah Thanks yeah I think they are jealous of my goals and achievements .
OMG! Same here. My own father even had the audacity to tell me that he liked me better when I was fat! How disgusting. Your own family can be so damn toxic.
JustJess yep I was liked better when I drank because I was more fun
Toxic codependency is a horrible state to live in! As I began setting my boundaries, there was so much opposition! It was like everyone else believed they had the right to do as they pleased without regard for others and their choices.
It took a while to realize the true nature of boundary setting for me. It wasn’t for everyone else, but for me only. I am not responsible for the choices of others, but only for myself. If I were to say a boundary was for someone else, then I’d be just as guilty of manipulation as the one that offends me! I’m not here to teach them a lesson! I’m living my life with choices I’ve made with my boundaries to protect my mind, heart, and soul.
My abusive ex-spouse is the classic narcissist. I actually love him more than he’ll ever be able to fathom. I grieve for his state, but am not compelled to live in misery for the rest of my life.
Perfectly stated!!!! Merry Christmas!
you are going in right direction👏
Game changer of a comment. Really sparked understanding in my mind. Thank you.
Geauxtama I’m glad my remarks have helped you in some way.
I have been very outspoken about this topic for the last nearly 20 years.
I just hope another might glean something from it all.
Will you tell me what specifically was helpful?
I find verbalizing (writing) about things help lead me to new insights.
Regards...
PaintFlicker The idea that boundary setting is for you and not other people and you don’t need other people to approve of your boundaries. Just gotta accept it. But I always feel bad for upsetting someone over something I want. I’ve never truly allowed myself to want and to have, without having to qualify it in some insanely demanding way.
"You're not nice" - people want you to be nice and that means not hurt their feelings. Honesty often hurts others' feelings.
Well, that's not totally true. It's not the honesty that hurts their feelings, it's what they make that honesty mean that does. We can't actually make someone feel a certain way.
Non violent communication might be of aid! 👍 Works even with toxic people somewhat
I gave up on trying to set healthy boundaries with my family a long time ago. The non-stop guilt trips and push-backs were mentally exhausting. I finally just gave up on communication all together. It was hard at first because I never realized just how used to the dysfunction I was. But it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself both mentally and physically.
You have to take care of you first and foremost.
Yes, my mom said to me a couple times over these last few months,
" What happened you used to be so nice?"
I'm a 44 year old grown woman working on knowing and practicing healthy boundaries with my mom and my 3 young adult children.
I’m 44 years old as well and finally learning the same. That comment sounds exactly like what my mom would say. But i know better now and can see through the guilt trips. Kudos to you for seeing the light and taking care of your mental health.
That’s such a typical, pain in the arse reaction….they can’t handle change…and they don’t care about your needs….
Better at 44 than 52…that’s me! 52 years old and trying to figure out who and what I really am because I’ve spent my entire life trying to please everyone else except myself to the point that I don’t even really know who I am! I don’t say that to be pitiful, it’s simply the truth and in all honesty, it’s my own fault!
good for you it's time for you to liiiiive
Setting boundaries is like dealing with a toddler. Very true.
“Just do it!” That’s what I was told when I tried to put my foot down.
When I moved out of state my sister in law thought it was funny to taunt me about the baseball team I like, I was 26 weeks pregnant and i let the taunting and teasing go on for months until I spoke up because I was terrified to speak up and ask them to please stop! 5 months it took for me to finally say something to her and even then I feel I was way too nice about it. I still get angry about it. Trying to heal. Til I found Julia I didn’t even know wtf a boundary was but now that I’ve learned I’ve looked back and realized how many times I should have set one but I had no idea how. I thought speaking up for myself made me annoying and then people wouldn’t like me and I needed to be liked by everyone. Now I see that’s a PRISON to live in
I speak up
and I'm not well liked
but, I'm happy
my real pain tho
no one likes me to speak up..n. one. likes me, lol
I'm may be over board tho
I can learn tho...I believe
Chances are, if you're here, you know in your heart who is healthy, and who is not. Toxic people are to be avoided. They always try to bring you down. Stay strong!
