instead of burning out from it you can learn to channel the energy you sense in their emotions and gain strength from it. that in turn makes them calm down bc their energy is being depleted. but if you burn out then you're letting them have your energy.
I used to think it was just empathy but empathy shouldn't make you feel like crap and like they're YOUR problems. A drowning lifeguard is a second victim, you can't support your loved ones if you're getting absorbed in their troubles. Thank you for sharing this!
No good jumping into the pit to join them! Don’t let your own ego get involved. DISpassion - (look into your heart NOT the dictionary for the meaning and when you’re ready you’ll know) I had to work at it, and learn to be patient and wait quite a long time till I truly and intuitively understood thanks to my and my trusty “inner knowing”. I call it the dispassion of the angels, and am still learning more….
We have no control over other circumstances or other people, we can only control our reaction. It took me years to learn this, but it's sooooo relaxing to stop worrying about things I have no control over. I do my thing, I make my videos, do my work, make my choices but I will not let others destroy my life. We all have a choice!!!! Choose YOU!
It's a nice sentiment but you don't know the people that i know why be patient with somebody whos playing games with you're mental health some good point though.
"Observe don't absorb"... that's always worked for me. When somebody says something like I lost my child to Sids, gesture your reaction but don't absorb it into your body. Gesture I mean by your hands or your face but let that be your fence around your body. That shows them your empathy, but it doesn't control your emotions. "Free will", says I cannot interfere with their choices, I can listen but not fix them, I can say I know that you will make the right choice for you. Here are tools..etc. then let it go..unplug un attach.
I've been waking up with anxiety and going to bed with the same anxiety and not sleeping, worrying about my son's life and relationship issues. I've been obsessing. Your video is perfect for me. Thank you. I am working hard on this.
This comment really hit home with me. Me and my son are currently not speaking. He has made poor choices. Of course I automatically went to being Mr. Fix it to “help” him. It sucks when it’s your adult child. However, I have realized that he expects me to fix his problems. He doesn’t take responsibility for his poor choices. In fact, he blames me. I’m just so used to being his punching bag. I do things in hopes that “one day” he will get his act together. It has completely stolen my peace. I have to get it back. I hope things are better for you.
You also have to be careful not to be sucked in to people that tell pity stories to get you to do things for them that they can do themselves or be responsible for. Use discernment and give your energy and good intentions to those who respect you and are considerate of you. They’ll actually care if they’re draining you too.
Yup. I just got myself roped into taking care of someone's dog while they are on vacation. Then, I found out that the husband is not going on the trip but "he's not reliable" for dog walking. WTF. Good life lesson for me. Won't be getting sucked into that situation anymore.
I've absorbed my sister's problems for so long, her passive aggressiveness, defensiveness, constant life crisis, we've been estranged for 2 years now, this was a huge eyeopener to see my role in some of the problems, it helps get rid of some of the anger I have towards her
What helped me is realizing that most people don't actually need help even if they demand it and find something self care related when I get stressed out. Especially if it's a narcissistic/self destructive dynamic.
This really helped me. I was in the middle of about to act on someone else issue and I know I do that a lot so I looked up “ reassurance that other people issues aren’t yours” and your video showed up. Thank you
This was quite confronting because you've put into words perfect why I had to estrange from my mum. It's impossible to detach from someone's outcomes when they make those outcomes your problem. Things are less clear-cut when a parent repeatedly refuses to help themselves, and expects their child to give up their own future, financial and emotional, indefinitely, to enable the parent's ongoing bad choices (money, in this case). Seeing her spiral and cling to me to meet her emotional needs and deep loneliness was scary, it caused me so much worry and triggered so much shame (me thinking I'm responsible for my parents' misery is deeply ingrained, trauma in early childhood). I guess I'm getting a bit off track from your topic - I think your advice is great, but for non-family situations.
Wow! I had a fall out with my "BFF" for advising too much in an effort of trying to help her. I thought it was my way of showing protection and caring for her. The friendship is now shattered and the trust is gone. I know better now, thank you for this video. I will never carry on anyone's stress or fell the need to fix them. Great lesson learned!
To Love unconditionally is an admiral goal to conceive. Understand, we live in a physical realm. The physical realm has Conditions. "I Love everyone, but cannot tolerate ALL their problems". It took a long time to either realize this or use this as a justification to let go of "Responsibility". Most CREATE their own Drama and would like to suck you into it.
@@scottkrueger3747 Thanks for the compliment. Although, I would not consider "Smart" a descriptive of myself. I live what I've learned, and I live to learn. And, it will be a continuous process. Be Good to yourself my friend!
I am actually struggling with this right now. I have a family relative how died a couple of days ago, she was lonely basically her entire life. Before her death, I tried to find solutions to fix her problem, so she got attached to me deeply even when I kept a distance, her actions were overwhelming. So I cared about her but I couldn't handle her attaching behaviour. After her death, I absorbed her loneliness problem again, more deeply this time with alot of guilt because I kept my distance before and I literally broke down. Thank you Julia for the advice.
My affirmation card for the day is "i am descerning. I love myself enough to say no to people and situations that dont servw my hoghest good. I am discerning." I hope that helps someone who sees this
Wonderful, thankyou so much for this reminder. It's very hard to see those close to us struggle and feel like we can see the solution, but they don't seem able to take action to change. It's good to be reminded that they are not our responsibility. I find that so hard though.
Hi all, this is a good time to ask ourselves, "Does our accountability to this person, serve us or create a rift within our own accountability to ourselves. And always Julia, thank you for always reminding of grounding, it's key for me before I began exploring my thoughts. I do notice the quality of my visit with myself is much nicer when I enter with a calm focus.
I think I arrived at your channel as God wanted to intervene in my life. I don't have any other explanation of my arrival here. Your suggestions which can be made as auto suggestions into our lives can make my life so much better. I promise you that whatever effort you have made had changed one person's (my) life. I feel less stressful and the need to handle others problems in a subtle rather than hands on way. 🙏👼💞
Thank God I have abandoned getting caught up & stressed out about peoples problems. I care for others with boundaries now. Self-care is my priority. I still love people but not to the point of destroying myself over people, especially when they dont care about their own lives or situation. God please continue to guide me as I get to know "Lorelle", myself.
After watching many of your videos I am starting to take care of myself and offer help to those suffering but making sure I do not get sucked in and have boundaries. I am becoming more mentally strong and knowledgeable after watching more and more of your wonderful videos. Keep up the good work!
This is definitely something I struggle with as an adult child living with emotionally immature parents. I’m working toward moving out; but,in the meantime, I have a hard time not letting myself be dragged down by or even into my parents’ fights and problems.
This is so timely for me. My son has come back to live with me while he sorts out a new flat. He's 31 and was diagnosed with Aspergers at 24. He, by his own admission, definitely scores on the narcissistic scale. At times to see him when he gets stressed is painful. I want to help but I know what will happen if I try. Came across an interesting phrase the other day in relation to this topic, observe but don't absorb.
Your son is missing the Love of his Father just as you are missing the Love of your Father. Means you are BOTH an emotional mess. You need to become a real man. This way you will be a living example and show your son how to overcome the world. Right now the world is overcoming him. While you become the real man you were created to be you can apologize to your son for messing him up. Also have no anger towards him.
I know I can't fix or change someone (my son) if he doesn't want to do the work to change himself, fix his life, put in his dues. So being "there" for him, listening to him (he only only reaches out to me when he needs money or something) is emotionally exhausting to me, ruining my health even more. I have my own short life to try and live.. I lay awake at night worrying about him.. I'm out of money and emotionally spent.. I don't know what I'd do if he ended up on the streets. I have heart issues and just want a few years of joy before I'm gone forever. I can feel I may die broken hearted.
Yea, and then these " children" keep having children, and do bad jobs raising them, or not raising them, perpetuating these problems. A society of immature beings
This is my father. I live with him. He is 72. He is currently in the hospital with a mental breakdown. These 3 years have created immense anxiety and stress. I'm 45 and feeling overwhelmed. Is it too late to recover? I've tried to do everything for my dad to the point of suicidal ideations. This is brilliant.
When she said It's not a sign of love it struck a chord and kinda hurt but it is true. I can't be responsible for everything involving the people I am close to that is close to obsession. I guess I unknowingly make it about myself. I am learning to just be. Hope I get there soon.
🙈 I wish I had heard thiat 30 years before 😎 my life would be much happier and easier ….. this is a life changing information! especially if someone as a child was conditioned by parent to take all the crap and problems of parent on himself 😤 geat video and thanks for sharing the knowledge! 🙌🙌 Thank you Julia!!
Omg i was searching for this. I cant do anything but absorb people’s sadness. I always wanted to be a psychologist and thought that it is my duty to help in their problems. Im not becoming psychologist . Im doing something else but this thing is still there in me. The need to help people in their problems, absorb their sadness, pain. Try hard to get them out of it. Thank you making this video. It was much needed.
Within the past two days of watching your videos on codependency I have an overwhelming sense of relief and serenity. I relapsed after almost nine years of being clean. It has caused my adult children to shut me out completely. I have 4 grandchildren that I'm not allowed to see. Clean and sober 2 weeks after relapsing in March 2021, they are still avoiding me and not believing in my sobriety and recovery. Your videos have helped me remember that I am not responsible for their responses nor their feelings and emotions All I can do is take care of what's over my own two feet and for the way I show up...clean. it's so difficult to not fall into debilitating guilt who always brings the ugly cousin shame with him. I'm willing to do the work...even if my children refuse to acknowledge that I made a mistake and am trying to heal the core reason I failed them..again. thank you so much for the work you do!!
I deal with this with my dad. I take on all his depression and anxiety. I moved away after college but just calling him on the phone is so hard because I soak up all his sadness. He says things like nothing in life is enjoyable to me. This video was helpful. I can care for him but not be responsible for how he feels.
@marwamojadidi9969 A lot of men do not know how to seek out medical help and/or therapy and they only start to seek help once it is recommended by women. Hopefully you can at least recommend he seeks therapy and also gets his physical, lab tests and health check ups up to date--how he is feeling could be medical, spiritual, nutritional or psychological. When someone is expressing depression and brings it to you, you can suggest them seeking help without feeling responsible for their feelings.
The problem with my elderly mother, is that not only does she not want suggestions, which I get, she really kills any suggestions and me forgiving them. She is so toxic and no matter what I try to do it’s never enough. Just being with her is not enough. She is toxic. How do I deal with that? She has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by the way.