I have a tendency that I could be 50% toxic. If I don’t use tools to regulate my own behavior, for example, introspection, awareness and boundaries. To one side, there is always it’s opposite or potential for this.
The better question is, how do you allow this? Empower yourself will help. Much love, growth is a journey and nonlinear constantly unfolding.
Julia Kristina has been eavesdropping on my family's annual Christmas gatherings for the last several decades. LOL!
lol. Big sister is alway watching ;-)
😂😂😂😂
Omg that actually made me laugh out loud
You’re punishing me
You’re sensitive
You’re going to regret it and you don’t want to live a life with regret
I’m wiser
How do I response to that^^
@@fly834
I'm not.
I am
I won't
You may be, but I'm the expert when it comes to me.
Julia Kristina Counselling : Your “I’m the expert when it comes to me.” Amazing! I actually said aloud, “UHHHH!” Thank you Julia! Merry Christmas and may your 2020 be the best year of your life!
@@hikerhobby1204 Thanks friend - you too.
You really struck a chord when you talked about the things they are going to say. "you are so selfish". Yes!
The protesting our self-differentiation can be tough to filter through. But know that it's not about you. Take courage my friend.
I don’t know when we all thought, abandoning ourselves was OK. It’s OK to be selfish in a healthy way. Just like the oxygen mask on the plane, if we are unable to put our own on, we will not be able to help others… So to speak but it’s not our job to fix others it’s our job to decide, and delineate the lines in what we will tolerate.
In the guilt category my sister said; You should be so grateful!
Oh yeah, that's a doozy!
I agree, as unless we have our personal boundaries, we are missing our inner beliefs. We must be us!
I can’t tell you how pertinent this video is for my life right now. For the first time I am starting to set healthy boundaries. I have had all the pushbacks!! , called selfish, ridiculed and guilt tripped. I have even had a blip where I have said yes to a request from family member when in my head the boundary alarms where sounding really loudly..... but I am keeping going. It feels scary sometimes but I am starting to feel the empowerment and freedom, it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back. Thank you for all your videos Julia, they have really helped me and I have shared them out. Merry Christmas from England 🎄
Yes! that sack of rocks... and now you get to pass each one back to its rightful owner.
Good for you for doing the work. xoj.
Thank you for your comment, Rachel, when you said “it’s like taking a sack of rocks from your back” that struck home with me. As I’ve been contemplating beginning to say no, I felt so much fear, until I read your remark and though of how tired and burdened I feel. If I can learn to say no, I can let go of this “sack of rocks”. Oh boy do I want to put this sack of rocks down. Thanks :)
Congratulations Rachael K! Hopefully, by now, 10 months later, you will have exercised you ‘boundaries’ muscles enough it has become you instant reflex to toxic exchanges.
During my freedom from ‘the past’ codependent relationships and codependent actions, I saw myself as a toddler with this huge diaper or nappy dragging behind me full of toxic waste. Now I’m free! I’m a lady now with age appropriate clothing!
I love boundaries. It was truly understanding the beauty of this aspect, that taught me so much about responsibility and the importance of my happiness for all of relationships.
My issue is that my violator and unwilling-to - cooperate person is my boyfriend. It's been a year, and I have ZERO appropriate response to my requests. It's eating me up inside, and this is going to be the sole reason for ending things.
I will not let someone continue to disregard my needs. Maybe his discomfort feels less than good. But so does getting ignored and disrespected.
Pray for me!
I hope you got out!
@@moonaymc thank you for the encouragement. I'm a slow exit... But I'm reaching the threshold of change.
Red flag!
Julia, I operate an outreach clinic for mental health care and substance abuse recovery in Anchorage. Alaska. I’ve used your videos for our Healthy Boundaries group and for our Relapse Prevention class for nearly 2 years. Thank you for every good thing you are doing.
People are getting well.
❤
After I set a boundary I was told "love has no boundaries".
My mouth is gaping right open. That goes for them too then, I assume? They'll do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want?
@@juliakristinamah of course not!
oh that is a good one!
Had to laugh...major manipulation
I took a screenshot of this and wrote "PREDATOR!" at the top. This is prey training so they can get their supply, aka your energy, served up whenever they want.