Thank you for this! It's nice to have something to keep in mind for the next time I find myself sliding into my codependent shenanigans. It's hard with a certain someone, though, because he seems to think that if you're not as upset as he is, you obviously don't care. 😭
"Wanting them to be ok for them or wanting them to be ok for us..!!" Greatly said And also sometimes we control other's thoughts to heal a part of ourlives which was not in our control at a moment
I found this video after a rough conversation with a coworker made me rethink the reasons I do things. Since then I've kept coming back to re-up on sound advice that continues to help me shift my priorities and actually listen.
This is truly a struggle and you really painted such a clear example of what is like! It's soooo hard, especially when you are empathetic and truly care for ppl's well being. I keep meditating on Luke 12:25-26 and Matthew 6:33. I'm learning to give it to God ❤
North Texas here, I’ve been following you for a couple of years now and have shared many of you videos with family members and friends. Thank you for your service.
There is a huge difference between CARing for people and CARRYing on other people's problems. One is healthy. The other is unhealthy. Healthy boundaries are important.
Ur body language, facial expressions, tone, way of expressing the idea, blinking eyes, attention creating tactics like giving a small gap bw ur speeches... Wow! It fascinating.. As an INFJ and with my current struggles, found a right video and right person. Thanks a lot to u and god!
I am so Grateful for this content! Wow, this is a gamechanger. I really felt when you said we can't live other people's lives for them, this has been my biggest challenge. Other people's problems causes the majority of my stress and anxiety. After this I still feel concerned, but definitely more detached from the outcome. Thank you.
This helped me out. I find that I am trying to fix the problems of my spouse but I have to learn to draw the line on help. I should not be doing everything.Thank You.
This video explains my situation 100%. But I am unable grasp the explained solutions because I am too much empath. I can't see the downgrading of my loved one.
I am so glad I can across this video. I can relate on the damage my codependency has done to the relationship with my daughter and relationships I have had with men.
You know, I don’t always comment on your videos. However I am thankful and grateful for the work you do on these videos. They have helped me in many ways. Thank you for what you do. I appreciate it.
When I want a nudge toward needed redirecting, I know where to turn... the deeply insightful, action inspiring, and oh so delightfully expressive, Julia Kristina.
I wholly agree on this topic. I have done the same with a dear, and very close platonic friend, and it very nearly destroyed our friendship. Try and imagine having 2 people, both with "Borderline Personality Disorder" living in the same House, and, while going through those HIGH moments, one, or the other, would try and sort out the others problems, believe me, it gets messy, really quickly. I tried this exact same "FIX" strategy, and got severely crushed, it took Months to finally destress myself enough, until I found this video and re-evaluated this whole dynamic properly. Thanks a ton for this video Julia Kristina.
I feel this way in raising teens...their problems become my own and I feel responsible for their emotional well being. Where is the balance when it comes to parenting?
I worry about my mother so much, she’s struggled with a life long battle with severe depression and hasn’t been able to work since I was 7. She’s expressed to me multiple times that she’s given up on life. I’ve accepted her and we spend time together going for walks in nature, grocery shopping and I encourage her art. But I’m starting to worry about supporting her as she ages (dementia runs in our family). It’s only me, she never dated and there’s no other kids. I’m only just graduating university in my early 30s. I’d love to do a masters or take a job that I’m passionate about but I feel like I should take a boring corporate job because I feel responsible for her and I want to make sure she is ok since she always did her best for me. I’m worried if I ask her she will turn suicidal. It is about me but it’s about her too and it is something within my control, sort of. Am I ungrateful and unrealistic or do I have bad boundaries?
Thank you Julia for perfect insight into how to be responsible to others for yourself only. I agree with every word you said. How good to be able to listen to your opinions.
Hi Julia, thanks a lot for this one. I was so guilty of this at some point in my life it costed me a relationship so even if we do things with the best intentions sometimes it can cost us a lot and you really helped me realise that there are better ways to handle things so thanks a lot for that !
it's quite a hard lesson to learn, since i'm in a situation where my friend is suicidal and every word of reassurance from her makes me doubt if she's actually okay. she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have money to get help, she doesn't want to give me her address so i can help with whatever change i have. i don't want to lose her, not when we already lost another friend to suicide just a few months ago.
First of all wow. I struggle with this. Not only was she able to put it into words for me. But she has come with solutions to my issues. I'll try to install this device within me.
I find the only way I can handle people 'dumping' on me is to create a lot of daylight between me and them . I've been told I'm cold . These same people have no interest in my problems and I have been told a couple of times that I don't have any .
My ex stepdaughter seems to have this effect on me. I feel like she’s a drama queen and I find her living rent free in my head and it’s too much for me. Often times, she’s called me to say that she’s having trouble trying to get in touch with her dad and then as I’m telling her that I’ll let him know that she called and to call her back, she then starts telling me about the situation that is absolutely none of my business, and I get sucked into her problems and find myself giving her not just feedback but advice, when later on, I ask why she doesn’t take the advice under consideration, she’ll say that she was just venting. Then later on I tell her how I feel about her laying stuff on me that doesn’t concern me instead of just waiting to tell her dad instead, then she apologizes. But it is a pattern for her. She’s an adult and a year younger than me.