It might be time to just walk away, Shut it down, whatever works for you. Your worth being loved with your boundaries and being able to love someone with theirs. Honestly, it's the only true love. Anything else is a toxic mimic and many times is not intentionally abusive but unintentional disrespect is still disrespect. They've got stuff to work out, but you don't need to let them work it out on you.
Julia, your videos are so timely, spot on, and filled with relational WISDOM! Seriously, I feel so much stronger and braver just listening to you articulate these liberating truths. Often when I feel I need to reset my emotional equilibrium, I find myself tuning in to a Julia Kristina video, and immediately I feel more calm and empowered. You have definitely found your true calling; and WE, your viewers and subscribers, are so much the better for it. Be blessed!
Now that is the most thoughtful Christmas gift I could have asked for. Thank you for filling my cup in this way Suzanne - it means a lot.
Agree 100%!!!
It’s true. The moment I learned boundaries, and started establishing, and following them, some family members did not take it well. When it got really bad, I had to remove myself from their space to honor myself, and my peace.
It’s a pain when some of those people have a lot of narcissistic tendencies/traits.
I’ve had family say some mean things when I started putting up boundaries. There was a lot of back, and fourth for a while.
For example, I work long hours, and sleep until noon to get a full 7-8 hours of sleep, then I’m up. My family member said things as “When I was your age, and had kids, I had to do this, this, and this.”
I’m looking at them “Yeah, but I still need sleep, and I don’t have kids.”
And that’s not the end of that list.
It's often about envy
I had to cut off my sister because she is an alcoholic and abuses the people around her. I tried to set boundaries with her for years and she just didn't care. My parents were the ones who couldn't handle the separation between us. They've come around more as they've witnessed more of her behavior, but they still keep holding on to the idea of the perfect family and I occasionally get guilt trips for it. I have to remind them that I have a family too that needs protection from her. My oldest son and my sisters youngest are close and I often have to keep them apart. I hate to have to be a wall between them but alcoholics don't raise healthy children. I am often denying them interaction due to the circumstances of what is going on. For example, I will not let my son go to my sister's house or to a relatives house where the adults (a.k.a. my parents) will take off and leave them alone. They can be together in places where there is appropriate adult supervision and rules.
Absolutely. Keeping your babies safe trumps everything else - even if people get hurt, even if people disagree with your choices. Theirs, and your safety comes first.
My mother was a drug abuser for a long time and my uncle kept my cousin away from me. She moved out the day after highschool, and has always had problems with how controlling her father was about the situation. We were so close as kids and I felt that I was being punished or was being looked down upon for being caught in the situation. I encourage you to rethink.
OMG…please keep keeping your babies safe ( i can’t believe the adults just nick off leaving kids on their own)
What the hell ??
I didn’t know what boundaries were until I knew what they were. It was so empowering to find out boundaries were to regulate my own behavior. I have tried to control other people by actively stating boundaries, not having strong boundaries, hoping they would change, etc. It didn’t work, now I find out, I can use it and it’s a tool, so I don’t get upset. We don’t try to set boundaries we set them, and then we stay true, and not abandon ourselves.
Sometimes you have no choice but to cut people off and this is a boundary you enforced, alas, you could not change her unfortunately.
After being too accommodating and people pleasing, some of my staff started to say things like what happened to you? You're so different now, you used to be so nice.
Really messed with my head because it's always been so important to me to make sure people feel valued and cared for.
I had the exact the Same experience. Be strong. Ignore it. They just abuse your kindness. Thye know you are sensitive and caring person, and they just want to take advantage of it. Warmest regards! Good luck! 🌸
You started to value yourself as you should.
It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, boundaries are essential to make it work ! respecting always yourself and putting yourself first and your best interest, having always a great communication with the other !
My parents divorced when i was 3 and brother was 5. We lived with grandparents for 9 yrs...went to dads on weekends, mom would drop us off. I always heard..." we have to work". It wasnt until i became a parent that I no longer excepted this excuse. But the positive thing...i was became independent and gave my child the love that i needed. Today, im happily married, son is also married and I am self employed. Its crazy how the past is the recipe of who I am. I have feelings but I know i needed it all to happen to make me who I am today.
Yes I finally was forced to set a boundary with my best friend because I literally could not take the non stop ridiculous drama any longer and when I simply said I needed a break from the situation suddenly I have NO compassionate and I have NO empathy and how dare I not be there for her (for the hundredth time in the same situation she continually put herself in for well over a year). When I told her I would not allow her to manipulate me she called me a narcissist. I know I was a good friend to her, I was always there for her to support and encourage and help her in every way I possibly could, but the relationship had devolved into being all about her and it was making me crazy. When she called me the N word, I was done. I have forgiven her and I pray for her but have not seen her since then and I can’t afford to allow her into my life again. I don’t need drama, chaos and temper tantrums in my life from anyone.
So true. i've set boundaries at work and the push back was difficult, but I stood my ground. I'd rather feel better about myself than to please people for the sake of "fitting in" at my expense
yes friend - there's always a cost to letting ourselves be walked over.
Yep. Boundaries at work is why I'm here. I keep getting the "you're acting different, is everything ok with you, and your personal life?" 🙄
Apparently, this is cultural. In our family and in our extended family I should say, we just say watch your mouth, or mind your business, or get the F out of here. Boundaries are easy when you grow up in boundaries. I'm getting a new perspective on things just listening to you. It's a good perspective
huh! That's interesting - thanks for sharing.
Are you a second generation NY/NJ Italian? Lol.
Healthy boundaries are a whole new concept for me. I was taught, growing up, that my feelings and opinions didn't matter; and, I've always had horrible self-esteem. This stuff is a brand new skill set. Thank you, Julia.
Omg I'm experiencing this very thing right now! I've finally recognized and admitted my codependency and stop being a doormat and people pleaser. I've started setting reasonable boundaries and not letting ANYONE cross them. Just like any reasonable and sane person would do. And do you know what? People in my life both locally and friends at a distance are giving me RESISTANCE. They don't like the new me that doesn't give them a free pass just because they're a friendly narc ex or a best friend for 36 years who lashes out at me when I'm trying to be emotionally supportive of him and I'm accused of "interrogation". I'm so shocked. I didn't imagine anybody in my life would resist my efforts to break free from codependency. Utterly shocked. I want to hide from all of these people. Thankfully they're not in contact with me in person.
Healthy boundaries only work with healthy people. Those who want to keep old patterns and keep doing the same toxic behavior will resist your change. They will argue. They will pout. They will try to manipulate the situation. They will blame. They will point fingers and try to make you feel guilty. Pray for them. Pray because they do not realize that the boundaries are for you and you alone. Change for the better is doing something right for you. And you alone. I can't be held responsible for people's other choices and I will not hold them to mine.
When I've set boundaries with family and so-called friends the ones not receptive tried to make me feel guilty. I don't feel bad for changing for me. I won't be ridiculed nor made to feel bad for making choices for me that are right for me. If they can't handle my choice, then they'll walk away. Let. Them. Go.
I know I did. Life is much more peaceful without handling toxic, immature behavior.
Lesson well learned.
Thank you Julia.
Ok, I'm so ready for this! It is my husband that I need to set boundaries with. I have always backed down and I am just so tired of feeling defeated. Thank you for this video!
So important you 2 are on a team and are able to work things out together. Power differentials in relationships are never healthy.
Yes, I was told I was so selfish and I thanked him for the compliment! Followed by it’s about time I started loving myself and putting myself first ❤️
You are brilliant! Thank you so much for this. I have recently written my entire family off after their response to me setting boundaries. Their response was exactly how you described. My entire family - brother, mother, father, uncle, aunt and cousin. Have always felt uncomfortable with them, always waiting for their next subtle emotional abuse.
I feel even more justified now for my choice to value myself and not allow the emotional abuse my mother and the rest of the entire family has inflicted upon my since I was a child. Thank you 🙏🏻
A few years ago, I set boundaries with my mom. We had a huge falling out and I didn't talk to her for months. But I'm so happy to say that not only has she adjusted to and started respecting my boundaries, she set boundaries for me. I'm so proud of her that even at her age she is choosing to grow as a person rather than staying stagnant. I write this to say that communication can truly mend relationships and although it may take a while, don't give up on hope 🥰 but of course you can't expect anything from anyone but yourself and not everyone will see their flaws and actually do something about it.