Thank you for sharing your love for everyone. I am very grateful to have found your channel, you have helped me & my partner be better versions of ourselves.
Wow ayyyyyyy thanks this is deep. Especially when it’s your love your family member ugh it’s so painful . But im so grateful for this video thank you helping me / us 🙏🏽💞
Thank you for this helpful video! I wish it were this easy. I struggle with this especially with taking on my parent’s hardships and always trying to help them resolve what they’re going through.
So happy when I came across your channel again. I guess I was not ready for what I was hearing a few years ago. Within a week I am feeling so much better. I am so much more aware this time around. Thank you.
Hi I'm Sarah McLeod. I'm new to your channel. I really struggle with this. I care so much about others and so I always get tangled up with everyone else's problems and I have so many of my own. So I get burned out quickly. This video was a great reminder for me. I've heard this before but I still struggle with this.
Of course I want my partner to be okay for him, but isn’t it also natural for me to want my partner to be okay for me too? For example, if his poor eating habits result in poor health & lower quality of life…this will also effect my quality of life. How do I stop worrying about how his poor choices (which I have no control over) may effect me?
Holy cow talk about divine appointment so crazy how you hear these things and then there’s just that one time you hear it and it just prize your brain open unless the lighter God bless you and thank you for all that you place out here in the world for all of us this top is dutifully noted 💜
Thanks Julia! it's such an important issue especially with Highly sensitive people and empaths, you spoke exactly what was on my mind as usual! what about making a whole series about this? I am always proud and grateful to be a shifter ❣❣
I'm hoping you read this...I loved hearing this...I am being treated for anxiety and depression, I have a history of abuse, I cannot handle stress well. My stepdad brings that out of me weekly. We lost my mom last August. I am the only person he has left since he's been estranged from his biological family for 10+ years. He depends on me for everything. The phone calls get to me because they are very often, and I feel guilty when I don't see him or invite him over, because if it is passed 4 day mark, he gets severly lonely and cries the next time I talk to him. He even writes me letters the week I do not talk to him. His letters say he doesn't use his voice or see purpose in life if he is not talking to me and spending time with me. I feel like if I set healthy boundries for me, it's detrimental for him. Help!!!!!!!
As an empath i feel other peoples emotion intensely n it burns me out.
instead of burning out from it you can learn to channel the energy you sense in their emotions and gain strength from it. that in turn makes them calm down bc their energy is being depleted. but if you burn out then you're letting them have your energy.
Boundaries and self-differentiation are going to be key for you.
Yes I totally do the same thing! It makes me feel more anxious on top of my own thoughts 💭
I used to think I was an empath until I realized it was really that I have no emotional boundaries between myself and people I love.
I am the same way. It drains me.
I used to think it was just empathy but empathy shouldn't make you feel like crap and like they're YOUR problems. A drowning lifeguard is a second victim, you can't support your loved ones if you're getting absorbed in their troubles. Thank you for sharing this!
No good jumping into the pit to join them! Don’t let your own ego get involved. DISpassion - (look into your heart NOT the dictionary for the meaning and when you’re ready you’ll know) I had to work at it, and learn to be patient and wait quite a long time till I truly and intuitively understood thanks to my and my trusty “inner knowing”. I call it the dispassion of the angels, and am still learning more….
We have no control over other circumstances or other people, we can only control our reaction.
It took me years to learn this, but it's sooooo relaxing to stop worrying about things I have no control over.
I do my thing, I make my videos, do my work, make my choices but I will not let others destroy my life.
We all have a choice!!!!
Choose YOU!
Amen to this! And GOOD for you for doing the work.
True and Amen, Rachel. 😃🙏😇
Thank you so much! I have some codependency issues because I can’t choose what my fiancé does or thinks. I have to do me and learn to relax.
@@jocelyntyree2507 ,May you persevere with patience and understanding for yourself and for your fiancee,as well.😇Pray for your fiance'🙏
It's a nice sentiment but you don't know the people that i know why be patient with somebody whos playing games with you're mental health some good point though.
This has always been a challenge for me. I feel like my energy is drained while speaking with certain people. Thank you for this video!!!!
You're welcome Dianna. I'm glad it helped.
"Listen and support." Pressure off to "fix or solve." "Detach from outcome."
Omg, I actually feel a sense of relief.
Thank you!
Omg! Can someone tell my parents to GROW UP!!! so I can live my own life without their problems 🤦🏽♀️😩 .. good topic
ohhh I understand you so much!
Hey yea i can relate to that, mine are Ocd and alw arguing
OMG yes!!!!!
OMG I'm so sorry...😔
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
"Observe don't absorb"... that's always worked for me. When somebody says something like I lost my child to Sids, gesture your reaction but don't absorb it into your body. Gesture I mean by your hands or your face but let that be your fence around your body. That shows them your empathy, but it doesn't control your emotions. "Free will", says I cannot interfere with their choices, I can listen but not fix them, I can say I know that you will make the right choice for you. Here are tools..etc. then let it go..unplug un attach.
This is good advice, thanks
I've been waking up with anxiety and going to bed with the same anxiety and not sleeping, worrying about my son's life and relationship issues. I've been obsessing. Your video is perfect for me. Thank you. I am working hard on this.