Setting boundaries is so difficult!
I've heard "Well this wasn't a problem for you before"
Yup,, people that don't feel you have a right to change your mind.
At 40 now I can honestly say I've always had low self esteem, but a month ago I made a decision after self reflection that learning too be assertive and setting boundaries had too happen. Its the best decision I've ever made, confidence is growing everyday x
Always get back to this video after a fight with my mom. She doesn't realize that I am an adult now and thinks that I am a little kid that can't speak back to her. Toxic things she says: "Why are you speaking back to me?", "What is wrong with you, you used to be so nice", "Don't speak to me like that" when I am literally speaking to her like a normal person.
I really enjoy watching your videos, Julia. They really do help me and I struggle with anxiety myself.
Glad you're here Mitchell - and thank you for your kind words.
Yesterday, I was called selfish and disrespectful... I'm so glad I found this video
What they said to me was “you’re not normal! “I was like, thank you. I am trying to shine as a unique individual I am, normality is the last thing I want.
I’ve already set my boundaries with my family last year, but I just needed the confirmation that it was ok to do so. ...and that it’s going to probably be ok. Thank you very much for this video!💜
The boundary course I took with you was amazing!
Friends, sign up! Julia is an amazing and supportive teacher.
You are amazing because you take your happiness and wellbeing seriously and do the work!
Julia Kristina Counselling 🌟🙏🏻🌟
Thank you, Julia, for this honest, true and personal explanation of what to expect when setting up your boundaries. I’m 54 now, trying to break free from a life of inadequate boundary setting. It’s a mayor challenge to unlearn. Takes buckets of energy and sometimes sleepless nights. But I’m in to succeed. Thank you very much for your encouraging videos!
Your messages are poised to set people free to be authentic individuals.
YAY new subbie. Thanks for this video, I really learned how to set boundaries at age 25/ 26. I had a former friend I used to go to church with. At 1st she seemed cool, slowly but surely she started asking for favors & car rides all the time. Everyone needs compassion, favors or a helping hand from time to time. If they are constantly asking for favors or too dependent on others, please bow out quickly. Anyhow I finally told her No & she had an attitude about it. Good Riddance.
My grandson tells me "You should have left me in foster care" when he and I don't agree on something he wants me to let him do.
My my brother, my mom and her extended family have used me and used me and used me and then turned around and called me selfish and weak for every small need I have ever expressed. At 47, I am finally realizing that I will never be enough.
This is my family too. And any needs I had mainly came as a result of their abuse.
It's sorta funny how difficult people can be all around you and not just in your family, but I just kind of immerse myself from the future and picturing me saying that I am glad that I got that over with.
Also applies to the workplace: your colleagues are not your 'friends', and certainly is not a (dysfunctional) 'family'. Thank you for your videos!
I was told “if I would just get over my anger and help”
Good Evening. I have Lupus for 16 years and now l'm seen a therapist but l'm starting to follow you. She told me that for my healt l need to create a boundaries to my family.
I was listening you now and you are helping me a lot. Where is your office located ? I wish you have a office in Miami. I'm starting tomorrow to write some words in a paper so that way l can start to set up my boundaries. Thanks. GOD BLESS YOU
Thank you again! My Boundaries have been set, even in my late 40’s, it’s a scary move. I’m the only sibling w/out human kids. Recently, I have heard a sibling say ‘I place others people needs before my own’”, I know why they say those words💔
I want to tell all of you here on this thread, I know it’s going to be difficult. it’ll be worth it for all of us❤️
“I was told, I need to understand the culture.”
“You think you’re so much better!”
“If it wasn’t for so and so, you would be nothing. You’re pathetic!”
Seems like you’re totally talking to me.
Thank you for this video!