Sleep
This comment really hit home with me. Me and my son are currently not speaking. He has made poor choices. Of course I automatically went to being Mr. Fix it to “help” him. It sucks when it’s your adult child. However, I have realized that he expects me to fix his problems. He doesn’t take responsibility for his poor choices. In fact, he blames me. I’m just so used to being his punching bag. I do things in hopes that “one day” he will get his act together. It has completely stolen my peace. I have to get it back. I hope things are better for you.
@@biglal15exact same thing here!😢
You also have to be careful not to be sucked in to people that tell pity stories to get you to do things for them that they can do themselves or be responsible for. Use discernment and give your energy and good intentions to those who respect you and are considerate of you. They’ll actually care if they’re draining you too.
Yup. I just got myself roped into taking care of someone's dog while they are on vacation. Then, I found out that the husband is not going on the trip but "he's not reliable" for dog walking. WTF. Good life lesson for me. Won't be getting sucked into that situation anymore.
I've absorbed my sister's problems for so long, her passive aggressiveness, defensiveness, constant life crisis, we've been estranged for 2 years now, this was a huge eyeopener to see my role in some of the problems, it helps get rid of some of the anger I have towards her
Exactly what I needed to hear today.
I am trying to not work on other's problems harder than THEY do.
Sometimes we forget; the only person we can control is ourselves.
What helped me is realizing that most people don't actually need help even if they demand it and find something self care related when I get stressed out. Especially if it's a narcissistic/self destructive dynamic.
This really helped me. I was in the middle of about to act on someone else issue and I know I do that a lot so I looked up “ reassurance that other people issues aren’t yours” and your video showed up. Thank you
This was quite confronting because you've put into words perfect why I had to estrange from my mum. It's impossible to detach from someone's outcomes when they make those outcomes your problem. Things are less clear-cut when a parent repeatedly refuses to help themselves, and expects their child to give up their own future, financial and emotional, indefinitely, to enable the parent's ongoing bad choices (money, in this case). Seeing her spiral and cling to me to meet her emotional needs and deep loneliness was scary, it caused me so much worry and triggered so much shame (me thinking I'm responsible for my parents' misery is deeply ingrained, trauma in early childhood). I guess I'm getting a bit off track from your topic - I think your advice is great, but for non-family situations.
Them being ok for them instead of being ok for you is such a great distinction. Thank you.
You hit the nail on the head about us causing problems by trying to ‘fix, solve or force’.
Yiip, I love solving problems, whether Math problems, work challenges or other people's problems. The last one tends to backfire.
Wow! I had a fall out with my "BFF" for advising too much in an effort of trying to help her. I thought it was my way of showing protection and caring for her. The friendship is now shattered and the trust is gone. I know better now, thank you for this video. I will never carry on anyone's stress or fell the need to fix them. Great lesson learned!
Sometimes, friends just need someone to just listen and confide in. Only give advise if they ask for it. I learned this lesson as well.
@@komalsekhon3391 Thank you! I really need to work on just listening.
To Love unconditionally is an admiral goal to conceive. Understand, we live in a physical realm. The physical realm has Conditions. "I Love everyone, but cannot tolerate ALL their problems". It took a long time to either realize this or use this as a justification to let go of "Responsibility".
Most CREATE their own Drama and would like to suck you into it.
you are right (and smart) thanks
@@scottkrueger3747 Thanks for the compliment. Although, I would not consider "Smart" a descriptive of myself. I live what I've learned, and I live to learn. And, it will be a continuous process.
Be Good to yourself my friend!
I am actually struggling with this right now. I have a family relative how died a couple of days ago, she was lonely basically her entire life. Before her death, I tried to find solutions to fix her problem, so she got attached to me deeply even when I kept a distance, her actions were overwhelming. So I cared about her but I couldn't handle her attaching behaviour. After her death, I absorbed her loneliness problem again, more deeply this time with alot of guilt because I kept my distance before and I literally broke down.
Thank you Julia for the advice.
I love that " Take my advice and do as you like". That's wonderful advice in of it's self. Thanks.
We can thank my great grandfather for that one ;-)
My affirmation card for the day is "i am descerning. I love myself enough to say no to people and situations that dont servw my hoghest good. I am discerning." I hope that helps someone who sees this
beautiful. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Wonderful, thankyou so much for this reminder. It's very hard to see those close to us struggle and feel like we can see the solution, but they don't seem able to take action to change. It's good to be reminded that they are not our responsibility. I find that so hard though.
I hear you Liz - it can be hard, so make sure you have support around you and are working on managing your mind throughout it all.
Hi all, this is a good time to ask ourselves, "Does our accountability to this person, serve us or create a rift within our own accountability to ourselves. And always Julia, thank you for always reminding of grounding, it's key for me before I began exploring my thoughts. I do notice the quality of my visit with myself is much nicer when I enter with a calm focus.
I think I arrived at your channel as God wanted to intervene in my life. I don't have any other explanation of my arrival here. Your suggestions which can be made as auto suggestions into our lives can make my life so much better. I promise you that whatever effort you have made had changed one person's (my) life. I feel less stressful and the need to handle others problems in a subtle rather than hands on way. 🙏👼💞
Absorbing other people's problem has been a great challenge to me.