Please make a video on "How to deal with toxic people"
Wowwww yes. My husband claimed to our couples therapist that I was going off the radar, when I went OUT to go do devotionals when times were very bad because I was scared to be home. He painted me as the bad guy claiming I was purposefully not telling him where I was... (location services are ON on my phone lol) that I’m not being safe because we live in Mexico. Couples therapist ate it up. It was completely untrue confabulation.
my ex had a cousin who we used to visit all the time. i liked her, but she was very pushy, often trampling on my feelings and being very insistent that i go to church with her and constantly criticizing me.
one day, i had enough when she made my stepdaughter cry over her remarks. i blew up.
she began to throw it back on me telling me "you always were so nice. i want the old you back". at which point i told her "i can take a lot when it is aimed at me. but when you hurt my child, then you overstepped my boundaries and i refuse to allow that."
OH MY GOSH Kristina ..... I "messed with" my siblings system, once a year ago and another time about 15 years ago ...... and "they didn't like it". One time I turned up for my Dad's 80th birthday party, and another his funeral. I tried to get them on board and have never been able, as you say. I've said 'NO, I've had enough' and removed my self. I'm the naughty one!! You have 'nailed it' thank you!! Yup, it's all me "what's wrong with you", they say. And so on. Free-er, happier, fuller, yes, I'm happier.
Good for you Richard. And so glad this connected.
Finally found the video that talks about my current situation to a T. Being in a family with strong Asian culture where you're expected to be subservient to parents until (or ever after!) marriage, it's hard to make family understand the concept of boundaries as we grow up. And as someone who puts great value in self-sufficiency and independence, it's a huge problem for me. Thank you for this!
I'm 55 and dealing with an issue with a sister right now who just told me on Christmas about how she visited my ex-wife, whom I've been divorced from for seven years. I really didn't want to hear that she was interacting with my ex-wife AT ALL, as they weren't ever even familiar with each other to begin with. I haven't talked to her about it yet as I felt a need to process a little bit of shock which went along with it first. I've pondered telling her or sending her a voice message stating to her that I don't mind her interacting with my ex-wife if she feels the need to do so, but unless it's something that she might want to or feel the need to alert me about, I do not wish to hear about any goings-on between the two of them. However, I can only so vividly imagine her responding to such a request instead of with a simple "Okay" but, rather, "You sound just like Dad.", whereby I'm not even sure whether I ought even bother; I don't like her that much anyway. I do believe if my sister wants to have a healthy relationship with me, she fully understands what she needs to do in order to facilitate it.
Although I'm positive that this comment will be hated and attacked by those who actually read the whole thing maybe, just maybe one person will relate. I just found your videos and the first one really helped my girlfriend understand things I had tried via innumerable parables and examples to help her see positive ways to change to help her mentally and emotionally. Since hearing you say it and understanding how to stop being a victim and accept that she is amazing life has been absolutely amazing working together and focusing on the long term goals rather than the short term hiccups of daily life and love.
Here comes perhaps the hard part that will get me hated:
I have been all of the toxic traits. Enabler, blinded by love for others who only used me, and about a year ago when finally in a healthy, stable, loving relationship I felt the full wrath of those who professed to love me doing everything possible to destroy me financially, relationally, and personally when I, in fact, had done nothing but try to help them and build them up. The fact is, I can relate to Donald Trump feeling the exact same as you describe and I lived. He broke out of the broken dynamic of the status quo and did what was best for America. The crooked politicians and governments hated him cutting them off from robbing the country of our resources and compassion. Stopping toxic leeches in your own life is amazing, and anyone mad at Trump for doing the same on a global level really needs to re-evaluate who they are to others in their social circle and world views.
I grew up in a toxic household. My mother has been emotionally abused by my father her entire married life and I alongside her. Ever since I can remember I've been her confidant. I never had any friends growing up, besides a cousin who is even more messed up than I am. I was a good student (at least in regards to the things that my mind could memorize), the good kid, always concerned about everyone and trying to help people until I was bullied when I was 13. My mother didn't help me with that. She never went out of her comfort zone to try to help me with my growing anxiety or my depression. Or lack of self worth. It was only a couple years ago that I "discovered" that I have been manipulated by her my entire life. She only "cares" about me unless I behave in a certain manner. Unless I say the "right" things. Unless I feel the same thing she feels. I am forty years old now. Our lives are miserable, and every time I say something that she doesn't like, "I am arrogant". When I was younger she would just give me the silent treatment.
The domestic violence in our house has reached such a point that a couple months ago I had to call the police. The following weeks were "fun" with my father trying to present himself as the victim and calling us all kind of names. My mother will never do anything that doesn't depend on me. She will never act alone. She suffocates me and tries to mine the little confidence I have left every step of the way. If I say that I don't care about something that she's saying, normally something that she has said to me100/200 times, she'll reply with "right, you don't care about anything." The only way for me to finally establish some healthy boundaries between us, would involve me disappearing from her life once and for all.
So many of us have similar stories. You are not alone. I understand exactly.
You've been the victim of emotional incest, too.
Our boundaries are for us. Adults are responsible for themselves. Children -adult or whatever age, are not to be used like your mom used/uses you.
Good life to you as you grow and heal.
There is a lot of talking about boundaries, but too little about counter-moves or push-backs. But they are actually the ones we need to learn to tolerate and are the key to succes.
Omg this helps, so much! To get my boundaries dropped, my mother actually said, I am not gonna get chummie with you, until you do it my way. Also she's said why are you punishing me, and so forth, to guilt me, and I have been mocked as well... Thank you for all this insight.. shared your video!
Yes! That’s exactly what is happening right now!
I feel like you are taking Directly to me. Thank you so much for doing these videos.
I am. Big sister is always watching. Jk.
Really glad this connected friend.
I’m so glad I found your channel! This video is great! I’ve been applying boundaries for years but to have you in my corner now I can tell is going to help with all the other things that come up navigating life, reparenting myself while growing a family!
I’ve already shared your links!! Thanks again! 🙏🏼✨🦄
Genius.
“You’ve changed a lot”.
My Dad is a great example of dealing with my boundaries..... At least he is finally accepting my boundaries...
i really admire how you don't go into shaming and blaming the people that we're trying to establish boundaries with. i find that a lot of these videos of videos from other coaches on youtube immediately call the other people names and say that they're completely selfish and narcissistic, and it's too black and white. you let us know that we will experience pushback, and the reason is very neutral and reasonable.
i like how you state that the people who we're trying to establish boundaries will feel anxiety as well, instead of saying they're completely selfish and you need to cut them out of your life. when we're unconscious, we like to hold onto the victim mindset and blame the other person for being horrible and energy sapping, but that's distracting us from realising that it's on us to take the first step.
My brother (who is alcoholic) once told me "You complain for every" when I started putting some limits, specially my mom also told me once "stop being aggresive" when I wasn´t just want to set boundaries.
Thank you once again for your great insights and teachings. I've absolutely taken onboard everything that you have said and the self realisations is phenomenal and at times overwhelming to get used to......BUT I've introduced these principals to my family members and I can see where the kickback is coming in from certain family members.....so interesting to observe. And I've had the criticism, the guilt tripping, the dysfunction, but I have carried on with loving resolve. I downloaded your 90 minute Boundaries Video and I've worked on it with my circle of close friends (plus this video) ....we're all working on it together and we're each others sounding board which is hugely helpful as these friends are so honest and loving. I just thank you so much for all that you're doing and sharing for us all. You have know idea how helpful, insightful and freeing this is. Thank you Julia. xxx
I love this topic! this is one of the most important topics to cover and there is not enough out there! thanks for all you do
I see what what I should do now.
I only recently happened across your channel, but I've been really enjoying your videos. One of the many things I particularly appreciate is that in your videos, such as this one, you give examples of specific phrases another individual might use toward the person listening to your video (I think the first one in here was "oh, that's just ridiculous"). This has been particularly helpful to me because when I recognize the phrase, I'm better able to connect with what you're saying and it's less of a vague concept to me. I see a lot of interesting comments below, but I hope you know that your videos are very helpful, enjoyed, and appreciated!
My mom would say....I’m so sensitive. I’m so difficult to be around....I’m crazy....I’ve done so much for you and this is how you treat me.....or condescending comments. ❤️❤️❤️❤️great subject to go over. This is so important.
Does she still say that?