Thank God I have abandoned getting caught up & stressed out about peoples problems. I care for others with boundaries now. Self-care is my priority. I still love people but not to the point of destroying myself over people, especially when they dont care about their own lives or situation. God please continue to guide me as I get to know "Lorelle", myself.
After watching many of your videos I am starting to take care of myself and offer help to those suffering but making sure I do not get sucked in and have boundaries. I am becoming more mentally strong and knowledgeable after watching more and more of your wonderful videos. Keep up the good work!
This is definitely something I struggle with as an adult child living with emotionally immature parents. I’m working toward moving out; but,in the meantime, I have a hard time not letting myself be dragged down by or even into my parents’ fights and problems.
it does make it harder to have emotional boundaries when we don't have physical boundaries.
❤️❤️❤️
This is so timely for me. My son has come back to live with me while he sorts out a new flat. He's 31 and was diagnosed with Aspergers at 24. He, by his own admission, definitely scores on the narcissistic scale. At times to see him when he gets stressed is painful. I want to help but I know what will happen if I try.
Came across an interesting phrase the other day in relation to this topic, observe but don't absorb.
I LOVE that phrase too. So good to remember.
Your son is missing the Love of his Father just as you are missing the Love of your Father.
Means you are BOTH an emotional mess.
You need to become a real man.
This way you will be a living example and show your son how to overcome the world.
Right now the world is overcoming him.
While you become the real man you were created to be you can apologize to your son for messing him up.
Also have no anger towards him.
@@freshliving4199 I understand you want to voice your opinion. But that was rude and not effective.
hi my name is scott and your not alone I put unconditional love first maybe this will help
Jerry Wise Relationship System channel often has said: observe, don’t absorb.
Thanks for bringing this up, some people think u don't care, they just want to use you. They want you to fix everything
‘Responsible to them, not for them’- one of the best videos I’ve seen on shedding co-dependency! Thankyou
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now! Thank you… I care so much about others!
care... but with boundaries.
I love this!!! I knew all along I can't fix or change anyone...just needed to hear it THIS WAY!!!
I know I can't fix or change someone (my son) if he doesn't want to do the work to change himself, fix his life, put in his dues. So being "there" for him, listening to him (he only only reaches out to me when he needs money or something) is emotionally exhausting to me, ruining my health even more. I have my own short life to try and live.. I lay awake at night worrying about him.. I'm out of money and emotionally spent.. I don't know what I'd do if he ended up on the streets. I have heart issues and just want a few years of joy before I'm gone forever. I can feel I may die broken hearted.
Came here for tips because I realized I was absorbing too much in an attempt to help. Thank you for these great tips.
Wow, this content just right on time 😃 thank you so much 🤩
You're welcome Katharina - really glad it helped.
it's so hard to let go of adult children making stupid decisions 🥺
I can so relate!! 🙏
Yea, and then these " children" keep having children, and do bad jobs raising them, or not raising them, perpetuating these problems. A society of immature beings
This is my father. I live with him. He is 72. He is currently in the hospital with a mental breakdown. These 3 years have created immense anxiety and stress. I'm 45 and feeling overwhelmed. Is it too late to recover? I've tried to do everything for my dad to the point of suicidal ideations. This is brilliant.
When she said It's not a sign of love it struck a chord and kinda hurt but it is true. I can't be responsible for everything involving the people I am close to that is close to obsession. I guess I unknowingly make it about myself. I am learning to just be. Hope I get there soon.
Don't be responsible for them
Be responsible to them ❤
Not only is your channel a source of wisdom, help and inspiration, you are also such a beautiful woman Julia Kristina!
🙈 I wish I had heard thiat 30 years before 😎 my life would be much happier and easier ….. this is a life changing information!
especially if someone as a child was conditioned by parent to take all the crap and problems of parent on himself 😤
geat video and thanks for sharing the knowledge! 🙌🙌 Thank you Julia!!
Really glad it connected in such a deep way. Thanks for being here.
Omg i was searching for this. I cant do anything but absorb people’s sadness. I always wanted to be a psychologist and thought that it is my duty to help in their problems. Im not becoming psychologist . Im doing something else but this thing is still there in me. The need to help people in their problems, absorb their sadness, pain. Try hard to get them out of it. Thank you making this video. It was much needed.
Hello , strange this came up because I’ve Been doing this ( stressing from others stress : nit helpful ) at work lately . Thanks
you're welcome Juliet - glad it helped
Within the past two days of watching your videos on codependency I have an overwhelming sense of relief and serenity. I relapsed after almost nine years of being clean. It has caused my adult children to shut me out completely. I have 4 grandchildren that I'm not allowed to see. Clean and sober 2 weeks after relapsing in March 2021, they are still avoiding me and not believing in my sobriety and recovery. Your videos have helped me remember that I am not responsible for their responses nor their feelings and emotions All I can do is take care of what's over my own two feet and for the way I show up...clean. it's so difficult to not fall into debilitating guilt who always brings the ugly cousin shame with him. I'm willing to do the work...even if my children refuse to acknowledge that I made a mistake and am trying to heal the core reason I failed them..again. thank you so much for the work you do!!