Julia Kristina Counselling I’m not in her life sadly. I tried setting boundaries. I paid for a mediator two separate times. I tried my hardest.
Thank you so much, this is obviously my most important topic/lesson I need to learn. As a high empath, highly sensitive person, I have very big problem set up boundaries in relationships, and it is causing me lifetime problems. I hope I can finally learn and be in full power.
Hi, I’ve been listening to your videos on gaslighting and setting boundaries, and more. I can’t tell you how grateful I am! How much this is speaking to me at a time I need it so much!! I just had to stop seeing my adult son, and your message is just what I need to hear. I’m learning what I need to do myself and how to identify and understand what he’s been doing to me. Again thank you!
This video has just answered so many questions I’ve had for the past few months! Thank you soo much for making this video it has really helped me in so many ways.
Thank you for this video!
Omg you've helped me so much!! My parents want me to breakup with my bf just because of his religion! ..they are threatening to cancel my university courses if i dont listen to them! How sick of me to think they know best!
Just pretend to break up with him until your courses are paid and you no longer need them.
I have a super codependent, enmeshed, entitled, passive aggressive, gaslighting, narcissistic unit and when I became aware and set boundaries and removed myself I literally had tons of criticism like “who are you to upset the hierarchy in our home?” “You don’t get to tell me how to treat you.” And so much more and I’m tired of putting myself down to make them feel better and on top of that continue to be kind to them while they talk terribly to me. Even when I speak up and apply things I’ve learned about passive aggression it literally still continues. I’m learning that this is more about me being safe and not having the outcome of them changing their unhealthy behavior
Omg totally! I agree with that, had a lot of these situations recently. At first, it is really hard or triggering to get away from the pull-back. But now, when I look back, on how I used to live (with them), it is so NOT worth it to go back! I was never happy in the first place, and just the doormat of everyone. Parents throwing tantrums like toddlers is a thing! This can have a lot to do with emotional abuse in the past. But now it's all about becoming a self-determined, conscious, autonomous individual self. And it encourages me knowing now that I don't have to give in. Sometimes, their faces appear in front of my inner eye, how they cry and scream because of me "leaving".
Thank you really much for having these videos uploaded! Just found your channel yesterday and it is good to work with. Greets from Germany :)
This video directly correlates with my ex. The most toxic person I ever met in my life. Slowly but surely I am persevering!
Wow! Every statement she said I’ve heard. When I stopped myself from reacting, took a breath, and started to talk again, she said, “Oh my god! You’re so bi-polar!” That is so hurtful!
I heard them ALL! This is so true, so valuable. I've been listening to you for 2 weeks...I am so glad I found you. Your like a great mental check- up!
When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I was told by my sister how selfish I was. It’s harder now for me to set boundaries with the man I’m living with. It’s also very hard for me to see how toxic I can be. Thanks for this. Happy holidays 🥳
do you know why you struggle to set boundaries with him April?
Hi Julia, Merry Christmas. Thanks for replying. Maybe it’s because I end up feeling guilty.
@@aprilc.3697 Do you know what beliefs you have about what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do that are causing the guilt?
Need to set boundaries for myself and people around me. I need to know boundaries and others need to know my boundaries
This is such a great topic. Very on time for the holiday season.
I started setting boundaries, loving myself self, and putting my mental health first because I am a very empathetic person and absorb energies. Some things I’ve heard are “You’ve changed”, “You’re selfish.”
If I was respected enough, they would respect my boundaries which is why I have to be distant with them. Barely talk to my moms side of the family and I feel stronger and in control because I do not have to deal with the abuse. Sorry not sorry.
And when someone says "You've changed" you say "Thank you, I've been working hard to."
Julia Kristina Counselling never thought if that. That’s a great answer!
This is great! Thank you!
During early Covid times, meeting up for outdoor lunch with a now-ex friend, she went in for the hug and I asked if we could please just do a virtual hug, her smirky reply was ... “Oh, we’ll have to indulge your paranoia”
I am rituka, from india and presently living in Norway. I love your videos and am already consulting a psychology. Lots of love and gratitude to you :)
Thank you Julia. An eye opening and heart. Being my self more and more.