I deal with this with my dad. I take on all his depression and anxiety. I moved away after college but just calling him on the phone is so hard because I soak up all his sadness. He says things like nothing in life is enjoyable to me. This video was helpful. I can care for him but not be responsible for how he feels.
@marwamojadidi9969 A lot of men do not know how to seek out medical help and/or therapy and they only start to seek help once it is recommended by women.
Hopefully you can at least recommend he seeks therapy and also gets his physical, lab tests and health check ups up to date--how he is feeling could be medical, spiritual, nutritional or psychological. When someone is expressing depression and brings it to you, you can suggest them seeking help without feeling responsible for their feelings.
The problem with my elderly mother, is that not only does she not want suggestions, which I get, she really kills any suggestions and me forgiving them. She is so toxic and no matter what I try to do it’s never enough. Just being with her is not enough. She is toxic. How do I deal with that? She has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by the way.
Thank you for this! It's nice to have something to keep in mind for the next time I find myself sliding into my codependent shenanigans. It's hard with a certain someone, though, because he seems to think that if you're not as upset as he is, you obviously don't care. 😭
"Wanting them to be ok for them or wanting them to be ok for us..!!" Greatly said
And also sometimes we control other's thoughts to heal a part of ourlives which was not in our control at a moment
Really important topic! Great advice. Easier said than done, but I guess it takes practice and learning the hard way.
I found this video after a rough conversation with a coworker made me rethink the reasons I do things. Since then I've kept coming back to re-up on sound advice that continues to help me shift my priorities and actually listen.
This is truly a struggle and you really painted such a clear example of what is like! It's soooo hard, especially when you are empathetic and truly care for ppl's well being.
I keep meditating on Luke 12:25-26 and Matthew 6:33.
I'm learning to give it to God ❤
North Texas here, I’ve been following you for a couple of years now and have shared many of you videos with family members and friends. Thank you for your service.
You're welcome Byron - and thank YOU!
There is a huge difference between CARing for people and CARRYing on other people's problems. One is healthy. The other is unhealthy. Healthy boundaries are important.
Ur body language, facial expressions, tone, way of expressing the idea, blinking eyes, attention creating tactics like giving a small gap bw ur speeches... Wow! It fascinating.. As an INFJ and with my current struggles, found a right video and right person. Thanks a lot to u and god!
I am so Grateful for this content! Wow, this is a gamechanger. I really felt when you said we can't live other people's lives for them, this has been my biggest challenge. Other people's problems causes the majority of my stress and anxiety. After this I still feel concerned, but definitely more detached from the outcome. Thank you.
I’ve recently discovered my need to fix and help others but not myself. I’ve grown tired and my health has been compromised by all my worries
This helped me out. I find that I am trying to fix the problems of my spouse but I have to learn to draw the line on help. I should not be doing everything.Thank You.
This video explains my situation 100%. But I am unable grasp the explained solutions because I am too much empath. I can't see the downgrading of my loved one.
I am so glad I can across this video. I can relate on the damage my codependency has done to the relationship with my daughter and relationships I have had with men.
Fantastic as always Julia. I tend to stress and worry too much about other people's problems. This was a perfect reminder for me.
This gave me a lot of insights about family relationship, thank you!
You know, I don’t always comment on your videos. However I am thankful and grateful for the work you do on these videos. They have helped me in many ways. Thank you for what you do. I appreciate it.
Hi, I'm back for another session. These topics really be hitting home.
Welcome! Great to have you here Kenneth.
When I want a nudge toward needed redirecting, I know where to turn... the deeply insightful, action inspiring, and oh so delightfully expressive, Julia Kristina.
I wholly agree on this topic. I have done the same with a dear, and very close platonic friend, and it very nearly destroyed our friendship. Try and imagine having 2 people, both with "Borderline Personality Disorder" living in the same House, and, while going through those HIGH moments, one, or the other, would try and sort out the others problems, believe me, it gets messy, really quickly. I tried this exact same "FIX" strategy, and got severely crushed, it took Months to finally destress myself enough, until I found this video and re-evaluated this whole dynamic properly. Thanks a ton for this video Julia Kristina.
I feel this way in raising teens...their problems become my own and I feel responsible for their emotional well being. Where is the balance when it comes to parenting?
I worry about my mother so much, she’s struggled with a life long battle with severe depression and hasn’t been able to work since I was 7. She’s expressed to me multiple times that she’s given up on life. I’ve accepted her and we spend time together going for walks in nature, grocery shopping and I encourage her art. But I’m starting to worry about supporting her as she ages (dementia runs in our family). It’s only me, she never dated and there’s no other kids. I’m only just graduating university in my early 30s. I’d love to do a masters or take a job that I’m passionate about but I feel like I should take a boring corporate job because I feel responsible for her and I want to make sure she is ok since she always did her best for me. I’m worried if I ask her she will turn suicidal. It is about me but it’s about her too and it is something within my control, sort of. Am I ungrateful and unrealistic or do I have bad boundaries?
Great information, your totally right with your information, I need to be far more aware of trying to fix people's problems, thank you Marion
Julia, you're awesome! Thanks for all these tips. I really appreciate your channel!
Thank you Julia for perfect insight into how to be responsible to others for yourself only. I agree with every word you said. How good to be able to listen to your opinions.
You're welcome Iza. Thanks for watching and glad you're here.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you so much.
Hi Julia, thanks a lot for this one. I was so guilty of this at some point in my life it costed me a relationship so even if we do things with the best intentions sometimes it can cost us a lot and you really helped me realise that there are better ways to handle things so thanks a lot for that !
Great information in your videos Kristina, I wish I knew this information of when I was younger, thankyou Kristina
What if your constantly getting dumped on everyday for every issue they're going through wether big or small? It's ridiculous!
it's quite a hard lesson to learn, since i'm in a situation where my friend is suicidal and every word of reassurance from her makes me doubt if she's actually okay. she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have money to get help, she doesn't want to give me her address so i can help with whatever change i have. i don't want to lose her, not when we already lost another friend to suicide just a few months ago.
Responsibility to others and FOR yourself. 🙏
First of all wow. I struggle with this. Not only was she able to put it into words for me. But she has come with solutions to my issues. I'll try to install this device within me.
I find the only way I can handle people 'dumping' on me is to create a lot of daylight between me and them . I've been told I'm cold . These same people have no interest in my problems and I have been told a couple of times that I don't have any .
My ex stepdaughter seems to have this effect on me. I feel like she’s a drama queen and I find her living rent free in my head and it’s too much for me.
Often times, she’s called me to say that she’s having trouble trying to get in touch with her dad and then as I’m telling her that I’ll let him know that she called and to call her back, she then starts telling me about the situation that is absolutely none of my business, and I get sucked into her problems and find myself giving her not just feedback but advice, when later on, I ask why she doesn’t take the advice under consideration, she’ll say that she was just venting.
Then later on I tell her how I feel about her laying stuff on me that doesn’t concern me instead of just waiting to tell her dad instead, then she apologizes. But it is a pattern for her. She’s an adult and a year younger than me.
Thank you for sharing your love for everyone. I am very grateful to have found your channel, you have helped me & my partner be better versions of ourselves.
Wow ayyyyyyy thanks this is deep. Especially when it’s your love your family member ugh it’s so painful . But im so grateful for this video thank you helping me / us 🙏🏽💞
Andrea here, glad I found you!! I really struggle with this, especially with my daughter
Thank you for this helpful video! I wish it were this easy. I struggle with this especially with taking on my parent’s hardships and always trying to help them resolve what they’re going through.
You are the best. Thank you so much ❤. I struggle so hard with this and have never had the tools to deal . Thank you.
Oh Julia this came to my YT feed at such a needful point in my life! Thank you❣️
You have a very nice “presentation”.
So happy when I came across your channel again. I guess I was not ready for what I was hearing a few years ago. Within a week I am feeling so much better. I am so much more aware this time around. Thank you.
Hi I'm Sarah McLeod. I'm new to your channel. I really struggle with this. I care so much about others and so I always get tangled up with everyone else's problems and I have so many of my own. So I get burned out quickly. This video was a great reminder for me. I've heard this before but I still struggle with this.
Of course I want my partner to be okay for him, but isn’t it also natural for me to want my partner to be okay for me too? For example, if his poor eating habits result in poor health & lower quality of life…this will also effect my quality of life. How do I stop worrying about how his poor choices (which I have no control over) may effect me?
thank you. I really needed this.
Holy cow talk about divine appointment so crazy how you hear these things and then there’s just that one time you hear it and it just prize your brain open unless the lighter God bless you and thank you for all that you place out here in the world for all of us this top is dutifully noted 💜
Really glad you fount it helpful Daisy Jo.
This is the 3rd time a video from you pops up for me when I'm dealing with exactly what ur talking about... ITS FREAKIN ME OUT but I love you
Beautiful! Thankyou so much And yes you can ask what you can do to help but you also have to be willing to listen to that answer too.
Thanks Julia! it's such an important issue especially with Highly sensitive people and empaths, you spoke exactly what was on my mind as usual! what about making a whole series about this?
I am always proud and grateful to be a shifter ❣❣
We're going to do an in-depth masterclass on this coming up in the fall in The Shift Society. Stay tuned!
I’m looking forward for this❤️
Thank you!
Thank you very much for all the knowledge that you are giving us .It is immensely helpful to me. Greetings from an English teacher from Serbia👋
Love your channel and spreading love and positivity♥️
It's my pleasure - thanks for being here.
You’re a very smart cookie Julia.❤
You’re very lovely too.❤
Wow, I needed this. You're changing lives.
You give the best advice on RUclips. Thanks so much for everything you do
Thanks Coach! I love these little tips so that I can be the best me for others! ❤ #shifter #SeniorShifter
I'm hoping you read this...I loved hearing this...I am being treated for anxiety and depression, I have a history of abuse, I cannot handle stress well. My stepdad brings that out of me weekly. We lost my mom last August. I am the only person he has left since he's been estranged from his biological family for 10+ years. He depends on me for everything. The phone calls get to me because they are very often, and I feel guilty when I don't see him or invite him over, because if it is passed 4 day mark, he gets severly lonely and cries the next time I talk to him. He even writes me letters the week I do not talk to him. His letters say he doesn't use his voice or see purpose in life if he is not talking to me and spending time with me. I feel like if I set healthy boundries for me, it's detrimental for him. Help!!!!!!!